1. No category

THE ORGANIZED MAN
How to Leave Your
Wife
The Organized Way to decide if
you are you in a bad marriage and
need some guidance on leaving
from “The Organized Man”
By Hans D. Hallanger
http://www.organized-way.com/index.html
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Table of Contents
Introduction .......................................................................................... 6
Who This Book is NOT for: ................................................................9
Who This Book is for: ......................................................................10
Part 1: Getting Your Mind Right ..............................................................13
Chapter 1. Is Your Marriage Bad? ......................................................14
Do you find your wife attractive?....................................................14
Does your wife find you attractive? ................................................15
Have you cheated on her? ..............................................................15
Have you hit her? ............................................................................16
Do you find your wife stupid? .........................................................16
Do you look forward to being with her? .........................................17
Do you try to find ways to avoid her? .............................................17
Does she do things that you cannot stand? ....................................17
Has your wife cheated on you? .......................................................18
Has your wife hit you?.....................................................................18
Are you addicted to substances? ....................................................18
Is your wife addicted to substances? ..............................................19
Visualize Your Future.......................................................................25
Your Wife as a Dream Stealer .........................................................28
Is She Verbally Abusive? ..................................................................31
Chapter 2. Verbal Abuse. ....................................................................32
Verbal Abuse In Relationships by Patricia Evans ............................33
Vanquish Her Emotional Abuse From Lawrence Mitchell...............38
Types of Emotional Abuse ...............................................................44
Abuse Me, Lose Me by Richard Jones .............................................49
My Take on these articles ...............................................................55
Chapter 3. Tragic Stories in the News. ...............................................56
Tiger Woods ....................................................................................56
Chris Henry ......................................................................................59
Germantown Murder ......................................................................60
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Common Thread..............................................................................72
Chapter 4. Marriage Myths. ...............................................................74
Happiness is overrated ....................................................................74
Marriage takes a lot of work. ..........................................................76
You have to compromise a lot for a good marriage. ......................77
You have to forgive and forget........................................................77
Don’t Be Selfish ...............................................................................79
It Takes a Long Time to fall out of Love...........................................79
The House is for your wife ..............................................................91
Leaving is Not an Option. ................................................................95
Married Men are Healthier ...........................................................105
There is Plenty of Time. .................................................................106
You need your wife’s permission ..................................................109
This is supposed to be Funny. You tell me. ..................................113
Chapter 5. Right Mind Strategies ......................................................114
Visualize a future you ....................................................................114
Affirmations...................................................................................115
More on what is Verbal Abuse ......................................................118
Basic Needs in a Relationship ........................................................124
What’s right with you ....................................................................126
Do You Matter ...............................................................................128
What to Do About It ......................................................................128
It’s a Math Problem, Really ...........................................................133
What about Your Age. ...................................................................134
You are on your own. ....................................................................135
Part 2: Preparation ................................................................................136
Chapter 6. Why Do People Stay? .....................................................137
Money ...........................................................................................137
The Children ..................................................................................143
Why Children are NOT a reason to stay from a different source..146
Religion and Tradition ...................................................................147
Chapter 7. What About … ................................................................148
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The Kids. ........................................................................................148
The Family .....................................................................................153
Your Mutual Friends ......................................................................153
The Worst Case Scenarios. ............................................................154
The idea that verbal abuse is not that bad?..................................155
Part 3: Do It ..........................................................................................161
Chapter 8. Practical Steps. ................................................................162
Chapter 9. Time for Me to Fly. .........................................................167
The Day I Left.................................................................................167
Chapter 10. Once you’ve left, now what? .......................................172
What to Expect During the Divorce Proceedings ..........................177
What You Will Need during the Process .......................................180
Attorneys. ......................................................................................183
What You Will Give Up. .................................................................185
But look at what you will gain .......................................................187
Helpful Resources..............................................................................191
Conclusion .........................................................................................193
About The Author..............................................................................193
Copyright © 2010 by Hans D. Hallanger All rights reserved
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ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in
any form whatsoever, electronic, or mechanical, including
photocopying, recording, or by any informational storage or
retrieval system without the expressed written, dated and
signed permission from the author.
DISCLAIMER AND/OR LEGAL NOTICE
The information presented herein represents the views
of the author as of the date of this publication. As conditions
change the author reserves the right to alter and update his
opinions based on new conditions.
The book is for informational purposes only and the
author does not accept any responsibilities or liabilities resulting
from the use of this information.
While every attempt has been made to verify the
information contained in this book, the author cannot assume
any responsibility for errors, inaccuracies or omissions. Any
slights of people or organizations are unintentional.
This is not a book on divorce proceedings or divorce laws.
Consult an attorney for information on divorce.
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Introduction
It has taken me a long time to learn all the things I
am going to share with you. I spent years in a marriage
where I was verbally abused. It took me years to even
understand what was going on, what was happening to
me and even what verbal abuse was. I spent years
trying to decide to leave my wife. I spent hours on-line
and in libraries and bookstores reading books, websites
and articles trying to find some guidance to try to decide
if I should leave or not. I spent the best part of my life
living in fear of my wife and what she might do. The
information in this book has been compiled from my
years of being verbally abused, my struggle, my
frustration and my research.
This book is written for you because you may not
be in a situation like mine where I had some time to do
all this research and all this thinking. In effect I stole
time from my situation to do this research. I snatched
moments at work to read on-line material. I stopped at
libraries and bookstores when I could to read a few
pages here and there. You may not have that kind of
time to do that kind of research work.
That is what this book does. It is filled with the
guidance I found from all sorts of sources and right from
my heart. I have spent my time doing this and am
providing it to you.
I never wanted to have to know all this
information. I wanted to have a nice, loving family with
a happy wife who treated me decently.
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I did not have that. What I had was at times a
nightmare relationship where I was so despondent after
a tongue lashing that I thought of suicide or worse. Even
the good times were not that good. How can they be
when you are just waiting for something bad to happen?
This book is meant as a guide to summarize a lot
of the information available. It is meant to help you
decide if your marriage is bad and to get you to start
thinking about your own life. This book is meant to be a
reference book and a guide to question how you are
living.
This book is not by a doctor or a psychologist or a
therapist. It is by one man who went through more than
a lifetime of abuse and is sick of seeing anyone suffer.
Use these words to help strengthen you against the
abuse you are suffering from.
If your marriage was perfectly fine you would not
be searching for this type of information or reading this
book. So keep an open mind while you are going
through it. The things I write about are not mainstream
thought. These ideas may shock some of you. If you are
religious or traditional, you may think I have lost my
mind. But these ideas are meant to help whoever I can
to see the light and not have to go through the type of
pain I went through.
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What is a bad marriage anyway? Aren’t you
supposed to suffer? Are you not sure where to begin?
This book contains my ideas for deciding if your
marriage is bad enough to leave. This information is
from my personal journey through the ordeal of a bad
marriage and my decision making process I used to get
free of my wife and eventually leave my bad marriage.
You will find that your life will greatly improve by
getting out of a bad marriage.
If you are married to a verbally abusive wife, your
life will be a living hell. You may wish for death. You
may wish she was dead. You may wish you were never
born.
This book is meant to turn the idea that you have
to stay married no matter what on its head and kick it
out the door. You do not have to. You can decide right
now to leave any bad situation you are in and start living
a good life. You have just as much of a right to live a
good life as the next person, even if the next person is
your wife.
It is not easy. Leaving a bad wife will be a messy,
painful disaster and difficult even beyond what you can
imagine.
If she is so bad to you that you want to leave
there will be no way that she is not bad to you once you
have left. The good news is that once you have left the
hold she has on you will start to diminish.
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You need to keep your mind focused on you, your
life, your happiness, your well being. Only by doing that
will you be able to work through it all and heal.
Deep down everyone wants to be happy, either
with a wife or not.
Sometimes you just don’t know how to begin to
think for yourself and for your own happiness. This book
is the how.
As the author of The Organized Man eBook and
the creator of the www.organized-way.com website my
emphasis is on being organized and clutter free, not only
with stuff but with your relationships. Nothing will ruin
your life more than being in a bad marriage. Getting
free of a bad marriage is the ultimate life improvement
strategy.
Who This Book is NOT for:
•
Men who are with wonderful women.
• Men whose lives are great already with the
woman they have.
• Men who are the abuser in the relationship. If
you are the bad one, this book is not for you. My
only guidance it is that you need to leave your
wife now and let her have a good life. You do not
have to be the statistic of another man who beats
his wife, or verbally abuses his wife or kills his wife
in a fit of rage. You can just leave, get yourself
right or get help and treat people right.
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Who This Book is for:
• Men whose wives are giving them a hard time.
• Men who just want to be dead.
• Men who work a lot to avoid their wives.
• Men who eat way too much to dull the pain.
• Men who have a sarcastic, demanding, ungrateful
wife.
• Men who are not sure why they are unhappy.
• Men who want a better life for themselves.
• Men who think they are modeling bad behavior
for their children.
• Men who are thinking of getting married and
wondering if their girlfriend is going to be high
maintenance or difficult.
• Men who want to die young.
• Men who for religious or for traditional or family
reasons think they have to stay married.
• Anyone who suspects they know a man in this
situation. The best gift to a person is the gift of
hope.
• Men who think they owe their lives to their wives.
• Men who think it is somehow noble to suffer.
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A better way to think about your life is the idea that
you do not owe anyone anything. So often we think that
because we have been doing something for a day, a
week, a month, a year or more we have to keep doing it.
The idea of you joined the group now you have to
stick with it even if the reason you joined does not exist
anymore for you.
The idea of you went out for the sport now you have
to continue to play it even if you do not enjoy it and
even dread it or cannot play it that well.
The idea of you started working somewhere now you
have to keep working there even though you do not like
it that much, or your boss is no good, or the benefits are
non-existent or you can do better somewhere else.
The idea of you married this person now you have to
stay married forever even though you two are not right
for one another and may be so totally wrong that the
marriage is no good at all.
This is the mind shift you need to make to start to
make your life better.
My goal of writing this book is to help YOU decide
what YOU want to do and what is good for YOU.
It took me over 40 years to come to this conclusion
and I still struggle with it at times.
The hardest thing I ever did was to leave my wife.
The day I left my wife was the worst day of my life but it
was also the best.
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Now, looking back on my marriage 3 years later I can
scarcely believe that I stayed married to her so long. My
mind now is right. It just took a lot to get it right.
I mean my marriage was good for quite a while, but
somewhere along the line it went bad and it became
evident it was not going to get better. I am pointing out
to you that once YOU decide your marriage is not good
for YOU, that is when you need to leave.
You do not need to have everything figured out for
what will happen afterward. There is no way you will
have all the answers. You just need to live day by day.
What happens in the future will happen.
The idea that you have to have everything figured out
is just a way to keep you confused and in the same
place.
You do not want to stay in your place if your place is
no good for you. The normal way is to insist that you do
stay in your place.
Normal is no good. Normal keeps you stuck in
stagnant, abusive and even violent marriages. You do
not want to be interested in normal. The better way is
to have an interest in having a great life.
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Part 1: Getting Your Mind Right
In this section, I’m going to discussing some
interesting things about how you need to think
differently about marriage. Some of the things will blow
your mind because they are so different than what you
are used to hearing.
This section is the longest of the book because
without getting your mind right, no matter how bad
your marriage is you will never leave. You will continue
to be criticized, yelled at, demeaned, belittled and
abused. You will just be one of those poor, forgotten
men who live those quiet lives of desperation, who toil
endlessly, without thanks, and whose lives are not their
own. The men who think they are doing right by not
living for themselves. These are the men who die young
because they want to.
This book will cut through all the garbage talk
saying that you have to stay no matter what.
The actual preparing and leaving are simpler steps
compared to the serious soul searching, visualizing,
affirmations, deep thinking and self-study you need to
do to get your mind right.
Without thinking deeply about your life, you can
not live, you will just barely exist.
"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used
when we created them."~ Albert Einstein
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Chapter 1. Is Your Marriage Bad?
How do you even know if your marriage is bad?
What is the definition?
Is there an easy way to tell?
The short answer is yes and no. Sometimes it is
easy to tell that your marriage is dead. But most of the
time the answer is not so easy.
First let’s look at the easy ways to tell if your
marriage is dead:
Do you find your wife attractive?
It is hard to make love to a person who you find
undesirable. Has she let herself go? When you look at
her, do you get excited? In my case, my wife still was
beautiful on the outside, but her treatment of me made
me see her as an ugly person. I could not stand to kiss
her after she got done criticizing me or yelling at me for
some perceived slight. It was her personality that
became ugly. The woman I was super turned on to be
with was not there any longer.
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Does your wife find you attractive?
This happens a lot too. You may have been in
great shape but over the years with lots of time at work
trying to make ends meet your body is not what it once
was. Your sense of style may be totally gone. You may
be stuck wearing the normal boring uniform of the
married man. You may not care at all about fashion,
health and fitness, while your wife does. You may have
no time, money or energy to put into making yourself
look good or fit or even healthy.
Have you cheated on her?
Unless you have an open marriage, this usually
means you do not have enough respect, love or desire to
remain faithful. In my case, I never cheated on my wife,
it is just not who I am. I was not saint when it came to
women before I met my wife. I enjoyed sex with many
girls and loved that time of my life. But when I got
married I just made myself only have eyes for her.
During the early years of our marriage this was easy. I
did love her and wanted to do right. Plus we were busy
with small children. As the years slipped by I was so
beaten down by my wives verbal abuse that I had lost
whatever confidence I had with women. Other women
were not on my mind. The only thing on my mind was
survival.
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Have you hit her?
If you have ever hit your wife or physically abused
her in any way, you should just get out now. You have
some inner hate or rage that is seething below the
surface. You would want to get clear of her before you
do something to destroy multiple lives. If you have hit
your wife, you need to get away from her before you do
more damage. Think of it this way, if you dislike her or
what she has said or done enough that you are moved
to violence, why stay with her? What makes you think
she will not call the police? What makes you think she
will not retaliate and hurt you? What makes you think
you will stop short of killing her?
Do you find your wife stupid?
Sometimes, what seems like girlish charm is just a
dumb girl with no ability to think at a level closer to
yours. You may have gained lots of knowledge over the
years in your work. People do evolve over the years,
both ways. Your wife may be learning and growing,
while you stay stagnant. In that case, she would find
you boring and stupid.
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Do you look forward to being with her?
Isn’t this the reason you would want to marry a
person? Early in my marriage, I rushed home to be with
her, time with her was just so wonderful. Over the
years, I looked for ways to avoid her. I worked as much
as possible. I encouraged her to do things like errands
and shopping without me. I kept the kids quiet on
weekend mornings so she would sleep late and I could
have the house to myself. Do you see where I am going?
I was only happy without being around her.
Do you try to find ways to avoid her?
Once you no longer want to be with her, you no
longer want to be with her.
If your marriage is at the point that you’re trying
to justify leaving it, then ask yourself this – “Would the
quality of my life be better without my spouse?” If the
answer is absolutely yes, then what are you waiting for?
Isn’t your decision made?
Does she do things that you cannot stand?
Do the things she does bother you to the point of
extreme irritation? If something she does bothers you
and you have asked her to stop and she won’t, then you
have cause to leave. For example, maybe you have a
child with asthma and your wife smokes in the house.
Smoking really affects people with asthma. It would be
much better for the child for your wife to never smoke
in the house.
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Has your wife cheated on you?
There is no reason to be with a wife who cheats
on you. This did not happen to me, but it seems hard to
believe that a person would stay with someone who has
cheated on them, unless it was an open marriage.
Has your wife hit you?
Hitting is bad no matter who does the hitting.
Maybe your wife hit you in retaliation for you hitting
her. In that case, you are both wrong and should be
separated. Some women are violent. She may not be as
strong as you are, although some women can be as
strong as men, but it still hurts. Plus she can use objects
to inflict pain. If you are afraid of your wife, that is a
huge problem.
Are you addicted to substances?
Are you addicted to substances that cause you to
be irrational to the point of harming others? Many
people smoke, drink and take drugs and are fine with
doing these things. The people I am talking about are
the ones do these things and are not fine. They may be
prone to violence, or reckless and dangerous behavior.
Do you only hit her when you are high? Leave her
anyway.
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Is your wife addicted to substances?
Is your wife addicted to substances that cause her
to be irrational to the point of harming others?
The above list is the simple, easy way to tell if
your marriage is dead. In most marriages, though, it is
not easy to tell. There is so much information out there
telling a person they have to stay married no matter
what.
So much of what you hear, read and are exposed
to is that once you are married you have to stay married
and that the only reason to get divorced better be good.
Even in cases where most reasonable people
would say the marriage needs to end like infidelity,
violence and addiction some sources say to stick it out
and that a marriage is forever and all that other garbage
talk about duty and commitment. These are the obvious
deal breakers to me. But there are countless examples
of people staying together when it should be obvious
that they should leave. In those cases, it is easy for an
aware person who believes in individuality to tell from
the outside that the marriage is over but maybe not
from the inside.
But, in spite of it being easy, people still stay
married through these traumatic times.
The divorce rate is high, but to me that is a good
thing. People are awakening to the idea that their own
life matters. They do not want to spend their life stuck
in a bad situation, just because they made a bad choice.
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They decided to take action, move on and try to
make their lives better.
There are so few good examples of good
marriages that you have no real way of knowing if your
marriage is good or not by comparing your marriage to
others.
Maybe your parents had a good marriage, maybe
not. It is so hard to tell. In fact, I would say that it is
impossible to tell if a couple has a good marriage by
looking at them.
My marriage probably looked good to most
people. I had a decent job and was able to provide a
decent home. My wife and I said I love you to each
other. We have two beautiful children. We did things as
a family and as a couple as we could afford it from time
to time. I never complained to family or friends about
my wife. I am not much of a complainer. I keep my
feelings to myself. I never wanted to burden others with
my problems. Although, now I am opening myself up to
you.
Plus, I did not want to tell my family, especially,
because, I thought if I did, that it would cloud their
thinking about my wife if she ever started to be nice to
me. I held out hope that she would be nice, and that my
life would improve. I did not want to tell my parents
what was happening because for one thing I did not
understand it and for another I wanted them to love her
and not be suspicious of her. I wanted a big, happy
family with me as a happy husband and father and my
wife as a happy wife and mother. I wanted happiness
wherever we were.
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I was a grown man after all. I thought I should be
able to handle my life and my wife. I did not think it
proper to bother my parents just because my wife was
abusing me. I just could not reach out to my parents or
anyone.
But after I left I reached out. I told my parents as
much as I could remember. They were extremely
supportive and still are. I am so grateful to them for
their support.
The idea of reaching out should be explored. Just
think of it this way. If your adult child came to you and
told you that their spouse is abusing them wouldn’t you
be supportive of your child?
But for me at that time in my life I just could not
bring myself to talk about it to anyone with enough
detail and depth to make a difference. When you go
through some sort of trauma your life revolves around
it. You just do not get over it.
Plus, my wife made what she was doing to me
seem like no big deal. She would rage or criticize or
lecture or demean and then go on later as if nothing had
happened. She would be nice and decent for awhile.
So most people probably assumed I was fine. She
did not hit me, so there were no bruises.
I wanted to believe I was fine too. I did not want
to face the facts. I wanted it to be different.
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But that is why you cannot tell about other
people. I was dying inside. I must have been a good
actor. I also was busy working a lot, so I could avoid her
most of the time. I spent what little free time I had
reading about verbal abuse and trying to come to some
decision.
I talked to three good friends a few months before
I finally left. One friend had never been married but had
been in a number of long term relationships. The other
two friends were divorced. I told them a little of what
was happening and that I thought I needed to leave her.
They agreed. I mean if they had told me to stick
with her no matter what I may have tried to do that. I
valued their opinions and think the world of those guys.
I talked to them because I wanted to hear what it
was like after they left. Did they regret leaving so much
that it is all they could do to live on? The answer they
gave me is that leaving was fine with them and that they
have never been happier. They just made a poor choice
in who they married. They have some trouble with their
exes and there are coordination problems with the kids,
there have been financial difficulties but overall they are
just fine.
I never told anyone the graphic details of what
happened to me until after I left. It was so embarrassing
and besides, why would anyone believe me? I am much
larger than her. I have a college degree. I am the
breadwinner. My family is nice and so is hers. What
would cause her to be so mean to me?
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Everyone thought she was so nice and sweet.
And she was and can still be nice and sweet. That is why
I loved her so much and wanted to get married to her.
I was hoping that in time she would settle down
and be nice all the time. The way she was when we met
and were going out and in the early years of our
marriage. I kept waiting for the nice and sweet girl to
come back. Leaving really did not cross my mind.
After all, my parents were still married. Her
parents were still married. We had been married in the
Catholic Church. The kids were baptized Catholic and I
even converted from Lutheran to Catholic.
Her brother and two sisters were still married. My
brother was divorced and my wife always kind of digging
it in that her family was better. I pointed out that my
brothers’ wife was the one who wanted the divorce, not
him. My wife blamed him anyway.
My wife never wanted me to see my two good
friends who I mentioned above that were divorced. She
said that they were a bad influence on me. I had known
these guys since I was a kid, I was not about to lose
them as friends just because they were divorced.
Besides none of us had the time to get together more
than a few times a year. To me that was the bare
minimum to keep a friendship going and to have some
good memories of the year. To her, any time with my
old friends was too much.
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I do not think that just because you happen to
associate with some people who are divorced means
you will get divorced yourself. That just does not make
sense. That is like saying you will just do whatever
someone else does.
What you really need to do is examine yourself
and your own feelings. You have to look at the evidence
of how your wife is to you and how you are to her. You
cannot just look at these things from someone else’s
perspective. It is your life and you owe it to yourself to
examine it.
The core of the problem is that each person
matters. So, if you matter, your happiness matters and
if you are not happy being married you need to leave.
24
Visualize Your Future
According to Dr. Wayne Dwyer in his book titled –
“The Power of Intention” – the way to establish a
relationship with spirit and access the power of this
creating principle is to continuously contemplate yourself
as being surrounded by the conditions you wish to
produce.
So, in plain English, as I see it in relation to your
marriage, you would want to visualize yourself as being
in a happy, loving, respectful, wonderful marriage. So if
you are in a bad marriage, you could continuously
visualize yourself in a good marriage. The more you do
that, the more likely only two things will happen:
1. Your wife (and you) can choose to be that way.
She will be a wonderful wife that you love, honor,
respect and cherish and she will treat you in a way
that you want, and you will be the great husband
that you want to be;
Or,
2. She will not be able to do that and you will have
to leave. If you demand your life to be a certain
way, then you will not be able to live a good life
without it being so.
I think it is very helpful to have an actual written
list of what you want your marriage to be like and the
list should include what you must have in order to be
happy.
25
Here is the list I developed while my wife was
verbally abusing me. In hindsight I should have made
out a list long before I got married. But just because I
did not know any better at that time is not a reason I or
you do not deserve a great life now. This list clarified on
paper and in my mind what kind of a marriage and wife I
wanted and deserved:
• I have a great relationship with my wife.
• We never fight.
• My wife is supportive to me, my ideas and what I
want to do.
• My wife doesn’t scream at me.
• My wife never accuses me of wrongdoing.
• My wife does not use foul language.
• My wife is very nice.
• My wife talks nicely to me all the time.
• My wife doesn’t criticize me, ever.
• My wife is gentle and even-tempered.
• My wife is not abusive.
• My wife doesn’t compare me to other men.
• My wife doesn’t bring up old boyfriends.
• My wife lets me be me.
• My wife doesn’t try to change me.
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• My wife keeps the past in the past.
• My wife doesn’t talk too much.
• My wife doesn’t complain about what she doesn’t
have.
• My wife doesn’t complain about things about me
that annoy her or circumstances that I cannot
control.
• My wife lets me make all the decisions or we
discuss these things together.
• My wife doesn’t verbally abuse me.
• My wife doesn’t gossip.
• My wife doesn’t talk negatively about others.
• My wife is positive.
• My wife is not negative.
• My wife does not argue with me, or anyone.
It may be difficult to find a woman who is all these
things from this list. But think of the wonderful,
delightful life of happiness you would have with a
woman who has most of the qualities on this list.
Obviously, you will need to do all those things on the
list yourself. The golden rule is to treat others as you
want to be treated. I did my best to live up to my list
with my wife.
You see if that is what you want, that is what you will
get, but in all likelihood, just not with who you are with
right now.
27
You might want to throw away the old song, “Love
the One You’re With.” Some songs are poetic and
catchy, but not that good for you. If the one you are
with is not good for you, you have to not love the one
you’re with, leave her and find someone else.
Your Wife as a Dream Stealer
It seemed that everything I said to my wife she
would disagree with. It did not matter what.
When I told her I wanted to check into other Cities
for us to live in because I was very frustrated in my job
prospects and where we lived, she just said she would
never leave the area.
She would not even discuss it. I did a lot of
research and had all my reasons why and how I thought
it would be so good for us. I mean I would have still had
to have found a job. It was not a done deal, but I
wanted to discuss it with her.
Why can’t a man who is the sole breadwinner in
the family look into other possibilities? What would be
the harm in looking and dreaming?
When I said that someday I could see us having a
vacation cottage, or a recreational vehicle or even a
boat, she said, no, I do not want to do that. I will not
have it.
I mean it was just a dream. We would need
plenty of money to such a thing.
28
What I am saying is that if things go well and we
accumulate some extra money that is something I would
like to do. To her, my dreams meant nothing.
Why couldn’t I talk about my dreams with my wife
without her saying that my dreams were no good? She
just discounted them.
We would have to have the money and find a way
and maybe I would change my mind. But at that time it
was a dream that she stole from me.
I mean how does anyone do anything without
having the dream first? If your dreams are shot down,
then you will not do anything.
I said what I really wanted in a vehicle was a ½ ton
4 by 4, 4 door pickup. It could be a Ford, Chevy, GMC or
Dodge. The brand did not matter to me that much to
me. A truck like that is what I really wanted.
She would always say that if you get a truck, get a
truck. And to her that meant a full-size ton truck with all
the bells and whistles.
I said that I really did not want a truck that big. It
would not be practical at all. It would not fit in a garage.
It used a lot of gas. It would be hard to drive in the City.
Plus, they cost a lot more. It did not make any sense for
me to get a truck like that. When I pointed this out to
her, she just scoffed.
I thought that I could make getting the type of
truck I wanted much more quickly than the type she
said. In fact, I thought I would not ever get the type of
truck she said.
29
The biggest dream she stole was when we bought
a duplex in the inner City to use as an investment and a
way to make more money.
I wanted to be a landlord and generate some
more money. I was having no success in getting
promoted and the job I had just did not pay that well.
She was not working and there were so many bills
to pay and things to do.
So I did all the research into real estate. I read
books, went to seminars and looked at properties.
My dream was to buy more properties and
generate a good side income. The place we bought was
inexpensive, and run down. But once we got it fixed up
a little the rent would easily cover the mortgage and
taxes with money left over.
She wanted to run a daycare center in one of the
units. I guess that was her dream.
The place was in a bad area. I did not want her
and our baby son going there every day to run the
daycare. Why couldn’t she just run her daycare at our
house so she wouldn’t have to go into the ghetto?
What I am saying is that a husband and wife needs
to be discussing their hopes and dreams together and
working together toward those goals. They need to
encourage each other and not step on each other’s toes.
To me it was wrong of her to make my rental idea
so hard to do by insisting on doing her daycare there.
The daycare just did not make sense to me.
30
I was planning on going there after work and on
the weekends to do the work necessary to get the place
rentable. She would insist on coming along with the
baby and making it difficult to get any work done. She
had all these fancy ideas on how to fix up the place for a
daycare center rather than as a rental place for lower
income people. These plans just destroyed my budget.
We ended up selling the place about a year and a
half later without making any money.
I did all the legwork, all the research, all the study
and I provided all the money. In the end I was left with
nothing.
Is She Verbally Abusive?
Abuse of any kind should never be tolerated. As
much as they say they love you, love should never hurt.
The next chapter dives more deeply into verbal
abuse because that is what I see as the most important
subject in a bad marriage.
31
Chapter 2. Verbal Abuse.
Emotional and verbal abuse seems to be more or
less the same thing. Even if they are not, there is
probably enough overlap for our purposes. In my case
my wife was using verbal abuse or emotional abuse on
me. I do not think that she woke up one day and said, "I
am going to start verbally abusing my husband." It
doesn’t work that way. It starts small and escalates over
time until you either do something about it, like leave
her, or tolerate it the rest of your life.
I have reproduced a number of the best guidance I
found explaining verbal and emotional abuse in the
following sections.
32
Verbal Abuse In Relationships by Patricia Evans
This section is from Patricia Evans Verbal Abuse
website. You can find her website at:
http://www.verbalabuse.com/
She is one of the experts in verbal abuse and I
recommend you check into her website more.
Here is I think one of her best descriptions of
verbal abuse:
Most people recognize name-calling as verbal abuse, but
name-calling is just one of more than a dozen categories
of verbal abuse. Typically, people who are put down in
verbally abusive relationships think that somehow, in
some way their being treated has something to do with
them. They have the impression that there is something
about them that makes their loved one mad at them,
apprehensive of them, distant toward them, fed up with
them, unbelieving of them, or disdainful of them.
Since verbally abusive relationships have been ignored
by our culture for thousands of years and since there are
so many forms of verbal abuse from the most subtle to
the most direct, it is not easy for people in abusive
relationships to understand what is going on. For this
reason, I have written a book that thousands of people
say helps them more than anything else they’ve read to
recognize verbal abuse right when it’s happening.
33
Conversely, people who frequently indulge in verbal
abuse may have little if any conscious awareness of
what they are doing. This idea may seem strange to
people looking in on an abusive relationship. But many
people have told me that they were frequently abusive
and never thought anything about their behavior.
Abusers are Often Blind to Their Abusive Behavior
1. If people, in relationships believe that they are
entitled to give orders--that it is their right--they don’t
necessarily think that ordering their mate around is
abusive. They usually think that their assumed rights,
prerogatives and privileges make this kind of behavior
okay. They are then blind to their abusive behavior.
2. Similarly, they may think that they have a right to put
down their partner, or to tell their partner what s/he’s
thinking, meaning, and so forth. They might think they
are entitled to act the way they do because of their age,
because they’ve been around the place longer, are of a
superior gender or race, or because they make more
money than their mate. Their sense of entitlement
blinds them to their abusive behavior.
3. The abuser may think verbal and/or physical abuse—
acts against their mate—are justified because their mate
“makes them do it.” Many people who batter both
verbally and physically and who are jailed as a
consequence believe it is their mate’s fault—as if their
mate did the verbal and physical battering. This “crazy”
thinking blinds them to their abusive behavior.
34
4. The abuser may hold a belief in the right of one
person to wield power over another person. This belief
blinds abusers to their abusive behavior.
5. People who indulge in verbal abuse are also blinded
to their abusive behavior when they are lacking in the
ability to acknowledge and accept their mate’s feelings,
interests, talents, perspectives and opinions.
In these relationships, verbal abuse creates pain and
trauma and can lead to physical illness. Ongoing abuse is
stressful, no matter how much one tries to ignore it.
Stress compromises the immune system leaving the
abused person vulnerable to a host of illnesses. Back
pain and exhaustion are often the first symptoms.
On the other hand, people can occasionally feel so upset
or frustrated that they say something that is abusive, but
when they realize how they’ve come across they
apologize and say what they mean in a non-abusive,
healthy, way.
If there isn’t a feeling of goodwill and understanding
between two people in their relationship, if one is
hurting and feeling constantly put down by actual
comments, for instance, “You can’t do anything right,”
You aren’t listening,” or is frequently yelled at, then that
person is probably in a verbally abusive relationship.
35
Some people spend a lot of time trying to determine
which gender is the most verbally abusive. I don’t think
that kind of debate is productive. When I wrote the first
book to name and describe a “verbally abusive
relationship,” I not only defined verbally abusive
relationships, but also was first to say that although the
book is based on women’s experiences, "Men too
experience verbal abuse." Now I am getting agreement.
Some men are "coming out" about the pain and
confusion they feel in a verbally abusive relationship.
Several hundred of the approximately twenty thousand
people I've heard from are men who are in these
abusive relationships.
Some people think “You’ve got to learn to take it. Let it
roll of your back, it never hurt me. I’m successful.” But
one might ask, Does being verbally abused make
someone a better, healthier person?
SEPARATED?
If you are separated from your loved one and wonder if
there is change, please consider the following case.
A couple was separated. One person (A) wondered if the
other had changed, but realized the other (B) had not
because of B's relentless pressure exerted on A to come
back. Never once did B ask, "How do you feel? What do
you want?"
If you are facing this kind of pressure, it might be helpful
to ask yourself the following questions.
36
Do you hear,
What do you want?
What bothers you about being around me?
Do you like constant calls or emails from me?
How do you feel when you come to the house?
How do you feel after seeing me?
What do you envision as best for your future?
Are you interested in hearing my vision for us again, or
do you feel usurped by my constantly telling you how
you should be?
Are you interested in hearing me tell you what I want
from you hundreds of times a week?
Do I sound selfish?
Have I shown an interest in your reality, experience,
hopes, dreams?
Are you experiencing trauma from the things I said
and did for years?
Do You shake when you see me?
Can you heal from this trauma?
Do you believe you could like a person who has been
self-centered and abusive for a long time?
37
Vanquish Her Emotional Abuse From Lawrence
Mitchell
This section is from Lawrence Mitchell of
AskMen.com. The link to the page is:
http://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_60/80_dating_tips.html
Here is the article:
When my last article (how to
overcome a dysfunctional
relationship went up, I did not
expect to receive more than the
usual share of feedback. Though my
hope was that the topic would prove
informative and useful, my
assumption was that it was not
"sexy" enough to warrant an
38
inordinate reader response.
Boy was I ever wrong. To date, I have yet to generate as
much feedback from a single article. The wave of e-mail
the week the article went live was so considerable that I
felt the need to return with a similar topic. Most of you
wrote in to thank me for the article and to my joy,
inform me that you had in fact overcome a dysfunctional
relationship. There was a sizeable minority of e-mail
however, from men who had yet to break the cycle of
emotional abuse.
You know who you are
I mention "sizable minority" but we know that there is a
vast "silent" majority of men who suffer in silence in the
face of emotional abuse. They feel shame, fear, and
choose to ignore the abuse and live with it. The fact is
that we live in a society where the abuse of men is not a
mainstream concern.
But abuse is abuse and as we mobilize to combat it
when the victim is a woman, we have to offer the same
compassion to men. Perhaps physical abuse is not as
prevalent when the perpetrator is female, but my
argument is that emotional abuse is. In fact, my theory is
that men suffer more from emotional abuse in
relationships than women.
A man may be more prone to strike a woman or commit
sexual assault on his partner, but as for emotional
abuse, I think women have the edge. I have no proof to
claim that a female will commit emotional abuse more
than a man but my bet is that it is far more common
39
than anyone can imagine at present.
The problem is that we never hear about it. Men are
tough, strong and impervious to abuse. Maybe. But why
then, do I receive a constant stream of e-mail with
regard to emotional abuse? Because like it or not, it is
prevalent. The key is to spot it.
Find out if she's stomping on your ego…
Are you a victim?
Remember that I use "victim" in the spirit of the
definition of the word. The word victim isn't a synonym
for "weak" or "effeminate." Some of you may need to
read that before you face the truth. So here is where
you discover whether or not your woman is abusive.
Does she fit the profile? I define emotional abuse as a
routine attack on your confidence, self-esteem, pride,
and identity. When you no longer feel comfortable or
secure with her, you may be a victim.
Does she insult you with malice? Even the odd putdown is cause for concern, but your woman is an expert
at the personal insult. At even a minor provocation, she
seizes the opportunity to tear into you and deflate your
ego and masculine pride.
40
Does she need to be in control? A control freak may not
be a source of emotional abuse but pair it with another
danger sign and there is cause for concern. If your
partner is overcome with a sense of paranoia and violent
suspicion when you fail to call, show up, ask for her
consent, or choose to make a plan without her, take
heed.
Her need to be in control is a desperate ploy to reel you
in and smother your sense of self. If you give your tacit
approval, you bear the mark of a victim.
Do you give in and go to her, no matter the occasion?
Similar to the point above, the fear of verbal reprisal has
you under her thumb. You try to convince yourself that
life is good when the relationship is free from turmoil.
But the price you pay is to never engage her in an
argument or debate, and therefore endure a loss by
default.
My advice is to look at the big picture. Where is your
sense of identity? You have become a lost soul because
of her need to monopolize and dominate. Her vile
temper may be formidable but when you avoid it, you
consent to the abuse and become an automatic victim.
Her bark is worse than her bite, so assert.
Others are warning you about her, and how to get out
while you can
41
The people you love warn you
about her. Your mother and father
sense a change in your behavior.
Your best friend has never seen you
so down and in silent despair. The
people that love you know best. If
they intervene, then there is most
likely a problem.
Worse yet, if your woman lashes out
at you in front of them and you fail to respond or offer a
defense, then they might intervene on your behalf. And
that may be the most pathetic sign that you are a victim
of emotional abuse: When the situation has become so
dire that a family member or friend has to step in
because of your oblivion and tacit approval.
Nothing is ever good enough. No matter what you do to
make her happy, her appreciation and joy are brief.
Rather than rest on your laurels and relax, you find
yourself on guard in the event of attack.
Your turn to move
Family help aside, the choice is up to you. Will you stay
with her for the security, sex or comfort factor, despite
the emotional abuse? Or will you decide to break the
cycle and assert your independence? But Lawrence, you
say, our bond is so strong, how do I leave? Preach to the
choir brother, because I feel your pain. However, you
can never be complete when your confidence is in
limbo. As victim to her emotional abuse, she has a claim
on your soul and the time has come to reverse the tide.
42
But when you establish a pattern of abuse, the most
painful part is not to endure it on a regular basis, but to
break out of it. Hell, by now the hateful commentary has
become old hat. The hard part is to take a stand.
When you do summon the courage to leave, weather
her storm. Do not make an idle threat. An ultimatum is
good if you stick to it; otherwise, you play the victim
again. Because you know that her bark is worse than her
bite, you can gain control of the relationship and seize
command. As you tip the balance of power with your
unforeseen stance in the face of her abuse, watch her
crumble and become desperate, in classic schoolyard
bully style.
Take your time
You may feel free but her allure may prove formidable
to overcome. As a control freak and predator, she can
push a button and suck you back into the fold. Do not
succumb to her charms.
Stand your ground and endure the natural process at
hand. Take time to heal one day at a time, step by step,
as you begin to restore life back to normal again. As your
confidence soars and you free yourself of her grasp,
breathe a sigh of relief and victory. You have won the
war and beat the cycle of emotional abuse. Now go out
there and find a nice girl that your mother can be proud
of.
43
Types of Emotional Abuse
This section if from this website:
http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#Types%20of%20Emotional
%20Abuse
Here is the article:
Abusive Expectations
•
•
•
•
The other person places unreasonable demands
on you and wants you to put everything else aside
to tend to their needs.
It could be a demand for constant attention, or a
requirement that you spend all your free time
with the person.
But no matter how much you give, it's never
enough.
You are subjected to constant criticism, and you
are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all
this person's needs.
Aggressing
•
Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling,
accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering.
Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and
obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes
by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient
undermines the equality and autonomy that are
essential to healthy adult relationships. This
parent-child pattern of communication (which is
common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most
obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive
stance.
44
•
Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect
form and may even be disguised and "helping."
Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing,
proving, and questioning another person may be a
sincere attempt to help. In some instances
however, these behaviors may be an attempt to
belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The
underlying judgmental "I know best" tone the
abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate
and creates unequal footing in peer relationships.
This and other types of emotional abuse can lead
to what is known as learned helplessness.
Constant Chaos
•
The other person may deliberately start
arguments and be in constant conflict with others.
•
The person may be "addicted to drama" since it
creates excitement.
Denying
•
Denying a person's emotional needs, especially
when they feel that need the most, and done with
the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating.
•
The other person may deny that certain events
occurred or that certain things were said.
confronts the abuser about an incident of name
calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that,"
"I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You
know differently.
•
The other person may deny your perceptions,
memory and very sanity.
•
Withholding is another form of denying.
Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to
45
communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as
punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent
treatment."
•
When the abuser disallows and overrules any
viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which
differ from their own.
•
Denying can be particularly damaging. In
addition to lowering self-esteem and creating
conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings,
and experiences can eventually lead you to
question and mistrust your own perceptions
and emotional experience.
•
Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can
cause you to lose confidence in your most
valuable survival tool: your own mind.
Dominating
•
•
Someone wants to control your every action. They
have to have their own way, and will resort to
threats to get it.
When you allow someone else to dominate you,
you can lose respect for yourself.
Emotional Blackmail
•
•
The other person plays on your fear, guilt,
compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get
what they want.
This could include threats to end the relationship,
totally reject or abandon you, giving you the "cold
shoulder," or using other fear tactics to control
you.
46
Invalidation
•
The abuser seeks to distort or undermine the
recipient's perceptions of their world. Invalidating
occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to
acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient
tells the person they felt hurt by something the
abuser did or said, the abuser might say "You are
too sensitive. That shouldn't hurt you." Here is a
much more complete description of invalidation.
Minimizing
•
Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When
minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a
particular event occurred, but they question the
recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an
event. Statements such as "You're too sensitive,"
"You're exaggerating," or "You're blowing this out
of proportion" all suggest that the recipient's
emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be
trusted.
•
Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser
suggests that what you have done or
communicated is inconsequential or unimportant,
is a more subtle form of minimizing.
47
Unpredictable Responses
•
Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional
outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts
very differently at different times to the same
behavior from you, tells you one thing one day
and the opposite the next, or likes something you
do one day and hates it the next, you are being
abused with unpredictable responses.
•
This behavior is damaging because it puts you
always on edge. You're always waiting for the
other shoe to drop, and you can never know
what's expected of you. You must remain hyper
vigilant, waiting for the other person's next
outburst or change of mood.
•
An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this
way. Living with someone like this is tremendously
demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the
abused person to feel constantly frightened,
unsettled and off balance.
Verbal Assaults
•
•
•
Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling,
screaming, threatening
Excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and
humiliation.
Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making
fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type
of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and
self-worth.
48
Abuse Me, Lose Me by Richard Jones
This article is from SelfGrowth.com and the link is below:
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/jones12.html
Here is the article:
It's usually much easier to get into an abusive
relationship than to get out of it. Everything from fear of
retaliation to feeling helpless can make it difficult for a
victim of abuse to sever ties with the abuser. Things like
unemployment, underemployment, codependency, and
not wanting the children to suffer (though they probably
already are!) can also make it extremely hard for the
victim to simply walk away. And in dire cases, the
pernicious prospect of being publicly humiliated or
perhaps even murdered by the abuser might paralyze
the victim.
Such are reasons to do everything you can to avoid an
abusive relationship altogether or stand ready to swiftly
exit it if you find yourself in one. But as most victims of
abuse will tell you, wanting to be strong and sagacious in
this manner isn't as much a challenge as finding the
actual will-power and wherewithal to do so.
Therefore, this article introduces some powerful
principles that can keep you out of an abusive
relationship or from staying in one. I urge you to take
these principles to heart and seriously apply them to
your life because they'll be useful to you regardless of
your gender and because your partner's first or next act
of aggression may just be one from which you can't
recover.
49
Eluding or escaping an abusive relationship begins with
you rejecting the idea that "it's a thin line between love
and hate." Not only are love and hate separate and
distinct ways of viewing and treating others; the "line"
between these attitudes and approaches to
relationships is as wide as the universe itself. It's not
love that drives someone to hurt or harm another
person. It's not love that compels someone to attempt
to control others at all cost. On the contrary, love brings
out the best in us even during the worst of times.
Instead of stirring a desire in us to keep up a lot of
"drama," love provides us with motivation and a manner
of making the most of whatever moments we share. So
be aware that if your partner claims to love you, it's only
fitting that they follow-up that declaration by doing
things which build you up rather than tear you down.
You will not tolerate being abused if you also believe
that your own health and happiness are more important
than having a wife, husband, or honey. You are just as
significant as your significant other; and a diminished
you is detrimental to you, your relationships, and every
good thing you desire. Love yourself enough to liberate
yourself from such a need for acceptance that you lose
yourself in gaining it. Love yourself and others by doing
what, first of all, is best for you.
Never allow anyone to isolate you from your family,
friends, and acquaintances. These people can be a vital
source of positive affirmation, strength, support,
wisdom, and protection. Even if they're not such good
people, they're still your family, your friends, and your
acquaintances; and no one except you and them should
be allowed to determine the nature of those
relationships. Don't develop the habit of neglecting your
partner to please or appease others, and don't burn any
bridges only to get burned by your partner.
50
Learn how to be independent as well as interdependent
in a relationship. Don't relinquish control of your
thoughts, feelings, and desires to anyone. Always
reserve the right to be yourself, to do your own thing,
and to make choices that are different from what your
partner might choose for you. If your partner truly
respects you, your partner won't attempt to force you to
do anything, but will respect your freedom and dignity
as a human being. If your partner truly respects you as a
mature and responsible adult, your partner won't treat
you like a child, but will offer insight into matters
without insisting that you affirm or conform to their
opinion. Don't dummy-down for your partner. And don't
become so dependent on your partner that you cease to
think for yourself or make decisions that sometimes are
you purely your own.
You're not anyone's property because you're a person
and not a thing. No one owns you, so don't act like you
literally belong to your partner. Don't carry on in the
relationship like you're some domesticated slave
obligated to do massa's will. Your partner doesn't have
any rights to or over you. Be your own person and love
freely, if at all. Besides, love, to be, must be free. And if
you have freedom in your love, wrote one poet, only the
angels above enjoy such liberty.
Be yourself, be true yourself, and honor your partner's
right to do the same. And in so doing, focus on who your
partner truly is rather than who you'd like for them to
be. Don't fall in love with a figment of your imagination
because your relationship can only languish in jeopardy
if it's founded on a lie. Rely on much observation and
not just conversation to learn your partner's true
personality, priorities, and pursuits. And don't pressure
your partner to pretend by constantly telling them how
you want them to act. Watch how they act while always
bearing in mind that often a person is what they
51
consistently do (or don't do!), especially when they're
under pressure.
Be very careful about telling your partner, especially a
prospective partner, what you want in a lover and
relationship because what you say can and often will be
used against you. Instead of working so hard and
feverishly to ensure that your partner does and gives
you just what you want, relax, be patient, and enjoy
their company while seeing what they have to offer.
Don't help anyone deceive you by talking too much.
Note as much about the actual person as you do their
potential. And don't you dare count on them to "change
for the better." If you're lucky, what you see is what
you'll get from now until who-knows-when.
Express your emotions, but don't succumb to
emotionalism. Emotions broken from the cage of sound
reasoning and reality checks will cloud your judgment
and spoil your actions. Follow your heart, but the facts
as well. Acknowledge whatever disparity exists between
what you want and what you have; between what the
relationship could be and what it actually is. And if you
find too great a gap between what the relationship is
and what you need for it to be, exit it before it becomes
the worst thing that you've ever had. Don't permit your
emotions to run amok in and over your life. Don't feel
your way into a living hell.
The only pain you should experience in the relationship
per se is growing pains. Don't tolerate disrespect - things
like dishonesty, "polite put-downs," outright namecalling, tongue thrashings, guilt trips, being cursed out,
threats of violence or abandonment, slapping, grabbing,
and other forms of assaultive contact. At the slightest
sign that your partner is moving toward demeaning and
dictating to you, kindly but sternly warn your partner
that you won't allow yourself to be mistreated. Don't be
52
like the kid who cried wolf, sounding so many false
alarms that your partner eventually ignores all your idle
threats. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Don't settle for less than honesty, respect, good
communication, and the kind of problem-solving that
can strengthen the relationship.
To forgive someone and even continue loving them
doesn't mean that you have to maintain a close
relationship with them. Sometimes a long, long distance
relationship or no relationship at all is the best choice.
Moreover, understand the difference between
explanations and excuses. Perhaps everything can be
explained, but not all explanations, even some of the
best ones, are good excuses. You don't have to excuse
your partner's behavior just because there may be
explanations for it. Regardless of how much you care for
your partner, there might come a time when you'll need
to flee the relationship even while extending
forgiveness.
You don't have to live with everyone you love. More
specifically, to love someone unconditionally doesn't
mean you can't attach conditions to any aspect of your
relationship. Unconditional love means that you will
always care for the person, want what's best for them,
and do what you reasonably can to help them do, have,
and become every good thing they desire. Nonetheless,
whether you seek or sustain a romantic, marriage, or
sexual relationship with them should depend on how
you treat one another and make each other feel.
Believing otherwise will only make you feel obligated to
stay with your partner and try to make it work
regardless of what your partner is or isn't doing to and
for you. Therefore, adhere to this principle: 'We shall be
lovers for as long as we are loving. If we cease to be
loving, we shall cease to be lovers though I may always
love you.'
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Misery might love company, but you don't have to be
the one who entertains it. If being with your partner
becomes more of a bane than blessing, you should get
out the relationship "soon and very soon," especially if
either of you are more determined and doing more to
incinerate the relationship than to improve it.
It's the nature of love to give us hope. So you may wish
to reconcile with your partner after a time of separation.
Just understand that it's best to get away from an
abuser as soon as you can and get back with them only if
they demonstrate in many ways, over a relatively long
period of time, that they've learned better ways of
coping with interpersonal conflict and dealing with
difficulties in the relationship. Avoid cycles of abuse,
though, in which an abuser makes it a habit of showing
signs of progress only to regress, confess, and expect
you to continue putting up with their mess. Be
courageous enough to cut your losses and cut your ties
of intimacy with your partner when notice a pattern of
abuse. It's better to have loved and lost than to lose
your mind, health, or life trying love a loser.
You may be a victim of domestic violence, but don't
become a fool for it. Learn and change whatever you
may be doing either to choose abusive partners or to
encourage and contribute to violence in your
relationships. When appropriate, take responsibility not
only for what's happening to you, but also for why it
may be happening. And if you're as much the problem as
anything or anyone else, change yourself as well as your
situation.
You can't have a perfect relationship because neither
you nor your partner is perfect. But you can strive to
create, nurture, and sustain a perfectly imperfect
relationship in which your partner and you exist for one
another's joy, forgive one another's faults, watch one
54
another's back, patiently endure each other's growth
process, and give what you expect from each other. Just
don't allow this dream relationship to degenerate into a
living nightmare. But if it does, do what you must and
end the relationship before it ends you. Stop domestic
violence before it stops you.
My Take on these articles
This type of information is invaluable. Reading
this type of information is what helped me to get my
mind right. Read and re-read these articles.
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Chapter 3. Tragic Stories in the News.
There have been some tragic stories in the news this
past year as I write this. The stories happened in 2009.
The stories included famous sports stars and regular
people.
There was the Tiger Woods incident in pro golf.
There was the tragic death of Chris Henry of pro
football. And there was a horrible murder story with
normal people in Germantown Wisconsin.
Tiger Woods
Tiger Wood’s wife attacked him with a golf club. It
seems she was very upset about his infidelity.
The story is that he had multiple affairs and
eventually his wife found out about them, became very
upset one night and attacked him with a golf club. He
tried to drive away to escape. I do give him credit for
trying to get away. Some men might turn the violence
back on their wife. Then the woman is dead, the man is
in prison and the kids have no parents. He at least had
the presence of mind to flee.
Of course, the jokes were flying after this. People
take a lot of delight in the tragedy of others.
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But no one talks about what could have happened.
She could have killed him. A golf club can be a deadly
weapon. He could have grabbed the golf club away
from her and killed her instead. The kids could have
woken up to see one or both of their parents dead or
being led away in handcuffs. That is the reality of
domestic abuse and violence and the huge problems of
people staying together too long or when it is just not
right.
Violence is never the solution, in spite of what you
see in the movies.
The movies and TV show how killing is just a normal
state of things. That killing and violence is justified over
every slight and it solves all the problems. But this is just
a movie, just make believe. The actors who get killed
can just make a new movie. The actor who killed is not
in prison, they just go on to the next movie. The
glamorization of death has always been a problem.
It’s a helluva thing, killing a man. You take all he has
and all he will ever have. Clint Eastwood as William
Munny in Unforgiven.
So in spite of Tiger Woods being a lying, cheating-onhis-wife bastard he did not resort to violence to deal
with his wife. He may have behaved incredibly badly
with the multiple affairs but at least he and his wife are
alive to enjoy the rest of their lives and take care of their
children.
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I think the real story of Tiger Woods life unraveling
begins when he was in bed with a woman who was not
his wife years before this. When a person strays it
means that there is a problem in the marriage. Or it can
mean that the person does not really want to be with
the other person.
Tiger should have been telling himself he does not
really want to be married and be faithful to his wife.
This would go for any celebrity of any kind. Just
because it is easier to have sex with other people does
not make it right for your spouse.
If he wanted to be faithful to his wife he could have
just been so. But since he does not, the only solution is
to leave.
His wife does not seem to be cool with the idea of his
affairs, because she attacked him with a golf club. So he
should just leave.
Some women might not mind her husband’s infidelity
as long as he provides a huge amount of cash or at least
enough cash to live on. The reasons a wife would not
mind do not matter as long as she finds it acceptable. If
his wife didn't mind the relationship the way it was it
would not be in the news.
Tiger could have just quietly divorced his wife a few
years ago. When he started having multiple affairs he
could have done the right thing and left. If his wife knew
of the affairs, she also could have done the right thing
and left.
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So what about the money? He will want to and be
required to take care of his kids whether he is living with
their mother or not.
Now his career is in the tank for awhile. His sponsors
abandoned him and the whole sport of pro golf is
reeling.
All because he couldn't leave when he should have.
Chris Henry
Chris Henry is a wide receiver who played for the
Cincinnati Bengals pro football team. He was a rising
star player making a huge salary.
He was engaged to be married.
Chris Henry’s fiancé sped off in a truck. He jumped in
the back of the truck and then he fell out and was killed.
No one has said any of the details.
For some reason he got in the back of the pickup
truck that his fiancé was speeding off in. He fell out and
now is dead. Why didn't he just let her go? Why was
she speeding off? Why did he jump in the back?
To me it is obvious that something bad happened
between them and he did not want to let her go. But
now he is dead and we will never know.
When Chris Henry’s fiancé was driving off he could
have just let her go.
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Germantown Murder
The worst story happened in Germantown
Wisconsin, a nice suburb of Milwaukee. The story is just
terribly sick and is almost too horrible to believe.
A man killed his 14 year old step-son with a
necktie in a Wal-Mart parking lot.
The story is that the man wanted to punish his
wife for telling the police that he had beaten her with a
hammer the Sunday prior to his killing the boy.
Every part of this story is just riddled with
sickness.
First, I don't believe in heaven and hell, but for
guys like that who kill a young boy, you wish there was a
terrible hell for him.
To me the story began when the guy was picking
up the hammer to beat his wife with. He must have
been saying to himself, you know, I just hate this woman
so much or I think what she did to me is so bad or I just
have so much rage in me that hitting her with a hammer
seems like the right thing to do.
What a man ought to be saying to himself is that I
have such terrible feelings toward my wife and since I
am a thoughtful person, instead of picking up this
hammer I will pick up a suitcase instead and leave her. I
do not love her, I hate her. There is no reason to be with
her anymore.
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Didn't it occur to him as he was beating her that
their life together was over? He married her; he must
have loved her at some point. That love is long gone
when you are actually hitting someone with a hammer.
Think what would be going through your mind when you
are beating someone with a hammer. That is not a
make believe movie where violence always seems to be
justified. This is reality I am talking about. This isn’t
actors in some drama; these are actual people killing
and being killed.
Why didn't he think about that?
In his mind when he was beating on his wife, it
must have seemed like the thing to do, otherwise why
would he do it.
It's possible that the things she did provoked him
to violence.
It's just that he did the violence.
He could have chosen to end the violence and
walk out. Instead of picking up the hammer he could
have been picking up the suitcase.
Even if she was spitting out the most vile insults
and profane obscenities to him at the time, he still could
have left.
Even if she was threatening to hit him with a
frying pan, he could have just left.
Even if she was threatening to leave and take his
last dollar, he could have just left.
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You are not any less of a man for leaving. I left my
wife. I couldn't take anymore of her. I had tremendous
anger at her.
I had to leave. It's the best way. It's really the
only way out of a bad marriage or any bad situation.
No amount of counseling will help at that point.
The anger and hate runs too deep. Whatever love there
was is gone.
How can you look at someone you beat with a
hammer? How can you live with someone who beat you
with a hammer?
I know how hopeless everything seems. There is a
stack of bills to pay. Everything you need is so
expensive. You will wonder how you will survive. All the
things you need to do you don't do because you don't
have enough money. You are barely hanging onto a job
you hate. Been there and done all that.
It's just that violence doesn't solve anything.
This is what I mean when I say to get your life
organized enough so that you can take care of yourself.
The woman probably depended on the husband
to live. It was her second marriage and she might have
needed him for survival.
She gets beat with a hammer for what reason. No
one has said so far.
She stays with the guy who beat her, for what
reason, no one says.
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If you get beat with a hammer and you survive it,
you want to get out of there immediately.
Don't wait a week.
The man destroyed multiple lives in that moment.
The boy, the mother, the father of the boy, his, and all
people who knew them.
It is just a senseless act. Killing to get back at his
wife for going to the police to file a complaint against
him for beating her with a hammer.
He ended up turning himself into the police for
killing the boy, why didn't he turn himself in for
physically assaulting his wife?
Now instead of a light sentence for assault and a
chance of making something of his life and letting his
wife and step-son move on with their lives he gets a
lifetime in prison and multiple lives are destroyed. Plus
we all have to support him since he is in prison.
I feel for the woman. She probably didn't know
what to do. This happens all the time in marriages. One
person in the marriage destroys the other. Instead of a
strong, independent woman who takes care of herself
and her kids, she is a weak, dependent person, who
after getting beat on with a hammer by a huge man,
much larger than herself, waits a week to report it to the
police.
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Then when she is at the police station filling out
the mindless paperwork that the police demand, the
husband drives by the police station, puts 2 and 2
together and has the time to pick up her son and kill him
in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Did it occur to anyone that a
person who will beat someone with a hammer is capable
of just about anything, including killing a defenseless
boy?
The killer is a horrific blight on humanity.
There is not much you can do with people who
have so much rage and so much evil, that doing this kind
of unspeakable crime is doable to them.
What you have to do is protect yourself from
these types of people.
Be organized, be vigilant, and protect yourself and
those who depend on you.
Care about yourself enough that you leave a
relationship immediately at the first sign of any type of
abuse.
This type of thinking is so far beyond the
mainstream that I doubt that hardly anyone will
understand what I am talking about.
But think about it.
A woman gets beat with a hammer on Sunday.
After the beating, she apparently just goes on with her
life for a week.
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She must have told her mother about the beating
sometime during the week because her mother
eventually persuaded her to go to the police to report
the beating the following Sunday.
While she was there, the husband gets suspicious,
drives by the police station, see the mothers car and
goes home to get the boy so he can kill him to get back
at her.
Why is it acceptable for people to let themselves
stay in these unbelievably bad situations?
When I think of that guy picking up a hammer and
then beating his wife with it, it sends chills down my
spine. When I think of him killing that boy it just makes
me see how bad of a world we live in that beatings and
killings are the solution instead of leaving.
He could have put down the hammer, and picked
up his suitcase. His marriage was done at that point.
I am just sickened at the thought of him killing
that young boy who probably thought of him as a father
figure.
You can't ever think of leaving a marriage as a bad
thing. Killing a defenseless 14 year old boy and
destroying multiple lives is a billion times worse than
leaving your wife.
Leaving is nothing compared to killing.
When you honestly believe that beating someone
with a hammer is a good idea; that should be your guide
that any love you had for that person is gone.
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But that is why I am writing about it and trying to
get people to understand. I want people to abhor
violence. Not think it is the solution. I want you to think
that your life matters and that you are not here to abuse
others or be abused by others.
I want you to understand that your life has value
and meaning beyond what you are to others. You are
not just a worker, or a soldier, or a cog, or a husband or
a wife. You are a human and that means you have
value. Just as much as value as I do; just as much as the
next person.
Part of the reason I am so interested in the
Germantown story is that I can visualize what could have
happened up there. I can put myself in that guy’s shoes.
I can see how a man could get so frustrated, so enraged
with a woman that he could kill her son to get back at
her.
One of the worst things a person can do is to hurt
or kill someone to get back at someone else. When I
describe it this way it seems so obvious. But this
happens every day, all the time.
What is the U.S. military doing in Afghanistan and
Iraq but hurting and killing people to get back at
someone else. That is the subject of another book I
need to write.
That is Germantown.
That is me.
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I nearly ended up hurting my young son in order
to hurt my wife. I was driven to the brink of madness by
her treatment of me and it happened and I cannot deny
that it happened.
I have spent my entire life as a peaceful man and
in a moment of weakness I became violent.
My wife was very mad at our son for some
perceived words or actions he had toward her and she
insisted that I do something about it. When I heard the
story of what had happened I did not think anything
should be done about it other than maybe talking to him
about it. I think I just told her I would talk to him about
it later. This was not acceptable to her. She just would
not let it alone. She lectured and badgered me for hours
to do something until I snapped. I went to our son’s
room, spanked him fairly hard, threw him down on his
bed and screamed at him to obey his mother.
It was a horrible scene. It was sick. I was just so
enraged and not at him, at my wife. I was taking out my
anger toward her on him. He was just a little boy who
hadn’t done anything that wrong. I cannot even
remember what it was. But my anger toward my wife
came out at a little boy.
I know a lot of people have gone through a lot
worse things with their father than what I did and this
might seem tame to you. I know there are thousands,
maybe millions of people who have been spanked,
whipped, beaten and screamed at.
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But it was not tame to me. I will not use the
saying that others had it worse or some stupid nonsense
like that. My father never did anything like this to me
and this is not the kind of father, or person, I wanted to
be.
Just because you were spanked, or yelled at, or hit
with a belt, or a strap or anything does not make it right.
It is wrong in every case. You are an adult much
stronger than a child. You have no right to treat them
that way. Your parents had no right to treat you that
way.
I want you to end the cycle of violence. It is not
needed. It is not necessary.
I did not want to be the authority figure mean dad
who spanks his kids every time they disobey their
mother. I did not want to be the big, physical father
who intimidates his kids with fear. I did not want to be
the father who gets out the belt and dishes out the
punishment.
That is not me. That is not who I am.
I find that kind of father more of a criminal than a
good dad. I know that is not how people think, but I
think they should.
If I could go back in time and walk out that door
before that event happened I would do it in heartbeat.
I hope that my son can forgive me. I hope that
moment does not scar him for life.
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We get along great, we love each other, but in the
back of my mind I know what happened. I wonder how
he will remember it. Will he forget about it? Will he
bury it in his subconscious? Will he remember it in the
context of his mother driving me to do this? Will he
remember this incident as a terrible thing I did to him?
Will he act out in violence against his own kids
someday? Will all the good things and caring and loving
things I do for him from the moment he was born until
my last breath matter more to him than a terrible, sick
moment of weakness on my part?
I have no idea. I sometimes think I should talk
about it with him. But I am not sure if I can.
I am not sure of the timing on when this
happened. I cannot remember if this happened before I
became aware of the possibility that my wife was
verbally abusing me and that I should leave.
My point in relating this sad story is that taking
out my anger at my son because I was mad at my wife is
totally wrong.
If I could have left right then before I did that to
him it would have been the right time. I wish I could
have just walked out the door instead of into his room.
My marriage was dead even if I did not realize it. I
was only concerned with shutting up a nagging,
demanding shrew. Being a good, caring dad who takes
care of his family and protects his children was the
farthest thing from my mind.
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This is the reality of what happens. Men and
women are brought to the brink of madness by the
constant pressure of verbal abuse they face.
When they snap, that is when the horror happens.
That is Germantown.
Now, maybe what happened in Germantown is
nothing like I described. Maybe the guy is just an evil,
sick, twisted monster. Maybe he was a murderous time
bomb waiting to explode. Maybe his wife was a
wonderful person who treated him with kindness,
respect and love and she never did anything to cause
him such rage.
But what if I am right? What if he snapped?
Doesn't it mean that people really need to treat each
other decently and with empathy?
Doesn't it mean that a person should just leave
someone that treats them badly? Doesn’t it mean that
you should leave a person you are incapable of treating
kindly and with respect? Doesn’t it mean that leaving is
the best, easiest option and the one that causes the
least amount of pain?
If your husband finds fault with everything you do,
can’t you just leave him?
If your boss yells at you and demeans you, can’t
you just quit?
If your friend makes fun of you, can’t you just quit
being his friend?
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If your wife cannot treat you with kindness and
decency can’t you just leave her?
I say you can do all of those things. You can stop
doing anything that is wrong for you and wrong for
others.
Life is not meant for you to be a victim, for you to
be humiliated, put down, called names and yelled at.
You are not owned by anyone. You are not
obligated to live out your life in a predetermined path.
Just because you are married, it does not mean
you have to stay married. Just because you live
somewhere, it does not mean you have to stay there
permanently. Just because you work somewhere, that
does not mean you have to work there forever.
Remember, just as you deserve to be treated well,
you need to treat others well. If you are not capable of
treating others with respect, kindness and decency then
it is up to you to not be around that person.
Think flexibility. Think movement. Think
freedom. Think that leaving is always an option in every
case.
Think for yourself.
Think of kindness and respect for yourself and
others. When you are not receiving kindness and
respect or you are not able to give kindness and respect.
Think Germantown and just leave.
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Common Thread
The common thread between all these stories is a
man/woman relationship that has gone bad and the
inability of anyone in the relationship to leave before it
is too late.
In all cases if one of the parties had left there would
have been no tragedy, no death, no embarrassment, no
permanent scars and no terrible things happening.
Don't you see that when leaving is an option, lives
improve?
Tiger leaving his wife a few years ago would have
improved all their lives. Now his reputation is shattered.
His wife and kids lives are shattered. He will be the
punch line of jokes for years.
Chris Henry is dead.
The man in Germantown destroyed multiple lives.
The stepson is dead. The woman lost a son. All the
family on both sides lost. All the friends of the boy and
anyone who knew these people.
Just because a man would not leave his wife.
Leaving is one of the best answers to a lot of
problems.
Most of our ancestors came to America because they
were leaving something bad behind. They left bad
situations trying to find a better place. No one looks at
them as quitters and cowards because they left. They
are revered and praised precisely because they left.
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One of my all time favorite songs is the “The
Running Kind” by Merle Haggard. The song is his story
of how he likes to be on the move. To me it applies to
leaving any bad situation.
Leaving, it is such a beautiful word.
When a guest who has been at your house too
long, says, I'm leaving now, you are so relieved.
When you are leaving a job you hate at the end of
the day you are so glad to be leaving.
You are so happy to be leaving on a trip.
You are so happy to be going home again.
Leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be
back again. Oh babe, I hate to go. What a beautiful
song. Hate to go, but leaving anyway.
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Chapter 4. Marriage Myths.
Happiness is overrated
I used to say to myself, I can do that standing on
my head. What I meant was that I could take it. I could
wait for happiness. I was strong and tough.
This is a wrong approach to life. The right
approach is to think that your own happiness is the most
important thing in your life after your survival needs are
met. No one really cares whether you are happy or not.
You have to take care of your own happiness.
You have to survive first. Without your survival
needs met, having good relationships is pointless. You
need to make your survival the main goal and get
yourself together enough that surviving is not that
difficult.
Once you are making enough money to live decently
then you can think about relationships and do the things
for your life to make yourself happier.
If you just think of the opposite, that your happiness
does not matter, you can see that your life will cease to
be good anymore.
Your life will unravel slowly at first, then faster and
faster until you cannot even remember being happy.
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I do not agree with people who state that it is a sin or
somehow wrong to be too happy. That happiness is
selfish. It is a lesson to hear my ex-wife say I am selfish
for leaving her. It is as if I do not matter. She is saying
that my happiness is not important.
I am taking back my happiness as you should, as we
all should.
Look into the details of what makes you happy. You
cannot just go along. No one is interested in your
happiness except for you. If you don't find out and do
what makes you happy it is not going to happen.
Everyone else is going to be trying to get happiness for
themselves. So should you.
The people who talk about selfishness and sacrifice
are saying this to get you to give up your happiness and
sacrifice for their happiness.
If only giving to others and sacrifice makes someone
happy, let them do that. But they have no right to insist
that you do that also. Besides, if they say that you need
to do this or you need to do that, what they are insisting
is that they know more than you do.
If being with your spouse makes you happy, if that
person adds value to your life, then you would want to
continue the relationship.
If that person doesn't provide value, and subtracts
happiness from your life then you need to leave that
person.
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Judging whether someone, who you have been with
you a long while is scary stuff. This isn't mainstream
thought. It is deep thought.
Marriage takes a lot of work.
Where did this stupid saying come from anyway?
A good marriage will hardly have any work involved.
Work is normally something you do to get some
other result. You go to work every day to make an
income to live on. You work in your yard to make it look
nice. You work on your house to maintain it. But look
deeper.
If what you do for a living is something you really
enjoy, it ceases to be work.
If you enjoy working on your yard and house, it is
really not work anymore, it is a hobby and an
investment.
Think of marriage the same way. If you love being
with your wife and you two treat each other decent,
that is not work. It is a joyful relationship.
If the only way to stay married to your wife is to
work at it, then it is not worth it.
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You have to compromise a lot for a good marriage.
Why do you have to compromise? Who decided
that a person must compromise?
Usually when you compromise you are giving
something up that you really wanted. In a good
marriage, there will not be hardly any compromise
because each person will be doing what they want.
It only seems like compromise from the outside
because there is so much overlap in what each person
wants. In a good marriage couples just happily know
each other and get along doing things they mutually like
and giving each other the freedom to do things each
likes to do.
You have to forgive and forget.
I think that the phrase, forgive and forget is one of
the worst sayings ever.
It was probably started by someone who had just
hurt someone else and then wanted to not get in
trouble. I mean, doesn't the phrase only help the bad
person in the exchange?
If I hit you and then say you should forgive and
forget; that only helps me, not you. If you forgive me for
hitting you then you will be unlikely to hit me back. If
you forget that I hit you, I will now have another
opportunity to hit you.
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Since you will continue to forgive me and forget, I can
continue to hit you without fear of you hitting me back
and can continue to hit you because I, as a person who
hits another, does it for some sick sense of fun.
Do you see what I mean? It just does not make sense
to forgive and forget; it does not help you at all.
I do choose to move past the wrongs against me so
that the pain doesn't destroy my life. I do not want to
waste any more time dwelling on the hurts and the pain.
I do not want to seek revenge.
But I am never going to forgive the wrongs or forget
them. I will never forgive my wife for being abusive to
me. I can get along with her as parents of our children. I
can be friendly. I will not be antagonistic or seek
revenge. But just because I am a decent person does
not mean I have forgiven anyone of any wrongs against
me. How does forgiving those things help me? It
doesn’t.
If I believed in forgive and forget I would go back to
my wife. I would go back to more abuse. Maybe she
would be nice for awhile, but I am not going to take that
chance.
Forgetting the wrongs is just a stupid saying. Who
forgets the wrongs? Don’t you remember most of the
things in your life, good and bad?
I will never forget. I want to learn from the pain. I
need to know who and what not to get into again.
The only person you will need to forgive is yourself,
just never forget.
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Don’t Be Selfish
We are continually told not to be selfish. But the
more you think about it the less sense this makes. The
people telling you to not be selfish are hypocrites
because they are being selfish by wanting something
from you. They want you to sacrifice for them.
I felt that I should not be selfish too for most of my
life. I knew that my marriage wasn't right, but I stayed, I
sacrificed, I wasn't selfish. I stayed until it was nearly
too late for me to leave.
What I am encouraging you to do is to start thinking
about this kind of stuff. Care about your own life, your
own happiness. No one else will.
It Takes a Long Time to fall out of Love
This story is my first really vivid memory of my
marriage going down the drain. It is so clear to me
because it was so awful and so traumatic.
I am sharing it with you to show you that episodes
like these are where a fairly decent, maybe a little shaky,
marriage can just fall apart in a few seconds.
It does not take years for little bad things to add
up to leaving a marriage. Sometimes, it only takes a few
seconds.
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The story began when my wife, kids and I first
moved to a rental house. We were selling our house in
the City in 2001. We had found a place to rent in the
suburbs. It was a large, 3-bedroom, 2 full bath, 2 car
attached garage, ranch duplex. The kitchen was open to
the dining room and family room. The laundry room
was off the back door. It was a ranch so the basement
was huge with lots of storage space. It was quite new.
The landlord mowed the lawn and plowed the snow. It
was on a quiet cul-de-sac of only about 12 more
duplexes. It wasn't busy at all. The kids could ride their
bikes and scooters in the street.
I loved it. It was exactly what I wanted for my
young family at the time. A nice, big place on a quiet
street that was close to the major roads. We were
renting so there would be no maintenance or
remodeling cost that I hated having with our old house
in the City. It was fairly new and had a big, dry
basement.
My wife hated it.
My goal had always been to leave the City by the
time my son, our first child, started kindergarten. I
missed that goal by 2 years, but I still wanted out. I
hated working for big City government. The work was so
boring and so unnecessary. I just could not get ahead in
that environment of backstabbing and politics and
waiting. The people who got promoted were the worst
sort of lying, conniving bastards. The only managers
who were decent people were the ones who got the job
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because they hung around the longest and there was
really no one else to give the job to.
The worst part was that all City employees had to
live in the City. You would think that in a City of 500,000
people there would be some nice areas. You would
think so, but you would be wrong.
I just cannot stand being forced to do anything,
especially be told where I had to live. When I first took
the job, that requirement was not a big deal to me, I
wanted a job. But as the years slipped by I grew to
resent this intrusion on my life more and more.
I had been trying to get a different job for years
and finally was successful. After I had worked at the
new job for a little over a year I decided it was time to
move from the City. Since I did not know how much
money we would make on the sale of our first house, I
wanted to rent for awhile in the suburbs to get an idea
where we might like to eventually buy.
My wife did not like this idea that much, but she
did go along.
She liked our old house in the City. We had done
a huge amount of expensive remodeling and parts of the
house were really nice, especially the recently
remodeled kitchen. But the house was old and still
needed lots of work.
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The basement leaked so every time we got a
bigger rain there would be water in the basement. That
would not have been a problem if we did not have so
much stuff down there. Who cares if there is water in
the basement if it is empty? Ours was filled from floor
to ceiling with my wife's stuff. It was packed. So every
time it rained and some water got in we would have to
clean the floors and rearrange the stuff. I dreaded every
time it rains. I still dread rain to this day.
The house was small too. It was a good size for
one person, but not 4, especially if one of the 4 is a
packrat.
I really did not want to do all the remodeling we
did. That was my wife's idea. She got her way. I had
bought the house originally because it was so much
nicer than all the houses we were looking at. I spent
about $20,000 more than I wanted to with the idea that
I wouldn't have to work on it.
We were on a cul-de-sac here too but the houses
were really close together. There were more than 100
houses on our street.
About 3 houses down, one of the teenage kids
there was in a gang. I swear I heard gun shots one day
when I was working outside.
All these problems with the house and
neighborhood made me make up my mind that the best
thing to do was leave.
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When I finally got my way on the move, maybe
my wife was angry. She wasn't used to doing what I
wanted to do.
We moved into the place in August while our
house was for sale. It was difficult financially paying a
mortgage and rent but I had hopes that our house would
sell quickly. I was wrong about that. We had put our
house for sale in August just before 9 -11. It did not sell
until November and not for the price we were hoping
for. But it did finally sell by Thanksgiving.
I suppose my wife was bitter about the move. She
couldn't stand to see me so happy about it. To tell the
truth I was just overjoyed about the move. I had wanted
to get out of the City since the day I moved there 12
years ago. It's like the City had a big hand on me and I
could not leave. No matter how hard and how bad I
wanted to leave I couldn't.
Well, when I finally left it felt so good to be free.
Don't get me wrong. I still love the City as a place
to visit, to do business in, just not to live. I guess I'm still
a country boy.
When we moved to our rental place I thought we
could just rent for a few years. I wanted to get to know
the area really well and find the best place for us to buy.
I thought that once my wife went back to work we
would qualify for a nice big mortgage and be able to
really get a nice place plus have money for other things.
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I did not want to buy a house that needed work, I
was sick of all the expensive, messy remodeling. I
wanted to get a newer house that we could just live in
and not have to work on.
My son was already in second grade and my
daughter would be starting school in 2 years. Everything
was coming together really nicely.
I figured that now that we had a rental place that
was in a great location and did not need any work my
wife would want to start working part time. She was
trained as a hair stylist. That type of work can be done
in the evenings and weekends. That would have been
perfect. I could watch the kids after work and on
weekends and we could really make some money.
She didn't see it that way. Instead of looking for
work, she spent all her time looking at houses. She was
constantly on the phone with realtors and spent every
day dragging the kids to look at houses.
One day, a few weeks before Christmas, my wife
and I were in the basement of the rental house. We
were rearranging some stuff for Christmas. We were
hiding some of the bigger gifts for the kids so it would be
a surprise from Santa.
Just as we were moving a big gift for my son, he
popped his head down the basement steps to see what
we were doing. I thought it was cute and tried to cover
up the box.
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My wife went ballistic, screaming at him to go
back upstairs. He did. I got mad at her for being so hard
on him. He was just a little boy, why do you have to
scream at him like that I said? He's our son. He’s only 7
years old.
We got into a huge fight right there in the
basement. I may have even had my hands around her
neck at some point. I was just so mad.
We finally did calm down and seemed to put the
fight behind us.
My son even seemed surprised at Christmas at the
big gift. I don't think he even saw it at the time.
But I think back to that day and know that is when
I should have left her.
I fell out of love in that instant that day. Maybe
my love was dying before, but the screaming match put
me over the edge.
I couldn't stand that type of thing. That is not how
I want to be with my girl, my wife, my lover or with
anyone.
I was so angry at her that I wanted to hurt her.
That was the sign that our marriage was dead.
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Afterwards, we just went on as we normally did. I
went to work and she kept looking at houses and not
looking for work.
But I don’t think I was the same.
We ended up buying a house that spring.
Renting would have been the perfect time for me
to leave financially. We had no house to sell. It would
have been much easier. The rent on the duplex was
much less than the huge mortgage I got myself into
when we bought the house.
Plus now we had to buy new furniture and all
kinds of other things to fill up the house.
It took another 6 years for me to leave. The 6
years did not help me at all. Six years gone. Six years of
fighting and problems. Six years of verbal abuse. Six
years I could have been putting my life back together.
Six years of my life I could have enjoyed.
If it is going bad you need to end it.
I think back to that day in the basement of that
rental house when I was so angry at my wife. I think all
the love I had remaining for my wife drained out of me
in that moment.
I should have left at that time. It would have been
better for everybody if I had the courage to move on.
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But I think what I needed more than courage was
knowledge. The knowledge of leaving is possible and is
the right thing to do. That is what I mean by getting
your mind right.
That is why I am writing to you, now you know.
Staying doesn’t help.
So I offer these ideas that I think will help
someone.
I think of it as reaching back in time to tell a
younger me some things to help me have a better life.
Things that I should have done and not done to avoid all
the problems, mishaps and pain I went through.
When I write some of this stuff I think of all I went
through and wish it never happened.
It is beyond regret. Some of it is just soul
deadening pain.
Why should I have had to have gone through what
I went through? What did I do to deserve the abuse?
All I wanted to do was to have a loving wife and
love her.
Why should anyone have to go through that kind
of pain, any kind of pain?
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I'd like to go to the young man I was before I got
married and shake him and tell him that someday he will
wish he was dead. That he will be thinking of suicide to
escape his wife's verbal abuse.
I'd like to go to the young man I was and tell him
that he will have put on 75 pounds of fat, he will eat till
he is sick, he will not sleep more than a few hours each
night, he will be berated by his wife in front of his young
children, he will have to be defended from his wife by
his young son.
I’d like to tell the young man I was that every
dream he had will be ridiculed and ignored. That what
he said and thinks will not matter.
I’d like to tell the young man I was that life will not
be worth living. I’d like to tell him that all the good
things in life will have no meaning, no pleasure.
I'd like to tell him all this and to not get married.
But would I listen. I do not know. Maybe not.
Maybe at that point in my life I thought I knew
everything.
But that was before I had the Internet. That was
before I spent time learning about myself and learning
about others. That was before I thought I mattered.
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Now, that I have read about the subject deeply
and thought it through intensely I have discovered that
most of the advice you hear about marriage is wrong.
I write to a younger me, and to you, to give you a
different perspective on marriage. To give you some
background information to help you avoid the extreme
problems of a bad marriage. To show you that you do
matter and even though leaving your wife is
tremendously difficult, you can do it and have a good
life.
Maybe I was not capable of seeing the truth.
Maybe I thought everything would turn out wonderfully.
Maybe I thought my life did not matter, that what
my wife mattered more than what I wanted.
But maybe, just maybe, you will think you matter.
You will give a damn about your own life. You will think
about your own happiness. You will put yourself first,
last and always.
You will not put others first. Not even your
spouse. Putting others first, means you are last and that
is the first step on the slippery slope to ruining your life.
I am still young. I am 45. But it is hard to be a
professional engineer making a good living and yet be
broke. I don't own anything of value. I only see my kids
once in awhile and then I am not able to do much with
them because of a lack of money.
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I really thought that by this time in my life I would
have accumulated some money.
I thought that I would have been able to provide
better for my kids and to have shared things with them
that would really help them
Sometimes I think the only lesson of value I have
given to my kids is finding the courage to leave their
mother.
But if there is a valuable lesson in there it is just
that. Don't be me.
My wife saved the worst of the abuse for me
privately but my kids did see how she was to me at
times.
But I wonder if they will remember that or if I will
just be another father who left. Another dead beat dad.
I just get sick of the abuse heaped on men. How does
anyone know why a man has to leave? How can anyone
judge?
What gives anyone the right to judge someone
else?
How does anyone know what another has gone
through or had to endure?
Why should anyone have to stay in a marriage and
be miserable?
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Why is it always assumed that you have to stay no
matter what?
Why do you even need a reason? Isn't the
wanting to leave the reason? Why do you have to justify
leaving?
I left under incredible verbal abuse. But why
should I even be proud for staying as long as I did?
Staying only prolonged my own agony. It did not help
me. I only stayed to help others. I did not want to
inconvenience others.
Looking back I see that I was really a chump and a
fool who put no value in my own life. I stayed for all the
wrong reasons.
Don't be me.
The House is for your wife
An indicator of how good your marriage is for you
as a man is how much of your home, garage, extra
buildings and land is considered yours by your wife.
What I mean is do you have some areas that are
yours to set up how you want, that are considered your
space and that your wife does not have any influence
over.
Normally men make the bulk of the money in a
marriage. As such, traditionally a man had parts of the
house be his to set up how he liked it for his comfort or
sense of style or how he wanted to use the area.
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Areas like a den, an office, a library, a TV room,
maybe your own bathroom, a shop in the basement, a
media room, a workout room, a play room, the garage,
the shed or the entire yard.
My dad had a den. It was a separate room that
functioned as an office. He also listened to music, made
paintings, played the guitar and sat in there to think or
read. When he had the door closed, the kids and my
mom would not go in there. He did not really spend that
much time in there but it was his. My mom did not
decorate it or try to change it.
We lived in the country on a small farm and all the
barns, sheds and land were basically his to work and do
what he wanted with. My mom just let him be. The rest
of the house was considered hers to decorate how she
wanted.
My ex-wife’s father had more than half of their
entire basement considered his. He had a shop, TV
room, storage areas for his collections and his own
bathroom. He also had the garage and the entire yard.
His wife never bothered him about how he kept these
areas. The rest of the house was hers to decorate as she
wanted.
I really wanted that kind of an arrangement for
myself. I thought it was so wonderful that their wives
just let them enjoy their spaces without any interference
from them.
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In my case, my wife did not think this way at all.
She grudgingly let me have some small areas in the
basement of our big home. It was a 2,400 square foot
ranch house with a full, unfinished basement but she
would not let me have hardly any area that was mine
alone.
I did have a shop, a workout room and an office
area in the basement. But she was always putting more
of her stuff in those areas making it extremely difficult
for me to use them. She piled up all kinds of extra things
around my weight bench so I could not use it. She was
always putting more and more of her stuff in my office
area. She would insist that I set up my areas in the way
she wanted and be enraged if I wanted to make a
change. She would even get upset with me how I
mowed the lawn and trimmed the edges. It is hard to
explain, but it all this was irritating to me. She had all
the upstairs and 75% of the basement and still wanted
more. It was like what I wanted did not matter.
What is the big deal you say? You may think a
man should not care about such things. He should be
content to go to work every day and when he comes
home he should just shut up and do what his wife wants.
Men know nothing about decorating anyway. Just let
her do what she wants.
But it is important to men. If it was not important
to me I would not be writing this. If it was not
important, you would not be reading this.
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Think of it this way. You are already a slave to the
government tax man. Half of what you make is stolen by
the government. You work 5 days a week, all year long.
You are a slave to your job. You owe the bank all that
money for your house. You are a slave to the bank.
Now your wife insists that your own home is really best
left in her hands. You do not know how to decorate.
You do not know what is stylish she will say.
Now you are a slave to your wife. She wants to
make all the decisions. She insists on the house looking
a certain way. She decides on all the furniture,
furnishings and decorations. She decides where the
furniture goes, where the TV is and where the chairs are.
She resists your ideas on how the house should look.
She will not listen to how you want things to be. She will
not even discuss it.
That is one sign that your wife thinks you do not
matter. It may not be the biggest thing to you. You
may want her to just take care of all that stuff. But if
you find yourself arguing with her about these types of
things, you will realize that your wife does not really
care about you. If she cared about you, she would not
argue with you about where you want to put the chair in
front of the TV. She will keep her stuff out of your areas
so you can enjoy them fully.
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Leaving is Not an Option.
It is hard to believe that people will be reluctant
to leave a bad marriage and will discourage others not
to leave when, in fact, leaving is nearly always the best
choice. Look at my list of good leaving:
• Leaving a physically violent spouse or partner.
• Leaving a verbally abusive spouse or partner.
•
Leaving abusive parents when you are old
enough.
• Leaving a job you hate.
• Leaving a so-so job for a much better one.
• Leaving friendships that are not good for you.
• Leaving the table before you are stuffed.
• Leaving the bar before you have drank too much.
• Leaving a party if drugs are there.
• Leaving a bad situation in the street, like before a
riot starts.
• Leaving on a jet plane. Don't know when I'll be
back again.
• Leaving the situation before it gets out of hand.
• Leaving early enough to get home while you are
not tired.
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• Leaving behind any other bad habits you may
have.
• Leaving a war.
• Leaving school when you are done.
• Leaving work at the end of the day.
• Leaving on vacation.
• Leaving to go home again.
• Leaving well enough alone.
• Leave them alone.
• Leave me be.
• Leave it to me.
• Leaving New Orleans before Hurricane Katrina.
• Leaving Haiti before the earthquake.
• Leaving Europe before World War 2.
• Leaving Korea.
• Leaving Vietnam.
• Elvis has left the building.
I always want to be in a position to be able to easily
leave. I sit by the aisle. I have my car handy. I want it
to be easy to leave, not hard.
Leaving is one of the best ways to improve your life.
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Leaving is like de-cluttering. You are not getting rid
of something you are taking yourself out of a bad
situation.
Leaving is just a good method to improve your life.
It is crucial to be able to recognize what is good for
you and who is good for you.
It is like when you are a kid and your friend dares you
to do something dangerous.
Do you do it? Are you aware enough at that time in
your life to know that the dare may be dangerous or
that the friend may not be looking out for your best
interests? Do you just not do the dare and leave your
friend standing there?
I know some people think that childhood is an idyllic
time of innocence, but for some kids it is not. I just am
pointing out that the things you face as a kid you will
also face as an adult.
You will want to have friends. But you may find that
the friends you have are not good for you.
In my case I wanted to have a wife. But I found out
that my wife was not good for me. It did not matter
how much I worked on myself and how much I tried to
understand her. It did not matter if I put her up on a
pedestal and tried to make her every dream come true.
Her way of being was wrecking me.
The way she treated me was destroying me.
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My confidence was shot. My self esteem was
destroyed. I was a shell of a man. It took all I had to
leave. It took even a little more than that to stay gone.
I could not get her to stop being that way to me. I
asked her to. I begged her to. I pointed out how the
way she was treating me I did not like.
All that did not matter.
The only way to save myself was to leave.
Keep the leaving option always available.
Another way to look at this is to stay out of situations
that make it difficult to leave.
The situations that are the most difficult to get out of
are the ones that can be the worst for you. The powers
that be have a huge interest in you not leaving.
If you join the military you have to sign up for a
period of time. If you want to leave before that time is
up you cannot without a lot of difficulty.
It is not just a like having a bad job that you can just
quit. If you leave, you can be jailed.
So, to me being in the military is not something
anyone should be doing. Anything is better than that.
Can you imagine anything worse than having to stay in
something you do not want to be in?
It is not that hard to leave a marriage anymore.
There is not the stigma attached to it like there once
was. But there is a huge financial price to pay that
makes it difficult anyway.
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Getting married is not something anyone should get
into lightly either.
Being in a loving relationship is a wonderful
experience. But being in a bad relationship will make
you forget all the good times and make you wish for
death.
It's all well and good to say just leave your spouse
when it goes bad. That is my mindset...now.
It was not before. When I got married it was what I
wanted. The problem was that my wife would just go
ahead and do things that affected me...a lot...without
my agreeing to what it was that she wanted.
To me, that was a huge problem. She just went
ahead with things that were incredibly difficult to
resolve. The secondary problem was my inability to get
her to stop doing these things.
I tried. I tried all the years of my marriage. I
discussed. I reasoned. I appealed to her emotions. I
argued. I begged. I pleaded. I threatened. So anyone
who says I just up and left is way off base.
I did not want to leave either. I wanted to be her
husband. I wanted a wife and a family. I wanted to see
my kids every day. I wanted a woman to grow old with.
I wanted all that. I wanted her to be happy.
That is what I wanted most of all.
My thoughts now are that in my wanting to make her
happy I lost sight of what is the most important thing a
person does is make you happy.
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Everything you do should be in relation to making
yourself happy.
Once you start doing things only to make others
happy you are lost. You are on the downward slope
toward your own destruction and ruin.
Some people will say that well your wife has a mental
problem. She is unbalanced, she needs medication. You
are right about that. She is on medication now. I do not
know what. She may be bi-polar or something of that
nature. No one will tell me what. I guess it is none of
my business now. But it was when I was on the
receiving end of her abuse.
No one helped me with any of this. How could they
since they did not know. Even if someone knows about
the abuse there is not much anyone else could do.
I just took her abuse for years and became less. I just
don't think that just because a person is mentally
unbalanced and needs medication it is an excuse to be
terrible to others. That the others should just go on
taking it. Even if you know the person is saying all those
terrible things are due to an illness, it still hurts. You still
hear it. It still affects you. You are lessened as a person.
I talked to her as much as I could about her
treatment of me. How I could not take it. She did not
care.
She did not care.
That was my reality.
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If you are thinking about marriage here are some of
the things you could do to make leaving easier and both
your lives better:
• Keep separate checking, savings and credit cards.
Having your own money is the best thing for both
of you.
• Insist that your wife work as soon as the kids are
in school. Your wife should be making some
money even when the kids are small.
• Wait to have children until you have accumulated
a lot of money.
• Continue to do things you want to do.
• Do not go with her to everything she wants to do.
• Be ready to leave at any time.
• Keep your car gassed up and in good condition.
Keep some needs hidden in your car. Have a good
sized car. I cannot understand the fascination
with tiny cars. How can you haul a lot of stuff
with you when you leave? How can you sleep in
your car? How can a small car be considered
safe? How can you speed away from trouble in a
little car with a small engine?
• Know how to get to a safe place, such as friends or
family?
• Have enough cash and credit to live in a hotel for
weeks.
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• Have a P.O. Box or UPS mailbox in a safe location
for your private mail.
• Have passwords on your email and computer.
Privacy.
• Get a gun, ammo and learn how to use it.
• Carry a knife.
• Keep objects handy that can be used as weapons.
Things like baseball bats, heavy steel flashlights
and frying pans.
All these things have to do with preparing yourself
to leave or deal with any bad situation. I think it is
just smart to be prepared.
Being ready to leave and being better prepared is
what I have learned the most from my experience of
leaving my wife.
That leaving a person who is bad for you, or is no
good for you, or that you do not love is a good thing.
It is the best thing.
Leaving is usually the best option.
Leaving might be the only option before
something really terrible happens.
The shame, humiliation, embarrassment and
financial loss of leaving are nothing compared to the
loss of life that can happen.
And it is so much easier to leave than run.
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If you have kids teach them that it is ok to leave.
Teach them that they need to be prepared to run.
Teach them that if they understand themselves better
and are able to read situations better then they will be
able to easily leave rather than be forced to run.
Teach them that they will have a place to go, to stay,
and to live you if they need to. They do not have to stay
in a bad marriage.
I tell my kids that they will always have a place to stay
with me. They are always welcome, now and until my
last day on earth.
Think of the parents of that woman in Germantown
whose husband beat her with a hammer, then killed her
son, their grandson, with a necktie when she went to
the police.
What if that was your daughter? What would your
advice be? What would you say to your daughter?
Would you say you are married and you have to make
the best of it? That what god has wrought let no man
tear asunder. Or wouldn't you just want her to leave?
Wouldn’t you say to her that she can stay with you
for as long as she needs to?
What if that was your son? Wouldn't you want him
to leave before taking a life and destroying a lot more
lives? Wouldn’t that been the right thing to do?
Wouldn't you have wanted him to leave before
picking up that hammer the first time?
Why doesn't anyone see that?
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Why does no one say that?
Why does no one care?
Why don't we learn to take better care of ourselves?
Why does beating someone with a hammer seem ok?
Why does not leaving a person who beats you a good
thing?
I do not think it is just about the money either.
Tiger Woods is rich beyond all comprehension. He
could take care of thousands of woman financially. Yet
Tiger did not leave.
You are not any less of a man for leaving. I left my
wife. I couldn't take anymore of her. I had tremendous
anger at her.
I had to leave. It's the best way. It's really the only
way out of a bad marriage or any bad situation.
No amount of counseling with help at that point.
The anger runs too deep.
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Married Men are Healthier
This myth is only true if your marriage is good for
you. In my case, I never slept for 8 hour a night more
than 2 nights in a row. This would be on some Friday
and Saturday nights. I ate whatever my wife made plus
all kinds of junk food at work so I could keep working. I
never exercised. The worst was that her verbal abuse
affected me so deeply that I did not want to get old with
my wife.
Check out this recent story from the New York
Times:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/18/magazine/18marriage-t.html?_r=3&src=me&ref=general
It only makes sense that t happy person will be
healthier than an unhappy person. A person living with
verbal abuse is way beyond unhappy anyway. There will
be some serious depression.
Don’t listen to any garbage saying married men
live longer. It just doesn’t make sense. You can choose
to eat healthier, exercise, get proper rest and take care
of yourself. You do not need a wife telling you to do all
those things.
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There is Plenty of Time.
I am just so bitter about all the time I have wasted
over the majority of my life doing things I did not want
to do. The list is just endless. I want you to understand
that you don't have to go through all that. Going
through any misery is not necessary.
My list starts with the biggest time waster and life
destroyer there is; a bad marriage.
I was married for 14 years and spent most of
those years doing things I did not want to do. I:
• Worked excessive amounts of overtime trying to
make enough money to live on. My wife refused
to get even a part time job and she spent a huge
amount of time complaining about and criticizing
women who did work. Since she was so critical
about working women, I found it very difficult to
discuss the matter of her going back to work. She
spent as much money as she could and had no
qualms about it.
• Did all kinds of work around the house that she
started and could not finish. She would just start
taking apart the house and make a huge mess that
I would have to spend huge amounts of time,
effort and money to complete. None of these
projects were my idea.
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• Went to every one of her family parties and
stayed late into the night even when I had to be at
work the next day. I drove home in the middle of
the night exhausted taking a chance on all our
lives.
• Overspent money that I did not have trying to
please her. It was never about giving her gifts
either. She just charged up the credit cards, spent
whatever cash we had and wrote checks. She did
not care about me and our future at all.
• Ate junk food at work trying to stay awake on all
the nights I worked late. While all my co-workers
were home relaxing I was working. I needed the
junk food to keep going. I'd eat until I could not
eat anymore and then be able to work a few more
hours.
• Listened to her verbally abuse me for hours on
end. I just was hoping it would stop. She only
stopped when she wore herself out.
• Listened to her lecturing me for hours on all my
faults.
• Listened while she complained about everything
else and everyone else also.
• Avoided my family and friends for all the years I
was married.
• Took her abuse thinking that a man can take
anything.
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• Wished I was dead and always hoped I would die
young. I had thoughts of suicide; it just seemed
like a way out.
• Tried to make the best of it. I tried to stay positive
and was happy when she was in a good mood.
• Thought it would get better.
• Thought she would stop spending so much
money.
• Thought she would get a job and help me.
• Thought she would stop wasting so much time
complaining.
• Thought she would be happy.
• Thought that once I get things the way she wants
them, then I will be able to do something I want.
• Thought she would love me, for me.
I thought wrong.
It seemed that I just did nothing I wanted.
Everything was for her.
A person must think of themselves first. You must
be first, last and everything in between. Once your wife
is everything to you, you are no more. Every minute of
every day is hers. Any decision is hers. If you do decide
something for yourself, watch out. She'll make you pay.
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You need your wife’s permission
I was always mentioning to my wife the other
married men that we knew, what they were doing and
how they were spending their spare time.
I did this trying to show her that other married
men did things and had some enjoyment and that I
should too. She didn't agree.
I pointed out that her father had a lot of free time
and did all kinds of fun things, by himself, when he was a
younger man. He worked in the yard by himself. He
worked in his basement shop by himself. He spent time
in his basement den by himself. He played basketball
games with his friends. And he biked hundreds of miles
every summer. She admired him for all he did, along
with working a full time job and being a dad. He even
had rooms in the basement that were just his. He had a
workshop, a den, a bathroom and storage areas for his
collections.
Why couldn't I have a tiny fraction of that time for
what I wanted to do?
In her mind I couldn't.
I gave her the examples as a way of asking for her
permission. She never gave me that.
The few times I just went ahead and did what I
wanted, she made my life a living hell afterwards. I am
sure that a lot of men just do what they want and their
wives are fine with it. Not mine. She was not fine with
it, no sir.
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The one time a year I would want to go up north
with friends was too much free time for me, in her
opinion.
One year I left at 7 p.m. on a Saturday and got
back home by 7 a.m. on Sunday. I was gone less than 12
hours. This was too much for her. She doled out the
misery for months.
This kind of treatment nearly destroyed me. The
time I spent with her was ruined for me. All this time
afterwards is me trying to put my life back together.
I can't even say that I was blind to how it was. I
was the one who knew that other men had it so much
better than me. The evidence was right there. I was
telling her how better those guys had it better than me
and that for me to be happy I had to have that kind of
free time.
She disagreed, saying that those guys didn't have
it so good and besides their wives were letting them do
too much. She said she would clamp down on those
guys if she was married to them.
I said that they all seemed so happy with the way
they had it.
I tried to get her permission, mistakenly thinking
that is what a husband does. She did not give it. I didn't
just do what I wanted. I just did what she wanted.
There was not much time for me. She was the parent, I
was the child. It was sick.
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I thought that all I would have to do is tell her,
communicate, what I needed and wanted and she would
not stand in my way, that she would support me.
Wrong.
She was not interested in what I wanted.
That is the lesson. You have to have some
enjoyment and take it. Your wife is not going to give it
to you. She is not going to give you any permission. She
is not going to make it easy on you. Some wives are
going to do everything in their power to make it hard for
to do anything you want.
I guess I learned to take my own happiness as a
younger man. I just did what I wanted as much as I
could. I did not ask for permission when I was 18 and I
wanted to go out on the weekend. I just told my mom
and dad that I was going. They were not happy about it,
I could tell. They would have preferred that I stay home.
It would have less worrying for them. But I needed to
go. I was respectful to them. I did nothing to
embarrass them. I spent time with them. But I needed
to go out. I needed to be with friends. I needed to meet
girls. I needed to drive fast. I needed to drink beer. I
needed to have fun.
I know it would have been easier for them if I
would not have gone out. Less worrying, less stress and
less wondering if I would be ok. But I needed to live.
I did not tell them what I was going to do. I did
not talk about it afterward. I just did it. It made me
happy.
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When I was on my own in college and after, there
was no one to ask permission of so it was pretty easy
and pretty great.
Then when I got married, somehow my wife
thought that I should be asking her permission for
everything and I got stuck with that arrangement. After
awhile I had to ask permission to just use the bathroom.
I could not just do what I wanted even when what
I wanted was things to help our family. I was not
interested in bowling, golf, fishing, hunting, volleyball or
watching excessive amounts of sports. I was interested
in business and real estate. I wanted to make some
more money. I needed to spend time doing this. I
figured in the long run I would make some good coin
and be able to take care of my family better.
My wife did not agree. She demanded that I just
do what I was doing. Go to work every day and then
come straight home and work around the house. She
would not support me in these things. I really did not
need that much support. All I really wanted was for her
to not spend so much money and for some free time to
think, study and plan. That did not seem like much to
me.
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This is supposed to be Funny. You tell me.
A man was not feeling well at all. After many
months of suffering he finally went to the doctor
accompanied by his wife. After his examination, the
doctor called the man’s wife into his office alone. He
said - "Your husband is suffering from a very severe
stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your
husband will surely die:
1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant at all times.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for
him.
5. Don't burden him with chores.
6. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only
make his stress worse.
7. No nagging.
8. And most importantly, make love with your
husband several times a week.
If you can do this, the doctor said, for the next 10
months to a year, I think your husband will regain his
health completely and go on living a normal life.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife:
"What did the doctor say?"
“He said you're going to die," she replied.
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Chapter 5. Right Mind Strategies
This chapter lays out different, and I think better
ways of thinking so you don’t find yourself spiraling
downward as a victim. Once a verbally abusive person
has your mind, you are lost. It takes an extreme amount
of will power to get you back.
Visualize a future you
A helpful first exercise to get you to act now rather
than wait is to visualize you and your spouse as retired
and elderly. You are both at home most of the day. You
are too old to work and too old to go anywhere. You are
together all day, every day.
Now think of how your spouse treats you when that
person is in a foul mood. Think of the name calling, the
profanity, the sarcasm, the belittling, the putdowns and
humiliation. Think of all the ways your spouse mistreats
you. But now, instead of going to work every day to
escape the abuse you are too old to work.
Think of being an old man with no way to escape that
situation. You are trapped. It is a prison and there is no
place for you to go.
To me that is a horror story beyond compare. Just
thinking about that was enough to wake me in the
middle of the night. I thought of all that time available
for my wife to just come at me all day, every day. I
cannot leave to go to work or anywhere. I am too old.
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The thought of growing old with her terrified me.
Whenever I had a cold or the flu and needed to be home
and in bed a few days she was just merciless with me.
She would berate me for my poor health and how I
was such a burden. What would happen when I got old
and had a real problem beyond just spending a day or
two in bed?
Visualization works for the bad as well as the good.
Affirmations
This section includes all the hand written
affirmations and statements that I kept in a small
notebook that I carried with me almost everywhere.
This list was gathered from all the reading and research I
did leading up to the day I eventually left.
I read through this list all the time in order to get
my mind right. I needed this written list to remind
myself of what was important to me and to think highly
of myself. When a person is being verbally abused, you
will tend to feel bad about yourself and be depressed
and down on yourself and on life.
I kept referring to the list to get me through the
misery when my wife was verbally abusing me. I read
this list during any free time I had. Sitting on the toilet,
for example and whenever I could get the chance.
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Here is the list, you may want to print out these
pages and carry them with you:
• My wife lets me be me.
• My wife does not try to change me.
• My wife doesn’t dwell on the past.
• My wife does not talk too much. She lets me have
a say.
• My wife does not complain about what she
doesn’t have.
• My wife does not complain about things that
annoy her.
• My wife lets me make all the decisions, or we
make the decisions together.
• My wife does not compare me to other men.
• My wife does not try to dominate me.
• My wife does not try to control me.
• My wife does not verbally abuse me.
• My wife doesn’t talk about others.
• My wife doesn’t gossip.
• My wife doesn’t talk about others.
• My wife is positive.
• My wife is not negative.
• My wife does not argue.
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• My wife does not talk about her old boyfriends.
• I respect myself and my life and I deserve to be as
happy and successful as possible. T. Harv Ekker.
“Secrets of the Millionaire Mind.”
• I treat myself with dignity and respect and expect
others will as well.
• My relationships are harmonious.
• All my people support me emotionally and with
support.
• My life’s highest purpose is my own happiness.
Randy Gage.
• My health and happiness is the most important
thing in my life.
• I love myself by always doing what is best for me.
• I do not tolerate disrespect.
• I deserve to be happy.
• I stick to my guns.
• I treat myself well.
• I accept myself.
• I am in control of my life.
• I live clutter free.
• I avoid energy drags.
• I know what I want and am always working
toward that.
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• I avoid negative people and situations.
• I stay away from complainers.
• I avoid toxic situations such as arguing, gossiping
and backstabbing.
• I revere my life, body and mind.
More on what is Verbal Abuse
I filled my little notebook with the following
information describing verbal abuse in all its forms. This
information is crucial to you understanding what forms
verbal abuse can take and how it will affect you.
• If your relationship is demeaning, makes you feel
bad about yourself, leaves you feeling like you’re
never listened to, and you’re getting more
criticism than praise, then it’s time to get out. A
good relationship makes you feel respected and
loved, worthwhile and good about you. Patricia
Evans.
• If you feel terrible about yourself when you are
with that person, something is wrong. If your
sense of who you are is very different than it had
been before you met that person, something is
wrong. The way you feel about yourself, your
sense of identity is key.
• Love should not hurt.
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•
Love should be life giving, not life destroying.
• Spending a lifetime with a person who makes
every day of your life unpleasant is a terrible
alternative.
• By Patricia Evans: She has never seen a woman
transform from a seriously verbally abusing her
mate to treating him with empathy. The
therapists she’s talked about this issue have not
seen verbally abusive women change either. It’s
highly unlikely for women to change. Thousands
of women have told her stories of how they were
verbally abused, only three women in a dozen
years ever made appointments with her because
they themselves were abusive – and all three
cancelled at the last minute.
If you are hoping that your wife will change,
would stop telling you what you are, what you
think, what you should do, what your opinion
should be, or will stop raging at you when you
explain yourself or when you ask nicely – “Please
don’t do that” or “Please don’t call me that,” you
must know that the odds are against your partner
changing. She has not seen a verbally abusive
woman change to validating her mate. The
woman must be very damaged.
• Always remember, respect is another word for
love. You deserve respect in a relationship and
should leave any relationship where respect is not
shown.
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• No one deserves abuse. Nothing you have ever
done justifies abuse.
• Abuse does not get better with time. It only gets
worse, much worse.
• Verbal abuse always escalates.
• Verbal abuse consists of comments that cause you
to feel “less than”. They cause you to have that
sinking feeling in your stomach. That feeling of
betrayal, hurt, depression, sadness and grief.
• When you notice that you are being verbally
abused, you have two choices:
1. You can keep allowing it to happen, which
will cause you to feel even less than you
have ever felt in the past. Or
2. You can ask the abusive person to
completely stop. If she does stop, this is
fantastic. If she doesn’t stop, then you are
going to have to summon all your inner
truth, all your real feelings about the verbal
abuse you receive each day, and walk out of
this person’s life. If you have asked the
abusive person to stop many times and
nothing has changed, nothing will change.
The abusive person will not just stop
because you ask again.
• People who tell you to understand the abuser and
to remain in the abusive situation need to
reconsider. Never take abuse or tolerate it, not
even for a few minutes.
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• Verbal abuse comes in the form of snide remarks;
put downs, insults, degrading comments, forceful
demands, controlling tones and harsh words.
• Once your wife has chosen abuse, end the
relationship promptly and irrevocably.
• If a person doesn’t recognize that they need to
change, they certainly won’t.
• Nobody has the right to abuse anyone else, ever.
• If you stay in a verbally abusive marriage, you are
teaching your children:
1) It is OK to be abused.
2) It is normal not to be happy.
3) It is OK to treat your loved ones in an abusive
way.
Therefore, you are doing your children no favors
by staying. Teach them self respect and survival.
• It is better to live in a desert land, than with a
contentious and vexing (wo)man. Proverbs 21.19
• Make no friendship with an angry (wo)man, and
with a furious (wo)man do not go, lest you learn
(her)his ways and set a snare for your soul.
Proverbs 22.24-26.
• Remember guys, once the girl loses respect, which
is the foundation for interest level…for you, you
can never get it back. Dr. Love.
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• Nothing excuses an adult’s selfish, disrespectful or
abusive behavior toward another human being.
Treatment is difficult and the prognosis tends to
be poor for very angry people.
• Spending a lifetime with a person who makes
every day of your life unpleasant is a terrible
alternative. It makes sense to waste as little time
as possible on those individuals who offer only
unpleasantness, which in turn will leave you with
more time to find quality people who have the
potential to be net producers rather than net
takers. By Robert Ringer.
• Your wife is the one person in the world you
should be able to count on to be nice to you. If
she’s mean to you, it’s bad for your health and
you’re better off alone.
• You must make a life decision that you would be
rather be well by yourself than be sick with
someone else. It means you would rather be by
yourself, treating yourself with dignity and
respect, and living healthfully and happily than be
with a partner you cannot trust. Life Strategies
by Phil McGraw.
• Huge numbers of people make mistakes in
marriage, stand by the bargain, and go through
life miserable and unhappy, because they fear
criticism which may follow if they correct the
mistake. Anyone who has submitted to this form
of fear knows the irreparable damage it does by
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destroying one’s ambition and the desire to
achieve. Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill.
• The wrong selection of a mate in marriage is a
most common cause of failure. The relationship
of marriage brings people intimately into contact.
Unless the relationship is harmonious, failure is
likely to follow. Moreover, it will be a form of
failure that is marked by misery and unhappiness,
destroying all signs of ambition. Think and Grow
Rich by Napoleon Hill.
• Your highest moral purpose must be your own
happiness. You must not sacrifice yourself to
others, because that is depravity. It is depravity
because it is a certain state of moral corruption
and degradation. It is sick, a sure sign of mental
illness. Randy Gage.
• Ask yourself, “What is it costing me to be in this
relationship?” If the answer is your dreams,
identify or dignity, the cost is too high.
• If you are not a team years into your marriage,
you probably never will be.
• Living peacefully with certain individuals is next to
impossible.
• The angry and furious person is not given to let off
steam occasionally. The person is a veritable
steam engine with subnormal boiling points and
extra loads of fuel. Anger is their path to life. If
you feel trapped with no way out, you probably
are. If you stay, you will become like that person.
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• My health is more important than having a wife.
• My happiness is more important than having a
wife.
• I love myself by doing what is best for me.
• My partner builds me up.
• I do not tolerate disrespect.
• I am in control of my life.
• One of the worst things that can happen to your
health and happiness is to live with a resentful,
angry or abusive partner. The worst thing you can
do to your soul is become a resentful, angry, or
abusive partner. And the worst thing you can
develop in a love relationship an identity as a
victim, which destroys your personal power and
solid sense of self.
Basic Needs in a Relationship
I found this list of basic needs in a relationship
from a resource. I think the author was named Evna.
The author says that if you have been in an emotionally
abusive relationship you may not have a clear idea on
what a healthy relationship is like. With that idea in
mind here is a list of the basic needs in a relationship:
• The need for good will from others.
• The need for emotional support.
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• The need to be heard by the other and to be
responded to with respect and acceptance.
• The need to have your own view, even if others
have a different view.
• The need to have your feelings and experience
acknowledged as real.
• The need to receive a sincere apology for any
jokes or actions you find offensive.
• The need for clear, honest and informative
answers to questions about what affects you.
• The need for freedom from accusation,
interrogation and blame.
• The need to live free from criticism and judgment.
• The need to have your work and your interests
respected.
• The need for encouragement.
• The need for freedom from emotional and
physical threat.
• The need for freedom from angry outbursts and
rage.
• The need for freedom from labels which devalue
you.
• The need to be respectfully asked rather than
ordered.
• The need to have you final decisions accepted.
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What’s right with you
Instead of always asking yourself, what's wrong
with you? Ask yourself, what's right with?
Think well of yourself. Do what is right for you.
Do what feels good.
Don't do things because you feel like you have to,
do things because you want to do them.
You should not feel like you have to do everything
your wife tells you to do. You are not a slave, you are a
human and deserve to do or not do what you think is
right.
You need to be number one in your life. Put
yourself and your needs first. Sacrificing for others is
always wrong.
A lot of the divorce stories describe how money is
the problem. If you are not making enough money to
suit your wife, you may be capped out in what you can
earn in your field. Jobs only pay so much. If your wife is
not satisfied with how much money you have, she can
go to work to bring in more money.
One of the ways to think of it is that everyone has
certain talents, skills and abilities. Conversely, everyone
has certain limitations and things that they are not good
at. Some of these things a person would never be good
at no matter how hard you tried. That's life.
When you watch pro sports there will be some
athletes with amazing abilities. They will do things that
are mind boggling.
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The announcer will usually say what a hard worker
that player is; implying that the hard work is what made
the player great.
They are way off base. It is not the hard work. No
doubt they work hard. But if I work just as hard I am still
not going to be able to do what they do.
I have to apply my hard work to what I am good
at, to my natural talents and abilities.
That is the lesson. Find what you are great at and
work hard at that.
Your own talents and abilities are what are right
with you.
I watch sports to marvel at the player's abilities
and to get inspired to work on my own talents.
Watching sports and being upset because you
cannot hope to get to that level would be really
demoralizing.
Watch sports or other talented people for the
pure entertainment value and for inspiration to help
determine what's right with you.
The sports idea is that what you make in a job is
limited by your own abilities and the type of work you
do. If your wife cannot understand why you do not
make more money, you will have a really bad life. Just
because she wants you to make more money is not a
reason for your boss to give you anymore.
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Do You Matter
What happened to me is that I believed that I did
not matter anymore.
Once your internal dialogue is fixed in that mode,
anyone, even your wife can wreck your life,
She can wreck you because you are allowing it to
happen.
It is not your fault. The world seems to conspire
against you. The forces in control need millions of docile
men, rather than real men who take control of their
lives.
What to Do About It
Absorb the words in this book. Read and re-read
the affirmations. Write down the statements that mean
the most to you. Write your own statements that
empower you the most. Carry these written
affirmations with you all the time and read them often.
These affirmations are meant to get you out of
the mode of the man as a punching bag just there to
absorb the verbal barrage from his wife.
You are not here to listen to anyone’s abuse. Not
even from your wife; in spite of what you see and hear
on TV.
If people you are with cannot treat you with
decency, you first need to get away from them.
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Difficult people are difficult for a reason; they
take all your time and demand your attention and
energy.
You cannot just find or spend time with nondifficult friends either while you are dealing with a
difficult wife. The difficult ones make that impossible.
You first have to subtract your wife then you will have
time and energy for the good ones.
The steps are:
1. Leave.
2. Rest and relax.
3. Heal.
4. Grow.
5. Change and develop new relationships.
You will not be able to rest, relax, heal, grow and
change while you are dealing with a wife who is bad for
you. It will not happen. You need time, effort and
energy for those things to happen. When you are in the
midst of a bad marriage, you will have none of those
things.
The leaving is the most important part.
The thing to keep in mind always is that you do
not need to know exactly what the future holds. You
only really know now how your wife is treating you and
how she has treated you in the past.
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If she has not been good to you in the past and
she is not good to you now, then what would make you
think she would be good to you in the future?
Thinking and hoping she will change is not the
right way to think.
Thinking that it will get better over time or that
she will mellow out or see the light or get religion is just
a childish, simplistic way of thinking.
The right way is to tell her that she is hurting you
and she has to stop doing that or you will have to leave
her.
It will be difficult to find the best time to talk to
her about this. If she is in a good mood you will not
want to spoil the pleasant time for yourself. If she is in a
bad mood, then watch out, talking to her about her bad
treatment of you will really set her off. You would want
to find a more medium time.
If she stops, that would be fantastic wouldn’t it.
You may still need to leave but you could choose to stay.
If she doesn’t stop, that is your cue to leave.
I know it will be difficult to just leave. It is difficult
beyond imagination. Everything you have been doing in
your life for years now is centered on being a family
man.
The point is that if she does not even realize that
she is being hurtful, why would she change?
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If she doesn’t think she is doing anything wrong it
is probably for one of three reasons:
1. She is just a mean, evil person.
2. She doesn’t remember being that way for
some medical or emotional reason.
3. She thinks she has a right to treat you
poorly for your own good or because she
knows best.
All three reasons are reasons for you to leave.
There is no reason to stay with an abuser no matter
what the reason. Reasons are nice to try to understand
but the effect on you is what you need to get away from.
I am so encouraging you to just leave because it is
my belief of the effect on men from abuse is:
1. You just want to die, the younger the
better.
2. The rest of your life is just spent in misery.
3. You may snap and hurt her or kill her.
4. If you have children, you are not a good
example. Do you want your kids to end up
in a marriage like yours?
You don’t have to have it all figured out. The only
thing you know for certain is that your wife cannot treat
you decently. She treats you poorly and she will not
stop or cannot stop.
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You have to leave. Once you have left then you
can work on what comes next. It will do you no good at
all to work on what comes next while you are still with
her. All your time, effort and energy will be spent
dealing with your wife and trying to survive.
You leave first, and then you can start to put your
life back together. Planning for your future while you
are with an abusing wife is not the way to do it.
If you just want to die young or even commit
suicide, what difference does it make how much money
you have in your 401K or your investments or if you can
continue to make your mortgage payments.
The abuse is the problem. It is not money, or time
or business, or the economy or the government or the
kids. It is the abuse.
The only way to end the abuse is to leave.
Subtract yourself from the equation.
Life can be wonderful after you leave. The
peacefulness and solitude is great. There will be
problems, setbacks and frustrations, but they will be
nothing compared to the torment of living with a
woman who cannot treat you decent.
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It’s a Math Problem, Really
A husband, wife and 2 kids make 4 people in a
family.
My wife chose to verbally abuse me. I did not do
anything to deserve the abuse. I did the best I could
with what I knew at the time.
I did not deserve to be abused. I cannot think of
anyone who deserves to be treated like I was. Even the
worst people in the world should be treated with
decency.
Since I am a kind, generous, loving, easy-going guy
I was expecting that my wife would appreciate that in
me. That she would love me, for being me. Not a
person whose only role in life is to do, say and act in a
way that she wanted.
If a person wants their life in a certain way, they
are free to do that. They are just not free to force,
through verbal abuse to get that from someone else.
My wife thought that I should do what she
wanted at all times. She thought I should be continually
be doing what she thought was best. She said I needed
to change and provide everything she needed.
But looking back, it is up to her to get what she
wants in life. It is not up to her to take from me.
You cannot take and take and take from people.
You only can enjoy what they are able to freely give.
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What about Your Age.
A huge hurdle to cross is in your own mind is
regarding your age.
The older you are harder it will be for you to get
your mind right.
Your wife may be calling you every name in the
book, making your life a living hell, criticizing your every
move and withholding sex for years at a time but you
may think you are too old to ever find another woman
and be afraid to leave for that reason.
You will think that maybe she will start being nice
to me and she does say she loves me once in awhile.
Doesn’t that count for something? Besides I am over 40
and everyone knows that is over the hill.
People in their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, 70’s,
80’s and 90’s are meeting new people and creating
some happiness for themselves.
It will take some effort. You will not know what to
do, but you aren’t stupid are you, you can learn can’t
you? These words of wisdom are from Clara Allen of
Lonesome Dove, my favorite movie.
Being single will be embarrassing at times. But
the feeling of embarrassment is so small in comparison
to the feeling of being abused.
Besides you do not have to leave your wife on a
Monday and find a new girlfriend by Friday. Take your
time. Now that you are free, your opportunities are
vast.
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You are on your own.
This video is by ABC News. They filmed an actress
abusing her actor boyfriend.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlFAd4YdQks&featu
re=related
People walking by did nothing. My point is that as
a man there is no one going to help you when you are
being abused. The best I can do for you is described in
this book. You now know what I think and what a lot of
others, including experts in relationships, think. You
have to change how you think. You have to help
yourself. Retaliating with violence is wrong. Continuing
to take the abuse is wrong. The only option you have
left is to leave.
You just have to make up your mind and do the
right thing and leave.
I cannot come and take you out of your bad
marriage. I wish I could. But I cannot.
You have to take you out of a bad marriage. Your
family and friends cannot do it. They may be able to
help you and support you after you have left, but they
will not be able to help you leave.
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Part 2: Preparation
The best way to do any difficult thing is to be
prepared. Reading this book is one of the first things
you can do to prepare to leave your wife.
I will lay out the types of things I did to prepare and
some of the things I wish I had done.
But I cannot stress this enough, if you need to leave,
just leave. You can prepare for your future better when
you are gone.
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Chapter 6. Why Do People Stay?
Money
I think one of the main reasons that people stay in
bad marriages is fear about money. Husbands and wives
both fear losing money.
This fear is real. The lack of money is real. The
reason I stayed with my wife so long after I knew I
should leave was partly due to my fear about money.
People I talk to who are not happy in their
marriage, when I ask them, why don't you leave? They
always say that they need the money.
So, if you care at all about your life, the best thing
for you to do is to get clear about money.
Make as much as you can. Always be striving for
more. Spend as little as you can while enjoying your life.
Create an excess for yourself so you can walk away at
any time.
I went to the State Fair last summer. I parked a
long way from the fair so that I didn't have to pay for
parking. As I was walking toward the fair there were
some tables set up in front of a house with handmade
birdhouses and signs on them.
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An elderly gentleman was sitting on the porch. I
asked him if he made all the birdhouses himself. He said
yes (there were at least 100) and he said his wife
painted them.
He chuckled and said that it keeps them both busy
and wait for it...
He makes them in the basement and she paints
them upstairs, that way they can avoid one another.
All the hours working on the birdhouses can be
spent away from each other.
Just another example of how a bad marriage
spoils lives. Here was an energetic elderly couple
making interesting things but the only way they can be
happy living together is by being apart as much as
possible.
Don’t you find that tragic?
It is easy to see how money affects marriages
because people who have money have no regrets about
getting out of a bad marriage. I think that is why people
are so interested in Hollywood and celebrity marriages
and breakups. A person with plenty of money does not
feel the need to stay in a bad marriage for the money. If
the marriage is not working out for that person, they
leave and do not worry about the money.
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Most people, on the other hand, if they were to
lose half their money and belonging and a huge share of
what they make every year for the next number of
years, will think a lot more than twice. They will most
likely wonder how they will survive and just suck it up
and live in misery.
As a person of limited means, your means will be
extremely limited for a long time after you are divorced.
I think that is why churches say that you should
stay in a bad marriage, because they know that people
will be much poorer and will have hardly any money to
give to the church.
The saying about staying for the children is just
about having more money available to take care of the
children. It doesn't care how a bad marriage tears
children apart. It doesn't care about the children when
the two people the child loves the most in their whole
lives, their parents, are fighting and cannot stand each
other. Children want their parents to be happy. I just
cannot see how that would not be so.
It does not even matter why you do not want to
be married.
If you do not want to be married for any reason at
all, then you ought to leave.
Obviously, by this line of thinking you ought to go
into a marriage very cautiously if it all.
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I just heard another story of a bad marriage. One
of my good friend's girlfriend has a friend. The friend is
in a bad marriage and is thinking about leaving.
Apparently, the husband is not interested in sex and
both people spend a lot of their time together fighting.
I had met the girl last year and enjoyed talking to
her. I would have loved to get to know her more. She
was cute, funny and sweet. At the time it seemed that
she was unhappy in her marriage.
So now, a year later of her life is gone and she did
not enjoy it. Doesn't that seem wrong? Why do people
think they don't deserve happiness? What is it about
the human condition that makes us not value our own
happiness?
I am not surprised at all about the number of bad
marriages. People just persist in staying together no
matter what. So many people just are satisfied with
things staying the same. They have a lot of misery but
just put up with it.
Doesn't it bother you to see married people so
unhappy together? Doesn’t that make you sad? Don't
we all deserve to be happy?
Why does a person have to stay for the money?
It seems to me that people should be more honest
about getting into a marriage. I was totally clueless
about it and paid the price for my stupidity and am still
paying for it even after I have gotten out.
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I just thought that because I loved my wife
everything would work out. It didn't.
Everything I thought would happen didn't happen.
Every assumption I made was wrong. It is hard to
believe one supposedly smart person could be so wrong
so much.
I thought we should be engaged for a year or
more. We got married within 9 months of my proposal.
I thought we would wait a few years to have
children. She stopped using birth control on our
wedding night. When I said we have not discussed when
to start having babies and maybe you should continue to
use birth control, she said that it would probably take
her a long time to get pregnant anyway. So she just
stopped. We had sex. It was my wedding night for
crying out loud, I thought I should enjoy the sex part of it
and not get into an argument about it. She got pregnant
on our wedding night.
I thought we would have one child. Having a baby
was wonderful. The reason I wanted to stay with one
was that my wife nearly died from complications from
the delivery. It was a terrifying traumatic time. She lost
a tremendous amount of blood and I thought she was
going to die and I would have to raise a baby alone. It
was so touch and go. When she finally got home it took
her a long time to recover. She just did not bounce back
and become a healthy, vibrant, young woman.
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Plus, she was very bitter over what had
happened. She wanted to sue the doctor and we
started those proceedings. I just wanted to move on.
After all, she and the baby were fine now. She insisted
that we have another one and we did. Both kids are
happy, healthy and wonderful, so my wife was right on
that.
I thought she would start working part-time when
the kids were small and full time once they were in
school. She still hasn't started working and our youngest
is in 5th grade.
I thought she would appreciate me working so
much to keep us in food and housing. She just
complained about what we didn't have.
I thought I would have a little free time to do
some of the things I wanted to do occasionally. I never
did.
I thought she would keep her spending under
control. That never happened.
I thought she would ask me about spending a lot
of money. She just spent without asking.
I thought she would care how I wanted to live.
She didn't.
I thought she would be nice to me. She couldn't.
I was really not ready for marriage.
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The Children
Another huge reason people stay in an abusive
marriage is for the kids. People still think that a terrible
home with 2 parents is better than a nice home with one
parent.
It should be obvious that this is wrong. So many
people have grown up in single parent homes and they
are fine. Let’s talk about this some more.
Why do you think you cannot be a good dad if you
don’t live with your children? That is just the wrong
approach.
The main thing a father provides to his children is
financial support. They are not going to support
themselves. You will be required to do this by the court.
Even if you are not, a good father would want to do this.
Just the fact that you are agonizing about leaving, to me,
means you are probably a good father. Most men
reading this book will want to do right by his kids.
Just being available whether you live with them or
not means a lot to children. When my wife was raging at
me, I was not available to my kids. I was withdrawn,
despondent and trying to survive.
That is not a good role model for a father.
A father needs to be a strong man, living his life
on his terms and happy about the direction his life is
going.
You can be none of those things when you are
being verbally abused by your wife.
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Children hate to see one parent being mistreated
and unhappy. They will not understand. They will carry
that terrible treatment forward. They may become
abusers or be abused themselves.
You do not want that for your kids. I did not want
that for mine.
As an adult living in an abusive marriage you will
develop coping skills. I learned how to become numb. I
learned to sit and take it. Your kids will not be able to
do this. They will not understand why their mother is
screaming at you and you are just sitting there.
It is so much better for kids to be in 2 or more
happy homes, even if the homes are smaller, than in one
big house where there is an abusive wife.
I know it seems better from all the normal
propaganda and stuff you see on TV to have a 2 parent
home. But that is not the reality. The reality is that you
are being verbally abused. It is not good for you or your
kids.
The statistics for single parent homes being bad
for kids are skewed because a lot of fathers have no role
in their kids’ lives. That is not what I am talking about in
this book.
Here is what I am doing for my kids. You can do
the same or you can do better:
• I am providing thousands of dollars of court
ordered money to my ex-wife.
• I never complain about this to her.
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• I never bring the money up to the kids.
• I carry the health insurance for the kids.
• I pay all the co-pays on any medical.
• I provide all the prescriptions.
• I pay for the dentist appointments.
• I pay for their cell phone plan.
• I pay for all the car insurance.
• I give my ex-wife additional money as needed and
as I can afford it to make the kids lives better.
• I buy their birthday presents, Christmas presents
and whatever other presents they need.
• I give the kids spending money.
• I help once in awhile around the house and yard.
• I go to their house to help with homework
whenever they need me.
• I go to as many events and functions as I can.
• I drive the kids around to friends and activities.
• I am happy and contented father when they are
with me.
• I love and respect them and treat them with
kindness.
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• I am respectful to their mother as much as
possible. I never argue with their mother when
they are around. It is just better never to argue.
• The biggest thing I did for them is that I showed
them that they do not have to stay with anyone
who treats them bad. That is the lesson I want
them to carry with them the rest of their lives. I
cannot stand the thought of one of my children
being mistreated the way I was. You cannot have
a good relationship if someone is being
mistreated.
Why Children are NOT a reason to stay from a
different source
It is much better for a child to have one happy
parent than two unhappy ones. Children who see their
parents tolerate abuse are learning that it is ok to accept
or inflict abuse. By choosing to stay in an abusive
relationship, you are only become a bad role model for
your kids, but are creating an unhealthy model for
relationships for their young minds, making them more
likely to become abusers or victims of abuse themselves.
Your children will lose respect for you and blame you for
the anguish they had to go through, because you had a
choice and they didn’t.
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Religion and Tradition
If you are religious or more traditional it is very
hard to think for yourself. You have been raised to think
of others instead of for yourself. You deserve a lot of
credit for reading a book like this and starting to think
that everyone matters, even you.
This is what happens to a person when they are in a
verbally abusive relationship. You start out a somewhat
strong, somewhat confident, somewhat independent
person. Then instead of becoming stronger and more
confident as the years go by, you become a weak person
with low self-esteem, hardly any confidence and
dependent on your spouse.
Some people would have you believe that this is a
good thing. That the two becoming one, is God’s will. If
you believe in God, you might have to question that
idea. Why would God want you to be unhappy? Why
would God want you to be living in misery? Maybe
there is no God. Maybe the idea of God is there so that
the cruel people who want to control others have one
more way to control you.
This isn’t the traditional way to think at all.
Traditionally men are supposed to stick to their wives
and tolerate whatever is thrown at them. Well, if that is
tradition I am done with it.
I am going to live the rest of my life on my terms, not
the churches, not the moralists, not the politicians, not
the traditionalists, not anyone’s but mine.
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Chapter 7. What About …
The Kids.
Staying in a bad marriage for the kids is the wrong
approach. If your marriage is bad you are not showing
your children that everyone matters. You are mistakenly
making your life miserable in the thought that at least
the kids will be happy.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
I stayed too long in a bad marriage for that reason
amongst others. It did not help my kids. They just saw a
broken man. They saw their mother's cruel, angry
outbursts and my passively absorbing her abuse.
I was showing them all the wrong things.
I did not want my son to think that he has to just
take it. That being verbally abused by your wife is fine. I
want him to have a good life, not a life of misery. I don't
want him to bottle up his pain inside him like I did. I
don't want him to snap and hurt his wife and go to
prison like what happens to a lot of guys.
I don't want my daughter to be a mean, vicious
woman. I want her to be the kind, gentle, wonderful girl
that she is. I don't want to think of her screaming
obscenities at her husband. I don't want her on the
wrong end of a beating because she insulted the wrong
guy.
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I was showing them that I did not matter. In my
desire to be unselfish I was showing them that since my
life did not matter, when they grow up their life will not
matter. If you care about your kids you will show them
that you matter. Your happiness is just as important as
theirs.
All this stuff is so important. I just did not know that
until it was almost too late for me.
After my wife would get done verbally abusing me I
would sit despondently and wish I was dead. I thought
about suicide. It just seemed like such a pleasant
thought to see her face after seeing me hanging by my
neck from the basement rafters.
I thought that maybe she would die and I could have
a life.
Can you believe that? I am supposed to love my
wife, not wish she was dead.
I am supposed to enjoy my life. Not wish I was dead.
If you stay in a verbally abusive marriage, you are
teaching you children:
• It is OK to be abused.
• It is normal not to be happy.
• It is OK to treat your loved ones in an abusive
way.
Therefore, you are doing your children no favors
by staying. Teach them self-respect and survival.
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Who would think that a father leaving his family
would make the family better?
Isn't it always assumed that doing that is wrong?
That he must be a loser? A dead beat. A no good bum.
It doesn't have to be that way. In my case, the
best thing I ever did for my kids, my wife and I was to
leave my wife.
I did not want to leave my kids but I could not
take them with me.
I know this sounds crappy. It sounds crazy. It
sounds selfish.
But I just could not bear to be with my wife any
longer.
I tolerated her verbal abuse for years and when I
finally could take it no longer and started to resist, she
escalated and the abuse became even worse.
I spoke out against what she was doing. I asked
her to stop, sometimes gently, sometimes more
forcefully. I told her that what she was doing was not
acceptable to me anymore. I said I might have to leave
her.
This did not change her. She only seemed to get
worse.
I had no good choice but to leave. My other
choices were so much worse. In my mind at that time I
could have killed her or killed myself to escape the pain.
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I tried for years to explain what I needed from her.
All I wanted was for her to be nice to me. It seems like a
simple request, be nice to your husband.
She could not do that.
I begged. I pleaded. I demanded. I threatened. I
coaxed. I explained. I discussed.
Nothing worked.
The way she treated me was horrible. I was
becoming a terrible person. Sometimes I would lash
out.
Sometimes I would hurl insults at her and scream
back at her.
Much of the time I would just sit there and listen
to her lectures and tirades. I would just block her out; I
would try to zone out. When I would start to believe the
things she said about me I thought mostly about suicide
and about hoping she would die.
I avoided her as much as possible. I spent long
hours at work and went out of my way to be careful
around her.
I was not a good father.
I was just a broken man. It was only by leaving
that I could heal.
Being gone has not been easy.
There have been setbacks and problems. She still
gets under my skin and has a way of making life difficult
for me at times.
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There are still a lot of financial problems and I
always have to be wary around her. I can never let my
guard down. I never know what will set her off.
But, and this is huge, the kids have never been
better.
I have never been better.
My ex-wife has never been better. She is a better
mother without me. She cares for the kids better. She is
a better mom. She does not spend any time berating
me, except on the phone once in awhile. When she
does I just hang up.
I live close to them. I see the kids every week for
a little while. Sometimes we are able to be together
longer. They know I am there for them. Our
relationship is better now because now I am not there in
front of them and they are not witnessing their mother
giving me a tongue lashing or putting me down.
I am the father who is in the background. I come
over to help with the homework. I gladly pay all the
court ordered child support and maintenance, I never
complain about this. Plus, I provide whatever other
money I can.
For this father, leaving his family has truly been
for the best.
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The Family
Your relationship with your wife’s family will be
gone. You have to realize that. It will hurt if you had a
good relationship with them. The way I thought about it
is that I was hoping that her parents and her family
would support her and be there to help her and
especially the kids. I wanted my kids to continue to
enjoy and spend time with their grandparents, aunts,
uncles and cousins on their mother’s side. That is how it
should be. It is possible that your wife’s family will turn
against her and against your kids. That would be tragic,
and you may have to weigh that possibility in your mind.
But if they are the type of people who would do that to
children and their own flesh and blood then your ex-wife
and children should not be around them anyway.
Decent people will be decent whether someone in their
family is divorced or not.
Your Mutual Friends
When I was married I never developed any friends
on my own. The people we saw were only in the context
of being a married couple. Now that I am divorced I
have not spoken to any of those people. I have
reconnected with my old friends and have tried to meet
new people.
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The Worst Case Scenarios.
When you are thinking of making major changes
in your life it is helpful to analyze the worst case
scenarios to see if the worst would happen, what would
that be like and can I live with that?
My fears or worst case scenarios were:
• My wife would try to kill me if I left.
• My wife would hurt the kids to get back at me.
• My wife would leave the area and make it hard to
see the kids.
• My wife would not just go along nicely during the
divorce.
• My wife would find a way to stay married.
• My wife would keep the house.
• My wife would take all my money.
• I would become homeless.
Now once you have your list of your biggest fears
likely to happen, will you be able to live with your
decision?
That is the biggest decision. I know facing these fears
is hard. They may be huge. Your wife may be prone to
violence. You may fear for your life. Your children may
be in danger. All those things are real. This isn’t a TV
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marriage where you walk in one day and say you want a
divorce, and your wife says , oh that’s fine, me too.
She may be extremely upset. The kinds of things she
has done in the past to make you want to leave will
seem minor to the fits and screaming she will lay on you.
You can just leave without any discussion. It may
be better to just leave without saying anything. Just go.
Let your attorney do the talking.
The idea that verbal abuse is not that bad?
Phil Collins song, I Don’t Care Anymore, is one of the
all time great break up songs. When I hear it in my car I
turn it way up and scream the words at the top of my
lungs. I feel the pain he went through. I relive my own
pain. The words are so true, so real. You can literally
still see his anger and pain when he is singing it on a
video. That is what I feel. So you would not want to
listen to that song all the time, you would literally go
insane with the pain and heartache. But I don’t think it
hurts to cry a little now and then and feel the old pain
and get it out of your system.
One of the best ways to determine if your wife is
mistreating you is to keep a written, hidden from her,
list of the episodes that you find undesirable. If you are
truly the cause of the episode then that would, of
course, not count.
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What happens is that you are abused in some way. It
is a very troubling, traumatic time and then the abuse
ends. You then just move on with your life and kind of
forget about the abuse for awhile.
It is such a relief to not have the abuse heaped on
you that you put it out of your mind when a particular
episode is over.
You hope that it is over forever and your life can
get back to normal. But it is not over. It is only a brief
period of calm before the storm.
The listing is so that you can remember and you
have physical evidence of what is happening.
What I mean is a listing of particularly irritating,
frustrating behavior from her that you have asked her to
stop or even that you have not. Your wife ought to be
able to be nice to you, shouldn’t she?
One example is using profanity and obscenities on
you that are upsetting to you. Some people are profane
and obscene in a playful or fun way. That is not what I
mean.
Most men find woman who curse at them for no real
reason to be distasteful. If she uses sarcasm in a way to
make you feel bad rather than in a playful or funny way,
that is not good. Raising her voice, yelling, screaming, or
the tone of voice can be hurtful. Rage at you would go
on the list.
Any actions or behavior’s that makes you feel less
than would go on the list.
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Your wife, spouse, lover or friend should make you
feel good about yourself, not criticize or demean you.
This method is right out of the psychology books. I
am not making it up only simplifying it for you. When
you are in a bad marriage you will not have time to pore
through dry textbooks looking for answers.
Most people avoid writing things down. They are
lazy or think it does not make a difference or they think
the problem should just go away on its own. It doesn’t.
Only by recognizing the problem will you be able to see
it and do something about it.
The reason that this writing is effective is that I found
that once my wife would get done lecturing me, or
criticizing me, or scolding me, or abusing me in some
way, I would be so relieved when it was over that I
would just block it out of my mind.
That is until another episode happened a day or week
later. Then the same thing happened. She would
verbally abuse me in some way. Then she stopped doing
that and would become nice again and even loving and I
would be relieved. I blocked it out.
Only I could only block it out so much. The feeling of
something not being right was always there.
It is a cycle.
She would use abuse or rage or criticism on me. I
would stoically get through it, try to survive it and
tolerate it. Sometimes it would be a few minutes of a
raging fit.
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Sometimes it would be a lecture for 4 or 5 hours. She
would eventually wear herself out and stop. We would
go to bed and that would be it.
We would just go on like nothing happened. She
would not apologize. I would say nothing about it. It
would be as if it never happened.
Maybe to her it never happened. I find it hard to
believe, but that seems to be the case.
But to me, it happened. It affected me, minute by
minute, day by day, week by week, month by month and
year by year. Each second of her abuse affected me.
So when I discovered the idea of writing down the
episodes, I did that. I started immediately with some of
the latest events that I could remember. I really could
not remember everything that happened. These
episodes were just buried so deep within me.
I wrote these episodes on paper and kept them
hidden in my planner book. I then could start to see
how often this was occurring. It was not just a few times
a year when she was upset about something. It would
vary from 5 or 6 times a month up to over 20 times a
month around Christmas.
You have to do this note taking for your own sanity.
When you are in an abusive relationship you will not
remember exactly what happened or when. Normal
people do not want to keep reliving the bad
occurrences; they want to move on with life.
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My method was just to write down the date of the
occurrence and to the right of that write down the type
of abuse or what happened. Once you have those notes
down on paper you will remember.
As an aside, my wife did not question me about
writing things down in my Planner Book. I had been
keeping a Planner Book for years for work and personal
use, so it was not as if I just ran out and got a notebook
to write down just this. This is another really good
reason to have a Planner Book.
Your wife may get suspicious if you never wrote
anything down and now you are. You would not write
this down in front of her anyway. You would do your
writing in private.
Then, on a yearly calendar that was also in my
Planner Book, I would circle each day that I had an entry.
So at the end of the month I could easily see how often
she had abused me. After a year and a half of this I
could see what months were the worst and I could see if
the abuse was lessoning. I mean if on your first month
she abused you 15 times and then it went down every
month until now where there is no abuse then at least
your life is better. You may still want to leave because
you are bitter about your treatment, but in the
meanwhile, life is better.
I really don’t know about using a computer for this
either. We did not even have a computer when I started
this journey. I used the computer at work to do my
research into these methods.
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Besides, maybe the computer you have at home is
used by both you and your wife. What if she finds your
notes? She could read your notebook too, I suppose,
but if she is going through your private things then your
life is not really your own anyway.
Because I had this list of abuse, and how often it had
happened I did not feel any guilt when I actually left. I
kept all this information also, in case I needed it for
backup in the divorce.
It turned out that it was not needed. But you should
really keep it to remind yourself of what you went
through and to avoid going back to her or finding
yourself in a relationship with someone like her in the
future.
After you leave your wife and you start listening to all
the hogwash about how a man should always stay with
his wife and she really did not do anything bad and what
about the kids, you will need this list to stay strong and
focused on the staying gone.
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Part 3: Do It
This step describes some of the potential
problems, setbacks and hurdles you will face. It will also
include the benefits of being gone. I provide resources,
tips and ideas on how to not run back to your wife and
start the cycle all over again.
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Chapter 8. Practical Steps.
Some practical steps to prepare for leaving your
wife are:
• Get a P.O. Box either at the Post Office or better
yet, at the UPS Store or someplace like that.
• Get a separate banking account in a bank different
than where you normally bank at. Use your new
P.O. Box as the address.
• Get an individual separate credit card or cards.
Also have your new P.O. Box be the address you
use.
• Accumulate some hidden cash.
• It does not make a lot of sense to have a lot of
hidden assets. The court will find all this money
and divide it up in the divorce. I am only talking
about some money to tide you over for awhile.
• Avoid getting into debt or any more debt, in either
your joint accounts or in you separate account.
You will need a lot of money to work with when
you leave.
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• Make a list of the things in your home you want. I
had a list of what I really needed to get right
away. A list of what was most important to me.
And a list of what would be nice to have, but I
could do without.
• Make copies of all your important documents and
keep then hidden in case you need them. Make
copies or record all the various information that
your wife normally keeps track of that you may
need. Phone numbers, addresses, email
addresses and anything else like that.
• Insist that your wife work. Once you are the sole
means of support for your wife, you will not have
any freedom. This may be a tough one. Maybe
you would suggest or encourage instead of insist.
If your wife is not working and making you feel
bad because she is telling you to make more
money, she will resist going to work.
• Be careful with how many children you have.
There is no savings by having more children. The
more people you have responsibility for the less
money you will have. It is a simple division
problem. If you make $100,000 per year and you
have a non-working wife and 2 children, each
person will be living on $25,000 per year which is
nearly the poverty line. This simple fact is where
so many people go so wrong. They cannot figure
out this simple arithmetic. As wonderful as having
children is, they are very expensive.
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• Keep doing things you want to do. She does not
own you. You are not a slave. You do not need
permission to do things. If you get to the point
where you have to ask for permission you know
you are on the downhill slope to a failed marriage.
• Talk to some attorneys. Some of them want a
$2,500 retainer to just talk. I kept calling until I
found one who talked to me for nearly an hour
about the process. I eventually hired him.
• Study some of the on-line resources on the
divorce process in your state.
• Talk to a few close friends about your situation.
Tell them that you may have to leave. Someone
may have a few good ideas or a place to stay for a
short while.
• Financially, the hardest time to leave is when you
have a lot of bills to pay. But, you cannot stay
because of the bills. It is better to go bankrupt
than to live in a bad marriage.
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• Start thinking of ways to increase your income
after you have left. I would not try to increase
your income before you leave because then you
will be obligated to pay more by the court. You
will have to find ways to generate money such as
an additional job, part-time work, temporary work
or some type of on-line business. You will be
paying a lot of money to your wife for many years
based on what you are making at the time of the
divorce.
• Keep some clothes hidden in case you have to run.
I kept a small bag with a change of clothes and
some toiletries hidden under my desk at work. I
also kept some clothes and toiletries hidden in the
trunk of my car.
• Have the mindset that you will be fine after you
leave.
• Be ready to leave at anytime. I mean anytime. Do
not wait until you have everything all in order.
Leave first and worry about putting things in order
once you are gone. Be ready to leave with just
the clothes on your back. If you are thinking of
leaving you may be acting differently and your
wife may get suspicious. She may escalate her
abuse in an effort to control you even further.
You may be forced to run without being totally
ready.
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There are probably all kinds of other things you could
do to prepare to leave. For me, the most important
thing to do is leave. Once you are gone, then you can
start to determine what to do. When you are in an
abusive relationship your ability to think things through
and plan is severely hindered. The emphasis of this
book is not the planning to leave it is getting your mind
right and finding enough courage or self-respect or
being so fed up that you just go through with it.
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Chapter 9. Time for Me to Fly.
Click on the link below to hear Reo Speedways
song “Time for Me to Fly.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ak6fZrkjWoA&feature=PlayList&p=
81CC99A378F0271A&playnext_from=PL&index=2
This is a classic song for anyone who has been in a bad
relationship. Songs like this are so great because
whoever wrote them went through the pain and is
singing right to you.
The Day I Left.
June 23, 2007. It was a Saturday. My wife’s brother
had invited us and the rest of the extended family to
spend the weekend at his rental home at a resort area in
central Wisconsin. He had built the house to rent out as
an investment. One of the benefits to the arrangement
was that he could use the house a few times a year
himself. The overall owner of the resort would act as
the property manager. The arrangement was set up
that way. The home was nearly finished and he was
going to be renting it out for the rest of the summer so
there was a window of opportunity for him to enjoy it
right now. So, that was the plan. We were going to
drive up there Saturday morning and spend the rest of
the weekend. So far, so good.
The resort had 2 outdoor water park areas and one
indoor water park area. There was also a beach on a
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little lake. It was a really nice place for families with
children.
We had spent an afternoon there with the extended
family the year before. My wife’s brother and his family
had camped and her parents put us up in a hotel down
the road.
It was a really nice place. The kid’s all enjoyed it. The
adults did too.
I was always a little leery of getting together with my
wife’s extended family. Everyone was so strong willed
that arguments were common. My wife had a problem
with her brother’s wife. She just disliked her for some
reason. So anytime we got together there was always
an undercurrent of anger and rage about to boil over.
My wife would be fine most of the time, but it was
always possible for her to have a fit or to flare up in
anger at any time during the party or later after the
event was over.
So I was always leery of these family parties. I just
never knew what would happen. We could all have a
nice time or there might be a huge fight sometimes
instigated by my wife, sometimes by someone else. Her
family was nice enough but they were not shy in their
opinions and would never back away from an argument.
The previous year, when her brother was camping at
the resort I had twisted my ankle later in the day and
was in a lot of pain in the evening. I tried to not let it
bother me. I laced up my boot really tight and avoided
moving around very much.
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When my wife found out about my ankle all she
could do was to complain about how I was spoiling her
vacation. Her family was really supportive. They got ice
for my ankle and helped me carry our stuff back and
forth to our car.
We had stayed in the hotel that night. The plan was
to go to church the next morning and get back to the
campground and water park after church. The kids were
really excited about getting back to the water park and
packed up all our gear and helped me carry it to the car
from our hotel room. They knew my ankle was still not
good. This only enraged my wife, for what reason I do
not know. I thought it was cute how they helped me
and appreciated not having to carry everything with my
twisted ankle.
Since my ankle was sprained, I put on my hiking
boots with the laces tied up really tight for support. She
got very mad about this because they were dirty and she
said she was embarrassed to be seen with me in church.
Needless to say going to this same resort the
following year had bad memories for me.
So, now for my leaving story.
We got packed and ready to go. The four of us got in
and started out by late Saturday morning.
Just as I was turning onto the freeway my wife said
that she thought the van was low on gas and that we
need to fill up. I glanced at the gauge, saw that it was
low and said we have enough to go for awhile and I have
to get on the freeway now, there is no way for me to not
merge now with all the traffic behind me. It would not
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have been safe to not turn now. I will stop at the gas
station down the road I said.
This answer immediately angered my wife and she
went into a raging fit screaming about how I did not
trust her judgment. And she did not want to run out of
gas. I said I can clearly see from the gas gauge that we
can make it 10 miles to the gas station I know is there. I
know the area like the back of my hand, I had been living
around here for 8 years and part of my job involves
knowing all the roads including gas stations.
I did not want to run out of gas either. I just could
not turn the way she said without getting hit by a car
and that is what I was trying to tell her. She would not
listen.
She was bad. I had been thinking about leaving her
for a long time before this because of her temper and
treatment of me, but the way she was at that time was
just incredible. Usually her mistreatment was not in
front of the kids but they were right there in the back
seat listening to this.
She just went on fuming at me for the 10 miles to the
gas station.
I did stop for gas at the station I knew about. She
was still fuming when I got back in the car after paying
for the gas. I thought she would lighten up, get over it
and be happy and we could just be on our way. No dice.
She just would not let it go. It was a couple of miles
from the gas station to the freeway ramp.
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When I got to the point in the road that I had to turn
to go onto the freeway to go up north I turned the other
way and drove home instead.
I think I decided right there that I had to get out, now
or never. My wife was still raging at me so I do not think
she even realized we were going the wrong way. I
pulled into our driveway, jumped out of the van and
grabbed my suitcase out of the van and threw it in my
car. I quickly went into the house and picked up my
briefcase and Planner Book, put those in my car, said
sorry to the kids and got in my car and drove away.
That was it. No discussion, no long goodbyes. I just
grabbed a few things, jumped in my car and fled. I raced
off.
I know it is not easy to leave. Leaving my wife was
the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It was not
smooth at all. It was a horrible, devastating mess.
There was continuous trouble with her for the next
few months. She called me on my cell phone
continuously threatening, pleading, begging and
explaining. Sometimes she would be nice; most of the
time she would not.
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Chapter 10. Once you’ve left, now what?
This is where your life starts. We have all heard
the saying – today is the first day of the rest of your life –
well isn’t that true? You can wallow in self-pity. You can
live the rest of your life like a hermit. You can be bitter
and angry. You can be mad at your wife for treating you
so poorly that you had to leave. You can be mad at the
world for anything and everything. You can seek
revenge on your ex-wife. You can avoid paying her what
the court demands.
Or, you can make up your mind to be the best you
can be. You can do the things you have put off for so
long. You can start living for yourself rather than others.
If you were humiliated, emotionally abused,
mocked and criticized in your marriage you can use the
divorce and your new freedom to take pride in yourself.
You can now have the time to improve whatever
aspect of your life you want to improve. You can also
begin to realize that you are great just the way you are.
You do not need to improve anything. In the sense I am
talking about it is more about getting better at
something or learning something new.
If you have kids, you are still their dad. It is not
their fault you left. You need to take care of them the
best you can.
Show your kids what a happy adult life is like.
Teach them that they are not defined by whether they
are married or not. When they see you and talk to you,
you can be the wonderful person that you are.
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You do not have to walk on eggshells anymore
around your wife. You do not have to agree with
everything she says. You do not have to do whatever
she wants. Your life is your own now.
You do not need to live with them to take care of
them. When I lived with them I did not enjoy them. My
life revolved around trying to survive the abuse from my
wife. I had to be careful in everything I did and
everything I said or be ready to get an earful of abuse.
Now I provide all the money the court decided I
should provide plus all the extra money that helps to
make their lives a little better and a little easier.
When I was with them, we were struggling to
make ends meet. It is no different now except that we
are all happy.
I see them often enough that they know I am their
dad. I talk to them as much as I can.
But now I am not the whipping boy for their
mother. I do not blindly obey her commands like I did
when we were married.
I do not punish the kids for perceived slights
against their mother.
I love them and treat them with as much kindness,
patience and respect as possible.
Plus I make it as fun as I can with them in that I am
now easygoing and humorous rather than a hen pecked
old man who is grumpy to his kids and unable to give
them any love and kindness.
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In most cases you will not see your kids that much
anymore. In my case, I do not see them every day but
the times I do see them is so sweet and we all get so
much out of our time together. They see a happy, loving
father when they see me. When I was there every day I
was just trying to survive the day. I had no dreams, no
drive. I was not a good dad or a good example.
I choose to do what I want to do in my free time
now. I created my website, www.organized-way.com
and have written some books. I started lifting weights
again. I do quite a bit of walking each week. I read. I
take care of my apartment. I take care of my kids. I visit
with my parents more. I see my friends more. And I am
still interested in women.
My ex-wife said to me on the phone one day –
You must hate women, I said, no, only one. I was really
only kidding her. I do not hate her. She is the mother of
my children and at one time I loved her more than
anything in the world. But that ship has sailed. Now, I
just want to be friends with her and be good parents to
our kids.
It is really not that much fun to be fighting with
your ex-wife. Just move on. I know it is not easy. Your
ex will infuriate you, she will bother you. My ex-wife
calls a lot and still wants me to come back. She has
always been in denial of the reason I left. To her, my
coming back is the only solution. I bring in the money,
she is the wife who bosses the husband around and
makes his life miserable. But that is not going to
happen. I have left her and will never go back.
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Now is my time for doing all the things I want to
do and need to do. I need to keep working, build a
business, enjoy my days and nights, take care of my kids
and meet other women.
Meeting other women may be difficult for you.
When I was married I never met other women. The job I
have is 99% men, so I never meet women at work.
Being married, I never wanted the temptation of other
women, so I just never did. I was just totally faithful to
the point that I lost whatever social skills I had as a
young man. It seems I was just like an awkward kid
again. If that is you, you will need to redevelop your
confidence skills. There is a lot of information on-line to
help you develop your skills and regain your confidence.
Now, I want that and need that. So will you.
Being alone all the time is not what I want. I bought
quite a few dating courses after I left my wife. These
courses are great. I wish I had them before I got
married; I had no idea what was available.
With me, my confidence was nearly destroyed. It
was all I could do to leave. I had no ability to stand up
to my wife’s tirades. I just listened and waited for her to
tire herself out and stop. I tried not to let it affect me. I
tried to let it roll off my back, but that only works for a
little while. You will internalize what she says. She is
your wife, for god’s sake, you married her, and you
wanted her. What your wife says matters. That is why it
is so difficult. That is why it is so hard. You will not
believe it is happening to you.
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I did not believe it was happening to me. How
could I. She said she loved me all the time. Sometimes
she would really be a wonderful person.
It is likely that your confidence will be in the tank
if you have been living in an abusive marriage. You will
need to take care of yourself. You will have to
concentrate on you for the rest of your life. Of course,
this is what we all should be doing all the time anyway.
But it is the most important thing for you to do after you
leave. You have to do whatever it takes to make you
whole again. It will take time. It will take effort and
energy and money.
But it is your life we are talking about. It should
be the most important thing to you.
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What to Expect During the Divorce Proceedings
Honestly, it was mostly waiting. It does not go
very fast. There was a 6 month waiting period minimum
where I live in Wisconsin but it seems unlikely that any
divorce would go that fast unless you had no kids, no
property, had just been married and your wife is the one
who wants a divorce.
Otherwise prepare yourself for a good long wait.
Your wife will make it difficult for you. If you are
leaving because of her abuse, she will not just “nice” up.
Here are a few things my wife did (and still does):
• She hired a private detective to investigate
me. She thought I was having an affair and
hiding money. Other women were the
furthest thing from mind and there was no
money to hide.
• She told the kids how bad of a person I was
and that a good father would stay no
matter what.
• She told everyone she knew how bad of a
person I was and that she cannot believe
that a man would leave.
• She accused me of being on drugs.
• She accused me of being gay.
• She called the police on me, twice.
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• She called me constantly to harass me into
coming back. She demanded it.
• She called dozens of times a day.
• She never once apologized for what she did.
• She made it difficult for me to see the kids.
• Whenever I had the kids she continually
called me to check up on me.
• She lay down on the driveway under my car
when I was trying to leave one time.
• She got on the hood of my car one time
when I was trying to leave.
• She chased after me in the van with the kids
and raced after me on time. I was afraid for
my life. She followed me for miles. I was
only successful in losing her by taking
extreme evasive action on the freeway. I
stayed in the far left lane as long as possible
before turning to the right hard right before
an off ramp. She was not able to follow. I
actually jerked my steering wheel to the
right. It was right out of the movies. She
had the kids in the car.
Whenever I have a too long conversation with my
es-wife, when I finally just hang up on her, I always look
at my cell phone to see how long I was on the phone
with her. I will look at the minutes and say, well there is
another 20 minutes of my life gone.
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It is just so senseless to keep talking to someone
you don't want to talk to, isn't it.
At one time I loved talking to her. We would just
talk the hours away. Now every minute is like torture.
It is bad minutes.
I don't even mind the days slipping by because
that means my responsibilities to her are getting closer
to being over.
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What You Will Need during the Process
1. Patience. It takes a long time to get divorced. I
left my wife on June 23, 2007. The divorce papers
were filed in late July 2007. The divorce was
finalized in late January 2009. That means it took
over 18 months.
2. The ability to live while you are waiting. You need
to move on with your life while the divorce is
proceeding. There is no sense in postponing your
life any longer. You have done that long enough.
3. Money. Your wife will be getting a lot of money. I
mean a lot. You will wonder how you will survive.
If your wife is not working you will really have to
fork it over. It really would be better if your wife
was working for you financially whether you get a
divorce or not. But in any case you will have to
learn to live on a lot less. You will have to simplify
and get by on the cheap. You may find it hard to
survive. This is where you really need to lean on
others. If you have no others to lean on, your life
will be unbelievably difficult. Without my parents
and friends I would have been sunk. This is
probably the biggest fear of all people. For me,
my marriage was just so bad that I did not care
anymore about living. I just had to get out and let
the chips fall where they may.
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4. An attitude that what you did is for the best. You
cannot go back. As you grow and change and
become a better person from where you were,
your ex will see that in you. It will make you more
attractive to her. She may come on to you and be
nice to you. Do not fall for it. Sure, now you may
know what to do more and how to live your life.
You may grow and change and know much better
how to live so as to have your wife behave in the
way you need her to be. But what makes you
think your wife will change for good? It is better
to start over with a new woman, or women.
5. An attitude free of revenge. What good does
revenge do in a failed marriage? Nothing. My
wife has the kids most of the time. It is hard to be
a single mom. I try to make it easier for her, not
harder. I want her to have a good life. It is better
for the kids and I still love her in a way. Not as my
wife, but as my ex-wife. In spite of the misery she
put me through she is still a person.
6. An ability to hang up the phone when she is
talking to you in a way that is not good for you.
7. An ability to not answer the phone call from her.
Let her leave a message.
8. An ability to easily leave if you are at her house.
There were a lot of times early in the divorce
process where my wife would block the door so I
could not leave. It was almost as if she wanted
me to physically push her out of the way. I was
able to avoid doing that. But this may happen to
you and you need to be aware of the possibility.
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9. A way to avoid being in a car with her. Being in a
car with an abusive spouse or ex-wife is just about
the worst place you can be. You are trapped. Plus
when she is doling out the punishment it makes
you a poor driver and it becomes a more
dangerous situation.
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Attorneys.
Love them or hate them you will need an attorney
if you are getting a divorce from a difficult woman. If
your wife is the one who wants the divorce you could
probably get by with a mediator of a do it yourself
divorce. But if you are reading this book; that would
not apply to you. Your wife will more than likely make
getting divorced very difficult, expensive, time
consuming and an ordeal.
In my area in southeastern Wisconsin in the
metropolitan Milwaukee area, the divorce attorneys
require a $2,500 retainer. You have to pay them this
amount to get started. Remember the preparation of
hidden cash, a separate bank account and separate
credit cards. This is what you need the money for. The
$2,500 gets the process started. Once the divorce
process is started you will have some protection from
the court of your money. My attorney billed me at the
end of the month once he got over the initial retainer
amount.
In my case the total amount for my attorney was
about $8,000. I had a fairly simple divorce except for my
wife wanting to make it difficult.
We have 2 kids and one house. My wife kept the
house and we have joint custody with her having the
kids about 85% of the time.
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Usually the attorney fees would be quite a bit less
than this unless there is a lot of property to divide and
there is a custody battle over the children. Unless your
wife has actually physically abused your kids it seems
like you trying to have custody is a lost cause.
I would not worry very much about knowing
exactly how much money you are going to lose. When
you are in a verbally abusive marriage, getting out at any
cost is what you need to do.
Your life is not your own when you are being
abused and controlled by your wife.
Many men just stay married because of the fear of
the lack of money. You do not have to be one of them. I
have no great answers to how to come up with money.
The only answer I know is true is that a bad marriage is
no good at all. It is the worst thing a man can go
through because he is doing it because he really wanted
to be married.
I just wanted it to go through with the divorce
without a lot of trouble, but my wife did not. I think
because she did not see how she was to me; she made it
harder than it had to be.
It will be difficult but once you are gone from the
direct abuse, you will have time to start to become
stronger and get yourself together.
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What You Will Give Up.
You will have to give up a lot when you leave your
wife. There is no way around it. I gave up:
• Seeing my kids every day. This part can be the
hardest for some fathers. For me this was ok. I
was always working late anyway and did not see
them for days at a time. The weekends were
spent working around the house and trying to
avoid the wrath of my wife. Sometimes I do not
see them now for weeks. Sometimes I only see
them for short periods of time. I have to
sometimes see the kids with my wife around so it
isn’t the quality time I want. Sometimes all my
plans with them are spoiled by their mother.
• Money. Before my divorce was finalized, I had to
pay her a huge amount of money. There will be a
temporary order from the court saying how much
you have to pay. For me, this was a lot of money,
nearly everything I made. Once the divorce was
finalized, the amount of money I had to pay is a
lot less, but it is still a huge amount of money. It is
hard to believe how much I have to pay. It is hard
to make ends meet.
• The house. The house is hers now. I am in an
apartment. I do not even mind her having the
house. I did love the house and could easily see
me in it without her and enjoying it, but since the
kids are with her most of the time, it does make
sense for her to be in the house.
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•
The stuff in the house. I took very little from the
house. I am not that much into having a lot of
stuff anyway. Being clutter free is the way I want
to live my life.
•
My relationship with her parents and family. We
did have a nice, friendly, even loving relationship
but now there is nothing.
•
My wonderful little nieces and nephews on her
side.
• My in-laws. I really did enjoy her side of the
family and do miss those times together.
• My idea of how a family should be a husband, a
wife and children all together.
• Time to go through all the divorce proceedings.
•
Half my 401K pension.
• Money.
• Did I already say money? Money.
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But look at what you will gain
Here is a partial list of what I have gained by
leaving my wife:
• My self-respect.
• My confidence.
• Enormous amounts of free time.
• No one giving me a hard time or abusing
me.
• A great and loving relationship with my
children.
• A better relationship with my parents. I
talked to them about all this. They were
and still are extremely supportive.
•
No one verbally abusing me.
• No one threatening me.
• No one putting me down.
• No sarcasm.
• No one screaming at me.
• No one arguing with me.
•
My future.
• My life.
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• I am not subjected to verbal abuse.
• I am not yelled at.
• I do not hear cursing and obscenities.
• I am not criticized.
• I am not belittled.
• I am not questioned.
• I am not made to feel stupid.
• I do not hear bad mouthing of others.
• I do not hear yelling at the children.
• I get adequate rest.
• I am able to control my finances.
• I am able to have things as I like them.
• I am in charge of my life.
• I am able to pursue my dreams.
• I do not spend my free time doing things I
do not want to do.
• I do the things I want to do.
• I am treated decently.
• I feel great.
• I am not the target of her rage.
• I am not called idiotic.
• I am not called pathetic.
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• I am not called a loser.
• I am not called gay.
• I am not called a man with no backbone.
• I am not blamed for things I did not do.
• I am not blamed for things I had no control
over.
• I am not humiliated in front of the kids.
• I am not humiliated in public.
• I have my opinion.
• I have my thoughts.
• I do not hear about the mistakes I have
made.
• I do not hear what a failure I am.
• I am not ordered around.
• I am not compared to other men.
• I do not hear her sarcastic tone.
• I am not called a bad example to the kids.
• I do not hear her complaining of her past.
• I do not hear how I fog up the car windows.
• I do not hear about how poorly I maintain
everything.
• I do not hear how I eat too fast.
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• I do not hear how I chew strangely.
• I do not hear my last name used as a curse.
• I do not hear how bad my father, mother,
sister and brother are.
• I do not hear about how I smell bad, walk
funny, wear my clothes poorly, brush my
teeth wrong, mow the yard wrong, do just
about everything a man can do wrong.
You will feel bad from time to time after you
leave. There are times when I cry and wonder if what I
did was right. Then my ex-wife will call and get on my
case about something, and I will feel vindicated. It is
irritating to have her call, but it is enlightening. I just
keep working on what I want to work on and keep doing
what I want to be doing. That is all anyone can do and
all anyone needs to do.
You will also feel sad about leaving your wife.
Even if it the best thing for you and the only way to save
yourself. You will feel sad for your children having to
now be part of a broken home. You may feel sad for
your children if your wife has a mental or emotional
problem because you realize that your children will have
to deal with her when they grow up.
But the good part is the relief you will feel when
you have left. It is an indescribably wonderful feeling.
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Helpful Resources.
I did a lot or research and reading to develop this
book. I have listed the points that made the most sense
to me and that I think are the most informative. If you
need more information to confirm what I have written
and your own feelings I have listed some of the
resources I found on my journey to freedom. Use these
resources to help you verify what you are feeling. That
is what I did. I felt like I needed to leave, but I needed
the reassurance from others that what I was
experiencing was enough of a reason to leave. I think
that people are very reluctant to confide in their family
and friends about the problems in their marriage. I
know I was. It is easier to work through these issues on
your own through books like this one, websites and your
own written observations.
I suppose I could have tried counseling. I did attend
one session with my wife after I left. The counselor
basically said we were beyond help. She said we would
need a lot of time. In my heart I knew what had to
happen. I knew I had to leave. Besides what do you do
have the counselor with you 24/7?
I read these books and visited these websites and
wrote down my thoughts and observations over the
years leading up to my leaving. Making notes or
journaling is an important part of the process. By having
written information on what you are going through you
are not relying on your memory.
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A good marriage will make your life wonderful. A bad
marriage will make your life a living hell. A marriage
somewhere in between will leave you wanting more and
wondering what to do. Get one or both of these books if
you need more reassurance beyond this book to help
you decide what to do.
The first is:
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step
Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay in or Get Out
of Your Relationship. Written by Mira Kirshenbaum
The second is:
Bailing Out: The Sane Way to Get Out of a Doomed
Relationship and Survive with Hope and Self-Respect.
Written by Barry Lubetkin
Here are some websites that are really helpful:
http://www.verbalabuse.com/
http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#Types%20of%20Emotio
nal%20Abuse
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/jones12.html
http://verbalabuseofmen.com/
http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/emotionalabuse-faq.htm
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Conclusion
That’s the end of this book. As you can see I am
all for men leaving their bad marriage and making the
rest of their lives better. I hope you can use some of
these ideas to get out of a bad marriage. My website
http://www.organized-way.com/index.html has a lot
more information on organizing and making
improvements to your life. But remember, the biggest
improvement to your life will be leaving a bad marriage.
About The Author
Hans D. Hallanger is a Civil Engineer and is The
Organized Man. He is divorced, the father of 2 children
and lives in Southeastern Wisconsin. He uses his free
time, from being out of a bad marriage, to spend time
with his kids, reading, surfing the internet, lifting
weights, walking, traveling, watching the Green Bay
Packers and enjoying life.
Check out my website at http://www.organizedway.com/index.html for more articles and information
on getting organized and living a rewarding life.
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