THE
TYPO
Fr iday, Marc h 27, 2015
Notice today is near April Fool’s.
You guessed it. It’s the joke issue.
Seriously, calm down.
The Augsburg College Student Nudespaper
BREAKING: President Pribbenow only wears clip-on bow ties
Jens Pinther, Smug Bastard
President Paul Pribbenow
(PPP) cannot tie a bow tie
to save his life according to Leif
Anderson, Chief Information
Officer.
“I work with him a lot, as
you can guess,” Anderson said,
“and I just felt the community
should know—Pribbenow can’t
tie a bow tie, and everything
you know is a lie.”
There had been plans for Bill
Nye the Science Guy and PPP
to have a bow-tie-tying contest
when Nye was visiting campus
over Valentine’s Day weekend,
but PPP abruptly canceled the
event.
“I had heard he was weeping
over the model of the CSBR in
Oren Gateway as he often does,
but maybe he just didn’t want to
confess he only wears clip-on
ties,” said a close source who
wished to remain anonymous.
Not everyone on campus
is distraught and confused,
however. “I felt a tension—a
rivalry—my whole tenure at
Augsburg, and now I know
I’ve won,” said the everhandsome Jens Pinther, founder
of #BowTieTuesday, who by
the way has great hair and
sensitive poet brown eyes.
“You think you know
someone,” said Abigail
Pribbenow, “and then you
realize things...aren’t always as
they seem.”
PPP is expected to formally
declare an indefinite leave of
absence early next week, with
much protest from the Board of
Regents.
“We are wealthy and don’t
represent the Augsburg student
body!” the entirety of the Board
of Regents added, in unison.
When approached for
comment, PPP was humble
and apologetic. “It all happened
so fast,” PPP said. “I want to
apologize to this campus. I have
not been living out my vocation,
and you deserve better. While
I am on my leave, I will watch
Jens’ bow tie-tying tutorial on
YouTube as many times as it
takes for me to learn—once and
for all—how to tie a bow you all
deserve.”
When asked if he is mad
at Anderson for exposing his
secrets, PPP was quick to say
no. “We need whistleblowers
like Anderson,” PPP said. “And
although that information was
Top Secret, we need to hold our
administration responsible. He’s
like the Snowden or Ellsberg
of our campus, and we should
celebrate him, or outcast him
to Russia—either way is fine by
me tbh.”
With over 1.2 million
impressions on Twitter so far,
the hashtag #PPPcanNOTknot
has been exploding on social
media. The scandal has even
been tweeted about by Bill
Nye (@thescienceguy) himself.
The tweet read, “It’s probably
the Lutheran background. A
scientist would have tested that
shit. #PPPcanNOTknot.”
Bob Groven to be replaced by…Bob Groven?
an exposé on ‘Grovengate’
Abby Tetzlaff, Staff Writer
Last week Bob Groven
formally announced that he
was stepping down from his
position as Honors Program
Director at the end of this
year. If you’ve seen “The Big
Show,” which occurs once a
year (thankfully) during Honors
Weekend, you know Groven.
He’s the one pretending to be
Conan O'Brien, or for those
fortunate enough to see this
year’s performance, Stephen
Colbert in an imitation of “The
Colbert Report.”
Of course, Prof. Groven
will still teach honors and
communication courses about
the campus (he just won’t leave
that easily), but his chosen
successor in the honorable
position of the Honors Director
is quite the quandary. It seems
that Groven, in some form of
egotistical confusion, chose
himself as his own successor.
Groven elected a fictional
first year named “Andrew
Jewell” as the next Honors
director. From first-hand
glances at the paperwork,
“Andrew” seemed very real.
A stellar GPA, an Honors
student (of course), and all the
qualifications that are required
for the job (few).
Interviewers commented
that the there was an uncanny
resemblance between this
“Andrew,” and the professor.
Even his personality and
mannerisms were similar, if not
the identical to those of Groven’s.
This leaves the question:
What exactly does Groven
think he’s doing? Theorists
about the Augsburg campus
state that “Andrew Jewell”
is his true legal name. Some
say he is the victim of identity
theft. Others suggest that
“Andrew” is Groven’s identical
good twin who has finally
gotten his slightly older, yet
more malignant brother under
control.
Administrators and PPP
refused to comment when asked
about this strange phenomenon,
setting themselves apart from
the operations of the Honor’s
program.
So what is next for
Augsburg’s Honors program?
Some speculate that this
incident shows Groven’s
first eleven years as Honors
Program Director were only
just the beginning of his reign.
Within the program in the
next few years under the gaze
of “Andrew,” it is predicted
that students will see formal
decrees being sent out, and
maybe even a five-year plan (or
two). These decrees will require
more residency requirements,
boosting the honor’s class load
from 7 upwards to around 1012. If “Andrew’s” power goes
on too long unchecked, it is
likely that it be mandatory for
all Honors students to sport
plaid within the next year.
What is Groven’s plan in
this strange occurrence? And
if “Andrew” is not Bob, then
what does he have in store
for the Honors Program?
Is anything or anyone safe
from this stranger? Staffers
affectionately call their project
“Grovengate,” and are working
bravely against the ever-present
threat of “strikes” (demerits that
one receives in the Program)
to keep the students aware and
safe from the coming tides of
nepotism.
With little over a month left
of the semester and Groven’s
transition
period
soon
approaching, it seems there will
be much change in the coming
fall semester for the Honors
staff and students. Without the
protection of the graduating
honor’s desk workers, there
is more concern for Honors
students’ safety than ever
before.
DIRTY GOATS
Still a joke.
Page 2
Administration supports students!
Riley Hunter,
Shared Governance Enthusiast
Augsburg’s
leadership
shocked the campus in an
A-mail posting last week
which announced it would take
immediate action to support
students, beginning with a
series of drastic changes. The
new policies, led by President
Paul Pribbenow, were inspired
by the initiative known as
Pribbenow’s Ideas for Student
Success (PISS), which compiled
ways the administration can
support its largest constituency.
Suggestions
to
be
implemented include hiring 50
Mike Grewes, recruiting more
attractive people and legalizing
marijuana on campus. The
initiative is a follow-up to the
Sharing, Helping, Integrating in
Technology (SHIT) action plan
from past year. “SHIT and PISS
have been critical to Augsburg’s
progress,” said an anonymous
source.
PISS called on community
members to submit ideas
online, which were later
transcribed onto sticky notes
at a luncheon scheduled
during class time. “We’re more
comfortable talking about
student success when there
are literally no students in the
room,” said Dean of Students
Sarah Griesse. “It’s consistent
with our mission of being small
help to our students.”
The initiative began with
a clerical error, according to
the president’s office. “Beth
is new here, and she ordered
too many sticky notes - an
order of magnitude too many,”
said Pribbenow. “I sat in my
spacious office and thought,
‘what am I going to do with all
these goddamn sticky notes?’’
“Though, come to think of it,
their weak adhesive symbolizes
our anemic commitment to the
project,” Pribbenow added.
PISS’ initial 500 idea goal
seemed daunting according to
staff members. “We weren’t
sure if we could gather 5,000
ideas,” said one participant,
“but as things got off the
ground, the goal of 50,000
ideas seemed more feasible...the
project finally gave all the deans
something to do.”
Sources
report
that
the college’s dozens of
underworked, cozily employed
deans were ecstatic when given
the task of coming up with
500,000 ideas. At last count, the
online form had collected nearly
5 million ideas, according to
Google.
The number of ideas chosen
by the Provost was intended
to demonstrate dedication to
the task, and was not in any
way arbitrary. “I said to Karen
[Kaivola], ‘what’s the biggest
number you can think of?’”
Pribbenow explained. “And
look at us now: our idea-tostudent ratio of 1,250:1 is the
best among ACTC schools.”
Previous movements for
change on campus were not as
well received. These include
last year’s presentation of
the 95 Theses, a collection of
student concerns coordinated
by the Augsburg Day Student
G ove r n me nt.
St ude nt
advocates delivered the near100 concerns in person, and
many demonstrated outside
Pribbenow’s door to protest
the lack of change.
“Theses, not feces!” shouted
student government members,
hurling fecal matter as a
symbol.
Augsburg’s leaders are intent
on carrying out the suggestions
this time. “Our students will be
smoking hot, and just in time
for our sesquicentennial year”
said Ann Garvey Vice President
of Student Affairs.
The admissions department
plans to refocus recruiting
efforts by tabling at beauty
pageants and modeling
agencies. “Increasing the
attractiveness of the student
body is critical to hit our
retention targets,” said Vice
President of Enrollment
William Mullen.
Administration even promised
to improve communication
channels for important decisions
concerning the student body. An
email titled “Studetn Concerhs
are Takeh Srsly” [sic] was sent
out to staff and faculty, and
the cabinet has agreed that
messenger ravens will replace
email as the official form of
communication. “‘Dark wings,
dark words,’ as they say in
Westeros,” said film professor
Wes Ellenwood. “I sure hope
this all turns out better than the
Red Wedding did for the Starks.”
Augsburg’s Bored of Regents
weighed in on the results of the
recent diversity and inclusion
study conducted by an outside
consulting firm. “Students
value including people of color
in authority positions, and that’s
great,” said Bored Chair Paul
Mueller. However, he discussed
the need to maintain the almost
exclusively white, wealthy,
Lutheran group’s homogeneity.
“It allows us to blend in with
the snow 6 months out of the
year, in case a student looks
up from Trivia Crack long
enough to question our Lowest
Yearly™ tuition increase.”
The suggestion to hire 50
Mike Grewes has gained
traction
with
Human
Resources, which began a
wide search for candidates
closely resembling the CAO codirector in skill set, appearance
and personality. “We’ve made
some cuts,” acknowledged HR
Manager Lisa Stock, “but we’re
optimistic that hiring 50 Mike
Grewes will solve most, if not
all of the problems on campus.”
The biology department had
even considered cloning Grewe,
though that may have to wait
until the CSBR is completed in
2316.
The legalization of marijuana
on campus was another change
that took many by surprise.
As a dank haze rolled across
the quad visible from the
president’s office, Pribbenow
noted how the initiative fits into
Augsburg’s greater strategy,
namely the Strategic Vision’s
mandate to be ‘Green by 2019.’
“I have high hopes for these
joint efforts,” Pribbenow said,
lighting up and reclining behind
his desk. “They’ll bring many
benefits all rolled up into one,
and that’s putting it bluntly.”
Campus to adjust building hours for student
demand
Bryce Kadrlik, Contributor
As the spring term approaches
its close, campus authorities have
decided to announce a shocking
change:
For the first time, building
hours will be adjusted to match
student demand.
When asked what prompted
this landmark decision, one
official stated they were
“constantly being hounded by
students requesting that the
buildings be open when they
ACTUALLY needed them, or
something silly like that, and
finally I decided that I’d had
enough.”
Starting with the 2015 fall
term, several key campus
buildings will have new hours
of operation to fit as many
students’ schedules as possible,
while also keeping the costs of
operation as low as possible.
The Lindell Library will
face some of the most dramatic
adjustments. After carefully
tracking the busiest hours of the
day based on student visits, and
checking the numbers against
the cost of student and faculty
now have fob access, shutting
down at 9 p.m. every night,
and restarting every morning
at 8 a.m. When asked what
residents would do if they
"...lukewarm supper
will be available from 4
p.m–6 p.m."
employment, officials have
settled on the hours they feel
will best serve the campus. The
library will be open Mondays
through Fridays from 3 p.m.–8
p.m., will be closed entirely on
Saturdays, and will be open
from 12 a.m.–3 a.m. Sunday
mornings.
The residence halls on
campus remain operational
at the same times for the
most part, barring Urness
and Mortensen, which will
were to be locked out of their
respective halls, officials replied
that “maybe somebody will
finally put all those chairs in the
Urn-Mort Lobby to good use.”
Christensen Center will have
its hours adjusted to match
those of Urness and Mortensen.
Additionally, the cafeteria
in the Commons will adjust
meal availability times. Hot
breakfast will be open from 8
a.m.–9:30 a.m., hot lunch will
be available from 12:30 p.m.–1
p.m. and lukewarm supper will
be available from 4 p.m–6 p.m.
During these hours, the
cafeteria will be staffed much
as it is currently is. However,
officials reassured us that
between these hours students
would still be able to access
food, though there will be no
employees staffed during these
times, there will be a large,
unsupervised bowl of lettuce
on one of the tables, along with
a tray of stale Rice Krispie bars.
Sverdrup Hall will not
have any changes in building
hours, but several areas within
Sverdrup will have changes
in availability. The Financial
Aid offices/Enrollment Center
will be open during chapel
time and from 1-p.m.–1:45 p.m.
on Mondays, Tuesdays and
Wednesdays, will be closed on
Thursdays, and will be open
from 7 a.m.–8 a.m. and from
3 p.m.–3:15 p.m. on Fridays.
Additionally, the Honors
Lounge on the second floor of
Sverdrup, which is currently
open for the same hours as the
building as a whole, will have its
hours adjusted.
Officials say that they have
heard particularly often from
Honors students regarding
the delightful tendency to be
kicked out by officers from the
Department of Public Safety,
and that has also motivated
their decisions regarding the
Lounge’s hours. In the future,
it will be open from 9 a.m.–12
p.m. and from 5 p.m.–6 p.m.,
with DPS officers clearing the
lounge of students every thirty
minutes.
When asked what students
in his Liberating Letters course
would do about their exams,
which are hosted in the Honors
Lounge, Professor Bob Groven
simply replied, “Good luck.”
FLEA FARM
Aren’t we funny?
Page 3
Eat processed foods: they’re good for you!
Blair Stewig, High Fructose Corn
Syrup
This past week at Augsburg,
a famous speaker by the name
of Jonathon Bucklewitz spoke
on the health and nutrition for
college students. This highly
accredited man has spoken
at Harvard and Yale, and he
conducts his world-renowned
research in Johns Hopkins
finest facilities. This man
has had over 43,000 papers
published in scientific journals
and is well sought after as a
personal nutritionist.
He is most famous for
his recent work researching
processed and unprocessed
foods. His discovery will
change your life and change
the world. He looked at how
the body breaks down both raw
and heavily processed foods
by looking at how the body
will respond when fed each of
these different types of foods.
He found that, after numerous
years of research, processed
foods are actually better for
your body.
Bucklewitz explained his
theory by stating, “processed
foods are easier for the body to
break down. This gives one’s
body the ability to consume
more food and, thus, more
energy in one sitting and, in
turn, a full day. Why would one
not want to fuel their body with
more energy?”
When asked about his
thoughts on unprocessed and
whole foods, he simply said,
“Raw foods require much more
energy to break down and
therefore force your body to
become energy deficient. Why
would one want to be tired all
the time from not eating enough
processed foods?”
Many are concerned that his
theory is not plausible. But the
research and the results just
make sense. When he spoke to
Augsburg student athletes, he
emphasized the importance of
eating fast food the night before
and the day of competitions.
“It’s important that you
fuel your body correctly,”
Bucklewitz said. “The more
calories you eat and the more
processed that fuel is, the more
equipped you are to perform at
your fullest potential.”
The trainers loved this advice!
Processed foods are much
cheaper than unprocessed
foods; this means that they will
be able to actually supply sports
teams with the adequate foods
to refuel their athletes. Thus,
athletes can look forward to
Mountain Dew. The famous
“Dirty Polar Bear” Frap from
Einstein’s will be the new
popular beverage. For food,
they can look forward to lots
of potato chips and more
fast food from Taco Bell and
McDonalds.
Bucklewitz did not only
address the importance of
heavily processed foods for the
athletes but the entire student
body. He was appalled at the
cafeteria and the food provided
by A’viands. They offered way
too many vegetable choices,
which were badly cooked in
the first place. He simply thinks
that Augsburg needs to have
higher calorie choices as well
as high quality choices of these
processed foods to further entice
the students to eat them.
He did emphasize two
PHOTO CREDIT: OHNOTHEYDIDNT.LIVEJOURNAL.COM
main points of good nutrition
for a college student. For
example, water should never
be consumed because it is so
low in calories. One does not
maximize their caloric intake
by consuming something with
no calories. Not only that, but
the hydration water gives you
is nothing compared to that of
Mountain Dew and other high
calorie beverages that contain
not only water but many other
enhancing ingredients.
His next point was that
we should avoid fruits and
vegetables that are low in
calories at all costs. They do
not supply enough calories for
the amount of micronutrients
that you gain from these foods.
Instead, you should consume
as many high calorie foods as
possible and take supplements
in order to get the amount
of nutrients that one needs.
Why would one want to
take up stomach space with
meaningless foods like fruits
and vegetables?
This speaker made many
very good points and has forced
change to occur at Augsburg
and around the world. This
man is really making history
and changing how we look at
nutrition and food intake for the
better.
Top 5 character guys your team MUST sign in
free agency
Aaron Hernandez’s biggest fan
With free agency looming in
the NFL, and with the media
attention the NFL has gotten
in the past year for all the classact men in the league, here is a
look at the top 5 players your
team should be trying to sign
as both on-field performers and
off-field role models. Criteria
for this list are fairly simple.
First, the player must be a free
agent, obviously. Second, they
must have been fined and/
or suspended by the league at
some point for their incredible
acts of humility and kindness.
That’s all it takes.
5. Bernard Pierce
Former Ravens running back
and current Jaguar, Bernard
Pierce was released by the team
after being arrested on March
18 for DUI and speeding in
a Baltimore suburb. Pierce
was picked up off waivers by
Jacksonville, proving again
that the NFL only employs
upstanding citizens. The best
part of Pierce’s story is the fact
that he told police before being
arrested that he was worried
the Ravens were going to cut
him. No one can be certain, but
one would venture to guess he
would still be a Raven had he
just called a cab that night.
4. John Boyett
You probably haven’t ever
heard his name unless you
are a die-hard NFL fan, but
former Broncos safety John
Boyett is best, and only, known
for his character. The 25-yearold former 6-round draft pick
by the Colts has a colorful
history of run-ins with law
enforcement. On Oct. 22,
2014, Boyett was arrested in a
Denver suburb after reportedly
punching and head-butting a
cab driver, stealing a shovel
from a construction site, and
trying to hide from police by
covering himself in mulch. He
urged police to call his boss, hall
of famer and Broncos General
Manager, John Elway. Elway
released Boyett before he could
post bail the following day.
This wasn’t Boyett’s first
act of humility. About a year
prior, while a member of the
Colts, Boyett was arrested in an
Indianapolis bar for refusing to
leave after being kicked out. He
again told police they couldn’t
arrest him because he played
for the Colts. He is certainly
someone you want on your
practice squad. Hell, I say give
him big money and move him
to the active roster.
3. Terrence Cody
Terrence “Mount” Cody is
another player to watch out
for this offseason. The former
second-round pick of the
Baltimore Ravens reminded
us a little bit of Michael Vick
when he was indicted for
animal cruelty and two counts
of misdemeanor drug charges
on Feb. 2. He currently faces
15 counts and 2 felony charges
for having possession of an
illegal alligator. The felony
charges come from the death
of one of his dogs, in which an
investigation is still ongoing.
This is great publicity for a
360-pound, unproductive, out
of shape player like Mount
Cody who is hoping for a
chance with another team. It’s
going to be difficult to go on
free agent visits from a cell.
2. Greg Hardy
“The Kraken” comes in at
number two on our list for
his brilliant act of honor last
offseason. The former Panther
and current Cowboy was
arrested on two misdemeanor
charges of domestic violence
after he allegedly assaulted
and threatened his now exgirlfriend. The girlfriend said
Hardy dragged her into a
bedroom and threw her on a
pile of shotguns and assault
rifles he said were loaded. The
part that makes this case really
interesting is that Hardy denies
anything happened that night.
As his story goes, he never
laid a hand on the woman,
but they did have a heated
argument. He was found guilty
in both counts, but charges
were dropped. He was arguably
the best available player in
free agency this season. He
only played in one game last
season after being placed on
the commissioner’s exempt
list, which is the same thing
that happened to honorable
mention Adrian Peterson. He
was signed to a one-year, non-
guaranteed contract with the
Cowboys a few weeks ago. This
is viewed as a "short leash” deal,
meaning he could be done if he
steps out of line again. Whether
he did it or not is questionable,
but someone who nicknames
himself after a sea monster
might not be the most honest of
company, either.
1. Tim Tebow
If there is anyone who should
be signed strictly on character
alone, it’s the man formerly
known as “Denver Jesus.”
Tebow hasn’t played football
since being cut by the Patriots
before the 2013 regular season
began, but has reportedly been
working with Tom Brady’s
throwing coach to try to make
a comeback. He even had a
workout with the Eagles last
week, so a deal could be coming
for Tebow. One thing is for sure,
if your team signs one of the
other guys on the list, you better
hope they nab Tebow as well
to help level things out in the
“character” department.
LLAMAS
There’s a serious one on this page.
Page 4
Augsburg to ban the use of restrooms
on campus
Del M. Logeais, Features Editor
There has been a lot of
controversy
surrounding
restrooms, their intended users,
and their placement (or the lack
thereof) on Augsburg’s campus
the past couple of months
and beyond. Now, Augsburg
administration is teaming up
with Residence Life in order
to officially ban the use of
restrooms on campus in order
to promote the safety of all
students and faculty.
It was just this past semester
that gender-neutral bathrooms
were installed in every building
on campus, save Urness Hall,
where most first-year students
reside. Some of these genderneutral bathrooms, designated
for individuals of any gender
identity or the lack thereof, and
equipped with individual stalls,
were littered with signs, posted
by the dean of students, that
read as follows: “This restroom
is appropriate for individual
use. Please lock the door behind
you.”
The signs, not suggesting but
instead demanding individuals
to lock the restroom doors, in
part imply that transgender/
non-binary individuals are
too dangerous or hypersexual
to use the restroom alongside
cis-folks, and thus they should
be isolated. The signs may
as well have read as follows:
“Cis-individuals beware. A
transgender or non-binary
person might be lurking in
this bathroom, waiting and
absolutely intending to prey on
or sexually assault you.”
At the same time, however, it
is absolutely valid, for example,
if a female identified cis-person
to feel discomfort if a male
identified cis-person were
to enter the restroom space
alongside her. It is for these
reasons that Residence Life and
Augsburg administration are
taking action.
“You can’t please anybody
around here! Trans and nonbinary individuals are always
pouting, and constantly
whining for safe places to
use the restroom, visibility,
inclusivity, yada, yada,”
said one Residence Life
staff member. “So we throw
them a bone. We give them
a restroom in most every
building. A whole restroom!
Very generous on our behalf.
The dean puts a silly sign on
the door, and now they’re
worked up again. It’s ludicrous.
What do they think Augsburg
stands for? Representation and
equality? Safety and comfort?
Ridiculous.”
“Something had to be done.
We knew that,” added an
Augsburg administrator. “We
couldn’t keep up with making
sure every student and faculty
member felt comfortable,
so we’re choosing to give up
instead. No more restrooms.
Period. It’s better this way.”
Some concern has been
expressed by students aware of
the impending change, as some
of them spend as many as 24
hours a day on campus, and feel
the desire to use the restroom as
often as every four hours.
“I am a cis-gender woman,
and not only do I study here.
I live here. For Augsburg to
completely neglect my inherent
bodily function as a human
being. . . for them to refuse me
a space to use the restroom:
It’s sick. I feel overwhelmingly
invalidated,” remarked one
second-year student.
“I’ve stopped eating Taco
Bell in preparation. I have
plans to walk a whole block to
use a restroom suited for me, a
cis-male. It’s torture,” claimed
another student.
“I find the situation
completely hilarious,” added
an anonymous genderqueer
identified first-year. “The
whole fucking Western world
is in a rut. Transgender and
non-binary folks are not being
provided for. I knew that, and I
come to Augsburg and expect it
to be different, and it’s just not. I
used to have to ride the elevator
eighteen flights in order to pee
someplace I felt safe. And that is
something that Augsburg needs
to deal with— something they
need to face and fix. Instead
they’re just shutting down, I
guess. Avoiding the real issue
here. Pretty fucking typical.”
“I will say, however, I am
very much enjoying hearing
all these cis-individuals bitch
and moan about not having a
place to use the restroom. It’s
like “welcome to our world.”
It’s something I’ve lived with
everyday for years. Suddenly
they have to deal with the same
situation, and you’d think it was
dawn of the next ice age. I guess
it’s easy for them to forget,” they
added.
We found Waldo, but where’s Putin?
Abby Tetzlaff, Staff Writer
Vladimir Putin, president of
the Russian Federation, also
known as the instigator of the
Crimea Crisis occurring earlier
in the year, is missing. He hasn’t
been seen in Moscow or visiting
another leader. He’s not riding
bears shirtless, not diving for
museum pottery, nada. And no
one is talking.
None of his staff or upper
officials commented on his
whereabouts. Putin cancelled
meetings within his own
government and diplomats
from other states with no
explanation.
The Russian people have
reacted to their missing
statesman in numerous ways.
Many blasted the rumors
and gossip through social
media such as Twitter with
hashtags like #putinisdead, or
#putinmissing to try to shed
light on the subject.
Some theorists believe that
he is being cured of cancer,
but everyone knows Putin is a
germaphobe and health addict.
Some say he is in the Swiss
Alps with his girlfriend as she
delivers their baby. This is
possible, but unlikely. Putin as
a father? Yikes. Others who are
more politically driven suggest
Putin was quietly attacked by
a coup. A quiet coup, you say?
There has been so such thing.
Is he visiting with North
Korean leader Kim Jong Un?
He too has disappeared without
a trace several times in recent
years. The two could be playing
hookie from their respective
governments to watch movies
censored to their collective
general public. It seems like
Putin’s ideal image of time off
is wrestling some wild animal,
so it’s doubtful that he has the
patience to sit through a single
Hollywood movie, let alone a
marathon of them.
With all other possibilities
accounted for, this leaves only
one reasonable answer that has
enough evidence to stand up:
Putin has gone into the closet.
The closet is a very dark place,
which makes sense because
there are no windows. No
wonder Putin’s staff couldn’t
find him. Being a former KGB
official, he probably knows all
the good hiding spots behind
the Russian-made wool parkas
and babushkas with expert
precision.
Hell, if he can swim with
sharks and cuddle a tiger, his
powers of invisibility must have
kicked in somewhere during
middle age. Putin is probably
so damn good at hiding, that
after his staff gave up looking
for him during a game of hideand-seek around the Kremlin,
they just left him, assuming
he’d reappear within the hour.
Putin, with his training and
knowledge of military practices,
must have sat in that musty,
dark portal. Perhaps he gained
some perspective toward the
experience of how the people
he imprisoned felt. Just kidding,
probably not.
However, is there a more
euphemistic meaning to
Putin’s retreat to the closet? Is
Putin trying to tell his country
something? Is he silently
screaming for liberation?
How perfectly ironic to have
the world leader in anti-gay
propaganda hiding in a closet.
How about that for a gay
agenda?
However, even with this
most accurate and up-todate information, there are
few clues as to exactly how
or why Putin is in a closet
at the Kremlin. Many point
to coded and not-so-coded
interviews posted on Youtube.
They are even so direct, that
simply typing “Putin,” into the
search bar, automatic answers
appear stating “I am gay.” The
authenticity of these videos is
undeniably credible, but when
will he tell the world?
For Russia and the rest of
civilization, we must wait
somewhat patiently for answers.
We must wait for Putin to come
out of the closet and explain
himself.
PONY RIDES
JUST KIDDING!
Page 5
Board of Regents approves high house
A Native Coloradoan
After plans to break ground
on the new CSBR came out,
Augsburg Board of Regents
also approved another, more
realistic, building plan to
complement the CSBR. The
Pribbenow Smoke Den will
begin construction the very
same day as CSBR.
The building is a part of
Augsburg’s “Green by 2019”
initiative and Pribbenow’s
Ideas for Student Success
(PISS), is an effort to finally
legalize marijuana in the state
of Minnesota. The building
will essentially be a rather
large, open room with couches,
chairs, video games, netflix and
a whole lot of tidied posters on
the walls, with separate study
rooms for those who like to
medicate before they study.
It will also have retractable
sunroofs to avoid “getting too
turnt,” said one board member.
The “Green by 2019”
initiative was originally meant
to reduce the college’s overall
carbon footprint, but the
“green” part has expanded to so
much more than that.
The building will be named
in honor of current Augsburg
president, Paul Pribbenow, who
heads the effort to complete the
project. “I’m honored to have a
building named after me on this
great campus,” Pribbenow said.
“We ‘bout [sic] to turn up, bro.”
Au g s b u r g
C ol le ge
Department of Public Safety
confiscates over half a pound
of marijuana each school year
(that is actually true), with most
individual cases coming in
amounts less than two grams,
so embracing the idea and
having a designated smoking
area may just be a good idea.
The college will also
implement
new
major
programs to help with the
expenses faced by the CSBR
and the Pribbenow Smoke
Den. Marijuana studies will
be available as a declared
major after the two have been
completed. The program will
consist of growing, caring for
and using marijuana in multiple
ways. The CSBR will actually
feature a greenhouse where as
many as 200 marijuana plants
will be grown by students
at one time. The program
will take students through
the process of making edible
marijuana candies, brownies,
cookies and much more. At this
point, pretty much everything
goes.
The board said they are not
worried about the possibility
that the plant will not be
legalized by the completion date
in 2019. They say their biggest
concern at this point is finding
qualified professors to come to
Minnesota from Colorado and
Washington that have prior
arrest records pertaining to
marijuana.
There will be required
business classes involved in
the major program as well.
Those classes will involve both
legal and other methods of
entrepreneurship. The science
courses attached to the major
will be a wide range of biology,
chemistry, botany and other
classes.
The part students should be
excited about is the fact that
Einstein’s and Nabo will offer
edibles and plant marijuana at
a discounted rate. As a native
Coloradoan (which is also true),
I can personally attest to the
amount of money the school
and generate from this great
idea. President Pribbenow
finally outdid himself with this
one.
Urness Hall residents to be locked out for
the remainder of the academic year
Del M. Logeais, Features Editor
This year, as well as in a
number of years past, Urness
Hall residents were locked out
of the building (Urness) for
the Thanksgiving, winter and
spring breaks. First-years were
forced to leave campus—the
reason for this being, according
to Residence Life, that the firstyear students, animalistic in
demeanor, and a whole year
younger than some of the rest
of Augsburg’s students, could
not be trusted to remain in
the building with class out of
session. Now, Residence Life
plans to keep this group of
rowdy youngsters locked out of
Urness for the remainder of the
academic year.
The building will be locked
today, and Urness residents will
be completely unable to access
their rooms and belongings
until the first week in May.
They will, however, still be
required to pay the full cost for
room and board. A Residence
Life staff member had this to
say about the coming change:
“At this point, we really
have no other choice. They’re
like animals in there. Late at
night, when I’m in my office
alone, sending various emojis
to my pastor’s step-mother, I
can hear them: participating
in underage drinking in their
rooms. Smoking devil weed.
Listening to rap music. Having
pre-marital sex. Each and every
one of them. It’s a fact. They’re
out of control. We can’t let this
go on.”
“The opportunity for them to
party is just too great,” another
staff member added. “It’s no
longer a risk we’re willing to
take. They’re just too young.
Students residing in Mortensen,
Luther and Anderson Halls are
very much matured, some of
them as old as 19, 20 and 21.
Most Urness Hall residents are
just 18 and 19! It’s an outrage.
How can we let these young
people, old enough to marry,
sign legal contracts, be sued in
court, go to war and vote, live
on their own unsupervised?
Next thing you know, they’ll be
asking for the installment of a
gender-neutral floor in Urness
in order to ensure the safety
and comfort of non-binary and
transgender students. It’s sick.”
The first-year students, many
of them only somewhat aware
of the impending lockout,
were completely stunned upon
being asked about how they
plan to proceed as students at
Augsburg.
“So what, they’re going to
lock up my textbooks and my
laptop in there? Cool,” said
one first-year student. “Will I
be able to grab my fla-bong-o
[a lawn-ornament resembling
a flamingo used for drinking
excessive amounts of alcohol]
before this goes down? This
has got to be because of that
kid who keeps shitting in the
showers. Maybe we won’t have
to eat at A’viands anymore,” the
student added.
“I don’t understand. I literally
don’t understand. Should I call
my parents?” said another firstyear student.
“Once, I got high in the East
stairwell. It was kind of a creepy
place to be, and it smelled like
crackers. After my second hit,
the black marks on the stairs
turned into little monsters, and
they started mutilating each
other. I guess I won’t be too
bummed to leave,” remarked
yet another Urness Hall
resident.
Residence Life has plans to
confiscate all of the first-years’
belongings, and sell them for
profit. With the money, the staff
members plan on redecorating
the Residence Life office to
resemble the cafe “Central
Perk” from the hit TV sitcom
“Friends.”
Allegedly, the Residence
Life staff will proceed to dress
up as characters from the
show—Ross, Phoebe, Rachel,
Chandler, Joey and Monica,
among others—and reenact
scenes from their favorite
“Friends” episodes.
SWINE FLU
Knock, knock.
CWC replaces therapy dogs with
therapy spiders
Jens Pinther, All Hope Is Lost
The Center for Wellness and
Counseling (CWC), formally
known as CCHP, decided
to take a new approach in
comforting the Augsburg
community.
The
CWC
invited 75 spiders to visit
the Christensen Center last
Wednesday.
“She’s all legs!” CWC
Administrative
Assistant
Dianne Detloff said of the
nearest arachnid, allegedly
named Charlotte.
According to Wikipedia,
spiders are the seventh most
diverse species in all known
organisms. “This commitment
to diversity,” Detloff said, “is
what makes spiders the perfect
choice for a campus as diverse
as Augsburg’s.”
Among the many species of
spiders brought to campus, the
favorites included the Lattice
Orbweaver, Red Folding Door
Trapdoor and Giant Crab
spiders.
The Black Widow was
considered, but Director of Public
Safety and Risk Management
Scott Brownell warned against it.
“It’s just too risky,” he said. “We
tend to racially profile our spiders
and—wait, are you writing this
down?”
Although the CWC did
bring in Australian favorites
like the Clock Spider and the
Huntsman, the Center stayed
as local as possible. “We tried
to focus on primarily North
American species of spiders,”
Detloff said. “It’s better for
the earth. Shipping spiders
from New Zealand can be
costly both financially and
environmentally.”
“I like it when they crawl in
my mouth,” said Sean Evenson,
a senior. “They taste like
safety.”
When asked about her
favorite part of the spiders,
senior Lia Jacobson said, “Their
hearts.”
It’s not just the students who
are in favor of the eight-legged
companions. Director of News
and Media Services Stephanie
Weiss said the spiders would
be great for public relations.
“When I see these spiders, I
just want to hear their personal
narratives. They have such
interesting backgrounds!”
Charlotte the Wolf Spider
gave Weiss her business card
and said, “Click click, ftfftftfft,
click.”
Charlotte pointed out
that bees are much more
dangerous than spiders, and
she felt that the stigma against
In a coup de tat that surprised
the world, Kevin Spacey, who
has henceforth taken the name
of Francis Underwood, gained
control of the White House and
was declared the 45th President
of the United States by Congress
on March 23. The coup was a
quick one as many Underwood
supporters rushed the White
House in overwhelming
numbers. Former President
Barack Obama and his
family were asked to leave
the White House peacefully
by Underwood and, after a
heavy argument, did just that,
suitcases in hand.
When asked why he initiated
the coup, Underwood replied,
“I felt that 'House of Cards'
has given me the political
leverage and backing necessary
to launch this campaign
successfully. I’ve heard nothing
but support for this institution
since I arrived.”
Yet, there have been
numerous reports of protests
across the country, calling for
Underwood’s impeachment and
imprisonment.
“Underwood’s presidency is
highly unconstitutional. He is
sitting in the presidency without
a single vote cast in his name.
He needs to be stopped.”
In his first State of the Union
address, Underwood claimed
that his first course of action
would be similar to that of his
character on “House of Cards,”
in that he would be reforming
social security and trying to
produce jobs for those in need.
“Job security is one of
the biggest problems in this
country, and it needs to be
fixed,” said Underwood. “I
believe I have a solution to do
just that.”
While Underwood wasn’t
clear on exactly what that
solution would be, he seemed to
Upcumming
Augsburg
Events
Monday, March 30
“Sorry About All This,”
a Board of Regents
Presentation
All Day
Suite 100
Oren Gateway Center
PHOTO CREDIT: WWW.SCIENCEDAILY.COM
spider companionship was
inappropriate for the times.
“Click fttftftftf click click,” she
said. “Ftft—click click [weird
hum].”
“Charlotte has a point,” Vice
President of Student Affairs
Ann Garvey said. “If we are
working to be more inclusive,
that needs to include meeting
our spiders where they’re at—
the basement, the tool shed
or anywhere in Luther Hall,
honestly.”
When asked what happened
to the traditional therapy dogs,
Detloff said, “That Great Dane
was cute, but way too much
for people. We wanted to make
sure people felt safe and at ease
during this trying time.”
Evenson muffled something
in response to Detloff, but
nobody could hear him because
he had a tarantula in his mouth.
“I miss the dogs,” said
alumnus and dog enthusiast
Anthony Brousseau. “But you
know what? We all need a hug
from an arachnid the side of
a dinner plate. Think of how
many arms that is—that’s like
four hugs at the same time.”
The mosquitos, moths and
crickets of campus declined to
comment, and actually, they
took the Green Line to Hamline
because fuck that.
Kevin Spacey declared 45th President of
the United States
Nick Pell, Staff Writer
Page 6
have most of the country behind
him, at least in the polls. Initial
reactions to his speech were
positive, with roughly 80% in
support of Underwood.
Along with his plan on social
security, Underwood also
declared March 25, the day of
his speech, as National Free
Ice Cream Day, promising
financial compensation to ice
cream vendors on this day to
make up for their lost profits. He
also declared March 23 as Day
of the Ribs as a tribute to his
“House of Cards” character.
The last thing Underwood
addressed in his speech was his
placement on the Netflix show
“House of Cards,” announcing
that he would be continuing
as the show’s star until its final
season in 2017.
“The show is something
which I owe a great deal to,”
Underwood said. “It has
projected me onto the map in
recent years, and I believe it to
be one of the main reasons I am
in the President’s seat.”
World leaders are generally
supportive of the Underwood
regime, seeing it as a “United
States with some potential,”
according to Russian President
Vladimir Putin. Some in the
European Union, however, see
it as a “mockery of democracy,”
and believe the American
people should “rise up and take
back their liberty,” according to
Britain’s Prime Minister David
Cameron.
The coming days, weeks
and months will tell much
about the country’s reaction to
Underwood’s newfound power.
Whether he will settle in as
America’s first dictator or allow
the torch to pass to another
in four years, the country lies
in wait to see if the Francis
Underwood of reality can
compete productively with the
Underwood of television.
Someday, When Pigs Fly
Ground-Breaking for CSBR
??? a.m.
Where the Community
Gardens Are :(
Wednesday, March 32
That Fucking Starbucks
Vending Machine Actually
Works For Once
12 a.m., when nobody is
allowed in the bulding
Basement
Christensen Center
Monday, April 20
Focused Conversation:
To Put It Bluntly
4:20 p.m.
Marshall Room
Christensen Center
Auggies “Connect” with
“Employers”
6 to 9 p.m.
Suite 100
Christensen Center
ANIMAL POO
It’s the joke issue.
Page 7
Auggie Eagle to be featured in upcoming video game
Andrew Jewell, Staff Writer
Augsburg gamers got the treat
of a lifetime this last week as
indie designer Scott Cawthon
announced the inclusion of a
familiar face on his next project
in the popular “Five Nights At
Freddy’s” franchise. Auggie
Eagle, renowned statewide
for his cold, dead eyes and
terrifying visage, has been
tapped to appear as one of the
possessed animatronics in the
new game.
“I wanted to make a game set
in a small liberal-arts college,
and when I saw Auggie, I knew
Augsburg was the school I was
looking for,” said Cawthon of
his decision-making process. “I
just looked at his mangy, aging
costume and knew that this was
the perfect lieutenant for Freddy
Fazbear.”
The game will focus around
a DPS officer trapped in the
abandoned science building
after the construction of CSBR.
Though different in tone from
the previous installments in the
series, Cawthon was confident
that “Five Nights at Auggie’s”
would be just as terrifying as the
previous games in the series.
“When I saw the late-forties
asylum look of the Science
building, I loved it immediately.
The peeling plaster, ducttaped windows and yellowed
glass will make it a more
conventional horror-game
experience, of course, but I
think with Auggie’s inclusion
it will be just as innovative as
my previous games have been,”
Cawthon said.
PPP expressed his excitement
at the publicity. “I really think
that this game will get the
message out to the youth of
the nation that Augsburg is a
school worth coming to!” PPP
said. “That young gentleman
even says he’s found a way to
work Auggie Eagle into the
game. We get to use it as a
promotional material for any
visiting students, so I think that
the plan right now is to give a
copy out to everyone who stays
overnight. That way, they’ll
really have a way to see what
the school is like. It’ll be just
like allowing every prospective
student to stay overnight for five
nights instead of just one — the
real Augsburg experience.”
Cawthon explored the
campus thoroughly while
researching to create the game,
and says that the game will
feature a thorough recreation of
the late-night environment on
campus.
“I think that the seemingly
arbitrary and variable times
that the doors lock will give the
game an added challenge,” said
the creator. “In the game, you’ll
never be able to rely on any
given door being open or locked
at any particular time—just like
in real life. It’s an innovation
that’s even missing from many
of the most popular horror
games. When I saw fear in the
eyes of students rushing to get
inside minutes before the doors
might lock, I knew I had to have
this in my next game.”
Although most students on
campus seemed benevolent to
the idea, some people voiced
their concerns about the game.
“In the past, [Cawthon’s]
games were fun because of
how real they felt,” said one
student who preferred to remain
anonymous. “Have you ever
tried getting into a building
after 11 p.m.? Clamped closed
tighter than my dad’s asshole.
The realism just won’t be there
in this game, and I can’t see it
going anywhere.”
Like it or not, the deal is set
to proceed. Cawthon states that
the game will be ready before
the college search season really
gets into full swing. “Of course,
Auggie is already there for the
students at Augsburg—and if
they’re anything like me, he’s
there, haunting their dreams
every night.”
Well-endowed Augsburg perpetuates
PP through the arts
Tingus Maningus, Augsburg
Student Historical Art
Para-Professional
In an effort to further
Au g sb u rg’s
m i ssion ,
administration, in conjunction
with the Art Department
and Augsburg Galleries, has
decided to make duplicates of
the large sperm installation
which currently sits on the first
floor of the Lindell Library,
right outside of the Tech Desk
and Multi-Media Lab.
The tall piece stands erect
in the middle of an important
juncture in Lindell. One cannot
help but be confronted fullfacedly by the upright floating
sperm when traversing to other
destinations. If one must go to
the bathroom on the first floor,
they must walk past the sperm.
If one needs to go to the Tech
Desk or the Multi-Media lab,
one must walk past, even dodge
dramatically, this large sperm.
If one ventures downstairs
to the basement, they must
confront and walk past this
sperm.
“I love our semen relic,”
remarked President Pat
Pribbinglow (PPP) during the
school’s most recent All-Hands
Meeting when addressing
concerns of how the sperm
might be replicated and placed
in each of the other buildings
on campus — including the
fated Semenary for Science,
Business and Religion. (SSBR).
“It is an integral reminder of
our communal vocation, it
embodies our mission, and
expresses Augsburg’s two
core values: Patriarchy and
Procreation” (PP).
“The intent of having
the piece where it is,” said
Ronald Tommy in a lengthy
snapchat conversation, “is to
have students be reminded of
Augsburg’s PP.” Tommy, whose
name is on the specimen’s
object label, is Augsburg’s
Teacher of Three Dimensional
Objects, as well as the
designated Care-Taker of the
piece.
In speaking to Augsburg’s
Trained Visual Professional
Kirstin Anderstone, though
many students walk past the
relic everyday, very few knew
until recently that the sperm
was real.
“No one knows who it
belongs to, even though some
scholars here are still arguing
about it,” she said.
Anderstone
remarked,
though, that we know the
sperm belonged to one of the
first Vikings to have landed
in the Midwest. The piece of
semen was found by a Lutheran
farmer who happened upon a
set of small hills which, in his
expertise of the land, did not
appear to be natural.
The farmer went digging and
found in the hills old Viking
burial sites containing nearlyintact ships, skeletons, jewelry
and the abnormally large
semen, which was preserved
before burial to be used as a
relic.
“We also know that the
Vikings knew exactly what
they were doing,” continued
Anderstone over an AOL
Instant Messenger interview.
“They were a prophetic people.
They knew a farmer would find
the semen and eventually start a
semenary.”
After discovering the semen
in 1869, the farmer began the
Augsburg Semenary. The
building was built using the
wood from the disintegrating
ships, just atop the burial
grounds. Meticulously placed
in what appears to be a largerthan-life rectangular petri
dish cozily surrounded by
translucent globe-shaped egg
thingies, the semen was placed
on the Semenary’s front steps.
Under the presidency of
Argust Weenarse, Augsburg’s
first president, the Seminary
moved to Minneapolis in 1872,
bringing with it the semen relic.
For many years, the
Semenary did not spawn
the vast amount of subjects
offered today. It only produced
semen. “For what exactly,” said
Tommy, “we still don’t know.
We can only speculate.”
However, after many years
of struggling to develop
sustainable practices for high
yields of semen, and to find
reasonable uses of the excessive
amounts produced each year
(especially by first-years,
according to records), women
were invited to join in 1921.
“PP cannot exist without [the
uterus],” remarked Anderstone.
“Though they tried to avoid it
for many years, the Semenary
saw that [the uterus was] their
best method for high yields,
proper storage and certainly
their most sustainable method
for the second P – Procreation.”
Thus, Augsburg’s mission to
“…perpetuate the Norwegian
Lutheranian
values
of
Patriarchy and Procreation.”
“This is why we need
replicates up in each building
ASAP,” said PPP over coffee at
Einstings’s. “With the growth
of this long-erected institution,
we need to keep these hard and
fast values alive and kicking in
Augsburg’s daily life.”
When asked how this will
happen, no one was able to say
for sure. “Though we know
how the Vikings preserved the
semen, we have no idea from
whom they were able to obtain
such a large singular piece,”
said Anderstone. “But it only
seems appropriate to obtain
it from our very own — the
planning committee is currently
in debate over whether or not
we will collect samples from our
students.”
Especially with last year’s
implementation of an annual
sperm drive, the effort should
be met in good spirit. Last
spring, Sperm Expert Anthony
Brousseau quoted students who
felt they had truly found their
vocation in producing sperm
(Volume CXX, Issue 18).
No one is sure yet, but
according to PPP, the project,
which is to be complete by 2019,
will be funded by Augsburg’s
endowment fund.
“Because we are so well
endowed,” remarked PPP,
“this campus can continue to
maintain the PP and spawn
anew.”
BB RODENTS
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Page 8
Don’t patronize me just because I’m a piece
of vertical transport equipment
Urness Hall Elevator
Hey! Yeah, I’m talking to
you. Don’t just get in, toss
your Einstein’s Bros wrapper
on my floor, and whip it out.
Your phone, that is — but also
don’t whip anything else out.
I’ve seen some shit, and it’s just
plain disrespectful. What do
I look like, a fucking garbage
receptacle? I am getting sick
and tired of being treated like
some kind of piece of metal,
like I don’t have feelings just
because I’m a non-sentient
machine.
Sorry. I’m just really worked
up. And down.
But come on, it’s supposed to
be spring for crying out loud —
how are people still tracking all
this gross slush onto my floor?
Gross. You’d be cross too if
a constant stream of ingrates
tracked a half mud, half snow
mixture across the largest
plane of your surface area all
the time. I only get mopped
once a day, at best.
Someone help me, please.
While I have witnessed
spontaneous rap battles, I
really wish someone would
take a more academic
interest in what I have to
offer. I’m waiting for the day
some students design an
experiment with confederates
who face my posterior wall,
hum loudly, or strike up real
conversations with the iPhone
zombies who frequent my
quadrilateral enclosure, subtly
recording and reporting on
the social pressures exerted
on unsuspecting riders. Think
of the research potential! The
URGO grant practically writes
itself.
Also, don’t use me as storage
for the lounge chairs. I see how
much Res Life charges for that,
and it’s not worth it, I promise.
Though it’s always interesting
when roommates drop off their
friend’s mini fridge and wait
to see how long they take to
realize.
Don’t get me wrong;
Augsburg is a great place for
a lot of reasons. Its inclusivity
and commitment to service
learning and social justice is
truly outstanding, and with
such a great student to faculty
ratio, it’s hard to beat. But
while everyone else is busy
getting excited about Augsburg
2019, I’m really having a hard
time. Just hear me out, OK?
Then you can go back to
incessantly ringing my fire bell
at midnight like a dumbass.
How am I supposed to
contribute to making Augsburg
into a new type of urban
university, small to its students
and big to the world? I don’t
even get invited to focused
conversations, convocations,
all hands meetings… oh sure,
I don’t have any hands. Way
to throw that in my face. How
come there aren’t ever any “all
pistons” meetings? Must be
some kind of exclusive “old
humanoids club.”
Come to think of it, I don’t
think there was a single
mention of lifts, conveyors,
hoists, paternosters, grain
belts, Archimedes' screws
or dumbwaiters in the entire
document. What kind of strategic
vision is that? I guess I’m not
worth much to you at all.
It really makes my hydraulic
fluid boil.
I suppose I have it good in
some ways. You know what
they always say about the
elevator business — it has its
ups and downs. Poor Science
Hall Elevator sounds like it’s
about to explode every time
someone squeezes into its
cramped interior. And Library
Rear Elevator can’t even reach
the link level — what a joke!
Talk about a bad “call” on that
one.
But at the same time,
Memorial Hall Elevator looks
like a goddamn spaceship.
Flaunting your high-tech
classic white, smooth-textured,
backlit buttons… I can’t stand
it.
How are we supposed to go
“through truth to freedom”
when I can’t even go through a
reasonable maintenance cycle?
All these lofty ideals really
push my buttons. Along with
the groups of football players
cramming the whole team in
before obnoxiously slamming
“door close.” There’s an
overload sensor for a reason!
I have to admit; sometimes
I break down on purpose. But
it’s not my fault, you know?
Sometimes life just gets really
overwhelming, whether your
mechanism is cable-borne or
hydraulic.
I’m just trying to fulfill my
vocation.
CSBR to feature “Room of Requirement”
Abigail Carpenter and
Megan Perry
Do you have trouble finding
the right room to study in? Do
none of the campus lounges
meet your student needs? Look
no further because the new
Center for Science, Business,
and Religion (CSBR) building
has the room for you. With
its recent 10 million dollar
donation, the CSBR board
has approved the addition of
Augsburg’s very own, very first
“Room of Requirement.”
“The donor, who must not
be named, gave us the money
needed to do something really
special,” said President Paul
Pribbenow.
Contractors have been
unsuccessful in drawing it
into blueprints of the building,
however.
“We can’t seem to get it to
show up on the map,” said
Pribbenow. “I was told it will
appear anyway, though.”
Because the “Room of
Requirement” takes the form
of whatever a student needs,
it will be extremely inclusive
and thus, capable of being used
by students of all academic
disciplines.
“We’re very excited for
the room’s versatility and
inclusiveness,” said Pribbenow.
“But students should be aware
that the room will only be of
access to students who really
need it.”
At a public forum held last
Friday, parents expressed
concern that the room would
simply be a place for students to
“smoke up” and “hook up,” but
Pribbenow was quick to dismiss
those concerns.
“We plan for the room to
be used purely academically,”
said Pribbenow. “It’s realistic to
think that students will abide by
this rule.”
Parents
were
quickly
convinced by his argument.
The forum was also used
to address the concern that
the “Room of Requirement”
would give students access to
an extremely leftist education,
but Pribbenow was quick to
comment.
“We are a Lutheran school
with solid Christian values,”
said Pribbenow. “Do not fear.”
When a certain, cloaked
forum-goer got heated and
questioned if his bowtie is
actually a horcrux, Pribbenow
strangely muttered the word
“Obliviate,” at which point,
these reporters can no longer
remember his answer to this
question. This only feeds the
rumor that Pribbenow will
use the room to house his
expanding (clip-on) bow tie
collection.
More money is still
needed to get CSBR started.
Pribbenow is seeking students
to join his newly formed club,
“Pribbenow’s Army,” which
works to raise awareness and
money towards the project. The
CSBR board hopes the “Room
of Requirement” will show just
how serious the project is being
taken and that donations will
come flying in.
“It will take a lot of galleons
to fund this project,” said the
Board. “Listen, if we could flick
a wand and make this money
appear, we would.”
Donations
are
being
accepted by transferring funds
to Augsburg’s account at
Gringotts Bank on Riverside.
They are encouraged, as the
“Room of Requirement” is
only the beginning of many
enchanting features the building
will hold.
“CSBR is going to be
something truly magical,” said
Pribbenow.