1. family and parenting
2. children

How to Be a Better Parent To Your Teen
in One Hour or Less
Winning "The Race Against Time" with Your Teen
By Peter J. Favaro, Ph.D.
© 2006 Tendril Online Media Services, Inc.
Introduction: The Race
Whenever I talk to parents about teens and teen behavior I always
start by saying that raising a teen is a "race against time." Unlike
other periods of childhood like infancy, early childhood, middle
childhood, etc., at the end of this phase of development we are going
to lose them one way or another. They are either going off to college,
off to work, off with their friends or in the worst of all cases, off in
the wrong direction.
The mobility of teens makes them much harder to raise and manage
than younger kids. They are moving targets. They want out. They want
to be anywhere else but where you want them to be, unless of course,
they need something. Then, you have to drop what you're doing, read
their minds, perform up to their expectations.
Teens don't always appreciate that you have a schedule, a life, a set of
chores you have to do. Yet, if you dare to fail to appreciate the
ambitious agendas they set for themselves there is often hell to pay.
Oh, and by the way, these are for the most part, "normal" teens I am
talking about now. This is what you can expect when things are going
pretty well! When things spin out of control, the race against time I
started talking about can easily become a race against death. Drugs,
alcohol, sexual behavior, aggression, depression and other mental
illnesses that sometimes flower during the teen years can become a
part of your teen's world create havoc in the family.
It is just about every parent's wish to send their teen off into
independence as a fully functioning, productive member of society.
That's an easy thing to say, but have you checked out the society
lately? It could use improvement, at least insofar as what can happen
if you get drawn into certain social and cultural expectations that are
not very healthy. We are a society that does not always reward hard
work. We are a society that places an unusually high emphasis on the
behavior of movie stars and other icons that we let dictate how we
should dress, look, what cell phones to buy and how we should think to
say the least. Often, as parents, this is where our hard earned money
goes at our teen's requests and its kind of hard to say no, especially if
you are working fifty hours a week and don't have that much quality
time to spend with them. So, not only do we have to raise our teens
during a difficult and tumultuous period of life for them, we get to do it
in a world that provides mixed messages about values and behavior,
and are completely outside the context of family.
As a society we value "things,"-- cars, clothes, houses. We do not
always value pro-social efforts or work ethic. I think its great when our
pop icons donate money and do charitable things, but it is often in an
atmosphere that makes for good public relations more than anything
else. Personally, I have a problem when someone makes a lot of money
by promoting an unhealthy lifestyle but then to make things better for
them, donates a bunch of money to charity. Donating the money
doesn't undo the damage done to influence teens when, for instance, a
pop song promotes racism or hatred, the denigration of women, a
lifestyle of crime or any other seedy behavior. To me, you've got to
"walk the walk" and "talk the talk," and that's not a half bad message
to give to your teens. But how, when there is so little time and so much
tide to swim against?
I wrote this eBook to help parents get an edge in "the race." I've tried
to cram everything I would have written about in an entire parenting
book in a much smaller space, a quick read which emphasizes the basic,
but very profound aspects of teen parenting. My goal was to create a
work than parents could read or listen to in less than an hour and feel
better and more confident in themselves as parents right away. Let's
get cooking!
Section One: The Less You BS Yourself,
The Less Your Teen Will BS You
Let's face it. Sometimes life can be pretty tough and the best way of
dealing with it, is to not deal with it at all. Ignoring what is too
uncomfortable to deal with works--for awhile. Then it catches up with
you. That's one of many interesting parallels between adult life and
teen life. It is the natural tendency of many teens to avoid discomfort-cut class, not do homework, blow off unpleasant chores and
responsibilities, eat junk instead of nutritious foods, work less/play
more. Now combine that with a parenting style that is not proactive-the parent who doesn't like to think about the possibility their kid might
be having sex, skipping school, getting high, hanging out with a bad
crowd. Actually, in a lot of cases, its not the "possibility" of
considering those things that parents avoid, it's having to take action
to deal with those possibilities that hey avoid; and so, they let
themselves become blind to the possibilities of what their kids might be
doing.
This is how the combination of parents avoiding kids and kids avoiding
parents works:
You know your kid is heading to a bad place, but it's too difficult, too
inconvenient, too frightening to deal with. So, you take a "wait and see"
or a "wait and worry" approach to it. In essence, you BS yourself into
thinking that waiting might give you more, or better information to deal
with what's going on with your kid. While you are waiting, your kid is
doing whatever it is they are doing. Remember, the reason why kids
skip class, do drugs, slack off in school, don't work, have sex, join
gangs, etc., is because doing those things provides something that
brings them relief, enjoyment or escape. So they are getting something
out of whatever it is they are doing that benefits them--it might not be
good or healthy for them, but it benefits them. So there is benefit to
both parents and teens when teens start heading to a bad place, and
parents ignore it. It creates a system that is "in equilibrium." Nobody is
saying anything about anything. Parents are turning a blind eye to their
kids, and kids are doing things they shouldn't be doing because they are
not being confronted by their parents. Are you with me so far?
Teens are experts at upping the ante and pushing the limits on
everything. That's not a bad thing. It is what we are biologically
programmed to do in the teen phase of development. We test, we
probe, we use the healthy vigor of youth to stretch, reach, jump, dive
and plunge into everything. We've got great bounce-back ability. No
wonder why teens feel indestructible. At fifty years old, my bounceback ability is sometimes limited to running around for fifteen or
twenty minutes and then checking my pulse to see if I am still alive.
So, while you are waiting and benefiting (by avoiding the discomfort of
talking to your kids about what they are doing), they are getting more
and more out of what might not be so healthy for them in the long run.
Then one day, they push too far, do something insanely stupid,
dangerous, selfish, whatever--and you can't take it anymore so you try
to do something to stop them and they treat you as though you are
asking them to donate an eye, right there on the spot. Why is that?
That is, because you have waited too long before addressing their
behavior and;
(1) You have convinced them that they know how to manage
themselves better than you do.
(2) They don't want to give up the lifestyle of benefit they have
created for themselves just because YOU tell them to. This gives birth
to the whole "you are not the boss of me" philosophy that teenagers all
seem to spontaneously generate as an excuse for being out of control.
This leads to two questions parents might ask if they are dealing with
this sort of thing with their kids.
(1) How can I prevent this from happening in the first place?
(2) How can I change the situation if it is already happening and I feel
as though I don't have any influence over my teen?
Question One is easier to answer than Question Two because of the old
adage "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." There's a
reason why that saying has been around for so long, you know.
In any case, preventing teens from scurrying down the dark alleys of
life is a matter of having a plan, and not BS'ing yourself out of
following it, even when it is difficult.
Here are my suggestions on what mindset you need to cover most of
the challenges that arise from raising a teen. It is a general plan of
action or philosophy for raining a teen:
1. Have confidence in a philosophy of parenting that demands
that children reach high levels of expectations that parents
place on them.
2. Communicate and express those expectations in an
atmosphere of love and forgiveness, as opposed to criticism
and disappointment.
3. Understand that during the teen years you are often only
as good in the mind of your teen, as the last good thing
you've done for them--and not caring if you are not on their
list of top ten favorite people for some or all of their teen
years (because eventually they DO appreciate the limits you
set for them).
4. Reject the notion that it is possible to be your kid's friend
and parent.
It is, in my very stubborn opinion, not possible to be a friend and a
parent. Friends are equals. Parents are their children's superiors.
However, listen to what I mean by that. Parents are not superior
people. They do not deserve unconditional respect and blind loyalty.
They do not necessarily deserve anything better than their kids. If
anything most people want their kids to have more than they have,
which is fine. When I say parents are their children's superiors, I mean
they have superior wisdom, superior knowledge of consequences,
superior decision making ability.
If you don't possess these characteristics, your teens should be telling
you what you can and can't do--and they will be happy to, because they
already think they know more about life than you do. The way they find
out they don't know more about life than you do is they make it to the
next phase of life in one piece and when they do, they look back and
realize it, then and when things go really, really well, they thank you for
it (if you live that long).
5. Emphasize the Relationships between Work and
Reward/Respect and Privilege
Kids can get very distorted notions of what they deserve out of life if
everything is given to them without them having to work for it. It would
be fine if you could be the provider of all things to kids for the rest of
their lives, and they never had to deal with the demands of the outside
world. Then you could give them whatever they wanted, whenever they
wanted it, and that would probably make them very happy, but would
still not contribute much to the development of good character.
In most cases, people work very hard for the things they buy their
teens--cell phones, music players, laptop computers, expensive
sneakers, three dollar cups of coffee (very popular with teens these
days). It's great to be able to do something nice for your kids just
because you love them. However, it sends the wrong message when you
let your kids beg, bully, whine or expect that everything they want is
going to be given to them just because everyone else has it.
Parents have complained to me that when you make your kid work for
what they want you are bribing them. Yeah. OK. Next question. I get
bribed at work every week. Once a week as a matter of fact, but only
if I work. I consider working, then getting paid for it to be consistent
with what I observe in most of life. What I don't see is a lot of people
showing up to work on Friday, looking for a paycheck, after not having
worked all week, and demanding to be paid, just because they are kind
enough to be on the company payroll.
A somewhat related topic is allowance. I am not in the business of
telling parents they should or should not give their teens an allowance.
Allowance or no allowance does not make or break the concept I am
trying to teach here, unless the allowance is ridiculous and the child
would never have to work to earn anything.
I favor a lot of different ways to teach teens the relationship between
work and reward. Here are some:
(1) Paying them to do regular chores.
(2) Sending them off to work outside the home when they are old
enough to get working papers.
(3) Splitting the cost of expensive toys and other items. In other
words, they can't have expensive things unless they can figure out how
to pay for half.
(4) Saying "no" when the request is just too ridiculous to even consider
(for example, "Can I have a BMW 5 series as my first car?")
(5) Stepping in and saying "no" when a teen decides that in order to
make money they are going to engage in a con, a scam or something
illegal (like bootlegging software of DVD's)
Not all things that teenagers want require money. Yes, yes, I know that
doesn't sound like it could be true, but it is. Some things that teens
want require a currency that's even more tricky than money, and that
is "permission."
If you say "no" to everything your teen asks permission for, because
you are worried or afraid of what kind of trouble they might get into, it
is likely that you will create resentment in them and motivate them to
learn how to be sneaky and disobedient. If you say "yes" to everything
your teen asks permission for, they will just assume they have
permission to do everything, and then when you tell them they can't do
something they will act as though, you have just asked them to donate,
the other eye.
For me, the "currency" which teens should have to trade for
permission to do things is respect. That currency comes in two
denominations, "self respect" and "other respect."
Here is one good way of teaching your teen the value of self and other
respect:
There will come a point in time when your kid wants permission to do
something you feel "iffy" about. You haven't said "yes" and you haven't
said "no" and this is by far the best way to keep a teen cemented onto
a one foot by one foot area of the living room floor until you make that
decision. Therefore, you can be reasonably sure you have their
attention. The great thing about having a teen's attention is that they
will listen to things they would normally roll their eyes at or glaze over
at, or not remove those freakin earphones for five lousy minutes to
hear.
Don't overdo in these instances, use them wisely. This is the time when
you can lecture your kid about what you would expect IF you were to
say "yes". That would usually include the typical list of do's and don't,
rights and wrongs of keeping out of trouble. Then, if you have the urge
to say "yes," DON'T SAY IT RIGHT AWAY! Tell your kids you need to
think about it for fifteen minutes. Wait the fifteen minutes. Then, say
"yes" if that is your inclination. For parents these times can be both
entertaining and educational.
What does any of this have to do with respect? Nothing, unless you tell
them it does. You have to tell them that your permission is based on
trust, and trust and respect go hand in hand. When there is trust the
expectation is that there is respect. You "pay" them with trust. They
"pay you back" with respect. Deal or no deal. If I trust you to go to a
party and be back at twelve and you walk in at two, that is a violation
of the trust I had in you in the first place, and therefore shows a lack
of respect for that trust. If I trust you to go to a party and pictures
of you drunk or stoned wind up on mySpace or YouTube, then you have
taken the trust I have given you and turned it into an opportunity to
show you don't have much respect for yourself. Lack of self and other
respect results in consequences, most notably, the consequence of
not getting permission until trust is earned again.
Permission should be based on a teen's history of respecting the trust
and respect shown in your prior experiences. When the history is good,
the trust just keeps on coming. When the history is bad, there will be a
lot of time spent looking at the four walls of their rooms.
6. Privacy, Like Privilege, Must Also Be Earned
My final advice rule for dealing with teens earlier when they are more
flexible, rather than later when they are already in trouble, is
somewhat controversial. It has to do with privacy. It is my opinion that
kids should not expect the luxury of their privacy until they have
earned it. This is a tough one for many parents to swallow. So if it is,
don't swallow it. I am only making suggestions. I am not the boss of you
either, you know. Anyway, here is my reasoning:
Teens can get themselves into a lot of trouble during times when they
are outside of the watchful eyes of their parents. What might be
directly harmful to them in your eyes can often seem exciting and
alluring to them in their own eyes. Another way of saying this is that
teens can be very dumb at times. Sorry, if that doesn't sound as
touchy feely as it should coming from a shrink, but I am a little rough
around the edges.
There are two types of privacy:
(1) Privacy that is ALWAYS given which includes: dressing, bathing,
bathroom activities and time to sit and think. You should be with it
enough to know that already.
(2) Privacy that must be earned which includes things like:
Privacy of using a computer in a nonpublic place in the house.
Privacy of having a pass worded computer account so
parents can't see what you are doing.
Privacy which makes a teen completely immune from
parents going through their dresser drawers, backpack,
clothing or anything else, if suspicion is high.
Privacy of being behind a closed bedroom door when friends are
over, especially friends of the opposite sex.
Some parents consider any kind of intrusion to be counter productive
as they fear it could breed mistrust. Yes and no. This is a section
about what to do sooner rather than later so the best way to handle
the issue is to announce it before it becomes an issue. This means at
some opportune time when children become old enough to want more
privileges and you are having a general discussion about rules and
expectations, this should be a topic within that general discussion.
When the rules are clear, violations are easy to spot, talk about and
correct. This does not have to be negative conversation either. It can
be easily done in the positive by saying:
OK, I know you want more grown up privileges and as things come up we
will take them one at a time. The general rule will be, the more you
show that I can trust you, the more things you will be able to have
permission to do. Same goes for privacy. As long as there is an open
line of communication and we can talk, I am out of your stuff. If I feel
you are being sneaky and hiding something that can be hurtful to you I
am going to give you a chance to own up and the consequences will be
minimal since by owning up you are showing me how important you think
trust and respect are and that is always the most important thing I
want to teach you because I love you. If I think you are lying or hiding
something, all bets are off. I will then give myself permission to snoop
through your things. The best way to have privacy then, is to be
honest. The best way to have freedom is to behave responsibly and
show respect for what you got permission for.
You should avoid taking a "law enforcement" point of view as in:
I am the boss around here and what I say goes. If I say "no" its "no" and
I don't want to hear it. If I think you are trying to put one over on me or
outsmart me I am going to go through your stuff and show you that
you are not as smart as I am.
Invasion of privacy should only be exercised when parents have more
than a reasonable suspicion that something very inappropriate is going
on. Most of the time that boils down to a very small number of
activities which include tobacco, alcohol or drugs, sexual activity, illegal
activity or an obsessive interest in cult, gang or fantasy activities.
Invasion of a teen's privacy should never occur until after a parent has
given the teen more than one opportunity to talk about what is going
on. The parent should be brave enough to discuss exactly what
suspicions there are and why they suspect it, before rooting around
through a teen's personal things. So, I am not talking about a 007
license to snoop. I am talking about a measure of last resort that
comes from some reasonable suspicion.
In the next chapter we'll discuss the more difficult part of dealing with
teens--that is when they are resisting your best attempts to raise
them.
Section Two: Discipline By Natural
Consequence
Under the best of circumstances raising a teen can lead to frustration
and challenging situations. One of the biggest challenges parents face
is how to discipline a teen -- you can't exactly spank their rear ends or
take away their milk and cookies (cell phones, however, are another
story).
In the last section we dealt with why it is important to begin early and
stick with a set of solid principles rooted in the notions of "self" and
"other" respect to guide parental decision making. This section
describes what parents can do if kids do not respond to reasonable
requests for good behavior, are failing in school, or are heading down a
path of self (or other) destruction. In this chapter we are talking about
behavior that requires attention and action which has not reached a
crisis point. In the next chapter we will be dealing with some of the
extremes that need more and different types of attention and action.
The one thing parents need to avoid when their teens are behaving
poorly is "going to war" with them. It's very easy for parents to try to
go head to head with a teen who is ignoring the rules they have set
down for them, but this is almost always a mistake because in an
environment of escalating tensions, teens always have the upper hand.
They have more time to devote to making you miserable. They have
more opportunity to act out than you have opportunity to keep track
of what they are doing and catch them at it. If they know that their
failure pushes your buttons--failure is easy to achieve and it gives
them an excuse to do what they want as opposed to what you want-and so they will fail. As a result, their "victories" will feed their egos
and contribute to the tendency they already have to feel invincible and
in charge of their own destinies. Unfortunately, teens often don't
understand the long term consequences of their behavior--and that
might be the biggest parenting challenge at all.
The way to get back to a position where you can influence your teen
when things are starting to slide out of control is to take a "less is
more" approach, and no, this does NOT mean DOING less. It means
REACTING less and actually doing more. Here is how to start:
1. Understand that teenagers are too old to influence by physical
discipline--the research shows it doesn't work anyway. Also we are
living in a society where if parents do discipline their children physically
it can result in an encounter with their State social service agency and
compound the problems you are having. Bottom line, you can't succeed
this way, and if your parent beat the heck out of you for misbehaving
and it worked, they just got lucky. I've never condoned physical forms
of discipline with kids and never will. It teaches that violence is an
acceptable form of solving problems and the world at large promotes
that message enough as it is already.
2. No matter how big or mature your teenaged kid looks they still rely
on you for a lot, especially from thirteen to sixteen when they still
can't drive. The best discipline you can utilize with teens is "discipline
by natural consequence." Discipline by natural consequence is more of
a philosophy than a style. You are not going to change a teen's behavior
in one instance using this as an approach. It takes time for the teen to
figure out that life is better when there is a give and take between
them and their parents.
Here is the condensed version of how to apply discipline by natural
consequence:
a. Make sure you have thoroughly discussed what your expectations
are with your teen. Make sure your teen knows what you expect from
them in terms of effort in school, curfew, respect to others in the
house, their behavior outside the house, the use of drugs, tobacco and
alcohol, behavior with the opposite sex and whatever else you think is
important to guide and shape their future. What? You have never had
this conversation with your teen? No wonder why you are at the end of
your rope! OK lets take a break here.
You know all those public services announcements that advise you to
talk to your kids? This is what they want you to talk about. And, don't
tell me your kid knows what you expect of them, because if you have
not had many calm conversations about your expectations of them,
you have only told them what you expect of them while yelling at them
for doing something wrong. Conversations like that do not leave a
positive impression because its hard to convince a kid you care about
them when your advice is being screamed at them or peppered with
curse words. Instead, these conversations should come during the
calmer times. Review the last chapter on how to get your kid to pay
attention to you. If you don't want to flip the pages let me remind you:
teens pay attention when they want something. If you are a parent to a
teen the last time that happened was probably about thirty seconds
ago.
b. When you and your teenager have discussed what you want to see in
their behavior there will be times when they give you what you want;
and times when they screw up. When they screw up, the "natural
consequence" is that they don't get what they want from you. Or, they
don't get what they want from you and in addition they receive
whatever other consequence there is for that particular behavior-grounding, no allowance, extra chores, whatever it is you have decided
and expressed to them in a prior conversation.
When teens have knowledge of their consequences they are less likely
to see you as applying your parental power in an arbitrary way. There
was a deal. They broke it. They knew what was coming. This will not
prevent a meltdown on their part in all cases, but it is a much better
way of dealing with them in the long run.
The problem that most parents have when they try to apply
consequences to their children is that its hard to figure out what to do
to them when you are angry and disappointed. It just adds to the
stress of whatever is going on at the time. That's why consequences
need to be discussed before they are needed. There doesn't even have
to be a complicated list of punishments for the transgressions they
commit. Your child should merely know that your behavior and their
behavior is set up in an action-reaction pattern. They screw up, they
get less from you until they wise up. If there are other consequences
that you set forth, fine, they know that too.
c. When using discipline by consequence you must spend twice, no, five
times as much time talking to them, during the calm times, about how
great they are. You do this for two reasons:
First, it is good for their self-esteem.
Second you will want to be able to dispute it when they tell you, as they
inevitably will, that all you do is make them feel like they are doing
something wrong.
Words of praise cost zero to say. They take very little time and
effort. People who don't praise their kids don't really like their kids. Oh,
yeah, people don't like it when I say they don't like their kids. Who am I?
I don't know them so I can't make that judgment. People can't admit
they don't like their kids because that's a taboo in our society, but I
encounter plenty of parents who don't like their kids, and a lot of kids
who hate their parents. Whether you like your kids or not, you've got
to deal with them and you can not like your kids but still feel like you
have responsibility for them. It doesn't matter whether I can convince
you if you are acting as if you don't like your kid. When parents don't
like their kids, the kids know it. And, when kids know their parents
don't like them it screws them up. And, when it screws them up you
get more aggravation. So, like your kids for selfish reasons. You will be
pleasantly surprised to see how much more likable they will become.
d. Always end any conversation you have where you have to give out a
consequence or deny permission by saying something like this: "I love
you. You probably don't agree but I am doing everything I can to make
sure you grow up with the right tools to become a successful person.
But as we have spoken about before, you are the one who really
controls a lot of what you get permission to do by your behavior. Think
about that a little. This way next time you'll give me the excuse I need
to let you do more of what you want."
What you are doing here is re-affirming your role as a parent. At the
moment you are doing this purely for your own benefit because your
kid will be standing there pouting, rolling their eyes, saying something
sarcastic or doing some other annoying thing. That is bait for you to
get angry with them and lose it so they can complain to you about your
behavior instead of focusing on the complaints about theirs. Suck that
logic in. Do not bite on the bait. However, the beauty of this whole
process when it works correctly is that when teens grow about a dozen
brain cells right around the time they are about to become adults, it all
kicks in and they remember how many times they heard that you love
them, even when they were doing something they shouldn't have been
doing.
e. This is a very simple and effective system to deal with discipline
issues with a lot of teens, but there are a thousand different ways to
destroy its effectiveness. If you lose your temper, you blow it. If you
try to take away too many privileges and make your kid feel like a
prisoner to show how much muscle you can toss around, they will act
like most prisoners and plan their activities around the notions of
escape and revenge. Teenaged kids have incredible stamina. They have
more energy to resist than you have to persist. That is why you can't
let your behavior match theirs and that's why you should have a plan.
The plan takes care of most issues by default. You don't have to
scramble for what to say and do in most situations.
That's about all there is to it. It all boils down to three simple steps:
(1) You have to put the time in to talk about behavioral expectations in
advance.
(2) You have to keep your wits about you when kids don't meet the
expectations you have set for them.
(3) You have to spend more time praising them then doling out
consequences.
Just remember, I said discipline by natural consequence is effective. I
never said it was easy to do. You will make mistakes. You will have good
days and bad days. Welcome to teen parenting.
Section Three: When Parents Fear Their
Teens Are Losing "The Race"
I started this eBook by pointing out that negotiating the teen years is
like a "race against time." Sometimes there are indications that a teen
might be losing that race and the outcome might be dire.
Here are some of the events that can take place during the teen years
that can signal problems that are too big for parents to handle alone:
If you think you have been fair, have applied sensitive and loving
disciplinary strategies like the "discipline by natural consequence"
strategy from the last chapter, and still see that your teen is having
trouble coping with social, emotional and family demands, then you
need help. Good help can be very hard to come by, but it is available,
even if funds are low. We'll be talking more about help in later sections,
but in this section I am going to help you identify what kinds of
situations require more than the basic understanding I have outlined so
far.
When teen behaviors become long standing patterns of poor conduct,
or when your teen shrinks his or her life down to one interest that
seems to take over their whole being (like emulating a gangsta rapper,
or obsessing over being "a goth") there are problems. A normal aspect
of teen behavior is to "try on" new identities. However, these
experiments should come and go and healthy teens don't take their
interests and personas that seriously for very long themselves.
Here is a list of behaviors and situations that should cause parents of
teens to step back and develop an action plan that considers using help
outside the family to get things back on track:
Underachievement/Lack of Motivation in School
Anger/Aggression
Criminal Behavior
Gang/Cult Involvement
Drug/Alcohol Abuse
Confused Sexuality
Overly Promiscuous Sexual Behavior
Depression-Suicide/Poor Self Esteem/Anxiety/Eating Disorder/Other
Major Mental Illness
Peer Rejection/Bullying
Over involvement in Fantasy Play
Over involvement with Computers and the Internet
Parents are often the last to know if any of these issues are affecting
their teens, because:
(1) A child's behavior might be different outside the home as opposed
to inside.
(2) Because they don't want to see the behaviors associated with
these problems and they are in denial.
(3) There are other problems in the household that are so significant
that they take attention away from noticing what might be wrong in
their teen's life.
(4) Because they are just plain naive and were never educated as to
what they should look for.
(5) If communication between parents and teens is poor the teen might
not feel comfortable sharing information that could reveal the
presence of one of these issues.
The categories above are hardly exclusive. Your teen could very well be
experiencing a group of these difficulties.
Let's take a look at each category, see what action plans can be helpful
to teens, and what signals parents should look for to keep them aware
of when to act.
Underachievement/Lack of Motivation in School
When kids have learning problems those problems usually do not
develop in teen years. They are identified at much younger ages and
stages. Children who have learning and attention problems can
experience more severe difficulties in adolescence because the kind of
frustration that comes with learning problems is cumulative and can
cause a type of "burn out" in adolescence.
Teens who have grown up with learning and attention problems can
experience other problems as a result of living with frustration
produced by those problems. So we can see an increase in social and
emotional difficulties in teens who have learning problems. They can
become agitated, depressed, withdrawn and show signs of poor self
esteem. Drug taking and other high risk behaviors can provide an
escape from feelings of frustration, boredom and depression.
To avoid these difficulties, I believe that parents have to develop a plan
of action that includes involving the teen in experiences that help them
experience a sense of success that school has not been able to
provide. Involvement in programs like the Boy Scouts or Explorers and
programs like Outward Bound can be a help. If your teen shows an
interest in mechanical things, art, or music now is a good time to really
promote participation in contests, clubs and other events which help
them feel a sense of importance and connection to it. Counseling can
be very helpful, but support from the family is even more important.
Often, the problem with counseling is that it is a tough sell to teens
and they sometimes won't invest in it, so its important to find a
therapist or counselor who has a good handle on how to connect with
teens. Career guidance through counseling is also critical. In my
experience if a parent can keep a teen with learning problems out of
trouble and feeling good about themselves, the teen often shows that
he or she is a "late bloomer" and can be as successful as anyone else
once a good match is found between the person and the task they are
doing to make a living.
Anger/Aggression:
Parents often mistakenly convince themselves that anger and
aggression are "normal" parts of adolescent behavior and once the
hormones stop flowing as wildly as they must be flowing, things will
calm down. This is a great example of the kind of "worry and wait"
behavior of parents that I spoke about in the first chapter and it
almost always leads to problems elsewhere.
Aggression is never an acceptable form of behavior at any age and
station in a civilized person's development and is always a sign that
something else is going on. This is especially so when there are
problems at home like divorce, family violence or drinking or drugging in
the family. If not confronted and/or treated appropriately, out of
control rage and aggressive behavior can result in harm to self or
others, get a kid killed or result in the kind of involvement in the legal
system that will affect him or her for the rest of their lives, if they
live that long.
Parents, please remember that anger and aggression are often
present in a child because children imitate what they see at home. Your
teen has no chance dealing with his or her anger if you are angry. Your
teen will scream if you scream, bully if you bully, hit if you hit. If you
are an angry person, get help first or at the same time as your kid.
There is no other way to solve this problem that I know of. Lead by
example, that would be the positive way of putting it. In slightly more
rustic way, as my grandmother would tell me in Italian growing up, when
she would describe her dislike of shady politics or unfair practices,
"The fish stinks from the head down." The same is true in families. The
parents have to lead.
Criminal Behavior:
Kids have a lot of opportunity to engage in criminal behavior these
days, especially considering the availability of computers and the
massive amount of security problems that still exist in the "cyber
world." Of course there are crimes that have existed for a long time:
shoplifting and stealing, car theft, drug dealing, gambling -- all of which
teens can and do participate in as a way of satisfying the urge to have
more, show more and live fast. However, there are a lot of additional
temptations involving computers and technology that are new on the
scene which include:
(1) pirating music, software of other forms of electronic media.
(2) participating or hosting computer based sex sites, distributing teen
porn, running pay-per-view web cam sites.
(3) identity theft, passing around credit card information, bank
information or other information on the internet
(4) information theft (stealing mailing lists from various companies or
other sensitive corporate data).
(5) Distributing phony drugs over the internet
None of these activities are victimless crimes, but worse yet, they
encourage a kind of socially harmful thinking which emphasizes taking
an "easy way" to accumulate life's creature comforts.
As with many of the behaviors I describe in this chapter and this
eBook, parents have to know what they are looking for, and that means
you have to take the time to learn. I can't teach you everything you
need to know about computers to confirm or deny your suspicion that
your child might be engaging in these activities, but look for the end
results:
(1) Does your teen seem to be purchasing items that are way beyond
what you think he or she should be able to afford based on your
current knowledge of their finances?
(2)Look for your teen toting around new laptops, gear, and gadgets
that you know are expensive and have no idea where he or she is
getting them.
(3) Is there obsessive checking and rechecking of cell phones, pagers,
computers and other equipment (not always a sign that something
illegal is going on, but almost always present when there IS something
illegal going on).
(4) Have you found a weapon of some sort around the house?
Gang/Cult Involvement:
There comes a point in time when no matter how tight a teen is with
their family, peers have as much or more influence over their behavior
as parents do. Also, the more tension, stress and dysfunctional
behavior there is in a family, the more a child is going to express their
need to affiliate and be connected to something to help guide their
behavior in a venue that is outside the home. Enter gangs and cults.
There are major differences between gangs and cults, but there are
more similarities than differences and that is why I am putting them in
the same category here.
The main similarity is that both gangs and cults have relatively low
requirements for entrance. The main requirement is loyalty. Be loyal to
the group and the group will love and protect you. Complicated and
highly effective psychological tactics are used to recruit, brand and
maintain loyalty to the group. It is fascinating how in the formation and
marketing of these groups, so many of them have found a way to tap
into these complex processes. After all, there isn't exactly a course
you or anyone can take about how to form, lead and recruit a cult or
gang, but the information is out there, because there are many
effective cults and gangs in operation. Ironically, some of the same
principles I have outlined to help parents create a sense of discipline in
their teens is employed in a twisted and deranged way to control and
manage the behavior of a gang or cult. The primary difference is that
gangs and cults operate on an agenda of submissiveness and
dependence where parents are trying to reinforce independence and
self-reliance.
Signs and indicators of cult and gang involvement can often come more
in symbols, colors and pictures than in words or behaviors. Kids in
gangs and cults typically cut themselves off from most of their "other
friends." When I emphasize looking for "symbols, colors and pictures,"
look for reappearing symbols or icons on clothing, drawn on the body,
or in graffiti. Participation in gangs and cults often require some sort
of tattooing which is often very crude and not very artistic. Look for
changes in clothing. Gangs require the wearing of "gang colors." Cults
also often have thematic clothing.
Don't fool yourself into thinking that "ghetto kids" are the only
population to fall victim of participation in gangs or cults. There are
gangs and cults that recruit from all ethnicities and all socio economic
groupings.
Removing your child from the influence of a gang or cult is partially
related to what position they hold in the group, what kind of attention
they are getting from the group, what the perceived consequence for
leaving the group is, and what you are willing to do to devote yourself
to extracting your teen from that group. You will almost certainly need
some help. The resource list provided in this eBook should get you
started.
Drug/Alcohol Abuse:
Problems with drugs and alcohol are among the most frequently
ignored and overlooked problems in teen parenting. Why do parents
ignore drug and alcohol problems?
1. Denial. A lot of parents just don't think that experimenting with
drugs or alcohol is that much of a big deal. They did it and turned out
OK. When parents tell me this I give them the following speech. "Think
of the times you drank and drugged when you were a kid. Was there
ever a point in time, when, as a result of what you were doing you could
have been hurt or killed? Now, tell me whether it makes you feel
comfortable knowing that your kid is probably, from time to time in
that same situation."
The end result of telling parents this is usually nothing--it does not
have any effect on them whatsoever. It is not enough of a compelling
argument to get them to take action on what they know their kids are
doing. However, I keep warning parents about it anyway because maybe
I haven't spoken to enough people yet for that line of reasoning to
make a difference and it only takes a few minutes to try.
Another why parents don't want to believe that their kids have
problems with drugs or alcohol is because once they start to believe it,
it terrifies them and they don't know what to do. So they worry and
wait. Sound familiar?
2. Fear of loss of coolness. There are a lot of parents who live their
lives through the behavior of their teenaged kids. Sometimes its
because all they ever had going for them was what they did when they
were teens and they want to do it again. Sometimes they did not have
such great teen years and if they become permissive enough to let
their teen kids do whatever they want, their own teens will think they
are cool and it fills a void for the parent. Sometimes, when a parent
has other bad family relationships they rely on the loyalty of their
teens to prove to themselves that they are worthwhile people to have
a relationship with. There are probably more reasons than this but
none of them are worth sitting in the emergency room and listening to
a doctor tell you that your child just died from alcohol poisoning--an
event which is occurring with alarming frequency in the United States.
Parents can developed some pretty unhealthy logic around teens and
drinking. Some have concluded it is better to host a keg party and
supervise teen drinking than it is to let them congregate on their own
and drink. What makes parents think that if they provide the booze and
the environment that:
(1) they have the capability to keep anything bad from happening in a
situation where the beverages served promote loss of inhibition and
control or;
(2) the kids won't meet by themselves and drink in addition to the
venue that their parents are providing.
Not to mention that hosting parties where adults supervise teen
drinking is illegal. If the news is any indication of what parents are
being charged with as a result of their teens drinking under their
supervision, it does not seem to be worth the risk.
Bottom line: there is no good reason to think you are doing your kids a
favor by letting them drink under your supervision.
Statistically, kids start drinking in junior high and high school. Yes,
junior high school. The emotional and social costs of alcohol abuse are
staggering. I could report the statistics, but people tend to ignore
those too, so I am telling you that I have seen the statistics and taken
the time to go through them, and it worries me.
My best advice to parents is to tell their kids they are forbidden to
drink alcohol, anything, at all. If they do drink, even if it is a single beer,
take them to a few AA meetings to let them see what it leads to. It
won't make an impression on them but it will be a pain in the ass to do.
If your kids think that you will inconvenience them if they drink, they
will think twice about it. Oh, it will also be a pain in the ass for you to do
to take you kids to AA meetings if they drink, but making funeral
arrangements is even more inconvenient.
I am going to say something which I do not really need to say: If you
drink too much so will your kids. If your family environment is violent
and/or chaotic your kids will drink and/or take drugs. End of topic.
Everything I mentioned about drinking also relates to drugs and
tobacco. Drugs can kill your kids even quicker than drinking, but that
doesn't make one any better or worse; drugs just might be more
effective at killing kids at times.
If your kids have a drug problem (or a drinking problem) you need help.
You need to put whatever it is that is important in your life on hold
while you get it sorted out. You cannot worry and wait. You cannot hope
kids will grow out of it. Reach out to counseling, AA, your local hospital,
your minister or religious leader and anyone else you can talk to. There
are countless resources out there for parents struggling with this
issue. Use them.
Talking about it, confronting your kids and letting your kids know you
will do anything you can do to help is essential. You can't punish your
kids out of drinking, smoking or taking drugs, but what you can do is
keep better track of them and limit their opportunities to be around
drugs and alcohol. Go back to the section on discipline by natural
consequence. If you start young and really push the message of how
trust, self-respect and privilege are all intertwined with one another,
you will have a leg up on steering your kids away from drugs, alcohol
and tobacco.
Promiscuity/Sexual Experimentation/Sexual Preference:
Adolescence is a time of life where interest in the development of self
and identity is intensified--that's certainly not a major scientific
announcement. In healthy people, all phases of life require modification
and hopefully improvement of self and identity, but this facet of life
certainly comes center stage during adolescence. With teens, the
development of healthy identity is often complicated by the availability
of choice and opportunity. In my view of people and psychology there is
always choice and opportunity available. You can choose to change
yourself in hundreds of ways every day from this day forward.
However, in adolescence the choices are optimized and they come fast
and furious. As adolescents rely less on adult influence and persuasion
they are left more to their own devices. When teens don't have good
relationships with their parents, they eliminate choices their parents
would suggest, or choices they think their parents might suggest, and
in most cases those are the better choices.
This doesn't have a direct bearing on sexuality exclusively, it has a
bearing on just about every choice that teens make in their lives. I just
happen to be relating it to sexuality here. In any case, sexual behavior,
although partly driven by biology, is also driven by choice, and that is
how teenaged kids become promiscuous, they choose to. The reasons
why they choose to are many and complex but the most common ones
are:
(1) to gain social power
(2) to compensate for poor self-esteem
(3) to seek revenge on their parents
(4) because, like anything else pleasurable, it can become a habit or
obsession (not an addiction in my book, but other professionals like me
do consider it an addictions--the reasons for my disagreements with
some are technical and scientific and don't really matter much here).
Teen sexuality can and should be an issue of major importance to
parents, not only for whatever social, moral or religious reasons
parents find important, but because sexual promiscuity, like many teen
behaviors is now officially in the group of behaviors that can lead to
early death. Early death is an excellent outcome to try to avoid
whenever possible, and as the Second Place winner in terms of the
consequences of unrestrained teenaged sexual behavior I'll choose teen
pregnancy.
As with some of the other topics in this section, plenty of family talks
about self-respect about all sexual behavior, promiscuous or "normal
and natural" are surely a step in the right direction. Like alcohol and
drugs, parents need to wise up about providing permission to go places
and do things which provide opportunity. I know it only takes five
minutes and there are lots of opportunities. What I am saying is there
is no way to eliminate opportunity, but you can reduce it. Remember
high school biology? Sex is a numbers game--the right day, the right
number of sperm, the the right mood, the right night that someone's
house/car/bedroom/backyard/etc. is outside of adult supervision. The
least you can do is try to help the numbers move in the right direction.
I would like to address the issue of whether your teen should be
educated about birth control (I am not talking about abortion as a form
of birth control, that is a whole other topic we won't be covering here).
Suffice it to say I think parents should educate their children about
birth control, but I can't go on about it too much because this is a
short eBook and lots of people get offended by a full discussion of the
topic. The reason why I think it is a good idea to educate teens about
birth control is because it prevents unwanted births and therefore
prevents unwanted propagation of poor judgment, parenting without
sufficient wisdom, and another generation of screwed up kids having
kids.
You don't have to endorse the idea of your teen having sex with or
without birth control in order to emphasize the cons of getting
someone pregnant or being pregnant at an early age. Having a
conversation about birth control is not giving your teen permission to
have sex, either. What you are doing is improving the odds of avoiding a
bad situation. The implied message to teens is, "If you are not going to
respect my advice about sex, the least you can do is have protected
sex." This way if they listen to half of what you say, they can still avoid
a potential disaster.
Research indicates that friends often have more influence than
parents in terms of sexuality and sexual decision making. The culture,
media and society at large also send very strong messages to kids and
teens, thus making the job of teen parenting much more difficult.
Parents can and do have an influence over what their kids are doing
and what they have permission to travel to, experience and so forth.
You should be used to this part of the drill by now. Talk to your teens.
Make that connection between respect and privilege. Making this
connection is the Swiss Army Knife of teen parenting--but you have to
keep sharpening the tool and it won't work unless you make it work.
Sexual preference (whether your teen wants to have their intimate
relationships with people of the same sex versus people of the
opposite sex) is another major area of development that can promote
anxiety and worry in teens. Today's teens are experimenting more and
more with sexual behavior designed to explore sexual identity. As the
culture becomes ever so slightly more accepting of homosexuality over
time and there is less of a taboo on same gender sexual contact,
teenagers are becoming more likely to experiment with it. Sometimes
this is an indication that a life long sexual preference is being made
(although some of the research indicates that awareness of sexual
preference occurs much earlier than in teen years); and sometimes it
is a merely a form of experimentation.
Needless to say, when a teen considers a homosexual lifestyle,
regardless of how many gay pride parades are broadcast and
regardless of how many funny, likable sitcom characters are in shows
on television, it can create anxiety and uncertainty about family
acceptance. I am still waiting for a television series or memorable role
where the main character is not a comic figure whose homosexuality is
cute and funny; but a serious, powerful figure who just happens to be
gay. It is still not entirely socially acceptable to be gay, and if it were
entirely socially acceptable to be gay, that would not mean it would be
an easy adjustment for today's families based on the socio-cultural
norms the heads of those families grew up with.
Open lines of communication are the best means of being available to a
teen who wants to discuss these issues. Parents need to communicate
to kids that every topic is acceptable for discussion because the bond
between family makes it so.
Depression-Suicide/Poor Self Esteem/Anxiety/Eating
Disorder/Other Major Mental Illness:
There is a difference between a teen appearing as though he or she is
from another planet, versus suffering from a major mental illness.
Teens can be dramatic, over-the-top, out there, alien-like, impossible
to decipher, brooding, contemplative, and creative to what seems to us
like bizarre extremes. However, none of this is the same as what teens
display when they suffer from a major mental illness.
Many of the major mental illnesses that teens suffer from share
symptoms such as:
(1) overeating/bingeing/starving
(2) self-mutilating/cutting/self-destructive behavior
(3) sleep disturbances
(4) uncontrollable swings of emotions leading to self or
destructive behaviors like suicide attempts or gestures
(5)
fear of leaving the house/isolation/no friends
other
(6) violence and/or aggression that leads to the
harm to self or others.
(7)
possibility of
talk or thoughts of suicide or self-harm.
Suicide is a leading cause of death amongst teens and the number of
suicides actually reported about teens is always considered an
underestimate because so many suicides are attributed to accidental
causes.
The good news is that suicide can often be prevented, as long as
parents do not take a "worry and wait" attitude.
Mental illnesses that feature depression as a prominent symptom have
many deadly prongs that attach to teenagers--sleep and eating
problems, self-destructive behavior, aggression, to name just a few.
As a parent your first level of problem solving is to look at the family
history (which includes you) to determine if depression runs in the
family. Don't only count the people you know were medicated or
hospitalized for depression. You might not be a mental health
professional, but you probably have the capability of considering
whether your father drank to much, isolated himself; whether your
grandfather was uncontrollably grumpy and angry, whether your
mother isolated herself, let herself go physically and emotionally-these are the signs of depression. Same goes for yourself. Have you
fought feelings of hopelessness and pessimism your whole life? Do you
frequently feel as though you have nothing to look forward to. Do you
think that life has nothing to offer you? These are also signs of
depression. Family history is a good place to start, but even if there is
no family history depression might still be affecting your teen.
Severe depression affects people on all levels. When it occurs in teens,
it is occurring in a person who has doubts about their identity,
impulsive, not that much life experience, and can be prone to grand
gestures, even where there is no mental illness. Depression can occur
in kids who look like they should be on top of the world. It can occur in
great students, with great grades and a lot of friends.
If you think your child might be depressed, get them to a competent
mental health professional and be open to the possibility of all
suggestions, including the possibility of medication if that's what the
doctors say might help. That is not the same thing as saying you
should blindly follow all advice, medication advice included. You should
know that there is currently quite a bit of concern over whether
depression medications are completely safe for teens. I am saying you
should consider it enough to do research about it or get a second
opinion--don't just wave it away as unacceptable.
Speak to your primary care physician, you pastor, your counselor,
teachers and people at school. Check some of the state resources you
can find at the links I have included in the resource section in this book.
Whatever you do PLEASE don't expect others to do more than you are
willing to do YOURSELF. I cannot emphasize this point more. You are
greatly reducing your chances of successfully helping your child with
this or any other problem contained in this eBook if you expect that
someone is going to show up at your house and take your teen
problems off your hands. There are people who will help you and point
you in the right direction, but at the end of the day it is up to family to
make the most effort.
Eating disorders often have a component of depression to them, but
unhappiness and instability are shown primarily through the
psychological dynamics involved with eating. Control issues and
resentment toward the perception that parents are unfairly rigid or
controlling is expressed by the teen refusing to eat and then literally
terrifying the rest of the people in the family to back off and
alternately give them attention and leave them alone. Eating disorders
are experienced by males and females, but more often by females.
Untreated eating disorders can result in death, and convincing an
eating disordered child to eat is one of the toughest mental health
challenges even the most experienced mental health professional will
ever face. The best course of action sometimes involves hospitalizing
the child to prevent them from literally starving to death.
The symptoms of an eating disorder are painfully obvious to see. Teens
starve themselves to the point of seeing all of their rib bones, stopping
menstruation, having sunken in face bones and eye sockets and then
still believing they are overweight.
As with some of the other problems I have discussed in this eBook, the
popular culture is responsible for promoting eating disorders, in young
women especially. Rail thin models, actresses, and other entertainers
provide an unattainable standard for teen girls who don't understand
that what they are seeing is heavily manufactured, made up, shot
under perfect lighting conditions and completely unreal. "Reality
shows," promoting the possibility of girls becoming "the next big thing,"
promote the unattainable in the most unhealthy, superficial, selfish and
horrible ways, in my opinion.
It's not so easy to stop the culture from affecting teens, because
unless parents are willing to get together and speak out, these
influences will continue to thrive. What parents can do is control what
happens in their own homes and that's the point of what I am trying to
promote in this eBook. Take the time to compliment your teen when
they wear nice clothing and take good care of themselves. Make your
opinion more important than a strangers.
This is not a book about parenting, not about teen mental illness. The
point of this section is to encourage parents to move on their instinct
and observations. I've listed the major signs. If you think you need to
take action, do it. You can refer to the resources I have included later
on in this book.
Peer Rejection/Bullying:
This is an old problem that mental health professionals have just been
taking a recent look into--teens who are mercilessly teased and
tormented by their peers until it reaches a point where the teen takes
his or her own life or retaliates in an attempt to achieve a personal
brand of justice.
Bullying is a behavior that can destroy a child's self-esteem and ruin
their psychological development for the rest of their lives. More often
than not, schools refuse to act on complaints that a child or teen is
being ritualistically bullied by one or a group of other kids. Some
schools have developed programs to address the problem of bullying,
but they are few and far between.
There are a lot of ways to look at it, but aggression in groups toward
other weaker (perceived or otherwise) members of the species can be
seen everywhere from the living room fish tank to the classroom, to
the work environment. There are many theories of why this happens,
but I will explain it in the terms that make the most sense to me.
In many species of animals that live or interact in small, social spaces
there is a pecking order where individuals in the group demonstrate
behaviors that are desired or advantageous in the group setting. In
teen social groups "strength" or "desirability" can be represented by
many things--money, clothing, gadgets, attractiveness, sports skills,
musical knowledge and many other things. To complicate things
further, different groups sort for different strengths, and that's why
kids tend to form "cliques," -- jocks, Goths, brainiacs, rockers, players,
etc. There are many types of cliques, many ways to gain social power
in those groups and many forms of social approval that are traded in
those groups. Some kids are like chameleons. They are so socially
skilled that they can fit in anywhere and be accepted by lots of
different types of kids. Then, there are other kids who, by virtue of
not being able to fit any stereotype that the group reinforces, don't fit
in anywhere. These are the kids who get bullied.
The mere presence of people who don't fit in challenge the groups
security, because teenaged kids don't really know who they are, but
they think they know that they don't want to be like the kid who
doesn't look, sound or behave like them. Plus, the behavior of small
groups of kids, tends to follow patterns of the larger groups of people
around them, and that would include groups of adults in the society at
large. Last time I checked, groups of adults in the world don't do a very
good job of welcoming or embracing differences in others. More often
than not groups or cultures have a pecking order as well and usually
try to kill off, destroy or exploit those that don't look or act like them.
At least, that's what I get from taking a look at history.
Regardless of whether that theory holds any water, what can a parent
do if their teen is the target of bullies or bullying behavior?
First, you can start making some appointments with teachers and
administrators at school. Do it discretely, make certain that you make
your initial contacts by phone and be sure to tell whomever it is that
you want to meet with that you want to do it in private and in a place
where you will not be seen or heard by the other students.
Second, when you meet with the teachers and administrators explain
that you are very upset that nothing is being done to protect the
physical or mental health of your child. Tell them that you would like to
give them a chance to address your concern before you explore what
you can do in the event that they do not believe they can do anything
about it.
Third, contact the school psychologist, counselor or social worker to
see if that person has any experience dealing with bullying and ask for
their help.
In the course of making contact with school professionals be prepared
for the possibility that they will tell you that your child might be doing
things to "egg on" or "induce" the behavior that is bothering him or her.
This is not always the case, but it often is. Why would a kid want to
encourage other kids to bully them? One reason is that when a child
who doesn't fit in is bullied by the "cool kids" it is a way of associating
with them, albeit in a sort of pathetic, masochistic way. If this is the
case you have to tell your teen that it is very harmful to them to keep
putting them in a position to be hurt by others.
Encourage your child to develop interests outside of school. Martial
arts study is a way I recommend that kids learn to protect their bodies
and their psyches--and in most good martial arts training programs
bullying is absolutely not tolerated, so your child will be around a group
of kids with a common theme and having appropriate contact with
them.
In some cases, teens who do not fit in with any social group can benefit
from a type of counseling called social skills training. You might even be
able to find a counselor who runs groups which focus on social skills.
In the most extreme cases, and as a measure of last resort when
teens are mercilessly attacked and bothered in school and no one is
willing to do anything about it, explore the possibility of switching
schools. It is inconvenient and might be expensive but it can be worth
the effort. Sometimes you can get the school's assistance on this,
especially if there are clear instances of bullying and you show you
mean business by consulting an attorney who can write a letter on your
behalf. This will only prove productive if you keep excellent records of
meetings, conversations and events that have happened at the school
and what was done or not done to be responsive to your concerns.
Whatever you decide, DO NOT encourage your child to go to school and
fight with the kids who are bullying them. This might work out from
time to time in the lower grades but in the upper grades it can make
things significantly worse for your teen, and could lead to serious
injury or expulsion from school. It's not a school yard scuffle in high
school--it is a violent exchange that can result in injury or death.
Over involvement in Fantasy Play or Computer Activities:
Teens have access to "virtual worlds" that did not exist ten or twenty
years ago. These virtual worlds are social networks built around
fantasy computer games or fantasy card games that are played by
millions of kids and adults all over the world. One key difference
between the modern fantasy games and "the old kind" of play activities
that kids and teens used to participate in is that today's fantasy
virtual reality type games don't have a beginning, middle or end. They
go on for weeks, months even years. As a result when kids get very
deeply into these games they develop parallel identities and patterns of
behavior--who they are in the "real world" and who they might be in
their fantasy or play world, whether they be wizards, warriors, dragon
fighters, soldiers, kings, emperors, or villains.
Of the millions of teens who play these types of games, by percentage,
very few develop problems around them. However, mental health
professionals are seeing isolated cases where the line between fantasy
and reality can become blurred and where teens lose track of their
responsibilities in real lives; and live more fully and completely in the
virtual game world.
One way of looking at the entire picture is to take a techo-centric point
of view. Computers are bringing people together the same way other
technologies (like phones and televisions) have brought people
together. In the future, perhaps we will all conduct major portions of
our lives in virtual worlds, so if a teen is having social success in his
computer generated world and it is giving him a feeling of social
success and personal accomplishment, where is the harm? The harm,
in my opinion, or at least the potential harm, is that the world that I
live in has not yet reached the point where living the most fulfilling part
of life in an artificial world can get you to a point where you can pay
your bills, get married or accomplish most of the things we want to see
our kids accomplish. Teens need success in the "real world," so I think
it is a wise parenting choice to limit your teen's fantasy play activity
until there is ample effort in every "world" they operate in by choice or
by necessity.
Being "on the internet" offers a whole separate set of challenges for
parents, but in a different and potentially even more dangerous way
than just having to worry about your kid staying up until three in the
morning fighting dragons and not being able to get up for school the
next day.
Teens use the computer:
(1) To communicate with their friends, much like the way teens used to
use their home phones.
(2) To study and do school work.
(3) For sexual gratification by viewing pornography, or by engaging in
sexually charged conversations in chat rooms with friends and often
strangers.
(4) To expand their social networks to people and places they would not
otherwise have an opportunity to connect with.
Has the computer changed the way kids behave socially? Absolutely. It
is not just an extension of the telephone as some have suggested. The
telephone has always been a one-to-one communication device. The
internet is a one-to-many communication device and the type of
communication that kids engage in is far more complex than on phone
conversations. Since kids are communicating in the context of a group
there is more of a need to show off, trade social power and gain group
approval. The use of nicknames and the possibility of anonymity permit
the opportunity for kids to experiment more with what they say and
do, so boundaries and limits are more likely to be pushed.
Text based chats are naturally evolving to include audio and video and
this can lead some teens to be more exhibitionistic than they normally
would be. The rather common behavior of teens "daring" others to push
certain limits is popping up in the form of naked pictures or pictures of
the peer group drunk, stoned or having sex at parties. All of this
behavior also promises the added kick of believing parents can't find
out because most parents are not very computer savvy. The irony is
that it wouldn't take parents more than an hour or two to run rings
around what their kids are doing with the right instruction, and that
instruction is coming up very soon in one of my next eBooks.
Teens look at a lot of porn on their computers. Is this any different
than looking at your father's girlie magazines growing up? Probably.
The amount of porn on the internet is staggering, the number of
pornographic pictures and movies available on the internet is in the
billions. Even if you take the position that some erotica has artistic
value and does not degrade women, it is unlikely that this is what your
teens are being stimulated by on the internet, and that's what makes it
different than the porn that was distributed to most kids twenty or
thirty years ago. It has long been known that violent sexual imagery
can have a negative impact on (male) thoughts and attitudes toward
women, and there is a ton of this type of material out there and free
for the viewing on the internet. Parents who want to raise responsible
kids should be concerned about that.
I am certain you have seen, heard or read about internet predators
who stalk the chat rooms looking for underaged victims. While you
cannot control the lies and manipulations of these sick and twisted
individuals you can and should talk to your teens about what kinds of
things they are chatting and writing about when someone makes a
suggestive comment to them in a chat room. Many predators tell their
victims they are older as part of what they do to attract younger kids.
Not only do we have to deal with these creepy people legally, we have to
examine the reasons why kids talk to them in the first place.
As I have said in other sections, it is tough for kids to get in trouble if
when they don't have the opportunity to. Here are some quick tips to
cut down on how the internet might adversely affect your teens:
(1) Keep the computer in a public area of the home.
(2) Learn how to use the parental controls on your computer. Install a
copy of Net Nanny or other pornography site blocking programs on
your computer
(3)Learn how to search the computer for stored movies, images, chat
logs and web sites visited.
(4}Tell your younger teens they can only upload and download pictures
with you sitting at the computer with them.
(5) Don't ever give your kids your credit card number for anything you
are not there to supervise yourself.
(6)Make sure you have a pop-up blocker installed on your computer.
Many pornographic web sites come to the attention of teens via
automatic advertisements called "pop ups" which can appear at random
from almost any web site if a special program that blocks them has
not been installed.
(7) Sex might be an uncomfortable topic to you, but I can assure you
that the consequences of not talking about sex, internet related or
otherwise, will be more uncomfortable. Be direct with your teens when
they want more than you are willing to give them. If your kid wants to
know why they can't have a computer in their room say, "There's too
much sexual content on the internet and I want the computer to be in a
public place so I can see what's going on." If your kids say, "Why can't I
chat with my friends in private?" say, "You can chat with your friends
all you want in private on the phone or at school. At home you will have
to chat where the computer is, and the computer is in the living room."
Parents, by the way, should also be aware that teens can chat from
their cell phones.
There comes a point in time when all kids want a computer in their
room or their own laptop. They will of course tell you that they need it
for school. Of course they do. Try this. Tell your teen you will consider
buying them a computer for school if:
(1) You can use it when they are not around.
(2) You can install a program that tracks everything they do on the
computer.
Having a computer in your room today is the equivalent of what having
a television in your room was back in the dark ages, of the 60's 70's
and 80's. Kids want them in, parents want them out. Now teens want
"media centers" in their rooms, and lots of parents fall right in line and
spend thousands of dollars on them.
And, the best is yet to come. Technologies are converging and getting
smaller. Phones, cameras, games, chat devices, internet connectivity
are all being stuffed into tiny little packages that will be even harder to
parents to monitor.
In the next chapter we will take a look at what happens when, despite
your best efforts to manage your teen and influence him or her
positively, things are still heading in the wrong direction.
Section Four: When All Else Fails is Tough
Love the Right Choice?
So we've gone through prevention and we've talked about "discipline by
natural consequence" and then followed with action plans for difficult
situations. What happens when things at home hit rock bottom and
your teen is beyond yours or anyone else's control? It happens much
more frequently than you might think and often involves drug
addiction, stealing from the family, serious problems with the law,
parent abuse, and other out of control behavior.
When parents have tried setting down rules, talking, discipline by
consequence, and counseling; and things are getting worse not better,
parents might consider an option called "tough love."
Tough love is an intervention which might utilize one or more of the
following interventions:
(1) Sending kids to special schools or residential environments.
(2) Sending drug involved kids to inpatient rehabilitation programs.
(3) Seeking assistance from the Family Court by filing a petition or
lawsuit asking for the Court's help in managing a teen's behavior.
Depending on what state you live in this might involve the Department
of Probation, The Department of Social Services, The Family Court, the
Police Department or a combination of all or some of these services.
This is one if the most emotionally difficult steps a parent can take to
get a teen's behavior in control.
(4) If your teen is old enough to be emancipated (of legal age to take
care of him or herself) a family intervention which essentially involves
banishing the teen from contact with the family and kicking him or her
out of the house until they prove they can get it together enough to
come back and behave in a more appropriate way.
Parents should never attempt a "tough love" intervention without help
or a lot of information. Here is a quick link to a summary of
information about "tough love."
http://www.howtodothings.com/family-and-relationships/a2733-howto-learn-about-tough-love-parenting.html
You can find more resources on tough love in the resources chapter of
this eBook.
"Tough Love" approaches are controversial. Critics of tough love thinks
its, well, too tough. I have been through enough rough times with
families to have concluded it is not too tough, especially when the
behavior of one family member is making the lives of every one else in
the family miserable. Using tough love strategies are a very personal
decision that should be done lots of research, consideration and help.
Section Five: Getting Help
There are three stumbling blocks to parents getting the best possible
help there is for problems with teens.
(1) It has been my experience that when people get to the point of
being overly frustrated, they want someone to swoop down, take over
and help their family. This won't happen. After you decide to look for
help, you've got a long term project to attend to and you are going to
be the leader of that project at least until the family is in a pattern of
getting the help they need. When people write to me and ask me for
help I can tell when they are most frustrated because the question is
general and the request for help is vague: "Dr. Favaro, my teen is
angry and out of control. Please help me." I get emails like this
sometimes dozens of times a week, but there is very little I can do
directly, especially considering the fact that I am usually nowhere in
the vicinity to help.
Fortunately, there are usually plenty of people in your vicinity who will
sit down, speak to you face-to-face, give you support, and help get you
to the next place.
Start with contacting your primary care physician, your child's
pediatrician, the school social worker or psychologist, the school
counselor, your local yellow pages (look under "community mental
health"), your local hospital's information center, your priest, minister
or rabbi, friends who have gone through the same thing and these are
the reasonable starting points.
If there is a situation that causing concern for the immediate health
and safety of your child. If your child is threatening to do something
harmful to themselves or someone else (including you) call 911.
Low cost or no cost forms of help are often available by contacting the
Department of Social Services in your state. Community mental health
centers also provide low or no cost counseling and/or support groups
for parents. So do local hospitals and parenting centers. Look under
"mental health," "counseling," "family counseling" or "community mental
health," in your local yellow pages.
For some reasons, when parents ask me for help and I give them this
information they don't always act on it, when all it takes in most cases
is making an hour or two of telephone calls, and in today's day and age
almost everyone can do that, especially if it means saving your teen's
life.
Remember, no one should care about getting help as much as you
should.
(3) The second stumbling block to getting good help is that it can be
tough, even impossible to get your teen to participate. Ironically, when
teens make good connections to counseling and other forms of help,
my experience is that they stick to it.
As a parent you have to be willing to bring up the topic of counseling,
more than once. Teens are more than aware of their own pain and
suffering and sometimes it's a question of the pain of their problems
becoming more unbearable to them than the pain of finding the
solutions to those problems.
Never, use counseling as a punishment as in, "If you don't get your act
together I am going to send you to counseling." That is just about the
most effective way I can think of for you to sabotage the possibility of
getting help for your kid.
Always, present the idea of counseling as something "we" have to do
and not something "you (the teen)" has to do. Teens can think that a
parent who requests that they go for counseling is giving up on them.
You will want to make sure they know that "everyone" needs help
figuring out how to get along better, and how to make sure that
everyone in the family is moving to a better place.
(3) It is sometimes hard to find a good counselor. There are good
counselors out there and there are counselors and helping
professionals who can do more harm than good. A personal
recommendation or referral is usually the best way to maximize your
efforts to get good help. Part of the problem with determining whether
or not the quality of care you are getting is good, is that often times
therapists and counselors tell you things you don't necessarily want to
hear or act on. That's not necessarily bad counseling--sometimes its
poor motivation, stubbornness or resistance on your part. Whenever a
counselor tells you something that doesn't feel or sound right, express
your feelings or concerns about it. If the counselor is not willing to
take a break to discuss those feelings or concerns then it is probably
time to find a different counselor. Any time a counselor yells at or
bullies you think about trying someone with a different approach.
Please keep in mind yelling and bullying is different than "confronting."
A therapist can tell you something you don't want to hear in a sensitive
and gentle way. A good gauge to tell the difference between
appropriate confrontation and bullying is the counselors response to
you bringing up the topic. If he or she gets nasty or defensive look
elsewhere,
Resource List
Alanon/Alateen - An organization devoted to helping sonfront and solve alcohol
problems in teens.
1-888-4AL-ANON
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Alcoholics Anonymous - The most widely available free alcohol counseling
group in the world.
http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Clearinghouse for Alcohol and
Drug Information.
http://ncadi.samhsa.gov/
American Council on Alcoholism
1-800-527-5344 Treatment Referral Line
Adult Children of Alcoholics ~ 12-Step, 12-Tradition program of women and
men who grew up in alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional homes.
Al-Anon and Alateen Family Group Headquarters, 1-888-4-AL-ANON ~ Helps
families and friends of alcoholics recover from the effects of living with the
problem drinking of a relative or friend.
Alcoholics Anonymous ~ AA is an international fellowship of men and women
who have had a drinking problem. It is nonprofessional, self-supporting,
nondenominational, multiracial, apolitical, and available almost everywhere.
Because I Love You Parent Support Groups, 818-884-8242 ~ This nonprofit,
self-help organization helps and supports parents with children who are
abusing substances, not attending school on regular basis, have been verbally
or physically abusive, as well as other problems.
Chemically Dependent Anonymous ~ 12-step fellowship that does not make
distinctions in the recovery process based on any particular substance,
believing that the addictive-compulsive usage of chemicals is the core of
addictive disease and the use of any mood-changing chemical will result in
relapse.
Christian Recovery International ~ A coalition of ministries dedicated to helping
the Christian community become a safe and helpful place for people
recovering from addiction, abuse or trauma.
Cocaine Anonymous, 310-559-5833 ~ 12-step recovery to individuals who are
suffering from cocaine addiction.
Co-Dependents Anonymous ~ A fellowship of men and women whose
common purpose is to develop healthy relationships through the 12 Steps and
12 Traditions.
Compassionate Friends, 1-877-969-0010 ~ National self-help support
organization that offers friendship and understanding to bereaved parents,
grandparents and siblings. There is no religious affiliation and there are no
membership dues or fees.
Deaf and Hard-of-Hearing AA 12 Step Recovery Resources ~ Includes AA 12
Step Meetings in U.S. and Canada, AA Online Meetings, and Recovery Events
DEPRESSION AND BIPOLAR SUPPORT ALLIANCE
Education, research, advocacy, and support
1-800-826-3632
Depressed Anonymous, 502-569-1989 ~ A 12-step fellowship for the men,
women, and children whose lives have been affected by a family member's
depression.
Dual Recovery Anonymous, 1-877-883-2332 ~ 12-step, self-help organization
for people with a dual diagnosis -- those who are chemically dependent and
have an emotional or psychiatric illness.
Eating Disorders Anonymous ~ 12-step group based on the steps, traditions
and principles of Alcoholics Anonymous that believes people can and do fully
recover from their
Families Anonymous, 1-800-736-9805 ~ 12-step, self-help, recovery and
support fellowship for families and friends concerned about a loved one's past,
present or suspected use of drugs or alcohol, and/or behavior-related
problems.
JACS: Jewish Alcoholics, Chemically Dependent Persons and Significant
Others ~ Exploring resources and values within Judaism to enhance recovery.
Marijuana Anonymous World Services, 1-800-766-6779 ~ 12-step recovery
fellowship.
Nicotine Anonymous ~ 12- step fellowship of men and women helping each
other live nicotine-free lives.
Obsessive-Compulsive Anonymous, 516-739-0662 ~ 12-step fellowship of
people who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they
may solve their common problem and help others to recover from OCD.
Overeaters Anonymous, 505-891-2664 ~ 12-step fellowship of men and
women from all walks of life who meet in order to help solve a common
problem -- compulsive overeating.
Parents Anonymous, 909-621-6184 ~ This family-strengthening and support
program encourages all parents to ask for help early, whatever their
circumstances, to effectively break the cycle of abuse to protect today's children
and strengthen tomorrow's generation of parents.
Parents Without Partners, 561-391-8833 ~ Provides single parents and their
children with an opportunity for enhancing personal growth, self-confidence
and sensitivity towards others by offering an environment for support, friendship
and the exchange of parenting techniques.
Prescription Anonymous (RxA) ~ Support for people who are afflicted or affected
by prescription addiction, including over-the-counter medicines.
Recoveries Anonymous ~ 12-step fellowship formed to offer support to anyone,
with any self-destructive or dysfunctional problem.
Smart RecoveryÆ, 1-866-951-5357 ~ Face-to-face and online mutual help
groups to help people recover from all types of addictive behaviors, including:
alcoholism, drug abuse, substance abuse, drug addiction, alcohol abuse,
gambling addiction, cocaine addiction, and addiction to other substances and
activities. SMART is an alternative to Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics
Anonymous.
Survivors of Suicide Support Groups ~ The American Association of Suicidology
provides a directory listing of survivor support groups throughout the United
States and Canada.
Directory of Family Help Services by State - an excellent web resource for
starting to look for help in your state.
http://www.focusas.com/Directory.html
American Psychological Association - help in finding a referral for counseling
and psychotherapy.
750 First Street NE
Washington, DC 20002
Phone: 1-800-964-2000 or 202-336-5700
Fax: 202-336-5708
American Psychiatric Association - psychiatric help in finding a referral for
psychiatric services.
1400 K Street NW
Washington, DC 20005
Phone: 202-682-6000
Fax: 202-682-6850
National Association of Social Workers
750 First Street NE, Suite 700
Washington, DC 20002
Phone: 1-800-638-8799
Volunteers in Psychotherapy (VIP)
Richard Shulman, Director
7 South Main Street
West Hartford, Connecticut 06107
Phone: 860-233-5115
E-mail
Please check www.needttenhelp.com for more information and resource links.
Section Six: Are You a Better Parent Yet?
I certainly hope that as a result of reading or hearing about the
challenges involved in raising a teen in today's difficult world; and
educating yourself on some basic strategies for dealing with teens, you
believe you are better equipped to do the very hard and sometimes
thankless task or being a parent to a teen.
Remember that "race against the clock" I started off with? Teenaged
kids, when left to their own devices can often lose than race. Patience,
information, a firm set of values and rules for kids to live by, giving
your teen the opportunity to earn privileges by respecting themselves
and others, and parents who prepare themselves with action plans for
dealing with tough situations are what is needed to help them win it.
Please stop by www.needteenhelp.com and drop us a line to let me know how
you are doing. If there is an article or piece of information I can provide to help
out, I'll try to post it there. Please don't expect individual, personal help or
counseling at needteenhelp.com. The site is an informational resource not a
counseling center. Hopefully, as the site grows we will be able to develop a
network of helping professionals that you will be able to reach out to in your
area.