How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
How to Keep Love
Alive . . . At Any
Age!
Dr. Virginia Crist, Ph.D.,
LMFT
Copyright © 2012 Dr. Virginia Crist, Ph.D., LMFT
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
Dedication
To all the people in the world
who want to have a healthy love relationship
more than anything else in the world.
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
Preface
I am “The Incurable Romantic.” I was awarded this (what I
considered) strange title by my peers in my five year doctoral
program (1982-1987).
Not having been familiar with this
term/phrase before, I had no understanding of why they rolled
their eyes. Once I fully comprehended the meaning of it, I
have since worn this crown with great pride and distinction.
As others squirmed in their seats each time I used the “l” word
as though it were a four letter dirty word not to be used in
public, I sought to embrace it, explore it, and expound upon it.
I am still, all these years later, concerned that people avoid
talking about love, let alone move towards it.
Although I am more than pleased with my education, I saw
lying before me at that time a very long doctoral program on
marriage and the family, with not even one course on love.
There was everything from childhood development to
statistics, but nowhere did I see or hear a word uttered about
love. I was beyond perplexed. How would we, how could
we talk about and study marriage and the family and never
mention love as a vital and nurturing main component of
either?
I looked all over the library and even asked the librarian and
again there was not at that time one book yet written in these
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
United States on romantic love. Much to the dismay of most
of my professors, who huffed and puffed and said “Well, love
can’t be quantified, that’s why.” They said: “It’s just not
scientific enough.” “You can’t measure it,” in an effort to
dissuade me from writing my own dissertation on it. I
believed it was essential and long past due that such a book be
written. I did so, with the assistance of a very dear major
professor. It was a labor of love (with no pun on words
intended).
So, I wrote the first book on romantic love in the entire United
States. Rather noteworthy. However, I was so anxious to
begin helping people, to enter private practice, that I failed to
take an additional year to publish my book. My mistake. Big
mistake. Huge.
So, I came into South Florida, Boca Raton to be exact, as I
graduated in 1987 and began private practice knowing in my
heart, mind, soul, gut and every pore of my being how
to teach people to have healthy love relationships. I was more
excited than a kid at a carnival --- and having at least as much
fun!
At the cusp of my first year I saw, in the grocery store and
drug store checkout lines, ‘love’ and ‘sex’ both splashed
across the covers of our favorite magazines for the very first
time in the history of our country. It happened. Love and sex
had been translated from the sacred and respected halls of
academia to front cover splashes and equally popularized.
Now, still, today, all these years later, too many are confused
between the two. I have found it heart wrenching all these
years that I did not take my opportunity to present my research
on romantic love at that time. It must be even more heart
wrenching to those who have hungrily grabbed up magazine
after magazine desperately searching for answers. Love and
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
sex --- there seems to be a great deal of confusion between the
two . . . to say “How unfortunate” would be a great deal more
than an understatement.
I have had many speaking engagements all over South Florida
on “How To Keep Love Alive --- At Any Age!”
Live, on TV and radio. “I have been called “A Cheerleader
for Love,” and yet I grapple with the staggering divorce rates.
Is there one real secret in loving one another?
Will we ever learn what love is? We can only continue to
whisper to it gently, scream to it loudly, and feel it with our
souls, our most vulnerable selves, if we have any hope of truly
knowing it deeply.
“No one wants to be lonely, said the real estate
tycoon to the echoes in his empty mansion.”
Virginia Crist, Ph.D.,LMFT
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
How to Keep Love
Alive---At Any Age!
Written by Dr. Virginia Crist. Ph.D., LMFT
Copyright © 2012 Dr. Virginia Crist, Ph.D., LMFT
All rights reserved. No parts of this book may be
reproduced in any form, stored in any retrieval system or
transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic,
mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise
(except by an reviewer who may quote brief passages for
review purposes) without the written permission of the
publisher.
ISBN:
Cover design by Cheryl Rubman
Printed in the United States of America
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
What Others Are Saying About
Dr. Virginia Crist, Ph.D.,
LMFT
” For the first time in 10 years, since we first
married, I have butterflies in my tummy as though
we were dating as newlyweds. “C.K., Lake Worth,
FL
“I felt so good after talking with you. I felt so
much better when I left here. I have been calmer.
“M.C., Boca Raton, FL
“Dr. Crist is a loving and trustworthy confidante.
She has helped me find balance and guided me
through the mazes of life’s challenges for which I
will be eternally grateful.” Michelle Marvel,
Delray Beach, FL
“Before I met Dr. Crist I thought therapy would be
a waste of time, and in five years I would regret
not walking away from my marriage. After
working with her and following her suggestions I
am staying for a lifetime.” A.J., Lake Worth, FL
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
”Dr. Crist, you’re in a league of your own.” I’ve
have been to two other therapists for one session
each. There is no comparison. I would highly
recommend you.” B.Q., Coconut Creek, FL
“You are kind, compassionate and right on. In
addition, you are brilliant and dynamic. Your
passion for your work comes through. The
sessions are never boring. Always look forward to
next time!” Boca Raton, FL.
“Never before has anyone truly been there for me
when I needed them. Dr. Crist, you are a
gift. Everyone could benefit from working with
you. THANKS…” Miami Beach, Fl.
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
TABLE OF CONTENTS
VOLUME I
Preface
Chapter I
The Cinderella Syndrome
Chapter 2
So, Where Did the Love Go?
Chapter 3
So, How Do We Get It Back?
Chapter 4
5 Essential Love Tips
Summary
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
Chapter 1
“The Cinderella Syndrome”
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
How many of you believe that you dated someone completely
different than the one to whom you are now betrothed? When
you were dating, he was kind, sensitive, courteous, interested
and involved. Now, two or three years into the marriage, she
complains that he doesn’t say a word, he’s nowhere to be
found, and he withholds as he resists your demands for
attention and other needs. He claims he dated a very sweet,
fun loving, social, pleasant and engaging young lady whom he
now sees with altogether different eyes --- as a screaming,
dominant, aggressive and controlling woman, or a silent,
avoidant and withdrawn woman.
And so the power struggles begin as each tries to change the
other into the one they thought they married. This is where it
would be wise to have therapeutic intervention. You are
already in trouble. Blaming your spouse to well-meaning
friends is not the answer. They only hear your version, and as
much as they would like to help, you often put them on the
spot, and further, they are limited because they are not
professionally trained. There is usually no “good guy,” or
“bad guy” in the couple. More often than not, you have a deep
yearning to feel heard and understood. That’s why you’ve
been yelling the same things back and forth to each other 300
times --- because you want to feel heard and understood.
It’s actually one of the principle reasons we couple --- so that
we can believe one person in the world will truly hear and
understand us, will KNOW us, deeply.
You anticipate a life filled with joy, acceptance and emotional
and sexual intimacy. You believe you’ve found your soul
mate, and you probably have.
Sometimes, the Cinderella
Syndrome is what we get, so just hang on and hang in there,
because the best is yet to come.
I can’t imagine anyone loving romance more than I. However
what I have noticed is that once people marry, all the
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
romancing they did to attract one another gets put on the back
burner.
Suddenly, they roll up their sleeves as though
something in their unconscious mind says, “OK, now I’ve got
to behave responsibly.”
(As if behaving romantically is
irresponsible). And they begin their division of labor, each
going their separate ways, with great determination to be
productive. He and/or she thinks ‘I’ve got to produce X
numbers of dollars, have the correct car, attain and provide for
a home with a white picket fence, have 2.5 children and a
puppy in the yard.
All they did to make one another feel
special is no longer a priority. Remember all the other things
you used to put on the back burner so you could spend time
with this person? Now where is he or she on your list of
priorities? What happened? What happened to all that love?
Couples become strangers living in the same house together.
They don’t know each other’s hopes and interests and desires
and needs, fears or dreams anymore.
After all, we marry believing the union will enrich our lives,
do we not? No one marries thinking, “Oh boy, I can’t wait to
get married so I can be as miserable as possible!”
The Cinderella Syndrome is an interesting phenomenon. It is
a belief that as we watched those fairy tale fantasies as young
children, we integrated them or incorporated them into our
belief system, such that Prince Charming would one day
come, and he would sweep up the beautiful Princess and they
would ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever
after. We swooned in our innocence. We saw that theme
repeatedly and learned it to become truth to us. Then, we
grew up. We expect our partner to be perfect. We expect our
marriage to be perfect. Many of you have picked (selected)
the correct partner and the correct type of marriage for you.
Some of us have not yet experienced true, mature, romantic
love. The beauty of it all is that I believe we can make even
more beautiful love stories in real life. IF we WANT to. If WE
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
make it happen. Romantic love does not have to be just an
abstract ideal, just a fairytale fantasy, some unrealistic dream.
I believe we have the ability to reach it and to sustain it. I
don’t believe that it’s necessary for so many love stories to
have such unhappy endings. We actually select partners who
will complement us to work out our own issues. So Prince
Charming, aka your husband or partner with imperfections and
shortcomings in real life, and Cinderella, aka your wife or
partner with imperfections and shortcomings in real life, begin
your journey of individual and collective growth and maturity
together. Your truest job in the relationship is to bring out the
best self in the other, and by doing so, through such supportive
and compassionate love, heal previous injuries to your
partner’s self or personhood. You enhance your own personal
growth by leaps and bounds at the same time and your own
issues become more clear to you and also get resolved through
such maturity. Whew! A lot gets handled in a love
relationship, and many of you are so busy doing “life” that you
don’t even notice except perhaps in retrospect.
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
Chapter 2
So Where Did the Love Go?
But most of us have never been taught what love entails.
Look at what we’ve been taught in school --- we’re so busy,
busy, busy learning history, trigonometry, chemistry, and
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
computer languages --- all valuable in some way, it’s true but
not at all helpful in meeting the greatest personal challenge of
all --- KEEPING LOVE ALIVE, having a fulfilling, enriching
love experience.
Romantic love is one of the greatest
adventures of life, and I contend that through personal growth
and maturity, it is a possibility for each of us.
A woman complained to me that the thrill had gone out of her
relationship. “I love my husband, but I’m not in love with him
anymore. She genuinely cared about his welfare, and enjoyed
much of their time together, but she didn’t miss him while he
was away on business trips, and she found she had more
stimulating conversations with other people.
She felt no
particular need to share important thoughts and feelings with
him. In other words, he existed on the periphery of her
emotional life.
Finally, she admitted that she wondered from time to time if
there was “something more out there.” “But isn’t that what
happens in every relationship sooner or later?” she asked. I
have an emphatic response to that --- “No!!” It doesn’t
happen in every relationship, and it doesn’t have to happen in
yours.
And the same principles apply whether you’ve been together 5
years, 15 years or 50 years! Sure, after years of familiarity
between partners, the embers of love may start burning low, so
how do you rekindle that glow? How do you keep love alive?
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
Chapter 3
So, How Do I Get It Back?
The reason a relationship is so alive at the beginning is
because two people are expending a great deal of energy to keep
it vibrant. They do things like tell each other positive loving
things, and what they like about each other. The early fire won’t
be kept alive without attention and effort. Sure, it took a lot of
effort at the beginning, too, but it was a little easier because the
relationship was new. You did A LOT of thinking THEN on how
to keep each other happy.
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
I believe mature romantic love involves the deepest possible
level of emotional intensity.
There is a strong mutual
admiration, and admiration is at the heart of romantic love.
There is a compelling desire to be with this person, you love
spending time together, you’re exuberant, and you feel
passion.
Romantic love, in the “mature” sense, requires both
separateness and connectedness. It further requires the ability
and willingness to see our partner as he is --- with
shortcomings as well as virtues --- the whole ball of wax, and
love the total person, just as you wish to be accepted and
loved. Mature romantic love (very different from immature
romantic love) is a long enduring, committed, intimate
relationship. There is a correlation: the longer the romance,
the greater the quality and satisfaction in the relationship.
How do you know when you’re in love?
Sometimes
infatuation mimics love, and sometimes dependency mimics
love, and therein lays some confusion. A major requisite for
selecting a partner is having a feeling of romantic love for the
other person.
When two lovers approach and consider a
serious commitment, there is a reciprocal confidence of loving
and being loved; their hearts pulsate in an insatiable craving to
be as one, their eyes express a love and a longing in a way that
they view no one else, and they feel an exquisite rapture in a
love they share that is uniquely their own. They live with new
zeal, and the world becomes more beautiful.
Then . . . then, with the passing of time, they look at each
other --- not as often, mind you and their eyes say nothing,
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
their souls feel empty, and they struggle
anger, despair or indifference.
with their hurt,
What do you do to make your partner feel loved and
appreciated? What are some things your partner says or does
to make you feel loved and appreciated? What I am trying to
point out is that long term couples must continue courtship
behaviors for life. The reason a relationship is so alive at the
beginning is because two people are expending a great deal of
energy to keep it vibrant.
They do things like tell each other positive, loving things, and
what they like about each other. The early fire won’t be kept
alive without attention and effort. Yes, it took a lot of effort at
the beginning, too, but it was a little easier because the
relationship was new. You did a lot of thinking then on how
to keep each other happy.
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
Chapter 4
5 Essential Tips on
“How To Keep Love Alive . . .
At Any Age!”
First, there are two fears that I see haunting people today: (1)
the fear that they will never be loved, and (2) the fear that they
will never be able to love. Be sure that neither of these are
blocking you from giving or receiving completely.
I am only going to cover five points here. There are
many more, but I have found these to be imperative:
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
LOVE TIP # 1
Working on a relationship ALWAYS begins
with working on yourself. You must learn to
love yourself first. This is something you must
do before you can love anyone else.
How
valuable this will be once you have full
comprehension of the definition of ‘love
yourself.’ It means take care of yourself. Eat
right. Be happy about the way you look and feel
when you leave your home every morning. Take
time just for yourself. Do something just for
you, because you want to, not because you have
to, or will feel guilty if you don’t.
Read, take a walk, play tennis, sit under a tree and just think or
just don’t think. Treat yourself to a chocolate yogurt once in a
while -- - with nuts! Have quiet, alone time to rejuvenate, and
to be at peace with yourself. It means caring enough about
yourself to be true to yourself, being proud of who and what
you are. The Greeks called it a reverence for the self. It’s
having faith in yourself. It’s the awareness that you are a
worthy person.
You can develop this self-love through selfdiscovery, self-discipline, self- forgiveness, and selfacceptance. It produces self-reliance, self-confidence, an
inner security; an inner calm from whence you have the
capacity to love and be loved.
What are some things YOU do to feel good about
yourself? Some examples might be:
1)
Do you have a special favorite place that you
enjoy going to spend time and rejuvenate? (For
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
me, it’s the beach). If you are “too busy”, or it’s
too far away, just step outside for a few minutes
in the evening and gaze into the night for a bit of
tranquility.
2) Do you rest when you need to rest? (Are you
willing to stop when you know you’re pushing
your body beyond what’s healthy for you)?
3) Can you treat yourself to a therapeutic massage
from time to time?
A massage invigorates
thirteen (13) different systems in your body,
much more than the muscular system alone.
4) Do you laugh when you need to laugh?
When is the last time you had a good belly
laugh? Do you surround yourself with people
who make you laugh or with whom you enjoy
laughing? At least giggling and chuckling?
They say that laughter is the best medicine and I believe it.
Do you know that it is a proven medical fact that you cannot
be in pain and be laughing at the same time? I would rather be
laughing on any given day. Buy a joke book if necessary.
People who don’t feel good about themselves don’t
give to a relationship because they need from the other, and
mature love is spelled G-I-V-E. Self-esteem is a prerequisite
for loving; a sense of personal efficacy and worth. It’s an
integration of self-confidence and self-respect. If you don’t
feel deficit, you won’t pick a partner out of dependency, and
mature romantic love is a partnership between two
autonomous equals, not a weak and a strong. If you are not
happy with myself, you have very little to give.
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
LOVE TIP # 2
Time . . . our most precious commodity. Somehow,
you have got to make the relationship a priority in your busy
schedule. Make time for one another. Romance means that
you treat the relationship as important.
Remember at the beginning how you put so many other things
on hold so you could spend time with this person? Now where
is he on your list of priorities?
To keep a relationship
romantically alive, don’t minimize the importance of
candlelight dinners, romantic walks and talks, and holding
hands. Plan to spend time together, to look forward to going
places together, doing things to together. Take time to have
fun together; it doesn’t have to be expensive.
*Think of three things that people in love can do that
does not cost money (in addition to lovemaking, which is a
wonderful, healthy and appropriate option). Example: Throw
a large picnic blanket over the bed or across the living room
floor (toss a few pillows) and have lunch or dinner! Colorful
sandwiches or pizza are fun just as a different venue than
sitting at the table. Be creative!
Continue to discover what you love about each other.
You can only do that if you spend time together.
LOVE TIP #3
Have a “High Mutual Regard” for one another. This
involves sensitivity, thoughtfulness, and consideration. Treat
each other with respect and value. The words love and
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
respect are synonymous. In other words, treat him as though
he IS the most important person in the world.
LOVE TIP# 4
Communicate EFFECTIVELY. Would you like to
know what I hear more than anything else as the greatest
malady among couples?
1)
2)
3)
“She never listens to me”.
“He never talks to me”.
“We don’t communicate”.
And they boil with frustration. The chief dysfunction in
failing relationships is not sexual. It’s verbal. Satisfying
intimacy can never be achieved without successful or effective
communication.
So turn off the TV! How many couples sit for over
three hours every night with their eyes focused on the TV
rather than on each other --- (and I won’t even start about
computer time!!!). How much they have missed! How much
they could have enriched their relationship instead of watching
Wheel of Fortune! Instead of tuning in to the TV, TUNE
INTO EACH OTHER! Couples become strangers living in
the same house. They no longer know each other’s needs
desires, thoughts, feelings, fears and dreams.
Yes, it is nice to snuggle up and share a TV program
or movie from time to time. Then it’s a special activity to
which you look forward. It is more meaningful than just
staring at whatever is on TV, being bored with it hour after
hour and night after night, sometimes not even caring or
knowing what you saw. Spending quality time together can
communicate a great deal of love, so use it wisely.
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
Eye contact can say “I love you” without ever uttering a word!
Express how much you appreciate them. Thank them for
things they have done. Tell them you love them --- often.
Communication is simply the principle way we learn we learn
more about each other. The greater one’s capacity to indeed
communicate, the deeper the satisfaction both partners can
experience in the relationship.
LOVE TIP #5
TOUCH --- The sweet nurturance of touch – it’s like magic!
We live in a touch starved society. I wish people were a
fraction as interested in touching one another in an
affectionate way as they are to reaching out to touch any one
of their technical devices. It seems to me that we really need
to reprioritize what’s important. I can’t foresee the day when
anyone will want to literally marry their phone or computer,
although figuratively it seems to be happening now. Neither
feels warm or cozy, and both devices fall short of the depth of
feeling that only another human can provide. Having a
‘loving’ relationship with a phone or a laptop sounds pretty
lonely to me, but some have clearly preferred them over
living, breathing, smiling partners. Forfeiting the touch of a
warm body for the preference of plastic is a concern. That
people are willing to get divorced because they are too
enthralled with their laptops (an oversimplification, I know),
or that others prefer to avoid intimacy in the first place for a
similar reason has created a new phenomenon of distance
between people unlike anything forth withstanding in the
history of human interactions.
The kindness or compassion of someone who really cares by
their knowing when to extend a gentle hand is irreplaceable,
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
whether in friendship or love, sadness or joy. Too many
people don’t even seem to care about giving or receiving
touch anymore.
We are becoming so estranged. Even
spouses. I find that not only frightening for our macrocosm,
but unacceptable for any couple who might also believe they
have a relationship, period.
Affection is a safer kind of touch than a sexual kind
of touch. Pure vulnerability is not as large a requirement. It
can be more frequently demonstrated, in the presence of
children, and public, and stands complete in its own right, not
as a Segway to sex. Touch can be brief, or in passing, or more
lengthy in nature, as one is so moved to express.
Hold hands in the car, while walking together on
some path of nature, whether it be stream, forest, or
neighborhood and while browsing through shops. Have
your arm around your partner while watching TV, or in
the movies. Be all entangled in bed together. I want to
be that dear elderly couple quietly shuffling down the
beach sidewalk together arm in arm. I watch them and I
feel a solace deep within and an eternal hope for longlasting love. They are the sages of love and life.
You have many opportunities each day to honor
someone special with the pleasure of your touch if you are
in a love relationship. If you are not, what about family
of origin, extended family, and friends? How about
people you are meeting for the first time - do you extend
your hand?
Touch is another beautiful way to communicate
love without uttering a word. Don’t miss the moment.
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
SUMMARY
So, I do not believe that romance only has to happen in the
movies. I believe that we can make more beautiful love
stories in real life --- if we choose to. If WE make it happen.
Don’t let another day go by without expressing your love.
You benefit, your partner benefits, and the world benefits,
because of the rippling effect your love exudes to everyone
and everything within your love’s path. Allow all to grow and
flourish from the love YOU have to offer your partner. We
have such a love filled world to create. Enjoy participating!
If you want to have a relationship with a terrific person, then
you must also be a terrific person yourself. Seek to improve
yourself and seek his best interests. This is the secret of being
the right person for a relationship and ultimately the secret of
living, loving and being loved.
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
Dr. Virginia Crist is a
Licensed
Marriage
and
Family
Therapist
and
Certified Sex Therapist in
private
practice
in
beautiful
Boca
Raton,
Florida. She enjoys seeing
individuals and couples who
are motivated to lead
happier
lives.
She
passionately
commits
herself to creating a life transforming experience for every
patient she sees.
After two masters degrees, Dr. Crist was identified as one of
the “Top 15 Counselors in the USA.” Then she pursued a
five year doctoral program, and attended Harvard Medical
School through the Department of Psychiatry for additional
training. Dr. Crist then received Diplomate credentialing by
The American Psychotherapy Association.
" For the first time in 10 years, since we first
married, I have butterflies in my tummy as though
we were dating as newlyweds. "C.K., Lake Worth,
FL
"I felt so good after talking with you. I felt so
much better when I left here. I have been calmer.
"M.C., Boca Raton, FL