HOW TO DEAL WITH PARENTS WHO ARE ANGRY, TROUBLED, AFRAID, OR JUST PLAIN CRAZY By: Elaine k. McEwan Presented at the 2012 EBS by: Sherry R. Williams SCDE, Education Associate II Division of Accountability Office of Student Intervention Services Janice Jolly Consultant Retired Professional School Counselor DISCUSSIONS: • Learn how to deal with “Close Encounters of the Parental Kind” • Critical Issues that cause misunderstandings • Strategies for defusing anger, fear, and the “crazies” • Problem solving processes • How to tell if your school is sick or well CHAPTER 1: WHY PARENTS ARE ANGRY, TROUBLED, AFRAID OR JUST PLAIN CRAZY • Seek first to understand, before you seek to be understood. - Stephen Covey • Managing a difficult person means first managing oneself. - Carol Tavris Parents and educators are responsible for blaming and hostility. • Parents’ anti-achievement ideology • Are teachers/faculty/administrators “accountable for fostering the kind of school climate where the dignity and worth of all individuals without regard to appearance, race, creed, sex, ability or disability, or social status”? • Educators’ perceptions of absentee parents who do not provide supervision or accountability for themselves or their children Who suffers? • The children WHAT PARENTS OF TODAY ARE LIKE: • Gone are the days of being respected for the position you hold – now you have to earn respect. • Today’s parents are less respectful of authority • you must build a rapport before problem solving • Parents are now more educated about schools and view schools as one more service to be “consumed” • “Parents now bring up “School Report Card Scores” • Parents Who Are Cynical and Distrustful • Institutions have shown they cannot be trusted • Sandusky trial • Parents Who Are Activists • In today’s schools be ready for parental involvement that goes beyond providing cupcakes and cookies for the annual bake sale. • Book bans • Sex ed • Personal agendas • Parents Who Are Increasingly Disengaged From the Public School • More parents are now homeschooling or sending their children to private school • Parents Who Are Feeling Stressed and Guilty • Some parents have a hard time finding time to spend with their children and want the school to pickup the slack • Dual career families need teachers who can handle their child’s problems • Parents see education as the answer to a better future for their children; and want a system that will prepare their children to be successful not deprive them due to out-of-control students, bad curriculum, bad teachers, etc. PARENT UPSET BY HOW TEACHER DEALS WITH BULLY • http://video.foxnews.com/v/1694208860001/ CHAPTER 2: STRATEGIES FOR DEFUSING PARENTS WHO ARE A/T/A/JPC • Just because a parent isn’t “losing it with you” doesn’t mean they are not angry. Some parents are more educated in how to present their feelings. • A parent who does not arrive in an Armani suit may have the same feelings as the parent who does. • Problems or potential problems for the child will bring out the worst in a parent • Understanding where a parent is “coming from” will help with communication and collaboration “Ways to Be” (not the same as “Things to Do”): Be trustworthy – you cannot make people trust you • Even though I don’t like what happened, I trust you and I know you are intelligent and caring. • Trust that takes years to build can be lost in a split second • Tell the truth in love • Confront people with care and respect • Build people up • Be punctual • Don’t gossip about others • Be thorough and conscientious • Don’t make promises you cannot keep • Always attack the problem – not the person • Do more than you promised • Apologize when you are wrong • Have integrity (More than telling the truth) • Consistency of behavior • Decisions come from values and beliefs • Not based on the 3 Ps: • Politics • Pressure • Power • Define your mission • Define “the truths you hold to be self-evident” • Do you value people or procedures? • Are decisions shared? • Accountability? THINGS TO DO: (HANDOUT) • Speak gently and say the right thing • Redirect (triangulation) • Lower the Boom lightly (the art of negative news) • Welcome constructive criticism • Don’t react (don’t act without thinking!) • Shake hands and welcome parents • Sit eye to eye and knee to knee • Listen • Open Your Mind (honest dialogue) • Consider cultural differences in communication • Keep calm; remain confident • Take your time (immediate solution?) • Establish time limits • Don’t tell them, show them • Apologize • • Get to the point (what is our goal today?) Don’t’ fight them; join them (invite them to problem solve) • Give options to parents (don’t’ back them into corners) • Empathize • Focus on problems, not personalities • Ask questions (surface misinformation) THINGS NOT TO DO: (HANDOUT) • Don’t interrupt • Don’t advise if they don’t ask • Don’t race to the next issue • Don’t try to persuade them they are wrong • Don’t focus on what cannot be changed • Don’t throw your own people under the bus • Don’t engage in silent combat (the stare down) • Don’t rehearse your answer while they are talking • Don’t lose empathy in being neutral • Don’t be a know-it-all • Don’t over-explain • Don’t get backed into a corner • Don’t settle for superficial resolution HOW TO DEAL WITH “REAL” CRAZY PEOPLE • Gather information to help you understand them • Know school board policy • Use the special skills of school social workers, counselors, psychologist • Look for signs that may need to be reported (abuse of children, illegal activity) • Keep notes about all experiences • Keep superiors informed • Consult with mental health professionals • Consult law enforcement • SRO attend meetings • Protect your school’s safety “Sometimes, in the midst of the harsh words and angry tempers, you will learn patience and forbearance. Often, while you’re enduring frustration and embarrassment, you will reach deep within and discover a gift for helping others to solve seemingly insoluble problems.” TEACHER THINKS PARENTS VANDALIZED HER CAR HTTP://WWW.YOUTUBE.COM/WATCH?V=RTVGJQJIF54 PARENT UPSET WITH HOW SCHOOL DID SEARCH OF HER CHILD • http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-third-grader-strip-searched,0,7844144.story CHAPTER 3: THE MOST COMMON SCHOOL PROBLEMS AND HOW TO SOLVE THEM • “No problem is so large or complex that it can’t be run away from.” • Charlie Brown • “The mere formulation of a problem is often far more essential than its solution.” • Albert Einstein KINDS OF PROBLEMS (EVERYBODY IS BETTER AT FINDING THEM THAN SOLVING THEM) • Problems identified by School Personnel • Problems identified by Parents • Problems identified by Students ANGRY PARENT ROLEPLAY • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UzGLditfDwE&feature=results_main&playnext=1&list=P L473DB3E325C24EEF 7 STEPS TO EFFECTIVE PROBLEM SOLVING • Gather the facts and define the problem • Identify reasons for the problem • Verify the most likely causes • Identify possible solutions • Develop and action/implementation plan • Implement the plan • Consensus, compromise, confrontation • Evaluate and fine-tune the plan • When to stay vs when to go CHAPTER 4: PROMOTING A HEALTHY SCHOOL: HOW TO TELL IF YOUR SCHOOL IS SICK OR WELL “Just as the presence of disease signals our body to begin the healing process, the awareness of disruption, distrust, anger, or frustration in an organization should cause its members to immediately mount an offensive against the unwelcome intruders… these invaders can come from without….or within.” FOR OUT OF CONTROL PARENTS TO DO ANY SERIOUS DAMAGE THEY JUST NEED YOU TO APPLAUD THEIR BEHAVIOR Secret operations Faultfinding and Blame Backyard Gossip Lies, half-truths, and slander Triangulation The Friendly Enemy THE DIRTY DOZEN SCHOOL SICKNESSES • Paralysis – you cannot get anything done, good ideas never go anywhere • Diarrhea – a constant flow of aggressive and abusive words and actions from parents, teachers, students, staff members and administrators • Chronic fatigue – everyone wants someone else to take care of the problem • Hypertension – everyone is uneasy, griping, complaining • Heart failure – a lack of empathy, understanding, and caring • Lockjaw – inability to talk to each other DIRTY DOZEN (CONT’D) • Circulatory collapse – no two-way communication • Muscle and tendon inflammation – intermittent bouts of aggressive and hostile interpersonal communication • Irritable bowel syndrome – chronic complaining and criticism, “It” is never enough • Calluses, corns and bunions – closed-mindedness and rigidity • Chicken pox – unwittingly infecting others • Malnutrition – hard to diagnosis and impossible to recognize; poor student achievement, low teacher morale and efficacy, and rampant parental dissatisfaction INDICATORS OF SCHOOL WELLNESS (HANDOUT) • Respect • Individual abilities, knowledge and experience of all staff members are fully used • High expectations • Students have advocates • open communication • • • Staff are open to say what they feel • Conflict is openly resolved and creates a feeling of respect • Staff members can express their views without fear of retaliation • Staff members can give and get help without concern for hidden agendas Principals • welcome openness • model appropriate human relation skills • develop and maintain high morale • collects and responds to concerns • acknowledges the earned achievements of others Everyone is committed to the vision and mission of the school RESOURCES • McEwan, Elaine K. How To Deal With Parents Who Are Angry, Troubled, Afraid, or Just Plain Crazy. Thousand Oaks, California: Corwin Press, Inc., 1998. Print. • Creating Connections with Parents, Jody Jobe ASCA website