KlaNuptials a short story by Ed Coonce KlaNuptials Evel Rutgersonville, Grand Dragon of the Cooterville Klavern, glanced at the receding landscape in his rear view mirror. He pushed the F450 as fast as he dared, the tires sticky on sizzling two lane blacktop. He and his fiancee Ernie were driving the Highway to East Hell, and needed to get to the Helliday Inn Xpress by check-in time. Such an exciting day! Planned were a quick visit to the County Recorder’s office for the license and shopping at the East Hell Bloomie’s for hoods and robes from that new designer line in soft pastels with lace cuffs. 1 Evel and Ernie had met at the Cooter County Fair while riding the animatronic merry-go-round. Ernie had fallen off his fuzzy pink giraffe when the ride lurched to a stop. Evel leaped from his dolphin and helped Ernie to his feet. He wiped the dirt from Ernie’s meggings, their eyes locked, and the magic began. A month later, at the annual East Hell Klanfest, two lonely people became one. Not one lonely person, that is, just one kinda together entity made up of two formerly lonely people, if you know what I mean. While strolling together down East Hell Boulevard the day after Christmas, 2 Ernie made a snowball and threw it at Evel, all in fun. It missed, but hit a sign at the entrance to the Sheen Towers Building. The sign read “Free Rapture Cruise - 10 a.m. in Room 2½.” Curious, they decided to check it out. They could use a little indoor break to warm up. The young man at the desk introduced himself and his boss. “I’m Lance, the CFO for Foothco, the primary coffee exporter for this quadrant,” he said. “And this is Captain Footh, the CEO.” Footh offered his three fingered hand. “Are you two interested in our free Rapture cruise?” “How does that work?” asked Evel. “Simple,” replied Footh, “Meet back here at eight a.m. on Thursday, ready to shove 3 off. We’ll provide free transportation.” “Sounds good to me,” said Ernie. They signed Lance’s paperwork and went next door to Supercuts and got their cuts rocked. Ernie’s topknot was trimmed, bleached to a sweet strawberry blonde, and braided to hang over his left ear. Evel’s scalp was shaved except for a strip at the front, leaving four inches of bangs hanging over his eyes. Each haircut was odd but compelling. At the check-in, the newlyweds met Chipmunks for Jesus Reverend Marvin Makeworth and his wife Martha. “It’s our third rapture,” gushed Martha. “Great ride and scenery. You’ll love the Starbucks and the gator wrestling on Horizontal Stepsister IV!” 4 Bobo, the First Mate, punched their tickets as the small crowd boarded the starship N’nog’g and settled into their cabins for the latest rapture cruise. Footh and Bobo took their navigation seats on the bridge. Footh told Bobo “Tell Charlie Sheen he’s being promoted. I think I’ve found a new team to service the mucosoid bags.” “Sure boss.” Bobo pushed a big blue button. “Let’s head home.” Footh began the countdown. “Hydramatic equalizer on.” “Check.” “Blue blinker blinking.” “Check.” “Planet atomizer activated.” “Check.” 5 “Windows closed.” “Check.” “Parking brake off.” “Check.” “Cash or...” “Check...hey, wait a minute!” Footh chuckled. He caught Bobo on that one every time. “Liftoff.” Bobo pushed the green smiley face button, hurtling the N’nog’g into stellar blackness. 6 A © East Hell Productions www.edcoonce.com 7 2015
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