1. society
2. social institution
3. marriage

THE EXPERIENCE OF ANXIOUSLY ATTACHED HETEROSEXUAL ADULT
WOMEN WHILE IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS: A
PHENOMENOLOGICAL STUDY
by
Catherine R. Wood
BARRY TRUNK, PhD, Faculty Mentor and Chair
MALCOLM GRAY, PhD, Committee Member
DAVIS HENDERSON, PhD, LP, Committee Member
Curtis Brant, PhD, Dean
Harold Abel School of Social and Behavioral Sciences
A Dissertation Presented in Partial Fulfillment
Of the Requirements for the Degree
Doctor of Philosophy
Capella University
November 2013
UMI Number: 3604738
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© Catherine R. Wood, 2013
Abstract
This phenomenological study sought to answer, “What is the lived experience of
anxiously attached, heterosexual women while in relationships?” The lived experiences
of 10 participants ranging in age from 32 to 59 were elicited through interviews. The
Moustakas transcendental phenomenological reduction methodology, using the modified
Van Kaam method (1994) was used to analyze the data. Five main structures emerged.
First, relation to self reflected feeling unlovable, defective, and embarrassed to be single.
Second, relation to other had six sub-themes. Participants selected partners who were
incompatible and non-committal. They had beliefs of idealized relationships, a struggle,
and had a fear of being left. Positive feelings at the outset of relationships turned into
ongoing upset. Relationship behaviors included trying to relate effectively, having a
major focus on their partner, and reinforcing partners’ negative behaviors. Relationship
termination occurred with reluctance, there were missed cues, anxiety, and ongoing grief
and yearning for the partner. They had current insights of unviable relationships that
resulted in ongoing upset feelings that should have terminated sooner. The third structure
of causality revealed poor relationship role-modeling and parental treatment of the
participants that impacted their view of self, others, and relationships. Fourth, bodily
concerns reflected a use of sexuality to connect, and sexual dissatisfaction. Fifth,
participants were aware of time in and between relationships. Two conclusions relating
to the structure of causality and a lack of insight about relationships are discussed. Future
qualitative studies were recommended to provide more understanding of anxious and
dismissive avoidant attachment styles.
Dedication
This dissertation is dedicated to the individuals in my adult life who have been a
significant source of reparative relationships. Thank you for helping me to become who I
authentically am, for believing in my abilities, for your kindness and care for my wellbeing, and the celebration of my achievements.
First and foremost, to Dr. Mary Jensen, who has very patiently and very brilliantly
shone the light on my path so that I could find my way back to myself. Your wisdom,
support, encouragement, guidance, and genuine wish for my happiness have helped to
heal my heart and achieve my life goals. You are an amazing soul.
To Dr. Lance Secretan, who believed in my intellectual abilities, and who has
always cared. Your belief in me propelled me to achieve my deepest academic and
career goals, and inspired me to continue to bring forward my authentic self. Thank you
for inspiration, leadership, friendship, and love.
And to my dogs: the late, faithful Dara Barker, and the loving Kama Bear; and the
new, wildly happy Macy Grace for filling my world with love, joy, and play.
iii
Acknowledgments
I would like to thank Dr. Barry Trunk for his exceptional mentoring and guidance
throughout my dissertation process. Thank you for your kindness, support,
encouragement, inspiration, compassion, interest, and friendship.
I would like to thank Dr. Malcolm Gray and Dr. Davis Henderson for their
contributions as committee members, and Dr. Kenneth Keeling for being the Participant
Advocate for this international study.
My sincere gratitude is extended to the participants of this study for their open
and heartfelt sharing of their experiences. I wish you ongoing fulfillment in your lives.
iv
Table of Contents
Acknowledgments
iv
List of Tables
viii
List of Figures
ix
CHAPTER 1. INTRODUCTION
1
Introduction to the General Problem
1
Introduction to the Problem as it Relates to Anxious Attachment
2
Background of the Study
4
Statement of the Problem
5
Purpose of the Study
6
Significance of the Study
7
Research Design
9
Research Question
20
Definition of Terms
20
Assumptions
23
Design Flaw Limitations and Delimitations
29
Organization of the Remainder of the Study
32
CHAPTER 2. LITERATURE REVIEW
33
The Introduction to the Literature Review
33
Theoretical Orientation for the Study
33
Attachment Theory
33
Summary
91
v
CHAPTER 3. METHODOLOGY
96
Introduction
96
Purpose of the Study
96
Research Design
98
Target Population and Participant Selection
109
Procedures
114
Research Question
129
Data Collection and Data Analyses
129
CHAPTER 4. DATA COLLECTION AND ANALYSIS
143
Introduction: The Study and the Researcher
143
Description of the Sample
145
Research Methodology Applied to Data Analysis
155
Presentation of Data and Results of the Analysis
159
Textural, Structural, and Textural-Structural Descriptions
159
Participant 2
167
Participant 3
180
Participant 6
191
Participant 7
203
Participant 8
217
Participant 9
226
Participant 10
237
Participant 11
246
Participant 12
254
vi
Participant 13
263
Conglomerate Statement
272
Summary
272
CHAPTER 5. RESULTS, CONCLUSIONS, AND RECOMMENDATIONS
275
Introduction
275
Summary of the Results
275
Discussion of the Conclusions
284
Conclusions of the Study and Summative Statements
296
Conglomerate Statement
314
Discussion of the Results
319
Recommendations for Further Research or Interventions
322
Conclusion
322
REFERENCES
324
APPENDIX A. STATEMENT OF ORIGINAL WORK
338
APPENDIX B: SAMPLE GUIDING INTERVIEW QUESTIONS
340
vii
List of Tables
Table 1. Demographics of Participants
147
Table 2. Findings of Study: Structures, Clusters (Themes), and Textures
159
Table 3. Literature Review Compared to Actual Study Findings
276
viii
List of Figures
Figure 1. Research design diagram.
104
ix
CHAPTER 1. INTRODUCTION
Introduction to the General Problem
The general problem is that there can be far too much unhappiness for some
people in romantic relationships (Fraley & Shaver, 2000). Relationship dissatisfaction
and termination in North America is astounding, with the formal divorce rate at almost
50% (Schoen & Canudas-Romo, 2006). Further, many others can be affected, such as
children, family, and friends (Clulow, 2010; Feinberg & Kan, 2008). For children,
growing up in a household of upset or strife can impact a core of safety or felt security
that they should be able to feel from their family unit (Clulow, 2010). In addition, the
impact of parental conflict is an unfortunate role model base for how children can
unconsciously internalize views and behaviors of romantic relationships (Hare, Miga, &
Allen, 2009; Slavkin, 2000). What is also disturbing is that parental conflict can impact
how parents treat (or mistreat) their children (Whiffen, Kerr, & Kallos-Lilly, 2005),
impacting the self-esteem and self-concept of the child (Feinberg & Kan, 2008; Platt,
Nalbone, Casanova, & Wetchler, 2008).
In addition to the negative impact of relationship strife on children, there can be
substantial negative impact on the individuals involved (Saavedra, Chapman, & Rogge,
2010). This includes decreased physical and emotional well-being through increased
cortisol levels from conflict, especially when the romantic partner seeks support from the
other partner during a relationship conflict. This is particularly true when male partners
1
seek support from their partner as a coping strategy, and experience instead anger or
asserted perspectives on the issue causing conflict from their partner (Gunlicks-Stoessel
& Powers, 2009). Conversely, when there is high physiological arousal due to
relationship upset, positive emotions about the partner can reduce this, thereby
rebalancing the physiological state (Yuan, McCarthy, Holley, & Levenson, 2010).
Marital discord can be a result of many embedded issues. Depression of one of
the partners could increase marital discord (Atkins, Dimidjian, Bedics, & Christensen,
2009; Pearson, Watkins, Kuyken, & Mullan, 2010). For example, Atkins et al. (2009)
found that individual depression contributes to marital discord, which indicates that
underlying individual issues can impact marital satisfaction. Further, those prone to
depression can engage in depressive rumination, which negatively impacts relationships
due to a preoccupation with negative cognitions that could be used for more positive,
current interactions, as well as a focus on negative recollections which embeds negative
feelings about the relationship (Pearson et al., 2010).
Introduction to the Problem as it Relates to Anxious Attachment
Of each attachment style, anxiously attached women have the highest focus on
being in a romantic relationship, and the greatest relationship dissatisfaction (Brassard,
Lussier, & Shaver, 2009; Dinero, Conger, Shaver, Widaman, & Larsen-Rife, 2008).
Further, anxiously attached women have dysfunctional cognitions, emotions, and
behaviors in and about relationships, which also contribute to greater relationship
dissatisfaction (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Bowlby, 1969; Dinero et al., 2008; Main,
1996).
2
Other factors contributing to marital discord include a lack of trust leading to
increased relationship conflict, variability in relationship behavior resulting in more
conflict, more destructive behavior during conflicts (Campbell, Simpson, Boldry, &
Rubin, 2010), and insecure attachment styles (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Bowlby,
1969; Main, 1996; Saavedra et al., 2010).
Often people do not understand their own negative contributions to relationship
upset, or how their choice of relationship is not effective for long-term happiness
(Alexandrov, Cowan, & Cowan, 2005; Fletcher & Kerr, 2010; Klohnen & Luo, 2003).
Further, many people may not know that their relationship triggers are often related to
their attachment style, and what their attachment style is, that their style is impacted by
early caregiving relationships (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Bowlby, 1969; Main, 1996),
or how to deal with or stop them, so these negative inputs to relationships perpetuate
(Brassard et al., 2009; Connors, 1997; Bartz & Lydon, 2006). All of this can result in
relationships being far less fulfilling, joyful, and rewarding than they truly have the
potential to be.
Chapter 1 outlines the introduction, background, statement of the specific
problem, purpose, and significance of the problem of why a phenomenological study of
anxiously attached, heterosexual, adult women in romantic relationships was needed.
The assumptions that were used for this study will be discussed, including general
methodological, topic, measures, and that no theoretical assumptions were used. A
further assumption was that a deeper level of anxiously attached, adult, heterosexual
women was a substantive population to be understood and it is worthwhile. A modified
van Kaam, transcendental phenomenological approach was used to analyze the data
3
(Husserl, 1931 in Moustakas, 1994; Moustakas, 1994). Definitions of terms related to
this study will be provided in this chapter, including attachment theory, anxious
attachment, adult, heterosexual women, and romantic relationships. This chapter will
provide an important description of the basis on which the dissertation was developed.
The background of the study will next be discussed.
Background of the Study
The theoretical framework for this study is phenomenology. Human behavior is a
phenomena in nature, and it can be observed by asking participants to discuss and reflect
upon their experiences. In this study, with researcher epoche to reduce bias (Moustakas,
1994), the lived experiences of anxiously attached women in romantic relationships were
explored, and this became the data for understanding the phenomenon.
While the participants were anxiously attached women, and the literature review
was completed on attachment theory and anxious attachment, attachment theory was not
imposed on the study or its analysis. Participants were selected for anxious attachment
styles, and then were asked the non-leading interview question of “Can you please tell me
about your actual experiences in romantic relationships?” Data were analyzed
objectively in a state of epoche without consideration of attachment theory concepts. In
Chapter 5, results of the study are compared to the literature review.
The Researcher’s Interest in this Topic
This problem was and is of interest to the researcher for many reasons. First, as a
therapist in private practice, it has been helpful to apply specific attachment theory and
therapy modalities to individual and couple client therapy (Johnson, 2011) situations in a
4
more direct manner. Second, the researcher’s transparency for this study is that she has
an anxious attachment style that has improved in a non-linear manner over the course of
time. This assisted the researcher in being very interested in and focused on the
understanding of the phenomena (Moustakas, 1994).
Third, attachment theory is useful for people to understand their development
because it assesses the impact of parenting on the individual and the ensuing attachment
style. It is also a hopeful theory in that there are solutions for the various insecure
attachment styles to improve toward an earned secure attached style (Paley, Cox,
Burchinal, & Payne, 1999), as is discussed in Chapter 2. The specific problem that this
study will address will now be explained.
Statement of the Problem
There are an extensive number of non-controversial, quantitative studies that have
examined many aspects of attachment styles and the cognitions, perceptions, and
behaviors of anxiously attached adults in romantic relationships. These positivistic and
post-positivistic studies have greatly contributed to the credible understanding of
attachment theory, the various attachment styles, including anxiously attached adults,
which has maintained the solid foundation of attachment theory on which this style is
better understood. However, there was and is a gap of deeper understanding that a
constructivist-interpretivist qualitative studies that a phenomenological study could
provide about anxiously attached women in romantic relationships (Ponterotto, 2002,
2005; Roth & Mehta, 2002; Wertz, 2005).
This phenomenological study examined the lived and felt experiences
(Moustakas, 1994) of anxiously attached adult heterosexual women in romantic
5
relationships. Given that there was and is a gap of qualitative studies in the attachment
field, the following section describes the purpose of what this specific study intended to
accomplish.
Purpose of the Study
The purpose of this constructivist-interpretivist, phenomenological research was
to obtain a deeper understanding of the lived experience and felt sense (Husserl, 1931 in
Moustakas, 1994; Moustakas, 1994) of the anxiously attached adult women while in
romantic relationships and to contribute to the existing knowledge base of anxious
attachment. As illustrated, there are a large number of credible, quantitative studies that
have provided critical information to the understanding of the cognitions, perceptions,
and behaviors, and some problems and issues that relate to the anxiously attached style.
As a result of numerous searches on adult attachment theory literature, phenomenological
studies specifically about anxiously attached women in romantic relationships did not
exist at the time of writing the proposal for this study in 2011, nor are there any in the
researcher’s awareness in 2013. For example, the mixed methods study by Mikulincer,
Shaver, Bar-On, and Ein-Dor (2010) allowed for deeper understanding of the ambivalent
aspect of the anxiously attached style.
This phenomenological study on 10 anxiously attached, heterosexual women
between the ages of 32 and 59 has provided a deeper understanding of this population. A
deeper understanding of the issues has revealed where participants are on the continuum
of the subject areas related to romantic relationships, or specific nuances to these findings
that could not have otherwise been revealed because these were not a part of a
6
quantitative study (Moustakas, 1994). Also, the findings have revealed a basis for further
studies (Gelo, Braakman, & Benetka, 2008).
All of this could ultimately assist anxiously attached women, as well as
potentially anxiously attached and dismissive avoidantly attached men, to positively shift
their maladjusted cognitions, perceptions, and behaviors in relationships (Mikulincer &
Shaver, 2007), and eventually may impact their movement toward an earned secure
attachment style (Bernier & Dozier, 2002), better mate selection (Klohnen & Luo, 2003),
and better communication and conflict resolution in relationships (Brassard et al., 2009).
With enough studies that contribute to deeper understanding of these issues, this could, in
due course, lead to overall increased happiness in relationships (Dinero et al., 2008),
better day-to-day relational functioning (Fraley, Niedenthal, Marks, Brumbaugh, &
Vicary, 2006), and better parenting skills, which are impacted by attachment style and
relationship satisfaction (Feinberg & Kan, 2008). All of this could contribute to overall
decreased relationship dissolution, as measured by the divorce rate (Schoen & CanudasRomo, 2006), break ups of non-married couples, or by relationship dissatisfaction
(Brassard et al., 2009; Dinero et al., 2008). Now that the purpose of this research study is
understood, the significance of the study will be discussed in the next section.
Significance of the Study
Relationship dissolution (Schoen & Canudas-Romo, 2006), and relationship
dissatisfaction (Brassard et al., 2009; Dinero et al., 2008) are far too prevalent. Studies
that can provide further understanding into the factors that impact these issues can
potentially contribute to a part of the solution to decreasing the divorce rate and
relationship dissatisfaction. Two of many contributors to these issues are the conflict and
7
relationship dissatisfaction experienced by insecurely attached styles (Alexandrov et al.,
2005; Dinero et al., 2008).
As indicated, of the insecurely attached styles, anxiously attached adults in
romantic relationships have the lowest satisfaction rate (Dinero et al., 2008), and their
typical relationship counterparts – avoidant (dismissive) attachment styles (Klohnen &
Luo, 2003), are part of that system, which both trigger the anxiously attached partner
(Brassard et al., 2009; Connors, 1997), but are also impacted by the relationship dynamic
and issues that ensue. Therefore, as a deeper understanding of the anxiously attached
style can be explored through the entire attachment field (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991;
Bowlby, 1969; Main, 1996), there will hopefully be more and more solutions being
brought forward to help them to choose more suitable partners (Klohnen & Luo, 2003), to
improve communication and conflict resolution (Dinero et al., 2008), including selfsoothing (Mikulincer et al., 2010), end relationships sooner, if needed (Davila &
Bradbury, 2001), and to move toward an earned secured attachment style (Bernier &
Dozier, 2002).
Specific solutions to relationship issues already exist, such as self-soothing
(Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007), reducing hyperactivation (Saavedra et al., 2010), and more
suitable partner selection (Tran & Simpson, 2009) of loving and reassuring partners
(Tomlinson, Carmichael, Reis, & Aron, 2010) who will be there for them in times of
need (Cutrona, Shaffer, Wesner, & Gardner, 2007). As the above examples indicate,
many studies have greatly contributed to the understanding of what the specific issues
are, the potential solutions, and how these can be implemented.
8
Numerous studies focus on all four attachment styles, which is of benefit as the
topics that are researched discuss the impact on all styles (Bartholomew & Horowitz,
1991). Examples of this include the reasons for extradyadic relationships (Allen &
Baucom, 2004), how to repair unresolved relationship injuries (Naaman, Pappas,
Makinen, Zuccarini, & Johnson-Douglas, 2005) and the sexual motives of the attachment
styles (Schachner & Shaver, 2004), to name a few. Further, many specific studies have
focused on anxious attachment styles, and have effectively narrowed the research topics
to provide important information about this population, as indicated throughout the above
sections.
There are no phenomenological studies on anxiously attached women as of the
date of writing. Providing deeper understanding of this phenomenon (Moustakas, 1994)
can only benefit the field of attachment theory through verification of existing
quantitative findings, or through ideas that have emerged due to a non-restricted subject
matter that measure only specific variables in a controlled environment (Gelo et al., 2008;
Morrow, 2007; Moustakas, 1994; Ponterotto, 2002, 2005) or alternative perspectives
through the data collected from participants. Researchers or therapists who read the
results of the study and suggestions for future studies could use some of the information
as a basis for creating new studies, or for considering the results of existing studies. All
of this is ultimately with the purpose of increasing understanding of the anxiously
attached style, improving relating ability, and contributing to the attachment field.
Research Design
This section will describe the conceptual research design, the rationale for it, and
how it was able to answer the research question and achieve the purpose of the study. In
9
Chapter 3, these steps will be described in more detail. After the conceptual steps of the
research design have been described, the areas of credibility, dependability, utility, and
transferability as they relate to the research design to reduce threats will be discussed.
Type of Design
The qualitative research design was a one-interview, purposive study
(Polkinghorne, 2005) where female participants were referred by therapists or selfselected for the study who met the heterosexual, anxiously attached criteria. The
“Participant selection” section of Chapter 3 details that participants were screened by
telephone by the researcher, based on their responses to questions about the criteria of
anxious attachment, and based on the delimiters of the study. Saturation occurred at 10
participants (Wertz, 2005) who were interviewed once to obtain an in depth
understanding of their lived experience while in romantic relationships. The unit of
analysis, therefore, was individuals.
A transcendental phenomenological methodology (Husserl, 1931 in Moustakas,
1994; Moustakas, 1994), using a modified van Kaam approach was used to analyze the
data, and emergent themes were identified. van Kaam believed that a participant who
really felt understood, who, through “explication” expressed their actual, lived
experiences versus their thoughts or opinions, and who could mentally return to their
actual experiences to describe them, could help to shed light on a particular phenomenon
(Moustakas, 1994; van Kaam, 1959, p. 66). The researcher believes that this was
achieved for this study.
From the researcher’s perspective, the difference between the van Kaam (1959)
phenomenological model and the Moustakas (1994) phenomenological model is the
10
detailing of certain steps that lent to the facility for the researcher to carry out the data
analysis. These differences include two steps of testing in the reduction and elimination
phase, whereby if the expression of a moment of the experience was necessary and could
be understood, and then abstracted and labeled, then they were identified as the invariant
constituents. Further, van Kaam added “vague” to overlapping and repetitive which
further helped to clarify if a statement should be eliminated. van Kaam also delineated
the identification of invariant constituents and themes into being expressed explicitly,
compatible if not explicit, and deleted if not explicit or compatible. This seems to be a
more comprehensive process, which reduced ambiguity for the researcher. Further,
textural descriptions were then sought which was a step to ensure there were verbatim
examples to support the themes and describe the “what”, and then imaginative variation
was introduced to determine the “how” Moustakas (1994, p. 79). This unambiguous,
concise process provided the researcher with clear steps.
Overview of the approach and methodology model. The purposive sample
(Polkinghorne, 2005) consisted of 10 anxiously attached heterosexual women, some of
whom were or were not in a romantic relationship at the time of the interview.
Participants self-selected from an e-mail flyer and an advertisement in a magazine, with
the Hazan and Shaver (1987) definition of anxious attachment. Further, participants were
referred by therapists who were given the same definition, and who also received a list of
delimiters of known Axis II diagnoses, psychotic disorders, current substance abuse
issues (American Psychological Association [APA], 1994), or pregnancy. This is
discussed in Chapter 3 under “Inclusion criteria” in “The Sample” section.
11
The essence of the participant’s conscious experiences in romantic relationships
were explored through their concrete descriptions of their thoughts, cognitions,
behaviors, and beliefs of their lived experience (Husserl, 1931 in Moustakas, 1994;
Moustakas, 1994; van Kaam, 1959), as they existed in the world (rather than the self as
separate from the world). From these textural phenomena, interpretation of it occurred
through the researcher’s data analysis (Heidegger, 1962 in Hein & Austin, 2001), with
emergent themes identified from this collected data (Husserl, 1931 in Moustakas, 1994;
Moustakas, 1994).
Rationale
A phenomenological methodology using Moustakas’ modified van Kaam
approach was a good fit for the research question because the goal was to understand the
lived experience of anxiously attached, heterosexual adult women in romantic
relationships at a deep level in order achieve the derived themes, meaning, and essences.
This was accomplished through in-depth interviews with the participants and the data
analysis by the researcher. The participants described the phenomenon, and themes
emerged from the data (Moustakas, 1994; van Kaam, 1959). There was a focus on the
unique, felt experience of the 10 participants to uncover a collective meaning (Husserl,
1931 in Moustakas, 1994). This was accomplished through many completed steps, as is
illustrated in Chapter 3.
The following sections elaborate on the steps of the research design to illustrate
that they were carefully planned and carried out in a step-by-step manner (Morrow,
2005).
12
Assignment
The following sections discuss the general population, the sample, ethical
considerations, and participant selection that were identified for this study.
The population. The general population for this study was heterosexual women
who experience the phenomenon of anxious attachment while in an adult romantic
relationship. Due to a purposive, criterion sample (Polkinghorne, 2005), the specific
population was anxiously attached, heterosexual women who may be able to relate to the
findings of this study.
The sampling frame included referrals from therapists with anxiously attached
clients, a referral from a participant, a respondent to an advertisement, and respondents to
e-mail letters based on the definition provided by the researcher.
The sample. The following describes the sample characteristics, including
demographics and inclusion and exclusion criteria. The demographics for the purposive,
criteria sample (Polkinghorne, 2005) were heterosexual women between the ages of 25
and 60. Their income levels could range from a lower to upper middle class
socioeconomic status. Two of the participants had children, and some were in committed
relationships at the time of the study. Their marital status may be single, dating,
divorced, widowed, common-law, or separated. All of this information was indicated on
a personal information form, where boxes were checked off, or blanks were filled in.
Chapter 4 discusses the actual participants and their demographics.
Ethical considerations. No ethical issues arose in any aspect of the study. As
this was a qualitative, phenomenological study, participants were purposefully sought
who met a specified criteria in order to obtain a homogeneous population (Polkinghorne,
13
2005). The participants were treated with justice (equity; American Psychological
Association [APA], 2002).
Participants who qualified for the study, were chosen based on the criteria
required with the intention of providing a homogenous sample. No potential participant
was coerced to join the study, nor was any actual participant coerced to remain in the
interview if they choose to terminate it while in progress. However, none chose to leave
(APA, 2002; Moustakas, 1994). Further, no potential or actual participant received
compensation at any point in this study. All participants received a list of private and
public mental health resources, including private clinicians, and were treated with
fairness and respect before, during, and after the interview process. Of note, is that while
the researcher is a therapist in private practice, any past or current clients were not
allowed to participate in the study (APA, 2002), despite that a number of them would
have qualified to do so, and some did offer to.
The beneficence of the participant was of utmost concern. There was no
perceived or actual risk to the potential or actual participants at any stage as the research
process (APA, 2002). Some asked to become the researcher’s client, not out of any
distress from the research, but out of desire to have a new therapist. It was explained that
this was not possible due to a dual role as researcher and therapist, and a list of clinicians
was provided to them.
Respect for the potential and actual participants, including their confidentiality
and privacy was and continues to be handled with paramount care (APA, 2002;
Moustakas, 1994). Actual or potential participants were not discussed with anyone other
than the International Participant Advocate, as Participant 1’s transcripts were not
14
accepted as data, and the study’s mentor, as it was clearly evident from reviewing
Participant 5’s transcripts that she did not have an anxious attachment style. This is
further discussed in Chapter 4. The participant’s names were coded by number, and these
codes were not stored with information pertaining to the research project (APA, 2002).
Participant selection. Participants were selected with the inclusion criteria of
being heterosexual, within the age range of 25 and 60, and an anxious attachment style.
The checklist of criteria for anxious attachment styles was created by extracting key
characteristics from the extensive literature review that was completed, and a telephone
questionnaire was developed from this. The specifics of exclusion criteria (any Axis II
diagnosis, psychotic disorders, current substance abuse issues, and not pregnant) were
taken from the DSM-IV pages outlining criteria (APA, 1994) and were provided to the
sampling frame. Letters through e-mails, postings on social networking, advertisements
in professional e-fliers and a health magazine were all sent out and administered. They
were sent to laypeople (previous and existing clients – none of whom were accepted into
the study – but who potentially knew people who meet the criteria), and therapy
professionals who with the intention that they would hopefully recommend participants
based on the criteria, which they ultimately did.
The researcher screened participants for inclusion criteria and delimiters.
Participants were advised that they could bring secondary data (Polkinghorne, 2005) to
the interview upon acceptance into the study.
Data Collection
Data was collected through one interview to determine the lived experiences in
romantic relationships. A specific questionnaire was not developed, but general
15
questions were on a list in case the participant needed to be prompted, as was the case
with two participants. The researcher maintained an objective stance through epoche to
understand the phenomenon when conducting interviews and analyzing the data from indepth interviews (Husserl 1931 in Moustakas, 1994; Moustakas, 1994).
Data collection procedures. The data collection procedures for the study
consisted of three different aspects. First, individual interviews with participants
included in depth discussions and probing questions (Moustakas, 1994; Wertz, 2005).
Osborne’s (1994) critical distinction about the difference between novice and
experienced phenomenological data collectors was followed: opinion is not lived
experience, and the data collection must ensure that lived experience was what was
elicited from participants. Second, observations of participants’ body language and
emotional responses, and congruence, or lack thereof, were made as the interview took
place, and brief, salient notes on these were completed (Polkinghorne, 2005). Further,
the researcher spoke into the audio recorder immediately after each participant left to
note the actual written observations and any additional observations. However, it is also
noted by the researcher that Osborne (1994) indicated that observation is more of an
experimental strategy, and phenomenological studies are more focused on learning about
the participants’ experiences. Third, secondary data review of actual poems or journal
entries from three of the participants who chose to bring these were collected
(Polkinghorne, 2005). The participants read this information at the end of the interview
and provided the researcher with a copy. The researcher respectfully listened and elicited
from the participant what the themes or meanings of these were (Leech & Onwuegbuzie,
2008).
16
Data Analysis
In the data analysis process, the researcher used horizonalization (listing every
statement of participants relevant to the topic), and determined invariant constituents, and
established from these clusters of meaning and themes (Moustakas, 1994). van Kaam
(1959) believed that participants would reveal their own themes when researchers allow
this process to unfold, and this was the case with some participants on some aspects of
romantic relationships. Core themes were determined. Textural descriptions using
verbatim examples, and structural descriptions, using imaginative variation, which
allowed for the possibility of various meanings were constructed. Textural-Structural
descriptions were written. After all participants were analyzed on each type of data
(interviews, observational, and secondary data) the composite description was written for
each. From this analysis, an overall composite description for the entire data combined
was written that captured the overall essence of the experiences expressed, and which
hopefully reflects a deeper understanding of anxiously attached adult women in romantic
relationships (Moustakas, 1994).
Reducing Threats
The research design for this study was considered regarding how threats to
credibility, dependability, utility, and transferability would be promoted or reduced.
Credibility. Credibility for this study was demonstrated through rigor of the
study, including that all ethical procedures and guidelines were followed with detailed
accuracy (APA, 2002). First, rigor included transparency, such as ensuring that the
research methodology, procedures, and findings available (Porter, 2007) and are written
in such a way that other researchers could carry out the same study exactly (Rolfe, 2006).
17
Second, rigor included accuracy, such as that the data collected reflected the participants’
subjective reality (Porter, 2007), and it was stated that the researcher’s interest was to
know the participants’ own, unique perspective on the topic (Moustakas, 1994), versus
looking for any particular answer. Openness and non-judgment by the researcher created
an interview atmosphere where the participants felt comfortable to open up and share
their real feelings and experiences, and the accuracy of collected data reflects that
(Husserl, 1931 in Moustakas, 1994; Moustakas, 1994). It also involved checking the data
collected with the participants for accuracy (Gelo et al., 2008; Moustakas, 1994). Third,
rigor included that the phenomenological methodology fit this study as the in depth, lived
experiences of the participants was sought (Moustakas, 1994; Porter, 2007), which
contributed to trustworthiness (Byrne, 1996; Yeh & Inman, 2007) and grounding the
study effectively in theory (Morrow, 2005). This was also confirmed by an independent
reviewer at Capella University prior to the study being conducted, as well as the
dissertation committee. An extensive literature review on adult attachment theory was
completed, and this will be further expanded upon in the next chapter. Fourth, rigor
means that the findings will hopefully be useful to this study, that this study followed
ethical guidelines and procedures at every stage, and that the findings are at a credible
standard (APA, 2002; Porter, 2007). This was confirmed by the study methodologist and
dissertation committee, and the outlined procedures for the study were upheld by the
researcher with the intention of obtaining findings at this level. Further, the in-depth
interviews with participants covered the subject area as fully as possible for one interview
(Morrow, 2005; Moustakas, 1994). The data findings were discussed with the
methodologist for debriefing (Morrow, 2005), including findings that seemed outside the
18
scope of the homogenously selected population (Morrow, 2005; Polkinghorne, 2005).
Finally, confirmability occurred because the research reflects what the participants
reported, and which will always be subjective due social construction (Morrow, 2005).
The researcher ensured accurate transcription of taped interviews that lends to the
confirmability of this study (Moustakas, 1994). This further lends to explanatory
validity, which is the dependability of the participants’ descriptions (Gelo et al., 2008).
Dependability. Dependability was achieved by following a step-by-step, recipelike process that was developed for this study. The diagram appears in Chapter 3. From
this, any researcher could follow or duplicate the research design, so that the participant
selection could take place in the same manner, and the data collection, analysis, and
emergent themes would be the same findings from other researchers interviewing the
same participants (Morrow, 2005). These steps involved careful review of Moustakas’
approach and committee approval of the process before the interviews took place.
Carefully following the process for data analysis also confirmed accuracy. For this study,
the study methodologist provided feedback on data analysis to cover accuracy of the
researcher’s analysis.
Utility. The intended use for the results of the research for this study is to
potentially assist anxiously attached, adult, heterosexual women to have better
relationship satisfaction (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Dinero et al., 2008).
Transferability. Transferability involves generalizing the findings, and is not to
be done in any qualitative study, including this one (Gelo et al., 2008; Morrow, 2005).
However, like other qualitative studies, the data for this study was collected until
saturation occurs (Polkinghorne, 2005), and emergent themes were uncovered that shed
19
light onto the phenomenon (Moustakas, 1994) of anxiously attached, heterosexual
women in romantic relationships.
Now that research design and minimizing threats to credibility and dependability
have been addressed, it is time to review the specific research question.
Research Question
The research question that was addressed by this study was “What is the lived
experience of anxiously attached, adult, heterosexual women while in relationships?”
(Moustakas, 1994).
The definitions will be described in the following section for: lived experience,
adult attachment, anxious attachment, heterosexual women, and romantic relationships.
In this study, the phenomenon that was explored was the lived experience of anxiously
attached women in romantic relationships. The women interviewed were heterosexual,
and they had an anxious attachment style.
To more fully understand what is specifically being studied, the definition of
terms is provided.
Definition of Terms
This section will provide a definition of terms for this study conceptually and
observationally: the anxiously attached women’s feelings and thoughts about their lived
experience, adult attachment, anxious attachment (including anxious-ambivalent and
preoccupied attachment as alternative definitions), heterosexual women, and romantic
relationships.
20
Lived Experience
The lived experience is the day-to-day, meaningful, invariant, felt, conscious
experience (Husserl, 1931 in Moustakas, 1994) through perceiving, sensing and knowing
(Moustakas, 1994) what it was like for anxiously attached women to be in romantic
relationships.
During data collection, the lived experience was identified in the interview by the
participant providing a natural verbal description of her thoughts, feelings, deep
emotions, behaviors, reactions, and responses to past and current relationship partners, as
well as her experiences in romantic relationships. The researcher noted if there was a
congruency between expressed emotion and body language with what was being verbally
described (Polkinghorne, 2005). This provided the opportunity to clarify or probe deeper
with the participants.
Adult Attachment
Adult attachment styles originate in childhood, and are based on the sensitivity
and attunement of caregivers to the child’s needs. In Adult Attachment, individuals
unconsciously play out what they learned in childhood. As such, they may be securely
attached, where they expect their partner to be there for them, and have high relational
satisfaction. If they are anxiously attached, they will proximity seek their partner, and if
they are dismissive avoidantly attached they will seek autonomy, which results in
dissatisfaction respectively from either feeling their partner is pushing them away or
suffocating them (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991; Bowlby,
1969; Bretherton, 1992; Feeney, 2008; Fraley & Shaver, 2000; Main, 1996; Mikulincer &
Shaver, 2007).
21
Based on the spontaneous response of participants’ to the interview question,
adult attachment and anxious attachment were observed.
Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment is described briefly above as seeking proximity to their
partner (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Main, 1996), and in detail in Chapter 2. During
data collection, the participants described their experiences in past or current romantic
relationships that indicated their anxious attachment style.
Heterosexual Adult Women
The conceptual concept of heterosexual adult women are that they prefer sexual
partners who are of the opposite sex and also have a female gender identity, whereby they
consider themselves as women in many ways, not just through sexuality. This would
include values, views, and preferences that are related to female heterosexuality,
including views toward males, parenting, relationships, and lifestyle including how their
social views and behaviors contribute to heterosexual cognitions and behaviors (Meah,
Hockey, & Robinson, 2008).
The participants were screened on the phone by asking if they were heterosexual,
and this was verbally confirmed when they arrived for the interview. During data
collection, heterosexuality was observed by the participants referring to relationships
with males.
Romantic Relationships
Romantic relationships are intimate, adult relationships that go beyond
companionate love and have or have had some degree of caregiving, emotional and
22
physical intimacy, and there is an attachment bond (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Fraley
& Shaver, 2000; Main, 1996).
During data collection, romantic relationships was observed by the range of
emotion, which included emotional upset over loss or feeling abandoned (Fraley et al.,
2006), which varied from sadness to anger and bitterness (Sbarra & Ferrer, 2006), and
also intense positive feelings about current relationships when they described the positive
aspects of the relationship or if they were in a state of getting along with their partner,
versus ambivalence toward past loves or a current relationship if they were not getting
along (Mikulincer et al., 2010). The participants discussed aspects that indicate a sexual
relationship took place (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Fraley & Shaver, 2000; Main,
1996), or why it did not; or that they would have desired this, or why they did not desire
it. Now that the definitions have been provided, the assumptions and limitations of the
study will be addressed.
Assumptions
The four major areas of assumptions that will be addressed in this study are
methodological, theoretical, topic-specific, and assumptions about measures.
Methodological assumptions will first be considered.
Methodological Assumptions
This qualitative (constructivist-interpretivist), phenomenological research study
on the lived experience of anxiously attached, heterosexual women in romantic
relationships has a number of applicable methodological assumptions, including
ontology, epistemology, axiology, generalizations, causality, and logic.
23
Ontology. First, the ontology of this study is that there were multiple realities of
the participants being interviewed, whereby their subjective, unique, individual
perspectives (Creswell, Hanson, Clark Plano, & Morales, 2007; Morrow, 2007) reflected
their own socially constructed truths based on their own unique worldviews (Cottone,
2007; Gelo et al., 2008; Roth & Mehta, 2002; Stetsenko & Arievitch, 1997; Yeh &
Inman, 2007) and was drawn out by asking a question, with probing questions, when
necessary (Polkinghorne, 2005). Finally, there was a methodological assumption that
Moustakas’ modified van Kaam approach (1994) was a worthwhile methodology to
follow and that it allowed emerging themes from this criterion population (Polkinghorne,
2005).
Epistemology. The epistemology of this constructivist-interpretivist study was
that the researcher and the participant influenced each other. However, the interviewer
did not share or impose her own experiences and beliefs onto the participants (Morrow,
2007; Ponterotto, 2002, 2005; Roth & Mehta, 2002). In this study, the interviewer was
the researcher, who also has an anxiously attached style, and this has impacted romantic
relationships, so it was impossible to separate the self from the participant (Yeh & Inman,
2007). However, the personal experience of the researcher was used as an unspoken way
to build trust, through not expressing judgment in the interview, and through an
unexpressed understanding of what the participant described, as well as through the
ability to empathize and probe what the participant was saying. Due to the extensive
literature review and the researcher’s ability to bracket emotions and experiences,
through the use of epoche (Husserl, 1931 in Moustakas, 1994; Moustakas, 1994), because
the researcher is a therapist, is trained to do this, and has extensive practice at it, and
24
through the research design steps, the potential bias that may have occurred from this was
hopefully reduced (Roth & Mehta, 2002).
Axiology. As indicated above, the values of the researcher were bracketed
through epoche by being acknowledged and left out of the study (Husserl, 1931 in
Moustakas, 1994; Morrow, 2007; Moustakas, 1994; Ponterotto, 2002, 2005). By being
aware of these values, there was a possibility that allowed the researcher to probe deeper
with participants (Ponterotto, 2005). The researcher’s values include that romantic
relationships are worthwhile, but there can be a threshold beyond which certain
relationships are no longer healthy to be in (Tomlinson et al., 2010). Also, that anxiously
attached adults can become more securely attached when efforts are made to do so, such
as internalizing secure attachment figures (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007) and/or when
reparative relationships impact the anxiously attached person to become more securely
attached (Bernier & Dozier, 2002). Further, that people with an anxious attachment style
can tend to subjugate to their partners to degrees that range in results from the
relationship being less fulfilling for anxiously attached partner, to harmful through giving
excessively to their partner (Connors, 1997). Finally, that having a more securely
attached partner is ideal (Alexandrov et al., 2005), but if not, having a partner who is
open to learning the needs of the anxiously attached partner is a key contributor to a more
happy and fulfilling relationship (Mikulincer et al., 2009).
Generalizations. Generalizations from this study cannot be made, as it is a
qualitative study (Roth & Mehta, 2002), and a purposive, criterion sample was used
(Gelo, et al., 2008; Polkinghorne, 2005). A danger of generalizing from this or any
qualitative study is that erroneous conclusions could be drawn based on a small sample,
25
and harmful theories or interventions could be implemented (Gore-Felton, 2005;
Wakefield, 1995). However, the tradeoff for not being able to generalize from this study
is the in depth understanding of this population (Morrow, 2007; Moustakas, 1994;
Wakefield, 1995), and a possible greater empathy for this population (Wakefield, 1995).
Causality. In qualitative research, causality is only the perception of researchers
or participants and cannot be proven (Maxwell, 2003). While the researcher or
participant may have biases and expectations about what caused a participant to feel or
perceive their lived experiences in certain ways, this can never be confirmed. Causality
was not sought in this study. However, many of the participants indicated experiences
with and influences of their parents. The extensive literature review on this topic
addresses to a lesser degree the etiology of the insecure attachment: inconsistent
caregiving whereby the caregiver did not meet the unique needs of the child, so the child
does not internalize a secure worldview that they have a safe base from which to explore
the world (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Bowlby, 1969; Main, 1996). Many quantitative
studies indicate that having an anxious attachment style impacts romantic relationship
cognitions, perceptions, and behavior (Feeney, 2008; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
Logic. As in qualitative studies, the logic for this study was inductive, which was
data-driven from observing specifics and exploring the phenomena in the context in
which it was being studied, and can result in developing hypotheses or theory (Gelo et al.,
2008; Morrow, 2007). This qualitative research allowed a portal into the depth of
meaning (Morrow, 2007; Wakefield, 1995), knowing, and understanding the behavior,
lives and experiences of the phenomenon of the lived experiences of anxiously attached,
26
adult, heterosexual women in romantic relationships (Moustakas, 1994; Ponterotto,
2005). As a result of inductive logic, emergent themes were derived (Moustakas, 1994).
Theoretical Assumptions
A theoretical assumption was not used in the data collection and analysis phase of
this study, as it is a qualitative study and the lived experiences of participants were
sought.
Topic-specific assumptions. First, there was a topic-specific assumption that
heterosexual women with anxious attachment styles have a specific, generalized
experience of romantic relationships that was worthy of further study for this specific
homogeneous population (Main, 1996; Polkinghorne, 2005). The literature indicates that
the anxiously attached style is the most dissatisfied population in relationships (Dinero et
al., 2008). Further, there is extensive literature that supports that anxiously attached
individuals are clingy, needy, and jealous, are not effective communicators when they are
hyperactivated due to relationship threats, and are conflict-oriented (Bartholomew &
Horowitz, 1991; Feeney, 2008; Main, 1996; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
However, a second topic-specific assumption for this study was that women with
the anxious attachment style who met the delimitations of this study were not completely
maladjusted individuals who were hopeless in relationships, but they did most likely have
some issues that need to be tenderly dealt with. For example, Chirichella-Besemer and
Motta (2008) found that individuals who had experienced psychological abuse in their
lifetime had higher incidences of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, anxiety, affective
disorders, and anger. Further, in a study by Ward, Lee, and Polan (2006) anxiously
attached women were found to have affective and anxiety disorders, whereas those
27
women of a dismissing attachment style were found to have Axis II diagnoses. However,
they also found that women who had unresolved physical or sexual abuse or unresolved
loss of a parent were more likely to have Axis I and Axis II diagnoses. An Australian
study found that anxious attachment style was associated with adult separation anxiety
disorder (Manicavasagar, Silove, Marnane, & Wagner, 2009). All of this indicates that
there are sensitivities and degrees of unique issues of anxiously attached women.
Therefore, based on the literature review, a third assumption was if there is a
sensitive partner who can be responsive to the anxiously attached woman’s needs,
emotional responses, and cognitions, and who can soothe, versus trigger emotional states,
there is a good possibility of relationship success (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Cutrona,
2007). Anxiously attached women potentially have much to offer in a romantic
relationship, and when these good qualities are given a foundation to be revealed and
fostered, which specifically means feeling secure in the romantic relationship (Connors,
1997; Land et al., 2010), and when they are given guidance about cognitions, perceptions
and behaviors in romantic relationships, there is much hope for this population to have
healthy and healthier relationships (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Dinero et al., 2008). The
possibility of understanding the lived experiences of this population could be useful to
the field of attachment theory, and in the future lead to other studies that could potentially
further uncover ways to increase relationship happiness, and decrease relationship
dissatisfaction.
Assumptions about data collection procedures. First, the critical aspect of a
phenomenological study is the recount of the experiences and feelings of the participants
(Moustakas, 1994). Therefore, an important assumption was that participants would tell
28
the truth in the interviews and would not embellish or downplay their experiences in
romantic relationships (Polkinghorne, 2005). While there was no guarantee of this, the
methodological approach provided the opportunity to discard statements that did not fall
into other emergent themes. Further, the researcher’s role was important in putting the
participant at ease so that they felt comfortable sharing their personal experiences
(Moustakas, 1994). Second, the nature of this and any phenomenological study required
bracketing (epoche) by the researcher so that the views of the researcher did not influence
the participant (Husserl, 1931 in Moustakas, 1994; Moustakas, 1994). This study
rightfully assumed that the researcher would be able to effectively bracket her
experiences (Ashworth, 1996).
The assumptions provided the foundation on which this study was conducted with
scientific merit (Moustakas, 1994). However, as with any study, there were design flaw
limitations and delimitations to this study, and these are discussed below.
Design Flaw Limitations and Delimitations
The following sections discuss design flaw limitations and delimitations for this
study, and these are expounded upon in Chapter 5.
Design Flaw Limitations
The design flaw limitations that could impact the credibility of this study
(Morrow, 2005; Porter, 2007; Rolfe, 2006) are the methodology used to confirm anxious
attachment styles in participants, the researcher maintaining a state of epoche, participant
bias, and participants telling the truth. First, a limitation of the design was the process by
which anxiously attached adults were confirmed as such. The Adult Attachment
29
Interview (AAI; Main, 1996) was not used. In Chapter 3, in the “Design flaw
limitations” section under “Strengths and limitations of the research design” the rationale
for not using Main’s AAI is explained in detail. However, in brief, this would have been
time consuming, expensive, and it may have deterred potential participants as the nature
of the AAI interview was that they would be asked about their perceptions of their
parents (Main, 1996), and they were not even necessarily going to be accepted for the
study. Instead, the researcher screened potential participants based on her own
knowledge of anxious attachment, using a specific checklist of characteristics of
anxiously attached adults (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991), developed by the researcher
from extensive literature reviews, as well as the delimiters. Further, the researcher was
aware that if a participant was not anxiously attached, this would have been evident by
the end of the interview, as was the case with two participants. This is discussed in
Chapter 4.
Second, despite efforts for the researcher to engage in epoche, it was not totally
possible to do so at all times (Husserl, 1931 in Moustakas, 1994; Merleau-Ponty, 1962;
Moustakas, 1994). The researcher did engage in epoche as much as possible, by noting
her own experiences, knowledge from literature reviews, and personal biases, and being
very present and focused with each participant during their interview. However, by
following the Moustakas (1994) modified van Kaam data analysis model, this also
assisted in remaining as objective as possible.
Third, participant bias was addressed in this phenomenological study by also
considering and presenting data from participants that was not commonly held or
experienced by other participants (Polkinghorne, 2005). Fourth, a limitation that existed
30
is if the participants told the truth about their lived experiences (Polkinghorne, 2005).
The data collection process allowed the researcher to position to the participants that their
own lived experiences were of interest. Further, the nonjudgmental and open approach of
the researcher through the researcher’s mannerisms and body language, and being
transparent by telling the participants that the researcher also has an anxious attachment
style and had many experiences as an anxiously attached woman, hopefully facilitated
truth-telling by the participants. Further, the data analysis process called for determining
emergent themes; if data that was provided by participants did not fit, bearing in mind
participant bias through considering uncommon experiences, it was sifted through this
process (Moustakas, 1994).
Delimitations
This study specifically had delimitations of an Axis II diagnoses, any psychotic
disorders, no current substance abuse issues, and not pregnant (American Psychological
Association [APA], 1994). The researcher was interested in learning about the lived, indepth experiences of mainstream, non-psychiatric clients, who are anxiously attached,
heterosexual women to potentially find emergent themes from the study (Moustakas,
1994).
Further, current substance abuse issues (within the last twelve months) (APA,
1994) would have potentially impacted the views of the participants, and potentially
indicated issues beyond a mainstream, non-psychiatric client population (Kotov, Gamez,
Schmidt, & Watson, 2010). Therefore, a delimitation was that the women had to be clean
and sober for two or more years. Also, pregnant women were not accepted into the study
due to the added potential risk to participants if they were to become upset due to what
31
was being discussed in the interview, as this stress could have impacted their pregnancy
(APA, 2002).
This chapter has provided a discussion of the general and specific problems,
which have led to this study, an overview of the study and the theoretical approach and
design of it. The following chapter will provide an extensive literature review related to
anxiously attached, adult, heterosexual women in romantic relationships.
Organization of the Remainder of the Study
In the remainder of this dissertation, Chapter 2 provides a review of attachment
theory literature, Chapter 3 describes the study methodology in more detail, Chapter 4
presents the data collection and analysis, and Chapter 5 concludes with results,
conclusions, and recommendations.
32
CHAPTER 2. LITERATURE REVIEW
The Introduction to the Literature Review
Attachment theory provides an essential perspective for understanding adult
romantic relationships. The literature review of many quantitative studies on attachment
theory in this chapter illustrates the effectiveness and viability of attachment theory, the
importance of early caregiving relationships and how those impact secure or insecure
attachment, and the ensuing attachment behavior that transcends through adulthood and
impacts romantic relationships (Ainsworth, 1989, 1992; Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991;
Bowlby, 1969, 1973, 1980; Main, 1996, 2000).
Theoretical Orientation for the Study
The theoretical framework for this dissertation is phenomenology, which sought
to understand the in-depth, lived experiences of anxiously attached heterosexual women
in romantic relationships (Gelo et al., 2008). Chapter 5 provides a comparison of the
study findings with the literature review.
Attachment Theory
Attachment Theory is a culmination of a forty-year professional partnership by
Drs. John Bowlby and Mary Salter Ainsworth (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Bowlby,
1969. Attachment theory illustrates how the impact of caregiving in infancy, and the
ongoing dynamic development of individuals through the interplay with caregivers and
33
others carry throughout the lifespan (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Bowlby, 1969, 1973,
1980).
The premise of attachment theory is that Bowlby believed it to be a behavioral
system whereby healthy child development is directly impacted by healthy interactions
with parents (Ainsworth, 1992; Bowlby, 1969). Bowlby (1969, 1973, 1980) confirmed
that proximity to key caregivers will be sought (known as the primary attachment
strategy) in order to seek psychological or physical protection, and to reduce stress. The
critical factor is that when proximity to the caregiver is obtained when sought by the
infant, infant affect regulation takes place (Bowlby, 1969). The relationships with early
caregivers will determine the degree of secure attachment with those caregivers, based on
caregivers being sensitive and attuned to the child’s needs, through being responsive,
encouraging, and situationally appropriate. The result is children who feel secure and
that their needs will be attended to, with a felt sense of safety and confidence to explore
the world, returning to the caregiver to seek reassurance, when necessary (Ainsworth &
Bowlby, 1991; Bowlby, 1969).
Secure attachment - children. For children who are securely attached, their
cognitive script illustrates their belief that they have a secure base in their caregivers, that
if they require help or encounter distress, this will be alleviated through the caregiver.
Their world view is positive and that overall people are helpful and kind (Mikulincer,
Shaver, & Pereg, 2003).
Insecure attachment - children. If children have caregivers who are not attuned
and sensitive, and are overall inconsistent or absent, and do not meet the child’s needs,
and proximity is not obtained from the caregiver when sought, this will result for children
34
in “secondary attachment strategies” which are a range on a continuum of anxiety about
(hyperactivation to seek proximity) and avoidance of (deactivation to inhibit proximity)
connection in relationships (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Bowlby, 1969; Main, 1996;
Mikulincer et al., 2003; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007, p. 141), impacting how they relate to
the world, and to others (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Bowlby, 1969). This will further
impact the individuals’ ability to view themselves as self-reliant and capable, or as
unworthy and incompetent, or as lovable or valuable (Bowlby, 1973).
Anxious attachment – children. Anxious attachment forms when proximity
seeking is an option from caregivers, but proximity is inconsistently available. It results
in the infant becoming hypervigilant to cues of threat of loss of proximity. The cognitive
script is that if they maintain closeness to their caregiver, then they can feel secure
(Cassidy & Berlin, 1994).
Avoidant attachment - children. Avoidant attachment forms when proximity
seeking is not a viable option with caregivers and the caregivers are rejecting or
neglectful, so the child distances from the attachment figure (Mikulincer et al., 2003).
The child learns that seeking proximity is not a helpful strategy, so they minimize
displays of distress in order to not be rejected by their caregivers (Ainsworth & Bell,
1970).
Ideally, parents will support and role model for their children in such a way that
autonomy is a desired goal and way of being in the world. Mental and physical health in
parental role models and their children impacts the children’s ability to be autonomous
(Bowlby, 1973).
35
Adult Attachment Theory
A critical axiom of attachment theory pioneered by Mary Main’s study at
Berkeley in the mid 1980s is Bowlby’s view that the attachment styles of children
transcend throughout their developmental stages, and into adulthood, including romantic
relationships (Main, 1996, 2000). Bowlby specified that attachment occurs from the
“cradle to the grave” (1979, p. 129). Romantic relationships are ethologically referred to
as pair bonds (Ainsworth, 1989; Bowlby, 1979).
Main determined that adults have three types of attachment: Autonomous-secure,
preoccupied/anxious/anxious-ambivalent, and dismissing. Other researchers define
adults’ attachment styles as either secure (continuous secure or earned secure) or insecure
(including anxious, dismissive-avoidant, or fearful-avoidant; Alexandrov et al., 2005;
Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991). Alexandrov et al. (2005) discuss horizontal attachment
style measurement, which illustrates various aspects of each attachment style, but in
couple conflict, a predominant style emerges. These researchers devised their own
couple’s questionnaire on a continuum of secure, preoccupied, or particularly, and most
importantly, while the couple is in conflict, or trying to resolve conflict.
The same attachment strategies are identified with a romantic partner as those of
an early caregiver in that there is persistence and emotional significance to the
relationship (Ainsworth, 1989), that proximity will be sought, that psychological and
physical distress can be alleviated through the security of the partner, and that the partner
is a safe base from which life exploration can take place, and loss of proximity would
bring distress. If partners are consistent and available in times of need, secure attachment
36
between the partners results (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Bretherton, 1992; Main, 1996,
2000; Mikulincer et al., 2003).
Main developed the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI), which provides for a
narrative description of each parent when the adult being interviewed was a child, and
from which became a platform for ongoing studies of adult attachment (Ainsworth &
Bowlby, 1991; Bretherton, 1992; Main, 1996, 2000). These are described under each
attachment style below. What is critically relevant about these perceptions of caregivers
is that they are the reality of the individual (Main, 1996, 2000). It is clear from these
experiences that ensuing cognitions, perceptions, and behaviors of the styles would be
different and significant in terms of personality development and relationships with
others, including romantic partners. These will be discussed in later sections. After
extensive evaluation of the Main’s Adult Attachment Interview (AAI), BakermansKranenburg and van IJzendoorn (2009) suggest that a more continuous evaluation of
adult attachment versus categorical rating would be useful.
It is first essential to state how attachment theory can help individuals.
How attachment theory can help individuals. Attachment theory can help
individuals through various means to become more securely attached, and to behave in a
more securely attached manner. This can occur through therapy, reparative relationships,
self-awareness, and consciously shifting cognitions, perceptions, and behaviors.
Therapy. In therapy, the goal of attachment theory is to assist the client to gain a
new view of self that is progressed from how they were treated in childhood, with the
subsequent attachment issues and views of self, such as feeling inadequate or unlovable,
and of internalized views of attachment relationships (Bretherton, 1992). Ultimately, this
37
shifted view is an earned secure attachment style, discussed in a later section, and often is
a result of reparative relationships.
Reparative relationships. Reparative relationships, including the relationship
with the therapist is an active attachment while the individual is in therapy. When
therapists display appropriate degrees of empathy in therapy sessions with clients, based
on what the client is sharing, the client is able to explore emotional issues in greater depth
(Ainsworth, 1989; Romano, Fitzpatrick, & Janzen, 2008), just as a child is able to explore
their own environment when a felt sense of a secure base is provided through sensitive
and attuned parenting (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Bowlby, 1969). Therapy can assist
the individuals to process early life experiences and relationships. If the person continues
to have regard for their therapist after sessions have terminated, then the therapist
continues to be a positive attachment figure (Ainsworth, 1989).
Likewise, other reparative relationships can include the romantic relationship
(Alexandrov et al., 2005), mentors, bosses, friends, and other significant adults in one’s
life (Bernier & Dozier, 2002; Paley et al., 1999; Roisman, Padrón, Sroufe, & Egeland,
2002). This means a held view that others will be there for support for the individual in
times of need (Cutrona et al., 2007). This will be expanded upon in the section on earned
secure attachment.
Self-awareness to shift cognitions, perceptions, and behaviors. Additionally,
understanding one’s attachment style and the commensurate cognitions, perceptions, and
behaviors and working to adjust these to those exhibited by secure attachment styles,
such as through learning and using self-soothing mechanisms can lead to more secure
attachment. Mikulincer and Shaver (2007a) illustrated that priming individuals by
38
accessing internalized secure attachment figures can allow them to effectively selfsoothe, self-regulate, and behave in a more securely attached manner. Specifically, this is
achieved through imagining what a secure attachment figure would say to the anxiously
attached style to soothe them (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). The more these secure
figures can be mentally accessed, the more it will build a template from which insecurely
attached individuals will build positive expectancy about and therefore will have positive
experiences from accessing them (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007a; Mikulincer et al., 2009).
The overall sense of secure attachment is obtained from learning how secure attachment
figures relate and respond, and learning also to think, self-soothe, and behave in these
same ways.
This section explicitly and briefly illustrates that through shifted cognitions and
internalized views of soothing attachment figures, insecurely attached adults can work
towards obtaining an earned secure attachment style. This ultimately will impact ensuing
perceptions and behaviors in relationships, including romantic relationships.
Review of Research on Attachment Styles and Anxiously Attached Women
Adult attachment styles. It is critical to understand all of the attachment styles
as they interact in romantic relationships. Secure and earned secure romantic pairings
with anxiously attached women are reparative relationships (Bernier & Dozier, 2002;
Paley et al., 1999; Roisman et al., 2002) that tend to provide a secure base and soothe
concerns about proximity, and avoidant pairings tend to trigger the anxiously attached
woman who has difficulty seeking proximity with this partner, resulting in
hyperactivation (Main, 1996; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2005).
39
Secure attachment. Approximately 56% of adults have secure attachment styles,
while about 23% are avoidantly attached (dismissive or fearful), and about 20% are
anxiously attached (Hazan & Shaver, 1987). Additionally, Bartholomew and Horowitz
(1991) found more women to be anxiously attached, and more men to have a dismissive
avoidant attachment style. Securely attached adults have a low dependence on others and
a positive view of self and others, and low avoidance of others, and are comfortable with
intimacy and autonomy. They feel lovable, nurtured, and worthy of having their needs
met. They believe and expect that others and their partners want to help them
(Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991; Cassidy, 2000; Feeney, 2008; Mikulincer & Shaver,
2007).
This follows from schemata formed as children due to their experiences with key
caregivers. Those with a secure attachment describe parents objectively, regardless of
whether the memories are positive or not, but the descriptions tend to be more positive
(Bretherton, 1992; Main, 1996, 2000). This style may also be known as continuous
secure as it has been a secure connection since infancy.
They typically have good communication and conflict resolution skills
(Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007) and less romantic relationship upset (Dinero et al., 2008).
This can also be termed continuous secure as this evolved from childhood experiences,
and is to be distinguished from earned secure which is an indication that individuals have
worked through key attachment issues, and is discussed in a later section (Paley et al.,
1999).
They have a cognitive template whereby they naturally expect attachment figures
to be present in times of need, and have effective self-soothing and coping mechanisms
40
(Mikulincer, Shaver, Sapir-Lavid, & Avihou-Kanza, 2009). Also, they have positive
expectations that their romantic partners will meet their needs (Cassidy, 2000; Mikulincer
et al., 2009). They believe that others can be trusted, have a belief in their own abilities
to deal with distress, have a view that others will and want to help them in times of need,
will seek the support of others when needed, are more accepting of out-group members,
are more empathic, can be autonomous, and can strive to complete higher level goals
(Mikulincer et al., 2003). When they are asked to describe their relationship partners,
they do so with objectivity, without excessive emotion, and without suppressing emotion
(Alexandrov, 2005).
In tests of adult attachment style, a securely attached individual would typically
respond yes to this statement: “I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am
comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don't worry about
being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me” (Hazan & Shaver, 1987, para
23). The views of securely attached individuals provide them with a base of positive
expectations of others, as well as a positive view of themselves (Bartholomew &
Horowitz, 1991). Clearly, the goal of an insecurely attached person would be to move
toward secure attachment, which would positively impact their cognitions, perceptions,
and behavior in romantic relationships (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991; Bowlby, 1969;
Feeney, 2008; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
Insecure attachment. Generally, the etiology of insecure attachment is
inconsistent caregiving whereby the caregiver did not meet the unique needs of the child,
so the child does not internalize a secure worldview that they have a safe base from
41
which to explore (Ainsworth & Bell, 1970; Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Bowlby, 1969,
1973, 1980; Main, 1996).
The measures of insecure attachment style range from anxiety about distance in
romantic relationships to avoidance of intimacy (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991).
These orthogonal dimensions illustrate anxious attachment (there is uncertainty that
partners will be there for them consistently, or in times of need) or avoidant attachment
(when the desire for autonomy and independence is more important than the desire for
romantic relational connectedness; Main, 1996). It is therefore evident that insecurely
attached adults typically do not exhibit the same cognitions, perceptions and beliefs as
securely attached adults (who have an expectation of consistency and security), and
subsequently experience challenges in romantic relationships (Bartholomew & Horowitz,
1991; Bowlby, 1969; Feeney, 2008; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). Cassidy (2000) defines
the behavior of insecure attachment in romantic relationships as destructive. For
example, this would include the anxious attachment behaviors of seeking excessive
reassurance, or the avoidant attachment behaviors of avoiding intimacy or denigrating a
partner to compensate for their own insecurity.
While attachment styles can be improved to some extent through varying types of
reparative relationships, potentially resulting in an earned secure style (Bernier & Dozier,
2002), until they are, some unproductive cognitions and behaviors will be present in these
other relationships (Brassard et al., 2009). Emotional triggers due to these differing
styles and goals are the outcome, as are resultant conflicts (Saavedra et al., 2010),
miscommunications, and relationship dissatisfaction (especially for the anxiously
42
attached style; Brassard et al., 2009; Dinero et al., 2008; Saavedra et al., 2010). These
will be discussed in later sections.
Anxious attachment. The etiology of anxious attachment is inconsistent or
unpredictable caregiving, which results in questioning one’s lovability, the consistency of
availability of attachment figures, and the fear of rejection and abandonment (Ainsworth
& Bell, 1970; Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Cassidy & Berlin, 1994; Main, 1996). This
inconsistency of attachment figures could take the form of caregiving in a manner that
was not appropriate to the actual needs, intrusiveness so that the person did not learn to
self-regulate, messages of being helpless or weak, or trauma or abuse (Cassidy & Berlin,
1994; Mikulincer et al., 2003).
Those with a preoccupied attachment style, also known as anxious, or anxiousambivalent, (and described as anxious in this dissertation), recall often negative or
upsetting memories about parents in a manner that is somewhat unfocussed and
inconsistent (Bretherton, 1992; Main, 1996, 2000). Anxiously attached adults maintain
over-involvement with attachment figures either through trying to please them, through
perpetuating their anger and upset toward them, or through passivity (Roisman et al.,
2007).
They have high dependence on others, and a negative view of self, and a positive
view of others and low avoidance of others, and are preoccupied with relationships. They
feel unworthy, unlovable, and strive to be accepted by others (Bartholomew & Horowitz,
1991).
Due to this view that loved ones may not always be present, it is understandable,
then, that anxiously attached adults seek closeness (but do not necessarily find it
43
satisfying), sometimes wanting to merge with a partner (Hazan & Shaver, 1987) and are
concerned about and hypervigilant to signs that their relationships will end (Bartholomew
& Horowitz, 1991; Bowlby, 1969; Feeney, 2008; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
In tests of adult attachment styles, an anxiously attached individual would
typically respond yes to this statement: “I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I
would like. I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or won't want to stay
with me. I want to merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes
scares people away” (Hazan & Shaver, 1987, para 23). Interestingly, the findings of
Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991) that those with an anxious attachment style are
dependent on others for their self-worth yet are controlling and dominating. Therefore,
their approach to others can be overwhelming and too consuming.
Anxiously attached women most likely have experienced psychological abuse in
their lifetime and have higher incidences of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, anxiety,
affective disorders, and anger (Chirichella-Besemer & Motta, 2008). Likewise, in a study
by Ward, Lee, and Polan (2006), anxiously attached women were found to have affective
and anxiety disorders, whereas those women of a dismissing attachment style were found
to have Axis II diagnoses. However, they also found that women who had unresolved
physical or sexual abuse or unresolved loss of a parent were more likely to have Axis I
and Axis II diagnoses. Finally, an Australian study found that anxious attachment style
was associated with adult separation anxiety disorder (Manicavasagar, Silove, Marnane
& Wagner, 2009). All of this reveals that there are sensitivities and degrees of unique
issues of anxiously attached women.
44
Alexandrov et al. (2005) provide characteristics of the anxiously attached style,
which can also be referred to as a preoccupied attachment. This nomenclature is
illustrative of the mindset of the anxiously attached person: there is an over focus on
romantic relationships. This focus is about finding a relationship, the relationship one is
currently in, or about terminated relationships. These researchers distinguish the types of
preoccupation. Angry or fearful preoccupation is illustrated by describing relationships
and their challenges with anger or anxiety. Those who are preoccupied in a confused
manner will go into long, incoherent, often with irrelevant detailed diatribes about their
past or current relationships. The theme of the descriptions may focus on a lack of
reciprocity in the relationship, or feeling controlled or manipulated by their partner
(Alexandrov et al., 2005).
The anxiously attached adult woman will become hyperactivated by perceived
threat to relationship stability, which results in proximity seeking and preoccupation with
the relationship (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2003; Saavedra et al., 2010). However, there are
also feelings of ambivalence towards their partner when these threats occur and when the
partner shows interest again. Anxiously attached individuals may experience intense
positive feelings about current relationships when describing the positive aspects of the
relationship or if they are in a state of getting along with their partner, versus
ambivalence toward past loves or a current relationship if they are not getting along
(Mikulincer et al., 2010).
Later sections in this chapter will further describe anxious attachment. The
following section will briefly describe avoidant attachment styles, as this is a common
romantic relationship pairing.
45
Avoidant attachment. It is essential to understand the basis of the avoidant
attachment style, because this is a common romantic pairing with the anxiously attached
style (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Klohnen & Luo, 2003; van IJzendoorn & BakersmansKranenburg, 1996).
The etiology of the avoidant attachment style from early caregiving relationships
is that the infants seek proximity with caregivers, but are rejected or neglected and are
denied emotional needs (Ainsworth & Bell, 1970; Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Bowlby,
1969, 1973, 1980). However, these emotional needs do not subside, even though they are
less apparent in conscious awareness, and are a deep-rooted, unconscious desire for
connection that is masked by a defensive strategy of avoidance of emotional closeness
(Bowlby, 1973; Silverman, 2011).
Those with a dismissive attachment style have memories about caregivers that are
vague or irretrievable, and those that are remembered are often filtered by being
excessively positive, or brief recollections that are rejection based, with a lack of insight
about how parents influenced development or adult attachment (Bretherton, 1992; Main,
1996, 2000). Dismissive attachment styles tend to idealize, derogate, or not remember
situations relating to their parents, and may display a fear of losing their own child.
Individuals who have high avoidance of others and a negative model of other, and
a positive model of self and low dependence, have a dismissive avoidant attachment
style. They dismiss intimacy and focus on independence. They expect that others will
reject them and behave in untrustworthy ways (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991).
Individuals who have a negative model of others, a high avoidance of others, a negative
model of self, and a high dependence on others has a fearful avoidant attachment style.
46
They are fearful of intimacy and are socially avoidant. They protect themselves from
being hurt by avoiding getting close with others and by remaining independent
(Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991).
While there is a strong desire for attachment, the rejection experienced as a young
infant or child causes the avoidantly attached individuals to retreat upon close connection
(Silverman, 2011). It follows then, that the interest of the avoidantly attached partner in
their romantic partner is inconsistent, such as through intense interest in pursuit of the
anxiously attached woman at the outset of meeting or dating, or after some period of time
has elapsed after breaking up, but then of retracted or lost interest after being in a
relationship together, or getting back together after a breakup (Connors, 1997). This very
inconsistency is the key trigger to hypervigilance in the anxiously attached partner as
desire for proximity is not met, and abandonment is felt (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991;
Main, 1996; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2003, 2007).
In those with avoidant attachment styles, there is a link to introversion
(Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007) a desire for independence and autonomy (Ainsworth &
Bowlby, 1991; Connors, 1997; Main, 1996; Silverman, 2011), a consciously dismissive
approach to desire for romantic attachment, a fear of intimacy, and therefore a fear of
closeness with others (Ainsworth 1989; Main, 1996; Silverman, 2011), a denial of
relationship needs, and avoiding emotional and physical closeness (Mikulincer et al.,
2003; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007), and mistrust of the intentions of others (Silverman,
2011). Additionally, when their autonomy is threatened, avoidantly attached adults use
deactivation strategies (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2003, 2007) to seek autonomy and
independence by shutting down emotionally, and by being less emotionally and
47
sometimes less physically involved with their romantic partners. They pursue goals to
feel independent and to avoid intimacy with their partner and are hypervigilant to feeling
controlled (Connors, 1997). This can result in misperception when their anxiously
attached partners are simply seeking connection with them, but they may feel like their
partner is trying to control them (Mikulincer et al., 2009). Panic, anxiety, propensity to
addictions, and difficulty with affect regulation, including being quick to anger,
especially at a romantic partner are some of the outcomes of this early attachment wound
(Silverman, 2011).
In tests of adult attachment style, an avoidantly attached individual would
typically respond yes to this statement: “I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to
others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on
them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want me to be
more intimate than I feel comfortable being” (Hazan & Shaver, 1987, para 23). In
addition, as previously described in the adult attachment styles section, avoidant
attachment styles can be of two types. These are avoidantly dismissive, or avoidantly
fearful (Bartholmew & Horowitz, 1991). The avoidantly fearful type typically has
interpersonal problems due to being overly passive (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991). A
very positive self description (Cassidy, 2000) is common in a dismissive avoidant style
with strong narcissistic characteristics (Connors, 1997; Land, Rochlen, & Vaughn, 2010).
In addition to their negative views of others, and a lack of warmth in social
interactions (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991), they will describe their partner
negatively, and will particularly negatively view their romantic partners’ anticipated and
undesirable behaviors (Mikulincer et al., 2010). According to Alexandrov et al. (2005),
48
avoidantly attached partners dismiss, downplay, and minimize the importance of their
partner, a relationship, and the impact of the relationship. They can idealize partners with
no foundation for doing so, and then diminish them through passive negativity. If asked
about the relationship, they will often divert the conversation to other topics (Alexandrov
et al., 2005). Furthermore, certain behaviors that would illustrate emotional connection
with their partners may therefore be denied. For example, avoidantly attached partners
do not usually want to engage in caregiving with their partner, and express negative
emotion and may even become angry when their partner is distressed (Simpson, Rholes,
Oriña, & Grich, 2002).
Land et al. (2010) studied mood regulation (the ability to manage one’s moods in
response to emotional triggers), emotional suppression (the ability to not express
emotions), and cognitive reappraisal (the ability to shift thoughts before full triggering of
emotions and behaviors in response to a trigger) in men. Land et al. (2010) found that
male’s perceptions of maternal care significantly predicted attachment avoidance (the
greater the perception of care, the lower the level of avoidant attachment). Also, emotion
regulation suppression and cognitive reappraisal are related to an avoidant attachment
style. These variables are influenced by maternal caregivers from birth through
developmental years. The researchers also suggest that cognitive reappraisal and
emotional suppression are areas for therapeutic interventions with this attachment style.
What is significant information from this study is that for the relationship with a
partner to be reparative for avoidantly attached men, to determine how they feel cared for
would be effective. A romantic partner who could skillfully draw emotions out of their
partner through creating a safe haven (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2005) and effectively
49
communicate in a non-conflictual manner and through demonstrating care and concern
without being intrusive and demanding would also be helpful (Collins & Read, 1990).
When a partner can role model managing her own emotional states, and not engage when
her partner is activated (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007a; Mikulincer et al., 2009), this could
also be reparative and healthy relating (Paley et al., 1999). Without insight and
awareness, this would not necessarily occur with an anxiously attached woman given her
own desires for proximity and fears of abandonment taking precedence (Fraley et al.,
2006; Hazan & Shaver, 1987).
It is clear that the very nature of avoidant attachment is opposite of anxious
attachment, yet they share in common early caregiving wounds where secure base
relating was not met (Ainsworth & Bell, 1970; Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Bowlby,
1973; Cassidy & Berlin, 1994; Main, 1996). Their pairing will be discussed in the
partner selection section. However, this pairing, while common, ultimately has a very
volatile interaction pattern, opposite relational goals, and a particular proclivity to
emotionally trigger the other (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2005;
Shallcross, Howland, Bemis, Simpson, & Frazier, 2011). This is why the goal of any
insecurely attached person (anxious or dismissive) would ideally be to move toward an
earned secure attachment style, as will now be discussed.
Earned secure attachment. Bowlby (1973) indicated that attachment styles and
expectations about relationships would carry through from childhood through adulthood.
What can be tragic about this declaration is that those who are insecurely attached due to
early influences may have a negative fate awaiting them for the rest of their lives. While
this may be true to some extent, what is hopeful about attachment theory is that
50
individuals can move toward earned secure attachment styles. Earned secure attachment
is an attachment style where individuals have evolved insecure attachment styles, and
they are able to describe their childhood experiences concisely, coherently, and
objectively. These tend to be somewhat more negative descriptions (Roisman et al.,
2007). Roisman et al. (2002) specify that the most important aspect for an earned secure
attachment style is not the content of the description of relationships and experiences
with parents, but the coherency of the description. Most importantly, their cognitions,
perceptions, and behaviors would most closely resemble those of securely attached
individuals.
Earned secure attachment can be achieved through insight, therapy through
limited reparenting in the therapy relationship (Ainsworth, 1989; Young, 2005), and
through reparative relationships with securely attached adults, such as mentors, friends,
or other significant adults (Bernier & Dozier, 2002; Paley et al., 1999; Roisman et al.,
2002), and very importantly, through the romantic relationship (Mikulincer et al., 2009).
According to Roisman et al. (2002) this allows them to overcome, to varying degrees, the
malevolent parenting that they experienced when younger, which impacted their
attachment styles to become insecure. As earned security is moved toward in personal
growth through a variety of means, expectations of a more securely attached romantic
relationship come into form, with the anticipation that this may actually transpire
(Mitchell, 2007).
For anxiously attached (preoccupied) women when paired with securely attached
men in romantic relationships (Alexandrov et al., 2005), and through self-awareness
(Bernier & Dozier, 2002; Paley et al., 1999; Young, 2005), they can learn self-soothing
51
mechanisms that increase a felt sense of security, such as through internalizing secure
attachment models. Moreover, anxiously attached women can attempt to teach their
avoidantly attached partners to reassure them and meet their needs (Cutrona et al., 2007).
If this is consistently provided, an earned secure style may be acquired.
Finally, those with an earned secure attachment style may also be better adjusted
with less extreme described demonstrations of or reported feelings or thoughts related to
anxiously attached adult relationships (Bernier & Dozier, 2002; Paley et al., 1999). For
example, Paley et al. (1999) wanted to determine if attachment style impacted marital
relating. These researchers found that earned secure attachment styles expressed positive
affect to their partners, regulated their affect during conflicts, exhibited helpful caring
behaviors, and had more competent parenting behaviors. These are all positive
relationship behaviors exhibited by securely attached individuals that contribute to
relationship satisfaction and healthy relationship functioning (Cutrona et al., 2007;
Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007; Saavedra et al., 2010). Other results of the study by Paley et
al. (1999) is presented in following sections.
Additionally, a 23 year longitudinal study was conducted in Minneapolis to
determine intergenerational transmission of attachment style. Important findings
suggested that earned secures had poorer experience ratings than continuous secures in
mother love, father love, mother rejecting, father rejecting, mother neglect, father neglect,
and had more coherence in reporting about their caregiving experiences with their parents
than insecurely attached participants. Continuous secures had more coherence in
reporting about their caregiving experiences with their parents than earned secures.
Earned secures reported greater rejection and neglect and less love from their fathers than
52
did insecures (Roisman et al., 2002). This is likely because they were able to be
objective and coherent in their descriptions.
Roisman et al. (2002) used data from the mothers of participants that described
their problem behaviors, adaptive functioning, scholastic performance, and depressive
symptomatology. Roisman et al. (2002) found that while earned secure adults are able to
have healthy romantic relationships, there is a predisposition to depressive
symptomatology. A limitation to this study is that the researchers cannot be certain that
reporting biases did not impact their results, and they were uncertain about if there was a
supportive family dynamic of which the father may have played an active role.
This is a significant section for the purposes of this dissertation and study, as the
goal of insecure attachment styles ideally would be to move toward an earned secure
position. This will allow them to view the desired role of romantic partners as secure
versus to perpetuate insecure views and the subsequent relationship choices of other
insecure styles (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Klohnen & Luo, 2003) and the negative relating
that follows that (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2003). This is an encouraging and optimistic
stance for people who have not had caregiving experiences that allowed them to have
continuous secure attachment styles. The following sections illustrate the impact of
insecure attachment styles on romantic relationships from an anxious attachment style
perspective.
Anxious Attachment Styles Definitions
For the following definitions of romantic partner selection, relationship
cognitions, perceptions, and behaviors, sexuality, relationship termination and grief,
research is presented from the perspectives of research on anxious attachment styles, and
53
the systems within which they are embedded. All of these impact relationship
satisfaction or dissatisfaction (Dinero et al., 2008; Fraley et al., 2006). These are
arranged somewhat as the progression of relationships, which is why romantic partner
selection is the first area to be considered.
Romantic partner selection. Romantic partner selection is a critical aspect of
understanding the anxiously attached woman. Partner selection can determine the
frequency and degree of becoming hyperactivated in the relationship (Mikulincer &
Shaver, 2007) and whether the relationship can be reparative (Ainsworth, 1989; Paley et
al., 1999; Roisman et al., 2007) and help them to move toward a more earned secure
attachment style (Bernier & Dozier, 2002; Roisman et al., 2002). Further, romantic
partner selection is a significant determinant of ensuing happiness, dissatisfaction,
conflicts, communications, emotional triggers, and responses (Alexandrov et al., 2005;
Dinero et al., 2008). It is likely the single most vital choice an anxiously attached woman
will make, as she is highly relationship oriented (Cassidy & Berlin, 1994; Hazan &
Shaver, 1987), prone to becoming preoccupied about the relationship (Mikulincer &
Shaver, 2003; Saavedra et al., 2010) and hyperaware of relationship nuances (Fraley et
al., 2006).
If there is a sensitive partner who can be responsive to the anxiously attached
woman’s needs, emotional responses, and cognitions, and who can soothe, versus trigger
emotional states, there is a good possibility of relationship success (Alexandrov et al.,
2005; Cutrona et al., 2007). While the ideal romantic pairing would be with a securely
attached partner for many reasons this is not always possible due to what Klohnen and
54
Luo (2003) describe as attracting what you are able to versus what you would ideally like
to. This is described in more detail later in this section.
Romantic partner selection for anxiously attached women is typically with other
insecure styles. Assortative mating often results in securely individuals choosing each
other, and insecurely attached individuals pairing together (van IJzendoorn &
Bakersmans-Kranenburg, 1996). Therefore, most often anxiously attached styles will
pair with avoidantly attached styles, including fearful-avoidant, or dismissive-avoidant
(Alexandrov et al., 2005; Klohnen & Luo, 2003), and most likely with a dismissiveavoidant style. Schmitt et al. (2003) identify that the dismissive attachment style is
typically more predominantly male in Western cultures. What this means is that the
anxiously attached women often unconsciously choose partners who continually provide
emotional triggers to them through their avoidant attachment style (Land et al., 2010).
In a study on the impact of partners on romantic attachment and marital
satisfaction, Mondor, McDuff, Lussier, and Wright (2011) found that in particular
avoidant attachment in males and females and not anxious attachment in female partners
was a predictor of marital dissatisfaction in distressed couples. Hyperactivation of
anxiously attached women occurs due to the interrelation between her and her avoidantly
attached partner (Campbell & Marshall, 2011).
Kirkpatrick and Davis (1994) denote that the very beliefs and behaviors that
anxiously attached (too much focus on intimacy and proximity) and avoidantly attached
(too much focus on autonomy and lack of focus on relationships) partners have about
relationships are found in each other, which is why they are drawn together. These
authors also state that these pairings reflect the internal schemata for each attachment
55
style of what relationships should be: the anxiously attached person believes that others
will be withdrawn and rejecting, and the avoidantly attached person thinks that others are
too demanding and needy, so they reinforce the schemata and play that out in way that
neither is ultimately very happy with, yet their own expectations are confirmed (Collins
& Read, 1990).
The Perfect Storm: the anxiously attached woman and the avoidantly attached
man. It is essential to understand the systemic interrelatedness of the opposite relational
schemata of these two common pairings, which is a prescription for relationship
unhappiness. For these anxious and avoidant attachment couples, what ensues is a
cyclical process as these styles contribute to the emotional triggers of the other (Grau &
Doll, 2003). This is what Shallcross et al. (2011) refer to as “the perfect storm” (para 7).
The anxiously attached partner pursues the avoidantly attached other in attempts to feel
loved and connected, and the avoidantly attached partner pursues goals to feel
independent and to avoid intimacy with their partner (Connors, 1997; Fraley et al., 2006).
Furthermore, the avoidantly attached partner developed their attachment style by
being let down by key caregivers when young. This results in negative relationship
expectations and behavior that are commensurate with expectations that relationships will
fail. The avoidantly attached partner is often distrusting of positive actions of their
romantic partner and considers if there is an ulterior motive to these (Birnie, McClure,
Lydon, & Holmberg, 2009). There is increased conflict due to more frequent and intense
emotional triggers (Brassard et al., 2009), potentially more hostile conflict due to
hyperactivation of attachment anxiety of the anxiously attached partner (Saavedra et al.,
2010), more misinterpretation of the partner’s behavior (Mikulincer et al., 2009), less
56
effective communication, less mature relating, and overall decreased happiness,
especially for the anxiously attached partner (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Dinero et al.,
2008), and especially for anxiously attached individuals with high conflict behavior
(Saavedra et al., 2010).
For the anxiously attached partner, there is frequent disappointment, conflicts feel
worse than they may with other styles, and conflict resolution is often not as effective as
it can be, partially due to less effective communication skills being employed during
arguments (Dinero et al., 2008). The expression of needs in the relationship is also not as
effective as it can be (Mikulincer et al., 2009). These cognitions, feelings, and
perceptions are often due to the experienced triggers caused from the anxiously attached
partners’ perspective by the avoidantly attached partner, and originate with their early
relationship with caregivers, which impairs them to most effectively relate in romantic
relationships (Brassard et al., 2009). Moreover, some anxiously attached individuals will
report that they have been exploited to varying degrees by partners whom they loved and
wanted to have a reciprocal relationship with, but found themselves giving excessively
only to have their own needs refuted or ignored (Connors, 1997; Land et al., 2010).
Paradox of needs. The paradox of anxiously attached adult women is that they
need to have more expectations of a partner, and to choose a partner who can meet what
they will learn to be reasonable emotional needs and amounts of time spent as a couple
(Cutrona et al., 2007), and express these needs in a healthier manner that does not seem
controlling and demanding (Mikulincer et al., 2009), or ambivalent (Locke, 2008;
Mikulincer et al., 2010). The paradox for the dismissive avoidantly attached style is the
repulsion of finding an aspect of what they always wanted in a caregiver at an early age
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(an available, non-rejecting attachment figure; Ainsworth, 1989; Ainsworth & Bowlby,
1991; Birnie, McClure, Lydon, & Holmberg, 2009; Bowlby, 1969, 1973, 1980; Main,
1996, 2000). They are not able to receive this from anxiously attached partners and are
overwhelmed by the intensity and excessiveness of the availability of them (Connors,
1997; Land et al., 2010) and find them to be less attractive (Klohnen & Luo, 2003). The
cognitive template (Young, 1999, 2005) of the dismissive style simply does not allow for
the excessive availability of the anxiously attached partner, does not manage it
effectively, such as by setting kind and firm boundaries, and the dismissive avoidantly
attached partner will ultimately feel overwhelmed and disrespect and dismiss their
anxiously attached partner (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2005; Shallcross et al., 2011).
In a study on attractiveness of partners on various factors including attachment
style, Klohnen and Luo (2003) found that securely attached adults were the most
attractive to each of the attachment styles as they represented self-ideals, as well as
behaviors that were not annoying such as being emotional, worried, or clingy as is
frequently apparent in the anxious attachment style. However, they also highlighted that
while not everyone can obtain a securely attached partner, they are more likely to choose
partners similar to themselves, which is why insecurely attached partners may be drawn
together. Interestingly, however, the dismissive attachment style in this study found the
anxious attachment style least attractive.
Greater relationship satisfaction with securely attached partners. Alexandrov et
al. (2005) conducted a study on marital quality amongst couples and attachment styles
with the possible romantic pairings of securely attached individuals with securely
attached individuals, securely attached individuals with insecurely attached individuals,
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and insecurely attached individuals with insecurely attached individuals. Alexandrov et
al. (2005) found that adults could have many traits of each attachment style but the
critical aspect of defining attachment style was emotional and behavioral as it related to
relational conflict. The findings of Alexandrov et al. (2005) indicated that securely
attached couples (where both members of the couple had secure attachment styles) were
more likely to have marital satisfaction and marital quality. They found that securely
attached individuals were more likely to pair with other securely attached individuals.
Securely attached couples were less likely to engage in conflict and to resolve it more
respectfully and faster, likely because hyperactivated strategies of anxiously attached and
deactivated strategies of dismissive styles (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007) were not at play,
where the relationship security might ultimately feel threatened by one or both partners.
Securely attached husbands’ wives rated marital satisfaction as higher (regardless
of the wives’ attachment style). When the husband was securely attached and the wife
insecurely attached, the researchers believed that the positive marital satisfaction could
ultimately contribute to an earned secure style of the wife. When only one of the partners
had an insecure style, the marital satisfaction ranked between the lowest and highest
scores. The lowest marital satisfaction was identified when both partners had an insecure
attachment style (Alexandrov et al., 2005). A limitation of this study is that the
researchers developed the attachment coding measures themselves and some findings
appeared to be in conflict with many other studies, such as higher levels of marital quality
with the dismissive attachment styles, which no other study has reflected, and runs
counter to the distancing and dismissiveness of the avoidantly attached style (Mikulincer
& Shaver, 2005).
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This study illustrates that insecurely attached adults can work toward an earned
secure attachment style (Bernier & Dozier, 2002; Paley et al., 1999), that they can be
cautious when choosing partners and will hopefully choose those with a more secure
style, and that individuals who have chosen a secure partner may find that they are far
less hyperactivated (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007) than those who have not. Having a
more securely attached partner is ideal (Alexandrov et al., 2005), but if not, having a
partner who is open to learning the needs of the anxiously attached partner is a key
contributor to a more happy and fulfilling relationship (Mikulincer et al., 2009).
This section highlights the extreme relationship difficulties that transpire
(Mikulincer & Shaver, 2005; Shallcross et al., 2011) when an insecurely attached partner,
versus the healing that can occur for the anxiously attached woman, when a securely
attached partner, is chosen (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Cutrona et al., 2007). While this
section discussed partner selection, it inevitably discussed some cognitions, perceptions,
and behaviors within relationships. The following section discusses these areas in more
detail.
Romantic relationship cognitions, perceptions, and behavior. Cognitions,
perceptions, and behavior that detract from relationship satisfaction. Mikulincer and
Shaver (2005) have summarized emotional responses to various kinds of relational events
for each of the attachment styles. All attachment styles are being presented from this
summary, as it is critical to understand how the systemic relationship interactions of the
various attachment styles impact and elicit commensurate affect and behaviors of the
romantic partner. First, when a partner exhibits negative relationship behavior, a securely
attached individual will react with functional anger, and will attempt to communicate
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this, and to resolve the issue. An avoidantly attached partner may have suppressed anger,
resentment, or hostility about the issue. They are less likely to forgive and are more
likely to seek revenge with their partner. In contrast, an anxiously attached partner may
have resentment, hostility, dysfunctional anger, or despair, or sadness if they internalize
the anger at themselves. The implication of this is that inevitably partners will exhibit
negative behaviors in a relationship, and the more partners can work this through
constructively, the sooner and better the issues will get resolved, as in the securely
attached style’s approach. However, it is understandable how conflict and relationship
upset would emerge with the responses of the other two insecure styles.
Second, when partners exhibit positive relationship behaviors, securely attached
individuals will respond with happiness, joy, love, and gratitude. This allows positive
reinforcement to the relationship system, and provides a platform to beget further positive
behaviors. However, an avoidantly attached partner’s response when their partner has
positive behaviors is indifference and detachment. They often do not believe that their
partner is well-intentioned and will assign a negative motive to positive behavior. It is
clear that this is not reinforcing for the partner, invites confusion, and possibly upset
given the dismissive response to positive behavior. When an anxiously attached partner
experiences their partner’s positive behaviors, they can feel ambivalent happiness, love,
fear, and anxiety. They may wonder if they can live up to their partner’s behaviors. This
is where positive behaviors of others can result in a hyperactivated system for the
anxiously attached partner (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2005).
Third, when a partner has relationship-relevant distress, the securely attached
partner will respond with guilt and with a positive focus to repair the upset. An
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avoidantly attached partner will exhibit resentment and hostility toward their partner, and
an anxiously attached partner will feel shame and despair and may think that the upset is
due to their personal deficiencies (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2005). Clearly, the most
productive response is to address and repair the upset. The anxiously attached partner
will internalize the upset, and the avoidantly attached partner’s outward upset toward
their partner is also not a productive response.
Fourth, when a partner is distressed, and this distress is not associated to the
relationship, a securely attached partner will respond with empathy and compassion.
This illustrates the secure base, that proximity can be obtained when needed (Ainsworth
& Bowlby, 1991; Bowlby, 1969) and the ability to soothe their partner when in need.
However, the avoidantly attached partner’s response will be one of pity, hostility,
contempt, or gloating. So in addition to feeling badly about the non-relationship issue,
the partner of the avoidantly attached partner is also likely to feel additionally badly
about their avoidantly attached partner’s negative response to them. This is the opposite
of soothing, and is reason to hyperactivate an anxiously attached person who will feel
distance and disdain from their partner. Finally, an anxiously attached partner will
respond to their partner’s non-relationship distress with personal distress and despair.
They may be self-focused to the point of not being able to be there for their partner, or
concerned that their own needs will not get met. This also does not provide an otherfocused, safe haven for the partner (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2005).
Fifth, when a partner is happy due to the relationship, a securely attached partner
will respond with happiness, joy, love, and pride. This illustrates the desire for mutuality,
connectivity, and positive expectations for the relationship. In contrast, an avoidantly
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attached partner’s response is one of hubris which is a Greek term for a narcissistic, selforiented happiness that is internalized about one’s own greatness. Somewhat similarly to
the securely attached partner, an anxiously attached partner responds with ambivalent
feelings of happiness, anxiety, and fear of success. There can be a concern about if this
happiness will last (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2005).
Finally, when a partner is happy about issues not related to the relationship, a
securely attached person will respond with empathic happiness, respect, and admiration
for their partner. Clearly they are unconsciously acting as the secure base from which
their partner can engage in world exploration, and the securely attached partner
encourages this and is happy for the results. In sharp contrast is the avoidantly attached
partner’s response: hostile envy! This is because their unconscious perception is that
their own value will be threatened and they actually want to devalue and destroy their
partner’s success or possessions. This is by far the most alarming and unhealthy
relationship behavior that illustrates the absolute lack of ability to be fully connected with
a partner, or to have their best interests at heart. In the mid-point between securely
attached and avoidant responses to happiness from non-relationship sources are the
anxiously attached partners, which include an ambivalent mixture of happiness, fear of
separation, and jealousy. They can become hyperactivated at their partner’s happiness
that this could somehow create distance in the relationship, or that they may not be able
to live up to their perceived expectations of themselves, which creates a feeling of threat
for them in a relationship (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2005).
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Now that all three attachment styles have been considered from an emotional
reactions perspective, anxiously attached individuals will now be considered from the
viewpoint of some of their specific cognitions, perceptions, and behaviors.
Cognitions. The cognitions of anxiously attached women impact both their
perceptions and behaviors in romantic relationships. This section will discuss the impact
of their low self-esteem, proximity seeking, ingrained propensity for hyperactivation,
desire for closeness with a partner, their relationship views that lead to hyperactivation,
and strategies for self-soothing.
Low self-esteem. It is important to reiterate the low self-esteem and lack of
feelings of worthiness of the anxiously attached person, with a simultaneous positive
regard for others (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2003). This
may result in a dynamic of pleasing the partner at their own expense, or assuming that
their partner is correct and that they (the anxiously attached partner) are to blame for
relationship upsets. Also, the anxiously attached person may have an overly optimistic
focus to make things right in a relationship (Cassidy & Berlin, 1994). For example,
sometimes people with an anxious attachment style can subjugate to their partners to
degrees that range in results from the relationship being less fulfilling for the anxiously
attached partner, to harmful through giving excessively to their partner (Connors, 1997).
As well, Mikulincer and Shaver (2003) explain that anxiously attached individuals will
take some of the blame when their partners do not adequately meet their needs in a
dependable, consistent, sensitive, and kind manner.
Proximity seeking. The desire for proximity and reassurance can result in
excessive expectations to spend time with their partner, resulting in suffocating the
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partner or stifling their autonomy, or perceptions of this by the partner, especially those
who are avoidantly attached (Connors, 1997). While their early caregivers may have
been unreliable, their complicated view that if they can just get their partner to love them
through seeking closeness, support, and availability, perpetuates their positive view of
others and the potential advantages of being in intimate relationships (Cassidy & Berlin,
1994). It is also understandable that there is a link to neuroticism and low self-esteem
(Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). For example, while they long for a secure relationship
with a partner who is attentive, attuned, and available, at some level they may have
expectations that this will not actually be possible for them, despite the efforts and
preoccupation to find and maintain this (Tomlinson et al., 2010). This style reports
greater loneliness than the other styles (Hazan & Shaver, 1987).
Hyperactivation. Anxious attachment is present not only as a behavior in
romantic relationships, but also as a general mindset and cognitive schemata of the
anxiously attached person. This includes anticipation of potential relationships, and the
very early stages of new romances. For example, Eastwick and Finkel (2008) completed
a series of studies to determine if anxious attachment is activated very early on in
romantic relationships. Significant results of correlations between greater attachment
anxiety for potential versus existing relationships were found, and this anxiety was higher
in women participants. Further, the single, anxiously attached participants were asked
about three potential love interests.
Another study focused on seven speed dating events where participants were then
matched with potential dates by e-mail and then had to fill out a questionnaire indicating
type of interest such as friendship or romantic (Eastwick & Finkel, 2008). Eastwick and
65
Finkel’s (2008) findings reveal that even before the actual romantic relationship has been
formed, anxiously attached adults become hyperactivated (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007)
toward their potential partner, which means seeking proximity (Bowlby, 1969). Eastwick
and Finkel (2008) also determined that anxious attachment toward a specific partner
predicted passionate love, and cognitive and behavioral proximity seeking. Their
findings also designate that the desire for a relationship overrides sexual motivations for
seeking a partner with anxiously attached adults. This study verifies long term anxious
attachment related cognitions and behaviors, and illustrates that this exists early in the
relationship, even before it begins, because it is based on the anxiously attached
individual’s internalized schemata about relationships.
Hyperactivation due to partner unavailability. The greatest predictor of female
relationship happiness is their partner’s comfort with closeness (Collins & Read, 1990).
When people have an anxious attachment style, there is a hyperawareness of the
availability of the romantic partner, or the perceived threat to or decreased availability
(Mikulincer et al., 2003). Therefore, sometimes this is accurate, and sometimes it simply
is not. Availability differences may include if the romantic partner is physically going
away or doing other activities, or appears to be less interested, disapproving, betraying, or
possibly going to leave the relationship. When romantic partners are or appear to be
unavailable, or when an unrelated relationship event triggers the anxiously attached
person, or even when a positive event occurs, the attachment system of the anxiously
attached partner gets hyperactivated, resulting in a vigilance to reestablish physical and
emotional proximity, which will quell anxiety. They can appear helpless, clinging,
controlling, overly dependent on the partner, and on less frequent occasions may be
66
attention seeking through being hyperactivated. The hyperactivation of the anxiously
attached person is self-perpetuating and leads to a chronicity of anxiety and rumination
about the relationship with past and current upsets, triggers, or memories interwoven and
spiraling into an entanglement of relationship distress. This can negatively impact mood
and cause the anxiously attached individual to make negative attributions to their partner
and perpetuate the hyperactivated system (Mikulincer et al., 2003).
The hyperactivation of the anxiously attached woman can impact the relationship.
For example, this includes hypervigilance when communicating with partners (Saavedra
et al., 2010), poor confliction resolution skills (Brassard et al., 2009), and inability to
manage their anger and disappointment in a manner that their partner can receive
(Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007; Saavedra et al., 2010).
Strategies for self-soothing. A significant cognitive shift for anxiously attached
individuals would be to consciously think of positive relationship situations and partner
characteristics, and to shift global negative attributions of the partner and relationship to
situational issues when they arise (Mikulincer et al., 2003). Similarly, Bowlby (1973)
discussed co-regulation, whereby the individual can internalize a sense of self-worth and
self efficacy when their partner responds in a soothing manner. The partner receiving
this can then learn what it feels like to be soothed, and internalize these processes for
themselves (Mikulincer et al., 2003; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). The more that
anxiously attached individuals can recall times when others met their needs (Mikulincer
& Shaver, 2007), the greater the chance of creating a more secure cognitive framework of
earned secure attachment (Bakermans-Kranenburg, 2006). Also, therapy work with these
individuals could focus on learning to be alone, increasing their sense of personal agency
67
and competency, and working on self-regulation of negative affect and managing
negative thinking about the self, relationship, and the relationship partner (Mikulincer et
al., 2003).
Additional securely attached cognitions for anxiously attached individuals to
incorporate into daily positive self talk would be that their problems are manageable and
that they have the capacity to cope with them, that they can be hopeful and optimistic
about people and the world, and that they can choose partners whom they can trust, and
who will be there for them in times of need (in addition to others who can be supportive)
(Cutrona et al., 2007; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). Similarly, they must keep in mind
that they can self-soothe through having internalized positive attachment figures
(Mikulincer & Shaver, 2005), and that they are lovable, worthy, competent individuals
who can have mastery over their lives. All of this can lead to the sense that they can
allow the relationship to deepen, and also behave in a manner that enhances positive
connections (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
This section has briefly discussed maladaptive and adaptive cognitions that
impact anxiously attached women in romantic relationships. The proceeding section will
identify how perceptions of anxiously attached women can lead to relationship
dissatisfaction and hyperactivation (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Cutrona et al., 2007).
Perceptions. Ideally, the perceptions of anxiously attached women would result
in them feeling safe and soothed, but more often, their perceptions leave them
hyperactivated and anxious (Ein-Dor, Mikulincer, & Shaver, 2011; Mikulincer et al.,
2003). This section will discuss their desire for proximity, how they can have upset
feelings when they perceive low caregiving behaviors of their partner, how relationship
68
upset negatively impacts their perceptions of the relationship, how they respond to
relationship threats with hypervigilance, and ambivalence they can feel toward partners.
Desire for proximity. A critical perception that will hyperactivate the anxiously
attached person is when they seek proximity to a partner and that the partner is or appears
to be emotionally or physically unavailable to them (Mikulincer et al., 2003). They can
also perceive that their partner does not care when these partners do not meet the
excessive expectations and demands that the anxiously attached woman places on them.
If they have chosen an avoidantly attached partner, requests for needs being met by a
partner will feel excessive to the avoidantly attached partner, as their goal is the opposite
of intimacy and connection (Cutrona et al., 2007; Land et al., 2010).
Perception of low caregiving by partners. The following study is an illustration
of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles as it relates to caregiving and the impact
of factors on the relationship. In a longitudinal, correlational study on the impact on the
relationship of having a child, the researchers found that depressive symptoms related to
perceptions based on attachment style. For example, anxiously attached women were
more depressed when they felt that their partners exhibited less caregiving behaviors,
were negatively reactive to them, or were less engaged in the relationship (Rholes et al.,
2011). This is commensurate with the anxiously attached styles’ desire for relational
proximity and fears of abandonment (Ainsworth & Bowlby; Cassidy & Berlin, 1994;
Hazan & Shaver, 2007). Moreover, avoidantly attached husbands had depressive
symptoms related to perceptions in their reduced independence due to caregiving time for
infants and children, less affiliative connection with their romantic partner, and more
negative relational interactions with their romantic partner. Limitations to the study are
69
that it is correlational and does imply causality. Also, parenthood transition but not
ongoing parenting was studied, and findings may be culturally limited (Rholes et al.,
2011).
Recent relationship interactions impact their perceptions of the relationship. The
study by Rholes et al. (2011) is highly illustrative that perceptions of the anxiously
attached individual directly impact felt experiences and views of the relationship. The
following study shows how other perceptions can impact relationship satisfaction. In a
fourteen day daily diary study, Campbell, Simpson, Boldry, and Kashy (2005) found that
anxiously attached individuals were more likely to perceive relationship upset when it
was actually there, or by misreading cues, and were more likely to be negatively affected
by the relationship upset into the next day, whereas their relationship counterparts were
not. Also, if relationship upset was occurring, they were more likely to escalate the
conflict, feel distress, view the future of the relationship in a negative manner, filter
positive behavior of their partner who might be trying to diffuse the upset, and view their
partner’s relationship satisfaction as less than it actually was. On days when anxiously
attached adults found that the relationship was going well, they were more likely to view
this as a predictor of positive relationship outcome, and reported more satisfaction in the
relationship. This illustrates that anxiously attached individuals will use recent
relationship interactions as a barometer of their self-esteem, self-worth, lovability, and
relationship satisfaction (Campbell et al., 2005). While a limitation of the study is the
young age of the participants, the results are aligned with attachment theory. However,
the age of the participants may show more ingenuous attachment issues as the
participants were young enough that effective relationship strategies and strategies to deal
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with relationship issues may not as yet been learned (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). While
this study illustrates the impact of conflict on perceptions of self and relationship
satisfaction, the following study illustrates the attachment styles perceptions and
reactions to relationship threats.
Response to relationship threats with hypervigilance. In a series of six studies of
Israeli undergraduates on cognitive scripts and how the various attachment styles respond
to relationship threats, participants were measured for attachment style, personality traits,
social desirability and verbal ability (Ein-Dor et al., 2011). Participants were asked to
respond through writing to what their view was of a drawing that had a scary animal in
the forest, to video clips, through recalling memories, through deductive reasoning, and
through reaction to a smoke filled laboratory. Ein-Dor et al. (2011) found that securely
attached individuals will respond with a secure based script (that they can rely on others
for support when they encounter an obstacle and need assistance), anxiously attached
individuals respond with a hypervigilance to relationship threat cues, a desire to warn
others, and a desire for proximity to the partner, and avoidantly attached individuals
respond with a fight or flight reflex that is overly self-reliant, and non-collaborative with
others. A limitation of this study is that since it was carried out in Israel, there could be
cultural differences. However, Ainsworth and Bowlby believed in the universality of
attachment theory and were highly encouraging of cross-cultural studies (Ainsworth &
Bowlby, 1991). Objectively, this study seems to highly correspond with attachment style
theory and how the various attachment styles think and behave.
Ambivalence toward partners. Much research has focused on the anxious aspect
of anxious-ambivalent attachment styles, which the style is also referred to. Anxiously
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attached individuals may hold both negative and positive views of their partners, and
depending on the emotional triggers, either the anxious, proximity seeking behavior with
their partner will be exhibited, or the distancing behavior and negative views of their
partner may be more prevalent (Mikulincer et al., 2010). The ambivalent aspect of this
attachment style includes that when a shift toward or away from closeness in the
relationship occurs, so does attitudinal ambivalence toward the partner, as well as an
increase in motivational ambivalence towards being in a relationship. Also, this
relationship style can have less overall integrated views of their partner, whereby, they
can show more extreme positive or negative views of their partner.
Furthermore, anxiously attached individual’s descriptions of their past or current
romantic relationships will typically be depicted along a continuum of idealizing or being
ambivalent toward the relationship partners that they describe (Mikulincer et al., 2010).
This would include describing their relationship behavior along a spectrum of being a
loving and supportive mate to being overly sensitive, being more conflictual, describing
situations with the partner where there was less effective communication (Mikulincer &
Shaver, 2007), feeling misunderstood by their partners, feeling like they could not, or
give examples of when they could not, count on their partners when they needed them
(Cutrona et al., 2007), such as when they were feeling sick, feeling anxious at times about
the relationship or the partner’s behavior (Fraley et al., 2006), feeling ambivalent at times
about the partner or the relationship (Mikulincer et al., 2010) and generally being less
happy in the relationship than a securely attached person might report (Dinero et al.,
2008).
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This section briefly described how perceptions impact the perceived quality of
relationship and relationship satisfaction and how perceptions can lead to hyperactivation
of the anxiously attached style. The following section briefly discusses some of the
behaviors of the anxiously attached style.
Behaviors. Anxiously attached women can have some unproductive behaviors in
romantic relationships, which is often the outcome of their cognitions and perceptions.
This section will briefly discuss the difference between their calmer and soothed behavior
when they are with more secure partners and are not hyperactivated, and their
hyperactivated relationship behaviors due to the negative interactions and approach of
their avoidantly attached partners, and how these behaviors negatively impact their often
dismissive avoidantly attached partners.
Hyperactivated behaviors: proximity seeking, vigilance, seek reassurance, efforts
to be loved. There is extensive literature that supports that anxiously attached individuals
are clingy, needy, jealous, are not effective communicators when they are hyperactivated
due to relationship threats, and are conflict-oriented (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991;
Feeney, 2008; Main, 1996; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2003, 2007). In romantic relationships,
anxiously attached people can require excessive amounts of reassurance, and can be
overly focused on the romantic relationship, and the barometer of felt security in the
relationship, which ranges from secure to insecure depending on what is taking place in
the relationship (Mikulincer et al., 2003). This includes a vigilance to shifts in facial
expressions of their partners, which can hyperactivate anxious attachment strategies,
including seeking reassurance that the relationship is secure, that they are loved, and
lovable, and that the relationship will not end (despite a lack of evidence), and partner
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reassurance (Fraley et al., 2006). They can exert excessive effort to be loved and cared
for, often with an underlying expectation that this will not occur, and then feel angry
when it is not reciprocated (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Cassidy & Kobak, 1988).
More hyperactivation when with avoidantly attached partners. When considering
the relationship behaviors of anxiously attached heterosexual women, this must be done
within the context of the system within which they frequently find themselves: a pairing
with an avoidantly attached man (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Klohnen & Luo, 2003). A
previous section identified the emotional reactions of securely, avoidantly, and anxiously
attached partners to relationship and non-relationship events (Mikulincer & Shaver,
2005). It is clear and paramount to understand that while specific cognitions of the
anxiously attached person exist and impact relationship behaviors, so do the relationship
cognitions and behaviors of their chosen partner (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Klohnen &
Luo, 2003; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2005). The more securely attached their partner is, the
less anxiously attached women will engage in hyperactivated behaviors as they will feel
that their needs will be met, and they can much more easily be soothed when emotionally
triggered (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Cutrona et al., 2007). For example, when partners of
anxiously attached individuals exhibit low relationship commitment, this hyperactivates
the anxiously attached woman’s rejection sensitivity, and triggers more conflict and lack
of skill in communication and conflict resolution (Tran & Simpson, 2009). To support
this, Paley et al. (1999) found that dismissively attached husbands expressed less
relationship commitment than did securely attached husbands. This illustrates that the
cognitions, perceptions, and behaviors of the partner directly impact those of the
anxiously attached woman.
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Interrelation of partners results in each partner’s dissatisfaction. Likewise,
Kirkpatrick and Davis (1994) believe that the behaviors of anxiously attached women in
relationships cause their avoidantly attached partners to become upset and dissatisfied
with them. For example, if they are being mistrustful, clingy, or demanding, this
threatens the autonomy of the avoidantly attached mate and results in upset and
relationship dissatisfaction. However, it is clear that avoidantly attached partners strive
for independence and autonomy (Connors, 1997) and so the very act of proximity seeking
which is the crux of anxiously attached individual’s behavior sets off the deactivating
system (seeking emotional and physical distance from the partner) of the avoidantly
attached partner (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2003, 2007) likely from very early on in the
relationship.
Proximity seeking due to partner’s deactivation. The cycle ensues as this
deactivation from the avoidantly attached partner can result in anger, disappointment,
conflict, poor communication, and rejection sensitivity (Tran & Simpson, 2007) of the
anxiously attached partner. While they are seeking proximity, Kirkpatrick and Davis
(1994) also found that anxiously attached women were more accommodating of their
partners due to their dependency on the relationship, their fear of abandonment, and their
concern over if they would find another partner. Therefore, their needs for proximity are
tempered by their fear of abandonment, and this creates a conundrum whereby ultimately
they cannot truly get their relationship needs met, and they are regularly in hyperactivated
states (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2003, 2007). For example, when anxiously attached adults
perceive that their partner is unavailable, this can result in seeking proximity, searching
for cues of availability, or pleading or being angry at them for not being available
75
(Mikulincer et al., 2003). They might even engage in conflict in order to maintain
proximity with their partner (Paley et al., 1999). Additionally, difficulty in managing
affect and accessing cognitions that result in calming anxious states and engaging in
conflictual relating can be the outcome (Mikulincer et al., 2003). Paley et al. (1999)
found that anxiously attached wives express less positive affect than do continuously and
earned secure wives, and dismissing wives. Further, they can display more negative
affect that might include anxiety and fear.
It naturally follows that there can be less desire to explore and engage in activities
outside of the relationship by anxiously attached women because proximity seeking of
the partner can be so strong (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). This ultimately can cause
resentment from avoidantly attached partners who want more autonomy (Connors, 1997)
and does not allow the anxiously attached person to be as interesting or stimulated, or to
engage in caregiving to others (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007) as they otherwise might be
able to be. All of this highlights the internal defense mechanisms learned in early
childhood, as it perpetuates in romantic relationship behavior. This is obvious as support
seeking or caregiving is considered.
Hesitant to ask for support. In a study of the impact of caregiving and support
seeking from various attachment styles, the perception of these by the partners, and the
impact on relationship quality, Collins and Feeney (2000) found that avoidantly attached
individuals will typically ask for support indirectly, through such behaviors as sulking or
hinting, whereas anxiously attached individuals are hesitant to ask for support unless they
are also low in avoidance behavior. When anxiously attached partners were clearly asked
for help from their avoidantly attached partners, they were able to provide it, but when
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the requests were unclear, they were less effective at caregiving behaviors. Anxiously
attached adults can often be overly concerned with their own needs or concerns of
rejection. On the other hand, avoidantly attached individuals can provide short term,
solution-oriented care to people when they are motivated to do so, and often when there
is less emotional involvement. The greater the relationship satisfaction, the more
positively rated the caregiving and support provided by the partner. However, the
authors did not distinguish between fearful-avoidant and dismissing-avoidant, the former
of which can be overinvolved caregiving, and the latter of which is often characterized by
a lack of caregiving due to the unconscious desire to remain distanced from their partner.
The authors believe that when relationship commitment is high, a desire to caregive to
the partner exists. Individuals with positive views of the relationship (often in securely
attached partners) perceived their partner to provide more care and support.
High or low caregiving. Furthermore, Collins and Feeney (2000) indicate that
highly anxiously attached individuals may provide notably higher or lower caregiving
than their partner requires, with a lack of ability to modulate the amount. Likewise,
Davila and Kashy (2009) found that highly anxious women would not provide caregiving
when it was requested by their partner. Interestingly, Davila and Kashy (2009) also
found that when partners of anxiously attached individuals provide support, they actually
can also feel anxiety, and believe it can be a result of not feeling good enough to provide
support to their partner, with a fear of the consequence of the relationship ending. This
seems paradoxical to avoidant styles, yet the fact that avoidant attachment is a defensive
strategy must be remembered (Bowlby, 1969; Silverman, 2011).
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Do not support partner’s exploration of activities outside the relationship.
Feeney and Collins (2001) found that securely attached partners were encouraging of
their partner’s exploration of activities outside of the relationship, providing a secure base
from which to explore. Both anxiously and avoidantly attached individuals did not
provide availability to their partner to support them as they were exploring. The
explanation is that anxiously attached individuals may try to over-involve their partners,
and avoidantly attached partners may not communicate a desire for support (Feeney &
Collins, 2001). However, avoidantly attached partners are often dismissive and
disinterested and do not provide reinforcement behaviors for the anxiously attached
partner to seek support, and may provide negative reinforcement of this through negative
communication or behaviors (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2005; Simpson et al., 2002).
Positive response to partner’s good news. Securely attached individuals are
typically celebratory in their response of positive news shared by their partners, and
likewise accurately perceive and experience this from their partners (Mikulincer &
Shaver, 2005, 2007). Sharing one’s own and responding to positive news with a partner
is an intimacy-seeking act, which would be in keeping with relationship goals of
anxiously attached individuals, and inconsistent with the goals of avoidantly attached
partners (Bartholmew & Horowitz, 1991; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2005). In a study of
responses of partners who heard positive news shared by the other partner, it was found
that anxiously attached partners were responsive, but this was underrated by avoidantly
attached partners, and when paired with avoidantly attached partners, anxiously attached
partners were responded less to (Shallcross et al., 2011). The findings of this study were
that anxiously attached partners view their partners as less responsive to their good news,
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in anxious-avoidant pairings. The authors of this study believe that the neediness
exhibited in the relationship by anxiously attached partners causes the avoidantly
attached partners to withhold and stonewall their partners when requests are made of
them, or when good news is presented to them that otherwise securely attached
individuals would positively respond to. In addition, while avoidantly attached partners
acknowledged that their anxiously attached partners did positively respond to their good
news, avoidantly attached partners viewed their anxiously attached partners as less
responsive to their good news than did observers in the study. It supports the findings of
Mikulincer and Shaver (2005), as well. This study also highlights the filtering (defensive
strategy) of avoidantly attached partners who downplay their partners as responsive or
attentive. The authors designate that this can lead to more negative cyclical relationship
behavior: that avoidantly attached partners may disclose less to their anxiously attached
partners, and then when they do disclose, they may (inaccurately) perceive their
anxiously partner as less responsive (Shallcross et al., 2011).
In summary, it is clear that each attachment style brings their own cognitions,
perceptions, and behaviors to the relationship, that these interact with the partner, and
some of these enhance and detract from the quality of the relationship. Fortunately, there
are also a number of cognitions, perceptions, and behaviors that can also positively
impact the romantic relationship and these will now be discussed.
Cognitions, perceptions, and behavior that enhance relationship satisfaction.
The following discusses some studies on cognitions, perceptions, and behaviors such as
commitment, self management, and felt security that can enhance relationship
satisfaction.
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Relationship commitment. Tran and Simpson (2009) found that the felt sense of
relationship commitment from their partner for anxiously attached adults in romantic
relationships resulted in decreased insecurity, less rejection sensitivity, feeling more
accepted by their partner, and a higher likelihood of accommodating their partners’ needs
or requests. This is germane with the concept of the romantic partner providing a safe,
consistent and secure base (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Bowlby, 1969). Mikulincer and
Shaver (2007) stated that healthy romantic relationships are those where each partner
feels the other will be there for them in times of need, which reveals the crux of felt
security, the key essence of what insecure attachment styles did not get from early
caregivers (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Bowlby, 1969). This also includes choosing a
partner who is highly committed (Tran & Simpson, 2009). Likewise, Cutrona et al.
(2007) found that when partners feel that their emotional needs are attended to, they feel
soothed. Also, when one of the pair has a more secure attachment style, this can mitigate
the escalation of conflict, improve communication in emotional or conflictual situations,
ultimately not detracting from relationship satisfaction (Alexandrov et al., 2005). All of
this demonstrates the hopefulness of attachment theory: that relationship partners can
learn about being a secure base, can learn how to provide that secure base, and can enjoy
greater relationship satisfaction.
Self-soothing. Second, specific solutions to relationship issues, such as learning
to self-soothe through internalizing secure attachment figures can enhance relationships
(Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). Internalizing a secure-based script, would mean that the
anxiously attached person could ultimately allow themselves to choose a partner who
could meet their needs (Cutrona et al., 2007; Tomlinson et al., 2010) when they need help
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or experience distress of some kind, and the partner would want to help and would avail
himself to help, and the anxiously attached person would experience relief as a result of
the help (Mikulincer et al., 2009). Likewise, being more mindful to reduce
hyperactivating strategies (Saavedra et al., 2010), and choosing a partner who is loving
and reassuring (Tomlinson et al., 2010) will also ultimately lead to self-soothing.
Felt security. Third, Davila and Kashy (2009) completed a fourteen-day daily
diary study. These researchers found that when couples view their relationships as a
secure base from which daily functioning occurs, their felt sense of security increased on
a daily basis. From their study of daily interactions of couples and how these impact
secure base functioning of the romantic relationship, the findings of this study emphasize
that anxiously attached individuals need to learn to express their needs for support in a
healthy, clear, and realistic manner, and to recognize and reinforce the support that they
do receive from their partners. When they can ask for this support in a clear manner that
does not appear needy, their partners are more likely to provide it. Anxiously attached
individuals need to learn to ask their avoidantly attached partners to express their needs
clearly and ask for the kind of support they need. Avoidantly attached partners in turn
need to provide this support or explain why they cannot. They also need to keep in mind
that they may have a propensity to be less responsive in times of need and to be aware of
cues of when their partner needs support. However, limitations of this study are that
Davila and Kashy’s (2009) sample was comprised of college students, in which
relationship satisfaction was controlled for but not measured, and participants used selfreport versus being observed which may have influenced the findings. Generalization to
older couples may only take place with caution.
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The previous section discussed cognitions, perceptions, and behaviors that can
enhance relationship satisfaction. The following section will discuss sexuality as it
relates to anxiously attached women in romantic relationships.
Sexuality. Sexuality from an anxiously attached person’s perspective can be used
in more or less healthy approaches, depending on the intention, motives, and
hyperactivation of the individual, which results in proximity seeking. For anxiously
attached adults, sexuality in the relationship is multifaceted. They are likely to use
sexuality to meet their attachment needs, such as to reassure themselves in the
relationship, or to initiate or maintain closeness with a partner (Brassard, Shaver, &
Lussier, 2007).
Desire for partner involvement. In a set of two studies on attachment styles, the
experience of sexual intercourse and relationship quality by Birnbaum, Reis, Mikulincer,
Gillath, and Orpaz (2006) that was potentially limited by the small sample size and selfreports by couples on sexual perceptions and attachment style, findings are consistent
with attachment theory. In the first study, the findings were that the higher the
attachment anxiety, the greater the sense of not being loved and the higher desire for
partner involvement during sexual activity. Additionally, there were more aversive
feelings and thoughts about sex, and women were more likely to have a stronger letting
go mindset during sex. These findings were not contingent upon currently being in a
romantic relationship.
Barometer of relational closeness. In the second study, the findings illustrated
that highly anxious women use sexual activity as a barometer of, and means to, relational
closeness, and will engage in sexual behavior for such purposes, which leads to
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evaluations of the relationship based on sexual activity and perceived closeness from it.
Women of other attachment styles and anxiously attached women will evaluate their
relationships and have corresponding behavior the next day with their positive or
negative appraisals of the previous day’s sexual activity. Likewise, the partners of highly
anxiously attached women will also have the same evaluations. Contrary to this,
avoidant partners who typically avoid intimacy likely engage in sexual activity for nonintimacy reasons, and their desire for less closeness may be portrayed through less
frequent sexual relations, more avoidance of sex, less intimate positions, and less
emotional connection during sexual acts, intrusive thoughts such as wondering if they
love their partner or are loved, and less desire to meet their partner’s physical needs
(Birnbaum et al., 2006). This study illustrates the intimacy seeking of the anxiously
attached partner, and intimacy avoidance of the dismissive avoidantly attached partner
that occurs through sexual relations.
Many motives for sexuality. A study by Davis, Shaver, and Vernon (2004) to
understand the sexual motives of the various types of attachment styles determined
similar results. The researchers found that when anxiously attached people felt insecure
in the relationship, they were more likely to be sexual. Other findings of motivations for
sexual contact by anxiously attached individuals were reassurance and emotional
closeness, power, manipulation, protection from a partner’s bad moods, caregiving,
procreation, overall sexual motivation, and to promote and maintain passion.
Importantly, the avoidant attachment style contributed to decreased passion over time.
Of course, a limitation to the study is that it was completed on-line, so there could be
uncertainty about the integrity of the responses. However, this study illustrates the depth
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of intensity that anxiously attached people will go to in order to elicit proximity and
connection with their partners (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2003; Saavedra et al., 2010). While
having sexual relations may promote sexual satisfaction in the relationship, which is a
healthy aspect of a romantic relationship, anxiously attached women need to explore
other ways to seek proximity that are a win-win in the relationship, and that may be a
more direct expression of needs in a healthy communication style (Davila & Kashy,
2009).
Extradyadic involvement: intimacy seeking. Attachment theory provides a very
helpful perspective on extradyadic involvement. While the lowest incidence of affairs
were found in securely attached couples, the motivation for anxiously attached
individuals was seeking intimacy and closeness, and for dismissive styles it was seeking
autonomy and independence (Allen & Baucom, 2004). When people have sex, hormones
rise when an orgasm is reached: oxytocin in women, and vasopressin in men, ultimately
emotionally bonding individuals, sometimes strongly (Fisher, 2004). Other theorists find
that oxytocin is released during positive interactions with a partner, during sexual
interactions, and thinking about a partner (Gonzaga, Turner, Keltner, Campos, &
Altemus, 2006). For the anxiously attached woman who engages in such behavior, a
cycle of proximity seeking (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2003; Saavedra et al., 2010) leading to
her needs being minimally met or ultimately rejection can very negatively cause
hyperactivation (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
This section illustrated that there are many intentions and motives for engaging in
sex. The next section will discuss a critical factor that very negatively impacts an
anxiously attached woman’s life: romantic relationship termination and grief.
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Romantic relationship termination and grief. Grief and responses to
relationship termination have unique nuances for the anxiously attached style. This is
because the desire for a romantic relationship is so high, yet partner selection, and
relationship cognitions, perceptions, and behaviors are often contradictory to a healthy
relationship, and often contribute to the most feared loss of an anxiously attached person:
their perceived secure base of their romantic partner. This section will illustrate that
there is generally a lack of desire or ability to leave relationships, even when they are not
fulfilling, as well as intense grief, less effective coping, and a long grieving process.
Loneliness. Bowlby (1980) discussed the intense grief related to the loss of any
relationship of a loved one and the unrealistic imposition by society to overcome that loss
in a short amount of time. Bowlby (1980) identified that the loss of a romantic partner is
not the same as other losses (such as for a child or a parent), and after the loss of a
romantic partner, loneliness sets in. Further, Ainsworth (1989) specified that adult sexual
pair bonds include three components: reproductive (sexual), attachment, and caregiving.
Some relationships endure a lasting sexual attraction, but not all do. Some couples
remain together to care for their offspring and each other, and do so in varying capacities
and reciprocity depending on many factors, including attachment style. For Ainsworth
(1989), it was clear that attachment occurred in couples as evidenced by the sadness and
loneliness that endures upon the endings of the relationships.
Abandonment anxiety. Loss of a romantic relationship is difficult for most
people. However, when anxiously attached adults lose a relationship, keeping in mind
that proximity seeking and connection are critical goals of this style, and abandonment
anxiety is prevalent (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Fraley et al., 2006), the loss is
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pronounced both in terms of the intensity of feelings upon termination, as well as the
process of grief (Hazan & Shaver, 1987; Sbarra & Ferrer, 2006). These feelings could
range from sadness to anger and bitterness (Sbarra & Ferrer, 2006).
Moreover, anxiously attached people may not be aware that their anxiety about
relationships ending has likely paradoxically facilitated relationships that have ended
(Mikulincer et al., 2003), when their partner is avoidant due to the inability of the
avoidant partner to reassure them about the relationship or their importance to them
(Connors, 1997; Land et al., 2010).
Lack of desire to terminate relationships. For an anxiously attached woman,
ending the relationship may not be considered at all, or considered possible, given their
strong attachment orientations to their partner (Davila & Bradbury, 2001; Davis, Shaver,
and Vernon, 2003). Therefore, their desire to be in a relationship may be a stronger
driver than being happy in the relationship, or terminating the relationship to start anew
in the future. Moreover, the drive to be wanted and loved by their partner may override
relationship satisfaction (Brassard et al., 2009; Davila & Bradbury, 2001). They can
sometimes remain in relationships too long due to their perceived past and future
investments, especially intangible investments, in the relationship (Goodfriend &
Agnew, 2008). Whether the anxiously attached woman actually wants the partner whom
she so desperately seeks to stay with is a fascinating paradox that illustrates the complex
cognitive schemata about loved ones, and the level of intense desire to remain in
proximity to them (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2003; Saavedra et
al., 2010). An example is the ongoing difficulty with a partner who is unwilling to
consider their own role in the relationship, who cannot or will not learn to reassure the
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anxiously attached partner, and has to have it all their way (common in a dismissive
avoidant style with strong narcissistic characteristics; Connors, 1997; Land et al., 2010).
Maintains positive view of the partner. The anxiously attached woman perceives
that the rejection of her by her partner is her own fault, and maintains the positive view of
her partner, whereas dismissing styles will minimize the importance of relationships and
those who reject them, so they are able to maintain their self-esteem. The anxiously
attached woman on some levels feels that she does not deserve the love, care, respect, and
security that she is seeking (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991), yet she engages in
repetition compulsion (Freud, 1920) to maintain the partner at what may be very high
costs to her.
Cycle of abuse: multiple breakups. Often breakups take place more than once as
anxiously attached women or their partners attempt to end relationships (Davila &
Bradbury, 2001; Sbarra & Ferrer, 2006; Tomlinson et al., 2010). Relational goals that
move the anxiously attached person toward a partner, but then feel ambivalent about
being in a relationship may help to explain why there can be numerous reattempts to try
again with relationship partners that have ended (Mikulincer et al., 2010). Further, the
dismissive avoidantly attached partner also has ambivalence toward his anxiously
attached partner. As previously discussed, he pursues her, but then withdraws interest in
the relationship, as this unconsciously plays out his defensive strategy from the rejection
of his early caregiver (Connors, 1997; Shallcross et al., 2011; Silverman, 2011).
This can appear, and may actually be the cycle of abuse, where couples have
upsets, tension mounts, a break up occurs, and one partner pursues the other and a
honeymoon like phase begins, only to have the cycle repeat one or more times (Walker,
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1981). While the dismissive avoidantly attached partner uses the defensive strategy of
minimizing the importance of the relationship throughout the relationship, and when
termination occurs (Connors, 1997; Land et al., 2010) and deactivates by shutting down
emotional and/or physical connection (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Land et al., 2010),
thereby not consciously caring about the relationship termination, the hyperactivated
anxiously attached partner goes through extreme pain as her abandonment issues are
triggered and she loses proximity with her perceived secure base (Ainsworth & Bowlby,
1991; Fraley et al., 2006; Main, 1996; Mikulincer et al., 2003, 2007). The following
study illustrates some of the experienced emotions of anxiously attached adults during
break ups.
Love, anger, sadness, grief, and difficulty accepting the loss. The researchers of
a four week daily diary study on relationship termination in dating couples found that
love and longing predicted sadness, and sadness and anger can co-exist. However,
depending on why the couple broke up, anger can help to distance from the ex-partner.
Feelings of anger decreased subsequent reported feelings of love. In more securely
attached groups, the feeling of love did not linger. In the insecurely attached groups, love
was reported when other emotions were not, and when sadness and anger were not being
reported. Less poorly adjusted groups were unable to experience an array of emotions,
and tended to experience one or two of them at a time, unlike the better adjusted group
that was able to tolerate a wider range of feelings. Anxiously attached adults have
difficulty accepting loss of a relationship, and take longer to recover from the loss (Sbarra
& Ferrer, 2006). This study underscores that the trigger of abandonment rejection by
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relationship termination results in a myriad of feelings (Fraley et al., 2006; Mikulincer et
al., 2003, 2007).
Ineffective coping mechanisms for relationship termination. Anxiously
attached adults have a perception that they do not have effective emotional coping
mechanisms when relationships terminate (Sbarra & Ferrer, 2006; Tomlinson et al.,
2010). They often do not effectively manage their anxiety well around relationship
endings (Davila & Bradbury, 2001; Sbarra & Ferrer, 2006; Tomlinson et al., 2010), and
this is illustrated through the findings of the following study.
Davis et al. (2003) completed a study to determine the relationship between
attachment style and a variety of emotional and behavioral responses to relationship
break ups. Due to the protest and despair that Bowlby (1980) described about loss, the
researchers expected to find emotions and behavior about loss on two ends of the
spectrum: despair for the loss and wanting back the lost attachment figure, but anger and
upset at the partner for having left. They expected to find acting out behaviors
particularly by anxiously attached partners, including aggressive, coy, and sexually
seductive behaviors (Davis et al., 2003). The researchers found that gender was not
related to attachment anxiety or avoidance. Attachment anxiety was positively related to
being involved in the relationship prior to the breakup. Those who initiated the breakup
were less likely to be anxiously attached. The following discusses only the findings for
anxiously attached adults (Davis et al., 2003).
Distress, partner blame, anger, and hostility. Attachment anxiety was associated
with distress and partner blame. Proximity seeking was indicated through wanting/trying
and sexual arousal. Hostile indices were illustrated through anger/hostility/revenge and
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physically hurting the partner through physical violence. Paradoxically, attachment
anxiety and wanting the partner back predicted angry, hostile, or vengeful behavior. The
more the anxiously attached person wanted their partner back, the angrier they were
(Davis et al., 2003). This illustrates proximity seeking and anger when proximity cannot
be obtained, as is characteristic of anxious attachment styles (Ainsworth & Bowlby,
1991; Bowlby, 1969). However, this behavior clearly would typically elicit the opposite
effect of its goal: to reestablish the lost connection and dispel hyperactivated anxiety due
to loss.
Preoccupation with the lost partner; decreased involvement in activities. Davis
et al. (2003) also found that attachment anxiety resulted in preoccupation with the lost
partner as well as less involvement in other activities, such as school or work. Those who
are anxiously attached will use social coping when a break up occurs. Avoidance of the
partner was most likely if the anxiously attached person broke off the relationship,
otherwise there was not avoidance of the partner. Anxiously attached individuals would
be more likely to change jobs to avoid their partner. Anxious and avoidant partners used
more alcohol or drugs upon relationship dissolution. Perseverance of the partner, loss of
identity, a greater tendency to quickly start a new relationship (this was even higher if the
anxiously attached partner initiated the relationship breakup), were all reactions to the
break up.
Avoided or sought new relationships. Contrary to this, avoiding a new
relationship was also associated with attachment anxiety, so one of two extremes seems
evident: avoiding or seeking a new relationship (Davis et al., 2003). This is illustrative of
the ambivalent aspect of anxious attachment (Mikulincer et al., 2010). When their
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partner broke up with them, anxiously attached participants were very preoccupied with
them, including ruminative thoughts. A limitation to this study is whether participants
were truthful and considerate of their responses given that it was completed on-line
(Davis et al., 2003).
Better adjustment with social support and engagement in activities. Those
anxiously attached adults who have or have had a solid foundation of family and friends
have coped better with relationship turmoil, conflicts, endings and upsets through having
and/or internalizing these secure attachment figures (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). It is
possible that the participants who have established their own lives through time spent in
meaningful work and other non-romantic relationships will be more well-adjusted
through not over focusing on relationships for well-being and happiness (Alexandrov et
al., 2005; Dinero et al., 2008), and may have coped better with relationship endings
because there are other aspects of their lives that have contributed to a sense of balance
and purpose (Davila & Bradbury, 2001; Sbarra & Ferrer, 2006; Tomlinson et al., 2010).
A more useful perspective for anxiously attached women would be that relationships are
one important part of their life, but it is not and cannot be their only secure base, and their
happiness cannot be mainly linked to the relationship (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991;
Cassidy & Berlin, 1994).
This ends the formal literature review for this study on anxiously attached women
in romantic relationships.
Summary
The following summarizes the main conclusions for this literature review on
anxiously attached adult heterosexual women in romantic relationships. First, anxious
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attachment is a result of inconsistent parenting and extends throughout the lifespan into
adult romantic relationships (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Bowlby, 1969, 1973, 1980;
Main, 1996, 2000). Anxious attachment in adulthood results in an over-focus on
romantic relationships as a means to find a perceived secure attachment figure, where
excessive proximity seeking of the partner occurs with resultant hyperactivation when
this does not occur (Main, 1996, 2000; Mikulincer et al., 2003).
Second, partner selection is typically with a dismissive avoidantly attached style
(Alexandrov et al., 2005; Klohnen & Luo, 2003) which is the onset of frequent
hyperactivation of the anxiously attached woman due to opposite relationship goals:
proximity and intimacy seeking by the anxiously attached woman and autonomy and
independence of the dismissive avoidantly attached male partner (Grau & Doll, 2003;
Shallcross et al., 2011). Additionally, the manner in which the anxiously attached
woman is treated in the relationship by this partner choice can be dismissive, negative,
and does not allow for her needs to get met (Cassidy, 2000; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2005;
Simpson et al., 2002) or a sense of her partner being there for her in times of need
(Cutrona et al., 2007; Land et al., 2010; Silverman, 2011). All of this leads to overall
relationship dissatisfaction (Dinero et al., 2008; Fraley et al., 2006), and a perpetuation of
the cognitive schemata of the anxiously attached woman that she is not lovable or worthy
(Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991; Bretherton, 1992; Young, 1999, 2005). This leads to
further hyperactivation and proximity seeking (Mikulincer et al., 2003) and ongoing
perceptions that cause her to try to seek the love and reassurance that she needs (Ein-Dor
et al., 2011), which often results in extended upset, and a misunderstanding of her
intentions, which are not predominantly to control her partner, but which are to seek,
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find, and maintain intimacy and connection (Connors, 1997; Fraley et al., 2006). This
would include increased conflict, poor communication, and hypervigilance as it relates to
the partner’s relational behaviors, body language, and words (Mikulincer et al., 2009;
Saavedra et al., 2010). Also, such gestures as the anxiously attached woman using
sexuality (Birnbaum et al., 2006; Brassard et al., 2007; Davis et al., 2004) or creating
conflict to seek proximity and attention from her partner are clearly less productive
approaches to this goal (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2003).
The defensive strategy of anxiously attached women to become hypervigilant is
the very response that ultimately can lead to the demise of the relationship (Bowlby,
1973; Mikulincer et al., 2003). The anger, control, upset, excessive proximity seeking,
poor emotional management, ineffective communication, and conflict orientation
(Brassard et al., 2009), to name a few of the ineffective relationship behaviors of
anxiously attached women, are the very relationship experiences that ultimately will
cause the commonly chosen dismissive avoidantly attached partner to deactivate
(Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007), find the anxiously attached partner less appealing (Klohnen
& Luo, 2003), and lead to the very relationship outcomes that the anxiously attached
woman is most terrified of occurring: a relationship termination. Actual or anticipated
relationship termination is a trigger to the abandonment anxiety (Fraley et al., 2006;
Hazan & Shaver, 1987) that anxiously attached women have stemming back to their early
caregivers, and this further hyperactivates them to seek proximity (Ainsworth & Bowlby,
1991; Main, 1996, 2000; Mikulincer et al., 2003), and try to prevent the termination of
the relationship, despite that it might be a highly ineffective relationship (Tomlinson et
al., 2010) that could sometimes range along a spectrum of abusive behaviors from their
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dismissive avoidantly attached partner (Connors, 1997; Land et al., 2010; Mikulincer &
Shaver, 2005; Walker, 1981). Grieving over the lost relationship can be an extensive
process for the anxiously attached woman (Sbarra & Ferrer, 2006). Choosing a more
securely attached partner would clearly prevent much of this hyperactivation for the
anxiously attached woman (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Cutrona et al., 2007; Mikulincer &
Shaver, 2005).
In situations where a securely attached partner is chosen, there would be less
relational conflict, a greater sense of felt security, and a learned ability to self-soothe
because hyperactivation would be met with diffusion, soothing, and reassurance by the
partner (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Cutrona et al., 2007; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2005).
Moreover, a felt sense of trust would more likely exist in those relationships (Campbell et
al., 2010). This type of relationship could help to lead to an earned secure attachment
style where there is a felt sense that the romantic partner would be there in times of need
(Cutrona et al., 2007), an ability to self-soothe (Bowlby, 1973; Mikulincer & Shaver,
2007), and a greater overall sense of internal security that would allow the anxiously
attached woman to explore her world with the knowledge that she is doing so from a
secure base. However, while this type of partner selection is ideal, it is not as simple as
just stating so (Klohnen & Luo, 2003). Often anxiously attached women need to
internalize the depth of pain and the type of life they would have on an ongoing basis
with a dismissive avoidantly attached partner (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2005; Shallcross et
al., 2011), and shift their cognitive perceptions of why a safe, secure, kind, and loving
partner would be a healthy and appealing choice that would lead to relationship
satisfaction on an ongoing basis (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Cutrona et al., 2007). What
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further complicates this is that securely attached individuals overall tend to pair with each
other (Klohnen & Luo, 2003).
Other ways to obtain an earned secure style are through other formal or informal
relationships, such as through therapy (Ainsworth, 1991; Bretherton, 1992; Young,
2005), or significant adults such as mentors, friends, or respected others (Bernier &
Dozier, 2002; Paley et al., 1999; Roisman et al., 2002). Individual work through therapy
(to heal wounds from early caregivers) or through self development where the anxiously
attached woman learns to self-soothe through internalizing secure attachment figures by
asking herself what they would say to soothe or guide her and providing this for herself is
also a profoundly useful tool to work toward an earned secure style (Bowlby, 1973;
Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). This reflects the significant hopefulness to this theory: that
individuals can improve themselves and their lives regardless of their early attachment
caregiving relationships (Bernier & Dozier, 2002; Mitchell, 2007; Paley et al., 1999;
Roisman et al., 2002).
This literature review has provided a review of the constructs of romantic
relationships. Chapter 3 provides details of this study on anxiously attached heterosexual
adult women in romantic relationships, using the research design of Moustakas’
transcendental phenomenological reduction methodology, by means of the modified Van
Kaam research design method which provided the opportunity to examine this topic in
depth.
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CHAPTER 3. METHODOLOGY
Introduction
This chapter will focus on the detailed methods and procedures that were carried
out for this research study on the lived experiences of anxiously attached, adult,
heterosexual, women in romantic relationships. Specifically, this chapter will include the
purpose of the study, research design, target population and participant selection,
sampling procedures and methods of sampling, methods and procedures to obtain
informed consent and maintain data securely, and for data collection, including how data
was organized and prepared for analysis.
Purpose of the Study
In Chapter 1, the general and specific research problem, research purpose, and
research question were presented. This section is intended to reorient the readers to these
aspects of the study, with a focus on methodology.
Research Problem
There is an excessive amount of romantic relationship unhappiness (Fraley &
Shaver, 2000) and dissolution, with divorce rates at approximately 50% in North America
(Schoen & Canudas-Romo, 2006). Some issues that may contribute to this include
ineffective relating between couples (Brassard et al., 2009; Connors, 1997; Saavedra et
96
al., 2010), or individual issues such as depression (Atkins et al., 2009; Pearson et al.,
2010), or issues with trust of the partner (Campbell et al., 2010).
Unfortunately, many people do not understand themselves or romantic
relationships enough to realize their own negative contributions to the situation, or to try
to implement effective relationship strategies for long term romantic relationship
happiness (Bartz & Lyndon, 2006; Brassard et al., 2009; Connors, 1997).
Anxiously attached partners have the lowest relationship satisfaction of any of the
attachment styles (Dinero et al., 2008). Therefore, it was important to understand this
unique population in a more in depth manner (Moustakas, 1994; van Kaam, 1959) so that
some contribution to the general problem of relationship dissatisfaction (Fraley & Shaver,
2000; Schoen & Canudas-Romo, 2006), and the specific problem of relationship
dissatisfaction in this population may further be understood (Dinero et al., 2008). As
such, the research question will now be noted.
Research Question
The research question that this study addressed was “What is the lived experience
of anxiously attached, adult, heterosexual women while in romantic relationships?”
Research Purpose
The purpose and goal of this particular constructivist-interpretivist study, which
was carried out through the Moustakas’ transcendental phenomenological reduction
methodology, using the modified Van Kaam research design methodology, was to
provide an in depth understanding of what was in the consciousness of anxiously
attached, adult, heterosexual women through their lived experiences in romantic
relationships (Husserl, 1931 in Moustakas, 1994; Moustakas, 1994; van Kaam, 1959).
97
van Kaam believed that a participant who really felt understood, who expressed
their actual experiences versus their thoughts or opinions, could help to shed light on a
particular phenomenon (Moustakas, 1994; van Kaam, 1959), and the researcher believes
that this was achieved.
Through these in depth perspectives, some aspects of the findings of other
quantitative studies have been verified, and further information about those findings may
have been obtained. In those quantitative studies, only specific variables were focused on
and there were different intentions and purposes of those studies versus open-ended
explorations of the lived experiences of these women in romantic relationships
(Moustakas, 1994; Roth & Mehta, 2002; van Kaam, 1959). Also, it is possible that other
constructivist-interpretivist or post-positivistic studies may be implemented as a result of
the findings of this study, as are recommended at the end of Chapter 5 (Franco, Friedman,
& Arons, 2008; Ponterotto, 2002, 2005).
Now that the purpose of this phenomenological study has been reviewed, research
design will be discussed in detail.
Research Design
This section provides a step-by-step description of the research design and
processes that were followed, with the intention that another researcher could duplicate
the process (Morrow, 2005; Porter, 2007; Rolfe, 2006).
Type of Design
As written in Chapter 1, this qualitative research design was a one-interview,
purposive (Polkinghorne, 2005; participants were referred by therapists and self-selected
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who met the anxiously attached criteria), Moustakas’ transcendental phenomenological
reduction methodology, which used the modified Van Kaam approach (Husserl, 1931 in
Moustakas, 1994; Moustakas, 1994) was used, where the saturation level of 10 (Wertz,
2005) anxiously attached, heterosexual, adult female participants were interviewed once
to obtain an in depth understanding of their lived experience while in romantic
relationships, with identified emergent themes (Moustakas, 1994; van Kaam, 1959). The
unit of analysis, therefore, was individuals.
Research Design Diagram
The following research design diagram illustrates the processes that were
followed to conduct, analyze, and interpret the data. It includes steps that countered
issues with credibility and ensured rigor in the research study process (Morrow, 2005;
Porter, 2007; Rolfe, 2006), and includes all ethical procedures were followed in an exact
manner (APA, 2002, 2007). Certain terms appear in quotations to maintain the integrity
of the Moustakas process.
Obtain independent reviewer confirmation that the study is of sound methodological
choice and well-strategized (Byrne, 1996; Morrow, 2005; Moustakas, 1994; Yeh &
Inman, 2007)
↓
Conduct an intensive, primary literature review (Moustakas, 1994)
↓
Clearly outline sample characteristics for anxiously attached, adult, heterosexual, women
with delimiters
↓
Plan for ethical issues: review the ethical issues and ensure awareness of, compliance,
and knowledge of the steps before any research actions take place; create an explanation
of the nature and purpose of the research for participants and referring individuals and
professionals; create an informed consent form that discusses and ensures confidentiality;
create a list of the roles and responsibilities of the participant and the researcher; create a
list of therapists, emergency rooms, and community sources that can be sought out if the
participant needs support after the interview; arrange for space in the locked filing
99
cabinets in the researcher’s professional and home office; create a coding system for
confidentiality; stay in close contact with the research committee to ensure acceptable
compliance with research steps (APA, 2002, 2007; Drogin, Connell, Foote, & Sturm,
2010; Husserl, 1931 in Moustakas, 1994; Moustakas, 1994; Ponterotto, 2005)
↓
Request for participant referrals: Send letters and communications to professionals,
professional organizations, and past and current clients; create a specific social
networking page for the study, and advertisements (Hamilton & Bowers, 2006; Morrow,
2005; Polkinghorne, 2005)
↓
Review the research question with the committee that will be asked of participants, and
review the created list of probing questions in Appendix B (which was created from the
literature review) (Moustakas, 1994)
↓
Obtain any further training or reading resource material for completing a
phenomenological interview (Chang & Berk, 2009; Chwalisz, Shah, & Hand, 2008;
Creswell et al., 2007; Leech & Onwuegbuzie, 2008; Morrow, 2005; Moustakas, 1994;
Nielsen, 2007; Osborne, 1994; Polkinghorne, 2005; Shaw & Hector, 2010; Thomas,
2003; van Kaam, 1959; Wertz, 2005; Yoshikawa, Weisner, Kalil, & Way, 2008)
↓
Screen for participant referrals (APA, 1994, 2002; Moustakas, 1994; Polkinghorne, 2005)
↓
Arrange for participant interviews, confirm the purpose and objectives of the research
with selected participants, and arrange for the informed consent form to be signed at the
interviews (APA, 2002, 2007; Moustakas, 1994). Advise participants what sources of
secondary data they may wish to consider bringing to the interview in original, copied, or
photographed formats (Polkinghorne, 2005). Advise the participants that they will
receive a transcript of the interview to check for accuracy within one week of the
interview (Moustakas, 1994).
↓
Meet with participants; establish rapport; review the purpose of the study; ensure that the
informed consent form is signed; discuss confidentiality of data storage and disposal;
remind participants that they can stop at any time; provide participants with a list of
hospitals, community health organizations, and individual therapists (APA, 2002, 2007;
Moustakas, 1994)
↓
Remind participants that the focus is on their own, personal, unique, lived experiences
versus opinions or thoughts on the topic (Moustakas, 1994; Porter, 2007; van Kaam,
1959). If they think of additional information after the interview is over, they are
welcome to provide it, or another interview could be booked, and it will be added to their
transcription (Moustakas, 1994; Polkinghorne, 2005)
↓
Both the researcher and participants go into a state of epoche for the interview to focus on
the phenomenon, and to try to go to a reduction state where the participant is
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experiencing the phenomenon “for the first time” (Husserl, 1931 in Moustakas, 1994;
Moustakas, 1994, p. 34).
↓
Interview participants (data collection) by asking the open-ended research question, using
probing questions, if necessary; attempt to have participants describe their lived
experiences in as much detail as possible (Moustakas, 1994; van Kaam, 1959)
↓
The researcher will note observations of participants through the researcher making
discrete notes during, and digitally recording these and other thoughts after, the study;
interview the participant about secondary data; make copies, scan, or take photos of
secondary data, if possible (Moustakas, 1994; Polkinghorne, 2005)
↓
Download participant interviews, observations, and secondary data into their files
↓
Transcribe interviews with and observations of participants, and secondary data
(Moustakas, 1994) using a professional transcription service
↓
Check each transcription for each type of data collection: by the researcher of the
interviews, observations and secondary data, and by the participant of interviews and
secondary data (Gelo et al., 2008; Moustakas, 1994)
↓
Make any necessary changes to the transcripts
↓
Data Analysis: The researcher will begin the entire data analysis process consisting of the
steps in the following boxes for each type of data collection: participant interviews,
participant observations, and participant secondary data. Each type of data collection will
have its own analysis process using Moustakas’ modified van Kaam method, beginning
with participant interviews (Moustakas, 1994).
↓
Go into a state of epoche for the data analysis process of the [participant interviews,
participant observations, and participant secondary data] data (Husserl, 1931 in
Moustakas, 1994); begin analysis using Moustakas’ Transcendental Phenomenological
Reduction, using the modified van Kaam method (Moustakas, 1994). The following
steps will take place first for each individual participant interview.
↓
After entering epoche, the researcher will be open to the information, engage in
horizonalization, through making lists and initial groupings of statements by participants
that are germane to describing what it is like being an anxiously attached woman in a
romantic relationship (Moustakas, 1994) without narrowing the information too quickly
(McNamara, 2007). This allows for emerging themes and a grouping of those themes,
and an in-depth understanding of the phenomena (Moustakas, 1994; van Kaam, 1959).
↓
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In the reduction and elimination phase, each expression will be considered by two
criteria: if what the participant described contains an element relevant enough to obtain
understanding from it, and if it is possible to conceptualize and label it (Moustakas,
1994). If not, then horizonalization has not occurred, and what the participant has
expressed is eliminated, as are any statements that are not unique to what has already
been said or those that are too vague (van Kaam, 1959). The statements that remain after
this elimination process are horizons, which are what Moustakas (1994) called “invariant
constituents of the experience” (p. 121). These are consistent units of meaning that are
pervasive themes amongst the participants (McNamara, 2007).
↓
The remaining invariant constituents are clustered and thematized, and these become the
“core themes” of the experience (Moustakas, 1994, p. 121; van Kaam, 1959).
↓
The transcripts of each participant are checked against the identified themes to determine
if they are specifically indicated or if they fit in with the core themes; if they are not, they
are deleted (Moustakas, 1994; van Kaam, 1959).
↓
Using the invariant constituents and core themes, “individual textural descriptions” are
determined for each participant through specific, which are quoted examples from the
transcripts of participants (Moustakas, 1994, p.121). These textural descriptions indicate
the what of the phenomenon, in an uncensored manner, from many perspectives in the
participants’ descriptions (Moustakas, 1994).
↓
Based on the individual textural descriptions and imaginative variation, “individual
structural descriptions” for each participant is determined (Moustakas, 1994, p. 121).
Imaginative variation is when the researcher considers the various meanings that could be
assigned to the textural descriptions (Moustakas, 1994). This is the ‘how’ and ‘why’
something happened (McNamara, 2007, p. 1519). According to Moustakas (1994) the
structural description is the underlying reason or basis for the textural description.
↓
For each participant, a “textural-structural description of the meanings and essences of
the experience, incorporating the invariant constituents and themes” are determined
(Moustakas, 1994, p. 121). Creswell et al. (2007) describes the textural as “what
happened” and the structural of “how the phenomenon was experienced” (p. 157).
↓
Check with committee members about findings during the process to ensure that
researcher bias is reduced (Morrow, 2005)
↓
The researcher will begin the data analysis of the next form of data collected [participant
observations and participant secondary data], using Moustakas’ modified van Kaam
method (Moustakas, 1994).
↓
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The above “Data Analysis” process will then be completed for a conglomerate of all
forms of data obtained (Husserl, 1931 in Moustakas, 1994) using Moustakas’
Transcendental Phenomenological Reduction, using the modified van Kaam method
(Moustakas, 1994)
↓
A “composite description of the meanings and essences of the experience, representing
the group as a whole” is determined (Moustakas, 1994, p. 121), which is an
amalgamation of the themes and meanings that have emerged from the participants.
↓
Check with committee members about findings during the process to ensure that
researcher bias is reduced (Morrow, 2005)
↓
Write and present findings, using verbatim examples for each step of data analysis
(Moustakas, 1994)
↓
Presentation strategies in Chapter 4 of the dissertation include the chapter’s purpose, its
organization, how it fits into the overall dissertation, a brief restatement of the research
question, why the researcher is interested in this topic, the background, training and
experience of the researcher to conduct the research, the role of the researcher in data
collection and analysis, and significant effects of the researcher on any stage of the
project (Moustakas, 1994; Polkinghorne, 2005).
↓
A detailed description of the sample size, sample participants, their demographics, if
anyone dropped out of the study and why, and details of any other secondary data sources
used (Moustakas, 1994; Polkinghorne, 2005).
↓
A description of Moustakas’ modified van Kaam method of phenomenological research
methodology was applied to data analysis (Moustakas, 1994), any changes to the outlined
process, and any challenges during the data collection process.
↓
For the presentation of data and results of analysis, Moustakas (1994) indicates that
verbatim examples need to be supplied for each of the steps in the method indicated
above (such as horizonalization, determining invariant constituents to identify core
themes, textural descriptions, structural descriptions using imaginative variation, texturalstructural descriptions for each participant with invariant constituents and core themes
identified, and finally a composite of all of the themes of the participants to determine an
overall essence of this phenomenon of anxiously attached, adult, heterosexual, women in
adult romantic relationships. Each and every stage will be clearly identified with specific
examples included from the data (Moustakas, 1994).
↓
The summary of the data presentation section summarizes the answers to the research
question. Finally, the summary also includes a brief reiteration of the information in
Chapter 4. The researcher will only present the findings versus provide any interpretation
103
or make any attempts to determine meaning from the findings (Moustakas, 1994;
Polkinghorne, 2005; Wertz, 2005).
↓
Chapter 5 provides an interpretation of the results.
This section is comprised of an introduction to the chapter, summary of the
results, discussion of the results, discussion of the conclusions, limitations,
recommendations for further research or intervention, and a conclusion of the dissertation
(Moustakas, 1994; Wertz, 2005).
Figure 1. Research design diagram.
How threats were minimized with design for credibility. Capella’s
independent Methodology Review Form (MRF) Reviewer approved the study and the
research methodology and process. The researcher studied an extensive review of
articles in order to carry the interviews out with facility. Further, the researcher adhered
to Moustakas’ process specifically to carry out each stage of the research (Moustakas,
1994).
Rich data was obtained through willing and well-chosen participants (APA, 1994;
Kotov et al., 2010). Lived experiences versus opinions were requested and obtained.
Comfort and trust were created from the researcher to obtain lived experiences only
(Husserl, 1931 in Moustakas, 1994; Moustakas, 1994; van Kaam, 1959). Body language
of the participants was noted when they were stating certain things, and checked for
congruency (Moustakas, 1994; Polkinghorne, 2005; Wertz, 2005). When the reported
lived experiences were variant constituents, they were extracted from the findings, after it
was determined that it was not information that added to the richness of the study, and
was not related to researcher bias (Morrow, 2005). Finally, there was no intention by the
researcher to generalize (Morrow, 2005, 2007), or to determine causality (Maxwell,
2003).
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Strengths and limitations of the research design. Strengths of the design. Due
to the many resources available to research and develop the research design process, there
were many strengths of this research design. First, due to the in-depth nature of a
phenomenological study, this study allowed for a deeper understanding of this
homogeneous group from which an emerging essence of the phenomena could be further
understood (Moustakas, 1994; van Kaam, 1959). Second, Moustakas’ transcendental
phenomenological reduction using the modified Van Kaam method research
methodology was followed in detail (Moustakas, 1994; van Kaam, 1959), which is
credible and recognized in the field of qualitative research. Third, the process for finding
and screening participants provided a homogeneous group from which in-depth
understanding emerged (Moustakas, 1994; Polkinghorne, 2005). Fourth, the
understanding of what the anxious attachment style is, and the researcher’s first hand
professional knowledge and experience with it assisted in identifying and exploring the
subject, albeit in a state of epoche (Moustakas, 1994; Polkinghorne, 2005). Fifth, data
collection was thoroughly thought through and there was a clear, recipe-like process to
follow (Moustakas, 1994). Sixth, data analysis followed the already proven Moustakas’
transcendental reduction using the modified van Kaam method, which is extremely
detailed and the steps are very clear (Moustakas, 1994; van Kaam, 1959).
Design flaw limitations. The design flaw limitations that could have impacted
the credibility of this study are as follows. First, a possible limitation of the design was
the process by which anxiously attached adults were confirmed as such. The Adult
Attachment Interview (AAI; Main, 1996) was not used, as this would have been
impractical. The rationale is as follows.
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The one hour interview using the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI) reflects the
state of mind of the adults being asked about their early caregiving experiences, using
specific memories, as they relate to loss, separation, rejection, and trauma, and
expectations about raising their own children. Transcripts are coded and scored by
trained individuals of their impressions of the participant’s descriptions as well as the
coherence of the descriptions (Roisman, Fraley, & Belsky, 2007).
Numerous studies have been conducted on the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI)
that found it to be reliable in general, and across cultures (Bakermans-Kranenburg & van
IJzendoorn, 2009; Dykas & Cassidy, 2011; van IJzendoorn & Bakersmans-Kranenburg,
1996). However, after extensive evaluation of the Main’s Adult Attachment Interview
(AAI), Bakermans-Kranenburg and van IJzendoorn (2009) suggest that a more
continuous evaluation of adult attachment versus categorical rating would be useful.
Importantly, the use of the AAI form would have been time consuming,
expensive, and may have deterred potential participants as the nature of the AAI
interview was that they would have been asked about their perceptions of their parents
(Main, 1996), and they were not even necessarily going to be accepted for the study.
Instead, there was reliance on other professionals to refer potential participants whom
they thought had the characteristics of anxiously attached adults, and these participants
were further screened by the researcher. Also, due to the expertise of the researcher on
the topic, the researcher knew by the end of the interview if the participant was anxiously
attached.
Further, if the AAI would have been used, and the focus of this instrument is on
asking participants about their parents, the participants may have biased the study by
106
assuming the researcher wanted to hear about their parents, and in fact, they were never
asked about parents despite that they did discuss them.
Further, this researcher hears clients describe their parents in an earned securely
attached manner, with objectivity, coherence, and a typically more negative description
(Main, 1996), but the clients still display an insecurely attached style through their
romantic cognitions, perceptions, and behaviors (either as anxiously or avoidantly
attached; Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). Also, Main’s
approach requires trained coders and clinicians (Dykas & Cassidy, 2011; Main, 1996),
which on the one hand would maintain the integrity of determining attachment style
through highly trained individuals, but on the other hand limits determining attachment
style by those trained individuals. In addition, some individuals display dismissive
attachment with family, friends, or in other relationships, but may have an anxiously
attached style with a romantic partner (Alexandrov et al., 2005). This could be indicative
of the over focus on romantic relationships of the anxiously attached style with the
neglect of other relationships as a result (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991; Hazan &
Shaver, 1987). Alternatively, it could illustrate what Bartholomew and Horowitz
acknowledged in their research: that each style is on a continuum but there are enough
similar qualities amongst the styles that they do fit into a particular quadrant
(Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991). Finally, Alexandrov et al. (2005) have pointed out
that individuals must consider their cognitions, perceptions, and behaviors in romantic
relationships in order to determine their attachment style, and this researcher believes this
to be very true. It is erroneous to assume that individuals behave consistently with all
individuals, as those with anxious or dismissive attachment styles will get hyperactivated
107
or deactivated accordingly depending on the systemic triggers in the romantic
relationship (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). While this section describes determining
attachment style as an inconsistency in the literature, the following section describes
strengths and weaknesses regarding content and methodology.
Instead, the researcher effectively screened participants, and the researcher knew
by the end of the interview if the participant was anxiously attached. Further, due to the
process of data analysis, if the collected data did not fit into clusters and themes that
emerged, it was discarded (Moustakas, 1994). The researcher contacted the Participant
Advocate after she screened the first potential participant, as there was question regarding
if she had an Axis II diagnosis. Her data was ultimately not used, and this is discussed in
Chapter 4.
Second, despite efforts for the researcher to engage in epoche, it was not totally
possible to do so at all times. It was incumbent upon the researcher to engage in epoche
as much as was possible by noting her own experiences, knowledge from literature
reviews, and personal biases (Husserl, 1931 in Moustakas, 1994; Merleau-Ponty, 1962;
Moustakas, 1994). However, by following the Moustakas (1994) data analysis model, it
assisted in remaining as objective as possible.
Third, participant bias was addressed in this phenomenological study by also
considering and presenting data from participants that was not commonly held or
experienced by other participants (Polkinghorne, 2005). Fourth, another limitation was
whether the participants told the truth about their lived experiences (Polkinghorne, 2005).
The data collection process allowed the researcher to position to the participants that their
own lived experiences were of interest, and the nonjudgmental and open approach of the
108
researcher hopefully facilitated this (Moustakas, 1994). Likewise, participants may have
told the truth as they knew it, but their truth was likely limited by their conscious
awareness of themselves and the information, and their ability to recall it without being
filtered through their schemata or other limitations. A further limitation might have been
their ability to find words that could accurately convey the actual experiences as they
existed (Polkinghorne, 2005). Further, the data analysis process called for determining
emergent themes; if data that was provided by participants did not fit, bearing in mind
participant bias through considering uncommon experiences, it was sifted through this
process (Moustakas, 1994).
In following sections of this chapter, the target population and participant
selection, procedures, measures, and data analysis will be discussed in detail.
Target Population and Participant Selection
This section discusses the target population and participant selection process for
this study.
The Population
The general population for this study was heterosexual women who may
experience the phenomenon of anxious attachment while in adult romantic relationships.
The population is the data itself for the secondary data. Due to a purposive, criterion
sample (Polkinghorne, 2005), the specific population was anxiously attached,
heterosexual women who may be able to relate to the findings of this study.
Characteristics of the population. The following indicates a few characteristics
that are illustrated in the literature review from Chapter 2.
109
x
A conscious or unconscious disruption in secure parenting from their
caregivers that has resulted in an anxious attachment style (Ainsworth &
Bowlby, 1991; Bowlby, 1969; Main, 1996).
x
They want to find (or did want to find, if they already are in a relationship)
and maintain a positive romantic connection (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991;
Cassidy & Berlin, 1994; Main, 1996).
x
They may have experienced in the past or currently, much unhappiness in
romantic relationships (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Dinero et al., 2008).
x
Their partner selection is typically with other insecure styles (Alexandrov et
al., 2005), most often with avoidantly attached styles, and typically
dismissively-avoidant (Klohnen & Luo, 2003)
x
They often find that their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are misunderstood
by their avoidantly attached partners in romantic relationships (Land et al.,
2010).
x
Their behavior can be or appear to be very clingy, needy, controlling, require
excessive amounts of reassurance, and be overly focused on the romantic
relationship, and the barometer of felt security in the relationship, which
ranges from secure to insecure depending on what is taking place in the
relationship (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
x
They can require (sometimes excessive) reassurance that they are loved, and
that the relationship will endure despite a lack of evidence that it is ending,
and partner reassurance (Fraley et al., 2006).
x
They pursue the avoidantly attached partner in attempts to feel loved and
connected, and the avoidantly attached partner pursues goals to feel
independent and to avoid intimacy with their partner (Connors, 1997).
x
They are often hyperactivated by perceived threats to relationship stability,
which results in proximity seeking, and hypervigilance when relating to their
partner, such as vigilance to shifts in facial expressions of their partners and
preoccupation with the relationship (Saavedra et al., 2010).
x
They have feelings of ambivalence towards their partner when relationship
threats occur and when the partner shows interest again (Mikulincer et al.,
2009).
x
They experience increased conflict due to more frequent and intense
emotional triggers (Brassard et al., 2009), potentially more hostile conflict due
to hyperactivation of attachment anxiety of the anxiously attached partner
(Saavedra et al., 2010), more misinterpretation of the partner’s behavior
110
(Mikulincer et al., 2009), less effective communication, less mature relating,
and overall decreased happiness, especially for the anxiously attached partner
(Alexandrov et al., 2005; Dinero et al., 2008), and especially further for
anxiously attached individuals with high conflict behavior (Saavedra et al.,
2010).
x
They experience frequent disappointment from the relationship, conflicts feel
worse than they may with other styles, and conflict resolution is often not as
effective as it can be, partially due to less effective communication skills
being employed during arguments (Dinero et al., 2008).
x
Their expression of needs in the relationship is also not as effective as it can
be (Mikulincer et al., 2009).
x
They have a negative view of self, a high dependency on others, and a positive
view and low avoidance of others (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991).
x
They report the lowest relationship satisfaction in relationships (Brassard et
al., 2009; Dinero et al., 2008).
The sampling frame. The sampling frame to determine sources for the
purposive sample (Morrow, 2005) included referrals from other therapists with anxiously
attached adult, female, clients, referrals from previous and current clients, and
respondents from social networking sites, and advertisements in professional mailers and
magazines as well as a local health magazine. These will be discussed later on in this
section.
The Sample
The following describes the sample characteristics, including demographics and
inclusion and exclusion criteria. The most critical aspect of the sample is that they had
actually experienced the phenomenon (Polkinghorne, 2005).
The sample characteristics. The sample characteristics were the same as the
population characteristics with the following designated demographics and inclusion and
exclusion criteria.
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The demographics. The demographics of the purposive, criteria sample
(Polkinghorne, 2005) were heterosexual women between the ages of 25 and 65, with an
anxious attachment style who were willing to describe their lived experiences in romantic
relationships. Their income levels were in a range of lower middle class to upper middle
class socioeconomic status. Whether they had children or not and their current
relationship status was not relevant. All of this information was indicated on a personal
information form, where the participants checked off the answers to these demographics,
or filled in the blanks.
Inclusion criteria. Inclusion criteria were adult, heterosexual women in the age
range of 25 to 65, with an anxious attachment style. The terms for this study were all
defined in Chapter 1. These included the lived experience, adult attachment, anxious
attachment style; heterosexual, women, and romantic relationships.
A brief description of anxious attachment styles was written from the literature
review and from Hazan and Shaver’s definition, and appeared in the letters that were sent
out by e-mail. The following description was used in the recruitment material.
Anxious attachment: this includes an over focus on romantic relationships.
They want to be close their partner. They are concerned about the relationship
ending, or the partner losing interest. They are likely to answer “yes” to the
following statement:
I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry
that my partner doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me. I want to
merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people
away (Hazan & Shaver, 1987, para 23).
Moustakas (1994) indicated that the potential participants must have keen interest
in sharing their lived experiences on the phenomenon, be willing to engage in a lengthy
interview, be willing to be tape recorded and have their confidential data written in a
dissertation.
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Women who were referred by therapy professionals were already assumed by
them to meet the anxious attachment criteria, and the delimiters. The researcher
confirmed all of this through the screening process. All other potential participants, and
those who self-referred, or who responded to an advertisement, were screened for the
criteria and delimiters by the researcher. Diagnosis was not made nor communicated to
potential participants, but they were screened for the anxious attachment criteria and the
delimiters, as indicated (Hamilton & Bowers, 2006). Once participants met this first
level of qualification, the researcher was also aware of the criteria and delimiters as the
interviews were taking place.
Exclusion criteria/delimiters. This study specifically had delimitations of an
Axis II diagnoses, any psychotic disorders, no current substance abuse issues, and not
pregnant (APA, 1994). The researcher was interested in learning about the lived, indepth experiences of mainstream, non-psychiatric clients, and a homogenous population
of anxiously attached, heterosexual women to potentially find emergent themes from the
study.
These delimiters/exclusion criteria were confirmed by asking the potential
participants if they had received a current or previous diagnosis, or by the researcher
screening them through asking questions about the criteria based on a list of symptoms
from the DSM-IV manual (APA, 1994). Further, they were specifically asked if they
were pregnant. Further details are provided under participant selection.
The sample size. The researcher was aware that the general range for a
phenomenological study is usually quite small (Morrow, 2007; Ponterotto, 2005),
typically around 8 to 14 participants, or until data saturation occurs (Gelo et al., 2008;
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Morrow, 2007; Moustakas, 1994). The researcher was also sentient that if saturation was
reached sooner (Gelo et al., 2008; Morrow, 2007), whereby no new information was
emerging, then the interviews would stop sooner than 8, or if new information continued
to emerge, more participants will be interviewed until the interviews were determined to
be somewhat repetitive for two more interviews (Wertz, 2005). From this information,
the researcher stopped at 12 interviews, resulting in usable data of 10 participants,
knowing that the data of two previous participants interviewed did not meet the inclusion
and exclusion criteria. This is further discussed in Chapter 4.
Rationale for purposive, criterion sampling. The rationale for a purposive,
criterion sampling procedure (Polkinghorne, 2005) was to have a homogeneous sample of
participants who had enough experience with the subject matter using the
phenomenological methodology and who could provide descriptions of the richness of
their experience, and which allowed themes to emerge (Husserl, 1931 in Hein & Austin,
2001; Moustakas, 1994; van Kaam, 1959).
Procedures
This section will discuss how the researcher implemented sampling procedures,
and obtained participants for the study.
Sampling Procedures/Methods of Sampling
Participant recruitment. The following paragraphs discuss how the
homogeneous, purposive, criteria sample (Polkinghorne, 2005) was uniquely obtained
(Morrow, 2005). There are a number of sources that were contacted for this study. The
predominant focus was on therapy professionals who ideally would have been able to
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identify and refer clients or patients who fit the criteria and who would have understood
and been able to discern the delimiters. Further, the intention was that the professionals
could also have used word of mouth to tell other professionals or potential participants
about the study (East et al., 2006). The secondary focus was on past and current clients
as a referral source for actual participants (Stahl et al., 2009). Tertiary sources included
other professionals (such as dentists and other doctors who worked in the same
professional office building as the researcher) (Fields, Malebranche, & Feist-Price, 2008),
advertisements (Chang & Berk, 2009; Chuick et al., 2009), and social networking sites
(Chang & Berk, 2009; Sherry, Adelman, Whilde, & Quick, 2010). These sources were
intended to be contacted more than once, and this was going to take place until enough
participants for data saturation occurred (Gelo et al., 2008; Morrow, 2007). The
researcher has numerous colleagues and was hopeful that they would have been
forthcoming about making referrals to the study.
Once referrals were obtained from the various types of participant recruitment, the
section called “Participant Selection” below indicates the next steps that the researcher
followed.
Therapy professionals. A letter for professionals (trained at a master’s level, or
above, in psychology or counseling) was developed describing the study, the purpose, a
request for referrals, including the criteria of an anxious attachment style and the
delimiters. Confidentiality was stressed. Benefits cited were that it might add to the
existing knowledge base on attachment theory (Moustakas, 1994), and participants might
benefit from discussing their lived experiences, and this might be useful in sessions with
the therapist, including the transcripts that participants would receive. It was stated that
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no interventions would be made and the intention of the interview was not to be
therapeutic (Polkinghorne, 2005). All letters were ultimately sent through e-mail.
Two categories of these professionals existed for the researcher: those whom she
knew through various professional affiliations, and those whom she did not know but
may access through advertisements in professional sites, websites, or word of mouth
(Camic, 2010; East et al., 2006). There were not any responses from these efforts. One
participant referral was obtained from a long term colleague of the researcher.
Various on-line searches for therapists, couples therapists, counselors,
psychologists, and psychoanalysts were also contacted, such as those who advertised online through therapist referral sites. This was labor intensive and did not obtain
participant referrals.
An e-mail was sent by an agency to applicable clients on behalf of the research
study, and interested participants could contact the researcher. This did occur for this
study and the organization will remain unnamed to protect confidentiality of the three
participants who self-referred through this means.
Ultimately after numerous contacts to these various therapist venues, the
researcher phoned attachment therapists listed in the Emotionally Focused Therapy
Toronto Directory. From this, ultimately 3 participants were obtained.
Advertisements to therapy professionals. An advertisement was placed in a
professional on-line venue of which the researcher is a member, with the intention that
therapy professionals would refer participants to the study (Camic, 2010). No
participants were obtained through this venue. However, the researcher did receive
questions about her study, and queries if she was following protocols.
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Other professionals, such as psychologists, medical doctors who are
psychiatrists or general practitioners who do psychotherapy) and other professionals
such as naturopathic doctors and dentists. The same strategy as indicated above for
therapy professionals was used for this group of professionals, but they did not know the
researcher. Letters to these professionals were delivered to their office with an
opportunity to describe the study to reception personnel and/or by following up with email by obtaining e-mail addresses at the time of introduction with the hope of obtaining
referrals to the study (Paul, Berger, Blyth, & Frith, 2010). This was similar to
distributing flyers to specific sources, as was done by (Fields et al., 2008). From these
sources, potential participants were to contact the researcher by e-mail or telephone, and
there was no outcome from those efforts.
Past, current, and potential clients. A letter for laypersons was developed
describing the study, the purpose of it, the basics of attachment theory, why it is relevant,
and the request to be referred participants, including the criteria of anxious attachment
styles. The letter was very similar to the one described above in the “Therapy
Professionals” section, but was written in layperson’s language. For example, Stahl et al.
(2009) sent letters to various doctoral students to ask for referrals to their study and
obtained participants in this manner. Further, Levitzki (2009) relied on word of mouth
for part of the recruitment process of their study.
This letter was sent via e-mail. The researcher was surprised that no participants
were obtained through past or current clients as she receives many referrals to her
practice as a therapist. Ultimately, two participants were obtained (and an additional one
who did not follow through) through this e-mail means that the researcher had never met,
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as these individuals had responded to advertisements the researcher placed in the
magazine indicated below about attending free information evenings on being single and
the desire to find the right mate.
Advertisements to laypersons. A word advertisement was placed in a healthoriented magazine that focuses on wellness with the layperson information indicated
above, requesting participants. For example, in a study Chuick et al. (2009) placed
advertisements in a local hospital newsletter to obtain potential participants. In another
study Chang and Berk (2009) placed advertisements in local newspapers. One
participant was obtained through this method, and that participant referred another
participant.
Social networking sites. The researcher was not currently active on any social
networking sites prior to the study due to the awkward situation of clients who want to
become “friends” or business contacts. The researcher posted a professional, businesslike profile on two sites indicating to those who become connected a short-term
membership by the researcher for the sole purpose of recruiting for the study, and the
information above in the layperson’s section, which requested referrals to the study.
Once recruitment efforts were completed, the research information was deleted. For
example, Chang and Berk (2009) also used electronic bulletin boards to find participants
for their study. Also, in a study by Sherry et al. (2010), on-line list serves and websites
were used to recruit participants. This was not an effective means of recruiting for this
study as the researcher profiles were new and there were not an established number of
contacts.
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Participant Selection
The researcher responded to the potential participants of all sources of referrals to
the study via e-mail first, and then a phone meeting was set up to screen the participants.
During the phone screening, the researcher confirmed that the potential participant had an
anxious attachment style based on the list of criteria and delimiters. If the potential
participant did not have an anxious attachment style or had criteria or diagnosis of the
delimiters, they were thanked for their time and participation to this point in the study,
and were told that they do not meet certain criteria of the study. For example, one
potential participant did not describe herself specifically as heterosexual so the phone
screening was politely ended due to that.
For those potential participants who met the criteria and delimiters of the study,
they were sent an e-mail confirming that they met the criteria for the study, and an
interview date and time were established via e-mail. The following was established when
booking a time with the participants, and was also included in the confirmation letter that
participants were sent. Participants were asked to give ample notice if they needed to
reschedule and a phone number and e-mail address to do so, directions to the office
(including parking and subway information), and what to expect at the interview (that it
would take one hour, that they would sign a consent form to be involved in the research
study and to use the data, that they could leave the interview if they wanted to, and they
would be asked about actual relationships they have had or were currently in). The
accepted participants were asked to bring secondary data such as song lyrics, journals,
photos, or the like to the interview that reflected experiences of and feelings about actual
romantic relationship that they have been in (and were informed that it may be
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photocopied, scanned, or photographed, with their permission, if applicable, and if they
agreed). At this time, the participants could ask about the study and were advised that a
consent form would be signed when they arrived for the interview and that the interview
would be recorded (Moustakas, 1994).
Methods and Procedures for Obtaining Informed Consent and for Protecting the
Rights and Well-Being of the Participants
Informed consent. The participants were advised when they were accepted for
the study that they were going to be presented with a consent form to be signed when
they met with the researcher for the interview, and that it would be audio recorded (APA,
2002; Moustakas, 1994). This consent form was written at the eighth grade
comprehension level, and was reviewed by each the participant and the researcher as the
researcher highlighted in detail each key component of it to the participant. The
participant was then free to take as much time as needed to read and review it, and to ask
any questions before signing it (APA, 2002; Moustakas, 1994).
At the outset of the interview, the researcher briefly built rapport with the
participant, and then indicated again, in layperson’s terms, the nature and purpose of the
study, the process of the entire interview experience, the anticipated length of one hour,
the right to withdraw from the interview at any point during the interview, and if the
participant did withdraw, that their data would be destroyed by shredding paper data, and
erasing any digital data (APA, 2007; Moustakas, 1994). The researcher further explained
the right of the participant to take as much time as needed to consider the questions being
asked of them. The researcher reminded the participant that there were no financial
benefits to participating in the study, but that the participant might benefit from telling
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her lived experiences to the researcher, and this could be useful for further insight into
themselves, or in discussion with her therapist (if applicable), and that others might
benefit from the study findings. Further, the researcher explained what the limits of
confidentiality were (self harm or harm to others, disclosing abuse or neglect of children,
disclosing sexual abuse of a patient or client by a professional), and the contact
information about this research study or the researcher through Capella’s Internal Review
Board (IRB) (APA, 2002).
The informed consent form further included risks to the participant, that the
interview was confidential (within the above limits), and that the participant’s identity
would be maintained at all times (APA, 2002, 2007; Moustakas, 1994). (Confidentiality
is discussed in the following section.) An issue specifically related to informed consent
in any phenomenological study was that the researcher could not prepare the participants
for how they would feel before or after the interview, or exactly what would be discussed
in the interview, because it was a discussion about their lived experiences (Moustakas,
1994; Ponterotto, 2010; van Kaam, 1959). However, given that this was a low-risk
population, there was not concern that the participants would be at any mental or
emotional risk to themselves or others as a result of these research interviews (APA,
2002; Moustakas, 1994).
Methods and Procedures Adopted to Maintain Data Securely, Including the Length
of Time Data Will Be Kept and How it Will Be Destroyed
Confidentiality, storage of records, anonymity. Confidentiality was achieved
by assigning the participant a number. The storage of the hard copy and digital data has
been completed according to APA (2007) guidelines. This is described in detail in the
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“Data Preparation for Analysis” section. While data was being used, and when it was on
the researcher’s computer, it was password protected. Further, the researcher’s computer
was password protected (APA, 2007; Drogin et al., 2010).
Data was removed from the computer once the dissertation was approved. In
Chapters 4 and 5, the reported data findings are only by reference numbers, and identity
of participants will never be revealed. The interview data transcripts and audio data will
be kept in the secure manner indicated in the event of further studies to be completed
with it (APA, 2007).
Protecting the rights and well-being of participants. Given that a discussion of
the lived experiences took place, neither the researcher nor the participants could know
how the participants would react (Moustakas, 1994; Ponterotto, 2010). However, all of
the potential participants were treated with justice (equity; APA, 2002). Due to the
nature of the phenomenological study, the subject matter, the identified delimiters, and
that no pregnant women were interviewed, this was a study deemed as minimal risk
(APA, 2002) and no issues arose in the study. The design of the research provided for
care and caution of ethical issues in carrying out research.
Further, no potential participant’s were coerced to join the study, nor was an
actual participant coerced to remain in the interview (none chose to terminate it while in
progress). Further, no potential or actual participant received compensation at any point
in this study. All participants received a list of private and public mental health
resources. All participants were treated with fairness and respect before, during, and after
the interview process. No past or current clients were allowed to participate in the study
(APA, 2002).
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The beneficence of the participant (minimized risk) was of utmost concern. There
was no perceived risk to the potential or actual participants at any stage as the research
process ensued, or they would have been protected from harm (APA, 2002) by
discontinuing the process, or by providing appropriate direction to resources, such as a
list of clinicians, or mental health or community resources (Moustakas, 1994). Further,
beneficence to the participant was maintained through a compassionate approach by the
researcher, the use of layperson’s language, and meeting in the researcher’s office.
Respect for the actual and potential participants, including their confidentiality
and privacy was and will continue to be handled with paramount care. Participants were
interviewed in the researcher’s therapy office, and were not identified as research
participants. Participants were not discussed with anyone other than the Participant
Advocate and the dissertation mentor, and data was coded and stored for ongoing
confidentiality (APA, 2002, 2007).
Justice and equity were maintained by not coercing any participant through
payment of monetary or other means, and all potential and actual participants were
treated in the same respectful manner (APA, 2002). Further, it was clear what the general
information to be elicited from participants pertained to, and this was not changed during
the interview or research process.
An unlikely ethical concern that may have arisen but did not (APA, 2002;
Moustakas, 1994) was that while this is a typically low-risk population, discussing
emotionally upsetting relationship issues, may have caused more emotional triggering in
some participants than anticipated. Those participants who were referred by therapists
could have consulted with them.
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Methods and Procedures for Data Collection, Including How Data Was Organized
and Prepared For Analysis
Instruments. Data collection instruments. The following data collection
instruments were necessary for this phenomenological study. Since much of the
interview was spontaneous (Moustakas, 1994), and the researcher explored the subject indepth with the participants, the following instruments facilitated this, in order: the
researcher, an interview guide which included the main interview question and probing
questions, two digital audio recording devices, rechargeable batteries, note pads and pens,
file folders. Ultimately, two participants chose to mail copies of their secondary data to
the researcher, and one participant e-mailed a copy of this data to the researcher.
The researcher. The researcher played a critical role in conducting the
phenomenological interviews and in observing the participants throughout the interview
process (Husserl, 1931 in Moustakas, 1994; Moustakas, 1994; van Kaam, 1959). The
researcher was a reliable instrument for the research study because of the time taken to
learn how to conduct phenomenological interviews, and an understanding of the
psychoanalytic approach to do this (Polkinghorne, 2005). Further, the researcher was
able to build trust and rapport, and asked probing questions, when necessary, with the
participants, as she does this regularly with new clients and has done so for many years,
as a therapist.
Interview question. The interview question that was first asked of the
participants was “Can you please describe what it has actually been like for you to be in
romantic relationships?” (Moustakas, 1994).
While a psychoanalytic approach to the interview was taken, as described below
(Polkinghorne, 2005), a general interview guide with other potential questions based on
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the literature review that prompted the participants was also used a few times by
researcher (Husserl, 1931 in Moustakas, 1994; Moustakas, 1994; van Kaam, 1959). A
sample of this appears in Appendix B.
The research question was a reliable instrument, as it was approved by the
dissertation mentor, and the department chair. Further, it was established based on in
depth studies of qualitative processes (Moustakas, 1994). It was the researcher’s
experience as a psychotherapist that for anxiously attached women, the opportunity to
speak about their lived experiences in romantic relationships was often a very welcome
platform. The rapport with the researcher and the simplicity of the research question
allowed them to do this with ease.
Role of the Researcher
This section will discuss the actual role of the researcher with participants who
were interviewed, the qualifications of the researcher by experience, training, and
supervision, and the resources that were obtained to attain the necessary skills to conduct
research with the participants.
The researcher’s process with participants. The role of the researcher as an
instrument in data collection for this phenomenological study was a critical one (Hein
&Austin, 2001). van Kaam’s method emphasized that the data and themes would emerge
from the participants as long as the researcher’s style could provide the basis for this
(Moustakas, 1994; Polkinghorne, 2005; van Kaam, 1959). This involved suspending any
preconceived notions about the topic and not trying to find out causes for why the
participants’ lived experiences were what they were (Hein & Austin, 2001; MerleauPonty, 1962; Moustakas, 1994).
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The actual steps that took place when the participants arrived for the interview are
described in the section titled How data was collected.
Methods that decreased researcher bias. In a constructivist/interpretivist
research study such as this one, researcher bias was embraced as a part of that process
(Morrow, 2005). However, the researcher used epoche to bracket preconceived ideas
about the topic (Husserl, 1931 in Moustakas, 1994; Moustakas, 1994), used rigor to
conduct the study (Morrow, 2005; Porter, 2007; Rolfe, 2006), followed the research
methodology (Moustakas, 1994; Roth & Mehta, 2002) and was openly aware of and
indicated biases, all of which were helpful to reduce researcher bias (Morrow, 2005).
Rationale for data collection methods. The rationale for the data collection
methods and instruments for this phenomenological study were as follows. Digitally
recorded, personal interviews allowed for the analysis of the flowing, in-depth report of
their subjective experiences on this specific topic, which is the essence of
phenomenological studies (Hein & Austin, 2001; Polkinghorne, 2005; Ponterotto, 2005;
Wertz, 2005). Salient notes of observations were taken during and after the interview,
and then recorded on the digital recorders, transcribed, and referred back to during data
analysis to note congruency of responses (Polkinghorne, 2005). The researcher reviewed
the transcripts in-depth, multiple times, during data analysis, and referred to transcribed
notes made during the interviews (Moustakas, 1994). Obtaining secondary data was a
means to access data that the participant may not have been comfortable discussing, or
may not have thought of discussing (Chwalisz et al., 2008; Hein & Austin, 2001;
Moustakas, 1994; Yeh & Inman, 2007), and was also a form of verifying what the
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participants said in the interview, which was data triangulation (Morrow, 2005; Yeh &
Inman, 2007).
Researcher qualifications by experience, training, and supervision and
efforts made to obtain the necessary skills. The following are the data collection
methods that were used in this study, and the associated background and experience of
the researcher for each item.
The researcher did not have any previous formal research training to interview or
observe research participants, or to review secondary data. However, her twenty years of
experience as a psychotherapist did provide experience in building rapport, discussing
topics in depth, and noting congruency of body language. For all types of data, resources
for the phenomenological interviews included the Moustakas (1994) book, including the
review of numerous transcripts. Further, numerous other scholarly articles on type of
data were reviewed in depth.
Interview of each participant. There was a focus on listening effectively, and
probing further to understand the essence of what the participants described (Moustakas,
1994; Polkinghorne, 2005; van Kaam, 1959; Wertz, 2005).
The researcher did not lead, interact, or direct the participant, but openly listened
and allowed for the participants to share their actual experiences. A constructivistinterpretivist approach was still maintained, including a non-judgmental manner, which
was more interactive with the participant and allowed the participants to describe any
aspect of the phenomenon that they wanted to (Nielsen, 2007; Polkinghorne, 2005; Shaw
& Hector, 2010; Thomas, 2003; Yakushko, 2010), versus opinions (van Kaam, 1959) and
kept the participant on topic (Moustakas, 1994). Further, the researcher continually
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probed to clarify meanings of the language used and how participants phrased various
responses, based on what they just said, and did not assume to know the meanings of
those (Chang & Berk, 2009; Polkinghorne, 2005), and did not obtain more cognitively
based thoughts, such as asking “why” (Shaw & Hector, 2010). This assisted to elicit the
lived experiences, and went beyond everyday meaning of the experiences (Moustakas,
1994; Nielsen, 2007; van Kaam, 1959). A list of potential follow up questions were used
in a couple of the interviews (see Appendix B; Wertz, 2005).
Observations of participants in the interviews. The most essential aspect of the
phenomenological interviews was the actual, lived experience of the participants
(Moustakas, 1994; van Kaam, 1959). The researcher was aware of being in a state of
observation that resulted in the credibility of the findings. The researcher noted body
language and congruence of responses or lack thereof. This included meaningful
gestures or emotions, facial expressions, and what the participants were wearing, so that
this information was not lost during the recording of interviews. Further, the researcher
made observations during the interviews that contributed to the clarity and satiation of
what the participants described (Polkinghorne, 2005). These observations were recorded
(on a form that was developed by the researcher) during and directly after each interview.
Secondary data review. Upon review of scholarly articles, there was some
guidance for using these sources of data, which included that the researcher took a
respectful and interested approach toward the secondary data by interacting with the
participant about it to maintain rapport so that a deeper understanding of the meaning of
it was elicited (Leech & Onwuegbuzie, 2008; Yoshikawa et al., 2008). While reviewing
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scholarly articles on analyzing secondary data was helpful, the Moustakas data analysis
approach using the modified van Kaam method (1994) was used for this data.
Research Question
The research question (Creswell et al., 2007) that this study addressed was “What
is the lived experience of anxiously attached, adult, heterosexual women while in
relationships?” (Moustakas, 1994).
The interview question that was asked of participants was “Can you please tell me
about your actual experiences in romantic relationships?”
The intention of this research was to provide an in depth understanding of the
actual lived experiences of anxiously attached, adult, heterosexual women so that an
overall synthesis of “meaning and essences” was determined (Husserl, 1931 in
Moustakas, 1994; Moustakas, 1994, p. 121; van Kaam, 1959).
Data Collection and Data Analyses
How Data Was Collected
The following section discusses exactly how data was collected for this
phenomenological study.
How data was collected. After an agreed upon interview date and time the
participant was sent logistics to get to the researcher’s private therapy office by e-mail.
Interview preparation. First, the researcher prepared for the interview by
reviewing the overall purpose of the study, the research question, and probing questions
(Moustakas, 1994). The data collection resources, including the two digital audio
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recording devices were checked to ensure that they were working. Paper and pens were
available for the researcher and the participant.
Rapport, informed consent, demographics, and logistics. When the participant
arrived, the researcher built rapport (Moustakas, 1994; Osborne, 1994; van Kaam, 1959)
and reviewed the purpose of the study with the participant. The consent forms were
signed, after reviewing them in detail. The participant also briefly filled out the
demographic information. The participant was again reminded that she was free to stop
the interview at any time, or to take washroom breaks, as needed.
List of professional resources. At this time, the participant was provided with a
list of resources including individual therapists or community organizations that they
could contact if they wished to process information from the interview, or if they were in
an upset state. This included advising them to go to a hospital if it felt like an emergency
(APA, 2002).
Digital recorders. The participant was reminded that the interview was being
digitally audio recorded for the purpose that the interview would be transcribed to ensure
accuracy of what was said, and that the researcher would be occasionally making brief
notes, and that these notes were salient to the research project. The participant was told
that there are two digital audio recorders in case one does not work, and was asked to
speak clearly and naturally. The microphones were attached to the lapel or collar of the
participant’s shirt. The participant was asked to stay on her train of thought even if the
researcher was writing (Polkinghorne, 2005).
Focus on actual experiences. The participant was informed that since this was a
research interview, the focus was going to be on the participant’s descriptions of their
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actual experiences in reference to the actual research question, not opinions or
interventions by the researcher (Moustakas, 1994; van Kaam, 1959). The participant was
advised that the researcher was mostly going to ask questions and not react and interact
with them about what they are saying, and to please keep focused on what they are saying
(Polkinghorne, 2005). The researcher also suggested that the participant take a few
moments to begin to focus on her thoughts on the topic of her relationships in preparation
for the interview (Moustakas, 1994) and to focus on her experiences, versus what she
thought the researcher may have wanted to hear (Osborne, 1994).
Describe as if experiencing phenomenon for the first time. The researcher asked
the participant to imagine that she was experiencing what she was telling the researcher
for the very first time, and the researcher went into a state of epoche (Moustakas, 1994).
The researcher turned on both audio recorders and stated the code number for the
participant, the date and time of the interview. The participant indicated that she had
consented to the interview and that she was aware that she could stop the interview at any
time for a break or could completely stop (APA, 2002; Moustakas, 1994).
Interview question asked. The interview began with the researcher asking the
open-ended question “Can you please describe what it has actually been like for you to be
in romantic relationships?” (Moustakas, 1994). The participant then began to discuss
this topic freely (Moustakas, 1994; Wertz, 2005) with prompts and probing questions, if
necessary, by the researcher, based on what the participant was saying (Polkinghorne,
2005). Examples of potential probing questions appear in Appendix B. However,
probing questions related to what the participant said in keeping with the psychoanalytic
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interviewing approach (Polkinghorne, 2005) and to further explore in depth what they
said to describe their lived experiences (Moustakas, 1994; van Kaam, 1959).
Actual experiences elicited. van Kaam (1959) called this process explication,
whereby the participants actually brought into consciousness their subjective experiences
that might otherwise have been vague notions, and described these. The researcher asked
about past versus current experiences as a technique to elicit the in depth meaning and
understanding of experiences of the participants. While these may or may not have been
accurately recalled, the value of the elicited memories was that they allowed the
participant to express the meaning of the events to them (Polkinghorne, 2005).
Brief notes and observations during interviews. During the interview, the
researcher made notes on salient points on key information that the participant described,
and on noteworthy observations of body language congruencies or discrepancies, and
other observations (Polkinghorne, 2005).
Discussion of secondary data, if applicable. Near the end of the interview or at
an appropriate time based on what the participant was saying, the researcher asked the
participant if they brought various secondary data that they wished to share that further
reflected their lived experiences of being in romantic relationships (Moustakas, 1994;
Polkinghorne, 2005). For the three participants who did bring secondary data, the
interviewer obtained copies from the participants after the interviews by e-mail or mail,
and continued to record the participant’s comments about this data (Moustakas, 1994;
Polkinghorne, 2005).
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Closing of the interview. As the interview appeared to be drawing to a close, the
researcher asked the participant what they had not yet said or not yet been asked that
seemed important to this topic (Patton, 2002).
The researcher was aware of the one hour timeframe for the interview, so noting
that or in a couple of the interviews when it seems that enough information had been
gathered from the particular participant, the researcher thanked the participant for their
time and invaluable contribution to the study (Moustakas, 1994). The participant was
asked what the experience of the interview was like for them, which aided in determining
if there was distress experienced (APA, 2002), and if there were aspects of the interview
that could be improved upon.
Logistics of next steps. The researcher advised participants that they would
receive the transcripts for review in a password protected file by e-mail (or if the
participant preferred by mail, then they would be sent in that manner, as was the case
with two participants, with a self-addressed envelope, including appropriate postage).
They were asked to review the transcripts within a timely manner (ideally within one
week, if possible), and to send the corrected transcript back (Moustakas, 1994), if
necessary, through the password protected e-mail file (or through the mail, if preferred, or
if more appropriate to the participant; APA, 2007).
None of the participants reported distress, but some who did not have therapists
said they would contact individuals on the list that they were provided. The interview
ended in a friendly manner and the researcher expressed appreciation for the participants’
time and effort. The interview then ended without further discussion.
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Since it is clear how data collection took place, how the data was prepared for
analysis will now be detailed.
Data Preparation for Analysis
The following describes how data was prepared for analysis for each of the data
collection methods indicated: interviews, observation, and secondary data.
Assigned numerical codes, storage, and destroying data. Each participant was
assigned a numerical code and the type of data for each participant was coded by the
name of data and number. For example, the first person interviewed was given the
numerical code of 1 (interview), 1 (observation), and 1 (types of secondary data
specifically named). The legend of the participant’s names and codes has been stored in
a separate area of a locked filing cabinet in the researchers’ home office.
A set of each participant’s printed data, and all of this data was also saved to a
disk, has also be stored in a separate area of the locked filing cabinet in the researcher’s
home office. No other individuals have access to this locked filing cabinet. All data on
the researcher’s computer was password protected, and the computer was also password
protected (APA, 2007).
Data will be stored for seven years, and written or printed data will be destroyed
through a shredder, and digital data and disks will be destroyed through ensuring the
disks are physically destroyed and the storage area is completely wiped clean by a trusted
computer professional or through software (APA, 2007).
How data was prepared for analysis. The following describes how the various
forms of data were prepared for analysis.
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Interviews of each participant. The digitally recorded audio data for each
interview was first downloaded onto the researcher’s computer.
Observations of participants in the interviews. The data was prepared for
analysis by the researcher as the handwritten notes from the interviews were recorded
into the audio recorders, and any verbal notes were added through the digital recording
after the interview.
Review of secondary data: diaries, journals. The data was prepared for analysis
by downloading the digitally recorded audio data for each participant’s discussion of the
secondary data into the participant’s file. Hard copies were also in the participant’s files
and these were reviewed during data analysis.
The digitally recorded information for each participant for each of these three
types of data was downloaded to the transcription service, and then transcribed
(Moustakas, 1994; Polkinghorne, 2005; Wertz, 2005). The transcribed data was
encrypted with a password when it was sent back to the researcher from this service, and
then was saved with a password unique to each participant.
The transcribed interview was then checked for accuracy by the researcher (line
by line) (Moustakas, 1994). Further, the researcher removed any identifying data and put
information in parenthesis, such as “[name of first boyfriend]” or “[name of university]”.
The transcripts for this and all of the data collection methods described following
were sent to the participant with a thank you letter (by password protected e-mail,
whenever possible, or by mail) which was a modified version of the letter used by
Moustakas (1994).
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The participants also checked the transcripts for this type of data collected, and all
stated types of data collection in following paragraphs (except for researcher
observations) for accuracy, and any necessary changes to the transcripts were made and
returned to the researcher by e-mail or mail (Moustakas, 1994). Then, three sets of
copies of each type of data collected were made: a master copy, primary working copy,
and secondary working copy. These were securely stored according to Capella and APA
guidelines in the researcher’s home office and work office. At the appropriate time, this
data will also be destroyed according to APA guidelines (APA, 2007).
Now that it is clear how data was prepared, data analysis will be discussed.
Methods and Procedures for Data Analysis
Data analysis. Data analysis was conducted by implementing the Moustakas’
transcendental phenomenological reduction methodology, using the modified Van Kaam
method (Moustakas, 1994). The researcher and the participant had both checked the data
for accuracy at this point in the process (Moustakas, 1994).
The following process was completed for each type of data, including participant
interviews, observational data, and secondary data. A final synthesis of all of the types of
data to find themes and meaning from the data, and a final analysis of the conglomeration
of all of the analyses of all of data indicated in this paragraph was completed (Moustakas,
1994).
As data analysis took place, the researcher was extremely aware of
Polkinghorne’s caution about data analysis: that participants have shared their lived, in
depth experiences, and the researcher must ensure that the analysis of this data truly
reflects the participant’s perspectives, and this requires truthfulness and veracity from the
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researcher (2005). Morrow (2005) recommended immersing in the data with multiple
readings and reviews of it for accurate interpretation and trustworthy results, which the
researcher carried out.
Moustakas’ transcendental phenomenological reduction methodology, using
the modified Van Kaam method. The steps of the Moustakas transcendental
phenomenological reduction methodology, using the modified Van Kaam method are
outlined in detail in the following paragraphs from Moustakas (1994), pages 120 to 121.
The researcher has used terms in quotations to maintain the integrity of the terminology
and process. Throughout Moustakas’ (1994) book, he indicated various examples of each
of these processes, which were studied and reviewed numerous times in detail, as were
examples of various studies he cited using his methodology. The researcher followed
these step-by-step procedures below during data analysis in a state of epoche (Moustakas,
1994).
Epoche. The researcher reminded herself that while she has had her own personal
experiences with this topic, and she has worked with numerous individual and couple
clients with an anxious attachment style, and that she had completed an extensive
literature review, that the very nature of a phenomenological study was to view each
participant’s responses as if the researcher was hearing this information for the very first
time, in a state of epoche (Moustakas, 1994).
The researcher began data analysis by entering a state of epoche in order to
analyze the data, which assisted in setting aside personal views of the subject matter
(Husserl 1939/1954 in Wertz, 2005; Merleau-Ponty, 1962; Moustakas, 1994). The data
of each individual participant was viewed as if the researcher was hearing it or reading it
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for the very first time, which is what Moustakas referred to as transcendental
phenomenological reduction (Moustakas, 1994). Since every person is completely
unique, the data was viewed from this vantage point, and that it was the only reality in
that moment.
Horizonalization. After entering epoche, the researcher engaged in
horizonalization, whereby every statement in the data was assigned equal value and
considered. The researcher deliberated on the various angles from which the participant
expressed their known experiences of the phenomenon (Husserl, 1931 in Moustakas,
1994; Moustakas, 1994; van Kaam, 1959).
The multiple perceptions that could have been derived from the explications are
called horizons, from which memories are recounted, and future actions may be based.
The researcher kept in mind that to further complicate this, just because something was
perceived, it was not necessarily an accurate reflection of what was in the participant’s
consciousness (Moustakas, 1994).
Reduction and elimination. All data in horizonalization were then viewed. In
this second step called the reduction and elimination phase (van Kaam, 1959), each
expression in the data was considered by two criteria: if what the participant described
contained an element relevant enough to obtain understanding from it, and if it was
possible to conceptualize and label it (Moustakas, 1994). If not, then horizonalization
had not occurred, and the explication was eliminated, as were any statements that were
not unique to what had already been said, those that did not address the question or topic,
or those that were too vague. Repetitive or vague statements were reduced to statements
that more clearly indicated the intended meaning (van Kaam, 1959). The statements that
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remained after this elimination process were horizons, which are what Moustakas (1994)
called “invariant constituents of the experience” (p. 121). They were unique aspects of
the described phenomenon that stood out from other statements (Moustakas, 1994).
These were consistent units of meaning that were pervasive themes amongst the
participants (McNamara, 2007). The goal at this stage was to be open to the information
available to determine what the meaningful statements were, and the information was not
narrowed too quickly (McNamara, 2007). This allowed for emerging themes and a
grouping of those themes, and an in-depth understanding of the phenomena (Moustakas,
1994; van Kaam, 1959).
Clustering and thematizing invariant constituents. Third, the remaining
invariant constituents were clustered and thematized, and these became the “core themes”
of the experience (Moustakas, 1994, p. 121; van Kaam, 1959). Moustakas referred to
invariant meanings as “essences” (1994, p. 51). As the researcher reviewed the data over
and over, new horizons and themes emerged (Morrow, 2005; Moustakas, 1994).
Identifying invariant constituents and themes. Fourth, the entire transcripts of
each participant were checked against the identified themes to determine if they were
specifically indicated or if they fit in with the core themes; if they did not, they were
deleted (Moustakas, 1994; van Kaam, 1959).
Individual textural descriptions. Fifth, using the core themes, “individual
textural descriptions” were determined for each participant through specific, quoted
examples from the transcripts of participants (Moustakas, 1994, p. 121; van Kaam, 1959).
These textural descriptions indicated the what of the phenomenon, in an uncensored
manner, from many perspectives in the participants’ descriptions (Moustakas, 1994).
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Creswell (2007) described this as “what happened” (p. 157). The researcher determined
textural descriptions and considered and reflected many times upon the data that was
being analyzed (Moustakas, 1994).
Individual structural descriptions; imaginative variation. Sixth, based on the
individual textural descriptions and imaginative variation, “individual structural
descriptions” for each participant were determined (Moustakas, 1994, p. 121). This was
the how and why something happened (Moustakas, 1994; McNamara, 2007, p. 1519).
Creswell (2007) described this as “how the phenomenon was experienced” (p. 157).
According to Moustakas (1994) the structural description was the underlying reason or
basis for the textural description.
The researcher implemented imaginative variation and considered the various
meanings that could have been assigned to the textural descriptions through intuition,
intellectual consideration, and used all senses to imagine what the structures might have
been (Moustakas, 1994). The specific steps included: first, “systematically varying the
possible structural meanings” that could have to pertained to the textural data
(Moustakas, 1994, p. 99). Second, the researcher allowed the “underlying themes or
contexts” to come to the fore that could have explained the phenomenon (Moustakas,
1994, p. 99). Third, the researcher considered universal structures that might have been
forerunners to thoughts and feelings about the phenomenon, such as “the structure of
time, space, bodily concerns, materiality, causality, relation to self, or relation to others”
(Moustakas, 1994, p. 99). Fourth, the researcher found examples in the data that
epitomized the “invariant structural themes” and that illustrated the “structural
descriptions of the data (Moustakas, 1994, p. 99).
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Textural-structural descriptions for each participant. Seventh, for each
participant, a “textural-structural description of the meanings and essences of the
experience, incorporating the invariant constituents and themes” was determined
(Moustakas, 1994, p. 121). As previously indicated, Creswell (2007) described the
textural as “what happened” and the structural of “how the phenomenon was
experienced” (p. 157). These hows were born out of “thinking and judging, imagining
and recollecting” (Moustakas, 1994, p. 79).
Composite of textural-structural descriptions for each participant. Eighth, a
“composite description of the meanings and essences of the experience, representing the
group as a whole” was determined (Moustakas, 1994, p. 121; Creswell et al., 2007),
which was an amalgamation of the core themes and invariant meanings that emerged
from the participants. It was how the particular research participants experienced the
phenomenon at this point in time (Moustakas, 1994). Husserl (in Moustakas, 1994)
emphasized that an essence is what it was at that time, but it can ultimately change.
As indicated at the beginning of this section, data was analyzed for each type of
data collection obtained, and then was analyzed as a unified set of data using the
amalgamation of that analyzed data, for a final analysis through these steps to determine
an overall essence (Moustakas, 1994). After the data was analyzed, the data, findings,
and results were prepared for presentation.
Methods and Procedures for Presentation of the Data, Findings, and Results
Presentation of the data and findings. In Chapter 4, data presentation consists
of information on the study and the researcher, a description of the sample, the research
methodology applied to data collection and analysis, presentation of data and results of
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analysis, and a summary (Moustakas, 1994; Wertz, 2005). Only findings actually
obtained have been reported, and no data was falsified (APA, 2002).
Presentation of the results. In Chapter 5, the results of the study will be
presented. This section will be comprised of a discussion and summary of the results and
conclusions, limitations, recommendations for further research or intervention, and a
conclusion of the dissertation.
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CHAPTER 4. DATA COLLECTION AND ANALYSIS
Introduction: The Study and the Researcher
While the research question for this study was “What is the lived experience of
anxiously attached, adult, heterosexual women while in romantic relationships?” the
initial question that was asked of each participant was: “Can you please tell me what it
has actually been like for you to be in romantic relationships?” Chapter 4 will now
describe the results of this phenomenological study.
The previous Chapters 1 and 3 discussed the research methodology for this study,
while Chapter 2 presented a literature review on anxiously attached women in romantic
relationships. This section of Chapter 4 discusses the study and the researcher’s role in
conducting the study. A description of the sample and demographics and information on
the study participants follows. Research methodology applied to the sample is then
outlined. A presentation of data and results of analysis is provided through a table and
textures, structures, and textural-structural descriptions for each participant. This is
followed by a summary of findings.
The researcher’s background, training, and experience in conducting the
research approach. The researcher did not have any previous background or experience
in conducting a phenomenological research study. She extensively studied and reviewed
the Moustakas’ transcendental phenomenological reduction methodology, using the
modified Van Kaam method (1994) in preparation for the study, and on an ongoing basis
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throughout the proposal stage, and at each stage of the study. In addition, the researcher
did an extensive literature review on this type of study, and reviewed these articles at
each stage of the study, as well as the tools provided by Capella University in research
methodology courses and colloquia. Further, her professional training and personality
style were extremely well-suited to this methodological approach. The researcher has a
master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and has been in private practice for a number
of years. This contributed to her effectiveness at building rapport with study
participants. Further, she is trained in effectively questioning individuals and listening
objectively to their responses. From a personality perspective, her preference and skill is
to explore subjects in depth, which transferred very effectively and skillfully with study
participants.
The role the researcher played in data collection and analysis. The researcher
collected and analyzed the data for this phenomenological study, which is in alignment
with a constructivist-interpretivist study. This allowed for the best control and continuity
over the quality of data collected to meet the study requirements, as well as the most
thorough and conscientious approach to data analysis to maximize the quality of the
study.
A discussion of significant effects the researcher may have had on the data at
any stage of the project. It is likely that the researcher had significant effects on
participant selection, data collection. First, participant selection was highly accurate due
to the researcher’s extensive knowledge of anxious attachment and ability to identify it.
It also allowed her to identify during the interviews two of the participants who did not
qualify for the study, and to verify that upon examination of their transcripts. Second, the
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researcher effectively built rapport and positioned the research at the outset of the
interview to elicit accurate, lived experiences, as if they were experiencing them for the
very first time (Moustakas, 1994), and participants openly disclosed without shame or a
sense of potential judgment from her.
The following section provides a description of the sample for this study.
Description of the Sample
Primary Participants
While twelve heterosexual Canadian women living in Toronto, Ontario, Canada
were actually interviewed for this study, the data of ten of these participants have been
used in the data analysis. The data of Participants 1 and 5 were obtained but not
analyzed, and the data for Participant 4 was not obtained, as she was accepted to the
study but did not follow through. Further, secondary data for Participant 7 was not used,
as it related to her early life, and not romantic relationships. These are further described
at the end of this section.
Demographics of Participants
Participants were screened by the researcher by telephone. When they arrived for
their interview, they filled out a demographic information sheet after they signed the
informed consent form. The following describes some of the data shown in the table
below for the ten participant interviews that were used, and further describes other
information not in the table.
Ages. The ages of the women whose data were used, ranged in ages from 32 to
59. The bulk of participants were in their thirties (six participants), with one participant
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in her 40’s (43), and three were age 59. The average age of participants whose data was
used was 42.7 years old. The occupations varied widely.
Occupations. Two of the participants were in the helping profession, one was a
student, some participants were in business management, account management, finance,
or accounting. One was in a coordinator role, one was in a management role in a nonbusiness setting, and one was a professor.
Education levels. Two participants had PhD’s, two had bachelor’s degrees, and
six had master’s degrees.
Income ranges. Incomes of the participants ranged from $0 to $50,000, to
$150,000 to $200,000. Four participants were at the lowest range of $0 to $50,000, one
participant was at the range of $50,000 to $75,000, three were at $75,000 to $100,000,
one participant each were at the ranges of $100,000 to $150,000, and $150,000 to
$200,000.
Ethnic/religious identification. All of the participants were Caucasian with
various ethnic descriptions as further described below the table. It is very common for
Canadians to further define their heritages, but three did not. Some asked the researcher
if this was what she was looking for, and the researcher gave them the option of
describing it as was their preference. Of those who did, these further ethnic and/or
religious descriptions, three identified as Italian, one as Portuguese, two as Jewish with
further European backgrounds, and one as Scottish/Irish. One background has not been
included due to potential identifying information. Nine of the participants are Canadian,
and one participant was a landed immigrant from the United Kingdom.
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Marital status. One of the participants was married, two were common-law, one
was divorced, and six were single. Of those six single women, one was in an eight month
relationship and one had literally just broke up two days before from a three year dating
relationship.
Children. Two of the women had adult children.
Current or previous therapy. Nine of the ten participants had received therapy
in the past. Six were currently in therapy, two were seeking therapists, and one was
seeking to change therapists. A list of potential therapists was provided to those seeking
therapists.
Table 1. Demographics of Participants
Children
Participant
Age
Income Range
Education
Previous
Relationship
Status
Current
Relationship
Status
2
3
6
43
34
59
$0 to $50,000
$0 to $50,000
$150,000 to $200,000
Common-Law
Single
Married once
59
$0 to $50,000
Single
Single
Divorced
Just starting to
date
Single
0
0
2
7
8
36
$100,000 to $150,000
M.A.
M.A.
Advanced
degree in
Business
B.A. plus
certificate
PhD
Common-Law
0
9
32
$75,000 to $100,000
MBA
Single
10
11
12
33
35
37
$75,000 to $100,000
$50,000 to $75,000
$0 to $50,000
B.Sc.
M.A.
M.A.
Common-Law
Single
Married once
13
59
$75,000 to $100,000
PhD
Married three
times
Single
Dating partner
for 8 months
Single
Just broke up
from a 3 year
relationship
Single
Common-Law
Divorced and
now CommonLaw
Married
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Single
0
0
0
0
3
Table 1 depicts participant demographics. Due to potential identifying data,
occupation and nationality were not shown for the specific participants. Following the
table is a detailed description of the participants.
Detailed Description of Participants
The following provides an overview of each participant, and a quote that
exemplifies a key theme that they illustrate.
Participant 2. Participant 2 is a 43 year old, extremely friendly, personable,
engaging, appears articulate, extremely bright, deep, warm, and creative woman. She has
a master’s degree. While she has had a few long term relationships and lived with one
partner common-law, she is presently single. Participant 2 reported that she has
constantly been seeking “the one” and has had a feeling that regardless of if she is in a
relationship, that there is perhaps an even better partner who will be more suited to her,
and who will provide a “soul connection.”
But I wanted… it was intellectual for me; I wanted someone to engage me on a
very... it seemed like, at the time, a very high intellectual level, but it also seemed
like a very deep soul level, but I couldn’t have articulated what that was. I have a
better idea now, looking back.
Participant 3. Participant 3 is a 34 year old, very friendly, intellectually very
bright, sincere, woman who spoke well. She has a master’s degree. She is single and has
had what she describes as one significant relationship per decade. She described high
anxiety at the actual or potential loss of a relationship and a fear of being alone. Her
comfort zone appeared to be in pursuit of and in a state of yearning for a partner.
And, I think sometimes if I’m really faced with an opportunity to really have a
relationship, with these insipid guys, it’s not so much that I don’t trust them for
liking me, but I think there’s a part of me that’s actually scared of what I would
really be in a relationship. And then what? It’s almost easier to fantasize about a
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relationship about somebody you can’t have one with because it can always be an
ideal. But then I get a broken heart. It’s like I don’t have to actually get involved
in the work of a relationship, I’m always just trying to get into one. [laughs]
Participant 6. Participant 6 is a 59 year old, extremely friendly, and warm
woman. She smiled a lot, laughed easily, often nervously. She holds an advanced degree
in business. She was married for about 26 years, and is now divorced. She has recently
just started dating. She exhibited a very low self-esteem and this was very prevalent
throughout her marriage to an emotionally abusive and withholding husband. In support
of this, throughout the relationship she assumed things were her fault, did not question his
demands, carried the load of the household responsibilities including financial and
chores. She did not realize that she was in an abusive marriage until she described her
very low sex marriage to friends who prompted her to go to therapy.
I mean, at the time I kept thinking, if only I do this, he’ll stop, or, what did I do?
And I was just always like this, so whatever he threw at me, I would just be like,
oh my god, oh my god, not even thinking if there’s a basis.
Participant 7. Participant 7 is a 59 year old woman who was slightly reserved at
the beginning of the interview. She was somewhat friendly, was a bit demanding of the
researcher, and it was important to her to describe her new relationship, which was not
part of the interview. She is resilient, and creative, and brought a piece of writing for the
secondary data, but did not suit the nature of the study so it was not used. She holds a
Bachelor of Arts degree and an additional certificate. She is single, had very briefly (a
few months) lived with one partner, and has had “short, intense” relationships throughout
her life. She felt that one man in particular was the love of her life, and felt this to be the
case for 30 years, despite this man telling her at the outset that he was not available for
more than a casual connection.
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You're saddled with a lot of longings in having this so-called idealized love of my
life who's lost, feeds those longings and can leave you less than open to what you
might actually have here and now.
Participant 8. Participant 8 is a 36 year old woman who was extremely
personable, gracious, down to earth, and accommodating. She was fashionably dressed,
attractive, and there was a sexiness about her. She is extremely bright and successful for
her age, having obtained a PhD and a successful career. However, there was a naïveté
about relationships and how they work, and she described relationship behaviors that
indicated a lower skill in managing her emotions. Of all of the participants what she
reported indicated that she had the highest anxiety when relationships were ending or she
thought that they might that severely impacted every aspect of her life. She reported
getting into relationships very quickly without considering actual compatibility, and
reported having sex usually on the first date or soon after. She described that this then
triggered her view that she was in a relationship with the man, and her high anxiety,
which lead to over-controlling behavior of the men she was with, in particular “life
coaching” and planning their life for them, without their consent. She related that her
high anxiety would also lead to calling the men or their friends and family, or showing up
at their place of work. She described that she tends to meet a lot of guys, and tries to
“live together” as soon as possible.
Because I think the ones that I've gotten to know longer -- it doesn't even have to
take that long, it could take a week. Once I get to know them, I -- this probably
isn't someone I'd want to have a relationship -- anyways with -- if I've taken time
to kind of -- let that play out.
Participant 9. Participant 9 is a 32 year old, polished, succinct, serious woman,
who is intellectually bright. She had literally just broken up with her three year
relationship about two days before the interview. She was not tearful, but it was
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noteworthy that she never laughed throughout the entire interview, which was
exceptionally different than the other interviews. She holds an MBA. She was very
embarrassed about being single to the point where she would tell some people that she
had a partner when she did not, and had a view that a partner was someone who would
quell her anxiety and wanted to be texted or called every morning and particularly at
night when she was otherwise most anxious.
So I think a big part of it was, I think, me trying too hard, that, no, I can make this
work. You know, this can work, I can have a relationship, and I suppose I -- it's
not like, you know, we met and we fell in love and we started dating, it was more
that I kind of forced things maybe to happen. I thought, well, here's a [profession
of ex-boyfriend], you know, he's obviously got some money, he's not stupid, can
hold a conversation.
Participant 10. Participant 10 is a 33 year old, friendly, engaging, very attractive
and stylish woman. She has a Bachelor of Science degree. She had a longer term
common-law relationship for her first relationship and two boyfriends after that. Her
parents had a very volatile relationship and she had a terrible, estranged relationship with
her father. She viewed her relationships as opportunities to learn about life, how others
live and the values they hold, and how to improve her own life, which she vastly did. It
was very important for her to let the researcher know that she wanted very few romantic
partners.
And then also he wasn't affectionate. So that was another thing that -- I mean, the
sex was there. The sex was always good between us, but the -- in terms of, like,
hugging and, you know, all that kind of personal affection wasn't there either. So
even with all that I still stayed because, like I said, I had the belief that you -- you
know, I've got someone, so you just figure it out.
Participant 11. Participant 11 is a 35 year old, friendly, fashionable, woman,
who appeared very kind, and with a sort of wounded fragility about her. At the outset of
the interview, she asked the researcher if there was hope. She has a Bachelor of Arts
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degree. She likes her work. She is currently living common-law with a guy who had a
hard time getting into the relationship she is currently in. She very much wants to be
married and describes her relationship to be happy about 50% of the time, which causes
her ambivalence about whether to stay. “I … I don’t like to admit it, but I am one of
those people who gets scared when I think about being alone, in that way, where I have to
look for other people.”
Participant 12. Participant 12 is a 37 year old woman who is likeable, vibrant,
dramatic, energetic, and a bit rough around the edges. She is living common-law after
being divorced. She has been desperate for a relationship her entire life. She reported
having high anxiety when she senses relationships are ending or they actually are, had
learned a lot of negative relationship behaviors from her mother, and has literally jumped
from one relationship to the next.
Yeah, and a lot of my relationships I think have – have been about that, have been
about like – and a lot of the men have been very different from each other.
Because I would think, okay, so that didn’t work but now this must be what I
need. And then I would go – I would find it; I would go out, find it and then just
attach myself to that person, so.
Participant 13. Participant 13 is a 59 year old incredibly beautiful, open, warm,
genuinely authentic, and cheerful woman. She is very bright, professional and stylish.
She has a PhD. She married very young with the need to find someone to attach to, and
married a gay man, whom to this day (after being divorced many years later) she grieves
and cries about. She has been married three times, is currently married, feels she has
repeated the same patterns and mistakes in different ways in her relationships, and yearns
for a deep, reciprocal, loving connection.
I'm looking for deep intimacy. I'm looking—I will be bold enough to say I am
still looking for deep sharing, open-hearted, intimacy, eroticism. Gosh, what a
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dream. Um, tenderness. A safe place to land. A person that I can give that to but
not without him also giving that to me.
Now that a detailed consideration of the demographics and brief profile of the
participants has been provided, the data sources and participants dropped from the study
will be reviewed.
Data Sources
Data that was used for the analysis includes recorded participant interviews,
observations that included the notes of the researcher during and after sessions, which
was recorded, and secondary data. While all participants were informed and reminded
about secondary data, only three chose to bring writings, two of which applied to the
study. It was surprising to the researcher at the timeframe that the interviews were taking
place that more participants did not bring secondary data, but it was very apparent that
the participants’ main focus was to talk about their lived experiences. This data was
analyzed and results appear in this chapter.
Participants dropped from the study, participant who did not follow
through, and secondary data not used. There were three individuals associated with
the study who do not appear in the data analysis. One (Participant 1) is a participant that
was accepted and interviewed, the second (Participant 4) was a person who was screened
and accepted to the study, but who did not ultimately follow through with an interview
date, and the third (Participant 5) who was accepted and interviewed. Further, the
secondary data of Participant 7 was not used. The following is additional information
about each of these circumstances.
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Participant 1. First, the data from Participant 1 was not used as she ultimately
did not meet study parameters and this was evident from the interview content. She
indicated in the screening process that a Psychiatrist had told her that she had features of
Borderline Personality Disorder. The researcher contacted the International Participant
Advocate for her study and discussed this potential participant after she was screened.
The study parameters were set to exclude those with an Axis II diagnosis. It was
apparent from the interview with Participant 1 that her romantic relationship experiences
and behavior in romantic relationships were significantly in line with an individual with
Borderline Personality Disorder, which includes abandonment anxiety, versus those of a
person with an anxious attachment style. Upon considering the data obtained, and a
discussion with the Participant Advocate for this study (as an international learner) it was
strongly believed by the researcher that this participant was not a fit for the study, and
this data was not used.
Participant 4. Second, the qualified participant indicated as Participant 4
accepted the invitation to be in the study. Participant 4 e-mailed to follow up and
indicated that she was still interested but busy, and the researcher also e-mailed to followup, but ultimately Participant 4 did not respond. A final e-mail was sent to her as a
courtesy indicating that the researcher had enough participants and that this potential
participant was welcome to an interview, but Participant 4 did not respond.
Participant 5. Finally, Participant 5 was accepted to the study and interviewed.
It was apparent to the researcher during the first portion of the interview that this
participant was potentially looking for emotional support and was possibly seeking a
therapist and took the study as an opportunity to explore this. Upon careful review of the
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data and from listening and observing this participant, it is clear that she has many
features of Borderline Personality Disorder and Dependent Personality Disorder, and her
attachment style presented as fearful-avoidant in what she described in the interview,
with angry relationship behaviors due to deep disappointments and betrayals of her goals
and needs by her partner. Therefore, the data was not that of anxiously attached person
and did not fit the study guidelines.
Participant 7 – secondary data. The secondary data from Participant 7 was not
used as it was a poem written about the violence witnessed of her father toward her
mother, and was not directly related to romantic relationships. It provided insight into the
etiology of the participant, but was not the focus of this study in that it did not relate to
her actual experiences in romantic relationships.
The following discusses the research methodology that was applied to the data
analysis for this study.
Research Methodology Applied to Data Analysis
Moustakas Transcendental Phenomenological Reduction Methodology, Using the
Modified van Kaam Method (1994)
The research methodology that was applied to data analysis is the Moustakas
transcendental phenomenological reduction methodology, using the modified Van Kaam
method (1994). The steps that were followed for each participant were as follows:
Epoche. Prior to each of the following steps, the researcher went into a state of
epoche (Moustakas, 1994) where the data being reviewed was the only focus and no
other information from the literature review, other participants, or the researcher’s
personal or professional experience was considered.
155
Preliminary review of entire transcript. Each line of the transcript was
reviewed to determine if it described the actual experience of the participant in romantic
relationships. If it did relate to an actual experience, it was underlined. If the line of the
transcript was an opinion, theory, or not relevant, it was not underlined. If it was a
repetitive statement, it was marked as repetitive to no longer be considered in the
transcripts. After the transcript was reviewed once, the following steps from Moustakas’
(1994) modified Van Kaam method were followed.
1. Horizonalization. After the transcript was reviewed, the researcher began to
review those underlined statements that described the lived experience of romantic
relationships, and they were assigned a number.
2. Reduction and elimination to determine the invariant constituents. 2.a. As
the number was being assigned, the concept of what was being said was written down
both on the actual transcript, and on paper that was divided in two columns on the left
hand column. This illustrated that the concept was an experience of romantic
relationships and that it was sufficient for understanding (Moustakas, 1994). On a right
hand column of the paper, if it was a concept that was new to that set of data, it was
assigned a number. If it was similar to a previous concept, it was assigned the same
number as that previous concept. The entire transcript was reviewed in this manner.
Each line could have more than one number assigned to it, as it might refer to various
concepts. For example, one line could have all of the following concepts related to it:
partner selection, relationship behavior of partner, and feelings evoked by the participant.
2.b. The written concepts were then reviewed to determine if the statement
actually fit the concept to which it was being related and could be labeled (Moustakas,
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1994), such as partner selection, or if other concepts identified needed to be added to it,
or if a different identified descriptor would be more appropriate.
3. Clustering and thematizing the invariant constituents. The main identified
concepts were then typed out. These were then clustered into themes, and the themes
were named, for example feelings in relationships.
4. Final identification of the invariant constituents and themes by application:
validation. The researcher considered each item clustered into the theme, to determine if
it fit there or in another theme, or if it was actually a theme at all, or was a one off
descriptor. These themes and invariant constituents were checked with the participant’s
transcript to determine if they were expressly stated or if they were compatible. Those
that met this criterion remained as themes.
These clustered themes were then put into a table for a visual view of the themes.
Quotes were identified and added that fit the theme. These themes were also intuitively
reviewed, as was the study data, which is part of the Moustakas data analysis process.
Any additional concepts were added if they were themes of the data.
5. Individual textural description. Textural descriptions of the “what happened”
were written based on the validated invariant constituents and themes. Quotes were
identified and added that supported these.
6. Individual structural description. Structural descriptions of the “what
thoughts or feelings were evoked” were written. Imaginative variation was applied using
the possible themes identified in Moustakas (1994), such as relation to self, relation to
other, causality, bodily concerns, time, and materiality. Further options and consideration
157
were written as to what could be evoking those thoughts or feelings. Quotes were
identified and added that supported these.
7. Textural-structural description. A textural-structural description was written
identifying a combination of the “what” and “how”, based on the invariant constituents
and themes. The various structures were used as a base for grouping the various textural
descriptions. This process was repeated for each of the ten participants individually, and
the results of previous participants were not reviewed as each was completed, in keeping
with epoche.
8. Composite description: participant interview data. Consideration was given to
the various structural themes for each participant. A table was made of these, and the
structures of relation to self, relation to other, causality, bodily concerns, time were
identified as key structures for the participants. The clusters (themes) identified in each
of the textural-structural descriptions were then grouped into themes, and were also
considered intuitively. This helped to identify the overall structures and clusters
(themes). A composite description was written for the data for the ten participants from
the main data analysis.
9. The process was then followed for observational data and secondary data,
including a composite description for each.
10. The composite description was checked to ensure that it contained the
structures and themes of the ten participants for all forms of data.
No departures from protocol and no problems during data collection or
analysis. The data analysis process was very clear and was followed with facility, and
there were no departures from the protocol described in Chapter Three. Finally, there
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were no actual problems that arose during data collection or analysis. As discussed
above it was evident that the interview data for Participants 1 and 5 indicated that they
did not fit the study, and that the secondary data of Participant 7 was not related to her
romantic relationship experiences. The following is a presentation of the data and results
of analysis for this study.
Presentation of Data and Results of the Analysis
Data presentation appears in this chapter. The presentation in this chapter for
each participant’s interview data includes
x
The textural descriptions
x
The structural descriptions
x
The textural-structural descriptions
The composite textural-structural description is presented in Chapter 5.
Textural, Structural, and Textural-Structural Descriptions
The following is a table of findings of the structures, clusters (themes), and
textures with excerpts of participants’ language to illustrate them.
Table 2. Findings of Study: Structures, Clusters (Themes), and Textures (continued)
Structures
Clusters (Themes)
Relation to self
Textures
• I don't love myself
• I just don't know how much I love myself
• distraught and empty and alone and terrible about
myself
• unlovability/defective
• doesn't love me and …that feeling of not being
good enough
• can I get love—….
• I feel like there is something wrong with me
159
Table 2. Findings of Study: Structures, Clusters (Themes), and Textures (continued)
Structures
Clusters (Themes)
Textures
• low self-esteem and self-regard
• I'm the lucky one
• what did I do?
• felt like I didn't deserve someone like him
• embarrassment to be single
• so ashamed… embarrassed .. loser
• can tell people the truth and not lie about it
• embarrassed
Relation to other
• putting yourself first is something that you have
to do, and I don't think I was doing that
• focused on the other person
• an unavailable guy
• I just wanted to be in the relationship
Partner selection:
• non-committal or emotionally or
physically withdrawing partners
• he wasn't ready to settle down with one person
• he wasn’t ready for a relationship
• my experiences are that I fall for an unavailable
guy
• are these guys really stable that I'm getting
involved with
• very shut-down emotionally
• maybe guys are just… their libidos have gone
[laughs]…
• dearth of sexuality for years
• relationship due to pursuit by
interested guy, loneliness, or
embarrassment of being single
• he picked me out of all these people, without even
knowing me
• his willingness to try...to build something, which
[the guy she wanted] was not
• this person wants to be involved with me and I
feel -- I’m very lonely, and so we got involved
• I have force-fit myself into relationships because
of the desperation around not being in a
relationship or being alone
• a big part of it was me mentally wanting to -- to
kind of move on, to prove to myself that I could
• people are always saying do you have a
boyfriend…can say yes…
160
Table 2. Findings of Study: Structures, Clusters (Themes), and Textures (continued)
Structures
Clusters (Themes)
Textures
• ignored incompatibilities and key • even in the beginning I actually knew that he
moments (that the relationship was wasn't...totally into me
not viable)
• I remember...feeling very kind of shaky and
nervous. I shut [my body] down and I ignore it
• looking back...my own instincts were there, but I
-- I kind of overrode them
Romantic relationship beliefs:
• wants a good long term
relationship
• I started to see that I could find a good stable love
• relationships -- they shouldn't restrict individuals;
they should enhance your life
• the joy and fun of it if it -- you know, if you meet
the right person
• relationships are a struggle
• struggle
• hard
• disappointment
• fantasy that their partner would
• that he would switch and change
change and become the partner she • if the person can change
wants
• If I love them enough, they'll be able to give me
what I need, right? That— ….It is a fantasy
• idealized view of what a
relationship could be
• I can’t even want to be physically involved with
somebody unless I have these strong emotions
• I'm looking for deep intimacy….deep sharing,
open-hearted, intimacy, eroticism….tenderness. A
safe place to land.
• it wasn’t the right match; it wasn’t like a soul
resonance
• viewed partner re: how he could
benefit her
• …a very accomplished family…. at that time, I
guess probably even so now, I'm pretty drawn to
that….
• I would call the [name of Participant 13] needs-afather-for-her-children-relationship.
• I kind of expect someone to -- to let me know
they're thinking of me in the morning. And
especially when I go to bed.
161
Table 2. Findings of Study: Structures, Clusters (Themes), and Textures (continued)
Structures
Clusters (Themes)
Textures
• better to be in a relationship
versus the right one
• I was glad to have someone to be involved with.
• invest not in the people, in the relationship
• just having a -- a relationship, you know, that was
-- kind of a comfort on many levels
• have a fear their partner will
leave them
• I start to interpret a need for space as a need to get
distance from me personally
• he’s changed his mind. He doesn’t want to see me
anymore
• he’s going to fall out of love with me
Romantic relationship behaviors:
• very committed/deeply attached
• And I did have a till death do us part
understanding about relationships
• I still have a lot of feeling
• I was loyal and loving and completely
devoted and committed and long-suffering
• mellowed into a love that I was still committed to
and convinced by
• tried to relate effectively
• I tried pretty hard during that one conversation
• I didn’t bring up too many of them, because I
knew just how uncomfortable he was
• it would just be me communicating and him
responding
• major focus on their partner and
wanted to be around them too
much
• so he just went deeper into his shell; I became
more demanding and sulky
• I somehow have a hard time - letting them have
the space that they need
• I'm all about that person and so I am constantly
trying to connect with that person
• reinforced their partners negative
behaviors
o
pursued him when he
stopped pursuing her
• the second they start maybe pulling away a tiny
bit – I will start to seek them
• then they retreat, then I start getting even more
anxious and trying even harder
• He said, "I don’t want a relationship with you, not
right now.” And I basically stalked him.
162
Table 2. Findings of Study: Structures, Clusters (Themes), and Textures (continued)
Structures
Clusters (Themes)
Textures
o
continued to meet his
needs despite him not
meeting hers
• wasn’t willing to go anywhere painful for me, but
wanted me to be there for him
• [he] was very emotionally demanding... .
• so I was the caretaker a lot
• I'm doing it from a very dutiful place, not from a
compassionate, loving place
o
used negative emotions
and attention-seeking
behavior
• I would just get up and go and I'd leave him alone
at the…dinner table
• I cried a lot
• I would create a lot of drama
• sabotaged the relationships
• knowing that I should give someone space… I
tend to invite them out quite often
• I tended to just, kind of, sabotage it, without even
knowing it
• then I do things to sabotage the relationship
Romantic relationship feelings:
• very positive feelings at the
beginning of their relationships
• a good part…happy…excited
• a really, really happy feeling
• it felt really good
o
felt secure and hopeful
• made me feel, like, really secure
• to feel safe in a relationship
• connection that was quite nice
• in love and hopeful
• like to feel confident that someone loves me and
that they will love me
o
enjoyment from activities
• appreciated that kind of connection
• it was just awesome
• that was really nice for me
• the shift from being pursued by
their partner to his push-pull
behavior or retreat
o
yearning for the early
connection and intimacy
• hopelessness
• grasping
• anxious
• saddled with a lot of longings
• I'm looking for deep intimacy
• not being satisfied
163
Table 2. Findings of Study: Structures, Clusters (Themes), and Textures (continued)
Structures
Clusters (Themes)
Textures
o
anxiety
• he’s going to fall out of love with me
• very anxious… what is he really doing
• anxious and threatened and desperate
• very, very stressed and very anxious
o
anger, sadness,
disappointment
• just be angry just kind of under the surface and
then it would just affect everything
• just feeling angry
• a lot of crying....just the futility and the
desperation and feeling stupid about myself
• he says, you know, “You’re always crying”
• distracted, disappointed, lonely, dejected
• the shame and the disappointment
o
rejection, neglected,
lonely, betrayed
• I felt very rejected
• distracted, disappointed, lonely, [and] dejected
• excluding me
• [work is] the first wife
• a very lonely place
• I didn’t feel there was any connection
• taken for a ride
• I felt so betrayed by that
o
sexually frustrated
• I start to feel so unattractive and so insecure
• but he didn't have the experience…the skill …the
stamina
• we had a very low sex marriage
o
not worthy or good
enough
• being unreasonable with the kind of time and
attention that I need from them
• I got really nervous. I was just like he’s out of
my league
• not being good enough
o
grief for their relationship
• I miss him terribly
• I just was alone for Christmas … heartbreaking
• I still have a lot of feeling… loss, hurt
164
Table 2. Findings of Study: Structures, Clusters (Themes), and Textures (continued)
Structures
Clusters (Themes)
Textures
Relationship termination:
• reluctant to terminate
• I felt like I really had no choice at that point
• I had exhausted all the avenues … I was backed
into a corner
• [he] behaved in such a way that...he just didn’t
have the courage to do the deed
• missed or ignored cues
• so finally I realized...he’s not interested; shut up
• he did come back a few times to visit me and I
never wanted him to leave
• like these little, little signs or signals that one
remembers
• anxiety and grief at outset of
termination
• panicky that he was the one and it was falling
away…
• very -- very upsetting, lots of drama
• lots of anxiety
• kept hoping they would get back
together
• I so desperately want to hold onto this fantasy
that...we’ll get back together
• is there a way that we could live through this and
maybe come out the other side
• still immersed in that situation and not being able
to let it go
• ongoing grief and yearning
• to this day [30 years later]… I still have a lot of
feeling… a lot of loss, hurt
• being very angry for about a year
• a year ago, and I’m not over it yet; I think about
him all the time
Current insights:
• got very anxious in relationships
• make yourself really sick about worrying about it,
which probably I did for too long
• anxiety was probably the highest that I’d ever
experienced
• I become very anxious and it's kind of a
bottomless anxiety
165
Table 2. Findings of Study: Structures, Clusters (Themes), and Textures (continued)
Structures
Clusters (Themes)
Textures
• partners were often not very kind • continuous emotional unavailability
• they just weren’t good for me and they certainly
weren’t all that into me
• he doesn’t say I love you
• he would call me whenever he was ready
• very emotionally demanding
• felt badly about themselves when
their partners would not commit or
were unavailable, or treated them
unkindly
• in order to, you know, keep him as whatever he is
to me, I’ll just accept this. And it hurt a lot
• I want to hear [that he loves me]… just without
having to ask
• it was still very devastating
• I feel that, if it won’t change, does this mean I
have to be like this [feeling needy and upset]
forever
• relationships were not viable, and • I think it's something I should have probably done
should have terminated sooner
out of respect for myself a long time ago
• but there's a part of me … that says even if he did
[make efforts to improve the relationship], that ship
has sailed
• strong at what cost?
• I don't consider him the love of my life
anymore… it left me open to meet -- more good
people
• repeated unproductive behaviors
in each relationship
• I make the mistake for the third time
• you're the one that is equally afraid of it, that's
why you're picking these guys -• this push pull and it happened with the first one –
it probably happened with all of these relationships
• parents were not good
relationship role models
• my mother was always very anxious with my
father
• my mom is my mirror…so everything I see in her
I’ve done it
• They’re still together but they’re – they’re not an
example of a healthy relationship by any means.
Causality
166
Table 2. Findings of Study: Structures, Clusters (Themes), and Textures (continued)
Structures
Clusters (Themes)
Textures
• parents’ treatment of her
impacted her self- and worldviews, relationship beliefs, and
behaviors
• I think my dad and I haven't really talked for the
last two [Christmases] either
• constellation of what I've been left with that
makes me very comfortable as a -- as an other
woman
• I know that my relationship with my father does
affect my -- my relationships with men
• I am the daughter of a borderline [personality
disorder] mother
• used sex for a purpose: physical
or emotional intimacy, or to try to
begin a relationship
• I used my sexuality to connect with people
• I thought “oh by sleeping with him, then he’s
going to develop feelings”
• I think I use sex as a connection
• sexual frustration due to low
frequency or poor quality of sex
• we’d be having sex once every five months
• after we first made love, I cried. …It was so
disappointing.
• physical intimacy has been...getting slower and I
don’t think that he’s been the same with me
Bodily concerns
Time
• awareness of time in and between • it wasn't actually very long
relationships
• 17 years
• guess 11 years
• on and off, for four years during school
The narrative textural, structural, and textural-structural descriptions by
participants are now presented.
Participant 2
The following section describes the textural, structural, and textural-structural
descriptions for this participant.
167
Textural Description for Participant 2
Loved and safe is not enough. For Participant 2, some relationships have been
“solid” but her romantic relationship life has also had a theme of seeking “the one”. This
leaves her in a place of seeking, even when she is in a relationship, versus being fully
committed to the one she is in.
So I’ve been… in my twenties I had two very solid relationships where I actually
felt very safe and felt very loved, but I didn’t feel like I could be that person for
them.” In these relationships, she sometimes felt “it’s bliss….Yeah. It’s pretty
blissed out.
Partner selection. While Participant 2’s first partner was a very positive one, she
then made other choices of partners who impacted her differently. She had a shut down
and withdrawn partner whom despite her best efforts at communication would not work
things through with her. She described him as “very shut-down emotionally. Wasn’t
willing to go anywhere painful for me, but wanted me to be there for him.” This lack of
effort and reciprocity on his part in the relationship resulted in an inevitable breakup.
Participant 2 also had an idealized partner whom she thought she would be with
forever.
So he was the intellectual that I wanted and he seemed… I put him on a pedestal;
he seemed to be sort of far ahead of me and I saw him as almost like a parent
figure.
For the first few years this relationship seemed ideal.
And so he was definitely my equal… I felt like we were on the same page
intellectually. He challenged me… we were on the same page emotionally; he
was always there for the tough conversations; he was very attentive. He really
loved me. He was supportive when I was having difficulty with a friend of mine;
he’s very, very emotionally intelligent, so the way he could… he can see things
from different angles and so he would help change my perspective on things in
these very gentle ways.
168
In the height of her loneliness, and at the taunting of her friends who saw her as
“too picky”, Participant 2 was contacted by her high school sweetheart who was
heartbroken after his marriage ended, and he lived hours away in another country. This
partner could not give her the personal space that she needed.
It felt like he… he just energetically… he wanted me to be the woman he wanted
to marry, but I didn’t actually see him seeing who I was. And so he wanted me
to… you know, I couldn’t go and have coffee by myself and sit in a café, which is
something I like doing. And he was threatened…
Similarly, she also chose a partner due to having a limited support system as she
was living in a city hours away from her family and friends. While he did not seem to be
a guy she would typically date, she realizes “whereas if I’d been surrounded by my
community, I think I would have stronger reference points.” One of the issues Participant
2 is now aware of is how she would get a gut feeling about a guy she had met, but then
not trust it. She said it was like she had to live out the relationship to determine if her gut
reaction was right, but it always was. In this case she found that:
[A]fter three months I went out to [name of city that childhood sweetheart was
from] and I knew right away… I just felt in my gut the moment I laid eyes on
him, that I had made a big mistake and… But I stayed for the five days…
Partner’s relationship behavior toward her. The relationship behavior of the
partners toward her was sometimes related to connecting, and other times withdrawing.
She recalled the painful feeling of being used and not having her needs met.
Yeah, I was there for you and you clearly just wanted whatever you could get
from me, but you just didn’t want to give anything. And I didn’t really understand
what I was to him. It just… yeah, it just felt like he couldn’t possibly care for me.
Her own conflict about being wanted yet knowing she was being treated was
evident.
169
After we sorted that out, he actually was… like we had a big, terrible fight, but I
ended up sleeping over and then the next morning he really… he did put his arms
around me and he did tell me he loved me and he did say he wanted the
relationship like… he did…
She kept trying to make relationships work and to be in relationships. “Probably
some desperation on my part to be with someone.” The feelings in her that were evoked
due to her partner’s treatment of her were often anxiety, desperation to be with a partner,
and helplessness. What she was feeling would depend on the state of the relationship at
any given time.
It kind of depends: so if I feel like we’re not getting along, that there is actually…
it could lead to a resolution that could deepen things and I feel like that’s actually
possible, I kind of get excited, because I feel like this is a productive conflict. If I
feel like we’re not getting along and the other person is bowing out and doesn’t
want to be present for it and it starts to spell like maybe they’re walking out the
door, I feel incredibly anxious and threatened and desperate and I start anxiously
looking for ways to make it better. And then all of my terror tapes start running,
like I’m going to lose this person and…Sometimes I shut down when we’re not
getting along and I fantasize about being on my own and how much better that
will be, or being with someone else, as a way to escape…my worry about what’s
happening [and this sedates me].
The upset and helpless feeling that she would feel was related to not being
understood by partners.
Relationship behavior. Participant 2 is aware that her own partner selection and
ongoing efforts to make challenging relationships work was “probably some desperation
on my part to be with someone.” She described her attempts as:
I tried pretty hard. I tried pretty hard during that one conversation and then I
tried… I didn’t bring up too many of them, because I knew just how
uncomfortable he was and how much it pushed him in the opposite direction, so I
tried not to have really hard conversations with him.
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She would experience these challenges through her partner’s withdrawn behavior.
“So he just went deeper into his shell; I became more demanding and sulky and then
eventually he had an affair….So basically everything… my worst fears…came true.”
Insight: parental impact on her relationship issues. Participant 2 was aware of
how her parents’ inability to meet her own needs, and their inability to be effective
relationship partners together impacted her.
So he wasn’t so great at talking about emotional things and I was… I am the
daughter of a borderline mother and so I… the more withdrawn he became, the
more I would act out and my way of acting out was sort of being, like waifish and
needing a lot of attention and petulance and I was always sort of sulky and
unhappy and manipulative around that kind of thing, and so we just polarised each
other…
She had a fear of her partner’s leaving her and cheating on her, which is what her
father did to her mother.
And my parents had a pretty bad divorce and I just always felt like… and I
didn’t… and I identified with my mother, even though my mum is a very difficult
personality… very difficult. But I identified with her being the wronged and the
abandoned woman and I used to have fantasies as a teenager about how can I
make sure my husband never leaves me and…
Relationship termination. When relationships terminated, Participant 2 felt
defective and amazed at how someone could treat her so badly.
Like bewilderment that someone could do that. Like, what could bring someone
to that point where they would want to be so mean? So it felt like it was being
acted upon me. And I… almost like I must be so horrible; this person hates me
this much. So it just added to my sense of like, fuck, what is wrong here, that this
person wants to be this cruel?....What’s wrong with me.
However, while she experienced tremendous pain from relationships ending, that
pain facilitated her to seek personal healing. Participant 2 described this as “…so I was
[age] when that relationship ended and I went through a very, very bad breakdown and
that’s when I started my really… therapy work with my therapist who I’d been with for a
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long time.” As this healing progressed, she found “…and then I did move into a place
where I started to really build up self-confidence and I started to love being on my own.”
She described:
…so I moved into a period of being a bit… of being hermitic and just healing and
like figuring out what I needed and it felt very self-loving, even though it was
painful, but it was like controlled pain, I guess, in a way.…I didn’t have to answer
to anybody.…I didn’t have to feel pain, I didn’t have to… I didn’t have to feel
insecure.
Structural Description for Participant 2
The universal structures for Participant 2 relate to causality, time, relation to self,
relation to others, and bodily concerns. This section will discuss how her thoughts and
feelings are aroused in romantic relationships.
Causality. Causality has played a major role in romantic relationships for
Participant 2. Her parental role models around relationship beliefs and behaviors, her
actual relationship beliefs and behaviors, and her partner selection have all impacted her
relationships, mostly in a negative manner. She saw her mother suffer due to her father’s
infidelity. As a result, she had a deep fear of a partner’s infidelity. However, she had
numerous affairs on her first university boyfriend. Her stepmother ingrained the beliefs
that she had to keep her man happy and look a certain way, and treat him a certain way.
…[S]he was all sexual prowess, so my idea was, I’m going to have to stand off of
the sexual game; I’m going to have to [be] predatory, I’m going to have to be
withholding, I’m going to have to be attractive, I’m going to have to… just
because at some point, I won’t have any of those things and then my husband will
be gone….I’m always going to be in conflict with other women….So I was
always on my toes and terrified of being traded up.
Her most significant adult relationship, excepting her first relationship in
university, ended due to his infidelity. This resulted in a nervous breakdown; she said
“…you know, it was a tremendous thing and I really unzipped and got underneath a lot of
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this stuff that was eating away at me.” Ironically, she felt safe and secure with this exboyfriend and did not believe he would have an affair, until she sensed he was having one
near the ending of their relationship, and he was.
The relationship partners that Participant 2 chose impacted her relationship
happiness. While her first boyfriend in university was trustworthy and safe, thereafter she
chose men who were withdrawing emotionally and non-committal, and one who was not
able to give her space. Despite her efforts at healthy relationship behavior, healthy
relating and communicating was not possible due to her partner selection.
Yeah, but like… we literally had a conversation where he said, you and I have
different personalities; it’s not possible. And I said, but it… we have an
opportunity here; why don’t you tell me what you need? I can tell you what I need
and let’s talk about it; everything’s possible, but he really didn’t want to, like, he
was just so dug-in. So he just put up walls; he just said, no, that conversation’s not
possible – you’re A and I’m B and I won’t do it. And then it got to the point
where he said, if you think you can solve this problem, you solve it and you come
present it to me. And I said, I don’t know, because I don’t want to speak for you,
but you have to be part of this process with me. And he said… and he just… I
mean, it was actually just absurd and so finally I realized, [name of Participant 2],
he’s not interested; shut up. So I just let it go.
Further, her ongoing belief that there was someone better for her caused her to
never be fully satisfied with the person she was with, albeit the chosen partners were not
meeting her relationship needs. “It was that thing again of not being satisfied and
shopping for… the one.” It is possible that this belief was a form of self-protection in
case she got hurt. She also never really had to be fully in the relationship if she felt that
there was someone better for her.
So I was always feeling like there’s something better, there’s going to be someone
who’s more in line with my soul, or… Somehow it’s just… it just wasn’t… it just
wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t the right match; it wasn’t like a soul resonance.
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Time. The structure of time further impacted Participant 2’s relationship choices.
She often felt embarrassed for being single, especially when her friends were with
partners.
So even though I felt like I was a pariah, I was so ashamed, like I was
embarrassed in grad school; I just felt like everyone thought I was a loser, because
I was single and because I was in my mid to late thirties at the time. And the
people in the first year were all ten years younger than me, but the people who
came in the second year were all my age and they were all hooked up. All of my
friends were hooked up.
While she described herself as being selective about partners, a driving force for
some of her choices which did not appear to be selective seemed to be that time was
passing, and she was single. “Because there was no good reason other than I wasn’t so
into him, but I wasn’t kind of willing to admit that to myself. There was nothing else for
me, I felt.” Further, her age seemed to put an internal self-judgment and time pressure on
her to find a mate. “He lived in [name of city that childhood sweetheart was from] and he
had contacted me through our website for old school and I was so vulnerable and I was
forty; he was bearing down on me.”
Relation to self. The structure of relation to self impacted Participant 2 in
romantic relationships. As stated, she felt that when she was in the relationships, the
feeling that there could be someone even better for her.
But I wanted… it was intellectual for me; I wanted someone to engage me on a
very... it seemed like, at the time, a very high intellectual level, but it also seemed
like a very deep soul level, but I couldn’t have articulated what that was. I have a
better idea now, looking back.
This very high standard seemed to impact her to not be content, and even when
she was in a relationship, she was not fully in it. This is possibly a way that the comfort
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zone of being in pursuit of a relationship, versus being in an actual relationship played
out.
Her relationship to herself impacted her partnership selection. She would notice
things that she did not find appealing about the guy, physically or characteristically, and
she would always continue into the relationship, to find that this became a relationship
issue, versus trusting her gut reaction and being selective.
Discover is almost too strong a word, because I go in pretty much with the
information that unfolds. It’s not a… none of it ever comes as surprise. [It is]
probably some desperation on my part to be with someone.
Her relation to self impacted her relationship beliefs and behaviors. She feels
defective and unlovable due to her mother’s mental health and personality disorder. She
has a belief that if she is in a relationship, she is worthy, valued, attractive, and lovable.
“You know, that I was attractive and loving and…[worthwhile], [lovable]. That’s right
and that’s how I felt; I felt all those things, like I had much more confidence about my
lovability in those days.” She had expectations of partners who just did not have the
capacity to love her the way she needed them to. She believed that if she gave to her
partners, they would give to her.
I was still in that position of giving to get, so I felt so needed by him and I just felt
like I’m going to meet all this guy’s needs and then my needs are all going to be
met. [laughs].
She would try effective communication with these individuals who did not have
the capacity to reciprocate this. Yet, she would internalize this again as her own lack of
lovability. Further, when relationships terminated, she felt not good enough.
Relation to other. For Participant 2, relation to others has impacted romantic
relationships. She actually had the best relationship she has ever had in her first
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university relationship. However, she could not respect him by being faithful to him, and
played out the infidelity that her father did with her mother. Thereafter she chose
withdrawing and non-committal partners who would not meet her emotional or
relationship needs, and this triggered feelings of anxiety and ongoing upset that she felt in
relationships. She wanted very intense connections, but these also triggered feelings of
anxiety.
But I felt like I was never enough and that, in the very beginning, he was very,
very attentive and into me and there was a lot of intensity to our connection, but
when it was intense and he was intensely focused, I became really anxious, like,
it’s not real; he’s going to fall out of love with me; another woman will come by
and I’ll be finished.
Her fear of him leaving would lead to crying and sadness. “But then I went to…
you know, I really participated in making it an uncomfortable environment, because I felt
really sad about the fact that, fuck, again…” [another relationship did not work out].
Sometimes she wanted her partners to see her crying so that they would understand that
she was hurting; she was hoping that they would try to rectify the situation and soothe
her.
I guess I just wish he could have come over and put his arms around me and tell
me that it was okay and we were going to make it through, and what could we do
together and make it better.
Often, however, she was met with his withdrawing behaviors that further caused
her to feel isolated and alone. When the anxiety from relationship upset gets too high, she
self soothes through the fantasy of being on her own or finding “the one”.
When she did attempt relationship issue resolution, she seemed to range between
being demanding of their connection and interaction during upsets to indifference, and
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potentially confused or even scared them with this wide range of emotionality and
behaviors.
…And you know, there were a couple of times when I went and I just gave him
these really big hugs and just said, you know, like it’s going to be okay. And he
just was so uncomfortable; he sort of laughed and that… almost like a teenage
boy, like, what are you doing?
Finally, when the relationships began to terminate, or thereafter, she did have the
self respect to acknowledge this and end the relationship herself, or not engage in
attempts to get them back. “So… and yeah, it… I ended it, but he would basically…
behaved in such a way that, you know, he just didn’t have the courage to do the deed, but
he just…” [wanted me to break up with him]. However, this was after a fantasy of
resolution, despite evidence for this to be possible.
Part of it was also just to see if like, is there a way that we could live through this
and maybe come out the other side and just --- [a hopeful fantasy that maybe,
somehow…] And it didn’t, but the drive home [across the country] was actually
not bad at all, but that was because I completely shifted my consciousness and ---.
However, she deeply internalized the loss as failing again and being defective and
unlovable.
Bodily concerns. The final structure of bodily concerns for Participant 2
addresses her deep need and craving for physical contact to feel loved. She used flirting
and sexual activity as a means to obtain physical hugging, holding, and eye contact.
It’s interesting now that I’m saying it out loud: even though I used my sexuality to
connect with people, what I was dying for was conversation….It would be by
being so flirtatious that it would precipitate sexual contact….I mean, I wanted the
physical contact; I wanted to be held….And I used the sex to get close, but the
hope always was for it to lead to a relationship of equal partnerships and
conversation and I didn’t really see the disconnect between the sexual activity and
the building of a relationship.
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Textural-Structural Description for Participant 2
For Participant 2, the structure of causality includes the impact of her parent’s
relationship with each other and how they treated her. Further, she holds an awareness of
what happened with each of her relationship partners, and she knows the impact of those
unviable relationships. She also has a strong awareness around her mate selection of
withdrawing partners, and how that impacted the quality of her relationships. Second, she
had little or no support system at previous times, and this caused her to choose guys who
paid attention to her, even though she knew they were not right for her. Third, regarding
partner selection, Participant 2 is constantly in search for “the one” regardless of whether
she is in relationship. She has predominantly chosen partners who were emotionally
withdrawn and non-committal and who triggered her to be emotional and seek attention.
Fourth, the negative relationship beliefs of Participant 2 caused her grief. In particular,
her deep fear of a partner’s infidelity was a self-fulfilling prophecy. These beliefs were
impacted by her step-mother as well as her parents. Her insecurities, ways she felt that
she needed to relate to men, and her sense of unlovability were drivers of these. Her
beliefs were also spurred her relationship behavior, and these stemmed around the
excessive focus and need to get into relationships, and then to try to make viable those
relationships that could not work, only to feel bad about herself and perpetuate upset
emotions.
The structure of time was most significant for Participant 2 due to the felt sense
that time was passing by, and she wanted and needed to get into a relationship.
Comparison of her relationship to status to others and their relative stages of life were in
her awareness as she lived through those stages.
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The structure of relation to self was greatly influenced by her lack of secure
connections growing up. She had a limited support system as an adult, which drove her to
connect to unsuitable men, as she felt that any connection could be better than no
connection. She felt not good enough, and questioned her own value. This tenuous view
of self caused her to not trust in her gut, to continue to proceed into relationships where
she knew deep down they were wrong and she did not listen to herself, and to overattribute partners’ negative relating to her as something about her, versus their bad
relationship behavior. She ultimately enjoyed being single once she moved past the selfjudgment, and it brought her solace as she did not have upsetting relationships to deal
with.
The structure of relation to others was the ongoing quest to find the perfect “one”.
As a result, no man was ever good enough for her, albeit some of her choices were truly
unviable ones. Due to her choices, they related to her in a withdrawn and non-committal
manner, with the overall theme of her not getting her emotional needs met, them being
unskilled at relationships, and poor relationship behavior ensuing on both sides.
However, when she did exhibit positive relationship behaviors, for example of good
communication and conflict resolution, they were not able to reciprocate, and the
relationships were unfulfilling, upsetting, and the opposite of soothing of her upsets
occurred. She was able to terminate relationships when necessary, but often held the
fantasy of relationship resolution even when this was clearly not workable.
Finally, the structure of bodily concerns was an impetus for her to connect to
guys. What she really wanted was to be held and connected to, and to have good
conversations, but this was the means through which she knew how to do this.
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Participant 3
The following section describes the textural, structural, and textural-structural
descriptions for this participant.
Textural Description for Participant 3
Strong, intense feelings. For Participant 3, in the early stages of relationships,
she has felt strong, intense feelings. In the early stages of relationships, she thinks about
the guys a lot, and tends to be preoccupied with them.
Um, well …the romantic relationships I’ve had with guys that I’ve really had
strong feelings for…I feel like the beginning has always been a bit of whirlwind
with those kinds of whatever - chemicals rush through your body like a drug; I
just get a really, really happy feeling and think about the guy a lot, probably; I
kind of feel like he’s on my mind constantly, no matter what else I’m doing; I
guess occasionally if I’m really involved in something enough, maybe I’ll go
through a little bit of time where I haven’t thought about the guy, but as soon as
I’m done with that, he’ll be there again.
Later in the relationships, as upsets occur, she feels intense upset, which include
crying and/or anxiety.
Anyway, so at first I didn’t respond because I felt like I got – my state of anxiety
was probably the highest that I’d ever experienced. I was crying all the time. I felt
like I was the closest – there were moments where I felt closest to having panic
attacks outside of a few minor little panic attacks I’ve had on airplanes and was
really scared. There were similar physical symptoms – felt sure I felt lightheaded
and felt – really irrational, too and just really emotional.
Relationship beliefs. Participant 3 has some relationship beliefs that enhance her
romantic relationships, and other beliefs that detract from the relationships. Beliefs that
have enhanced her relationships include: wanting a weekend to go well for both partners,
wanting a healthy, committed relationship, and wanting to be a supportive girlfriend, and
to be “a team.”
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I guess I’d love to have daily contact, that would be fantastic, but I want it to sort
of happen. Rather than saying this is a need I have, so that whenever I hear from
its because they are genuinely thinking of me or contact me, it’s because I said I
need it, and I guess I feel that for some things that seems to make sense –
somebody can’t read my mind, and yet there is this sort of reciprocity that I feel
that - it’s like I need this undeclared reciprocity, or like a natural reciprocity so I
that feel like I can trust that they genuinely want to be there with me.
Some relationship beliefs of Participant 3 that have detracted from her
relationships include: not being able to read and appropriately respond when her partner
just wants space.
And I guess I start to interpret a need for space as a need to get distance from me
personally and that starts that kind of an obsession going where I start to think,
‘Oh, if they really liked me, they’d be calling me all the time’, so I start to look at
their style of relating as kind of a judgment about how much they like me.
Other relationship beliefs can be attributed to her negative view of self.
View of self. Participant 3 would wonder “what’s wrong with me?” when a
relationship terminated or when she was treated poorly by a partner. She “blames”
herself for her relationship status. Given her good intentions to be accommodating to a
boyfriend’s difficult situation, this would result in her feeling like a “doormat”. In
relationships, she would feel like she was “the lucky one” and that she would have to see
them as much as possible, because there would be an inevitable termination of the
relationship.
She wants a very accomplished guy for a romantic partner, as she stated that this
would allow her to feel “cooler,” “smarter,” and “better about herself.”
Relationship behavior. Participant 3 has, at times, sincerely tried to
communicate what she needed from her partners and how she needs to receive attention
and affection in order to feel cared for. She was highly empathetic and accommodating to
her boyfriend at the time when his father was ill. “And, I tried to be really understanding,
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um, and he was really appreciative of my patience and understanding”. She has difficulty
giving her boyfriends’ “space” as it feels to her that she needs to hang onto them in case
the relationship ends. “When I get that into somebody, I somehow have a hard time letting them have the space that they need.” This further translates into her pursuit of
them when they are not pursuing her, and their pursuit of her when she is not.
Relationship termination behavior. Participant 3 gets very upset when
relationships end and are ending. She described:
….but it was only a few months and I actually ended it, and I ended it with this
recent guy even though every part of my being did not want to. But I felt like I
had exhausted all the avenues and I felt like I was backed into a corner. I started
feeling like I had let myself become a doormat, and that’s not the first time.
However, she would then feel very badly about herself.
And yet I feel like it’s also counterproductive because in the end I blame myself
for the guy not being that interested because I was too needy or I was too
available and then I get into this cycle of doubt.
She has a hard time letting go of relationships, and is sad at their loss. “I broke up
with almost a year ago, and I’m not over it yet; I think about him all the time.” She also
gets very upset and anxious when relationships actually terminate or are about to. She
remains in a hopeful fantasy that her ex-partner will reconnect with her, despite being
told that they are no longer interested, and their behavior is commensurate with that.
Partner selection and the impact of partner’s relationship behavior toward
her. Participant 3 did have many lovely interactions with her boyfriends.
[He] seemed like the coolest guy ever and was physically very attractive – and um
- and – he was very charming and he was really very focused on me when we
were together and gave me a lot of attention. It felt really good.
There were times when they did try to reassure and soothe her. However, overall, the
boyfriends seemed to be unavailable or unwilling to meet her needs. “Instead, my
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experiences are that I fall for an unavailable guy and I just keep trying to work it into
what I want to be, and…I can’t get that from them.” She seemed to be far more
comfortable either being the pursuer of, or in a yearning state for a relationship. “I had
always worried that whenever a guy showed interest in me, I’d run away, and if I was
really interested in a guy, he’d run away…” On the other hand, her view and expectation
of how she should feel when meeting a partner is possibly a contributory factor to
choosing the wrong guys.
I can't bring myself – like I can’t even want to be physically involved with
somebody unless I have these strong emotions - so I end up pulling away from
relationships if I don’t feel that kind of initial chemistry, I guess.
She was not attracted to guys who were interested.
I have this weird aversion to guys who seem interested. Although this guy was
clearly interested in me – the recent one - in a way that didn’t put me off at all but
I don’t know, I think I have maybe an unrealistic vision of who I see myself with,
or something. I find when it seems like I find a guy who is more interested and
available for a relationship - I think - I get turned off or something – this word has
come up for me in this context a lot – anyway, they seem kind of insipid – like and kind of like - ineffectual people. It’s like this gut reaction: I’m just not
attracted to them. I feel like this - I feel that I’m repelled away and so this recent
guy – what’s the difference? He was demonstrating clear interest in me and
pursuing me but I think there is something – this kind of independent streak in
him - that felt safer for me somehow. [sigh]
She would experience her boyfriends as not calling or texting when they said they
would, or canceling plans, and not respecting her boundaries. “I live so close and he
didn’t even try to knock on my door, or send me an e-mail saying sorry about last night
or can I come over and apologize; nothing like that.” They did not agree to her reasonable
requests in the relationship, and when she gave them required feedback. “And that did
come up at one point: he said he feels like he is always disappointing me.” Other times
she would experience moodiness or a tone from them.
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And then there are other times with this recent guy where it was mostly with him
just being in a bad mood – and him being a bit – there were a few times that he
got a bit snappy with me.
This ultimately made her feel needy and that they might not want to stay with her.
Anxious feelings due to his behavior toward her. Participant 3 had anxious
feelings when her boyfriends’ were not thoughtful or were disrespectful.
So then we could only communicate by email and then I started feeling really
abandoned in a way because he only lived a few blocks away from me; it was so
easy to stop and knock on my door or to email and say can I come over.
She would have a sense it was time to go or boyfriend needed space, yet she would not be
able to give it to him.
And so I ended up staying until it was like the last moment - he almost had to sort
of like tell me to go, and I would have felt better, I guess, looking back if I had
been able to graciously leave in a reassuring way but also in a strong way, like
strong within myself, in a confident way. And I wasn’t able to do that and I felt
kind of weak and vulnerable and I felt pretty anxious and I got really tongue tied
and nervous feeling and I hadn’t really felt that way with him before.
She started to feel ongoing insecurity in her last relationship after an upset that occurred.
And then it was from that point forward where things – we just carried on in that
direction. Throughout the remaining few months that we were together, I felt
insecure a lot of the time, I felt like I was really was really noticing every single
time he would mention that he would talk to me later or he would call me later
and then I didn’t really hear from him.
Structural Description for Participant 3
The universal structures for Participant 3 are relation to self, bodily concerns,
relation to others, and time. This section will discuss how her thoughts and feelings are
aroused in romantic relationships.
Relation to self. First, regarding relation to self, her view of self impacts her
ability to sustain a relationship, which triggers her sense that boyfriends’ will ultimately
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leave her, leading to smothering behavior toward her partner, and the ultimate demise of
the relationship. Participant 3 seems to feel defective and unlovable at some levels, and
almost entitled to an amazing partner on other levels. The defective feeling often is
triggered around relationship upsets or upon relationship termination.
In that sense it’s as though I just don't feel that I have a right to be there or
something - like clearly there must be something wrong with me and I just need to
make it up to this person and it’s hard for me to just…here I am and this is my
experience – and this is how I feel and how do you feel - and I feel nervous
instead of calm and present and nervous and apologetic or or… a little bit of a
minor frantic feeling of like – oh my god we are having conflict and this could
break everything and I need to make sure that - I need to smooth this over as
quickly as possible.
Second, Participant 3 has a deep fear that she will be all alone when her parents
ultimately have both passed away. Further, she feels that if she does something wrong in
the relationship that it might be over. This could include telling the guy that she loves
him, or an actual or perceived wrongdoing by her from her partner’s perspective. Finally,
there is a deep belief that she is the “lucky one” in the relationship, and that the
relationship will ultimately end, so she will get as much as she can from it before this
occurs.
I feel like I make myself really available because I really want to see them and
you know it’s as though these guys – these few relationships I’ve had – where I
like them so much – there’s almost this sensation that I'm the lucky one – or
something, so if I’m not always available - then they’ll go off and they’ll be fine
without me; they’ll go off and find someone else.
Further, Participant 3 would get very panicky when relationships would start to conclude.
Anything would set me off and I felt panicky about it all falling apart because I
was panicky that that meant I was going to be alone forever. Panicky that he was
‘the one’ and it was falling away, kind of.
Third, her relationship termination behavior shows that she is actually able to
terminate relationships when they are clearly not working. There is a feeling for her that
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by the time this occurs, the guy has emotionally left the relationship, and it is her only
alternative. However, she feels deeply sad when it ends, like it is a “death”. She also
yearns for the guy for a substantial period of time after the relationship ends, and hopes
that he will return to her, peaking her hopes through what she perceives as evidence of
his interest, yet there is no actual evidence that he would want to resume the relationship.
Like I can’t…possibly imagine that I will meet someone else as great who I’ll
love that much and who I will want to be with that strongly, so all of my hopes
and dreams are on this one guy. Most people tell me hasn’t earned that. This is
where my inner conflict about this… there is the emotional me and the rational
me and I think I experienced this emotional versus rational conflict in my
relationships with these guys a lot and then that kind of gets me in this push pull
thing and even after-the-fact – even after the breakup I still feel the push pull
within myself. I often have to stop myself from calling him. My mom says - now
– she knows I keep talking to him and she said [P3’s name] even since the
breakup he hasn’t even made any overtures toward you. It tells me he doesn’t
want – that it’s not as big a deal for him. I just keep finding that I look for a
reason to excuse behavior that’s not pointing in the right direction. I think I just so
desperately want to believe that it’s working or that right now I so desperately
want to hold onto this fantasy that one day he will knock on my door and we’ll
get back together and we’ll be in this glorious relationship that I always imagined.
And so I'll just find any way to justify the actions that are - I think supposedly
showing me that he’s not interested.
Further, her bond to the guy is not commensurate with what the relationship was, nor
how he treated her.
…with this most recent guy…over this past year when I was trying to get over
him…I felt as though I get like I’m some kind of like baby animal and this human
handler finds the animal …and that animal imprints – it’s like this imprinting
bonding process on me … and then I can’t be without the handler; I’m at a loss
without the handler and I can't be without the handler. And I feel as though he's
imprinted on me, like I’m fundamentally at an evolutionary level like I need him
and that is why I can’t seem to get over him.
Bodily concerns. Bodily concerns play out for Participant 3 in that she needs and
wants high touch with her partners. Cuddling and physical connection bring her comfort
and are very important to her. At the outset of relationships this is very enjoyable for her.
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She felt naïve when she was potentially starting a new relationship and just wanted to
cuddle after a date (as she had done in at least one previous relationship), and she almost
got raped. However, she ended up getting into a relationship with this guy. She espoused
part of the reason for this was to “use him for his body” to have a sexual relationship, but
there also seemed to be an underlying fantasy that they could become a viable couple.
I thought ‘oh by sleeping with him, then he’s going to develop feelings – and then
he was going to like me and somehow be this better person’….Yeah, like
somehow what had happened in the middle was an anomaly or what had
happened in the middle was somehow my fault – or my reaction to it was
somehow unreasonable or something like that.
However, it is possible that deciding to have sex with him was a way to try to reengage her own power. “It was like, you know, I’m going to be defiant and I’m going to
have … I’m going to decide I’m going to have sex with him.” It is possible that she used
sexuality as a means to a potential relationship, yet her partner choice is highly
questionable.
Relation to others. Participant 3’s relation to others overall is very positive,
communicative, accommodating, understanding, and she has a long term goal of being a
team and partnership. She is well intended as a partner, and wants to do the right thing.
However, her intensity toward the relationship is high, and her belief that if she gives
them space they may not view the relationship as important ultimately causes her to not
give them space, and they feel frustrated and irritated by her. At the outset of the
relationship, she is excited and hopeful, almost “high” on the new relationship and the
good feelings that it provides for her. She frequently thinks of the guy and even if
distracted, returns to thinking about him.
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Participant 3’s partner selection directly impacts how she relates to these others.
She finds guys who are available and interested in her “insipid”, “ineffectual”, and she is
“repelled” by them. Further, her lack of interest in what she deems “insipid” would likely
possibly provide her with a secure relationship, yet by choosing unavailable men or
relationships that are doomed at the early outset, she is actually safe from being in a real
relationship.
Yeah, it’s kind of – it’s like I look to these men who I think I look up to and if I
can get their love and their approval then somehow that validates me. And if I
can’t get it, I seek it because I need it to feel good about myself. And when it’s
gone I feel totally distraught and empty and alone and terrible about myself. And I
do wonder why I’m like this. Like on the surface you’d think I have a lot of
confidence, I have accomplished a lot of things, but deep down, I really feel a lack
of confidence… and in relationships. And, I think sometimes if I’m really faced
with an opportunity to really have a relationship, with these insipid guys, it’s not
so much that I don’t trust them for liking me, but I think there’s a part of me that’s
actually scared of what I would really be in a relationship. And then what? It’s
almost easier to fantasize about a relationship about somebody you can’t have one
with because it can always be an ideal. But then I get a broken heart. It’s like I
don’t have to actually get involved in the work of a relationship, I’m always just
trying to get into one. [laughs]
Her comfort level seems to be “in pursuit” of a man who is of very high caliber
which will ultimately positively reflect on her “self-image”.
And I guess I feel like somehow –I don’t know – I guess this feeling of
acceptance by somebody who I deem to be cooler or smarter or more
accomplished or somehow more of an authority on life. I’m still figuring that out,
but I feel in those moments with these guys - I feel better about myself - when
they like me.
She finds that she is either in pursuit of him or he is in pursuit of her, so this leaves the
actual partnership and being a team a fantasy versus a reality.
I feel as though I easily get - I feel like - if I really like someone that the second
they start maybe pulling away a tiny bit – I will start to seek them and I feel like I
get into this push pull and it happened with the first one – it probably happened
with all of these relationships – then it’s like this downward spiral because I get
so drawn into this feeling of neediness because I’m constantly grasping at them
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and the more I grasp the more I feel like they run – the more they run, the more I
grasp and I keep finding myself in that scenario and I don't know how to either –
to not be in that scenario, to get out of it – to not let it start in the first place.
Further, the “fantasy” of whom she chooses is not based on fact and can be dangerous
choices, such as the guy who almost raped her.
I didn’t realize that I felt kind of – feeling kind of - ashamed – the way that I
didn’t handle it, the way that I dealt with it. That I went back and continued
seeing him. I don’t know; maybe it was a month, two months, and it…. It was a
justification to somehow leave open this door for a strange fantasy about having a
relationship with him.
It is possible that the thought of being almost raped was so terrifying to her that
she turned the situation into a fantasy relationship. “I still think that I wanted – I still had
this kind of fantasy that we must’ve had an actual relationship.” This possibility is further
illustrated by Participant 3’s thoughts:
I felt a wave of feeling ashamed at the time, too. Uh, I think the emotional
anguish I went through after that ending was more about me – more about how
could I let myself get into that situation. How could I go back to him? How could
I have – you know – like, given myself to him. And I felt like an idiot; I felt pretty
down on myself….
What also leaves her in a pursuing state often is her partners’ withdrawing
behavior toward her and/or the relationship. At the outset of the relationships, there is
closeness and cuddling, but then her desire for so much time together or her wrong
partner choice leaves her upset, frustrated, broken hearted, feeling anxious because he
might leave her, or feeling foolish for getting involved in the first place.
The relationships reach an ultimate state of terminal demise, and she does
conclude the relationships because she knows there is no other alternative.
And I actually ended it, and I ended it with this recent guy even though every part
of my being did not want to. But I felt like I had exhausted all the avenues and I
felt like I was backed into a corner. I started feeling like I had let myself become
a doormat, and that’s not the first time.
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However, as previously stated, she has a hard time letting go, and fantasizes that
the guy will have a change of heart and come back to her. There may be a deep seated
view that she will ultimately be alone, and her goal of connection with other is elusive.
“It takes me to a deep pit of loneliness and I feel as though – you know - that I will
always be alone, like I’ll always be single, I won’t get to experience that feeling of
partnership.”
Time. The structure of time has impacted Participant 3 around romantic
relationships. At the outset of relationships, there is an intense preoccupation and “high”
as she enjoys the new connection. Further, she wants to spend as much time with the guy
as possible because she feels that the relationship will ultimately end so she needs to get
as much enjoyment in as she can.
And I have to take every opportunity to see them because maybe it will end or
something. And yet I feel like it’s also counterproductive because in the end I
blame myself for the guy not being that interested because I was too needy or I
was too available and then I get into this cycle of doubt….
She believes that she will have one great love per decade. Her view that she has to
be highly attracted to the guy to get involved has likely impacted her to have fewer
relationships. There is an impending doom of being alone and loneliness once her parents
pass away. Finally, she grieves fairly extensively for her lost loves. She has been grieving
and hoping for the return of her last boyfriend of only a few months, for over one year.
Textural-Structural Description for Participant 3
Participant 3’s relation to self and others resulted in her having strong, intense
feelings in romantic relationships. She has a sense of being defective and has low selfesteem and experiences the other as enhancing her image. She wants to choose partners
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who enhance her sense of self-worth. However, she typically chooses partners whom she
has a high sexual chemistry with, and who let her down and ultimately withdraw from
her. She feels she has to spend as much time as she can with them, as the relationship will
ultimately end. She has a fear of losing the partner and being alone. She fears that she
will do something wrong to cause it to end. At the outset of relationships, she experiences
a “chemical rush”, and as the partner begins to withdraw from her, she experiences
“anxiety” and “panic” and the sense that she will be alone forever.
She has a belief that relationships should evolve naturally and that the boyfriend
should want to spend a lot of time with her and this would represent his interest in her.
While she understands the concept of having space in relationships, and genuinely
attempts to be a supportive partner, she seems to seek frequent contact as a measure of
her boyfriend’s interest in her. She uses sexual contact as a means of establishing a
relationship.
When relationships terminate, Participant 3 feels like the ending is a reflection of
her lack of worth or importance. She yearns for the other to want her and awaits his
return, with no evidence of his interest in resuming the relationship. She views herself as
having one main relationship per decade, so the sense of a lengthy time alone until the
next partner, and possibly forever is a haunting thought for her.
Participant 6
The following section describes the textural, structural, and textural-structural
descriptions for this participant.
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Textural Description for Participant 6
Partner selection – physically and emotionally withdrawing. Participant 6
chose a husband who was physically and emotionally withdrawing, from the outset of the
dating relationship. “I was married for twenty three years, so I wouldn’t say being
married is romance, but there was some romance at the beginning….But it quickly was
over for me.” She made many efforts to understand him sexually and to try to improve
the romantic passion in the relationship. This transcended to not feeling loved or
connected to him.
So I realized… I felt my husband unloving and I wasn’t getting love from him. I
mean, in fact, in bed he’d say, don’t touch me, like I don’t… I’d say, well don’t
you want to cuddle after sex, or before? No, no, because that… it would make me
too hot. I said, well, we could take the blankets off. He’d go, well no. So I
would start to ask, well what about in the winter, when…? No. So I would be in
bed like this [Participant 6 made a gesture of being rigid and arms to the side, and
not taking up much space], because he didn’t want to touch me. And then we had
a very low sex marriage.
In addition to her physical needs not being met, her emotional needs were also not
met as is evident in her felt sense of not getting compassion from her husband.
So I did that and I could go every day for whatever it was – three months – and so
I remember one day, I was just exhausted and I didn’t really want to go that day
and he said, why aren’t you going? Like you’ve got to… as if this whole scenario
was back on my… still back, whatever, my shoulders to solve the problem. I just
went… there’s no empathy or compassion, so I felt there was no compassion in
the marriage….
Partner’s relationship behavior toward her and her relationship behavior. A
key role that her husband played with her was to blame her for his lack of success and he
expected her to carry the load of the family. “Oh, it was just… and then he’d complain
that I wasn’t making enough money and that I… he was… his business wasn’t successful
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because of me.” Participant 6 played a role of “fixer” of his messes. She is a bright and
successful professional and capable mother who was able to do this.
I ended up… I… I guess worked a lot, made more money than him, then he lost
his job, then I worked at home, which is… I had to organise so the kids go to
school, I work, then he lost his job so he started to work at home….
In addition to her husband blaming Participant 6, he also bullied her to the point
that she would give in to his taunts and requests.
So anyway, this… all that tension left and he still… then he went into his mancave – deeply – and would come out and do things like turn the lights on and
bother me. The only time he’d talk would be to tell me what to do and so I felt I
had to be like this passive and then I got really pissed off, because I’m working
for us, I’m fixing things and then, for him, I had to be Miss Okay-whatever-youwant.
There was an ongoing six year issue of him having piles of papers in their bedroom. Her
husband’s response was to call her “crazy” in front of their kids.
So then one day, I just went, okay, I have absolutely had this and so then I think I
was crying, because I was so scared of challenging him, but I just had to get rid
of… so I put them (papers) in little piles and moved them down to another more
cleared area and then he said, oh, look at Mum, isn’t she crazy? Look at her, what
a nutcase she is. Your mum’s just gone off the deep end. And of course, they
(kids) don’t say anything.
Current insights. Participant 6’s current insights were around key aspects of her
denial from the outset and duration of the relationship when she would not allow her
inner knowing to come forward. “The first kiss that I’d had with him, when it was awful,
I wouldn’t have… that would be it.” However, she admits that, “I didn’t know; I thought
it was just… I hadn’t dated for maybe two or three years seriously and I thought, oh
well, maybe guys are just… their libidos have gone [laughs]…”
What she also denied throughout the relationship was how abhorrent her
husband’s behavior was. At the end of the relationship, he pushed her down some stairs.
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Yeah, assault. And then I was interviewed by the police. He was… the police
gave him a no contact order for two years for me. He had to go and live with a
friend; there was a surety bond. He couldn’t contact the one daughter that was
home with us that time.
It was the validation from the crown attorney that allowed her to see how angry he was.
But yeah, so it was verifying for me to talk to the crown attorney, who just said…
because initially she hadn’t seen… it was just the file, so she went to make sure
she saw him afterwards. And she called me; she goes, oh, what a piece of work. I
said, what? She said, well I just looked at his face and the way he was and he just
looked like an angry person. But it just gave me such validation… I mean, I’m
shaking saying this, because up to then, it was all my fault.
Feelings due to his behavior toward her. Participant 6 had many upset feelings
throughout her marriage including the previously described emotional and physical
loneliness, the sense that she had to fix things, and that things were her fault. The
interactions with her husband would often result in her feeling panicky and shaky.
[Silence] He said, “You walked down that stairs”… the stairs - because he would
often be in the basement doing something – “to accuse me”. And I said, I never
did that; I came down to have a conversation with you, because I haven’t seen you
for a couple of hours and it’s eight o’clock at night [laughs], or something like
that… and I just wondered what you were doing. No, you didn’t. I said, [name
of Participant 6’s ex-husband]… Stop talking to me, and he said, if you don’t be
quiet, I’m not going to talk to you. So then I get all shaky like that, I said, don’t
do that to me; whatever you want, I’ll do – that’s what I would say. And then I
would feel like… I can’t… and say… that sort of thing.
In addition to the emotional and physical abuse and neglect, she also felt like she
was “responsible” for the whole family, because she was, and that she was not “living”.
But I think I like [name of Participant 6]. The [name of Participant 6]… [full
name of Participant 6] back then was… I just felt like I was… trapped in a cave, I
guess that was it. There was a life out there somewhere; I wasn’t part of it, I was
-- ….[The cave] Just… with this person that I lived with and my life and the three
kids. And I felt responsible for the kids, what they were doing, but then I felt
responsible for him and it was like living a life for five people, but I felt I wasn’t
living.
Further, in addition to carrying the load and being lonely, she felt “empty”.
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Well, I felt empty in myself, like there really wasn’t a relationship… I mean, there
was a relationship because there are two people, so I guess by definition that’s a
relationship, but I didn’t feel there was any connection, and I can say that now
with conviction.
Relationship beliefs. The previous paragraphs reflect some of Participant 6’s
relationship beliefs of thinking men have low libidos, that she has to fix things, and that
she has to take on responsibility. She also had the belief that the relationship would
improve based on no evidence.
Oh yeah, that he would switch and change and he’d be oh, like, I’m sorry, I
realize I’ve been wrong and I understand how my behaviour has hurt you and I
realize that you do have feelings and you need to be respected and loved… and
like have tender… and be… treated with compassion and tenderness and love
and… yeah, in other words, a switch.
Another belief that she held was that she would get her emotional needs met from
her children. “Mama had her hands full, but Mama also felt that that’s where my
emotional world was.” She would take great pleasure spending time with her children.
“We’d (the kids and I) lie in bed reading so they could go to sleep….”
View of self. Participant 6’s view of self reflected a sense of low self-esteem and
defectiveness.
I mean, at the time I kept thinking, if only I do this, he’ll stop, or, what did I do?
And I was just always like this, so whatever he threw at me, I would just be like,
oh my god, oh my god, not even thinking if there’s a basis.
She had the belief that she had to fix things because they were her fault. “Well,
that’s what it felt like and it’s my fault, so why….I had to fix it….It was [rough]… Well,
and then I just said, just suck it up and deal with it – self talk.”
As she matured, she improved her self-esteem and engaged in more effective
boundary setting.
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So this was near the… like I finally fought back. ‘Just leave then; you’re not
coming in… turn the light off’. I said, ‘I’ll just turn the light off; you can stand
there if you want, but eventually I’ll turn the light on, but I’m just having a
pleasant moment, because I like the sunset and I imagine my… our neighbour
who recently died, that she’s still there, and I like this view’.”
She related an incident closer to the ending of their marriage:
He said, ‘don’t come… don’t come in this room’. I said, ‘this is my bedroom too.
Don’t come in’. I said, ‘you can’t tell that to me anymore’. I said, ‘I mean, you
can… you can say it, but I’m not going to listen to this’.
Relationship termination feelings. Despite the many years of her difficult
marriage, Participant 6 described the ending as, “Yeah, sad, because even though it’s
over, it’s a loss of something that was there.” As the police took her husband away after
he assaulted her, she thought:
I didn’t want him back; I wanted normal… like some sort of balance and it felt
just that my entire world was unbalanced, but it was a relief that he was gone, and
somebody had taken him away and seen that he was not a nice person.
She allowed her inner knowing to come forward and realized it was not her fault
when the previously described crown attorney said what an angry man her husband was.
Relationship termination behavior. Despite how relieved she was to be away
from him, she sent him an e-mail and anxiously awaited a reply for about a year and a
half. They met for a coffee to discuss the relationship. However, she then kept wanting
to meet him.
And [he] said, ‘I’ll come and pick it [cookies she baked him] up tomorrow if it’s
not raining’, and then he… ‘or, I’ll get it in the new year’.”
This upset her. “And do I want to see him? No, not really. For the sake of their adult
children, they would have “family dinners” together.
I said, see, this is the difference… one of the differences between you and me:
I’m fascinated, you’re not. I said, aren’t you glad you’re not married to me
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anymore? And I probably said it three times and he said, do you really want that
answer? And I’m like, mmm, probably not.
Structural Description for Participant 6
The universal structures for Participant 6 are time, bodily concerns, causality,
relation to self, and relation to others. This section will discuss how her thoughts and
feelings are aroused in romantic relationships.
Time. For Participant 6, at the age of twenty nice she decided it was “time to get
on with it” and married the guy she was dating. In hindsight, she would not have dated
him after their first kiss, which took place on the fifth date. She clearly was not attracted
to him, and their low sex relationship was an indicator of low physical chemistry between
them.
Bodily concerns. The bodily concerns for Participant 6 are related to the years of
sexual frustration during the entire course of her dating and marriage to her now exhusband, and to his lack of non-sexual physical affection for her. He did not kiss her until
the fifth date. She found it to be an “awful” kiss, and wishes that she would have listened
to herself at the time and she would have stopped dating him.
She tried everything she knew how to improve their sex life. She attributed his
low sex drive to the fact that she had not dated in three years and perhaps in this lapsed
time men’s sex drives had diminished this substantially. However, she still continued to
date and then marry him, as she felt that at age twenty nine she should “get on with it”.
As she continued to try to rectify the situation, her husband blamed her and told her that
she was “un-sexual”, “unattractive”, and that her “vagina was too big”. She began her
internalization of this issue to assume she was not attractive enough, thinking “maybe I’m
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just unattractive now” and that “my body was unattractive” and to accept this relationship
as it was sexually. This was commensurate with her feelings of defectiveness.
She continued to hope for more sex throughout the marriage, and “kept thinking
that the next stages would get better”, despite his gross lack of desire for even non-sexual
physical touch. This was a key reason she described her relationship as “non-romantic”
and why she felt “heartbroken” and “lonely”, in addition to his general lack of kindness
toward her.
Causality. Throughout the marriage, Participant 6 was in a state of yearning and
a sense of hope that the sexual and romantic side of the relationship would change. The
fantasy that someday a “switch” would happen and he would become the man she wanted
was what she admitted to.
Participant 6 stated a number of times that in her family of origin, negative
emotion was not expressed. “It [family of origin] was very like, no anger, no emotion….”
This resulted in her not expressing her feelings about different behaviors of her husband
in the marriage. Her response was to try to fix the myriad of upsetting situations that
arose, and to not even question that they were her fault. “You know like, what do I need
to do? It was always, what do I need to do.” Also, her sense of shame about her
relationship ending, and tying that to her family of origin indicated a strong influence of
her early life on her choices to be in the dissatisfying marriage, and to cope with it the
best she could.
Relation to self. Overall, Participant 6’s relationship to herself was one of a lack
of self regard and self respect. While she was highly capable, competent, and attractive,
she accepted undue blame and fault for everything.
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And I was just always like this, so whatever he threw at me, I would just be like,
oh my god, oh my god, not even thinking if there’s a basis….[I felt]
panicky….Yes. How can I fix….Yeah, and so I just like… I’m going to get better
at fixing things, because obviously… I mean, it was just a given to me that I
caused this, so don’t even ask, just learn how to fix it….I just never questioned it.
She did not receive empathy or compassion growing up, and she found this
repeated in her marriage. That was her cognitive template of loved ones. She did not
seem to trust herself or want to listen to herself. “Yeah, but I felt like not listening to
myself. I could not listen to myself; just listen… just figure out what is going on out
there and fix it.” However, this was possibly a coping mechanism for making a terrible
relationship choice that ultimately deeply harmed her adult life.
Her desire to be married overrode a more practical approach of waiting for the
right husband. Therefore, this is possibly one of her reasons for not acknowledging her
inner feelings about him, and what married life would be like with this man. Instead, she
did what she knew to try to get him to stop being mean to her.
Well, you know, the answer is… I mean, at the time I kept thinking, if only I do
this, he’ll stop, or, what did I do? And I was just always like this, so whatever he
threw at me, I would just be like, oh my god, oh my god, not even thinking if
there’s a basis.
Ironically, she never stopped to think if she should be the one to be trying to solve
all of the problems. Therefore, her relation to self in this regard was harmful because it
perpetuated a terrible situation. She said that she did not stand up to him.
Yeah. I didn’t say anything. Like, this is not the time I finally did it, but each
time there was a lie… He said, ‘I just said it to… yes, I’d do it, just to get you to
stop talking about it’.
She was aware that she was not happy. “And I felt responsible for the kids, what
they were doing, but then I felt responsible for him and it was like living a life for five
people, but I felt I wasn’t living.” In hindsight, she asked herself “strong at what cost?”
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as she realized that she stayed in the relationship despite no love and a broken heart from
the outset of the relationship.
Relation to other. The paragraphs above describe the impact of her low view of
self and accepting blame, trying to fix everything, thinking things were her fault, and
assuming excessive responsibility in the relationship. Her husband would be mentally or
verbally abusive, twisting her words or the situation or saying she physically pushed him
when he pushed her, and it would cause her to be shaky, sometimes taking days to
recover. She would feel “panicky” and “on pins and needles”.
As the loving mother she is, she admits that she turned to them as her positive
source of emotion, and this was due to the lack of joy or positive regard from her
husband. “I know, but see then, my love… I thought my emotions were with my
children.” She also enjoyed time with friends, and these relationships likely held higher
importance given that her husband was unkind to her.
When the relationship finally had to end because he was arrested, she felt shame
and disappointment.
The pain and the trying and getting nothing back and I thought there… now
there’s the shame and the disappointment coming, because he’ll be arrested and I
felt like the family’s shame from my family of origin coming. And that was also
part of the tears and the grief.
After time had passed, she was intent on getting closure of some kind with her exhusband, with the intent to tell him how bad the marriage was for her.
It was a huge focus….Oh, a bit [of anxiety]?....A lot….Because I knew the whole
thing was going to be anxious, but I needed to do this….Yeah [to get closure], and
to go forward and…and just… I mean, I felt like I wanted to just… fuck off, you
asshole. I felt like that, but I like… well, I’m not going to say it at first…but
you’re going to know that this was not good for me….So eventually…[1.5 years
later] He got back, but I had stopped checking my e-mail, because like, what the
fuck?
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She described meeting with him for the first time.
So we had a few… we did have two hours… and I said, I want you to know that,
you know really, the marriage was horrible for me. I don’t know, you complained
and said you didn’t like it, but you know, from my point, it was awful. I said, I
think it’s very brave of us today to see each other and I think we need to
congratulate each other for doing this. And I said that in a different order, but
that’s how I started it. I said, let’s congratulate each other for being here today. (I
told him) Because it had taken a lot of power, courage and bravery for me to do
this.
However, she continued to want to meet with him, and bake him cookies. A friend had to
tell her to stop meeting him so frequently.
Textural-Structural Description for Participant 6
For Participant 6, the lived experience of romantic relationships has been overall
“awful”.
The structure of time was highlighted by Participant 6 because she made a fatal
life error that would cause her years of unhappiness. She felt it was time to be married at
the age of twenty nine. She had also not dated in three years and while she noticed that
her future husband’s sex drive was very low, she attributed it to the three years that had
passed since she dated, and assumed that all men were like that. She had years of upset in
the abusive marriage with him. Her focus on the future as a motivator to have a cordial
relationship with her ex-husband so that they could both enjoy their children’s events
such as graduations and weddings was one reason why she initiated a reconciliation of
sorts with him.
Second, the structure of bodily concerns was at play her entire marriage. She
described her marriage as “bad”. Part of this was due to it being a very low sex marriage,
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with no physical or emotional connection. She was physically assaulted by her abusive
husband, and the final time he was arrested.
Third, the structure of causality was at play for Participant 6. Her family of origin
taught her to not express upset emotion or anger, and likely caused her to not express her
own needs or for them to be met. Therefore, she was not in touch with her inner knowing
about her husband and marriage, did not express herself well or at all in her marriage, and
she had an excessive focus on independence through her marriage, which meant taking
on all of the family responsibilities and feeling like she had to fix what he blamed her for,
which was everything. She also stayed in the marriage due to her beliefs about families
staying intact.
Fourth, her relation to self impacted her greatly. She had low confidence, low
self-esteem, and an underlying sense of being defective. She chose a partner who was
physically and emotionally withdrawn. She needed external validation of her husband’s
relationship behavior to realize how wrong they were. She was in serious denial before
and during the marriage right up until the end, and she would not allow her inner
knowing to come forward. She acted as an extreme relationship problem solver, to
problems that were not even her own. While she often came up with good solutions, and
took action to make things better, she did this to an extreme whereby it enabled and
rationalized her husband’s behavior, and she did not command being treated with respect.
Further, she ascribed the relationship state to herself versus her husband’s ways or
behaviors. She also continued in the relationship despite major problems, such as their
terrible sex life. Her relationship beliefs included being in a hopeful state that the
relationship would improve based on no evidence. She had low self-esteem and a feeling
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of defectiveness, which caused her to believe things were her fault. She knew she had to
take care of herself, and became excessively independent. She allowed her inner knowing
to come forward, and realized that the issues in the relationship were not all her fault. She
ultimately started to get in touch with a healthy view of what a relationship could be
when they split up.
Finally, her relation to others, including her husband and children, were greatly
impacted by her husband’s behavior and treatment of her. She often had panic and
anxiety, and many other upset emotions. Her kids were her focus throughout the
marriage, and she also got her emotional needs met through friends. There were very
negative impacts of his abusive behavior, including him getting arrested. However, she
also exhibited unproductive relationship behavior, including adapting to his unreasonable
requests. Near the end of the marriage, and after they were divorced, she exhibited more
relationship behavior, such as boundary setting, and she displayed better self-esteem.
Ironically, he had more positive relationship behavior after they split up, yet she still
engaged in ongoing inappropriate relating with her ex-husband.
Participant 7
The following section describes the textural, structural, and textural-structural
descriptions for this participant.
Textural Description for Participant 7
Partner selection. Participant 7 selected partners who showed an interest in her
and who pursued her, despite their compatibility or availability.
And -- and then I -- but I went out back with him for one last date to sort of lay
this all out and that was very hard for me. And he -- and he was very dis-203
dismissive and derisive of that, and he said, [in an angry tone:]’What are you
expecting, an offer of marriage?’ It was, like, a whole side of him I hadn't seen
until that point.
She had three different relationships with men who were incompatible with her
who were from the same country with time spans in between.
But it is typical of me in that it's a relationship that was intense and it went very
fast and many of my relationships have been like that. They're intense and they
develop fast. And that was the case with him, but there was not the same level of
compatibility as there was with relationship number 1. He wasn't as smart. So
that level wasn't there. He was physical. That was -- that was there. But I think
what meant a lot to me was his willingness. Like, his willingness to try, his
willingness to -- to build something, which number 1 was not. So it's like almost
if you could put those two men together, they would have been the perfect guy for
me. (laughing)
Ignored defining moments. Participant 7 would notice and then ignore the
defining moments that occurred in each of her relationships. She described what
happened at the outset with the man whom she was emotionally invested in for over
thirty years when she found out that he was promised by proxy to marry a woman from
his home country.
So I went home -- and cried my eyes out, but then he called me and said
something like, you know, this is crazy. What ended up happening is we got
involved anyway because the attraction was strong enough, but it was, like, the
terms were laid out very clearly at the beginning, which, as I've gotten older, I've
learned is really important to pay attention to.
She realizes that she “overrode” her inner awareness. “So -- you know, but it's -it's in retrospect looking back that it was, like, my own instincts were there, but I -- I kind
of overrode them kind of thing -- about him.” This would result in her breaking up with
him over and over.
Right. And I think somewhat cognizant of the fact that he's really not offering me
anything. Like, in terms of anything long term. So -- but I think he really didn't
think I would stop seeing him and I think that kind of -- surprised him.
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Feelings due to relationships. Relationships are very anxiety provoking for
Participant 7. “When I get in relationships, I -- I become very a-- I become very anxious
and it's kind of a bottomless anxiety. It's like it feels as though I don't know what would
satisfy that anxiety.” They have also been a source of frustration for her.
It's been very frustrating -- because they're -- they're not satisfying for different
reasons at different times. I'm 59. So I've been in various relationships in my life.
I've never been married.” She would also feel insecure in her relationships. “It -of course my insecurities came into it, but we were similarly attached, I would
say. But with me, for me, I mean I can't speak for him, but it -- it -- all my
insecurities come in any relationship that I get into.
His relationship behavior. Participant 7 engaged sexually with each of her
relationships early on. “I think I was. And -- well, I think initially no. And then after I
saw him and I saw what he expected and I realized it would be easy to go there again and
we did.” [sex] She said there were not often options to get involved with men, so she
would take the opportunities when they came about.
He was younger than me by -- by a considerable amount. There was also an
attraction. But he -- …I was thinking about the types of men I've been involved
with and many of them have been the children of single mothers because they like
strong women, and that sort of -- definitely would be me. And he was the child of
a single mother. He was what I always refer to as a poor little rich boy. He was
also from a well placed family. He didn't really plan to be in Canada. So I think
for him he was partly looking to get married for stability. I wasn't the first woman
he was engaged to in Canada. And his family had a bit of a problem because of
that, his family back home. Because it's like here he is getting engaged again -….
She allowed herself to remain in a relationship that was predominantly sexually based.
Well, like I said, that the terms were very clearly defined. So -- because of that -…It was sort of hanging there, but, like, he -- he -- we defined the terms at the
beginning, they didn't really change. When I met someone who was interested in
more, he let me go.
Positives about the relationship. Participant 7 easily expressed the positives of
each relationship, particularly from the man she liked for thirty years. “And I -- I -- still
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don't regret being involved with him because I learned a lot from that relationship.” She
found him to be very supportive of her family issues.
Anyway. And... So I felt like it was really a significant relationship for me -- and
the way that he was able to help me with some of my own family issues --you
know, really meant a lot to me.
She trusted him with her most private pain.
He's one of -- this is going to -- I'm going to get emotional -- talking about
this….He's one of the few men I've ever shared with the fact that I was sexually
abused. I've never trusted enough men -- to -- to tell men that.
Current insights. Participant 7 has a new awareness about this same man.
And I don't consider him the love of my life anymore, which is a good thing
because it left me open to meet -- more good people -- right? And – [it can block
you and it’s a way to stay separate].”
She stated “-- and that's what's hopeful about my most current relationship, because I'm
seeing -- I think I'm actually outgrowing something, at least I'd like to think so, but....”
She was referring to choosing a man who was available to be in a relationship with her,
and who wanted to be.
Her relationship beliefs. Participant 7 felt she did not know how to do
relationships right.
I -- there's this feeling inside that I could never get it right. You know, it could be
the wrong man, the wrong -- do you know, it was a very -- it's a very -- a very -and that never getting it right goes along with a lot of hopelessness as well -which comes, I think, with this.
She found that her loyalty to men after they broke up impeded her to move on.
And -- or they end and I still feel loyal to the person for a -- after the fact I'm like
I've ended it, but I'm still having a lot of feelings about them, so I -- I don't
actually emotionally move on.
Her relationship behavior. Participant 7 is aware that her sexual desire drove
her into relationships. “Well -- well, I mean, honestly, sexual attraction and sexual need
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was a good part of it.” She allowed the relationships to be sexually based. “And, well,
we became involved after that -- and which was mostly seeing each other on weekends.
It was an intense relationship. It wasn't actually very long, which is really typical of me.”
Despite meeting other men, she would go back to the man whom she pined for [number
1], as she described:
…even though we got engaged I ended up leaving him [number 2] and I went
back to number 1. And that later became an issue because he said, ‘why do you
keep leaving me and -- leaving me and coming back’….
She was well-intended in her relationships.
And so when he said that to me, I said, ‘you don't see me at all’. I said I was
going to marry you. You met my whole family. Do you actually think I would
do that? I said, first of all, I'm not a vindictive person, I would never do that.
And I said you don't see me clearly at all.
Relationship termination behavior. Participant 7 was aware of her pattern of
returning to the men after they broke up. “I think the co-- the connection that we had
[compelled me to go back to him].” She would call men also after they had broken up.
But I was still sort of calling him and stuff because another example of me
breaking up with him but being still attached. And that's another part of my
pattern -- staying attached to men who I'm not actually -- still involved with
Her emotional connection to the men was deep.
And -- or they end and I still feel loyal to the person for a -- after the fact I'm like
I've ended it, but I'm still having a lot of feelings about them, so I -- I don't
actually emotionally move on.
Structural Description for Participant 7
The universal structures for Participant 7 are time, bodily concerns, causality,
relation to self, and relation to others, and non-materiality. This section will discuss how
her thoughts and feelings are aroused in romantic relationships.
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Time. For Participant 7, time is a marker of what has and has not happened
regarding romantic relationships. She notes in her adult life she has never been married.
Despite choosing men who were unavailable, before she got involved with guy “number
1” she was aware of how time could be wasted if she made the decision to choose an
unavailable partner. “And so because of that I was like, well, why would I get involved
with you then? I'm just going to waste four years and that's going to be the end of it.”
She entered into that relationship, and viewed him as “the love of my life” for thirty
years. When she met him again after thirty years, she was able to let go. It only lasted 2
months. She noted how much they had each changed in those thirty years: she was much
more “her own person”, and he was more “successful” and “arrogant”. Overall, she noted
a marked improvement in her confidence as a woman dating in her 50’s versus her 30’s,
and this has provided a benchmark of her personal growth over the years.
Participant 7 used time as a barometer of her relationships. For example, with the
second boyfriend, he said he would call her after she broke up with them to talk things
through. “So in the meantime, I didn’t hear from him much. A few months went by.” It
was clear to her that these were not efforts that would facilitate relationship repair.
Further, with the third boyfriend, as time passed, she realized he was not going to marry
her. He put off marriage a second time, and this was the telltale sign for her that he was
not going to commit to her. “I’m like, he’s not even serious.” However, after breaking up
from that boyfriend and Participant 7 studying in a different continent for one year, she
had “cross-culture shock”. Loneliness was the factor that caused her to try to reconnect
with him after time passed, and she was feeling lost. “Again, it was my loneliness”.
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The structure of time has a hopeful element for Participant 7 as it relates to her
current relationship of 8 months. He was married for thirty years, and she finds this
symbolic of his ability to commit, which was the issue with the first three guys. They are
“very happy”.
Bodily concerns. During the long periods of time when not dating anyone, “it’s
like I shut down my whole sexuality completely”. Not only does Participant 7 have long
breaks between relationships, those relationships she does have are “short” and of
“intense” duration. Participant 7’s focus on sex resulted in her choosing inappropriate
partners. “What ended up happening is we got involved anyway because the attraction
was strong enough….” It is possible that she misconstrued her then boyfriends’ desire
for sex as a desire for a relationship with her. She was driven back to the first man over
many years, and they had a highly pleasurable sexual relationship. She prevented herself
from re-engaging sexually with “number 2” due to seriously not wanting to re-engage in
a relationship with him. Finally, she did not find “number 3” sexually satisfying, but
would have re-engaged with him in order to have a connection to someone after returning
to Canada and feeling “cross-culture shock.” She made sure her current boyfriend was
sexually compatible with her.
Causality. The structure of causality can potentially explain certain aspects of
the romantic life of Participant 7. Participant 7 describes her childhood as “fractured”.
Her mother had a serious mental illness, and her father was physically abusive to her
mother. The children lived in foster homes for a period of time. She did not have a
healthy relationship model from her parents.
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She said that through counselling and therapy she was trying to “understand what
I was doing wrong”. She said “I can’t get it right, no matter what I do”. She kept
choosing the same kind of man, three times over.
And, again, I was attracted to him and he to me, but I'm not sure now what it was
-- what was my reservation about him exactly. But as I started to get involved
with him, then I said no and sort of... And -- and then I called him back and we
got involved. And --….Well, that was because, again, it was like here's someone
who wants to be involved with me and I feel so alone, you know.
There was never inappropriate sexual behaviour from her father, but she believes
that because there was an emotional over-closeness that this primed her for being
sexually abused by someone exterior to the home. It is highly possible that being
sexually abused impacted her beliefs about herself and about romantic relationships. She
said that as a result of “the constellation of what I’ve been left with”, she did not view
herself as someone who could be the “main woman”, and this leaves her feeling
“anxious”.
Her relationship behaviors that caused her to continue to have unfortunate
romantic circumstances are as follows.
Is -- is -- is -- is being attached -- over attached to men who are not going to
commit to you. You can't really get what you want from it….And yet -- so it -like, it's I can't get it right --syndrome playing out….It's frustration. It's being
attached to someone who is not really giving you what you need but you can't
move on.
She kept returning back to “number 1” when relationships failed, or when she was lonely.
I think women with insecure attachments, I'm going to make a generalization, can
have a lot of longings. You're saddled with a lot of longings in having this socalled idealized love of my life who's lost, feeds those longings and can leave you
less than open to what you might actually have here and now.
She kept choosing partners who were unable to commit, as previously discussed. “I had a
lot of doubts about him and I almost didn't get involved with him, too. It was the same
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thing.” This was often due to her own deep emotional and sexual loneliness. “So I think
with him it was more like, here, this person wants to be involved with me and I feel -- I'm
very lonely, and so we got involved.”
She described herself as “high maintenance” including over-emotionality. She
overrode her own instincts when she knew there would be problem as a result of what she
was made aware of about her partner. “So -- you know, but it's -- it's in retrospect
looking back that it was, like, my own instincts were there, but I -- I kind of overrode
them kind of thing -- about him.” When a guy showed interest in her, she quickly jumped
into the relationship, it was intense, and then it would end within a few months. She
commits to guys who cannot commit back.
But it also underlines what I said earlier about my frustration is I would -- I would
get -- I get involved with men who love me, I know they love me, but --I feel it
and I commit to them, but they can't -- they can't commit to me. So I'm always in
this feeling of frustration in --….
Relation with self. Participant 7’s relationship with herself was one of being on
her own.
Yeah. And that -- that's another piece I haven't actually mentioned, but -- it sort
of goes hand in hand with where I will have long -- like, I -- I considered me -myself to be single most of my life -- because I have these short intense
relationships.
She was in touch with her inner knowing and then ignored it, such as when she noticed
incompatibilities with potential suitors. It is possible that this was due to her loneliness.
“I mean, I was glad to have someone to be involved with.”
She had lower self-esteem into her adult life, which has improved over the years
due to extensive therapy. There were multiple examples of where she saw the
information about one of the boyfriends, either at the outset, or in the relationship, but she
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would ignore it. This included being told about “number 1’s” inability to commit to her,
choosing not to be with him, and succumbing to his pursuits. It includes defining
moments with “number 2” whom she was able to terminate the relationship with, but
only after seeing him chat up women, and note that he was not going to come up with
monies promised to co-pay for their wedding. She saw a flash forward of her life with
him of unkept promises, and she realized this relationship would not be viable. This was
“emotionally wrenching” for her, because she loved this man who could not be “truthful”
for her. With “number 3” it was a sense he was seeing other women, and him pushing
back deadlines for marriage, only to realize he was not going to commit. She was
unhappy in the relationship. Finally, it took thirty years to see “number 1” objectively.
She now faces “doubts” about her current relationship. She also faces some
abandonment issues as this boyfriend has a physical job and it is possible that he could
get hurt.
Her self-esteem waivered throughout these situations. This is exemplified by
getting into the relationships knowing she had reservations about each of them. She was
able to terminate each relationship when the telltale signs were that they were on the road
to demise. The terminations caused her to feel sad, “emotionally wrenched”. However,
she kept returning to 1, diverted her temptations with 2, and attempted to 3, with the
relief that he did not agree to resume their uncommitted, dissatisfying relationship. Over
the years, she had deep feelings of “loyalty” and “longing” for these men who were never
truly committed to her.
The negative relationship feelings experienced by Participant 7 throughout the
years were indicative of the genuine attempts she was making at romantic connection
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with men who were not able to commit to her. The overall feeling was that of
relationships being “not satisfying” for her, “frustrating”, and her “insecurities” coming
out at the outset of a new relationship. She felt like “I can never get it right” and
“hopelessness”.
Relation with other. Participant 7 chose partners who were unavailable and
incompatible, which triggered her “bottomless anxiety”, likely because they could not be
consistent with her. She saw herself as “the second woman” versus the “main woman”
which was the source of her anguish, and possibly was why she tolerated the men when
she felt they were not being faithful to her.
The main three relationships that she described were with men who were all from
the same country studying in Canada.
Um... (short pause) I don't know why, but I think that was the case. But, see, the
other -- the other side of me is my own fear of commitment too, and that's become
clearer to me as I've gotten older as well. So there was periods of my life where I
was always mad at these guys who wouldn't commit, and later I started -- to see,
yeah, but you're the one that is equally afraid of it, that's why you're picking these
guys -- ….
The relationships seemed to be sexually based. A critical relationship behavior and belief
is that she intensely allows the relationship to move forward quickly when she gets
involved with someone.
I think if there's an attraction for me, it tends to go quickly with someone I like
who likes me, and my current relationship is kind of the same. But then I think -my fear next to that is it's so messed up, is it -- like, are these guys really stable
that I'm getting involved with and am I just grabbing at something because it's a
chance for something, but is it really what I want? There's a lot of self-doubt -that follows me in every relationship I go into….Well, yeah, but I'm doubting
myself as well….I'm doubting my -- my judgment….My -- and my choice, yes.
It seems that Participant 7 confused a friendship with a sexual relationship with a
family type of figure with guy “number 1”. He was emotionally supportive and she saw
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him as a “touchstone” because she allowed herself to fall in love with him and override
the fact that he was committed to another woman. She felt “empowered sexually” in that
relationship and she felt “devastated” but knew from the beginning that it would not
work. However, after years of being apart, she found:
I wasn't quite as attached emotionally because I knew going --I knew going in
what it was and I was accepting of that and I was taking what we could share –
[sexual, companionable]….Right. And then, I mean, there was kind of a -because we had this long history -- stretching back -- there was a real
comfortableness about -- that -- right? And I coined my own termed for it,
nostalgic sex, because I kind of specialize in it [laughs].
Participant 7 would be conflicted about being with the men she was with. “And
so then that's why I broke up with him because I said, you know what, this compromises
me. I don't feel good about being with someone who's promised to another woman, so I
really can't continue seeing you.” However, she would keep returning to him, as if he
was a family unit to fall back into when there was an upset, which made it again very
hard to let him go. “Well, it was still very devastating because I consider myself letting
someone go who I really cared for, but I -- I felt like I really had no choice at that point,
that's how I felt.”
In another relationship, she felt not seen for who she was.
It was emotionally very wrenching and I think -- I think why it's also hard is
because I'm -- I'm breaking up with him because he's not seeing who I am and I
don't feel -- I think that's the echo from my -- my early life is he's not seeing me
for who I am.
In her most current relationship, she wants each partner to be who they are.
When we first met, he said, you know, I spend my winters in [place where current
partner is spending winter] and I wouldn't want to give that up. And I said why
would you do that? You've worked really hard for that. Like, I don't see
relationships -- they shouldn't restrict individuals. They should enhance your life.
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Non-materiality. Participant 7 prides herself on not being after men’s money
“like some other women are”. However, it seems that some of her partners may have
been after her money. She let “number 2” use her as a source of stability. Further,
“number 1” encouraged her to improve her standard of living because she was living
below her means.
Textural-Structural Description for Participant 7
The universal structures for Participant 7 are time, bodily concerns, causality,
relations to self, and relations to others, and non-materiality.
The structure of time is at play for Participant 7 in terms of her awareness of her
own age and never being married, the short length of her relationships, the long durations
between relationships, and the length of her current partner’s previous marriage, as it
gives her hope as he is someone who can commit, and that he can commit to her.
Bodily concerns for Participant 7 relate to her sexuality. She quickly gets into
relationships, and this might be partly due to the fact that she shuts down her sexuality
between relationships, and this duration can be long. She has a strong desire for sex, and
also used sex as a means to reconnect for sexual gratification and/or to obtain emotional
support. Further, she has ensured that her current partner is interested in both a good
relationship and a healthy and fulfilling sex life.
Causality has been strongly at play in Participant 7’s life, as she has engaged in
partner selection that perpetuates her deep fear of commitment. Her father emotionally
confided in her as a child, her mother’s mental illness meant that her needs were not met,
and she observed her father beat her mother. She chooses men who cannot commit or be
faithful partners. Further, she has relationship beliefs that she cannot be the main woman
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and does not know how to do relationships, as well as she just cannot get relationships
right. Her relationship behaviors such as returning to these partners who cannot meet her
needs, or remaining loyal and excessively grieving them upon relationship termination
also prevent her from potentially learning about healthy relationships and having one.
Finally, she is admittedly driven by her sexual desire, and given that she shuts down
between relationships, when the opportunity avails she quickly seizes it and tries to turn
an impulsive choice into a relationship partner.
Participant 7’s relation to self is that she displayed both an insight and inner
knowing and a lack thereof in relationships. For example, she would recognize why a
relationship with a prospective boyfriend might not work, but then overrode that knowing
to engage in the relationship, and then even tried to turn it into a viable relationship. She
would experience defining moments in relationships, but ignore them, only terminating
relationships when the situations were so extreme that there was no other choice. She also
demonstrated both low and high self-esteem in her adult relationships, and personal
growth over the years. She tried to communicate her needs in a healthy manner in her
relationships, but they were dismissed by her partners. Further, she kept returning to the
men, or engaging in what felt like a new relationship, but the same issues of commitment
and trust kept reappearing. In the latter years, she was able to let go of her idealized man
of thirty years and see his arrogance and enjoy her own self-esteem more. Participant 7’s
relationship termination behavior was potentially an indicator of how alone she was in
the world. She kept returning to her partners, she only terminated relationships when she
absolutely had to, she viewed the men as touchstones long after the breakups, as she did
not have a good family or friend support network. Breakups were sad, devastating, and
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emotionally wrenching for her, and she grieved for excessive periods of time, feeling
loyalty to men who did not warrant that.
For Participant 7 relation to others was filled with happy moments and upsets due
to their behavior, and her own beliefs and behaviors. She experienced feelings such as
anxiety, frustration, and dissatisfaction. This was due to her various boyfriends’
relationship behavior, including a lack of commitment, and a lack of fidelity. However,
the boyfriends also exhibited meaningful behavior such as at times good communication,
respect, and being an emotional touchstone for her. Therefore, she also had positive
feelings from the relationships, such as sexual, emotional, and intellectual connection to
varying degrees based on the partners, as well as enjoying daily life activities together,
such as cooking and talking. She did have some productive relationship beliefs and
behavior, which included being emotionally supportive, taking the positives from the
relationships so that she did not have regrets, attempting to communicate and set effective
boundaries, and she wants her current guy to live his dreams and do his hobbies.
Finally, with respect to non-materiality, it was important for Participant 7 to not
be a woman who would be after men’s money, but it seemed to go to an extreme, where
at least Guy 2 used her for financial stability. Further, Guy 1 had to give her permission
of sorts to upgrade her lifestyle, as she was living far below her means.
Participant 8
The following section describes the textural, structural, and textural-structural
descriptions for this participant.
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Textural Description for Participant 8
View of self: defective/unwanted. Overall, Participant 8 feels defective and
unwanted. When a relationship does not sustain, she feels “this person doesn't love me
and -- and, you know, that -- that -- I guess that feeling of not being good enough.”
Further, she feels unwanted.
Well, it makes me feel unwanted. I think the root of -- the root of a lot of the
issues is that I guess -- and it's -- it's really -- and I get really upset when I think
about it (crying) because it's -- really it's -- but I just don't know how much I love
myself.
Partner selection. The partner selection of Participant 8 is fast and in hindsight
she realizes the incompatibilities.
Because I think the ones that I've gotten to know longer -- it doesn't even have to
take that long, it could take a week. Once I get to know them, I -- this probably
isn't someone I'd want to have a relationship -- anyways with -- if I've taken time
to kind of -- let that play out.
However, she chooses partners based on not having things in common.
I mean, I was young, so I'm sure there was no mental stimulus or connection or
anything. It was just something that I think -- and it's interesting because I think
when you're young you really just want to be in a relationship and you don't look
for other pieces to that.
Further, she said:
I value hand-- people who are hand-- things that I cannot bring to the table. So I
don't want someone who's like me -- because I don't think that that's very
interesting. I also like artistic people because I don't have that. And I've always
been very much into culture and arts -- and I love travellers.
Anxious feelings as a result of her beliefs and his behavior. Participant 8 has
many anxious feelings as a result of her relationship beliefs and the relationship behavior
of her partners. She engages in sex sometimes on the first date which is when her anxiety
commences.
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And then once you have sex with someone, then I tend to pursue that because I
start feeling -- right away I start feeling anxious…. And then they don't call or
they don't -- or there's no contact, or they just disappear out of your life, which is
my biggest fear. My biggest fear is someone disappearing. So that's kind of
perpetually -- they perpetually disappear because it's -- it is what it is.
She then assumes they are in a relationship, and wants to live together right away.
“I'm anxious when they don't come home. I'm anxious if people don't show up on time, if
I don't get a phone call on time.” This causes her to reach out to her friends and family
regularly. “And that's always something that's also a big issue for me is I tend to talk to
everybody and anyone about it.” She would go to extreme lengths to see her boyfriends,
even when it was not convenient.
But even I was supposed to -- I was in [name of city where attended university for
PhD], so I was supposed to spend nights there, and I would come home on the bus
at night at 7 o'clock to get up at 6 o'clock the next morning to take the bus back to
[name of city where attended university for PhD] because I couldn't feel like he
would be left alone. But the thing is is even if he was left -- when he was left
alone, the guy would go out and get drunk and stay out until 3 o'clock in the
morning. And I'd come home, which would also make me very anxious because I
knew he was out and I was stuck in [name of city where attended university for
PhD] and he wouldn't answer the phone or whatever it was.
Her relationship behavior. Participant 8 keeps pursuing the partner for
reassurance:
I'm all about that person and so I am constantly trying to connect with that person,
whether it's through a phone call or whether it's through -- I need constant
reassurance and constant connection, but not that I ask for reassurance. I think it's
more that I want to see that person or I want to talk to that person.
She stated that this results in a distraction from other areas of her life:
You're -- all you're doing is -- you know, I'm -- I'm surprised -- honestly, I
actually don't know how I got through my first year of university because my
whole world was about this person…. It -- it is [a huge distraction], and you know
what, and that is -- I don't actually know how I've ever achieved anything because
men are a massive distraction in that sense.
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Sabotages relationships through relationship behavior. As stated earlier, her
anxiety sets in when she sleeps with the guy:
And I quite quickly -- first night usually have sex with them. And then feel -- and
even though I know -- even though I know I shouldn't, I do -- because -- not
because I shouldn't for any societal norm, I shouldn't because the anxiety comes
in.
While she states an awareness that she sabotages the relationship through this behavior,
she is aware that she does not stop the behavior.
I really have to talk myself down on a lot of it. You know, even I -- I have a -- I
have a date with a man that I, you know, just met tomorrow and I have to remind
myself and tell myself and -- that isn't something I'm going to do, but I'll be
honest, if -- if it's -- for me, I love -- I'm all caught up in this notion of love and
romance and chemistry and passion. And even though I might talk myself down
because I know that that's -- or, you know, tell -- tell myself the day before do not
do this, do not do this, it all goes out the window if that's the situation I'm in.
Mostly because I -- I don't know, I don't know if it's just that I have no patience, if
it's a sabotaging mechanism, which is kind of really what I keep thinking, that I -even though I know it doesn't work, I do it anyways. Because then -- then the
game changes. Then that's when the anxiety starts. The anxiety starts at that
point because that's when I think -- I'm -- I kind of want it to happen really fast.
Relationship beliefs. Participant 8 had a relationships belief of spending much
time with her partner.
And living together -- and -- and for me, I try to get someone to live in my house
or spend every night with me right off the bat. So I don't have relationships that -and same with [name of participant 8’s first boyfriend]. It was very much we first
started dating, and I think that's where the pattern happened, we spent, you know,
as much time as we could together and we would, you know, sleep at each other's
houses a couple times a week. So that gives me great comfort to know that
someone is staying at my house all the time -- and that we mesh -- you know, that
we have -- that we've kind of really enmeshed in each other's lives.
This was role-modelled to her by her family members.
And it is very much kind of what -- what I've grown up with because my mother
was always very anxious with my father and he's kind of always succumbed to,
you know, calling her or she calls him a billion times a day or she knows where
he is at all times. And so -- …. Right [it was role modelling for me]. My
grandmother was also very much the same and -- and I kind of just always
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assumed that that's -- and even when you see my siblings, my siblings are all the
same with their partners, that they've always -- that they've connected -- or
meshed themselves so quickly and they moved in together quickly or they spend
every day together. And so I kind of always just assumed that's how a
relationship should be, but the men that I've dated in my life pull away and
literally disappear, which causes anxiety even more.
Participant 8 would “coach” her boyfriends to a better life and then they would leave her.
Well, I'd help them with their life, right? What -- I'd be -- I'd coach them. I'd
coach them. I'd sit and I'd tell them about all the great things they could do and
all the things they could achieve and all their skills and qualities. And I'd pump
them up and I'd give them a life plan. And most of my boyfriends would then
break up with me and then adopt the life plan a couple of years later, but that's
exactly -- that's -- that's very much a pattern. And so, you know, it is very much
trying to make their lives better, where I've never really been with someone who
actually has a life.
Relationships end quickly – guy disappears. Participant 8 is aware that her
relationships do not last long. “And to be honest, my relationships, there's several men
that come into my life, they don't last very long because the -- this happens quite quickly
and I think it's -- I scare them off very fast.” She contacts them multiple times after she
had not heard from them.
I don't know if he -- you know, I don't know -- I -- honestly, and I feel like the last
man that did this was in December and he was supposed to show up somewhere.
He didn't. He didn't call. He didn't text. And the next day I seriously thought he
was dead in the ditch. That's where my -- you know, I didn't think he was -- I
didn't think anyone would just sit in their bedroom and not respond back to a
message because I don't understand why anybody would do that. You just
message back and say I'm fine, I'll talk to you later. That would have alleviated
the anxiety. So I guess for me, I just don't -- I -- I can't believe that someone
would just do that to somebody else. Like, it wouldn't be difficult to send a
message.
Numerous boyfriends have disappeared without a word to her. “And -- and that's
not -- and they kind of go -- go along with it for a bit and then they don't. And so their -I guess their exit is to just disappear and not call.”
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Relationship termination behavior. Relationship terminations are dramatic and
anxiety provoking for Participant 8.
And when we broke up, it was very much like the other relationships, very -- very
upsetting, lots of drama, didn't know where he was. You know, lots of anxiety.
And -- and it was very -- I -- I went away with my father and my poor father had
to hear me. I was at a conference and I couldn't -- same thing, I couldn't get out of
my bed.
She finds the losses of these relationships devastating.
But it was pretty -- pretty devastating. I don't know, I was pretty devastated -and upset about the -- I -- right, because it's -- it is -- yeah, I was -- I was just
devastated. It's ... I had an awful -- yeah, and it -- and I guess that's the -- I
haven't had many relationships, but the -- but the ending part is really the -- it's
something that it would -- I would love to avoid, you know, in the future.
She re-engages with the ex-boyfriends sexually.
I -- I don't know. I think it's the same thing, I really -- it took a long time for me
to get over him as well. I think we continued for a few months afterwards. You
know, I'm sure I made up some excuse to get him over to my house, to shovel the
snow or something, and, you know, try -- whatever, maybe we slept together.
Structural Description for Participant 8
The universal structures for Participant 8 relate to causality, relation to self,
relation to others, and bodily concerns. This section will discuss how her thoughts and
feelings are aroused in romantic relationships.
Causality. Participant 8’s said that her sense of not deserving was why she chose
an incompatible mate.
So I just feel like I just, you know, chose the wrong person on purpose because I
know that -- that I don't -- you know, I kind of felt like I didn't deserve someone
like him because he was a really good person. (crying)
The role-modeling of her family illustrated being anxious and controlling with a partner.
And I turned into someone I didn't like. I turned into my -- I turned into my
mother. I turned into someone who -- (crying). That means that I would be mean
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to him and I would be controlling with him, and I would demand where -- the
same idea, I would kind of demand where that he spend a lot of time with me or
where he was, and he conceded.
Relation to self. Participant 8’s relation to self is very noteworthy. She is
conscious of her feelings of being defective and unlovable.
Well, it makes me feel unwanted. I think the root of -- the root of a lot of the
issues is that I guess -- and it's -- it's really -- and I get really upset when I think
about it (crying) because it's -- really it's -- but I just don't know how much I love
myself. Because if I really did, then I wouldn't feel the need to give something to
someone so much that they'd have to love me, I guess. Not -- not necessarily for
me, but because of what I give them. And that's a really hard realization to have.
Right [I’m earning their love], and -- and I try to -- you know, I try to
overcompensate. And I do that a lot with friends and I do that a lot with work and
I'm always looking for -- you know, the -- someone to, you know, say gr-- I don't
know what the word is right now, but say great things about me or -- or to feel -to feel loved.
She has an expectation that the men she chooses will also make her their main focus.
No. No, not at all because then it -- or what it does is it allows me to be
constantly -- or it immerses -- allows me to immerse myself so much in that
relationship because what would -- what would happen, if someone moves here or
you move there, so either way that -- you're attached to that person because you
don't have anything else.
She is actually terrified of commitment and relationships, as she fears that she will not be
able to accomplish her life goals in a committed relationship.
I wanted to travel. I wanted to -- it started -- which happens a lot to me because
then I started -- I'm fearful…. I'm fearful about real-- I'm fearful about getting
married. I'm fearful about losing myself in someone. I just -- I don't -- because I
think I've grown up in a culture where women are all about their families, I
struggle -- and I want to do what I want to do. -- and I'm fearful that if I -- even
though I desperately want a rel-- to be with that person when I'm first with
someone, I also feel that the idea of having someone in my life will stop me from
doing whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it and it scares me. The idea
of a relationship scares me. So ...
Relation to other. Participant 8 downplays her own success and chooses very
unaccomplished men.
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I also downplay it because I think a lot of friends of mine are resentful about my
lifestyle, my position and what I do for a living, and I don't want a man to be
intimidated by that. So I'm conscious of it in the sense that I just don't want
someone to say, oh, well, this person is way out of my league.
She tries to allay her anxiety through close proximity.
I just kind of feel like if someone's -- although it's backfired on me many times.
But if someone lives at your house, you have that -- that anxiety is diminished. If
you know someone is coming home to you, that anxiety is diminished and I don't
feel like I don't know where that person is or I don't feel -- and I don't know what
I think they're doing. It's not like I think they're cheating on me or I -- I don't -there's no reason, because I think this -- they're doing something wrong. I don't
know what it is in the sense that I just feel this separation anxiety and that's really
what it is. And I don't think that there's -- I really don't think they're doing
anything of -- that's terrible. I don't think they're with another woman. I just like
them in close proximity.
Participant 8 goes against her inner knowing to give her partners space.
Like -- like constantly -- like, knowing that I should give someone space, but
knowing that even though I should give them space I will still -- you know, if I
just meet someone and I know that we've gone out once and it's been a good time
and I don't feel I'm getting -- I guess I get scared really quickly and so I -- I tend
to invite them out quite often or, you know, send them a message quite often or
have long conver-- try to have conversations or try to include them in my life.
Bodily concerns. Participant 8 is very focused on having sex, even on the first
date. She realizes this triggers her anxiety, but cannot seem to stop herself from the
behavior.
Right. And I think for me, I mean that's -- that hits the root of that I don't love
myself because if I did, then I wouldn't -- I'd be a little more, you know, conscious
about what -- who I let into my life. I'm not -- that's really difficult for me. But
as I say this to you, I know this, but what -- you know, tomorrow it's not going to
go out the window if -- I just don't feel I'm strong enough to stop it or the other
side is I'm too strong in the sense that I know it's going to happen anyways and I - I kind of feel like I'm like a -- I sometimes feel like -- in terms of anxiety I'm
like a cat, you know. I -- I -- I do things even though I know I shouldn't. It's like
-- I keep touching something or -- or I keep trying to -- trying to make it -- I keep
poking to see whether or not it's going to go to -- you know, it's all going to fall
apart. So even though I know I shouldn't send a text message, I will send a text
message. Even though I know I shouldn't do this, sleep with some-- you know,
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have sex with someone on the first date, I will do it just to see are they still going
to be there.
Textural-Structural Description for Participant 8
For Participant 8, relationships are stressful, short-lived, are extremely anxiety
provoking, and this anxiety has a very negative impact on all areas of her life. The
universal structures for Participant 8 relate to causality, relation to self, relation to other,
and bodily concerns.
With respect to causality, relationships do not last long for Participant 8, she feels
defective and unlovable, her lack of control regarding calling guys and their friends and
family, and sex, have all negatively impacted relationships. Further, her anxiety has had a
very negative impact on her life when she gets very anxious over relationships, including
her work, studies, friends, and health. She has also had a lot of upset feelings as a result
of relationships. Finally, she exhibits both insight and a lack of insight regarding her
irrational beliefs and negative relationship behaviors, and the extensive family role
modeling of anxious and controlling behavior toward partners that she was exposed to
her entire life.
Participant 8’s relation to self reflects her feelings of defectiveness and
unlovability. This is at play in her mate selection as she chooses mates with whom she
has nothing in common and whose lives are undeveloped. The relationship behavior of
her partners such as disappearing as a result of her controlling behavior toward them, are
part of what she experiences, as well as the short term companionship. She is terrified of
commitment and relationships due to the perceived impact that they will impede her life
goals.
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Participant 8’s relation to other is that she views having a boyfriend as an object
to connect to, and to not feel alone. Further, she gets very anxious about relationships and
the guys she is with. Also, she continually sabotages relationships through her behaviors
over controlling and having sex too early into the relationship. Likewise, her beliefs
around relationships being very enmeshed with very high contact impact the way she
relates to partners. While she does have some have enjoyment from feeling connected to
her partners, her relationship termination behavior is highlighted by extreme anxiety and
sad feelings.
Bodily concerns are illustrated through her focus on wanting sex, having sex
because she wants to have sex, and because she has little or no impulse control, and she
has sex as a means to get into a relationship.
Participant 9
The following section describes the textural, structural, and textural-structural
descriptions for this participant.
Textural Description for Participant 9
Relationships are good at the beginning. For Participant 9, relationships are
good at the beginning. “Well, it's -- you know, there's always, you know, a good part to it,
you know, you feel happy.” She enjoys this early stage of a relationship. “I think
especially to begin with, the sort of getting to know stage with -- with somebody, I think
that's always exciting.” For her, as she gets to know partners, this shifts to feeling
“triggered”.
But I think then once -- you know, once you come up against things that either are
triggers for you from past relationships, all the things you start seeing and
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learning about the person that you maybe don't like, and then it's -- from there it's
how do you deal with them. Um... So....
Partner selection – it was time for a relationship. Participant 9’s partner
selection was predicated not on feeling compatible with the partner, but that it was time
for a relationship.
Um... Well, I had been single for three years before going out with him and I
think a big part of it was me mentally wanting to -- to kind of move on, to prove
to myself that I could because I had a seven year relationship before that.
She was embarrassed about being single and had pressure from her family to be in a
relationship.
So I think a big part of it was, I think, me trying too hard, that, no, I can make this
work. You know, this can work, I can have a relationship, and I suppose I -- it's
not like, you know, we met and we fell in love and we started dating, it was more
that I kind of forced things maybe to happen. I thought, well, here's a [profession
of ex-boyfriend], you know, he's obviously got some money, he's not stupid, can
hold a conversation.
The pressure came mostly from her father who wanted her to be taken care of.
I know that's -- especially my father is -- is quite a lot like that, a lot of pressure.
You know, like, do you have somebody? You know, is there someone looking
after you or is there someone in your life that, you know, is going to give you, you
know, marriage and give you support or safety in your life or ... And I think as -I suppose that subconsciously was always something I was very stressed about, do
I have that, you know, do I have that.
Role of the partner is to alleviate her anxiety. Participant 9 chose her last
partner because it was “time” for a relationship, and she also likes how a partner can
quell her anxiety. “I think for me it's always that -- I kind of expect someone to -- to let
me know they're thinking of me in the morning.” She has high expectations of her
partner to do this in the morning and at night.
And especially when I go to bed, I like to know that someone's thinking about me
or loves me when I go to sleep. I find that -- that's probably one of my most
anxious moments, before I go to bed.
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Partner’s relationship behavior toward her. In reference to the boyfriend
being described, Participant 9 appreciated his willingness to help with an important
interest that she had. “So there was that big respect for him, for his work -- and the fact
that, you know, he would always answer my questions or help me with my [important
interest of 9].” In her first relationship, she was encouraged to get her master’s degree.
And he said, well, why don't you, you know, do a master’s, do something, and I'm
like, well, I don't know what. So he kind of, you know, really helped me and
pushed me to -- to study on and do my [post-secondary degree of Participant 9]
and –
For Participant 9, it was upsetting as her partner’s relationship behavior started to
shift from the happiness and excitement at the beginning.
[He] [s]topped doing these things [texts/e-mails in a.m. and p.m.]? I would say he
probably did them for the first six to eight months, I think, when we were dating.
And I think after that we did, you know, start developing, you know, problems.
In addition to not being in contact as much as she wanted daily, he also made
upsetting comments. “A lot of them were around his -- you know, his ex-girlfriend being
very present in his life and he would sort of bring up – bring in inappropriate comments
[sexual] about their relationship. And – ” The relationship got upsetting for Participant
9.
I actually had [broken up with him] a few times, but he would never kind of let it
go. He would always kind of come back and say don't leave me and I think he
was quite attached to me and quite anxious to be on his own as well. I think he
suffered from that. But then when things kind of became comfortable again, he
would sort of, you know, treat me quite badly and wouldn't really return my calls
or see me for a few days, or be very short with me on the phone. I mean, he has a
lot of -- he's quite depressed.
Relationship behavior. Participant 9 tried to communicate effectively. “If I
knew that things kind of -- you know, that something was wrong or things weren't
working out or there was an issue, I would always try and talk to him, but he was never
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very responsive to that.” She also tried to encourage her boyfriends to be with their
friends.
Well, I think making an effort to get along with their friends even when you don't
necessarily like them. I've -- I've sort of made a lot of efforts around that. I know
that I wouldn't kind of enjoy a particular party or event or concert or something,
but I would still go and knowing that that's what he, you know would want or I
would want him to do if it was the other side of the, you know, coin, to speak. So,
definitely making an effort around -- around friends.
Relationship beliefs. Participant 9 had a belief that her boyfriends should help to
ease her anxiety.
So -- but maybe kind of putting it into actual words and saying that, you know, I
appreciate a -- you know, a message or some kind of contact before I go to
sleep.… You know, it kind of puts you at ease before you go to bed and, you
know, it's -- it helps you sleep. At least that's for me how I -- how I felt.
Further, Participant 9 had an issue of trust with both of her boyfriends. “So I kind of
think sometimes a big part of it was, you know, just me and maybe having a -- you know,
a big trusting element anyway.” This would result in her imagining infidelity.
Um... And then that developed into a very -- I was thinking, well, okay, I haven't
seen him for a week; my God, what has he been doing? Who is he with, you
know? Is there somebody else? And then I would see him in the library and
there'd be someone -- some girl chatting to him and I'd think, oh, my God, I was
right, there is something going on. So... I mean, obviously there never was. I
mean, he -- he wouldn't hurt a fly. He's a very different kind of person.
Recognized but did not act on defining moments. While Participant 9 would
notice behaviors about her second boyfriend, she would not act upon them, but instead
got anxious.
And that kind of made things worse because I thought, well, if they've dated on
and off so many times, then it would just -- you know, if we broke up, he would
be back with her again. So it was --.”
She never felt like the relationship was secure. “No, it didn't, no [feel like a secure
relationship].
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External circumstances impacting the relationship. While there were
discussions with her second boyfriend to make more committed steps, external
circumstances got in the way.
We had talked about living together -- but my sister moved here and she became
quite sick, so sort of leaving -- leaving her and moving out wasn't -- didn't really
become an option. But she's recently decided she might be -- be leaving, leaving
Canada, so we kind of talked about it again.
With her first boyfriend, there was a values difference between them about the type of
research he was doing.
And then he found it very hard to -- to find work after he had done his Ph-- PhD,
and he was doing his research in [a particular place] and I -- I didn't like that.
Yeah [a values difference]. And then he started developing the same. He didn't
feel like he could do that…either. So he kind of said that I was kind of making
him doubt the kind of -- the role, the -- the route he was taking with his career.
Relationship termination behavior. Participant 9 did not seem to realize that
her first boyfriend was breaking up with her after years of dating when he moved back to
his home country after obtaining his PhD.
Um... Yeah, it was very, very stressful. He did come back a few times to visit me
and I never wanted him to leave and, you know, would make sure I was with him
every -- every minute of the day. But then when the periods became, you know,
longer and longer in between, I kind of thought, well, I don't know what he's
doing over there, he doesn't know what I'm doing over here. You know, we're not
really a support for each other. I mean, long distance relationships that are, you
know, over a few years, even if it's temporarily, like, a few months –.
With her second boyfriend, she was constantly anxious in the relationship, tried to break
up a few times, but got back together at his requests.
But... Yeah, so it was probably -- I was probably too anxious to let go of him and
sort of maybe be -- you know, admit that I had picked the wrong person again and
-- and -- (clears throat) and I would be single again. I suppose that if I hadn't have
had that anxious attachment just to having someone in my life, as opposed to -you know, I don't think it really mattered who it was. I think it's just having that
someone there.
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Finally, she had a hard time thinking about telling her parents of her recent breakup. “So
I don't know what I would tell them [her parents]. I would --…I probably would tell
them that it's kind of ended and leave it at that. I wouldn't kind of --…tell them the
details.
Current insights/view of self. Participant 9 had broken up with her second
boyfriend three days prior to her interview. “So I think just the fact that -- you know,
obviously it's unfortunate that's how it ended, but I think it's something I should have
probably done out of respect for myself a long time ago.” She realizes that she did break
up with him sooner because she was not putting herself first. “But, you know, I think -you know, putting yourself first is something that you have to do, and I don't think I was
doing that.”
Structural Description for Participant 9
For Participant 9, the universal structures of relations to self, relations to others,
time, and causality apply. This section will discuss how her thoughts and feelings are
aroused in romantic relationships.
Relation to self. Participant 9’s relation to self is one of both independence and
dependence. She has a good profession, and is “self reliant” and “responsible” as the
“eldest child”. However, when it comes to being in a relationship, she looks to her partner
to soothe her anxiety versus taking responsibility for this herself. This is illustrated by her
desire to have them call or text her every morning and before she goes to sleep. “You
know, it kind of puts you at ease before you go to bed and, you know, it's -- it helps you
sleep. At least that's for me how I -- how I felt.”
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For Participant 9, it seems that a good enough relationship at the right time is
better than being alone.
Um... And I think just -- you know, just having a -- a relationship, you know, that
was -- kind of a comfort on many levels, you know – for the wrong -- wrong
reasons -- well, not, but, I mean, it was, you know, a comfort that you knew.
This is illustrated by the belief that not being alone and being in a relationship is a key
goal.
And... I mean, my mom has a family friend who lives here and she kind of knows
him indirectly and she's always said from the beginning, my God, what are you
doing? You know, he's never had relationships for very long and, you know, does
have this depression and why are you even doing this to yourself? So there were
so many people around me that were kind of singing the same tune as maybe my
heart was feeling, where my head was like, no, I want to be in a relationship.
In fact, it was embarrassing for her to be single, and there were also pressures from others
to be in a relationship.
Yeah, I think that's what it was, still [hoping that we were] in a relationship, not -it doesn't really matter who it was. I think it was the fact that I... You know, it's - also being single is not something to feel bad about, but it's always something
you kind of -- a lot of people might think it's, you know, disappointing, especially
for family. They always expect you to be married or -- you know, or have kids
or... I suppose there's an expectation that you think you're trying to fulfil for other
people. I think that -- that was kind of a part of it.
While her fears of not trusting her boyfriend were founded, Participant 9 doubted
herself and her inner knowing because her untrustworthy partner turned the situation back
on her and called her “jealous” and “paranoid”. She is confident that she can get over this
second relationship because she got over her first.
It is, yeah, very hurtful, but then I had a conversation with my sister and I think I
kind of -- by -- by talking out loud about it, I think I kind of realized that if I
recovered from my previous relationship that I was with -- with my partner for
seven years, I kind of thought, well, if I can kind of get over that, I can get over
this. (laughing)
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Finally, a general world view that Participant 9 has relates to both her relation to self and
to others. She indicated that she always has to have something to worry about.
I think -- I sort of had to find something to be anxious about or stressed about.
There was always something that -- I think in general -- even not in romantic
relationships, I think in general I do have -- I always have something that I'm
stressed about, whether it's -- or anxious about if it's not -- if it's not a relationship,
if I don't have one at the time, then it would be, you know, weight, it would be
work or it would be one of my [type of animal Participant 9 loves] or there would
always be something that I've -- I've always got to preoccupy myself with being
worried or anxious about something.
Relation to other. The structure of relation to other is reflected in how
Participant 9 relates to her boyfriends, as well as how her perceptions of the views of her
by family and friends about if she is or is not in relationship impacts her. Participant 9
does not have a belief or expectation that the relationship can be harmonious and smooth
and searches for what’s wrong.
I suppose maybe, I don't know, just when you -- when you think about it, you
always think may-- well, maybe there's -- there's always got to be something that
has to be wrong, so what -- what is it, and I kind of -- maybe you kind of -- I'm
not sure if I sort of -- you nitpick at things or you try and look for something that's
wrong.
In her last relationship, she wondered if the issues were relationship specific or
pervasive.
But I suppose it's also a big part of, you know, getting to know yourself -- and
what you maybe don't want in a relationship and what you do and the things
you're willing to -- you know, we all put up with things we don't like in a
relationship -- or things we don't necessarily agree with, and I suppose there's
always that give and take. And I suppose a big part of it was knowing, well, you
know, maybe this is just the reality of things, maybe this is just how it would be
with anybody.
She actually contributed to eroding the first relationship because she was worried that he
was cheating when he was not likely doing so, but in her second relationship, he actually
was untrustworthy.
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So I kind of think sometimes a big part of it was, you know, just me and maybe
having a -- you know, a big trusting element anyway. But then I kind of think,
well, no, I mean, if -- like this most recent boyfriend, you know, if this exgirlfriend hadn't been in his life to the same extent that she had been, he hadn't
made those comments, then I think things would have been, you know, much
better. I mean, maybe, yes, there would have been things we would have argued
about anyway.
Her trust issues seemed to confuse her as her first boyfriend was highly trustworthy and
she questioned his fidelity when she was busy with her studies. She did not seek
reassurance from him, nor did she consider the evidence from him.
Um... And then that developed into a very -- I was thinking, well, okay, I haven't
seen him for a week; my God, what has he been doing? Who is he with, you
know? Is there somebody else? And then I would see him in the library and
there'd be someone -- some girl chatting to him and I'd think, oh, my God, I was
right, there is something going on. So...I mean, obviously there never was. I
mean, he -- he wouldn't hurt a fly. He's a very different kind of person.
After that relationship technically ended, she had a hard time letting go when it was over.
So I kind of -- I kind of realized that – hm - after too long. But I think initially it
was once we had kind of had broken up, we still probably spoke too much and I
kind of thought, well, things are still fine, we're still okay, we're still thinking.
And I thought, well, no, how can it be, don't be stupid….Yeah, I think that's what
it was, still in a relationship, not -- it doesn't really matter who it was.
Participant 9 would have a high expectation on her partner for contact and
soothing her, but otherwise would put up with too much in a relationship with minimal
needs being met and constant anxiety. She did not trust her second boyfriend, and when
he did not call she would doubt herself.
Um... But, I mean, it did make me feel very -- very, very stressed and very
anxious. I probably, you know, had a lot of sleeping problems because of it and
would go to bed at night just thinking, well, really, you know, he hasn't called me,
he hasn't said good night, what is he really doing or... It made me question or put
a lot of doubt in me some -- a lot of the time.
She ultimately realized that she was just too anxious in the second relationship. “I'm very
pragmatic. I'm sort of like, well, you know, what's the point? I mean, you can sort of
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make yourself really sick about worrying about it, which probably I did for too long when
we were dating.”
Participant 9 was too accommodating in her second relationship, at the expense of
her own well-being and anxiety levels. “Yeah, maybe too much [accommodating]-maybe too much of a people pleaser maybe. That's something else I probably need to
learn.” She further accommodated her second boyfriend by earning his love through
helping him with his business, in hopes that he would return affection.
I suppose because I knew how much he wanted it [to start a business] and that he
didn't feel like he was confident enough to do it. And I thought, well, you know,
if you kind of let me in, you know, into your life, then we -- we can kind of make
this work, but I suppose I was doing it because I expected his love in return,
(clears throat) which was then again doing it for all the wrong reasons.
At some level it seems that she knew the relationship would ultimately end.
I think it was very conflicting messages -- for both of us. I mean, I was kind of
confusing the situation by encouraging him. But I kind of felt that -- essentially I
knew that at one point I would take a big step back from his life. At least I could
know that he'd have, you know, a support network or people that would care
about him.
The views of family and friends impacted Participant 9 in terms of how they
would perceive her, judge her, be concerned for her, and how her own self judgment
based on their perceptual position impacted her.
Um... I suppose the fact when, you know, you do get a little bit older and people
are always saying do you have a boyfriend, are you in a relationship, the fact that
you can say yes, it's more of a -- a comfort, I suppose, because you can tell people
the truth and not lie about it.
Time. The structure of time is relevant to Participant 9 in terms of her own self
judgment about how long she was single for between relationships and the strong sense
that it was time to get into a relationship when she met her second boyfriend, despite the
above indicated warnings from others.
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Um... Well, I had been single for three years before going out with him and I
think a big part of it was me mentally wanting to -- to kind of move on, to prove
to myself that I could because I had a seven year relationship before that. So I
think a big part of it was, I think, me trying too hard, that, no, I can make this
work. You know, this can work, I can have a relationship, and I suppose I -- it's
not like, you know, we met and we fell in love and we started dating, it was more
that I kind of forced things maybe to happen. I thought, well, here's a [profession
of ex-boyfriend], you know, he's obviously got some money, he's not stupid, can
hold a conversation.
Causality. Finally, the structure of causality includes her father wanting her to be
in a relationship, feeling embarrassed to be single, having a belief that boyfriends are
meant to quell anxiety through frequent contact, not leaving a relationship soon enough,
and choosing a partner who seems good enough but is not really compatible, as indicated
by previous quotes in this section.
Textural-Structural Description for Participant 9
For Participant 9, her lived experience of romantic relationships is that they are
good in the first stages, until they get hard. The universal structures of relations to self,
relations to others, time, and causality illustrate her structural view of relationships, and
how her thoughts and feelings are aroused in romantic relationships.
Her relation to self is that she relinquishes locus of control to her relationship
partner who is then responsible for quelling her anxiety; this is a daunting and endless
role to fill. She judges herself for being single, which leads to the felt pressure to be in a
relationship, and which means her partner selection may have a focus on filling a role
versus being mindful of a truly compatible partner.
Second, her relation to others is such that she is mindful of being a good partner,
and the relationships are impacted by the relationship behavior that both she and her
partners bring to the relationships. Further, due to her desire to be in a relationship, she is
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fully aware of defining moments of when the relationship is possibly over or needs some
major shifts, but she does not necessarily act on those. Her relationship termination
behavior varies amongst partners, and is ultimately unremarkable in that there is minimal
drama. She does tend to ignore signs that the relationship is over and will only terminate
relationships when they have by far surpassed a point of viability.
Third, the structure of time plays in out in terms of her felt pressure to be in a
relationship. The irony is that she is wasting time in relationships that go beyond the
point of feasibility.
Fourth, the structure of causality is at play in terms of external factors that impact
the relationships, and defining moments that occur that indicate relationship termination
is an imminent decision.
Participant 10
The following section describes the textural, structural, and textural-structural
descriptions for this participant.
Textural Description for Participant 10
Relationships as a struggle. For Participant 10, romantic relationships are
described as “I think it -- I think in the past it's been a bit of a struggle.” Various issues
arose in each of her three major relationships. In her first relationship, it was a
commitment issue. “The other thing too is he kind of was I guess anti-commitment and
that really -- that was really difficult for me to swallow.” She also found:
And then also he wasn't affectionate. So that was another thing that -- I mean, the
sex was there. The sex was always good between us, but the -- in terms of, like,
hugging and, you know, all that kind of personal affection wasn't there either.
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In her third relationship, she felt less of a priority to his work.
He was just -- even now, like, he's just driven -- really driven with his work. So
whatever --…-- power -- all power to ya….But, um ... [So that will always be the
-- the first priority and -- ] ….The first wife, so to -- so to speak -- …-- yeah.
Partner selection - positives about the relationship. Participant 10 chose
partners from whom she could learn about various aspects of life, and with whom there
were many positives about the relationships.
I was pretty fascinated with anything new…just a different way of living. And so
I met [name of first boyfriend], and [he] actually had a very different upbringing
than I did. And so that really drew me to -- to him and just to exploring. I'm kind
of -- I like to explore and learn.
Not only did she learn about the external world, she found a sense of safety with
her first boyfriend. “And then being with [name of first boyfriend], although things were
not always great with us, he actually had taught me that it's -- how important it is to feel
safe in a relationship.”
This sense of safety transferred to a positive sex life with him.
We always had really good sex and it was always, like -- it was a good thing and
it was actually good. It was good because it taught me a lot about -- I mean, I had
an opportunity to feel safe –.
With her second boyfriend, she liked how he made her feel in the relationship.
He would always -- like, the way he treated me, he was very expressive, and he
just -- I really felt like I was the only one for him….And, like, he would make me
feel that way and he would say things and do things, behave in a way that made
me feel, like, really secure in the relationship.
Further, her third boyfriend expanded her geographical horizons by taking her travelling.
Yeah, so he would -- he would invite me out to the [country where boyfriend 3
lived]. He had done all his schooling [there], so he knew the [country] well. So
we would go there for a week and he'd invite me out to here and there. So we
would just do this whole globe, like, trotting kind of thing.
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Upset feelings and expression of those due to relationships. There were upset
feelings that Participant 10 experienced in her relationships. How this was expressed
early on was as follows:
Well, I -- I would say something, but the thing is it was so hard for me because I'd
be doing all the work, and I just didn't want to do, like, all the housework. And so
I'd just become, like -- I would just get really upset about it. And because I grew
up in a home where you do yell, I would be yelling and then [he], he would just
be silent because, you know, in his family it was -- the fact that you -- well, you
don't yell, which is actually quite a nice thing, but he also was taught that you
don't express yourself. So that was another issue for us.
She describes expressing her upset through behavior to get a response.
So, insecure and then -- also too, like, all that would -- all that, so the anger, the
insecure, it would just create -- I would create a lot of drama and I -- like, when it
came to stuff like affection or ex-- or him, like, not expressing, I would actually
do things just to -- just for -- you know, just to push the envelope but also to -how would I describe it? Just for a reaction I would do things that I normally
would never do but I'd just do it just to get a response.
Her anger would also impact the tone of their relationship.
Yeah, but I would do it in a very, how would you say it, passive aggressive sort of
way. I would never say to him, like, I'm fucking angry that you're not going to -that you don't want to get married or you don't want to marry me. Actually,
sometimes I think I would say that. (laughing) But ... But sometimes I'd also, like
-- I'd also just be angry just kind of under the surface and then it would just affect
everything.
Participant 10 describes her loneliness in her third relationship due to rarely seeing her
boyfriend.
And that would really actually make things -- you know, it's almost like a bipolar
thing in terms of, like, you really see the -- the extremes because the distance
would make me really upset, be very lonely at home. I'd just be thinking about it
all the time and doing all these things. I wasn't really too insecure about the
relationship, but just a lot of the thoughts that came up between and how it would
affect me.
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Ease of relating with partners. Despite the above stated upset, there was
substantial ease of relating that Participant 10 experienced with her partners. This
contributed to how she got into her first relationship.
And then we just hung out. It was -- like, it was easy, it was fun and, you know, I
think it just -- I mean, I don't want -- I don't know how to explain, you know, how
things become friendship to more, but you just -- you know, you become close,
you talk, talking a lot, hanging out a lot, and then, you know, that one day where
something, like, happens with a kiss and then there you go. So it sort of just
happens like that.
Participant 10 also learned to discuss upsets or issues calmly after her first
boyfriend taught her that.
Yeah, and then -- and then he's like, well, that's not what I meant. It's like, okay,
yeah, well, then why are you saying that? And it would be just be like -- it
wouldn't be, like, anything -- it would never be anything too emotional in terms of
our exchanges. I mean, like, in a nice way. It would never be like -- I would
never get into arguments with him. Even about stuff like that, it would just be
like, you know …. It would never be like a yelling match or anything dramatic at
all. It would be very -- very, like, easygoing. Even stuff like an exchange like that
-- it would just be me communicating and him responding and us having a
discussion about things.
Participant 10 was very partner focused in the early years of relationships.
I think for me it's -- you know, really in the past I've been -- I've been mostly
focused on the other person and what their -- like, being very sensitive to them
instead of placing my energy in myself and in focusing on my wishes and my
wants and all that good stuff. So in the past I would focus more on what he
wanted or how he was feeling or how he was responding. Like, I'd be very
sensitive to anything like that.
Defining moments that the relationship would not last. Participant 10 was
aware when defining moments in her relationships occurred that indicated the impending
termination.
…So he just kind of lost it at one point. He was, like, 41 or 42 and he just -- I
think he was a bit unhappy about where he was in his life professionally because
that's a big thing for -- big driver for men.
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About her second relationship, she stated: “Like, I know he was totally into me
and everything, but he would say some things that gave me a clear indication that he
wasn't ready to settle down with one person.”
Finally, in her third relationship, she noticed a series of untruths. “And I -- he had
kind of told me also, this is another lie, that he lived in Toronto, but he doesn't.”
Relationship termination feelings. Relationship terminations were very hard for
Participant 10. “Yeah, for me to not be with him and to go out with someone else, it
actually felt a lot to me like a divorce.” She experienced “heartbreak”:
-- I had no -- like, I couldn't go home to see my family because bullshit with my
dad, and then I just was alone for Christmas and I was very young at the time. It
was, like, one of the most heartbreaking times for me.
Relationship termination behavior. Participant 10 describes telling her first
boyfriend the relationship was over: “Yeah. So then I just said that was it. And then ...
It was really tough for me actually, probably, like, the most difficult of all my breakups.
And then -- but eventually I got over it, so ...” Participant 10 had met someone new
before she told her first boyfriend it was over.
And then at that point I had kind of officially told [name of first boyfriend] at the
time that, like, I was done because I didn't say I met someone new, but I did say
that I -- I actually felt comfortable at that time to -- to actually separate from -from [name of first boyfriend]. Like, kind of -- I mean in terms of the
relationship.
Moving on from relationship termination. Participant 10 described going
about new relationships. “So, you know, I'm not -- I'm only making, like, you know,
quote, unquote, good investments -- of my time and money -- my emotional energy.”
Further, she realized that she can move on. “So it kind of got me into the whole idea that
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I could maybe do this again and sort of the joy and fun of it if it -- you know, if you meet
the right person. However, she expresses being scared about future relationship choices:
Given all that, I am still a little bit scared that I -- I won't, like – how do I know
I'm not going to screw up this time? Not that I was screwing before, but how do I
know I'm going to make the right decision? Because the thing is if you're really
honest with yourself, you don't know -- you cannot know everything past, present
and future about a person or an experience, you know -- so you don't -- you can't
always make, like -- you make the best -- best decision for the information that
you have right now, but that's not always, like, if you had more information, you
might make a different decision.
Structural Description for Participant 10
Structures for Participant 10 are relation to self, relation to other, bodily concerns,
and causality. This section will discuss how her thoughts and feelings are aroused in
romantic relationships.
Relation to self. Participant 10’s relation to herself is one of independence and
autonomy due to her difficult relationship with her father. She had hoped that any of her
three relationships, would become long term, committed life partners.
I kind of just thought, you know, you meet someone and then you get together
and then you just -- that's it…. Like I had that belief and also too I had a personal
wish that -- like, my personal want was that I didn't -- I wanted to meet just one
person. Like, I'm not really a person to, like, be promiscuous, not that there's
anything wrong with that.
After the relationships were over, and now, in present, she has re-evaluated and
learned from her romantic relationships and partner choices. She believes that she can
give herself everything a relationship has, so she is ready to hopefully choose a good
partner.
So I've had some time to do that, although I'm not in something now, but I'm -like I said, it's something I'm going to be very choosey about -- because I don't
want to -- you know, it has to be -- it has to be that for me, like, where it's about
my needs and my wishes and it's not about someone else's. Also too, I think a lot
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has happened since then too because I'm -- I have, like I said, put a lot of energy
into myself, but thinking a lot about I don't really need a man to do a lot of things
for me.
Relation to other. For Participant 10, relation to other was influenced greatly by
her early, formative years with her parents, where her father was quite negative in the
household, abusive, mean, and bullying her mother and the children, including
Participant 10. Her mother was safe for Participant 10 and they had a very positive
relationship. There was substantial negative role modeling of relationship as a struggle,
and of negative relationship behaviors by her mother and both of her parents. This
included her parents yelling when they had disagreements, and her mother leaving when
there was a relationship upset, creating a lot of drama in the home. Sometimes her mom
would take her with her when she left, and sometimes she would not. It caused terror in
Participant 10 as she could not bear the thought of losing her mom.
And when I was a very young girl, my -- my mom and my dad would get into
those huge blowouts, right? My mom's pretty ballsy and so is my dad. So they're,
like, having these blowouts and I was a very young girl. I was the only one
because my brother came about five years later….Yeah, after I did. So my
parents would have these blowouts. They'd be yelling. And then I didn't know
what to do because I was, you know, obviously just a little kid. And then my
mom would take off in the car and my dad would chase her, like, in another
car….Yeah, and they would be -- and sometimes my mom would actually take me
with her. And sometimes when she didn't, I would just go friggin' ballistic
because, you know, you can't do without a mom really.
It was a concern for her as an adult of whether her partners would want her
enough, and be committed enough, and do what was required enough to keep her happy
in the relationship. She learned her parent’s negative relationship behavior and
unconsciously played it out with boyfriend 1.
So when I started dating [name of first boyfriend], throughout the whole
relationship whenever anything would get, like, that I would just leave or I would
just, like -- if he, like, pissed me off at dinner or something, then I would just -- I
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would just say, you know -- I don't think I would even say anything. I would just
get up and go and I'd leave him alone at the -- at the -- at the dinner table in the
(laughing) restaurant.
She did not yell or walk out on the next two boyfriends, as boyfriend 1 taught her that
there were other ways to express herself.
Participant 10 yearned for the attention and commitment of boyfriends 1 and 3
with whom there were 10 to 15 year age differences. She had a positive relationship with
boyfriend 2, but they were ultimately not destined to not be together due to cultural and
life stage differences, and different aspirations. These differences showed her a very
different world from where she came from.
Yeah, so it was a very accomplished family. I think maybe that's -- at that time, I
guess probably even so now, I'm pretty drawn to that….I would say, yes, I'm very
drawn to that. That would be, like, a running theme through my relationships.
In relation to others, it is very likely that she did not have a sense of safety in her
home, with her father as described, and the conflicts her parents got into. When she found
a sense of safety in her romantic relationships, and with boyfriend 1 this led to great sex
due to him also being sexually skilled.
You know, I'm not going to, like, go and hit orgasm just because I'm, like, with a
guy. It's like I need to feel safe. I need to feel like he's a good guy. I need to feel
like, you know, all that other kind of stuff that's important, right?
Bodily concerns. For Participant 10, bodily concerns and her views of her body
as sacred and wanting only few partners was and is a key value. She viewed giving
herself sexually as special and sacred and did not do so until she was in committed
relationships. This strong belief possibly contributed to her wanting to work things out
with partners.
It was sort of like in December I had sort of said, okay, we're done, but then
there's always that kind of, like -- if -- if the person can change, whatever, maybe
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he could -- you know, but -- I wasn't really hoping it would change, I just -- I
mean, we get along, so it was kind of -- it'd be nice if -- if the logistics were there,
right -- but they weren't.
Causality. Causality may have impacted Participant 10 due to her relationship
with her father, and how she related to her first boyfriend. She was exposed to poor role
modeling by her parents of romantic relating.
And then, yeah, it was -- it was hard because when we'd get together, you know,
because I wasn't seeing him regularly, I wasn't seeing him very often, sometimes I
-- it would be very hard for me to get -- like, not get along with him, but it would
be very hard for me to be close to him….Yeah [to reconnect with him], because I
-- it was like almost like we have to restart -- you know. And I would just be like
-- and I'm not someone who's into, like -- I'm not -- I don't give myself out easy.
Finally, when she learned information about each guy in the relationship that
would not take her to her long term goal of commitment with them, she was able to end
the relationship, but not immediately. “And I just kind of ended it on my own terms, on
my own time. I didn't say anything to him because he doesn't -- he won't own that he's -that he's older than he said he was.”
Textural-Structural Description for Participant 10
For Participant 10, relationships have been a struggle, but she is at peace with her
past boyfriends, and is hopeful for a positive relationship in the future. The significant
universal structures for Participant 10 are relation to self, bodily concerns, causality, and
relation to other.
Participant 10’s relation to self is positive. She is confident in herself and wants to
have a partner who will enhance her life, and she wants to continually improve herself.
However, she does not have the support of her family, despite a loving relationship with
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her mother. She has had to rely on herself and has looked to partners to learn from them
about life and to be a means of support.
Her bodily concerns are that she wants to have very few sexual partners. This
value was learned and integrated through her family’s influences. She is able to enjoy
sexual interactions when there is a trusting relationship with a skilled partner.
Her parents had a highly conflictual relationship, and her father engaged in
emotional upsets with her, resulting in years of being estranged at a time. Her family
lives in a small town. For Participant 10, romantic relationships were a means to learn
about life and how to improve herself. She learned new ways of being in the world,
including to not have a conflictual interaction pattern with her partners, and this
positively impacted her life goals and dreams. She got educated and found a better job,
improved her hobbies and life experiences such as day to day relating, and travelled. In
the past, her romantic relationship behaviors of yelling, walking out, and acting out were
a result of what was role modeled to her through her parent’s marriage, how she was
treated by her father, and the family atmosphere.
She learned from her past behavior through her first boyfriend’s feedback and
teaching, and improved her communication style and relationship behavior, such as to not
walk out and yell. She carried this into subsequent relating with him and future partners.
She genuinely wants to be a good partner.
Participant 11
The following section describes the textural, structural, and textural-structural
descriptions for this participant.
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Textural Description for Participant 11
Relationship as struggle/painful/hard. Romantic relationships for Participant
11 have been a struggle and painful. “I think the first thing that I … that feels to me …
that comes to me is -- a struggle, and painful, quite painful ….” She also said they have
been hard. “Yeah. It’s been so hard the last two years. It’s been so hard.”
Wants deep connection. Participant 11 said she wants to connect deeply. She
stated, “oh, very, sort of, [clears throat] really wanting something –…-- deep and really
… really to connect with somebody.” She has an idea of what kind of partner this would
entail:
And I always had this idea of this partner, and I really built it up in my mind and
my imagination just went wild. And, you know, I believed in this … this love
that’s so solid and forever and….
Her sabotaging relationship behaviors. However, Participant 11 said that she
tends to sabotage relationships. “And I… And I felt like … but when I when I would
meet people I think I tended to just, kind of, sabotage it, without even knowing it.” She
went on to say that she pushes and tests guys.
It’s almost like I had a self-fulfilling prophecy going….Oh, they would leave me
anyway and … so I might as well just … not knowingly, not knowing consciously
I was doing that, but …I thought maybe … I think I just wanted to push, maybe,
and test and see how far it would go… before they would leave.
Pursuing or yearning for partner. Participant 11 thinks about partners and the
relationship she was currently in frequently. “I would think about it all the time….I
would think about him all the time.” She wants her current boyfriend to marry her, and
this is a source of conflict.
I found that when he came home … we still argued, because my big thing now
with him is knowing whether we’re going to get engaged and … or married,
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because I really want that….Oh, yeah. I’m the crazy lady who’s always pushing
for it. [laughter] I know, I know. [laughter]
Participant 11 pursues guys who do not pursue her. “Because we weren’t seeing each
other on a regular basis….And so he would just … and it was me usually making the
initiative …”
Felt unsafe in committed relationships. While she wants a deep relationship,
she finds that she feels unsafe when they become committed.
And we were only together maybe for three or four months, but he was the kind
of guy who invited me over to his house, made me dinner, played the guitar for
me when I was falling asleep, would pick me up. Like, he was just a real … like
what a boyfriend should be like…. I think he wanted it to go there. Like, I think
we were pretty committed. …I just … again, I … for some reason, I … I didn’t
feel safe.
She felt suffocated when a boyfriend’s mother made her a gift.
I was with another guy and it was a really nice relationship. And I don’t think I
was acting weird in it, except when his mother knitted a blanket for me, and I had
to start going over to his house and meeting his parents, and I just broke up with
him because it was, like, suffocating.
Her feelings due to relationships. Participant 11 finds that she experiences
emotional pain in her current relationship. “And [clears throat] the most, like,
emotionally painful breakdowns I have are in this relationship, that I’ve ever experienced
in my life.” She feels needy and wants reassurance.
Think so. And then just being more, you know, affectionate and … and … but
then, see, I think, “Is it me? Am I too needy? Do I need too much of that?” or …
or is it that what we have is okay and I’m just … I need constant reassurance.
Positives about relationships. Participant 11 has experienced many positives in
her relationships. “I think that we had a connection that was quite nice….And there were
definitely really beautiful parts about it.” She experienced enjoyment and being treated
well in a relationship that she describes:
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And I was, again, only with him for a few months. And he was amazing to me as
well, just very kind of what I was looking for, more quiet, would cook for me, you
know. But I think it happened really fast. As soon as we got together … we
would see each other almost every day. He would pick me up from work, we
would take long walks and just talk a lot and … I was into the whole dance music
scene at the time, I was going out dancing. And he was DJ too, so it was just like
a dream. I think it was just awesome. [laughter] I was, like, floating all the time.
Relationship termination behavior. Acted on past relationship defining
moments. Participant 11’s relationship termination behavior is that in some
relationships, she would act on defining moments and break up with the guy. “And
maybe it was a bit co-dependent, which probably isn’t too healthy. And then … but we
broke up because he started being mean to my cat.” About another situation, she
described:
And so he was a great guy, and there was great chemistry and … he had some
strange issues though. He would talk a lot about politics and he would want to …
he had this … all these ideas about how he wanted to change the world and …
like, political ideas. And some of them, I thought, ‘This is just a bit weird,’
because they were kind of conservative and I’m very, like, liberal and … artsy
and … so I was just like, well, this could be a problem down the road. If we’re
ever married or have kids, I don’t want them growing up in this kind of
environment….And so I just broke up with him because I knew … I knew. And
then I lost my attraction for him. I couldn’t be with him physically anymore, like,
I couldn’t be physical.
Does not act on current relationship defining moments. However, in her current
relationship, she is not acting on defining moments.
Sometimes, you know, I have my doubts and I feel [name of Participant 11’s
current boyfriend] gets angry sometimes, not just … and not at me, but just at the
world or how unjust the world is. And he doesn’t like … you know, he doesn’t
like religion, organized religions and … I can understand it because I don’t like
them either, but he’s so harsh when he speaks about people and I don’t … I’m not
like that. Like, I just … you know.
Further, she describes:
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Maybe fifty [percentage of time is happy in relationship]. That’s why it’s so hard
to make a decision to … whether to stay or go, because there’s so many … so
much good about the relationship, but so much that there isn’t.
Relationship termination feelings. When relationships terminate, Participant 11
feels sad or angry. “And I thought he already moved on, and I was really heartbroken
about it because he had to move out and I was really sad.” She said, “my friends just say
that they remember me being very angry for about a year.”
Partner selection. Wanted her back and this made her mad. When choosing
boyfriends, Participant 11 found that in one situation she was turned off by the guy
wanting to get back together with her.
I did, but he tried to … well, he was trying to get back together….And he came to
my parents’ house when I was visiting them for Christmas, on Christmas day, and
he brought, like, a dozen roses and –….Yeah, just showed up out of nowhere. My
whole family’s like, ‘What’s going on?’ And I just told him, ‘This is really
inappropriate and it’s not’ … you know, ‘I’m not comfortable and ….’
Non-committal. In most of her other relationships, including her current one,
commitment was an issue, such as “… he wasn’t ready for a relationship.” In university,
she had a non-committed relationship. “My [clears throat] next significant one was with
this guy, on and off, for four years during school.” She described it as “… great literature
and … and he’s an amazing artist. But he also has a drinking problem. And at that time
when I was younger it seemed fine, we’d just go out and get drunk. It’s university.”
When this relationship ended, she said: “Mm-hm. I care about him very deeply. And
still I do.”
Could not meet her needs. The men she dated could not meet her needs. “And
the person I was with was very emotionally demanding and he was … I think maybe he
was depressed. So I was the caretaker a lot….Like, he would cry and I would comfort
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him.” Further, she said, “And I liked him so much. I think I was so in love with him, and
he just wasn’t able to give me emotionally what I needed, at all.”
Partners’ relationship behavior. She tried to tell partners about her needs in a
constructive manner.
I … I think … [clears throat] like, I’ve tried explaining to him what I need
without being mean about it.….So I’ll never say, ‘You never do this. You never
…’ I’ll just be like, ‘I really need to hear this. It would mean so much to me and
make me so happy.’ ….But he still doesn’t –….His … always, his response is,
‘I’m not enough for … you’re always criticizing me. I’m always being
criticized.’
She described her needs not being met.
I had a very high fever and I had my own apartment. I was living on my own.
And he was calling … he called me to see if I wanted to go out and I was like,
‘I’m really sick and I, kind of, really need someone here,’ and … and I remember
he just said, ‘Oh, okay. Well, I’m sorry. I’ll see you next week,’ or something.
So he wasn’t really there for me at all and – I … I don’t know what I thought at
that time. But after that it … it changed.
Productive relationship behaviors: self soothing/life balance. Participant 11
tried to have productive relationship behaviors of self soothing and life balance. “And in
that moment it’s the adult’s responsibility to say, ‘I’m … you’re okay. I’m comforting
you, everything’s fine, but you have to stop because you’re not that child, because I’m
here too, and I’m an adult.’” When she had relationship difficulties she tried to go out
with friends. “And … and it was very difficult. I really tried. I mean, I did go out with
my friends, had a good time, because I knew I had to keep doing that just to stay happy.”
She also engages in what makes her happy, which she describes as “work, exercise,
family, and friends.”
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Structural Description for Participant 11
The structures for Participant 11 are causality, relation to self, relation to other,
and time. This section will discuss how her thoughts and feelings are aroused in romantic
relationships.
Causality. The theme of causality is paramount to Participant 11’s thoughts or
feelings being aroused on either end of a spectrum of feeling rejected or yearning for a
relationship, to feeling wanted and suffocated in a relationship, and it is intertwined with
her relationship with romantic others.
I want him to be married to me. I want him to want that feeling, that desire and
… I want to get the sense from him that I’m the woman for him and he doesn’t
want to let me go, and … and I’m so important in his life that he wouldn’t want to
lose me. … No, no [doesn’t get the feeling from him]. I don’t know why, but I
don’t.
While she desires connection, she idealizes what a partner or romantic life could
be. However, when she is in a committed relationship with a guy who wants to be
committed, she feels suffocated. She also fears that those who love her will hurt her, and
what deeper pain can there be than from someone she deeply loves causing her pain.
I think I felt very insecure – and I felt that the person that I’m with would leave
me. So maybe I … [pause] You know, I’m not sure. I think I would just behave
in an insecure way and … and I would be upset many times, and I couldn’t really
explain to the person why and they were very confused. And I think [clears
throat] with two of the relationships I can think of that were, you know … and
then I think back, I’m like, oh, there was really nothing wrong with the person, it
was just me kind of being in this weird place, and they probably couldn’t deal
with it and then so they left. So it’s almost like I … I kind of created what I was
mostly afraid of.
Relation to self. Her relation to self is such that she is happiest and least anxious
when she is alone, but has a high desire for a romantic relationship. “I … I don’t like to
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admit it, but I am one of those people who gets scared when I think about being alone, in
that way, where I have to look for other people.”
Relation to other. Her relation to other is inevitably painful and unsafe. Her
comfort level is in pursuing the other and in meeting the other’s emotional needs.
One of the biggest things is that he doesn’t say ‘I love you’ and I … I really want
to hear it. And I know that he does, and when things get really … you know, we
get into an argument [pause] he’ll say, ‘You know I love you. You know I love
you,’ but I want to hear it more like … just without having to ask.
When she does not get an emotional need met, she acts this out with her partner.
And with him I’m just like, ‘What’s happening to me? Why are you bringing out
this person?’ ….And there are times when I [physically] pushed him….Because I
was like, ‘How can you leave me? How can you keep abandoning me?’ and I’d
keep pushing. He’s obviously a lot bigger than me and ….So he … you know. I
mean, I … but I still fear, like, there’s a sense of fear in him when I do that, but …
and I feel absolutely horrible.
Time. The theme of time impacts Participant 11 in such a way that she questions
if her current and difficult relationship has been a waste of time, and how her life goals
may be impacted by being in this relationship or ending it, and how being single again at
the age of 35 would appear to others.
There are moments when I feel, ‘Was this just such a waste of time?’ and I …
whenever I have those anxiety moments, you know, I’m on the floor crying and
unaware of anything that’s going on around me….And I keep thinking, ‘How
could I give away three years of my life to this?’
Textural-Structural Description for Participant 11
For Participant 11, what she deeply yearns for – a deep romantic connection – has
caused her tremendous pain, and has been an ongoing struggle. The fundamental themes
of causality, relation to self, relation to others, and time are all critically at play for her
experience of romantic relationships.
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First, causality has been at play due to the idealized view of what a relationship
can be, which no partner may be able to live up to. Her partner selection has prevented
her from reaching her goal. She has chosen partners who either suffocate her or cause her
to yearn and who do not meet her needs and evoke deep, painful emotions due to feeling
rejected and not attuned to. Also, her own relationship behaviors, beliefs, and feelings
have all ultimately impacted how she relates to partners.
Second, her relation to self also impacts her goal for a deep connection. She
judges herself for having intense emotions or for being single, which ultimately will
impact authentic relating, and patient, sound partner selection.
Third, her relation to other impacts her goal. She yearns for deep connection, yet
those she allows herself to love evoke intense pain and anxiety from her, as well as her
attention-seeking acting out behaviors.
Finally, time is on her mind. She wonders if she has wasted time on unproductive
relationships. It remains to be determined if she will let go of an unfulfilling relationship
if she irrationally perceives this as losing time to try to reach her goal of being in a
committed relationship.
Participant 12
The following section describes the textural, structural, and textural-structural
descriptions for this participant.
Textural Description for Participant 12
Partner selection. Participant 12 would meet and attach to a guy.
Yeah, and a lot of my relationships I think have – have been about that, have been
about like – and a lot of the men have been very different from each other.
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Because I would think, okay, so that didn’t work but now this must be what I
need. And then I would go – I would find it; I would go out, find it and then just
attach myself to that person, so.
She would then notice incompatibilities, such as, “And he was verbally – he was just
abusive.” Sometimes she would notice these incompatibilities before they started dating.
And I started dating him, and he drove me crazy. I wasn’t attracted to him, I
didn’t even – like on first impressions couldn’t stand him. I didn’t even warm up
to him, I just started dating him….He’d written this poem….And that meant he
really – he really liked me. He picked me out of all these people, without even
knowing me and with seeing a lot of I’d say my bad side, because I’d been kind of
rude to him. I was like oh, then he’ll, you know, he’ll really love me, he’ll really
like me. So I started dating him.
Relationship behavior. Participant 12 allowed herself to be in casual
relationships, with the hope that they would become committed relationships.
So I wouldn’t see him for a week at a time, maybe two; then he would call me
whenever he was ready and I would be right there and we would hang out. We’d
sometimes go to parties together; sometimes I’d just see him at parties with
someone else. And I was – I just was like, in order to, you know, keep him as
whatever he is to me, I’ll just accept this. And it hurt a lot.
Participant 12 would display strong emotions for attention from boyfriends.
So -- the interesting thing is I started to have a lot of freak outs. I can’t remember
what they were about…. where I’d go to his house late at night and I would just,
you know I’d cry and he’d be like ‘I got to work tomorrow, like I can’t – I don’t
know what’s wrong but you need to like figure this out. You need to get help or
something.’ Or he’d call my friend… and he would say, you know ‘I need help. I
don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s wrong with her but she’s having
another panic attack or anxiety attack.’ And he just was like ‘I need my life back.
Like I work, I get up early, I have a dog to walk, I’ve got stuff to do and I can’t do
this. I can’t stay up with you all night.’
Her friends also tried to give her guidance about pacing the relationship.
…and she’s like ‘You’re ruining it for all of us’. And I was like ‘What?’ And
her, the guy she was seeing said ‘Seriously guys’, he’s like ‘Way too fast.’ He’s
like ‘You’re ruining it, the four of us have such a fun good thing going’ and he’s
like ‘and you guys are on like the road to disaster.’ He’s like ‘Just you guys have
to chill the fuck out.’
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His relationship behavior. A guy she dated casually tried to drug and rape her.
Yeah. So from you know that night on the dream of [name of drug dealer exboyfriend] and I being together was – was over [he had tried to rape her after he
lied about the pot being mild – it was exceptionally strong and she passed out]. I
accepted that and I was – I was angry, but I was just – I was more so ashamed that
I – I was less angry more ashamed for sure.
Her husband at the time did not support her during a major medical illness.
And I would say to him ‘I’m scared, like what if I die?’ [she had cancer] And he
would just be like pat me on the back, because at this point we’re just so almost
estranged. Like it’s weird, we had a very deep friendship on a level, but not – not
an intimate – we wouldn’t hug, we didn’t – he would pat me and be like ‘You’ll
be okay’ and then he would just go sleep in the spare room, like.
Relationship belief: strong focus on being in a relationship. Participant 12 is very
focused on being in a relationship.
And I’m like ‘No, but you don’t understand. Like I was like – I felt as crazed as
you do’, it’s just the outcome wasn’t just to have children and start a family, it
was like I needed love; like I needed someone to love me. I really did, truly.
She would rush into relationships.
And then the problem with that is, because I tend to rush in, I would say many of
the boyfriends I’ve had, I haven’t really chosen them properly. And they weren’t
necessarily the best partners for me, but I would sort of hang on and – and make
sure that we stayed together no matter what.
Further, she said, “It’s like to me, if a relationship – it’s – this is changing, like crazily,
quickly changing, I don’t know how, but it’s been like, to me, if a relationship isn’t
turbulent it’s not a real relationship.”
Participant 12 would be very focused on the relationship she was in.
Like I was comfortable with the fact that – that I’d done that. And he had done
similar things. Like we both were just really, we just wanted each other to stay
focused on each other and it was – it was pretty unhealthy, so. But at the time I
would have never thought it was unhealthy. I thought that this is all I wanted and
without him I really did feel like life wouldn’t go on.
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Relationship feelings. Participant 12 experienced many upset feelings through
her relationships, such as feeling hurt.
So I wouldn’t see him for a week at a time, maybe two; then he would call me
whenever he was ready and I would be right there and we would hang out. We’d
sometimes go to parties together; sometimes I’d just see him at parties with
someone else. And I was – I just was like, in order to, you know, keep him as
whatever he is to me, I’ll just accept this. And it hurt a lot.
She felt an all-time low when she almost got raped.
And he’s [good male friend] like ‘Do you know what he just did to [name of
Participant 12]?’ And he explained it [she almost got raped after being
purposefully drugged]. And [2nd boyfriend in high school] was like “You’re
such a slut.” And it was like….Yeah. So [name of good male friend] took me
home. And that was sort of the, like the lowest I think I’ve ever felt, just realizing
that.
Participant 12 was angry when an earlier boyfriend cheated. “So yeah, anyways I
pushed him into – I mean not that I pushed him, that’s – that’s silly, but it [the boyfriend
cheated on her] had happened. And of course I – I used that as like mega fuel to just hate
on that guy.”
Improved relationship behavior/beliefs/feelings due to secure relationship.
Participant 12 has been in a secure relationship for three years, and has experienced
different relationship behaviors, beliefs, and feelings. “It – it’s – it’s really – it’s strange.
But that I’m just sort of trying to breathe through and just get comfortable with it [no
drama].” She noticed that she is not crying when her partner works out the country.
And I’m – I’m in a good place right now but, as I said on the way here, for a split
second I was like woo, why aren’t I crying anymore? He’s in [name of country],
he’s working in [name of country] right now for three months and I’m fine with it.
She described his approach to her behaviors:
And yeah, we’ve just – we’ve worked through a lot of this stuff and it’s been
great. But there just, with him, is that I’ve tried all my tricks, so jealous rages,
crying all night long, trying to keep him up for that, and he’s just like ‘I love you,
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I care about you, I’ll hold you, you know, for an hour, but if you need to cry all
night, I need to go to sleep and get to work and I’m going to down’ – we have a –
we bought….So we’re now committed in a relationship. We have a house, like
jump three years later.
Relationship termination behavior. With two of her past partners, she had a
chance to talk about the relationship with them.
He – it’s funny, him and I have – it was – he’s one of the few early relationships I
had where we’ve actually talked it out and apologized to each other for a lot of
it…. Yeah, and I got to apologize for, you know, almost breaking his finger, for
just all the outrage and all the jealousy and all the – and I thanked him for not –
for not staying with me.
You know, I’m like ‘It could have been one of the worst – I would have never
learned; I might have, but there’s a good chance that I would have never learned
and I would have just made your life hell, like, and vice versa’, you know, stuck it
out, because I’m a committer. Like I’ll – I’ll commit (laughing).
With her ex-husband, they had a conversation to end the relationship.
And by 10:00 we’re cheering to our break up. We’re feeling – he’s like ‘I’m
feeling good, I feel’ – and we’re both like, we – he’s like ‘Don’t you feel like
running around the street screaming?’ And I’m like ‘Yes’. (Laughing) And then
we’re like cheers to like we’re going to work through this and like do this all right
and be friends. And we’re totally friends. [sniffles/cries]
At an earlier time when her ex-husband broke up with her, she was very upset.
He was like ‘There’s something about you that I’m very attracted to’, he’s like
‘but there’s something about you I know I just I don’t want – I don’t want a
relationship with you, not right now.’ And I basically stalked him for – I called
him non-stop, I – I just wouldn’t leave him alone. Very desperate pleas to – to
hang out, to, you know ‘Just see me one more time, like I miss your dog’, like just
oh my God, all this crazy stuff.
Structural Description for Participant 12
For Participant 12, the structures of causality, relation to self, and relation to other
are at play. This section will discuss how her thoughts and feelings are aroused in
romantic relationships.
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Causality. Being in any relationship was more important to Participant 12 than
being alone. The role modeling of her parents in their abusive relationship with each
other have contributed to her relationship beliefs and behaviors.
I know that it’s my parents; it’s what I’ve seen. And…my mom … she’s just
angry and hate – hateful towards my dad. And he is too, like just throw – they
throw blocks on top of blocks of – of anger and hatred. But she will not leave
him….Never. And I’ve realized that I think I’ve been hearing that my entire life
and I really just learned to hang on tight, hold on tight. Because they’ll never love
you as much as you love them and if you don’t hang on tight enough they’ll just
replace you with someone else, like.
Her mother treated her as a best friend and started confiding in Participant 12
around the age four about her own very challenged relationship with Participant 12’s dad.
The message was that the relationship would not necessarily be happy, you might get
mad at your partner and be angry and punish them, but you would never leave the
relationship. “….it’s just my mom is my mirror; like she, oh – and so everything I see in
her I’ve done it. I’ve done it, I’ve said it….”
Her mother role modeled to her that you stay in relationships no matter what.
“And they weren’t necessarily the best partners for me, but I would sort of hang on and –
and make sure that we stayed together no matter what.”
Relation to self. Participant 12’s relationship to herself is one that illustrates her
lack of self-esteem and inability to be alone.
I didn’t have enough self-worth to – I didn’t deserve this man. And so then I set
out almost to prove yes I did, and I’m going keep him. Like I’m going to have
him, he’s going to – we’re going to stay together and I’m going to prove all these
people wrong. But I didn’t even want it. Like it’s funny, I didn’t want it, I just
wanted [to prove it]….
Participant 12 has a belief that being in romantic relationships is her critical goal
and that this will solve particular life issues and make her feel “grounded”, “loved”, “fill
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a void”, and not “lost”. However, she fears being left by partners. She rushes into
relationships with partners whom she barely knows, or who are not compatible upon
getting to know each other.
So anyways, I remember thinking he’s too young and that’s what I – I ran with. I
was like he’s too young, I can’t keep [name of younger guy P12 dated] in this like
little confined space and, you know, eventually marry him; I can’t. And – but I
think what was really going on, I remember distinctly thinking – feeling all of a
sudden like I’m too old to have him, I’m not attractive enough, I’m not artistic,
you know I’ve got no hobbies at this point, I had not a hobby in sight, I did
nothing in my spare time except for hang out with people and talk about
relationships. And I remember thinking it’s not enough, he’ll never – he’ll never
stay with me.
Relation to other. As a result, potential relationship candidates would not be
properly screened by her, and she would fill the space in her life with someone who
seemed good enough at the moment.
And I felt like in order for a relationship to work perhaps that can’t be there. I
also strongly – I think I started to, I think, started to strongly correlate a lack of
attraction and like almost like fire and passion with I wouldn’t get hurt.….All that
was still there, I just didn’t – I’d find myself sitting with them in public and
wondering how did I choose this person to be my partner? Like I don’t know how
this happened.
Being with someone was more important than the right person. “Like I would
invest not in the people, in the relationship; I would be like ‘We’re going to make this
work, we’re going to be – we’ll be together forever’.”
Her low self-esteem impacted her relationship behavior.
I would just sort of compulsively be in places where I might find him. I just was
constantly trying to be around where he might be, in the hopes that…he would,
you know, realize that I was the person that he actually wanted to become a good
boyfriend with. And it was – it was pretty pathetic.
When she felt like a guy she met a party might not want a relationship with her, she
described:
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…and I was just thinking yeah, I really like him. But the more I thought that in
my head the more I found myself thinking he’s not going to like me. And I was
consciously almost like putting the feelers out, the mental feelers to see if there’s
anyone else that would have been a better fit for me.
She is able to relate more effectively to her current partner because he simply will not
tolerate her acting out.
…he’s like ‘But I’m not committing [to] this now, like we just have to see how it
goes’. And it was really hard for me to do. There was a lot of uncertainty… it just
feels really nice, yet really bad, but really nice. And it felt really good to be
honest with someone. And yeah, we’ve just – we’ve worked through a lot of this
stuff and it’s been great. But there just, with him, is that I’ve tried all my tricks,
so jealous rages, crying all night long, trying to keep him up for that, and he’s just
like ‘I love you, I care about you, I’ll hold you, you know, for an hour, but if you
need to cry all night, I need to go to sleep and get to work and I’m going to
down[stairs]’ – we have a – we bought… [a house].
Textural-Structural Description for Participant 12
Causality is at play for Participant 12 as she has tremendous insight into how her
early life impacted her relationally, and owns that much of her previous relationship
upsets were her fault, due to her held beliefs about relationships and men then, and her
behavior in those. She grew up witnessing the highly conflictual relationship of her
parents, and being her mother’s confident. All of this contributed to her formative role
models impacting her view of self and relationships, and she formulated her erroneous
views of relationships that despite the relationship not being happy and fulfilling, you
stay no matter what, but you have the right to blame them, to act out excessively through
expressing your anger, panic, and disappointment regularly and unproductively, through
crying, yelling, screaming, or the like. She tolerated mistreatment, verbal abuse, noncommittal relationships, being used for sex, and not having her needs met when she had
cancer.
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Her deep fear of partners leaving her combined with her low self-esteem caused
her to stay with or pursue very unsuitable partners. She describes herself as having many
longer term relationships or relationships for a few years in duration, because she does
not like to end relationships. Due to being so reliant on a relationship, she usually
searched for immediate relationship replacements, which she hastily chose.
Participant 12’s relation to self has resulted in an ingrained sense of the need for a
romantic relationship with other in order to compensate for her feelings of deficiency.
Overall, relationships have been a means to a particular end. In particular, she has a
fantasy that relationships are the source of saving her, her being okay, and a means of
escape from the now. Her view is that relationships will help her to fill a void, and to not
feel alone or lost, and to feel loved and grounded. When relationships ended, she was lost
and very sad. When she was a teenager and young adult, she viewed relationships as a
means to move out of her parent’s home, away from their terrible marriage.
Her relation to other is one of necessity of having a partner. She has a need for a
relationship to solve her life problems, she would rush into relationships, and she made
very poor partner selections. Since she would not take time to get to know them, nor to
assess for compatibility, the relationships were usually incompatible and unhealthy.
Ironically, she chose guys whom she feared would leave her, tended to choose guys who
mistreated her, and continued to be in relationship with, and returned to these same guys,
if they broke up with her. She would stay in them, regardless that they were not a good
fit, as being in a relationship was the key priority. She would display emotional outbursts
of jealousy, anxiety, and upset and be seemingly inconsolable by her partners. She
believed that if there was not drama in a relationship, something was wrong. She made
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peace with two significant past partners. She improved her relationship behavior with her
current partner, as he would not tolerate it.
Participant 13
The following section describes the textural, structural, and textural-structural
descriptions for this participant.
Textural Description for Participant 13
Partner selection. Participant 13 described her lived experiences of romantic
relationships as: “They have been tough. …There has been a lot of fulfilling—there have
been fulfilling moments. And there has been disappointment and heartbreak and perhaps
the best word would be struggle”. The true love of her life was gay.
I felt we were very open and vulnerable to one another and it created a bond that,
although there were factors that truly would have been serious impediments to
this relationship proceeding—and I'll be very, very frank, my first relationship
was with a gay man….I knew he was gay, he had confided that to me very, very
early in the relationship.
She stated that she was not interested or attracted to her second husband.
[name of second husband] was—I will use the word ‘boyfriend’ but I really was
not attracted to [name of second husband] right from the outset…. He was very
smitten with me, was very pursuant, was a very good, solid man. But I wasn't
interested in him, I wasn't attracted to him.
She described her third husband as follows:
One very big thing is sexually and emotionally. [name of current husband] is an
intellect. He's a university professor. He lives in his head. The long and short of it
is that he is dissociated with his emotions and his emotions are repressed. He is
not—for other reasons entirely, he's not emotionally capable of being empathic.
And at the early outset of our relationship, it was already there. It was already
evident.
Negative relationship beliefs. Participant 13 assumed both her and her partner
would be faithful.
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But I was so in love with him and I so wanted to give this a go that I went on with
that. And then I never brought up the topic of his homosexuality after we had
married. I assumed that we both had the value of fidelity, so that he wouldn't be
seeking out sexual partners outside of the relationship.
She wondered if she ever would have left that relationship.
And even when—I would—maybe the thought crossed my mind, but I would
never have done that [left the relationship]. Sometimes I wonder if he hadn't left
the relationship and even taken up my offer for open sexuality, whether I'd still be
long-suffering in that relationship. So in a sense, he forced my hand at, you know,
extracting myself from a not good relationship, which I probably wouldn't have
the wherewithal.
Participant 13 allowed the partner’s needs to override her own.
So he also really pressured me to get married. I can't tell you how many times he
got down his knees — and formally proposed. He has a kind of formality to him.
And while it is very charming, I'm thinking ‘hold it, I'm just not ready for this’.
But he was very, very insistent and somehow I thought that I would quell his
anxiety by marrying him and then things would be better afterwards.
Her negative relationship feelings. Participant 13 had many upset feelings
about her three relationships. “This is a story of me going from one unhappy relationship
to another and really selling out, you know.” She feels much loss over her first marriage.
I have to say to this day, it has been, despite the fact that that turned out
abysmally horrible and with lots of pain, still when I think back on that
relationship, I still have a lot of feeling. I have a lot of loss, hurt. I'm tearing up
thinking about it now. [begins to be tearful and to cry]
She described feeling left and abandoned.
He’d get home and I’d be upset. He would go into a kind of withdrawal mood.
Um, I would wanna talk about it. Of course, never being explicit that it had
anything to do with sex, just talking about, about the, uh, you know, the feeling of
being left and abandoned.
Participant 13 felt damaged after her first marriage.
Yes. But then things got so bad afterwards and, and I got so damaged I think by
that relationship….It damaged me that it's unfathomable for me to imagine how a
person with whom you can have such a close relationship with—….Yes [almost
best friends]. Can turn on you so much. If he was deceiving me about the
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closeness, I could put that in another category in my mind. But I don't see that as a
deception. I think that we really had that.
She recalls: “I remember having the children all with me and he would kiss each
of them goodnight excluding me”. In contrast, she described sex with her second
husband as: “And I didn't even like him on my body. It was like—this sounds very
cruel—…. It sounds like slobbering all over me.” Further, she explained interacting with
her third husband. “Like I would get upset and ask him, you know, to be there,
supportive or empathic with me, and he would just say ‘oh gosh, we're in a crazy land’,
you know. And then I would feel pathologized.” Finally, she expressed her
disappointment about sex with her third husband.
Sexually, after we first made love, I cried. …It was so disappointing. Because the
last—the—to the degree that he can't be emotionally sensitive, he can't be—I, I
don't feel desired, I don't feel that he knows how—there's something about our
sexual relationship that feels incestuous to me in that he wants to be cradled like a
little boy…. That's not sexy. And, and he has repertoire—and I don't mean just in
terms of tricks in bed—I mean his repertoire is very, very limited. And, and he,
he's looking for a mommy.
Her productive relationship behaviors. Participant 13 tried to engage in
productive relationship behavior, as she described with her first marriage. “But
objectively I knew that I was at my best in that relationship.” With her third husband, she
tried discussing relationship issues.
But I still knew enough that I knew that we needed to work things out
emotionally, that we needed to find a different way of being with each other that
was much—you know, emotionally supportive. And then it became a kind of
thing where he felt like he was being harassed by me wanting to talk about the
relationship. …And so I would play this delicate dance with trying to get enough
talk about the relationship but also trying to back off. But it seemed that every
time we got into that, it would be a huge sore spot for him no matter how
carefully I went there.
She described self-soothing.
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And when I would get into those crying places, it's like oh, I think I scared him to
death. 'Cause he would just sort of back off. I could—almost like take two giant
steps back. And then eventually I would just have to self-soothe myself. And
nothing ever got resolved.
Her relationship behaviors. With her first husband, Participant 13 described:
I did. And actually one time in a letter, I passed across the bed to him—because
we were still in the same bed but we really weren't, he wasn't talking to me—I
actually proposed an open relationship, which is definitely not something that I
think I could have lived with. But I would have done anything to keep him.” And
I remember him looking at me saying—and he said ‘boy, you're really stretching’.
And it was a bit of an acknowledgment of how much I would stretch to keep that
relationship.
Regarding her second marriage, she stated: “I would call the [name of Participant
13]-needs-a-father-for-her-children-relationship”. With the same husband, “And how far
can I push him, push him, push him until he finds his backbone. And he never did.”
Finally, in her third marriage, she portrayed:
Like one unresolved experience after another unresolved experience under
another, after another. And I remember having so many times when I would try
one approach or another approach. But I remember doing a lot of crying. A lot of
crying....
His relationship behaviors/upsetting aspects of the relationship. Participant 13
describes the following about her third husband.
We would have upsets and I would want him to be able to understand how I felt
and he would not be able to go there. It was like I had broken out into another
language. And then I would get more upset and then he would get more upset.
And then he would do things like throw a—I can't tell you how many cellphones
he went through because he would throw them across the room and then he'd have
to buy a new one.
When she asked for support, he would say: “Like I would get upset and ask him, you
know, to be there, supportive or empathic with me, and he would just say ‘oh gosh, we're
in a crazy land’, you know.” He described her husband’s reactions when she tried to
discuss issues:
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He felt like he was being harassed by me wanting to talk about the relationship….
it would be a huge sore spot for him no matter how carefully I went there. … and
having a guy that really gets so incredibly touchy and sensitive. And he has a
temper.
As previously indicated, Participant 13 was “disappointed” about their sex life, and his
“limited” “repertoire”.
Positives from the relationships. Participant 13 describes the positives of her
marriages. “There has been a lot of fulfilling—there have been fulfilling moments.”
About her first marriage she stated:
…and there was a platonic love and there were many times that he had told me
how much he appreciated that kind of connection that would be experienced in
sort of a more heightened fashion when we would be driving cars, going trips, on
trips together.
Participant 13 illustrated her grief over her first marriage:
The pain is the pain of missing what I thought was a great love, a great closeness,
a great intimacy, sharing things, feeling seen and being, being seen and being—
and, and being seen. I had never had that type of intimacy before. It was stellar, it
was, it was, it captivated me entirely. I felt that being home feeling with him. And
I miss that like crazy.
Relationship termination behavior. While the above depicts Participant 13
grief over her first marriage, about termination of her second marriage she stated: “I left.
I presented him with divorce papers and I asked him to sign them. [Pause]. And that leads
me to my third relationship.” She went on to say: “It was a clean break—well, okay. I
overlapped with [name of second husband], and that's what I mean by pushing. …I had a
relationship with, with a man that I had met in my doctoral work.” Participant 13
described deciding to leave her third husband:
So anyway, that—flash forward to two years ago. I'm driving to [name of city in
Ontario] and I'm thinking you know, I gotta leave this relationship and I start to
get the wheels in motion for this. What happens? Very, very, like two weeks later,
he [has a medical upset].
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Structural Description for Participant 13
The structures for Participant 13 are relation with self, relation with other,
causality, and time. This section will discuss how her thoughts and feelings are aroused in
romantic relationships.
Relation to self. Participant 13 said, “What sort of stymies me is why [I] would
get attached to somebody who had such a big, looming issue that would almost set
[my]self up for perpetual insecurity.” She is also aware that, “I have force-fit myself into
relationships because of the desperation around not being in a relationship or being
alone.” She explained:
Yeah. But I, I was young, naïve, in love and hopeful and also, in a sense even
though I wasn't from the same religious background as he did, I absorbed a lot of
that for the sake of the unity of the relationship. So at that point, I was putting my
faith in God on top of everything and, and let that sort of override some of the
doubts.
She stated: “And I did have a till death do us part understanding about relationships.”
She depicted:
And, uh, I went into that relationship—I remember walking down the aisle,
getting married, feeling very kind of shaky and nervous. There was something in
my body I think. And my body—I might come back to this at some other point—
my body is actually a very reliable instrument. Unfortunately I have ignored it a
lot. I—it speaks to me and then I shut it down and I ignore it. And even on the
wedding day, walking down the aisle, I had that sensation.
She described: “Yeah. And it's very, very—it's a very lonely place for me. And that's
where this hole, you know, about, about can I get love—….”
Relation to other. “I actually was starting to sell myself the bill of goods that I
should be a free agent—that, that, that what being in a relationship means is a person
who’s completely self-contained with basically no really big needs.” Participant 13
described:
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I'm looking for deep intimacy. I'm looking—I will be bold enough to say I am still
looking for deep sharing, open-hearted, intimacy, eroticism. Gosh, what a dream.
Um, tenderness. A safe place to land. A person that I can give that to but not
without him also giving that to me.
She explained the chances of her current marriage working out:
I think they're pretty slim. I do feel—my default position, I go into guilt around
have I not just given up. I have, I have given up. I don't even have the will. I
almost wonder, although it would knock my socks off, so it's hard for me to
imagine that he would say [name of Participant 13], let's go to therapy and I'm
going to pay for it. Or I—gimme—where's that book, [name of couple’s therapy
book] I wanna read it now. It would bowl me over if he would do that, so I can't
really honestly imagine what my reaction is. But there's a part of me that said,
that says even if he did, that ship has sailed.
Participant 13 said:
And I also need to—to let him know that in a sense, I have those projections on
him and it wasn't fair to him either….The projections that he could—if I loved—
see, this is the thing. If I love them enough, they'll be able to give me what I need,
right? That— ….It is a fantasy. But that's a fantasy that I have engaged in and
really, it's not fair to them—….
Causality. The structure of causality potentially illustrates what Participant 13
was thinking and feeling when she met her gay boyfriend in university.
And I also had some things that precipitated me falling into his arms more
permanently….And that was, uh, some disruption in my family life at that time
that left me more shocked and bewildered. So at that point, I felt I had lost a
compass, any compass that I would have had.
One of Participant 13’s values and the impact of having sex before marriage was
represented as:
I felt I had already bonded with him. And when we had sex, that was it. 'Cause I
was brought up in a type of background that really—I was brought up to basically
wait until marriage to have sex. We had had sex before we got married and then
when I had sex, I felt we were, we were married. And he felt the same way.
Time. The structure of time was evident as Participant 13 stated that she had
three relationships of thirteen years each. About her third marriage, she said:
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Or scared to leave. So I'm thinking what's gonna win out. Is it just—there's a part
of me that just feels so, so hopeless. Like look at this story, right? This is a story
of me going from one unhappy relationship to another and really selling out, you
know. I feel finally that the bright side is finally after all this [training], after all
this therapy, I don't think I can settle out again. But I don't know if there's
anybody out there at this—.
She depicted:
I wanna have a great love. I really want this. That is my dying breath’s wish—
….To have a great love. I don't think it's gonna happen with him because I know
he loves me but he can't—he can't be there for me in these important ways. I've
sort of given up.
Textural-Structural Description for Participant 13
Participant 13’s relation to herself is that she does not want to be alone, and this
possibly impacted her to choose incompatible partners. She would be very aware of her
inner knowing about each partner, but denied this and married each of them, anyway.
She allowed her needs to be overridden by each of her three husbands. She also had a
belief that once she had sex, she would stay married to the man. She was so in love with
her gay husband that she would not have left him despite her needs not being met, and his
ultimate mistreatment of her. Her belief of not being alone was also exacerbated by
needing a husband to support the family and be in a father role, as in the case of her
second husband. She is ultimately at a quandary about her own needs as a somewhat
more mature woman who has had three marriages. She now wonders if she can survive in
a marriage where her needs are not met, and she feels obligated to stay in a marriage due
to his medical issues. On a grander scale, she does not know if anyone can meet her
relationship needs. She has finally given up the fantasy that grossly incapable partners
can meet her needs.
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Her relationship to others was that of choosing unsuitable partners and placing
their needs higher than her own, as these men were all intent on marrying her, and she
had grave reservations about each relationship before she even married them, but gave in
to all of them. She readily acknowledges the positive feelings from these relationships. In
particular, with her first husband (who was gay), she had fulfilling moments, great
companionship, love, and emotional intimacy. With her second husband, she was not
attracted to him but needed a father for her children. With her third husband, she felt
admired and respected at the outset as he understood her intellectual capacity and
achievements. Neither her second or third husband met her emotional needs, and none
met her sexual needs. She tried to be a good partner to each of them, tried to
communicate effectively, but was ultimately disrespectful to her second husband, and
disrespected by her first and third husbands. She stayed in each relationship and endured
upsetting feelings about and/or treatment from the partners.
In her view, the causality of her early life of being both overprotected and
neglected simultaneously resulted in her anxious attachment style. Further, being upset
with her family when she was a young adult caused her to seek a safe haven in her gay
husband. Her religious and moral beliefs that sex meant marriage and that you stay in
relationships forever also caused her to be with the gay husband. She required the role of
a father and provider for her children which her second husband filled, despite her not
even liking him, caused her to chose those husbands, despite very defining reasons why
they were not a good match. Sex also caused her to deeply bond with the man. Further,
she feels desperate to not be alone, so she ended up in unhappy relationships where her
needs did not get met. The price she paid for not being alone was very high. She did not
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trust her inner knowing about each of the relationships that they were not right for her.
Finally, she feels obligated to her third husband due to his medical condition.
She is now acutely aware of the amount of time that she spent in each of these
relationships, and that she is at a choice point for the remaining part of her life. While
each relationship began with the hope of happiness and fulfillment, this did not last. She
now yearns for a true love, but is deeply uncertain if she can leave her current
relationship, and if she would truly find a partner who could meet this requirement. As
she gets closer to the sense of potentially exiting the relationship with her third husband,
her beliefs as a mature woman have clearly shifted. Her inner knowing through her body
speak tells her that she does not want him to come home from his recovery facility, and
that she does not want to be with him. She has now allowed herself to accept that it is
acceptable to have needs in a relationship. She wants a great love that includes intimacy,
a great sex life, and a secure relationship. She is intent that next time, if she allows there
to be a next time, she will choose a compatible partner. She has a pattern of finding a new
partner shortly after the other, or during the dissatisfaction stage.
Conglomerate Statement
This statement, which includes an overall composite essence of the experience of
all of the participants, appears in Chapter 5 as it extends beyond data analysis and into
data interpretation.
Summary
In summary, the data analysis of ten participants was reported in this chapter. The
lived experiences in romantic relationships of the women interviewed revealed five main
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structures of Relation to self, Relation to other, Causality, Bodily Concerns, and Time.
Within the relation to other structure, the following clusters (themes) emerged: partner
selection, romantic relationship beliefs, behaviors, and feelings, relationship termination,
and current insights.
The structure of relation to self revealed a sense of unlovability, defectiveness,
low self-esteem, and an embarrassment to be single. Within Relation to other, the cluster
(theme) partner selection revealed a tendency to respond to the interest of a noncommittal guy and to enter into a relationship due to loneliness, not wanting to be single,
but overall, ignoring noted reasons why the relationship was not actually viable.
The cluster (theme) of romantic relationship beliefs indicate that while a
relationship is desired, how relationships and partners were viewed to be of benefit to her
and to fill an immediate need and that they would somehow change combined with a
view that relationships are a struggle and the fear that a partner would leave them are at
play.
The cluster (theme) of romantic relationship behaviors indicate the ability to
deeply commit and attempts to relate effectively while at the same time focusing too
much on the partner and reinforcing and acting out about his negative behaviors, while
sometimes sabotaging the relationship.
The cluster (theme) of romantic relationship feelings reveals a positive and
hopeful sense about the relationship and enjoyment of activities early on in the
relationship. However, a shift in pursuit by the partner to his retreat results in yearning,
anxiety, anger, sadness, rejection, sexual frustration, not being good enough, and grief for
what the relationship used to be.
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The cluster (theme) of relationship termination would occur only as a last resort,
after a series of missed cues. Sometimes the desire to not exit the relationship overrode
the desire for the actual partner or relationship. Anxiety and grief upon termination as
well as hope for reconciliation and ongoing grief and yearning were the experiences of
these women.
The cluster (theme) of current insights of these women indicated their awareness
that their partners were not committal or very kind and this caused these women to feel
badly about themselves. Further, they realized that many or all of the relationships they
were in were not viable and should have terminated sooner. Staying in the relationships
resulted in ongoing anxiety. The women realized that they repeated behaviors in each
relationship. Finally, they are very aware of the impact on their romantic relationships in
relation to how their parents treated each other and them.
The structure of causality relates to parents not being good role models of
romantic relating, and parents treating the participants poorly, impacting their view of
self and ultimately partner selection.
The structure of bodily concerns relates to using sex as a means for physical or
emotional intimacy and feeling sexually frustrated due to partners who were poorly
skilled or engaged in sex less frequently than these women desired.
Finally, the structure of time revealed an awareness of the length of time in
relationships and between relationships.
In Chapter 5, the results of this study are discussed and interpreted.
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CHAPTER 5. RESULTS, CONCLUSIONS, AND RECOMMENDATIONS
Introduction
While the findings of the data analysis for this study were presented in Chapter 4,
Chapter 5 will provide a summary and discussion of the results and conclusions. A
conglomerate statement from this study is included. Limitations of the study as well as
recommendations for further research are stated.
The Research Problem
The research question that was addressed by this study was “What is the lived
experience of anxiously attached, adult, heterosexual women while in relationships?”
This study was conducted via the Moustakas’ transcendental phenomenological
reduction methodology, by means of the modified van Kaam research design
methodology (Moustakas, 1994).
Summary of the Results
Recapitulation of the Study’s Findings
A literature review on anxiously attached women was presented in Chapter 2. A
summary of the findings was presented at the end of Chapter 4. The following table
illustrates the actual study findings, and how the literature review compares to these.
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Table 3. Literature Review Compared to Actual Study Findings (continued)
Actual Findings
Literature Review
Relation to self
• defectiveness and unlovability
n/a
• low self-esteem and self-regard
• participants would exhibit low self-esteem
(Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991; Mikulincer &
Shaver, 2007)
• embarrassment to be single
n/a
Relation to other
Partner selection
• partner selection: non-committal or emotionally • the majority of relationships would be with
avoidantly attached men, predominantly dismissive
or physically withdrawing partners
avoidantly attached men (Klohnen & Luo, 2003; van
IJzendoorn & Bakersmans-Kranenburg, 1996)
• relationship due to pursuit by interested guy,
loneliness, or embarrassment of being single
n/a
• ignored incompatibilities and key moments (that • became bonded to their current or past partners
excessively early on, before the relationship began or
the relationship was not viable)
very early into the relationship, with less thought
about the appropriate fit of the partner, versus the
desire to be in a relationship (Eastwick & Finkel,
2008)
Romantic relationship beliefs
• wants a good long term relationship
• a desire to obtain a relationship if they were not in
one (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Cassidy & Berlin,
1994; Main, 1996)
• general over focus on romantic relationships
(Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Cassidy & Berlin, 1994;
Main, 1996)
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Table 3. Literature Review Compared to Actual Study Findings (continued)
Actual Findings
Literature Review
• relationships are a struggle
• reported dissatisfaction with past or current
relationships (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Dinero et al.,
2008)
• fantasy that their partner would change and
become the partner she wants
n/a
• idealized view of what a relationship could be
n/a
• viewed partner re: how he could benefit her
n/a
• better to be in a relationship versus the right one • a desire to obtain a relationship if they were not in
one (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Cassidy & Berlin,
1994; Main, 1996)
• the drive to be wanted and loved by their partner
may override relationship satisfaction (Brassard et al.,
2009; Davila & Bradbury, 2001)
• have a fear their partner will leave them
• perceived threats to the relationship that were not
necessarily there, such as an argument that they feared
would lead to a break up when in fact it was just an
argument (Campbell et al., 2005)
• were more accommodating of their partners due to
their dependency on the relationship, their fear of
abandonment, and their concern over if they would
find another partner (Kirkpatrick & Davis, 1994)
Romantic relationship behaviors
• very committed/deeply attached
• became bonded to their current or past partners
excessively early on before the relationship began or
very early into the relationship, with less thought
about the appropriate fit of the partner, versus the
desire to be in a relationship (Eastwick & Finkel,
2008)
• tried to relate effectively
n/a
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Table 3. Literature Review Compared to Actual Study Findings (continued)
Actual Findings
Literature Review
• major focus on their partner and wanted to be
around them too much
• a somewhat excessive focus on their relationship, if
they were in one (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991;
Cassidy & Berlin, 1994; Main, 1996)
• the expectations of the amount of time spent together
with a past or current partner may have seemed
reasonable to the participant (Main, 1996, 2000;
Mikulincer et al., 2003), but would have likely
sounded excessive to what is reasonable to securely
attached individuals, and most certainly would have
seemed excessive to the avoidantly attached partner
who sought autonomy and avoided intimacy
(Connors, 1997; Land et al., 2010)
• general over focus on romantic relationships
(Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Cassidy & Berlin, 1994;
Main, 1996)
• may or may not have been aware of their skewed
views of the excessive amount of time that should
have been spent together (Mikulincer et al., 2003)
• those partners might have felt controlled or
smothered and perceived the participants as clingy and
needy (Connors, 1997; Mikulincer et al., 2003) when
the participants reported seeking proximity with him
• when anxiously attached adults perceive that their
partner is unavailable, this can result in seeking
proximity, searching for cues of availability, or
pleading or being angry at them for not being
available (Mikulincer et al., 2003)
• reinforced their partners negative behaviors
• excessive accommodation of their partners due to
being dependent upon them (Kirkpatrick & Davis,
1994)
• pursued him when he stopped pursuing her
• the anxiously attached partner pursues the avoidantly
attached other in attempts to feel loved and connected,
and the avoidantly attached partner pursues goals to
feel independent and to avoid intimacy with their
partner (Connors, 1997; Fraley et al., 2006)
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Table 3. Literature Review Compared to Actual Study Findings (continued)
Actual Findings
Literature Review
• continued to meet his needs despite him not
meeting hers
• felt like their partners did not engage in caregiving
with them to the extent that they wanted (Collins &
Feeney, 2000; Ein-Dor et al., 2011; Shallcross et al.,
2011)
• feeling down when a partner did not attend to or that
their partner refuted their emotional and relationship
needs (Connors, 1997; Cutrona et al., 2007; Land et
al., 2010; Rholes et al., 2011)
• dismissive avoidantly attached partner contributed
less to them in the relationship than they contributed
(Grau & Doll, 2003), and that they felt exploited
• reported not having expressed their needs clearly,
and that their needs did not get met (Davila & Kashy,
2009)
• excessive accommodation of their partners due to
being dependent upon them (Kirkpatrick & Davis,
1994)
• they might not have noticed or acknowledged it
when their partners actually did meet their needs
(Shallcross et al., 2011)
• used negative emotions and attention-seeking
behavior
• feeling like they did not get enough attention
(Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Cassidy & Berlin, 1994;
Main, 1996)
• described having had both hyperactivated behaviors
when they felt the relationship was being threatened
(Mikulincer et al., 2003)
• hypervigilance in communications (Saavedra et al.,
2010)
• expressed their needs in a demanding and controlling
manner (Mikulincer et al., 2009)
• poor management of anger and disappointment
(Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007; Saavedra et al., 2010)
279
Table 3. Literature Review Compared to Actual Study Findings (continued)
Actual Findings
Literature Review
• actions of their partner that would have
hyperactivated them when they felt that the
relationship was being threatened (Mikulincer et al.,
2003)
• anxious attachment would be particularly apparent
when there was actual or perceived conflict in the
romantic relationship, which would illustrate their
hyperactivation in response to actual or perceived
threats to the felt security of their romantic
relationship (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Brassard et al.,
2009; Mikulincer et al., 2003; Mikulincer & Shaver,
2007)
• sabotaged the relationships
n/a
Romantic relationship feelings
• very positive feelings at the beginning of their
relationships
• would have a positive regard for others
(Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991; Mikulincer &
Shaver, 2007)
o
felt secure and hopeful
n/a
o
enjoyment from activities
n/a
• the shift from being pursued by their partner to
his push-pull behavior or retreat
• their dismissive avoidantly attached male partners
became deactivated through such behaviors as
sulking, stonewalling, being less communicative, and
being less emotionally and physically intimate(Collins
& Feeney, 2000; Connors, 1997; Land et al., 2010)
• their avoidantly attached partners pursued them and
then withdrew in a repetitive cycle (Alexandrov et al.,
2005; Connors, 1997; Fletcher & Kerr, 2010; Klohnen
& Luo, 2003), which elicted hypervigalence of the
participants (Saavedra et al., 2010)
o
yearning for the early
connection and intimacy
• dissatisfaction in the form of frustrations around past
or current romantic partners not reciprocating
romantic feelings (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Cassidy &
Kobak, 1988)
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Table 3. Literature Review Compared to Actual Study Findings (continued)
Actual Findings
Literature Review
o
anxiety
• feeling abandoned (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991;
Cassidy & Berlin, 1994; Main, 1996)
o
anger, sadness, disappointment
• significant relational conflicts (Brassard et al., 2009)
• reported feeling misunderstood by their dismissive
avoidantly attached partners (Land et al., 2010)
• partner choice of dismissive avoidantly attached men
would be the cause of ensuing frequent
hyperactivation (Shallcross et al., 2011), reduced
relationship satisfaction, possibly depressive and
anxious episodes (Mikulincer et al., 2003), and
generally less relationship satisfaction (Dinero et al.,
2008)
o
rejection, neglected, lonely,
betrayed
• difficulties in relationships with hyperactivation of
the anxiously attached woman through feeling less
loved in the relationship than desired (Mikulincer et
al., 2003; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007)
• feeling less loved and cared for (Mikulincer et al.,
2003; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007)
• hyperactivation through experienced threats (real or
perceived) to the stability of the relationship
(Mikulincer et al., 2003; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007)
• feeling like their partner would not be there for them
in times of need (Cutrona et al., 2007)
o
sexually frustrated
• described being less satisfied with their sexual
relationships if their partner was a dismissive
avoidantly attached male (Birnbaum et al., 2006)
o
not worthy or good enough
• participants would exhibit low self-esteem
(Bartholomew& Horowitz, 1991; Mikulincer &
Shaver, 2007)
o
grief for their relationship
• the grieving process for the participants would have
been reported as lengthy, with preoccupation about
the past relationship (Sbarra& Ferrer, 2006;
Tomlinson et al., 2010)
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Table 3. Literature Review Compared to Actual Study Findings (continued)
Actual Findings
Literature Review
Relationship termination
• reluctant to terminate
• became bonded to their current or past partners
excessively early on before the relationship began, or
very early into the relationship, with less thought
about the appropriate fit of the partner, versus the
desire to be in a relationship (Eastwick & Finkel,
2008)
• can sometimes remain in relationships too long due
to their perceived past and future investments,
especially intangible investments, in the relationship
(Goodfriend & Agnew, 2008)
• missed or ignored cues
n/a
• anxiety and grief at outset of termination
• described relationship terminations as extremely
painful because of triggered abandonment anxiety
(Fraley et al., 2006; Hazan & Shaver, 1987)
• reported feeling distressed about the breakup (Davis
et al., 2003), the loss is pronounced both in terms of
the intensity of feelings upon termination, as well as
the process of grief (Hazan & Shaver, 1987; Sbarra &
Ferrer, 2006)
• kept hoping they would get back together
• reports of efforts to regain their partner’s affection
and the relationship was anticipated, due to proximity
seeking from this hyperactivation at the actual or
perceived threat to loss of the relationship (Main,
1996, 2000; Mikulincer et al., 2003)
• some behavior that they felt embarrassed about, such
as pleading or succumbing to dissatisfying
relationship negotiations of their partners that were
not their preferences (Davis et al., 2003)
• ongoing grief and yearning
• the grieving process for the participants would have
been reported as lengthy, with preoccupation about
the past relationship (Sbarra & Ferrer, 2006;
Tomlinson et al., 2010)
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Table 3. Literature Review Compared to Actual Study Findings (continued)
Actual Findings
Literature Review
Current insights
• got very anxious in relationships
• hyperactivation through experienced threats (real or
perceived) to the stability of the relationship
(Mikulincer et al., 2003; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007)
• partners were often not very kind
• described most past partners in a negative manner,
particularly if they were dismissive avoidantly
attached partners, as they likelyfelt exploited or
mistreated in these relationships, or that these partners
insisted on having many aspects of the relationship
their way (Connors, 1997; Land et al., 2010)
• felt badly about themselves when their partners
would not commit/unavailable/treated them
unkindly
• participants would exhibit low self-esteem
(Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991; Mikulincer &
Shaver, 2007)
• relationships were not viable, and should have
terminated sooner
• reported that they tried excessively hard to make the
relationship work (Cassidy & Berlin, 1994)
• repeated behaviors in each relationship that
were not productive
• hyperactivation through experienced threats (real or
perceived) to the stability of the relationship
(Mikulincer et al., 2003; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007)
• poor management of anger and disappointment
(Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007; Saavedra et al., 2010)
Causality
• parents were not good relationship role models
n/a
• parents’ treatment of her impacted her self- and
world-views relationship beliefs and behaviors
• experienced a conscious or unconscious disruption
or series of disruptions in secure caregiving from one
or both parents, which has resulted in their anxious
attachment style (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991;
Bowlby, 1969, 1973, 1980; Main, 1996)
• describe aspects of the relationship, the parent’s
personality or behavior, or the parent’s approach to
parenting, with somewhat negative descriptions, some
of which may not be coherent (Main, 1996, 2000)
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Table 3. Literature Review Compared to Actual Study Findings (continued)
Actual Findings
Literature Review
• recollections of interactions with parents that were
not positive for the participants (Bretherton, 1992;
Main, 1996, 2000)
Bodily concerns
• used sex for a purpose: physical or emotional
intimacy, or to try to begin a relationship
• described the motive for some sexual interactions
with past or current partners to commence a
relationship or to get their partner’s attention
(Birnbaum et al., 2006)
• sexual frustration due to low frequency or poor
quality of sex
• avoidant partners: less frequent sexual relations,
more avoidance of sex, less intimate positions, and
less emotional connection during sexual acts, and less
desire to meet their partner’s physical needs
(Birnbaum et al., 2006)
• the desire for proximity seeking overrode sexual
motivations to commence a relationship (Eastwick &
Finkel, 2008)
Time
• awareness of time in and between relationships
n/a
Discussion of the Conclusions
Findings Commensurate With the Literature Review
Disruptive parental relating to the participant. Participants described
disruptions in their relationships with one or both parents (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991;
Bowlby, 1969; Main, 1996).
Relation to self was not positive. The participants’ reported their view of self as
not being positive (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991).
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Anxious attachment displayed versus earned secure attachment. The
participants reported actively displaying anxiously attached beliefs, feelings, and
behaviors, and chose partners who are not securely attached. However, various
participants did report attempts at their own self soothing when they were hyperactivated
by their partner (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
Partner selection: dismissive avoidantly attached partners. The description of
almost all of the partners chosen by the participants seemed to be insecurely attached, and
of the dismissive avoidantly attached style. These participant descriptions of their current
or previous various partners included the way the partners treated them or behaved in the
relationships, based on characteristics indicated in the literature review. This illustrates
the concept of assortative mating of insecurely attached individuals pairing with each
other (van IJzendoorn & Bakersmans-Kranenburg, 1996). For example, Participant 2
described a short-term relationship as follows:
So it was pretty rough and once again, completely emotionally shut-down guy.
Talked a good game about wanting to be emotionally in touch, but when the shit
hit the fan, very, very shut-down, became quite cool, because he didn’t… because
I’m so emotional. So it was like, [deep breath] that’s too much for me.
And [he] just pulled back, so it was… so I ended it, because I… there was
a lot of tension; we were not able to have an adult conversation about it. He was
not… he just didn’t have the tools to have sophisticated conversation. I saw this in
him within the first two weeks of our dating life, but he expressed a desire to be
able to do all these things and he also expressed… .And so I just said, like, let’s
just be friends until we can sort ourselves out, because we weren’t able to even
speak to each other respectfully anymore.
Relationship beliefs perpetuated dissatisfaction. Participants reported having a
strong focus on being in a relationship. They stated that they got into and stayed in
relationships that were ultimately not fulfilling or viable. This was indicated by their
descriptions of the ensuing relationships and the interactions between them and their
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partners, and how their partners treated them. They indicated that their fear of
abandonment was often triggered by their partner retreating (Collins & Feeney, 2000;
Connors, 1997; Land et al., 2010), or through relationship upset (Mikulincer & Shaver,
2003, 2007).
Lack of emotional support from partners. The participants reported that they
experienced their partners reacting to them in a negative manner when they had
relationship upset (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2005). Overall, participants reported not
getting their needs met while meeting the needs of their partner (Davila & Kashy, 2009),
but inadvertently reinforced this by continuing to meet their partner’s needs (Kirkpatrick
& Davis, 1994). Further, there was a clear lack of reporting of partners soothing them to
reduce hyperactivation (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
Proximity seeking the partner and major relationship focus. Participants
reported having a major focus on their partner and wanted to spend time with them
(Hazan & Shaver, 1987).
Hyperactivation due to interactions with the partner. The participants
described states of anxiety accompanied by heightened felt emotions such as anxiety,
anger, and sadness when there was withdrawal by or relationship upset with their partner
(Main, 1996; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2005).
Unhappiness in relationship. The participants described many upset feelings
(Dinero et al., 2008) associated with the emotional or physical withdrawal of their
dismissive avoidantly attached partner, such as yearning, anger, sadness, betrayal, and
sexual frustration.
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Reluctant relationship termination and extensive grief. Participants reported
being very reluctant to terminate relationships, did so as a last resort, tried to make their
relationships work before and after they ended, and felt much anxiety and grief over
pending and actual termination. The grief was extensive (Sbarra & Ferrer, 2006).
Participant’s insights: impact by parents; unviable romantic relationships.
The participants reported their perception that their parents treated them poorly, as did
their past partners. They knew that they got very anxious in relationships, that they
should have terminated the relationships sooner (Cassidy & Berlin, 1994), and that these
relationships had a negative impact on their view of self.
Sexuality as a means to connection. The participants reported using sexuality as
a means for physical or emotional connection or to begin a relationship (Birnbaum et al.,
2006).
Discussion of Findings That Were Not in the Literature Review
The following illustrates and discusses the findings in the structures and clusters
(themes) that were not supported by the literature review, as found by the researcher at
the time of writing.
Relation to self. These findings were not supported by the literature:
defectiveness and unlovability, and embarrassment to be single. While low self-esteem
was commensurate with the literature review (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991), a deeper
feeling of being defective and unlovable was uncovered through how the participants
described how they felt about themselves. This would be in line with the literature
review of the parents treating the child inconsistently, not be sensitive or attuned, or
being intrusive, or abusive, which the child is likely to internalize the self as not being
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good enough, something being wrong with them, or not lovable enough. Very succinctly,
Participant 3 stated, “Um, I feel like there is something wrong with me.”
For participants, an internalized view of self might be: if my parents cannot even
love me or treat me well, then why would I value myself or see myself as lovable, and
why would I expect others in the world to, either? Participant 8 said, “I kind of felt like I
didn't deserve someone like him because he was a really good person.” (crying)
While the anxiously attached child’s compensatory behavior with the parent is to
proximity seek (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991), and this transcends into adult relationships
through seeking proximity with the partner (Main, 1996), the desire to feel good enough
and loved enough is potentially and likely sought from the partner. Even having a partner
would potentially be evidence to these anxiously attached women that they are lovable
enough and good enough. As described in Chapter 4, Participant 2’s words were
“pariah…so ashamed… embarrassed … loser, because I was single and because I was in
my mid to late thirties at the time. … [my classmates] were all my age and they were all
hooked up”, and Participant 9 said, “you do get a little bit older and people are always
saying do you have a boyfriend…[when I ] can say yes..[it’s] a comfort, I suppose,
because you can tell people the truth and not lie about it.”
However, participants made partner selections from the perspective of being not
good enough and not lovable. It could be very embarrassing to be single, because then
this would be evidence to themselves and the world that they are flawed, defective, or not
worthy, not lovable enough to even find “someone” to love them and want to be with
them.
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Relation to other. These findings were not supported by the literature: partner
selection: relationship due to pursuit by interested guy, loneliness, or embarrassment of
being single; and romantic relationship beliefs: fantasy that their partner would change
and become the partner she wants, idealized view of what a relationship could be, and
viewed partner re: how he could benefit her. The participants described a fantasy of an
ideal love and relationship. Participant 2 said, “So he was the intellectual that I wanted
and he seemed… I put him on a pedestal; he seemed to be sort of far ahead of me and I
saw him as almost like a parent figure.”
Sometimes they experienced ways that filled the gaps to meet the unmet needs in
their lives, such as Participant 10 being around her first boyfriend’s educated and
successful family.
Yeah, so it was a very accomplished family. I think maybe that's -- at that time, I
guess probably even so now, I'm pretty drawn to that….I would say, yes, I'm very
drawn to that. That would be, like, a running theme through my relationships.
Participants described how their drive to be loved and in a relationship, and/or
their embarrassment at being single, resulted in them responding to men who were
interested, as is illustrated by Participant 12.
And I started dating him, and he drove me crazy. I wasn’t attracted to him, I
didn’t even – like on first impressions couldn’t stand him. I didn’t even warm up
to him, I just started dating him….He’d written this poem….And that meant he
really – he really liked me.
Further, as mentioned, assortative mating occurs and insecurely attached partners
tend to choose insecurely attached partners (van IJzendoorn & Bakersmans-Kranenburg,
1996). Participants reported that they were typically not attracted to securely attached
men, or, alternatively, those men may have been out of their reach. The participants
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hoped that their partners would change for them and meet their needs, as was described
by Participant 6.
Oh yeah…that he would switch and change and he’d be oh, like, I’m sorry, I
realize I’ve been wrong and I understand how my behaviour has hurt you and I
realize that you do have feelings and you need to be respected and loved… and
like have tender… and be… treated with compassion and tenderness and love
and… yeah, in other words, a switch….Oh, I think [I hoped for that] until the very
end....
It is possible that they learned to hope for this early on when they hoped their
parents would become the sensitive, attuned, kind, and consistent people that they always
wanted them to be. They also may not have the framework of what healthy love feels
like, and did not have the role models to show them what healthy love is. Therefore,
partner selection may be in response to the partner or to their own needs but without the
discernment of a healthy partner choice.
Romantic relationship behaviors. These findings were not supported by the
literature: tried to relate effectively; sabotaged the relationships. The literature is fraught
with descriptors of the hypervigilance of the anxiously attached individual during
relationship conflict (Main, 1996; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2005), and this is part of what
participants described. For example, Participant 10 said, “And so I'd just become, like -I would just get really upset about it. And because I grew up in a home where you do
yell, I would be yelling and then [he], he would just be silent…” Further, Participant 11
said, “And there are times when I [physically] pushed him….Because I was like, ‘How
can you leave me? How can you keep abandoning me?’”
However, the findings of this study reveal that the participants very often tried to
express their needs in non-demanding and very sensitive ways, to provide feedback in a
careful manner, or to discuss relationship issues in a calm manner, as is illustrated by
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Participant 11, “I’ll just be like, ‘I really need to hear this. It would mean so much to me
and make me so happy.’” Further, Participant 13 said:
And so I would play this delicate dance with trying to get enough talk about the
relationship but also trying to back off. But it seemed that every time we got into
that, it would be a huge sore spot for him no matter how carefully I went there.
As Shallcross (2011) aptly described the interactions of the anxiously attached
woman and dismissive avoidantly attached man as “the perfect storm”, the reactivity of
the dismissive avoidantly attached partners to the anxiously attached participants, as well
as those avoidant partners quickly reverting to a stance of “I’m just not good enough for
you” resulted in the efforts to communicate effectively of the participants as elevated
conflict by both partners, or stonewalling by the dismissive avoidantly attached partner,
which resulted in further hyperactivation of the participants. This is described by
Participant 11:
So when we get upset I cry and I just keeping saying, ‘You’re abandoning me.
You’re abandoning me.’ And he’s like, ‘I can’t deal with you. I have to leave,’
and then he leaves. And I’m feeling left even worse….The pain that I feel is like
nothing I have ever felt before. Even though in my other relationships I was, like,
sad and … but this was like this pain, like, I feel it physically. And I’m …
sometimes I’m on – the floor, just like … [pause] I … I feel very, like, [pause]
just sad and, ‘How can someone do this to me?’ and I get in this zone and I can’t
even tell what … what’s going on in that moment, like, logistically and in reality.
I feel like I’m completely taken over by this feeling. And then sometimes I get
physically angry, where I … but now I know, I’m like … just punch pillows or
[pause] do something that’s safe, that’s not unsafe. And then I start to feel really
guilty after ‘cause I … I start to think I’m the worst person in the world, I’m so
horrible, because I’m capable of this, I’m capable of so much anger and so much
pain….Yeah. Because I never had that. I never know … I never knew I had that
in me….
And with him I’m just like, ‘What’s happening to me? Why are you
bringing out this person?’ ….And there are times when I pushed him….Because I
was like, ‘How can you leave me? How can you keep abandoning me?’ and I’d
keep pushing. He’s obviously a lot bigger than me and ….So he … you know. I
mean, I … but I still fear, like, there’s a sense of fear in him when I do that, but …
and I feel absolutely horrible.
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He’ll usually send me a text soon after, but it’s something angry, like, you
know, ‘I can’t believe I’m not home again tonight,’ or whatever and … and then
what happens is … then I had about half an hour to an hour of time by myself and
I calm down. When I’m feeling a little bit better I’ll phone him, but then he won’t
answer the phone. So I get even more upset, and I keep calling and calling, I’m
like, ‘Answer the phone,’ and … then I get that feeling again of …anxiety.
Further, many of the behaviors reported of the women in the study were similar to
that of anxiously attached women cited in the literature about acting out, poor conflict
resolution, being demanding and controlling, as examples, may be part of what sabotages
relationships without it being referred to as such in the literature. For example,
Participant 2 reported:
…the more withdrawn he became, the more I would act out and my way of acting
out was sort of being, like waifish and needing a lot of attention and petulance and
I was always sort of sulky and unhappy and manipulative around that kind of
thing, and so we just polarised each other….So he just went deeper into his shell;
I became more demanding and sulky and then eventually he had an affair.
It may also be an extension of the sense of defectiveness and unlovability
whereby if they feel that the partner will not ultimately meet their needs or will leave
them, they may act out in harmful ways to the relationship, as a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Romantic relationship feelings. These findings were not supported by the
literature: very positive feelings at the beginning of their relationships: felt secure and
hopeful, and enjoyment from activities. To onlookers, it is often baffling as to why
anxiously attached women stay in the relationships that they are in. The participants
reported attaching quickly to their partners and having grave difficulty terminating
relationships, despite not being very happy in them (Tomlinson et al., 2010). Participant
3 said, “But it was only a few months and I actually ended it, and I ended it with this
recent guy even though every part of my being did not want to. But I felt like I had
exhausted all the avenues and I felt like I was backed into a corner.” Further, Participant
292
7 said, “Well, it was still very devastating because I consider myself letting someone go
who I really cared for, but I -- I felt like I really had no choice at that point, that's how I
felt.”
When an anxiously attached woman experiences the initial pursuit by a dismissive
avoidantly attached man, it is intoxicating for them. Participant 3 described this as a
“chemical rush”. The avoidantly attached man is safe at this stage of pursuit, as he is in
control, and he is on his best romantic behavior. This stage lasts until he senses that the
anxiously attached woman is engaged in the relationship, or as various stages of
commitment are progressed to, and then he withdraws (Silverman, 2011). Participant 8
described this:
Well, and that's why I'm so devastated when people disappear because I don't
really understand why it continuously happens….I think I pressured him. I think I
-- I moved really quickly and kind of -- I swept him -- which I do with all the
men, it seems that I kind of sweep a bit and create a life plan -- for him and me
without him being involved. And -- and that's not -- and they kind of go -- go
along with it for a bit and then they don't. And so their -- I guess their exit is to
just disappear and not call. So it becomes -- but that's -- you know, then that's
when I lose my shit, basically. I start -- the anxiety is so -- because it is so -- it is
what I'm anxious about actually happens -- them disappearing. So after -- I mean,
and it wasn't even a long relationship.
Participant 7 described:
But it also underlines what I said earlier about my frustration is I would -- I would
get -- I get involved with men who love me, I know they love me, but --I feel it
and I commit to them, but they can't -- they can't commit to me. So I'm always in
this feeling of frustration in --….
At that point, as described by the participants, they believe that they will be
together forever, they seek proximity to the man he was when he pursued them, and they
know he is capable of connecting, intimacy, and kindness. The participants reported
enjoying the romantic gestures and efforts these men made to spend enjoyable time
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together, and felt the excitement from their emotional and physical relationship, and the
activities that they engaged in. The participants stayed in love with this aspect of the
man, not realizing that the emotional, physical, and sexual withdrawal would be his
predominant state. Participant 10 described her hope for her partner changing:
It was sort of like in December I had sort of said, okay, we're done, but then
there's always that kind of, like -- if -- if the person can change, whatever, maybe
he could -- you know, but –
Participant 8 reported:
I was hoping that he would love me and need me, I guess, and want -- he did need
me, but I think want to -- I don't know, I was hoping we would get married and
have children and ....
Relationship termination. This finding was not supported by the literature:
missed or ignored cues. Participants reported that they missed or ignored cues that their
partners were less or no longer interested. It is possible that they were so used to their
needs not being met, as their needs did not get consistently met in childhood (Ainsworth
& Bowlby, 1991) and to their partner withdrawing, that this became their new “normal”
in the relationship. It is also very possible that while they picked up on these cues, they
automatically went into a proximity seeking mode as this is a life-long behavior, and
focused more on that than on the potential loss of the relationship. The following report
by Participant 2 illustrates this.
Yeah, but like… we literally had a conversation where he said, you and I have
different personalities; it’s not possible. And I said, but it… we have an
opportunity here; why don’t you tell me what you need? I can tell you what I need
and let’s talk about it; everything’s possible, but he really didn’t want to, like, he
was just so dug-in.
Causality. This finding was not supported by the literature: parents were not
good relationship role models. The participants gave numerous, unsolicited recounts of
294
disrupted parental romantic relationship behaviors with each other. The participants were
all in therapy or had been in therapy, and reported being aware that these poor role
models did not facilitate their own ability to effectively relate romantically, and in fact,
cited numerous examples where they learned behaviors from how either parent treated
the other (not just their mothers). For example, Participant 2 had infidelity with her
securely attached boyfriend in university, which is what her father did to her mother in
their marriage. “Because that was my pattern; I had affairs on my partners before….It
was that thing again of not being satisfied and shopping for… the one.” She went on to
describe:
It happened in my… it happened with my parents, so my parents… like, my dad
had… there were always women and we had…[affairs].
Yeah, so even when I
didn’t know about them, I knew about them, somewhere. And my parents had a
pretty bad divorce and I just always felt like… and I didn’t… and I identified with
my mother, even though my mum is a very difficult personality… very difficult.
But I identified with her being the wronged and the abandoned woman and I used
to have fantasies as a teenager about how can I make sure my husband never
leaves me and…
Participant 12 is extremely aware of the impact on how her parents treated each
other did not help her to become a healthy partner, and how both of her parents treated
each other in an angry manner, provided exceptionally poor role modeling.
I know that it’s my parents; it’s what I’ve seen. And…my mom … she’s just
angry and hate – hateful towards my dad. And he is too, like just throw – they
throw blocks on top of blocks of – of anger and hatred. But she will not leave
him….Never.
Time. This finding was not supported by the literature: awareness of time in and
between relationships. Finally, the literature does not reflect the keen awareness of time
in and between relationships. Participant 7 described, “And, well, we became involved
295
after that -- and which was mostly seeing each other on weekends. It was an intense
relationship. It wasn't actually very long, which is really typical of me.”
However, the literature does reflect the major focus anxiously attached women
have on being in relationships (Hazan & Shaver, 1987), and their strong desire to not exit
the ones that they are in despite the quality of them. Therefore, this finding could loosely
fit into those concepts.
The conclusions of the study and summative statements will now be presented.
Conclusions of the Study and Summative Statements
The following summative statements illustrate the critical findings of this study.
Each of these will be discussed and illustrated with narrative statements. There are two
main categories that the conclusions fall into:
x
the impact of parental treatment and relationship role-modeling, and
x
a lack of insight,
both of which have consequences on the relationship dissatisfaction of the participants of
this study.
The following expands upon these categories.
Impact of Parental Treatment and Relationship Role-Modeling
x
Views herself as lacking and perceives a partner as the solution
x
Selects and interrelates to partners in a manner that perpetuates feeling or
actually being alone, anxious, and unhappy
x
Absence of an unconditional connection to her parents
x
Sought a committed connection from partners who were unable to provide
that
x
Tolerated disrespectful treatment on an ongoing basis from partners
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The participants who discussed their parents reported not having an unconditional
connection with them, as well as parental romantic relating that was not conducive to
effective relationship outcomes. The participants had a view of self as defective and
unlovable. They chose partners who were not able to give them a fully committed
relationship, whereby there were actual breakups, distancing, or mistreatment by the
partner if they were in a relationship. Further, the participants reported some of their own
relational patterns with partners’ that reflected being conflictual or upset.
Views herself as lacking and perceives a partner as the solution. Participants
viewed themselves as defective, unlovable, and embarrassed to be single. They also had
a major focus on relationships, and a belief that being in a relationship was more
important than waiting until the right partner came along, and had a view of what partners
could do for them.
Participant 3 acknowledges how she feels validated by a partner: “Yeah, it’s kind
of – it’s like I look to these men who I think I look up to and if I can get their love and
their approval then somehow that validates me.”
Participant 3 also illustrates how partners enhance her positive feeling about
herself:
And I guess I feel like somehow –I don’t know – I guess this feeling of
acceptance by somebody who I deem to be cooler or smarter or more
accomplished or somehow more of an authority on life. I’m still figuring that out,
but I feel in those moments with these guys - I feel better about myself - when
they like me.
Participant 2 describes how she viewed that a partner would enhance her worth:
Probably some desperation on my part to be with someone. In… my fantasy
life…[it would mean]….and I’m hesitating, because I know from nineteen to
thirty four, when I was in those three very long term relationships, I definitely saw
myself reflected in the relationship. That I really felt like my identity was… as
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being someone in a relationship, that I had the kind of worth and value that
someone wanted to commit to be with me. You know, that I was attractive and
loving and… [It would mean that I’m lovable.] That’s right and that’s how I felt;
I felt all those things, like I had much more confidence about my lovability in
those days.
Participant 8 describes the extent to which she immerses in relationships due to
her sense of not having anything else:
… what it does is it allows me to be constantly -- or it immerses -- allows me to
immerse myself so much in that relationship because what would -- what would
happen, if someone moves here or you move there, so either way that -- you're
attached to that person because you don't have anything else.
Selects and interrelates to partners in a manner that perpetuates feeling or
actually being alone, anxious, and unhappy. The participants chose dismissive
avoidantly attached partners and then wanted commitment. This causes dismissive
avoidantly attached partners to retreat. When this happened, it hyperactivated the
participants to anxiety and upset, such as through anger and sadness.
Participant 11 described wanting to be wanted by her partner who avoided
spending time and being as emotionally and physically intimate as she would like:
I want him to be married to me. I want him to want that feeling, that desire and
… I want to get the sense from him that I’m the woman for him and he doesn’t
want to let me go, and … and I’m so important in his life that he wouldn’t want to
lose me.
Participant 13 wanted her partner to understand her, but instead he would get very
upset:
…we would have upsets and I would want him to be able to understand how I felt
and he would not be able to go there. It was like I had broken out into another
language. And then I would get more upset and then he would get more upset.
And then he would do things like throw a—I can't tell you how many cellphones
he went through because he would throw them across the room and then he'd have
to buy a new one.
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Participant 8 would engage quickly in relationships with men whose lives were
not very productive. She would play a superior role of “life coach” with them (this was
not her profession), and then would resent that they would move on and implement that
plan.
Well, I'd help them with their life, right? What -- I'd be -- I'd coach them. I'd
coach them. I'd sit and I'd tell them about all the great things they could do and
all the things they could achieve and all their skills and qualities. And I'd pump
them up and I'd give them a life plan. And most of my boyfriends would then
break up with me and then adopt the life plan a couple of years later, but that's
exactly -- that's -- that's very much a pattern. And so, you know, it is very much
trying to make their lives better, where I've never really been with someone who
actually has a life.
Absence of an unconditional connection to her parents. While participants
were only asked about their lived experiences in romantic relationships, most of them
mentioned their parents and/or family environments. The disruptions they experienced in
parenting due to parental personality disorder, mental illness, or a lack of ability to get
along respectfully had an impact on them.
Participant 2 described: “I am the daughter of a borderline [personality disorder]
mother and so I…”
Participant 3’s last statement in her interview revealed her fear around needing to
deal with her father issues:
Even though I would say that of all the people in my family, I have the most
issues with my relationship to my dad. It’s a good relationship, but yeah. I am
working on it in therapy but I haven’t really…I’m a bit scared of does it mean that
I really need to deal with my dad?
Participant 7 had mentioned that her father had treated her as an emotional
confidante during her childhood. She reconnected with her father after an estrangement
at the encouragement of the man whom she was emotionally tied to: “And that was a real
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big issue because I had been estranged from my father for a couple of years and was
getting a lot of pressure from my family.” She also had declared: “My mother had
mental health issues, I was in foster homes.”
Participant 10 had a tumultuous relationship with her father over the years,
including to present day. “I also had a time at the time where my dad -- my dad and I
don't really get along well, period.”
Participant 13 did not elaborate on the details but described an upsetting family
situation that seemed to rock her foundation, and cause her seek stability in a boyfriend.
This is when she met her gay boyfriend who became her husband.
And I also had some things that precipitated me falling into his arms more
permanently….And that was, uh, some disruption in my family life at that time
that left me more shocked and bewildered. So at that point, I felt I had lost a
compass, any compass that I would have had.
Sought a committed connection from partners who were unable to provide
that. Participants wanted a deep, emotional, and physical connection with partners who
were avoidantly attached, and who could not provide this.
Participant 13 palpably describes the depth of her pain over the loss of the
relationship with her gay husband. She married him as a young woman, they were very
good companions, and she thought they would have a long-term relationship.
The pain is the pain of missing what I thought was a great love, a great closeness,
a great intimacy, sharing things, feeling seen and being, being seen and being—
and, and being seen. I had never had that type of intimacy before. It was stellar,
it was, it was, it captivated me entirely. I felt that being home feeling with him.
And I miss that like crazy.
Participant 7 played the pattern of frustration many times of being with men
whom she believed loved her, but who could not commit to her.
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But it also underlines what I said earlier about my frustration is I would -- I would
get -- I get involved with men who love me, I know they love me, but --I feel it
and I commit to them, but they can't -- they can't commit to me. So I'm always in
this feeling of frustration in --….
Participant 11 spent two years trying to get into the relationship with the man she
is now living with, who will not fully commit to her. At these various stages of
relationship progression, she experiences his balking.
And then for two years … and it was hard because I really wanted him to be in
my life. So for a year we didn’t do anything and then the next year we would,
like, date for three months and then not see each for two because I wanted a lot
more commitment, a lot more … I wanted this bond, this quick … you know. I
… I just wanted to be in the relationship. And, for him, everything was just kind
of going with the flow. And he was coping with own pain, because he got really
hurt. His ex-wife cheated on him. There was a lot of issues and … I don’t know.
And … and then --….Oh, yeah [he pulled back those two months]….Yeah [and
just did not see me]….Oh, it was horrible.
Participant 3 describes her pattern of trying to get unavailable men to commit to
her. Instead, my experiences are that I fall for an unavailable guy and I just keep trying
to work it into what I want to be, and…I can’t get that from them.
Tolerated disrespectful treatment on an ongoing basis from partners. The
participants reported numerous upsets and ways that they were disrespected by their
partners. What is poignant is that they remained in the relationship, despite
hyperactivating through anxiety, anger, sadness, and/or conflictual interactions.
Participant 13 described her third husband mocking her when she asked for her
emotional needs to be met.
Oh yes. I—I remember very many times I could have—I wish I had just taken a
transcript of things that he told me. Like I would get upset and ask him, you
know, to be there, supportive or empathic with me, and he would just say ‘oh
gosh, we're in a crazy land’, you know. And then I would feel pathologized.
Participant 11 recalls her common-law boyfriend threatening to leave her:
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I mean, just yesterday he was just saying, “I can get my own place,” and, “The
bank can give me a mortgage too in case I need to move out,” and … so I do hear
things like that from him, so I never know. But then I keep thinking, “Well, no,
he really wants to be with me,” and … [pause] I don’t know.
Participant 9 described her boyfriend e-mailing and text messaging previous
girlfriends.
It did, but, I mean, there have been other e-mails, you know, or text messages that
I've kind of read before that haven't been so much about an affair but they've been
to and from ex-girlfriends. And I've kind of thought, well, should I say
something, shouldn't I? I got really stressed about, you know, what I should
really be saying and -- and how do you tell him how you know about them? Well,
I'm -- you know, I'm reading your phone messages or e-mails. So for the most
part I never really confronted him with anything.
The follow section will now provide narrative examples for the conclusions
within the lack of insight finding.
Lack of Insight
x
Ignored defining moments in relationships, and proceeded with the
relationship
x
Naïve about the consequences of choosing an incompatible partner
x
Did not realize the relationship was not going to get better and that he was not
going to change
x
Feels unsafe in relationships, committing, and/or truly connecting, so chooses
inappropriate partners
x
Frequent lack of understanding of romantic relationships: how they work, and
how to behave in them
x
Anxiety is triggered by his lack of commitment and him treating her poorly
Participants displayed a lack of insight with respect to relationships. This
included their partner’s behaviors and intentions toward them, their own role and
behaviors within those relationships, and the resulting subsequent impact on their
emotions and feelings.
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Ignored defining moments in relationships, and proceeded with the
relationship. Participants reported critical moments in their relationships where they
learned information about their potential or actual partner, had a sense of unrest about
this, but chose to proceed into or continue with the relationship, regardless of this. This
may relate to anxiously attached women having a major focus on a relationship, which
was both a finding of the study, and is also in the literature. Ignoring defining moments is
such a predominant finding and such a pivotal choice point for anxiously attached
individuals that multiple examples are provided. Resulting from this choice point is
ensuing relationship upset and dissatisfaction, which was highlighted in the Chapter 4
narratives.
Participant 2 heard from a childhood sweetheart, out of the blue. She was feeling
lonely, and her initial reaction was that he was trying to replace his wife, as they were
recently separated. She chose to go visit him after conversing with him. The following
quote illustrates her staying for five days, but she also moved in with him, and then they
broke up shortly thereafter.
So after three months I went out to [name of city that anxiously attached
childhood sweetheart was from] and I knew right away… I just felt in my gut the
moment I laid eyes on him, that I had made a big mistake and… But I stayed for
the five days…
Participant 3 went on a date with a guy she was set up with by friends, whom she
had had a crush on. The guy was sexually aggressive, and almost raped her, and ended
up violating her through a non-consensual act. She felt terrible about the situation and
herself. She then proceeded to date him.
I didn’t realize that I felt kind of – feeling kind of - ashamed – the way that I
didn’t handle it, the way that I dealt with it. That I went back and continued
seeing him. I don’t know; maybe it was a month, two months, and it…. It was a
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justification to somehow leave open this door for a strange fantasy about having a
relationship with him.
Participant 6 found it odd that the guy she was dating took five dates to kiss her.
When they kissed, it was a bad experience. In hindsight, she realizes what it meant. “The
first kiss that I’d had with him, when it was awful, I wouldn’t have… that would be it.”
She then married him, and was in a very low sex, abusive marriage for years.
Participant 7 went on a date with a man from another country who was a visiting
student and as very intrigued. He was pursuant of her, and she was excited about the
possibilities of a relationship with him. On this date, he advised her that he was promised
by proxy to marry a woman from his own country. Participant 7 was very upset. She
ended the date and went home and recalled her thoughts: “Right. And so because of that
I was like, well, why would I get involved with you then? I'm just going to waste four
years and that's going to be the end of it.” She then proceeded to be involved with him
and emotionally preoccupied with him for thirty years. In hindsight, she explained: “So
-- you know, but it's -- it's in retrospect looking back that it was, like, my own instincts
were there, but I -- I kind of overrode them kind of thing -- about him.”
Participant 9 rationalized how she got involved with a man that others warned her
about. He was depressive, but there were some compatibilities and things in common. It
seemed to her that it was time to get into a relationship due to the three year time lapse
since her last one. She rationalized why she got into the relationship as:
But I suppose it's also a big part of, you know, getting to know yourself -- and
what you maybe don't want in a relationship and what you do and the things
you're willing to -- you know, we all put up with things we don't like in a
relationship -- or things we don't necessarily agree with, and I suppose there's
always that give and take. And I suppose a big part of it was knowing, well, you
know, maybe this is just the reality of things, maybe this is just how it would be
with anybody.
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Participant 12 had cancer, and was understandably afraid of if she would survive
it. She was married at the time, and she and her husband were almost living as
roommates, and had not been connected for some time. She described an interaction of
needing humanity and reassurance from him and how he could not provide it:
And I would say to him ‘I’m scared, like what if I die?’ And he would just be like
pat me on the back, because at this point we’re just so almost estranged. Like it’s
weird, we had a very deep friendship on a level, but not – not an intimate – we
wouldn’t hug, we didn’t – he would pat me and be like ‘You’ll be okay’ and then
he would just go sleep in the spare room, like.
Participant 13 started dating a man in university who told her he was gay. He
went through a conversion program to shift from being a homosexual to heterosexual,
and they got married. However, she describes below how she allowed herself to get into
this situation.
But I, I was young, naïve, in love and hopeful and also, in a sense even though I
wasn't from the same religious background as he did, I absorbed a lot of that for
the sake of the unity of the relationship. So at that point, I was putting my faith in
God on top of everything and, and let that sort of override some of the doubts.
In a later part of the interview, she described that she knew when she walked
down the aisle at their wedding that something was wrong with the situation.
And, uh, I went into that relationship—I remember walking down the aisle,
getting married, feeling very kind of shaky and nervous. There was something in
my body I think. And my body—I might come back to this at some other point—
my body is actually a very reliable instrument. Unfortunately, I have ignored it a
lot. I—it speaks to me and then I shut it down and I ignore it. And even on the
wedding day, walking down the aisle, I had that sensation.
About this first husband, Participant 13 described: “And interestingly enough,
like these little, little signs or signals that one remembers, we had a dearth of sexuality I
guess for quite a number of years.”
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Participant 13 described being in a situation years later with her third husband,
about how it was so hard to work through any relationship issues, how aware she was of
the difficulty of this.
And so I would play this delicate dance with trying to get enough talk about the
relationship but also trying to back off. But it seemed that every time we got into
that, it would be a huge sore spot for him no matter how carefully I went there.
And—and—and somehow I, I really should have backed off from that
relationship and said, you know, a combination of my anxious attachment style,
the woundings I've had in the past that have exacerbated some of those wounds
and having a guy that really gets so incredibly touchy and sensitive. And he has a
temper.
Naïve about the consequences of choosing an incompatible partner.
Participants had a strong focus on being in relationships, and ultimately were very naive
about the consequences of choosing an incompatible partner. It is possible that their
sense of defectiveness and unlovability were ultimate drivers of these choices – the
opportunity to get into a relationship was one to grasp, but ultimately there was just a
sense of not thinking through or understanding what a life with these partner selections
would result in. Perhaps this was also due to a lack of effective role models or a lack of
guidance.
Participant 8 described her own value system of choosing very contrasting
partners to herself:
I value hand-- people who are hand-- things that I cannot bring to the table. So I
don't want someone who's like me -- because I don't think that that's very
interesting. I also like artistic people because I don't have that. And I've always
been very much into culture and arts -- and I love travellers.
Participant 12 who was desperate to be in a relationship and would quickly search
for and find a replacement, described rushing into and staying in relationships.
And then the problem with that is, because I tend to rush in, I would say many of
the boyfriends I’ve had, I haven’t really chosen them properly. And they weren’t
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necessarily the best partners for me, but I would sort of hang on and – and make
sure that we stayed together no matter what.
Participant 13 described her view of marrying her gay boyfriend, and how she just
did not think it would be an issue in their marriage. She projected her value system onto
her gay husband and expected that because they did not discuss fidelity and she did plan
to be faithful, that it would be a faithful marriage.
But I was so in love with him and I so wanted to give this a go that I went on with
that. And then I never brought up the topic of his homosexuality after we had
married. I assumed that we both had the value of fidelity, so that he wouldn't be
seeking out sexual partners outside of the relationship.
She then went on to say: “What sort of stymies me is why [I] would get attached
to somebody who had such a big, looming issue that would almost set [me] up for
perpetual insecurity.” And, she also later said in the interview, “And I did have a till
death do us part understanding about relationships.”
Did not realize the relationship was not going to get better and that he was
not going to change. The participants seemed to hold endless hope for an idealized view
of what the relationship could be and a fantasy for their relationships and their partners –
that one day he would switch and have his own insights. She would hope he would find
the errors of his ways, determine to be a better partner, and suddenly start to treat her the
way she wished to be treated, and be the partner he may have shown her at the outset of
the relationship when he was pursuing her.
After thirty years of pining over the man whom she was told on the second date
that was promised to marry another woman, and occasionally connecting sexually with
him over those years, Participant 7 seemed to have a breakthrough during one of her
rendezvous with this man, as she had matured over the years. Her recollection of him in
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this new light was: “It wasn't what it was before. Like, it sort of -- where I had always
had him as my ideal mate who I lost, it made him more real. He's a human being. He's
not -- perfect.”
Participant 11 described many things that were upsetting about the relationship,
including her common-law partner’s threats to go out and buy a house on his own, his
over-consumption of substances, his focus on going to the pub and writing versus having
couple time with her, a reduction in physical intimacy, him telling her he loves her only
after they argue, regular relationship upsets that seriously hyperactivate her into high
states of anxiety, and no imminent plans to marry. Yet, she described it being difficult to
determine if she should stay in the relationship:
Maybe fifty [percentage of time is happy in relationship]. That’s why it’s so hard
to make a decision to … whether to stay or go, because there’s so many … so
much good about the relationship, but so much that there isn’t.
Participant 13’s third marriage has been an ongoing disappointment to her. She is
describing the ending of her fantasy that he would change:
And I also need to—to let him know that in a sense, I have those projections on
him and it wasn't fair to him either….The projections that he could—if I loved—
see, this is the thing. If I love them enough, they'll be able to give me what I
need, right? That— ….It is a fantasy. But that's a fantasy that I have engaged in
and really, it's not fair to them—…
Participant 13 described the futility she felt in trying to resolve relationship issues:
Like one unresolved experience after another unresolved experience under
another, after another. And I remember having so many times when I would try
one approach or another approach. But I remember doing a lot of crying. A lot of
crying....Just the futility and the desperation and feeling stupid about myself and
how could I be in this situation and what can I do to have him come through to
me, get, get through to him.
Participant 6 held the fantasy throughout her entire marriage that her husband
would change. It is the researcher’s view that it is possible that she unknowingly held
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this fantasy beyond the marriage and past the divorce. The following was a recollection
of what she said to her ex-husband who had her and their adult children over for dinner.
I said, see, this is the difference… one of the differences between you and me:
I’m fascinated, you’re not. I said, aren’t you glad you’re not married to me
anymore? And I probably said it three times and he said, do you really want that
answer? And I’m like, mmm, probably not.
Feels unsafe in relationships, committing, and/or truly connecting, so chose
inappropriate partners. Likely the most incongruous conclusion of this study is that
while the participants presented a major focus on relationships, they also described
feeling unsafe in them if they got too close or committed or were connected on a deeply
intimate level. Choosing inappropriate partners allowed them to have their focus on
relationships, and yearning for partners, and challenging relationship behaviors when
they were disappointed. Yet, it kept them safely away from actually being in or fully in,
relationships. The following quotes from participants describe this fascinating paradox.
Participant 2 displayed this peculiarity by never being able to find the perfect
mate. “It was that thing again of not being satisfied and shopping for… the one.” She
went on to describe this as:
So I was always feeling like there’s something better, there’s going to be someone
who’s more in line with my soul, or… Somehow it’s just… it just wasn’t… it just
wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t the right match; it wasn’t like a soul resonance.
Participant 3 wrote in a journal entry: “maybe I’m stunned that there’s a part of
me that actually believes he could be right there with me?!” She also wrote, “What if he
agrees/wants the relationship? What then?”
In reference to these points in her journal entries, Participant 3 reflected that she
found certain guys who were available “insipid” and said:
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I have this weird aversion to guys who seem interested. Although this guy was
clearly interested in me – the recent one - in a way that didn’t put me off at all but
I don’t know, I think I have maybe an unrealistic vision of who I see myself with,
or something.
And, I think sometimes if I’m really faced with an opportunity to really
have a relationship, with these insipid guys, it’s not so much that I don’t trust
them for liking me, but I think there’s a part of me that’s actually scared of what I
would really be in a relationship. And then what? It’s almost easier to fantasize
about a relationship about somebody you can’t have one with because it can
always be an ideal. But then I get a broken heart. It’s like I don’t have to actually
get involved in the work of a relationship, I’m always just trying to get into one.
[laughs]
Participant 8 described her fear of losing herself and not achieving her goals if she
gets into a fully committed relationship:
I think that's what people see, but I think the relationship is deeper than that. But
that's kind of how -- that's what I was playing out on. And -- and then I met
someone else. I think I just -- I wanted to do -- I wanted to do other things. I
wanted to travel. I wanted to -- it started -- which happens a lot to me because
then I started -- I'm fearful…. I'm fearful about real-- I'm fearful about getting
married. I'm fearful about losing myself in someone. I just -- I don't -- because I
think I've grown up in a culture where women are all about their families, I
struggle -- and I want to do what I want to do -- and I'm fearful that if I -- even
though I desperately want a rel-- to be with that person when I'm first with
someone, I also feel that the idea of having someone in my life will stop me from
doing whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it and it scares me. The idea
of a relationship scares me. So ....
She went on to describe that it is easier to feel anxious in and about relationships and to
feel vulnerable:
I think anxiety is much more comforting to me than -- being super vulnerable to
someone because --that's not what I want to do. Because I think the ones that I've
gotten to know longer -- it doesn't even have to take that long, it could take a
week. Once I get to know them, I -- this probably isn't someone I'd want to have
a relationship -- anyways with -- if I've taken time to kind of -- let that play out.
Participant 11 described feeling unsafe in what seemed like a typical dating
scenario with a nice guy:
And we were only together maybe for three or four months, but he was the kind
of guy who invited me over to his house, made me dinner, played the guitar for
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me when I was falling asleep, would pick me up. Like, he was just a real … like
what a boyfriend should be like…. I think he wanted it to go there. Like, I think
we were pretty committed. …I just … again, I … for some reason, I … I didn’t
feel safe.
Prior to her current relationship, Participant 12 chose partners without much
discernment. She said that she panics when relationships go well. She is experiencing
this in her current relationship of three years which is progressing in a manner that she is
very happy about.
But it opens up another can of worms I find with this one because – because we’re
both aware of the issues that I have and – and that I can be jealous and that I can
be irrational and that I can panic over God knows what, I’ll just panic about our
relationship. When I’m not in that state, which is – I was thinking about it on the
way here today; I was like when I’m – when things are just fine and I’m not
trying to strangle our relationship to death, when I’m actually just comfortable,
secure, we’re good, things are just light and nice, then I – I set into almost like a
different panic because I don’t know what this, like I don’t – I’ve never felt this
before.
Frequent lack of understanding of romantic relationships: how they work,
and how to behave in them. The participants displayed an ongoing and frequent lack of
understanding of romantic relationships, in terms of how they work, and how to behave
in them. Part of this might be due to the inconsistencies they experienced from their
caregivers, and their caregiver’s poor romantic relationship role-modeling. It is this lack
of understanding that possibly kept them returning to the situation only to find the same
outcomes, but hoping it would be different. Partner selection of men who could not
commit, their own beliefs of what relationships should be and provide them, and their
behaviors in relationships that contributed to the relationship pattern with their partner of
proximity seeking and not realizing the frustrating impact on their partner, ongoing upset,
illustrate this lack of understanding.
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Participant 3 realizes that many parts of her life are very functional, but the area
of romantic relationships is not.
Generally in my life I feel like I’ve gotten pretty balanced – I have a healthy
relationship with my family and friends, I'm generous and kind and I’m there for
my friends, I get great advice. And yet, when it comes to relationships – total
mess.
Participant 7 spent thirty years of her life pining over an unavailable man, and
being what she called “the other woman”, and feeling like she could not get it right,
which is likely that she did not know what she needed to do to get what she wanted,
which was a committed partner. She chose a guy who told her he was committed to
someone else, and she stayed with him. She expressed her anxiety over now being the
main woman – a role she has never had to fully play in a romantic relationship.
Now, being the main woman sets off another set of anxieties, which -- I'm going - I'm encountering right now -- in the relationship I'm in, but sticking with -- with
that one, I think the -- part of the anxiety is, as I -- as I said already, it's that I can't
get it right. I can't -- I don't know how to get it right. I don't know how to have a
relationship like everybody else has. I don't know how to do that. I don't have the
-- the faculties, the -- you know, so I'm always on the wrong side of something.
It's something like that.
Participant 8 was exceptionally clingy and needy from the outset of relationships.
She tried to control and manipulate men into being with her, and tried to live together
very early on. While this extreme behavior is not typical of other participants in this
study, her expression of genuinely not understanding why she kept finding herself in the
same position was shocking: “Well, and that's why I'm so devastated when people
disappear because I don't really understand why it continuously happens.”
Participant 12 also exhibited extreme relationship behavior, but the following
illustrates the perspective of a friend who started dating her boyfriend’s friend at the same
time. Participant 12’s relationship was moving far too quickly.
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…and she’s like ‘You’re ruining it for all of us’. And I was like ‘What?’ And
her, the guy she was seeing said ‘Seriously guys’, he’s like ‘Way too fast.’ He’s
like ‘You’re ruining it, the four of us have such a fun good thing going’ and he’s
like ‘and you guys are on like the road to disaster.’ He’s like ‘Just you guys have
to chill the fuck out.
Anxiety is triggered by his lack of commitment and him treating her poorly.
Participants found themselves in repetitious situations – the individuals and some
circumstances were different, but the ultimate sense of hyperactivation through high
anxiety and upset was triggered by the interrelation with the partner who would not
commit, be in a withdrawal mode from the participants, and/or who was treating her
poorly.
Participant 8’s behavior described below is not necessarily representative of the
majority of others in the study. However, it illustrates her anxiety due to expecting him
to be in a relationship as a result of sleeping together and it is not his expectation.
However, she keeps engaging the behavior over and over.
And I quite quickly -- first night usually have sex with them. And then feel -- and
even though I know -- even though I know I shouldn't, I do -- because -- not
because I shouldn't for any societal norm, I shouldn't because the anxiety comes
in.
Early on in their relationship, Participant 9’s ex-boyfriend disclosed intimate
details of his sex life with his ex-girlfriend who continued to be a part of his social circle.
Participant 9 was frequently hyperactivated during the relationship due to the exgirlfriend being around, him not reassuring her, she would choose to not go out with the
group, and he would not call or text when he said he would, which would further
hyperactivate her. Participant 9 had trust issues with him, and he ultimately ended up
cheating on her.
313
So I kind of think sometimes a big part of it was, you know, just me and maybe
having a -- you know, a big trusting element anyway. But then I kind of think,
well, no, I mean, if -- like this most recent boyfriend, you know, if this exgirlfriend hadn't been in his life to the same extent that she had been, he hadn't
made those comments, then I think things would have been, you know, much
better. I mean, maybe, yes, there would have been things we would have argued
about anyway.
Participant 11 would get into upsets with her common-law boyfriend who was
very emotionally and physically withdrawn. They did not have much couple time. She
would feel intense anxiety during those upsets.
There are moments when I feel, ‘Was this just such a waste of time?’ and I …
whenever I have those anxiety moments, you know, I’m on the floor crying and
unaware of anything that’s going on around me….And I keep thinking, ‘How
could I give away three years of my life to this?’
Conglomerate Statement
The reported lived experiences in romantic relationships for these women entail a
myriad of emotions from excitement, at the beginning with hope that their current, new
relationship will become “the one”. Overall, relationships were defined as a “struggle”
and “hard”, and there is anxiety and grief during relationship upset and termination.
A common theme that emerged is relationship with self as one of feeling
defective, unlovable, and having low self-esteem that affects them at each stage of a
relationship. Participants often feel embarrassed for being single, such as a “loser”.
Their longing for an idealized, fulfilling relationship while having a lasting, satisfying
relationship, is often an unfulfilled goal. Relationships often result in what they most fear
– being left by the man they love, either actually, or through his retreat away from them,
and being alone.
They get into relationships with men who are emotionally unavailable, noncommittal, or who withdraw physically or emotionally after the relationship rises to a
314
certain level of connection. Often, they become involved within a short time period.
They are hopeful about the possibility of the new relationship working. The relationship
is entered into without the careful consideration of compatibility or true availability of the
potential mate, and the practicality of getting to fully know the person before making this
decision. They often view their partner in ways that how being with him can benefit
them. Defining moments and fatal flaws of a partner, often relating to the ability to fully
commit to a healthy relationship and to be an involved, connected, communicative
partner get ignored, despite registering. Getting into a relationship far outweighs the goal
of getting into the right relationship, despite having an idealized view of what a
relationship can be, and to be in a committed relationship. An extreme bond is felt with
the man once they connect and further bonding occurs when they connect sexually, and
then they feel that they cannot let him go, and have a very hard time doing so when they
must.
Initially they may have enjoyed being pursued by actual or potential suitors, the
joy of discovery and hope of having found a new partner, and a potential relationship that
they hope that they can count on for the long term. They have a major focus of being
with their partner and sometimes want to be around them too much. Their positive
beginning with a partner ultimately leads to a shift: when they stop being pursued either
due to their potential or actual partner’s lack of interest or complacency, and they then
assume the role of tenacious pursuer. This is sometimes through flirtatious or sexual
activity with the belief and/or hope that this will lead to a relationship. Sometimes this
sexual activity is a means to be held and to feel connection. Regardless of the means of
pursuit, this pursuit of the other seems to result ultimately in the other leaving, his lack of
315
interest, or a perpetuation of the lack of interest that caused the withdrawal in the first
place. Intense upset and anxiety ensue at the sense of his lack of commitment or the
potential loss of the relationship with him. Sometimes there is a sabotaging of the
relationship by engaging in behavior that is upsetting to the partner or not conducive to
effective relating.
The partner actually leaving or the physical (less sex and physical affection)
and/or emotional retreat are the ultimate outcome of these shorter or longer term
relationships. The partner’s inability to commit to the relationship or to be fully present
in a committed relationship triggers their anxiety as well as their sense of not being good
enough or lovable enough. There is a vacillation between reality and fantasy – the reality
that their partner is likely not interested in them enough to commit versus the fantasy that
he is - or that he will magically return to them and be the love they wish for.
Because they are so intent on being with him, they do not implement
consequences to his relationship behavior of spending less time with them, having less
sex with them, being less kind to them, as examples, but rather they inadvertently
reinforce it, grateful for whatever attention or connection they obtain from him, however
meager, inconsistent, or dissatisfying. They will try to relate to him effectively, but this
is often not reciprocated, and leads to upset between them. They will engage in
relationship upset with their partner through arguments, ironically fighting for
connection, and often do not like their own behavior as what gets emotionally triggered is
deep anger and sadness about not feeling wanted or good enough.
If the man they pursue stays with them for shorter or longer term durations, they
experience his mistreatment or lack of kindness in various ways, as indicated above.
316
These women’s partners also expect and allow them to give excessively (and the
partners’ do not consider or intend reciprocity). However, for the women, there is a sense
of excessive giving and a glaring gap between what they receive in these acts of kindness
or in the relationship, or sexually from their partner. Overall, there is a sense of distance
that he has created through overwork, or through other activities or behaviors that
indicate his lack of emotional, physical, or sexual interest, or sometimes through
relationship upset. These women feel neglected, anxious, lonely, and sexually frustrated.
Sometimes they think this is about them being defective.
These women yearn for their partner to want them and for him to be close to them
and spend time as a couple, often feeling alone, lonely, sad, and angry. They feel not
good enough, anger, sadness, and disappointment, to deep and ongoing grief for their
relationship. They act this out sometimes in overt and covert ways, sometimes by
withdrawing and feeling sad, or by seeking attention through crying or getting angry in
front of him. They hope for a positive reaction and to be reassured and comforted.
Paradoxically, most of the time this attention seeking leads to his continued behavior of
being shut down and angry at them for being angry or sad or crying. Often he will
physically leave the argument, exacerbating their anxiety that is heightened to a point of
sometimes feeling out of control, but for sure feeling upset. Regardless of all of this
ongoing upset, they still yearn and hope and dream, to find “the one”, their “heart’s
desire”.
Their denial persists through each stage of the relationship, because to lose him is
the worst possible outcome. Their barometer of what love is and how relationships work
and how to behave in them can be traced back to their parents, as their role models were
317
typically ineffectual toward each other and most often to them. To be wanted by the type
of man they thinks is for them – most often a man who cannot commit or be comfortable
with ongoing emotional, physical, and sexual connection – proves how lovable and
desirable they must really be. They view this kind of man as interesting and enticing.
Despite being very committed, they will terminate the relationship as a last resort.
By that time there have been many disappointments and much relationship strife, which
reinforce their already low self regard and sense of unlovability. They try to repair the
relationships before and sometimes after they end. They have a fantasy that he will
return to them – and become the man they want him to be. The break between
relationships may be long or short, but until the time that they meet someone new, they
may wonder if they can ever allow the possibility of that pain again. Regardless of how
much they have lost their self respect in the relationship, they usually regain it at some
point after a relationship has terminated, and they will realize his negative treatment or
his characteristics that were not conducive to being together. They much more
objectively allow themselves to view and speak and think of that relationship.
Sometimes that comes with regret for having chosen that partner and often for staying
longer than the relationship was viable.
When relationships end, they are anxious and sad. Often they have a lacking
support system. This lost relationship is very painful. Regardless of the quality of the
relationship, they might do anything to get him back, even if they know deep down that
he is not the right partner for them, and/or that the relationship is not viable. Losing him
is a sense of deep grief.
318
They are aware of time – how much time they were in relationships and the time
between relationships. And as time passes, of long or short duration, the cycle begins
again, and again, and again. They know that they have repeated these negative patterns
and poor relationship choices over and over in their lives. They will continue to meet
men who will show interest in them. Their pattern has been to respond to that interest
regardless of compatibility due to their hope for a deep love, or their loneliness, or desire
for sexual connection. While they want a good relationship, it remains to be determined
if they have yet to break the patterns that got them into their previous relationships.
Discussion of the Results
Design flaws, Limitations of the Study, and Recommendations to Improve the Study
The purposive sample of ten participants allowed for a variety of participants and
enough data to truly understand the phenomenon (Polkinghorne, 2005). Further the
Moustakas’ modified van Kaam (1994) approach was a good fit for the research question
because it allowed the exploration of in depth views of the lived experience of anxiously
attached women. The following will now discuss six limitations to this study.
First, a limitation of the design was the process by which anxiously attached
adults were confirmed as such. A formal instrument, such as the AAI (Adult Attachment
Interview) (Main, 1996) for measuring anxious attachment was not used. If this
instrument was used, it would fully confirm the attachment style, particularly if those
screening participants in a future study are not well-versed in attachment theory.
However, the researcher is fully confident that all participants whose data were used in
this study had an anxious attachment style.
319
Second, despite efforts for the researcher to engage in epoche, it was not possible
to do so at all times (Husserl, 1931 in Moustakas, 1994; Merleau-Ponty, 1962;
Moustakas, 1994). However, the researcher was conscious of this, did not review the
literature review or the data analysis for participant data already analyzed, and did not
compare analysis as the data analysis process was carried through for each participant.
Third, participant bias was addressed by considering and presenting data from
participants that was not commonly held or experienced by other participants
(Polkinghorne, 2005). Ultimately the data was given fair consideration, but if findings
were unique to a participant and themes did not emerge it was stated as such, or was not
further used.
Fourth, it can never be ascertained if participants fully told the truth about their
lived experiences (Polkinghorne, 2005). However, the explanatory validity is likely very
reasonable (Gelo et al., 2008) given that participants were very eager to tell about their
lived experiences and became very engaged in the interview. Anxiously attached women
tend to have less of a filter and are typically ingenuous, so while it is expected that
information was omitted by them, the researcher is quite confident in its truthfulness.
This limitation could have been mitigated to some extent through having two or three
interviews with participants.
Fifth, while the causality (Maxwell, 2003) of anxious attachment was not sought
in any way by the researcher in the interviews, the participants spoke to this issue through
unsolicited reports of parental behavior toward the participants, and of how their parents
related as a couple to a degree that it was an emergent theme in the findings. However,
the solid foundation of attachment theory is based on the premise that how children are
320
parented determines their attachment style (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Bowlby, 1969,
1973, 1980; Main, 1996, 2000).
Sixth, a delimitation to the study was that there was no reported Axis II diagnosis
or psychotic disorder. However, unless a full psychological or psychiatric testing would
have been completed, it is not possible to know for sure if there were Axis II conditions.
Data of certain behaviors in particular were not used as these did not fit with emergent
themes of the other participants as a whole.
Recommendations for improvement to this study. Recruitment process and
material. Approaching attachment therapists directly (versus other therapists) through
the initial letter and a follow up phone call would have saved a tremendous amount of
recruitment time.
Recruitment through social media. For this study, this was completely
ineffective because there was not a ready database. For researchers with very established
sites, it is possible that they may have obtained effective results.
Definition of anxious attachment. Finally, how anxious attachment was defined
in the recruitment material would be changed. Rather than using Hazan and Shaver’s
(1987) definition that included “I want to merge completely with another person” (para
23), the definition would be reworded to:
I find myself to be very relationship focused, and it is very important for me to be
in a relationship. I also like to spend quite a bit of time with my partner. I
sometimes get concerned that my partner is not happy with me, or will not want to
be with me for the longer term, and this makes me feel anxious. Sometimes I
express these worries, or attempt to get him to tell me he loves me or wants to be
with me, and it upsets or frustrates my partner.
321
Recommendations for Further Research or Interventions
These two recommendations are based on the data findings, and other aspects
related to the research problem.
Future Study Developed Directly From the Data
A finding in this study is poor parental role modeling of romantic relationships.
Given that the etiology for their insecure attachment relates to early caregiving
experiences (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Bowlby, 1969), a deeper understanding of
parental or caregiver impacts on them needs to be researched. A phenomenological study
on the early childhood experiences of anxiously attached women, including how their
caregivers treated them, and the romantic relationship of the caregivers could provide
further awareness about this.
Future Study to Investigate Issues Not Supported by the Data But Relevant to the
Research Problem
Given that the predominant partner selection of anxiously attached women is
dismissive avoidantly attached heterosexual males, a phenomenological study on their
lived experiences in romantic relationships could provide insight into the experiences and
perceptions of these men, and shed light from that perspective on their typically
anxiously attached female partners.
Conclusion
When Participant 11 at the outset of meeting the researcher for her interview
asked, “Is there hope?” the researcher assumed she meant for a happy relationship. If an
anxiously attached woman wants a truly healthy relationship, she will have to be rigorous
to attempt to heal the negative effects of how her caregivers treated her, which means
322
learning that she is lovable, good enough, and worthy of happiness. She will have to
make concerted attempts to shift her beliefs about relationships and men and her
worldviews that were formed that are not conducive to healthy relating. She will also
have to learn what a healthy partner is and work to become a healthy partner herself and
to find those qualities appealing in a partner. She will have to focus on self-soothing and
implementing good relationship behaviors. She can also strive with a partner to meet
each other’s needs and to connect and behave in a healthy and productive manner with
the assistance of a couple’s therapist, and in particular, with the efficacy of an attachment
focused couple’s therapist (Lebow, Chambers, Christensen, & Johnson, 2012). As such,
what is fully in her control is to make efforts to change these beliefs and behaviors and to
manage her feelings, and to have a goal of an earned secure attachment style, where she
has a realistic view of her childhood, her parents, she can self-soothe, and have healthy
relationships with others, and healthy romantic relationship beliefs and behaviors
(Ainsworth, 1989; Bernier & Dozier, 2002; Bretherton, 1992; Mikulincer & Shaver,
2007a; Mikulincer et al., 2009; Paley et al., 1999; Roisman et al., 2002).
As Dr. John Bowlby said, attachment occurs from the “cradle to the grave” (1979,
p. 129). The one certain relationship during any lifetime is the relationship with self,
which can be as fulfilling as any person chooses for it to be. Within these choices are to
have a joyful, love-filled, full and healthy life in the here and now with meaningful work,
hobbies and interests, and chosen friends and family. Those aspects of an anxiously
attached woman’s life are firmly within her grasp, and with a little providence and
concerted endeavors to shift old patterns, she may, she just may also have a satisfying,
healthy romantic relationship one day.
323
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APPENDIX A. STATEMENT OF ORIGINAL WORK
Academic Honesty Policy
Capella University’s Academic Honesty Policy (3.01.01) holds learners accountable for
the integrity of work they submit, which includes but is not limited to discussion
postings, assignments, comprehensive exams, and the dissertation or capstone project.
Established in the Policy are the expectations for original work, rationale for the policy,
definition of terms that pertain to academic honesty and original work, and disciplinary
consequences of academic dishonesty. Also stated in the Policy is the expectation that
learners will follow APA rules for citing another person’s ideas or works.
The following standards for original work and definition of plagiarism are discussed in
the Policy:
Learners are expected to be the sole authors of their work and to acknowledge the
authorship of others’ work through proper citation and reference. Use of another
person’s ideas, including another learner’s, without proper reference or citation
constitutes plagiarism and academic dishonesty and is prohibited conduct. (p. 1)
Plagiarism is one example of academic dishonesty. Plagiarism is presenting
someone else’s ideas or work as your own. Plagiarism also includes copying
verbatim or rephrasing ideas without properly acknowledging the source by author,
date, and publication medium. (p. 2)
Capella University’s Research Misconduct Policy (3.03.06) holds learners accountable for
research integrity. What constitutes research misconduct is discussed in the Policy:
Research misconduct includes but is not limited to falsification, fabrication,
plagiarism, misappropriation, or other practices that seriously deviate from those
that are commonly accepted within the academic community for proposing,
conducting, or reviewing research, or in reporting research results. (p. 1)
Learners failing to abide by these policies are subject to consequences, including but not
limited to dismissal or revocation of the degree.
338
Statement of Original Work and Signature
I have read, understood, and abided by Capella University’s Academic Honesty Policy
(3.01.01) and Research Misconduct Policy (3.03.06), including the Policy Statements,
Rationale, and Definitions.
I attest that this dissertation or capstone project is my own work. Where I have used the
ideas or words of others, I have paraphrased, summarized, or used direct quotes following
the guidelines set forth in the APA Publication Manual.
Dr. Barry Trunk
Mentor:
School: Harold Abel School of Social and Behavioral Sciences
Learner: Catherine Wood
Date November 25, 2013
339
APPENDIX B: SAMPLE GUIDING INTERVIEW QUESTIONS
The following are a sample of guiding, open-ended questions for the interviews.
1. What is it like being in a romantic relationship for you (van Kaam, 1959;
Moustakas, 1994)?
2. What, in your own actual experience, has contributed to a satisfying and
dissatisfying romantic relationship (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Brassard et al.,
2009; Dinero et al., 2008)?
3. How do you feel when you or your partner (or previous partners) a) are
getting along well, and b) are not getting along well (Brassard et al., 2009)?
What do you actually think about him and relationships at those times
(Saavedra et al., 2010)?
4. When you and your (past or current partner(s)) were/are having a
disagreement or relationship upset, what have you done that is effective to
make yourself feel better? [This question is designed to elicit self-soothing
mechanisms (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).]
5. What (thoughts, perceptions, or behaviors) about/in the relationship cause you
and your partner (or previous partners) to be upset with each other (Connors,
1997; Fraley et al., 2006)?
6. How has/have your partner choice(s) impacted your relationship happiness?
Your overall satisfaction with your life (Alexandrov et al., 2005; Brassard et
al., 2009; Dinero et al., 2008)?
7. How do a) you and b) your partner(s) (past and present) contribute to the
positive and negative times in your relationship? This could relate to your
thoughts about each other, how either of you view(ed) the relationship or each
other, or how either of you (have) shifted your behavior in the relationship
(Brassard et al., 2009; Saavedra et al., 2010)?
8. What has been your actual experience of relationship endings? What did you
think and feel at these times? How did you actually overcome these thoughts
and feelings? What did you do to heal from these (Saavedra et al., 2010;
Tomlinson et al., 2010)?
340
9. What have you actually done in relationships (past or current) that has
improved the relationship? Eg. this could relate to your thoughts, how you
view the relationship or your partner, or how you have shifted your behavior
in the relationship (Brassard et al., 2009; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007;
Saavedra et al., 2010).
10. “What should I have asked you that I did not think to ask?” (Patton, 2002, p.
379).
341