1. sports
2. football

september – october 2009
Newsstand Price CDN $4.95
KURT
WARNER
PUTS
FIRST
THINGS
FIRST
LIFE ON THE EDGE
Men seek extreme
satisfaction
contents
september – october, 2009
on the cover
14
Champion survives setbacks and success
Super Bowl quarterback Kurt Warner talks about God and family,
football and money.
features
Publisher: Brian Koldyk
Managing Editor: Doug Koop
Pulse Editor: Robert White
advertising account executives:
WILLIAM LEIGHTON: [email protected]
DARRELL FRIESEN: [email protected]
JIM HICKS: [email protected]
Unless otherwise indicated, neither
ChristianWeek nor Promise Keepers Canada
guarantee, warrant, or endorse any product,
program, or service advertised.
going to extremes
20 Ironman Pastor
Meet Tim Doherty, a competitive triathlete committed to
coaching disciples of Jesus.
editorial advisory board
22 Extreme Ministry
Thrill seekers find ultimate challenge in hard core ministry.
KIRK GILES: Promise Keepers Canada
JEFF STEARNS: Promise Keepers Canada
PHIL WAGLER: Kingsfield Zurich MC
SANDRA REIMER: Reimer Reason Communications
DOUG KOOP: ChristianWeek
24 Extreme Preaching
Seeker insensitive Mark Driscoll
XXXman Craig Gross
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ISSN 1916-8403
columns
departments
5 PK Podium
Turn your world upside down
8-11 Pulse
Curious events. Interesting
people. Good ideas.
6 Help Wanted
Sons. Sports. Songs.
13
12 Guest Column
Jethro Says
Cover Photo:
Courtesy of Arizona Cardinals
Reviews
28 – 29 Power Play
Tools. Toys. Technology.
26 Money Matters
How to buy a car
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204-424 Logan Avenue
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27 Out of My Depth
Experience the ultimate Extreme
Phone: (204) 982-2060
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30 What Women Want
Have you kissed your wife today?
[email protected]
[email protected]
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seven is a Christian magazine for
Canadian men that exists to help
men lead more fulfilling lives and
leave enduring legacies.
The name reflects the seven
promises that form the basis of
the Promise Keepers organization,
which works with churches to
minister to men across Canada.
one – A Promise Keeper is
committed to honouring Jesus
Christ through worship, prayer,
and obedience to God's word in
the power of the Holy Spirit.
four – A Promise Keeper is
committed to building strong
marriages and families through
love, protection, and biblical
values.
six – A Promise Keeper is
committed to reaching beyond
any racial and denominational
barriers to demonstrate the power
of biblical unity.
two – A Promise Keeper is
committed to pursuing vital
relationships with a few other
men, understanding that he
needs brothers to help him keep
his promises.
five – A Promise Keeper is
committed to supporting the
mission of the church by
honouring and praying for his
pastor, and by actively giving his
time and resources.
seven – A Promise Keeper is
committed to influencing his
world, being obedient
to the Great Commandment
(see Mark 12:30-31) and the Great
Commission (see Matt 28:19-20).
three – A Promise Keeper is
committed to practising spiritual,
moral, ethical, and sexual purity.
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 3
PK Podium
Turn your world upside down
Jesus is the most extreme man ever
by Kirk Giles
What is the most extreme thing you
have ever done? I would likely answer
that question by thinking about the time
I tried skiing down the bunny slope on
Mt. Hemlock in British Columbia. I was in
Grade 6 and tore the cartilage in my
knee. It was a painful experience, but the
attention I got from all the girls for the
next few weeks was well worth the pain.
Most men I know seem really intrigued
by those who are more extreme, but not
enough to be extreme themselves.
We watch from a distance for the
adrenaline rush of seeing another guy
hurt himself. Seriously, do you watch
NASCAR to see 30 cars turn left for
four hours or for another reason?
Here is the problem: Our inaction
will often carry over into our spiritual
lives as well. As men, many of you will
read the articles in this edition of
SEVEN and think to yourself that these
men are doing crazy and amazing
things in the name of Jesus. Yet, I
wonder if the attraction to these and
other stories that can be told is only
at a surface level and reflects
a glad-it-is-not-me
attitude that many
of us carry.
Acts 17
includes a
story about
Paul and
Silas
causing a stir
when they
visited
Thessalonica.
They made
such an
impression
that nonChristian
leaders
in that city looked at the people in this
early Church and said “these are the ones
turning the world upside down” (Acts
17:6).
There are many faithful men
throughout the world today who are doing
their part to serve Jesus. The impact these
men are having through the power of the
Holy Spirit is profound. It can truly be said
that the world is being turned upside
down as the truth of Jesus and His way
of living collides with the standards and
priorities of the world. When this
happens, the Way of Jesus reveals itself
to be superior to the broken way of the
world, and men are drawn to Him.
At Promise Keepers Canada, we are
praying for and serving towards a day
when there will be a movement of men
who are becoming, growing and living as
disciples of Jesus. We are not talking
about tame men who simply go through
the motions of Christianity, but true
followers of Jesus who are searching
every day to do what He said in the way
He said to do it.
Are you ready to step up? Here is one
practical way you can allow God to begin
to shape you into a man who is extreme
and serious about following Jesus. Take
some time to just sit and study the words
of Jesus—and then actually do what He
says. In many Bibles, these are found in
words written with red ink. Spend time
allowing the Master to teach you. Allow
Him to reveal needed changes in your life.
And then, make those changes.
You will never experience a more
extreme man than Jesus Christ. He’ll turn
your world upside down.
Kirk Giles is president of Promise Keepers
Canada. He and Shannon have been
married for 15 years. They are the
parents of four children, ages 6-13.
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 5
Help wanted
Sons. Sports. Songs.
by Rod Wilson
I like computers, movies and books. My
son is eight and loves sports and
extreme everything. Sooner or later he
will figure out I don’t know what I am
doing or talking about in those areas.
Should I keep trying to stumble through
or just let him go with friends’ dads?
You are off to a good start with this
question. Do not underestimate the
importance of being able to identify
what you like and what your son likes.
There are many dads who have no clue
what appeals to their children and little
appreciation for their interests.
These days there is a lot of pressure on
parents to be expert on every subject.
We believe we need to understand and
be conversant in every area that appeals
to our children. But that is almost
impossible. Why not turn it around and
see your son as the teacher? Have him
bring you to games, watch sports on TV
with him and ask lots of questions. You
might even want to bring him to some
games with another dad and his son.
This strategy will not only help you
become more competent in this area,
it will also give your son the message
that what interests him, interests you.
While it is not as easy to reverse the
process and expect your eight-year-old
to show interest in computers, movies
and books, you could be on the lookout
for ways to connect your passions with
his. What about sports movies? Or books
on sports? What about computer games
that have a sports emphasis?
Finally, we need to recognize the
developmental stages children go
through. While your son is eight and into
sports and extreme everything now, by
18 his passions may change. At that point
you may be submitting a very different
kind of question and pining for the day
when sports was a “problem!”
My wife tells me I spend too much time
on sports. I still play hockey and
baseball with buddies in local leagues
and I love watching anything on TV. How
can I make her see that playing sports is
a good thing? It keeps me in shape and I
don’t complain about her hobbies.
Those of us who have been married for
any length of time know that “making our
spouse see” anything is usually filled with
danger. Most of us are quite resistant
when someone else is trying to convince
us that we are wrong.
Why is your wife telling you that you
are spending too much time on sports?
Often comments about how we are
spending our time are really focused on
what we are not spending our time on—
like our spouse. Is it possible your wife
is missing you? Might she be expressing
a desire to be with you rather than making
a comment on sports?
A hobby, by definition, is something
we do in our spare time. Usually this
means that the rest of our time is
committed to work, family and other
relationships. When those around us
observe that our hobbies have become
an obsession, they are telling us that
we are using all of our spare time in one
area and neglecting other aspects of life.
Is sports really a hobby for you or is it an
obsession? The former is acceptable;
the latter is a problem.
Most couples who struggle in these
areas need to respect each other’s
hobbies and spare time activities and
negotiate how much time is going to
be spent in these areas, while agreeing
there are things they will do together.
Simultaneously we need to remember
that being married is no guarantee our
own passions will be fully understood
by our spouse.
I like the people at church, but it is
usually really boring and I am not that
excited about singing. Some of the songs
seem like mushy love songs, and who
can sing that high? Do I just grin and
bear it or try to change things?
Your experience in church is not
unusual, especially for men. A lot of us
battle boredom and the singing part is a
real problem. I suppose you could “grin
and bear it,” but it does not sound like
you do a lot of grinning in the church.
Lots of people in church would like
to “change things” but the reality is that
often we need to change ourselves.
We have lived our lives with such a
commitment to novelty and innovation
that we are incapable of entering into
anything, like church, where some
things are the same every week.
We come to church with expectations
so centered around our needs and
preferences that we spend our time
ignoring God or the common good and
get totally preoccupied with ourselves.
We are not coming to church to worship
but to critique.
On the other hand, churches that are
static and immoveable create an
environment where God’s people are
bored for good reason. Churches that
sing music that is not rooted in theology
and Scripture with God at the centre
move toward an excessive emphasis on
emotion and feeling so at times it does
feel mushy. Worship leaders that do
“7-11 music” (7 lines sung 11 times) blur
their personal devotion with genuine
leadership and tend to alienate men.
When the body of Christ comes together
and genuine excitement is missing it is a
slap in the face to the God who made us.
You are right when you say change is
needed. We need to pray for the ability to
see whether the change needs to come
from our attitudes and actions or from the
leadership of our churches. My hunch is
that it is a combination of the two.
Could you use some help? Don’t shy away
from asking. Send your questions to
[email protected].
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 6
pulse
Curiousities. Personalities.
Ideas. Information.
by Robert White PULSE Editor
TEENS LIKE FACE-TO-FACE CONVOS
Today’s teens seem to spend hours
talking on cellphones, texting each other,
Facebooking and chatting on the Internet.
But they’d prefer to talk to each other
face-to-face.
Earlier this year, a survey released at
the Going Barefoot II Conference in
Winnipeg, gave the facts about how
teens and youth talk to each other.
Kitchener’s Barefoot Creative surveyed
1,200 high school and college students,
80 per cent of whom said they go to
church. When asked how they preferred
to communicate with their friends, those
surveyed said face-to-face (65 per cent—
all of the time, 18 per cent—often).
“The days when they’re only on the
computer aren’t here yet,” says Barefoot
Creative’s Gayle Goosen, a conference
keynote speaker. “They really prefer to
spend time with friends face-to-face.”
When youth aren’t getting together,
they still use a number different ways to
connect:
media
always
often
Facebook
24%
25%
Phone
20%
30%
Cell phone
18%
20%
Text messaging
19%
15%
“We saw they were listening to the
radio, watching TV, going to movies,
talking online, using their phones and
cell phones and going to Facebook,” says
Goosen. “Their ideal is to have a fairly
large computer screen to watch TV, listen
to the radio, chat, update Facebook and
Twitter all at the same time.”
Among the social networking sites
used, Facebook came out ahead of
MSN Messenger, MySpace or Twitter.
Facebook collapses a number of these
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 8
functions into one site. “On Facebook
they can write to friends, they can chat,
they can talk face-to-face, they can do
everything on that one site,” says
Goosen.
The survey also explored other
aspects of youth culture:
Favourite TV shows—The Office,
Grey’s Anatomy and The Simpsons
Favourite movies—The Dark Knight,
the Lord of the Rings trilogy and
A Walk to Remember
Favourite authors—J.K. Rowling, J.R.R.
Tolkien and C.S. Lewis.
“We’ve all been talking about how
different youth are that go to church than
youth who don’t. This study really gives
us those trends,” says Goosen—noting
the trends are identical.
For details on the U@?Communicating
with Teens and Young People survey
contact Gayle Goosen at
[email protected] or check
www.barefootcreative.com.
EVANGELICALS VERSUS TV NEWS
Evangelical Christians often complain
the mainstream media isn’t fair to them.
Take, for example, the 2000 federal
election. During a national newscast,
Liberal campaign strategist Warren
Kinsella pulled out a Barney
the Dinosaur doll and mocked
Alliance Party Leader Stockwell Day’s
view on creationism.
Through a Lens Darkly:
How the news media perceive and
portray evangelicals, by Wilfrid Laurier
journalism professor David Haskell,
both proves and disproves this theory.
A former TV reporter and practicing
Christian, Haskell has the academic,
media and faith background to write
about the topic.
While written for academics, Through
a Lens Darkly reads like your morning
newspaper. Haskell starts by showing
who and what “evangelical Christians”
are. He then describes the “frame
analysis” research method used. This is
the only place where the book bogs
down. But Haskell says unless you really
need to know how the research was
done, you can skip it and head straight
to the results.
Haskell focused on Canada’s three
TV networks—CBC, CTV and Global. He
found evangelicals were, overall, given
neutral coverage. This “suggests
Canada’s national television journalists
strive to provide coverage that is
balanced,” he writes. Only when he looks
at each network’s coverage does this
change. Both CTV and Global stayed
balanced, while the CBC showed
evangelicals more negatively, failing to
stay “balanced overall.”
While this is good news, Haskell says
“when evangelicals’ beliefs and values
directly contradict their own most heartfelt convictions, journalists find it difficult
to play the role of dispassionate, neutral
observer.”
These negative frames, which show
evangelicals as intolerant, criminallyminded and unCanadian, may make
more of an impact on viewers than
the “significant, yet thematically
disparate, collection of positive and
balanced frames,” says Haskell.
Evangelicals probably can’t change
the way the media covers them. But
Haskell says they can change the way
they present themselves to the media.
And the best way, he says, is to
personally reflect Jesus in all they do.
“If those who believe in the risen
Christ, en masse, began practicing the
active compassion, deep humility,
unconditional forgiveness, and antimaterialism that Jesus calls them to, it
would prove so powerful and compelling
to today’s world that how the media
chose to depict them would no longer
matter,” he writes.
PARENTS PREFER “GOOD”
TO “GODLY”
Some Christian parents don’t think
passing on their faith in God to their
children is a sign of how successfully
they’ve raised their family. A recent
LifeWay Christian Resources study
found the most common definitions
of successful parenting were:
Children having good values and
becoming happy adults – 25 per cent
each; finding success in life – 22 per
cent; being a good person – 19 per cent
LifeWay surveyed 1,200 American
parents, who had children under 18 at
home. Only nine per cent said faith in
God was a measure of success. And just
24 per cent of parents who attend weekly
religious services thought faith in God
was an identifying mark of parental
success.
“We’re seeing an ever-widening gulf in
American believers between private faith
and a faith that’s passed on,” says Scott
McConnell, with LifeWay Research.
“Instead, we too often see an emphasis
on guiding children to a social morality
and toward an as-yet-undefined ‘happy’
life.”
NEW DVD BRIDGES GAP WITH GAYS
Want to bridge the gap between
yourself and your gay neighbour or
co-worker? Take a look at Bridging the
Gap: Conversations on befriending
our gay neighbours, a new DVD by
New Direction Ministries.
“We want to answer the question:
‘how do I really share my faith without
(either) offending my gay neighbour (or)
compromising my faith,” says executive
director Wendy Gritter. “It’s about the
average, everyday follower of Jesus
knowing how to
share their faith and
be the presence of
Jesus to their gay
colleague at work,
their gay neighbour
down the street, the
gay parent of a child
who’s a classmate of
their child in public
school.”
The two DVDs
feature interviews
and exchanges with
11 Christians. Five are
key church leaders:
Tony Campolo, Brian McLaren, Bruxy
Cavey, Greg Paul and Baxter Kruger. Six
are people who have experienced samegender attraction. “Our six friends all
share vulnerably and transparently from
the joys and challenges they’ve had as
they’ve walked in maturity with Christ,”
says Gritter.
Bridging the Gap’s four segments
build on each other: 1) recognizing gays
as neighbours, 2) Learning to love gay
people, 3) Loving even though
disagreeing, 4) Creating a safe place in
the church for gays. Each segment
pauses in three different places and gives
discussion questions. Extra interviews
and discussions are available for those
who want to delve deeper.
For more information contact New
Direction Ministries at (905) 813-1245 or
check www.newdirection.ca or
btgproject.blogspot.com.
PREPARE FOR AN OLDER CANADA
The numbers are in, and they’re crystal
clear: Canada is growing older as aging
baby boomers swell the ranks of seniors.
And since each generation after the
boomers has had fewer children, we end
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 9
pulse
“I want to be in the mix, not stuck in
time. In fact, I think Jesus would ‘tweet,’
so I’m experimenting with Twitter, too—
type in ‘patrickmorley’ to follow me.”
SPIRITUAL MATURITY WANTED,
BUT NOT DEFINED
up with fewer family caregivers but more
aging parents needing care.
Statistics Canada figures by 2015,
seniors will outnumber children. In 2005
Stats Can estimated there were 135
children per 100 seniors in Canada. In
2031, they figure there will be between 54
and 71 children per 100 seniors
depending on population trends between
now and then.
The traditional structure of Canada’s
population isn’t quite turned on its head,
but its shoulders are getting sore. The
aging of Canada didn’t happen suddenly,
or for just one reason: more Canadians
now live past the age of 65, and many
families chose to have fewer children,
and later in life. This means both fewer
caregivers for seniors and the need for
today’s children to juggle the needs of
their own kids and their parents
simultaneously.
Canada is growing older. The numbers
don’t lie. These changes mean this will
have to be a societal effort, beginning
with families. As families, communities
and governments, we need to plan ahead
soon so we can provide quality care to all
of our parents and grandparents as they
grow older.
— By Derek Miedema, a researcher
with the Institute of Marriage and
Family Canada. Reprinted with
permission of IMFC.
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 10
LEARN TO LOVE NEW TECHNOLOGY
Men trying to figure out Facebook
and Twitter should take Patrick Morley’s
advice. In a recent Weekly Briefing,
the CEO of Man in the Mirror ministries
says he wants “to understand Technology
4 by the end of 2009.”
Technology 4, says Morley, is the
latest advance which began with the
mass production, systems and process
of industrial technology, or Technology 1.
This was followed by: Technology 2—
information technology (computers,
copy machines). Which was followed
by Technology 3—communication
technology (email and the Internet).
Technology 4 is connection technology
or tools like Facebook, MySpace
and Twitter.
“Not everyone will be drawn to
technology, much less the ‘connections’
of Technology 4,” writes Morley.
“However, many people are tilted in
that direction, and especially younger
generations.”
He suggests people, churches,
denominations, and ministries that don’t
make a place for Technology 4 may be
marginalized. And the first step is to
begin to understand the new
technologies.
A new survey by the Barna Group
shows many Christians want to be
spiritually mature—they just don’t know
what it means. The same survey showed
pastors want to help people to spiritual
maturity—they just don’t know how to
define or identify it.
“America has a spiritual depth
problem partly because the faith
community doesn’t have a robust
definition of its spiritual goals,” says
Barna Group president David Kinnaman.
The problem starts with how Christians
define “spiritual maturity.” Four out of five
Christians think it means “trying hard to
follow the rules in the Bible.” Many can’t
even say how their church defines a
“healthy, spiritually mature follower of
Jesus.” Half said they couldn’t even make
a guess. Those who did come up with
something listed: having a relationship
with Jesus; having regular prayer and
Bible study; being obedient; and being
involved in the church.
Of those asked how they’d define
spiritual maturity, 20 per cent weren’t
able come up with anything. The 15 per
cent who did again referred to “following
rules and being obedient.” Barna
surveyors were surprised by the lack of
depth on the subject. They noted, even
with open-ended questions, most of
those surveyed only came up with one
answer, despite being asked for
additional or clarifying comments.
A large majority of pastors, 90 per cent,
said a lack of spiritual maturity was a
huge problem in the U.S.—but only a
minority felt it was a problem in their
church. One of the reasons for this is
that many pastors don’t know how to set
goals for spirituality maturity—and most
prefer activity to attitude. The list the
pastors did come up with was identical
to the churchgoers’ list.
Kinnaman suggests a new way of
measuring spiritual maturity might be
to focus on relationships and
accountability.
“Spirituality is neither a science nor a
business, so there’s a natural resistance
to ascribing scientific or operational
standards to what most people believe
is an organic process,” he says. “The
process of spiritual growth is neither
simplistic nor without guidelines, so hard
work and solid thinking in this arena is
needed.” (The Barna Group)
FAMILY BREAKUPS COST $7 BILLION
The cost of families breaking up is
nearly $7 billion, says the Institute of
Marriage and Family Canada (IMFC).
But cut in half the number of families
breaking up, the country would save $1.7
billion—equal to 10 per cent of Canada’s
military budget or the latest cost estimate
the 2010 Vancouver Olympics.
The $7 billion figure is a “very, very
conservative number,” says Andrea
Mrozek, IMFC manager of Research and
Communications. “We only looked at the
costs of child care, housing and welfare.
We didn’t even consider justice- or
education-related costs.”
Mrozek says the Ottawa-based think
tank put a price tag on family breakdown
because, “Canadians are more interested
in the bottom line. By putting a number
on it, we felt there’d be interest from a
broader swath of Canadians.”
Another “cost” not included was
the emotional toll. Mrozek says, “We’ve
all experienced breakdowns in family
enough to know the emotional costs
are real, immense and immeasurable.”
Mrozek and co-author Rebecca Walberg
also write, “The reduction in suffering
and trauma that would occur… if family
breakdown were halved is of much
greater magnitude.”
Private Choices, Public Costs:
How failing families cost us all promotes
the social benefit of strong families.
“Families are the bulwark of a strong
community,” says Mrozek. The ideal
for society is a family of two married
parents staying together long enough
to both raise their children and see
their grandchildren, she says.
This ideal is seen in the report’s
recommendations: 1) Marriage education
during high school, 2) Marital and premarital counsellors promoting the “public
benefits” of marriage and the costs of
divorce, 3) Governments allowing married
couples to file joint tax returns to lower
their tax burden, 4) Showing governments
the difference between marriage and
cohabitation so they can promote the
benefits of marriage.
“This certainly isn’t a short-term
proposition,” says Mrozek. “To change
the culture we live in isn’t going to be a
snap your fingers, make a wish come
true assessment. But the realities
in the social science literature are
that kids fare best in a married,
two-parent home and the
divorce option for kids is
really not a good one.”
7-YEAR-OLD STEALS DAD’S CAR
TO AVOID CHURCH
Most kids would fake a stomach
ache or the flu in order to avoid church.
But a 7-year-old Utah boy took a different
tactic: he stole his dad’s car and led local
police on a chase.
Dispatchers received reports of a child
driving recklessly on a Sunday morning.
According to Weber County Sheriff Capt.
Klint Anderson, one witness said the boy
drove through a stop sign. Anderson says
two deputies caught up with the boy and
tried unsuccessfully to stop the car, which
reached 64 kph before the boy stopped in
a driveway and ran inside a home.
Anderson says when the boy’s father
later confronted him, the boy said he
didn’t want to go to church. The parents
avoided follow-up media interviews
because they didn’t want to reward their
son for his bad behaviour.
“[The family] doesn’t want this
attention to be perceived by their son as
an incentive or reward for his actions,”
says Anderson. “Humorous as this event
was, it could easily have been a tragic
story instead.”
No charges were laid because the boy
is too young to prosecute. Police did urge
the father to make his car keys less
accessible to children.
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 11
guest column
Jethro Says
Give Jethro permission to initiate necessary course correction in your life.
by Al Descheneau
A lot of good things happen to men
over pancakes and sausage. Families
bond, fathers dispense wisdom, hunters
share secrets and businessmen trade
portfolios. If you add coffee and potatoes
you have the recipe for masculine truth
serum. It’s not that I’m opposed to
conversations that occur over a bowl
of fruit and yogurt, it’s just that I’ve never
had one.
One day, as men from my church
sat around pontificating on life whilst
ingesting copious amounts of meat,
starch and caffeine, a great tool of
ministry was invented. We call it
“Jethro Says.” Do you remember
playing “Simon Says” as a child? Well,
“Jethro Says” is the same—but different.
Exodus 18 shows Moses and the
Israelites on their journey to the Promised
Land. As the leader, it was Moses’ job
to instruct the people in God’s will, guide
them through enemy territory and settle
judicial issues. He also had to lead a
family, meet with God and keep traveling.
Needless to say, it was a lot for one
man to do.
Moses was tired and got to thinking
about the 40 years he spent under the
tutelage of a wise, caring, older man—
his father-in-law, Jethro. It was Jethro
who taught him about being a shepherd,
husband, father and man. He showed
him how to hunt, herd sheep, defend
himself with a staff, pitch a tent,
find water and take care of a wife
and family. Jethro was an important
man in Moses’ life.
When Jethro arrived for a visit at the
Israelite camp, he took the tour and was
properly impressed. But after a day of
playing host, Moses had to get back to
work and the Bible tells us what that was
like. “The next day Moses took his seat
to serve as judge for the people, and they
stood around him from morning till
evening” (Exodus 18:13).
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 12
Part of Moses’ job was to mediate
disputes, and in this group there were a
lot of those to sort out. “He stole my
goat!” “My brother won’t take care of my
parents!” “They killed my dog.” “He broke
my shovel.” Day after day Moses spent
hour after hour refereeing everything from
petty disputes to major catastrophes.
And it was taking a toll on him physically,
emotionally and spiritually.
Jethro looked over the situation and
saw Moses for what he was: a younger,
passionate, loving, dedicated man
making a critical error that was slowly
killing himself and his people. We read
his counsel in verses 17-23: “What you
are doing is not good. You and these
people who come to you will only wear
yourselves out....Listen now to me and
I will give you some advice, and may
God be with you.”
Moses’ life was actually a mess. He
alternated between looking like a rubber
band stretched too tight and a soggy,
deflated balloon. And Jethro says, “Son,
you’re going to kill yourself doing this,
and it’s not good for your people.
Bring this before
God and see what
He says. But you
need to get some
godly men around
to take care of the
smaller stuff, or
you are going to
die and your
people will suffer.”
Upon reading
that, “Jethro Says”
was born among
the men of my
church. Around the
table that day we
gave each other
the permission to
be Jethros. We had
worked together,
trusted each other
and shared deeply of our hopes and
frustrations, but we were missing
something. What was missing was the
permission to initiate a radical, necessary,
godly course correction in each other’s
lives.
Men need that. We need someone with
the courage to stand up and say “Jethro
Says”—someone who won’t beat around
the bush, try to convince us, cajole us, ask
us to pray about, or wait for the perfect
timing. Sometimes we just need a trusted,
outside influencer to grab us by the shirt,
give a godly revelation and push us in the
right direction. “Jethro Says” is our way of
doing that.
Whenever a man in our group says
“Jethro Says,” my ears perk up. It is a
trigger for me to pay special attention. It
means I’m missing something; I need
something; I’m on a path to something
undesirable I can’t quite see. Jethro is
there to point me back to the wise road.
Al Descheneau is the pastor of Nepean
Baptist Church in Ottawa, Ontario.
reviews
Novel thoughts about life and living
BATTLE READY:
PREPARE TO BE USED BY GOD
By Steve Farrar
“Everywhere across
our land men are
discouraged and
depressed,” says
Men’s Leadership
Ministries founder
Steve Farrar. Social
ferment, political
change and the current
economic breakdown
make these particularly
tough times to be a
man. To these ailments, Farrar prescribes
a triple dose of hope. God is in control;
He keeps His promises; He has a plan.
The book examines the lives of two
biblical characters who also lived in
uncertain times. “Joshua and Caleb were
used by God. They didn’t squander or
waste their lives. They were used, made a
difference, contributed, gave more than
they took, and their lives are remembered
and valued to this day,” he writes. The
book covers critical events in the lives of
these faithful men, events that “forged
them into men who were willing to go into
the land and fight the giants—even when
the other leaders were running for cover.”
A DAD-SIZED CHALLENGE:
BUILDING A LIFE-SIZED
RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SON
By Jeff Kinley
Jeff Kinley knows there’s something
very special about the father and son
relationship. “God gave you a son. That
gift is a stewardship. A treasure for you to
manage, invest in, nurture, and develop.
One day when you release him and
present him back to God, you want to be
able to say you did your best through
God’s strength.”
Yet Kinley is keenly
aware that many
fathers never manage
to establish the kind
of relationship they
so deeply desire.
“Without you to show
him the way in life,
your son will stumble
and wander aimlessly
in the dark on his
journey to maturity.
He will flounder his way through
childhood and adolescence, lost in a
world of confusing ideologies and value
systems,” he insists. Drawing on his own
extensive experience as a father, son and
pastor, Kinley challenges men to do better
and offers a host of practical suggestions.
SCARED: A NOVEL ON THE
EDGE OF THE WORLD
By Tom Davis
“Welcome to a world where you are not
in control.” Scared is a novel with a
conscience. It follows the stories of a
somewhat jaded photojournalist covering
events in Africa, and a young girl from
Swaziland forced by circumstances to be
the head of her household. The novel
deals with difficult themes—disease,
hunger, death, cruelty, evil. And it also
deals with hope, revealing the remarkable
capacity of people to rebound from
adversity and to care for one other with
godly love. In real life, the author is CEO
of Children’s HopeChest, an organization
that works with
poor and
vulnerable children
in Russia and
Ethiopia, Uganda
and Swaziland.
Davis is an
advocate for the
fatherless, and
Scared is a remarkably creative way of
helping North American readers identify
with and respond helpfully to the
epidemic of orphans in other parts
of the world.
FIRST THINGS FIRST:
THE RULES OF BEING A WARNER
By Kurt & Brenda Warner,
with Jennifer Schuchmann
Most men know
Kurt Warner as a
football hero with a
flair for dramatics.
Anyone who listens
to him speak soon
knows that he’s
also a God-fearing
man who’d rather
hang out with his
wife and seven
children than talk
about Super Bowl
highlights.
Now, following another remarkable
comeback season and a (losing) visit to
the Super Bowl, the family enterprise
has published a rulebook to manage
life off the gridiron. In a chapter called
“Fight Fair,” Kurt discusses the tension
he and Brenda experience when they
are supposed to be on a date and he
keeps signing autographs for people who
recognize him. They still don’t fully agree,
but they’ve reached some workable
solutions. The book includes a lot of
family pictures and is full of personal
anecdotes. These are ordinary
people who are doing their best
to make their celebrity helpful
and meaningful to others.
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 13
features
Elite athlete. Super Bowl winner. Comeback kid.
These moments help define Kurt Warner. But there’s
more. Much more. SEVEN caught up with the
Cardinals quarterback this summer.
DEFINING MOMENTS
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 14
by Jerrad Peters
“First things first,” said ESPN
commentator Mike Tirico as he presented
the Vince Lombardi Trophy to St. Louis
Rams quarterback Kurt Warner. “Did you
say anything before you guys went out
for that play?”
Tirico was referring to the gamewinning drive Warner had engineered in
the fourth quarter to win Super Bowl
XXXIV on January 30, 2000. With the Rams
and Tennessee Titans deadlocked in a 1616 tie, Warner’s arrow of a pass from his
own 27-yard line had fallen effortlessly
into the hands of Isaac Bruce, who
galloped into the end zone to put his
team six points ahead.
It was a storybook ending to an
unforgettable season for Warner. Having
entered training camp as a 28-year-old
backup to starting quarterback Trent
Green, he suddenly found himself in the
glare of the NFL spotlight when Green
went down with a season-ending knee
injury in the Rams’ third pre-season
game. Rather than trade for a proven
starter, head coach Dick Vermeil put his
faith, however slight, in the undrafted
Northern Iowa product. As one pundit
said at the time, “Warner is a capable
backup, but certainly not what Trent Green
is.” Certainly not, indeed.
Warner threw three touchdown passes
in each of his first three starts for the
Rams—all wins. And after two more
victories against the San Francisco 49ers
and the Atlanta Falcons, Warner graced
the cover of Sports Illustrated for the first
time, accompanied by the headline, “Who
is this guy?” He waited until everyone was
watching to provide an answer.
When Tirico gave him the microphone
on the podium after winning the Super
Bowl—and with millions of people around
the world waiting for his response—
Warner replied to the question.
“First things first,” he said. “I’ve got to
give the praise and glory to my Lord and
Savior up above. Thank you, Jesus!”
Those words, first things first, became
Warner’s modus operandi. And they
vaulted him onto a platform of Christian
ministry that is unique to high-profile,
elite athletes. In the years that followed,
he began a charitable foundation with
the same name and has recently written
a book with his wife, Brenda, which uses
the slogan as its title.
Now 38, Warner might be the most
recognizable Christian athlete in North
America. It’s a fact he readily attributes
to his status as a Super Bowl-winning NFL
quarterback. But, he’s quick to point out,
he didn’t always have it so tidily
packaged. He understands that his
ministry is what it is because of his
professional success. And he had to
work his tail off to get it.
Setbacks
“I think one of the things that has
allowed people to gravitate to me as a
football player has been the story that’s
gone along with it,” Warner recently told
SEVEN in an exclusive interview. “It hasn’t
been picture perfect, and there have been
a lot of setbacks.”
Never drafted, Warner was invited to
try out with the Green Bay Packers in
1994. He was released after training
camp, however, and found himself
without a team to play for during the
1995 season. Running out of options, he
took a job stocking shelves at a grocery
store in Cedar Falls, Iowa for $5.50 an
hour. When no NFL clubs came calling
ahead of the 1996 campaign, he signed
with the Iowa Barnstormers of the Arena
Football League, where he played two
seasons before joining NFL Europe’s
Amsterdam Admirals.
Then he finally got his chance.
After spending a year on the sidelines
backing up Green, he was thrown into
the fire against the Baltimore Ravens on
September 12, 1999. The rest is history.
“A lot of people can relate to my story
of coming up through the ranks and going
through those struggles and fulfilling my
dream,” says Warner. “A lot of people can
gravitate to that. They can grab hold of
that and say, ‘Man, if this guy can do it—
if he can overcome it and fulfill his
dream—then I can, too.’”
Warner also recognizes that, given
the nature of his occupation, his
hardships were always going to be
somewhat more glamorous than those
experienced by most working people.
“My struggles are going to be
different than other people’s because
of my lifestyle and some of the financial
success that I’ve experienced,” he admits.
“The challenges are different and the
struggles are different, but we all have
them. Marriage struggles, family
struggles, job struggles. Even up until
last year, going into last season, I wasn’t
even the starting quarterback on our
football team.”
Sideline duty
Despite a solid 2007 campaign in
which he tossed 27 touchdowns and
completed 3,417 passing yards, Warner
was again relegated to sideline duty when
Arizona Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt
opted to go with Matt Leinart as starting
quarterback in training camp ahead of the
2008 season. By this time the backup role
was familiar territory to Warner, who had
been in and out of the lineup since joining
the Cardinals in 2005—first alternating
with Josh McCown and then playing
second fiddle to Leinart, a highly-rated
prospect.
A solid pre-season from Warner
changed Whisenhunt’s mind, however,
and the 37-year-old rewarded him with
a season to remember. His 4,583 yards –
passing was the second-highest total
of his career, and his 30 touchdowns
were the most he had thrown since 2001.
An early December win over the Rams
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 15
features
secured the NFC West Division title for
Arizona—their first since 1975—and all
of a sudden the hapless Cardinals and
their geriatric quarterback were headed
to the playoffs.
It was feel-good, storybook material—
classic Warner.
It didn’t end there. After edging the
Atlanta Falcons in the first round, Warner
went 22 for 32, threw a pair of
touchdowns and engineered a 33-13
demolition of the favoured Carolina
Panthers in Charlotte. A week later, he
tossed four touchdowns as the Cardinals
beat Philadelphia 32-25 to advance to the
first Super Bowl in franchise history.
It was an immaculate performance
from Warner. On the game’s opening
drive, he marched his team downfield
and completed a nine-yard touchdown
pass to Larry Fitzgerald. But even that
demonstration of confidence was nothing
compared to the highlight-reel play he
masterminded in the second quarter.
After taking the snap, Warner scooped
the ball to running back J.J. Arrington who
quickly returned it to the quarterback.
In the meantime, Fitzgerald had run
62 yards downfield and was wide open
in a scoring position. Warner saw him
and hurled a missile of a pass to his
receiver, who took it comfortably in his
lap. The touchdown put Arizona ahead
by 10, and they never looked back.
On the winners’ podium after
the game, Warner found himself in a
familiar situation, with a familiar
opportunity presented to him to FOX
analyst Terry Bradshaw.
“You’re not going to like this,” said
Bradshaw, “but you’re the third-oldest
quarterback to ever play in a Super Bowl.
How does that make you feel?”
Warner replied, “Everybody’s going to
be tired of hearing this, but I’m not tired
of saying it. There’s one reason that I’m
standing up on this stage today. That’s
because of my Lord up above. I’ve got to
say thanks to Jesus.”
After an unlikely comeback season and
a trio of superb performances in the
playoffs, there was little reason to believe
that Warner wouldn’t be offering similar
thanks after Super Bowl XLIII two weeks
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 16
later in Tampa Bay. He was confident, on a
roll and playing as well as he ever had.
Even the vaunted Pittsburgh Steelers
defense wouldn’t be able to block the
road of Warner’s personal journey.
First things first
“So many people in this business
allow the game and their career to define
them. For me, with my family and my
marriage, I never let the game define me.”
Kurt Warner is a family man. While he’s
happy to discuss football at any given
time, it’s never long before the
conversation turns to his children or his
wife. He gushes about them. Zach—at 19
the oldest of the Warner clan—is legally
blind and preparing for an independent
lifestyle. Jesse, 17, is about to begin
university. Ten-year-old Kade doesn’t care
too much for football. Jada is eight and a
vegetarian. Elijah, 5, wants to be a
football player like his dad. Three-year-old
twins Sienna and Sierra like to hide in the
pantry.
Then there’s his wife, Brenda.
The two met while Kurt was attending
the University of Northern Iowa. According
to an article in Phoenix Women, they
happened to be in the same country
music club one evening, and spent the
night dancing until Kurt walked Brenda
to her car and bent down to kiss her
goodbye. She interrupted him, and
explained that she was divorced with
two kids at home. She never expected
to see him again.
Then he showed up at her door the
next morning. Zach immediately took to
him and showed him around the house.
Brenda—four years older than the 21-yearold playing with Zach and Jesse—quickly
realized how much she could trust him.
They were married five years later and
have been partners in a very public
lifestyle ever since.
Kurt is quick to point out the impact of
Brenda’s own compelling story. And after
she was thrust into the NFL spotlight
alongside her husband, she used it at as
platform for a ministry of her own. In 2001
she and Kurt founded a non-profit charity.
She also has a heart for needy children
and spends time in a hospital with sick
Great wealth brings
great responsibility
When Kurt Warner thinks about stewardship, he thinks
of a gospel verse. “But seek first his kingdom and his
righteousness, and all these things will be given to you
as well” (Matthew 6:33, NIV). In Warner’s mind, material
wealth is worthless unless dedicated to and used for
God’s glory.
“First things first, I’ve got to give credit to Jesus,” he
says. “What I have was given to me by God, so I do my
best to use it for God’s glory.”
By most people’s standards, Warner has a lot. After
becoming a free agent in February, he agreed to a twoyear contract with the Cardinals, worth US $23
million—$15 million of it up front as a signing bonus.
Professional football has made Warner a rich man, and
he takes that very seriously.
“It’s a huge responsibility,” he says. “I don’t take that
responsibility lightly.”
Through his charitable foundation, Warner directs
significant portions of his salary to projects such as
building homes for low-income families and outreach
initiatives in children’s hospitals.
“[Stewardship] can look a lot of different ways,” he
says. “It can look like my charity. It can look like giving to
people in other capacities. It can look like saving money
to make sure I take care of my children. And, to some
degree, it can be enjoyment.
“I don’t feel guilty for having money, because I know
God gave it to me. Where I would feel guilty is if I wasted
the money on things I didn’t think ultimately benefited
what God called us to. Stewardship is taking what God
gives us and using it for His glory.”
— Jerrad Peters
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 17
infants. Most recently, she let the public
in on even more of her private life by
co-authoring the just-released book
First Things First with Kurt. Ironically,
it was her husband who may have learned
the most about her from reading it.
“You think you know a lot about a
person and you have them down pretty
good,” says Kurt. “But then things come
up. These were things that we didn’t talk
about but should have talked about. The
process [of writing the book] was very
good for us, if for nothing else but to open
up some windows that we hadn’t opened
up before.”
One of those windows was what the
book calls the “crazed and chaotic
Warner household.” With a busy mom,
seven kids under the age of 20 and a jet
setting, NFL quarterback dad, it’s not
hard to imagine.
“Crazy and chaotic,” laughs Kurt,
“but maybe in a great sort of way. It’s
crazed in the sense that you just never
know what’s going to happen next—
what’s going to transpire from one minute
to the next. It keeps you jumping; it keeps
you excited; it keeps you laughing and it
keeps you moving forward because every
day is a new adventure.”
Comfort and encouragement
Warner’s family has been more of a
comfort, more of an encouragement than
usual this year. On the final play of the
Super Bowl on February 1, Warner’s
attempted game-winning, Hail Mary pass
was cut short when he was sacked by
Pittsburgh linebacker LaMarr Woodley.
Defensive end Brett Keisel recovered the
ball, and Steelers quarterback Ben
Roethlisberger took a knee to win
the big game.
For Warner, it wasn’t supposed to be
the way the Super Bowl ended. Late in the
fourth quarter he had taken the ball on
his own 38-yard line and thrown an
incredible touchdown pass to Fitzgerald.
Ahead for the first time on the night, it
seemed as though Warner had somehow
written another unlikely comeback tale.
That’s not how it turned out. And Warner
was forced to turn to those closest to him
in the days and weeks following the loss.
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 18
“The greatest thing with a big family
and a supportive wife is that football is
simply football,” says Warner. “They
help to keep that in perspective more
than anything. In this day and age it’s
football 100 per cent of the time.
Everything’s about football. If you’re just
caught up in the world of the NFL, it’s all
about winning and losing. It’s all about
how you play and stats and all that stuff.
I think the beautiful thing about having
a big family is that it takes you away
from all that. They don’t care. It doesn’t
define you.”
With seven kids, Warner doesn’t
have to go far to get his mind off
football. Each of them, he says, has
unique personalities and distinctive
interests. But he also enjoys getting
them all into the van and doing things
as an entire family.
“We really just do whatever they want
to do,” he says. “They all want to do
different things. We love to go to movies
together. We love to go to the park. We
love to play board games together.”
First things first—that’s what defines
Kurt Warner. God, spouse and family.
“They don’t let me get lost,” says
Warner. “They always bring you to, ‘Dad,
this is what defines you—
being my dad,’ or ‘This is
what defines you—being
my husband,’ or ‘This is
what defines you—your
faith and your belief in
Jesus.’ Those
are the things that separate
you.”
Jerrad Peters is the managing
editor of ChristianWeek, a
biweekly newspaper covering
Christian faith and life in
Canada. He also writes
sports stories for a variety of
magazines and web sites.
Get your copy of
Kurt and Brenda
Warner's new book at
www.promisekeepers.ca
What is
Discipleship Training
Unleashed
Unleashed
In depth training to energize your faith and help you discover the
freedom and courage to live dangerously for God.
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Taken separately, each module is designed to equip you from God’s Word
in one of the key areas that define a man:
MODULE 1: Biblical Manhood
MODULE 2: Sexual Purity
MODULE 3: Husbanding
MODULE 4: Fathering
One on One leadership coaching from experienced and wise men of God.
Peer mentoring with other men on the same journey as you are.
A smaller more focused event – limited to approximately 50 participants
with small groups of up to only 8 – participants build meaningful relationships with each other and with the Promise Keepers Canada leaders.
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features
When
trial
is
joy
Many men push themselves
to unimaginable extremes.
An Iron Man competitor
helps us to understand why.
by Tim Doherty
I’m poured out. Ninety lengths into my
Thursday swim workout, and I’m done.
I arrived at the pool already tired. And
with at least 90 lengths still to go,
I’m utterly drained. I want to go limp
like a noodle in a tepid pot. I had a plan,
but now I’m done. But I don’t stop.
Why? I don’t know.
I love this sport. I have been a triathlete
for most of 20 years. But why? In recent
years the question has become significant
because so many men are pushing
themselves to extreme limits in so many
ways. The 10k road race used to be the
standard challenge; now it’s a mere
beginner’s effort. Now many ordinary
people want to run a marathon. And the
one-to-three hour versions of triathlon—
once seen as only for extremists—have
grown exponentially among ordinary
people.
Then there’s the big one: Today if
one desires to race one of the eight
“Iron Distance” races in North America,
you pay $500 a year in advance for the
privilege of spending 10, 12, even 16
hours with 1,500 other people pushing
your body through what’s been described
as “swimming 3.8 kilometres, biking 180
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 20
kilometres and then trying to come up
with enough reasons to run a marathon.”
And then there’s the Deca Iron
Triathlon—10 Ironmans in a row. Are there
no limits?
It’s April and winter is supposed to be
past. But today the wind is absolutely
howling. The plan says I’ve got to
get in a four-and-a-half hour ride.
The thermometer says 1°C and the wind
chill is minus a million. Why am I out
here? A few times I’m nearly blown off
the road and inside my numbed head the
self-talk chatters away that if I stop I’ll
freeze. Spandex and nylon aren’t nearly
enough to survive out here if I don’t keep
pedaling. Good times.
Why? I recently asked a few friends
why we do this. “An enormous amount of
my life is about control,” responded one.
“People expect me to be perfect at my
job. And in my life I can’t say what I really
think, or somebody would be offended....
I can’t hit anyone or I’d be arrested. And
this is good.... But that’s why I need to
pour all my energy into something....
That’s why I love red-lining it.”
For him, extreme sport is a kind of
freedom to be himself.
There are other motives. Some guys do
extreme endeavours as a stress reliever.
Others are addicted, trying to fill a
bottomless hole. Some are trying to prove
something to someone who told them
they didn’t measure up. Others go to
extremes just to discover what their body
and mind are capable of. Still others do it
for the discipline.
I have known these motivations. Some
endure. Others pass through like
Gatorade. Yet in recent years, another
reason has settled in.
“And you were dead in the trespasses
and sins in which you once walked.... We
all once lived in the passions of our flesh,
carrying out the desires of the body and
the mind.... But God.... made us alive
together with Christ…and raised us up
with him.... For we are his workmanship,
created in Christ Jesus for good
works…that we should walk in them”
(from Ephesians 2, ESV).
I have learned that God expresses
Himself through those who know Jesus.
And so in Him I persevere. In Him, trial
is joy. He is, ultimately, my reason why.
As I swim, bike and run, I grow in
knowing the One in whom I am truly alive.
It’s not because my heart pumps, arms
splash, legs mash the pedals and feet
pound the pavement. It’s not because
I might do it better than some guys, or
because I achieve goals. I do it because
Jesus is my life.
Triathlon is one way by which God
empties me of me. Many times I have
gone limp in the water, lifeless in the
saddle, flat on the road. I die. But He
has resurrected me in Christ. He shows
weakness. He hems in strength and trains
the sluggish will. Do others see Him
and His work? I pray they would. Yet this
is mostly about me being poured out in
Him for His glory.
A few weeks ago I got to race again.
It was a glorious day: Sparkling water,
churning arms. Climbing hill after quadbusting hill on the bike, whooshing past
towering maples and fragrant pines,
exulting in God who made it all. And
then finding legs less like tree trunks,
and more like hinds’ feet, to get off
the bike and actually run! O joy!
God, this is yours.
Tim Doherty is husband to Monica
(his greatest cheerleader), father of two
wonderful girls, coach to disciples
of Jesus and a leader in church
multiplication at Kingsfield, in Huron
County, Ontario. Tim competed in the
Lake Placid Ironman on July 26, 2009,
finishing within his personal time goals
for each of the segments. He completed
the 3.8 km swim, 180 km bike and 42 km
marathon in 12 hours 19 minutes. Reach
him at [email protected]
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 21
features
risky ventures
Meet some people who are thrilled to live on the edge for God
by Sandra Reimer
In the spring of 2007, Nigel Paul* visited
a house church in a remote, northern
Pakistan village near a terrorist training
camp in a region known to be an
Al-Qaeda stronghold. As he entered a
small, roofless courtyard surrounded
by hostile neighbours he thought to
himself, “This is not the safest place in
the world.” He put his life in God’s hands
as he proceeded to preach the gospel
through a translator to about 30 people.
Why would he take such a risk?
Dr. Frank H. Farley, a psychologist at
Temple University in Philadelphia has
been studying risk taking for more than
20 years. He categorizes people who
seek stimulation through taking risks as
“Type T” personalities (T for thrill). These
men and women prefer unpredictability,
* name changed
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 22
uncertainty, novelty, complexity,
ambiguity, low structure, high tension
and high conflict.
Their need for adventure can be met
negatively through substance abuse,
promiscuous sex or riding a motorcycle
at insane speeds without a helmet.
More constructively, Type T’s may go
white water rafting, invest in a promising
but risky business initiative, or invent
something.
Like many guys, Paul admits he loves
adventure. “Some people seem to think
that desiring or appreciating adventure
isn’t spiritual. But the Bible is full of
adventure.” Yet his desire seems deeper
than a need for self-centred thrills.
Stifled by the status quo
Shawn Birss and his wife Kate reach
out to punks and activists in Edmonton
through an incarnational community and
their church, Look to the Cross for Victory.
Birss’s transformation from a suburban
pastor to a punk-loving radical started out
as dissatisfaction with the status quo.
He attended Christian school and later
Bible college. At 21 he was a highachieving youth pastor at a church in
Calgary. He led worship, ran a youth
ministry, went to school full-time and was
even the student-body president. “I was
very successful in this bubble but I didn’t
want to be part of it anymore,” says Birss.
On his way to work at the church, Birss
rode the bus with people who asked him
for money and cigarettes—people he
didn’t have time for sitting behind his
desk “doing ministry.” But Birss was
drawn to misfits. He would often watch
punks from a lounge that was four storeys
up. “I wanted to touch the people that
others weren’t touching.”
Three years later, Birss was on staff
with a Lethbridge, Alberta church plant
that ran a sparsely attended drop-in.
He wished youth hanging out on the
streets would come. Then he had an idea.
The church distributed 400 flyers inviting
punks to a redesigned drop-in that
included a live band and free food.
To their surprise, 75 people came
to the first event. After the show,
Birss mounted the stage and said,
“This is our gift to you. We just want you
to know we love you and Jesus loves you.”
The punks booed and tried to drown him
out. After they left, Birss found garbage
everywhere and graffiti in the bathroom.
Despite the mess, Birss was over the
moon that 75 people who never attend
church were inside his church. To the
punks’ amazement, he invited them
back. The following week 85 people
came to Punk After School Special or
Punk A.S.S. for short. Many strong
relationships were formed as Birss and
the youth shared their lives.
Finding God through risk
More important than meeting their
need for an adrenaline rush, men like
Birss and Paul get to know God as they
live an adventure with meaning and
purpose.
Jay Gurnett, assistant executive
director of Vision Ministries Canada
(VMC), a church-planting and leadership
development organization with Brethren
roots, is well acquainted with risk takers.
In the last 17 years, VMC has helped
launch approximately 45 new initiatives—
including many church plants.
The people Gurnett works with dare to
answer God’s call even when challenges
are guaranteed but a salary is not. “When
you have to put something on the line,
you learn that God is real.”
Paul agrees. Though he is a successful
young entrepreneur, after returning from
Pakistan he moved into the kind of highpoverty, high-crime Toronto
neighbourhood that most people avoid.
“Suddenly, in this place of need, where I
was pretty hopeless and useless on my
own, I needed God. And He showed up.”
Living in community, Paul and friends
pray together regularly, letting the Holy
Spirit lead them as they interact with
their neighbours—many of whom are
immigrants from countries closed to the
gospel. “I love seeing God make good on
His promise to set captives free. I love
praying—I love the deep fellowship of
intimate, unity-of-purpose, in-the-battle,
Christian community,” he said.
“When I meet bored Christians who
are looking for the radical God they read
about in the Bible, I can’t help but shout,
‘I’ve found Him! He’s in the places the
Christians don’t want to live in!’” Paul
invites other young Christians to live
incarnationally in high-needs Toronto
and Ottawa communities through
MoveIn (www.movein.to), an
organization he started in 2009.
Birss painting a leather jacket. Over the years, Birss has adopted punk dress. Sometimes people believe that this
is what enables him to do his ministry. “My leather jacket doesn’t make me capable to love punks anymore than
Peter being a fisherman makes him capable of walking on water,” says Birss. Instead he chalks it up to obedience and love. “Jesus said go there, love there. All credit goes to the One who says go.”
Birss and Paul feel alive as they serve
God passionately. In the end that seems
to be more satisfying than the temporary
thrill of driving fast or jumping off a cliff.
Birss adds, “We have 70 some years on
this planet—that’s not very long; it’s over
in a flash. I want to live as many of those
moments for Jesus as possible.”
Sandra Reimer is freelance writer and
publicist. She runs Reimer Reason
Communications and serves on the
editorial advisory board for SEVEN.
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 23
EDGY
PREACHERS
Mark Driscoll and Craig Gross do not
pussyfoot around tough topics, and their
hard-nosed approach is proving very
attractive to male audiences
Frank Stirk
Seeker Insensitive
Why men like Mark Driscoll’s hard-edged sermons
Mark Driscoll doesn’t look like your
typical pastor—because he isn’t. He
wears jeans torn at the knees and looks
like he hasn’t shaved in a couple of days.
His sermons are long, usually an hour or
more, and he’s prone to yell and accuse
and make some people squirm with his
tough-guy vibe and macho lingo.
But Driscoll, who pastors Mars Hill
Church in Seattle, is also fiercely
uncompromising in his challenge to
Christian men to act like the leaders
Scripture commands them to be. For him,
developing mature male leaders is so
essential to church health and Kingdom
growth that it is nothing less than “a hill
to die on.” So it’s no surprise that he has
little patience for pastors who he
suspects are too afraid of the backlash
they’d cause if they turned their churches
into “man-factories.”
“Some of you guys, right now, you’re
chickens. I see it in your eyes. You’re
cowards,” Driscoll told pastors at a
conference in Burnaby, B.C., a couple of
years ago. “You’re like, ‘Somebody’s
going to get their feeling’s hurt.’ Canadian
nicety is the problem. You work for a guy
who got killed. I mean, put your cup on
and get in the game and be willing to take
a nasty email.”
Ouch, eh? And Driscoll isn’t done. “If
you preach a weak, effeminate, cowardly,
timid, humble, Galilean peasant in a
dress who doesn’t like conflict,” he
warns, “you cannot and will not and
should not attract men.”
But is pumped-up masculinity the
way to turn weak-willed men into mighty
warriors for Jesus? Ross Hastings, a
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 24
former pastor who now teaches mission
studies at Vancouver’s Regent College,
has his doubts. “Nothing ticks me off
more,” he says, “than the fact that in
most churches I have served, the women
outshine the men in biblical study,
literacy and godliness by a country mile.
“Yes, it’s true that [Jesus] was unafraid
of controversy, and we need to be humbly
courageous in our day. But He got killed
for the simple reason that He submitted
Himself to the Father’s will and refused
to fight back. So who’s the manly Man?”
Yet far from turning people off,
Driscoll’s message and style—which
The New York Times last January dubbed
“seeker insensitive”—seems to be exactly
what young men especially are craving.
They’re noticing because what started out
as a home Bible study is now one of the
fastest-growing mega-churches in one of
the least-churched cities in the U.S.
“Deep down in the heart of men is the
dignity for responsibility,” says Driscoll.
“Men want to be told, ‘We expect more
from you than to be a porn addict and an
unemployed loser and a guy whose
whole goal is to find a woman with a good
job.’ ... But they never had a dad, or they
had a dad who divorced their mom, or
who looked at porn, or who beat them up,
or who molested their sister. These guys
have no framework for masculinity.”
Frank Stirk is a Vancouver-based
Let’s Be Real and Honest
Why men need to hear Craig Gross and his anti-porn message
Craig Gross has never met a challenge he
didn’t take on. As a young pastor in
southern California, he noticed that
many in his church were struggling with
pornography. In 2002, he responded
with XXXchurch.com, a website that
offers a way of escape to everyone
caught up in the multi-million dollar porn
industry—from its creators to its
consumers. As one of its slogans says,
“Jesus loves porn stars.”
But Gross didn’t stop there. To promote
the website, he and co-founder Mike
Foster set up a booth at an “adult
entertainment expo” in Las Vegas,
offering an alternative to porn directly to
those most involved.
That spawned a ministry that has taken
Gross to churches and college campuses
around the world. He continues to set up
shop inside porn conventions, and he’s
done about 50 public debates with porn
star Ron Jeremy. One of his latest projects
is the Strip Church, an outreach to hotel
and casino workers and gamblers along
the Las Vegas Strip.
Since it began, more than 70 million
people have visited XXXchurch.com. And
that includes Christians. As a 22-year-old
university student confessed online, “I am
addicted to porn and masturbation.... I
am a true believing Christian and feel the
devil is pulling me 24/7. Help me.”
“When people come to us,” says
Gross, “we say, ‘There’s a God who knows
you by name, who understands this and
offers you something better—and He’s
madly in love with you. There’s nothing
you can do that would make Him love you
any less, no matter what you’ve done with
your career or browsed on a computer.’”
This November, Gross will be speaking
at a Promise Keepers Canada conference
in Mississauga, Ontario. “I know guys that
have gone to his XXX Church workshops
in years past and they’ve come back
changed. He gets under their skin,” says
Rick Verkerk, national manager of events
and field ministry with Promise Keepers
Canada.
Verkerk says no PK man has ever
admitted to him that he has a problem
with porn, but he’s sure many are
struggling. They just can’t or won’t
talk about it.
“We do other conferences where we
do workshops and at all of them I have
a sexual purity workshop,” he says. “And
every year for the past four years, in every
city we go to, it’s the best attended
workshop. So they don’t say it, but their
actions tell me clearly that this is a major,
major issue that they need to deal with.”
Gross adds, “We want to pretend we
got the answers and the fixes to
everything. But, hey, let’s be honest and
real that this is wrecking you and it’s
destroying your home. It’s not your wife’s
responsibility to be that leader because
you’re not.”
XXXchurch.com quotes U.S. stats that
suggest that 53 per cent of PK men said
they had viewed pornography in the week
prior to being surveyed, and that 47 per
cent of Christians said pornography was
a major problem in the home.
Craig Gross is speaking at the Forever
National Men’s Conference in Mississauga
this November (www.promisekeepers.ca)
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 25
money matters
Reassessing the family car
These are prime times to re-assess
our attitude toward automobiles.
by Harvey Pickering
The Bible reminds us that the world is in
constant change; that “to every thing
there is a season....” Among the changes
many of us face today is our attitude
towards automobiles.
In our grandparents’ day, a reliable car
was a dream fulfilled. Over time, cars
changed from a novel luxury to a real
necessity. But how much is that necessity
costing us in various ways? Do we need
more than one car per family? Are soaring
gasoline prices, the impact of fossil fuels,
and strains on family budgets changing
the way we look at the four-wheeled
machines in our driveway?
To some, cars remain as essential as
ever. Others, concerned about saving
money and protecting the environment,
may want to ponder the following facts.
The average family does not need
more than one car. Studies suggest three
out of four second cars are unnecessary.
To many families, the second car
represents the most wasteful single
expense, draining at least $5,000
annually. If you’re a two-car family,
consider getting by with one car. In place
of the second car, use public
transportation, car pools or, if weather
permits, a bicycle.
One newer car may prove better than
two older cars. Two aging sedans with V6
or V8 engines may
be costing you more
in gasoline, repairs
and insurance than
one new minivan
with a four-cylinder
engine. Today’s cars
deliver lower
emissions, better
safety features,
more reliability and
Providing easy-to-read Bibles
much improved gas
mileage compared
for this generation.
with cars built just a
few years ago. Over
Giving hope to the lost.
the long run, it may
pay to upgrade to a
single newer
vehicle.
Spread the Word, feed the soul,
Fill in the gaps
with a rental.
change a life.
Whenever the need
To make a donation or to receive your free
for a second or
copy of the New Testament, please contact:
larger vehicle arises,
consider a rental.
[email protected] or call
It costs between
$5,000 and
1-866-HIS-WORD (447-9673)
$10,000 to keep
Canadian LifeLight Ministries
a second vehicle
330-1695 Henderson Highway
in your driveway
Winnipeg, MB, R2G 1P1
but less than $100
a day to rent one
Help us to:
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 26
(usually with unlimited mileage) when
you need it for vacations or extended
trips, which may be only five or six times a
year. Do the math.
Think small. Small cars cost less to
buy, burn less fuel, emit less carbon
dioxide (CO2) and qualify for lower
insurance rates, yet are often surprisingly
roomy. Unless your family consists of
professional basketball players, you
probably don’t need a full-sized car.
City dwellers rarely need an SUV or fourwheel-drive. SUVs are thirsty for fuel
and unwieldy in traffic; four-wheel-drive
is costly to buy, operate, maintain
and repair.
Look beyond the shiny stuff. With
gasoline at more than a dollar per litre,
fuel consumption becomes a major factor
in your buying decision. If your new car
avoids one fill-up per month, that’s
$5,000 in your pocket over the first five
years of ownership. Also, avoid cars that
need expensive premium fuel to deliver
top gas mileage.
Should you buy or lease? It’s almost
always cheaper to purchase.
Consider your health. This being
Canada, we can’t comfortably walk or
bicycle to every destination year round.
But the more you depend on your legs
instead of a gas-guzzling car, the
healthier you’ll be.
Automobiles were once a source of
pride to Canadians who believed a big
shiny vehicle in their driveway somehow
made the owner more worthy of respect.
These days, respect can be earned by
other means, such as protecting the
environment and assisting those in need.
Surely these actions reflect God’s plan,
and you may well begin to realize them
by redirecting the cost and impact of
your car toward new goals.
Harvey Pickering, FIC,
is Sales Manager for Western Canada
with FaithLife Financial.
Out of my depth
“I’m confused”
The ultimate extreme is life abandoned to God
by Phil Wagler
The movie Blood Diamond is a
fascinating study in what makes men
tick. Danny Archer (Leonardo DiCaprio)
is a Zimbabwean diamond smuggler who
through cinematic fate finds his life tied
to a West African fisherman named
Solomon Vandy (Djimon Hounsou).
Archer lost his parents tragically as a
child and now lives the lonely and
dangerous life of a mercenary who makes
cheap diamonds a girl’s best friend. He
lives for the adrenaline of the chase—the
chase for elusive jewels, for money, for
women, from enemies, and ultimately,
the chase for purpose in his wounded and
empty life.
Vandy, conversely, has almost nothing
except his family. He is a husband and
father in a poor African nation. When his
family is torn apart in the brutal Sierra
Leone civil war and he is enslaved in the
mines, everything he does is aimed at
reuniting his brood. They are his life.
He is as driven as Archer, only his arrow
is pointed in the opposite direction.
As Danny and Solomon embark on a
final trek to find a valuable and hidden
blood diamond it is for divergent reasons.
Archer is looking to get rich to escape the
life he knows. Solomon is looking to
escape back to the life he knew. A telling
conversation ensues in which Solomon
asks Danny piercing questions of
meaning and purpose. Does he have a
wife? No. Does he have children? No.
Solomon literally stops in his tracks.
It makes no sense to risk life and limb
for no real purpose. Why this pointless
extreme existence? “I’m confused,”
he blurts.
“That makes two of us,” replies the
despairing smuggler as he marches off in
his perplexity to chase another shiny rock.
His life is extreme in its blandness.
The rush is a sedative. The karat glint
distracts from a heart of stone, a vacuum
of purpose, a life with adventure but
no meaning.
What is so extreme about living solely
for self? What’s so wild and adventurous
about that when we do it all the time?
That’s just normal. The Danny Archers
and couch potatoes of this world are
simply polar opposites of the same
reality. The only difference is one goes
down in a blaze of glory while the other
goes down in a haze of corn chips. Don’t
Any extreme life
we might imagine
is Saturday morning
cartoons compared to
what is possible with God.
we know, if we’re really honest, that such
extremes are not extreme at all?
At the end of Blood Diamond we pity
the tragic Archer whose aim was so late
on target, while Solomon’s simple,
purposeful, selfless life is always
extremely attractive. Which man got it
right? Are these the only choices?
Hear the words of Jesus Christ, the Lord
of history: “What is impossible with men
is possible with God” (Luke 18:27).
Any extreme life we might imagine is
Saturday morning cartoons compared to
what is possible with God. Jesus is
responding to His confused disciples
about who is in the Kingdom of God.
Jesus upends our normalcy, as extreme
or honourable as it may be, and invites us
into the potential of the Kingdom of God.
You see, for Jesus there is a third way
besides the way of Archer and even
Vandy. Family is good, Solomon has
purpose, but Jesus pushes to a new
extreme vision for life: “I tell you the truth,
no one who has left home or wife or
brothers or parents or children for the
sake of the kingdom of God will fail to
receive many times as much in this
age and, in the age to come, eternal life”
(Luke 18:29-30).
The extreme life is not focused on self,
neither is it focused solely on those
closest to us. It is life abandoned unto
God. This is the third way, the supernatural life to which Jesus points.
We are called to a grand yet single
purpose, to leave the wilds, the banal
and even the admirable for the
impossible possibilities of life in the
footsteps of Christ. This is the extreme
life that confuses our natural tendencies,
but it is what Jesus calls us to.
Or, is He too extreme?
Phil Wagler is a husband, father, and
pastor living in southern Ontario.
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 27
power play
Great games. Great toys.
Great gadgets.
Reviews by Sandy McMurray
RIPT FUSION UNDERSHIRT
www.riptfusion.com
Ript Fusion, the “torso-enhancing”
undershirt, is the fashion equivalent of
alchemy; it promises to turn a beer belly
into a six-pack.
“Men today care about their
appearance and their health, but are
unwilling to compromise comfort,” says
Heather Thomson, the shirt’s designer.
“That’s why I have fused fashion and
function in the creation of a new version
of the classic men’s undershirt that
provides unique benefits without
sacrificing comfort.”
Ript Fusion is part of the fashion
product category known as “men’s
shapewear.” The Ript undershirt is a
“compression garment” that compacts
the abdomen and back to make a flatter
silhouette. The goal is to transform you
from Incredible Bulk to Superman.
(Marketing folks will tell you that many
athletes wear compression garments.
This is especially true of very fat athletes.)
To put on a Ript Fusion undershirt,
pull on all the way to your underarm, then
pull over your head and force downward.
To take off a Ript Fusion undershirt, call a
friend or call 9-1-1 and explain that you’re
stuck in your girdle.
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 28
THE MAN WALL
www.themanwall.com
Have you ever idly
wondered what the ultimate
entertainment centre might
look like? This might be it.
The Man Wall is eight feet
high, eight feet wide and
two feet deep. It comes with
four TVs including a 42” LCD
HDTV, a 1000 watt
Panasonic 5.1 home theatre
system, a DVD player with 5disk changer, and an iPod
docking station. There’s a
seven-foot wide sports ticker
with built-in computer, a
1000-watt microwave oven,
a refrigerated beer keg with
tap, dual cigar humidors
and a 32-bottle wine rack.
All this for just $15,000? Pinch me!
The all-in-one design neatly conceals
the appliances, speakers, cables, tangled
wires, and conspicuous consumption.
When it comes to excess, The Man Wall
exceeds.
USB CHAINSAW
http://www.usbchainsaw.com/
The gadget store at ThinkGeek.com has
an entire category for small devices that
are powered by USB. In addition to useful
things, like USB-powered speakers and
reading lights, you can also buy surprising
and silly stuff like the George Foreman
USB iGrill and tiny toys that play music,
display photos or launch foam rockets.
That was just the beginning.
Introducing i.Saw—the world’s first
USB-powered portable chainsaw.
No, I’m not kidding. Plug it in, rev it up,
and start cutting. Never before has a
chainsaw been made available in such a
compact and mobile form.
It’s loud, it’s fun, and ... it’s fiction.
The web site is real enough but the
product doesn’t exist. It’s just part of
a campaign that urges people to use
less paper at work.
If you go to usbchainsaw.com you
can see the i.Saw promotional video
and marvel at how convincing it is.
you’re there, click on the i.Saw download
link to get free “Papercut” software that
plays a chainsaw sound effect every
time you use your computer printer.
AEROPRESS COFFEE MAKER
www.aeropress.com
In a world filled with $20 drip coffee
makers, AeroPress dares to be different.
It doesn’t look like a coffee maker.
It looks like a big plastic tube.
I was skeptical when I first read
about AeroPress, but I eventually
decided to give it a try.
I’m glad I did. AeroPress makes
a great cup of coffee.
Here’s how it goes: You place the
filter—a small circle of paper—in the cap
of the AeroPress. Screw the cap on and
place it over your mug. Add one scoop of
fresh ground coffee for each cup you wish
to fill, then add one ounce of hot water for
each scoop of coffee. Stir the hot water
and coffee grounds for about 10 seconds
then gently insert the plunger and begin
pushing it down. The fresh coffee gets
pushed into your mug. As is, it’s
espresso; add hot water or milk to get a
weaker brew.
Cleanup is easy: unscrew the cap at
the bottom then hold the AeroPress over
a garbage can. Push
the plunger gently
until the “puck”
of coffee grounds
pops out into the
garbage. A simple
rinse is the only
other cleanup
that’s required.
I confess that
I’m a coffee snob,
but I was won over
by the AeroPress,
which combines
great taste with
a fun coffee-making
process. AeroPress
is awesome.
SEABREACHER PERSONAL
WATERCRAFT
www.seabreacher.com
If you have always wanted to ride
a dolphin, I have just the thing for you.
The Seabreacher is a personal
watercraft with a difference: it can
travel on and under water. You can zip
along the water surface, at speeds
up to 35 mph, or close the canopy
and submerge to travel under water
at speeds up to 20 mph.
Go to Seabreacher.com for more
pictures, and to watch the videos
that show how you can jump, dive
and roll when you’re in a Seabreacher.
Site Seeing
Some recommended sites
from around the Web:
DEMOLITION CITY
www.armorgames.com
Demolition City is an addictive webbased game. You play a demolition
expert armed with dynamite. Each level
of the game is a simple puzzle. Your job
is to figure out where to place your
charges for maximum effect so the
entire building comes down without
destroying anything else nearby.
ANIMATED ENGINES
www.animatedengines.com
Animated Engines is an interactive,
educational web site that uses movies
and pictures to demonstrate how various
engines work. The animated illustrations
explain the inner workings of a variety
of steam, Stirling and internal
combustion engines.
CAFE PRESS
www.cafepress.com
CafePress is the world’s best-known
make-and-sell web site. You upload your
artwork or clever message, and then
CafePress offers it for sale on mugs,
shirts, hats and more. They handle the
sales, the shipping and everything else,
and split the profits with you.
THE GAME CRAFTER
www.thegamecrafter.com
This is a new make-and-sell web site
that focuses on games. The Game Crafter
offers customized templates that make
it easy to produce a desk of cards or a
board game complete with tokens, dice,
rulebook, etc. You design, they sell,
and you split the profits.
Sandy McMurray writes about gears,
games and gadgets for SEVEN. His web
site is mcme.com
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 29
What women want
Pucker up
For women, kissing is not always the appetizer. Often it’s the main course.
by Sheila Wray Gregoire
Have you kissed your wife today?
I mean really kissed her. Not some split
second peck, but have you enveloped
her in your arms, pressed your lips
against hers and given her a smooch
to make her toes curl?
No? Why not?
Do you realize the benefits of kissing?
Dentists say it produces extra saliva to
slow tooth decay. Doctors tell us it boosts
our metabolism to twice its normal rate.
Psychologists tell us it helps relieve
stress. But ask a woman, and she’ll tell
you that kissing makes her happy!
I’m not sure if men realize how much
women love kissing. From the time
we are small, little girls are mesmerized
by kisses. When we dream about our
wedding day, we focus on the dress,
the flowers and the music, but it all
culminates in the kiss. We rarely fastforward from there. Even as a teen,
when I imagined my dream date,
I pictured strolling hand on hand,
or sitting on a bench with his arm
around me, all leading up to that
magical kiss beneath the moonlight.
As a guy, you probably pictured more
than just the kiss. And perhaps, if I’m
honest, I’d admit that we girls dreamed of
that, too. On the whole, though, it wasn’t
the potential for wandering hands that
made us breathless; it was that sweepme-off-my-feet smooch. That’s what we
practiced into pillows, giggled with best
friends about and drifted off to sleep
imagining.
And then we got married and the
kissing stopped. What a rip-off.
When Keith and I were engaged, we
took kissing to an art form because we
had so much practice. Everything else, of
course, was off-limits since we wanted to
wait for marriage, but we indulged where
we could.
But after the wedding I felt kissing had
become too dangerous. When we were
first married, Keith treated kisses as if
they were down-payments for something
later. And since I couldn’t guarantee what
my mood would be like when bedtime
loomed, I decided kissing was too much
like an IOU to make it a safe activity.
Maybe you’ve encountered this same
phenomenon in your marriage. Have you
ever planted a stupendous kiss on your
beloved, felt her melt in your arms, and
then had her suddenly turn cold when
your hands began to wander?
What just happened? She was
enjoying herself, wasn’t she? Doesn’t she
like it when you touch her? Yes. And no.
In general, men need sex, but they can
take or leave affectionate embraces.
Women, on the other hand, thrive on that
affection; it’s sex we don’t necessarily
need. If every time you get affectionate
you try to move it to the next level, you
cheapen something that is really
important to her.
For women, kissing is not always the
appetizer to something; often it’s the
main course in itself. Sure it may be
accompanied by sex, but it’s also
available on the side, from the á la carte
menu. And to us, that can make it
sweeter. We need intimacy and
emotional connection, and kissing can
deliver that even better than sex. Our
bodies are pressed together, we’re
breathing the same air, and we can’t turn
our faces away, as we can during sex.
That doesn’t mean women don’t want
sex! But if your wife feels feel like you’re
kissing her only as step one in a four-step
process, then you’re telling her, “I’m only
spending time with you right now to get
something I want.” What she wants to
hear is, “I love just being with you and
experiencing you, however we do that.”
I know kissing without it going
anywhere can be frustrating for a guy,
and perhaps you’d rather chuck it to save
yourself that hassle. But if that’s your
attitude, then the only rolling your sheets
are likely to experience will be because
your wife turned you over when you were
snoring.
That’s because unlike men, women
need an excuse to get aroused. It doesn’t
just happen. Kiss your wife, and you get
her body beginning to think in that
direction. If you assume that it has to go
in that direction, though, she feels the
pressure and can’t relax, and now the
best key she has to turning her libido
switch on is gone. Kiss her during the
day, with no agenda, and she’s more
likely to be interested in wandering
hands at night!
That may sound akin to asking a lion
to be a vegetarian, but the more you give
her affection, without always expecting
something else, the more likely you are to
get that something else. She’ll feel
valued, loved, and desirable, so she’s
more likely to act on those feelings.
Try this experiment for a month.
Everyday, kiss your wife for at least
15 seconds straight. Don’t let your hands
wander too much (unless hers do!).
And then walk off. You just may find her
begging you to come back for more!
Sheila is the author of several marriage books, including
Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight: Help for women
who want to feel more in the mood. You can find her
speaking at marriage conferences around the country,
or at www.SheilaWrayGregoire.com.
seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 30
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seven – issue eight september–october 2009 page 31