Social Skills = Life Skills Social skills are a group of skills which people need to interact and communicate with others. They are arguably the most important set of abilities a person can have. Human beings are social animals, and a lack of good social skills can lead to a lonely life, contributing to anxiety and depression. Having good social skills helps children to interact well with their teachers and peers at school, both in and outside of the classroom. Imagine what it might be like for an individual, sitting in a classroom who is unable to listen to or fully understand the nuances of communication (i.e. subtle remarks, facial or hand gestures). This leads one to ask further, how well do people listen? Do they make eye contact? Are they comfortable and confident in social situations? For both children and adults at school, mastering and using social skills is vital. In school, children need good social skills for the following: - Friendship making - Understanding and expressing emotions constructively - Attention and listening - Accepting responsibility - Developing assertiveness and a good self-concept - Using effective problem-solving strategies - Working cooperatively - Dealing with teasing, bullying and victimization The development of social skills is an ongoing process. However, these skills can be taught. You can help your children by giving them the following advice: 1) Focus on staying relaxed: Regardless of how skillful you are in social situations, if you are too anxious, your brain is functioning in way unsuited to speaking and listening. In addition, if your body and face give the unconscious message that you are nervous, it will be more difficult to build relationships with others. 2) Concentrate on listening to others when they are talking, and let others know you are listening to them by: • • • • Making 'I'm listening' noises - 'Uh-huh', 'really?', 'oh yes?' etc. Feeding back what you've heard - "So he went to the dentist? What happened?" Referring back to others' comments later on - "You know how you were saying earlier…" Being physically still, making eye contact and being attentive while the other person is talking. 3) Focus on developing empathy with and interest in others' situations: A major part of social anxiety is self consciousness, which is greatly alleviated by focusing strongly on someone else. A fascination (even if forced at first) with another's conversation not only increases your comfort levels, it makes them feel interesting. 4) Build rapport with others: Rapport is a state of understanding or connection that occurs in a good social interaction. It says basically "I am like you, we understand each other". Rapport occurs on an unconscious level, but it can be encouraged by: • • • Body posture 'mirroring', or movement 'matching' the other person. Reflecting back language and speech, including rate, volume, tone, and words. Feeding back what you have heard, as in 2) above. 5) Know how, when and how much to talk about yourself: Talking about yourself too much and too early can be a major turn-off for the other person in conversation. Good initial small-talk is often characterised by discussion of subjects not personal to either party, or by an exchanging of personal views in a balanced way. However, as conversations and relationships progress, disclosing personal facts (small, non-emotional ones first!) leads to a feeling of getting to know each other. 6) Make appropriate eye contact: Eye contact rules vary between cultures, but in general, if you don't look at someone when you are talking or listening to them, they will get the idea that: • • • You are ignoring them You are untrustworthy You don't like the look of them! This doesn't mean you have to stare at them. In fact, staring at someone while talking to them can give them the feeling you are angry with them. Give your children plenty of opportunities to interact with other children, so that they can learn from each other, and encourage them to talk about what they have learnt with you. As the social psychologist Zick Rubin puts it, “Children, then, acquire social skills not so much from adults as from their interactions with one another. They are likely to discover through trial and error which strategies work and which do not, and later to reflect consciously on what they have learned.”