Volume 6, Issue 2 The Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago October 23, 2009 Nobel’s Subz ‘n Pizza Gives Malia Obama Nobel Pizza Prize By Carl Wheeler Malia Obama, daughter of President Barack and First Lady Michelle Obama, was awarded the Nobel Pizza Prize Friday in recognition of her purchases of ten large pizzas in the preced- bel’s policy of “giving you free pizza when you buy a lot of them.” Ms. Obama has “totally loved” the downtown Washington sandwich and pizza eatery since moving with her family to the White House earlier this year., and that she is “ninety nine point nine nine nine percent” sure that she will have her next birthday party in the restaurant. Nobel’s came under almost immediate attack from some conservatives, who questioned whether Ms. Obama had done enough to earn the award. See Nobel, p3 Ted O’Neill Finally Off Waitlist at Yale As former President Bill Clintion warned, it was a 3:00 AM late late-night delivery that brought Malia news of her award ing year. The announcement came at noon local time, and took the form of a photocopied certificate signed by owner Toby Nobel. In a press conference, Ms. Obama said that she knew the prize was “obviously” going to be hers, citing No- This Issue Alone in the Night . . . . . . . . . . . . p2 Um . . . Um . . . Crap! . . . . . . . . . . .p3 Death and Taxes on Nicotine . . . . p4 Obama Withdrawl . . . . . . . . . . . . . p5 Yes, An Actual Dick Joke . . . . . . . .p6 In Soviet Russia, Granny Pulls plug on YOU!!!!!!! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p7 WALK SIGN . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .p8 By Ricky Zacharias Ted O’Neill, famed Dean of Admissions for the College for two decades, has finally gotten off the waitlist at Yale University, the Office of Undergraduate Admissions said y e s te r d a y O’Neill, smiling at your in a press recontinued, pathetic existence lease. “We mourn his loss dearly,” it went on to say, “but we understand all too well that Yale is what he’s always wanted.” Dean of Undergraduate Admissions at Yale Jeffery Brenzel confirmed O’Neill’s appointment to the post of “Junior Admissions Officer,” and noted that he would cover applicants to the college from Hawaii, New Mexico, and most of non-Australia Oceania. When reached for an interview, O’Neill said through fits and shouts of excitement that he needed to figure out what to pack and that he would get back to us after joining the “Yale 2014” group on Facebook. In a hurried interview conducted while walking from Rosenwald Hall to the bookstore, O’Neill mentioned that he had never much liked UChicago. “Quirkiness is something,” he declared, “but it simply is not good enough. I want prestige. Do you have any idea how often I’ve gotten applications for [expletive] UIC?” O’Neill stated that his departure was not connected to the recent change in Admissions policy as the school moved to the Common Application. “If I only let in dorks, hipsters, and a smattering of international and athletic students for twenty years, how long will it take before they realize that no one [expletive] cares that you’re a pogo-stick champion or created an algorithm to predict panda deaths. Now, the children of government officials and aristocracy… that I can get along with.” When approached for comment on their controversial new hire, officials from Yale said only, “We appreciate Mr. O’Neill’s extreme patience these twenty years. Luckily, one of our admissions officers decided to go to Harvard, so we had a spot.” Volume 6, Issue 2 The Shady Dealer: Free of charge, things your mother approves Page 2 Please Wear your Rape Whistle While Reading This Page The Chicago Shady Dealer Crescat Rumor, Vitia Excolantur Sauron Aaron Horton Witch King Katharine Bierce Sauruman Aash Viswanathan Gollum/Smeagol Tommy Cook Lars Alison Howard Orcs Carl Wheeler Josh Nalven Mae Rice Edwin Sweeney Leland Zhi Meetings Sundays, 7PM @Harper 145 Website: http://shadydealer.uchicago.edu Listhost: lists.uchicago.edu/web/info/shadydealer Submissions: [email protected] Disclaimer If you are offended, shocked, or otherwise provoked to hunt us down like a delusional maniac, please take a deep breath—that’s right, don’t be shy—and count to ten. Maybe think about some animals or something. Puppies always work for us. Meta-Disclaimer We’re real sorry about that last disclaimer. It came off as a little snarky, plus we called you a maniac. Who does that? It was in poor taste, and we’re sorry. Meta-Meta-Disclaimer Though don’t get us wrong. That last disclaimer was just an apology for the tone of the first, not a retraction. Please understand: We don’t give a fuck. UCPD Announces It Will Shut Off Emergency Lights on Halloween By Etan Heller Hyde Park - The University of Chicago Police Department announced yesterday that it plans on shutting down all Emergency Blue Light installations on campus on October 31st, the night of Halloween. UCPD Chief Marlon Lynch said the decision is part of the Department’s new initiative to “get into the spirit of the holiday more than we have in past years.” Chief Lynch went on to say, “You know, we’ve spent a bunch of time thinking about it, and we realized that our normal efforts to keep the student body safe are contrary to what Halloween is all about. Are you getting the real Halloween experience if you can press that stupid button every time you get a little scared?” Lynch also stressed that officers will still be on duty at the UCPD station- to give out candy. “I’m encouraging the officers on duty that night not to leave the UCPD station under any circumstances,” explained Lynch. “Because, you know, what if some trick-or-treaters come and they’re not there to answer the door? It would be a travesty of justice.” Ruling: Google Maps Gives Dangerous Directions By David Mcdiarmid Celebrations broke out across the University of Chicago campus on Thursday after the judge ruled in favor of Chicago RSO Students against Deceptively Dangerous Directions. In SADDD’s class-action lawsuit against Google Inc., the court found that Google’s mapping service guided countless new and prospective U of C students into “harm’s way, also known as The South Side” The judge ordered Google to divide forty million dollars in damages between 127 victims and further ruled that the Internet giant must henceforth prominently watermark its maps with skulls and crossbones. “Justice was done today,” said Sally Higgins, founder and president of SADDD. Google can deny responsibility all it wants, but its trendy little map program has caused more deaths and injuries than Charles Manson, tornados, and anthrax combined.” Evidence presented during the trial established that the popular search engine, when asked to find the quickest public transportation route to most addresses on campus, directs its users to ride the CTA’s green line to 63rd and Cottage Grove—a locale described by one dissatisfied customer as “a hellscape beyond anything Dante ever imagined.” According to SADDD, in the course of the five block walk from this station to campus, 64% of unwitting firsttime visitors are mugged, 31% severely beaten, and 7% mowed down in a hail of gunfire. 100% report psychologically traumatic feelings of unease. “You think of Google maps as dependable,” testified one of SADDD’s 26 tearful, bullet-ridden witnesses. “They’re well-designed, attractively laid out, easy to use. The top of the page is always north. I… I trusted them.” Unfortunately for Google, its main character witness, a South Side resident and Green Line station regular named Dwight “Suckerpunch” Jones, proved unsympathetic. YOU . . . SHALL NOT . . . READ THIS DURING YOUR HUM DISCUSSION! Volume 6, Issue 2 Page 3 How We Avoid Real Writing, Exibit 453.5A I Forgot What I was Going to Write About! Student Convinced Professor is Really Sacha Baron Cohen By Leland Zhi Professor Stern’s Jewish History and Society class became much more Nobel, from p1 FOX News host Glenn Beck told viewers that “This is some grade-A BS. That’s what it is...she only bought eight pizzas. The other two were pizza subs – and I’m sorry, my friends, I mean listen, a pizza sub is not a pizza. Not in America.” Conservative activist and lawyer Orly Taitz questioned the legitimacy of the award, saying on her website that “We don’t By Patricia Lincoln Oh frick! I just forgot what I was going to write about. Gosh darn it. I just wrote the title—and now I completely forgot what I was going to write. I can’t believe this. Fiddlesticks! How could I just forget? I was sitting down to write a paper, and now I don’t know what I’m writing anymore. Dang nabbit. I never thought this would happen to me. Not me—good-doing, God fearing, kosher-eating me. I tutor abandoned kittens on the weekend. I eat all my vegetables—even tomatoes, even though they’re a fruit. I do everything right, yet I can’t remember what I was writing about. Jiminy Christmas! Maybe if I think really hard, just close my eyes really tight and think really hard, I can remember. Um…let’s see… fudge nuts! Wait, nuts…food…I think it was something about meatballs. No wait—my Grandpa Charlie! No wait… oh, son of a biscuit-eating bulldog—I can’t remember! Jeez Louise. Oh, I remember! It was about Grandpa Charlie’s meatballs. No, that doesn’t sound right. Good golly miss Molly! This is ridiculous. This is blasphemy! This can’t be happening. Oh, I wrote the title already! Maybe that will help me remember what I was going to write about…What the flibbergibbit?! What the fire truck does that mean? What was a I thinking?! I have no feather-plucking idea what I was going to write about. Shittake mushrooms! Maybe if I do some brain exercises I’ll remember. Or stand on my head. Or eat platypus fat. I heard it makes your memory better. Maybe I can get a hypnotist to hypnotize me and then go back into my memory. Maybe I can build a time machine and go back in time and then I’ll know what I was going to write. Great balls of the saints I can’t believe I can’t remember! Maybe if I…Oh fuck it. interesting last week when second-year Todd Mazer realized that his professor may, in fact, be British comedian-actor Sacha Baron Cohen. “Initially, I thought I was in one of your run-of-the-mill Jewish Studies classes,” explained Mazer to reporters. “But there was something about the look of the professor—the way his suits were too big, the funny accent he had, the many questions he asked. It just didn’t feel right. “And then it hit me,” said Mazer, asking for a high five in a weak imitation of Borat. Although absolutely certain that his suspicions were correct, Mazer nonetheless had a hard time gathering any evidence to support his claim. “I started with the facts. I knew my professor was white, like Cohen....but that was about it.” Analysis of his professor’s nose and facial structure was fruitless, since the only place he could look without being noticed was from his lecture hall seat all the way in the back. Several eyewitnesses report seeing Mazer get up and make for the door in the middle of Friday’s lecture, apparently to go to the bathroom, when suddenly he sprinted towards the proSee Professor, p5 know she even bought those pizzas. We have no proof - why can’t Malia Obama produce a receipt?” First Lady Michelle Obama announced that she will take her daughter to the 14th and K Street Nobel’s franchise within the next few weeks to accept the award. Malia will not prepare anacceptance speech. Ms. Obama has not decided on which pizza she wants as her reward, but political analysts agree that one thing is certain - it won’t have onions on it, because they are “so disgusting and gross.” In related news, The White House announced yesterday that Malia’s younger sister, Sasha, had been awarded the 2009 Alfred Nobel Memorial Prize in Chemistry for her pioneering work on chirally catalyzed hydrogenation surface reactions. Using the Shady Dealer as a tissue will stop swine flu, but give you cancer Volume 6, Issue 2 Page 4 Give Me Liberty, or Give Me Lung Cancer! These Tobacco Prices are Making it Impossible for Me to Kill Myself By Byron Jones Have you been in the convenience s t o r e lately? I have never in my life seen cigarette prices so high. Seven Dol- University Continues Work on “Mansueto Hole to China” By Keith Jamieson CHICAGO, IL – The University of Chicago announced another milestone in its long-awaited Joe and Rika Mansueto Hole to China. On Wednesday, the U of C News Office informed the press that it had successfully passed through the Earth’s crust and reached the upper mantle. According to Roger White, head contractor, “At current pace, our drills should reach the viscous portion of the mantle within a few months. After that, it’s a mere matter of getting the machines through the liquid outer core before we can begin ascending toward the Chinese antipode.” lars for a pack? Are you kidding me? I’ve been smoking since I was fifteen, but these exorbitant fees might just drive me to quit. This is an outrage! We have to find a way to bring these prices down, because Byron Jones only wants one thing: to kill himself slowly, inevitably, and affordably. Is that too much to ask? I know what you’re going to say, because I hear it every day. “Byron, if cigarettes are so expensive, why don’t you quit?” And if I listened to every Tom, Dick, and Surgeon General yapping in my ear, I might just. Fortunately for me, I make my own decisions! Will a child born today ever know what it feels like to inch himself ever closer to the grave with every puff ? To work every day on something he loves? I bet these kids would just take the easy way out and jump off a cliff. But Byron Jones has never taken the easy way out, and he never will. My grandfather died of lung cancer, my father died of lung cancer, and you can bet that I’m not going to be the weak link in that chain. Back in their day, you could have an entire pack of cigarettes for fifty cents! You could destroy a healthy body for pennies on the dollar, compared to today. Luckily, we have fast food and terrible health care to help balance the scales, but it’s still no comparison. Tobacco companies are conspiring with the government to stop us from reaching the sweet release of death. Hell, if it wasn’t for this price hike, I’d probably be dead already! With all the backlash that’s been targeted at cigarettes the past couple decades, politicians think that taxing Byron’s slow-motion suicide is an easy way to make a buck. They raised the price of tobacco so high, I’ve had to cut down to two packs a day! I’m breathing easier, I have more physical endurance, I’ve never been healthier. This is unacceptable! When are the Washington big-wigs going to understand that giving ourselves inoperable lung cancer is one of our inalienable rights as American citizens? Our only recourse is to make ourselves known at the ballot box. If we’re still alive, that is. The China Portal is the most recent example of a long history of innerEarth construction projects undertaken by the University of Chicago. Founded in 1892 by John D. Rockefeller with a mandate to find Atlantis, the University suffered an existential crisis in 1923 when it was discovered that Atlantis did not exist.In the years since, the University has become a leader in the large-construction field, with efforts that include the Los Angeles – Singapore Bridge, the Mexican International Space Station, and Mount Everest. “I guess it would improve the quality of the Chinese food around here,” says first-year Jon Lee. “Especially those lukewarm Chinese buns. Then again, on the other hand I’m already paying $50,000 in tuition, and they’re really behind on the space elevator.” Critics of the project point to the failure of the university’s last attempt to dig a China Portal, which accidentally opened a hotspot in the Earth’s mantle and necessitated the 2001 creation of the Max Palevsky Geothermal Con- tainment Center. And some conspiracy theorists on campus deny that the hole is even intended to be used as a tunnel, instead claiming that it is a massive satellite dish intended for communication with alien life, an attempt to destroy the Earth with red matter, or, in one of the more ludicrous theories, an underground library where books will be fetched from subterranean stacks by robots. Poe-Themed Frat Party Goes Horribly Wrong By Aaron Horton PSI UPSILON- In what has been considered the biggest party-theme related disaster since the infamous “Straight Thuggin’” party of 2005, University fraternity Psi Upsilon hosted a party based on the poems and short stories of horSee Poe, p8 Is naming a Frat Delta Epsilon the limit of all math puns? Volume 6, Issue 2 Page 5 Obama Girl’s Got Nothing on Our Pinning! Obama has yet to Return U of C’s Phone Calls Obama in July 2008, to tell him he forgot a toothbrush, some mouthwash, and a pair of socks on campus. He said that he would “stop by” the next time he was in Chicago. After a few weeks, the University called him again, leaving a voicemail. He has yet to pick up his possessions or By Sam Spiegel It has been nearly one year since Barack Obama was elected president of the United States, and longer still since he began his campaign. However, according to internal memos, he still has not returned any of the University of Chicago’s calls, texts, or Facebook posts. In a recent press conference, University President Zimmer explained that “[The University is] confident that Barack has not forgotten about us now that he is an international superstar. We shared a special relationship” According to administration sources, The University last spoke to Professor, from p3 fessor and began to try and pull off what he believed was a wig. This event, along with the tackling and subduing of Mazer by several classmates, were all caught on a hidden camera Mazer had planted in his bag with the intent of posting the video on Youtube. As of now, the video has over 500,000 hits. Cohen himself was not available for comment. Chicago Loses Bid for 2016 Special Olympics By Etan Heller COPENHAGEN, Denmark In a shocking upset, Chicago was eliminated in the first round of voting yesterday in the competition to host the 2016 Special Olympics, the international athletic competition for the handicapped The only evidence of Barack’s existence at the U of C return that phone call. When asked if he thought it was and disabled. The campaign for the selection of the city has been going on for months, costing millions of dollars in advertisements, urban renewal projects, and “anonymous” donations to the members of the Committee for the Selection of a Special City. President Obama was also enlisted in a last-minute attempt to try to win the Games for the city. However, many who were interviewed complained that his speech on national television supporting the city for selection had “too many long words.” Other respondents were distracted by the shiny flag pole in the background. Still more interviewees expressed interest in McDonald’s for dinner. When asked for a comment on the Windy City’s disappointment as a contender for the games, Mayor Daley exclaimed, “This is a terrible shock. I mean, first the real Olympics and now this? The Special Olympics committee members must have been retarded to allow this to happen.” too soon to call Obama again, Dean John Boyer replied, “He’s a really busy guy. I’m sure he’s gonna call us back. We’ve been really busy too - we prolly just missed his call or somethin’, right? Do you think he lost our number? Should we call him to make sure he has our number?” In addition to the voicemail, the University, i.e. Robert Zimmer, also sent Obama a text message last fall, which he also did not respond to. President Zimmer refused to comment on this, but according to an inside source, the text read, “I just saw a Pepsi ad and thought of you lol.” Sheila Newman, author of Relationships and You: So You Think You Can Make Him a Better Man, also commented on the situation the University has with Obama. “UChicago is just acting too needy. It’s a turn-off. She has to act confident with an air of ‘If you don’t want me, I don’t want you.’” The University plans on waiting another week to see if he’ll call. After that, experts predict that they will send another envelope to the White House with a lock of grass from the Quads. Thank Your EqualOppertunity Act! Dealer Exclusive! “My Face is up Here” T-Shirt– IN BRAILLE! Volume 6, Issue 2 It’s a bird . . . It’s a plane . . . It’s Balloon Boy! And Dick Cheney shot him down! Page 6 South Campus: The Central African Republic of UChicago Doc Films Launches Late Night “Cock Films” Series By Stephen Lurie David Levari of Doc Films announced Sunday that Doc would step in to uncharted territory by opening a new branch of films every night after midnight: Cock Films. According to the announcement, viewers will be able to “experience an opening night ménage-atrois of hot flicks on Friday night at Max Palevsky Cinema.” There is already quite a buzz around the new subject matter from the stalwart campus moviegoers. Ever-hopeful second-year Jonathan Davis remarks, “Maybe this way my roommate won’t masturbate on the top bunk as much.” As of yet, the University administration has not responded. However, an inside source told The Shady Dealer that at least four faculty members have bought Cock Films season passes, also known as Dick Tix, as of the new announcement citing “sociological studies” as a main motive. Offerings for the first series include Hard Core Bio, Invisible Hands, and I Tested in to Honors Analysis, Will You Sleep With Me? In typical U of C fashion, Cock Films will include a post-show discussion with Arnold Davidson, a premier scholar on Foucault and the History of Sexuality. Next Issue: Mysterious Serial Tree Tipper Exposed! ! Enigmatic Billionaire Russel South Visits Eponymous South Campus By DJ LoBraico The University hosted the muchanticipated grand opening of the new South Campus Residence Hall this past weekend, offering tours of the complex as well as the free food and refreshments compulsory in any attempt to lure people across the Midway. In a pleasant and previously unannounced turn of events, attendees were finally able to hear from and meet the mysterious Russell H. South, the extremely wealthy but extremely modest benefactor of the new building. Speaking of his namesake during the ceremony, South said he was exceedingly satisfied to with the way the dormitory came out and that he “really enjoyed the violent clash of the modernist design [of the new dorm] with the traditional Neo-Gothic design of most of the University’s other buildings.” Immediately after the ceremony was concluded, just over eight hundred very cold and very tired students rushed into the building, more than ready to move in after spending over three weeks sleeping on sidewalks and park benches in the Woodlawn/Midway neighborhood. The verdict is still out on what the new residents were most looking forward to after what the University has termed their “month-long research study into rugged individualism and the twenty-first century welfare state.” Some, like Ron Calway, were eagerly anticipating a drink of water. His voice barely intelligible due to severe dehydration, Calway appeared to mouth “Please, I’m thirsty, what floor is the nearest water fountain on?” through an interpreter. Others awaited a hearty Aramarkprepared meal. One student was heard begging Dean Boyer to open the dining hall before next weekend’s dining hall grand opening. Boyer, nibbling on a complimentary brownie, had no comment at press time. Volume 6, Issue 2 The Shady Dealer is legal tender if marinated in the sweat of lawyers Page 7 Have a Cookie. No, Have Two. EAT, DAMMIT, SWEETIE! Your Grandma Becomes Head of Campus D i n i n g : “A l l You Care to Eat” Becomes “All You Should Eat.” you care to eat” dining policy to “all you should eat.” Students eating in the dining halls will now be required to eat as much By Danya R. Lagos BARTLETT – As the academic year began, your grandmother was appointed head of Campus Dining at the University of Chicago. Her first move was to change the new universal “all Mysterious Transfer Student Defeats Entire Karate RSO “Do you feel full. Well, do ya, punk? as humanly possible at every meal. cowardly as to cringe before the Student Activities Director.” “Each one of us stood ready to defend the honor of the club from this brazen lout,” said the spokesman. “One by one, all, even Winston-sensei, were By David Ramsey An unidentified member of the Shotokan Karate Club has confirmed rumors that every single member of the club was defeated last Wednesday by 3rd year transfer student Tyler “Swooping Eagle” Jenkins. According to the spokesman, Jenkins was witnessed by vice president Kyrie Felio taking down Shotokan Karate fliers in the Reynolds Club. When confronted, he replied that the fliers would be returned on the condition that any member of the club “defeat [him] in honorable combat, lest [they] be dogs so Tyler, captured on film during a SOSC discussion section brought to their inees. How dare he call such display ‘honorable combat’? Even the white belts he struck down mercilessly. For what purpose, I ask you? What sort of demon is this Swooping Eagle?” “When my grandbaby came here to the University in his first year, when he came back for Thanksgiving he was so, so, skinny!” remarked your grandmother with a look of bewilderment in her eyes. “He looked like he could fall over any minute. That is when I decided to apply to head Campus Dining, so that he would never have to worry about food again!” Your grandmother has hired a staff of over one hundred seventy year old women to stand at the side of each table and make sure that students eat to the point of satiety. Additional responsibilities will include walking around with a casserole dish to fill plates once they are one third finished, cleaning students’ faces with spit-covered thumbs, and of course, making sure to ladle a hearty serving of guilt with each meal. According to her press release, your grandmother will be continuing the long-standing Campus Dining tradition of letting you have cookies and ice cream, even if your parents didn’t say it was okay. After the Jujitsu and Hwa Rang Do clubs, this marks the third martial arts RSO to be so defeated by Jenkins. The reaction among the UChicago martial arts community has been intense, with five oaths of revenge and three seppuku attempts reported as of press time. Said David Mahoney of the Hwa Rang Do club, “I shamefully admit that I had been detained from the meeting due to my sworn duties as a residential assistant. When at last I arrived, I found them all standing about in a daze, mere shadows of the men and women they once were. Does this Swooping Eagle think he has won yet? Even if I am the only one left, the Hwa Rang Do Club will stand tall and proud until every last one of us is brought to the ground.” When questioned, Jenkins said that he planned next to challenge the Traditional Karate Club. “I hear they have an old man as their master. How tough could he be?” Volume 6, Issue 2 You’ve actually read the last page. What does that say about your failure as a person? Page 8 Point-Counterpoint Point Counterpoint WALK SIGN, LAKE PARK WALK SIGN, 55TH STREET By Lake Park Walk Sign Think not that I fail to see you standing – nay, trembling – beneath the Metra tracks, dear friend. Traffic, whizzing by before and beside you, strikes a terror in your heart! And above, the steady dripping of some unGodly liquid renders a steady pat-pat on your once-dry head. Not to mention there are probably rats. But cower no more in terror, let not the splashing of gutter-water deter your progress. Listen, instead, to the dolcet sounds of my voice: Walk Sign, Lake Park. How warmly do I recognize the gleam of desire in your face, the heavy longing to set foot inside of Walgreens after blocks of icy trekking! Again, I implore you, to hear my words: Walk Sign, Lake Park. How it breaks my tender heart to see you hesitate, looking both ways up and down the street, as though I would entreat to steer you into danger. Have faith! No leftward-turning late-comer to the intersection will I allow to upset your gentle step. If you doubt my words, feel free to judge them against the traffic signals, if you must. But if in you there is left even a kernel of belief, then I will say it once again: Walk Sign, Lake Park. Walk Sign, Lake Park. Walk Sign, Lake Park. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ALMIGHTY! SO HELP ME GOD, IF YOU DO NOT GET OVER HERE BEFORE THOSE FLASHING SECONDS GET DOWN TO ZERO, YOU ARE SERIOUSLY DONE FOR. I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR YOUR HORSE SHIT TODAY. WALK SIGN – LAKE PARK!! Ah, there you go. See how easy that was? From Poe, p4 ror author Edgar Allan Poe last weekend. The party, which featured one full unkindness of ravens and two beating hearts underneath the fraternity floorboards, was well attended, but not well reviewed. “I’d never read any of Poe’s work,” remarked Simon By Fifty-Fifth Street Walk Sign Girl, let me unload some truth on you. I want you to know I been studyin’ you for hours across this fine avenue. I just want a chance to get to know you, know what I mean? I want a shot at that fine set of legs making its fine way over to this pole I’m stuck on. If you take my meaning. If you take. My. Meaning. I got nothin’ else in this world but the sight of your glorious thighs making their way down the block. I try to say something. I try to say, girl, “Why don’t you stick around?” or “Hey baby, what’s your sign?” or “If I told you that you had a beautiful body, could you hold it against me?” But every damn time I try, all I can say is “WALK SIGN, FIFTY FIFTH STREET.” I guess I’m nervous. I spend a lot of time by myself or with crazy homeless people or high kids getting munchies at Walgreens, know what I mean. Sometimes I wonder myself what exists across that goddam beautiful boulevard. Sometimes I get so excited thinking about it that I start to — WALK SIGN, FIFTY FIFTH STREET. See, there you go. Girl, take pity, baby. I got a speech impediment. All I can fucking say is “WALK SIGN, FIFTY FIFTH STREET.” But I plead the FIFTY FIFTH’, when it comes to staring at your goddamn gorgeous face, like DAMN, I lose it. But here I am. Stuck in my god-damn shell. Baby, I know you hear me but I don’t know if you’re actually ever gonna notice me. But GOD-DAMN! You blind girls are hot. Cutler, a first year in the college. “But since I went to that party, I’ve been thinking of nothing but the slow, inevitable march of death towards us all.” According to eyewitness reports, the party came to an abrupt end when the frat house came crashing down unexpectedly. Since the party’s end, 67% of attendees have reported symptoms of tuberculosis. The fraternity president could not be reached for comment, as he had been walled into a wine cellar by a political rival.