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Dracula Tells All
By Christina Harlin, your Fearless
Young Orphan
Dracula Untold (2014)
Directed by Gary Shore
Two weird things here: 1) I’m not sure what they
think is “untold” about this story. I wasn’t
surprised by any new information. This spin on
the story proposes that Vlad the Impaler, Prince
of Transylvania, became a vampire specifically to
save his country. Rather, it’s the same old story,
plumped up to make him more sympathetic,
because it is really hard to sympathize with a guy
who was famous for brutally impaling thousands
of people, which must be a simply wretched way
to die. 2) Dracula Untold isn’t nearly as bad as I thought it might be. In fact, I thought
it was going to be downright terrible and its worst offenses are that it’s a bit boring and
takes itself far too seriously. Otherwise, it’s a respectable vampire story, the acting is
better than you’d expect, and the spin on the tale supports a certain angle of the Bram
Stoker novel in a very helpful way. We’ll talk about that, coming up real soon!
Prince Vladimir, Son of the Dragon (Luke Evans, who despite all evidence to the
contrary is not Orlando Bloom) has just returned from a terrible war during which he
was a mighty warrior who impaled something like a thousand people and left this horrid
tableau for any and all to see. It was a “discouragement” tactic, he later says. He is
supposed to be our tragic hero and as I said earlier, it is very hard to sympathize with an
impaler. It’s a bloody awful thing to do. So he’ll tell the vampire lord during Vlad’s
job interview that “I killed a thousand to save ten thousand,” because he figured this
brutal act would scare people into ending the war. Well that as may be, it’s still a
bloody awful thing to do. They make it sound like innocent bystanders were included
in the impaling, but even if it were only soldiers, my god, that’s extreme behavior for
someone who is meant to be a dreamy tragic antihero. This is something of a tonal
problem in the film, and I did get hung up on it. I could not reconcile our dark-eyed,
tousle-haired handsome prince who wuvs his wife and son with the image of a man
capable of such brutality.
Here’s a question about impaling a thousand people: where the hell did he get all the
sharp poles? Was he carrying a thousand sharp poles in his backpack? Did he have his
troops up all night crafting sharp poles? How do you get a thousand people under
control to wait around for their turn at impalement? The idea, you see, is that you must
impale a person while he is still alive, or it’s just a nasty way to display a corpse rather
than a terrible punishment. Crucifixion (which I admit sounds somewhat worse than
being impaled) operates under the same wicked premise: it’s not just that you’re dying,
it’s that you’re dying for a long time and in a horrible, horrible way and experiencing
every moment in living color.
Vladimir comes home to Transylvania to his lovely wife Mirena (delicate beauty Sarah
Gadon) and his son Ingeras, about ten years old. For a short time things are just fine
and dandy, but then his old friend Mehmed, a Turkish prince, shows up with a honking
big army making demands. Mehmed and the Turks want a thousand boys from
Transylvania, children who will be raised to be terrifying fighters in the Turkish army,
and they want Ingeras to come along as well, as a political prisoner. Vladimir was a
political prisoner to Mehmed’s own father when both princes were just boys, and Vlad
balks at the idea even while he does not know how to avoid such a dilemma without a
war breaking out. Mirena more rather more loudly balks at the idea, screaming in
desperation that she will not let her son go, and that Vladimir promised her she would
never have to. Ah, dammit. Vladimir has to make a stand. He won’t give Ingeras to
Mehmed, nor will he give a thousand of his country’s boys to the Turkish army.
Problem is, the Turkish army is on his doorstep and now they are pissed off, and his
own country is just hanging
on after the decimation of
the last war.
I want a woman who loves me for me, and not just for that
whole “impaling” thing.
Vladimir sets up a job
interview with the local
“horror
in
a
cave.”
Something wicked lives in
a hole at the top of a nearby
mountain, inaccessible save
for
rock
climbing.
Vladimir knows that this
monster
has
been
effortlessly killing Turkish soldiers. Vladimir figures on the old “enemy of my enemy”
saying and heads up there to ask for help protecting his country. Inside he meets
vampire Charles Dance (we lurv him) dressed up like Emperor Palpatine, who offers
Vlad the chance to become immortal and indestructible by turning him into a vampire.
Vlad doesn’t sign on without a bit of clarification: if he can go three days without
ingesting human blood (though the temptation to do so will be overwhelming), he will
revert back to his human form.
The next three days will be both triumphant and trying for our “hero.” You can
probably imagine the details of his vampire-adventure, and because this is a film called
“Dracula Untold” you can easily surmise that he does become a vampire permanently.
That’s no spoiler. How this all comes about is the part of the movie I found rather
intriguing though, because, surprise surprise, his own countrymen aren’t too thrilled
about having a vampire lurking about, either. He’s in danger from both sides of the
conflict. Even adoring Mirena is fairly perplexed when he admits what he has done.
Let’s talk about Mirena. Sarah Gadon does something nearly miraculous with this role:
she makes Mirena a real person, rather than some token figure in Vlad’s life. Normally
Dracula’s long-lost love is described in eight words or less: she was beautiful and he
wants her back. For the first time in a Dracula tale, I felt there was a good reason
behind his subsequent obsession with the Mina of his future. Mirena was his partner
and protector, willing to forgive him even for selling his soul to the devil because she
understands why he did it. She defends him against those who would kill him as a
demon. She’s a fierce mother and she’s plenty sexy too. Doesn’t hurt that she’s easy on
the eyes, but physical beauty alone is not really a satisfying reason for a man’s
obsessing over a woman. I actually quite liked that I was able to say, “Oh yes, in this
context, I can understand why Dracula will relentlessly pursue a Mirena reincarnation
someday in the future. Mirena means a great deal to him.” Moreover, I can understand
better why Mina would respond passionately to such a pursuit, aside from merely being
under a vampire’s spell. There is a real marriage between Mirena and Vlad. Too bad he
impaled a thousand people, otherwise I would be totally girling out about the whole
thing.
One final point in the film’s favor: it is 84 minutes long. You’d think a movie like this
would stretch itself out to at least two hours, and it really did not have enough story to
fill that amount of time. Not that that reason stops most other films from making this
mistake. For whatever reasons (budget, interest, creative constraints), they tell their
story in 84 minutes and then it’s over. This may be the biggest reason why Dracula
Untold is a fairly decent film. There is little padding. There is some, because yes,
things are a bit draggy in the first half hour. Have some patience and the action will
pick up. Allow for a certain amount of silliness, and a certain amount of glowering and
brooding.
I’m going to give Dracula Untold eight Fangs out of ten. No one is more surprised
than me that it gets such a high score. It’s Dracula’s origin story writ large. What’s
more, it actually makes sense.