THE TYPO Fr iday, Marc h 27, 2015 Notice today is near April Fool’s. You guessed it. It’s the joke issue. Seriously, calm down. The Augsburg College Student Nudespaper BREAKING: President Pribbenow only wears clip-on bow ties Jens Pinther, Smug Bastard President Paul Pribbenow (PPP) cannot tie a bow tie to save his life according to Leif Anderson, Chief Information Officer. “I work with him a lot, as you can guess,” Anderson said, “and I just felt the community should know—Pribbenow can’t tie a bow tie, and everything you know is a lie.” There had been plans for Bill Nye the Science Guy and PPP to have a bow-tie-tying contest when Nye was visiting campus over Valentine’s Day weekend, but PPP abruptly canceled the event. “I had heard he was weeping over the model of the CSBR in Oren Gateway as he often does, but maybe he just didn’t want to confess he only wears clip-on ties,” said a close source who wished to remain anonymous. Not everyone on campus is distraught and confused, however. “I felt a tension—a rivalry—my whole tenure at Augsburg, and now I know I’ve won,” said the everhandsome Jens Pinther, founder of #BowTieTuesday, who by the way has great hair and sensitive poet brown eyes. “You think you know someone,” said Abigail Pribbenow, “and then you realize things...aren’t always as they seem.” PPP is expected to formally declare an indefinite leave of absence early next week, with much protest from the Board of Regents. “We are wealthy and don’t represent the Augsburg student body!” the entirety of the Board of Regents added, in unison. When approached for comment, PPP was humble and apologetic. “It all happened so fast,” PPP said. “I want to apologize to this campus. I have not been living out my vocation, and you deserve better. While I am on my leave, I will watch Jens’ bow tie-tying tutorial on YouTube as many times as it takes for me to learn—once and for all—how to tie a bow you all deserve.” When asked if he is mad at Anderson for exposing his secrets, PPP was quick to say no. “We need whistleblowers like Anderson,” PPP said. “And although that information was Top Secret, we need to hold our administration responsible. He’s like the Snowden or Ellsberg of our campus, and we should celebrate him, or outcast him to Russia—either way is fine by me tbh.” With over 1.2 million impressions on Twitter so far, the hashtag #PPPcanNOTknot has been exploding on social media. The scandal has even been tweeted about by Bill Nye (@thescienceguy) himself. The tweet read, “It’s probably the Lutheran background. A scientist would have tested that shit. #PPPcanNOTknot.” Bob Groven to be replaced by…Bob Groven? an exposé on ‘Grovengate’ Abby Tetzlaff, Staff Writer Last week Bob Groven formally announced that he was stepping down from his position as Honors Program Director at the end of this year. If you’ve seen “The Big Show,” which occurs once a year (thankfully) during Honors Weekend, you know Groven. He’s the one pretending to be Conan O'Brien, or for those fortunate enough to see this year’s performance, Stephen Colbert in an imitation of “The Colbert Report.” Of course, Prof. Groven will still teach honors and communication courses about the campus (he just won’t leave that easily), but his chosen successor in the honorable position of the Honors Director is quite the quandary. It seems that Groven, in some form of egotistical confusion, chose himself as his own successor. Groven elected a fictional first year named “Andrew Jewell” as the next Honors director. From first-hand glances at the paperwork, “Andrew” seemed very real. A stellar GPA, an Honors student (of course), and all the qualifications that are required for the job (few). Interviewers commented that the there was an uncanny resemblance between this “Andrew,” and the professor. Even his personality and mannerisms were similar, if not the identical to those of Groven’s. This leaves the question: What exactly does Groven think he’s doing? Theorists about the Augsburg campus state that “Andrew Jewell” is his true legal name. Some say he is the victim of identity theft. Others suggest that “Andrew” is Groven’s identical good twin who has finally gotten his slightly older, yet more malignant brother under control. Administrators and PPP refused to comment when asked about this strange phenomenon, setting themselves apart from the operations of the Honor’s program. So what is next for Augsburg’s Honors program? Some speculate that this incident shows Groven’s first eleven years as Honors Program Director were only just the beginning of his reign. Within the program in the next few years under the gaze of “Andrew,” it is predicted that students will see formal decrees being sent out, and maybe even a five-year plan (or two). These decrees will require more residency requirements, boosting the honor’s class load from 7 upwards to around 1012. If “Andrew’s” power goes on too long unchecked, it is likely that it be mandatory for all Honors students to sport plaid within the next year. What is Groven’s plan in this strange occurrence? And if “Andrew” is not Bob, then what does he have in store for the Honors Program? Is anything or anyone safe from this stranger? Staffers affectionately call their project “Grovengate,” and are working bravely against the ever-present threat of “strikes” (demerits that one receives in the Program) to keep the students aware and safe from the coming tides of nepotism. With little over a month left of the semester and Groven’s transition period soon approaching, it seems there will be much change in the coming fall semester for the Honors staff and students. Without the protection of the graduating honor’s desk workers, there is more concern for Honors students’ safety than ever before. DIRTY GOATS Still a joke. Page 2 Administration supports students! Riley Hunter, Shared Governance Enthusiast Augsburg’s leadership shocked the campus in an A-mail posting last week which announced it would take immediate action to support students, beginning with a series of drastic changes. The new policies, led by President Paul Pribbenow, were inspired by the initiative known as Pribbenow’s Ideas for Student Success (PISS), which compiled ways the administration can support its largest constituency. Suggestions to be implemented include hiring 50 Mike Grewes, recruiting more attractive people and legalizing marijuana on campus. The initiative is a follow-up to the Sharing, Helping, Integrating in Technology (SHIT) action plan from past year. “SHIT and PISS have been critical to Augsburg’s progress,” said an anonymous source. PISS called on community members to submit ideas online, which were later transcribed onto sticky notes at a luncheon scheduled during class time. “We’re more comfortable talking about student success when there are literally no students in the room,” said Dean of Students Sarah Griesse. “It’s consistent with our mission of being small help to our students.” The initiative began with a clerical error, according to the president’s office. “Beth is new here, and she ordered too many sticky notes - an order of magnitude too many,” said Pribbenow. “I sat in my spacious office and thought, ‘what am I going to do with all these goddamn sticky notes?’’ “Though, come to think of it, their weak adhesive symbolizes our anemic commitment to the project,” Pribbenow added. PISS’ initial 500 idea goal seemed daunting according to staff members. “We weren’t sure if we could gather 5,000 ideas,” said one participant, “but as things got off the ground, the goal of 50,000 ideas seemed more feasible...the project finally gave all the deans something to do.” Sources report that the college’s dozens of underworked, cozily employed deans were ecstatic when given the task of coming up with 500,000 ideas. At last count, the online form had collected nearly 5 million ideas, according to Google. The number of ideas chosen by the Provost was intended to demonstrate dedication to the task, and was not in any way arbitrary. “I said to Karen [Kaivola], ‘what’s the biggest number you can think of?’” Pribbenow explained. “And look at us now: our idea-tostudent ratio of 1,250:1 is the best among ACTC schools.” Previous movements for change on campus were not as well received. These include last year’s presentation of the 95 Theses, a collection of student concerns coordinated by the Augsburg Day Student G ove r n me nt. St ude nt advocates delivered the near100 concerns in person, and many demonstrated outside Pribbenow’s door to protest the lack of change. “Theses, not feces!” shouted student government members, hurling fecal matter as a symbol. Augsburg’s leaders are intent on carrying out the suggestions this time. “Our students will be smoking hot, and just in time for our sesquicentennial year” said Ann Garvey Vice President of Student Affairs. The admissions department plans to refocus recruiting efforts by tabling at beauty pageants and modeling agencies. “Increasing the attractiveness of the student body is critical to hit our retention targets,” said Vice President of Enrollment William Mullen. Administration even promised to improve communication channels for important decisions concerning the student body. An email titled “Studetn Concerhs are Takeh Srsly” [sic] was sent out to staff and faculty, and the cabinet has agreed that messenger ravens will replace email as the official form of communication. “‘Dark wings, dark words,’ as they say in Westeros,” said film professor Wes Ellenwood. “I sure hope this all turns out better than the Red Wedding did for the Starks.” Augsburg’s Bored of Regents weighed in on the results of the recent diversity and inclusion study conducted by an outside consulting firm. “Students value including people of color in authority positions, and that’s great,” said Bored Chair Paul Mueller. However, he discussed the need to maintain the almost exclusively white, wealthy, Lutheran group’s homogeneity. “It allows us to blend in with the snow 6 months out of the year, in case a student looks up from Trivia Crack long enough to question our Lowest Yearly™ tuition increase.” The suggestion to hire 50 Mike Grewes has gained traction with Human Resources, which began a wide search for candidates closely resembling the CAO codirector in skill set, appearance and personality. “We’ve made some cuts,” acknowledged HR Manager Lisa Stock, “but we’re optimistic that hiring 50 Mike Grewes will solve most, if not all of the problems on campus.” The biology department had even considered cloning Grewe, though that may have to wait until the CSBR is completed in 2316. The legalization of marijuana on campus was another change that took many by surprise. As a dank haze rolled across the quad visible from the president’s office, Pribbenow noted how the initiative fits into Augsburg’s greater strategy, namely the Strategic Vision’s mandate to be ‘Green by 2019.’ “I have high hopes for these joint efforts,” Pribbenow said, lighting up and reclining behind his desk. “They’ll bring many benefits all rolled up into one, and that’s putting it bluntly.” Campus to adjust building hours for student demand Bryce Kadrlik, Contributor As the spring term approaches its close, campus authorities have decided to announce a shocking change: For the first time, building hours will be adjusted to match student demand. When asked what prompted this landmark decision, one official stated they were “constantly being hounded by students requesting that the buildings be open when they ACTUALLY needed them, or something silly like that, and finally I decided that I’d had enough.” Starting with the 2015 fall term, several key campus buildings will have new hours of operation to fit as many students’ schedules as possible, while also keeping the costs of operation as low as possible. The Lindell Library will face some of the most dramatic adjustments. After carefully tracking the busiest hours of the day based on student visits, and checking the numbers against the cost of student and faculty now have fob access, shutting down at 9 p.m. every night, and restarting every morning at 8 a.m. When asked what residents would do if they "...lukewarm supper will be available from 4 p.m–6 p.m." employment, officials have settled on the hours they feel will best serve the campus. The library will be open Mondays through Fridays from 3 p.m.–8 p.m., will be closed entirely on Saturdays, and will be open from 12 a.m.–3 a.m. Sunday mornings. The residence halls on campus remain operational at the same times for the most part, barring Urness and Mortensen, which will were to be locked out of their respective halls, officials replied that “maybe somebody will finally put all those chairs in the Urn-Mort Lobby to good use.” Christensen Center will have its hours adjusted to match those of Urness and Mortensen. Additionally, the cafeteria in the Commons will adjust meal availability times. Hot breakfast will be open from 8 a.m.–9:30 a.m., hot lunch will be available from 12:30 p.m.–1 p.m. and lukewarm supper will be available from 4 p.m–6 p.m. During these hours, the cafeteria will be staffed much as it is currently is. However, officials reassured us that between these hours students would still be able to access food, though there will be no employees staffed during these times, there will be a large, unsupervised bowl of lettuce on one of the tables, along with a tray of stale Rice Krispie bars. Sverdrup Hall will not have any changes in building hours, but several areas within Sverdrup will have changes in availability. The Financial Aid offices/Enrollment Center will be open during chapel time and from 1-p.m.–1:45 p.m. on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays, will be closed on Thursdays, and will be open from 7 a.m.–8 a.m. and from 3 p.m.–3:15 p.m. on Fridays. Additionally, the Honors Lounge on the second floor of Sverdrup, which is currently open for the same hours as the building as a whole, will have its hours adjusted. Officials say that they have heard particularly often from Honors students regarding the delightful tendency to be kicked out by officers from the Department of Public Safety, and that has also motivated their decisions regarding the Lounge’s hours. In the future, it will be open from 9 a.m.–12 p.m. and from 5 p.m.–6 p.m., with DPS officers clearing the lounge of students every thirty minutes. When asked what students in his Liberating Letters course would do about their exams, which are hosted in the Honors Lounge, Professor Bob Groven simply replied, “Good luck.” FLEA FARM Aren’t we funny? Page 3 Eat processed foods: they’re good for you! Blair Stewig, High Fructose Corn Syrup This past week at Augsburg, a famous speaker by the name of Jonathon Bucklewitz spoke on the health and nutrition for college students. This highly accredited man has spoken at Harvard and Yale, and he conducts his world-renowned research in Johns Hopkins finest facilities. This man has had over 43,000 papers published in scientific journals and is well sought after as a personal nutritionist. He is most famous for his recent work researching processed and unprocessed foods. His discovery will change your life and change the world. He looked at how the body breaks down both raw and heavily processed foods by looking at how the body will respond when fed each of these different types of foods. He found that, after numerous years of research, processed foods are actually better for your body. Bucklewitz explained his theory by stating, “processed foods are easier for the body to break down. This gives one’s body the ability to consume more food and, thus, more energy in one sitting and, in turn, a full day. Why would one not want to fuel their body with more energy?” When asked about his thoughts on unprocessed and whole foods, he simply said, “Raw foods require much more energy to break down and therefore force your body to become energy deficient. Why would one want to be tired all the time from not eating enough processed foods?” Many are concerned that his theory is not plausible. But the research and the results just make sense. When he spoke to Augsburg student athletes, he emphasized the importance of eating fast food the night before and the day of competitions. “It’s important that you fuel your body correctly,” Bucklewitz said. “The more calories you eat and the more processed that fuel is, the more equipped you are to perform at your fullest potential.” The trainers loved this advice! Processed foods are much cheaper than unprocessed foods; this means that they will be able to actually supply sports teams with the adequate foods to refuel their athletes. Thus, athletes can look forward to Mountain Dew. The famous “Dirty Polar Bear” Frap from Einstein’s will be the new popular beverage. For food, they can look forward to lots of potato chips and more fast food from Taco Bell and McDonalds. Bucklewitz did not only address the importance of heavily processed foods for the athletes but the entire student body. He was appalled at the cafeteria and the food provided by A’viands. They offered way too many vegetable choices, which were badly cooked in the first place. He simply thinks that Augsburg needs to have higher calorie choices as well as high quality choices of these processed foods to further entice the students to eat them. He did emphasize two PHOTO CREDIT: OHNOTHEYDIDNT.LIVEJOURNAL.COM main points of good nutrition for a college student. For example, water should never be consumed because it is so low in calories. One does not maximize their caloric intake by consuming something with no calories. Not only that, but the hydration water gives you is nothing compared to that of Mountain Dew and other high calorie beverages that contain not only water but many other enhancing ingredients. His next point was that we should avoid fruits and vegetables that are low in calories at all costs. They do not supply enough calories for the amount of micronutrients that you gain from these foods. Instead, you should consume as many high calorie foods as possible and take supplements in order to get the amount of nutrients that one needs. Why would one want to take up stomach space with meaningless foods like fruits and vegetables? This speaker made many very good points and has forced change to occur at Augsburg and around the world. This man is really making history and changing how we look at nutrition and food intake for the better. Top 5 character guys your team MUST sign in free agency Aaron Hernandez’s biggest fan With free agency looming in the NFL, and with the media attention the NFL has gotten in the past year for all the classact men in the league, here is a look at the top 5 players your team should be trying to sign as both on-field performers and off-field role models. Criteria for this list are fairly simple. First, the player must be a free agent, obviously. Second, they must have been fined and/ or suspended by the league at some point for their incredible acts of humility and kindness. That’s all it takes. 5. Bernard Pierce Former Ravens running back and current Jaguar, Bernard Pierce was released by the team after being arrested on March 18 for DUI and speeding in a Baltimore suburb. Pierce was picked up off waivers by Jacksonville, proving again that the NFL only employs upstanding citizens. The best part of Pierce’s story is the fact that he told police before being arrested that he was worried the Ravens were going to cut him. No one can be certain, but one would venture to guess he would still be a Raven had he just called a cab that night. 4. John Boyett You probably haven’t ever heard his name unless you are a die-hard NFL fan, but former Broncos safety John Boyett is best, and only, known for his character. The 25-yearold former 6-round draft pick by the Colts has a colorful history of run-ins with law enforcement. On Oct. 22, 2014, Boyett was arrested in a Denver suburb after reportedly punching and head-butting a cab driver, stealing a shovel from a construction site, and trying to hide from police by covering himself in mulch. He urged police to call his boss, hall of famer and Broncos General Manager, John Elway. Elway released Boyett before he could post bail the following day. This wasn’t Boyett’s first act of humility. About a year prior, while a member of the Colts, Boyett was arrested in an Indianapolis bar for refusing to leave after being kicked out. He again told police they couldn’t arrest him because he played for the Colts. He is certainly someone you want on your practice squad. Hell, I say give him big money and move him to the active roster. 3. Terrence Cody Terrence “Mount” Cody is another player to watch out for this offseason. The former second-round pick of the Baltimore Ravens reminded us a little bit of Michael Vick when he was indicted for animal cruelty and two counts of misdemeanor drug charges on Feb. 2. He currently faces 15 counts and 2 felony charges for having possession of an illegal alligator. The felony charges come from the death of one of his dogs, in which an investigation is still ongoing. This is great publicity for a 360-pound, unproductive, out of shape player like Mount Cody who is hoping for a chance with another team. It’s going to be difficult to go on free agent visits from a cell. 2. Greg Hardy “The Kraken” comes in at number two on our list for his brilliant act of honor last offseason. The former Panther and current Cowboy was arrested on two misdemeanor charges of domestic violence after he allegedly assaulted and threatened his now exgirlfriend. The girlfriend said Hardy dragged her into a bedroom and threw her on a pile of shotguns and assault rifles he said were loaded. The part that makes this case really interesting is that Hardy denies anything happened that night. As his story goes, he never laid a hand on the woman, but they did have a heated argument. He was found guilty in both counts, but charges were dropped. He was arguably the best available player in free agency this season. He only played in one game last season after being placed on the commissioner’s exempt list, which is the same thing that happened to honorable mention Adrian Peterson. He was signed to a one-year, non- guaranteed contract with the Cowboys a few weeks ago. This is viewed as a "short leash” deal, meaning he could be done if he steps out of line again. Whether he did it or not is questionable, but someone who nicknames himself after a sea monster might not be the most honest of company, either. 1. Tim Tebow If there is anyone who should be signed strictly on character alone, it’s the man formerly known as “Denver Jesus.” Tebow hasn’t played football since being cut by the Patriots before the 2013 regular season began, but has reportedly been working with Tom Brady’s throwing coach to try to make a comeback. He even had a workout with the Eagles last week, so a deal could be coming for Tebow. One thing is for sure, if your team signs one of the other guys on the list, you better hope they nab Tebow as well to help level things out in the “character” department. LLAMAS There’s a serious one on this page. Page 4 Augsburg to ban the use of restrooms on campus Del M. Logeais, Features Editor There has been a lot of controversy surrounding restrooms, their intended users, and their placement (or the lack thereof) on Augsburg’s campus the past couple of months and beyond. Now, Augsburg administration is teaming up with Residence Life in order to officially ban the use of restrooms on campus in order to promote the safety of all students and faculty. It was just this past semester that gender-neutral bathrooms were installed in every building on campus, save Urness Hall, where most first-year students reside. Some of these genderneutral bathrooms, designated for individuals of any gender identity or the lack thereof, and equipped with individual stalls, were littered with signs, posted by the dean of students, that read as follows: “This restroom is appropriate for individual use. Please lock the door behind you.” The signs, not suggesting but instead demanding individuals to lock the restroom doors, in part imply that transgender/ non-binary individuals are too dangerous or hypersexual to use the restroom alongside cis-folks, and thus they should be isolated. The signs may as well have read as follows: “Cis-individuals beware. A transgender or non-binary person might be lurking in this bathroom, waiting and absolutely intending to prey on or sexually assault you.” At the same time, however, it is absolutely valid, for example, if a female identified cis-person to feel discomfort if a male identified cis-person were to enter the restroom space alongside her. It is for these reasons that Residence Life and Augsburg administration are taking action. “You can’t please anybody around here! Trans and nonbinary individuals are always pouting, and constantly whining for safe places to use the restroom, visibility, inclusivity, yada, yada,” said one Residence Life staff member. “So we throw them a bone. We give them a restroom in most every building. A whole restroom! Very generous on our behalf. The dean puts a silly sign on the door, and now they’re worked up again. It’s ludicrous. What do they think Augsburg stands for? Representation and equality? Safety and comfort? Ridiculous.” “Something had to be done. We knew that,” added an Augsburg administrator. “We couldn’t keep up with making sure every student and faculty member felt comfortable, so we’re choosing to give up instead. No more restrooms. Period. It’s better this way.” Some concern has been expressed by students aware of the impending change, as some of them spend as many as 24 hours a day on campus, and feel the desire to use the restroom as often as every four hours. “I am a cis-gender woman, and not only do I study here. I live here. For Augsburg to completely neglect my inherent bodily function as a human being. . . for them to refuse me a space to use the restroom: It’s sick. I feel overwhelmingly invalidated,” remarked one second-year student. “I’ve stopped eating Taco Bell in preparation. I have plans to walk a whole block to use a restroom suited for me, a cis-male. It’s torture,” claimed another student. “I find the situation completely hilarious,” added an anonymous genderqueer identified first-year. “The whole fucking Western world is in a rut. Transgender and non-binary folks are not being provided for. I knew that, and I come to Augsburg and expect it to be different, and it’s just not. I used to have to ride the elevator eighteen flights in order to pee someplace I felt safe. And that is something that Augsburg needs to deal with— something they need to face and fix. Instead they’re just shutting down, I guess. Avoiding the real issue here. Pretty fucking typical.” “I will say, however, I am very much enjoying hearing all these cis-individuals bitch and moan about not having a place to use the restroom. It’s like “welcome to our world.” It’s something I’ve lived with everyday for years. Suddenly they have to deal with the same situation, and you’d think it was dawn of the next ice age. I guess it’s easy for them to forget,” they added. We found Waldo, but where’s Putin? Abby Tetzlaff, Staff Writer Vladimir Putin, president of the Russian Federation, also known as the instigator of the Crimea Crisis occurring earlier in the year, is missing. He hasn’t been seen in Moscow or visiting another leader. He’s not riding bears shirtless, not diving for museum pottery, nada. And no one is talking. None of his staff or upper officials commented on his whereabouts. Putin cancelled meetings within his own government and diplomats from other states with no explanation. The Russian people have reacted to their missing statesman in numerous ways. Many blasted the rumors and gossip through social media such as Twitter with hashtags like #putinisdead, or #putinmissing to try to shed light on the subject. Some theorists believe that he is being cured of cancer, but everyone knows Putin is a germaphobe and health addict. Some say he is in the Swiss Alps with his girlfriend as she delivers their baby. This is possible, but unlikely. Putin as a father? Yikes. Others who are more politically driven suggest Putin was quietly attacked by a coup. A quiet coup, you say? There has been so such thing. Is he visiting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un? He too has disappeared without a trace several times in recent years. The two could be playing hookie from their respective governments to watch movies censored to their collective general public. It seems like Putin’s ideal image of time off is wrestling some wild animal, so it’s doubtful that he has the patience to sit through a single Hollywood movie, let alone a marathon of them. With all other possibilities accounted for, this leaves only one reasonable answer that has enough evidence to stand up: Putin has gone into the closet. The closet is a very dark place, which makes sense because there are no windows. No wonder Putin’s staff couldn’t find him. Being a former KGB official, he probably knows all the good hiding spots behind the Russian-made wool parkas and babushkas with expert precision. Hell, if he can swim with sharks and cuddle a tiger, his powers of invisibility must have kicked in somewhere during middle age. Putin is probably so damn good at hiding, that after his staff gave up looking for him during a game of hideand-seek around the Kremlin, they just left him, assuming he’d reappear within the hour. Putin, with his training and knowledge of military practices, must have sat in that musty, dark portal. Perhaps he gained some perspective toward the experience of how the people he imprisoned felt. Just kidding, probably not. However, is there a more euphemistic meaning to Putin’s retreat to the closet? Is Putin trying to tell his country something? Is he silently screaming for liberation? How perfectly ironic to have the world leader in anti-gay propaganda hiding in a closet. How about that for a gay agenda? However, even with this most accurate and up-todate information, there are few clues as to exactly how or why Putin is in a closet at the Kremlin. Many point to coded and not-so-coded interviews posted on Youtube. They are even so direct, that simply typing “Putin,” into the search bar, automatic answers appear stating “I am gay.” The authenticity of these videos is undeniably credible, but when will he tell the world? For Russia and the rest of civilization, we must wait somewhat patiently for answers. We must wait for Putin to come out of the closet and explain himself. PONY RIDES JUST KIDDING! Page 5 Board of Regents approves high house A Native Coloradoan After plans to break ground on the new CSBR came out, Augsburg Board of Regents also approved another, more realistic, building plan to complement the CSBR. The Pribbenow Smoke Den will begin construction the very same day as CSBR. The building is a part of Augsburg’s “Green by 2019” initiative and Pribbenow’s Ideas for Student Success (PISS), is an effort to finally legalize marijuana in the state of Minnesota. The building will essentially be a rather large, open room with couches, chairs, video games, netflix and a whole lot of tidied posters on the walls, with separate study rooms for those who like to medicate before they study. It will also have retractable sunroofs to avoid “getting too turnt,” said one board member. The “Green by 2019” initiative was originally meant to reduce the college’s overall carbon footprint, but the “green” part has expanded to so much more than that. The building will be named in honor of current Augsburg president, Paul Pribbenow, who heads the effort to complete the project. “I’m honored to have a building named after me on this great campus,” Pribbenow said. “We ‘bout [sic] to turn up, bro.” Au g s b u r g C ol le ge Department of Public Safety confiscates over half a pound of marijuana each school year (that is actually true), with most individual cases coming in amounts less than two grams, so embracing the idea and having a designated smoking area may just be a good idea. The college will also implement new major programs to help with the expenses faced by the CSBR and the Pribbenow Smoke Den. Marijuana studies will be available as a declared major after the two have been completed. The program will consist of growing, caring for and using marijuana in multiple ways. The CSBR will actually feature a greenhouse where as many as 200 marijuana plants will be grown by students at one time. The program will take students through the process of making edible marijuana candies, brownies, cookies and much more. At this point, pretty much everything goes. The board said they are not worried about the possibility that the plant will not be legalized by the completion date in 2019. They say their biggest concern at this point is finding qualified professors to come to Minnesota from Colorado and Washington that have prior arrest records pertaining to marijuana. There will be required business classes involved in the major program as well. Those classes will involve both legal and other methods of entrepreneurship. The science courses attached to the major will be a wide range of biology, chemistry, botany and other classes. The part students should be excited about is the fact that Einstein’s and Nabo will offer edibles and plant marijuana at a discounted rate. As a native Coloradoan (which is also true), I can personally attest to the amount of money the school and generate from this great idea. President Pribbenow finally outdid himself with this one. Urness Hall residents to be locked out for the remainder of the academic year Del M. Logeais, Features Editor This year, as well as in a number of years past, Urness Hall residents were locked out of the building (Urness) for the Thanksgiving, winter and spring breaks. First-years were forced to leave campus—the reason for this being, according to Residence Life, that the firstyear students, animalistic in demeanor, and a whole year younger than some of the rest of Augsburg’s students, could not be trusted to remain in the building with class out of session. Now, Residence Life plans to keep this group of rowdy youngsters locked out of Urness for the remainder of the academic year. The building will be locked today, and Urness residents will be completely unable to access their rooms and belongings until the first week in May. They will, however, still be required to pay the full cost for room and board. A Residence Life staff member had this to say about the coming change: “At this point, we really have no other choice. They’re like animals in there. Late at night, when I’m in my office alone, sending various emojis to my pastor’s step-mother, I can hear them: participating in underage drinking in their rooms. Smoking devil weed. Listening to rap music. Having pre-marital sex. Each and every one of them. It’s a fact. They’re out of control. We can’t let this go on.” “The opportunity for them to party is just too great,” another staff member added. “It’s no longer a risk we’re willing to take. They’re just too young. Students residing in Mortensen, Luther and Anderson Halls are very much matured, some of them as old as 19, 20 and 21. Most Urness Hall residents are just 18 and 19! It’s an outrage. How can we let these young people, old enough to marry, sign legal contracts, be sued in court, go to war and vote, live on their own unsupervised? Next thing you know, they’ll be asking for the installment of a gender-neutral floor in Urness in order to ensure the safety and comfort of non-binary and transgender students. It’s sick.” The first-year students, many of them only somewhat aware of the impending lockout, were completely stunned upon being asked about how they plan to proceed as students at Augsburg. “So what, they’re going to lock up my textbooks and my laptop in there? Cool,” said one first-year student. “Will I be able to grab my fla-bong-o [a lawn-ornament resembling a flamingo used for drinking excessive amounts of alcohol] before this goes down? This has got to be because of that kid who keeps shitting in the showers. Maybe we won’t have to eat at A’viands anymore,” the student added. “I don’t understand. I literally don’t understand. Should I call my parents?” said another firstyear student. “Once, I got high in the East stairwell. It was kind of a creepy place to be, and it smelled like crackers. After my second hit, the black marks on the stairs turned into little monsters, and they started mutilating each other. I guess I won’t be too bummed to leave,” remarked yet another Urness Hall resident. Residence Life has plans to confiscate all of the first-years’ belongings, and sell them for profit. With the money, the staff members plan on redecorating the Residence Life office to resemble the cafe “Central Perk” from the hit TV sitcom “Friends.” Allegedly, the Residence Life staff will proceed to dress up as characters from the show—Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, Chandler, Joey and Monica, among others—and reenact scenes from their favorite “Friends” episodes. SWINE FLU Knock, knock. CWC replaces therapy dogs with therapy spiders Jens Pinther, All Hope Is Lost The Center for Wellness and Counseling (CWC), formally known as CCHP, decided to take a new approach in comforting the Augsburg community. The CWC invited 75 spiders to visit the Christensen Center last Wednesday. “She’s all legs!” CWC Administrative Assistant Dianne Detloff said of the nearest arachnid, allegedly named Charlotte. According to Wikipedia, spiders are the seventh most diverse species in all known organisms. “This commitment to diversity,” Detloff said, “is what makes spiders the perfect choice for a campus as diverse as Augsburg’s.” Among the many species of spiders brought to campus, the favorites included the Lattice Orbweaver, Red Folding Door Trapdoor and Giant Crab spiders. The Black Widow was considered, but Director of Public Safety and Risk Management Scott Brownell warned against it. “It’s just too risky,” he said. “We tend to racially profile our spiders and—wait, are you writing this down?” Although the CWC did bring in Australian favorites like the Clock Spider and the Huntsman, the Center stayed as local as possible. “We tried to focus on primarily North American species of spiders,” Detloff said. “It’s better for the earth. Shipping spiders from New Zealand can be costly both financially and environmentally.” “I like it when they crawl in my mouth,” said Sean Evenson, a senior. “They taste like safety.” When asked about her favorite part of the spiders, senior Lia Jacobson said, “Their hearts.” It’s not just the students who are in favor of the eight-legged companions. Director of News and Media Services Stephanie Weiss said the spiders would be great for public relations. “When I see these spiders, I just want to hear their personal narratives. They have such interesting backgrounds!” Charlotte the Wolf Spider gave Weiss her business card and said, “Click click, ftfftftfft, click.” Charlotte pointed out that bees are much more dangerous than spiders, and she felt that the stigma against In a coup de tat that surprised the world, Kevin Spacey, who has henceforth taken the name of Francis Underwood, gained control of the White House and was declared the 45th President of the United States by Congress on March 23. The coup was a quick one as many Underwood supporters rushed the White House in overwhelming numbers. Former President Barack Obama and his family were asked to leave the White House peacefully by Underwood and, after a heavy argument, did just that, suitcases in hand. When asked why he initiated the coup, Underwood replied, “I felt that 'House of Cards' has given me the political leverage and backing necessary to launch this campaign successfully. I’ve heard nothing but support for this institution since I arrived.” Yet, there have been numerous reports of protests across the country, calling for Underwood’s impeachment and imprisonment. “Underwood’s presidency is highly unconstitutional. He is sitting in the presidency without a single vote cast in his name. He needs to be stopped.” In his first State of the Union address, Underwood claimed that his first course of action would be similar to that of his character on “House of Cards,” in that he would be reforming social security and trying to produce jobs for those in need. “Job security is one of the biggest problems in this country, and it needs to be fixed,” said Underwood. “I believe I have a solution to do just that.” While Underwood wasn’t clear on exactly what that solution would be, he seemed to Upcumming Augsburg Events Monday, March 30 “Sorry About All This,” a Board of Regents Presentation All Day Suite 100 Oren Gateway Center PHOTO CREDIT: WWW.SCIENCEDAILY.COM spider companionship was inappropriate for the times. “Click fttftftftf click click,” she said. “Ftft—click click [weird hum].” “Charlotte has a point,” Vice President of Student Affairs Ann Garvey said. “If we are working to be more inclusive, that needs to include meeting our spiders where they’re at— the basement, the tool shed or anywhere in Luther Hall, honestly.” When asked what happened to the traditional therapy dogs, Detloff said, “That Great Dane was cute, but way too much for people. We wanted to make sure people felt safe and at ease during this trying time.” Evenson muffled something in response to Detloff, but nobody could hear him because he had a tarantula in his mouth. “I miss the dogs,” said alumnus and dog enthusiast Anthony Brousseau. “But you know what? We all need a hug from an arachnid the side of a dinner plate. Think of how many arms that is—that’s like four hugs at the same time.” The mosquitos, moths and crickets of campus declined to comment, and actually, they took the Green Line to Hamline because fuck that. Kevin Spacey declared 45th President of the United States Nick Pell, Staff Writer Page 6 have most of the country behind him, at least in the polls. Initial reactions to his speech were positive, with roughly 80% in support of Underwood. Along with his plan on social security, Underwood also declared March 25, the day of his speech, as National Free Ice Cream Day, promising financial compensation to ice cream vendors on this day to make up for their lost profits. He also declared March 23 as Day of the Ribs as a tribute to his “House of Cards” character. The last thing Underwood addressed in his speech was his placement on the Netflix show “House of Cards,” announcing that he would be continuing as the show’s star until its final season in 2017. “The show is something which I owe a great deal to,” Underwood said. “It has projected me onto the map in recent years, and I believe it to be one of the main reasons I am in the President’s seat.” World leaders are generally supportive of the Underwood regime, seeing it as a “United States with some potential,” according to Russian President Vladimir Putin. Some in the European Union, however, see it as a “mockery of democracy,” and believe the American people should “rise up and take back their liberty,” according to Britain’s Prime Minister David Cameron. The coming days, weeks and months will tell much about the country’s reaction to Underwood’s newfound power. Whether he will settle in as America’s first dictator or allow the torch to pass to another in four years, the country lies in wait to see if the Francis Underwood of reality can compete productively with the Underwood of television. Someday, When Pigs Fly Ground-Breaking for CSBR ??? a.m. Where the Community Gardens Are :( Wednesday, March 32 That Fucking Starbucks Vending Machine Actually Works For Once 12 a.m., when nobody is allowed in the bulding Basement Christensen Center Monday, April 20 Focused Conversation: To Put It Bluntly 4:20 p.m. Marshall Room Christensen Center Auggies “Connect” with “Employers” 6 to 9 p.m. Suite 100 Christensen Center ANIMAL POO It’s the joke issue. Page 7 Auggie Eagle to be featured in upcoming video game Andrew Jewell, Staff Writer Augsburg gamers got the treat of a lifetime this last week as indie designer Scott Cawthon announced the inclusion of a familiar face on his next project in the popular “Five Nights At Freddy’s” franchise. Auggie Eagle, renowned statewide for his cold, dead eyes and terrifying visage, has been tapped to appear as one of the possessed animatronics in the new game. “I wanted to make a game set in a small liberal-arts college, and when I saw Auggie, I knew Augsburg was the school I was looking for,” said Cawthon of his decision-making process. “I just looked at his mangy, aging costume and knew that this was the perfect lieutenant for Freddy Fazbear.” The game will focus around a DPS officer trapped in the abandoned science building after the construction of CSBR. Though different in tone from the previous installments in the series, Cawthon was confident that “Five Nights at Auggie’s” would be just as terrifying as the previous games in the series. “When I saw the late-forties asylum look of the Science building, I loved it immediately. The peeling plaster, ducttaped windows and yellowed glass will make it a more conventional horror-game experience, of course, but I think with Auggie’s inclusion it will be just as innovative as my previous games have been,” Cawthon said. PPP expressed his excitement at the publicity. “I really think that this game will get the message out to the youth of the nation that Augsburg is a school worth coming to!” PPP said. “That young gentleman even says he’s found a way to work Auggie Eagle into the game. We get to use it as a promotional material for any visiting students, so I think that the plan right now is to give a copy out to everyone who stays overnight. That way, they’ll really have a way to see what the school is like. It’ll be just like allowing every prospective student to stay overnight for five nights instead of just one — the real Augsburg experience.” Cawthon explored the campus thoroughly while researching to create the game, and says that the game will feature a thorough recreation of the late-night environment on campus. “I think that the seemingly arbitrary and variable times that the doors lock will give the game an added challenge,” said the creator. “In the game, you’ll never be able to rely on any given door being open or locked at any particular time—just like in real life. It’s an innovation that’s even missing from many of the most popular horror games. When I saw fear in the eyes of students rushing to get inside minutes before the doors might lock, I knew I had to have this in my next game.” Although most students on campus seemed benevolent to the idea, some people voiced their concerns about the game. “In the past, [Cawthon’s] games were fun because of how real they felt,” said one student who preferred to remain anonymous. “Have you ever tried getting into a building after 11 p.m.? Clamped closed tighter than my dad’s asshole. The realism just won’t be there in this game, and I can’t see it going anywhere.” Like it or not, the deal is set to proceed. Cawthon states that the game will be ready before the college search season really gets into full swing. “Of course, Auggie is already there for the students at Augsburg—and if they’re anything like me, he’s there, haunting their dreams every night.” Well-endowed Augsburg perpetuates PP through the arts Tingus Maningus, Augsburg Student Historical Art Para-Professional In an effort to further Au g sb u rg’s m i ssion , administration, in conjunction with the Art Department and Augsburg Galleries, has decided to make duplicates of the large sperm installation which currently sits on the first floor of the Lindell Library, right outside of the Tech Desk and Multi-Media Lab. The tall piece stands erect in the middle of an important juncture in Lindell. One cannot help but be confronted fullfacedly by the upright floating sperm when traversing to other destinations. If one must go to the bathroom on the first floor, they must walk past the sperm. If one needs to go to the Tech Desk or the Multi-Media lab, one must walk past, even dodge dramatically, this large sperm. If one ventures downstairs to the basement, they must confront and walk past this sperm. “I love our semen relic,” remarked President Pat Pribbinglow (PPP) during the school’s most recent All-Hands Meeting when addressing concerns of how the sperm might be replicated and placed in each of the other buildings on campus — including the fated Semenary for Science, Business and Religion. (SSBR). “It is an integral reminder of our communal vocation, it embodies our mission, and expresses Augsburg’s two core values: Patriarchy and Procreation” (PP). “The intent of having the piece where it is,” said Ronald Tommy in a lengthy snapchat conversation, “is to have students be reminded of Augsburg’s PP.” Tommy, whose name is on the specimen’s object label, is Augsburg’s Teacher of Three Dimensional Objects, as well as the designated Care-Taker of the piece. In speaking to Augsburg’s Trained Visual Professional Kirstin Anderstone, though many students walk past the relic everyday, very few knew until recently that the sperm was real. “No one knows who it belongs to, even though some scholars here are still arguing about it,” she said. Anderstone remarked, though, that we know the sperm belonged to one of the first Vikings to have landed in the Midwest. The piece of semen was found by a Lutheran farmer who happened upon a set of small hills which, in his expertise of the land, did not appear to be natural. The farmer went digging and found in the hills old Viking burial sites containing nearlyintact ships, skeletons, jewelry and the abnormally large semen, which was preserved before burial to be used as a relic. “We also know that the Vikings knew exactly what they were doing,” continued Anderstone over an AOL Instant Messenger interview. “They were a prophetic people. They knew a farmer would find the semen and eventually start a semenary.” After discovering the semen in 1869, the farmer began the Augsburg Semenary. The building was built using the wood from the disintegrating ships, just atop the burial grounds. Meticulously placed in what appears to be a largerthan-life rectangular petri dish cozily surrounded by translucent globe-shaped egg thingies, the semen was placed on the Semenary’s front steps. Under the presidency of Argust Weenarse, Augsburg’s first president, the Seminary moved to Minneapolis in 1872, bringing with it the semen relic. For many years, the Semenary did not spawn the vast amount of subjects offered today. It only produced semen. “For what exactly,” said Tommy, “we still don’t know. We can only speculate.” However, after many years of struggling to develop sustainable practices for high yields of semen, and to find reasonable uses of the excessive amounts produced each year (especially by first-years, according to records), women were invited to join in 1921. “PP cannot exist without [the uterus],” remarked Anderstone. “Though they tried to avoid it for many years, the Semenary saw that [the uterus was] their best method for high yields, proper storage and certainly their most sustainable method for the second P – Procreation.” Thus, Augsburg’s mission to “…perpetuate the Norwegian Lutheranian values of Patriarchy and Procreation.” “This is why we need replicates up in each building ASAP,” said PPP over coffee at Einstings’s. “With the growth of this long-erected institution, we need to keep these hard and fast values alive and kicking in Augsburg’s daily life.” When asked how this will happen, no one was able to say for sure. “Though we know how the Vikings preserved the semen, we have no idea from whom they were able to obtain such a large singular piece,” said Anderstone. “But it only seems appropriate to obtain it from our very own — the planning committee is currently in debate over whether or not we will collect samples from our students.” Especially with last year’s implementation of an annual sperm drive, the effort should be met in good spirit. Last spring, Sperm Expert Anthony Brousseau quoted students who felt they had truly found their vocation in producing sperm (Volume CXX, Issue 18). No one is sure yet, but according to PPP, the project, which is to be complete by 2019, will be funded by Augsburg’s endowment fund. “Because we are so well endowed,” remarked PPP, “this campus can continue to maintain the PP and spawn anew.” BB RODENTS HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Page 8 Don’t patronize me just because I’m a piece of vertical transport equipment Urness Hall Elevator Hey! Yeah, I’m talking to you. Don’t just get in, toss your Einstein’s Bros wrapper on my floor, and whip it out. Your phone, that is — but also don’t whip anything else out. I’ve seen some shit, and it’s just plain disrespectful. What do I look like, a fucking garbage receptacle? I am getting sick and tired of being treated like some kind of piece of metal, like I don’t have feelings just because I’m a non-sentient machine. Sorry. I’m just really worked up. And down. But come on, it’s supposed to be spring for crying out loud — how are people still tracking all this gross slush onto my floor? Gross. You’d be cross too if a constant stream of ingrates tracked a half mud, half snow mixture across the largest plane of your surface area all the time. I only get mopped once a day, at best. Someone help me, please. While I have witnessed spontaneous rap battles, I really wish someone would take a more academic interest in what I have to offer. I’m waiting for the day some students design an experiment with confederates who face my posterior wall, hum loudly, or strike up real conversations with the iPhone zombies who frequent my quadrilateral enclosure, subtly recording and reporting on the social pressures exerted on unsuspecting riders. Think of the research potential! The URGO grant practically writes itself. Also, don’t use me as storage for the lounge chairs. I see how much Res Life charges for that, and it’s not worth it, I promise. Though it’s always interesting when roommates drop off their friend’s mini fridge and wait to see how long they take to realize. Don’t get me wrong; Augsburg is a great place for a lot of reasons. Its inclusivity and commitment to service learning and social justice is truly outstanding, and with such a great student to faculty ratio, it’s hard to beat. But while everyone else is busy getting excited about Augsburg 2019, I’m really having a hard time. Just hear me out, OK? Then you can go back to incessantly ringing my fire bell at midnight like a dumbass. How am I supposed to contribute to making Augsburg into a new type of urban university, small to its students and big to the world? I don’t even get invited to focused conversations, convocations, all hands meetings… oh sure, I don’t have any hands. Way to throw that in my face. How come there aren’t ever any “all pistons” meetings? Must be some kind of exclusive “old humanoids club.” Come to think of it, I don’t think there was a single mention of lifts, conveyors, hoists, paternosters, grain belts, Archimedes' screws or dumbwaiters in the entire document. What kind of strategic vision is that? I guess I’m not worth much to you at all. It really makes my hydraulic fluid boil. I suppose I have it good in some ways. You know what they always say about the elevator business — it has its ups and downs. Poor Science Hall Elevator sounds like it’s about to explode every time someone squeezes into its cramped interior. And Library Rear Elevator can’t even reach the link level — what a joke! Talk about a bad “call” on that one. But at the same time, Memorial Hall Elevator looks like a goddamn spaceship. Flaunting your high-tech classic white, smooth-textured, backlit buttons… I can’t stand it. How are we supposed to go “through truth to freedom” when I can’t even go through a reasonable maintenance cycle? All these lofty ideals really push my buttons. Along with the groups of football players cramming the whole team in before obnoxiously slamming “door close.” There’s an overload sensor for a reason! I have to admit; sometimes I break down on purpose. But it’s not my fault, you know? Sometimes life just gets really overwhelming, whether your mechanism is cable-borne or hydraulic. I’m just trying to fulfill my vocation. CSBR to feature “Room of Requirement” Abigail Carpenter and Megan Perry Do you have trouble finding the right room to study in? Do none of the campus lounges meet your student needs? Look no further because the new Center for Science, Business, and Religion (CSBR) building has the room for you. With its recent 10 million dollar donation, the CSBR board has approved the addition of Augsburg’s very own, very first “Room of Requirement.” “The donor, who must not be named, gave us the money needed to do something really special,” said President Paul Pribbenow. Contractors have been unsuccessful in drawing it into blueprints of the building, however. “We can’t seem to get it to show up on the map,” said Pribbenow. “I was told it will appear anyway, though.” Because the “Room of Requirement” takes the form of whatever a student needs, it will be extremely inclusive and thus, capable of being used by students of all academic disciplines. “We’re very excited for the room’s versatility and inclusiveness,” said Pribbenow. “But students should be aware that the room will only be of access to students who really need it.” At a public forum held last Friday, parents expressed concern that the room would simply be a place for students to “smoke up” and “hook up,” but Pribbenow was quick to dismiss those concerns. “We plan for the room to be used purely academically,” said Pribbenow. “It’s realistic to think that students will abide by this rule.” Parents were quickly convinced by his argument. The forum was also used to address the concern that the “Room of Requirement” would give students access to an extremely leftist education, but Pribbenow was quick to comment. “We are a Lutheran school with solid Christian values,” said Pribbenow. “Do not fear.” When a certain, cloaked forum-goer got heated and questioned if his bowtie is actually a horcrux, Pribbenow strangely muttered the word “Obliviate,” at which point, these reporters can no longer remember his answer to this question. This only feeds the rumor that Pribbenow will use the room to house his expanding (clip-on) bow tie collection. More money is still needed to get CSBR started. Pribbenow is seeking students to join his newly formed club, “Pribbenow’s Army,” which works to raise awareness and money towards the project. The CSBR board hopes the “Room of Requirement” will show just how serious the project is being taken and that donations will come flying in. “It will take a lot of galleons to fund this project,” said the Board. “Listen, if we could flick a wand and make this money appear, we would.” Donations are being accepted by transferring funds to Augsburg’s account at Gringotts Bank on Riverside. They are encouraged, as the “Room of Requirement” is only the beginning of many enchanting features the building will hold. “CSBR is going to be something truly magical,” said Pribbenow.
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