1. art and entertainment
2. humor

Suggestions
How
LAUGHTER
of
SPARKS
Toastmasters
to
Tell
to
a
Funny
Story
Second
Edition
STEWART
ANDERSON,
74
NEW
CORTLANDT
YORK
STREET
CITY
Inc.
1921
Copyrighted
Inc.
Anderson,
Stenvart
By
v.: ": "
:^
"
Ywi.
Foreword
give the pleasure of laughter and
To
teach
to
how
to
create
laughter is the dual object of this small volume.
For
the
fine
those who
ask of it
siftingsof thousands
that have
only that it
of
in the American
appeared
them, it offers
amuse
quips, jests,and
humoristic
brief
press,
and
anecdotes
in
some
foreign publications,during the last twelve months, together with
smile-provokers that have been sent to the compiler or that he has
heard
vis-a-vis or
in the small
circle or
in the public audience.
This
collection
American
accurately mirrors
contemporaneous
taste
in humor.
For
those whose
to
desire is
Toastmasters"
instruction,the
"How
and
to
two
Tell
a
chapters,"Suggestions
Funny Story," will
The
supply it in practical form.
aspirant for the honors of a
Toastmaster
is given a plan which
will carry
him safely from novitiate
that time has come,
and he has gained
to mastership ; and when
the self-reliance which
late
experience gives,he will be able to formuhis own
and
them
with
his own
magnetize
programs
sonality.
perTell a Funny
"How
the
for
him
to
Story" lays
course
would
become
who
And
both
adept in the jester'sprofitableart.
would
be a super-excellentToastmaster
and to him who
to him who
be a king of jestersan
abundance
would
of material
is supplied,
which
lessons.
in the compilation
precedes the two
Indeed, it
would
be difficult to find any other publicationwhich
suppliesboth
a
rich fund
And
may
of humor
I add
material
that while
also, in their varied
and
a
instruction
nation's
in its use.
jestsfeed its laughter,they
reflect its life.
aggregate,
shall find the
Look
beneath
the
thoughts, the ideals,the foibles,
the fads, the virtues, the vices, the pains, the pleasures,the loves,
And
thus the flippantor
the hates of the representativemultitude.
joyous or satiric words that are touched with laughter are also "an
surface
jestsand
abstract
and
you
brief chronicle
of the times."
Stewart
A'en)
York, November,
1921.
Anderson.
of Laughter
sparks
Just IrritatingHim
Kept
Magistrate
"
punishment for you and
size beating a poor, weak
Prisoner
"
But,
The
kind.
your
only suitable
is the
(severely) Horse-whipping
of
idea
like that!
woman
and
Honor, she keeps irritating
your
of your
man
a
irritating
all the time.
me
Magistrate
Prisoner
hit
old
"
does she irritate you
Why,
reprobate of
Magistrate
a
?
me!
keeps saying, "Hit
she
I'll have
and
once
me
How
"
hauled
you
magistrate and
(choking)
see
Beat
up
he'll do with
'Twas
with
a
would
in
Glasgow
baby who
Cross
Was
would
that
you."
Discharged.
"
Boslon
"
George
Just
that bald-headed
before
what
me!
a
George's
at
Post.
Cross
traveling in a tramcar
crying as though his little heart
was
woman
persistin
break.
"Hush, laddie!" the mother would keep murmuring gently,only
tering
with difficulty
restrainingher irritation at the audible and unflather offspring.
of the other passengers
anent
comments
called
Cross
the
Soon
conductor
the car
reached George's
and
of the place: "George's Cross!
out
George's
loudly the name
Cross!"
Then
the
mother's
bubbled
anger
and
over
she
sprang
up
excitedly.
"Of
so
would
is cross!" she cried,with
be if you were
cutting your back
George
course
you
flashingeyes.
teeth!"
"
You
"If you
on
will make
the
Bet
boy
He
gettinghim boxing lessons."
"Why so?"
"A kid with long hair has got
to
know
how
"
5
London
Tit-Bits.
Has!
his hair
wear
"And
long, I
to
at
least insist
fight."
Louisville Courier-
Journal.
Sparks of Laughter
Can
A
nervous
See All the Way
went
woman
to
have
Down
her throat examined
by
a
cialist,
spe-
while
"You'd
who,
adjustingthe laryngoscope,remarked:
know
how
far
this
down
with
ment."
instruwe
can
see
surprisedto
be
"Is that
doctor?"
so,
patient. Then after a pause,
begin,doctor,I ought to tell j^ou that I really
that hole in my stockingbefore I came
here."
she said,"Before you
hadn't time to mend
faltered the
"
A
She
was
sweet
a
looks like
Lesson
in
Post.
Meatology
bride,who
young
Houston
had alreadyfound
that what
to have gone
pieceof meat in the shop often seems
through a privatetransformation scene when it arrives home.
old married friend
"How
is it?" she inquiredeagerly,when
an
called upon
to have such delicious
her, "that j^ou always manage
a
nice
beef?"
"I first select
"It's very simple,"repliedthe older woman.
good honest butcher and then I stand by him."
"Oh, I see, you give him all j^our trade, you
bride.
innocent young
her
"No!"
answered
mean?"
a
said the
companion, grimly,"I stand by him while
he is cuttingthe meat!"
"
Pull
A
Scotchman
who
the
Trap
and
notorious
was
Dump
a
as
Him
sive
skeptichad erected a masday he observed an elder
for his final rest, and one
of the kirk gazing at it.
"Strong placethat,hey David?" he said.
mausoleum
WashingtonPost.
"It'll tak
a
mon
some
Judgment."
Day
David, "ye can gie yersellittle fash aboot
"Hoot, mon,"
raisin'when that day comes.
They'll tak the bottom oot o' it and
time
tae
raise up
oot
o' that
at
the
o'
said
let you
fa' doon."
"
A
"Your
has
we
went
Sanctified
London
Telegraph.
Pup
Honor," said the proseaitingattorney, "your bull
and
chawed
"Well," grumbled
can't adjourn court
up
the
to
the
court
Court, "make
get
a
new
the witness
kiss the pup;
Bible."
"
6
pup
Bible."
The Labor
Clarion
{London).
Sparks of Laughter
"You
There
Savvy
God?"
prominent lawyer in San
who
prided
questioningChinese witnesses. He
culty
was
however, and on one occasion got into diffivery near-sighted,
through failingto notice that the dress of a certain Chinese
witness was
of finer texture
than that worn
by the ordinary coolie.
The followingdialogueensued.
was
himself
on
a
his
is your
"Sell
Lung."
"Do
you
in
astuteness
"What
Francisco
name?"
live in San Francisco?"
"Yes."
"Do
you
God?"
savvy
"Mr.
I comprehend the
to ask whether
Attorney, if you mean
entityof our Creator, I will merely reply that on next Thursday
evening I shall address the State Ministerial Association upon the
subjectof 'The Divinity of Christ,'and I shall be pleased if you
will attend." To the day of his death the celebrated lawyer will
the question,"You
God ?"
never
escape
savvy
"
Dunce
A
negro
lad had
been
Case
and
Comment.
!
Virginiapolicecourt for
stealing chickens. The
magistrate
brought into
the fifth time
a
charged with
determined to appeal to the boy'sfather.
"See here," said his honor, "this boy of yours has been in this
that I'm quite
times charged with chicken-stealing
court
so
many
tired of seeinghim here."
"I don't blame
seein' him
here
"Then, why
rightway
and
as
gets
seem
to
the parent, "an'
him
have
I's tired of
is."
you
don't you teach him how
he won't be coming here."
"I has showed
don't
jedge,"said
you,
act?
to
Show
him
the
rightway," said the father,"but he jest
talent for learninghow, jedge; he always
de
no
caught."
"
Do
You
Blame
Lan"per and Banlier.
Him?
"I will
(afterhaving his lease read over to him)
not
sign that: I havena' been able tae keep Ten Commandments
tackle aboot a
in Heaven, an' I'm no' gaun
for a mansion
tae
in the High Street!"
for twa rooms
hundred
Mr.
McNab
"
"
7
London
Opinion.
Sparks of Laughter
Wife
"Did
"
you
sittingin front of
Husband
Wife
Worship
notice
chinchilla
this
us
"Er
"
"Um.
"
Chinchilla
coat
lot of
I
dozing
was
good
Terrible
Professor
woman
"How
"
of the time."
most
the service did
you."
Chicago Tribune.
"
History
the
on
morning?"
Afraid
no.
"
A
the
!
Alexander
was
I
Russia
of
killed?"
Student
(vaguely)
"By
"
Professor
"Be
a
bomb."
little more
please."
explicit,
er
(in desperation) "Well, you see
"
Student
a
"
"
The
A
captain of
who
passenger
a
whale.
if
A
hove
was
dozen
liner
Legion PFee^/y.
bothered
was
always
inquiringabout
times
day she besought him
a
exploded."
Whale
Blubbering
Atlantic
an
it
"
American
"
the
by
woman
a
of seeing
possibility
have her called
to
in
sight.
"But, madam," the captain asked her rather impatiently,after
in silence,
long suffering
"why are you so eager to see a whale?"
she
"Captain,"
answered, "my desire in life is to see a whale
blubber.
be very impressiveto watch such an enormous
It must
one
creature
cry."
"
Killing the
Harper'sMagazine.
Infant
Brown
Little Tommie
always interested in his
was
it while
sister. One day he stood peering down
upon
singingit
sleep.
"Nurse,"
whispered
new
nurse
baby
was
to
he
at
last,"she's nearly unconscious,isn't
she?"
"Yes," nodded the nurse, and continued singingthe lullaby.
don't sing any more
"Then
Tommie
whispered in alarm:
or
you'llkill her."
"
Drop
Policeman
"
"Lost
yer
Those
mammy,
Evening NeJes {London).
Skirts !
'ave
j^er? Why
didn't yer
keep hold of her skirt?"
Little
Alfred
"
"I cou-cou-couldn't reach it."
"
8
London
Opinion.
Sparks of Laughter
Pander
We
Two
the
Tommies
turned
front and
eastern
Our
to
into
went
punsters
said
Punsters
restaurant
a
the waiter, "We
to
want
over
on
Turkey with
Greece."
"Sorry, sirs,but
replied,
"Well, then,get the Bosphorus."
The
waiter
The
boss
Russia, but
want
to
went
away
heard
in and
came
can't Servia."
we
then said,"I don't
Tommies
So the two
their order
and
can't Rumania."
you
Hungary.
"
Freely
We
In
a
in
largepark
the bandstand
"The
seats
with
citiesthere
this notice
are
seats
about
them:
posted on
vicinityof the bandstand are for the use of
should make use of them only after the former
in the
Gentlemen
seated."
ladies.
are
Assent
of the Eastern
one
and Finance.
Commerce
The
"
Doc's
Own
American
Legion JVeelily.
Yob
Jay, woke up one morning
with a desire to loaf. He got put on sick-call,
thinking it was
looked
him over,
At the dispensarythe doc
worth trying,anyway.
Then
he said :
felt his pulse,and took his temperature.
Axel,
a
Swede
"I can't find
No
in
outfit
an
Fort
at
you."
with
anythingwrong
answer.
"See
here, what's
with
wrong
"That
"Doc," repliedAxel.
anyway?"
you
bane your
The
"
Father
"Where's
from
"He
Jimmy?"
Teaches
asked
j^ob."
American
Legion Wee^l}).
Jimmy
the head
of the
house, coming home
work.
was
very
naughty,"repliedhis wife.
"I
sent
him
to
bed for
swearing."
indignant father. "I'll teach him to
minutes the indignant
swear!" and he rushed up-stairs.For some
parental voice resounded through the house, and then Jimmy's
"Swearing?" roared
mother
the
called:
"John, dear.
I'm
sure
Jimmy
has heard
enough for the first
lesson.''
"
9
The
American
Legion IVeel^ly.
Sparks of Laughter
Do
They
Two
strangers to each other, sat side by side in a
train.
the other and became
turned
to
Finally,one
men,
suburban
confidential.
"am
"I," he said impressively,
I signalthem
sky-scraper.When
line is
to
of elevators in
starter
a
to
go
up,
they go
up.
When
I
a
And
city
your
?"
"I," said the other, "am
go down, they go down."
undertaker.
an
The
"
American
signalthem
Legion Weekly.
Bantams
afraid to fight;
that's all it is."
"Aw," said Willie,"5^ou're
"No, I'm not," protested Jack, "but if I fightmy ma'll find
it out
lick me."
and
she find it out?"
"How'll
"She'll
see
the doctor
goin' to
j^our
house."
"
O. ". R. Bulletin.
Occupation
Dangerous
good provider,Dinah?"
a
"Yessum,
good providah all right,but I'se alius skeered
dat niggah's
gwine er git caught at it."
husband
"Is your
a
he's
"
And
"There
seemed
"Yep.
Ma
"What
to
So
She'd
Oughter
be trouble in your
house
this morning."
got after Pa."
for?"
"Oh, he forgotand wiped his
razor
on
one
of the guest towels."
"
He
The
of
a
man
O. E. R. Bulletin.
Couldn't
Shoot
Sausages
Detroit Free Press.
!
strode into a poulterer's
shop, and
sportsman
who
business,said :
meant
with
the air
nice,plump pheasant?"
sir,"repliedthe shopman,
not a pheasantleft,
sorry,
fine sausages
that I can
"but here are
highly recommend.
some
wife will be delightedwith them."
I'm sure
your
"How
I tell
the sportsman.
can
"Sausages be blowed!" j'elled
"Can
"I'm
my
wife
you
sell me
a
I have
I shot
sausages?"
"
10
Los Angeles Times.
sparks of Laughter
Yes
An
Very
"
burst into
agitatedwoman
!
policestation in Chicago not
a
long ago with this announcement:
himself for some
"My husband has been threateningto drown
for two days. I want
time,and he's been missingnow
you to have
the river dragged."
he could be
"Is there anything peculiarabout him by which
recognizedif we should find a body?" asked the inspector.
For
a
the
moment
a
look of relief came
hesitated and seemed
woman
her face and she
to
at
a
loss. Then
:
replied
"Why, yes! He's deaf."
Harper'sMagazine.
"
A
walking along a road,
united. The
roads finally
girl was
The
another.
iron kettle
on
afraid
place and
this iron kettle
in the
"True,"
the ground
and
spiteof
one
he
ravine with
through that
on
my
back
other,and
the chicken under
put
hand
am
and
a
in
cane
it is
you,
hand
one
leadingthis goat?
and foot!"
"but if you
repliedthe girl,
and tie the goat to it,and
be tied hand
carryinga large
w^as
man
along
man
young
it,then you
I
!"
"
and
should stick your
turn
I have
might
the kettle
lonely
a
and kiss me
by
me
might overpower
he
kiss
I possibly
asked,"when
you by force,"
can
chicken
go
a
a
force
you
"How
to
a
and
held,by the legs,a live
leading a goat. Just as
cane, and he was
deep ravine the girlsaid to the young man :
In
his back.
chicken,in the other
they were
coming to
"I'm
Apple
the
Indicates
Eve
a
live
well
as
into
cane
upside down
might wickedlykiss
me
in
resistance !"
my
"I should
have
never
thoughtof that,"he
said.
into the
the ravine, he stuck his cane
ground and tied the goat to it and, lowering the kettle from his
shoulders,imprisoned the fowl under it,and kissed the girl!
he
when
And
to
came
"
Told
DoRTS
up
"
your
Jack
Doris
thought you
lipsjust now.
I
were
Million
"
er
"
when
going to kiss me
it was
"
"
"
II
Tar
Bab}).
Times
only a piece of gritin
Then, for goodness sake, swallow it
No
"
a
Carolina
my
you
j^ou
puckered
mouth.
need
some!
Edinburgh Scotsman.
Sparks of Laughter
And
"There
boasted
isn'tmuch
the
"I'll
Youse
Can
Try It !
I don't know
about
you," a friend picked him
paragraph to you."
dropped as he heard :
"As Hugh Hughes
'Have
seen
you
ewes?*
my
Europe
an3'wherein
a
this yew
I will go with
ewes," said Hugh.
"
Than
Worse
pencil,but his jaw
a
look for your
to
a
"
until I hew
will wait
"If you
quickly. "I'll dictate
yule log from a yew tree a
dark hue came
and said:
up to Hugh
hewing
was
dressed in clothes of
man
up
air the boaster seized his
assured
an
English language,"
in the club.
man
long-haired
test
With
the
That
tree
NeTD Orleans
Comes
you
T'tmei-P'tca^une.
Later
Sunday school had justbegun when the teacher turned to nineand asked him why he had been absent from
year-old Edward
came
Sunday school last Sunday. His answer
promptly and
last Sunday."
clearly: "Pop and me went
blackberrying
Teacher
Edward," she exclaimed.
was
nonplused. "Why,
"Don't you have any idea what will happen to littleboys who pick
blackberries on Sundays?"
was
"They'll get
"Yes, ma'am," his answer
again prompt.
chiggerson
them."
Neros.
Indianapolii
"
?
?
"A
"Well,
I know
cuse."
She shot
better
Your
them
a
told
as
you.
me
Mary
flirtsmore
spitefullook
looking than
husband
exclaimed
I?"
flirt,am
?
at
Ann, under
than
I do, and
her mistress and
'Ow
'andsome.
More
notice
with
added:
do
to
go.
less hexI
"I'm
know?
so."
do," said her mistress,frigidly.
"I can
"But I ain't finished yet!" retorted Mary Ann.
give a
'oo told me
mum?"
better kiss than you! Want
to know
that,
"That
will
"
husband
"If you mean
to suggest that my
"No, it wasn't your 'usband this time," said
was
your
Mary
Ann.
"It
chauffeur."
"
12
Til-Bits
(LonJon).
Sparks of Laughter
Generation"
in Their
"Wise
principalof a certain school for girlshad occasion
sharplyto one of the pupils.
he said sharply,"you've neglectedyour work
"Alarion,"
The
and
you
remain
must
with
me
it,I'm
wife doesn't mind
"if your
I don't."
sure
Denver
"
So
Quit Working
Those
which
who
are
we
feelingdeprest
are
passingwould
fully,
shame-
"Well," she said,
shrugged her thin little shoulders.
Marion
speak
after school."
hour
an
to
Hardl
the labor
at
receive
Times.
good
a
troubles
tonic if
through
they took
a
through Whitechapel, for on the notice-board of a certain
has been
church there the followingpieceof anatomical pleasantry
painted:
walk
It is easier
To
frown
smile than
to
64
use
you
to
frown
muscles,but
!
only 13
"
From
Tiiere is an
a
Funny
Column
But
"
English church where
a
smile!
to
London
It Isn't
box
a
Morning Pat,
Joke
hangs in the porch. It
Cranks put their notes
for the pastor.
minit does fulfilits purpose.
in it,but occasionally
Recently the ister
on
"Recognitionof Friends in
preached,by request, a sermon
is used for communications
found in
following note was
Sir
I should be much
the box: "Dear
obligedif you could make
'The Recognition
it convenient to preach to your congregationon
of Friends on
Earth,'as I have been coming to your church for
nearly six months, and nobody has taken any notice of me yet."
Heaven," and during the week
the
"
"
Had
to
Swear
an
Christian Register.
Oathful
Speaking of moving-pictureactors, a good story is told of one
When
asked by
for breach of contract.
who was
suing a company
"It
he replied,
is because
the court why he claimed so large a sum
the greatest actor in the world."
of his friends badgered him about
A few days later some
mighty high opinion of himself expressed.in the statement.
I
am
know
"but I
it
was
must
have
under
sounded
oath,so what
somewhat
the
"I
conceited,"he explained,
could I do ?"
"
13
Boston
Transcript.
Sparks of Laughter
Resourceful
A
Judge
arms
carrying of fireBefore him appeared a
judge had declared that he would
A
in the
of
streets
tough youth charged
in the crowded
Western
a
with
the
stop
town.
getting drunk
firinghis
and
revolver
streets.
costs,"said the judge.
"But, your honor," interposedthe counsel for the defense,"my
client didn't hit anybody."
"Ten
dollars and
"But
he admits
he fired the
gun."
"Yes, but he fired into the air,"explainedthe lawj^er.
dollars and costs,"repeated the judge. "He
"Ten
might have
hit
angel."
an
PittsburghTimei-Cazette.
"
Ever
Just Sojourning
"
She
the habit of
had
that's nothing;
appointment
have
so
It?
being late in keeping appointments. Well,
This particularday the
other women.
with
was
Done
At
husband.
her
last she did put
in
an
appearance.
"Oh, are you waiting for me, dear?"
"Waiting? No; sojourning!"
Von^era Statesman.
"
Mother
Mr.
Seines
De
Pardon
me,
Wallop
a
(on being introduced
but
madam,
have
to
adored one's
we
not
met
^Yes,I
am
the
before?
mother)
Your
"
face
strangelyfamiliar.
seems
for
before you
"
miles in
whole
two
reading a
sat
Mother
One's
Adored
you
Lands
street
a
who
stood up
the other day while
woman
car
paper.
"
Telegram,
Golosh
the Para
And
Toronto
bodies?
legislative
Paw
Congress, and the British
"Well, there's the American
Parliament,and the French Chamber of Deputies and the German
Reichstag,and the Japanese Diet, my son.
to
that's only five,and the teacher wants
us
But
Willie
Willie
"
Paw,
can
j^ou
six noted
name
"
"
six.
name
Paw
Now,
"
Well, there's the
don't bother
me.
"
er
"
Can't you
er
"
see
the
Hungarian
I'm reading?
"
14
Goulash.
Eagle.
Broolilifn
Sparks of Laughter
Homicide
Justifiable
"Certainly,I killed my husband !" calmly said the fair prisonhome and found the
at the bar.
"Why shouldn't I ? I came
eress
handsome
sofa pillow
wretch sleepingwith his head on my
i
n
voice.
cried the twelve juroresses one
"Not guilty,"
"
Kansas
"
Has
No, Nor
City Star.
Else !
Anybody
The
being discussed,the representaorigin of the bagpipe was
tives
of different nations eagerlydisclaimingresponsibility
for the
atrocity.Finallyan Irishman said: "Well, I'll tell you the truth
about
it. The
Irish invented
the Scotch ain't seen
joke;and
sold it
it and
the
a
year
Hub
Have
"
Why
Quibble?"
Smoke
ever
thought how
many
you
if you
saved the money
Often.
I estimate
"
myself,but only two
f
hats you
find
help me
can
Constable
can't
"
out
could
for
for you.
Boston Transcript.
Say, friend,my
what's
Talltimber
the
Sure
!
engine'sstalled. Think
with
matter
I
"
You
but
can,
I won't
just
but
for speedin',
Boston
"
Over
Crazy
you
it?
in ten minutes I'll fix
pinch you
an'
for
then
pinch you
parkin'here too long.
engine,
A
buy in
you squander in smoking ?
that I could buy about twenty
Yes, They'll Get
Motorist
a
JVaichtnan-Examiner.
"
The
as
joke yet!"
"
Wife
the Scotch
to
I
now.
up
your
Clobe.
Him
ing
managed to get into conversation with a pretty girldurHe
with
himself
and
a
v/as
railway journey.
pleased
very
when the train arrived at his destination he said to the girl:
"I have to thank you for making this otherwise dull journey a
I'm afraid you wouldn't, perhaps,have been
pleasantone.
very
so
man
nice if
"Oh,
I'm
an
you'd known
I
was
a
married
man."
that,"said the girl,"you have
escapedlunatic."
as
to
no
advantage over
"
15
me.
Houston Post,
sparks of Laughter
lives close
sufferer who
A
of Lodore
Cataract
Regular
to
a
railroad
yard in the suburbs
complaining about
following to the railroad company
the racket made by a switch engine:
is it that your switch engine has to ding
"Gentlemen:
Why
and dong and fizz and spit and bang and hiss and pant and grate
and grind and puff and bump and chug and hoot and toot and
whistle and wheeze and jar and jerk and howl and snarl and puff
and clash and jolt and screech
and growl and thump and boom
the
wrote
and rattle and
snarl and slam and throb and roar
yelland smoke and smell and shriek like hell all night long?"
and
snort
and
"
Boston
Globe.
Yes, Why?
pop?" the small son of a minister
writing your sermon,
asked interestedly.
"Yes, my boy," was the replyof the divine as he looked up from
his manuscript.
the next
what
"How
do you know
to write, pop?" was
tion.
ques"You
tells
"God
what
me
son," the minister replied
write, my
to
impressively.
littlefellow looked
The
what
tells you
"If He
scratch
go back and
out
a
doubtful.
write," he demanded, "why do
to
you
lot of it?"
"Judge.
Civic Patriotism
"It
a
was
diplomaticculprit,"says a Denver
brought before a judge in our town not so long
shrewd
very
and
law3'er,"who was
The judge fixed him with a stern eye and said :
ago.
illegally.'
'You are charged with having registered
^our
Honor,' said the man, 'maybe I did, but they were
"
"
so
hard
to
beat Your
Honor
desperate.*
"
Ought
High
Teacher
School
to
"
Harper* Magazine.
Been
Have
Who
ing
try-
"
that I became
can
tell me
something about
Nero?
Bright
Pupil
"
Is he the
one
mentioned
in
"Nero,
my
God,
thee?"
"Judge.
16
to
sparks of Laughter
Well"
The
Did
teacher of "conversational
He?
French"
in
certain Eastern
a
mademoiselle
collegewas a lively
"just over."
One bright afternoon she stopped two
girlsvery
wanted
to buy an
"eponge pour la bain," but did
excitedly.She
know
not
what
ask for.
to
"Bath
take home
you
want
big bath
a
you," said the girlsin chorus, and
the village
drug store.
with
her
A
Tell the salesman
sponge.
to
clerk
young
stepped
forward.
to
sponge
they
Mademoiselle
panied
accom-
advanced
bravely.
"will
"Please,"she said,smilingly,
give me a big sponge bath?"
you
kindly take
home
me
Succesi,
"
Vice-President
When
Vice-President
Marshall's
Marshall
was
and
Humor
strugglinglav^^er in
a
Indiana, a book agent entered his office one
to
sell him
ask who
to
a
nev/
the author
this is the
"W-h-y,
"I am
fully aware
was.
Bible,"explainedthe agent.
of that," answered
Marshall.
"But
I ask
is the author?"
who
you
took
morning and underedition of the Bible. Marshall
interrupted
again explainedhe was offeringthe Bible.
"I know," said Marshall, "but who's the author?"
Gathering up his samples,the book agent retreated to the door,
hand on the knob, turned around and shouted,"You
then with one
it'sthe Bible!"
idiot,
pinheaded fool and blithering
The
agent
"
A
Cappers IVeel^l^.
Novice
Clumsy
"I'm afraid you
boy,"said the elderlyphysician,
rich in the profession."
will
"My
get
doctor.
asked the young
of the richest women
told one
not?"
"Why
"You
in
her
town
complaints
imaginary."
were
"And
so
they are."
but you
she couldn't understand
"To
a
never
be
sure,
should have
and
put
told her
her down
so
for
in medical
at
least
two
terms
visits
week."
"
18
Birmingham Age-Herald,
sparks of Laughter
Shall
"Shoot?"
V/e
A
Pittsburghlawyer was conducting a case in court not long ago
and one
of the witnesses,
a
burly negro, confessed that at the time
of his arrest
he was
Immediately tlie
engaged in a crap game.
to tell the jury just how
lawyer said, "Now, sir,I want
you
you
deal craps."
"Wass
dat?" asked the witness, rollinghis eyes.
"Address
the jury,sir,"thundered
the lawyer, "and tell them
just how 3'ou deal craps."
"Lenime
heah!" cried the witness uneasily. "Fust thing I
outen
know
this gem-man
gwine to ask me how to drink a sandwich."
Boston
"
"Dear
The
teacher
county
class
a
Teacher's"
One
Transcript.
Meteor
good showing before the
superintendent,so when he asked the boy at the head of the
the mother of the
was
light."Who
questionher heart was
was
anxious
to
make
a
There
the query.
was
great Scottish hero, Robert Bruce?"
he went
the rounds of the other pupils.
so
no
answer,
joy, for the boy who
last the teacher grew
radiant with
standingat the foot held up his hand.
At
"Well,
my
boy," said
was
was
"who
the superintendent, encouragingly,
she?"
was
"Please,sir,Mrs.
Bruce."
"
The
"Beeg
Steef"
Columbus
Dispatch,
Waited
by a division
headquarters during the winter of 1918-1919, Alphonse, the
barber, endeavored to learn to speak English.To this end he was
Yank
dispatch-bearers,
diligentlycoached by numerous
sergeantlearned
clerical
fast.
workers, and Alphonse
majors,and
than the commanding generalof the division
No less a personage
shave in a
strode into the barber shop one
a
day and demanded
it and rose
rank when
he saw
to the
hurry. Alphonse knew
In
of the sm.aller cities in central France
one
used
occasion.
mon
general,"he replied,bowing with the French
"Sairtainlee,
general,an' you be nex',you beeg
politeness."Seet down, mon
steef."
The
generalwaited.
"
19
American
Legion W^ee^/y.
sparks of Laughter
Joke's
the
on
Joker
"
Queer
Name
Spell
Elizabeth
for
Englishman
"
It!
N.
Barr, an editorial writer with the Reclassificationist,tells a story of an Englisha^an who telephonedto say he had
received his paper.
not
in understanding the
Having difficulty
the editor asked that he spellit.
name,
'Ow
do you spellit?" the Englishman said. "Spell it with a
"
hoe and
hen
a
and
a
he and
a
hi and
two
hells."
Washington Times.
"
"Father's
Perfume"
"Pussyfoot" Johnson, whose effort to prohibitionize
Scotland
his failure with a New
was
York editor.
recentl),
discussing
I
he
"Yes,
failed," ended, "and I'm very sorry.
Conditions in
failed
Scotland
"Did
are
very
bad.
hear the story of the deacon's
story illustrates Scottish conditions very well.
"The
wife of a Peebles deacon took a bath one
ever
you
daughter? This
evening,and
as
it was
rainy,chill November
weather, she swallowed a teaspoonful
of
after
her
bath to keep herself from catchingcold.
two
or
whisky
"Then
in her dressing-gownshe went
to bid her littledaughter
the child's cot
and a kiss was
good-night. She stooped over
exchanged. After the kiss the littlegirldrew back sharply,sniffed
and
"
said:
'Why,
mamma,
you've been
using father's perfume, haven't
"
you.'
Detroit Free Press.
"
Keeping
the
Sabbath
Holey
"Chick"
Evans, the brilliant golfer,was
talkingat a recent club
dinner in Chicago about Sunday golf.
"The
prejudice against playing golf on
Sunday," said Mr.
but in New
Evans, "has practically
disappeared,
England there are
stillclubs where the game
is not permitted on Sunday.
"To
continued Mr. Evans, "of his
deprivethe modern player,"
week
the
in
the
that some
men
only day
can
Sunday golf
play is
a
great hardship."
Smiling,the great golferadded whimsically:
of fact, doesn't the golfer remember
the
"And, as a matter
Sabbath day and keep it 'holey'?"
"
"
"
20
Los
Angeles Times.
Sparks of Laughter
Libel
A
She
was
j'oung
toisesliellcan^pus
;
she
She
pretty.
was
windshields.
And
my
a
she stepped up
as
assurance
look!" she said. "I've got to
the
to
read
tor-
co-ed's
the American
she had
blithesome
"Oh,
the traditional
wore
librarywindow.
It's for
books.
some
men
English VI semi-Hnals. Look, have you got 'The Four Horsewith the Erysipelas,'
And
I want
by that Spanish Caveman?
book of poetry, too.
Something kind of jazzy. See?"
"
Getting
The
young
New
Yorl( Tribune.
Collection
a
housewife, looking very pretty and workmanlike
overall,Avas cleaningout the pantry cupboard.
in
big green
"Dickie,"she called to her young husband, who was smoking in
the spick-and-span
littledrawing-room, "I want
to bring me
a
you
a
home
mouse-trap
to-morrow."
"But, angel,"cried the
only yesterday."
"I know, pet,"called back the
mouse
"I
man.
young
young
brought
you
bride, "but that
one
home
one
has
a
in it."
"
Spanish River
News.
Yea, Verily!
O
Woman,
Light
When
A
as
in
easeful hours
our
the breeze that
feminism
woos
the
flowers,
distorts the brow
thou!
devastatingtempest
"
An
Father
Accurate
Diagnostician
Judge
-
giving the fair young
daughter a lecture about her
beau.
He
exclaimed,"Does he know who pays the light bills?
Doesn't he know
enough to go home at the righttime?"
The daughter replied,
"Yes, he knows enough to go, but he was
sick last night."
tell me
With
that father started in again. "Don't
that a big
him
sick.
What
earth
fellow
like
the
was
on
was
matter
husky
wnth
As
"He
was
him?"
the fair young
daughter started for the
has heart trouble."
door, she
"
21
sang
back,
Ner"s.
Indianapolis
Sparks of Laughter
No
Drouth
There
In the showing of a pictorial
weekly in a movie house in
news
San Diego, Calif.,the operator flashed on the screen
a
pictureof
generalsridingin
French
distinguished
two
lined the pavements,
their hats.
"My
their umbrellas
Suddenly from
up
the audience
it'sstillrainin'
Gawd,
His
"Here's
"She
an
advertisement
for
must
American
beautiful,I suppose?"
almost
must
hard
as
be 'under
to
The
meet.
40, immune
from
the
"
Casey Gets
Irishman
Legion Weekly.
wife."
a
Birmingham Age-Herald.
"
An
cry:
Specifications?
be young,
rich,and
the requirements are
"No, but
that she
advertiser specifies
movies, and house-broken.'
the awed
there!"
over
Are
dripping from
water
came
"
What
automobile. Crowds
an
and
His
Pass
into the office of the
presidentof the Illinois
Central Railroad and said:
"Me
name's Casey. Oi worrik out in the yar-rds. Oi'd like a
pass to St. Louis."
"That
is no way
to ask for a pass,"said the president. "You
should introduce yourself
politely.Come back in an hour and try
came
it again."
day back
the end of the
At
he inquired,"Are
yez
the
man
the Irishman.
came
I
Doffing his hat,
before?"
saw
"lam."
"Me
name
is Patrick
Oi've been
Casey.
workin'
out
in the
yar'rds."
I do for you?"
"Glad to know you, Mr, Casey. What
can
Yez
"Oi've got a job an' a pass to St. Louis on th' Wabash.
go
can
to
hell."
Case Eagle.
"
The
The
Man
the
in
Shocker
Shocked
Athletic
Shirt
"
Say!
Where's
the
towel ?
His
And
the
Wife
in
for heaven's
neighborsto
an
Evening
Gown
"
Aren't
sake,pull down the window
see
you exposed like that?
5^ou
shade ! Do
ready yet?
you
want
"Judge.
22
Sparks of Laughter
God
Bless
Her!
Kittj'-,
aged four, had been naughty and her father had had to
administer vigorouscorrection before going to business.
That
an
impressionhad been made was
when, on his
apparent
from
business
the
in
return
evening, Kitty called upstairswith
frigidpoliteness:
"Mother, your husband's home."
Boston
"
Mr.
Happy
Globe.
Shepherd!
Botts,a Mobile darky, was
callingupon a neighbor,Mrs.
Shepherd.
observed Mrs. Botts.
"Ah
notices yo' is housecleanin',''
"Yes, Ah is,"repliedMrs. Shepherd. "Dey ain't nothin' like
in a while.
movin' things'round once
Why, Mrs. Botts, Ah jes'
fo'
a
across
pair of slippersunder de baid dat Ah 'ain't seen
come
Mrs.
coupleof j^eahs."
a
"
A
"New
Harper'sMagazine,
Beginning"
last year a little Swede
presented himself
for instruction.
certain schoolma'am
the teacher asked.
"What
is your name?"
In
Minnesota
to
a
.
"Yonny Olsen," he said.
old are you?"
"How
how old Ay bane."
"Ay not known
"Well, when
were
you
"Ay bane
born
at
not
born?"
continued
the teacher.
all;Ay got stepmutter."
Everybody's.
"
The
Chicken
Halted
Hiking through the small French
of American
unversed in the appetites
front of
a
forth from
"Halt!"
colored
detachment.
ignorant chicken,
an
darkies,crossed the road in
zeal
much
pursuit.
the officer in charge. Both
the ranks and
bellowed
With
town,
set out
a
soldier broke
in
fowl and
negro
their paces.
Halt!" repeatedthe officer. The dusky doughboy made
"Halt!
plunge, grasped the chicken by the neck, and stuffed it,still
only accelerated
one
struggling,inside his shirt.
"Dere!"
he panted. "Ah'll learn
you
to
halt when
de
captain
says halt."
"
Journalof
23
the American
Medical
Association.
Sparks of Laughter
"Smyytthhe"
When
Alice
attained the age of sixteen she undertook
alter the orthography of her given name
to what, it seemed
to
to
Smith
her, was
a
had
Accordingly,she began
poetic form.
more
herself
Alyce. Thus
course,
the firstquestion put
designatedshe
to
her
sign
to
school and, of
with reference to her name.
entered
was
"Alyce Smith," she said. "A-1-y-c-c."
"Thanks," said the teacher. "And how
new
a
are
Smith
spelling
you
now.*^
PhiladelphiaLedger.
"
At
Cheap
A
took his wife
man
Any
Price
the doctor.
to
He
was
a
simple fellow,
lived in the country all his life. The
doctor placed a
thermometer
in the wife's mouth.
Just before he removed it the
and
had
spellbound,being unused to such silence
the part of his better half,blurted out:
on
"Doctor, what will you
take for that thing you put in her mouth ?"
man,
who
had
w^atched
"
When
"Some
years
"before
Queen
Queen's jubileewas
conversation
an
American
Victoria's death
to
between
two
Poit.
Jubilee'sa Jubilee
a
ag^o,"says
Boston
be
who
and
used
about
celebrated,there
old Scotchwomen
to
the
time
a
street
the
this
overheard
was
on
don,
live in Lon-
corner:
"
'Can ye tell me, wumman,
what is it they call a jubilee?'
folk has been married
said the other. 'When
'Weel, it'sthis,'
twenty-fiveyears, that's a silver wuddin'; and when they have
"
fiftyyears, that's
mon's dead then it'sa jubilee.'
been
married
a
golden v\aiddin'. But
if the
"
"
She
And
When
lady who
was
by a
asked
indignantly
:
a
overtaken
"What
"You
do you
want
was
Got
By
"burning up
With
It
the road"
traffic officer and
with
Public Ledger.
Philadelphia
motioned
on
the boulevard
to
stop,
she
me?"
running fortymiles an hour," answered the officer.
I haven't been out an
"Forty miles an hour?
Why, officer,
hour," said the lady.
"Go ahead," said the officer. "That is a new
me."
one
on
were
"
24
Pittsburgh
Dispatch.
Sparks of Laughter
And
A
littlebird
sat
on
a
tree,
And
hopped from limb
kept his beady eye
The
while
And
I looked
I stood and watched
Until
That
Not?
Why
limb,
to
on
me,
him.
at
him
much
amused
"
thought occurred
that I amused
it was
very possible
a
"
Amen
and
the bird.
CarnegieTech. Puppet.
Amen!
Bleecker,at a dinner in Bar Harbor, deplored the
in women's
fashions.
tendency toward immodesty that stillpersists
"However," he said, and as he spoke he raised on high his
sparklingglassof ginger ale "however, we can always hope for
the best,and so, ladies and gentlemen,I offer the toast:
Courtlandt
"
"Here's
to
the low
neck
the short skirts
and
may
"
they never
meet!"
Los
"
Gravely
that The
understand
We
Humorous
Casket
National
Company, having
purchase for their exclusive use the
EVERY
is now
IN
BOX,"
negotiating
for all rightsto the phrase:
prominent flour concern
failed in their attempt
slogan,"HAPPINESS
with
Angeles Times.
a
to
NOW?"
NOT
WHY
"EVENTUALLY"
"
Perhaps
Club Neius.
Advertising
It Is
and bees go to heaven?"
"Ma, do cows
child,what a question! Why?"
"Mere}'',
'Cause if they don't,the milk and honey the preachersaid
"
up
there
must
was
stuff."
be canned
"Judge.
Within
GooDSOLE
Mr.
Benny
off'n
warn
the
"
Bum
the
^Well,what do
"
I
wanna
Law
you
know
I find I gotta sleepin the
the trafficto drive aroun' me.
you?
want?
borry a red lantern
to-nightan' I'll hafta
kin I
street
"
26
Detroit Free Press.
Sparks of Laughter
Skulls
A
Pink,
the parlor Bolsheviks
as
at
argument
Sculls
and
a
Lorimer.
are
Philadelphiasmoker
called,got into
now
with
Editor
an
H.
George
all work
"We
alike,"said the Pink. "In
pretty much
other words, v/e all do the best we
can.
Therefore, I claim that
all
be
that
would
and
abolish class
to
we
ought
paid alike,
rich and poor."
distinction
"
"I
leaves
don't
Lorimer.
agree," said Editor
"This
equalityidea
cold."
me
"But," said the Pink, "don't
all,after all,row
we
in the
same
boat?"
"Yes," said the editor,"but
with
not
the
skulls."
same
Loi
"
Yes, Your
Honor"
What?
Police
Judge Cohen, quizzing John World,
and battery,
asked,"Why did you hit this man?"
"Wha', judge,"the negro began, "wha' would
one
ya
Angela Times.
of assault
accused
all do if some
you
called
ya' a 'kinkyheaded loafer'?"
"But I haven't got kinky hair,"said the judge.
"Well," drawled World, "what would you all done if he called
da kind of headed
loafer dat you
is?"
"
And
Uncle
Ought
niece stood
and
to
Have
watching the
Toledo Blade.
Been
young
people dancingabout
them.
"I bet you
eh, Unkie?"
"Once
"
never
saw
but the
any
place was
dancing like this back in the nineties,
raided."
"Judge.
Excellently Defined
"What
by 'beingcandid,'pa?"
does it mean
"Speaking
unto
others
as
vou
would
not
like them
to
speak
to
you."
"
"Request Gladly Complied
Posted
one
in
a
women's
wishing to look
at
Boston
Transcript.
With"
collegeby instructress in astronomy:
Venus, pleasesee me."
"
27
Boston
"Any
Transcript.
sparks of Laughter
Taking
Sign
seen
the
CliicagoBoulevard
on
Out
Joy
of Life
"Autos
"
will slow
down
to
a
walk."
Sign in London,
fast and
see
Ohio
"Drive
"
slow
and
see
jail."
our
Boston
"
Probably
"I
in life in
start
got my
and yet I managed
Whereupon
Drive
town.
our
a
!
voice
from
of cash
the
three dollars
at
grocery
save,"announced
to
before the invention
a
a
week,
queried, "Was
that
the candidate.
audience
registers?"
NeTD York Times.
"
A
Transcript,
Keen
Interpreter
"So she refused
"That's
"Didn't
you?"
impressionI received."
she actuallysay no?"
the
"No, she didn't.
All she said
was
'Ha-ha-ha!'"
San
"
He'll
The
scion of the
sort
some
was
Make
His
family had acted
Francisco
Chronicle.
Way
badly that punishment of
so
necessary.
"Ernest,"commanded
his
n:other,"find
a
switch and
bring it to
me."
Shortlyafterward
"I couldn't
stone
that you
the
find
can
a
brightyoung
switch, mamma,"
throw
at
returned.
man
he reported, "but
here's
a
me."
"
Neighborly
American
Legion Weefcly.
Amenities
not
They were
exactlythe friendliest of neighbors,and one day
from Jones to Smith:
the followingnote came
"Mr. Jones presents his compliments to Mr. Smith and asks will
he kindly shoot his dog as he keeps Mr.
Jones and his family
awake
?"
Whereupon
Smith
returned
the
followingnote:
comiplimentsto Mr. Jones and begs to
inform the latter that he will be very glad to shoot his dog if
Mr. Jones will poisonhis daughterand burn her piano."
"Mr.
Smith
presents
his
"NeJ"
28
York
World.
Sparks of Laughter
And
Descriptiveof
daintj'feet were
He
Left
Town
fair young
a
by Airplane
bride, the editor
"Her
wrote:
encased
in shoes that might be taken
for fairy
It appeared in print,"Her
encased in
dirty feet were
shoes that might be taken for ferry boats."
boots."
Am.
"
Wave
the Face, Save
Among the Japanese economy
elderlymisers of Tokyo were
of saving.
"I manage
make
to
this
"and
is my
sj^stcm
it
and
so
until the fan is
on
is held
be
high virtue.
day discussingways and
one
to
twenty
means
years,"said
wastefullyopen
only one section at
I open
Two
a
I don't
:
wave
carelessly.I open
good for about one year. Then
and
Journal.
the Fan
fan last about
a
Insurance
one,
the whole
time.
a
fan
That
is
the next, and then the next,
eventuallyused up."
"Twenty years for a good fan !" exclaimed the other. "What
sinful extravagance! In my family we
fan for two
three
a
use
or
the whole fan, but
and this is how we
do it: we
generations,
open
it out by waving it. Oh, no! We
don't wear
hold it still,
like
we
this,under
and
nose,
our
wave
face !"
our
South
"
Daughter
"
Called
Her
Shall
I take
Daughter
"A
umbrella
an
African Times.
Dog"
and
this letter,
post
mother?
Mother
dog
to
be
"
out.
Stay right in the house.
This
night is
not
father post the letter.
Let your
"
Neat, But
Here's
And
fit for
the
to
Cruel
girls the
"
Not
too
young,
For
the
good
nobody
wants
Success.
a
young
ones!
die young,
dead one.
girls the old ones!
Not too old,
For the old dye, too
a dyed one.
nobody wants
Here's
to
the
"
"
And
"
29
From
Detroit.
a
Sparks of Laughter
Editor
The
Dan
Holland
his small
to
"My
loves his
son.
son,
When
my
boj',and once
It began like this:
pigmy counterpart."
it was
printed Dan sure
got all the letters in,but it read
"My
Again
a
kick
a
coming. The
A
Banker
Spanker
j^oung
"
The
genial waiter
"I have
"What
"I
came
Auld.
Vera, Vera
lady whose last name
Banker,
was
Fell asleepwhile the ship was
at anchor;
She awoke
in dismay v/hen she heard the mate
lift
and spanker!"
"Boys,
up the top-sheet
The
printer
:
"
A
dedicated
poem
counterpart."
pig,my
son, my
had
wrote
deviled
the deuce
here
to
Waiter's
say,
Fly'mgAboul.
Troubles
greeted the grouchy patron with the
kidneys,calves' liver,and pig'sfeet."
are
your
troubles
to
me?"
said the
ment,
state-
grouch.
eat."
"
A
Fair
Circulating,
Settlement
A
hungn^ traveler put his head out of a car-window
as his train
pulled up at a small station,and said to a boy:
"Here, bo}^,take this dime and get me a sandwich, will j^ou?
Get a sandwich
for j'ourAnd, by the way, here's another dime.
self,too."
and returned,munching a sandwich, just
The boy darted away
handed him
startingoff. He ran to the traveler,
as the train was
a
dime, and said:
"Here's
yer
dime
back, boss. They only had
one
"
Who
Would
Be
An
sandwich
left."
Washinglon Star.
Editor?
Eagle, an editor in a near-bytown has
his press over
moved
againstthe door and is having his meals sent
since he let this get by in a societyitem: "Mrs.
in at the window
friends in thisvicinity."
isevidenced by her mangy
Catt's popularity
According
to
the Wichita
"
30
Kansas
Cit^ Star.
sparks of Laughter
A
Pat and
Murphy
"ptr
a"duel'
duel.
Pistols
a
^'
were
Charted
Duel
had both fallen in love with
^-'^l appeared
agreed upon"
at twenty
the
^^"^-^^'^-"^
same
woman
bTn^ans'
be
to
paces.
Murphv
bemg exceedinglystout, scented an unfair
in
advantage
favor of
his very lean nval.
"Bedad," he said,"I'm twice S
big a ta ge
p"t^''
T' ^^
Pats second
the
''
from
irom
''
me
''"'''
'''''
saw
pomt
"""^ there's no
at
awaf'
I'll T:t'
^"^'"S
hroocke
IT
T'^'ltK
pocket, he drew
chalk Imes
ms
A
leavmg a
two
need
as
"That's
once.
for ye
down
'^^ he'l
^^^
to
move
thrue
furth^
P^^^^ "^ -halk from
^
the
man's
stout
coat
bet^veen them.
space
"Now," he said, turning to
spalpeen,and remember
that
"fire away,
ye
outside the chalk lines don't
opponent
h^
Ly hi
count
as
hits."
"Traveling Twenty Years
Least.
at
Zigzag Zigzagged Zigzag
police
T^T^^
White the other
isn't all
court
grim and sordid," remarked
Tud^e
day. "Sometimes somethingreally
funny haoDens
^'^"^^"^
down'm^n.^^"'
''"
'
bejrioul^^^
sir,"repliedthe
l^'Yes,
why didn't you
;|Then
He
was
the
was
"^^
^^""
"^"^^
'^^ after "hirg'^n
^
'''' '-'-''-^
chauffeur.
zigzagjour
and miss him?"
car
himself and outguessed
me,
zigzagging
'^ --^^
Your
"
Honor
'
answer.
"
Mother
Throws
Mean
Yon^ersStatesman.
Hammer
Mother
and father were
in the restingroom
sitting
one
littleWillie suddenlyglanced
up from his school
he exclaimed,
bay, mamma,
"the teacher was
talkingto
about evolution or
like
something
that
when
to-day,and I
you
a
'^^^'"'"
^^P^'"^^
mother, turning
j'^^f
"I
want
descended
"I don't
little
want
question.'
'
jg
night
books.^
smile.
to
the
youngster,
a
to
class
ask
"what
know, mamma,"
said the
"if xI am
youngster,
monkeys."
reallyknow, Willie,"answered mother, xvith
a
quiet
I
to
,
from
never
saw
any
of your
n
father's people."
"
Philadelphia
Telegraph.
Sparks of Laughter
Willie's
When
It
evening and
was
when
a
Mrs.
K.
several callers
of little feet
patter
raised her
Near
hand
His
chattingin the parlor,
were
heard
was
Creator
at
the head
of the stairs.
for silence.
"Hush, the children are
going to deliver their good night message," she said softly."It
to hear them.
always givesme a feelingof reverence
They are so
Creator
than
much nearer
the
we
are, and they speak the love that
is in their littlehearts never
fullyas when the dark has come.
so
Listen!" There was
of tense silence. Then
moment
a
"Mama,"
the message
in a shrill whisper,"Willie found a bedbug."
came
"
"Old
Did!
They
But
Good.
Be!
Glory
"My dear, you mustn't let anybody read that letter from cousin
George at the front. I'm surprisedthat he'd write such things."
"What's
It's mighty interesting."
the matter
with his letter?
of his disgraceful
"Some
but
his
confessions
of
it are,
conduct
parts
are
of his
I wouldn't
dreadful.
for the world
have
any
know
one
doings."
"I don't get you at all."
"Didn't you read that part of his letter where
out
with
a
British tank
last
he says he
rolled all over
night,and they
was
the
place?"
"
Do
You
Compulse
Detroit Free Prets.
Yours?
free will,do you, madam?"
sign this deed of your own
asked the lawyer.
the large,florid-faced
do you mean
"What
by that?" demanded
looking threateninglyupon the lawyer.
woman,
there has been no
"I mean
compulsion on the part of your
"You
there?"
Has
husband.
"Him?"
she
turning to
ejaculated,
sittingbehind her.
"Frederick?
look
I'd like
to
at
the
see
"
Doing
Hattie:
Mattie:
times
a
Her
meek man
little,
compulse me."
him
Youth's
Companion.
Darndest
worships him, doesn't she?
before him
Well, she places burnt offerings
Nubb's
bride
three
day.
"Life.
32
sparks of Laughter
Our
"Who
George's
Status
Real
George Washington, Nellie?" asked the teacher of
primary department.
Mrs.
the unexwas
Washington's second husband," was
pected
reply.
was
a
littlegirlin the
"He
"
Her
American
Bo}f.
Retort
for him, appeared to be
Central,who tried to get the number
the
or
most
inexperienced asleep. Ordinarily
patientof men, he
finallylost his patience.
1234 or give me
"Lx"ok here," he shouted,"either get me
some
least
talk
intellectual
where
I
at
to my
equal."
place
may
Silence for
"Hello!"
in
a
much
was
place is that?"
"What
in
Anatomy
a
high school
examination
the
loud
answer.
in
LiverpoolMercury.
England
England the followingdefinition
Anatomy, is
given to anatomy:
was
a
relieved.
"
At
came
he asked.
hospitalfor the insane,"came
"The
the wire
over
man's voice.
Brownlow
Mr.
then
and
moment,
a
the human
body, which
sists
con-
the head, the chist and the stummick.
The
of three parts
the chist contains the
head contains the eyes and brains,if any;
is devoted to the bowels,
lungs and a pieceof liver;the stummick
"
there
of which
are
five
"
a, e,
i,o,
u, and
sometimes
and
w
y.
"Push.
A
Trifle
clerk
photographer's
The
samples of work
to
preoccupiedin showing some
Patrick
Maloney
prospectivesitters when
stalked into the studio and
what
the
"Like
Extra, Pat
was
very
intimated
that he would
like
to
know
worth.
pictureswere
dozen," said the girl,handing him
a
that, five shillings
one.
at the photograph of
gazed long and earnestly
baby sittingin a wash basin.
it
"Shu re, now," Pat shyly asked,"phwat would
Pat
a
very
cost
small
wid
me
clothes on?"
"
34
Clobetrotler.
Sparks of Laughter
Should
In
crowded
Think
omnibus
He
Couldn't!
lady vainlyendeavored to get her
fare out of the pocket of her cloak,which was
tightlybuttoned as a
protectionto pickpockets.After she had been tryingwithout effect
for some
minutes, a gentleman seated on her rightsaid :
a
allow
"Please
The
to
me
pay
declined with
lady
pocket. After
"You reallymust
the
stout
a
fare."
your
some
anger,
littletime the
some
let me
pay
and
have
You
toned
alreadyunbutit any longer."
suspenders three times and I can't stand
my
"
"A
Little Lower
Than
on
gentleman again said :
fare.
your
her attacks
renewed
the
Medical
Insurance.
Angels"
Private
Smithers,after having been nursed back to health in an
he had
been
hospital where
sufferingfrom shell shock,
army
his
his
this
in
nurse
expressed
gratitudeto
way:
"Thank
for
kindness. I shan't
much,
ma'am,
}'ou very
your
fallen angel,you're one."
a
never
forgetit. If there ever was
"
The
Home
Sector.
Preposterous !
Say, if I invite
Bud:
to
wear,
take her down
the play,should
Gob:
in
I kiss her
Damn
it!
"
NO!
girl to the theatre,send her flowers
a
a
taxi,and
treat
her
to
a
supper
after
good-night?
You've
done
enough for her!
"
Strictlyon
On
Every Tongue.
Approval
dinner?" asked the steward of the ship.
bring you some
"Yes, you may bring me one on approval,"repliedthe passenger
the bounding deep. "I may
he gazed over
not want
to keep it."
"Shall I
as
"
Licked
Instead
of
Around.
Licking
the stairs,opened the door of the room,
closed it after him without being detected.
Just as
Shoeless,he climbed
entered, and
he
was
turned
about
and
tellingthe
presence
get into bed his wife, half-aroused
sleepilysaid: "Is that you, Fido?"
rest
to
"For
of the story, said:
I licked her hand."
once
in my
from
The
slumber,
husband
life I had
real
of mind.
"
35
Many
Tongues.
Sparks of Laughter
"Eyes
"All
Front!"
rightback there?" bawled
"Hoi'
hoi' on," shrilled
clothes on."
on,
gets mah
And
then, as
she entered
with
the conductor.
feminine
a
the entire earful craned
basket of laundry.
a
voice.
their necks
Things
an
expectantly,
Around
"
Kissing
"Jes wait till I
the
Counir}).
Adder
slack in the
the manager
day.
holias
on
a
office,
was
The
chief clerk,therefore,thought it was
his chance of
wooing the stenographer.
"Just one kiss,"he begged fervently.
kiss a
"Certainly not!" replied the girl coldly. "I'd as soon
snake as you!"
"That's all right,then," said the man
calmly. "I saw you kiss
a
were
yesterday."
snake
"W-w-what!"
"Yes,
kissed the
you
bookkeeper,and he's
AnsTvers.
"
The
know."
adder, you
an
Jolly Pedagogue
The
typicalcollegeprofessorno doubt is,as he is credited with
being,highly pedagogical. But also,to his praisebe it said, nine
times
out
of
ten
he has
a
which
of humor
sense
makes
him
love
a
joke just as much as his unpedagogicalbrethren.
One such jocularpedagogue was
one
day asked by a student if
he would
like a good recipefor catchingrabbits.
is it?"
"Why, yes,"repliedthe professor. "What
"Well, you crouch down behind a stone wall and make a noise
like a turnip."
"That
be," responded the professorwith a twinkle in his
may
eyes,
"but
quietlyin
a
a
be for you
than that would
better way
bed of cabbage heads and look natural."
"
A
"
go
Author
and
sit
Murdered.
Lily
(to colored servant) I've told
Lady
to
Cannibalistic
to
you
several
times,Lily,
mouth
when
j'ou yawn.
your
put your hand over
time
I tried it.
last
Lily
Yas'm, but I got bit the
"
"
36
Ancient,
Sparks of Laughter
The
The
King's Sausages
story of the rival
bootmakers, which appeared recently,is
matched by a correspondent of an English paper with another story,
rival
two
equallyold but equally worth repeating. It concerns
sausage-makers. Again, they lived on oppositesides of a certain
his shop the legend:
day, one of them placed over
street, and, one
"We
sell sausages
and nobility
of the country."
to the gentry
The next
the
the
appeared
day, over
sign:
way,
"We
sell sausages
the
and
to
nobilityof the whole
gentry
country."
Not to be outdone, the rival put up what he evidentlyregarded
as
a final statement,
namely:
"We
sell sausages
to the King."
the door of the first sausageNext
day there appeared over
maker the simple expression of loyalty:
"God
the King."
save
Chrhtian
"
Science Monitor.
^""^
"Shortest
Patsy:
Mrs.
,Mom, won't
yer
Didn't
Oi
Casey:
all if ye didn't
"Yes'm, but
kape
Home"
Way
gimme candy, now?
tell ye
wouldn'
Oi
give ye
anny
at
still?
"
"Well, the longer ye kape stillthe
sooner
j^e'll
get
"
Human
it."
Michigan Gargoyle.
Tapeline
"Golly, but I'se tiuh'd,"sighedEph Johnson's oldest.
"What
you-allbeen a-doin'?" asked his pal 'Rasmus.
settin' fence
Eph, "Paw's
"Well, you see," explained young
and
posts, and I'm just five feet tall. So I'se been a-lyin'down
so's he kin measure
all around
his ten-acre
field,
posts
a-gettin'
up
feet apart."
ten
"
Everybody
The
Country Gentleman.
!
old
store
was
growing impatient
lady in the confectionery
at the lack of service.
Finallyshe rapped sharply on the counter.
"Here, }'oung lady,"she called,"who waits on the nuts?"
"Push.
37
sparks of Laughter
Slighting the Judge
Two
At
lawyers before
last
one
exclaimed
to
"Sir,you
to
a
probatejudge recentlygot into
of the disputants,losing control
his opponent:
I think, the
are,
set
forgetthat I
said
for his wonderful
asked
to
address
spoke first and
Taft
finished the audience
The
An
and
marine
who
and
courage
the war,
received
meeting in the West.
considerable length, and
at
almost
to
a
of you ! This
it is up to us now
one
much
went
to
during the
Ex-President
when
Uncle
took
Joe Cannon
great
a
of his Illinois farmer
one
Washington.
The
ears.
is
Cannon
farmer
Cannon
asked him
had
take
through
do the
seats.
your
hell for
us
for him."
same
Register.
Fodder
lover of green corn.
constituents to dinner
his dinner
made
he
leave the
"Chrlsllan
Cannon
mendation
com-
building.
the edge of the platform,
to
man,
man
Traveler.
endurance
to
and
Old
a
rose,
sprang
back, every
during
Hell
his feet,rushed to
called excitedly: "Come
back and
chairman
Come
in
Turn
captain in the merchant
was
to
seem
in the room."
am
Their
war
the misfortune
judge, gravely. "You
the
"
A
had
ever
upon."
eyes
Order!"
"Order!
his emotions,
over
that I
biggestass
wrangle.
a
how
much
on
green
board
day he
with
him
in
eatingseven
corn,
cost
One
the Willard.
at
"Six dollars
a
replied:
day."
the
.farmer
said
constituent,"don't you
"Well, Joe,"
would be cheaper for you to board at a liverystable?"
"
Hot
Coffee
"
Promise
or
think
it
Ubiquitous,
Threat?
plighted their troth,and were
talkingthings over.
bearing
They both decided to be quite unlike other married couples forand patientwith each other.
and long-suffering
They
had
"
"No!"
said the
and
get cross
"If you ever
for
man.
"I shall
be like other husbands
not
who
thingsabout if the coffee is cold !"
bang
did," said the girlsweetly,"I would
make
it hot
you!"
And
the
man
wondered
what
she
meant.
"
38
Chronicle- Telegraph.
Pittsburgh
Sparks of Laughter
is the
"Empty
Cradle"
Baby's Gone"
and arrived home
Hubby had been celebrating,
hours feelingrather dubious of his reception.
Absolute
stillness
he hurried
mind
reigned,however,
shoeless
with
energetically
the
to
and
the cradle and
air of
a
who
man
with
in the small
load
a
commenced
had
off his
rocking it
been
at
his post
for hours.
"What
are
you
doing there,James?" queried his strong-minded
awakened.
spouse,
"I've been
hours trying to get baby to
sittinghere nearlytwo
sleep!"he growled in return.
"That's
his wife.
strange," remarked
"Baby is here in bed
with me."
"
What's
In
a
Your
confidential little talk
eminent
physician took
up
to
a
the
Fee?
group
of medical
students
extremely important
diagnosisof the maximum
correct
Ans'D)eTs,
an
of
matter
fee.
"The
best rewards," he said,"come, of course,
to the established
specialist.For instance,I charge $25 a call at the residence,$10
for an office consultation,and $5 for a telephoneconsultation."
There
from
was
an
appreciativeand
the back of the
envious
silence,and
then
a
voice
amphitheatre,slightlythickened,spoke:
much
do you charge a fellow for passing
"Doc," it asked, "how
on
you
the street?"
"
"We
A
London
Pause
for
a
Chicago Journal.
Reply!"
in the habit of
holding forth
in a workman's
hall,and was
constantlybeing interrupted.
time he lectured in that hall he engaged a prizeThe
next
fighter
to sit in the galleryand
keep order. He was
contrasting
the clean content
of home life with the squalor of drunkenness.
"What
when
from our
do we
want
we
return
daily toil?" he
"What
asked.
do we
desire to ease
burdens, to gladden our
our
hearts,to bring smiles to our lipsand joy to our eyes?"
shook his fist
As the orator
paused for breath the prize-fighter
of the gallery and whispered in a loud
the unruly members
at
undertone
"Mind
temperance
orator
was
:
yer,
the firstbloke what
says
out
'beer,'
he
"
39
goes!"
Everybody's.
sparks of Laughter
"My
(From
ROOM
O
Daughter,
AND
the
My
Daughter!"
Indianapolis
Star)
BOARD"
Modern, home privileges;
gentleman preferred. Daughter wishes congenial
Woodruff
mate.
room
.
Conning Tower, N.
"
At
A
Least
foppishyoung
Deadly
as
who
the
as
Y.
Tribune,
Male
wife,
only find a seat next to a fishin a north of Scotland smoking carriage,expressed his disgust
disdainful glances. At length the woman
by many
remarked :
"I'll bet ye, my
an' me's baith thinking the same
manny,
you
man
could
thing."
"What
is
"You
"I am,
"So am
the youth haughtily.
demanded
that,woman?"
are
wishing you was
sittingnext a gentleman?"
indeed,"repliedthe young man.
I," the fishwife repliedcalmly.
Pearson's
"
Only
A
stalwart
Swede
Wanted
to
stepped into
a
WeeJ^ly,
"Yump"
drug store.
viskey."
corner
"I
bane
sick,"said he to the clerk. "And I want
some
the clerk. "Don't
the
know
"Nothing doing," answered
you
country'sdry? But," he added, "j^oumight be able to get some
there at that saloon,"
squirrelwhiskey over
his v/ants.
Across the street the big Swede
made known
"Squirrelwhiskey,"yelledthe astonished proprietor,"we don't
fix you up with a
have such a thing,but," in a whisper, "I can
Swede
shook his head, "I no want
The
little 'Old Crow.'
to
"
fly,"he answered,
"I yoost
want
to
around
yump
A
"
"That's
"Did
Fisher have
a
him
only saw
questions,but I could
Where
good time
I
his neck
nose,
a
wear
was
so
My
for
see
sore
a
on
Money
that the skin
collar,his hands were
he complained that he had
had
a
so
lame
Goes"
was
the sunburns
blistered
were
Publicalions,
his little outing?"
that he couldn't hold
time
rowed
a
pen.
deed.
"Yes, in-
ask any
peelingoff from his
no
that he
that he could
so
them, and
arms
vhile."
Hundred
minute, and had
from
a
the boat
Oh, he
to
could
not
hardly use
until his
must
have
magnificenttime!"
"
40
Exchange.
sparks of Laughter
Idealization
This
is a
true
story of
of Nature
adventure
an
of
lady artists in
two
sunny
Spain.
They were
walking, and arrived at a little country inn, hot,
dusty and thirsty.They couldn't talk Spanish,but wanted some
beautiful high-artycow,
milk badly, so one
of them drew a most
coins.
while the other jingledsome
off post-haste.
The Spaniardslooked,and a boy was
sent
hour the boy returned, hot and triumphant with
In half an
tickets for a bullfight.
two
"
"
Crow
Crows
Over
Torvn
Topics (London).
Scarecrow
opinion of scarecrows.
in
grunted "leastways,againstthe crows
good at
this district! Only last year we
a
we
thought was
put up what
fine scarecrow
a
gun."
a
man
pointing
"Well, what happened?"
in the world seemed to be feeding in that
"Why, all the crows
the
perched on the gun and worked
field,and whilst one crow
fallingdown, pretending to be shot."
trigger,another was
The
bucolic
one
had
been asked his
all,"he
"No
"
"
Answers
"
Far
Very
She
was
a
littlemaid
of
ten
{London).
Wrong?
years,
through
butterfly-like
flitting
she had stood, however,
some
Gallery.
logue:
gazing at a picture by Nicolas Poussin, thus described in the cataand
fauns
bracing
a
dancing;
right,
"Centre, nymphs
satyr eminfant bacchanals,one
raisinga bowl,"
a nymph; left,two
the frame,
first
words
of
the
on
she
sight
Suddenly
caught
etc.
look!
"Mummie!
Do
exclaimed:
and, turning to her mother,
Isn't this funny? It's a French School!"
the National
seconds
For
"
Aarons'
Aarons
had
had
Perfect
London
Morning Post.
Fire
beautiful fire,a perfectfire. Curtains, hung
dust from the shelves,had served to carry the
Into the blackened shop stepped
the warehouse.
a
ostensiblyto keep
flames rightround
"A bad job,Aarons, mein friend,"
Umpstein, full of condolences.
"See here,
"Bad
"a bad job."
job!" ejaculatedAarons.
he said
"
how
vould
you
improve
on
it?"
"
42
Bulletin
(Sidney).
N
"^
Sparks of Laughter
Some
Mr.
Bacon
much
I
Kill,Some
Must
Mop
that the Bedouin
marriage does not take
It is said that the bridegroom cuts
the throat of a
t
he
blood
father-in-law's
his
spills
on
threshold,and it is
"
see
time.
sheep and
all
Must
over.
Mrs.
Bacox
somebody's got
the poor
it is not, either. Don't
forget that
jou
clean up the mess, and I suppose,
it's
of course,
No,
"
to
bride.
YonlieTiStatesman.
"
And
A
New
York
the
Banker
silk merchant
Climbed
went
to
Down
the bank
to
his
get
note
renewed.
"I
sorry,"said the banker, "but
am
for
The
to
me
renew
up
"Were
at
you
of
face
the banker
absolutelyimpossible
note."
your
silk merchant's
looked
it will be
paled. After
said
and
of
moment
a
:
in the silk business?"
ever
the banker.
"Why,
not," answered
"Well, you'rein it now," said the silk merchant
course
his hat and started toward
the door.
The
banker
"
If You
An
author
fam.ous
who
presided
had
He
ago.
has
at
store,
half
The
and
banquet in
the nag,
toastmaster
picked up
called him back.
Cincinnati
Enquirer.
a
portion of New
suburban
a
town
England
nights
some
a
into
peck
him
got
'Now
turned
of
town
ing,
even-
:
day, and, going into a feed
Stabling his horse by the side
one
oats.
it was
ended the
royal lunch. When
into the buggy, took up
the lines and
that you've been fed, g[t up!'
a
"
and
looked
at
the guest
for
moment,
a
down.
sat
"
Oh.
Sociology
blame
he
Toastmaster
told this story
drove
of the road, he gave
hitched up,
farmer
addressed
a
as
fittingly
eulogized the principalguest of the
old farmer
bought
Are
helped to make
a
and in conclusion
"An
thought he
you
objectto
for
your
Professor
Yes"
They
Do
(to student):
Saturday Evening Post.
It
Mr.
H
I
can't
,
but I do
looking at your watch while I'm lecturing,
holding it to your ear to make sure ithasn't stopped.
"
43
Chicago Tribune.
Sparks of Laughter
A
The
of
census-taker had
of Bob's
Pal
asked many
Mike
questionsand
tired
was
answering them.
"And
what
religiousbelief?" the
is your
suave
man
census
continued.
"God
I'm
but
forgiveme,
said Mike.
atheist,"
an
"
More
Than
Manners
Has
Man
"Madam," said a man
standing in the street
persistin punching me with yoi^r umbrella?"
"I
me
to
want
seat.
your
make
look around
you
Now, sir,don't
so
I
off and
go
Everybody's.
can
"why do
car,
thank
you
that
women
say
for
you
giving
haven't
manners."
any
"
"Did
Blick
about
hear
you
Him
Meet
Must
Boston
Transcripl.
in Heaven
his
proposing again
to
marrying
whose
divorced
wife?"
did she
say?"
she couldn't
think
"No; what
"Said
of
a
man
first wife
stillliving."
was
"
Fight
It Out
Boston
Transcript.
!
bat.
engaged in verbal comc
hurches.
their
down
the
to
respective
subjectcame
Finally
than your
that Father Harrity knows
"I guess I know
more
Rabbi," the little Irish boy insisted.
"Shure, he does; vy not?" repliedthe Jewish boy. "You tell
Irish lad and
The
him
the Yiddish
boy
were
everything."
Boxing Blade.
"
Not?
Why
New
very
the
on
new
man
him
But
advertisingoffices are
wants
to
to
:
You
know
I'm
job.
Superintendent:
and
(afterbeing called down)
Floorwalker
know
where
please remember
in the
rear
that
of the store;
executive
our
and
when
a
the publicitydepartment is,don't send
the ladies' hosierycounter.
"
44
Cartoons,
sparks of Laughter
Blessed
Are
the
Peacemakers
of a London
that "only
Commenting on the statement
suffragist
of war," Colonel George Bailey says:
out
women
can
keep men
"Of
a
the
nature
they will be
lot and
and
All
course.
that.
proves
friendly. Let
Let
two
one
Got
He
a
inmates.
Atlanta
the
He
finds,he
from
says,
behind
didja get
their teacher
kids
yore
tellin'
was
'em
Nem
Strutter
Movie
to
take them
exercises
deep-breathin'
inquired Mrs. Jeter of her
about?"
me
actin' like
to
leadin'
they was
Gilded
A
Fillers
"I should
resorts
give way
a
pitchershow,"
say
be
to
seems
so!
He
soon
and
as
physician."
fashionable
has patientsat
in America
as
a
"Honor
County {Kan.) Index,
Topnotcher!
a
of the
some
most
expensive
people whose health
enough to consult him."
waiting list of
they get
money
Birmingham Age-Herald.
"
The
in
men
Barber
"
will
Yor}^Morning Telegraph.
Clem.
answered
health
his fellow
worser.
or
"Dr.
corrupt
for
the bars.
the
Using
"How
Constitution.
the others say, that he is
what
"
"Got
flyover,
It
plea that he fears he will
on
only guilty man
better
occupy
has asked the Governor
penitentiary
convict in the Kansas
pardon
the
hen
fightis on."
"
A
roosters
littlebrown
Father,"
Thy
in
following recently appeared
etc.
Chicago newspaper's
a
columns:
advertising
"If Wilbur
ago,
Blank, who
will return,
deserted his wife and
said babe will knock
American
"
And
Affable
nice,round
Little
Seeing Was
in
Clergyman,
chubby legs?
Boy:
Mummy!
street
years
Legion Weekly.
Believing
car,
to
little boy:
"
45
babe twenty
his block off."
Who's
got
Bystander {London).
Sparks of Laughter
But
Sign on
house
for dinner.
if you
and
the
Squeal
"Hunters, Take
farm:
please and when
durn
you
Western
a
Leave
the horn
hear
you
Notice:
blow
If the
kill
quail are scarce
kill a hog."
squirrels,
can't get any
"
Nor
Hair
Grower
a
chicken
the
to
come
Francisco
San
all
Hunt
or
two,
Chronicle.
If Bald
rather
(at fruit stand): Yes, but aren't these gooseberries
Lady
dirty?
Merchant
'em and
part
(sarcastically):Dirty! Think a bloke can wash
their 'air in the middle for fourpence a pound these
'ard times?
Bulletin
"
Chicago's
Chicago
Judge:
Thirty days.
So
Don't
be
Prisoner:
a
small
Harsh
hard
so
Justice
murdered
you
on
me,
your
whole
your
honor.
Financial
Married
wife
My
dollars
hundred
to
family,eh?
It
was
just
family.
Nashville Tennesiean.
"
The
(5j)JneJ)).
Man
a
I tell you
(to friend):
I have
and
Economists
month
calculated
by
not
we
can
insistingthat
ness.
frankthis in all.
least one
at
save
friends stay
our
dinner.
"
L'llluitration
{Paris).
Wouldn't?
Who
house?
rightswhatsoever around his own
saw."
I ever
He is the most
henpecked man
little
he
does appear a
rough when he is feedingthe gold
"Well,
"Hasn't
Boobs
any
fish."
"
"This
Brave
"Oh, Estelle,wouldn't
an
old-time
"Nix
on
Knight,
you
like
in Armor
to
have
Florida Times-Union,
Bright"
been
made
love
to
by
knight?"
that,kiddo
"
sittingon
an
iron knee
never
appealed to
me."
"
46
Florida
Times-Union.
Sparks of Laughter
A
Bricklayer:
'Op
Godly Bricklayer
it
can't 'ave you
we
"
a-blowin' that trumpet
'ere.
round
Boy
Scout:
Why?
Bricklayer:
walls of
'Tain't
safe
know
you
"
'appened
wot
A
Peter Lower
"Makes
Lower
Tit-Bits
have
to
the weeds
at
the
weeds
in his potato
next
to
had
two
were
stealinga
Thus
walk
so
far
weed."
Rogues' Roguish
was
it?"
Lem
Everjfbodya.
"
for
patch.
thick, don't
so
the fence.
Beebe, leaning over
"Nope; easier,"declared Pete; "you don't have
There
{London).
Optimist
digging away
was
it harder
remarked
to
the
Jericho,don't yer?
"
the
to
convicts,one
Repartee
in for
stealinga watch, the other
They disliked each other,and their conversation
cow.
full of innuendo.
the
who
man
had
stolen the
cow
said
the
to
man
who
stolen the watch:
"Jim, what time is it?"
"Milking time, Joe."
"
No
Soul
Lose
to
that parrot
"Say, Sam, why do you-allcarry
the
on
Cottonyarns.
around
with
you
wagon?"
"Well, yo' see, boss, I'se
a
membah
of the
chu-ch,but de mule
I hauls the pa'otto fu-nish the cussin' fo' de mule."
so
ain't,
Quite
Human
called to service.
registrantfrom a farming district was
to
Arriving in town, he found the local board had moved
address another negro
At the new
another street.
languished in
A
negro
the doorway.
"Is dis whar
de redemtion
"Sho' is,"answered
fo' lunch."
out
gone
bo'd is at?"
the second.
queried the
"But
"
47
newcomer.
de blessed redeemer
American
done
Legion Wee}(ly.
sparks of Laughter
"While
Conductor
(new
the
the
to
Going's
I'm
job) :
Good"
boy just here
the old
sure
I had better tell him
has paid his fare twice. Think
No-o ! Ask him for it again.
MoTORMAN
:
Bulletin
"
it?
about
(S^dne})).
Sure, Joe !
the "Want"
From
Stoled
Rund
Avay
of
Oregon
an
paper:
bout
loose him
Been
"
veeks
tree
two
dog him tail cut off prittyclose
body. If somebotty find her,keep it,i belong to him.
hees almost
now,
to
or
columns
my
black and
"
A
A
well-known
a
very
white
Joe Bored
"
Francisco
stickler for uniform
a
medal-ribbon
portlysailor whose
Chronicle.
Abdomen
Decorated
admiral
in San
earn-,
was
stopped opposite
"
an
inch
or
so
too
his eye, the admiral asked: "Did
for eating,my man?"
you get that medal
On the man
replying"No, sir,"the admiral rapped out: "Then
stomach?"
it on
why the deuce do you wear
your
low
down.
Fixing the
with
man
Til-Bits
"
{London).
Did
Perhaps They
course,"observed the superiorperson, "the homage paid to
Soldier is a good idea,but it would have been better
the Unknown
old mother."
to grant a pension to his poor
"Of
"
Carnival
{Barcelona).
Uhuh?
Mother:
and
I've tried
so
hard
to
make
you
efforts you
yet in spite of all my
garet,
good child,Mar-
a
are
still rude
and
naughty.
Margaret
(deeplymoved)
:
What
a
"
failure j^ou are, mother.
London
V/eelil^Telegraph.
Prophylactic Rivalry
trying to impress upon a group of
Recently a lady dentist was
the necessityof making the children clean their teeth.
mothers
good
I don't 'ave to tell my Rose and D'isy!" declared one
"Oh!
tooth-brush
'ave
shall
the
which
lady. "It's a fightbetween 'em
fust."
"
48
London
Opinion.
Sparks of Laughter
Mose's
Mose
Johnson
and
as
His
keeper,a
under
was
Mouthful
of death
sentence
in
Kentucky jail,
a
the fateful
he grew
day drew near
nervous
very
sympathetic man,
suggested that Mose's
about
it.
only hope
lay in
As Mose
could not write, the
an
appeal to the governor.
offered
letter
from
write
dictation.
to
keeper
a
his thoughts very earnestlyfor a full five
Mose, after collecting
minutes, dictated the following:
"Dear
Marse
Friday, and
Guv'nah:
here it
1'hey'sfixin' to hang
Tuesday. Mose Johnson."
am
"
Taking
Her
this
come
me
Eveiybodxf's.
Pick
much
in love but too bashful
Jim Peters was
very
Finally,he decided to pop the question by telephone.
"Maggie, I love you," he breathed,softly. "Will
to
propose.
you
marry
me?"
There
"Of
was
a
moment's
hesitation before the
I
will,George.
simpleton?"
you
And
Jim yelledback:
course
"You'll
have
break
to
the
Why
to
news
answer
didn't you
him
came.
and
come
yourself.I'll be
ask me,
darned
if I will!"
Lloyd George's
The
guard
new
Wales.
Came
a
was
not
Station
familiar with
station which
certain
minutes
railwayrun
in
Llanfairfech-
name
a
anpwllgogerych.
lookingat the signboard
Then
the
in mute
to
helplessness.
pointing
board, and
the carriages,
he called,"If there's
toward
waving his other arm
anybody there for here,this is it!"
For
few
a
rejoicedin the
he stood
Christian Register.
"
Quick
A
colored
man
in
Dead
Chattanooga, Tenn.,
in Macon, Ga.
man
Sam:
Is j^ou dead
"Dear
colored
the
and
this letter
wrote
that
ten
a
:
or
is you
alive?
If you
dollars you owes
George."
me.
A week later George received this reply:
"Dear
George: I is dead, and that ten dollars
buy my coffin. Sam."
me
to
is alive,send
"
was
used
to
help
"
"
50
Cinctnnaii
Enquirer.
sparks of Laughter
Thicker
Blood
When
John McCormack
Foli,some
balcony which
The
man.
stage
manager
beneath, but before
from
of the
one
hardly
was
below
men
singing in grand
was
he had
ago,
years
Garlic
Than
on
occasion
one
enough
strong
told off
Signor
two
Foli
sing from
to
to
support
assistants to
moighty heavy!"
"Let's dhrop him, Pat; he's only an
"Will
Voice of Signor Foli above:
an' 'ounds, Pat, but he's
for the loife of j'^ez!"
"Tare
ye, ye
a
it up
through
is
will ye?"
divils,
Hould
Oirishman!
an
Bolshevist
hold
Oitalian, after all."
"
A
stage
the Oitalian
jabers,Moike,
said, "Be
a
heavy
so
than half
more
was
Signer
as
opera,
him
up
Transcript.
Boston
Applicant
Judge Benjamin Toppan, of Ohio, who
the early '70's,applied for admission to the bar of that
asked just two
was
questions: "Mr. Toppan, what is
It is related that when
died in
State he
law?"
was
the firstof these.
repliedthe applicant.
unjust distribution of justice,"
the second.
is equity?" was
"What
sense!"
"A damned
impositionupon common
"An
He
was
received into the brotherhood
with
"
Hah!
Ha!
Man
Big
in
Audience
He!
Har!"
open
A^en"
YoriiEvening Post.
He!
He!
(turning round)
arms.
:
Can't
j^ou
see
thing?
any-
Can't see a streak of the stage.
:
(pathetically)
Big Man
:
Why, then I'll tell you what to do.
(sarcastically)
You
keep your eye on me and laugh when I do.
Little
Man
"
Pearson's
Wee\l^ (London).
Destiny's Kid
A
business
tliere
were
the
v/hich
was
advertised for
an
in line.
oflficeboy. The
He
about
som.e
fiftyboys
applicantswhen his stenographerhanded
scribbled
was
morning
ining
begin exam-
next
to
him
a
card
on
:
I'm the last kid in line,
anything until you see me.
I'm telling
you I'm there with the goods."
"Don't
but
man
do
"
51
Everybody's.
Spaj'ksof Laughter
Knew
The
Drunk:
Whoopee!
The
the
Good
and
Ropes
Route
ol' private stock from
muh
I'ilol' cellar.
Home, James!
Chauffeur:
That
wasn't
The
privatestock,sir.
from
You've
it
sir.
a
buy
forgotten,
bootlegger.
Aw
Drunk:
right. Hospital,James!
The
Chauffeur:
saw
you
And
it was
your
strange
a
bootlegger one
"
I
you
didn't know.
The
Drunk:
Morgue, James, morgue!
Darrie
"
"Don't
Visitor:
I would
Boatman:
Sail
like
to
in Nashville
Payne,
Tennesiean.
Gibe"
get you
teach
to
to
me
it's easy
boat!
sail a boat.
swimmin'.
as
Why,
Jest
tillerwith
an'
the
the
hand,
other,
grasp
an' if a squallstrikes,
ease
up or bring 'er to, an' loose the halyards,
but look out fer the gaffan' boom, or the hull thing'Ube in the
is steady y'r all right,
water, an' ye'llbe upset; but if the wind
'cause then ye'llbe upset sure.
onless y'rtoo slow in luffin',
Jump
whatever
don't
an'
in
gibe!
it;
but,
remember,
do,
right
try
ye
the main
a
sheet with
one
"
York's
New
bandits rushed
The
lVee}(ly{London).
Pearsons
Fashion
Banditry
Cigar store, felled the clerks
the placeleisurely.
into the United
blackjacksand ransacked
and waited for the clerks
Then
they leaned againstthe counter
Presently the head clerk regained his
to
regain consciousness.
he peered up at the bandits and demanded, "Well,
senses
what are you waiting for?"
with
...
head bandit looked
The
down
"Coupons!" he repliedwith
at
a
him
in
scorn.
sneer.
"
Penitential
It
was
"My
have
to
Nen" York Globe.
Reformation
deck.
on
were
visiting
day at the jailand the uplifters
"I
that
since
hope
good man," said one kindly lady,
you
come
correct
here you have had
faults."
your
time for meditation
and have decided
that,mum," repliedthe prisoner in heartfelt
"Believe me, the next job I pull,this baby wears
gloves."
"I
have
"
52
American
tones.
Legion fVee^l}f.
sparks of Laughter
Learning
His
Trade
The
cub reporter was
grinding out a marriage notice. Finally
he brought it up and laid it on the cityeditor's desk :
"Mr.
and Mrs.
Blank
announce
to-day the marriage of their
take
daughter to
place next Monday
"
"Huh," grunted the editor, "you can't say they announced
a
take
to
marriage yet
place,"
Again the cub jabbed away
when
he
at his typewriter. And
brought it back this time it read :
"Mr.
and Mrs.
Blank
predictedto-day the marriage of their
daughter."
"
Finish
I
knew
'Em
in Next
A^en"
YorliEvening Post.
World
Mart
Towne, who was wasting away
with illness. Meeting him one
day, I suggesteda remedy.
"I can't try your
suggestionfor some
time," he replied in
once
weak
a
voice,"so
The
named
man
others
many
in ahead
are
of
a
you."
died before he got round to my remedy. Here v/as
a
had good advice for years, yet he grew
thinner
man
and
with
d
ied
stock
of
a great
steadily,
finally
good advice on hand
man
who
he had
had
been unable
From
"
"The
to
try.
Aniholog})
of Another
A
"Two
Town,"
tp E. W. Howe
{Knopf).
Shining Revenge
bootblacks,whose stands are close together on
Tremont
Street,quarreled the other day," said a clever para'I'll get even
wit' that guy yet,'
grapher in Wroe's Writings.
young
"
vowed
"
"
I'm
sir?
the smaller of the
'Goin'
two.
fighthim,
ye, Jimmie?' he
'Naw,' said Jimmie, 'but when he gets
to
goin'to
say
are
ter
that gent, soon's he steps
asked.
was
a
polishin'
gent,
off the chair,"Shine,
troo
Shine?"'"
"
Can
You
"G.
"
Argui (Seattle).
B."?
A
" Waite,
pretty good firm is Watch
And
another is Attit,Early " Layte;
And
But
stillanother
is Doo
" Dairet;
the best is probably Grin " Barrett.
"
53
Sherwood
Music
School
News.
Sparks of Laughter
Delights
Dental
Two
dentists
One
talking"sliop."
were
remarked
:
is
painlessthat it often happens that my
patientsfall asleepwhile I am
attendingto their teeth."
The other dentist gave a deprecatingshrug of his shoulders.
"Pooh, pooh, m}' dear man! That is nothing!" lie cried. "You
should sec my place witli all the latest improvements. Why, my
send a
fetch a
to
to
patients nearly always ask me
message
photographer so that they can be photographed with the expression
alone can
of gladnesswhich my patent dental treatment
give
"My
treatment
so
them."
Ansteers
"
Slam
Why
{London),
"Hello?"
callingher mother several times
reply,said: "Mother, are you
justp'tendingyou'rea telephonegirl?"
Little Bessie,aged five,after
during the night and receivingno
reallyasleepor
are
you
Boston
"
!
Excused
We'd
the
seen
giantstar
But
didn't know
Until
we
so
found
"Betelgeuse,"
of
name
That
far away,
it was
a
it
Transcript.
out
star
to-day.
"Betelgeuse"is just a star!
Pullman
We
a
thought it was
So
car.
"
Broo}(l^nEagle.
Deary !
Little
Papa
Little
Girl:
(whose
Girl
Papa, it's raining.
temjper
is somewhat
(timidly):
I
was
:
Well, let it rain.
ruffled)
going to, papa.
Where
There's
lVeel(ly{London).
Pearson's
"
a
Will
printed?"
got your poem
"Yes," repliedthe author. "I sent the firststanza to the editor
with the inquiiy,'Can anyone
of the Correspondence Column
give
in the complete poem
Then
the rest of this poem?'
I sent
me
"So you
over
another name!"
"
54
Christian
Register,
sparks of Laughter
Woman
!
The
Myriad Countenance
The
in the crowded
downtown
woman
department store
irritated
a
expression on her face.
very
"I've been waiting such a long time," she complained to
the clerks.
"Sorry, madam,"
they come."
"Wretched
he said, "but
sei-vice!" the
"Now,
what
"Could
you
is
woman
it,madam?"
tell me
how
to
take
must
we
was
heard
of
one
customers
our
to
wore
as
mutter.
the clerk asked, returningto her.
Broadway subway
get to the nearest
station?" she asked.
"
Lan'
Dinah,
Ne-D"
Yorli Sun.
Sakes, Mandy!
hat. She asked her
dusky belle,had purchased a new
friend Mandy what she thought of it.
Mandy:
I think it's a lovelyconskeption but it doesn't suit
yo'!
a
Dinah:
What's
Mandy:
makes
the
yo'
if
Well,
yo' look
wants
honest
my
opinion, I think
it
!
French
too
it don't suit me?
reason
"Til-Bili.
Well"
Sign in
front of
a
You
Try It!
Clemens, Mich.
florist'sshop in Mt.
Arthur
Van
Derblumenscheuer
Say it with Flowers.
"
Seaside
smuggling
Little
on
Boy:
this beach
at
Legion Weekly.
Mixed
Morals
Some
Parent:
Romantic
American
they
still maintain
can
night.
Grandma
Yes, I know.
said it'sdisgusting.
"
Good
London
Mail.
Baby
the
Bereaved
Mother:
people
see
gracious, Marjs
what
is the
matter
with
baby?
Nurse:
Fido's
eaten
Oh, if you please,mum,
his diary!
I can't do
nothingwith
"
55
London
him.
Opinion,
Sparks of Laughter
An
Oriental
Artist
Ad
Japanese advertisers believe in a lavish use of similes.
"Step inside!" is the invocation of a big multipleshop in Tokio.
w^illbe welcomed
"You
as
fondly as a ray of sunshine after a rainy
day. Each one of our assistants is as amiable as a father seeking
husband for a dowerless daughter. Goods
tomers'
are
dispatchedto cusa
the cannon's
the rapidity of a shot from
houses with
mouth."
A
of the
the tongue
most
fiendish mother-in-law."
Edinburgh Scotsman.
"
Carnal
Grant
much
Courage
be afraid of the meat, Mr. Grant.
boarder) : I'm not afraid of it. I've
Don't
Landlady:
as
(a
meat,
new
and
it didn't
frightenme
a
"
Excuse
An
income-tax
remark
acid than
proclaimsthat his "superfinevinegar is more
grocer
form
bit.
Ro^al Magazine
{London).
Enough
recentlywith
returned
was
twice
seen
the
following
:
"Sir,I belong to the Foresters and don't wish
to
join the Income
Tax."
"
A
He
was
"
well,very,
Derned
very
Tit-Bits
{London).
Selfish Wife
careful.
Each
his wife's cash account, growling and
himself of the following:
week
he would
grumbling. Once
go
ered
he deliv-
two
plastersone
shilling,
week
in one
There's six shillings
extracted five shillings.'
for your privatepleasure!"
"Look
here, Sarah, 'mustard
-Til-Bib
over
teeth
spent
{London).
Lane
Love's
Friendship,N. Y.
Love, Va.
Kissimee, Fla.
Ring, Ark.
Parson, Ky.
Reno, Nev.
"
56
IlUnoia Star.
sparks of Laughter
Names
Old
Robinson
for last
Change, Things
(inspecting
young
collegeterm)
What
:
Don't
R.'s
"personalexpenses"account
mean
by fortydollars
you
do
for tennis?
Young
R.
:
(easily)
Oh, that's for
a
couple of rackets I had
to
have.
Old
R.
call them
:
Yes,
(severely)
I
understand, but I think
used
we
to
bats.
Princeton
"
Tiger.
StickingTogether
RepresentativeCooper, of Wisconsin, was
talkingabout
sian
Prus-
militarism.
"Prussian
since '71
militarism,"he said,"prepared for this war
as
frankly and openly as
well,as the club.
"A lady,you know, rang up the club the other evening.
'Please call my husband
rupted.
interto
,'she began, but she was
as
"
"
"
"
husband
'Your
"'My
mighty sure
ain't here, ma'am,' said the attendant,blandly.
goodness gracious me!' the lady exclaimed, 'you're
about it,aren't you? And I haven't told you my
husband
yet, either. Look here,mister,how do you know
my
haven't
name?'
the
club
when
I
told
at
you
my
"The
"
attendant
answered
ain't
'Nobody's husband
blandly than ever:
at the club,ma'am.'
more
never
A
celebrated
began
revivalist
speak the
to
pastor
this discourse,there
congregation,and I
fashion
"O
see
Oily
are
want
sin from
afar.
Glue
the
with
to
in this here
powerful bad negroes
which
for
he
did in this
you,"
pray
Nail his hands
to
valleywhere
all
over
with
Jones the
his
central
brightnessthat will make
him
"Brother
flock,and before he
Jones,before you begins
his
:
Lord, give Brother
him
somx
some
address
to
said:
"
Fiery Prayer
and
came
isn't
JVashinglonStar.
"
An
name
ear
to
eagle,that he
the gospeltelephone,and
eye
skies.
of the
Illuminate
his brow
the firesof hell look like
a
with
gospelplough, and bov/ his head in some
is much
v/anted to be said, and
prayer
oil of
Thy
salvation and
loneanoint
set
him
afire."
"
58
a
tallow candle.
the
the kerosene
may
nect
con-
Record,
Congrcisional
sparks of Laughter
A
The
a
wife of
Master
had
wealthj^man
floor-polisher,
new
"Do
you
"All
I ask,
a
understand
Craftsman
occasion
to
call in the
help of
business
thoroughly?"
inquire for yourselfat my last
you
situation. On the floor of the large drawing-room alone five persons
broke their limbs during last winter, and one
lady slipped
down
the grand staircase. It was
I who polishedthe Hoor and the
your
madam,
is that
stairs."
"Tit-Bits.
A
Two
gentlemen riding on
First Gent
Second
much
New
What
"
Gent
a
Town
train
both very
were
(afterextractinga match-box from his pocket with
gazing at it intently) Thursday.
I've got to get oft here.
My God!
"
"
"
Dinner
Dr.
J. M.
conduct
to
Everyhody'i.
Religion
Buckley, the Methodist
"experiencemeeting"
an
cated.
intoxi-
time is it?
exertion and
First Gent
much
divine, was
at
colored
a
asked
church
one
in
day
the
South.
colored
A
woman
arose
and
bore witness
to
the preciousnessof
and comfort-giver.
light-bringer
"That's
Dr. Buckley. "But
now
good, sister!" commented
about the practicalside. Does your
religionm.ake you strive to
husband a good dinner?
Does it make you look after
your
prepare
him in every way?"
ored
Just then Dr. Buckley felt a yank at his coat-tails by the colpreacher,who whispered ardently: "Press dem questions,
her
religionas
Doctor,
press
a
questions. Dat's
dem
my
wife!"
"
Love's
He
Ladies' Home
Journal.
Fragrant Generosity
and his best
seated in a buggy one
girlwere
evening in town
vendor's stand.
a
people pass. Nearby was
popcorn
Presentlythe girlremarked:
smells good!"
That
"My!
popcorn
"That's right,"said the gallant. "I'll drive up a littlecloser so
v/atchingthe
you
can
smell it better."
59
Sparks of Laughter
His
Only
Returning home
a
loose tooth
doctor told
cost
me
a
Worth
from
the dentist's where he had gone
little Raymond
reported as follows:
drawn,
'fore he
me
Money's
have
to
"The
began that if I cried or screamed
it would
was
a
good boy it would be only fifty
dollar,but if I
cents."
"Did
you
"How
scream?"
could
his mother
I?"
answered
asked.
Ray.
"You
only
gave
fifty
me
cents."
"
A
Fresh
finished
Generous
Boston
Transcript.
Justiciary
from
a
Boston, the lawyer in the frontier town
glowing summing up for the defense. There
had
just
ensued
a
turned in some
long pause,
embarrassment
to
the judge.
"Your
honor," he asked,"will you charge the jury?"
"Oh, no, I guess not," answered the judge benignantly."They
ain't got much, anyway,
I let them keep all they can
make on
so
and
the Easterner
the side."
"
Hot
"Carl," said the
table No.
7 leave
Legion iVeelily,
Dog!
restaurateur
so
American
to
a
waiter, "why did that
man
suddenly?"
were
called for sausage, sir,"said the waiter, "and I told him
of them, but that if he would
wait a few minutes
out
have
the cook
"He
make
As
some.
I
man
got up
went
the
order, I accidentallystepped on
yelped. The
rightaway,
the kitchen
to
to
dog's tail,and of
sir,and ran out."
"
Politics No
in the "Old
that he had killed two
Over
at
Gauntry"
an
we
I'd
give the
course
it
Vnl^noTon.
Sin
Irishman
informed
his confessor
policemen. He waited a moment,
and, as no
the
louder
he
information
in
comment
tone.
a
was
made,
repeated
remark on the part of the priest,
he raised his
Still there was
so
no
voice a littlehigher and asked,"Are ye deaf, Father?"
"I'm waiting for 3'ou to stop
the answer.
"I am
not," came
and start confessingyour sins."
talkingpolitics
"
60
SavingsBanl^sJournal,
sparks of Laughter
God
Save
the
Queen!
The
Orleans was
Shakespeare Club of New
noted for its amateur
in the cosperformances. Once, a social celebrity,
tume
gorgeous
of
lord-in-waiting,
was
a
called upon
to
"The
say:
queen
has swooned."
As
he stepped
Bowing
said:
the stage his friends applauded vociferously.
his thanks, he faced the king and, in a high-pitched
voice,
"The
There
had
swoon
was
subsided
upon
has
queened."
roar
laughter. He waited patientlyuntil
has cooned."
tried again: "The
sween
of
a
and
it
in a voice that
Again the house roared, and the stage manager,
could be heard all over
the theatre,
said,"Come
off,you doggoned
fool!"
the ambitious
But
as
falsetto,
he
refused to surrender,and in a rasping
assisted
off
the
being
stage, screamed, "The
amateur
was
has sweened!"
coon
"
Celestial
The
Rounds,
Physic
A
pany
preacher is said to have received from a patent medicine comoffer to provide his church with songbooks free of charge.
an
It was
explained there would be a few ads in the front and back
of the books,but that these ads would
be offensive to members
not
of the congregation,since the books
were
being secured for
nothing.
The
preacher gave the order and the books arrived. He found
the books.
He
the ads to be mildly worded
and decided to use
the
had
been
and
from
how
the
books
secured
pulpit
explained
No.
274.
that they would
announced
sing hymn
Imagine tlie
surprisewhen, on reaching the second verse, they
congregation's
found themselves singing:
"Hark
the
heavenlyangelssing,
Johnson's pillsare just the thing;
Angel voices meek and milk
"
Two
for
and
man
one
for
child.'^
"
She'll
Lou
"
"Will
I have
to
Keep
Her
give up
my
Ancient,
Word
club when
we
are
married,
love?"
Laura
"
"Oh, I'llhave
a
littleclub
at
home
for you,
"
61
dear."
Houston
Post.
Sparks of Laughter
Faithful
old
An
darky got
night in meeting
one
up
Death
Unto
and
said:
know
I know
and
an' sisters,
that I ain't been
you
I'se robbed henroosts an' stole hogs,an' tol'
what I oughter been.
an' shot craps
an'
slashed folks wi' my
lies,an' got drunk
razor,
"Bredders
an'
an' cussed
nebber
done
I ain't nebber
"
dere's
de Lord
but I thank
swore,
lost my
"I've
"Why,
how
know
might be
an
an
e,
or
a,
Sadie
mean
A
was
Peter, Noah
don't
a
and
prominent deacon in an Ohio
popular, a bulletin was
very
inform
to
fortune!"
a
Nerv
"
Had
Magazines.
Various
typewriter. When
you
it
hit
and
makes
that
key
you
almost anything else."
spella word
to
to
last that will
at
is it this time?"
it's an
extra
key for
"What
that
invention
an
This
thing I ain't
religion."
"
Show
one
Gabriel
church
a
blur
Yorf( Evening Pod.
Guessing
ill. As
seriously
was
he
posted in front of the church
his friends of his condition.
It read
:
Jones very ill."
and sinkingrapidly."
o'clock: Deacon
"Two
Jones is worse
"Three o'clock: Deacon
Jones is dead."
A jocund travelingman,
seeingno one in sight,added :
Deacon
Great excitement
in Heaven.
"Seven o'clock:
Jones
o'clock:
"One
has
not
Deacon
The
yet arrived.
is feared."
worst
"
Old
Favorite.
Logic!
The
ball had
gardens,and
door
to
Then
"How
a
only got
the
balls will in suburban
as
railings,
small but unabashed
batsman
appeared
at
the front
ask for it.
appeared an
dare
you
for your ball?
with it?"
"But
over
gone
Do
you've got
one
irate father.
you
How
dare you ask
yourselfat my house?
of my children
know
you nearly killed one
ten
children,"said the logicallad, "and
show
I've
baseball."
"
62
Chicago Nexps.
sparks of Laughter
Much
Too
Watching
Douglas, aged seven, did not like the idea of guardian angels
him while he slept.
watching over
One
his
mother
found on
his pillow a big, black falsenight
face
the
of Hallowe'en
souvenir
a
"
and
"
the foot of the bed, under
at
the child himself,restinguncomfortably.
the matter
asked him what was
why he preferred to
covers,
She
"
sleep
the idea of the false face.
upside down, and what was
To all of which questions he boastfullyreplied:
I'm
I'm sick and
justplayinga littlejoke on the Lord!
tired of having those old guardian angels watch
the minute
me
I get to sleep!"
"Why,
Harper's.
"
His
Vincent
altogethertoo garrulous in school
punishments as the institution allowed
was
teachers. Such
out
last the headmaster
monthly
So the
please his
to
to
be meted
effect upon
the boy, until at
apparent
decided
mention
the lad's fault upon
his
to
tried without
were
Pa
Brute
any
report.
report
next
to
his father had
a
great deal."
the
came
report by mail
in red ink under
the comment:
"Vincent
these words:
talks
duly signed,but with this written
"You
ought to hear his mother."
Back
Chicago Daily News.
"
Choosing Language
at the hippopotamus, which, after
Johnny looked in amazement
gazing at Johnny for a while, yawned lazily.
ain't that a hell of an animal?"
said Johnny.
"Oh, mamma,
I
"Why, Johnny, what kind of language do you call that?
hear
word
'ain't'
that
don't want
to ever
again!"
you use
"New
Our
The
sweet
wanted,
time"
store
young
but
in each
it would
to
find
a
Opulent
thing had
case
clerk
English
unable
the clerk had
assuredlybe
new
been
on
in stock.
the
job.
to
buy the article she
assured
her
that "next
One
day she called
"Do
you
clerk blushed.
she inquired. The
"No,
wife now."
"I'm not livingwith my
have
spats
at
the
yet?"
m.a'am," he stammered:
"
63
York World.
MinneapolisJournal.
Sparks of Laughter
The
Present
New
York
Way
Mr.
Johnson was
house hunting with
a
splash. Horrors!
home, after a tiringday
wending his way
result. Passing along by a river he heard
no
There
was
a
man
strugglingin the water.
Could
it be?
Yes
it was
his friend Mr. Robson.
Disregarding
his appealsfor help,Johnson made a rush for Robson's house agent.
"Excuse
"but can
I have Robson's
me," he said breathlessly,
"
house?
has fallen in the river and
He
is
drowning."
house merchant, "but you're too
"Sorry," said the plaster-faced
I've already let it to the man
who pushed him in."
late.
"
An
He
a
was
Unconnected
Afen" York World.
Bluff
law^^erand had just opened his office. ClientHearing his doorknob turn, he quicklypicked up
young
less,of course.
the telephonereceiver. But, let him tell it!
'Yes, Mr. S.,'I was
saying as the stranger entered the office,
for you.
Mr.
'I'll attend to that corporationmatter
J. had me
the phone this morning and wanted
to settle a damage suit,
me
on
But
but I had to put him off as I was
too busy with other cases.
"
I'll manage
Yes.
sandwich
to
your
case
in between
the others
right,good-bye.'
then, that I had duly impressed my
All
Yes.
"Being sure,
client,I hung up the receiver and turned to him.
'Excuse me,
sir,'the man
said,'but I'm from
company.
come
to
connect
your
Obedient
instrument.'
do
men
audience, let him
In
the
obedience
rear
to
of women's
rise up.
I should
York World,
Husband
fiercely
queried the
"Is there a man
here," she continued,folding her
lady orator.
"that has day after day got up in the morning, gone quietly
arms,
the fire,cooked his own
breakfast,sewed the
downstairs, made
missing buttons on the children's clothes,cleaned the pots and
in this
If there is such a man
kettles,and swept the kitchen?
"What
know
telephone
"
"Ne-a"
Her
prospective
the
"
I've
how.
some-
of the hall
the summons,
work?"
like
to
see
mild-looking man
He
timidly arose.
him."
in
a
of the eloquent speaker. This
had to assert himself.
was
the husband
was
the first chance
"
64
in
spectacles,
he had
ever
Going Around.
Sparks of Laughter
Lighting
One
him
evening
where
he
a
farmer
Her
Countenance
his
met
with
man
going.
the reply.
"Courtin'j"was
"CourtinV' said the farmer, "with
lantern
a
and
asked
was
lantern?
I never
took a
lantern with me
when
I went
courtin'."
"I thought not," replied the man,
"when
I first saw
your
missus."
Pearson's Wee}(l\f
{London).
a
"
His
Great
Opportunity
professional
conjurer. "Now, ladies and gentlemen,"
of the hand, "this is the magic cabinet. I inhe said,with a wave
vite
lady in the audience to enter this cabinet. I will then
any
close the door, and when
it shall be opened again the lady will
have disappeared,leavingno trace."
There was
in
an
impressivesilence until a littleundersized man
who
the second row
turned to an enormous
sat by him,
woman,
He
was
a
and breathed
eagerly:
"Marie, dear,won't
obligethe gentleman?"
you
"
A
One of Sir Thomas
Scotchman who went
to
stake
a
Wasted
Life
Lipton's favorite stories
to
horserace
a
old
concerns
sixpencein the third
on
race
a
old
an
for the firsttime and
duced
in-
was
By
40-to-l shot.
the bookmaker
the
handed
the horse won,
and when
could
believe
his
he
his winnings
hardly
eyes.
all
this
for
tell
I
saxpence?" he
me
ma
to
get
ye mean
miracle
some
Pearson's IVeelily{London).
man
"Dae
exclaimed.
,
do," repliedthe bookmaker.
the Scotchman.
"Ma
conscience,"muttered
been
how long has this thing
goin'on?"
i*.i^
"You
"Tell
"
Her
"There
are
a
Supreme
great many
'human
me,
mon,
Boston Transcript.
Sacrifice
interest'stories
to
be found
in
the 'want' advertisements."
"Well?"
"For
John;
instance,here's
I've sold the
one
in which
Mary
says:
'Come
home,
poodle.'"
"
66
Birmingham Age-Herald.
sparks of Laughter
Extreme
He
hated
Measures
having his photograph taken,but
his
wife, indirectly,
undergo the much dreaded ordeal. When
she
the
she
in
cried
saw
photograph
out
horror,"Oh, George,you have
only one button on your coat!" "Thank
Heavens," repliedfriend
husband, "you've noticed it at last. That's why I had the photograph
had
forced
him
to
taken."
"
San
Franciico Argonaut.
Flip Jack, Flap Jack
"I
thought sure
it. \Vhat
caused
Flyrtiewould
Jack and Miss
make
a
match
of
the break?"
speare.
Jack's unfortunate knowledge of ShakeYou
he proposed, Miss
Flyrtiesaid : 'Well,
see, when
here's my hand and my heart with it. 'Twas
mine; 'tisyours.'
ing
'And has been slave to thousands,'
quoted Jack without thinkall off in the twinkling of an eye."
and it was
"It
all due
was
to
"
"
Boston
"
Ever
"Do
the
you
"Yes,"
"Let
over
feet.
my
over
there in the blue dress?"
asked
a
give you
me
"I'm
It?
Do
stranger standing next to him at a party.
addressed, with interest.
repliedthe man
of
man
that chromo
see
Transcript.
quiet tip. She's
a
Don't
try to
You
likely
not
to.
a
lemon.
She
walked
all
dance with her."
wife!"
see, she's my
Statesman.
Yonl^ers
"
"Helping" Mamma
Several members
of
a
woman's
club
were
chattingwith
a
little
daughter of their hostess.
"I suppose
help to
mamma," said one.
"Oh, yes,"repliedthe little miss, "and so is Ethel, but it's my
the spoons
to count
turn
is gone."
to-day after the company
you
are
a
great
your
Boston
"
Transcript.
Oh, Edith!
Dick
on
I think Edith
"
for six months
her
will make
now
darning her father's socks.
That
Jack
caught me,
"
same
and
a
fine wife.
I have been
nearly alwajs
too, until I found
out
have
calling
found
that it
was
her
the
sock.
"
67
Boston
Transcript.
Sparks of Laughter
An
"Tell
while
Orthodox
Jamie, what
me,
Auld
the
was
most
Mither
wonderful
thing you
"I think the strangest thing I saw
the flying-fish."
was
Wha
"Noo, laddie, dinna mak' a fule of yer mither.
heard o' a fish fleein'?"
"Another
strange
anchor and
thing I
wheels of Pharaoh's
chariot
dropped
when
saw
we
when
crossingthe Red
raised it again there was
We've
Kansas
hear from
Mabel
at
by then I
you
She hurried
Hicks's
until
ten
others
"A
out
man
word, will
me
going to ask her."
am
up.
The
men
CitjjTimes.
o'clock. If I don't
"
"Some
one
Salesmanship
"Ethel," he whispered,"will you marry me?"
"I don't know, Charlie,"she repliedcoyly.
"send
"Well, when you find out," he said,rising,
I shall be
We
of the
Scripturefor that."
"
Modern
Sea.
ever
it."
on
believe you.
"Aye, laddie,I
you?
saw
sea?"
at
make
Supply
out
money
of cotton,
make
can
corn
money
or
of
Holds
Houston
Post.
Out
lumber, others
out
wool, still
of
wheat."
of almost
out
anythingnowadays,
if
how."
"That's true."
he knows
"I've
he made
just met
ten
a
member
thousand
of the medical
dollars last year
professionwho
out
"
Boston
Lowbrow
told
me
of adenoids."
Birmingham A"e-Herald,
Habits
Atlantic Avenue
fastidious friend of ours, being down
on
on
It was
business the other day, dropped into a hashery for lunch.
to get
place,but he thought he could manage
a
rough, ill-smelling
he
ordered them.
The
of coffee and a doughnut, so
down
a
cup
A
brought his coffee in a thick,heavy cup.
fastidious friend.
"Where's the saucer?" inquiredour
here," repliedthe girl,turning her
don't give no saucers
"We
waitress
would
lowbrows
"If we
did, some
of gum.
lot
of our
drink out of his saucer, and we'd lose a
wad
"
68
blowin' and
swell trade."
come
Boston
Transcript.
Sparks of Laughter
Spic
There's
a
keeping it
suburban
spicand
and
home
Span Spitting
whose
After
owner's
principaldelightis in
he and
ing
smokguest were
guest, after lightinghis cigar,threw
span.
the front
dinner
a
porch. The
the burned match to the ground.
"Oh, I wouldn't do that,George," said the host.
"Why not?" asked the guest, surprised.
"It spoilsthe appearance
of a place,"was
the answer.
"It's
those
little
that
make
look
bad."
just
things
a place
The guest smoked
his cigarin silence for a minute.
out
Then, withfrom his chair,walked down
a word, he got up
to the road and
disappeared. He returned in a short while, and his host asked :
"Why, where have you been, George?"
down
said George.
to spitin the river,"
"Oh, I just went
on
Everybod)f'5.
"
Caddie's
Golfer
"
Caddie
"
Caddie
"
Golfer
boy; you made me miss that putt!
nothing,sir.
did
blooming hiccough.
Yes, 5'ou
; it was
your
I didn't hiccup,sir.
you,
I didn't do
"
Golfer
Confound
Slip-Up
"
Of
course,
you
didn't.
missed,and I allowed for it,you
It's the
first time
idiot!
5/rap Stories.
"
This
Show
"Why
"I
am
"Has
to
Myra
writing my speech?"said the
spellbound,"repliedhis typist.
eloquencesuch an effect?"
my
don't you
on
go
"Yes, sir. I never
I can't spell."
worked
for
you've
a
man
who
used
so
orator.
many
Boston
"
words
Transcript.
ScripturalFashions
"William
Dean
Howells," said
an
editor, "often joked about
the latest styles.
"
'The
lady of New
"
'Did
"
'Why, didn't
text
a
didn't he?' Mr.
sermon,
young
minister made
from
he?
witty reference
Howells
said
the latest stylein his
to
one
Sunday morning
to
a
York.
How?'
you
asked
the j'oung
notice?' said Mr.
Revelations.'
lady.
Howells.
'He
chose his
"
"
69
Detroit Free Press.
Sparks of Laughter
Sir Walter
And
had
He
Turned
been
reading knightly romances
with
the present
sordidness of the world.
duty
to
On
a
injectsome
into the
romance
Over
and
He
dissatisfied
grew
believed it to be his
dailygrind.
rainy,muddy day he sallied forth to perform some
knightly
He beheld a bewitching princess about to step from her
errand.
limousine upon
the dirty wet
Hastening forward, he
pavement.
his
fur
her
under
feet.
coat
spread
dainty
She
looked
him
in surprise.
fools!" she exclaimed.
"Well, of all the damn
at
"
One
Good
A
had
8 p. m. in a New
York auditorium.
him in his hotel until 7.45 p. m.
He
said
Hall
to
at
I'lltake the
a
few
the driver:
"I've
rushed
car
by an
"Shtop! Back
was
to
the taxi stand
ics'
speak in MechanTake
whizzed
halted
to
out
engagement
the speed laws!
The
responsibility!"
it
to lecture
engagement
held
dinner engagement
an
8 o'clock. Break
blocks when
an
A
at
and
Sel.
Mike
on
Episcopalianminister
dignified
Smarl
any
chances!
It had gone
away.
Irish trafficpoliceman:
there. Whadda
"Shtop!"
oop
ye
thryin'tub make a race-track out uv me boulevarrd?
mane
Hop
there an' give me
and number."
name
out
your
The
The minister stepped out.
policeman took one look at the
Then
ministerial choker and closed front vest.
taking off his hat
he said softly:
father.
I sh topped ye so's I cud tell
"I beg your pa-a-r-rdon,
There's
the laddy here to be careful three blocks farther down.
Protestant cop dow-n there and ye might get pinched."
a mean
he shouted.
"
Feared
Father
"In
what
(The
citywere
teacher
"I wasn't
This
answer,
"But
you
"No,
mam;
"Indeed!
"Yes,
mad
mam,
you
in
I
Are
Cough-Up
born?"
for
questionnaires
new
pupils.)
city."
Umson, caused surprise.
have been born in some
city or town."
Uriam
"
was
born
he
on
a
train."
sure?"
you
because
he got when
Association.
no
from
must
Another
out
filling
was
born
Medical
Journalof the American
I often hear mother
thought
he'd have
to
remind
pay
"
70
father of how
another fare."
Youngsloi"nTelegram.
Sparks of Laughter
The
Deadly Saxophone
land.
was
Washington man
taking a walking tour through MaryOne night he put up at a country hotel. The next morning,
A
breakfast,the landlord said
at
"Did
last
yours
enjoy
you
him
to
:
saxophone playing in the
the
next
room
to
night?"
"Enjoy it!" exclaimed the tourist. "I should think not! Why,
the
the wall, trying to make
I spent half the night pounding on
stop!"
man
"It
have
must
been
a
me
saxophone
he
him
that
so
heartily
applauded
room
landlord,
that the person
player told
"The
regretfully.
next
the
said
misunderstanding,"
went
over
every
in the
piece
three times."
he knew
Harper'sMagazine.
"
Entirely Reasonable
"I
in
am
shipment
receiptof
Fargo," a
at
"I
letter
askingwhy
gentleman writes to
your
I
receive your
mail-order house.
cannot
a
I
take this out, but you see I am
in jailat
cannot
am
sorry
Cando, N. D., on charges of murder, and I will probablygo to
that place is steam-heated,so I
the penitentiar"',
and they tell me
won't
need
the stove,
so
pleasearrange
to
send my
"
Checkmate
Not
money
Macon
Street is requested to forward
it
to
Telegraph.
!
long ago there appeared in a Western paper
gentleman who found a pocketbook with
"The
back."
the following;
money
the address of the
in Main
loser,as he
recognized."
was
The
next
day there appeared in the
which, althoughcourteous,
an
"The
recognized gentleman who
Main
Street requests the loser
same
the response,
paper
elusive air:
had
picked
call
to
a
up
his house
at
pocketbook in
at
a
convenient
date."
"
A
Asked
why
he left hell
out
Harper'sMagazine.
Psychologist
of
a
recent
sermon,
Brother Williams
replied:
"Ever'thingto
de thermometer
his
vmz
in
Whilst
I
dat sermon
a-preachin'
an' hell spoke for itself!"
de nineties,
season.
wuz
"
71
A llanla Constitution.
Sparks of Laughter
He
Cycling
Too
Pedestrian
Sure!
Darned
Amazon
(aftercollision) It was your fault! I was
carefullyand I've had eightyears'experience in
wheel
ridingmy
riding!
Was
"
I think it was
Madam,
yours! I was
walking
and I've had sixty-eight
carefully,
years'experiencein walking!
"
PasiingShow
"
Scientific
Al
Bert
Phil
How
"
Bert
"
do these love
Most
of them
Humor
triangles
usuallyend?
turn
into
wreck-tangle.
a
"
Poor
Six-year-old
Margaret
{London).
Science and
Invention.
Margaret!
played with Nellie,a neighbor's
the
rainy day the two were
just startingacross
clean kitchen floor at Margaret's home
when
the latter's mother,
seeing their muddy shoes,headed them off and sent them out to
Nellie remarked :
play on the porch. After a moment
"My mother don't care how much I run over the kitchen floor."
There
was
quite a long interval of silence. Then
Margaret
often
little girl. One
said:
"I wish I had
a
nice,dirtymother
like
you'vegot,
"
Nellie."
Galveston
News.
Fifty-FiftySausage
reputationfor a
A sanitary
He called it rabbit sausage.
certain brand of sausage.
inspectorcalled one day for an analysis. "Don't you use some
horse :n this make of sausage?" asked the s. i. "Yes, I use some,"
much?"
the reply. "How
"Well, I make it a fifty-fifty
was
proposition.One horse,one rabbit."
A
sausage
manufacturer
in Milwaukee
built
a
"
Well, What
DOES
Circuit Rider.
It Mean?
"
trust,' repliedthe office boy confidently
the telephone.
in answer
to a questionover
the
does?"
"What
inquired
cityeditor who caught the remark.
the boy. "A man
said he had
answered
"E Pluribus Unum,"
"It
a
bet
means
we
up."
"What
"He
'In God
did he say when you told him that?"
said he guessed he'd lost the bet."
"
72
Star.
Kansas Cit}f
Sparks of Laughter
The
Repression
of
Johnny
"You
ought to have seen Mr. Marshall when he called on Dolly
the other night,"remarked
Johnny to his sister'syoung man, who
was
taking tea with the family. "I tell you he looked fine a-setting
there alongsideof her with his arm
"Johnny!" gasped his sister,her face the color of a boiled
"
lobster.
"Well, so he did,"persisted
Johnny. "He had his arm
"John," screamed his mother frantically.
"Why," whined the boy. "I was
"John," said his father sternly,"leave the room."
And
"I was
Johnny left,crying as he went:
only going
"
"
that he had his army
clothes
on
"
An
to
say
!"
A/en" Yot}^Central Magazine.
All-Protecting Providence
Times:
"How
Says the bachelor editor of the Wathena
can
and
be
satisfied
with
their
husbands?
to
girls
expect
you
marry
They are seldom satisfiedwith themselves. There is always something,
complexion,weight,height,the color of the eyes or hair,that
And
it is a case
where 'murder will out,'for
does not suit them.
can't
where
keep from telling
they just
they themselves think they
could be improved. Except for that,easilyfooled men
ily
might readto have
imagine them to be perfect. A wise Providence seems
of warning men
decreed that they should tote fair,to the extent
of their imperfections."
Houston Post,
"
Elinor
Elinor
Glyn
Glyn"
said at
a
But
NOT
"Three
Weeks"
dinner:
Spanish couple have a child a yea.T for twenty
A good many
of these children die,but nevertheless
years or so.
the average
Spanish family boasts about twelve children.
last year, and
"A Spanish grandee took his family to America
York
department
one
day, as he was leading the way into a New
halted
him
:
rudely
a
policeman
store,
'Here, what you been doin'?' the policeman said.
said the Spanish grandee.
'Nothing,'
"The
average
"
"
"
'Then
what
are
children foUerin'
all these
you
for?'
the
policeman said suspiciously."
"
74
Detroit Free Preu.
Sparks of Laughter
of Mind
Presence
"So you
'Twas
$200
got
"
wi'
"
Hello, Pat, I hear
"Why,
London
Mail.
job in the department
lost your
you
the heid
Ad
Pulling
A
on
the old wife
I just cracked
the crash came."
stick when
me
for the accident?"
railway company
accident.
an
no
of the
out
store."
"Oh,
yes, I got fired."
"You
got fired?
I just took
"Oh,
sign from
a
happen?"
lady'sshirtwaist and
did that
How
a
it on
put
a
bathtub."
what
Well, tellme
got fired for that?
like to see your
would
"It said, 'How
you
"And
you
best
sign read."
girlin this for
the
$2.75?'"
"
The
The
other
"Ah
wants
day
a
Best
into
de bes'
none
of your
of
one
mean
poores
porous
our
plasters. I
wants
got."
you
one
want
a
"You
"I understand," said the clerk.
plasters."
"No, sah, I don't
Good
Too
drug-storeand said :
dere plasters
yoah back."
you stick on
went
negro
ob dem
one
None
Keeping in Touch.
"Nev
York Globe.
Phew!
The
attracted
"You
her.
to
was
a
a
lovely flower and
mouse
and
then he wondered
And
you
I
why she
Fraternal
he
had
been
rose
a
bee," he explained to
pieceof cheese."
and
The
left the
American
room.
Legion M^ccj^/j).
Hope
departed the old darky pastor stood, hat in
Looking into the abj'sshe delivered himself of the funeral
the grave
hand.
was
a
were
"
At
how
her.
were
"I
sweetheart
tellinghis
was
man
young
of the
oration.
"Samuel
hopes you
Johnson," he said sorrowfully,"you is gone.
is gone where we
'specksyou ain't."
"
75
The
American
An'
we
Legion lVeel(l}f.
Sparks of Laughter
Neighbor (bearer of
at
'ome, Charlie.
rebate off yer
Helpmeet!
Blessed
His
Yer
breathlessly) "You're
wife's just presented j-er with
message,
another
tax."
income
"
A
Resourceful
{London).
Punch
Sergeant
recruits in the mysteries
some
instructing
was
drill-sergeant
of marching movements,
Irish
An
wanted
"
in getting
difficulty
of his to halt when
was
given. After
a countryman
illustratingseveral times, he approached the
explaining and
recruit,sized him up silentlyfor a couple of minutes, and then
his
demanded
and found
great
the command
name.
the reply.
"Casey, sir,"was
"Well, Casey, did ye iver drive
"Yis, son"
did ye say when
"What
mule?"
a
him
wanted
you
to
stop?"
"Whoa."
and immediately put
sergeant turned away
dozen yards or
After they had advanced
a
motion.
Whoa,
out
at the top of his lungs! "Squad, halt!
The
burst
storm
upon
so
us
approach,"related
the tornado
demolished
scattered
was
and
had
suddenly we
"In
victim.
to
the four winds.
the house
I
How
escaped
."
to
.
"
His
warning of its
no
instant
an
piecesI do not know
Lord!"
"Good
ejaculatedlittleMr. Meek.
I almost forgot to do an errand for my wife."
being torn
Casey!"
of Ideas"
"Association
"The
he bawled
so
Argonaut {San Francisco).
The
"
squad in
his
Place
"
Beneath
"Down
idea of
"My
Said Aaron
The
.
The
"That
American
and
Far
reminds
me.
Legion lVeelil\f.
Below"
heaven,"
K.
well-known
Agatehead,
truck-driver,
long stretch of pavement
Full of holes and puddles of water,
"Is
And
a
the curb
lined with
people,
All drest in white."
.
"
76
Detroit Motor
News.
Sparks of Laughter
And
A
widower
ordered
inscriptionconcluded
the
on
Him
Haunted
headstone
a
his wife's
for
"Lord, she
with:
found
finished it was
was
She
Then
that the
thine."
was
did
stone-cutter
"
And
All
"Did
Moses
"How
"
have
not
The
"
Dad
When
it
room
for the "e" in "thine."
stone
Johnny
The
grave.
the
Swallows
Race
Drexerd.
Them
dyspepsialike what you've got?"
earth do I know?
do you
ask such a
Why
on
have
question?"
Johnny
"Well,
"
Moses
gave
Sunday school
our
teacher
Poor
colored
Little
London
woman
one
I'se got t'ree little infidels so
be appointed der execootiner."
died detested and
"
Wouldn't
Doctor
"He'll
"
Be
be up
in
Mail.
Infidels!
day visited the courthouse in
and said to the judge :
town
"Is you-allthe reperbatejudge?"
"I am
the judge of probate,mammy."
*T'se come
to
you-all 'cause I'se in trubble. Mah
done
Lord
tablets."
two
"
A
the
says
The
a
Tennessee
man
I'se
"
cum
he's
to
Laroyer and Banker.
Caught Napping
day
a
or
two, Mrs.
Jones, Why
all
this distress?"
Apprehensive
was
Wife
the harp
practising
"I
"
was
so
afraid,doctor; all night he
the bed-rails."
on
"
And
The
other
day
accordinglywas
a
Probably
Opinion.
Perfimied
littlefellow of middle-class
having
London
parents
and
drest
the
on
esplanade,rolling
romp
regardlessof his clothes entirely.
During a pause in his play his mother said to him, pointingto two
boys in immaculate white suits: "Look, dear, wouldn't you like
around
to
on
the
be nice and
"Huh!"
concrete
a
merry
walk
clean like those children there?"
repliedthe youngster
scornfully,
"they'renot children;
they'repets."
"
77
Boslon
Transcript.
sparks of Laughter
Baiting
Public
the
"Say, Jim," said the friend of the taxicab-driver,
standing in
front of the vehicle,"there's a purse Iving on
the floor of your
car."
driver looked
The
when
carefullyaround
business is bad
times
whispered: "Some-
then
I put it there and leave the door open.
idea how
people'U jump in for a
many
you've no
short drive when
they see
It's empty,
and
but
it."
Kind
"
Taking
A
salesman
he sells.
He
his
extended
showing
was
made
proceedingsfor
at the sky.
number
a
as
arm
Chances
elderlylady the virtues
of
turns
and
turning signal. The
a
Then
time.
some
an
No
to
I'lllet you
driving!
your
her neck and
the
on
shoulder,"you
know."
your
vote
the
same
going to
I do."
way
the way
vote
And
your
the
ask each other, "How
is
"She's going to
answer,
men
men
ask each
women
husband
does?"
And
No
Algy
"
too
Valet
"
Difference
Noticeable
new
dance."
"
Has
"I don't
his
Herald.
Sjfracuie
"Parker, I'm ruined socially! Last night at the ball I
much
and staggeredinto everybody."
"Scarcely that, sir. Every one's talking of you as
inventinga
to
other,"Are
they answer,
thinks I am."
"
drank
Argonaut,
Yours?
this is the time of year when
And
the
wife going to vote?"
"He
looked
It don't look like rain,but if it should
Does
you
car
at
"
And
of the
times
the proper
old lady watched
the
she craned
"Mister," she said sternly,tapping him
just tend
Wordi.
see
why
you
Plenty
PassingShor" (London),
of Comrades
call your
place a bungalow," said Smith
neighbor.
"Well, if it isn't a bungalow, what
"The job was
a
bungle, and I stillowe
is it?" said the
for it!"
"
76
Pearsons
neighbor.
lVeelil}f.
Sparks of Laughter
World's
Sharpest Weapon
homely young
English chap, having his view obstructed by
"See
the headgear of the girlin front of him, ventured to protest.
here, miss,"he said,leaningover, "I w^ant to look as well as you."
"Then
"Oh, do yer?" she replied,in a rich Cockney accent.
you'd better run 'ome and change yer fice."
A
"
A
MacTavish
Wunnerful
Boston
Tramcript,
Echo
echo.
When
folk roond
"Ay, it's a wunnerfu'
aboot here gang
tae their beds,they juistput their heids oot o' the
an'
them i' the mornin'!"
window
shout,an' the echo waukens
"
"
Stopped
He
The
PassingShow
{London).
Short
Perkins
(during neighborlyquarrel) "By Jove, if you don't
I'll buy my
wife a new
me
hat, and
stop trying to make
angry,
then you'llhave to buy one
for yours!"
"
"
Tongue- Wagging
A
The
Than
Worse
PassingShow
{London).
Leg-Shaking
D. Wilson, burning
W,
gossipone day went
to Dean
with indignation: "Oh, doctor, have you heard the disgraceful
The young
news?
people of your church are going to have a
How
do you think about it?"
dance, they say.
shocking! What
I
To
which
the saintlyscholar responded sweetly,"Madame,
had rather have them shake their legsthan their tongues!"
notorious
"
And
Professor
"When
"
you
The
Christian Register {Boston).
Its Patches
examine
a
dog's lungs
under
the
do you see?"
of his pants, I suppose."
microscope, what
"The
seat
The
"
And
"What
are
It Worked
Claude?"
doing with that porous-plaster,
you
"Well, I want
justtry this over
Pelican,
an
on
idea for
the
a
Futurist
Fugue
and
I
thought I'd
pianola!"
"
79
London
Mail.
sparks of Laughter
Business
"Who's
the swell
guy
Partners
just talkin' to?" asked Tony
was
you
the bootblack.
"Aw, him and me's worked
together
Mickey the newsboy. "He's the editor of
The
"
What
According
kiss each
Dr.
to
other.
Makes
'Em
Bramer, the
Judging by
one
Legion W^ee^/j).
American
Savage
Island
of Brumari
savages
their
years," answered
of me
papers."
for
never
don't blame
photographs,we
them,
The
"
Thrilling Limit
The
"What
sort
"Great!
of
a
I've had
having
letters from
two
the other from
station and
friend
time is your
only
PassingShoii" {London).
him
Good
fall in love with
"Why
one
"
The
that the best way
to
a
Even
police
a
Bulletin
(S^dne^).
of life is to
out
get the most
beautiful woman."
last
Amherst
Lord
by
your
first name,
watch
out,
one.
"
Caught
Jeff.
If It Is Smith
girlbegins callingyou
She likes your
boy !
from
great problem or a
choose the latter and get both?"
not
a
tour?"
motor
Scheme
"
When
his
hospital."
a
"
"Sages tell us
on
'Em
in His
Judge.
Too
Mouth,
invented a rubber pneumatic suit
"Yes," he bragged, "I once
for men
working at great heights."
it successful?" asked an unsuspectingone.
"And
was
man
"I should say it was," he replied. "D'you know, the firstworkbounced so hard and long
who fell off a buildingwearing one
that
we
had
to
throw
biscuits
to
him
to
keep him
"
80
Los
alive."
Angeles Times.
Sparks of Laughter
When
the
Worth
'Twas
Eve
Penalty
the firstof
upon
men
apple prcst, with speciouscant,
The
Oh, what
That
thousand
a
Adam
not
was
pitiesthen
adamant!
The
"
Santa
much
(Detroit).
Cold
stay awake and
Santa Claus filltheir stockings. But the sandman
too
was
about eleven o'clock
for Bennie and he went
to sleep. At
Freddie,seven,
watch
Was
Cakiva^
he roused
Bennie, five,had agreed
and
enough
to
ask Freddie, sleepily:
to
he come?"
"Did
"Yes."
"Did
him?"
see
you
"Yes."
"What
did he do?"
"Oh, he jus'fussed with
and
our
stockingsa bit and then he
went
mother."
got into bed with
"
And
Pat
Had
a
Yulelide
Talet.
Sign
crossingthe golf links got hit by a ball. The
player hurried up, and finding Pat not seriouslyhurt, he said
sharply:"Why didn't you get out of the way?"
"An'
why should I get out of the way?" said the Irishman
An
Irishman
angrily. "I
didn't know
there
was
any
murderers
around
here."
'fore,' said the player,"and when I say 'fore'
that's a sign you are to get out of the way."
"Oh, it is,is it?" said Pat. "Well, when I say 'foive' it'sa sign
that you are goin'to get hit in the jaw. Foive!"
"But
"
I called
Boston
"
Oldest
The
"Go
ask
He
knew
knew
He
And
"Go
that her papa was
the life that he had
understood
ask
World
Joke in the Modern
papa," the maiden
when
Transcripl,
said.
dead,
led,
the maiden
said,
papa."
"
82
Methuselah.
SUGGESTIONS
This
is to
be
if
TO
TOASTMASTERS
sittingdown together and you asked
out
me
to tell you
something about toastmastering. If you are withthese suggestions,at
do well to act on
experience you would
least until your own
is
seasoned ; and if you are a master,
judgment
still you may
find in these few paragraphs a helpful hint,for none
of
is
us
toastmasters
the
were
for the occasion, and
prepare
"inspirationof the moment."
opportunities to add
and
say,
we
all-knowing.
Great
on
as
to
sometimes
depend
gives them
they had planned to do or
The
change what
or
necessitates
a
variation
do
not
"moment"
;
but
the frame
of their
is m.ade in advance.
This
preparation has two
evening's work
in
the
if that is possible,
having a finger planning
parts
program,
and gettingready for one's own
conduct of the program.
"
Preparation
The
about
dinners
draw
able
When
Date:
or
whom
some
also.
You
if you
can,
to
choosing the dinner's date, diligentlyinquire
meetings of other organizations which
might
of jour
guests and some
the fullest possibleattendance.
desire
you
want
partake
as
that all your members
that is set
of all food
and
before
all your
them.
own
bers
mem-
day
Fri-
Avoid
be
guests may
The
heavy-dish dinner has
day of the many-course,
by, and such a banquet nowadajs is served only when display
gone
is desired.
A few courses
satisfyhunger and pleasureand are long
the
for
enough
generation of comradeship and jollity.
Menu:
emphasize
insistently
Punctuality: Insist and
club
restaurant
or
oti
advertise
Guests
earlier.
half hour
hotel
or
Then
time.
that the dinner
"
the
members
and
beginning
as
must
a
the
to
and
shall
of
quarter
caterer
"
begin
hour
an
with
standing around
impatient at the long delay. A
is due to the right start, and only
grow
weary
hour, and are
good part of a banquet's success
the "on time" start is the right start.
a
or
See
Waiters:
into the head
leave the
least,that
have
cups
stay
an
to
waiter
room
as
they
been
it
have
"
if you
soon
as
it
clearlyunderstood
get at him
the coffee and
can
"
cigars are
served,
as
soon
get
it
drum
that the waiters
shall collect the cups
and saucers
emptied shall do it quickly, and
"
and
"
to
are
or,
as
out,
at
the
and
out.
The
Tip:
the equivalent
to add
Arrange with the management
the
their
thus
avoid
and
charge,
tip to
annoyance
of the collective
83
Sparks of Laughter
passing the platesor
banquet barbarism which
of
among
saucers
is
nowadays
is
a
well-ordered
at
seen
never
That
guests.
j'our
affairs.
The
And
Newspapers:
forget the
friends
whatever
else j'ou niaj' overlook do not
will be one
of the best
newspaper
The
newspapers.
We
organizationcan have, if it is given half a chance.
dinner in the next
want
a good story of our
day's paper, but too
often do nothing to earn
it. The newspaper'scommodity is news,
and our
dinner is news;
but also we
desire publicity;
and so our
relation to the press is reciprocal.Now, the reporter is a human
and the way
being,with feelingsand usuallywith fine sensibilities,
him
him
his
show
and
an
to gain
employer that you
as
ally is to
an
the newspaper
as
an
A
not
profession.
good way
office,
give them
newspaper
respect his
from the
to do this is to stay away
notice of the dinner, and offer no
institution and
respect
no
that you
doing justiceto the occasion. And a
secure
goodwill is to call on
newspaper
ance
attendthe data, solicit cordiallyhis own
facilitiesto the reporter for
and
good way to procure
the cityeditor,give him
that of
or
then
see
where
at
to
the scribe
the head
and
conduct
about
a
often
have
to
tells the
room
perfectlyboth those
; and
it also that
to
see
told about
ignoramus
some
that
toastmaster
is outside and
asks what's
to
If you
to
are
have
trots
be done?
Yet
the head
the
that
Totun
happens
that the dinner did
out-of-town
an
to
up
from
reporter
a
enough, and then there's wonderment
fat story next
front page
day.
a
Still more:
see
the
these seats, and, when
will welcome
them with a warmly glad hand
would
their places. How
j^ou like to stand
come,
them
can
all others in the
banquet door, while
table and
Booster
perfectlyand
the door has been
men
newspaper
hear
can
table and
at
someone
leave tickets for reserved seats, and
the head table,
seats of honor, near
reporter, and
it that the seats are
a
not
speaker,try
to
abstract,
obtain from him a manuscript of his address,or, better,
an
vance
and see that each paper has a copy of it twenty-four hours in adof the banquet. In these complex times dinner speechesare
given far less
space
1914, yet sometimes
than
a
accorded
was
littlemore
space
to
before
them
August 1,
is available if the material
monly,
usually,or comearly. Well-managed newspapers
abstract
but
for
write to such a speaker
manuscript or
;
you
done.
its
should not rely on
being
is
hand
on
about music?
Just two kinds
murmuring music
Music:
What
the
dining. One
is mere
that does
interfere with
music
"
not
84
are
"
conversation
allowable
not
and
ing
dur-
murdersome
merriment.
Sparks of Laughter
public dinner to have their voices drowned
and their laughterquenched by a brass band or by a blaring orchestra.
Set your foot down
hard, and keep it down, if rackety
artists they should play
music is proposed. If the musicians are
after the dinner
with
the
and so
singers and not while plates
and silver and glassare
are
clattering,
clinking,and waiters are
and there is the hum
of voices and laughter. The diners
bustling,
do not enjoy it,and the artistsloathe it. There is a time for everything.
Men
do
like
not
at
a
"
"
The
of allowable music
other kind
is that in which
the
such as good chorus singwith song
ing,
banqueters can
participate
the
backed by an orchestra.
But keep out
mere
music,
row
and givefellowshipthe chance it looks for at a dinner table.
be made more
that cannot
There are few banquet programs
joyable
enby fine vocal or instrumental music, to be alternated with
of
the speeches just enough to fillin, and relieve the monotony
the
throw
of
the speaking,and far from enough to
out
program
balance and give to music instead of to speaking the chief place.
"
"
Printed
Frogrmn:
An
is desirable,
at least for
a
souvenir
by
and program
engraved or printedmenu
annual or a specialdinner
it is kept as
an
"
many.
quently.
Speakers: This is the ticklish part of the planners*task,freFirst,say that this is the annual dinner of your organization.
There
is not to be an outside speaker. And
have a
you
horde of officialsw'ho will sit at the head table. Now, here's what
you
after:
are
to
"
everybody will
make
your
"Let's
dinner
so
enjoyablethat
next
year
they won't say it if every
that long head table makes a speech. Midnight will
at
magnate
find
them
not
should
finished.
make
ever
does not
daze, but
say,
not
And
go!"
most
But
God
of them
Wherefore
to
dazzle,j'our audience.
not
purpose
the facts that
cials
they are offiin compellingthem to
speech.
justifyj'our banquet committee
a
did
Your
should end
o'clock,and your members and guests should
half of whom
be compelled to listen to a procession
of men
not
get
"I
"I
make
not
not going to
am
a speechmaker,"or
am
up and say,
the
the
first
tellsthe
and
second is often
a
speech"
usually
truth,
an
pick out four or five
unmitigatedliar. Firmly, gently,tactfully
who can
make a decent address,and, without explanationor apology,
them as your speakers;adding, as occasionally
is necesname
sary,
all delightto
venerable or honored member, to whom
some
minutes he may
Tell each one
exactly how many
respect.
pay
that
fixed
will help some,
the
limit
was
speak,and explainwhy
exceed his minutes.
though one or more
even
may
not
later than eleven
program
"
"
85
4
Sparks of Laughter
If you
keeping down
crowd
at
away
your
hint here:
some
"
hear his entire address
they have
the show, and he is the star attraction.
earlyleavers
to
an
and guests may
of your members
come
by train and must leave before eleven. If so, call up
at least earlyenough for these
out-of-town speaker first,
or
A
playsorator.
have
all the more
for
out-of-town speaker,
reason
You
the
local
of
number
the
must
orators.
get
whole
town"
do
can't
if
"the
it
and
ele\en,
you
have
to
are
see
to
"
paid their
money
But
deserved reputationas writers or as doers.
Make
sure
that does not make them acceptablebanquet orators.
that a proposedspeakercan indeed speak,and is known
as a capable
speaker. Otherwise his reputationwith your people is liable to
Some
have
men
he may
suffer and
than
great
Fix
once.
as
name
a
a
I have seen
it happen more
ruin your dinner.
let
don't
it get out:
in
mind
and
this
a
your
writer or doer is not a guarantee of a great or
"
ordinary capablespeaker. Don't risk it,don't yield to
persuasion know what you are doing when you engage your chief
show piece.
an
even
"
Toastmaster
The
The
"Once
Over"
:
it is time for the dinner, and we
over" before the doors are
opened.
And
now
the "once
give the room
Yes, the placecards are at the head table,each with
will
and
it
"
in its rightplace!
Better
squarelyin front of the placeof
it would
hide either
Seating Your
one
Guests:
from
All
the
that tall vase
remove
toastmaster
or
a
upon
name
that stands
guest of honor
"
banqueters.
right
"
let them
in.
The
bugle
If your speaker
blows or the orchestra plays,and in they come.
is a non-mem.ber you will escort him to the placeof honor at your
righthand. If there are two such guests, you will bring in both,
place the chief one at your right and the lesser one at your
left;or you may bring in the chief guest and another officer may
pilotthe lesser light,to be seated at your rightand your left.
and waiting
is standingat the tables,
The company
The Start:
work
begins.
invitation to be seated. Here's where
your
jour
the atmosphere,so to speak. Instead of
set
Here's where
you
First of all
merely saying,"Be seated, gentlemen,"say more.
have completesilence. Get it by pounding a heavy plate,
you must
with the end of your table knife. Don't try tinkling
the table,
or
glass they won't hear it. Pound with that knife if you
your
diately
haven't a gavel. (Own and carry a gavel.) Some will immethrone,but there will
your
stop talkingand look toward
and
"
"
66
sparks of Laughter
still be
a
few
who
do
again. Keep your
is silent. Then, in
hear
or
hearing do not heed. Pound
don't open your mouth
until the hall
voice that reaches to the edges, quote, say,
not
poise,and
Bobbie
a
Burns:
"Some
hae
Some
But
So
meat, and canna
eat, and want
can
hae
lue
let the Lord
"Will
and
meat
be
seats,
somethingequallyappropriate
or
"
bookstore
any
the head
make
and
eat.
can
gentlemen?"
can
get a book of toasts
selection. If a minister is
you
own
your
it;
we
thankit."
take your
you
eat;
at
at
table,this quotation from
In that
course.
case,
of
not
Burns, would
serve,
after silence had been obtained,you would
the Rev. Dr. [or Bishop] Robinson
say, "Will
say
would
then, if j'ou are dead sure
quotation
j'our
follow
grace,
diners would
be
to
with
not
pushing
your
have
the
sat
grace
grace?" And
not
spoil the
sentiment, quickly enough so that the
down, and j'et not so quicklyas to seem
little practicewill make
aside
a
you
"
expert.
Control
be light
Singing: During the dinner there may
music or chorus singing,and if you are the local song leader you
will do the leading. Commonly, song sheets with numbered
songs
the tables,
scattered among
and the diners with rivalrydo the
are
selecting table outshoutingtable. Catch the fun at the top moment
the
number
and 3'Ourself
don't
let the
announce
winning
fun run
wild, but help it along and direct it with a word of jestor
the
"
"
Have
repartee.
he is
to
them
to
with the leader of the orchestra that
it understood
Be boss!
and keep the
play only what you announce.
control which
at the beginning 3'ou compelled
3'ou gained when
"
Compacting
that head
"
to
someone
An
silence.
audience
waiter
No!
"
toastmaster.
may
thousand
The
have
waiters
gone
at
last
"
don't
Is the hall
toward
large? Then at once
quest
rethe head table,in order both
be easier and
that
no
one
may
miss
is said.
And
Begin:
a
firm
Keep your eye on those coffee cups
have forgotten. Don't
hesitate to send
him.
remind
part of what
You
a
the Audience:
begin until they have gone.
the banquetersto move
that the speaker'stask may
any
admires
now
times, no.
you
start.
You
are
But
not
toastmaster
to
make
and
a
not
speech.
speech-
job is to be the connecting link between the
speakersand the audience,and, as I said before,to fix the atmosmaker.
Your
sole
87
sparks of Laughter
phere,and keep it fixed. That's all : doing it,however, with all
the grace of personality,
and play of wit or seriousness,
be
as
may
required,that you can command.
First,a few words of welcome
and of compliment to guests and members.
Next, a few words
about the object and character of your
organization,that your
"
be informed.
guests may
abont the purpose
and
would
two
be
a
Then
few
a
words, if needed
of the dinner.
volume.
Learn
Five
or
minutes
what
letter-perfect
is
priate,
appro-
ample,
you
intend
don't fumble, don't stumble,don't hesitate,
and don't read
from a wretched littlepieceof paper.
and
Speak it out like a man
All right? Well, then,begin your introductions.
a toastmaster!
to say
"
If the
speaker is
an
outsider,jou
for his eminence
the
and
the introduction.
powers,
avoids
whatever
or
should
have
learned the
reason
extent
of his
Just a
brief presentment
of his virtues or
famous
in modest language,that
made
him
reputation
"
and
have
orized
mem-
"
world-bursting
superlatives.Two
minutes
is enough.
And
for heaven's
he's
your
on
sake don't say, "We
have with us to-night!" Now
his feet and is receiving
his welcoming hand clap. Stay on
feet and
lead the
If he is
name.
to
one
clapping as
whom
soon
should
risingwelcome, and
their feet by a raisingof
they'll
come.
your hands
the audience
as
you
be accorded
have
uttered
the honor
his
of
a
slow, pull them to
a
eyebrows
slightmotion of
your
If he is one
to be received with cheers,
be the cheer leader. And
then keep on
standing until he has
turned to say, "Mr.
Toastmaster," at which you bow and take
is
second
a
and
"
your
seat.
// Only One Speaker: While he is speaking,listen. You will
drift that will suggest a jest,or a
a
probably catch a sentence
or
of a
serious anecdote, or the recitation of a verse, or the utterance
Give his
follow-up and clinchingsentiment,after he has ended.
audience
before you
thank him
a
chance
rise.
to
Then
applaud him
say
and
the say which
in behalf of your
give him
"curtain
his address has
calls"
inspired,
ing
organizationand its guests for havof his eloquent
honored your banquet table,speaking appreciation
if
there
learned
whatnot
address.
others,
no
Then,
or
are
or
thank your guests for having graced your banquet tables with their
of the press for their most
thank the representatives
presence,
service to your organization,
and bid
friendlyand long-continued
all "Good
Night!" Books of poeticalquotationswill supply an
appropriateverse.
If Other Speakers: If you have member speakers,you will have
prepared your introductions carefully for this one a humorous
"
88
How
I
Funny
a
that you do not know
part of the instrument
assume
any
that you
Tell
to
earnestlydesire
to
how,
and
Story
that you
have
veloped
de-
not
for story telling. I assume
and
develop this facultyor power,
also
that,
be
being reasonable, you
a
a
day must
w^eeks or months, to practice just as you would
given, for some
be obliged to do in acquiring facility
in any other easilyacquired
I do not mean,
of course,
that you need to defer the beginart.
ning
of j'our story-telling
for several months, but merely that to become
and persistentpraca
thoroughly capable jester,methodical
tice
will agree
that
few
minutes
"
Let
is necessary.
first take the easier part of the work
us
The
Gather
Fund:
a
Easier
the
From
start
"
Part
be
the watch
on
for
good brief
bits of
laughter,in magazines and newspapers.
Clip them, and file
them alphabetically,
according to the subject. Also be a watchful
don't trust memand write down, at the earliest moment
listener,
ory
will
usable
files.
and
it
each
in
You
too
long
put
story,
your
thus create
stock,that will contain something for every
a valuable
"
"
occasion.
pocket, bearing the first or a suggestional
find yourself in a company,
line of several stories,and when
you
in
whose
entertainment
likely to be a
are
public or private,
you
refresh your
by glancingat your memoranda.
participant,
memory
Do
this,and you will not later regret not having told some
story
that had a specialrelish.
Carry
a
card
in your
Memorize
Memorize:
stories.
your
them
Get
letter
down
a
laugh by hesitating,
perfect. Don't spoil your chance to earn
the
trippingly
stumbling, recalling,apologizing. Let
story come
the
Tell
i
n
mirror.
stories to
the tongue.
Face 3fourself
on
your
in the mirror.
the man
completely and then you
Satisfy him
confidentlyexpect to satisfya larger audience.
may
"
"
If the story is without dialogue,you will
But if it has dialogue,j^ou
voice alone, of course.
Voice:
three voices
other
a
tenor
least
in
two
voice ;
or
one
of them
the other
may
need
the voice of
an
a
man's
old man's
man
ing,
quaver-
in his
the
prime;
other
one
a
boys' voices;
such
each
voice
to
speaker
a
as
belongs
give
the character you are depicting. If you employ only your own
both
woman's.
to
at
use
(your own), and a different voice for
of them a bass and the
the dialogue. Give one
toothless voice, and
or
must
natural
your
the narrator's
"
each of the
use
be
may
You
or
must
90
a
and
sparks of Laughter
the individual
and you cannot
produce monotony,
create
color that varietyof voice permits. That is obvious.
voice,you
But
Face:
the voice is only
of
part
a
You
story-telling.
must
such facial
of whom
expressionsas would be used by the man
the
the face be; if of
words are angry, so must
telling. If
you are
show it; if
respond; if of joy, the face must
grief,the face must
use
of
disdain, derision,truculence, dissemblance
the
"
face
match.
Tell the story to its man.
Again the mirror.
Then
take it out
him.
again and again,until you satisfy
Gesture
also gesture
and
Nor
posture
"
shoulders; posture,
arms,
Some
An
talk with
be
must
WATCH
! when
the
to
go
that you
What
to
lie in
or
in
see
out
others require one
is apt to
Hebrew
livelydarky. And
Watch
as
so
you
watch
"
soon
as
"
sible
pos-
practiceuntil he tells you
and
somebody else.
on
kind of
in
story shall you tell? Humor
in the
words, or in the incident,
or
play upon
in
action,or
;
respects.
"character,"and then
a
What
a
a
posture
voluble
these
in the mirror
man
try
Tell:
may
stories may
dialect and
also
you
nor
is also the
entirety,as
mimic
a
it
gesture, the action of fingers,hands,
generally,the body's action of attitude.
excited Frenchman
his
Tell
and try it.
face all. There
are
voice and
are
requireneither gesture
stories
both.
or
Posture:
and
should
a
combination
a
of these elements.
Assume
in its use.
that,althoughyou enjoy dialect,
facility
you have yet no
with
of
words
incident
or
Choose, then, a story
playon
; and stick
to
"
that kind until you have developedease with dialect.
The
who
dialect has a rich talent.
Dialect:
use
man
can
Nearly all of us are
to the Hebrew,
Which
miss
as
and
the
opportunityto
can
you
what
you
over
same
reach your
have heard.
are,
will be able
two
have
to
The
the
Hebrew?
listen to
than
more
another
to
Scotch, or the Canuck.
All right. Then
never
Hebrew.
a
mirror, use
Do
and
three
as
soon
your
it over
And, I repeat,
as
soon
of
power
and
at
as
and
you
"rollingthe r"
roll
one
as
dialect down
your
card game.
take on at
or
Irish,or
shoulders
of
Practice
mirror.
and
dialect
one
mimicry to copy
over
again,and listen over
subject,but to several ; at
again and not to only one
time noting,and copying before your mirror, the t"^pical
motions
Scotchmen
or
the
to
"
Hebrew
you
or
favorite?
is jour
an
attracted
long as
"
Scotch?
arms.
try it
difficultat
can
those of
pat, try it out
on
the
Go
at
soon
you
When
that littleluncheon
If it goes, as it probably will,keep on
time another dialect. Soon you
the same
command.
91
in the
man
but
first,
Harry Lauder.
where
practicing,
will have
Sparks of Laughter
Choose
to
Your
Time:
How
tell. The
tell a story comprisesalso when
isobtained by using such a story as the
to
greatest success
of
tlie
conversation,or the address,or the character of the
subject
occasion,naturallyeduces,for the minds of .your hearers are already
receptiveto it. Don't
jar with an ill-timed jesta serious moment.
The Banquet Table:
Suppose you are at a banquet table and
called upon
without warning to speak on a subjectof which
are
little. Self-deprecation
would
be appropriate,and, if
know
you
much
the greater your
did indeed speak to the purpose,
so
you
because
audience
credit with your
modestly. For
j'ou began so
example: "Mr. Toastmaster and gentlemen, I am only so slightly
familiar with the subjectunder discussion that I fear anything I
who
recentlywas
a
might say would remind 5'ou of the man
lice-cour
poprisoner" and then tell the police court
stuttering
bar
called
the
A
of
New
York
to
a
was
prisoner
recently
story:
name?
Prisoner:
Prisoner, your
police court.
Judge:
F-f-f-f-f-f. Judge
(angrily): Officer,what is this man
charged
an'
I do be thinkin' he
with?
Officer:
Beggora, your Honor,
Toastniaster
and gentleOr: "Mr.
is charged with sody watter.
men,
dark
of
the
that
I am
has
subject
obligedto plead
ignorance
been so ably analyzed and illumined,and if I should attempt
to
add to what has been said I should as certainlyfail to set up an
with this audience as did the young
lady who
contact
intelligent
for the first time in her life was
seated, at a dinner,next to so
high a dignitaryas a bishop" and go on with the bishop-pyjama
for the first time seated next
A young
to
an
lady was
story:
brain
wouldn't
work
elderlybishop at a banquet table. And her
and her tongue was
paralyzed. Each minute the silence became
reached,and as she
more
embarrassing. At length the fruit was
"Are
fond of
she asked:
passed him the bananas
you
very
he thought she
The dear old man
bananas?"
was
a trifledeaf and
he answered:
said "pyjamas." And
"My dear young
lady,since
I must
ask me
frankly confess that I much prefer the oldyou
for twistinga story
These
fashioned nightshirt."
are
suggestions
tion.
will
The power
to adapt
need.
quicklyrespond to cultivato your
"
"
You
OF
have
noticed that
Laughter
blown
at
"
a
are
aimed
feminine
"Mr.
at
the finer
audience
of the stories in Sparks
sex.
be
But
like ball from
Toastmaster, and ladies and
of the ladies makes
will every
quite a number
it certain that
guiltyof engraving on
92
no
a
they shouldn't be
cannon.
tion:
Sugges-
gentlemen:
member
the marble
The
ence
pres-
of this association
memento
of his
Sparks of Laughter
better half the sentiment
tombstone
which
of his lamented
Proctor; she catched
stay, she had
to
go
one
a
'Here
"
cold and
a
praise God
"
Vermont
farmer
lies
wouldn't
from
carved
the
wife, Samanthy
our
She
doctor.
all
whom
on
couldn't
flow."
blessings
Stories of what
preciousimps of children said to discomfit their
was
acceptableat a
parents
present always are
company
"Ladies' Night"
of Rotary Club, PublicityClub, or other organization.
The mothers are thinking,
while the stories are being
littlesaints and their speechesand antics,and
told,of their own
they like to hear of the pranks of other mothers' angels. Suggestion:
"I am
glad that this occasion has been made more
bright
the
Our youngsters are tucked
lightthat lies in woman's
by
eyes.
in their beds, and inothers and fathers together are
enjoying the
pleasuresof this occasion. But, ah, those youngsters of ours!
What
Then
tell two
three of the child
don't they do to us!"
or
stories which you will find in Sparks
Laughter
of
saving for
when
"
"
the last the
one
believe
you
be best.
to
ways
Stutteringstories and hare-lipstories are alenjoyed if told well. The stutteringshould be accompanied
by facial contortions. Be careful in this,however: don't drag the
audience will grow
out too long
stuttering
impatient; yet be
your
In
deliberative enough to give them the full flavor of the stutter.
that )'our enunciation
is clear
tellinga hare-lipstory be sure
enough, though clouded by the simulated deformity,to give your
hearers the sense
of what you are
saying,else you will fail they
Don't
Overdo:
"
"
be made to hear the point of the story.
must
One emphatic "Don't!"
"That Reminds
Me" :
sorry,
soggy
death
class of humor
lady"
"
or
and
"Much
One
to
sentence,
Don't
In
Save
your
phrase than
a
or
"As
in the
other word
any
point
much
too
by
any
anecdote.
a
grins or
jest,that is
of the dear old
case
tell your
run
to
in
story.
kinds of
two
use
at
the end
of
a
ness.
lightena
pronounced soberof this brief form
it casually,
use
or
to
too
"
chuckles,and don't
act
as
if you
"fall apart in chunks."
best effort for a laughter-compelling
story
audience
to
other
"
publicaddress it is well
illustrate a
be satisfiedwith
your
a
is the line-or-two
make
that
conversation, or the address, or
"Something
story, glide into it thus:
like Bill"
then without
:
use
minds
re-
The
murders.
Discriminate
jests.
by
who
men
remarks,suggest
own
like Bill"
and
gin
be-
ever
in public or in private,by saying,"That
story, whether
of a story."More
me
good stories have been done
a
your
Don't
pected
ex-
to
Rehearse
it
and weigh
carefully,
93
and
"
a
plete
com-
polish its
Sparks of Laughter
Then, when
parts.
You
will tell
than
the
tell it,note
its effect upon
the audience.
stories that, to your surprise,
will yield more
you
some
the
expected laugh
one
"
point where
humor
no
had
been
will break
audience
to
apparent
in
The
you.
at
a
time
next
tell the story in public,be prepared to let your
hearers have
you
their laugh at that spot. Then
give them the climax,and you will
get doubled
or
not
ence
this,however:
a sizeable audilaughter. Remember
than
little
is
is more
of
three
a
likelyto laugh easily
group
and
the
that
two
so
same
four,
publiclypulls
laughs may
story
in private gain more
than one.
A
"
All the time have this in mind, so that you will not
likes and dislikes in your story-telling:
3'our own
Caution:
be narrowed
Tastes
to
"
in humor
there
There
differ.
are
as
different
many
in
tastes
food, clothes,jewelry, perfumery, music,
and
climate, and men
politics,
painting,cards, books, sermons,
Your
task is to pleasethe average,
and you
and children.
women
the fence and mingle
therefore forgetyourself,and get over
must
humor
as
in
are
their eyes, think with
with
the crowd, that you may
see
minds, and use their varied humor.
with
Study Sparks
Laughter
of
don't
"
it is full of usable material for every
unlocked to your command"
after you
ingenuityin
imaginationand
your
Memorize
Summary:
Suit the voice
the mirror.
accord
with
will lie "all
long enough practiced
twisting the stories
Tell
them
to
to
j^our
the
the story.
Make
of gesture and
command
voices
or
Obtain
the voice.
have
stories.
your
merely read it just once
occasion,which
"
their
to
use.
in
man
the face
posture.
with the kind of a story you are at present
Begin your story-telling
Tell the rightstory at the righttime.
Gather a
able to tell well.
genuity
and force your infund of stories. Study Sparks
of
Laughter,
In brief,
to adapt the stories to actual or
imaginary'needs.
i
nto
learning of this
desire,work, persistence
your
put as much
art
as
your
abilitiesor
is strong
hardj that you
enough
deficiencies require. And
to
arouse
attain the
may
will
your
utmost
compel
to
if your
now,
you
read with
success,
to
care
sire
de-
grind
the
following:
If You
will need
You
an
Have
Your
Face:
it.
left.
Face
Lift your
Probablyyou
Grit
expressiveface and a varied voice, among
that is, with the
will begin with the face
things. We
brows, the eyes, and the mouth.
other
the
your
We
mirror
rightbrow
cannot
"
"
up
do it.
94
and
and
Take
must
break
open
your
face.
fore
first always practicebedown, without moving the
at
your
fingerand push that
sparks of Laughter
brow
and
up
After
and without.
with
the finger. Alternate
try it without
few days you will find that you have
the brow
and soon
practice,
up your
Now
down.
a
control.
Keep
gained some
Then
attack the left brow, and give it the same
will obey you.
brows
raise the two
Next
long as is necessary.
as
treatment,
and then
times as you wish
slowly at first,
as
alterjiately,
many
rapidl3^ Various emotions use the brows in expressingthemselves.
"
You
and
must
Open the
eyes
far
as
them.
subdue
can
you
as
Imagine
can.
you
you
struck with
are
horror
wider and stillwider open
them, until a broad circle of
until you
white shows all around the pupils. Almost close the lids,
"
at
norm.al and
it day
narrow
you
the
you
moment
can
wide,
open
the
the mouth.
so
Stretch the
on.
between
cheek
and
as
it until the muscles
rapidlyalternate
Then
same.
and
Do
and
far
as
tire.
one
eye
Keep
at
nately
alter-
narrow
do it. A
days,will show
few
Stretch the rightside of the mouth
with
keep
Alternate.
narrow,
yourselfto
comm.and
probablyonly a
and
Now
the lids of the other.
by day until
most,
at
lids."
through the "narrowed
barely see
can
weeks
few
response.
gratifying
a
3'ou can,
Treat
in
a
line
the left side
right-left,
right-left,
right-left,
to point
obliquely,
it,day by day, until you can do
"
rightside of the mouth
Keep
ear.
at
Then
alternate rapeasily. Left side of the mouth the same.
idly.
Pull the right corner
of the mouth
down
"down
in the
mouth"
expression. Master it. Then tackle the left and master.
Then
alternate rapidly. Smile
Now
both corners
down
at once.
broaden
break
wide
into a whole-souled
to a grin;
pleasantly
;
open
"Ha!
Shrink to the grin,narrow
ha! ha!"
to the smile,go back
Do this repeatedly. Wife laughing at you and asking
to normal.
that's one
of the thingswives
if you
are
crazy? Of course!
it
"
"
for!
are
These
muscles
fairlyobedient. We will therefore take
Imagine you are expressinghorror. Brows up, eyes
another step.
mouth
staringopen,
Now
lip,one or
weeping: Brows
"
drawn
brightbut
assume
upon.
You
it both with
a
wrinkled, eyes
You
staring,mouth
are
and
little narrowed,
both sides,drawn
down.
not
of emotions
Do
"
upper
mouth
open.
sneering: Eyes
are
you
now
are
from
up
a
bit
joyful:
"
Go
open.
without
nose
Brows
turned
the teeth.
narrowed,
up,
mirror.
You
are
of the
corners
eyes
up,
wide
through the whole
and
range
each until you could instantly
on
practicing
way,
when
its expressionno
where
called
matter
or
these expressions every man
know
does
or, at least,
in the
sam^e
"
95
"
Sparks of Laughter
his mirror will
be
reveal them.
soon
Practice
and
faithfully,
will
you
surprisedat how
short a time was
required to make you a
this
will
master.
practice
give you a more
expressive
face in ordinaryconversation,
in business or in social converse,
and
if 5'ou are a speaker it will add to your power
to convince.
Voice:
You
have a varied voice.
I don't mean
must
that you
Further:
need
to go
to
"
teacher of elocution.
a
Not
at
all.
You
school
must
that your tone of voice expresses the emotion you
to assure
yourself,
The
unsuccessful storyteller's
oral expressionis
are
depicting.
because
he
tells
all
his
stories
in practically
the same
monotonous,
of
thus
fails
make
the
and
of
them.
If
the story
to
tone
voice,
most
has a sneer
in it,put into your
voice the sneeriest tone you can
imagine; if it has fury, choke with fury; if a wheedle, "wheedle
like the devil,"as old Crookback
Gloster said. Color of tone!
COLOR
Again
OF
shall you
is necessary.
How
get it?
mirror!
Having chosen your story, get it down pat,
in its place,so that you can tell it without hesitation or
your
word
every
TONE!
self-correction.
him!
at
the
in the mirror.
man
respond! Tell him
have satisfied him, then you
Watch
when
look
Then
you
him
and
over
it
again;
over
"try it on
may
Tell
the
to
and
dog"
"
the occasion offers. And
that is,tell it among
friends when
your
after you have told it,don't act as if you are beggingyour hearers
for a laugh,or are fearful that they won't laugh just tell it. If
"
will
"goes,"why, then, you
it
Watch
for the
next
favorable
know
have
you
opportunity,and
made
try it
a
on
start.
another
dog.
Finally:
Break
various emotions.
you
a
to
few
Practice
a
on
the
dog.
day, and
every
watch
tell stories,
begin to
to tell them.
opportunities
"George, tell us that story
for
Master
man
the
of the
expressions
in the mirror
until he tells
dialect.
and practice
Observe
the
try it on
minutes
face.
your
open
day, in mirror
to
opportunities
It will
be
exercise.
tell more,
long until
Above
When
and
all,
you
make
will
hear,
you told the other day at the Club," or,
occasional toastmaster, until your
reputationwill
if you
are
an
have been enhanced
not
you
The
will be in stillgreater demand.
a
man
sought after in
to tell a story is profitable it makes
power
i
n
civic
other
and
organizations,and
business, in social circles,
and
you
"
from obscurityand thrusts him into
again and again it takes a man
the public eye because of the pleasurehe gives at meetings and
banquets and similar occasions. I have told you how to acquire
but whether or not dollars and power
this power
shall result depends altogether
yourself.
upon
"
96
and satisfaction
UC
SOUTHERN
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