Creating a party guest list: Do's and don'ts - Chicago Tribune
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Creating a party guest list: Do's and don'ts
When making your guest list, consider your budget and venue -- and don't let anybody bully you. (The Image Bank,
Getty)
By Leslie Mann,
Chicago Tribune
NOVEMBER 11, 2014, 5:25 PM
S
cott Lazerson and his wife, Heidi, throw three parties a year at their Orem, Utah, home — one for the
December holidays and then one for each of their birthdays. They begin their guest lists with
"co-workers, family and friends who are constants in our lives," he said. Then, he added, they invite "people
we love, want to get to know better or would get a kick out of meeting."
Sounds easy? Not for everyone.
In fact, for many hosts, creating a guest list is a chore to be dreaded, whether it's for an intimate dinner party
or a giant wedding. Emotions run high because for many people, "every invitation is a chance to be validated,
and we never get past that," said Jazz Johnson, a frequent host and co-author of the satirical "The Social
Climber's Bible" (Penguin).
Here are some do's and don'ts from experts to help unravel the confusion and ease the angst.
Consider the mix. Choose guests who will get along and may share interests. Etiquette expert Mary
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Creating a party guest list: Do's and don'ts - Chicago Tribune
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Mitchell's column on the website FamilyEducation.com suggests favoring guests who will appreciate your
invitation and make an effort to contribute to the success of the party. That said, writes Mitchell, author of
"The Complete Idiot's Guide to Etiquette," if your party will be a gathering of co-workers talking shop, "the
general rule is to invite only those who can participate and/or enjoy it."
Reconsider reciprocity. Owing invitations to those who have hosted you is obviously something to
consider, but your party doesn't have to be the venue for reciprocation. "If you feel that you must invite people
because of a social obligation, then mix them in with a larger group," writes Adam Lowe, a manners expert on
QuickandDirtyTips.com. "But if you truly do not wish to engage with an individual or couple on a social level,
then it may be more sincere to stop inviting them over."
Paper beats technology. Sending online invitations might be easier and faster, but it can create other sorts
of headaches. Guest-list management was much easier before social media caused "social spheres to extend
exponentially into infinity," said etiquette expert Lisa Gache, CEO of Beverly Hills Manners in Beverly Hills,
Calif. "The safest way to avoid hurt feelings is to go old-school and use paper, rather than electronic
invitations that can be forwarded or posted online."
Consider your budget and venue. Don't go into debt trying to make everybody feel included. And be
realistic about your space. If your dining room comfortably holds 10, don't try to squeeze in 20 for a dinner
party. If your guest wish list is larger than your space, consider hosting a couple of smaller parties, or opt for a
more casual open house.
Don't let others bully you. "If your mother-in-law tells you, 'We always invite all the cousins,' tell her it's
nice she does that," said Nicole Zangara, a Scottsdale, Ariz.-based psychotherapist. This is especially true for
weddings. Do not yield to pressure from your family — or venue — to supersize a guest list, said Danielle
Rothweiler, a Verona, N.J.-based event planner.
Beware the snowball effect. "You don't have to invite everyone who came to your bar mitzvah or
quinceanera to your wedding," said Rothweiler.
Two lists, some controversy. For large events like weddings, some planners recommend using "A" and
"B" lists. Send invitations six to eight weeks ahead to your A list, explained Jodi R.R. Smith, author of "The
Etiquette Book: A Complete Guide to Modern Manners" (Sterling). As regrets roll in, send invites to your B list
four to six weeks ahead.
But others warn this system can cause resentment when any guests learn of their B-list status. Instead,
consider "save-the-date" cards to whittle out-of-towners from your list. "Before they get the invitations, they'll
tell you if none of them is coming or if they're making it a big reunion," said Danielle Couick, a Columbia, Md.,
event planner and spokeswoman for the National Association for Catering and Events.
Give single guests the option of bringing dates if they have romantic partners. Otherwise, Smith
said, you are not obligated. "Just be consistent," she added. "If you give one single the 'and guest' option, give
it to all singles."
The "and guest" question is easy with a corporate event, Smith said. If it is on a weekend, invite spouses and
dates. On a weekday, you need not.
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Creating a party guest list: Do's and don'ts - Chicago Tribune
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Look who's at the door. He is the oxymoron every host fears: the uninvited guest. To prevent
awkwardness, it's best to confront him if you learn ahead of time that your party is on his calendar.
Understand that "electronic invitations have turned the guest list into a riddle," said Gache. And when you
explain that he isn't invited, "treat him with kindness and empathy."
"You can always use the 'work' excuse to convince him not to come: 'Oh, you wouldn't want to come to that;
it's just work (people),'" added Dirk Wittenborn, Johnson's co-author of "The Social Climber's Bible."
And what if he's at your front door when the party is starting? Welcome him with open arms, said the
Lazersons, who have learned to go with the flow. "We've come to the conclusion there are no accidents," Scott
Lazerson said. "There's a reason he showed up."
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