Conflict Resolution Module 1 The Four Agreements This Conflict Resolution information series, made possible through a grant by the Kansas Supreme Court Office of Judicial Administration, is presented by the Self-Help Network Center for Community Support and Research at Wichita State University. Self-Help Network is a Wichita State University center that helps strengthen communities and organizations by providing facilitation, research, and information. SHN supports a variety of community efforts, creating and sustaining positive community change by ensuring that all Kansans have a voice and share their talents and experiences to create thriving, supportive communities. Introduction to the Four Agreements* OBJECTIVE At the end of this introduction, you will be able to: • List the four agreements THE ROLE OF AGREEMENTS IN DEVELOPING OUR REALITY We store information through agreement. When we believe something is true, it becomes an agreement between us and the world. As soon as we agree, we believe it. This cycle leads us to develop rules or “laws” that govern what we see as true. We come to base our judgments and decisions on these agreements and laws. When we, ourselves or others, break our “laws” we experience the negative aspects of conflict or drama. IMAGE OF PERFECTION We also develop an “image of perfection” or “dream world” based on how we think things “ought to be” to fit our rules or laws. This image can lead us to reject things that don’t fit into our dream world, even leading us to reject ourselves when we don’t fit into our own rules. In order to be “good enough,” we form “rules of perfection” for ourselves and others. Unfortunately these rules can lead to conflict when we or others break our rules and don’t fit into our image. Have you ever found yourself saying “If only…?” When you ask “If only…?” you are describing your image and rules of perfection. For example “If only she would pay her debt to me.” “If only he had told the truth.” DRAMA Do you feel your life is sometimes full of drama when things don’t measure up to your standards or when you are in conflict? The purpose of conflict resolution is to reduce drama in your life. “Drama” is the pain and conflict created in our lives when things don’t measure up to our image of perfection and laws. A NEW DREAM One effective way to reduce conflict and drama is to adopt “The Four Agreements” and break old agreements that are based on fear and cause us to feel powerless. We will explore The Four Agreements in this conflict resolution module. THE FOUR AGREEMENTS Be impeccable with your word Don’t take anything personally Don’t make assumptions Always do your best 2 *This set of tools is adapted from The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, Amber-Allen Publishing, San Rafael Publishing, California. The Four Agreements is available at www.amberallen.com, or at any local or online bookstore. 3 Agreement One: Be impeccable with your word OBJECTIVES At the end of this lesson, you will be able to: • • Describe what it means to be impeccable with your word Practice being impeccable with your word BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD To be impeccable with your word means to: Speak with integrity Say only what you mean Avoid using words to speak against yourself Avoid using words to speak against others Use the power of your word for truth and encouragement OUR WORD Our ability to use words sets us apart as humans, but this ability is also a two-edged sword. Words can create and words can destroy. When we misuse our words, we can create major problems, but using our words impeccably heals and empowers others. GOSSIP Not only does gossip destroy others, but it is also produces conflict and creates drama. Gossip works like a computer virus. Once it is introduced, your thoughts become mixed up and you stop producing good results. With gossip, one little piece of information can break down other communication. Gossip infects everyone it touches. With a computer virus, we have safety precautions that tell us “Don’t open this file” because once you do, it’s too late. When we gossip, we act like hackers who intentionally spread a virus to destroy how others think and to cause drama. BEING POSITIVE AND TRUTHFUL Keep in mind that your opinion is just your point of view and not necessarily true. Remember, your opinion comes from your own dream world, your own beliefs and “rules.” When you speak well of people and yourself, and when you stop yourself from demanding everyone live by your rules, you feel good and at peace with yourself. Use your words to speak truth and to encourage yourself and others. 4 ACTIVITY The Telephone Line Sit in a circle and have one person start a “rumor” by whispering a one sentence statement to the person to his or her left. The statement should be something that is simple like, “Did you know that Lance Armstrong recently won his sixth Tour de France?” Once you whisper the statement to the next person you cannot repeat the statement. Send the statement around the circle one person at a time and have the last person say what they heard out loud. Questions for discussion: • • • Did the statement change? If the statement changed, how could confusion have been avoided? What would you have done to make sure you understood the statement? 5 Agreement Two: Don’t take anything personally OBJECTIVE At the end of this instruction, you will be able to: • • Describe what “Don’t take anything personally” means to you Practice not “taking anything personally” DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY Nothing other people do or say is because of you. What people do or say is a result of their own dream world. When we take things personally, we feel offended and react by defending ourselves, creating drama. It is important to understand that people may give compliments or criticism, but what they say is about them and how they feel at that moment and about their own needs. What they say is not just about you. When we avoid taking words personally, we take away the power other people try to have over us. We become immune to manipulation. If you refuse to take things personally, even if someone is trying to draw you into their dream world and is being critical, you can remain peaceful. SETTING LIMITS When someone asks you to do something, listen intently and repeat what the person is asking. Don’t take the request personally even if it is presented with criticism or with a compliment. You can simply ask, “You would like to…” or “You want me to…” to clarify the person’s request. Be sure to clarify if you correctly understand what someone is communicating to you. Set limits by being impeccable with your word. Use your words to speak truth and to encourage yourself and others. There are several techniques that can help: Use “I” statements. Don’t put yourself down. Don’t use excuses or blame others. Offer any possible alternatives. 6 ACTIVITY Use this role playing scenario to practice not taking anything personally and to set limits. As a consumer leader, you are asked to sit on a state level policy-making committee. You attend several meetings where you are warmly greeted but your input is not asked for. In fact, you believe your opinion is being ignored by the chair and other members of the committee. You are beginning to feel like a “token consumer.” This is made worse by the fact that you seem to be the only consumer on the committee. When you ask about this you find that there are two other consumer appointees that don’t attend very often. When you talk to them, they don’t share your concern about consumers being ignored. How might you address this situation? Remember: Use “I” statements to explain how you feel. Don’t put yourself down. Don’t use excuses or blame others. Explain possible alternatives. 7 Agreement Three: Don’t make assumptions OBJECTIVE At the end of this instruction, you will be able to: • • • List ways to avoid making assumptions Understand the “ABCs” of emotions Identify ways to calm an angry person INTERNAL ASSUMPTIONS The ABC’s of emotion tell us about how and why we make internal assumptions. First, there is an Activating event that helps us set up an assumption. Then, we establish a Belief system. This belief may be either rational (based upon observable, factual data) or irrational (not based upon facts). Finally, we develop a Consequential emotion that is triggered by our belief. It is important to recognize when an irrational belief could be beneficially changed to a rational one. ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT CONFLICT We tend to make assumptions about conflict, namely that all conflict is bad and should be avoided. However, while some might view conflict as a contest to win and something to avoid, conflict is often times a good way to explore other points of view and to discover opportunities to grow. DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS We create drama by making assumptions, by taking it personally, and by gossiping about our assumptions. We perpetuate this by not asking for clarification, defending our assumptions, and trying to make someone else wrong based on our assumptions. To avoid making assumptions, it is important to gather more facts about the situation and about our own beliefs. It is also important to gain knowledge about the facts, about how others perceive the situation, and about your own beliefs. CALMING AN ANGRY PERSON To calm an angry person you can: Listen Stop talking and give your attention Acknowledge feelings Seek additional information Don’t assume Restate your understanding of the problem State areas where there is agreement Brainstorm a “preferred future” Identify all the possible solutions Agree on next steps “Listening is the greatest gift one person can give to another. It is often the key to facing and resolving conflict.” Joyce Herman President of Joyce Herman Consulting Rochester, New York 8 ACTIVITY Use this role playing scenario to practice addressing conflict. You are the executive director of a consumer run organization (CRO). The same people clean up every week at the CRO. There are 30 members at some activities yet only two or three help. Recently, these volunteers have been complaining and taking things into their own hands. The other day one of the volunteers shouted at a member who was not helping. The member yelled back that he was not paid to clean up and that the volunteer should “let the staff do it.” How might you address this situation? • • • • • • • What assumptions do you have about this matter? What are some possible explanations for this behavior? Should this conflict be avoided? Why, or why not? What positive outcomes could this conflict have? What’s an appropriate way to discuss this situation? Who should be involved? What are the goals of the discussion? 9 Agreement Four: Always do your best OBJECTIVE At the end of this instruction, you will be able to: • • • Use “your best” to live up to the other three agreements List the techniques used to do your best Identify ways to keep conflict positive YOUR BEST Your best is never going to be the same from one moment to another. Regardless of the quality, keep doing no less than your best. Accept your best and recognize that it feels good to give your best because doing your best feels productive and is not based on expecting a reward. Do your best to live up to the other three agreements: Be impeccable with your word. Don’t take anything personally. Don’t make assumptions. HOW TO DO YOUR BEST Work for “Win/Win” instead of “Win/Lose” results. Since dissatisfaction drives people to change, you should do your best to uncover the dissatisfactions of others. Remember to avoid focusing on the problem, but rather to work toward a solution. Focusing on a problem reduces energy, results in blaming, and leads others to see their resources as limited. Develop a “preferred future.” Ask what it would look like “If we got it right…” Set rules for brainstorming. Good rules for brainstorming include: • Don’t judge ideas • Don’t discuss ideas • The more ideas the better • Build on others’ ideas Bring new resources to the table. Set your first steps to explore other’s opinions or implement an agreement. KEEPING CONFLICT POSITIVE Use the following tips to keep conflict positive: Try not to become angry. Don’t let your anger control you. Instead, you should control your anger. Seek to “understand” before you are “understood” Calm your mind Remember The Four Agreements Breathe in slowly through your nose until you fill your lungs – breathe out slowly through your mouth Take a “Time Out” 10 Slowly count to ten Take a short walk “Good” vs. “bad” conflict will be further discussed in Module 2—Good Conflict vs. Bad Conflict. ACTIVITY Use this scenario to practice doing your best and using all four agreements to resolve conflict. You are a member of a CRO and accept part-time employment in a retail store. Since you are new on the job, you want to make a good impression. The first week of employment goes well. Your supervisor even commends you for being a “quick study.” During your second week, something seems to change. Your new medication seems to be slowing you down and you can’t seem to keep all your responsibilities in focus. For the first time, you oversleep and are late to work. You call your supervisor but she seems somewhat displeased. You try very hard but things don’t seem to be going very well at the moment. How might you address this situation? Is this person doing his/her best? If so, is his/her best good enough? Is there a way to rectify the situation? Could there be a “win/win” situation? 11