KlaNuptials
a short story by Ed Coonce
KlaNuptials
Evel Rutgersonville, Grand Dragon of
the Cooterville Klavern, glanced at the
receding landscape in his rear view mirror.
He pushed the F450 as fast as he dared, the
tires sticky on sizzling two lane blacktop.
He and his fiancee Ernie were driving the
Highway to East Hell, and needed to get to
the Helliday Inn Xpress by check-in time.
Such an exciting day! Planned were a
quick visit to the County Recorder’s office
for the license and shopping at the East
Hell Bloomie’s for hoods and robes from
that new designer line in soft pastels
with lace cuffs.
1
Evel and Ernie had met at the Cooter
County Fair while riding the animatronic
merry-go-round. Ernie had fallen off his
fuzzy pink giraffe when the ride lurched
to a stop. Evel leaped from his dolphin
and helped Ernie to his feet. He wiped the
dirt from Ernie’s meggings, their eyes
locked, and the magic began.
A month later, at the annual East
Hell Klanfest, two lonely people became
one.
Not one lonely person, that is, just
one kinda together entity made up of two
formerly lonely people, if you know what
I mean.
While strolling together down East
Hell Boulevard the day after Christmas,
2
Ernie made a snowball and threw it at
Evel, all in fun. It missed, but hit a sign
at the entrance to the Sheen Towers
Building. The sign read “Free Rapture Cruise
- 10 a.m. in Room 2½.” Curious, they decided
to check it out. They could use a little
indoor break to warm up.
The young man at the desk introduced
himself and his boss. “I’m Lance, the CFO
for Foothco, the primary coffee exporter
for this quadrant,” he said. “And this is
Captain Footh, the CEO.” Footh offered his
three fingered hand.
“Are you two interested in our free
Rapture cruise?”
“How does that work?” asked Evel.
“Simple,” replied Footh, “Meet back here
at eight a.m. on Thursday, ready to shove
3
off. We’ll provide free transportation.”
“Sounds good to me,” said Ernie.
They signed Lance’s paperwork and
went next door to Supercuts and got their
cuts rocked. Ernie’s topknot was trimmed,
bleached to a sweet strawberry blonde, and
braided to hang over his left ear. Evel’s
scalp was shaved except for a strip at the
front, leaving four inches of bangs hanging
over his eyes. Each haircut was odd but
compelling.
At the check-in, the newlyweds met
Chipmunks for Jesus Reverend Marvin
Makeworth and his wife Martha.
“It’s our third rapture,” gushed Martha.
“Great ride and scenery. You’ll love the
Starbucks and the gator wrestling on
Horizontal Stepsister IV!”
4
Bobo, the First Mate, punched their
tickets as the small crowd boarded the
starship N’nog’g and settled into their
cabins for the latest rapture cruise.
Footh and Bobo took their navigation
seats on the bridge. Footh told Bobo “Tell
Charlie Sheen he’s being promoted. I think
I’ve found a new team to service the mucosoid
bags.”
“Sure boss.” Bobo pushed a big blue
button. “Let’s head home.”
Footh began the countdown.
“Hydramatic equalizer on.”
“Check.”
“Blue blinker blinking.”
“Check.”
“Planet atomizer activated.”
“Check.”
5
“Windows closed.”
“Check.”
“Parking brake off.”
“Check.”
“Cash or...”
“Check...hey, wait a minute!”
Footh chuckled. He caught Bobo on
that one every time.
“Liftoff.”
Bobo pushed the green smiley face
button, hurtling the N’nog’g into stellar
blackness.
6
A
© East Hell Productions
www.edcoonce.com
7
2015