1. society
2. social institution
3. divorce

HOW TO SURVIVE BEING DUMPED
A Handbook for People Whose Spouses Leave Them for Another
by
Jann McCormick
© Jann McCormick, 1986
TABLE OF CONTENTS
TITLE PAGE
DISCLAIMER
BIO
DEDICATION AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
CHAPTER
PAGE
INTRODUCTION
1
TAKING CARE OF YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS (WOMEN)
4
TAKING CARE OF YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS (MEN)
10
GETTING PROPER THERAPY
13
THE REAL WORLD OF MONEY & THE DIVORCING WIFE
18
THE REAL WORLD OF MONEY & THE DIVORCING MAN
27
THE UNPREPARED WIFE
31
THE UNPREPARED HUSBAND
42
THE LEGAL SYSTEM & THE DIVORCING SPOUSE
45
WORKING WITH YOUR ATTORNEY
52
SOME OF THE LEGAL ISSUES IN DIVORCE
62
HER NEW BEGINNING
68
HIS NEW BEGINNING
80
This handbook is not intended to be a substitute for
legal advice or mental health counseling. Every divorce
case is different; each has its own particular circumstances. Every state is different; each has its own laws
and procedures. Our few legal references are valid only in
California, and are subject to change.
Our intention is to describe, very briefly, the way in
which general law principles work during the dissolution of
marriage, and to encourage divorcing spouses to hire
professional mental—emotional support and professional
legal services. We seek to remind people that they are not
alone in their muddled feelings, and that there are
emotional phases through which they can expect to travel
during this traumatic event in their lives.
It is our hope that people reach a peaceful state of
mind, and learn there is a good life, after divorce,
waiting for us to reach for it.
All names used in the body of this book are fictitious.
The events portrayed herein are from actual cases.
Jann M. McCormick, Ph.D.
Divorced when her youngest child was fifteen, Jann was
employed as a legal assistant. Participating in the legal
processing of her office's divorce clients, she has had
many views of the ramifications of dissolution, including
the overwhelming despair of long-term homemakers being
forced out of their life-time dreams into the real world of
low finance.
Jann enjoys her piano, guitars, organs, and
synthesizers, composes music, loves riding passenger on
motorcycles, and reads textbooks and spy novels for
relaxation.
She met two writing friends through her membership in
Mensa, and in discussions, learned that they all shared a
serious concern for the plight of divorcing and divorced
women. Unfortunately, they agreed, the middle-aged, dumped
homemaker finds it so difficult to deal with the ultimate
rejection, she often fails to deal with the very real
prospect of becoming a bag lady. This handbook is Jann’s
contribution toward providing hope for the future of men
and women who think they have no hope for happiness, and no
future.
Initially, this book was intended to be directed only
at women of lengthy marriages. However, at the law office
where Jann worked, the traffic of young, weeping men
increased exponentially. Ergo, it has made sense to
include the current trend of women dumping men.
There are many books that explain the entire legal
process of dissolution in each state. Rather than provide
volumes of information on California divorce proceedings,
this handbook concentrates on the emotional aspects of
divorce, and on the need for professionals (for your
emotional needs and your legal needs), regardless of the
rules in your state of residence.
DEDICATION
To women everywhere, whose indomitable spirits
and courage never cease to amaze us.
To American men, whose fortitude and valor gave
us a free country.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
There is no possible way to properly acknowledge all
those who have had a hand—knowingly or not—in the shaping
of this volume. The pages of this handbook were born out
of the suffering, the trying, the learning, and the
surviving of hundreds of men and women who shared their
lives with us. But those whose contributions we must take
special note of are Donald B. McCormick, Esq. and in the
area of Mental Health, the assistance of Violet Hall, Ph.D.
We give sincere thanks to the many men and women whose
lives took them through the morass of divorce and who
turned the pain of that experience into something positive.
We thank the sensitive young men who helped us to understand their mystique.
HOW TO SURVIVE BEING DUMPED
I WANT A DIVORCE
A Handbook for People Whose Spouses Leave Them for Another
"I want a divorce."
These words have just been
spoken to you by your husband. You have been married to
him for two decades or more. You are close to fifty. He
is leaving you. This man to whom you devoted your life-the man to whom you unstintingly gave your heart, your soul
and your body; the man you looked to for your identity,
your financial security, and the man in whom you invested
your dreams, your hopes and your future--is leaving you.
This scenario is played in homes the world over. Less
frequently, but more often now than in the past, it is the
wife who wants out of the marriage. She is weary of being
an unpaid slave; she is perhaps weary of being the whipping
boy" on whom her husband's anger and frustrations are
visited; she wants more control over her own life. Or she
has found somebody else.
A middle aged American woman is no longer the
attractive young girl she was when he proposed. Her
husband is dumping her--casting her out--and she feels like
a discard; sees herself as a useless, unwanted and unworthy
remnant of her former self. She feels completely alone.
If she has never worked outside the home, she is in an
especially vulnerable position. She is at the mercy of a
man who has come to dislike her and of a society that holds
the belief that the woman is responsible for the failed
marriage.
Women always hope. They hope that things will
improve; "If I love him enough and wait on him enough, he
will love me and we will always be happy together." When
he has an affair with another woman (often a younger
woman), the wife tells him he is forgiven and she tries to
put that painful episode behind her. All women know that
men sometimes stray, and it doesn't mean that they no
longer love their wives. But when he announces that he
wants to leave the marriage, the woman begs him to stay and
insists that she will be "a better wife." She is reduced
to sniveling, and he is filled with contempt for her. She
then really feels like her life is over.
The young husband who has struggled to take care of
his burgeoning family, secure in the knowledge that he has
the world by the tail, is devastated and perplexed when his
wife wants out of the marriage. He knows that his wife
will get custody of the small children, and that he won't
be able to interact with them when he wants. He knows that
his support obligation will barely allow him to survive.
It took two salaries to support the children and the lifestyle they had carved. Now, unless they embark on new
relationships with other partners who work, they will all
be reduced to poverty-level living.
Men have different issues to deal with than women, but
all the issues are difficult and painful. Men have an
unconscious proprietary interest in their spouses. Women
are their "possessions," and for another man to have
violated his "territory" is an unforgivable crime. The
woman is, then, "unclean," and he is caught between his
feelings of love for her and proprietorship of her.
There are frequently abuse issues that feed the flames
of discontent. It appears that Americans seem to be living
in an era wherein we all tell everything we know, and
everything is apparently "okay." We sometimes see spouses
leaving their marriages for new relationships with members
of the same sex. This is especially devastating to the
bereft spouse; a real slap-in-the-face. Same-sex relationships are thought by some to be an evil influence on young
children. Custody disputes, then, become even more
volatile than those cases wherein homosexuality is not an
issue.
We have hit on only a few parts of the despair felt by
every spouse who has ever been dumped. These are the
predictable and incredibly painful feelings of rejection,
uncertainty, anger, and fear. However understandable and
human such emotions are, they must not be allowed to go on
unchecked.
Societally, the woman of a lengthy, affluent marriage,
who has never worked outside the home, is more vulnerable
than most. She is incredibly naive about the workings of
the world; sometimes she becomes a "bag lady."
If a woman has been a wife for many years and is about
to be divorced, she needs all her wits about her. She
cannot afford the luxury of self-pity; she has not the time
to spend indulging in self recrimination. She cannot give
up, nor can she resign herself to lie upon the scrap-heap
and wait for the relief of death. She has to learn that
her survival - emotional and financial - is in her hands.
She has to get up! get out! and get going! Two essential
things she needs right now are: financial protection, and
emotional support. Both these needs must be attended to at
once, but this handbook will consider them one at a time.
First we will deal with emotional needs, and afterwards,
look to financial and legal needs.
Remember that these feelings of despair, of hopelessness and of unworthiness, are not set in stone. The dumped
spouse will, believe it or not, come to see that such
feelings are both unfair and temporary. Have faith; a
happiness greater than any that can now be imagined may be
waiting just around the corner.
TAKING CARE OF YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS
TO THE WOMEN:
The sage, Mary Blakely, described a divorce as the
"psychological equivalent of a triple coronary bypass."
We think she was right.
Your world has collapsed. You cannot believe the
words your husband uttered. Did he really say he wants a
divorce? That is impossible! Surely it was all a bad
dream. He was angry, upset--even sick. Perhaps he is
being deluded by an "affair." He will come to his senses;
he did not mean it. He really loves me. Our marriage vows
are just as inviolable to him as they are to me.
These are typical, predictable and fully human
reactions. Grief, whether caused by the death of a spouse
or by an unwanted divorce, is still grief. The unwelcome
dissolution of a long term marriage causes as piercing and
as devastating a grief as any death. It is a death--the
death of a marriage--the death of a way of life. We can't
console ourselves, however, with platitudes about "heaven"
and "meeting again."
Reactions to grief have been studied and codified by
many experts. Foremost among them is the pioneer in the
field, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. According to Kubler-Ross,
the first reaction to grief is disbelief and denial. The
shock--the pain--is too huge—too hurtful to be taken in all
at once. Our psyche rushes to protect us, to build a
protective wall around us--a buffer to give us time to
adjust. The wound is too raw, the pain too deep to
register upon our consciousness. Our emotional circuits
are overloaded—we are numb--we feel nothing. We say to
ourselves, "This can't possibly be happening--he'll be
back, he can't really be leaving me."
Later, when the signals begin to work their way into
our awareness, anger and resentment boil up within us. As
we become more able to admit what has happened, disbelief
turns to fury. Our rage is directed at our husband and his
mistress and at the destruction they have brought down upon
our world.
At this point, if the anger is internalized (not
good), we become depressed; our blood pressure soars; our
thoughts turn to self destruction. We may try suicide. It
is healthier and much better for us to focus our anger on
its external source--on the man who is ruining our life.
"The bastard! How dare the S.O.B. do this to me? How can
he say he loves that slut--that common whore? She knew he
was married, what kind of a woman can she be?"
The desire to strike out at him/them is understandable
and predictable. Such feelings are much healthier being
acknowledged rather than hidden. To the human soul, there
is nothing more hurtful than rejection, and being dumped by
a long-time mate is the ultimate rejection. The man for
whom we have set aside most of our own needs, is now
saying, "Sorry, lady, I don't want you anymore; there's
another woman I want."
Such total rejection by the one
we have trusted above all others, by the one to whom we
devoted our lives, hurts as nothing else can hurt. The
common reaction is a desire for revenge--a wanting to get
even--to strike out and hurt this man the way he has hurt
us. As one still-married woman said, "If he pulled such a
stunt on me, I'd shoot him in the balls." How better to
get even? The penalties for "getting even" usually involve
public disgrace, along with prison time, and are to be
avoided at all costs.
Then comes the third stage, which in her book, On
Death and Dying, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross calls "bargaining."
A person facing death often tries to bargain with God. It
is a dickering for more time--for a postponement. "If you
spare my life, I promise to..." The wife facing rejection
is willing to make any changes if only he will return home.
As one woman said, "At that point, I would have walked on
broken glass to get him home."
The fourth stage of grief is depression; we can see no
reason to live. Everything becomes too much effort; we
stay inside ourselves rather than face the world. Often
overwhelmed by a feeling of guilt, we say, "If only I had
done..." or, "I shouldn't have..." The future appears
empty. In public we feel ashamed as if the whole world
knows of our nothingness. We are humiliated to be seen at
the supermarket shopping for our self alone. We had been
taught, through time immemorial, that women who don't have
husbands are not valuable. To have had a husband and then
"driven him out," is disgraceful.
These stages of grief almost never occur in a nice
neat progression. But, when we have worked our way through
(and it does take work), we arrive at an acceptance. How
well we accept this change in our life can range from a
grudging admission of defeat, to a gracious embracing of an
unalterable situation. This difference is up to you; it
depends on the path you take now, and the help you get. In
the end, with help, the majority of rejected wives come to
find a new life for themselves, a life filled with
pleasures and satisfactions long forgotten, or perhaps,
never known. It is true that for every door that closes
another opens somewhere else.
The unwanted breakup of a long-term marriage can
produce more stress than any other life crisis. The degree
of stress generated by different crises is frequently rated
by experts in today's popular literature. In these charts
the death of a spouse is usually number 1 (the most stressful), and divorce is number 2. This is a myth which has
outlived its time.
The flaw in such generalizations is the way they group
all kinds of divorces together and treat all deaths as if
they were the same. In reality there are as many different
divorce situations as there are different circumstances
about the death of a spouse. In these ratings, the
accidental death of a young man is equated with the
merciful death of an octogenarian whose body has been
devastated by months or years of painful illness. A
divorce between childless consenting mates should not be
equated with the one-sided divorce in which a man dumps his
wife of two or three decades to marry another woman. This
lack of acknowledgment of the true impact of an unwanted
late-in-life divorce, is a sad disservice to the older exwife.
Recently, at the funeral of the husband of a close
friend, I witnessed the generous compassion showered upon
the woman newly widowed. I could not but compare this
kindly outpouring of caring with the restrained understanding and questionable support a divorced woman receives
from confused and embarrassed friends. The grieving widow
was showered with cards, letters, hot dishes and prayers.
She would endure her ordeal in the warm bosom of compassionate understanding. Her self esteem intact, her
memories untarnished, her worth undiminished, her worldly
goods undivided, she remained in the eyes of the world, a
person of value.
For the widow, thoughts of her deceased mate could
offer comfort in knowing that he had found eternal peace;
but for the divorced middle aged woman whose husband has
suddenly left her, there is more likely the image of him
lying in bed alongside the slim young body of his mistress.
We do not wish here to minimize the plight of the
widow. Her pain and sorrow are of an enormity to test the
strength and the courage of any woman. But for our
divorced woman, there is all that pain, and there is more.
There is pain in any divorce; in an unwanted late-inlife divorce where the woman is dumped for another, the
hurt is enormous, and every aspect of her life is
disrupted.
From the simplest segments of daily routine, to the
social and financial aspects of her life, all will be
changed. When it is time for the company's annual picnic-she gets a sickening sinking feeling in her insides--she
will not be going. The mailman brings tickets for the
community concert--addressed to "Mr. and Mrs." The
property tax statement arrives addressed to "Mr. John Doe,
et ux." There is no end to such reminders.
The fall-out of divorce spreads out and touches the
entire family structure, and each person in it. The ill
effects on the children (no matter what their age) will
pass down through their sons and daughters for generations
to come. The fall-out of divorce is often a societal issue
also, due to financial issues and emotional issues that
become psychiatric. One of our goals is to prevent these
kinds of ruin.
Divorce separates the children from one parent,
usually the father. Not only is the man not around any
more, but he has shattered his image as a role model for
them. In many instances, he has left without a word of
explanation. This leaves the mother the task of explaining
to the children where their father is and what has happened
to their lives. Children usually blame the mother,
probably because the father represents a larger threat to
the children.
Because the woman usually remains the children's
caretaker (no matter what their age), she is therefore more
acutely aware of their distress. While trying to deal with
her own trauma, she also suffers the pain she sees her
children going through, and often their contempt of her for
having "driven daddy away."
Family disruption often includes the instant creation
of step-siblings of various degrees of relationships and
the introduction of ready-made grandparents. There is
often the cutting-off of the children (and the ex-wife)
from the paternal grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins.
In cases where the couple had settled down in the husband's
home ground, his family may have been an important support
group for the wife.
All these emotional demands put a tremendous stress
upon the woman's physical health. The trauma of divorce
commonly results in disruptions of sleep, appetite,
concentration, and judgment. Since this is a time when you
need all your strength and resources, it is a good and wise
move to see a physician.
The strain on the woman's general health is enormous.
It is estimated that a large number of medical problems
(from 60% to 75%) are either caused by or are aggravated by
psychological accompaniments of anxiety, fear, pain, and
depression. This increase in the amount of illness (and
even death) following such major life crises as the death
of a spouse, divorce, marital separation, jail term, etc.
is well documented.
The physical body is truly at the
mercy of our emotions.
Although you may not have been fully aware of it, you
have most likely been living under a lot of stress for many
months prior to your husband's announcement of his
intention to divorce you. Because of this, your physical
well-being has undoubtedly paid a price already. Your
doctor should do a complete physical. He/she will want to
know of any changes in appetite, or in sleeping, and any
weight loss or gain. The doctor may detect minor problems
which, if aggravated by stress and not attended to, could
develop into major problems.
The doctor may give you a few (and we do mean to
emphasize the word “few”) sedatives to help you sleep for a
night or two. However, we want to caution you against a
doctor who gives you tranquilizers to get you through this
difficult period. It is far better to be angry and to face
and deal with your problems than it is to take psychoactive medications. Pills can, at best, postpone your
dealing with reality, and at worst, keep you from ever
making the painful--although necessary--adjustment to what
has happened to you. Drinking to a state of oblivion is
not a good alternative, either.
Working through these emotional stages of grief while
dealing with all the changes in your life is not easy. You
must work your way through denial, anger, bargaining, and
depression in order to arrive, finally, at acceptance of an
unchangeable situation. It is not uncommon for a wife who
has been dumped after a long term marriage to need four or
five years to completely recoup her emotional equilibrium.
(When financial survival is in question, she doesn't have
time for "equilibrium.") However, with the help of a good
therapist, the time can be cut down, and the eventual
readjustment greatly enhanced. How do you find a good
counselor or therapist?
TAKING CARE OF YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS
TO THE MEN:
[This book is written by a woman. Being female, we can
have only an intellectual understanding of the feelings of
men. We try.]
This is not acceptable. The woman who said her main
goal in life was my happiness no longer wants me. We have
a nice house, kids, two cars, a nice life. She must be in
menopause or maybe suffering from a mental illness. Surely
she wouldn't have an affair! Nice women don't do that.
What kind of man would steal another man's wife?
You think about living alone, not tucking in the kids
at night, and you feel like crying. It isn't manly to cry,
so getting angry seems the only viable alternative. Men
don't seem to feel fearful of this unwanted life change;
the feelings they experience are not easy to define,
primarily because men are not accustomed to talking about
their feelings. "It isn't manly."
[This may be a good place to observe that women say
they want their men to be more sensitive. Those men who
allow themselves to become "sensitive" also become more
vulnerable. Sometimes that is not in their best interest.]
Men, programmed by nature to be pillars of strength,
hunters, protectors, know-alls and do-alls, have difficulty
acceding to the decisions of women. Nature programs males
to be dominant; that is why they are usually bigger than
women. Men and women are almost different "animals." We
don't react in like ways. Men who aren't in touch with
their feelings often define their response to rejection as
immense anger welling up into their thoughts, consuming
their very souls. They strike out in verbal anger;
sometimes their expression is physical. That is not wise
nowadays, since domestic violence is treated as a serious
crime. Unfortunately, the acts of throwing something at
the wall, or punching a door, are considered "domestic
violence" and a vengeful woman can use that to her
advantage by having the man arrested. It is twice the
trauma to have to deal with the criminal justice system as
well as the family law court system at the same time. A
domestic violence accusation (whether or not there is
conviction) can have a serious negative effect on custody
and visitation determinations. We strongly advise men to
control themselves; get a handle on your anger; pay
attention to the consequences of ill-advised behavior.
One of the emotions experienced by men is defined as
"grief." Both sexes feel grief in similar ways and under
similar circumstances. Grief is discussed in the first
part of this chapter, which is addressed to women. [It will
help you to read the "Women" portion of this chapter,
making appropriate substitutions.]
Your writer, a legal assistant, has spent many hours
discussing these matters with men who are in the process of
unwanted divorces. Early on in these discussions, it is
made clear that it is okay for guys to weep; sadness is not
limited to women.
In lengthy marriages where the woman wants the
divorce, and there has been no abuse or infidelity -- no
obvious reasons for a woman to want a divorce -- the
distraught husband should be advised to seek medical care
and to insist that his wife visit the physician, also (not
necessarily together). Sometimes the onset of menopause
interferes with a woman's judgment, and this prospect
should be addressed. There are also situations wherein
the woman just feels it would be better to be "on (her)
own, without somebody always telling (her) what to do."
In most instances, this is very unrealistic thinking.
Men often find it in their best interest to seek
rational discussion with their wives, and will attempt
"bargaining" with them. They vow, "I'll do whatever it
takes to keep you." They promise diamonds, help with
housework, spending less time with the guys, spending more
time with the kids, etc. Usually, however, by the time
they are in the attorney's office, the bargaining has
failed.
That means it is time for anger and outrage. When a
woman is the moving party in seeking a divorce, it usually
means she is finished with the marriage, for whatever
reason. Frequently, she has become involved with another
relationship. The man, then, has to deal with his feelings
of proprietorship. In ancient times, women were chattels,
and that feeling still persists (although it is seldom
acknowledged, and certainly unspoken). The husband has
been "robbed" of his "private property." Whether or not
the husband has been faithful to his wife, her infidelity
is a serious offense against him. Nature programmed males
to be more promiscuous than females, so as to propagate the
species. Men can have sex with "other" women without being
in love with them and with no intention to harm their
marriages. Men do not allow women that "privilege."
By whatever means possible, control your anger and do
not allow it to consume you. Your existence is precious,
your kids need you now more than ever, you must keep your
priorities intact so as to ensure your survival.
Men, like women, also endure depression. Men don't
usually feel ashamed or disgraced by divorce, but neverthe-less, have difficulty functioning for awhile. These
depression issues must be dealt with in a healthy manner.
Again, you are referred to the section of this chapter that
is addressed to women.
It is known that when a wife dies during a marriage,
the widowed husband has a difficult time surviving, partly
because he often does not know how to take care of his more
mundane needs. His wife always did the cooking, cleaning,
and laundry (using some of the talents for which women are
valuable!), and the widower really doesn't know how to do
these things. The widowed wife can usually take good care
of herself, but often has difficulty in dealing with the
more worldly aspects of life. Divorce and death of a
spouse are similar in that in both instances, the partner
is alone. The main difference is that death is not usually
a matter of choice. Divorce is. Ergo, death is not a
rejection and divorce is the ultimate rejection.
Having a person with whom you can discuss your
feelings is of utmost importance. A counselor who is able
to deal with your feelings in an objective way and guide
you through the hazards of raw anger, grief, and depression
will be well worth the investment in both time and money.
GETTING PROPER THERAPY
For you, just dumped by your spouse, some kind of
emotional support is essential. The support of a loyal
friend can be a God-send. In tandem with the help of an
effective therapist, a good friend willing to listen
without judging, is of inestimable value. However, this
is not always without risk.
An untrained friend, no matter how well-meaning, may
be fulfilling his/her own subconscious needs through
his/her role of confessor. [Sharing the woes of another’s
life makes the life of the friend seem better than it is,
because the friend does not currently have the same types
of problems. When it comes time to share a joy, that
friend might not be so interested.] A competent professional therapist does not approach the client with needs of
his/her own to be satisfied at the expense of the client.
A friend is often too ready to advise and direct.
People who have been divorced remember what worked out for
them, and assume the same thing would also work for you.
The professional therapist, however, helps the clients come
to their own decisions through increased insight and self
knowledge.
Confiding in a friend when all one's defenses are down
sometimes leads to later embarrassment. Those who have
been friends of both the parties may have confused
loyalties. Others may listen to your story and then, for
reasons of their own, choose to ally themselves with the
"enemy camp." In a client-therapist relationship that is
kept professional, these problems do not arise.
In the majority of late-in-life divorces where the
husband has initiated the divorce, he will refuse to go to
therapy. If he does go, it will often be a token effort of
one or two sessions. By the time he has decided to get a
divorce, he is usually dead-set against any kind of interference. He considers therapy a ploy to get him to remain
in the marriage. Everyone, he thinks, is trying to force
him to change his mind. To him this is a hateful effort to
rob him of "his only chance at real happiness."
At this point there is very little chance that the
marriage can be saved. Unfortunately, what the fleeing
spouse does not see (will not see), is that participation
in therapy could make the divorce less painful to all
concerned. [One problem with this is that the spouse who
wants the divorce is obviously not interested in avoiding
the pain caused to the dumped spouse.]
Generally speaking, if it is the husband who wants the
divorce, the only “pain” he is suffering is the prospect of
having to pay spousal support. He does not care if his exwife will be a bag-lady. If it is the woman who wants the
divorce, she wants to be free to do whatever her own thing
is, and have her ex-husband pay for it. She does not care
whether or not he has money enough to cover his needs as
well as hers.
Whatever your spouse's decision concerning therapy,
you must get help for yourself. Your life is in crisis.
Even the most mature and well-adjusted person can benefit
from help when engulfed in a crisis. We all need emotional
support from time to time, and getting competent therapy in
time of crisis may very well make the difference between a
future of misery and a future of happiness. In times past,
there was a stigma attached to any kind of emotional/mental
health needs. Nowadays, however, seeking emotional support
during a crisis is the "way to go." Most people consider
it a sign of wisdom.
This brings up the question of money. Many times an
affluent husband is willing to pay for his wife's sessions,
(does this ease his guilt?). If the parties are not able
to pay, therapy is available through public services.
Almost every community has agencies, both public and
private, which offer excellent services on a sliding scale
of costs, geared to one's income.
Counseling is available from many different kinds of
therapists and counselors. Services are usually listed in
the telephone directory under such headings as: counselors;
crisis intervention; divorce assistance; human service;
marriage, family and child counselors; mental health;
physicians; psychologists; social service organizations;
social workers; men’s organizations, and women's
organizations and services. Other possible sources of
counseling are connected with various religious, or churchoriented organizations.
As these helpers differ in the ways they are listed in
the phone book, so do they differ in philosophies, methods,
goals, training, and licensing requirements of the state.
There is a great deal of confusion in the use of the terms
"counseling and counselor" and "therapy and therapist."
Much of the confusion is in the legal application of the
terminology to matters of licensing and the regulating
standards for advertising and training.
This confusion is
shared by professionals as well as laymen.
Since there are so many different kinds of professionals, a good place to start in choosing a counselor or
therapist is to ask a trusted physician for a referral.
Some of the available professionals are termed:
--Psychiatrist, (an M.D., who can prescribe medication);
--Psychologist and Clinical Psychologist, (licensed by the
state);
--Licensed Clinical Social Workers;
--Licensed Marriage, Family, and Children Counselors.
In California all of the above must be licensed by the
state.
Among the religious helpers, there are priests,
ministers, and rabbis; their training is controlled by
their religious entity.
Many different terms are heard when referring to
mental health professionals and their work: The slang
expression "shrink" is randomly applied, and often stands
for: psychiatrists, psychotherapists, psychiatric social
workers, psychometrists, school psychologists and school
counselors. The mental health professionals use many
different approaches to the client's problems: such as
hypnosis, biofeedback, primal-scream therapy, crisis
intervention, encounter groups, self-awareness therapy,
stress reduction, and the list goes on and on. Although
some authorities make a distinction between "counselor" and
"therapist," there is really no clearly understood or
generally accepted usage. In this book we use the terms
interchangeably. It is because of this confusion in
terminology that the search for a therapist must be
approached with eyes open.
Finding a person to help you through this crisis of
divorce should be conducted with the same amount of
research and comparison shopping as you would use in making
any important purchase. Your physician should be able to
suggest several names. If he/she does not know of someone,
a colleague should know.
The State or County Department of Mental Health will
have a reference list of local therapists. Once such
matters as cost, location, and availability have been
considered, an interview should be arranged. Do not
hesitate to ask questions; remember that you are doing the
hiring. Many people who are already feeling low about
their own worth, approach a therapist as if the therapist
is doing a great favor. This is not true. You are
paying for these services; be sure they are what you need.
You should choose a therapist with whom you can feel
comfortable. Whether it be a man or a woman, old or young,
is a personal decision. Some people relate better to a
counselor of the opposite sex, and others believe that only
a member of the same sex can understand their crushed
psyches. The choice you make is not irreversible, you can
always make a change.
You should feel free to ask if the counselor looks for
solutions in your childhood, and what techniques would be
used. The therapist will not be able to tell immediately
if a good rapport can be developed or how long it might
take. After two or three visits, you should be able to
expect some answers.
Sometimes after working with a therapist for a while,
you will feel that you are not making any progress. (Of
course, in fairness, it is not unusual for things to get
worse for a while before they can get better. It may be
necessary to open old wounds in order for them to heal.)
Not every therapist will work out for you. It is wise to
be aware of this, and not to settle for half-way results.
If you feel an increasing sense of dependence on your
therapist and it goes on too long, you should be concerned.
If you become dissatisfied, discuss your feelings with him
or her, and if nothing changes, look for someone else.
Differences in therapists can run the gamut from those
who seek all causes in your earliest childhood (or even in
utero), to those who consider your problems only in terms
of the present and the future. Therapists can be understanding and compassionate, or brusque and demanding. Some
therapists seldom talk (their only verbal activity being an
occasional grunt), others offer volumes of detailed
interpretation and advice. Some use helping devices such
as tape recorders, mirrors, plastic bats, journal writing,
tests, hypnotism, role playing, and reading assignments.
Whatever approach the therapist uses, if it does not work
for you, then you should change. You are the one doing the
hiring, and you are the one who needs the help.
If you choose a therapist of the opposite sex and he
or she makes advances to you, or suggests any form of
physical intimacy as a way of curing your problems, you
should leave immediately and report the incident to the
Department of Mental Health. This is unethical conduct,
and it is your duty to report it in order to protect
possible future victims.
Finding and working with an effective therapist is an
absolute necessity for a middle-aged (or older) woman who
has just heard her husband say, "I want a divorce." This
will be your lifeline as you work your way out of the
trauma of this incredibly devastating rejection, and back
to health.
THE REAL WORLD OF MONEY AND THE DIVORCING WIFE
[This chapter is primarily addressed to women who are being
dumped after a lengthy marriage.]
"From birth to eighteen a girl needs good parents.
From eighteen to thirty-five she needs good looks. From
thirty-five to fifty-five she needs a good personality.
From fifty-five on she needs good cash." This statement,
attributed to Sophie Tucker, says it all.
But how many middle aged women, dumped after a long
term marriage, end up with good cash? Certainly not Nora,
whose marriage ended abruptly after twenty-seven years....
Nora put away the last of the cards and score pads and
emptied the ashtrays filled by the men and women of their
monthly bridge club. Glenn helped her carry the extra
chairs back to the kitchen and she was pleased with the
good mood he'd been in all evening. He had been cordial to
their guests and even tolerant of what he called "her
simple-minded way of bidding." Since he had been
hospitalized for a bleeding ulcer three months earlier,
Glenn had generally been preoccupied and taciturn, a mood
which Nora attributed to worry over his health.
Stacking glasses and cups, Nora made small talk about
the bridge hands until she realized she was getting no
response from her husband. She turned to see him standing
in front of the open refrigerator drinking wine from the
bottle. He was glowering at her.
Glenn's doctor had warned him that alcohol in any form
was absolutely 100% forbidden to him. When Nora reminded
him about this, he cursed her and hurled the wine bottle
across the room and out through the kitchen window. "I'm
leaving," he screamed.
"Where are you going?" Nora asked, callused to his
sudden departures which for years had followed any show of
temper, whether his or hers.
"I'm leaving.
the room.
I'm leaving you," he repeated and left
Thinking it no more than his usual behavior, Nora was
surprised when he reappeared shortly with his suitcase.
"Where are you going?"
"I told you, I'm leaving you," he said, hurrying
across the kitchen. He slammed the door closed on twentyseven years of marriage.
This case is not unlike countless others where the
husband has walked out on a long-term marriage. Nora, like
most wives, was completely unprepared for Glenn's sudden
decision. Unfortunately, the rest of Nora's story is also
all too familiar.
Nora did not understand the finality of her husband's
action, nor fully recognize the impact of his words. She
spent a sleepless night concerned only with how she would
get through his latest tantrum. When the bank opened
Monday morning she found out that Glenn had taken out all
but a few dollars from their joint checking account. The
savings account had $25.00 left in it, and the safe deposit
box had been stripped of all their bearer bonds. Later
that day, Nora heard from the wife of one of Glenn's coworkers that he'd had an apartment for several months where
he was keeping a mistress.
She did not hear from him for two weeks. After this
total silence, including refusal to accept her telephone
calls at his office, Glenn returned to the family home with
divorce papers for Nora to sign. "I'll always take care of
you," he said, "just sign here. You and the children will
never have to worry." Smiling, he reassured her: "There's
no need for you to waste your money hiring a lawyer; mine
can do it all."
Nora did have the good sense to know she needed her
own attorney. Having no cash at all, she was forced to
turn to her parents for help. They reached into their
meager savings and lent her enough to hire a lawyer.
Choosing a name from the yellow pages, Nora hired the first
attorney she talked to--a decision she was to regret
bitterly later on.
During the next several emotionally exhausting months,
Nora discovered that Glenn had not only reduced their
community property holdings to almost nothing, but he had
put them deeply in debt. In court he painted a pitiful
picture of his business assets and the total financial
profile he presented left little worth dividing. When the
dissolution was final, Nora found herself with nothing.
Even the child support was put on hold until Glenn could
get himself out of debt. (This was a feat which he notsurprisingly accomplished only after the youngest child
became eighteen. Altogether he paid a total of $400.00 in
child support.)
After twenty-seven years of marriage, Nora was alone.
The complete, daily responsibility of providing for their
children fell upon her. Desperate, Nora swallowed her
pride and applied for welfare. Humiliated at having to ask
for public funds, she was, on top of that, tortured with
the unjustified feeling that the failure of their marriage
was somehow all her fault.
A woman like Nora, who devotes her most marriageable
years to being wife and mother and is then dumped by a
husband who fancies another, should not end up without
financial security and the means to live a decent life.
Although the family is considered to be the foundation of
our society, current divorce laws unfortunately do not
honor the contributions a woman makes to that family. Nofault divorce laws devalue her role. They tell the woman
that if she is to protect herself from becoming another
victim of this shameful tragedy, she must put herself
first. This devaluing of women and women's roles is one of
the unfortunate consequence of a divorce reform that was
intended to help, not hinder the concept of family. How
did this come about?
In 1963, a California Assemblyman, Pearce Young,
worried about the lack of judicial consistency in domestic
relations cases. Others were concerned with California's
high rate of divorce. (In 1964 the rate of divorce in
California was 47% compared to 26% in other states.)
Professor Herma Hill Kay of University of California at
Berkeley was especially concerned with the harmful effects
of the adversary divorce procedures.
In 1966 California Governor Edmund G. Brown
established a committee to find ways to stop the rising
tide of divorce. This led, in 1969, to the introduction of
Senate Bill # 252 by Senator Grunsky and the introduction
of Assembly bill #530 by James B. Hayes, chairman of the
Committee on the Judiciary. Hayes' amended bill #530
became the Family Law Act signed into law on September 5,
1969 by Governor Ronald Reagan. Known to us today as "nofault divorce," the enactment of this law has made the
words of Sophie Tucker more cruelly true than ever.
By 1980--just one decade later--all but 2 states had
adopted some form of no-fault divorce. Started with the
good intentions of preserving marriages and decreasing the
amount of acrimony in the divorce process, the bill was
unfortunately hurried through the legislature in an
election year. Part of the original concept, the Family
Court, which would have focused on saving troubled
marriages, was abandoned in a last minute legislative
compromise. The evil effects of this law on women and
children have spread like a plague across the nation and
now affect the future of nearly every American woman.
Far from having slowed down the divorce rate, the nofault concept has been taken as permission to divorce. In
1970 the national rate of divorce was 3.5 per 1000; it was
4.6 in 1974, and by 1979 had risen to 5.3.
Immediately after passage of this law, James B. Hayes,
(author of Bill #530,) divorced his wife of twenty-five
years (who was also the mother of his four children), in
order to remarry. As a California legislator, Hayes was
earning $3000 a month, and was ordered to pay his wife $650
in spousal support. Later he was successful in convincing
the judge that his ex-wife should go out and get a job, and
his alimony payments were cut to $300. When Hayes was
earning $40,322 annually, the support was again reduced,
this time down to $200 per month. To the shame of the
State of California, the ex-wife of Assemblyman James B.
Hayes ended up on Welfare and food stamps. In the words of
Sophie Tucker, Mrs. Hayes did not have good cash.
What can women do to protect themselves from ending up
like Mrs. Hayes or Nora? How could Nora have been
protecting herself and her children before that last bridge
party? Let us look at what had been going on before the
decision to divorce was made.
Before your husband announces he is leaving--that he
wants a divorce--he has undoubtedly been sending out
warning signals. Unfortunately, it is quite likely that
these signs did not register in your conscious mind. Among
the indicators are: increased secretiveness and tightness
with money toward you and the children (he starts thinking
of it as "my money"); increased interest in his health,
such as dieting to lose weight, and body building; changes
in his wardrobe, habits, and friends; purchase of a new
car, (typically a sports car); changes in the way he wears
his hair; changes in drinking and smoking habits, such as
taking up pipe smoking: increased criticism of you and the
children (family dinners are a nightmare of tension for
everyone); if he was once possessive of you, he now becomes
disinterested in your whereabouts. During all this, there
may be unexplained phone calls that hang up when you
answer. He will typically refuse to talk about what is
bothering him, although he does not deny that there is
something. If confronted, he may leave, lie, or blame
others.
Not until you get some emotional distance away from
the trauma of his sudden departure, will you be able to see
objectively the danger signs which you overlooked or
wrongly attributed to other causes. But there were warning
signs, which, when seen in the clear light of afterwards,
could have given you time to protect yourself.
Not all departing husbands manifest the same symptoms,
but few, if any, go through the pre-divorce period without
showing some of these typical tell-tale signs. In looking
back over what she called, "the most unbelievably horrible
time of my life," Glenda remembered some of the things that
happened--things she gave slight significance to at the
time.
Glenda and Henry had been married more than twenty
years when he bought an expensive sports car--for himself.
Sleek and powerful, it was a two-seater not designed to
hold a wife and two children. He allowed no one else to
drive it. In business for himself, Henry's time had always
been his own, and now he started being away from home more
than usual, many times on weekends. When Glenda asked
about his increased gasoline bills, he coldly said the
trips were for business. He made it quite clear that he
resented her questioning.
Worried about his short temper and irritability with
the children, Glenda read every article she could find on
male menopause and mid-life crisis. [A divorcing woman
once asked this writer if men have a menopause. My tongue-
in-cheek response was, "Yes. They purchase red sport cars
and take up with bosomy young blondes."] Glenda took to
heart the popular advice to be patient and understanding.
(Most of this advice was written by men.) She believed, as
the experts said, that he would get it out of his system
and come back to his senses. She worried about his health,
thought he was working too hard, and tried harder than ever
to make life easy for him--to please him. Like most women
of her generation (those born in the 20's, 30's, and 40's),
Glenda had a strong tendency to blame herself for everything that went wrong in her marriage. When something went
wrong, she tried harder. When she suggested they get
marriage counseling, Henry ridiculed her.
When male co-workers invited him on a week-long
hunting trip, Glenda thought the change might help him feel
better. She encouraged him to go. She expected that when
he returned he would extend the same courtesy to her and
encourage her to do something for herself. But instead of
such a reciprocating reaction, Henry considered this first
trip a precedent for his many subsequent travels "with the
boys."
Not long after one such trip, Henry started dieting.
He refused to let Glenda help by preparing special low
calorie meals for him. He took off 20 pounds and joined a
health club where he worked out with weights to tighten up
his middle-aged paunch. He bought new clothes, most of
them colorful and youthful. He justified these purchases
by explaining that his old suits were now too big.
During this period of time, Henry continued his longtime involvement in civic affairs. He often had to go to
banquets and ceremonial functions, and expected Glenda to
go with him. Even though she had never enjoyed these
evenings of small talk with people she hardly knew, she
always went. Wanting to be a credit to her "successful and
important" husband, she made it a point to dress well.
Although he insisted she go with him, her presence
irritated him. Several times, for little or no reason, he
became very rude to her in public. Glenda recalled one
night in particular; it was at a formal banquet honoring a
retiring official. Everyone at the dinner table was
participating in lively conversation and she contributed a
comment. Henry turned to her, and in a voice clearly
heard by everyone at the table, said, "That's a stupid
thing to say!" This outspoken rudeness, unlike the Henry
whom Glenda thought she had married, was so blatant, she
could barely realize, let alone admit, that he had actually
said such a thing to her. The others, embarrassed by his
poor taste, tried to pass it off as a joke, and hurriedly
turned the conversation to other matters. Deep inside
herself Glenda felt that if Henry said so, it must have
been a stupid thing to say. Afraid to anger him, she let
the matter drop.
Another tension was added to their lives when, within
six months of each other, Henry's father and two of his
male coworkers died of heart attacks. Terrified by these
untimely deaths, and finding himself the eldest male in his
family--the patriarch--Henry became acutely aware of his
own mortality. He tried to re-establish bonds with his
children, but there had been too many years of disinterest.
They were busy with lives of their own.
Henry's attitude toward the children worsened. Never
close to them, he now became increasingly impatient. One
night Glenda went for an overnight visit with her ailing
mother and left Henry to care for their two children. On
her return the following day, Glenda found the youngest
child in a state of panic. When she finally got him
quieted, she learned that Henry had left them alone all
night. He had warned the children not to let her know,
and threatened never to love the boy again if he "acted
like a baby" and told. When she confronted Henry about
this, he called her a "meddling old fool" and stormed out
of the house. Completely mystified, but afraid of angering
him further, she did not refer to the matter again.
Having no idea what was really the matter with him,
but acutely aware that he was feeling really down, Glenda
planned a lavish party to celebrate their 25th wedding
anniversary. She invited everyone they knew, prepared
delicious and festive dishes, and bought a lovely new dress
so Henry would be proud of her. The party went well, and
when they went to bed, Glenda longed for some show of
romantic interest in her. Henry said he'd had too much to
drink, then turned over and went to sleep.
The following morning, Henry was up unusually early
and Glenda found him working in the garden. Using a long
handled hoe, he stood with head down and shoulders stooped-
-his whole posture that of sadness and despair. Glenda
went to comfort him. When he lifted his head to look at
her, his eyes were filled with tears. She asked what was
the matter.
"I don't love you any more. I have met somebody else,
and it was just like magic. We love each other," he
blurted out, and burst into tears.
It is ten years since that morning in the garden.
Henry is remarried and living luxuriously on an annual
income of six digits; he owns two expensive cars and his
own private airplane. Glenda, who has remained alone in
the same house, has just received the last of the $100.00
monthly payments which represent her share of the business.
Spousal support will end in three months.
At the time of her divorce, Glenda was fifty five
years old and had not worked for pay outside the home for
twenty-five years. Left in a deep depression which lasted
several years, she has been virtually unemployable.
The amount of time Glenda worked before their marriage
was not enough for her to qualify for Social Security on
her own. Henry is five years younger and she is not
entitled to benefits on his account until he becomes 62-she will then be 67.
Since her divorce, Glenda has been living without
health insurance. At 65 she became eligible for one part
of medicare, the Medical part. To be covered by the
Hospitalization part, she would have to buy into it (in
1998, that is about $50.00 per month), and she cannot
afford to do so.
A proud woman, in spite of being reduced to wearing
hand-me-downs from her sisters, Glenda lives her life with
her head held high. She still believes in Henry's basic
goodness.
Glenda's story is not unique. What happened between
her and Henry in the courts of California has happened to
thousands of women--women who served as housewives and
mothers and who now make up the new poor.
How did it happen?
protect herself?
What could Glenda have done to
THE REAL WORLD OF MONEY AND THE DIVORCING HUSBAND
TO THE DUMPED MAN:
In the unconscious minds of most people, "understand"
means "agree." That is not correct. We women can understand perfectly well, and at the same time, not agree.
When you guys say, "I just can't understand my wife," the
truth of the matter is that, although you have a complete
intellectual understanding of what she says, the same kinds
of events do not affect you similarly, and you disagree
with her behavior.
In most instances, a woman will become an extension of
her husband's personality, and adapt herself to whatever
circumstances arise. We women know that we are as valuable
to this planet as men are, but nowadays there seems to be a
kind of competition wherein young women think they are
"better" than men. We often think that we are valuable
because we are cute and because we "tolerate" our men. We
don't want to participate in decision-making; we want to
make the decisions unilaterally (but we don't say that).
We want to be "in charge" because we don't like being
"subservient" to men. We are unpaid slaves, and we don't
want to clean up after men any longer.
The dissatisfied woman withdraws all the money from
the bank accounts, opens an account of her own, and retains
an attorney to represent her in a dissolution of marriage.
She has her husband served at work, so as to embarrass him
and as pay-back for all the indignities she has suffered at
his hands. Since she thinks she is entitled to whatever
she wants, she seeks spousal support, and plans to "take
him for all he has."
She does not seek counseling, because she wants out of
the marriage; often, she has found another man, who, of
course, is much better than the husband who has always
loved and cherished her. If there are children, of course,
she wants full custody and "adequate" support for them.
"Adequate support" translates to "all the money you
have left after paying spousal support."
The woman on whom you pinned all your dreams, in whom
you placed your trust, is now your adversary, and does not
care one whit about your emotional or financial survival.
This is something you must realize and understand, so that
you have enough sense to retain your own attorney, who will
help to minimize your support obligations.
Generally speaking, men make more money than women do.
Men nearly always recover financially after a divorce
(women almost never do). Nevertheless, men are saddled
with support obligations that amount to far more than they
would spend on the other members of an intact family.
The emotional deprivation suffered by men is vastly
different from that of women. Men usually have great
difficulty discussing emotional issues. Among male
friends, the talk is almost never about feelings or
emotionally charged events. When the time comes to discuss
feelings, it is hard for men to find the words to define or
describe their immense sadness and anger.
When the woman has left because she found a new
partner, the bereft husband must deal with the proprietary
interests he had in his wife. After all, she is HIS wife.
A possession. He has now been robbed. He goes through all
the men the couple knew during their marriage, and wonders
if each one is the "bad guy." The husband expends great
energy wondering if his wife and the bad guy "do it" like
he and his wife. The word that defines these feelings is
"rage." This emotion can be a very destructive force if
not properly controlled. A female counselor might inform
you that at the outset of a relationship, women are
complimented by the fact that men want them and feel
proprietary toward them. After awhile, however, that
changes to feelings of resentment for the attitude that
they are “owned." People also own dogs, cats, and
goldfish. As marvelous as we are, we women are not always
reasonable or rational.
Men are at a further emotional disadvantage due to
their very strong sexual orientation. Having access to
regular sex is one of the benefits of marriage, and is
often, in fact, the main motivation for marriage, although
it remains unspoken. Sexual deprivation adds another
dimension to the emotional suffering experienced by men.
None of either party's destructive behaviors or
unhappy feelings, however, give automatic license for
further destruction. In many instances, the man's need
for emotional support surpasses that of women. In addition, it must be stated that women's emotional distress
can be dangerous to herself and her children. Men's
emotional distress can be dangerous to ALL parties, as well
as to suspected third parties.
It is also important for dads to remember that the
kids are scared and bewildered, and they need you. You had
a role in making these kids, and they are more valuable
than you would ever say, and more fragile than you would
want to believe. You need to take good care of your
emotional health, for yourself, and for your children.
Why didn't you realize your wife was setting about to
split? There were signs that you either did not see or
that you blocked out because you didn't want to acknowledge
them. Just like men do, women have to "work late," attend
after-hours "business meetings," go to movies "with the
girls" and go on "sales trips." The stay-at-home wife (who
works for her family rather than for money) often gets
involved in "bridge club," enters a "bowling league,"
develops needs for relief from mundane chores and visits
"spas" or "gyms" to dispel the stress she has at home. She,
too, loses weight, changes her wardrobe, hairdo and make-up
patterns. She often will make sure of her husband's
schedule (sometimes so she can conduct a liaison at home),
and have some cockamamie excuse for needing to know when
her husband will be home. If her new sex partner is
himself a husband, she might just be brazen enough to
invite him and his wife for a dinner at home with you!
Women can be very clever manipulators.
This is not to say that men should suspect every
activity their wives explore. It is also not to say that
men should always watch their backs. If you were not in a
divorce situation already you would not be reading this
book.
If you suspect an imminent divorce, you should be
first to empty the bank accounts, knowing that you will
have to give half of it back to your spouse. [Women being
what they (we) are, if they are the spouse wanting the
divorce, would take it all out and spend it on themselves;
men who are having an affair and plan to leave would take
it all out and spend it on the new woman. In either case,
spending the money does not help any kind of situation.]
THE REAL WORLD OF MONEY AND THE DIVORCING HUSBAND
TO THE DUMPED MAN:
In the unconscious minds of most people, "understand"
means "agree." That is not correct. We women can understand perfectly well, and at the same time, not agree.
When you guys say, "I just can't understand my wife," the
truth of the matter is that, although you have a complete
intellectual understanding of what she says, the same kinds
of events do not affect you similarly, and you disagree
with her behavior.
In most instances, a woman will become an extension of
her husband's personality, and adapt herself to whatever
circumstances arise. We women know that we are as valuable
to this planet as men are, but nowadays there seems to be a
kind of competition wherein young women think they are
"better" than men. We often think that we are valuable
because we are cute and because we "tolerate" our men. We
don't want to participate in decision-making; we want to
make the decisions unilaterally (but we don't say that).
We want to be "in charge" because we don't like being
"subservient" to men. We are unpaid slaves, and we don't
want to clean up after men any longer.
The dissatisfied woman withdraws all the money from
the bank accounts, opens an account of her own, and retains
an attorney to represent her in a dissolution of marriage.
She has her husband served at work, so as to embarrass him
and as pay-back for all the indignities she has suffered at
his hands. Since she thinks she is entitled to whatever
she wants, she seeks spousal support, and plans to "take
him for all he has."
She does not seek counseling, because she wants out of
the marriage; often, she has found another man, who, of
course, is much better than the husband who has always
loved and cherished her. If there are children, of course,
she wants full custody and "adequate" support for them.
"Adequate support" translates to "all the money you
have left after paying spousal support."
The woman on whom you pinned all your dreams, in whom
you placed your trust, is now your adversary, and does not
care one whit about your emotional or financial survival.
This is something you must realize and understand, so that
you have enough sense to retain your own attorney, who will
help to minimize your support obligations.
Generally speaking, men make more money than women do.
Men nearly always recover financially after a divorce
(women almost never do). Nevertheless, men are saddled
with support obligations that amount to far more than they
would spend on the other members of an intact family.
The emotional deprivation suffered by men is vastly
different from that of women. Men usually have great
difficulty discussing emotional issues. Among male
friends, the talk is almost never about feelings or
emotionally charged events. When the time comes to discuss
feelings, it is hard for men to find the words to define or
describe their immense sadness and anger.
When the woman has left because she found a new
partner, the bereft husband must deal with the proprietary
interests he had in his wife. After all, she is HIS wife.
A possession. He has now been robbed. He goes through all
the men the couple knew during their marriage, and wonders
if each one is the "bad guy." The husband expends great
energy wondering if his wife and the bad guy "do it" like
he and his wife. The word that defines these feelings is
"rage." This emotion can be a very destructive force if
not properly controlled. A female counselor might inform
you that at the outset of a relationship, women are
complimented by the fact that men want them and feel
proprietary toward them. After awhile, however, that
changes to feelings of resentment for the attitude that
they are “owned." People also own dogs, cats, and
goldfish. As marvelous as we are, we women are not always
reasonable or rational.
Men are at a further emotional disadvantage due to
their very strong sexual orientation. Having access to
regular sex is one of the benefits of marriage, and is
often, in fact, the main motivation for marriage, although
it remains unspoken. Sexual deprivation adds another
dimension to the emotional suffering experienced by men.
None of either party's destructive behaviors or
unhappy feelings, however, give automatic license for
further destruction. In many instances, the man's need
for emotional support surpasses that of women. In addition, it must be stated that women's emotional distress
can be dangerous to herself and her children. Men's
emotional distress can be dangerous to ALL parties, as well
as to suspected third parties.
It is also important for dads to remember that the
kids are scared and bewildered, and they need you. You had
a role in making these kids, and they are more valuable
than you would ever say, and more fragile than you would
want to believe. You need to take good care of your
emotional health, for yourself, and for your children.
Why didn't you realize your wife was setting about to
split? There were signs that you either did not see or
that you blocked out because you didn't want to acknowledge
them. Just like men do, women have to "work late," attend
after-hours "business meetings," go to movies "with the
girls" and go on "sales trips." The stay-at-home wife (who
works for her family rather than for money) often gets
involved in "bridge club," enters a "bowling league,"
develops needs for relief from mundane chores and visits
"spas" or "gyms" to dispel the stress she has at home. She,
too, loses weight, changes her wardrobe, hairdo and make-up
patterns. She often will make sure of her husband's
schedule (sometimes so she can conduct a liaison at home),
and have some cockamamie excuse for needing to know when
her husband will be home. If her new sex partner is
himself a husband, she might just be brazen enough to
invite him and his wife for a dinner at home with you!
Women can be very clever manipulators.
This is not to say that men should suspect every
activity their wives explore. It is also not to say that
men should always watch their backs. If you were not in a
divorce situation already you would not be reading this
book.
If you suspect an imminent divorce, you should be
first to empty the bank accounts, knowing that you will
have to give half of it back to your spouse. [Women being
what they (we) are, if they are the spouse wanting the
divorce, would take it all out and spend it on themselves;
men who are having an affair and plan to leave would take
it all out and spend it on the new woman. In either case,
spending the money does not help any kind of situation.]
THE UNPREPARED WIFE
[The adage that has something to do with complaining because one
lacks shoes until one saw a man with no feet is valid. However, seeing
the man with no feet did not warm ones own feet. Similarly, the dumped
wife doesn't really care about Nora or Glenda, or anybody else, but it
does help to know one is not alone. The people named in our book are
not merely fictitious examples; they are real-life examples, with their
names changed. Truth is, any of them could be you. Onward.]
In the twenty-five years that Glenda and Henry were
married she looked to him for major family decisions, for
wisdom and for guidance. From the early days of their
marriage, when the power structure (pecking order), was
established, Glenda gave Henry the control of her life.
All major life decisions revolved around his career and the
business he ran. Glenda's and the children's lives were
shaped around whatever was best for Henry.
Glenda also became isolated and socially dependent on
Henry. They lived far away from her family and her home
town friends. She was often confined to the house with no
one to talk to but children. Her only adult contacts were
Henry's business acquaintances and the women whose
children's activities she shared. This was the time period
when the "experts" were fond of filling women's magazines
with articles on "cabin fever" and the cures therefor.
Not only was she dependent on him for leadership, she
was totally dependent upon him financially. Conforming to
the expectations of her generation--attitudes and beliefs
taught early in life--Glenda believed that money was the
man's domain. She took no active part in the family's
financial affairs. Although not a stupid woman, she
accepted the belief that he was vastly more capable than
she. She conceded that it was his role to provide, and her
role to tend to him and the children. She felt that had
she questioned his judgment or his authority to act for
them both, it would have implied a lack of confidence in
him. It would have risked damage to his fragile and everimportant male ego. Glenda was too good a wife (meaning
she was strongly conditioned according to the existing
mores) to risk hurting her husband's ego.
The dependencies which Glenda and most of the women
of her generation accepted in their marriages--emotional,
social, and financial--were part of their early
conditioning. While very young, they learned that these
were the qualities of a "good wife." Such attitudes were
encouraged by husbands who--also conditioned early in life-felt their wife's need for them was the measure of their
masculinity--their manliness.
The full effects of Glenda's dependencies were not to
be known for many years. While always looking to Henry for
superior judgments, she was at the same time chipping away
at her own self-confidence. Socially isolated, Glenda's
world was narrowing in around her. Without adequate
outside stimulation, her self-concept was being reckoned in
stagnant terms too narrow for the rapidly changing world
around them. She was apart from the changes in women's
attitudes, their freedom, and their expectation of
increased respect. She remained financially dependent on
her husband, and was probably not even aware of how
severely this dependence limited her choices. In a matter
as simple as buying her husband a birthday gift, with no
money of her own, she had to pay for it out of "his money,"
money he gave her to run the house. The fact is, a woman
without some money under her control has very little
freedom of choice.
Glenda never knew exactly how much money Henry made.
Since he was in business for himself, his income varied
considerably at different times of the year. But every
month he deposited a certain amount of money (determined by
him) in a joint checking account. With this, Glenda bought
the food and paid the bills at the end of the month. If
the money ran out before the bills were all paid, Glenda
did without--she made do. She became expert at stretching
the money and prided herself on "setting a good table."
Henry prepared their joint income tax, and every April
15th he rushed in at the last moment with the completed
forms for her to sign and then dashed to the post office to
beat the deadline. Once or twice in the early years of
their marriage, Glenda asked him to sit down with her and
explain the forms to her. He did so in such a hurried and
impatient manner that she did not ask again.
All other financial matters, such as house payments,
insurance, and investments (real estate, stocks and bonds),
were taken care of by Henry, at his office. From time to
time he would bring home a stock certificate or a deed for
her to sign so he could sell it. If she asked what the
money was for, he usually replied, "It's business," and
left the room.
When one of Glenda's aunts died and left her a
moderate amount of money, she gave the check to Henry to
take to the bank. Without advising her of her choices or
discussing the various ways she could handle the money and
the implications of each, he put her money into a joint
savings account, and it became community property. [A
xerox copy of the check could have confirmed, however, that
the money was hers by inheritance. In a divorce situation,
if this type of co-mingling occurs, a letter to the lawyer
who issued the check could resolve the matter.]
Several times throughout the course of their marriage,
Henry expanded his business. He would arrange a bank loan,
and bring the papers home and expect Glenda to sign them
without question. She never understood how much money was
involved in these expansions, nor did she have any concept
of the extent to which the business grew over the years.
Unaware of Henry's ever-increasing worth, Glenda continued
throughout their marriage to practice thrift and frugality.
To her, these were the virtues of a good wife.
Henry, on the other hand, was very aware of their
financial position and his growing affluence. On his
hunting trips with his buddies, he spent money freely. It
was on one of these early trips he met the woman who was to
become his mistress. She worked in a roadside bar. She
had all kinds of family and financial problems and appealed
to Henry's need to have someone to nurture. Over the next
year and a half their relationship grew (thus the new car
and increased gasoline bills). Gradually, Glenda's faults
loomed greater in Henry's eyes, and his attraction to the
new woman grew. Henry began to know (whether he admitted
it to himself or not) that he would leave Glenda, and
toward that end he began to make plans.
Your writer once knew a woman who had been married for
17 years. She adored her husband and their two children.
When she came to believe that Ivan was straying, she set
about to find out whether it was really true. She learned
that he was seeing his secretary. She confronted him and
they had a terrible argument. After much discussion, he
closed his apartment and came back home, bringing his
newly-purchased items of furniture with him. They told all
their friends that they were back together and would soon
celebrate an anniversary. One week after he had moved back
into the family residence, he brought Julie a second
mortgage document for her signature. He was starting up a
new business, and needed $15,000.00 for that purpose. Of
course she signed it, knowing that it would endear him to
her further, and cement their reconciliation. The day
after the loan was funded, they both endorsed the check and
it was deposited into a new account which he had opened for
the new business.
The next day, he moved out, and filed for divorce.
Julie was quick to remove the funds from their joint
savings account, which came to a little over $14,000.00.
She knew she would have to give half of it back to him, but
in the interim, he couldn’t spend it on his secretary, who
was Julie’s replacement.
Julie did not have good legal representation. She was
unwilling to spend money, and there was an attorney who was
willing to take a very small down payment, and work on a
few dollars a month for the rest of the retainer. When
Ivan commenced stalking and beating Julie, the attorney did
nothing. The police department, at that time, offered to
allow Julie to arrest Ivan (citizen’s arrest), but since
they didn’t see him hurt her, they wouldn’t arrest him.
The problem with the wife arresting him was that he could
bail himself out of jail with $55.00 and come back and beat
her again; this time more thoroughly. The attorney didn’t
attempt to obtain a restraining order, and Julie was again
at the mercy of Ivan. When Ivan’s attorney claimed that
the second mortgage was a community liability, Julie automatically owed $7,500.00. She used her half of the savings
account to negotiate for sole ownership of the residence.
Her attorney did nothing to explain to the court that her
signature for the second mortgage was obtained by fraud and
under duress. That cost Julie her share of the savings,
and paved the way for Ivan to continue to stalk and hurt
her.
She further failed to obtain counseling. She called
her minister, and he set an appointment to meet with her
nearly three months hence! She was unwilling to pay for
counseling, so she did without it. She survived, but
barely. This case is reviewed to illustrate that divorce
can be more traumatic than it has to be. Adequate legal
representation and emotional support can make a difference.
In no case where the husband surprised his wife with
his intentions to divorce her, was it a spur-of-the-moment
decision on his part. It was something he had been
considering—working on and planning for—for a considerable
time. When he finally informed her of his intentions, his
plans were complete. There are endless ways for the
husband to "adjust" his finances to his own advantage.
Money can be put into distant bank accounts or into
valuable collectibles (their worth easily misrepresented);
property can be bought, and investments can be made, in
other names or in his name alone, and accounts receivable
can be put on hold. Such ways are limited only by the
nature of his income and by his own ingenuity.
When he does tell his wife, she is surprised, hurt,
and shocked into a state of immobility and almost complete
helplessness. At this point, divorcing husbands often
mislead their wives by saying he is "only trying to find
himself," "will be home before Christmas," or, "is not
seeing his mistress anymore and has no desire to remarry."
These promises keep her off guard. She continues to think
only of getting him back and, denying to herself his real
intentions, she does not focus upon protecting herself.
The wife is emotionally devastated, off guard, and
ever hopeful that he will "come to his senses." She does
not fully understand or accept the premise that her
husband—the man to whom she has given her heart, her soul,
and her body—is now the enemy.
When she finally realizes what had been going on
inside his head, his heart (and his pants) during those
months of tension and silence, it is too late for their
marriage.
The way Glenda left the full responsibility of family
finances to Henry was not only unwise but also unfair. She
assumed that because Henry was male, he was better
qualified to take care of their money. Like generations
of American women before her, Glenda was trapped by this
myth into financial dependency.
Unless the husband's education or his job have
specifically qualified him to handle money it is unfair to
assume he is better qualified to do it all. (Many wives
are actually smarter than their husbands, even though they
have often been taught to conceal their brains.) Human
nature being what it is, having sole and complete power
over the family money leads to temptation. Decisionmaking shared by husband and wife provides a safeguard
against the abuse of such power.
Today in the 1990's, more women are realizing that
they must accept the responsibility for their own financial
life. In the younger-generation-marriages of today, the
husband and wife take a more equal share in decisionmaking. This is a step in the right direction. Even for
the woman already married many years, it is never too late
for her to learn and to protect herself.
A young "90's" woman would laugh right out loud if you
suggested she accept the attitude of dependency which the
women of her mother's generation so passively swallowed.
This is decidedly a change for the better--a definite
improvement in womens' opinions of their own value.
If you have always left the money and finances up to
your husband, if you don't know how much he earns or what
investments you have and where your important documents
are, then you are doing a disservice both to yourself and
to him. Not only are you placing temptation in his way,
you may also be adding to his sense of being "weighted
down."
Sometimes this is a part of what drives middleaged men out to look for an unencumbered "sweet-little
thing." Whether your marriage at this moment is great,
good, so-so, or shaky, you need to know what's going on
in the finances of your life.
If you are troubled by a vague feeling that something
is not right in your marriage, then it is imperative and
urgent that you take steps to inform and protect yourself
now. Whether you've noticed changes in his behavior, in
his attitudes, or if you have simply become aware that
something has gone out of your marriage—you must learn all
you can about your family finances.
No woman should give away the control of her financial
future. In our present permissive society, where marriage
and loyalty and family responsibility have become as
disposable as "10 for a dollar" razors, no wife should lead
her husband to the edge of such temptation.
Most likely the last thing in the world you want to
think about is that your husband is laying the groundwork
toward leaving you. Whether this proves to be true or not,
it behooves you to know about your family's money. (Who is
to say, perhaps the more you know, the less tempted he will
be to stray). You also owe it to your children to know
about the family money that will affect them and their
future.
Even if there is no thought of divorce, if it never
happens, there is an 85% chance that you, the wife, will
outlive your husband. If you are widowed, you will have to
take over the financial reins of your own life. It will be
much easier for you to learn while you are both alive and
well, than later on, when he is dead and you are distraught
with grief.
Looking specifically at what it means to take an
active part in your own financial destiny rather than
leaving it up to someone else, here are some of the things
every wife should know:
1. The location and value of every savings and checking
account, whether in a bank or Savings and Loan or Credit
Union;
2. The location of any safe deposit box, its contents, who
is authorized to open it, and where the keys are kept;
3. The names, addresses, and phone numbers of advisors or
agents who have dealt with you and or your husband, such as
lawyers, insurance agents, realtors, bankers, accountants,
and investment brokers;
4. The location of all family documents such as birth,
marriage, baptism certificates, and military and education
records;
5.
Social security numbers of all family members;
6. The location of wills, deeds to the home and other
properties, business agreements and ownership certificates
for vehicles, etc;
7. What insurance policies you have, when premiums are
due, and how to pay them, and the company and agent for
each insurance policy (life, homeowners,' renters,' health,
auto, etc.), the policies' provisions, duration, cost of
premiums, and where the policies are kept. In the case of
life insurance, you should know what kind of insurance you
have, if it has cash value, can it be borrowed upon, and
the name(s) of the beneficiaries (a beneficiary can be
changed without notification to a current beneficiary);
8. The location of bonds and stock certificates and
evidence of any other investments, name(s) in which they
were issued (owned jointly or in one name alone), how much
dividends are, and when and how they are paid;
9. The amount of your husband's income (in a community
property state the wife owns half of his income); the
amounts of any and all deductions taken from his salary and
what they are for; whether or not he has an automatic
savings or retirement deduction, and whether he belongs to
a credit union;
10. All information regarding any retirement plans he pays
into and what part, if any, his employer contributes;
11. If your husband is self-employed, you should know what
costs or deductions he has on the money he takes out of the
business;
12. The location of copies of your income tax records and
all corroborating documents (the IRS suggests these be kept
for 5 years), and the name and address of any accountant
who prepares your income taxes;
13. What your husband spends and where the old bank
statements and check stubs are kept (do not think of this
as privileged information—he no doubt knows every single
cent you spend; women in general make full disclosures
(commitments) to husbands, while very few men share what
they consider to be their private information); in short,
you should know all the money that comes in, and where it
is spent;
14. All of the credit cards and whether issued singly or
jointly, their mailing address, credit limits and charges
(for a small fee, you can get a print-out of the year's
charges.);
15. The cost of maintaining and running the home (this
includes knowing when routine maintenance is required, who
provides these services and what the costs are).
The above information is for any wife, whatever the
emotional climate of her marriage may be. For a wife long
married who has left all matters financial to her "lord and
master" it is ever more important that she become informed
now.
Some husbands seem unwilling to let the wife share
this financial information. Some men take care of family
finances at the office, while others have all the bills
sent to a post office box. His intentions may be fine and
pure (he may be trying to protect you), or his secretiveness may be self-serving. If his intentions are honorable
what harm can it do for you to have this information? If
his motives are dishonorable, then it is imperative that
you understand your family finances for your own
protection. If you were in business in a 50/50 partnership
with another person, would you shut your eyes to the
financial side of the operation and let him/her handle all
money matters? Of course not! That would be unfair to you
both. Ergo, in marriage, it is also unfair.
The first and simplest approach to learning about all
these matters is to ask your husband. You should examine
and double-check all the information he gives you to be
sure it is accurate and complete. Whatever you do not
understand, ask him to explain.
If you find that your husband's explanations are
hurried, impatient, too complex or frustrating, you must
ask yourself if he is doing this to keep you ignorant. Do
not be put off by this technique. If he cannot explain or
does not have the answers to give you, find someone who
does.
If you do not understand your income tax statements,
ask an accountant to explain them to you. Unless the
income tax form in your possession is an official duplicate
of the one signed and actually filed with the IRS, it may
not be accurate. You can get copies from IRS for a small
fee by filling out form #4506. (You may want to pay for
this with a money order rather than a check, for which
there would be a notation on your check stubs and on your
monthly statement.)
If you or your husband file for divorce, all this
information—such as bank statements, credit information,
etc.—can be subpoenaed by your attorney. We will talk of
this later, for now we are talking about what you should be
doing on your own.
In addition to getting a broad understanding of what
your financial status is and how it works, you need to keep
up on the day to day transactions and changes. Make it a
practice to look at all the bank statements and pass books
at least monthly. Make it your business to look at and
check on all possible sources of information such as
receipts, checks, telephone numbers called, incoming bills
and statements. Assume nothing, check everything—pockets,
glove compartments and waste baskets. If there is nothing
to hide, this kind of knowledge can only increase the trust
between you and your husband.
Once you understand what is involved in your financial
life, and have learned to keep an eye on the day to day
activity, there are other things you should know, for
instance, about gifts and inheritances and community
property laws. If you receive gifts in your name alone you
have the right to keep them as your separate property.
Make xerox copies of all checks or money orders you
receive, and hold them in a safe place. You do not have to
permit the funds to become commingled. If you put them
into a joint account in both your names (this is called
commingling) you are, for all practical purposes, giving
your husband half ownership.
If you use your own separate money toward buying
something for the family (house, car, furniture, boat,
etc.), receipts and canceled checks should be kept so that
the expenditures are directly traceable to the separate
property fund. In the event of a dissolution, these items
(or portion of items such as real estate, etc.) may then be
claimed as separate property as long as the funds are
traceable.
Every woman, married or not, should have money of her
own. Without cash you're stuck. You should have your own
bank accounts, even if only a little money is available for
deposit. The banks, upon request, will hold statements for
you to pick up rather than mailing them to you at home. It
is also a good idea to have charge accounts and a credit
card in your own name.
If a divorce is to happen, your best protection is for
you to be informed of all your financial matters and to
have a good attorney. As the divorce proceedings sweep you
into the legal arena, you will find much of the terrain
unfamiliar and frightening. Since many women have never
dealt with lawyers or courts before, the procedures,
terminology and attitudes can be confusing and baffling.
Women involved in divorce (especially an unwanted one
instigated by her mate) are necessarily in a state of
emotional turmoil. Their judgment is impaired and their
brain does not always work as it should. Hurt, confused,
and extremely vulnerable, you need a competent and
experienced lawyer to get you successfully through the
legal maze that lies ahead.
THE UNPREPARED HUSBAND
It may be a good idea to read the section titled "The
Unprepared Wife," because the man whose wife handles all
the family business is putting himself into a situation
wherein he can be cheated just like the woman in the
previous section. In most instances the woman who knows
nothing about the family business is of a past generation;
nowadays, the young women are very often in charge of
family business, even when the man is the only earner.
It is unfortunate that young women are now taught not
to make a full and complete commitment. It is necessary,
however, because if there is a divorce (statistics almost
prompt this writer to say "When there is a divorce"), the
woman does have a tougher time in economic recovery than
does the man. Perhaps the relationship would be stronger
if both parties had little "nest eggs" of their own "for a
rainy day."
Men used to be able to exercise some degree of control
over their wives' activities, and that helped to minimize
the chance that they would leave for another man. In these
times, when most women work outside the home, it is almost
impossible to monitor a woman's activity. Men have taught
women that infidelity is no big deal anyway; one would
wonder why, then, men are so surprised when their own wives
are unfaithful.
Nevertheless, it happens, and blaming and accusing
only make matters worse. It is time for men to take stock
of the family assets and liabilities, so that splitting
them will not be another trauma. Generally, in community
property states, each party will receive one-half the
assets and one-half the liabilities. Usually this can be
done by exchanging apples for oranges, pieces of furniture
for cash, equity in the residence in lieu of spousal
support (providing the woman can support herself), and so
on.
Spousal support is often based on the incomes of the
parties, and, although the system requires a disclosure of
expenditures, it is doubtful that the list of expenses is
considered. Neither party is ever happy with the spousal
support determinations. The man is paying "too much" and
the woman "doesn't get enough." This is a good time to
remind you that your divorcing wife does not care whether
you have enough left to live on or not.
Child support determinations consider the amount of
time Dad spends with the children. In a situation where
Mom and Dad share custody/visitation 50% each, the child
support obligation is the smallest, and if Mom's income is
adequate, the child support may be a wash. If Mom makes
more than Dad, sometimes Mom may have to pay child support
to Dad (sometimes, even spousal support).
Dads sometimes get custody of the children; there are
moms who don't want the children. The children don't
usually get to participate in the decision; those matters
are best left to the adults.
The children absolutely must not be used as pawns or
as sources of information about the divorcing/divorced
spouses. A dad should not try for custody unless he wants
the children for the children's best interest. To
institute a custody battle just to punish "the bitch" is
grossly unfair and hurts the children far more than it
hurts Mom.
There are instances of beatings, stalking, all kinds
of harassment, threats, intimidation, offers of bribery,
etc. All these actions are crimes. The men who commit
these crimes are subject to serving time in prison, in
jail, in community service, and alternative work programs,
in addition to probation and large fines. The attorney's
fees for representation in these kinds of crimes are not
small, and without an attorney, one has little chance of
negotiating minimal punishments. Allegations regarding
any of these crimes make child custody and visitation
issues even more difficult, because they show the mediator
and/or judge that Dad represents a danger to the children.
No matter how angry you are at Mom, DON'T DO IT!
There are also men who quit their jobs so as to avoid
making support payments. If Mom's income is low, she can
apply for welfare, and when there are children, she almost
always receives the aid she has sought. Sometime down the
road, Dad is going to have to pay back the welfare, and pay
support, at the same time. The District Attorneys in the
counties (parishes, in Louisiana) where the children live
will search for the "deadbeat dad" and he will be
prosecuted. They will take his tax refunds, will lien his
property, garnish his paychecks, and seize his driver's
license. (It doesn't make much sense to seize the license
of a truck driver, because he will be unable to work and
earn the money to pay, but they do it anyway.)
Men in divorce situations are also vulnerable to
predatory women. The lack of regular sex is emotionally,
physically, and economically dangerous to men. Women who
want husbands are apt to seduce a man, allow herself to
become pregnant, then insist on marriage or, even worse,
leave the relationship, keep the child, and seek child
support. Then, Dad is paying support to two women, and
not receiving a good return on his money.
Many times, the predatory woman wants a meal ticket.
She will be kind, loving, and sexy until she gets that
wedding ring. Then, as the saying goes, her legs snap
shut. No more cooking, no more of her loving kindness, no
more sex. This will allow her more time to go shopping!
Further, as if you men don't have enough to worry
about, let me remind you that sexually transmitted
diseases, nowadays, are far more than minor inconveniences.
BE CAREFUL!
THE LEGAL SYSTEM AND THE DIVORCING SPOUSE
A person suddenly faced with an unwanted divorce
seldom has time to regain control of his/her mental and
emotional balance before he/she is thrust into the
unfamiliar world of the American justice system. Suffering
the worst emotional pain that can be inflicted upon a
person—his/her life totally shattered—the dumped spouse is
suffering an emotional trauma that may well take three to
five years to overcome. (People who do not get proper
psychological help, may never regain their self-esteem.)
While still stunned by the spouse's pronouncement that
the marriage is over, the dumped spouses are sucked down
into the unknown and often intimidating world of law and
finance. For what may well be the first time in one's
life, this distraught spouse must deal with judges,
lawyers, and accountants.
Many people have never been inside a courtroom or even
talked to a lawyer. The uninitiated, most likely in awe of
lawyers, often endue them with the powers of some higher
species of mankind. Much of a layman's idea of what goes
on in the hallowed halls of justice has been shaped by
hours of "Perry Mason," "Law & Order," and "Judd For the
Defense." Unfortunately the fictional personalities
portrayed in these programs (which, by the way, are usually
about criminal prosecutions, rather than domestic cases)
can claim little similarity to fact. The truth is that in
real life lawyers and judges are not gods. They are flesh
and blood people like the rest of us, and like the rest of
us, some are good at their profession, and some are bad.
Lawyers are often hated, because "they are blood-sucking
leeches who prey on the misery of society." In truth,
there are many fine attorneys who are in the business of
attending to the quality of life of their clients. The
justice system is so complicated a lay person cannot expect
to survive any kind of legal matter without the assistance
of an attorney.
It is in these unfamiliar legal arenas that the
divorcing spouses will be called upon to make decisions
that affect the rest of their lives. Burdened as they are
by the trauma of rejection and by the old myths that have
crippled their self esteem, they often fare poorly in the
legal process of divorce.
You have heard it said that the reading of the will
brings out the worst in people? (Incidentally, there
usually is not a "reading of the will," except on television or in the movies. Copies of the will are mailed to
each person named therein.) Notice of a will in Probate,
however received, brings out the worst in people. It is no
different in a divorce. When money is involved, greed,
jealousy, and pettiness come to the surface. In the first
part of the divorce scenario, some husbands feel guilty,
and mean it when they say, "I will always take care of
you." But later, when the chips are down, they will
wrestle you to the ground for every cent of what they now
call "my money." (Don't forget his mistress--she's out
there putting pressure on him; he'll need all his money to
keep her happy.)
When the wife leaves the marriage, she seldom
expresses any guilt; she almost always blames her husband,
and will show him no mercy in the courtroom.
Make no bones about it, once your spouse has spoken
those words, "I am leaving you," you will have been thrust
into an adversarial position. From now on it's "no holds
barred." The rest of your life will depend on the attitude
with which you approach the legal and financial struggle
that lies ahead of you. If you do not fight for yourself,
for your rights and for your future, no one will. That
must be re-emphasized: No one, not even the most
conscientious lawyer, has as much at stake in this divorce
settlement as you have.
A popular belief that works against the interests of
the rejected spouse is the American fantasy that justice is
dealt out automatically. Although our judicial system is
set up to protect the rights of the individual, the reality
is that if a person does not go out actively after his/her
rights, he/she can easily lose them. (We will expand more
on this matter in the next chapter. It is mentioned here
only to emphasize the need for the dumped spouse to take an
active part in the process of divorce.)
As you enter this whole divorce experience, there are
three major traps waiting to snag you and to render you
ineffectual in the forthcoming struggle:
First: You think, "He/she is leaving me, so I must be
no good and therefore I deserve nothing." Because of this
belief, you do not fight for yourself. This is why you
must work with a good therapist to help repair your damaged
self-esteem.
Second: The dumped wife thinks, "He says he will take
care of me, and I know he will. I cannot believe that my
husband would lie to me or cheat me." This is why you must
never sign anything without the advice of your lawyer.
Third: You think that everyone tells the truth in law
suits and in the courtroom. The fact is that they do not.
We will deal later with this particular trap when we talk
about financial declarations and giving testimony. This is
why you are going to hire a competent attorney.
(The terms “lawyer” and “attorney” are used interchangeably in this book.)
It is not easy to for the dumped wife to recognize,
and harder yet to admit, that the person she married and
spent so many years with is now out to "do her in."
Indeed, the husband will most likely have tried to convince
her that although he is leaving, he will always take care
of her and the children. No matter what he says, few
divorcing husbands are generous. After all, if he were
concerned with your well being, would he be doing what he's
doing? If he really wanted to protect you and take care of
you, he'd stay in the marriage.
Women who want out of the marriage often, in the
interest of softening him up for the "kill," will tell the
dumped husband that she won't seek spousal support; that
her lawyer checked that box on the form just to make sure
that option is left open. If the man behaves as she
wishes, he will not respond to the legal documents, and she
will then go to court and get pretty much what she wants.
Divorcing men go through emotional and attitudinal
changes. Often the wife of many years has become the
"Mother." Seeing her as his mother, he assumes that she
wants him to have whatever makes him happy. While he feels
chivalrous toward the mistress, he is blind to the needs of
his wife—the Mother.
Sometimes the long-term wife is regarded as a
millstone. She is the only thing keeping him from great
and total happiness. The man who feels guilty for doing
what he knows is wrong, has to make himself hate his wife
in order to feel justified in the way he is treating her.
This technique of self-deception is the emotional coward's
way of dealing with guilt. He is lying to himself and to
others.
(Some husbands may not really want legal freedom from
their wives, instead, they want to keep the security of the
marriage and yet be free to philander. Even if this is the
case, be assured that he is much more concerned with his
own economic well-being than with yours.)
The woman who has found another man will come to hate
her husband, and will treat him with utter contempt. She
will blame him for her infidelities, and punish him by
making him pay. She will tell him that he is sexually
inadequate (or a "beast"), and that he is a sissy or a
brute. Whatever she thinks will demoralize him the most
will be used to make him increasingly vulnerable to her
demands.
Few spouses remain truthful during the divorce
process. Don't forget they've been lying to cover up
liaisons with their "significant other." If it comes to
divorce, it is essential that you admit to yourself that
you are in for a fight. This person who wants a divorce
is not the same starry-eyed youngster who promised to
"love, honor, and cherish." No; this person is now your
adversary. Get wise and get tough.
If you have read this far, then you are smart enough
to see that your well-being is not uppermost in your
spouse's mind. Do not listen to their promises or permit
them to lull you back into emotional and/or financial
dependency. You must look out for yourself and the
children. As the parent and as a caretaker of the
children, you must do whatever is necessary to take care
of their rights rather than waiting for your spouse to do
it.
You are not a scapegoat or a millstone; you are a
person of worth who has legal rights.
What are your rights? Even though you are not feeling
great about yourself as a person, and may not feel that you
deserve much, in the eyes of the law you do have rights.
They include:
1.
The right to proper representation;
2. The right to financial information about yourself and
your spouse;
3.
The right not to be harassed or endangered;
4.
The right to keep your own separate property;
5.
The right to a fair division of community property;
6.
The right to request (or limit) support;
7. The right to request custody of children and/or
visitation rights.
Since justice is not dealt out automatically, you need
your own attorney to protect these rights for you. The
divorcing spouse will often tell the wife/husband, "don't
bother to get an attorney—you will only be wasting your
money. My lawyer can do it all." Do not believe this.
This is seldom good advice. A party being divorced
should, under most circumstances, have his/her own lawyer.
However, if the divorcing parties have reached an agreement—i.e., if there are no matters left to be negotiated,
then one attorney may complete the divorce as long as
both parties sign a waiver. This waiver protects the
attorney as well as the two divorcing parties. Still, the
party who did not retain this attorney should take a draft
of the marital settlement agreement to another attorney for
a review and consultation. It will cost $50.00 or so, but
it is important enough that it should be reviewed by somebody who has only your interest to oversee.
In other instances (usually when there is nothing to
fight over), the petitioner's attorney may prepare a
Marital Settlement Agreement for both parties to sign.
The Respondent also must sign a "Right of Advisement to
attorney" or "Waiver of Counsel." Signing this form
attests to the fact that he/she knows the attorney is not
representing him/her, and he/she also knows that he/she has
the right to have his/her own separate attorney and has
chosen not to do so.
Whatever the circumstances, it is usually not in your
best interests to give up your right to your own separate
attorney. You must have a voice in your own divorce
settlement—you must not give up your rights. If you have
no money, then you must beg or borrow the money necessary
to engage a lawyer.
When (or if) the husband of a non-working wife does
leave, she will need money for herself and the children in
order to survive. Without money, she will have a rough
period between the separation and the time it takes the
court to award temporary support. Without money, one's
options will be seriously limited. There would be no
choice but to stay and accept what is doled out to her.
With money, she can participate in the legal process. It
is usually better for the man to be fair about money at
the outset of the divorce. When the court is requested to
order the husband to pay the wife's attorney, the more he
resists, the higher the fee will be.
It is not unusual for a non-working woman to be left
in the crippling state of having no money to hire an
attorney, or even to live. Many men who leave without
warning will have already cleaned out the checking and
savings accounts, and the safe deposit box.
If your spouse has not yet made his/her final move,
and if there are joint accounts, withdraw one-half of the
funds and put them in your own account in another bank.
(Then it can't be spent on a sports car or a "friend.")
Don't spend this money frivolously; you will need it to
hire an attorney, find a new place to live, and perhaps
feed yourself and the children if you don't have enough
income (from whatever source).
The lower-income party should look through all personal
papers and make copies of any documents involving money and
property. Stay up-to-date on the contents of the safe
deposit box and record any changes. Take photographs of
collections such as coins, stamps, gems, etc. (These are
very good places to conceal large amounts of money. One
might buy a stamp collection for several thousand dollars
and tell that it's worth very little. Then at the settlement talks he/she will pretend to be generous and offer to
"take it off your hands.")
Keep track of all unusual or significant happenings
and transactions. Such things might be unusual absences,
increased mileage on the car and the explanations that are
offered. Make a record (preferably on a calendar) of
unusual phone calls and visits. If you are asked to sign
legal documents, note their titles and the dates. Write
all these events down on your calendar. Later, this can
be used to refresh your memory and as proof of action.
(Don't plan to reconstruct this calendar later, you must do
it as it happens.) Significant conversations should also
be recorded on this calendar, as well as money paid or
received, and child visitations.
When you realize that there is going to be a divorce,
it is important that you select a competent attorney.
You'll be in a state of shock. You are upset, your mental
processes are not working, you feel terrible, and you
probably don't feel like you deserve anything. But you
must not close your eyes and pluck a lawyer's name out of
the phone book or from a TV ad. You must not run to his
office and say "Here I am, take care of me." You must
give up your role of victim. You must take charge of your
own life. You must take an active and critical part in
selecting a lawyer.
WORKING WITH YOUR ATTORNEY
You have selected your attorney; now what can you
expect? Even under the best of conditions, dealing with a
lawyer for the first time can be a frightening experience.
To many people, and especially to the emotionally shattered
woman, the lawyer is surrounded by an aura of solemn
authority. An officer of the court, capable of complex
reasoning, he is to most, a formidable figure.
For the rejected wife whose self esteem has been
seriously crushed, whose ability to concentrate or think is
seriously impaired, an attorney can be a god-like figure.
Wounded and alone in an unfamiliar world of business,
finance, and law, she is very apt to feel that her lawyer
is the only thing standing between her and total
destruction. In this vulnerable state, it is all too easy
for her to hand her life over to this figure of authority
and say, "Here, take care of me." But you must not do
this. It is your future—you must take an active role.
Your function in the upcoming legal battle is to see that
your attorney has every bit of information necessary to
represent you.
Many men believe they do not need an attorney,
because, after all, being men, they know how the world
works, and they understand the system. Some men feel that
it is unmanly to seek the assistance of an attorney for a
divorce. If they have no children, their divorcing wives
earn adequate incomes, and there is no property to be
divided, they do not always need an attorney. Under other
circumstances, where there are children and assets, seeking
legal representation is not any less manly than going to a
barber to have a haircut!
Do not go into your lawyer's office thinking that
you're going to lay your whole platter of problems before
him/her and expect to receive your legal needs. You must
be a participant, not an on-looker. We do not mean that
you should give the lawyer legal advice, but rather that
you take the responsibility to see that everything
necessary to prepare the case is known. Information that
your attorney does not have cannot help you. It is your
responsibility to be sure that all you know about your
family assets and your spouse's finances is available to
the lawyer. In order for you to best help your attorney,
you must see that your emotional needs do not muddle your
thinking.
When a rejected spouse first sees the attorney, he/she
is most likely in the early stages of grieving over the
death of the marriage. Still working through the first
step of grief (the denial stage), it is likely that the
rejected spouse still wants the marriage. You must either
go ahead with your side of the divorce, or not; if you do
not, your spouse will get what he/she wants. If you go
ahead, you must put all your effort into it.
Your desire for the marriage to remain intact must not
be permitted to confuse your thinking or to interfere with
paying proper attention to the legal and financial
interests. (If, during the dissolution process, a reconciliation is attempted, the legal process can be put on
"hold" at any time.) But while the case is being
processed, it must not be conducted half-heartedly in order
to "avoid making him/her mad," or "win him/her back." All
too often a person holds just such a carrot out in front of
the spouse, to keep him/her off guard so the proceedings
will not be taken seriously (and not duly pursued).
The divorcing spouse is concerned about the children.
In late-in-life divorces, custody of the children is seldom
an issue. Grown or almost grown, these children are old
enough to choose their own place of residence. If they're
still with a parent, it is generally the mother. The man
who is divorcing in order to relive his youth does not
usually want the children. They would be in his way. A
woman who wants out, however, may very well want the
husband to keep the children; she may feel that the
children are a part of the problem.
The legal process of dissolution does not dictate the
future relationship between the grown children and the
divorced parents. How they relate to each other after the
divorce will be shaped by future events and by complex
emotional interactions.
When the rejected spouse realizes that the marriage
is, in fact, over, and when the issues concerning the
children are settled, one's attention turns toward getting
one's share of the family's worldly goods. This is where
the services of a good lawyer are imperative. Together,
you and your lawyer will have to fight to get what is
rightfully yours.
The first order of business with the attorney you hire
to represent you is to understand what he will charge. If
you have not been a wage earner or active in the business
world for years, or if you have never required the services
of a lawyer, you may not have a realistic idea of lawyer's
fees, court costs, and so forth. Or the non-working wife,
long dependent upon a husband for money, may have a sort of
silent hesitancy about spending "his" money to hire a
lawyer against him.
Although it is common practice for the wife's attorney
to request the court to order the husband to pay her legal
fees and costs, the court does not always comply with this
request. Because of this uncertainty, most attorneys do
require a retainer. They cannot take the risk of not being
paid.
You will probably be required to pay your attorney an
up-front, non-refundable retainer. This is actually his
minimum charge and will cover the usual costs and fees
incurred in representing you. If the divorce is stopped,
there will be no refund. If the case goes easily and is
without complications, there will be no refund. Most
dissolutions, especially those of lengthy marriages, will
require many hours of the attorney's time (billed as fees).
There are wide differences in attorney's fees. The amount
depends upon such things as the current hourly rate in
your community; the amount of time he spends in court or in
negotiation sessions; the time involved in client office
visits; the amount of research done on unusual matters;
time spent in studying records and documents; and the time
involved in phone calls. All these charges are "fees."
You will also have to pay any "costs." Costs can be
thought of as "out-of-pocket" expenses which the attorney
pays while processing your dissolution. They include
services of the process server, investigators, appraisers,
and court reporters (as at depositions); costs of court
filings, of documents subpoenaed and transcripts required.
These costs, of course, are higher in complicated cases.
All dissolutions (in California, in 1998) will incur at
least $225.00 in costs.
If there are many and complicated assets and
liabilities, expect both a larger fee and more costs. If
the total expense appears too large for the client to pay
immediately, the attorney may agree to wait and take part
of his/her fees from settlement funds. (In some states the
attorney's fee is a percentage of your settlement.)
You have the right to expect the attorney to explain
the fee system and requirements to you. It is not "pushy"
or "unlady-like" (or "unmanly") to talk about fees. You
should ask the hourly rate and how time is logged. You
should know how often you will be billed. You may request
periodical updates on the bill. (Many attorneys do not
routinely itemize statements, but will if requested.) Ask
what rate is charged for phone calls and for what portion
of an hour is billed (i.e., 5 minutes, a quarter or tenth
of hour). Ask what the charges are for time in court.
Some attorneys charge the same fee whether in court or
office; others charge more in court. A trial day is
usually considered to be from 9:30 to 12:00 and from 1:30
to 4:00.
Many law offices have a bookkeeper who logs attorney
time and keeps track of costs against each client's
account. For example, if the client has paid $1,500, there
is enough money to cover the initial costs (at least
$225.00), plus $1,275.00 worth of attorney time. If the
dissolution can be finished without going beyond this
amount, and the judge orders the husband to pay, the
attorney will remit to the wife the amount the husband
pays. If the attorney's hours spent on the case exceed the
amount the wife has paid, the attorney will apply the
husband's payment to her account and remit any overpayment
to her.
Between a lawyer and the client, the coin of the realm
is information—his and yours. We have several times stated
how important it is for you to give your attorney all
information pertinent to your dissolution. This is not
always an easy task. Since divorce is such an emotionally
devastating experience, it can be difficult to distinguish
between the facts your attorney needs to know and your
feelings you want him to understand. You must try to avoid
deluging your lawyer with non-essential information. The
lawyer does not need to hear, "He never remembered my
birthday," or "She kicked me out of the bedroom," but does
need to hear, "I signed my AT&T stock over to him because
he wanted to buy a building—'a real good bargain,' he said.
He put the deed to the building in both our names, and I
did not realize that I was actually making him a present of
half of my stock."
It's best for you not to try to get your attorney
emotionally involved in your marital problems. To do the
best job for you, objectivity is imperative.
Because you are not a trained lawyer or accountant,
you will not always know which facts are significant, and
which are not. It is for this reason that you must expect
your lawyer, if he/she is doing the job right, to ask you
questions. Many of the questions that must be asked would
be considered extremely rude if asked in polite society,
but this is a business situation. He also knows how some
husbands withhold financial information, such as retirement
funds, insurance policies, property and secret bank
accounts. If your lawyer doesn't ask questions, he
probably isn't doing his job.
In your relationship with your attorney, the subject
of phone calls is an often confusing and frequently
frustrating one. You should not expect to be able to talk
to him any time you take a notion to pick up the phone. A
busy attorney is often in court, in depositions, or in
other out-of-office business. When he is in, he may be in
conference with clients or other lawyers or is busy on
the phone. Lawyers spend a lot of their time on the
telephone and must charge for it. Much of the negotiating
a lawyer does takes place on the phone rather than in the
more expensive face-to-face meetings. Many matters are
settled by a series of telephone conversations between
attorneys, thus saving court appearances and the clients'
money.
A very common complaint of disgruntled clients is "my
attorney never returns my calls." A busy attorney can
easily receive dozens of calls a day. He could not
possibly return them all. If there has been no significant
change in your case, he may choose not to call back. If
there is no new information, there is really no need to use
your money on a phone call from him. If he thinks he knows
what information you want, he may have his clerical staff
return the call. Most offices do not bill for telephone
calls of the clerical help.
Many times the clerical people can explain matters to
you on the phone, and since they do the paper work, they
are already aware of your case. Like the attorney, they
are required by law to keep everything confidential. The
lawyer-client privilege of confidentiality extends to all
members of his staff. This is universally true, and the
attorney is liable for any indiscretions of his employees.
It is a good idea, when you telephone his office, to
first identify yourself, and then state what it is you want
to ask or tell him. If you are in the middle of a crisis
and the attorney is not available, the receptionist can
transfer your call to his secretary who would either tell
you what to do or try to reach him. If you tell the
secretary you have new information, she can tell him you do
not simply want an update of the case, and he will be more
apt to return your call. If you are calling because you
need some particular information, it is best to tell the
secretary this, so she can either give you the information
or place the proper priority on his returning your call.
You should not feel reticent to mention details of
your case to the clerical staff. Don't be embarrassed or
ashamed. Offices that handle dissolutions every day are
accustomed to the kinds of things that happen in divorce
cases and are aware of the intense feelings involved. The
staff's job is to help the attorney represent you. They
are not there to judge you, and as professionals, they
should keep their opinions to themselves.
A client who believes, "the squeaking wheel gets the
grease," may think that constant reminder calls will speed
up the case. In truth, by alienating the attorney, they
may actually slow the process.
If you are calling your attorney only because you need
someone to talk to, you are choosing a very expensive
listener. A phone call to the attorney may offer some
reassurance, but it is expensive, and a conscientious
attorney will not encourage such an expense. A person
who so desperately needs someone to talk to about his/her
divorce, probably has not found a good therapist.
One last item on the list: (this should never concern
you if you are dealing with a reputable attorney) If the
attorney starts "coming on to you," you must immediately
report it to the local Bar Association and get another
attorney. Embroiled in a divorce, hurt and vulnerable, you
are susceptible to anything that will lift your sagging
ego. A lawyer who takes advantage of such vulnerability is
guilty of non-professional conduct and should be reported.
For the sake of vulnerable people who will come next, you
must report the incident.
The layman is often distressed by the apparent
slowness of the legal process. The wheels of justice do
move slowly—and seem even slower to the person involved.
It is not uncommon for a dissolution to take several months
and many take more than a year. The length of time will
depend on how much investigation has to be done, how many
motions are processed, how many cancellations and delays
either side causes, and how crowded the local court
calendar is. In one of your early appointments with your
lawyer, you should ask for some idea of what time-frame to
expect.
In general, you will meet with your attorney only as
needed to answer questions, receive instructions, and be
briefed about such things as depositions, conferences, and
court appearances.
If your spouse's attorney takes some special action,
or if there is a change in scheduled meetings, you can
expect to be informed. If a settlement offer is made by
the other lawyer, you will be informed and given the
opportunity to decide whether or not to accept. Your
attorney does not have the authority to make such decisions
for you.
When either side files a document requiring some
action, your attorney is obliged to inform you. He/she
will do this in time to prepare the necessary responsive
documents. (All legal actions have stated deadlines).
Naturally, if you acquire any important new information you
should either call your attorney or send it to the office.
After the initial action is completed and papers are
filed, it is not unusual for weeks (or even months) to go
by without any new developments. There will be many times
when the only thing going on is waiting for a reply from
the opposing attorney or for a court date. During these
waiting times, your lawyer is not required to be in touch
with you. (An unprincipled attorney might fill these gaps
with unnecessary work in order to charge you more. The
person going through a divorce does not need the extra
burden of being charged for unnecessary appointments,
superfluous correspondence or for "make-work" filings.)
In counties where courts are crowded, it may be
several months before you can get a court date, although
when custody, visitation, and/or support issues are
pressing, a court date for those issues only, can be
scheduled in a matter of weeks.
Dissolutions are heard by a Superior Court Judge and
not in front of a jury. In California, dissolutions can
only be filed in the county where the Petitioner or
Respondent has been a resident for at least three months.
The judge's job is to decide issues on which the divorcing
husband and wife have not been able to agree. The greater
the number of unsettled issues brought before the court,
the longer and more costly the trial will be. It is to
everyone's benefit to reach as much of a settlement before
trial as possible. Attorneys often come up with solutions
or compromises as they talk informally among themselves in
the course of their daily routines. In this way they often
find solutions that the emotionally involved divorcing
couple cannot see. When taken back to the clients, these
suggestions can result in agreements and save everyone time
and money.
Sometimes, during lulls in the legal process, clients
worry that their attorney will "forget" them. They think
they need to keep constantly in touch lest important
deadlines are overlooked. In reality, deadlines are seldom
missed. Lawyers work on a calendaring system which
controls their cases and keeps track of significant dates.
A successful attorney is responsible for hundreds of cases
going on at once, and each is processed according to its
own carefully recorded calendar. The lawyer knows that if
he were to miss a deadline to the detriment of his client,
he would be liable for a malpractice suit.
The dissolution process is charged with much more than
the legal termination of a marriage. It also involves; 1)
protecting the rights of all involved individuals, 2)
providing support for the children and, where appropriate,
for the spouse, and, 3) equitably assigning all properties
to the rightful owner.
Throughout the whole process of dissolution, the
personal rights of the parties can be at risk. In most
dissolutions there is anger and there is hurt. Emotions
are rubbed raw and tempers are hot. To the courts is given
the task of protecting each person's legal rights.
The legal process should provide for the protection of
all individuals from harm, from fear, and from deprivation
of rights. Our judicial system is the finest in the world;
however, it is not perfect, and there are some parties who
are extremely vindictive (and have a good income to be
spent on attorneys) and will find ways to get around any
orders that are made. Unfortunately, the court does not
have the power to change peoples' personalities! Your
lawyer has access to the power of the law to try to see
that no one is harmed, harassed, or deprived of what is
rightfully his/hers. An attorney has the legal tools to
try to put an end to abuse, either physical, emotional or
other. He/she has legal instruments to try to make
certain that the opposing party does not deceive or deprive
his client. When the orders of the court are violated to
the detriment of a client, it is the responsibility of the
lawyer to take action. (Unfortunately, the implementation
of the powers of the law are sometimes frightening and
tedious, as well as time-consuming and expensive.)
In the dissolution process, the greatest proportion of
time and attention is usually devoted to financial matters.
This includes the disposition of separate and community
assets and liabilities, both present and future. Also
involved is the right of the spouse and the minor children
to ask for support.
The laws in California hold that community property is
to be divided equally between divorcing spouses. In the
areas where the application of the law is unclear, the
judge must make the final decision. It is the job of the
attorney to provide the judge with the information needed
to make such decisions. It is also the attorney's job to
be sure the judge understands the information he is given.
It is up to you, the client, to provide your attorney with
facts and figures, so that the judge has access to enough
information to make studied decisions regarding your case.
SOME OF THE LEGAL ISSUES IN DIVORCE
Throughout the United States, the public libraries
have books that explain the legal issues in divorce. The
main focus of this handbook is emotional and financial
survival. Each state has different rules and regulations
regarding dissolution of marriage, and an attempt to deal
with the entire legal system in one small handbook would be
an exercise in futility. Don't ask your attorney, at
$200.00 per hour or so, to explain the legal system to you.
Buy a book. What follows is a brief list of legal issues
you will face:
1.
CHILD CUSTODY, VISITATION, AND SUPPORT
These issues are usually dealt with at the beginning
of the dissolution process.
When there are children in a marriage, issues of
custody and visitation are addressed very early in the
case. In California, if there is a dispute over custody
and visitation, the parties are required to go through a
mediation process whereby they meet with a licensed
counselor to discuss these issues. The mediator makes
a determination based on the best interests of the child.
The judge can order what the mediator recommends, but has
the discretion to make different orders, under certain
circumstances.
With regard to support, in general, if there are minor
children (under age 18), child support will be ordered by
the court. Special efforts are made to provide for children with unusual health or social problems, who require
particular treatment, education, or therapy. If a child
over eighteen is still in high school, support can be
ordered for the child until he/she graduates or turns
nineteen. The court, in determining child support amounts,
considers the amount of time the child/ren spend with the
non-custodial parent. If the kids are with Dad at least
half the time, and Mom has adequate income, there may be no
child support ordered. Child support is not a consideration that can be waived, and the amount ordered is always
subject to being modified.
Child support is almost never ordered for children to
attend college. If one party wants the other party to
contribute to their children's education, there should be
a discussion of the matter between the parties.
Child custody, visitation, and support orders are not
permanent, and can be changed periodically if a change in
circumstances is presented and recognized by the court.
2.
SPOUSAL SUPPORT:
In California, the determination of spousal support
is always discretionary, and is based, in part, on the
county's guidelines. Individual counties and states
reflect different attitudes towards spousal support, some
being less generous to the woman than others.
The information on the Income and Expense Declaration,
submitted as an estimate of needs, is seldom the deciding
factor in the judge's decision concerning spousal support.
The following items are taken into consideration in
the determination of the amount and duration of payment of
spousal support:
1. Length of marriage.
2. Ages of spouses.
3. Wife's education and her ability to work.
4. Husband's income.
5. Wife's income.
When spousal support is ordered, it can be constant
or decreasing, with or without a termination date. Spousal
support should never be waived, because doing so precludes
any future award. Even if the judge doesn't grant any
spousal support the first time, it should not be waived
(the judge can order that the issue of spousal support be
"reserved"). Unforeseen future circumstances could create
the need for support, but if it has been waived, it cannot
be requested again. As with child support, spousal support
orders can be changed upon presentation and recognition of
changes in circumstance.
3.
PROPERTY
In a dissolution in a community property state, the
division of community property will be based upon information supplied by the two opposing counsels. Each side
will prepare a list of assets and obligations, which,
unless contested, will be accepted by the court as valid
and truthful.
The following is a break-down of the financial
considerations in a dissolution. The disposition of any
items which the divorcing husband and wife have not agreed
on, will be determined by the court.
PROPERTY is either SEPARATE PROPERTY or COMMUNITY
PROPERTY. It is either an ASSET or a LIABILITY.
SEPARATE PROPERTY ASSETS include:
a.
Gifts given to you alone by a third party.
b.
Inheritance or inherited items left to you, not to
the family. (Funds from different sources should
not be mixed—i.e. "commingled.")
c.
Items owned before marriage; or bought with gifts
of money to you; or bought since separation.
SEPARATE PROPERTY LIABILITIES include:
a.
Debts incurred prior to marriage.
b.
Debts incurred after separation.
COMMUNITY PROPERTY ASSETS include:
a.
Income: Income of both parties and business
income or value. (Business started with community
funds is a community business.)
b.
Cash or cash value: Checking or savings accounts,
bonds, retirement accounts, and cash values of
insurance policies, pension funds including
military or railroad. (Each partner is credited
with having paid in half of the premiums for the
time the marriage existed.)
c. Real estate includes:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Family residence.
Business property.
Rental properties.
Second home, condominium, etc.
Bare land.
Disposition can be affected by how real estate is
held. "Joint Tenancy" ownership involves two
people with the survivor getting the other's half.
"Tenants in Common" can involve more than two
people, and allows each party to sell his/her
share.
d.
e.
f.
Vehicles: All vehicles purchased with community
funds, or gifts to the community (marriage).
Pending litigation: Settlement from pending
lawsuit (personal injury suit, civil suit, etc.).
Possessions: Anything purchased with community
funds during marriage. This usually includes
household furnishings.
The court does not always require a detailed list
of furniture and personal effects. A ball-park
figure of how much money they would bring at quick
sale is usually adequate. With regard to antiques
or items of unusual value, a furniture dealer
should be consulted.
COMMUNITY LIABILITIES (OBLIGATIONS) include:
a.
may
b.
c.
d.
e.
f.
g.
Mortgages, liens on real property. (Although deed
be in both names, mortgage may not be.)
Encumbrances on vehicles.
Personal loans.
Charge accounts.
Installment debts.
Business liabilities-- (depending on how the
business or liability was set up).
Medical bills.
SUPPORTING DOCUMENTS:
For every claim a lawyer makes in court, there must
be documents to support it. Supporting documents can be
requested for any claims, whether property, income, or any
asset or liability. Those documents not readily found can
be subpoenaed or searched out by hired investigators.
Supporting documents may include:
---Income tax returns for last three years.
---Pay check stubs (wife & husband) for current year.
---Documents with legal description of any real property.
---Mortgage payment coupons on any real property.
---Passbooks and savings certificates; (banks, Savings &
Loans, and credit unions).
---Stock certificates and/or bonds, statements from
brokers.
---Life insurance policies and statements of loans against
same.
---Copy of pension, retirement, or investment programs.
---Copy of pink slips, registrations or certificates of
ownership of any vehicles, boats, or motors.
---Copy of financial statements or statements of net worth
prepared for securing bank loans or any other purpose.
---Copy of current wills, including those of third parties
from whom inheritances are anticipated.
---Any written agreements made with the spouse, (such as a
premarital agreement).
---Copies of any appraisals of real property.
---Copies of all promissory notes either owing to or owed
by either or both parties.
---Copies of statements for any outstanding debts.
---All pertinent court documents, (as other litigation
involving either party).
In addition to the division of all assets and
liabilities, other arguable issues are those of spousal
support, child custody, child support and visitation. In a
no-fault dissolution state, the divorce itself is not an
“arguable issue.” If one wants a divorce, one can have it.
Occasionally, one party may file a Petition for
Separation, which usually means they want their assets and
liabilities split, custody, visitation, and support issues
decided, but they wish to remain married. Frequently those
who seek separation have reasons, such as religious belief,
for opposing divorce. Sometimes, people think that having
a separation on file will cause the other party to “sit up
and take notice,” and quit fooling around—or whatever. If
the Respondent checks the “Dissolution” box on the
Response, a dissolution will be granted. The person who
requested separation ends up being divorced.
HER NEW BEGINNING
Barbara closed the front door behind her and tossed
her car keys onto the hall table. She stood in the doorway
of the family room and listened. For seventeen years this
room had been the busy, noisy center of their family
activity, but now it was silent. She was alone.
The
numb; as
the room
her with
trial was done.
if nothing real
and every chair,
memories of the
It was all over, and yet she felt
had happened. She looked around
every lamp, every picture flooded
life that would be no more.
She turned and walked down the hall; she had to fight
against dwelling on the past. She had gone over this many
times with her therapist: "Focus your attention, not on
what happened in the past, but on what you will make happen
in the future."
This must be the "post-trial" blues they talk about.
She had a feeling of incompleteness--as if there had to be
something else yet to happen. In court, everything was
business. Everyone was so intent on dividing up her life,
splitting up the property and counting money, that no one
thought to stop for a minute and say to her, "I'm sorry."
It wasn't as if she wanted the divorce, nor as if she had
been given a chance to prepare for it. No, this
dismembering of her life was thrust upon her, and she had
no voice in the matter. She had no choice but to swallow
all the hurt and the pain as best she could and try to pick
up the pieces of her life.
Barbara feared she would never understand nor be able
to fully accept what had happened to her marriage. In her
head she could hear her counselor's voice warning her
against too much looking back, urging her to look forward.
It made sense to keep looking ahead, Barbara knew, because
that was, after all, the direction she was going to make
her life take.
Barbara made herself a cup of tea and took it upstairs
to the bedroom. Sprinkling bubble bath into the tub, she
turned on the hot water. Through a circle rubbed clear of
steam, she studied her face in the mirror. She smiled.
Lifting the cup of te.3a up to her lips she toasted her
image in the glass, "To me and to the future," she said.
The realtor came to put the house on the market and
gave Barbara a list of suggestions for sprucing up the
place. He pointed out several walls that could stand
painting "to make the house more appealing," as he put it.
He told her he'd always try to give her plenty of notice
before bringing clients through, but in the same breath,
explained that when he had a hot prospect, it just wasn't
good business to put them off until the next day. He knew
Barbara would understand that all this was for her—to make
it easier for him to sell the house for her.
Barbara spent the next week painting here and there,
and working many hours in the yard, weeding the flower beds
so as to make the garden attractive. She'd never had much
interest in gardening; that had been Phillip's domain.
The yard had been badly neglected since that day--the day
he left.
One early morning when the phone got Barbara out of
bed to answer it, she was stunned at hearing Phillip's
voice. It was still there—the emotional impact of him—of
even hearing the sound of his voice. Trying to remain
calm, she listened quietly as he told her he wanted to come
by that evening to pick up his stereo and the chair and
sofa. She explained that taking the furniture now would
leave a big gap in the family room and make it harder to
sell the house. She asked him to wait a bit for it.
"No," Phillip said, his voice stern and unyielding,
"I can't put it off any longer. We need something to sit
on. Besides that, you know it's mine, and so you have no
choice. I'll be there at 6:00," and he hung up.
As Barbara waited for Phillip to come, she relived
every emotion she'd felt toward him since that day two
years ago. Going through it all again, through the
disbelief, the rage, and the hurt, left her exhausted. She
fortified herself with positive messages, and by the time
he arrived, she was ready. He drove up in a rented truck
and walked up the driveway just as he had done hundreds of
times before. He had the same old look of confidence about
him. Now she wondered if it was confidence or arrogance.
Suddenly Phillip was no longer the formidable figure from
her past.
He had brought a helper with him, a young man Barbara
didn't know, and Phillip's introduction was so swift she
never did catch his name. Phillip's whole manner made it
perfectly clear he would tolerate no interchange with her.
He avoided looking at her and said nothing. Barbara
removed herself to the far corner of the room and waited
silently while they stripped the stereo out of the cabinet,
and took away "his" easy chair. The two men exchanged
scarcely three words as they maneuvered the love-seat out
through the doorway.
Barbara was puzzled by Phillip's unspoken rage. She
was hurt that he treated her as if she didn't exist. Yet,
there was also growing in her, a sense of freedom from him
and from the relationship which, she now saw, had been
destructive to her.
Later, when Barbara heard Phillip had married his
mistress, she suffered several days of misery. All the
pain came back; the rejection, the humiliation, the guilt
and the self-doubt pounded at her. He really went through
with it! He married that woman! And Barbara was hurt!
There had remained deep down inside her heart the hope (she
knew it was foolish), that he was not really leaving
her—that he'd always be out there some place holding his
hand out for her. But now it was over. She had to let go
of this last bit of wishful thinking. It was painful, and
it took all her courage.
For the next few months, the realtor was good to his
word, and always let Barbara know when he had someone to
show the house. She dreaded being home when he brought
clients through. She hated to hear them talk about
changing this and changing that. She hated the thought of
other people, husbands and wives and children, living in
her house--the house she loved so dearly.
Keeping everything spotless and always picked up,
ready to show, was doubly difficult because she was also
sorting and packing. They had lived in that house for most
of the years the children were growing up and there was an
accumulation of seventeen years to be sorted and tossed
out, or kept. Going through the attic and the garage was a
slow process. It was a painful process that dredged up all
kinds of memories--both happy and sad. There was the cage
that had once held a parakeet, the balsa-wood airplane
wings left over from a Cub Scout project, and the sleeping
bags they'd used on their camping trips. These memories
were too dear to be thrown out, and yet, what do you do
with them?
Barbara could only work at this task for short periods
of time. She found that she got depressed when she overdid it. She printed a sign and propped it up in plain view
whenever she was going through old boxes and things. The
sign said, "Focus on the future, not on the past." It
helped. Each week Barbara could see the task get a bit
easier, until she came across a box of old family photos...
At the top of the box was their book of wedding
pictures. Holding the unopened album in her lap, she tried
to visualize Phillip sitting up here on the attic floor
surrounded by mounds of dusty boxes full of memories. He
had not had to sort through any old memories. He had
simply packed a bag and walked out on the past—never once
looking back. Barbara set the wedding album aside for
later. She would look at it when she was a bit more sure
of her own strength.
Between visits from the realtor, Barbara was out
looking for a house to buy. All she was sure of was that
it had to be a whole lot cheaper than their present house.
Discouraged by the houses she saw, and not at all sure in
her own mind what kind of place she really needed, or even
if she wanted to remain in the same city, she thought of
renting for the time being. Renting an apartment, a
condominium, or even a house for a while, would give her
time to decide what she really wanted to do.
Several of the apartments she looked at were small,
and after having a big garden for so long she was afraid
she'd feel terribly cramped in a tiny little space with not
even a view to enjoy from the window. The realtor showed
her some rental houses in a neighborhood suitable for her.
One that she particularly liked would hold most of
her furniture, and there'd be no problem with taking her
dog, Buttons.
She decided to lease the house for a year. She had
promised herself at least that long before making any major
decisions like buying a place or moving to another area.
The realtor sold her house and Barbara and Buttons
settled down in their rental. She turned her full
attention to looking for work. At first she worried about
whether to get a full time job or a part time job, but the
question soon became academic when she found none at all.
It had been 27 years since she held down a paying job
(before the children were born). Even then, her clerical
skills had been minimal, and now rusty from lack of use,
they scarcely fitted her for anything.
She took several civil service exams, for county,
state and federal positions. For the results of each she
waited months only to find out that she was not high enough
on the list to have any real chance.
There were waitress jobs available, but they were more
than she could handle physically. The receptionist job
interviews she went to all turned her down for "very
legitimate reasons." It was clear to her that had she been
30 years younger, she might very well have been hired.
Job hunting was demoralizing; it kept reminding her of
her own inadequacies. She had to make an effort to take
time out to watch her own physical health. She forced
herself to follow practical, common sense guidelines. She
had a regular check up with her doctor, went in for her
annual pap smear, and did monthly self breast exams.
Although weight had never been a big problem to her (for
which she was grateful), she had always paid close
attention to what she fed her family. For years she had
watched Phillip's diet, to be sure it was low in fat and
cholesterol and high in fiber and vitamins. Now, she
could start taking care of her own diet and fixing the
foods she liked.
Although from time to time her nerves were jangled,
Barbara resisted taking any nerve pills. She felt that
(within limits, of course), it was better to face her
problems and conflicts rather than to submerge them in
medication. Sometimes she went without sleep, but unless
it went on for too many nights, she shunned the sleeping
pills the doctor had given her.
Exercise, she found, did her more good than pills.
Wearing off some of the nervous energy this way seemed to
help her sleep better. She took up walking in the early
mornings--it helped her spirit and did wonders for the
dog's waistline. She mentioned to her doctor that her
arthritis was easing. He was not surprised. The severe
emotional strain caused by her divorce was bound to have
had a harmful effect on her whole system. He encouraged
her to continue her walking, and told her that few things
were better for the spirit or the body than getting up
early and taking a walk.
At the time the divorce had become final, Barbara was
seeing her therapist once a week. She continued to do so
until, together, they decided to try every other week to
see how it worked. It wasn't long before Barbara felt she
was ready to go it alone. The therapist was enormously
pleased with her progress and agreed it was time. With
the understanding that Barbara could return any time things
became too stressful, the therapist explained it would
always be appropriate for her to come in once in a while
for a "tune-up." Barbara bid her a grateful farewell and
went out to take up her life on her own.
A bit frightened at first by being cut loose, Barbara
soon came to appreciate just how much she had grown and in
so many different ways. She felt much stronger now than
she had in a long time. She was beginning to experience
the joy of being alive that had somehow been lost over the
last years. Every day there were new little flashes of
excitement, and she came to feel that she could handle
whatever crossed her path. It had been a long time since
Barbara had known such joy of being alive or such
confidence in herself.
Since becoming single, Barbara's life had taken on a
different tone. Continuing her life-long habit of keeping
monthly calendars of her activities, she could see how the
pattern was changing. There were names of new friends now,
and different kinds of activities. The names of those
friends who had been mostly "our friends" were scarcer now.
At first this bothered Barbara, but, talking to other
divorced women, she knew this was the usual pattern. Now,
when she looked at some of those "couple-type" friendships,
she saw she no longer shared much of the old interests.
Barbara was making new friends; women, men and
couples, people who shared her interests—rather than those
who came as part of the "Mr. and Mrs. Package." There were
some, of course, whose friendships remained—they were
people Barbara felt close to because of who they were, not
because they were half of the couple.
She met several new men. She enjoyed them as friends,
yet she was acutely aware of her fear of getting close to
any man. She just wasn't ready to trust a man again. In
talking this over with her therapist on one of her "tuneup" visits, Barbara learned that that was "par for the
course.” She was able to give herself permission to go
slowly in this part of her life.
Many of Barbara's divorced women friends were outspoken about remarriage. As one woman put it, "No way.
I'm enjoying my freedom too much to want ever to go back to
picking up some man's dirty underwear, and having to be
there three times a day to cook his meals."
Barbara knew the statistics showed that between the
ages of 40 and 49 there were 10 women for every 3 men, and
that most divorced women over 50 never remarried. She had
read that between 45 and 65, only one woman remarried for
every four men who did. To Barbara, dating was a decision
that would wait. She wasn't ready even to think about this
yet, nor was it something that worried her.
Barbara, fortunately, had never been the kind of
person who had to have people constantly around her. She
enjoyed others' company, but always needed a certain amount
of "alone time" too. Now that she could schedule her
life's activities to please herself, she was able to have
a balance between "alone time" and "people time."
One thing she did in her "alone time" was refinish
furniture. This gave her a tremendous amount of pleasure
and satisfaction. Working on an old garden bench, she
thought about Phillip, and could almost hear him say, "just
chuck it out, don't waste your time on it, we'll buy a new
one." Now the decision was hers to make.
Barbara also became adept at doing many of the household maintenance chores which had always been Phillip's
domain. She found many helpful "How-To" books in the
public library, and became quite good at getting information from clerks in "Home Improvement" stores. These new
skills became a source of pride to Barbara. They gave her
a sense of being in control of her own life. She made the
decisions whether to hire someone or do it herself. Either
way, she felt in charge of her own life.
Earlier, Barbara had worried about living alone, and
had thought she would be afraid living in the house without
a man to protect her. Then she found several things she
could do to relieve this uneasiness. She asked the local
police department for a safety check of her house. The
officer looked over her place and suggested exterior
lights, dead bolts on the outside doors, a safety lock on
the sliding glass door, and dowels in the tracks of sliding
windows.
The landlord agreed to put in the exterior lights, and
Barbara hired a locksmith to install the dead-bolts and the
lock on the sliding glass door. She bought a smoke alarm,
and put a fire extinguisher in the garage. These safety
precautions, in addition to her dog, gave Barbara a sense
of security. She was no longer afraid to live alone.
She began to find many talents that had remained
dormant over the years—talents she had repressed in
deference to a "higher authority." She enjoyed arranging
the house to suit herself, and found she had fun
experimenting in the kitchen. She liked knowing that if
she wanted to eat at 10:00 at night instead of at 5:00, or
if she wanted a peanut butter sandwich or just a salad for
dinner, she could do what she wanted, and would not owe
anyone an explanation.
Television was another area of change in her life.
She had never been a sports fan, and now found it a relief
not to have sport events on all weekend and every holiday.
She no longer had to watch cowboy shows or the cop shows
that seemed more slanted toward male tastes than women's.
Of course Barbara admitted that there were times she
was lonely. But then, so were there many—too many—times
when she was lonely while married to Phillip. This had
been true more often in the last few years. Loneliness in
her marriage had been something she could not remedy.
Mostly it was time spent waiting for Phillip to come home,
or waiting for him to talk to her. But now, when she felt
lonely, she was free to do something about it; she could
call a friend or she could go out.
Barbara did finally get a job. Hired as a clerk in a
city office, she was paid minimum wage. She worked with
three other females—all just out of high-school or in their
early twenties. Although they were pleasant enough,
Barbara felt out of place, and somehow demeaned by the
position. She could not help but compare her position to
Phillip's. The divorce had made no change in his career.
He continued to run the engineering firm as he had always
done, while she had been lucky to get any work at all.
This job would certainly never have been a career choice
for her.
The health benefits would have been helpful had she
lasted on the job. After a three month probation period
she was dismissed. They said she was "too slow." Being
fired was a terrible blow against her self-confidence. It
brought back all of the same self-doubt the divorce had
caused.
Barbara picked herself up and resumed job hunting.
She worried about money and what would happen to her in the
future. She knew she had to get a job if for nothing more
than the health insurance. If she got sick right now, it
could wipe out every cent she had. She wouldn't be
eligible for Medicare for years, and individual health
insurance cost much more than she could possibly pay. She
suffered many sleepless nights worrying about how she was
ever going to find someone to hire her.
The only other solution she could think of was asking
Phillip for an increase in spousal support. She hated even
thinking about this. She didn't like having to accept
anything from him, let alone having to ask for more. She
knew he was doing very well financially (he had just bought
a 40 foot boat), but still she hated the thought of having
to depend on him for anything. The thought of being beholden to the man who discarded her made her skin crawl.
She tightened her belt.
Barbara's total assets at this point consisted of
spousal support (which she prayed to God Phillip would be
reliable about paying); her share of the proceeds from
selling the house (there wasn't a lot left after paying
Phillip her share of the mortgage payment); and, for ten
years, a percentage of the business profits.
Her spousal support had no time limit on it, and so it
would continue until Barbara remarried, Phillip retired or
became unable to work, or until he convinced the courts to
reduce or discontinue this obligation. None of this added
to Barbara's sense of security. As a wife of more than ten
years, she would be entitled to her share of Phillip's
social security benefits when he either became 65, or died,
or became disabled. Until then, she would get nothing
because she had not worked long enough to be entitled to
any social security on her own.
After thinking through her whole financial picture,
Barbara decided it best not to buy a house, at least for
now. She would continue renting so she could invest as
much as possible from the sale of the house and from the
money she got from the business. This she knew would be
all the money she'd ever have. She had to build it up into
as much income-production as possible. She had to plan her
own financial future. There was no one else to do it for
her.
Since the divorce, she had become a competent
researcher. Whenever there was something she needed to
know, she simply set about finding the information for
herself. What she needed to know now was about investments—how to make her money work for her.
If she went to a stock broker for advice he would tell
her to buy stocks or bonds; if she asked a banker, he would
tell her to get Certificates of Deposit or Treasury Bonds,
and if she went to a realtor, he would tell her, "Land,
that's where the future of this country lies," ("Buy land.
They ain't makin' no more!") and if she went to an investment counselor, he would advise her according to his own
personal philosophy. It was up to her to make her own
decisions.
She needed a place where she could get answers to
questions and learn about sources of information. She
enrolled in a class in Personal Finance at the local
community college. There, she learned the number one rule:
"If anyone tries to rush you into a financial deal, run
away from it. No reputable deal has to be made in a
hurry."
A class assignment sent her to different banks and
Savings & Loans to find out about their accounts, the
interest, and the penalties they charged for infractions of
the rules. This search into the world of money eventually
gave her the confidence to make her own investment
decisions.
In her reading and in class, Barbara learned about the
different kinds of life insurance. She decided to buy term
insurance on Phillip's life. Reasoning that if he died
while still paying her spousal support, she'd lose that
income and have only social security, which would be less.
A life insurance policy would help whenever he died.
In the Personal Finance class she learned about
credit, taxes, budgets, and other financial matters she had
ignored during her marriage. Her new knowledge would
protect her from loss and help her make the most of what
she had. A person who owns a computer can learn how to get
on the inter-net, and that is a great source of many kinds
of information.
Except for these worries over money, Barbara was
content. Her way of life was not what it had been: the
house she lived in was nowhere near as nice as the one she
shared with Phillip; there was not the money for vacations;
and even meals out had to be carefully rationed. There was
a peace in her life and she was mostly comfortable,
although sometimes she couldn't help getting angry. She
knew that Phillip and his new wife were enjoying all the
affluence and security which had come as part of her
marriage contract—the part that started out—"for better or
for worse." In the money department, Phillip's mistress
got the "better," and Barbara got the "worse."
Her new life brought with it an ability to face
challenges as they came and a confidence in this new
ability. All this helped Barbara build for herself a
satisfying life. Although she never found another job,
either part time or full time, she did from time to time
earn money baby sitting and doing occasional sewing. With
cautious investments and careful planning, her income
provided the necessities of life.
Barbara's relationship with her children remained one
of the most satisfying parts of her life and was further
enriched when she became a grandmother. She found satisfaction in her church activities. She had many interests
which she shared with new friends. She gave much of her
time to helping others, and although she continued living
alone, her life turned out to be full and rewarding.
It had not been easy for Barbara to overcome being
dumped by her husband of twenty-nine years, but she did,
and when she did, she found there was a lot more to Barbara
than she had ever believed.
HIS NEW BEGINNING
Aaron left the courthouse in the knowledge that his
divorce was over, and soon, he would have documents
proclaiming that fact, and outlining his entitlements and
responsibilities regarding his divorce. The final court
appearance seemed anti-climactic.
Only 29 years old, Aaron had a bright future to think
about, but it just didn't seem that "bright" today. He had
struggled to finish college and start his career, knowing
that he would be able to take good care of his burgeoning
family. His wife and baby were the lights of his life, and
the home they were buying was a great source of satisfaction to him.
Now, he is alone most of the time. The love of his
life had left him so she could take up a lesbian lifestyle; she became the primary caretaker of their child, she
stayed in their home, and she was mean and nasty to him
every time she saw him in the exercise of his visitations
with the child. This woman, whom he had loved as much as
life itself, showed him nothing but utter contempt, and
made both him and their child miserable. Looking at things
this way, Aaron didn't know why he felt so lonely.
At the beginning of his divorce, he started counseling
and he felt quite strong after his counseling sessions. He
had watched himself go through the regular stages that he
had been told he could expect.
Aaron still does not know how his ex-wife could do
what she has done to him and to their child. He doesn't
even know how she could have done this to herself! He had
a very difficult time dealing with her rejection of not
only him, but of men. It felt as though he was such a
terrible man, he had somehow caused her to despise all men.
The counselor he chose (having been referred by a coworker) is female, and has been a marvelous source of
emotional support, as well as providing information that
helped Aaron to better understand the turmoil that his exwife is also enduring.
He got a small apartment, and enjoyed fixing up a nice
bedroom for his daughter. He got some inexpensive
furnishings, and equipped his kitchen as well as he could.
Since his ex-wife was employed, he had shared the cooking
and housework. These tasks were done so lovingly for the
family; it was difficult to do them just for himself. He
was glad he knew how.
There were some items of furniture that were his
separate property. He dreaded going to the family
residence to pick up his items; he knew it would be an
emotional trauma just to see his home, and also knew there
would be a fight between him and his ex-wife. Another set
of hurdles to be scaled. He was pleased to see that when
he arrived at the family residence, he saw not his family
home, but an ordinary house. His wife was there, with her
female companion and his child. He said nothing; he just
got his stuff and left. That was okay.
All that is left for him to do now is to continue
attending to his career, exercise and enjoy his
visitations, and take care of his financial obligations.
He would take each event in hand and deal with it as it
comes. Aaron intends to return to court after some months,
and request more time with his child.
It is unfortunate that Aaron, in the midst of the
trauma of rejection and destruction of his life-plan, has
had to summon the police to the sites of child exchange, on
more than one occasion. Having accused Aaron of domestic
violence in the past, his ex-wife has used that non-event
as a ploy to attempt to destroy his relationship with their
child. She apparently doesn't realize the self-destructive
aspects of that kind of behavior, and either does not
realize or does not care, that she is hurting their child.
Life is going to be hard for Aaron for a long time.
Being a healthy young man, Aaron needs female
companionship. He is aware of all the cautions regarding
safe sex, and his counselor has also made him aware of his
emotional vulnerability. He has met a young, unmarried
woman, with whom he has enjoyed several quiet talks, a few
riotous parties, and, yes, intimacy. His child and his new
friend like each other. With regular counseling "tuneups," and with the other parts of his life returning to
some kind of normalcy, he will be fine.
THE END
THE MOVING FINGER WRITES; AND, HAVING WRIT,
MOVES ON; NOR ALL YOUR PIETY NOR WIT
SHALL LURE IT BACK TO CANCEL HALF A LINE
NOR ALL YOUR TEARS WASH OUT A WORD OF IT
Quatrain 71
Rubaiyat of Omar Kahyyam