1. family and parenting
2. children

Some shared ideas on how to live
with young people who lie and steal
This booklet is designed by Carers, Looked After Children and
Adopters, for Carers and Adopters.
Lying and Stealing
Do not lie, do not steal,
THANKS AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Anne Sheppard - Strategic Manager, Emotional Health
Kath Burton, Carole Lomas — Adoption Support
Or you will begin to feel
The full force of the law.
Carol Holt — Workforce Development
The CLASS Team
One white lie will never harm,
ITV Border Television
Or so the sayings say.
But one lie can lead to more,
And in the end you’ll pay.
Stealing is worse still,
Taking something that’s not yours.
Eventually you will pay the bill,
With the execution of the laws.
By Tony Graham
BOOKLET DESIGNED BY:
Pauline Al-Tikriti
Chloe
Rachel Dodsworth
Andrew
Barbara Jones
Tony
Sue Murray
Harry
Annette Noble
Matthew
Janette Solomons
Doreen Varcoe
FEEDBACK
If you like this booklet, let us know!
Also, we are aware that this is just a brief introduction
to the topic of Lying and Stealing.
If you have other ideas, or strategies which
have worked for you, please tell us so we can add
them to the list
We have put this guide together because we know
that lying and stealing are difficult to live with. We
hope that when you have read through this guide you
will take these behaviors less personally and have
more tools to deal with them
LEVELS OF HONESTY
Answer the questions below before you go any further
Have you ever:
Yes
No
1. Helped yourself to food from the fridge?
2. Kept loose change you found around the
house?
3. Exaggerated your work expenses?
4. Kept something you found on the bus or train?
Please contact Barbara or Rachel on:
5. Got away with a mistake in your favour at
the supermarket?
6. Took something out of someone else’s skip?
Barbara Jones, Tel: 07717480822
Email: [email protected]
Rachel Dodsworth, Tel: 07825340410
Email: [email protected]
7. Lied about how much you spend?
8. Said ‘I love you’ and not meant it?
9. Bought something off the back of a lorry?
10. Told white lies (the tooth fairy, Santa,
‘your face will stay like that if the wind
changes’)
Perceptions of honesty and dishonesty vary a great
deal. We cannot assume other peoples’ perceptions of
the truth/untruth are the same as ours. Children
who live with us have received many mixed messages
about right and wrong.
Honesty is individually perceived, it is not
How do you feel about lying and stealing?
References
Do you feel?
Archer C. (1999). Next Steps in Parenting the Child who Hurts.
London Kingsley
Berryman, J. et al (1993). Developmental Psychology and you.
Routledge
Vera Fahlberg (1991). A Child’s Journey Through Placement
Herbert, M. (1991). Clinical Child Psychology. John Wiley &
Sons
Smith, P. and Cowie, H. (1991) 2nd Edition,
Understanding Children’s Development.
Cambridge University Press
Weiner, B. (1995). Judgements of Responsibility, A Foundation
for a Theory of Social Conduct. The Guilford Press.
McLeod, A. (2008). Listening to Children. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Children Looked After Support Service. Lying and
Stealing Information pack (2008).
Barbara Jones 07717 480 822
•
Take care that you keep your word, and that you always mean what
you say. A child with weak connections between cause and effect
must experience great consistency if she is to ‘get’ it.
•
Be prepared to alert friends, teachers, relatives to your child’s difficulties with the truth. It won’t stop the problem but it makes sure it
is dealt with consistently and reinforces the message that
Your child can’t play one adult against another.
•
•
Choose your time and place carefully to begin talking about such
things. You need to be calm and unhurried and your child does not
need distractions, such as a friend waiting to play. However, for an
older child you could ‘go public’ and speak openly in front of their
friends about their activities. Sometimes this can have a dramatic
effect, since an adolescent places enormous value on what their
peers think.
The message to get across is important: you expect honesty, that
you believe your child can achieve this, and that, although you care
greatly about her, you are nobody’s fool. Allowing consequences to
happen naturally, if she lies or steals, should help her realise cause
and effect and give her some practice at conscience building. Long
lectures on right and wrong, or the evils of deceit, are both inappropriate and ineffective here.
•
If you are encountering a complete lack
of remorse, this can be very distressing. You
may feel this indicates your child is in some way
irretrievably evil. However, while this is understandable, it is essential that you keep on reminding yourself that no child is all bad. If the
child behaves in an extreme manner, you can
reassure yourself that there is an equally extreme part of her character which feels blame
and shame intensely.
•
Keep working on the underlying issues which have shaped the child’s
perception of the world, and her distorted responses to it. It may
be useful for a therapist who has a good understanding of dissociation to help you work through some of these difficulties and enable
your child to begin to make sense of her own behaviours”.
Reasons given for lying and stealing
McLeod, 2008
•
To avoid negative consequences
•
To obtain a reward
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To protect their self esteem
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To protect relationships
•
To conform to norms and conventions
?
Carers also identified other reasons:
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Exaggeration to impress their peers
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Their previous life experiences
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Influence of the media (mainly soaps)
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‘They lie to me all the time, so who cares’?
•
‘She’s made me, what can I do to get out of this’?
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‘It’s a secret, they’ll hurt me if I tell’
•
‘I am a mistake’
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‘She’s so stupid, she won’t know anyway’
•
‘I don't remember’
•
Zero tolerance from a young age, so rebel
•
Try to give yourself time to ‘get it together’
before you address an incident of stealing. You may
be lucky and discover items missing while the child is
at school. This would give you time to work through
your inevitable anger and frustration, through unrealistic fantasies of ‘revenge to a point where you can
plan your reasoned response. This puts you back in
healthy charge of a situation where timing can be critical.
Now the
Very briefly, this is how the theory works.
Children learn at an early age the benefits of not telling
the truth. Abused children can have a distorted view of
the world, fuelled by their experiences. They need to
survive the world so they do anything they can to survive
shame or to feel powerful and less vulnerable.
•
If you make a mistake or ‘get it wrong’ use this as an opportunity
to demonstrate that it is not the end of the world to make mistakes, and apologise gracefully.
•
Explore with the child why you think she acted the way she did,
when she did. Share your interpretation with her, with as much
empathy as you can manage. Demonstrating you can be trusted to
deal with things insightfully and fair-mindedly will encourage her
to internalise the concept of trust in you, which will gradually be
reflected in her increasing truthfulness and trustworthiness.
•
Allow the child to make their own mistakes. Introduce the idea
that you have to make mistakes if you are to learn and grow. Mistakes are valuable opportunities to ‘get things wrong and put them
right’. Try to make some all too obvious mistakes yourself, exaggerating your reactions and talking to yourself as you work things
out.
•
When you feel the time is right, invite your child to go to the shop
and make some simple purchases for you. This implies and increasing level of trust and responsibility to which she may rise. Try to
giver her almost the right money, so there is only a small amount of
change and less room for ‘mistakes’. Be pleased if she manages it;
show sadness if she messes up and suggest she needs more
Traumatised children can genuinely believe what they are
saying at that moment! To make deceit easier to bear
they can even learn to disconnect from their feelings.
Stealing can alter a child’s arousal state and they may
‘buzz’.
Neglected children can panic about where their next meal
is coming from, even when they have been with carers for
a long time. They are ‘hardwired’ to ‘steal’ food or hoard
food.
This is common. Remember that abuse and trauma may
have delayed the child’s conscience development and they
may be working at a much younger age.
A fuller explanation can be found at the e-library or by
contacting the CLASS Team. Also check out the references at the end of this booklet.
practice.
•
Make sure you look after yourself, get support, take opportunities
to reward yourself, having things stolen or damaged and being lied
to as if you are an idiot can make a huge dent in your self esteem.
Give yourself treats! You need and deserve to find ways of making
yourself feel better.
‘stolen’ may in turn ‘steal’ and this may help them make sense of
their behaviour.
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Being neglected and abused means being denied opportunities to
feel loved and safe (nurture), with firm, unambiguous boundaries
(structure). Carers need to be the ‘loving safe container’ for the
child. They need to be the child’s external conscience, until she
can trust herself not to take things. Providing reasonable, nonpunitive consequences and ‘being sad for’ the child rather than
‘mad at’ them will demonstrate the characteristics of conscience
that you are trying to model.
Explore what steps you can take to avoid putting temptation in the
child’s way. Use a secure place for your money and jewellery, and
get into the habit of using it at all times. Get a bumbag for a
purse. With practice this will become second nature and will avoid
some of the bad feeling about
the invasion of personal space
etc.
Try being creative and leave
‘Hug cheques’ where you previously left money.
Do not blame yourself or the
child if they take advantage
of
lapses in vigilance on your part, as they inevitably will. Do not expect instant success. Aim for gradual and realistic progress towards increased trust and trustworthiness.
Be careful not to put yourself in a situation where the child never
receives any pocket money because it is all ‘owed’. This could trigger her feelings of emptiness and abandonment and lead to further
stealing. Also she would not be able to practice managing money
well.
Make a list of jobs that can offset items taken and which will also
make you feel better about the unpleasant incidents. If she is unwilling, try saying things like ‘thanks for your help, I know you will
do a good job’, with genuine feeling.
Avoid saying ‘I told you so’. This can turn a valuable learning opportunity into an experience of anger, punishment and rejection.
Chloe’s acrostic and word search
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THINGS TO TRY:
important. I want you to take some time to think about it’. Parents
can then ask the question, and tell the young person that she will
recheck with them in 5 minutes. Since the parent is stressing the importance of not answering
impulsively, the adult needs to ignore anything—
either the truth or a lie—coming from the child
before the set time.
Try to avoid:
X
Harsh punishment will alienate the child further
and encourage them not to get caught. It
won’t encourage the development of morals but
will probably demonstrate to the child the need
to be devious.
X
Long debates trying to prove the child did
some thing wrong is exhausting and probably
•
Shoplifting. ‘We know this is a problem for
you and we are going to have to work together to
make it easier for you not to be tempted to take
things’. Always ask to see the receipt of items
brought home.
unproductive.
X
In view of the child’s impulsive habit of denying things in an attempt
to avoid getting into trouble, try putting the emphasis on thinking
before answering e.g. ‘I need to ask you about something. It is
Protecting children from the consequences of
lying and stealing may encourage them to think
they are above the law, the rules of home,
school etc.
•
Children need an allowance to spend on
things they want. Older children need opportunities to earn money so that they can purchase
things for which they are willing to work”
Try this:
‘According to Caroline Archer’ (with kind permission)
√
•
“Try to focus on the emotional age of the child;
a teenager may be stuck in aspects if a two or
four year old development emotionally.
•
Try leaving messages for her to find when
you are not around, to remind her that you
have her in mind, try ‘Hug I.O.Us’ or
treats/sweets. Do not worry about being
over indulgent.
•
Try to reinforce the message that it is
never a child’s fault when they are mistreated, and that no child
deserves to be treated badly, try to clarify that it is OK to feel
how he/she feels, but not OK to hurt herself or others as a result.
•
Gently re-tell his/her lifestory to clarify his/her muddles. Let
them know you understand that a child who feels they have been
√
Get the right tone of voice. Shouting or anger
will hook the child into fear or rage. Calm
discussion will encourage the use of the frontal
lobe (part of the brain that inhibits impulse).
The most useful type of discipline conducive to
moral development involves pointing out the
effects of behaviour giving reasons and
explanations.
√
Turn away and remove eye contact. By changing
your body language you will demonstrate disapproval. This may work to reduce the lying and
stealing behaviour but on its own will not con-
Lying and Stealing—’According to Vera Fahlberg’
‘”he most common obstacle to conscience development in a family setting is the parents’ notion that
they have to be able to trust the child before they
can really nurture him or her. This is the opposite of
the truth. The child must first learn to trust that
adults care enough to protect him or her from making serious mistakes; enough to provide adequate supervision even when it is not easy to do so. The child
needs to learn to trust that the adults’ limit-setting
will be out of consideration for the needs of the
child, not because the adult needs to be in control of
everything. The child needs to know that the parent will stick up for
the child when he or she needs adult support”
tribute to the development of morals/
consciousness/guilt etc. It may lead to the child
becoming more devious about not getting caught.
√
Use expressions such as ‘I feel really sad that you
took that money, that was a poor choice’. This will
emphasise to the child that he does have the ability
to choose or can develop it.
√
Develop strong ties of affection between you and
the child. Hugs for doing the right thing, positive
messages for any behaviour you like.
√
be clear about the firm moral demands you make of
the child, be specific, use clear, age appropriate
Some suggestions—’According to Vera Fahlberg’
•
•
•
“How do you know when your child is lying? Focus on the positive aspects of the child’s body language telling the truth, even
though the mouth may be having difficulty in this area.
Make expectations clear. Ask, ‘Is your room tidy?’ rather than
‘Did you tidy your room?’ The latter could have been truthfully
answered ‘Yes’ if the child has ever tidied his or her room. It
has nothing to do with its present state. Be aware of the likelihood of concrete thinking such as this.
Give logical consequences for dishonesty, e.g. working to repay
stolen money makes more sense than being grounded for a week.
It teaches an alternative way for the child to get his or her
needs met.
•
Parents and teachers need to stay in frequent contact. If the
child has been returning home with other people’s items in his or
her pockets, s/he could be rewarded or praised whenever s/he
returns with empty pockets.
•
Be specific, achievable goals, e.g. ‘I’m not going to lie to my parents today’ is a realistic goal, which is likely to be achievable,
enabling the young person to build self esteem. ‘I’ll never do it
again’ is a very weighty promise.
language to say what you expect of your child.
Check that they understand what you are saying.
√
Be consistent with your sanctions.
√
Use intensive reasoning and explanation. Start at
their level (which is probably lower than you think).
√
Use visual clues such as: pictures, TV programmes,
magazine stories.
√
Give responsibility to the child and reward good
performance.
√
Help the child develop empathy, again using visual
aids, pictures, dolls etc.
√
‘
Initiate discussion of moral issues, for example say
what should I do about..’,‘ what would you do
if…’, ‘How do you think that person is feeling
now…’.
√
Refrain from using the words ‘liar’ or ‘thief’. Try
‘my child has a problem distinguishing fantasy from
reality’.
√
√
In relation to sanctions imposed by school or
Model appropriate problem solving skills. ‘I
police, think carefully about your role here. It is
believe that you probably did it, and I’m asking
you to make good the loss. If I am wrong I will
understandable to want to protect but what would
be the long-term effect of this?
apologise’,
√
Keep a list of jobs the child can do to make
amends.
√
Keep your word. Do what you say.
√
Be prepared to have to alert your friends to your
child’s problems. It won’t feel nice to do but it
may prevent the behaviour happening elsewhere
and it gives the child the message that you won’t
tolerate lying or stealing.
√
Choose sensible times and places to challenge children about their behaviour. Be calm as anger
may trigger a stress response in the child. They
will not be receptive to anything you say and will
not be able to reason. Sometimes when you have
both/all had time to reflect, it is easier to deal
with the situation.
√
Convey that you expect honesty and that you feel
the child can achieve this and you will help.
√
Use natural consequences, teach about cause and
effect. Children normally learn this from babyhood
during play and interaction, but your child may not
have done this, so you may have to go right back
to basics depending on the age and stage of
child/ren. E.g. what happens when you freeze
water, knock tower down, go out in the rain etc.
√
Consider how you would handle unfounded allegations
against you before they happen.
AND FINALLY
Think about yourself, and use advice in safe caring to
protect yourself.