Social'and'Emotional'Intelligence:'What'Is'It'and'How'to' Foster'It'With'Children'' With!Mary!Boncher,!PTA!Psychologist,!Debbie!Fuchs,!Peer!Mediator!Coach! ! I.'What'is'Social'and'Emotional'Intelligence?' A. The!Project!in!Excellence!in!Social!and!Emotional!Literacy!(2003)!uses! the!following!definition.! 1.!SelfKawareness!–!the!ability!to!recognize!and!understand!one’s!! moods,!emotions,!and!drives,!as!well!as!their!effect!on!others.! ! ! 2.!SelfKmanagement:!the!ability!to!control!or!redirect!disruptive!! impulses!and!moods!as!well!as!the!propensity!to!suspend!! judgment!and!to!think!before!acting! 3.!SelfKmotivation:!using!your!emotions!in!the!service!of!a!goal,!staying!! hopeful!despite!setbacks.! ! ! 4.!Empathy:!the!ability!to!understand!the!emotional!makeup!of!other!! people!and!the!skill!to!treat!them!according!to!their!emotional!! reactions! 5.!Handling!relationships!/social!skills:!ability!to!find!common!ground!! and!build!rapport! ' II.'Why'Is'Social'and'Emotional'Intelligence'Important?' A. IQ!contributes!only!about!20!percent!to!the!factors!that!determine!life! success.! 1.!Leaves!80!percent!to!other!factors! B. Multiple!forms!of!intelligence! 1. Theory!of!intelligence!that!came!to!dominate!in!the!U.S.!was! developed!about!100!years!ago!and!was!used!to!help!sort!!some! two!million!American!enlistees!in!WWI.! a. Verbal!intelligence! b. MathematicalKlogical!intelligence! 2. Howard!Gardner!of!Harvard!School!of!Education!has!posed!that! there!are!multiple!forms!of!intelligence!including!the!traditional! two!but!also!including!at!least! a. Spatial!Capacity! b. Kinesthetic! c. Musical! d. Interpersonal! e. IntraKpsychic! 3. Emotional!intelligence!overlaps!with!the!domains!of!Interpersonal! and!intraKpsychic!intelligences! C. Social!and!Emotional!Intelligence!is!important!because!it!fosters!a!good! relationship!with!self!and!others.! 1. Self!awareness,!management!of!ones!emotions,!the!ability!to!self! motivate!even!in!the!face!of!adversity,!empathy,!and!handling! relationships!set!conditions!for!success! ! 1! 2. The!measurement!of!social!and!emotional!intelligence!is!still! developing!and!there!is!still!limited!research!on!how!much!it! contributes!to!success.!!! D. Many!schools,!such!as!Lower!Lab,!recognize!the!importance!of!Social!and! Emotional!Intelligence!and!finding!ways!to!work!it!into!the!school!day.!At! LL,!we!have!Student!Council,!SEL!programs!like!Peer!Mediation!and! Morning!Greeters/Classroom!Monitors,!Stop!and!Think!as!a!behavioral! tool,!SEL!quotes,!suggestion!box!and!workshops!such!as!this!one!that!help! parents!and!students!work!on!these!important!skills!! ! ' ' ' IV.'How'to'Foster'SEL'with'Children'at'Home' ! A.!Help!your!child!be!self@aware,!have!an!accurate!assessment!of!his/her! internal!states,!preferences,!resources!–!strengths!and!weaknesses,!intuitions! by:! 1. Teaching!child!to!recognize!and!name!own!emotions!and!those!of! others! a. Use!an!affective!vocabulary!with!and!around!your!children.!! b. Be!emotionally!empathic! c. Do!fun!activities!that!focus!on!the!development!of!an! affective!language! i. Make!list!of!feeling!words!and!practice!using!them! ii. Read!books!that!are!specifically!about!feelings:! “How!Are!You!Peeling”,!“Verdi”! iii. Read!books!and!discuss!the!affective!state!of!the! characters.! 2. Helping!children!learn!to!identify!physical!characteristics!of! feelings!in!self!and!others!through:! a. Comments!such!as!“It!seems!like!you!are!mad!from!the! expression!on!your!face”!or!“Doesn’t!Sheila!seem!joyful! skipping!down!the!street”!help!children!identify!physical! and!behavioral!manifestations!of!different!feelings! b. There!are!many!fun!activities!that!one!can!also!do! i. Make!feeling!faces! ii. Play!feelings!charades! iii. Discuss!apparent!feeling!states!of!characters!in! literature!from!physical!and!other!descriptions,!e.g.! read!and!discuss!“A!Bad!Case!of!Stripes”! 3. Foster!understanding!of!the!reasons!and!circumstances!for! feelings! a. Have!discussions!about!how!you!are!feeling!and!why.! b. Read!books!and!discuss!the!relationship!between! experiences!and!feelings!such!as!“Today!I!Feel!Silly!and! Other!Moods!that!Make!My!Day”!! c. Discuss!triggers!for!different!feelings! ! 2! ! d. Talk!about!the!importance!of!feelings!and!the!information! they!give!us! 4.!Teach!child!to!recognize!the!difference!between!feelings!and!actions! 5.!Teach!child!to!accurately!identify!their!beliefs!and!values! B.!!A!person!who!can!control'their'emotions!(has!affect!regulation!skills)!is! able!to!manage!internal!states,!impulses,!and!resources;!tolerate!frustration! and!appropriately!express!anger,!and!handle!stress.! 1.!Teaching!affect!regulation!starts!when!the!child!is!very!young!and! the!caregiver!provides!soothing!and!encourages!and!teaches!selfK soothing! 2.!Part!of!being!able!to!manage!emotions!is!understanding!that!a! feeling!can!progressively!intensify.!! a.!Use!feeling!words!to!describe!the!progress!of!degree!or! intensity!of!a!feeling!! i.!Upset,!mad,!angry,!rage! b. Talk!about!the!progression!and!what!happens!that!feelings! move!along!the!progression! 3. Teach!that!there!are!ways!to!intervene!in!the!progression!and!to! get!yourself!out!of!bad!moods.! a.!Read!“When!Sophie!Gets!Angry!–!Really,!Really!Angry”!! i.!Discuss!what!happens,!how!Sophie!feels!and!how!she! calms!herself!down.! ii.!Discuss!what!else!Sophie!could!have!done!to!calm! herself!down.! 4. Brainstorm!ways!to!get!yourself!or!someone!else!out!of!the!bad! mood.!! a. Make!list!of!ideas! b. Agree!to!try!them!over!the!day/week! c. Check!back!on!how!the!ideas!worked.! 5. Teach!and!practice!relaxation!techniques! 6. Recognize!that!feelings!can!change!and!that!feelings!often!change! when!thoughts!change! a. Work!on!observing!feelings,!journaling!about!them,! watching!their!progression!and!changes.! b. Create!feeling!timelines!for!characters!in!books!with!events! that!happen!that!contribute!to!changes!in!feelings! c. Teach!how!to!challenge!negative!thoughts!based!on!the! accuracy!or!usefulness!of!the!negative!thought.! d. Read!“Tar!Baby”!and!talk!about!the!power!of!mind!over! feeling!states.! e. Look!for!and!use!teachable!moments.! 7. Develop!alternative!way!of!appropriately!expressing!feelings! a. Writing! b. Art! c. Assertiveness! ! 3! i. Read!“Matthew!and!Tilly”!and!discuss!how!both! characters!used!you!statements!and!the!problems! this!caused.! ii. Talk!about!and!practice!I!messages! ! ! C.!A!person!who!is!self@motivated!is!able!to!use!his/her!emotions!in!the! service!of!a!goal! ! 1.!Teach!and!practice!setting!up!personal!goals!! a.!Develop!a!shortKterm!family!goal!with!steps!and!a!time!line!! i. Identify!what!you!want!! ii. Make!a!detailed!plan! iii. Identify!external!and!internal!obstacles!to!achieving! the!goal.!! iv. Visualize!yourself!achieving!your!goal! v. Follow!your!plan! vi. At!end!of!week!assess!goal,!achievement,!and! process!include!discussion!of!emotional!reactions!to! tasks!and!how!you!dealt!with!these.! 2.!Teach!that!to!accomplish!goals!you!will!at!times!have!to!take!charge! of!your!emotions!and!turn!negative!feelings!into!positive!ones.!! a.!Discuss!and!support!the!role!of!creativity,!optimism,!and! commitment!in!selfKdirected!behavior! b.!Read!“The!Gardener”!and!discuss! c.!Set!another!shortKterm!goal!with!tasks!required!to! ! accomplish!the!goal!and!potential!internal!and!external! ! obstacles!alone!the!way!–!include!emotional!obstacles!! i. Journal!about!working!to!achieve!the!goal! ii. What!emotions!were!experienced!around! different!tasks?!! iii. How!you!deal!with!the!emotions?! iv. !In!what!ways!did!you!succeed,!in!which!ways! did!you!not!do!as!well?! v. Make!a!list!of!what!you!would!do!differently.! 3.!Uses!setbacks!to!learn! 4.!Recognize!that!long!term!goals!take!planning,!patience,!multiple! steps,!and!concentrated!energies! a.!Talk!about!the!difference!between!short!and!long!term!goals! listing!examples!of!each.! b.!Child!or!family!sets!a!long!term!goal!–!(Ideas:!!a!garden,! changing!a!family!dynamic!like!put!ups!versus!put!downs,! planning!a!vacation)! i.!Describe!the!vision! ii.!Begin!to!develop!the!plan!! iii.!Divide!the!plan!into!stages! iv.!Figure!out!the!tasks!for!each!stage.!! v.!Undertake!the!plan! ! 4! ! vi.!Evaluating!progress!and!process!along!the!way! including!emotions!that!come!up!and!have!to!be!dealt! with.!! 5.!Knowing!when!to!make!changes!in!your!plan!or!even!your!goal.! D. An!empathic'person!is!aware!of!the!feelings,!desires,!needs!and!concerns! of!others,!can!step!into!another!person’s!shoes,!is!able!to!take!another! person’s!perspective,!is!effective!at!listening!to!others! 1. Research!shows!that!the!capacity!for!empathy!starts!in!infancy!and! is!built!from!early!life!experiences.! 2. The!preKrequisite!of!understanding!another’s!perspective!is! understanding!one’s!own!perspective! a. This!skill!should!be!built!first! b. Prior!exercises,!on!selfKawareness!and!selfKmotivation! should!have!helped!with!the!development!of!this!skill.!! 3. Perspective!taking! a. Use!a!piece!of!literature,!a!movie,!or!real!life!situation!to! explore!perspectives.! i. Ask!first!about!child’s!thoughts!feelings,!values! /perspective!on!the!situation! ii. Discuss!the!different!perspectives!of!the!people! involved.! 1. Thoughts!and!feelings! 2. Values! 3. Behaviors! 4. Perspective! iii. Talk!about!the!importance!of!perspective!taking!to!! 1. Understanding!what!is!going!on! 2. Relationships! b. Play!agree/unsure/disagree!games! i. Talk!about!learning!perspective!taking!by! understanding!that!people!have!different!points!of! view.!! ii. Make!statements!about!things!or!situations!that!can! be!discussed!in!the!family!with!people!indicating!if! they!agree,!are!not!sure,!or!disagree!and!why! iii. These!can!be!simple!like!my!favorite!ice!cream!is! vanilla!to!more!complex!like!is!it!wrong!if!you!drop!a! gum!wrapper!and!don’t!pick!it!up?.! iv. Talk!about!how!different!people!have!different! perspectives.! c. Read!“Hey,!Little!Ant”!–!K!or!Little!Mouse’s!Painting”!2K3! and!discuss!perspectives!describing!what!each!of!the! characters!was!feeling!and!thinking!and!how!that!effected! their!behaviors.!! 4. Listening!for!other!person’s!thoughts!and!feelings.! ! 5! a. Listening!and!observing!are!two!key!factors!in!being!able!to! figure!out!some!one!else’s!perspective.!! i. Play!detective!listening!to!figure!out!what!another! persons!is!thinking!or!feeling.! 1. Consider!what!is!being!said! 2. Tone!of!voice! 3. Speed!of!verbalization! 4. Facial!expression! 5. Body!posture! 6. Body!gestures! 5. Show!that!you!understand!another!person’s!perspective.! a. Talk!about!ways!that!you!show!another!person!that!you! understand!their!perspective!! i. This!could!be!in!relation!to!characters!in!a!book,!a! situation!that!happened!with!a!friend!or!in!the!home! ii. Include! 1. Asking! 2. Making!a!statement!about!what!you!think!the! other!person!thinks!or!feels! 3. Nodding!your!head! 4. Saying!so! 6. Talk!about!empathy!–!! a. What!is!it?! i. More!than!just!understanding!the!other!person! ii. Caring!and!having!the!desire!to!help! iii. Experiencing!emotions!that!match!the!other! person’s! b. What!does!it!look!like?! i. A!hug! ii. A!touch! iii. A!genuine!smile! iv. A!nodding!head! c. What!does!it!sound!like! i. “I!understand!how!you!feel”! ii. “Ya!ha,!…ummm.”! d. What!does!it!feel!like! i. Feeling!some!of!what!the!other!person!is!feelings! ii. A!strong!connection! ! E.!!A!person!with!keen'social'skills!is!able!to!analyze!and!understand! relationships,!resolve!conflicts!and!negotiate!disagreements,!be!assertive,! share!and!be!helpful.! 1.!Discuss!possible!outcomes!to!conflict!winKwin,!winKlose,!loseKwin,! loseKlose! a.!Look!at!various!conflicts!–!within!literature,!tv!programs,! family!situations.!Read!“The!Zax”! ! 6! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1.!Talk!about!how!winKwin!is!usually!the!best!outcome! 2.!The!way!you!handle!conflict!impacts!outcome! 3.!Recognizing!the!different!points!of!view!in!a!conflict! helps!one!handle!them!differently! 4.!work!on!how!ones!states!their!point!of!view!while! keeping!other’s!feelings!in!mind.! 2.!!Teach!that!behaviors!have!consequences!and!that!behaviors!impact!! other!people!and!thus!have!consequences!on!relationships.! a.!Use!a!situation!from!child’s!experience!with!a!friend!or!in!the! home.!! b.!Map!out!behaviors!and!consequences!in!terms!of!thoughts,! feelings!behaviors! 3.!Review!of!assertiveness!“I!statement”! a.!!!!Assertive,!aggressive,!and!passive!behaviors! b.!Standing!up!for!self!K!eye!contact,!body!posture,!projecting!! confidence! c. Making!I!statements! i. When!this!happened! ii. I!felt! iii. I!thought! iv. I!would!like! 4.!Making!and!keeping!friends! ! a.!making!friends!! ! ! talk!to!people! ! ! ask!to!join!in!a!game! ! ! be!a!good!listener! ! ! be!friendly!and!say!hi! ! ! smile! ! ! be!kind! ! ! share! ! b.!Keeping!friends! ! ! respect,!trust,!accept! ! ! care!and!be!interested!in!that!person! ! ! forgive!mistakes!! ! ! allow!space! ! ! listen! ! ! give!and!accept!feedback!kindly! ! ! stick!with!the!person!during!hard!times! ! ! be!and!have!fun! ! 7! ' REFERENCES! ' BarKOn,!R.!(1999)!Emotional!and!social!intelligence:!Insights!from!the!Emotional!! Quotient!Inventory.!In!R.!BarKOn!&!J.!D.!A.!Parker!(Eds.),!The$handbook$of$$ emotional$intelligence:$Theory,$development,$assessment,$and$application$at$ home,$school,$and$in$the$workplace,!(pp.!363K388).!San!Francisco,!CA:!JosseyK Bass,!Inc.$ Goleman,!D.!(1995).!Emotional!Intelligence:!What!it!can!matter!more!than!IQ.!! Bantan!Books:!NY! Mayer,!J.,!Caruso,!D.,!&!Salovey,!P.!(2000).!Emotional!intelligence!meets!traditional!! standards!for!an!intelligence.!Intelligence,$27,!267K298.! ! Saarni,!C.!(1997).!Emotional!competence!and!selfKregulation!in!childhood.!In!P.!! Salovey!&!D.!Sluyter!(Eds.),!Emotional$development$and$emotional$intelligence:$ Educational$implications!(pp.!35K66).!New!York:!Basic!Books.! Schachter,!R.!(2011).!Can!kindness!be!taught.!Instructor!winter!pp!59K63.! Tobin,!J.!(2003).!Project!EXSE:!Excellence!in!social!and!emotional!literacy!(revised).!! New!York!City!Board!of!Education!Community!School!District!Two! Wings!Social!and!Emotional!Learning!Kit!! ! www.edutopia.org! ! ! ! 8!