1. family and parenting
2. children

Copyright
The Most Powerful Strategy to
Achieve Lasting Happiness
Copyright © 2014 Marquita A. Herald
License Notes
This digital special report is licensed for your personal enjoyment. Although
this is a free publication, it remains the copyrighted property of the author
and it may not be sold or used for commercial purposes; however you may
reproduce and share the information contained herein for your own
personal use.
Dear ERL Insider,
This eBook is being made available exclusively to you as a valuable member of the
Emotionally Resilient Living community of subscribers. It is a sample of what will be
available in the Pathways to Resilient Living learning center that will be launched in
December.
This particular publication is part of a series of relatively short eBooks that will be tightly
focused on addressing a specific personal growth issue.
Others that will be offered in the series include how to remove emotional baggage and
limiting beliefs, a step-by-step guide to identifying your values and how to become a
more confident decision maker.
I hope you will enjoy this preview and look forward to sharing more with you in the
weeks to come.
Warmest regards,
Marquita Herald
Introduction
Happiness is something we all strive for, yet many people find it challenging to grasp
and even harder to maintain.
There are those who consider themselves to be basically happy, but wouldn’t mind
finding a way to remove - or at least minimize - the annoying stumbling blocks and
disruptions (especially people) that keep putting a damper on their hard earned positive
attitude.
Others get stuck in “I would be happy if only” thinking as they wait for various
predetermined circumstances to signal happiness is finally on the way; while a few
really aren’t sure what happiness is even supposed to feel like and so they drift from
one bit of self-help advice and forum discussion to another hoping that something will
trigger their “AHHA!” moment.
You’ve probably heard it all, but just as a frame of reference here’s a quick rundown of
standard tips on how to be happy.

Exercise.

Manage stress.

Cultivate gratitude.

Foster forgiveness.

Choose to be happy.

Lend a helping hand.

Have a support system.

Sleep, smile, and laugh more.

Don’t compare yourself to others.

Remove negative thoughts, feelings and people.

Accept where you are in life and make the most of each day.
The bottom line on all this advice contains good news and bad news.
The bad news is that - regardless of the circumstances in your life - creating lasting
happiness is entirely up to you. The good news is that - regardless of the circumstances
in your life - creating lasting happiness is entirely up to you.
No, I’m not trying to be funny … well, okay maybe a little cute, but I’m totally serious
about YOU being the key to your lasting happiness … just maybe not quite in the way
you’ve been lead to believe and that is where the good news, and opportunity for growth
awaits.
It is true that happiness is a choice, and being happy doesn’t mean that everything has to be
perfect, but neither does it have to mean settling for less than you deserve in life.
~Marquita Herald
Before we continue let me clarify that what you will not find in the pages that follow is a
collection of tips to create temporary states of happiness to boost your morale from dayto-day, or another “think positive and all will be well” motivational pep talk.
What you will find is a powerful - yet often overlooked - strategy to create long term
happiness and tangible steps you can begin taking immediately to achieve greater selfconfidence and enhanced life satisfaction.
I won’t kid you - there is a price to pay, there always is. In this case the price is
commitment. One reason thousands of people troll the Internet every day for tips on
how to be happier is that they are looking for short cuts, preferably painless short cuts to
help them feel better about their lives.
There is no special training or knowledge required to implement the strategy I’m about
to share with you, but you must be willing to become more self aware, have the courage
to admit what matters most to you, and commit to begin making intentional choices to
create your best life.
I'm not telling you it's going to be easy, I'm just telling you it's going to be worth it.
~Mae West
This life is yours. Take the power to choose what you want to do and do it
well. Take the power to love what you want in life and love it honestly. Take
the power to walk in the forest and be a part of nature. Take the power
to control your only life. No one else can do it for you.
Take the power to make your lie happy
~Susan Polis Schultz
The Search for Happiness
Happy people have made a conscious choice not to wait for everything to be perfect
before experiencing all the joy that life has to offer. They understand that happiness will
not magically manifest itself as a result of their next purchase, a bigger paycheck, or a
shiny new relationship.
Authentic happiness can be experienced at any point in our lives regardless of our
circumstances. But finding happiness does not mean we become complacent in the
face of things that can be changed. Nor does it mean we stop striving or growing or
maturing. Happiness and contentment are not meant to be used as excuses for
mediocrity.
Instead, we practice intentional self-care because we believe in our own value, and walk
forward in confidence and discipline to become the best possible versions of ourselves
… not just for our own well-being, but for the well-being of others.
I am in charge of how I feel and today I am choosing happiness.
~Author Unknown
How Do You Define Happiness?
According to Webster’s Dictionary, “happiness” is a state of well-being characterized by
emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.
Clearly what happiness means for each of us is highly subjective and depends on many
things such as individual values, attitude and outlook on life. There is a temporary state
of happiness when you have a good day or achieve a goal … then there’s the broader,
feeling of satisfaction with yourself and life in general.
For you happiness might be excitement, fulfillment, freedom, and feeling fully alive with
joy. For someone else it might be a more peaceful, contented, hopeful and comfortable
feeling.
Interestingly there is one determining factor that rarely comes up in these lists of what
represents happiness, and yet studies have shown that it is a key component to
achieving authentic happiness and greater life satisfaction.
The secret to happiness is freedom, and the secret to freedom is courage.
~Thucydides
Thucydides was an ancient Greek historian and author who lived around 400 B.C. and it
turns out he may have had the secret to lasting happiness right all along - personal
freedom.
What researchers have found is that the foundation for achieving an enduring sense of
happiness is “autonomy” which means having the ability to make choices according to
one’s own free will. If you feel coerced by internal pressures such as guilt or limiting
beliefs, or external pressures like circumstances out of your control or (especially!) other
people - you quickly lose that feeling of autonomy.
When you're upset about something in your life - loss of a relationship, a job problem,
your health - it's usually because you're feeling as if you are no longer in control of this
area your life. Much of what creates adverse emotions such as sadness, anger, regret,
and disappointment is ultimately about lack of autonomy.
Researchers have found that having a strong sense of controlling one's life is a
more dependable predictor of positive feelings of well-being than any of the
objective conditions of life previously considered.
Autonomy
Believing we are in control of our life circumstances and having a sense of self
determination is empowering. It fuels our motivation to achieve our goals and gives us
the courage to build hope and faith in our future.
In fact personal freedom and self determination is the motivation behind the entire
notion of being an entrepreneur. Why else would someone leave the security of a job
and paycheck to work even longer hours, often for less pay, with no guarantee of
success and probably no benefits, if not for the opportunity to create their own destiny?!
An example of how external pressures can affect us:
Try to imagine the difference between you choosing to feel grateful for your job, versus
someone - like your supervisor - telling you that you should be grateful to have a job.
You may well choose to accept that you should be grateful for your job and keep telling
yourself to just “be happy” but even relatively minor external pressure can wear on you
over time - particularly if it’s repeated again and again - subtly but surely eroding your
positive attitude. Worst case scenario, to push back against the pressure you may
subconsciously begin finding reasons why you might not actually be so grateful to have
that job after all.
Other examples of the same type of scenario could be family or friends pressuring you
to commit to a relationship because the person is such a good “catch” - and after all
you’re not getting any younger; or family pressuring you to follow a particular career
path for no other reason than it’s “tradition”.
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide
not to be reduced by them.
~Maya Angelou
Life of course rarely affords the luxury complete autonomy because there will always be
things out of your control and other people naturally have their own agendas which may
or may not fit with your own.
But you do have the personal power and authority to create your own sense of
autonomy by establishing healthy personal boundaries.
***
Creating a Sense of Control through Boundaries
Personal boundaries are the protective guidelines we set for ourselves as individuals, in
relationships and in the workplace. They give us that sense of self determination we
long for and help guard against being overwhelmed by the demands of others. Healthy
boundaries also increase our ability to find inner strength and the resilience to bounce
back from life’s inevitable challenges. Boundaries create the personal space we need
for decision-making and cultivating happiness and greater life satisfaction.
Boundaries are not meant to control others they are meant to be used as guidelines
for you to know what is acceptable and what is not in your life.
~Author Unknown
Unfortunately, many people consider the concept of boundaries to be something of an
enigma; they’ve heard of them but don’t really understand how they work, how to get
them, or if they even want them. It’s no wonder because when it comes to boundaries
myths abound and we mistakenly assume everything from creating limits is selfish to
real love requires no boundaries.
So before we go any further we need to eliminate the misconceptions and clarify what
personal boundaries are and exactly how they work.
The 5 Biggest Myths about Personal Boundaries
Myth: Boundaries push people away.
Personal boundaries allow us to protect ourselves and are integral for cultivating close
relationships. Boundaries come from having a good sense of your own self-worth. They
make it possible for you to separate your own thoughts and feelings from those of
others and to take responsibility for what you think, feel and do. They allow you to get
close to others when it is appropriate and to maintain your distance when you might in
some way be harmed by getting too close. Good boundaries protect you from abuse
and pave the way to achieving true intimacy.
Myth: Real love has no boundaries.
For many, particularly family and friends, the statement “I love you” comes with an
unspoken commitment to do anything they ask at any time. In the name of love, many
people end up giving in to unrealistic or even harmful demands that cause damage,
build resentment, and may eventually destroy the relationship.
A healthy relationship is one in which the boundaries are strong, yet flexible enough to
allow you to flourish with your own uniqueness. There is a sense of respect on the part
of each individual that allows the other to live as full a life as possible and to explore
their own personal potential. You don't have to give up yourself for a relationship.
Healthy boundaries allow trust and security to develop in a relationship.
Myth: Boundaries are selfish.
Sadly, many people avoid setting boundaries in the misguided belief that complying with
each and every request will win the love and respect of others. The problem is that
every act of compliance, self-denial, or neediness chips away at the respect others have
for them, in effect undermining the very things they wanted most.
You simply cannot be at your best - either for yourself or others - if you are depleted,
resentful, and over-committed. Healthy boundaries are actually helpful for others
because they provide people with a clearer understanding of who you are and what
matters most to you. Remember - you teach people how to treat you, and if you don’t
respect yourself then how can you expect others to?
Myth: Setting boundaries requires you to be mean.
Personal boundaries are not meant to restrict or manage the behavior of others, nor are
they a form of punishment. Unfortunately what sometimes happens is people with weak
boundaries will reach a tipping point after having been taken advantage of for an
extended period of time, and they end up going to the extreme by setting boundaries
out of rage rather than from a place of emotional centeredness.
The next section will cover how to establish boundaries, but for now it’s enough to know
that healthy boundaries come from a combination of respect, core values and your
highest life priorities.
Myth: Boundaries require too much time.
Actually, it’s just the opposite. A life without personal boundaries drains your time,
energy and emotions. The limits we create around our bodies, relationships,
belongings, feelings, and beliefs give us the time, safety, resources and focus to build
the beautiful and fulfilling lives we are here to create.
The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies
or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey
- and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.
~Bob Moawad
Anatomy of a Personal Boundary
Now that we’ve addressed a few of the prevailing myths let’s take a look at the
difference between healthy and unhealthy personal boundaries.
As you review the following list remember that personal boundaries are like imaginary
lines you draw around yourself to maintain balance and protect your body, mind,
emotions and time from the behavior or demands of others.
Signs of Healthy Boundaries

You are aware of your personal space, and know how to speak up when
someone is invading it.

You take the time to get to know people before you trust them with your
emotions, time, personal information, or physical touch.

You believe in and trust your feelings, judgments, hunches, and intuitions.

You pay attention to your intuition or “gut” when you aren’t feeling safe or
comfortable, and remove yourself from those situations even if others don’t
understand or agree.

You know that it’s okay to say “No” or walk away when you feel pressured,
unsafe, or not ready for something.

When a relationship is destructive, you are able to let go of it without
experiencing disabling depression. You have a circle of supportive friends and
healthy interests to see you through adverse situations.

You accept others for who they are without pressuring them to please you or
fulfill your wants and needs, and you speak up when others are pressuring you.

You don’t go against your personal values or rights to please others.

You know and accept that you are not perfect - sometimes you are going to
change your mind, make mistakes and even fail.

You know how to communicate your boundaries clearly and confidently.

You let relationships enrich your life without completely defining it.
Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries

You say yes even when you really want to say no.

You feel guilty when you do say no.

You act against your core values to keep the peace.

You don't stand up for yourself when someone mistreats you.

You give too much just to be liked or included.

You allow people to say or do things to you that make you uncomfortable.

You expect that the people closest to you will somehow just know without you
saying anything when they’ve done something to upset or offend you.
When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.
~Author Unknown
Establishing Boundaries is Your Responsibility
Personal boundaries provide you with the time and space you need to physically and
emotionally take care of yourself, and directly affect your self confidence and ability to
have happy, healthy relationships.
When you lack strong personal boundaries you risk undermining your integrity and selfrespect as well as the respect of those around you. Not surprisingly you also tend to
attract controlling, disrespectful, or needy people into your life.
If you have difficulty saying no, override your needs to please others, or are bothered by
someone who is demanding, controlling, criticizing, pushy, abusive, invasive, pleading,
or even smothering you with kindness, it is your responsibility to speak up.
Boundaries are learned. If yours weren’t valued as a child then you never had the
opportunity to learn what they were or how to establish your own, let alone that you
were entitled to have them. In some cases, boundary violations affect a child’s ability to
mature into an independent, responsible adult.
Like the sky opens after a rainy day we must open to ourselves.... Learn to love
yourself for who you are and open so the world can see you shine.
~James Poland
Learning to have healthy boundaries is an exciting adventure and an exercise in
personal freedom. It means becoming more self aware and clarifying what matters most
to you.
The journey is not always an easy one because it requires letting go of emotional
baggage and limiting beliefs in order to reach a place of self acceptance. But it also
means learning to treat yourself with respect and to appreciate you for the worthwhile
person that you really are so that the authentic happiness and love that you deserve
can become a reality.
***
Establishing Your Personal Boundaries
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop and
what you reinforce.
~Tony Gaskins
If this notion of personal boundaries is new to you, or if you haven’t yet completely
bought into their value, there is a very real possibility that an itch to move on may be
forming in the back of your mind at this point because the process of establishing
boundaries is starting to look suspiciously like a lot of work.
In the beginning of this book I promised that you would be able to immediately begin
taking steps to implement this strategy for long term happiness, and that is absolutely
the truth and this section will guide you to take those first steps. But I also said there
was a price, and that price was commitment.
It’s difficult if not impossible to commit to something you don’t fully understand or
believe in, but if you believe in nothing else believe in this - you have rights.

You have the right to your own thoughts, values and beliefs.

You have the right to tell anyone who is hurting, abusing or disrespecting you to
stop.

You have the right to love, respect and stand up for yourself.

You have the right to have relationships that feel good and are based on mutual
respect.

You have the right to accept yourself for who you are rather than the person
someone else wants you to be.

You have the right to continue growing and to reach for all the happiness and
fulfillment that life has to offer.
Areas Where Boundaries Apply
Before you begin the work to identify areas where you may need to establish or
strengthen boundaries let’s take a moment to review the areas where boundaries apply.
Material boundaries determine whether you give or lend things, such as your money,
car, clothes, books, or food.
Physical boundaries pertain to your personal space, privacy, and body. Do you give a
handshake or a hug – to whom and when? How do you feel about loud music, profanity,
nudity, and locked doors?
Mental boundaries apply to your thoughts, values, and opinions. Are you easily
suggestible? Do you know what you believe, and can you hold onto your opinions? Can
you listen with an open mind to someone else’s opinion without becoming rigid? If you
become highly emotional, argumentative, or defensive, you may have weak emotional
boundaries.
Emotional boundaries distinguish separating your emotions and responsibility for them
from someone else’s. It’s like an imaginary line or force field that separates you and
others.
Sexual boundaries protect your comfort level with sexual touch and activity – what,
where, when, and with whom.
Spiritual boundaries relate to your beliefs and experiences in connection with God or a
higher power.
Establishing Personal Boundaries Begins with Self Awareness
Identifying where you need more space, self-respect, energy or personal power is the
first step to begin creating your personal boundaries and that’s going to require an
honest self assessment.
Before you begin, I’m going to recommend two things:
1) At the very least you’ll want to use a notebook to answer the following questions,
but I’d like to suggest that if you don’t already use a journal that you consider
starting one now because it will be an invaluable tool for you to work through this
process.
2) Keep in mind that the intention here is not to overwhelm you with the notion that
your entire life needs to be shored up with boundaries - on the contrary. Most
people find there are certain areas in need of attention more than others, so your
job is to identify those areas and give them the attention they deserve.
Self-Assessment Questions
1. What are your most important values? Being clear about your values helps you
identify good compromises. Values are the core of your boundary strategy and what you
most need to honor.
2. What are your most important priorities? It is easier to say yes or no, when you
are honoring your most important priorities.
3. What is non-negotiable for you? Non-negotiable items are related to your values or
conditions in your life like your health. It could be family time, diet requirements
particularly if you are ill, or values related to doing harm to yourself or others.
4. What can you be somewhat flexible about? Scheduling issues typically fall in this
category. For example: “I can work between 7AM-6PM but have to leave no later than
6PM to pick up my children.”
5. What can you always be flexible about? The answer could include family
emergencies, activities that are important to a family member, where you jog, and
where you live.
6. How do you typically handle trade-offs? Do they usually work for you or not?
There is nothing wrong with making sacrifices, but if they are too frequent they can
leave you feeling resentful.
As you think about setting boundaries and making compromises, consider the totality of
your values, your limits in terms of time and energy and your desire and ability to
sacrifice. These are all important issues to understand. Getting a handle on them keeps
you from making commitments in a soft moment when your time will not really allow it,
causing you to neglect a more important priority.
Examples of Personal Boundary Statements
We’ve reviewed a few of your rights and signs of healthy and unhealthy personal
boundaries, so now let’s take a look at a few basic boundary statements to help guide
you through creating your own.

It is not acceptable to go through my personal belongings without my permission.

It is not acceptable to make a commitment on my behalf without first asking.

It is not acceptable for anyone to take their anger out on me.

It is not acceptable to humiliate me in front of others.

It is not acceptable to invade my personal space.

It is not acceptable to ignore my privacy.
Of course these statements are very general and meant to give you direction more than
to verbalize to someone else so let’s look at something more specific. For example a
boundary issue for you may be that because you work at home some people assume
you’re always available and repeatedly drop by without calling.
You could say politely that you love seeing them but are very busy with your work and
it’s difficult for you to focus when you have to stop in the middle of a project, and you
would really prefer that they call first in the future so that you can schedule a time that
would be mutually beneficial.
If you don't respect yourself, others won't either. Remember, the world sees what you put
out there, so hold yourself to a high standard of grace and elegance.
~Author Unknown
Accept That You Have the Authority to Set Boundaries
When you first begin to establish boundaries it is very easy to start second guessing
yourself about whether it’s really necessary to make such a “big deal” about the way
others treat you, experience discomfort at the notion of having to learn to say “no” to
people you care about, and even feel guilty that maybe you’re just being selfish.
So, listen up. You not only have the right, but the responsibility for how you allow others
to treat you. Your boundaries act as filters permitting what is acceptable in your life and
what is not. Set clear and decisive limits so that others will respect them, and then be
willing to do whatever it takes to enforce them.
There will naturally be occasions when someone genuinely needs your help and asks
with respect; and after all there's a big difference between firm and inflexible. You will
learn over time how to make the distinction between an acceptable request and one that
puts you in jeopardy of backsliding.
***
Communicating Your Personal Boundaries
The truth is it really isn’t difficult to identify areas where you need to strengthen or
establish boundaries. The REAL challenge is the fear of confrontation - of standing up
for ourselves and communicating our wants and needs to other people.
Here are a few basic guidelines:

State what you want or don’t want clearly and calmly. Avoid generalities, hinting,
anger or vague language.

You do not need to justify or apologize for your request.

Use confident body language (especially eye contact). Try to get your body
language to match the words you are saying.

Use “I” statements (“I want…” “I feel…” “I need…”) For example if you’re
uncomfortable with the highly personal nature of the questions someone is
asking you, calmly and politely tell them that you are uncomfortable talking about
(fill in the blank) and then redirect the conversation to something less personal.
Remember, you don’t need to justify yourself, simply state your request.

Don’t expect others to “mind read”, and don’t assume you know what others
mean if they haven’t said it.

Pay attention to your feelings. If you’re feeling uncomfortable, embarrassed or
nervous there’s a good chance someone has crossed the line. Identify the source
of your feelings and speak up.

If you have a hard time saying no, look for opportunities to practice.

Listen. Seek to understand what the other person is saying, just as you are
seeking to be understood.

Build a support team of people who respect your boundaries.

Know when to walk away (and know when to run) from a conversation if it turns
destructive, hostile, or abusive.
You don't have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It's
one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a
person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a
harmful way, they need to go.
~Danielle Koepke
The Challenge of Establishing Boundaries with Difficult People
We all have people in our lives that have personality types that clash with our own or
perhaps their behaviors, attitudes or belief systems make them difficult to be around.
These areas of conflict can be draining and it’s difficult to know how to manage them.
With consistent practice maintaining healthy boundaries is surprisingly easy when we
are with people who respect our boundaries. The challenge is to continue using these
skills with people who are “difficult” or with whom we frequently feel put down, silenced
or exhausted.
One thing to try and keep in mind is that “difficult” people are not usually intentionally
trying to be mean or disrespectful; they are often wounded. This perspective help will
help you come from a place of compassion when you set limits and boundaries to take
care of your own mental health and well-being.
Let’s take a look at specific types of difficult personality types to give you a better feel
for how to respond to, or remove these people from your life.
The Narcissist
Their motto is “Me first.” They have an arrogant sense of self-importance and
entitlement, hog attention, and crave admiration. If you don’t do things their way, they
become punishing, withholding, or cold.
Protect your emotions by keeping your expectations realistic. These are
emotionally limited people. Never make your self-worth dependent on them or confide
your deepest feelings to someone who won’t cherish them. Though it’s better not to
have to contend with their tedious need for ego stroking at all, if the relationship is
unavoidable the best way to communicate with them is to establish clear, firm
boundaries and then focus on how something will benefit them.
Earlier I used the example of how to address people who stop by your home without
calling. When communicating the request to call first before coming over to a narcissist
you might explain how important they are to you and that you want to be sure that
you’re available to fully enjoy your time with them. Okay, that may be laying it on a little
thick, but you get the idea.
The Victim
This person is extremely needy, and at every opportunity will regale you with stories of
how the world has repeatedly wronged him/her; about their many “accidents” and “bad
luck”; and they wallow in self-pity and misery. You often feel like the parent and
therapist to him/her.
Protect your emotions by setting firm limits. Of course there are times when each of
us has taken a turn feeling like a “victim” of life’s cruel jokes, but here we’re talking
about chronic behavior. Trying to get someone in perpetual victim mode to see the good
things in life is a no win game and will exhaust you. If you can’t remove them from your
life all together, then establish your boundaries in a positive way that will minimize your
time with them.
The Controller
These people obsessively try to control you and dictate what you’re supposed to think,
do and feel. They’ll control you by invalidating your emotions if they don’t fit into their
rulebook. They often start sentences with “You know what you need?” and then proceed
to tell you. You end up feeling dominated, demeaned, or put down.
Protect your emotions by never trying to control a controller. Be healthily assertive
and confident, and above all don’t play the victim or sweat the small stuff. Establish your
boundaries and whatever you do stand firm. There is guaranteed to be push back from
a controller, but if they care about you they will eventually get that you are serious.
The Criticizer
This person is highly critical, disapproving and judgmental. They often put others down
and easily point out your flaws. They feel more than qualified to judge you, belittle you,
and bolster their own ego by making you feel small and ashamed.
Protect your emotions by remaining detached and not taking what they say
personally. When the criticizer launches into a rant, first address any misplaced
criticism directly without becoming defensive. Let them know calmly that their behavior
is not acceptable to you.
If it continues then simply walk away if you can. The negative person is simply seeking
to get a reaction from you. That’s what they feed on. Don't let them catch you in their
web of negativity because as soon as you do, that’s when they start draining your
energy.
Drama Queen
The Drama Queen is great at getting attention and when they don’t get their way, they
create drama and outbursts believing that the intense emotion is a healthy connection.
They can also be passive-aggressive: seeking your approval and charming while they
have it, but aggressive and abusive when they don’t get it.
Protect your emotions by not reacting. By not engaging in the same dramatic energy
that is thrown at you will help deflect it. You have two choices with a Drama Queen; you
can calmly explain that their behavior is unacceptable and go on to address specific
actions you will no longer tolerate.
Or you could let them rant because if a drama queen isn't getting a rise out of you, they
will eventually move on to someone else who will.
Hopefully by now you know which choice I recommend!
In a perfect world we would be able to simply remove negative and toxic people from
our lives, but sometimes we don’t have that option, especially when it’s a relative or
employer.
If you have one of these people in your life, take some time to clearly identify the
specific behaviors you find unacceptable, write them down so you can practice
articulating them and then form your case to communicate the boundaries you need to
establish.
The first thing you need to learn is that the person who is angry at you for
setting boundaries is the one with the problem.
~Drs. Cloud and Townsend
Expect to Feel Uncomfortable
It’s perfectly normal to feel uncomfortable the first few times you communicate your new
boundary, particularly if you have tendency toward people pleasing. And you should
expect and plan for some push back, particularly when it comes to relatives and close
family members who may be used carte blanche when it comes to getting their way.
Again, this is normal so just keep reminding yourself that you are not responsible for the
other person’s reaction, only for communicating your request in a calm and respectful
manner. If they belong in your life, they will get used to your new boundaries over time.
In fact, you should be prepared for some people in your life to fall away as a result of
your new outlook and demand for respect. But these aren’t people you want in your life
anyway and in the process you will find you attract new, supportive, and healthy-minded
people in your life. Whatever you do, don’t compromise your values, integrity, and selfrespect simply to keep someone in your life. Your soul can’t sustain that.
Also expect that this process will take time and commitment on your part to consistently
reinforce your new boundaries. We’ll talk in the next section more about how to plan for
resistance and negativity, but your first priority at this point is to learn to become
comfortable with communicating and reinforcing your wants and needs.
***
Managing Boundaries
Establishing a new boundary really isn’t much different than establishing a new habit.
Most people know intuitively what needs to be done and why, it’s just that sometimes
we need a little extra nudge to take action.
And just as when you’re working to establish a new habit you need to create your
foundation by becoming clear about why you’re doing what you’re doing, the behaviors
that need to be changed or cultivated, and then create your strategy to implement your
plan.
Planning For Problem Situations
We all have difficult boundary situations. It may be bossy person, a passive person or
someone who has different values. Whatever the difficult challenges you face, you can
help yourself a lot if you plan ahead. Following are some planning considerations:
1. Identify the boundary situations that are most difficult for you.
2. Identify types of conflict that cause problems for you. For example: a passive
person might sigh or complain as a way to get your attention and take care of
their problems. If you give in to the pressure, you have taken on a problem that is
not really yours to solve. Sometimes we do not see boundary issues for what
they are because they come disguised as something else or because we like to
be helpful.
3. Learn to identify when you start to feel manipulated. Is it when someone is
unhappy or complaining? Is it when someone makes decisions for you? Or is it
when someone has expectations that have never been discussed or explicitly
agreed to? Does someone take your things without asking?
Be Patient, and Reward Supporters
Thank people who respect your boundaries. Acknowledging their support will motivate
them to continue their behavior. In fact one of the best ways you can thank others is to
make sure you’re doing your part to honor their boundaries, remembering respect flows
two ways.
If you have had weak personal boundaries for years it’s easy to get carried away after
your first couple of successes. Keep in mind that while you can begin to make positive
changes almost immediately, the process will take time for you to learn and for the
results to filter out to everyone in your sphere of influence.
One area we haven’t addressed here is any emotional baggage or limiting beliefs you
may be harboring that could undermine your efforts. This is an area you’ll want to
explore because the more firmly entrenched these beliefs may be the harder you may
have to work to believe in yourself and your value as a unique individual worth of love
and respect.
The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.
~Maureen Dowd
Believe You Deserve Better Than “Good Enough”
The moral imperative may be to choose happiness regardless of our circumstances, but
the lure of taking the path of least resistance makes it all too easy to cling to the
irrational belief that it’s acceptable to live a life that is simply “good enough”.
Even if our circumstances and relationships are not great there is a measure of security
dealing with the known rather than taking a risk on things changing for the worse; and
after all change is a difficult and fearful prospect.
Some people will honestly believe they don't have rights or deserve any better, their life
has always been a sacrifice of the self, and that this is as good as it's likely to get.
But when we make the choice to accept “good enough” we give up the chance to be the
person we were meant to be and to experience a sense of personal fulfillment in life.
A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and
insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out
"ENOUGH!" This moment is the turning point that leads to success and happiness.
~Sonny Carroll
About the Author
Inspiring you to embrace the power you have to create your own life experience …
Marquita Herald is a resilient living specialist, author, publisher, and creator of the
Emotionally Resilient Living website.
Her professional experience includes 20 years traveling the world on behalf of the
Hawaii tourism industry, followed by a decade as an award winning life and small
business coach.
Marquita makes her home in Maui, Hawaii and when not developing a new book or
training course, she can be found working on her website, locked in a battle of wills with
her dog Lucy, on a road trip or curled up with a good mystery and glass of her favorite
wine.
To connect with Marquita online:
Website: Emotionally Resilient Living
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/emotionallyresilientliving
Google Plus: https://google.com/+MarquitaHerald
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