1. business and industrial

How to Communicate With Unstoppable
Confidence in 20 Days Or Less
By
Peter Murphy
All rights reserved. You cannot give this ebook away free or sell it. You do not have resale rights to this
ebook. This eBook may not be reproduced in any format without the expressed written permission of Peter
Murphy. All violators will be prosecuted.
While attempts have been made to verify information contained in this publication, neither the author nor the
publisher assumes any responsibility for errors, omissions, interpretation or usage of the subject matter herein.
This publication contains the opinions and ideas of its author and is intended for informational purposes only.
The author and publisher shall in no event be held liable for any loss or other damages incurred from the
usage of this publication.
Use this information at your own risk.
(C) Copyright 2003 by Peter Murphy [email protected]
Table of Contents
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83
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Getting Maximum Value from This Course
Lesson 1 - Exude Confidence and Be At Your Best In Meetings
Lesson 2 - Communicate at Your Best, 3 ways to guarantee it
Lesson 3 - Three Secret Keys to Persuasion Magic
Lesson 4 - Control Every Conversation
Lesson 5 - Instant Confidence
Lesson 6 - Reframing Rejection
Lesson 7 - 10 Great Ways to Command Attention
Lesson 8 - Switching Off Negative Thoughts
Lesson 9 - Like a Metaphor
Lesson 10 - Communication Expert Speaks Out
Lesson 11 - Dealing with Mr.FastTalker
Lesson 12 - The Self-Appreciation Enhancer
Lesson 13 - The Listening Pause
Lesson 14 - The Power of Perspective
Lesson 15 - Letting go of wanting your own approval
Lesson 16 - Shifting Focus, the 3 Keys
Lesson 17 - Magnificent Meetings: 5 Tips for Success
Lesson 18 - Instant Relaxation Anytime Anywhere
Lesson 19 - Persuasive Chunks
Lesson 20 - 7 Super Tips for Superior Listening Skills
Getting Maximum Value From This Book - The 100% Solution
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This book is in the form of a 20-day course – take one lesson at a time and apply
the material before moving onto the next lesson. Although it is tempting to read this
material as if it is a book you will not gain as much if you do this.
Treat it like a course – read, learn and apply the distinctions you read here. And
make sure you pay attention to the exact details of each strategy and technique. If
you casually use the techniques without really concentrating and following my
precise directions you will have limited success.
Each lesson is concise and to the point. I have not wasted your time with fluff and
long drawn out explanations. You will also notice that the layout is different to other
ebooks you might have read. This is deliberate and designed to make it easier for
you to work your way through the text without getting bogged down in long
paragraphs.
Bear in mind that the communication principles you will learn apply to all your
dealings with other people whether that is at home, at work or socially - even if I
explain a concept by giving a workplace example.
Read on to learn three simple actions you can take to make the most of this
material.
1. 1% A Day
Aim to be slightly better today than you were yesterday. Even
marginal improvements really stack up over 30 days, 100 days
and one year. If you commit to making gradual progress in your
career one day at a time you will be stunned at how quickly you
move ahead.
At the rate of 1% a day you will be 100% better as a
communicator in just 100 days. In fact you will be even better
because those gradual gains compound to ensure your gains build
upon each other.
Now I know you cannot measure your progress so exactly still
this intention when acted upon will yield results.
As you read this you may well think that this is obvious. It
is. But do you live this principle?
This intention to improve gradually and consistently only works
well when you have a solid strategy to take you where you want
to go. And this is where this course fits in. Each lesson
provides you with proven strategies that work in the real world.
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2. Apply the material in each lesson immediately
When I first learned the material we cover in this course I
urgently needed help in my career. And because I was hungry to
learn and desperate to find something that worked I soaked up
every word of wisdom and I immediately applied what I learned.
And my results reflected this commitment to learning and
applying techniques that work when you work them.
What I notice in life is that my commitment to using what I
learn is unusual. Most people seem to get caught up in day to
day matters and forget to use the strategies they learn.
Please save yourself from falling into that trap.
To get maximum benefit from this course you have to apply the
content of the daily lesson. Give yourself at least 25 minutes
a day to absorb the material and to use what you learn.
Profound wisdom always looks obvious. When you read a lesson
be careful not to make the mistake some people make.
What mistake? The mistake of thinking you knew that already
when in fact you missed the subtlety that makes the technique
or strategy work.
And if you have seen a similar strategy before - have you used
it consistently and played with it until it has worked for you?
I offer you guidance and help with each lesson to ensure you
crack the code that allows you to get results. Call on me to
advise you if you get stuck. [email protected]
3. Revisit the lessons often
Reading the lessons will not improve your communication skills.
Reading and applying the material intelligently will help you
to move ahead quickly in your career.
However I urge you to go one step further and to excel with
this material. Revisit the lessons often.
Schedule time each week to study the material and to find more
ways to use it. Repetition is the mother of skill. To move ahead
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quickly in your career and in your social life takes just a
little intelligent and focused action one day after the next.
Once you have completed the course revisit each lesson at least
once every month. With each passing month you will be able to
do this in less time as you the material starts to sink in.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Lesson 1 - Exude Confidence And Be At Your Best In Meetings
And Social Gatherings
In this lesson I will be covering a peak performance strategy
that top sportspeople and professional communicators use all
over the world.
This is the kind of material that CEO´s pay thousands of
dollars to learn. Why? Because these strategies can give anyone
the edge they need to get ahead.
It is called mental rehearsal, which is widely known about only
the difference here is that we will incorporate several NLP
distinctions into the process to maximize the positive effect
of this mental conditioning.
Neuro-Linguistic Programming or NLP is the study of human
excellence and by utilizing NLP you can be at your best when
you need to be in a meeting.
I will walk you through the process by applying it to a meeting
situation. Bear in mind though that you can use this process to
prepare for any situation when you need to make a good
impression on other people whether that be at a party, a family
gathering or at work.
I have used this strategy to prepare for sale meetings where I
absolutely had to be at my persuasive best. It works very well.
But only if you follow the steps exactly.
The Confidence Super Charger:
Step 1
Define in detail how you want to perform in the meeting or social event.
Describe to yourself in words the way you want to be. How
would you look and sound to a neutral observer?
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e.g. I see myself in an room sitting by a desk. I look
relaxed, and I am smiling, alert and energetic. I am paying
close attention to the other people in the room. My posture is
upright and I am making conversation easily and effortlessly. I
exude confidence, charisma and power.
Step 2
Mentally rehearse the meeting from the perspective of an
observer.
In your imagination visualize yourself looking comfortable and
at ease meeting people, feeling relaxed and confident.
Pretend that you are observing yourself from the other side of
the room. The trick here is to imagine events unfolding in
vivid 3D with rich colors.
For many people, making the image large and close also helps to
make it feel more realistic. Have fun playing with the image
until it seems as real as watching T.V. or a movie screen.
Take care also to introduce sounds - maybe the scratching of a
pen on paper, the squeak of a moving chair or the sound of your
own voice exuding authority and confidence.
You can make sounds come to life by turning up the volume as you
imagine that you are listening to full, resonant sounds in the
room so that it is as if you are really there.
Introduce feeling as well - sense the atmosphere in the room,
the temperature and mood, and soak up the aura of success that
you exude in the imagined picture.
Then introduce different scenarios for different types of
people you may encounter. Imagine talking to someone who is
putting you under pressure!
See yourself politely dealing with everything thrown at you.
What will you do if you are left sitting there facing a wall of
silence? See yourself acting decisively and without fear to
move onto the next opportunity to create rapport.
Picture yourself at ease with whoever you talk to, it is especially
important to consider worst-case scenarios and to visualize
yourself handling each challenge with unstoppable confidence.
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Take time to create rich colors, resonant sounds and strong
feelings. The more realistic you make it the more powerful the
effect will be.
Some people have trouble visualizing and if this applies to you
simply pay more attention to sounds and feelings and sense the
scene unfolding.
Step 3
Mentally rehearse the meeting from your own perspective.
When you are pleased with the imagined performance you are
producing, step inside the image of yourself and run through
the scenarios again as if YOU are now doing it.
See, feel and hear it as if it is really happening. This time,
you are looking out into the world from your own eyes, so your
arms are directly in front of you with people facing you, as
you feel your clothes on your body.
Allow it all to unfold in great detail - make it as real as
possible by letting your imagination free to create a rich and
colorful panoramic view of a successful day.
Finally, pay special attention again to feelings, really spend
time imagining yourself feeling exactly the way you want to
feel, and then crank it up and double the intensity until it
could not possibly get any better. Then, imagine it even better
again!
Step 4
Set up a peak performance signal.
Ask yourself - what signal will you use as a reminder to use
your ability to perform in this way?
I use the feeling of sitting on my own and getting tense as my
mind goes blank. The signal can be something you see, feel or
hear inside or outside yourself and it must happen at or close
to the point of wanting to speak to someone.
Other examples include seeing yourself surrounded by a group of
strangers, hearing someone ask you your opinion, or the feeling
that you want to be more outgoing even as you feel yourself
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getting more self-conscious right now - why not use
self-consciousness to trigger better communication skills!
Imagine the signal happening and visualize yourself performing
at your best in the meeting.
Some final points.
Like anything in life it takes time to get really good at
mental rehearsal. Using this visualization technique for twenty
minutes a day will train your brain to perform new behaviors.
The results will astound you.
All the business leaders I worked with put in the time to learn
new skills that had the potential to move their career forward. You
need to do the same by applying what we have covered here today.
Repetition builds skill!
When I first learned this technique I used it at least three
times a day until I found I could do it easily and effortlessly.
Judge mental rehearsal by trying it out in the real world and
decide for yourself how effective it can be. Use it to prepare
for those crucial meetings and enjoy the satisfaction that
comes from knowing that you are performing at your very best.
Eventually you will be able to use this approach in day-to-day
situations on the spur of the moment by focusing on using the
power of your imagination.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
1 Spend time daily using The Charisma Super Charger. If
possible use it for 15 minutes before work each morning and
during your lunch break if you can get some time to yourself.
Your goal is to train your brain through repetition to
establish a new way of behaving as a habit.
2 Each time you use this mental rehearsal technique aim to make
the scene even more life like than the last time. By doing this
you will install the new behavior pattern more quickly.
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3 If you have trouble visualizing build as realistic a scene as
you can through imagined sounds and feelings. Ultimately
though your goal is to create vivid three dimensional scenes
rich in color, sound and feelings.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Lesson 2 - Communicate At Your Best, 3 ways to guarantee it
Today we will cover a distinction that really does separate the
men from the boys! If you neglect this one principle everything
else you do will suffer.
All top communicators apply this principle without fail because it
is crucial to their long term success. Read on!
Without exception every corporate Vice President understands
the importance of thorough preparation.
To make this point in a way that really hits home I found and
interviewed a success expert who was willing to tell you in his
own words HOW to prepare for success.
I interviewed Charles Burke, entrepreneur and author of two
books on success and luck. This is an excerpt that reveals some
little known secrets that will help you to communicate at your
best.
If what he says sounds unusual then just hang in there. I have
consistently found that those people who rise to the top do
things differently.
Charles gets straight to the point. Read on and learn.
PETER: What does it take to communicate at your best?
For an event like an interview, a meeting or a presentation we
all know that we should prepare beforehand. What else can we do
to have lady luck on our side?
CHARLES: There are three kinds of preparation.
There's short-term preparation. If you'll be presenting a
sales talk or a speech before anybody - whether it's a large
group or a solitary listener - you'll want to practice your
talk again and again till it rolls off your tongue almost
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automatically. Like memorizing your lines in a play.
The second type of preparation is the long-term stuff. This
will have started years earlier.
You should know the material in your field so thoroughly
that you can talk on the topic and answer virtually any
question right off the top of your head.
This long-term preparation is what makes you an expert, and
makes people come asking for your opinions and your time.
The third type of preparation is the inner work. This is
where all your other hard work and preparation is turned
into synchronicity (or what ordinary folks call luck).
Here's where you create those seemingly magical breakthrough
moments that defy all "scientific" logic.
And how you do it is utterly simple. Child's play, actually.
You just imagine what you want in as much detail as
possible.
Just like a child daydreams or builds fantasies, you do the
same.
What do you want? Imagine having it, or doing it, or being
it. Enjoy the experience as though it were happening right
this very moment.
I'll give you a recent example.
I've been selling my book on the Internet for some months,
and with some success, but in all those months, no one had
ever voluntarily written to tell me how much they enjoyed
reading it.
When I sent out email asking for comments or testimonials,
I'd receive some, and they were good, but nobody ever just
thought to write me on their own initiative.
Then one day, on my walk along the beach, I started
pretending that I was reading letters from my readers: "Dear
Mr. Burke, thanks so much for writing your book. My life has
changed since reading it."
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And "Dear Charles, I printed out a copy of your book and
gave it to my daughter. In the last two months she has gone
from jobless, penniless and heartbroken to happy, well-paid
and engaged to be married to a wonderful young man."
I went on like that for about an hour, letter after letter,
and some of those stories were so touching I had tears in my
eyes. Do you think it's weird that I'd respond emotionally
to my own made-up letters?
Weird or not, the next day, emails started coming in from
readers telling me how much they had enjoyed my book and
what it had done for them. Some of the stories were so
personal I would never use them for testimonials, but all
were emotionally stirring.
So if you want something to change in your life, just
imagine it. See it. Hear it. Smell it. But most important of
all, fill it with all the emotion you'd feel if it were
happening right now. Because in your mind, it IS happening
right now.
All three types of preparation are essential. For example,
if you prepare all your material for a speech or a sales
call, but you never get emotionally comfortable with the
idea, you can end up sabotaging yourself.
On the other hand, if you do the emotional preparation by
mobilizing your imagination, you may attract some wonderful
opportunities. But if you haven't practiced and aren't ready
to do the actual work involved, you are likely to fall flat
on your face.
It takes all three types of practice to make you into a wellrounded package. First, you need an expert's background
knowledge so that you understand what you're doing overall.
Second, you need the specific facts regarding your current
client or audience. And third, you need to have your own
emotions and self-beliefs on your side.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
1 Choose a meeting or other event you want to perform well at.
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Run through your speech or talk at least five times on your own.
As you practice do so with energy, enthusiasm and speak aloud
as if someone is listening attentively.
Pay attention to your body language and make sure you simply
exude charisma and energy. Keep going until you achieve this.
If you get stuck choose a role model and act as if you are that
person.
Whenever I get stuck I pretend I am the President speaking with
the authority and presence that comes with that position.
2 Brainstorm. What information do you need to perform your job
better?
Your goal is to be an authority at what you do. You want to be
one of those people in the office who always has the answer.
Cultivating charisma and a sense of authority will get you in
trouble fast if you cannot back up your superior communication
skills with quality work.
Make a list of what you need to learn and schedule time into
your week to acquire this crucial knowledge.
3 Let you imagination run riot
In lesson 1 two days ago we learned how to use a powerful peak
performance approach to mentally rehearse before a key meeting.
Today I want you to go one step further. Imagine your speech or
meeting going better than ever before. Stretch your
imagination.
See people praising you, and telling you with passion how good
you are.
Enjoy the feelings of success and then make the fantasy even
better. Make it better than it has ever been.
Why? To smash through your self imposed limitations and to
train your brain to produce better performance. Until you can
imagine yourself performing better you never will.
If you read the biographies of people like Walt Disney, Henry
Ford and other people who built huge businesses you will find
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they all shared at least one thing in common.
Each one of them had a magnificent obsession, a goal they
wanted to achieve which they visualized constantly until it
came about in the real world.
Walt Disney stared at an orange grove and saw Disney Land. Now
It is your turn to stretch your imagination to see yourself
performing better than ever.
The difference between your imagined reality and the actual
reality will create an inner tension that will propel you to
find the solutions you need to move ahead.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Lesson 3 - Three Secret Keys to Persuasion Magic
Today we look at persuasion and how to be more persuasive. Some
people have the illusion that once you rise to the level of a
Vice President or CEO that you can get things done by issuing
orders and directives. Not true!
The most successful people understand that true success
depends on the buy in of every member of the team. Unless you
can persuade others to join you, work with you and strive to
get results in the face of problems you have no chance of
winning.
You must become more persuasive to realize you true career
potential and to fully enjoy your social life.
P.S. Today is a double lesson bonus today! After the first
lesson below read on to learn even more strategies you can
immediately use at work.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Three Secret Keys to Persuasion Magic
Effective persuasion is more a case of pressing the right
buttons than most people realize. If you could learn to be even
more persuasive than you already are imagine the difference
that would make to the quality of your life.
Consider for a moment the difference it would make to your
confidence and to how other people treat you if you could count
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on always being able to express your self in a way that causes
people to really pay attention to you.
Any truly effective person I have ever dealt with did not rely on
his or her position alone to command respect and attention.
You can only achieve so much with other people by forcing them
to do what you command. True success in all areas of your life
depends ultimately on your ability to get people on your side.
And unless you exude a persuasive charm that makes people want
to help you will eventually hit a ceiling on how high you can go in life.
Just a few critical distinctions can supercharge your communication
skills:
1 Appeal To Values
Values are the criteria by which people make sense of all the
information they must process before making a decision. In
simple terms, your values consist of what is most important to
you.
When you ask someone: what is most important to you about .?
They will tell you their values. Let's say you ask them their
career values, what is most important to you about your career?
They might answer: money, approval, and winning. Speak to them
in terms of these values and you will have their attention,
talk about what is not important to them and don't be surprised
if they fall asleep!
In the case of this example if you wanted to hire this person,
you would grab their interest by showing them how they could
have more money, approval and win more often with your company.
If instead you talked at length about the modesty, politeness
and punctuality of the workforce you would be wasting your time.
Obviously if you cannot fill their values, let them know right
away and you will save a lot of time having a conversation that
is going nowhere.
All highly persuasive people appeal to values. Think of
people you work with who consistently get people to take action
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and get things done. How do they do it?
Some people appeal to your sense of pride: only you can handle
this project because you are uniquely skilled to succeed. Or
how about appealing to your need to feel appreciated: I really
value your role in the team and I will make sure that everyone
else in our department hears about the good work you are doing.
I could list hundreds of ways to appeal to values. Instead I am
going to simplify it for you.
We all crave security, approval and control in our lives more
than anything else. And you can easily spot these desires in
other people once you know what you are looking for.
At work consider those people striving for approval. These
people want to be liked by everyone and find it hard to say No.
The ones looking for security often worry constantly about
things that could go wrong.
While those chasing control live very structured lives with a
place for everything and a lack of spontaneity in how they
approach life.
We all share aspects of these three characteristics but one
tends to dominate for each person.
If you work for a boss that must have control then appeal to
his needs when you want to win his buy in. Talk to him about
how he will have more control over the company by agreeing to
your plans. And explain how the future success of the business
will be hard to ensure without your project.
If you want to get a colleague to help you out and she needs
approval explain how you always enjoy working with her. Tell
her this is an opportunity for other people to see how
competent she is.
Finally, to appeal to a coworker who wants security explain how
you can work together to produce high quality work that will
ensure you are making a valuable contribution to the business.
And as a result you will both be making your job count. Ask for
his help in figuring out what can go wrong and how to safeguard
against such consequences.
One final point. Be sincere. Never use these persuasion
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principles to mislead, cheat or deceive another person. And
remember to sue these strategies at home as well!
2 Let Go
Have you ever wanted something so much that your nerves got in
the way of expressing yourself clearly? That rush of excitement
just seemed to burn out some critical speech circuits!
When you absolutely need to be at your persuasive best
ironically you must also feel that you can walk away from the
deal or discussion without getting what you want.
Developing emotional detachment while still pursuing your goal
is a powerful skill that more people could do well to master.
How can you let go of the feelings while still wanting the goal?
Run through the scenario again and again in your mind, and see
everything working out in your favor. Picture it, hear it and
feel it going your way. Only when you have visualized this in
great detail are you ready to let go.
Ask yourself: could I just let go of wanting this to happen?
Spend a few minutes asking this question until you feel at peace
about your goal, when you feel at ease you will know that you
have let go.
Letting go is vital if you are to be at your persuasive best.
The best influencers prepare emotionally in advance of the big
event, you now know how to join them.
We will return to the principle of letting go later in this
course because it is so important.
Have you ever been on a roll and felt unconcerned about how
well you did at work? If you have experienced this you were in
flow, a state of total concentration when you perform at your
best without a concern for the results and without the tension
you normally feel when you are worried about the outcome
of your efforts.
When you let go the results seem to take care of themselves.
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3 Be Persistent And Count To Ten
I once worked for the best salesperson I have ever come across.
I could never figure out what it was he did differently than
everyone else. What was the secret to doing so much better than
everyone else?
A number of years later he set up his own company, which grew
quickly under his leadership. And he taught his sales force how
to deal with rejection and persist until the sales come in.
One day I asked Paul what his secret was. He told me. He said
that he will listen to *No* ten times before he even considers
giving up on a prospect. Whereas most salespeople grow weary or
give up after hearing No the fifth time, Paul is only getting
started!
I took on board his philosophy and immediately found that I was
catching more of those tricky sales as well as enjoying the
selling game a little more.
Regardless of what your job function is you can be sure you
will get more done at work if you persist just a little more
when you ask for help.
Maintain rapport at all times and just keep asking until you
get the help, resources or time you need from your colleagues.
Make a joke of it: yes, me again just asking for a few minutes
of your time!
I have noticed that people outside of the sales profession will
give up very quickly if someone says No. Have you ever seen a
senior executive take No for an answer after one or two
attempts? Of course not.
The higher you go in the company the more that is expected of
you. Unless you get more persistent you will never ever achieve
all that you are tasked to do.
Charm plus persistence equals results!
Even outside of work situations, a little persistence goes a
long way. Be charming as well as tenacious and people will go
out of their way to help you. Be persistent with a smile on
your face and count to ten!
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-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
1 Appealing to values
Make a list of the key people in your life. Those
Friends and colleagues you deal with on a daily basis.
For each one figure out whether control, security or approval
is the dominant motivation that drives them at work.
Next, think about how you usually deal with each of these
people and notice that when you have appealed to their dominant
motivation you have had more influence.
Finally, resolve to change your approach and talk in terms of
control, approval or security based on who you are talking to
rather than your own needs.
2 Let go to grow
Each day when you commute to work in the morning take some
quiet time to ask yourself these questions:
Could I let go of wanting to succeed today?
Could I let go of wanting to fail today?
And during the day be ready to deal with stress by letting go
of those things you cannot change. You can help to feel more
relaxed by asking yourself: could you let go of wanting control?
In the case of each of these questions the goal is to let the
feelings go. It is not a mental exercise. Ask the question and
notice your feeling response. Often you will feel lighter and
more relaxed. You might even breathe more deeply within seconds.
The more you let go the easier it is to persuade others because
you do so without that sense of desperation or need that can
repel people.
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3 Build your persistence
At work notice how persistent the executive staff are compared
to most of their subordinates.
Make it a game to spot who persists the most in the face of
rejection of his ideas. Count how many times each person will
take No for an answer before giving up. You will be amazed at
what you see.
For yourself do the same. Observe how persistent you are and
work at hearing No at least ten times before you even consider
giving up. Be flexible and charming and you will find that very
few people will be able to resist your requests.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Turning Around Buts
It was a great management development seminar. A really
informative one. To attend it I had traveled for over five
hours by train to Bristol, a city in the South West of England.
And I was really impressed by both the presenters and the great
content.
The course was about language patterns. How to spot them, how
to use this knowledge to get more rapport with people and how to
leverage these patterns to construct more persuasive
presentations.
Just before the lunch break I learned a really cool trick which
anyone can use to turn around objections and to get someone to
listen to your point of view even when they are resistant to
what you have already said.
Have you ever noticed the effect using the word BUT has on
people? For example if I say: Your hair looks great BUT those
shoes look terrible! How do you feel? Did you completely ignore
what I said before I used the word BUT?
Using *but* in a statement tends to wipe out whatever comes
before it and to shift attention to what comes after the word
but.
Here are some more examples for you to see what I mean:
1 He could be the right person for the job BUT he is not PC
19
literate.
2 I want to go to the store with you BUT I do not want to drive.
3 Josh is very friendly BUT he does not listen to what I say
The cool trick I learned at the seminar goes like this. Turn
around the sentence so that what came before the BUT swaps
place with what came after the but.
Then the statements above are changed to:
1 He is not PC literate BUT he could be the right person for the
job.
2 I do not want to drive BUT I want to go to the store with you.
3 He does not listen to what I say BUT Josh is very friendly.
Did you notice the effect this has on the meaning of each
statement? In each case the emphasis has completely shifted even
though the overall message is the exact same. The stress will
always revert to what follows the word BUT.
This knowledge has a very practical application. Let us say you
are in a heated discussion with someone and you want to
convince them of the merits of what you have to say. You need
to find a way to deal with their objection and then you hear
them say something like:
I would like to do what I can now BUT I need to check with my
manager!
You could then, in a friendly way, say in response:
So, you need to check with your manager BUT you would like to do
what you can now!
The other person has put the emphasis on delaying the
proceedings while you have artfully put the emphasis back onto
what can be done right away. Now, take the discussion down this
avenue which you have just opened up.
20
How else is this insight useful? What about when you are not
dealing with objections? First of all where possible refrain
from using the word but. Instead use AND in its place when you
do not want to stress one part of a two barreled statement over
the other.
By using AND you can make the same statement and do so without
putting rapport at risk in the same way that BUT jeopardizes
the flow of a conversation.
Let us see how the above three statements look when we use AND
instead of BUT:
1 He is not PC literate AND he could be the right person for the
job.
2 I do not want to drive AND I want to go to the store with you.
3 He does not listen to what I say AND Josh is very friendly.
In these examples did you notice how using AND softens your
message? You also give equal weight to each element of the
message. Using BUT tends to encourage disagreement whereas AND
encourages cooperation.
Play with this tactic and you will find it amazing the huge
impact you can have by just changing one small word.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
1 Commit this three step formula to memory.
A. Deal with objections by rearranging the sentence around BUT.
B. When stating the newly arranged sentence do so with rapport.
C. Use AND instead of BUT to soften your own message.
2 Use this formula at least three times a day for the next
seven days at home and at work until you can use it without
thinking about it.
3 Pay attention when you see people in positions of power using
BUT and notice the impact this has on their staff.
21
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Lesson 4 - Control Every Conversation
You have already learned some powerful strategies just remember
to apply these new skills each day. The difference between
knowing what to do and doing it is a big one.
And the people who apply strategies that work move ahead very
quickly. One trait of all highly successful individuals is a
love of learning new things and a commitment to life long
learning.
Devote 30 minutes each day to developing your communication
skills and before long you will exude a powerful charisma that
puts you first in line for new opportunities.
There is no shortage of people with your skills but very few
people who can get results, command the support of their
coworkers and friends, and communicate in a way that demands
attention.
Once you have highly developed communication skills the quality
of your life will change dramatically.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Control Every Conversation
Regardless of who you are and where you belong in the corporate
structure you can exert more influence and take charge of your
destiny by learning how to control the conversations you have
with both your colleagues and your superiors.
Making the most of any conversation presupposes that you
already know how to express yourself well. Even so unless you
are equally as skilled when it comes to taking charge of the
dialogue that passes between you and another person you can
easily be left out and find yourself just observing and
wondering what to do to get back into the conversation.
This is especially true when you find yourself in a group situation.
Have you ever felt tongue tied as a group slowly forgot you were
22
even present? Have you ever had a conversation with a
salesperson and felt exhausted afterwards? In both cases it is
likely that you were not at all in control of the conversation.
In the example of the group, you did not know how to get back
into the conversation; while with the salesperson, you were
jumping through hoops as she directed a focused line of
questioning giving you little opportunity to take back control.
There is a better way. We can rebuild you! Let´s look at three
highly effective ways to take back control.
Three points of leverage for controlling conversations:
1 Ask Questions:
Whoever is asking the questions is in control of the
conversation. Even when the other person has power by virtue
of their position you can still exert control by asking
questions.
You could ask for clarification on key points, you might ask him
to repeat an important issue or you could suggest that he
explain himself in a different way so that you can better
understand what he wants from you.
In this way you can exert your influence and ensure that you
are not steamrolled into accepting something before you have a
moment to think it through. Asking questions also gives you
more time to decide how to respond.
Questions direct the flow of conversation. You can use them to
avoid topics you do not want to discuss, to draw attention to
important information and to find out exactly what your
coworkers want when they request your input.
Be careful though and ask specific questions that will lead you
towards the accomplishment of your goals. Instead of asking
your boss for a pay rise ask her - what specific results do you
need to produce to guarantee a pay raise?
If you want to double your pay - ask what do you need to do to
achieve this goal? What exactly would you need to contribute to
the business to make it a win-win for everyone involved?
Too few people want more responsibility in the workplace. Ask
for it by asking the right questions and you will know what is
23
expected of you before you take on more work.
Effective managers ask a lot of questions before they commit to
delivering a new project by an agreed deadline. You can do the
same and avoid putting yourself in situations where you cannot
win.
2 Listen Effectively:
In the context of controlling a conversation, it is worth
remembering that everyone has an ego and all of us are
convinced that our opinions are correct and that they are worth
hearing. Who does not love the opportunity to share their wisdom
with someone who really wants to hear it?
The better you become as a listener the more easily you will
command power in a conversation.
It is a sad and unfortunate reality that husbands do not really
listen to their wives; friends do not always pay full attention
to each other; and, coworkers are in all honesty more
interested in solving their own problems than giving you
complete attention when you are talking to them.
This represents a huge opportunity for all of us. If you commit
to becoming a great listener you will never have any difficulty
making new friends, people will like you because you really give
them your full attention. This demonstrates that you respect
them and they in turn are more likely to respect you.
Make a point of giving each person your complete attention when
they are talking. The other person will feel valued and
significant and more open to letting you share your views and
wants.
The best influencers and persuaders have a knack for making you
feel important. How? By genuinely giving you 100% of their
attention.
Do the same and you will stand out from the crowd.
3 Give First:
In a conversation, give first without wanting or expecting
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anything in return. Giving could mean, giving information,
advice or offering to help fix a problem.
By giving, you will feel better about yourself; and by acting
with generosity you will feel more positive, caring and
genuinely interested in the welfare of the other person. And
when you feel good about yourself and others, people just
cannot help picking up on those warm, loving feelings.
It is then relatively easy to have a meaningful conversation
where everyone shares and you can ensure that you get to say
what needs to be said.
In a work context, you may choose to give only in return for
another favor, it depends on your assessment of who you are
dealing with. Where possible though do give small favors just
because it feels good and creates a great working atmosphere.
At a meeting at some later date you will be amazed at the
goodwill you have generated when people want to hear what you
have to say. It will only be then that you realize the power you
have to influence with just words and an attentive audience.
The first time I did this I was staggered by the results. I
was walking back into the office after lunch with a small cake
the people in the sandwich store gave me as a special offer. As
I walked past the receptionist I paused to ask her if she would
like a cake.
Her usually tense face opened out into a warm smile and this
one gesture made her day. From that day forward she was always
keen to help me whether I needed to book a meeting room or just
page someone.
To sum up, asking questions puts you in control, being a great
listener earns you bonus points for when you speak, and giving
first allows you to create a friendly atmosphere grounded in
rapport.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
25
1 Better Questions
Stop asking vague questions that do not take conversations
forward.
Instead make a point of asking highly specific questions. By
doing this you will become more productive at work because you
will be getting straight to the heart of the matter in a
fraction of the time it would otherwise take.
During the coming days and weeks observe the questions you ask
and gradually ask more and more specific questions when you are
gathering information.
As well, when you are under pressure remember to ask questions
to buy time to think your way out of problems!
2 Listen More
Decide to give coworkers 100% attention and you will get a
better response from the people you work with. Look away from
the PC, put down your paperwork and face the person speaking to
you.
Never again allow yourself to half heartedly listen. If you are
too busy reschedule the discussion rather than insult people by
not participating fully.
It is time to hold yourself to a higher standard. There is no
better way to move ahead in your career. Expect more of
yourself each day and you will quickly surpass all others
working at your level.
3 Giving First
Choose five people who are key to your success at work. Perhaps
the receptionist, the office manager, the mail room clerk and
the department manager. Each one of these people can help you
to get ahead because of their access to people and information.
Look for ways to help each one of these people out when they
are fully stretched. And do it to help them and not for
immediate gain. If you do this out of a sincere desire to help
you will win lifelong friends.
26
Next week pick another five people and week by week work your
way through the entire office.
Apply the same approach to those key people in your family and
community.
It really is amazing what happens when you give with no strings
attached.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Lesson 5 - Instant Confidence
Today you will learn how to feel the way you want to feel
regardless of external circumstances.
Imagine feeling confident and at peace despite getting
reprimanded by your boss. Or feeling charismatic and powerful
in the face of a rude and hostile audience! These are the kind
of skills possessed by the leaders of industry and commerce.
Now it is your turn to learn how they do it.
In this lesson we will look at NLP and at one of the
fundamental tools of NLP which will prove extremely powerful in
helping you to have more charisma, enthusiasm and fun when
meeting people. And after you apply what you learn in this
lesson you will find it easy to make a great first impression
whenever you want to make your point and get noticed.
Neuro Linguistic Programming, NLP, is the study of how people
represent experiences, real or imagined, to themselves
internally, and the corresponding effect on how the nervous
system functions.
Dr.Richard Bandler, a Gestalt therapist, and John Grinder, a
respected linguist, jointly developed NLP in the 1970s. These
two innovative researchers studied highly successful therapists
such as Dr. Milton Erikson, the gifted hypnotherapist, and Virginia
Satir, an exceptional family therapist, and their findings led them
to develop a set of strategies known as NLP.
Today these NLP strategies are used around the world by
therapists, business executives and leading sports people
to cope with pressure and to perform at their best when they
need to.
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NLP is all about producing results and often very quickly. If
NLP has an attitude then that attitude is all about producing
measurable results that enhance the quality of peoples lives
without a lengthy and painful journey into the past. The
application of NLP is directed towards quickly attaining a
desired outcome i.e. what do you want and how soon can you have
it?
In this session we are going to learn all about an easy to
learn NLP technique called anchoring, a simple way to allow
you to change any unwanted feeling to a resourceful feeling in
a matter of moments. When you create an anchor you set up a
stimulus response pattern so that you can feel the way you want
to, whenever you need to.
Imagine what it would be like if you could, in a moment, go
from feeling anxious to feeling confident and absolutely
capable right in the middle of a stressful meeting when all
eyes are on you. Would that ability make a big difference to
your effectiveness at work? Could you now handle the day-today pressures of your business more easily?
I will now outline how to establish an anchor. Each step is
concise and must be followed exactly to ensure you create a
powerful anchor.
Steps to creating a powerful anchor:
1) Identify the emotional state you want e.g. confidence,
charisma, enthusiasm. This step is crucial. You need to
define very specifically how you want to feel. Choosing to feel
powerful and enthusiastic is specific and something you can
work towards. Saying that you do not want to feel anxious or
nervous is not much help because you still do not know what you
do want. Select a desired state i.e. specifically how you want
to feel.
2) Recall a particular time in your life when you felt the
desired state. Pick a powerful example. It is worthwhile
looking back at your memories to relive times when you had this
28
desired state, the context is unimportant, what is important is
recalling a few particularly strong experiences and then
selecting the most powerful one.
3) Create state: in your imagination put yourself back into
that experience as if it is happening in this moment. Notice
what you see, hear what you were hearing, feel what you were
feeling in the moment. Allow it to be as if it is happening.
4) Establish anchors: notice how the state builds to a peak and
then declines. Now repeat step 3 only this time just as the
state is about to peak, make a unique gesture with the fingers
of one hand as you say a word or phrase to evoke the feeling,
while also visualizing an image that represents the state.
e.g. clench your left fist as you softly say to yourself HOT
STUFF...while you picture someone who represents confidence for
you e.g. a Hollywood actor. Hold the state for a few moments,
release the anchors and then break state.
Change your emotional state by thinking about something
completely different and by changing your posture.
5) Repeat step 4 five times so as to build a resilient anchor.
This repetition is crucial.
6 Test the anchors by firing them (make the unique gesture,
say the word/phrase, picture the person that represents
calmness) and check that you do experience the desired state.
You will know that you have successfully anchored the resource
when you can access the desired state by firing any one of the
component anchors i.e. the visual (picture), auditory
(word/phrase) or feeling (gesture) anchor. You ought to feel
the anchored state within 10-15 seconds.
If the feeling is not satisfactory then choose a different
experience that more precisely gives you the appropriate state.
To make sure your anchoring works as well as possible you need
to learn about the secrets to powerful anchoring. There are six
distinctions that will supercharge your anchoring skills.
29
The six secrets to powerful anchoring:
1 Only anchor an intense state i.e. a strongly felt experience.
2 Pick an experience that is pure and not mixed with other
feelings.
3 Use unique anchors so the state is only accessed at will.
4 Timing is crucial, fire the anchors before the peak and
release before the peak declines.
5 Spend time at anchoring to become skillful. Allow 20-30
minutes per session.
6 Reinforce periodically to keep the anchor strong since the
intensity may fade over time.
Using anchors can make a massive difference to your ability to
deal with people. Instead of hoping you will feel capable when
you next need to express yourself, just fire your anchor and in
a moment feel the way you want to feel.
Maybe you want to feel relaxed in a crowded place, fire your
relaxation anchor and you have it in an instant. Perhaps you
want to feel powerful, then fire your power anchor and in a few
moments you can go from feeling like you are under surveillance
to feeling in charge of your feelings and your world.
You can also stack anchors. This means that you would select
your desired state and anchor it as above and then repeat the
process with a different state but using the same gesture, word
and picture.
For example you could anchor confidence to a clenched left fist,
say POWER and picture James Bond. Then you could start the
anchoring process again to anchor a time when you had a huge
grin on your face to the same clenched left fist, POWER and the
image of James Bond.
Before you know it you will be able to feel powerful AND happy
in a moment. How about stacking enthusiasm too?
This is how I do so well in business when meeting people for
the first time. I always have a powerful anchor ready whenever
I need it. Just before a key meeting I will fire the anchor to
30
ensure a great first impression, then during the meeting I will
fire the anchor again whenever I feel my state slip.
You can do the same for social occasions.
Will people spot you firing the anchor? No! The secret is to
be subtle. You could say the word or phrase to yourself
quietly in your head or just imagine that image that evokes the
desired state. I like to anchor using subtle gestures such as
bringing three fingertips together with a unique pressure.
This can be done without anyone noticing.
Anchoring is a life skill that will work for whatever you apply
it to. It has relevance for work, family life and relationships.
Let us say your spouse has a special talent for getting on your
nerves, just fire your calmness anchor and instantly you will have
freedom from the torment!
You can also use this new skill to get more of the important
things in life. What is of utmost importance to you that you
currently are missing out on because you never before had the
ability to change how you feel in a moment? How soon now would
you like to use anchoring to enhance your ability to deal with
other people?
Take some time as well to review your top goals and values.
Then decide which emotional states you need to achieve these
goals. Create a list of these feelings and schedule 20-30
minutes to set up an anchor for each one. Make notes to remind
yourself which triggers you will use for each state.
Although this may seem unusual at first, with practice this
will become second nature. Approach it from the point of view
of having fun learning something different and you will soon
become skilled at anchoring. When I first learned about
anchoring I made a point of anchoring three resourceful states
a day. You would be amazed at how quickly your life expands
when you are feeling phenomenal!
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
1 Anchor confidence using the steps above. Take your time, it
might take you 30 minutes the first time you work with anchoring.
2 Select four more resource states you would love to have at
31
work. Then anchor one a day for the next four days.
For example:
Tuesday - Charisma
Wednesday - Cool Under Pressure
Thursday - Patience
Friday - Relaxed Concentration
3 Fire your anchors while mentally rehearsing your next
meeting. This will blow your mind!
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Today is a bonus day!
Read on to read an unusual tip that really does work. Bear in
mind that some of the strategies that I cover in this course
sound a little strange however I have tested everything for
myself. It works!
Please remember to get the most out of this course you must
read AND apply what you learn. Play with the techniques. Test
them out for yourself and expect a little trial and error
before you master the techniques.
When I started on the same journey you now find yourself on I
was really not very good at getting along with people. I had a
small group of close friends and at work I got along with
people.
However I certainly was not confident, assertive and persuasive
at work. The funny thing is people tend to take you at face
value so as soon as I invested time in learning how to be a
better communicator people just accepted me as one.
Today I can be confident, persuasive, charismatic or inspiring
whenever I want to be. Only because I invested the time to
learn and use strategies that work.
Charisma is the ultimate goal for you and this will happen as
long as you make a daily habit of applying what we cover in
these lessons.
One last point. Observe yourself and others with curiosity.
Always be asking yourself -32
How did she communicate that point so well?
What could he do differently to have more charisma?
How can I get even better at expressing myself?
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----As If You Could
When she turned around to see who was watching, everyone was
watching. And not just her boss and the rest of the management
team but the entire office.
Had Alice owned a magic wand she would have used it to disappear
into thin air only this was not an option. Instead she
stood there in front of the crowded conference room wondering
where to begin or rather how to begin. You see Alice had gone
completely blank.
She could not remember any of her well rehearsed script. Instead
she felt very small and very alone standing there with the
spotlight positioned so as to accentuate the tension in her
face.
She took a sip of water and felt her heart beating furiously,
and with her hand shaking uncontrollably she tried to look
relaxed as she put the glass back on the table.
It was at that point that Alice decided that enough was enough.
She was either going to give the best presentation she could or
die trying. She reminded herself to just * Act As If * To act
as if everything is under control, to pretend that she could
and would cope with the situation, and to behave as if she was
a great speaker.
Alice then straightened her shoulders, stood tall and took in a
big breath of air conditioned office air. Next she started to
move as if she was in complete charge of the room and already
she felt a little if only a little stronger. Time for overdrive
she thought to herself and decided it was time to exaggerate.
So as she began to speak Alice stood up to the microphone acting
out the part of someone with ten times her experience,
confidence and charisma. She stood there and spoke with passion
and impact.
33
And because she was putting so much attention on acting as if
she was a fantastic speaker, her nerves from earlier retreated
into the background.
And now over to you.
When you * Act As If * you achieve two results. Firstly, you
keep your conscious mind busy with how you want to feel and
behave in the present moment and this helps to keep negative
self talk out of your mind. Secondly, acting as if allows you
to role play and thereby to try out different ways of behaving.
If you have ever played better after watching your favorite
sport on TV it is likely that you were performing better because
you were copying the approach of your role model. Part of you
was playing as if you were a professional and the results
followed.
Good performance and bad performance in sport and in
communication both involve strategies. To feel worried you must
use your body and mind in certain ways to feel unresourceful. To
be worried it really helps if you talk quietly to yourself about
all the things that can go wrong while tensing your body and
taking shallow infrequent breaths.
Whereas to feel confident or powerful you need to move your body
in a very different way while thinking different thoughts. Then
to really go for it you can pretend that you are your role model
and mimic his or her movements. Although this sounds daft at
first if you play around with it you will see that it does work.
One word of warning though. Only use the Act As If strategy when
you need to step into a resourceful emotional state IF and only
if you have the skills and ability required to perform well in
a given situation.
It is easy to get into a state of high confidence and absolute
conviction that you can do ANYTHING. Such a state will help you
to perform at your best. However this is no substitute for
ability or competence.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
34
1 Use the Act As If strategy at home when you are alone.
Practice talking, moving and walking as if you are already a
highly charismatic person.
Notice how you feel. The more often you do this the more
familiar and comfortable these feelings will become. Eventually
being like this will be a habit. A very good habit!
2 Think about how you habitually behave, speak and interact
with other people at work. Without realizing it you are already
Acting As If.
However you are Acting As If without holding yourself to a
higher standard. You are acting as if you have limited
abilities, confidence and impact.
3 Decide to take charge of the way you behave and communicate at
work. Notice the discrepancy between who you are and who you
want to be.
Gradually Act As If you have charisma in low risk situations at
Home and at work until you develop this new habit. Then over time
behave in this way in more important meetings and situations.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Lesson 6 - Reframing Rejection
Leaders of corporations and wealthy entrepreneurs deal with
rejection very differently than everyone else. They accept it as
a part of the process of getting ahead. And instead of avoiding
it they learn how to handle it.
You must learn to laugh at rejection! Read on to learn how.
P.S. Today is a double lesson bonus day! Read on after the
first lesson below for even more powerful strategies for your
success.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Reframing Rejection
Fear of rejection is one of the greatest fears shared by all
35
human beings. Nobody wants to feel left out, unwanted or
disliked.
And at the same time what we really want is to be loved and
accepted by everyone - that would be bliss. It will never happen
though because we all have biases, opinions and beliefs that
color the way we look at the world.
Every achiever knows that to get ahead she must endure rejection,
problems and at times even ridicule. Until you know how to deal
with rejection you will not be ready to up the stakes at work.
Even top managers do not like getting rejected however they do
not let it stop them from progressing with their plans. Your
ideas and plans will get turned down from time to time but that
is no reason to feel down.
People will reject us no matter how good we look, no matter
how successful we are, and no matter how giving we are. If we
were to become even nicer, and even more spiritually aware they
would still reject us so it is a pointless battle trying to win
over everyone.
However we can change how we think about rejection. If we change
the meaning of rejection it can become our ally instead of our
enemy. Next time someone rejects you why not take it as feedback
instead. That is, your approach did not work and you need to try
a new approach. In sales, the salesperson must view rejection as
feedback or else she will slowly go insane!
So let us view rejection as feedback. When you are rejected
immediately set your mind the task of intelligently answering
this question - how must I change my approach to get what I
want?
By doing this, you shift your attention back to what you can do
and off the other person whose approval is theirs to give or not
to give.
Let us take the example of asking someone to help you with a
project at work. You are afraid to ask for help so when you do,
your coworker can almost smell this fear of rejection coming
from you.
So he says No, he is far too busy to help you today. Now
immediately ask yourself the feedback reframe question -
36
How must I change my approach to get what I want?
Asking this question will give you an unlimited range of new
approaches to use: maybe smile more, or bribe him with a soft
drink, or perhaps offer to do some of his boring work in return
for help.
It also helps to anticipate rejection before it has a chance to
happen. In the case of the example above, before talking to the
colleague I would spend a few minutes in preparation running
through possible ways he might reject me. For each possible
situation, just keep asking yourself - how must I change my
approach to get what I want?
You may not realize, most people just give up too easily
because rejection feels so unpleasant. If you reframe rejection
to mean feedback it becomes a mental puzzle to solve instead.
You will then be able to endure the word *No* a lot longer. This
endurance will also encourage others to let you have what you
want because you just do not seem to take No for an answer!
****Warning: maintain rapport at all times when you use this
approach, this new found courage and tenacity is only
appreciated by others if you use it with a win-win outlook.****
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
1 Observe yourself at work and notice how you feel when someone
says No to your proposals. Notice how deflated you feel and
then realize that how you feel depends on the meaning you give
the experience.
2 Reframe five situations where you have felt rejected at work.
In each case what did it mean when you were rejected? And, what
would you like it to mean?
I am not worthy! I am useless! or They made a poor decision! I
need to change my approach!
You can change the meaning of the experience by deciding to.
37
3 Step a few days into the future in your mind and select a
situation where it is likely your proposals could be rejected.
4 Decide today what it means if you get rejected.
5 Figure out ways to structure your proposal AND the way you
explain your plans to minimize the possibility of rejection.
The most highly paid executives use rejection as a signal to
change their approach, maybe you could too!
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Dealing With Extreme Rejection - Hostility
Have you ever dreaded an upcoming presentation, meeting or
function because you just knew that the group would be hostile?
Maybe you had heard that these people are very critical, even
aggressive.
How can you prepare for such a situation even though you would
prefer to disappear into thin air?
1 Use Adversity To Make You Stronger
Very often we make our greatest breakthroughs in the face of
huge challenges. We improve our performance overnight because
we absolutely have to so as to avoid dire consequences. It
might even be a case of get this result now or lose your job.
Knowing that you will be facing a hostile crowd, why not decide
now to prepare for the presentation better than you have ever
done before. Decide that you will absolutely take charge of the
situation and then devise a plan to make sure you will be
awesome when the pressure is on.
Work on the content of your presentation, your delivery, and
especially on how you will interact with a difficult audience.
Anticipate heckling, negative responses and resistance.
Then decide before the event how you will deal with it. Devise
answers and responses for stupid questions and boorish
behavior.
All too often we do a little preparation before a big event and
38
then just hope that it will all turn out right. If professional
sportspeople approached their work like that sport would not
even be worth watching. If all those famous singers, dancers
and comedians did not constantly work on their skills BEFORE a
performance then you would never have heard of them.
Giving a presentation takes very little time, and it is the tip
of the iceberg, an iceberg that you sculpt in the days before
the event.
Think for a moment about how much time you spend in preparation
for a speech, a job interview or a meeting. Now DOUBLE the time
you normally invest in yourself. Spend time on becoming
excellent instead of just aiming to be good.
Use the force against you to become stronger - turn the threat
into an opportunity. The stronger the breeze, the stronger the
trees.
2 State Management
To perform well when the crowd is openly hostile it is critical
to be able to maintain your composure. You will need to be cool
under pressure despite the negativity that you see and hear in
front of you. If you need a magic wand then anchoring is the
answer.
Anchoring is the single most effective way of taking charge of
your emotional state. With an anchor you can change how you feel
in an instant, I devoted lesson 5 to it because it is such an
important skill to master.
Consider for a moment - if you could feel any way you wanted
to, how would you like to feel in the face of hostility?
Write down the various answers that come to mind. Maybe you
would like to feel confident, powerful, energetic, or even
courageous.
Now, refer to my lesson on anchoring if you need a reminder,
then set up an anchor for those resourceful feelings that you
will need in the heat of the moment when the pressure is on.
Then later on when you are speaking, whenever you need to, you
can fire your anchor and instantly go from feeling overwhelmed
39
to feeling confident and strong.
By the way, if you have never used anchoring you are in for a
mind blowing experience.
3 Disaster Planning
The final stage is to run through worst case scenarios for your
upcoming presentation. Think about what could go wrong, what
might go wrong, and even, what is unlikely to happen that would
be catastrophic if it did happen.
Then work out a plan to deal as best you can with each
scenario. Until you have completed this stage you are not ready
to face the crowd.
By the way, you are the best person to devise your strategy
because your approach must fit with your personality and
presentation style.
Make sure you feel happy with your plan before you decide to
implement it, otherwise on the big day you could well end up
getting stuck. Not knowing what to do, you could just end up
feeling confused.
The presentation itself is the tip of the iceberg - be sure you
sculpt a fine iceberg that will not melt under the spotlight.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
1 Review anchoring and set up an appropriate anchor to use in
difficult meetings.
2 Spend extra time preparing for your next meeting and raise
your standards. Aim to be excellent and not just very good.
To become more valued at work you must start to become more
valuable today not some time in the future.
3 Use disaster planning as a habit. Ask yourself daily what
could go wrong and then as far as possible remove the
likelihood that things will go wrong.
40
By living this philosophy you take more risk out of your career
and so your work life will be more secure and less stressful.
Every good CEO works very hard to minimize the risk in the
business you ought to do the same with your plans to get ahead.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Lesson 7 - 10 Great Ways To Command Attention
In this course we cover advanced communication skills in every
lesson and still you may find that you do not always make as
much progress as you would like. The reason is resistance.
Do you ever feel like no matter how hard you try you just cannot
seem to make significant progress? You learn some new skills and
are excited about using them only you never seem to get around
to applying what you learned. No matter what you do your life is
like driving uphill with the handbrake on!
What you are experiencing is resistance, one of the biggest
barriers to creating your life the way you want it to be.
Resistance happens when all parts of you are not pulling
together to get you what you want. Thankfully there is a way of
releasing resistance so that you can move ahead with greater
ease.
Two Steps to Release Resistance:
1 Notice that you are feeling stuck. And then let yourself feel
that resistance in your body, allow it to be there without
judging it or trying to get rid if it.
2 Ask yourself: would I rather stay stuck or would I rather be
free of it? Ask yourself this question, notice your answer, and
then ask the question again. Allow yourself five minutes to
repeat this process or until you feel more relaxed, lighter and
more at peace.
Then return to your activity with a greater sense of being able
to do whatever it takes to get it done.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----41
10 Great Ways To Command Your Listener to Pay
Attention
Every major achiever knows how to talk in a way that causes
people to stop whatever they are doing and pay attention.
To become a superior communicator you have to focus on
developing this important skill so I have put together some
tips to help you focus your efforts.
These tips are a great starting point to help you to get someone
to listen carefully when that other person is not paying any
heed to what you are saying.
Bear in mind that you need to play with these tips in the real
world each day until they become like second nature. At first
it may seem false and forced but with practice you will be able
to skillfully command attention.
1 Speak more softly. This will cause most people to ask you to
speak up!
2 Confuse your friend. Say something that does not make sense.
For example, the cat drove me over because my car is getting
serviced! This is a very effective way to get people to open
their ears to your words.
3 Use silence by refraining from saying any more. Very often
this pause in conversation is uncomfortable and demands that
someone says something. Wait for your friend to speak first.
4 Appeal to his values. When you direct the conversation to
something that is important to your listener what you say
becomes very difficult to ignore.
Let us say you are talking about cleaning the house and you
want it to look spotless. Talk about how good it will feel when
it is nice and clean if he values feeling comfortable and does
not notice how the place looks.
5 Create urgency. Mention that you only have a few minutes to
talk because you have to be somewhere else. It is now or never
so listen up!
6 Ask your colleague if he can keep a secret. This ought to get
42
his attention since we all love to be privy to restricted
information. Then tell him that you will reveal all after you
discuss what it is you want to say.
7 Tell a joke or a humorous story. Once you have their attention
and they are smiling they will be more receptive to your
message.
8 Speak with massive enthusiasm and smile a lot. This wave of
high energy is hard to resist even for the most reluctant
audience.
9 Play with the pace of your speech by speaking way too fast or
way too slow until you are asked to repeat yourself! Got him!
10 Compliment something about your coworker. People love to
feel admired and appreciated and if you sincerely compliment
someone they will know you have good taste. If you have good
taste you must be worth listening to!
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
1 Pick two of these tips a day to play with for the next five
days and keep adjusting your approach until you can see
noticeable differences in how people respond to your words.
2 Ask yourself - which important person at work never listens
to what I say? Use the tips above to catch their attention,
then fire your charisma anchor, from lesson 6. Keep talking
with charisma!
3 Use mental rehearsal to prepare for tomorrow and see
yourself speaking with skill as you incorporate these tips into
your communication style.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Lesson 8 - Switching Off Negative Thoughts
One of my mentors, a senior corporate Vice President always has
an uncanny ability to maintain a positive mental attitude even
when the projects we are working on are off target.
Like anyone else he does have moments when he loses this
43
positive outlook however it was usually only a momentary lapse
of reason.
The more senior your position the more is expected of you and
the bigger the challenges you will face at work. As a result it
is critical that you can remain positive and resourceful when
you face problems at work.
What has this got to do with communication? A lot! Do you like
working with negative people? Do you enjoy dealing with
stressed out coworkers? All the tension and worry rubs off on
everyone else. And it feels uncomfortable does it not?
Consequently to exude charisma even in times of crisis you
absolutely must remain positive. Your non-verbal communication
speaks louder than your words. Remember that!
Only when you are positive will your words have the true impact
and power they can have on your colleagues. In contrast feeling
negative and worried sucks the life out of your message and
leaves your listener unmoved and unsupportive.
There can be no enduring charisma without a resilient positive
mental attitude. Read on to get yours!
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Switching Off Negative Thoughts
Have you ever found yourself at a work gathering and felt
intimidated? Maybe the whirlwind of negative thoughts in your
head stopped you meeting new people, joining a conversation or
participating fully.
If only you could take charge of your thoughts you could have
a lot of fun, be yourself and make lots of contacts! What if
you could simply switch off those negative thoughts?
How To Switch Off Negative Thoughts:
1 Use Your Secret Pressure Point
On the roof of your mouth directly behind your two front teeth
there is a fleshy ball at the point where your gums meet the
44
back of your front teeth.
If you touch this pressure point with the tip of your tongue
you will find that the chatter inside your head eases off
dramatically.
Without realizing it a lot of the time your tongue makes very
slight movements to match the inner talk inside your head. Stop
the tongue from moving and the chatter stops.
Touching the pressure point with your tongue also helps to
relax you which is a useful benefit when you are already
feeling anxious at a work gathering.
2 Interrupt The Pattern
Your mind can only pay attention to one thing at a time. Take
your mind off of negative thoughts by giving your mind
something else to focus on.
I often listen to my favorite music when I want to switch my
attention off of negative thoughts. This can be when I am
driving to a meeting or when I am in the office at my desk.
If I am in a meeting and I want to interrupt the pattern of
limiting thoughts I will listen to my favorite music only this
time I recall the memory and hear it inside my head.
A friend of mine with a very stressful job has a great way to
start his day. He listen to the James Bond theme tune up loud
while he is shaving. Doing this makes him laugh while also
energizing him.
Later in the day it is easy for him to recall the tune if he
needs to distract his mind and get off of the negatives that
can crop up in his demanding position as a senior software
engineer.
3 Preparation With Disaster Planning
One other way to take charge of the negative thoughts is to
prepare before a meeting or work event by discovering and
dealing with the negative thoughts before they surface.
Make a list of all the things that could embarrass you. Write
down all the things that could go wrong. And then brainstorm
awkward situations you might find yourself in.
45
Really indulge yourself and let your imagination run riot!
Now! For each hazardous situation write down three ways to deal
effectively with the situation. Take your time at this.
Once you have finished this exercise you will feel more
confident because you will know you can handle whatever happens.
Get specific! What specifically could go wrong?
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
1 Brainstorm those situations that typically make you feel
negative at work. Maybe a particular person really gets on your
nerves or perhaps certain tasks drive you nuts.
2 Use your secret pressure point the next time these
circumstances arise.
Like all the other strategies we cover in this course it is
essential to practice this one to really master it.
3 Review the top five items on your list. Those situations that
really ruin your day. Now run through the disaster planning
process above for each one.
Your goal is to progressively remove the negatives from your
day by changing how you think and feel in these situations.
Once you have done this your charisma quotient will be even
higher.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Lesson 9 - Like a Metaphor
Today is a double lesson bonus day!
The first lesson is about metaphors, the best way to turn
misunderstandings into a shared experience. Without a knowledge
of how to use metaphors you will often reach a dead end when
dealing with people from different backgrounds.
46
In the second lesson today I cover the one critical career
advancement strategy that all leaders and highly
successful people exhibit.
When these powerful people speak they have a real impact
because of HOW they speak not just because of their position or
because of what they say. They intuitively understand how
essential it is to have congruence when they communicate.
To move ahead in your career and to exude a charisma that
inspires people you absolutely must have congruence when you
speak. If you do not then everything else you say will be have
a limited effect.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Like a Metaphor
Stories sell. Have you ever heard Victor Kiam talking about why
he bought the company because he liked the razor so much? He
tells stories all the time to drag you in, to grab your
attention and to set himself apart from everyone else.
Unless you know how to use stories you will never be able to
reach everyone. This is because stories are a special and
unique way to reach out to a mixed group of people at the one
time.
Many CEO´s use stories and metaphors in business. They talk
about winning the battle, fighting the competition and buying
new tools for the next offensive.
Other leaders like to use sporting metaphors. They talk about
passing the ball, kicking off a project and scoring a win.
All leaders who use metaphors do so to appeal to a varied group
of people in a way that all can understand. That is the real
value of using metaphors.
These metaphors have power because they tap into our imagination
and feelings. Let me tell you a story to better explain what a
metaphor is.
Linda tied her shoe laces and stood up before crossing the
rickety bridge that dangled over the rushing waters of the
river down below. She had always feared both heights and water
47
so she felt apprehensive as she gingerly made here way across
the wooden bridge.
On the few times she glanced down she was not pleased to spy
through the cracks in the wooden planks the water way down
below.
She walked slowly but surely, all the time staring straight
ahead at her friends on the other side. She was relieved when
she finally caught up with them.
Read on before I explain what the above metaphor is about.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone who just could not
understand what you were talking about even though you explained
your point as clearly as you could? Maybe you even repeated
yourself again and again to no avail.
What can you do in these situations? If repeating yourself does
not work and you have tried every variation you can think of
then there is no point in continuing. You are stuck.
In these situations it is time to construct a metaphor. What is
a metaphor? In the context of hypnosis and NLP, a metaphor is a
story that allows you to express a point of view in a way that
bridges your reality with the reality of the person listening
by finding common ground that is understood by both parties.
For example if you asked me why you cannot recharge a battery
for your phone when it is already charged up, I would say that
in a similar way you cannot pour water into a full glass of
water because there is no available capacity.
Or if someone who had never seen email wanted to know what it
Is, I would say that it is like instantly sending a letter from
your computer to their computer without needing to find a stamp
or a mailbox.
In the opening story above about Linda walking across the foot
bridge I am metaphorically talking about how to bridge the
divide that can exist between people when there is a lack of
understanding. i.e. you need a strategy.
So a metaphor is just a story or a colorful example of how
something not understood is actually similar to something which
is already understood.
48
How do we construct metaphors? it is really easy once you know
how.
Steps to constructing a metaphor:
1 Think about what is not understood
2 Ask yourself: what is it like?
3 Choose something that is readily understood: how is this like
that topic that is not understood?
4 Tell the person how something very easy to understand is
similar to what you are trying to explain to them.
Let us run through this process using the email example above:
1 The person does not know what email is
2 Email is kind of like sending a letter
3 Everyone knows what a letter is so a letter metaphor is a
good choice. Email is like a letter in that it is composed of
readable text. It also has the advantage of speed and does not
require a stamp.
4 Tell the person: An email it is like instantly sending a
letter from your computer to their computer without needing to
find a stamp or a mailbox.
You will know when you have picked a good metaphor because your
listener will all of a sudden grasp what you mean and the cloud
of confusion will disappear.
Now go forth into the world like a bat out of hell to magically
transform confusion into understanding like a modern day Merlin!
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
1 Notice the metaphors commonly used in your company. Are they
based on warfare, sport or maybe politics?
2 Adopt the metaphors of you immediate superiors and start
speaking their language. This will allow you to build closer
49
rapport with these people.
3 Whenever you are speaking to a coworker or friend who gets
confused remember to use a metaphor instead of repeating what
he does not grasp and causing him to get frustrated.
Is there someone you usually confuse? Use a metaphor next time!
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Coffee and Congruence...1,2,3
She sipped her coffee. She was still confused. Karen had read
all the success books, attended several management development
seminars and still she did not seem to get it. Whatever
*it* was.
She felt like all the information was in her head only it
seemed not to be there when she needed it.
All she wanted was to be able to communicate better and to
have people really listen to her when she spoke.
Karen was tired of having to repeat herself because others did
not pay attention to her, and she was fed up with not being able
to really connect with other people. Sometimes she did connect
and sometimes she did not - it all seemed so random.
The coffee was going cold while Karen stared out the window of
the cafe. It was entertaining watching the people of the city
rushing around from place to place. Everyone seemed to be in a
hurry to do something very important. The only sound was the
hum of traffic outside and the chatter of other people in the
cafe
Even though she knew it was the wrong thing to do Karen could
not help overhearing the conversation of the people at the next
table. The three college students were having a noisy
conversation about the weekend sports game. One said the Boston
team was a sure thing to win while the other two favored
Chicago.
Karen had never been that interested in soccer so she decided to
run an experiment. She reasoned that she could ignore the words
being spoken by the three students and instead pay attention to
HOW they expressed themselves. Maybe she would pick up a few
50
pointers.
Ten minutes into the experiment, Karen could see as clear as day
what she had missed in her many books and classes. She had not
paid attention to the most important 93 per cent of
communication - body language and voice tone. And even more
importantly she had completely forgotten about congruence.
Congruence, she now recalled, meant that your words, voice tone
and body language must all be in agreement if you are to speak
with impact.
At the other table only the Boston fan had real congruence and
the other two listened intently to everything he said - it gave
his words power and significance. He spoke with enthusiasm, he
moved his body energetically and his voice was dynamic and
resonant.
This was so different to his friends. They both spoke using
words of passion about Chicago but they sat slumped in their
chairs and their voices sounded tired and listless. It was an
effort even listening to them.
Karen felt elated, she finished her coffee and walked out into
the rushing crowd. She had cracked the secret code that all
persuasive people know and use in their dealings with people. It
all seemed so obvious once you knew the secret.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
1 When you are out and about during your day remember to check
yourself for congruence. I do this by thinking 1,2,3 - body
language, voice tone and words. Check regularly that all are in
agreement.
If you get into the habit of just observing yourself,without criticizing
your performance, you will naturally over time correct your approach.
2 Notice the difference between people at work who communicate
with impact and those who do not. Who is congruent and who is
not?
3 Make it your goal to be congruent in all that you say AND in
all that you do.
51
Before long you will become more congruent in your communication
and people will pay more attention to you when you speak. They
will also find you more persuasive. Knowing that you are having
a greater impact you will then become even more confident.
1,2,3 !
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Lesson 10 - Communication Expert Speaks Out
Over the last 20 days we have covered a lot of material and you
now have lots of techniques to practice and new ways of dealing
with people.
Just for today I would like to change the pace to give you a
very brief break from learning new techniques. Today you will
learn a new way of looking at the emotional aspects of
communication.
I have a very special treat in store for you. I managed
to track down and interview someone with a wealth of experience
in the personal growth world. A true expert in interpersonal
communication.
Read on to meet John Barker!
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Communication Expert Speaks Out
John Barker is a professional coach and author with a Bachelor
of Arts degree in Communication Arts and Sciences. Look! He
even served in the White House where he worked with the White
House Communications Agency.
When you want to learn what works best it pays to talk to the
best!
When I interviewed John Barker we discussed communication
and uncovered some valuable insights that you can immediately
apply to make measurable improvements in your business life.
You will learn some great new ways to create a better
impression at work.
52
PETER:
1 Nowadays more and more people are learning how to let go of
limiting feelings to improve the quality of their lives. When
it comes to communicating effectively with other people what
are the main barriers to effective and purposeful
communication, and how can we let go of these limitations?
JOHN:
The barriers vary from person to person, however, the most
common one I encounter in working with people is the desire to
change others to fit our expectations.
There are many paths to the same destination; if we release our
desires we open up an infinite number of possibilities. So long
as we agree on the destination we want - the feeling we want "the how" doesn't matter.
Any time we feel we want to change someone or something, this is
a time when we can recognize and release our desire for
control.
The other part of this, is that very often we are re-living past
conversations. If we have had a conflict with someone in the
past; if we hold onto that feeling we bring it to the new
conversation.
We brace our self for dealing with the inevitable confrontation
and we don't really hear what is being said in the moment. This
is why it is so important and valuable to be able to release
things as they come up.
PETER:
2 Very often in life we know what to say and yet get tongue tied
and fail to follow through when the pressure is on. What is the
answer to this common challenge?
JOHN:
We become tongue-tied or freeze up due to our attachment to the
outcome. There IS no pressure, only attachment to feelings and
53
outcomes. By releasing on our attachment to the outcome and
welcoming the experience as it occurs, we free ourselves to
experience the moment effortlessly. This experience allows us to
perform at our best.
And, if a person does feel anxiety, stress or self-consciousness
in a situation like this, trying to make the feeling go away
only makes it stronger. I often use the analogy of a big
brother picking on a younger sibling.
Why does he do this? To get a reaction. The bigger and better
the reaction, the more we encourage it. But if we welcome what
is going on, he gives up. It is not as much fun as getting the
reaction! And, he goes away.
The same is true of the feelings we want to go away. If we
welcome them and allow them to be, it is amazing how quickly
that feeling will dissolve and be replaced with a feeling of
peace and calm.
And, sometimes we can even smile or laugh at ourselves about it
because it is such a relief to just allow ourselves to be how
we are.
PETER:
3 Dealing with difficult people can really stretch our patience
and verbal flexibility. What are your top tips for handling
these situations?
JOHN:
Release! Release! Release!
It is important to remain aware of, and release, our desire for
security, approval and control as these feelings arise in our
consciousness. It can also be important to recognize the other
person's need for security, approval and control as well.
Understanding allows compassion.
I know I've wasted a lot of energy in my life trying to change
other people! It's an impossible job, really. And, it is
amazing how often, when we stop resisting how people are, they
just magically seem to make those changes we wanted in the
first place.
54
PETER:
4 In the mad rush to get ahead very often the most important
people in our lives don´t always get our full attention. How
can we make sure we really listen and value the little time we
do have with family and friends?
JOHN:
This is a real key question for many of us. I think many of us
focus on allowing new things into our life; more money, more
romance, more fun, more friends. But I think it's equally
important for us to recognize what we allow into our life that
prevents us from having the time we desire for the people we
value most.
Ultimately, each of us must look at our motivations for engaging
in the "mad rush to get ahead". We each learn models of being in
order to create results and we conform to them out of our
desire for approval.
But, I think we all know people who work hard and never get
head. So is working hard the answer?
Having anything you desire truly is effortless, when you release
it. For me, releasing creates so many opportunities and
alternatives. When I let go, I let go of lack and limitation.
In its place abundance appears.
My favorite quote from Lester Levenson is "Any complexity in
life is the ego trying to undo the simplicity of reality." Lack
is a creation, a mental concept. Whether that lack be time,
money, love, or whatever. Lack is a problem we have created,
like all problems.
Editor´s note: Lester Levenson was the millionaire business man
who developed a way to release or let go of our self imposed
limitations. http://www.workwealth.com/newbieguide.htm
PETER:
5 In the workplace how we express ourselves has a major impact
on how we are perceived by our peers. How can we communicate in
55
a way that creates a favorable impression that reflects our
contribution to the business?
JOHN:
If our ultimate goal is "Happiness without sorrow", then I
think we first need to release on our desire for creating that
"favorable impression". At best, that is only a guess regarding
what the other person might want. And, it creates a limitation
for us that restricts our energy, our best ideas, and the real
contribution we can be to the business.
Early in my career, seeking to be a "people pleaser" was one of
my biggest blocks. Learning to let go of wanting my peer's
approval has freed me to put forth my ideas - both "good" and
"bad". And, sometimes those "bad" ideas serve to ignite great
ones. It also lead me out of situations and work that were not
necessarily the best match for who I am.
Second, releasing on our desire for control and security allows
us to stay open to the ideas and input of others. When we do
this, we expand our consciousness to include not just our own
thoughts, but we also gain incredible leverage from the ideas of
others.
Even people who challenge us can become allies, especially when
we recognize why they challenge us. These challenges are a real
asset when we recognize they are highlighting our blocks to
real growth.
On this note, sometimes our greatest contribution to a business
can be our ability to make others feel comfortable by creating
an environment they can thrive in. Some people might call a
person able to do this a leader.
So often, the workplace is a breeding ground for fear,
competition and insecurities. If this ever brings out the best
in people, it is short-term. Sooner or later, people burn out
in these conditions. Releasing these limiting feelings
increases productivity and positive results throughout
a business in countless ways.
PETER:
Thank you very much John for taking the time to answer my
56
questions today. You offered some great insights and novel ways
of dealing with challenging people situations.
John:
You are very welcome Peter. I hope your readers find what I
had to say of interest.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
1 Today is a rest day for you. If you have been doing the
Action Steps so far then you have been very busy. Sit back and
pat yourself on the back before the next set of lessons and
exercises.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----An Unadvertised Bonus Book For You!
Today I want to let you know about a great book that will help
you to focus your mind on making more money at work.
I have read more books than you can imagine on how to direct
your thinking so as to earn more money. Each one helped a little
only it cost me lots of time and money to find and buy each one.
If only I had known about the book at this site earlier. Even
so it was only after 15 months surfing for some good material
that I found this book.
The book is free and there is also a lively discussion board at
the site which I recommend.
Don´t be misled into thinking the book is not worth reading just
because it does not come with a hefty price tag. The book was
written many years ago so it does not have a book publisher
pushing it. If it was I would not be surprised to see a price
of $29 for an online copy. As a result you are getting a real
bargain.
As you develop confidence and advanced communication skills
and you continue to perform your job to a high standard there is
57
only one ingredient missing.
Which ingredient? The ability to expand your thinking and
condition your mind to earn more money. This book will fill the
gap as long as you read AND apply it.
Get the book here while it is still available:
http://www.1shoppingcart.com/app/aftrack.asp?afid=75934
P.S. I know the URL looks a little strange. Nevertheless it is
a free book.
http://www.1shoppingcart.com/app/aftrack.asp?afid=75934
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Lesson 11 - Dealing with Mr.FastTalker
Today is a little unusual as I deal with how to deal with
people who take control of conversations through their
enthusiasm and verbal skills. People who become overbearing and
irritating to deal with.
You and I need to always be aware of the effect our communication
is having on the other person.
If you are making someone feel pressured, uncomfortable or just
tired of dealing with you then you have a major challenge.
You must at once change your approach and back off to let your
listener get more involved in the conversation. And you need to
get better at spotting when you lose rapport so that you can
adjust your approach to suit the person you are with.
Corporate leaders take time to see what the effect their words
are having on their staff. Every good leader realizes the
importance of being flexible in how he communicates and will
have the skills to change his or her approach at a moments
notice.
Read on to learn how to deal with overbearing people!
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-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Dealing with Mr.FastTalker
Do you ever find yourself in situations where you feel
overwhelmed by the person who is speaking to you? It is as if
their energy and enthusiasm takes over and you just cannot
seem to think for yourself. For a moment you are lost in a blur
of their words.
The worst part is the fact that you cannot seem to regain
composure or even assert your own opinion. What is the solution?
How to assert yourself in the face of a wave of charisma:
1 Break Rapport
What? Yes, break rapport but do so gently by adjusting your
posture and by changing your rate of breathing. Mr.FastTalker
has you locked into deep rapport with his every word and every
movement.
Until you regain your own pace, your own natural breathing
rhythm and your own posture you will be subject to his lead.
Notice how you feel in your body, put some of your attention
back onto yourself. Only then will you be able to think for
yourself and to form your own opinions.
Stand up, sit down, move around. Do something to break out of
the pattern you are locked into.
2 Filter The Words
Once you have regained a sense of how you feel and think in the
present moment it is time to filter the words that Mr.FastTalker
speaks so eloquently. A filter will help you to maintain this
sense of self and the ability to think for yourself.
A visual filter is easiest for some people. Imagine a wall in
the air between you and him, a wall that filters the words so
that you only hear the words without feeling drawn into his
world.
Other people prefer a auditory filter. Imagine that your ears
can be tuned in like a radio. You only hear the words not the
way the words are manipulated to effect your emotions.
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Choose a filter that appeals to you and use it to help you think
independently so that you can evaluate what you are listening
to.
Why does this work? By using your imagination in this way, you
are using the power of your right brain to help you get what you
want.
Although using your imagination in this way sounds unusual it
does work. Test this out for yourself.
3 Take Back Time
Take time out from the onslaught. Either ask directly for time
to consider what is being said or occasionally repeat back what
he is saying in your own words.
By paraphrasing his words you will regain control of the flow
of the conversation. You will also be showing that you are
listening and understanding what is being discussed.
It is simple at this point to take charge by asking questions.
Whoever is asking the questions is generally in charge of the
conversation so use this skill to assert your authority. Then
use this time to decide what *you* think.
Mr.FastTalker can easily take charge unless you understand how
to regain composure. Break rapport, filter his words and take
time to formulate your own opinions.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
1 Take a moment to consider those people at work who are the
best candidates to be the Mr.FastTalker in your office.
Practice these strategies with one of these individuals each
day for the next week.
2 Think for a minute about people at work you have difficulty
getting rapport with. Could you be Mr.FastTalker for someone
else? What a horrible thought! It could be true however.
Either figure out how you lose rapport with these individuals
or ask them one at a time. Adjust your communication
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accordingly for each of these people.
3 Observe other people when they lose rapport and for each case
brainstorm ways the situation could be rescued. Make it a goal
to spot the very moment when rapport is lost.
It is like when a musician hits a wrong note or a dancer makes
a wrong move. The flow is lost. Once you can spot these turning
points you will be ready to adjust your approach in your own
dialogues before the situation slips out of control.
One key characteristic of the best CEO´s I have worked with is
this sensitivity to how other people are reacting to their
communication. You too will develop this skill as long as you
commit to becoming more observant to the flow of rapport each
day.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Lesson 12 - The Self Appreciation Enhancer
Today we look at ensuring that you feel fantastic. Unless you
feel good it is nearly impossible to make others feel good.
Charisma is all about infecting people with your charm, energy
and presence. This is only achievable when you do not seek
approval for who you are when you talk to other people.
P.S. Today is a double lesson bonus day!
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----The Self Appreciation Enhancer
Do you like receiving compliments? So do I! And when someone
does pay you a compliment do you enjoy that wonderful glow that
only comes with feeling appreciated and valued by another
person?
Very often when you are talking to people what you really want
deep down is to feel significant, liked and important.
Consequently you watch what you are saying and are careful not
to say the wrong thing. This in turn can mean that the way you
express yourself is stifled and constricted.
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What if there was a better way? What if you could feel better
about yourself and at the same time express yourself with
greater freedom?
What you need is the Self Appreciation Enhancer!
All you need to get started is a mirror, some memories and a
few minutes.
The Self Appreciation Enhancer:
1 Wear clothes that make you feel good about yourself
2 Stand in front of a full length mirror
3 Close your eyes and go back in time to an occasion when
someone paid you a compliment. Recall what this person said and
hear the words in your ears. See what you were seeing at the
time and notice how you felt. Imagine that you are stepping
back into that experience.
Now imagine another person at another time praising your work
and your contribution to the team. Bask in the glory!
Make the pictures big, bright and colorful. Imagine them as
real as possible.
Imagine someone else telling you how much they value you. And
hear all this praise loud and clear. Turn up the volume in your
imagination and enjoy every moment of it.
Imagine the sounds full, resonant, loud and as real as you can.
Remember to choose people whose approval matters to you.
Next, imagine the entire company standing before you with every
single person cheering and applauding you.
As the feelings of appreciation and the sense of being valued
build - open your eyes and look yourself in the eye in the
mirror with a huge grin on your face as you bask in these
pleasurable feelings.
As soon as the feelings begin to fade close your eyes.
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By using this approach you can quickly feel great about
yourself and as a result you will express yourself with more
confidence and with less concern for the approval of others.
As a result you will come across as happy, powerful and
confident. These feelings will transfer to whoever is dealing
with you. You will then perform better at work because you feel
so good and because people will enjoy working with you. You
will have coworkers eager to help you and happy to follow your
lead.
When would this process be most useful to you?
* Anytime you are not feeling good about yourself
* before an important meeting
* in preparation for a job interview
* after getting severely criticized for your abilities or
actions
Go on, give it a go and enjoy feeling deeply appreciated and
valued.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Step For Your Success
1 Use The Self Appreciation Enhancer at least once a day for
the next 30 days.
Why? To create a new pattern of high self esteem in your brain.
2 Analyze your typical work week. In which situations and with
which people do you tend to feel unsure of yourself despite
your abilities?
3 Anchor the high self esteem you generate using The Self
Appreciation Enhancer and mentally rehearse those situations
you identified in step two above while firing your anchor.
This will set up a new stimulus response pattern and transform
how you feel in these challenging situations.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----High Octane Affirmations
63
Affirmations are often suggested as a means of changing how you
feel and yet many people use them and get very little benefit
from all the time spent repeating a short positive phrase.
You can use this approach to prepare for a business or social
situation where you usually feel tense, shy or unsure of
yourself but only if you supercharge your affirmations.
Three Secrets to Effective Affirmations:
1 Drive your Physiology - by this I mean get yourself into a
dynamic state of mind by moving your body energetically.
I find walking quickly, cycling or jumping around the house
while listening to loud music, all very effective for me!
You could also stretch at your desk or take a fast walk around
the building you work in.
When you feel energized you will put more enthusiasm and
emotion into your affirmations and you will make a greater
impression on your mind.
Then say your short positive statement out loud if it is
appropriate otherwise shout it out inside your head where only
you can hear it.
2 Create short statements
These statements will describe how you want to be and it is
best to state these attributes in the present tense as if it is
already true.
For example, *I am confident and appreciated by all!*
Instead of... *I want to have more confidence someday only
I do not know when that is likely to be because I have a few
problems to deal with right now.*
When you say your affirmation, assume it is already true and
express this feeling as you repeat the phrase. This way you are
programming your brain to find a way for you to achieve your
goal.
3 Use the Ultimate Affirmation
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The ultimate affirmation is ideal for anyone who wants to
communicate at their best under pressure. Here it is...
I love myself!
I know this seems a bit far out. Let me explain. Let us pretend,
just for a moment, that you completely love yourself 100 per
cent.
So this would mean you fully accept all aspects of yourself,
your body, your bad habits, your personal limitations etc.
If this was the case, the opinion of other people would be
totally irrelevant. You would then have no barriers to speaking
at your best.
At first repeating * I love myself!* is likely to cause you to
feel awkward, embarrassed or just plain silly. If that happens
you will know that you are on the right track because that is
evidence that you are challenging limiting beliefs you already
have about your value as a person.
For the more adventurous, try this in front of a mirror. It
freaked me out the first time I did it. Although I soon got the
hang of it.
Why am I offering two completely different ways to boost your
self esteem? For me, I like to have a range of ways to change
how I feel, then in different situations I can follow my
intuition and draw on the most appropriate resource.
This is only feasible though when you have mastered all the
available options. So, I recommend playing with all the tools
to find which ones you like the most.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
1 Write down the kind of person you need to become to meet all
your career goals. Take a few pages to really describe in
detail how you would look, sound and behave at work.
2 Create a short affirmation that sums up how you want to be.
For example your career goals might be summed up by any one of
these affirmations:
65
- I am a persuasive, charming and likeable accountant
- I am becoming the most dynamic speaker in the office
- Everyday my ability to get rapport with customers gets even
better
- I am confident and persuasive when I deal with my boss
3 Drive your physiology during your workday everyday to boost
your energy. You could do this when you need a break from using
the phone or to get a rest from staring at your screen.
When appropriate say your career goal affirmation to keep you
on track. It should serve as a reminder to give 100% so as to
reach the top of your profession.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Lesson 13 - The Listening Pause
In the movie, Man On The Moon, Andy Kaufman asks his guru, “what
is the secret to being funny?” The answer is -- silence!
Silence is also a useful ally when you want to become a highly
skilled communicator.
When you use silence effectively in a dialogue it can be a
powerful way to demonstrate you really care about hearing what
the other person is saying.
I used to work with a wealthy I.T. industry executive who was a
true master of the attitude we are covering today. He had a
knack for making you feel really important and appreciated.
People loved working for him and as a result he managed a very
productive and dedicated workforce. So you see charisma pays
off!
Another time I was talking to a top sales person and he taught
me the same principle. Read on to learn the secret.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>-----
66
The Listening Pause
A number of years ago I was talking to one of the salespeople in
the office. He had returned after an intensive sales course,
which was highly rated in the company.
Since Chris was not only a very experienced but also a very
successful salesman I was keen to ask him his opinion of the
training. For Chris much of the material was just more of the
same but still a good refresher of the basics.
Then I asked him what was the most powerful distinction that he
learned. Chris paused, and sat back in his chair before
answering.
Then he told me that he had learned today that for some time he
had not really been listening to his customers. Instead when
someone else is talking he is planning what he wants to say
next so listening time was not been used to pay attention to
the other person.
As Chris explained this, I realized that I was habitually doing
the same thing! So I was keen to learn the solution. There are
two keys.
Firstly when someone else is talking decide to give him or her
your complete attention, when you drift, remind yourself to
listen and to put your attention back on the speaker.
This very simple decision to pay attention will cause you to
listen more. Most of the time we are on autopilot and do not
even notice that we have not decided if we want to listen, will
listen or even care if we listen. At the beginning of the
conversation decide to listen more and you will.
Secondly, when someone sounds like they are about to finish what
they are saying - allow a pause before you start talking. Not
only does this allow you to let their words sink in, it also
allows you to make sure they really are finished!
This builds rapport very quickly as few people are really good
listeners. With practice you will discover how much of a pause
works best for different people.
Most people jump in too soon and the other person does not feel
that the person cares enough to really give them their undivided
attention. Not listening effectively leads to mix ups and
67
tension.
Think of your closest friends, I am sure you go nuts if they do
not listen to what you say!
Play with these ideas and notice the difference in how people
respond to you. Hear what I am saying?
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
1 Introduce a listening pause to all of your conversations both
at home and at work. Resist the temptation to jump in even with
those people who speak really, really slowly!
2 Compare the people you listen to with those you find harder
to pay attention to.
Once you eliminate the cases where the subject matter is of no
interest - what is it that makes you pay attention sometimes
and get bored with other colleagues?
It will be either the way they speak or the way you listen. You
need to discover the answer for yourself.
3 Introduce a speaking pause with those people who do not
listen to you! Encourage them to slow down to listen more
carefully.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Lesson 14 - The Power of Perspective
One of my corporate mentors was great at seeing things from
other peoples point of view. We would have meetings where we
would brainstorm all the different perceptions we could expect
people to filter our presentation from.
He was not satisfied until we really could say that we had
covered and addressed every likely objection to our proposals.
When he was given the responsibility to manage the acquisition
of a local competitor he relied heavily on this ability to walk
in another mans shoes. Otherwise the integration of staff and
customers into a new and bigger corporate structure would have
been a nightmare.
68
As it was, he handled the project very skillfully because of
his ability to plan, control and manage people without ever
neglecting the importance of perspective.
Having perspective allows you to adjust your approach so as to
be at your charismatic best for different situations and
people.
Read on to learn how to do it.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----The Power of Perspective
You limit yourself. Yes, it is true. Each day you behave in
much the same way as you have always done. You act out your
habitual ways of dealing with people, and you communicate as
well or as badly as you normally do.
Although you know better, you do not apply all that you have
learned when it comes to making the most of yourself. If this is
true for you, then how are you going to improve?
Awareness is key. Until you spot what you are doing you will
not know where to make changes to how you talk to people. How
can you change what needs to be improved if you do not see it
yourself?
There is a very simple way to generate awareness of how you
behave with other people. A way to develop perspective that is
not clouded by your biased perceptions.
Three Steps to Powerful Perspective:
1 Be a neutral observer
Choose a recent conversation you had at work which did not go
as well as you would have liked. Next, pretend for a moment
that you are a neutral observer of the conversation. In your
imagination go back in time to that incident and see yourself
talking to that other person. Picture the surroundings, hear
the sounds and feel the atmosphere of the place.
69
Then run through the entire conversation again, only this time
imagine that you are the neutral observer. See yourself and the
other person talking and listening to each other and notice the
dynamics of the conversation. Pay special attention to the non
verbal reactions.
By doing this you will be gathering a lot of information that
will be helpful in noticing what works and what does not work in
your communication.
2 Be the other person
Revisit the conversation again only this time cycle through it
as if you were the other person. Imagine what it was like to be
there looking at you and listening to you. You are now walking
in their shoes so as to get a close up look at what it is like
to deal with you.
You may find that you spot the reasons why the conversation did
not go as well as you would have liked.
3 Ask yourself - how did I create the result I achieved?
In this stage of the process you put the responsibility on your
shoulders alone for the outcome of the conversation. Blaming
others will not help you to think creatively for solutions and
ways to better your conversational skills.
Revisit that conversation one more time as the neutral observer
and one time as the other person. In each case look for the
answer to the question: how did I get this result? Then ask
yourself: what could I do differently to get what I really want?
You will discover ways to change your approach that can
dramatically improve how you communicate when it matters most.
By using this approach I often spot opportunities to use more
emphasis on key points and the value of being enthusiastic when
I want someone to consider my opinion. At other times I notice
that I could listen more carefully instead of just getting
carried away with my own agenda.
Play with this way of developing perspective for yourself and
have fun spotting all the little differences that add up to a
70
big difference in your ability to speak with impact.
Remember too that you can use this approach to plan for
meetings and situations when you need to do well.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
When you are part of the problem it can be very difficult to
see a solution. What you need at times like this is a
helicopter!
1 Imagine you are in a helicopter flying high above the town
you live in. Now travel to where you last had a dispute with a
family member, friend or work mate.
2 From the safety and distance of the helicopter above rerun
the last conversation when the trouble flared up. Watch the
scene unfold and pay attention to how you communicated rather
than who was in the right.
3 Ask yourself:
-- how could you have handled the situation better?
-- what could you have done differently?
-- what is the solution to the problem?
Your goal is to be emotionally detached yet concerned with
finding the best solution in the same way you help a friend with
a problem.
4 Imagine a trusted friend is in the helicopter observing:
-- what advice would your friend give you?
-- what does your friend notice that you missed?
Your own private helicopter can be used to identify patterns of
communication you have that land you in hot water as well as
new ways of dealing with problems.
Have fun in the sky!
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>-----
71
Lesson 15 - Letting go of wanting your own approval
Charisma is a force that you exude that attracts other people
to you in a way that causes them to respond positively to your
message.
Whatever you give out will come back to you. Give out
enthusiasm and people will be more likely to be enthusiastic
around you. However if you are fearful, insecure or needing to
be liked then you will repel people.
It is like the old line -- if you need money the bank will not
lend it to you. Whereas if you do not need cash the bank
manager will go out of his way to help! Why? Because your
feelings of security or insecurity make the bank manger feel
the same way about giving you money.
Likewise it is essential that you do not exude wanting approval
when you deal with people or you will effectively shut down
your ability to be charismatic.
Today we cover this important topic and reveal the answer as
developed by Lester Levenson, the multimillionaire who
discovered the solution.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Letting go of wanting your own approval
It is easy to see how important it is to be approved by those
people who matter most to you in your life. You want your boss
and your colleagues to like you. You count on them for support
and encouragement and their approval of who you are and what
you do is deeply significant.
Ever had a time in your life when those closest to you
disapproved of your behavior? It is very uncomfortable is it
not?
In a moment, peace of mind can vanish in a puff of smoke and you
crave approval more than anything else. This time in the
wilderness seems to last forever and when it is finally over the
newly earned approval of your peers feels just great.
This wanting approval can get out of control though. We can
72
easily extend this need for approval to all people we come into
contact with in our life.
When we want and need approval we encounter this lack of
approval everywhere we go; the waiter does not smile when he
takes your order; the checkout operator hardly looks at you;
and your boss only compliments your work when the moon is full
and the first Tuesday of the month precedes a wet weekend!
All of a sudden life is a struggle, a constant battle to get
other people, all people, to like you and to approve of you.
And the more you want this approval the less you seem to get it.
What is the solution? The answer is to not be concerned about
what other people think of you. This can be achieved by
approving of yourself completely despite your past
indiscretions, failings and errors of judgment.
When you totally accept and approve of yourself you will have
little interest in how other people view you. If they like you
*Great*, if they do not, that is their choice and their loss.
There are many ways to boost your opinion of yourself. One of
the best ways is to let go of wanting your own approval. It
works really well. Simply ask yourself the following question:
Could I let go of wanting my own approval?
Sounds too simple to work. I know! It works if and only if you
ask the question with your attention on your feeling response
not on the answer that pops into your head. Our goal is to let
go of the limiting feelings, this is not a mental exercise.
Spend twenty minutes concentrating on this question. Ask the
question again and again, and each time just notice your feeling
response before asking the question again.
After twenty minutes you can expect to feel lighter and more at
peace with yourself. Your breathing may also change and it is
likely to become deeper and more relaxed.
The effect of letting go of wanting your approval is that you
release the limitations that stop you from approving of yourself
and you are left with what you wanted - your own approval.
You can also ask yourself the question, could I let go of
wanting my own approval?... anytime you need to communicate at
73
your best to make a good impression. Just say it softly to
yourself under your breath or quietly inside your head. Ask the
question, notice your feeling response, and repeat the process
again and again.
By approving completely of yourself you will not be concerned
with winning the approval of your listeners and ironically
people will tend to reflect this approval back to you since they
will take you at your own value.
Now, go and prove this for yourself!
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
1 Spend some quite time each day letting go of wanting your own
approval. I know this is an unusual approach however the more
you use it the easier it gets and the faster the results come.
2 Consider who the people are at work whose approval you want
the most. Make a list and include those who decide your career
future.
3 One person at a time. Picture the person and ask yourself:
could I let go of wanting his/her approval?
Notice the feelings that come up and answer the question. The
answer does not matter, what matters is feeling the feelings
and allowing them to go.
I recommend allowing twenty minutes per person every week. The
result will be that you will be more at ease with these
individuals and your natural personality and charisma will
express itself.
P.S. You can find out more about releasing and letting go
of wanting approval here:
http://www.workwealth.com/newbieguide.htm
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>-----
74
Lesson 16 - Shifting Focus, the 3 Keys
Ask any top executive and he will tell you that stress is
inevitable. As you earn more money there is more at stake and
more is expected of you.
You cannot eliminate stressful situations and deadlines however
you can learn how to take charge of your mind so that stress no
longer impedes your ability to be at your best.
So many people know how to communicate well only they fall to
pieces once the pressure is on. The charismatic leader performs
well under pressure and you need to as well.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Shifting Focus, the 3 Keys
Shifting focus is easy when you know how and the importance of
this came home to me a number of years ago. Through a friend I
met a man who had his own successful training business. He
conducted corporate training events with an emphasis on
teamwork.
Not only was he doing well financially he also seemed to be
really enjoying his work.
I asked if I could meet up with him to learn how he had
achieved his success. I was very pleased when he agreed to my
unusual request.
After talking for over two hours he said something that
really struck me as important. What he said is mentioned in
many books on success and achievement but rarely is it
explained in simple words that you can understand right away
and act upon.
Here is what he said when I asked him how he handles the
pressure and stress of his work. He told me that stress is what
you feel when you are focusing on the wrong things! Whenever he
catches himself doing this he simply switches his focus away
from what was making him feel stressed and back to his goal.
The Three Keys To Shifting Focus:
75
1 Stress is a Signal
When you are speaking in a group situation and you feel stress
remember that it is o.k. to feel tense and remind yourself that
this tension is a signal to switch your focus. Often it means
you are focused on problems, obstacles and worries.
Use stress to get you where you want to go rather than seeing it
as a major hurdle. It can seem like an irritation that never
goes away and always turns up when you least want it. However
stress can help you if you decide to treat it as a signal to
change your approach.
2 Switch Focus by shifting your attention
First of all notice what you are currently focused on.
Very often you will be paying attention to those nerves you are
feeling and your dry mouth even as you hope that nobody else
notices how tense you are! i.e. you are focusing on what you do
not want. Maybe you are looking at someone in the audience who
seems disinterested in what you are saying
Next decide what to focus on instead.
What is your goal? If it is to speak with clarity and impact,
pay more attention to that by perhaps speaking more slowly and
with more emphasis. If your goal is to involve the audience ask
some questions to get them involved.
If you focus on what you want to achieve when you are expressing
yourself it is also easier to pick up on feedback from your
audience because you will be paying more attention to their
reactions. This in turn allows you to adjust your approach to
ensure that you are making the best possible impression.
You can define your focus by asking yourself - what exactly do
I want? Then act on this goal immediately. If you answered I
want to feel more relaxed, you could deliberately take some
deep breaths. If you want your mouth to be more comfortable,
you could ask for a glass of water.
3 Fire Your Anchor
Unless you shift focus off of what you do not want you can
76
easily forget about the resources you already have at your
disposal. By far the quickest way to shift focus is to fire an
anchor. Then from this empowered state ask yourself: what is my
goal?
Here is your assignment for today should you choose to accept
it! Go back to lesson 5 on anchoring. Then set up
the most powerful anchor you have ever created, now intensify
the feeling by a factor of ten.
Equipped with this resource you will laugh at stress the next
time it rears its ugly head!
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
1 Get into the habit of using stress as a signal. Jot down the
situations that stress you in a typical week at work.
Notice what you expect to happen in these situations. Does part
of you expect failure, problems and setbacks?
2 Then ask yourself -- what exactly do I want?
Focus on solutions not problems by deciding to picture the
desired end result and keeping this in mind even when there are
problems.
When you do this you will be more optimistic, energetic and
dynamic. All of these traits will help you to achieve your
goals.
3 Expect to face challenges and prepare thoroughly beforehand.
Corporate leaders spend a lot of time in preparation for key
meetings and negotiations by considering all that can go wrong
and then finding ways to deal with each issue that could affect
their outcome.
Use mental rehearsal, anchoring and all the other advanced
communication skills you have learned daily.
Under stress your behavior will revert to your training. Make
sure you have trained yourself to a level of excellence by
using all that we are covering in these lessons.
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-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Lesson 17 - Magnificent Meetings: 5 Tips for Success
Today we look at how to ensure you perform at your absolute
best in meetings. A number of years ago I used to report
directly to a senior executive who embodies every single one of
these principles which I cover below.
Attending meetings with him at a customer site was pure
entertainment. He was a true professional and he made it all
look so, so easy.
And it is as long as you put the work in BEFORE the meeting. He
never failed to do the groundwork and he was never satisfied
until every minor detail was covered.
Read on to learn the essential principles you must live by to
be at your charismatic best in meetings.
P.S. Today is a double lesson bonus day!
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Magnificent Meetings: 5 Tips for Success
It is already marked in your diary in red ink - MEETING. You
wish you could skip it because you have so much work to do.
Deep down though there is another reason you would like to
avoid the meeting - what if a colleague puts you on the spot
and you make a fool of yourself in front of everyone?
Meetings make you nervous and you never seem to make the
impression you would like to.
Your impact at meetings will determine in a major way how well
you do in your career. In other words you will rise as high as
your communication skills will let you.
Ability and competence in your position is expected - how well
you get your point across will make the difference between
your opinion being valued and your input getting forgotten one
more time.
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Look at any business leader, politician or community
spokesperson. What do they all have in common? The ability to
speak in a way that really gets people to listen even when
people may not agree with them.
What success tips can you learn from effective communicators
that are applicable to your occupation?
1 Prepare in advance for the meeting:
Make sure you are up to date with the subject matter and that
you have covered your area of responsibility. Your confidence
will grow when you can anticipate what will be discussed.
Walking into a meeting unprepared is an invitation for tense
moments and anxiety in case someone catches you out. Thorough
preparation is essential.
Anticipate objections and potential problems before they occur.
And devise at least three ways to handle each situation.
2 Rehearse what you will say:
In your mind run through possible scenarios with the people
attending the meeting. Picture yourself relaxed, confident and
even enjoying yourself as you make your voice heard.
See the others listening attentively to what you have to say
and valuing your opinion. Make the pictures lifelike with rich
color, sound and feelings.
I recommend doing this the evening before the meeting, when you
are relaxed, for at least 20 minutes.
3 Speak with enthusiasm:
Lead and people will follow, if you speak with energy and
enthusiasm everyone else will assume that they should be at
least interested in what you have to say.
If you are not enthusiastic about your work, at least speak
with energy by sitting up and speaking with emphasis on key
words. Watch politicians on T.V. to see how they stress their
point.
We hear a lot about mirroring when it comes to body language
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and communication however you need to go far beyond this. You
must get into the habit of leading so that others follow.
One of the best ways is to get into the emotional state you
want your listeners to be in. Get enthusiastic and that
emotional state will rub off on those listening.
However bear in mind that you need to be at level 10 to get
others to level 6. Ever notice how much TV talk show hosts
smile? They are driving the emotional states of their guests by
leading almost excessively in a way that cannot be ignored.
Practice this principle daily by leading instead of just
mirroring others. This is an essential skill.
4 Anticipate objections and be ready with your response:
What are the questions you really do not want to be asked? Work
out the best responses and rehearse how you will take charge of
the situation.
Then when the meeting takes place you will already know what to
say and can instead focus on listening to everyone else.
Work out in advance HOW you will respond to objections and not
just WHAT you will say. Make it your goal to be so well
prepared that nothing can faze you.
You can be cool under pressure as long as you do the necessary
preparation beforehand.
5 Exude Certainty:
Nobody wants to hear that you are not sure whether you can do
something. Be certain about what you can do, and be direct when
you need more information or more resources to get something
done.
Whenever you hear someone agonizing over whether something can
be done, notice the negative effect it has on those listening,
and remind yourself that you will not allow the same to happen
to you.
My magnificent meetings mentor always exuded certainty. How?
He got into the habit of adopting a physiology that exuded
confidence and certainty. He would never sit or stand in a
lifeless or passive way.
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He would act as if he could handle whatever happened and he
would always deliver. He taught me that you must always speak
AND act with certainty especially in key meetings.
This state of certainty is of course very contagious and it
quickly inspires your listeners to trust you.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
1 Pick a meeting or encounter and use the steps above to
prepare thoroughly.
2 Look for marginal improvements in your performance until you
get familiar with the process.
3 Once you are more comfortable with this material shoot for the stars
by demanding more of yourself. Pick a role model who you admire
and aim to match the abilities of that individual.
Analyze her strengths and use the techniques in this book to
change how you behave so as to emulate your role model.
Remember too to apply this strategy to prepare well for group situations
in your social life.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Dealing With Unwanted Advice
One great aspect of working in a company is the opportunity to
network and to get to know other people.
However just as you adjust to the friendly atmosphere you find
that people are starting to get a little too intrusive. Before
you know it your colleagues are up to date on your life and
feel ready to offer you advice and guidance. Not that you
necessarily asked for it!
If you cannot handle tricky situations such as these all your
efforts to build rapport and influence with coworkers could be
in jeopardy.
Three Tips For Dealing With Unwanted Advice:
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1 Recognize Positive Intentions:
Realize that your coworker is offering you advice because she
cares. And Yes, you can choose to distinguish between the
advice and the positive intentions of the giver.
Notice the look of genuine interest in her eyes as she speaks
to you about your life and what lays ahead. Appreciate that you
are important to her without feeling obliged to do what she
suggests.
2 Avoid Confrontation:
When you are offered poor advice or advice which goes against
your wishes it really helps if you just thank that coworker
from your department. There is no need to explain your top ten
reasons why her viewpoint is flawed and why his suggestions will
never work.
It is far better to change the subject than to create an
argument. If she persists with her advice, suggest that you get
back to her at a later date to let her know how things worked
out.
3 Express Appreciation:
Let your helpful colleague know that you appreciate her
input. You might even want to agree that she is correct in
her observations. Tell her that you value her interest in
you. You can still decide later on if you want to follow her
advice.
If you neglect this step, prepare to be pursued throughout the
office! Resisting her input will only encourage her to try even
harder to get you to see how right she really is.
Satisfy her need for approval and the friendly office
atmosphere will endure even in times of unwanted advice!
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
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1 Consider for a moment those people at work who give you
unwanted advice, unsolicited opinions or who are just a little
too interested in your life. Make a list.
2 Test the process above on one of these people and modify your
approach to suit your personality. Then use it with the rest of
the individuals on the list.
3 Stop! Do you give unwanted advice to others? If you do ask
those people if you are intruding and if there is a better way
for you to help them. You might be surprised by what you learn!
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Lesson 18 - Instant Relaxation Anytime Anywhere
In this course we have covered a wealth of strategies and
principles to empower you to communicate at your very best at
work.
It is up to you to use these strategies again and again until
they become second nature. You can have the charisma you want
as long as you commit to developing this latent ability.
However it is equally important that you can relax when the
pressure is on. Otherwise the way you communicate will be tense
and seem forced and this is no way to impress and influence
others.
Today we look at how to instantly relax when the pressure is
on. Join the ranks of the highly paid by performing well
instead of freezing when the pace picks up.
Read on to learn how.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Instant Relaxation Anytime Anywhere
If there was a way of relaxing quickly and easily in any
situation would you want to know what it is?
Ancient cultures knew this secret, followers of Hawaiian Huna
used it to access altered states. While martial artists used it
as a way to develop relaxed alertness, and today photoreaders
use it to relax before reading books at speeds of 25,000 words
per minute.
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What is the secret? It has to do with how you use your eyes!
Pick a spot on the wall straight ahead and a little above eye
level. Now continue to look at that spot with soft focus and
after a few moments you will notice that the room seems to
become fuzzy as you develop tunnel vision.
This tunnel vision goes hand in hand with the worry, stress and
anxiety you feel when you get fixated on getting what you want
when you are under pressure.
If only you could snap out of that tunnel vision when it clouds
your judgment then you could be more relaxed when you choose to
be. You can in a moment if you know how to access your
peripheral vision.
How to access your peripheral vision:
1 Pick a spot on the wall in front of you, slightly above eye
level
2 Extend your field of vision, little by little, to take in
more of what you can see to the left and right. Continue like
this until you are aware of what you can see out of the corner
of your eyes on either side.
3 Let your awareness go even further. Use your sense of space
to guide you all the way around behind you through 360 degrees.
When you stay in peripheral vision for a few minutes, you will
notice that your breathing tends to slow down and even become
deeper; the muscles of your face may have relaxed; and even the
rest of your body may feel heavier and more relaxed.
When you use your peripheral vision your nervous system seems
to automatically calm your body, mind and emotions.
4 Return to normal everyday awareness by letting your vision
return to normal.
When you are speaking to a group or even to a large audience,
accessing your peripheral vision is a valuable skill. It will
let you relax immediately while also allowing you to see your
entire audience and any small movements - consequently you can
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be more aware of reactions to your message.
Which do you prefer - tunnel vision with stress or peripheral
vision with relaxation. The choice is yours. To have a choice
when it matters you need to practice accessing your peripheral
vision at will.
Then the next time you feel anxious, scared or
tense in front of other people you will be able to quickly and
easily access your natural state of relaxation.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
1 Use this relaxation technique at least five times a day for
the next week. Your goal is to easily and effortlessly slip
into a state of relaxation whenever you need to.
2 Set up a relaxation anchor. I mention anchoring again here
because it is a priceless tool that you must master to truly
manage you emotional states.
3 Regard stressful situations as opportunities to grow.
Challenge yourself with relaxing in smaller less important
situations before moving up to the bigger events.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Lesson 19 - Persuasive Chunks
Having charisma without the ability to persuade is like having
a sports car with no fuel in the tank!
The very best communicators whether they be CEO´s,
entrepreneurs or public speakers know the importance of being
flexible in how you communicate with other people.
One size does not fit all.
Today we look at one key to adapting your approach to appeal to
different types of people. Persuasion is easy once you know
which buttons to press.
P.S. Today is a double lesson bonus day!
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----85
Persuasive Chunks
Today I want to cover how to explain your points in a way that
people can understand. This is particularly important when you
are speaking to a group. Even when talking to two or more people
at home or at work.
Even with sound logic you will still lose a lot of the audience
unless you explain yourself in a way they can easily and
immediately grasp. And when you speak their language you can be
much more persuasive.
In simple terms people process information in one of two
ways.
Some people pay attention to big chunks of information whereas
others need detailed specific information before they can fully
understand what you mean. Unless you appeal to both groups of
people most of your audience could be left staring at you in
utter confusion leaving you unable to persuade them of anything.
An example is in order. If I was explaining how email works to
a group I would first of all explain the big chunks that are
involved. I would mention computer hardware, software and
networks. Then I would explain how they connect to each other
to make email possible.
At this stage most of the big chunk people would be satisfied
but the small chunk people would be feeling frustrated. I would
then discuss gigabits, modem speeds and Internet email
standards to satisfy their need for more detailed information.
However I have now lost the attention of the big chunk crowd so
I would wrap up by summarizing it all in general terms.
When explaining concepts and opinions remember to hop from one
foot to the other as you appeal to both the small chunk and the
big chunk information processors in your audience.
You must ensure they continue to understand your message if you
are to persuade them.
Now over to you:
When you are talking to people notice how others explain
concepts to you. We all tend to explain in the way we like
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things explained rather than in the way the other person would
like something explained.
Listen to people talking and you will spot those who evaluate in
terms of big information chunks and those who prefer small
chunks.
Adapt your speech accordingly to keep their attention.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
1 Pick out those people at work that you have difficulty
persuading. Pay special attention to those individuals who
control resources you need to perform your job well.
2 Check that you are talking in the right chunk size for these
people.
3 Make sure you are appealing to their values. What is most
important to them? It might be friendliness, efficiency, speed,
success or even respect.
Ask them! And over time appeal to their values when you need
their buy in.
4 Watch other people dealing with these individuals you have
difficulty with. What can you learn from their approach? How is
it different to what you have been doing?
Adjust your approach accordingly.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----A Flexible Boy In The Suit Of A Man
Billy decided to try just one more time. He took a deep breath,
stood up as tall as he could and walked like a man across the
hotel lobby and up the stairs to the ballroom where the job fair
was buzzing with eager job seekers and cautious employers.
He could smell the summer heat as he entered the room and his
eyes slowly adjusted to the hazy light coming in through the
dusty large windows.
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He had got nowhere all morning, his new suit felt uncomfortable
and he really wanted to go home but the prospect of explaining
all of this to his parents was just too much. So that was the
reason he ventured back into the jaws of death only this time he
decided to have some fun.
He listened to the chatter of the mingling crowd and watched
the forced smiles on their faces as they tried hard to impress.
And then he rejoined the masses.
Only this time Billy made a game of it - he promised himself
that he would approach each exhibiting company in a different
way. He made that his goal rather than the goal of getting a
job. And he started to have some fun.
The first employer he approached seemed surprised when Billy
started off by announcing that he did not want a job right now
but he would like to learn more about the company for a friend
who might be interested.
Then the next person he spoke to was caught off guard when he
found himself being interviewed by the young man in the cheap
suit rather than the other way around.
Billy then came up with a new angle. Instead of asking employers
to interview him on the spot he started setting up meetings for
later in the week at their corporate offices.
Suddenly he struck gold - within 45 minutes he had arranged 5
interviews. He shook hands with a lot of interested executives
and was really enjoying hearing YES for a change.
Billy walked out of the hotel feeling triumphant and very
pleased with himself. And he was relieved that finally things
were starting to go his way.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For You Success
When the pressure to achieve is on, it is very easy to forget to
think logically and to rely on one formula to get you where you
want to go. Then the formula becomes more important than the
ultimate goal and even if you are not making progress you never
question the validity of your approach.
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1 The key is to remain flexible in your communication and to
remain open to changing your approach. Remind yourself that
reaching your goal with a win-win approach is what matters not
which specific approach you use to get there.
2 If the way I am expressing myself is not getting results there
are a few questions I ask myself to become flexible and more
creative:
What could I do differently to achieve my goal?
What have I not tried yet?
If I had already achieved my goal and I was looking back to
the present from the future what advice would I give myself?
What else could I try?
To be a highly skilled communicator you need to be flexible in
your approach and clear about your outcome. Otherwise you will
eventually hit a brick wall of resistance which you find
yourself unable to get around.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Lesson 20 - 7 Super Tips For Superior Listening Skills
Today we look at cultivating superior listening skills because
this is a trait of all highly paid men and women.
The world of business often seems to be dominated by the
characters that speak well however they only know what to say,
how to say it and when because they listen so well.
I am always impressed at how much attention high income earners
pay to listening to what other people have to say. They make
you feel important while at the same time discovering what they
need to know to influence you positively.
Read on to become a highly gifted listener.
P.S. Today is a double lesson bonus day!
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----7 Super Tips For Superior Listening Skills
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Learning to listen would be easy if we were not so busy talking!
Advancing in your career depends on more than your technical
ability. You also need to become a persuasive and influential
communicator. However if you achieve all this without ever
becoming a good listener your success will be limited.
Mistakes will be made, deadlines will be missed and staff will
get annoyed because you were not listening carefully at key
points in the conversation.
One of my former managers was the best corporate sales person I
have ever worked with. I was lucky enough to attend meetings
with him and watch him dazzle senior executives of major companies.
He had a gift for getting people to like him and he concentrated all
his energies on the customer. He spotted everything. And he listened
to every single word as well as how it was said.
After a meeting he would often point out to me how and why the
dynamics of the meeting shifted. He was a great believer in
cultivating exceptional listening skills. As he said himself,
the best sales people are the best listeners not the best
talkers.
The same applies to leaders. Exceptional leadership skills
depend on great listening skills. You must be able to see, hear
and feel the dynamics of the people you are working with.
Here are 7 super tips for developing the superior listening
skills you absolutely must have to develop the communication
skills of a CEO.
Each one is fun and will help you to become a great listener.
1 Listen to music and pick out the silence and pauses between
the words. You will be paying very close attention without even
trying. And this skill will transfer to conversations. Plus you
get to enjoy some great music!
2 Pay attention to volume. Choose one conversation each day and
observe how the volume rises and falls during the conversation.
It is impossible to not listen and spot changes in volume,
voice tone or pitch. Focus on these elements when your mind
starts to wander.
3 Watch TV with the sound down low so that you have to strain a
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little to hear. You will be forced to listen attentively and
you may even find yourself watching what is happening very
closely to make sure you do not miss anything. Do the same
thing with friends and they will appreciate that you care
enough to give them your full attention.
4 When you are on the phone exhale while the other person is
talking. This will help you to get in rapport with their
breathing since they are breathing out as they speak. And it
stops you from jumping in with something to say before the
other person is finished.
5 Pick a conversation and decide that you will not listen to a
word that the other person says. Notice how you achieve this.
You may then realize how often you do this each day. Awareness
is the first step towards improvement, now decide to be a
better listener and practice.
6 Have a conversation with someone about a topic that really
bores you. Only pretend you are very, very interested. Adopting
an attentive posture really helps as does maintaining eye
contact. Can you see how easy it is to be a better listener
just by deciding to be?
7 Watch how people move their mouths while speaking. This
virtually forces you to listen to what they are saying. Look
for patterns to keep yourself challenged otherwise you may just
lose interest.
A caring listener is someone who is valued and appreciated by
friends and peers. People absolutely love it when someone is
deeply interested in them and genuinely pays attention to what
they say. Be different, be a great listener and stand out from
the crowd.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
1 Pick one tip a day to focus on. The more attention you put
into listening the better you will become.
2 Choose a great listener that you know and ask him or her what
the secret is. Try out their approach and practice it until it
becomes second nature.
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3 Ask your friends if you always listen to them. Find out the
specific situations or triggers that cause you to stop
listening. Do this by getting into the habit of observing
yourself when your mind wanders when someone is speaking to you.
Pay attention to plugging these holes and ask your friends to
remind you if you let your new standards slip.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Is He Telling Lies?
Now that you are becoming an even more skilled and valued
listener it is time to learn how to spot when people are telling lies.
Whether you like it or not people lie to you. Most of the time it
probably does not matter much because it concerns issues of
little importance.
However being lied to becomes a big problem when it affects your
relationship with your friends and family. Without even realizing
it you could be trusting someone who is selective about the
truth.
When it comes to matters of real importance, would it be
valuable to be able to spot deception? Think of the fun you
could have catching people in the act! Let´s take a look at
three warning signs:
1 Unusual Voice Tone:
When someone you know makes a statement with emphasis using a
different voice tone than normal, pay attention! When someone
lies there is often an effort to try too hard to be convincing
and this will show up in their voice.
2 Exaggerated Eye Movements:
When you see someone lying they will often be exaggerating
their eye movements by either staring at you too much or by
trying to appear casual as they look away. In both cases there
will be a sense of exaggeration compared to how that person
usually uses their eyes when talking to you.
3 Body Language Lacks Rhythm:
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We all use our bodies on automatic when it comes to day to day
living. You walk through the same rooms in your home each day
without having to consciously plan your route, you open and
close doors without even noticing, and you can even perform
complex tasks like preparing food while you are on the phone.
All of these movements have a certain rhythm to them. However
when someone is lying to you it requires a lot of their
attention to try to be natural. As a result their movements
often appear stilted and awkward.
For example, a simple task like making a cup of coffee could
turn out to look like a highly complex activity due to slow and
mechanical like movements.
Does this mean that anyone who speaks to you with an unusual
voice tone and exaggerated eye movements while moving
awkwardly, is lying to you? No! The person could just be having
a bad day.
However if their behavior is out of the ordinary given your
experience of how they usually are, then it is worth paying
extra attention.
Ask some questions to double check the facts and be alert to
any inconsistencies in what they are saying. Never be
threatening though, ask in a relaxed friendly manner. Otherwise
you risk creating an argument.
Above all else, pay close attention to *how* people speak not
just to what they say, and you will be well prepared to spot
those moments when someone is not being completely truthful.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----Action Steps For Your Success
1 Pay attention to how you habitually communicate with other
people at work and in your community. Does your behavior match
the characteristics described above? If this is the case then you
have a real challenge getting people to trust you.
Make a point of speaking and moving with rhythm when you talk.
And be yourself because anything else seems false because it is false.
2 When you suspect someone of lying to you ask them questions
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that you already know the answers to. Watch their non-verbal
response to identify the difference between how they
communicate truth and how they communicate lies.
This will help you to establish whether the person is indeed
telling lies.
3 Become more sensitive to how people lie by making a game of
it with friends. Ask a friend to lie and see how he tries to
conceal the fact that he is being untruthful.
-----<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>----------<<()>>-----
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