1. family and parenting
2. adoption

How
to
Raise
Your
are your parents
from a Different
Planet?
This guide will give you the tools you need to
begin raising your parents the right way —
according to God’s principles in the Bible. It’s
a fun and meaningful look at this very
important area of life.
This resource is available as a free download from AbsoluteTruth.Net.
Parents
The Art
and
Science
of
Parental
Guidance
Daniel W. Jarvis
www.AbsoluteTruth.net
#7: Prepare to care for your
parents as they have cared
for you.
How to Raise Your Parents
is a guide for teens that wonder how they got placed in
the same house with two people they don’t understand,
rarely agree with, and often wonder about.
In this guide, you’ll get the basics on parent-raising,
understanding, and even some tips on how to have a
successful family yourself someday. And more, it’s all
based on Biblical principles — the Creator’s “blueprint”
for how the family unit is supposed to work.
This resource is dedicated to my parents, whom I’ve been
raising for over twenty-five years,
with at least some success.
© Daniel W. Jarvis / AbsoluteTruth.Net. This resource is available as
a free download from AbsoluteTruth.Net/Resources. All rights
reserved. Permission to copy and distribute is granted, provided
proper credit is given. Special thanks to Life Action Ministries
(www.LifeAction.org) for some of the concepts presented in this
resource.
Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION ®.Copyright © 1973,
1978, 1984 International Bible Society. All rights reserved throughout the world. Used by
permission of International Bible Society. NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION® and NIV® are
registered trademarks of International Bible Society.
When Mom and Dad get older, it’s not the government’s
job to take care of them, it’s yours. Take that responsibility
seriously. After all, the Bible puts it this way: “If anyone
does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than
an unbeliever” (1 Tim. 5:8). In other words, if you don’t
care for your parents, your religion is a joke. You probably
don’t have to think about this quite yet, but
be prepared for the fact that someday your
parents may need you. You can honor
them by planning ahead for this, and making sure that you pay attention to them after you’ve started your own family.
Conclusion
The decision to honor your parents is one of the most important choices you’ll ever make. It’s God’s plan for your
life to honor your parents, and if you don’t start with that,
you may miss out on many good things in the future.
Pray for God’s help as you seek to “raise your parents” to a
new level of honor in your own heart, and for courage to do
the right thing even when it is difficult.
For more insight into raising your parents, read the book of
Proverbs in the Bible.
AbsoluteTruth.Net 21
#5: Listen to and Obey Them.
It’s the simple things that count. When your parents are
talking to you, listen carefully. Do what they say. Take
their advice. Try to understand why they are saying what
they are, instead of talking back. In fact, just decide that
you’ll never talk back or roll your eyes. Life is better that
way. Here’s a simple definition of the word “obedience”
— doing exactly what you’re told to do, when you’re told to
do it, with the right heart attitude.
Practical Tip: Ask your mom or dad if there is anything they have asked you to do that you’ve forgotten about. Then, do it.
#6: Never badmouth them.
I know how it works. You’ve got a friend over or you’re on
the phone when suddenly your parent does one of those
alien things and really messes
up your plans. It’s easy to vent
to your friend about how silly the
rules are, or how frustrated you
are. Instead, make a decision
that you’ll never say negative
things about your parents to
other people. Treat them with
honor even when they aren’t
around.
Practical Tip: If your friends start badmouthing
their parents, say something like this: “I for one
am glad I’ve got my parents. They’ve done a lot
for me.” That is sure to change the discussion!
Section 1:
Interplanetary
Understandings
You know the scenario. An alien race is visiting Earth for
the first time, but every attempt to communicate with
them is viewed as hostility, and what began as a friendly
encounter ends up in an all-out battle for survival.
Of course, all of us who’ve lived through the ages of
11-18+ know the feeling, don’t we?
That’s because, of all the people in the
world, our parents are the ones we have
to live with, and our parents are the ones
that often seem like they are from another
world. (Of course, technically, it would be
us invading their world, but let’s forget
about that for right now.)
Before we get to the details, take a few moments to
make two lists.
If you were a parent yourself, what
would you like about the job, and
what would you hate?
Before you answer, I realize that this involves some creative thinking, and that when you’ve got a nasty whitehead
bulging on your nose and driver’s ed to practice for, parenting is probably the last thing on your mind. But just
for the sake of intergalactic peace, turn the page and
write down some of your thoughts.
20 How to Raise Your Parents
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If you were a parent yourself, what would
you like about the job? ________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
And what would you hate? _____________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
Now, list a few good things your
parents have done for you.
No negatives allowed on this list...just good
stuff you can remember, even simple
things.________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
2 How to Raise Your Parents
#3: Make Their Jobs Easier.
As we considered in Section 1, there are parts of the job
that aren’t easy for Mom and Dad. Respect them, do
what you can to help them out. When their lives are easier and less stressful, your life is better. It’s true. Whatever you can do to “serve” your parents is a neat way to
show honor.
Practical Tip: Do something for your mom or dad
before they ask you to do it. Or, do something
that they normally would have to do, like cleaning
or yard work, without even telling them. Just do it
to make their job easier that day!
#4: Have a Good Attitude.
Believe it or not, your parents have feelings. Why not
treat them to a good attitude? If they make a decision,
choose to be happy with it. Look at the bright side of
things. It’s a proven fact that people with good attitudes
have more good things happen to them, and they enjoy
life more. Try it.
Practical Tip: Today, decide to
have a good attitude for the
next 24 hours. No complaining, begging, whining, or whatever else you do bad. Say only
positive things, and if your siblings say something negative,
just ignore it or talk about the
bright side.
AbsoluteTruth.Net 19
#1: Express love to them.
The highest form of honor is love. If you love a person, it
means that you care more about their needs than you
care about your own. So, when it comes to your parents,
love them! Choose to put their needs above your own, so
that life isn’t all about what you want and what you need.
Instead you think about how they feel—what they might
want or need. Love takes the emphasis off of yourself
and puts it on another person — in this case, your parent.
Practical Tip: Tell them you love them. Don’t ask
for anything or have a motive...just say, “Mom or
Dad, I want you to know that I love you. It’s just
important to me that you know that.”
#2: Say Thank You Often.
Your parents actually do quite a bit for you, if you think
about it. First, they give you life. Your mom goes through
all the pain and agony of having you, and then they take
care of you. If you’re living with your parents right now,
then they are paying for tons of stuff that you don’t even
realize that helps give you the life you have. Always say
thank you, even if it seems like overkill. Thank you for
the meal. Thank you for the ride. Thank you for the $20.
Whatever it is. Say thanks.
Practical Tip: Write a thank you note to your parents. It’s easy to do. It’ll only take 10 minutes,
but it’s a great way to honor them. Just say thank
you for everything you can think of that they’ve
done for you lately.
Good. Now, let’s not forget those things as we move
along in our strategy toward parent-raising.
It is helpful, even if you feel like your parents
are your worst enemy, to remember the good
things. After all, they did give you life, and
that’s a good thing. So they do deserve
some thanks for that, wouldn't you say?
I’m aware that many of you feel your parents are less
than ideal. I understand. So are mine. In fact, there is
no such thing as the perfect parent (except for on T.V., I
suppose).
There’ve been many times that I’ve been frustrated, disappointed, and even angry with my parents. But it was
impossible to start raising them right until I got over it
and began to look at things with a different attitude. The
same will be true for you, I’m sure.
When it comes to my parents, I feel
q Happy with them, no major complaints.
q Frustrated sometimes, but I’m doing OK.
q Totally out-of-my-mind frustrated.
When it comes to my father specifically, I feel
q
q
q
q
Great. I love him and have a great time with him.
Indifferent. He doesn't spend much time with me.
Careless. I don’t like him much at all.
Nothing. I don’t know him hardly at all.
When it comes to my mother specifically, I feel
q
q
q
q
Great. I’m really happy she’s my mom.
Indifferent. She doesn't spend much time with me.
Careless. I don’t like her, but I manage.
Nothing. I don’t know her very well.
18 How to Raise Your Parents
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To best understand our parents, it’s important to learn
what their job actually is, and what our responsibility is as
well. Some of it might sound simple, but a lot of this is
stuff people talk about but rarely do. Here are some
“family job descriptions” that are based on God’s principles in the Bible.
Job Description: Dad
(aka. father, pops, daddy, old man)
- primary provider for the family
- protector of wife and children
- final decision-maker
- responsible for family before God
- in charge of discipline
- required to help & love his wife
- in charge of loving and training his children
- teaching children to follow God’s Word
- leadership by example
- setting the vision/direction for the family
Job Description: MOM
(aka. mother, ma, maw, mummy, mommy)
- primary home caretaker
- nurturing and comforting
- guiding and teaching
- following leadership of husband, loving children
- supporting & assisting the husband
- involvement in kids lives & education
- influence for good
- helping husband with discipline
- keeping home in order
Obviously, in situations where only one parent is at home,
or where sad circumstances have separated the family,
parents have to assume the role of the other spouse.
Both parents are equally important, and if everyone accomplishes their job description, the family can function
as God originally intended. Even your family, with those
alien parents.
4 How to Raise Your Parents
Section 5:
PUTTING IT INTO
PRACTICE
The Bible talks about a person who hears God’s message
and then doesn’t follow it. Here’s the quote: “Do not
merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do
what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not
do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a
mirror and, after looking at himself,
goes away and immediately forgets
what he looks like. But the man who
looks intently into the perfect law
that gives freedom, and continues to
do this, not forgetting what he has
heard, but doing it—he will be
blessed in what he does” (James
1:22-25).
If you’ve gotten this far in How to Raise Your Parents, you
must be serious about what you’re reading. You know
that you should begin to honor your parents, and you’re
wondering exactly how to do it. Great. But be sure that
you follow through. Don’t be like the guy who looks at his
face in the mirror, discovers it is dirty, and then does
nothing!
The Bible was written to be obeyed,
not just read.
While there are many ways to honor your parents every
day, I’ve compiled a list of seven basics that can get you
started, plus a few practical ideas to try.
AbsoluteTruth.Net 17
What about after my parents die?
You never need to stop honoring them, even after they
are long gone. Tell your children stories about them,
thank God for them, and honor their memory. Try to pass
on what they taught you to your own children.
What if my parents have hurt me somehow?
The first step is what the Bible calls forgiveness, which
means that you choose to love the person even if he/she
does evil things.
If a parent is hurting you physically or sexually, you
should definitely talk to a church or school leader. If your
parent does those types of things, he/she is breaking
God’s laws and is rebelling against his/her authorities. It
is not right to let them continue to hurt you and break the
law. There are many people who have been in your situation, and there is hope for a better life—but no one can
help you if no one knows.
If the hurt is more internal, like a broken promise or hurtful words, you should choose to forgive your parent and
try to love them even though they did those things. (To
learn about forgiveness, read Matthew 18:21-35 in the
Bible.)
What if I’ve already dishonored my parents?
Today is the day to begin a new type of life. Ask God to
help you begin honoring your parents. Confess your sin
of breaking the fifth of the Ten Commandments, and
then read the next section, which explains how to honor
your mom and dad. Then, ask your parents to forgive you
for not honoring them properly. You can say it just that
way: “Mom / Dad, I need to ask you to forgive me because I’ve not been honoring and obeying you the way
the Bible says I should. Would you forgive me? I’m going
to try to do better.”
16 How to Raise Your Parents
Sometimes the world we live in tries to redefine these job
descriptions. We should remember that as the “Maker,”
God knows how things should work the best. Following
His plan for life makes a lot more sense than doing it a
different way.
What about your job?
Job Description: THE KID
(aka. billy, child, little brat, stink-pot, etc.)
- being obedient to parents
- loving parents, honoring them
- caring for brothers & sisters
- learning and preparing for life
- maintaining a good attitude
- helping around house however possible
- serving “on the team” with parents
- seeking approval of parents for major life decisions
- getting to know God, learning character
Job Description: THE GROWN KID
(aka. survivor)
- honoring parents
- listening to advice, being kind and never rebellious
- assisting/caring for mom & dad in old age
- helping parents with younger siblings
- being prepared to help mom & dad financially if needed
- keeping parents involved in your new family
Yes, the jobs never end. It’s true. Whenever the Bible
addresses the parent-child or parent-teen relationship, it
never puts an age limit on what we’re supposed to do.
Parenting, and being someone’s child, is indeed a lifelong task. So you might as well get used to it.
And if you’re smart, you’ll get good at it.
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Section 2:
Raising Parents
God’s Way
The story is told of a man with a violin who was speaking
to a large crowd. He handed the violin to the first row of
people, telling them to check it out and pass it along.
People did, half-heartedly, as it was an old, broken, junky
looking violin. As it made its way through the crowd, the
man suddenly asked that everyone pause. He said, “That
violin is a special brand, and even though it is in poor
condition, it is worth tens of thousands of dollars.”
There was a moment of silence, as everyone started to
realize how important this instrument was. Now, people
began passing it along very carefully, looking at it intently,
and treating it with great care.
Before, it was just a lousy
violin with no value to anyone, and now, it was being
treated like the crown jewels
of England. Why?
Because the value of the
violin was raised.
Well, it was always valuable
to begin with, of course, but
the people didn’t know that. Once they realized how
valuable it really was, they started giving it the honor it
should have had from the beginning.
In the Bible, God gave humanity ten basic moral laws to
live by. Interestingly, just before “Don’t murder” and
“Don’t steal,” we find this commandment:
What if my parents ask me to do something
against the Bible?
The only time the Bible seems to allow disobedience to
authority is when that authority is enforcing wrong laws
that go against God. If your parents ask you to do things
that are sinful, first, make an appeal. If they still insist
that you do wrong, you’ll need to disobey them, not God.
If one of your parents is asking you to do things you know
are wrong, you should seek the counsel of a church
leader or trusted adult friend, like a teacher.
What if my parent is overprotective?
All kids say their parents are overprotective, but if you
feel like you’re living in a bubble, you could always make
an appeal, or talk to your other parent for some ideas.
(Often, dads are more reasonable in this regard). But,
your job is to honor them, even if they do have some silly
rules for you to follow that no one else has. Just obey,
and know that God will reward you for doing the right
thing.
What if I only have one parent in my home?
Do everything you can to help that parent. Whatever it is
that separated your parents, I’m sure it causes some
pain and sorrow for your mom or dad who is with you
now. Pray for them, and try to be positive. And never talk
bad about the other parent—you still need to honor that
person, even if they don’t deserve it or if you don’t know
them that well. Try to support and encourage your parents however you can.
What if I’m adopted and don’t know my birth-parents?
Remember that the parents who raised you and love you
are, in God’s eyes, the parents you are responsible to
love and honor. If someday it is possible to meet your
birthparents, that may be O.K., but your responsibility is
still to obey and honor the parents who raised you.
AbsoluteTruth.Net 15
6 How to Raise Your Parents
Section 4:
Questions
Everybody
Wonders about
So we know that in the ideal world we should be honoring
our parents according to Biblical standards, but the real
truth is that none of us live in the ideal world. Here are
some questions I know you’re wondering about:
What if I disagree with my parents?
Ultimately, you’ll have to submit to them. There is a biblical principle of making an appeal, which involves respectfully offering a different solution/idea, etc. But, if they
reject your appeal on the issue, you need to obey them.
What if my parents have problems?
All parents have problems. Try to be a blessing to them,
not a curse. If they aren’t fulfilling their “job descriptions”
to you or to one another, you might not be able to help it.
But you can fulfill yours. And that won’t hurt. Pray for
your parents, and if things get bad, you can always ask
an adult friend you trust for some counsel.
What if my parents aren’t
Christians?
You should pray for them. You
honoring them will be a great
witness to show them how God
can change people’s lives and
attitudes. You should still obey
them, though, and honor their
decisions.
“Honor your father and your mother, so
that you may live long…” (Exodus 20:12).
So, according to the Ten
Commandments, our parents are
to be honored. Just like the violin,
we have to realize how valuable
they really are, so that we can
give them the honor they deserve.
Wait a minute! I thought this
book was about raising my parents, not honoring them!
It is indeed. You have to raise them to a level of honor in
your heart. That’s what it means to raise your parents.
Raise their honor?
That’s right. Some of us have treated our parents like
the people in the first row treated that violin. Like trash.
We’ve ignored them. We’ve not paid attention to them.
We’ve tossed them aside. We’ve talked behind their
backs. We’ve made fun of them in front of our friends.
We don’t even begin to realize how valuable they really
are. And we’ve broken the fifth of God’s Ten Commandments.
But...what if my parents aren’t honorable. How can I
honor them when they don’t deserve it?
Good question. We’re going to get into that, so don’t
tune out yet. Instead, it’s time to get out your pencil and
do a little research. (Don’t worry, it’s not that bad. The
last thing I’d want to do is school-type work if I were you,
so we’ll keep it to a minimum. But if you want to get this
parent-raising deal down, you’ll need to put in a little
effort!)
14 How to Raise Your Parents
AbsoluteTruth.Net 7
A Super-Simple Bible Search
First, find Ephesians 6:1-4 and write down the responsibilities of children and of fathers. (It’s actually surprising
what it says to fathers.)
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
Now, find Romans 1:28-32. Notice that it mentions
“disobedient to parents” in the middle of this list. What
does that tell you about disobeying parents? Is it a big
deal, or not? _________________________________
(notice the things in the list around it...are they serious?)
In verse 32, what does it say people who do things like
that deserve? __________________________________
An awfully strict punishment, wouldn’t you say? But
that’s God’s decree. He designed families to operate a
certain way, and He sets the rules for our lives. Thankfully, we haven’t been struck down dead or anything yet.
But this tells me that the way I treat my parents is no
laughing matter. It’s not like I can just honor them when I
feel like it. God is really serious about this parent thing.
Here’s the good news, though. There are great blessings
for people who do the right thing — for people who obey
the fifth commandment. Look back at Ephesians 6:1-4
and write down the “promise” it mentions: ____________
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
8 How to Raise Your Parents
INTERESTING THING TO THINK ABOUT:
I’d never marry someone who didn’t honor
her parents. Neither should you.
Here’s why:
•
They clearly aren’t under the
“umbrella” of God’s protection, which means that they
most likely are going to face a
lot of problems and heartache
down the road.
•
They aren’t obeying the Ten
Commandments, which shows
that they don’t take God seriously, and thus, are definitely not the best choice for you. There are better
options out there.
•
They aren’t wise, and you don’t want to be stuck living
with a person who isn’t wise.
•
If they don’t honor their parents, then they don’t
honor other authorities well, either (which will result
in work problems, etc.).
•
When it comes to your marriage, they won’t honor
you. People almost always treat their wife/husband
the way they treated their parents (that comes after
the kissy-happy stage at the beginning of marriage).
•
If they can’t honor their parents, that person’s kids
aren’t going to honor them. And if those kids are
yours as well, then you’re going to have rebellious,
yucky kids to deal with for the rest of your life. And
that is no fun at all.
AbsoluteTruth.Net 13
You might decide not to bother with the umbrella. O.K.,
but first, understand the consequences:
Here are 12 other great reasons to honor your parents,
besides the fact that God commands it.
•
“Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling
against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring
judgment on themselves” (Romans 13:2).
1. Life is easier for people who obey their parents.
“The eye that mocks a father, that scorns obedience to a
mother, will be pecked out by the ravens of the valley, will be
eaten by the vultures” (Proverbs 30:17).
3. You get the benefit of protection.*
•
You see, to rebel against your parents is to rebel against
God. There’s no middle ground.
You ask, “How do they protect me?”
1. Spiritual protection. Your parents, even if they aren’t
believers, are in a position of authority over you. God
expects you to honor them, and will often guide you
through their counsel or rules.
2. Physical protection. Obviously, you need a place to
live and someone to watch out for you, especially
when you’re younger.
3. Stupid-choices protection. The story is repeated overand-over again. A rebellious teenager gets in with the
wrong crowd, or starts dating a guy her parents don’t
approve of. Rather than stay under the “umbrella” of
protection her parents are offering, she steps out to
do her own thing. In almost every case, her life gets
ruined, and all her dreams come crashing down. Her
parents weren’t trying to “restrict” her, they were doing their job. She wasn’t doing hers, though. This
also goes for teens who want to buy cars, or go
places, or have certain friends, etc. Almost always,
your parents are going to be at least mostly right
about things like this. Don’t think you know better.
Use the umbrella if you want a good life.
2. Life is less stressful.
4. You get the benefit of God’s blessing.
5. You have a happy day-to-day life.
6. You set a good example for your brothers and sisters.
7. Your kids will respect you someday if you respect your
parents today.
8. People who are nice to their parents get more blessings and help from their parents throughout life.
9. Instead of battling with your parents, you can work
with them to do cool, meaningful things.
10. People who honor their parents are well-respected by
others. (They wish that they felt that way about their
parents!)
11. When you start to honor your parents, they can trust
you more to do the right thing, which means you’ll
probably enjoy less rules and more freedom.
12. You can look forward to going home each day instead
of dreading it.
*. See next section for details.
12 How to Raise Your Parents
AbsoluteTruth.Net 9
Imagine that you found a wallet in a park with no I.D. You
take it to the police, and they tell you to keep it. As you
are looking into the folds, you find 50 cents.
Would you value that wallet? Would you be thrilled out of
your mind? Would you say, “This is the luckiest day of my
entire life?”
Probably not. But what if, upon continued
searching, you found folded up in that wallet ten $100 bills?
That would change the story a little,
wouldn’t it? Your heart would most likely
skip a beat. You’d look around, from side to side, to see
if anyone is there. After realizing the coast is clear, you
begin jumping up and down frantically, looking toward
the sky and shouting, “Thank you! Thank you!”
Well, that’s what you’d do if you were dramatic.
But the value of the wallet matters, doesn’t it. If you
don’t realize how important it is, you don’t honor it.
Could it be that your parents are a lot more valuable than
you realize, but you’ve just not taken the time to think
about it that way? Most likely, your parents do care
about you, at least at some level. They aren’t valuable
because of what they do, they’re valuable because God
made them your parents (actually, He made you their
child).
That wasn’t a mistake. God can use your parents to
guide your life. You can even be good friends with your
parents someday. Begin to honor them — and you’ll see
some big changes in your home. You’ll be raising your
parents the right way.
10 How to Raise Your Parents
Section 3:
To Serve and
Protect
Did you know that the old police motto, “to serve and protect” actually relates to all the authorities in your life?
It’s true. From the top government leader to the school
teacher, to your parentile units, God has designed authorities to serve and protect you.
Here’s the idea. Imagine an umbrella that protects you
from the rain. If you step out from under the umbrella,
you’ll get soaked.
Authorities, especially parents, are like God’s “umbrella”
of protection for you. They are there to protect you from
the “rain” of bad choices, spiritual attacks, evil in general, and even some people or friends that could destroy
us. If you step out from under that umbrella of authority,
you expose yourself to all sorts of dangers that could destroy your life forever.
How does authority protect and serve you? By guiding
your life in the right direction, giving you rules to live by,
and helping you
learn how to make
the right decisions.
Sometimes this
process isn’t fun,
but it’s the best for
you.
In the long run,
you’re glad for the
umbrella.
AbsoluteTruth.Net 11