The Pillar ...of our Community Raritan Valley Montessori/The Cherry Blossom Volume VIII Issue 1I The Four Agreements  Do you have difficulty saying what you mean because of discomfort with the way another person might receive it?  Do you go home at night discouraged because of a conflict or misunderstanding with another person during the day?  Do you ever proceed on a project just to find out your initial assumptions were incorrect and you are working on the wrong thing?  Do you always second guess what you did, and feel you could have done better if you weren’t tired, stressed, it was on a different day, with a different person, etc .? Concepts transform your thinking and decision making, actually changing your very being from whom to who you are and what you believe. All of our actions originate from our beliefs, therefore the expression “Change your mind and you will change your life”. Inside this issue: The Four Agreements 1 Montessori Education 2 Lying in Children 3 Fickle Friendships 4 Bullying 5 Power of 100 6 Ways to say “Good for You!” I found the work entitled The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz to be a transforming experience. The author states that this work “provides a simple yet powerful code of conduct for attaining personal freedom and true happiness”. I have been astounded by the power of these simple concepts in influencing my life and freeing me from some of our expectations. The Four Agreements are as follows: 1. Be impeccable with your word; 2. Don’t take anything personally; 3. Don’t make assumptions; and 4. Always do your best. We have all heard these statement a million times before, from our parents, our teachers, our friends and coworkers. We all strive to do this every day, and have so many reasons why it’s not possible this time or in this situation. So why now should there be so much power in these agreements. Fall 2012 Leslie S. Meldrum Head of Schools The author’s definitions of each agreement is transformative in nature and in practice. Instead of these agreements being one more place to fail or to make us feel wrong, they become a source of inspiration, empowerment and freedom. Of course you can read the book on your own, and gain an incredible amount. I find it to be much more energizing and thorough to explore these concepts in the company of others and to share in their journey toward these agreements. Come and join us and find some freedom in your everyday life! The Four Agreements Wednesday, November 7 6:00pm-8:00pm Raritan Valley Montessori 120 Finderne Ave Bridgewater, NJ 08807 The cost of this course per individual is $30. course fee includes  The Four Agreements book  Pizza and beverage Childcare available for extra fee of $10 Montessori Education By Heidi Walters Montessori Initiative One of the many beauties of Montessori is that it provides the student a foundation that evolves into a life-long love of learning. What many parents do not know is that for a teacher, Montessori is a life-long learning experience. Through Professional Development programs and seminars at conferences Montessori teachers are continuously expanding their knowledge, honing best practices and even learning new ways of guiding the students in their classroom. One of the other beauties of Montessori is that it is a dynamic, organic educational philosophy. Montessorians are constantly reviewing new research in all arenas from brain development to behavioral characteristics and discoveries of science so that they can better communicate with their students, their parent community and with one another. What teachers learn in Professional Development sessions and at conference seminars they bring back to the classroom and share with their colleagues. Through the process of sharing, they perfect their understanding of this new knowledge or the new technique and they are able to apply it, always within a Montessori context to the students in their classroom. It is this openness to new information that creates the wonderfully supportive atmosphere in a Montessori classroom, where teachers are guides and observers who recognize that the classroom is a scientific laboratory filled with love for the child and for learning coupled with respect for new information as well as old, proven facts. In the spirit of science, the teachers are constantly blending their new knowledge and skills with the life-time of learning they have acquired as Montessorians. Each day in the classroom the beneficiaries of this knowledge are the students. And as they mature, because of their Montessori experience, they too will be open to learning new information. Equally important, they will be able, like a Montessori teacher, to weigh that information with an open mind and to determine whether it is fact or fancy. And after making that determination, they will know how to blend it into their current mix of acquired knowledge and share it with others. In doing so, they will be doing their part to better themselves and also to help better the world. The goal to better the world by educating the child is an underlying foundation of Montessori. It was a good goal 100 years ago when Dr. Montessori first stated it, and it continues to be a valid goal for today. Every Montessori teacher and every Montessori student is playing their part in helping to achieve that goal. Lying in Children Have you ever listened to your preschooler weave a tall tale or deny something you know to be true? Lying may be difficult for parents to accept, but it is part of growing up. Parents often ask us how they should handle lying situations. It is dependent on the age of the child, the specific situation and the family’s rules. At the preschool age, children are learning and practicing how to separate fantasy from reality. They aren’t necessarily intending to outright deceive you but instead believe that it is their wishes or thoughts that can cause things to happen a certain way. Preschoolers don’t really grasp what truth is yet. Developmental theorist, Jean Piaget tells us that children are close to age seven, elementary age, before they really understand what a lie is and that it is bad. Your preschool child’s lies may stem from: Forgetfulness. Preschoolers have short attention spans as well as short memories. They may not remember taking a friend’s toy. Wishful thinking. Preschool children may wish that something did or did not happen. They may wish that the glass bowl did not break. Active imagination. Creativity is at a peak for this age. Many lies are from active daydreaming. Your child may enjoy telling you an outrageous story about an adventure that occurred on the playground while at school. Did you ever read And to Think I saw it on Mulberry Street by Dr. Seuss? Need for Attention. Your child may feel important when they have your attention and they get a response from you—good or bad. How can you deal with this frustrating behavior? Help your preschooler to sort out reality from wish, or what is in their head. In fact, you could point out their creativity, “That story you made up was very entertaining!” rather than “Stop lying!”. However, don’t get caught up with reinforcing the lie by asking them to repeat the story for grandma. Kindergarteners generally tell two kinds of lies: lies to get something or to avoid something. When you hear your kindergartener telling lies, do not overreact but point out that it is wrong and that it is important to tell the truth. The fable of The Boy Who Cried Wolf or the Chinese fable The Empty Pot (by Demi) are two of my favorite tales to tell that illustrate the impact of lying. Usually, by the time a child enters Elementary, however the knowledge that lying is wrong is fully understood. This age child generally lies to stay out of trouble and avoid punishment, impress their peers, boost their self-esteem or protect others. Children of this age also lie because they may hear their parents or other adults lie. Remember to be a role model as a parent and avoid the common custom of ‘white lies’ being overheard. Handling lying at this age is a bit different. It takes a great deal of time and patience. As soon as you suspect your child has lied, tell him that you suspect that he is lying. Comment, “That doesn’t sound like the By Diane Dodds Director of Admissions & Primary Master Teacher truth. Tell me details.” Try to avoid focusing on the solution and asking leading questions in a disappointed way. Your child will pick up on your tone and on the sound of your voice. Comment, “I know that you did it and I am disappointed that you did it.” Once you have stated the facts, encourage the truth to bring closure to the matter. Avoid the trap of instant forgiveness that causes your child to believe, “I told the truth so I will not get punished or have consequences.” It is important for everyone to note that something has been done and that there is a consequence. Meeting with the Teacher Conferences are scheduled for November 14 & 15. You can use this fall ritual as an opportunity to learn more about what skills your child has revealed as well as what could use your support at home. Conferences help both teachers and parents to gain insight into a student’s ability and progress. I feel my child is doing well in … Come prepared with a few strengths of your child to discuss. By discussing strengths first, it sets the tone for the conversation to be positive, constructive and geared toward solving problems. Perhaps your child has demonstrated qualities in the classroom that you have not seen at home. I feel my child needs work on… Suppress the instinct to defend your child. This is an opportunity to ask what specific steps both you and your child can take at home to make improvements. Younger children may be encouraged to participate in practical life skills oriented toward family responsibility. Older children may make a commitment to have their homework done each day by a specific time or reading a certain number of minutes per day. At school, my child enjoys… It is valuable for your child’s teacher to hear about what has been expressed to you at home. It gives us an idea of your child’s interests. I would like to see my child pursue… This can open up a goal-oriented discussion. Be realisitic and specific but also be flexible and open to Montessori’s “sensitive periods”. Here is what I expect of you and the school… This is an opportunity to share the wishes that you have for your child’s social, emotional and cognitive development. Topics I would like to discuss… Have these written down in advance. Sometimes time constraints may prevent you from discussing all the issues you feel are important. You can always follow-up with a meeting at another date or consider using e-mail to supplement in-person meetings. Nicole Bokat Parents Magazine Fickle Friendships Does your child’s life seem like a soap opera sometimes? Here’s why 5– and 6-year-olds are constantly breaking up and making up. During my son’s first two years in school, it seemed as though he were riding a social seesaw. If I asked, “How was your day” He would frequently sigh and say, “Henry isn’t my friend again.” When I asked why, he’s say matter-of-factly, “He’s friends with Joseph now. They ran races on the playground without me.” He complained all the time about being excluded, so I finally broached the subject with his teacher. She, however, was nonplussed; My son was happy and well liked, she said, and he and Henry were inseparable. Finding good friends makes school much more fun for 5- and 6-yearolds, but their relationships tend to be rocky because they don’t yet realize that it’s normal to disagree sometimes. “When they fight with their friends, it feels catastrophic, “ says psychologist Michael Thompson, Ph.D., coauthor of Mom, They’re Teasing Me (Ballantine, 2002). Another concept that eludes many kids is that friendship, unlike marriage, doesn’t require monogamy. If your child’s closest friend wants to play tag with another classmate one day instead of having that regular soccer game with your child, it seems like a betrayal, notes Eric Buhs, Ph.D., a professor of educational psychology at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. “As kids get older, they learn that if a friend wants to play with someone else on occasion, it’s not a personal rejection.” Children this age may also have trouble interacting with more than one person at a time. If two kids are together and a third comes along, they’ll sometimes reject him—even if that child is a better friend of one of them. “Engaging in cooperative games is challenging for young children’s social skills, and the more kids involved, the more coordination required, “ Dr. Buhs explains. As a result, one friend might lash out at another, saying, “You can’t play with us,” when what he really means is “I can’t handle so many people at once.” All kids will experience some rejection from their peers, but you can help your child take social ups and downs in stride—and maintain lasting friendships.  Arrange playdates. The best way to nurture friendships is to  find time for kids to play one-on-one outside school. Choose kids you think would be compatible with your child—and, ideally, whose parents you like—and invite them over to play. However, if your child insists on getting together only with her best friend, respect her decision. Keep problems in perspective. If your child is fatalistic about the end of a friendship after a rough day, don’t dwell on his despair. Kids rebound quickly. You might offer some comforting words, such as “Remember the last time you fought with Kyle? You thought you’d never be friends again, but then you made up the next day. I bet that will happen tomorrow.”  Tune in. Rather than use the time during your child’s play-  dates for housework, phone calls or preparing dinner, take the opportunity to listen to how she communicates and solves problems during play. Later on, when you’re alone, you can encourage your child to empathize with how her friends might have been feeling. Limit electronics. Your child may have fun playing Nin-  tendo with a friend, but many experts insist that high-tech devices actually isolate children from one another. These include computers, Game Boys, and any video games—as well as TVs. Instead, encourage the kids to choose more imaginative forms of play. Don’t lecture. Listen to your child and try to be compas-  sionate, even if her problems seem trivial. Put a positive spin on the situation by brainstorming a few responses that she could use the next time a friend shuns her. She might simply tell the other child, “ You know, it hurts my feelings when you say you don’t want me to play with you.” Be patient. Now that my son, is 7, his social life seems dramatically different. He usually comes home with only happy stories, and he hasn’t complained once that he doesn’t have friends. But I’m sure that having survived those first social melodramas will serve him well when he has to deal with inevitable rejection in the future. What’s your child’s friendship style? You can’t change your child’s basic temperament, but by accepting his strengths and weaknesses, you can help him navigate friendships. Here are 4 primary styles kids have when it comes to making friends: Ardent: These are the kids for whom the term “best friend” was invented—they adore one another. Their friend is their alter ego. It is a passionate, high risk style that can get your heart broken. Sociable: For most kids, friendship is about companionship. These children just want to be a part of a crowd and don’t yearn for any particular child. The normal ups and downs don’t affect them quite so deeply. Shy: These children want playmates but have trouble reaching out. They cling to their parents as safety nets, especially at the beginning of the school day. Shy kids need a little more help from parents and teachers to form friendships. Awkward: These children have trouble reading social cues and tend to be disruptive when they try to join in. They can be bossy or angry in way that frightens other kids and often need coaching to make friends. Bullying Excerpts taken from INCAF 2004 Most bullies have experienced being bullied by a parent or sibling. Bullying usually increases between the third and seventh grades. Punishing bullies makes them more revengeful and creates even more bullying behavior. It is more helpful and productive for parents & teachers to teach skills to those bullied than to protect them. About 1 in 7 children are a bully or victim of a bully. Boys are more likely to bully than girls, but girls use more subtle and indirect forms such as manipulation, rumors or exclusion. Boys tend to bully both boys and girls, whereas girls usually just bully other girls. Bullies identified by age 8 are six times more likely to be convicted of a crime as a young adult. Adults should resist the temptation to bully the bully. Bullying behavior can be changed if identified and addressed rather than hidden, punished or ignored. Over 70% of bullying is ignored. Bullies usually have a group that gives them strength in number. Most bullies lack self-esteem, using bravado to cover up a deep sense of inadequacy. It takes only one significant and involved adult to prevent or reverse bullying. Kids cite parents as the most important influence in their lives. When your child is being bullied: Listen to their feelings. Be empathetic without rescuing. Affirm and give encouragement when your child handles a situation with courage. Empower your child with new skills and help them develop a plan. Role-playing with your child to prepare him or her for the unexpected can be very helpful. Enroll your child in a sport or activity where strength and confidence grows. Teach your child how to connect with others. Teach your child positive, outgoing body language, e.g., standing tall, holding head up high, making eye contact, etc. A Message from Leslie Meldrum Maria Montessori lived through a Mussolini-lead Italy. There is no coincidence that her works were widely embraced by a bullied people, and even less of a coincidence that they were heard by the free world. Merriam-Webster dictionary defines bullying as treating abusively, or to affect by means of force or coercion. There is no argument that these are properties that do not belong in a productive learning environment. Bullying is often sparked from ignorance or jealously, and can never co-exist with global understanding. This understanding stems from the fact that every religion in the world contains the golden rule. Our children have the incredible opportunity of being brought up in a country that frowns on bullies, and at the same time maintains its status as a super power. However, the only way to ensure the success of this country, is to teach its future leaders this distinction early on. Being the cause, or victim of bullying at a young age can result in detrimental, lasting decisions being made about both social relationships, and power. Continued bullying is a problem for the learning community, other children, but most importantly, the bully. Disrespect or abuse while using force or coercion will result in disciplinary action, a parent-teacher conference, and possibly expulsion (see dismissal procedures pg. 11). However, long before bullying is a disciplinary matter, it is an opportunity, and must be treated as such. Many well-developed children do not even begin to learn empathy until approximately five or six years of age. Most do not comprehend that someone’s feelings can be different than their own until age eight. The opportunity presented by initial bullying will give your child’s educators the chance to put the child in someone else’s shoes, and begin to learn how they would feel if presented with the same actions that they just inflicted. As parents, this subject becomes very painful to us and difficult to see objectively and therefore to work with our children effectively. We have the inclination to react to it as if it were happening to us. We then cannot really see what is happening to our child. As their education in both school and life continues, these lessons become applicable to world history, geography, and science. This enables the child to see that there is no issue too big for them to understand. After all, “If help and salvation are to come, they can only come from the children, for the children are the makers of men.” -MM When your child is bullying: Find out if there are people who may be bullying them and talk to a teacher and/or minimize contact. Find out what the child’s goal is when bullying and if the goal was accomplished. Brainstorm together better ways to achieve that goal. Create areas in the child’s life where he or she can feel powerful in appropriate ways. Model handling your anger in healthy ways. Help your child find appropriate ways to safely express his/her emotions. Teach your child kindness and respectfulness. Carefully monitor television viewing. When your child is a bystander: Teach children to intervene for younger children and set a good example. Encourage acceptance of differences and honoring uniqueness. Let children know how important it is to report abusive behavior to adults. Encourage them to befriend new classmates and invite them into groups so no one is left out. Teach children that speaking up can discourage bullying while their silence can encourage it. Help children understand that they play a role in the safety of playgrounds and classrooms. Raritan Valley Montessori 120 Finderne Ave Bridgewater, NJ 08807 (908) 595-2900 Main Office x201 Leslie S. Meldrum x202 Diane M. Dodds x203 Tina Paccione x204 NArmstrong Rm x208 EDickinson Rm x206 AEarhart Rm x215 RParks Rm x211 MMontessori Rm x207 MLKing Jr. Rm x210 JAudobon Rm x209 rvmontessori.com [email protected] Cherry Blossom Montessori P.O. Box 714 Flagtown, NJ 08821 (908) 369-4436 Main Office x201 Donna Fiumara x202 Dr. Seuss Rm x207 MGandhi Rm x205 JCousteau Rm x206 MotherTeresa Rm x204 AEinstein Rm x203 Michelangelo Rm x203 cbmontessorischool.com [email protected] The Power of 100 What can happen if 100 families donate $100 Imagine the possibilities; the power of our community coming together to further empower us to be more effective in spreading our mission, values and goals. A voluntary tax-deductible donation of $100 means the power to move us forward and to plant the seed for our future expansion and growth. More information to follow in your mailboxes soon. All donations who give $100 or more will be recognized with an engraved leaf on our Power of 100 Tree. Your participation in our annual fund matters! Ways to Say “Good for You !” How did you do that? It got done a lot faster because you helped. Your questions are really thought-provoking. How did you come up with that? That was very thoughtful of you. I appreciate___________. It looks like you put a lot of work into this. What did you enjoy doing best in this project? How does that make you feel? You look proud of yourself. Your politeness is very refreshing! You are a good friend to have. You put a lot of effort into that, didn’t you? You make it fun to be on your team. Teach me how you did that. It must make you feel good that ________. You were very encouraging to _________. That must make you feel warm inside. How does that make your heart feel? You were very assertive! You were certainly listening well. Boy, you put your all into ________, didn’t you? How do you want to celebrate yourself? I am happy for you! Thank you for being patient, listening, helping, etc. Kathryn Kvols Redirecting Children’s Behavior