How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!
How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! Dr. Virginia Crist, Ph.D., LMFT Copyright © 2012 Dr. Virginia Crist, Ph.D., LMFT How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! Dedication To all the people in the world who want to have a healthy love relationship more than anything else in the world. How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! Preface I am “The Incurable Romantic.” I was awarded this (what I considered) strange title by my peers in my five year doctoral program (1982-1987). Not having been familiar with this term/phrase before, I had no understanding of why they rolled their eyes. Once I fully comprehended the meaning of it, I have since worn this crown with great pride and distinction. As others squirmed in their seats each time I used the “l” word as though it were a four letter dirty word not to be used in public, I sought to embrace it, explore it, and expound upon it. I am still, all these years later, concerned that people avoid talking about love, let alone move towards it. Although I am more than pleased with my education, I saw lying before me at that time a very long doctoral program on marriage and the family, with not even one course on love. There was everything from childhood development to statistics, but nowhere did I see or hear a word uttered about love. I was beyond perplexed. How would we, how could we talk about and study marriage and the family and never mention love as a vital and nurturing main component of either? I looked all over the library and even asked the librarian and again there was not at that time one book yet written in these How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! United States on romantic love. Much to the dismay of most of my professors, who huffed and puffed and said “Well, love can’t be quantified, that’s why.” They said: “It’s just not scientific enough.” “You can’t measure it,” in an effort to dissuade me from writing my own dissertation on it. I believed it was essential and long past due that such a book be written. I did so, with the assistance of a very dear major professor. It was a labor of love (with no pun on words intended). So, I wrote the first book on romantic love in the entire United States. Rather noteworthy. However, I was so anxious to begin helping people, to enter private practice, that I failed to take an additional year to publish my book. My mistake. Big mistake. Huge. So, I came into South Florida, Boca Raton to be exact, as I graduated in 1987 and began private practice knowing in my heart, mind, soul, gut and every pore of my being how to teach people to have healthy love relationships. I was more excited than a kid at a carnival --- and having at least as much fun! At the cusp of my first year I saw, in the grocery store and drug store checkout lines, ‘love’ and ‘sex’ both splashed across the covers of our favorite magazines for the very first time in the history of our country. It happened. Love and sex had been translated from the sacred and respected halls of academia to front cover splashes and equally popularized. Now, still, today, all these years later, too many are confused between the two. I have found it heart wrenching all these years that I did not take my opportunity to present my research on romantic love at that time. It must be even more heart wrenching to those who have hungrily grabbed up magazine after magazine desperately searching for answers. Love and How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! sex --- there seems to be a great deal of confusion between the two . . . to say “How unfortunate” would be a great deal more than an understatement. I have had many speaking engagements all over South Florida on “How To Keep Love Alive --- At Any Age!” Live, on TV and radio. “I have been called “A Cheerleader for Love,” and yet I grapple with the staggering divorce rates. Is there one real secret in loving one another? Will we ever learn what love is? We can only continue to whisper to it gently, scream to it loudly, and feel it with our souls, our most vulnerable selves, if we have any hope of truly knowing it deeply. “No one wants to be lonely, said the real estate tycoon to the echoes in his empty mansion.” Virginia Crist, Ph.D.,LMFT How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! How to Keep Love Alive---At Any Age! Written by Dr. Virginia Crist. Ph.D., LMFT Copyright © 2012 Dr. Virginia Crist, Ph.D., LMFT All rights reserved. No parts of this book may be reproduced in any form, stored in any retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise (except by an reviewer who may quote brief passages for review purposes) without the written permission of the publisher. ISBN: Cover design by Cheryl Rubman Printed in the United States of America How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! What Others Are Saying About Dr. Virginia Crist, Ph.D., LMFT ” For the first time in 10 years, since we first married, I have butterflies in my tummy as though we were dating as newlyweds. “C.K., Lake Worth, FL “I felt so good after talking with you. I felt so much better when I left here. I have been calmer. “M.C., Boca Raton, FL “Dr. Crist is a loving and trustworthy confidante. She has helped me find balance and guided me through the mazes of life’s challenges for which I will be eternally grateful.” Michelle Marvel, Delray Beach, FL “Before I met Dr. Crist I thought therapy would be a waste of time, and in five years I would regret not walking away from my marriage. After working with her and following her suggestions I am staying for a lifetime.” A.J., Lake Worth, FL How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! ”Dr. Crist, you’re in a league of your own.” I’ve have been to two other therapists for one session each. There is no comparison. I would highly recommend you.” B.Q., Coconut Creek, FL “You are kind, compassionate and right on. In addition, you are brilliant and dynamic. Your passion for your work comes through. The sessions are never boring. Always look forward to next time!” Boca Raton, FL. “Never before has anyone truly been there for me when I needed them. Dr. Crist, you are a gift. Everyone could benefit from working with you. THANKS…” Miami Beach, Fl. How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! TABLE OF CONTENTS VOLUME I Preface Chapter I The Cinderella Syndrome Chapter 2 So, Where Did the Love Go? Chapter 3 So, How Do We Get It Back? Chapter 4 5 Essential Love Tips Summary How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! Chapter 1 “The Cinderella Syndrome” How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! How many of you believe that you dated someone completely different than the one to whom you are now betrothed? When you were dating, he was kind, sensitive, courteous, interested and involved. Now, two or three years into the marriage, she complains that he doesn’t say a word, he’s nowhere to be found, and he withholds as he resists your demands for attention and other needs. He claims he dated a very sweet, fun loving, social, pleasant and engaging young lady whom he now sees with altogether different eyes --- as a screaming, dominant, aggressive and controlling woman, or a silent, avoidant and withdrawn woman. And so the power struggles begin as each tries to change the other into the one they thought they married. This is where it would be wise to have therapeutic intervention. You are already in trouble. Blaming your spouse to well-meaning friends is not the answer. They only hear your version, and as much as they would like to help, you often put them on the spot, and further, they are limited because they are not professionally trained. There is usually no “good guy,” or “bad guy” in the couple. More often than not, you have a deep yearning to feel heard and understood. That’s why you’ve been yelling the same things back and forth to each other 300 times --- because you want to feel heard and understood. It’s actually one of the principle reasons we couple --- so that we can believe one person in the world will truly hear and understand us, will KNOW us, deeply. You anticipate a life filled with joy, acceptance and emotional and sexual intimacy. You believe you’ve found your soul mate, and you probably have. Sometimes, the Cinderella Syndrome is what we get, so just hang on and hang in there, because the best is yet to come. I can’t imagine anyone loving romance more than I. However what I have noticed is that once people marry, all the How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! romancing they did to attract one another gets put on the back burner. Suddenly, they roll up their sleeves as though something in their unconscious mind says, “OK, now I’ve got to behave responsibly.” (As if behaving romantically is irresponsible). And they begin their division of labor, each going their separate ways, with great determination to be productive. He and/or she thinks ‘I’ve got to produce X numbers of dollars, have the correct car, attain and provide for a home with a white picket fence, have 2.5 children and a puppy in the yard. All they did to make one another feel special is no longer a priority. Remember all the other things you used to put on the back burner so you could spend time with this person? Now where is he or she on your list of priorities? What happened? What happened to all that love? Couples become strangers living in the same house together. They don’t know each other’s hopes and interests and desires and needs, fears or dreams anymore. After all, we marry believing the union will enrich our lives, do we not? No one marries thinking, “Oh boy, I can’t wait to get married so I can be as miserable as possible!” The Cinderella Syndrome is an interesting phenomenon. It is a belief that as we watched those fairy tale fantasies as young children, we integrated them or incorporated them into our belief system, such that Prince Charming would one day come, and he would sweep up the beautiful Princess and they would ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever after. We swooned in our innocence. We saw that theme repeatedly and learned it to become truth to us. Then, we grew up. We expect our partner to be perfect. We expect our marriage to be perfect. Many of you have picked (selected) the correct partner and the correct type of marriage for you. Some of us have not yet experienced true, mature, romantic love. The beauty of it all is that I believe we can make even more beautiful love stories in real life. IF we WANT to. If WE How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! make it happen. Romantic love does not have to be just an abstract ideal, just a fairytale fantasy, some unrealistic dream. I believe we have the ability to reach it and to sustain it. I don’t believe that it’s necessary for so many love stories to have such unhappy endings. We actually select partners who will complement us to work out our own issues. So Prince Charming, aka your husband or partner with imperfections and shortcomings in real life, and Cinderella, aka your wife or partner with imperfections and shortcomings in real life, begin your journey of individual and collective growth and maturity together. Your truest job in the relationship is to bring out the best self in the other, and by doing so, through such supportive and compassionate love, heal previous injuries to your partner’s self or personhood. You enhance your own personal growth by leaps and bounds at the same time and your own issues become more clear to you and also get resolved through such maturity. Whew! A lot gets handled in a love relationship, and many of you are so busy doing “life” that you don’t even notice except perhaps in retrospect. How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! Chapter 2 So Where Did the Love Go? But most of us have never been taught what love entails. Look at what we’ve been taught in school --- we’re so busy, busy, busy learning history, trigonometry, chemistry, and How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! computer languages --- all valuable in some way, it’s true but not at all helpful in meeting the greatest personal challenge of all --- KEEPING LOVE ALIVE, having a fulfilling, enriching love experience. Romantic love is one of the greatest adventures of life, and I contend that through personal growth and maturity, it is a possibility for each of us. A woman complained to me that the thrill had gone out of her relationship. “I love my husband, but I’m not in love with him anymore. She genuinely cared about his welfare, and enjoyed much of their time together, but she didn’t miss him while he was away on business trips, and she found she had more stimulating conversations with other people. She felt no particular need to share important thoughts and feelings with him. In other words, he existed on the periphery of her emotional life. Finally, she admitted that she wondered from time to time if there was “something more out there.” “But isn’t that what happens in every relationship sooner or later?” she asked. I have an emphatic response to that --- “No!!” It doesn’t happen in every relationship, and it doesn’t have to happen in yours. And the same principles apply whether you’ve been together 5 years, 15 years or 50 years! Sure, after years of familiarity between partners, the embers of love may start burning low, so how do you rekindle that glow? How do you keep love alive? How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! Chapter 3 So, How Do I Get It Back? The reason a relationship is so alive at the beginning is because two people are expending a great deal of energy to keep it vibrant. They do things like tell each other positive loving things, and what they like about each other. The early fire won’t be kept alive without attention and effort. Sure, it took a lot of effort at the beginning, too, but it was a little easier because the relationship was new. You did A LOT of thinking THEN on how to keep each other happy. How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! I believe mature romantic love involves the deepest possible level of emotional intensity. There is a strong mutual admiration, and admiration is at the heart of romantic love. There is a compelling desire to be with this person, you love spending time together, you’re exuberant, and you feel passion. Romantic love, in the “mature” sense, requires both separateness and connectedness. It further requires the ability and willingness to see our partner as he is --- with shortcomings as well as virtues --- the whole ball of wax, and love the total person, just as you wish to be accepted and loved. Mature romantic love (very different from immature romantic love) is a long enduring, committed, intimate relationship. There is a correlation: the longer the romance, the greater the quality and satisfaction in the relationship. How do you know when you’re in love? Sometimes infatuation mimics love, and sometimes dependency mimics love, and therein lays some confusion. A major requisite for selecting a partner is having a feeling of romantic love for the other person. When two lovers approach and consider a serious commitment, there is a reciprocal confidence of loving and being loved; their hearts pulsate in an insatiable craving to be as one, their eyes express a love and a longing in a way that they view no one else, and they feel an exquisite rapture in a love they share that is uniquely their own. They live with new zeal, and the world becomes more beautiful. Then . . . then, with the passing of time, they look at each other --- not as often, mind you and their eyes say nothing, How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! their souls feel empty, and they struggle anger, despair or indifference. with their hurt, What do you do to make your partner feel loved and appreciated? What are some things your partner says or does to make you feel loved and appreciated? What I am trying to point out is that long term couples must continue courtship behaviors for life. The reason a relationship is so alive at the beginning is because two people are expending a great deal of energy to keep it vibrant. They do things like tell each other positive, loving things, and what they like about each other. The early fire won’t be kept alive without attention and effort. Yes, it took a lot of effort at the beginning, too, but it was a little easier because the relationship was new. You did a lot of thinking then on how to keep each other happy. How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! Chapter 4 5 Essential Tips on “How To Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age!” First, there are two fears that I see haunting people today: (1) the fear that they will never be loved, and (2) the fear that they will never be able to love. Be sure that neither of these are blocking you from giving or receiving completely. I am only going to cover five points here. There are many more, but I have found these to be imperative: How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! LOVE TIP # 1 Working on a relationship ALWAYS begins with working on yourself. You must learn to love yourself first. This is something you must do before you can love anyone else. How valuable this will be once you have full comprehension of the definition of ‘love yourself.’ It means take care of yourself. Eat right. Be happy about the way you look and feel when you leave your home every morning. Take time just for yourself. Do something just for you, because you want to, not because you have to, or will feel guilty if you don’t. Read, take a walk, play tennis, sit under a tree and just think or just don’t think. Treat yourself to a chocolate yogurt once in a while -- - with nuts! Have quiet, alone time to rejuvenate, and to be at peace with yourself. It means caring enough about yourself to be true to yourself, being proud of who and what you are. The Greeks called it a reverence for the self. It’s having faith in yourself. It’s the awareness that you are a worthy person. You can develop this self-love through selfdiscovery, self-discipline, self- forgiveness, and selfacceptance. It produces self-reliance, self-confidence, an inner security; an inner calm from whence you have the capacity to love and be loved. What are some things YOU do to feel good about yourself? Some examples might be: 1) Do you have a special favorite place that you enjoy going to spend time and rejuvenate? (For How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! me, it’s the beach). If you are “too busy”, or it’s too far away, just step outside for a few minutes in the evening and gaze into the night for a bit of tranquility. 2) Do you rest when you need to rest? (Are you willing to stop when you know you’re pushing your body beyond what’s healthy for you)? 3) Can you treat yourself to a therapeutic massage from time to time? A massage invigorates thirteen (13) different systems in your body, much more than the muscular system alone. 4) Do you laugh when you need to laugh? When is the last time you had a good belly laugh? Do you surround yourself with people who make you laugh or with whom you enjoy laughing? At least giggling and chuckling? They say that laughter is the best medicine and I believe it. Do you know that it is a proven medical fact that you cannot be in pain and be laughing at the same time? I would rather be laughing on any given day. Buy a joke book if necessary. People who don’t feel good about themselves don’t give to a relationship because they need from the other, and mature love is spelled G-I-V-E. Self-esteem is a prerequisite for loving; a sense of personal efficacy and worth. It’s an integration of self-confidence and self-respect. If you don’t feel deficit, you won’t pick a partner out of dependency, and mature romantic love is a partnership between two autonomous equals, not a weak and a strong. If you are not happy with myself, you have very little to give. How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! LOVE TIP # 2 Time . . . our most precious commodity. Somehow, you have got to make the relationship a priority in your busy schedule. Make time for one another. Romance means that you treat the relationship as important. Remember at the beginning how you put so many other things on hold so you could spend time with this person? Now where is he on your list of priorities? To keep a relationship romantically alive, don’t minimize the importance of candlelight dinners, romantic walks and talks, and holding hands. Plan to spend time together, to look forward to going places together, doing things to together. Take time to have fun together; it doesn’t have to be expensive. *Think of three things that people in love can do that does not cost money (in addition to lovemaking, which is a wonderful, healthy and appropriate option). Example: Throw a large picnic blanket over the bed or across the living room floor (toss a few pillows) and have lunch or dinner! Colorful sandwiches or pizza are fun just as a different venue than sitting at the table. Be creative! Continue to discover what you love about each other. You can only do that if you spend time together. LOVE TIP #3 Have a “High Mutual Regard” for one another. This involves sensitivity, thoughtfulness, and consideration. Treat each other with respect and value. The words love and How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! respect are synonymous. In other words, treat him as though he IS the most important person in the world. LOVE TIP# 4 Communicate EFFECTIVELY. Would you like to know what I hear more than anything else as the greatest malady among couples? 1) 2) 3) “She never listens to me”. “He never talks to me”. “We don’t communicate”. And they boil with frustration. The chief dysfunction in failing relationships is not sexual. It’s verbal. Satisfying intimacy can never be achieved without successful or effective communication. So turn off the TV! How many couples sit for over three hours every night with their eyes focused on the TV rather than on each other --- (and I won’t even start about computer time!!!). How much they have missed! How much they could have enriched their relationship instead of watching Wheel of Fortune! Instead of tuning in to the TV, TUNE INTO EACH OTHER! Couples become strangers living in the same house. They no longer know each other’s needs desires, thoughts, feelings, fears and dreams. Yes, it is nice to snuggle up and share a TV program or movie from time to time. Then it’s a special activity to which you look forward. It is more meaningful than just staring at whatever is on TV, being bored with it hour after hour and night after night, sometimes not even caring or knowing what you saw. Spending quality time together can communicate a great deal of love, so use it wisely. How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! Eye contact can say “I love you” without ever uttering a word! Express how much you appreciate them. Thank them for things they have done. Tell them you love them --- often. Communication is simply the principle way we learn we learn more about each other. The greater one’s capacity to indeed communicate, the deeper the satisfaction both partners can experience in the relationship. LOVE TIP #5 TOUCH --- The sweet nurturance of touch – it’s like magic! We live in a touch starved society. I wish people were a fraction as interested in touching one another in an affectionate way as they are to reaching out to touch any one of their technical devices. It seems to me that we really need to reprioritize what’s important. I can’t foresee the day when anyone will want to literally marry their phone or computer, although figuratively it seems to be happening now. Neither feels warm or cozy, and both devices fall short of the depth of feeling that only another human can provide. Having a ‘loving’ relationship with a phone or a laptop sounds pretty lonely to me, but some have clearly preferred them over living, breathing, smiling partners. Forfeiting the touch of a warm body for the preference of plastic is a concern. That people are willing to get divorced because they are too enthralled with their laptops (an oversimplification, I know), or that others prefer to avoid intimacy in the first place for a similar reason has created a new phenomenon of distance between people unlike anything forth withstanding in the history of human interactions. The kindness or compassion of someone who really cares by their knowing when to extend a gentle hand is irreplaceable, How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! whether in friendship or love, sadness or joy. Too many people don’t even seem to care about giving or receiving touch anymore. We are becoming so estranged. Even spouses. I find that not only frightening for our macrocosm, but unacceptable for any couple who might also believe they have a relationship, period. Affection is a safer kind of touch than a sexual kind of touch. Pure vulnerability is not as large a requirement. It can be more frequently demonstrated, in the presence of children, and public, and stands complete in its own right, not as a Segway to sex. Touch can be brief, or in passing, or more lengthy in nature, as one is so moved to express. Hold hands in the car, while walking together on some path of nature, whether it be stream, forest, or neighborhood and while browsing through shops. Have your arm around your partner while watching TV, or in the movies. Be all entangled in bed together. I want to be that dear elderly couple quietly shuffling down the beach sidewalk together arm in arm. I watch them and I feel a solace deep within and an eternal hope for longlasting love. They are the sages of love and life. You have many opportunities each day to honor someone special with the pleasure of your touch if you are in a love relationship. If you are not, what about family of origin, extended family, and friends? How about people you are meeting for the first time - do you extend your hand? Touch is another beautiful way to communicate love without uttering a word. Don’t miss the moment. How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! SUMMARY So, I do not believe that romance only has to happen in the movies. I believe that we can make more beautiful love stories in real life --- if we choose to. If WE make it happen. Don’t let another day go by without expressing your love. You benefit, your partner benefits, and the world benefits, because of the rippling effect your love exudes to everyone and everything within your love’s path. Allow all to grow and flourish from the love YOU have to offer your partner. We have such a love filled world to create. Enjoy participating! If you want to have a relationship with a terrific person, then you must also be a terrific person yourself. Seek to improve yourself and seek his best interests. This is the secret of being the right person for a relationship and ultimately the secret of living, loving and being loved. How to Keep Love Alive . . . At Any Age! Dr. Virginia Crist is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist in private practice in beautiful Boca Raton, Florida. She enjoys seeing individuals and couples who are motivated to lead happier lives. She passionately commits herself to creating a life transforming experience for every patient she sees. After two masters degrees, Dr. Crist was identified as one of the “Top 15 Counselors in the USA.” Then she pursued a five year doctoral program, and attended Harvard Medical School through the Department of Psychiatry for additional training. Dr. Crist then received Diplomate credentialing by The American Psychotherapy Association. " For the first time in 10 years, since we first married, I have butterflies in my tummy as though we were dating as newlyweds. "C.K., Lake Worth, FL "I felt so good after talking with you. I felt so much better when I left here. I have been calmer. "M.C., Boca Raton, FL
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