ZANE TO GATE 69
a one-act sci fi comedy (blind)
A handler from the future briefs a clueless agent on what
could be his - and humanity's - last mission.
But will she be in time?
Copyright © 2015
All Rights Reserved
ZANE TO GATE 69
a one-act sci-fi comedy
SETTING:
An office at Agency Headquarters.
TIME:
March 8, 1972. 1900 hours (aka 7 pm).
CHARACTERS:
ZANE ARCHIBALD, a 20-something spy, good looking,
built.
KATE WELLES*, late 20s-30s, Zane’s handler.
JANE COLDBERG*, another agent and Commander.
AGENT BOFFIN, an impossibly large man of few words (or
a very large woman)
All roles open to all ethnicities
* Kate and Jane are time travelers in the service of a
shadowy future Authority. They cannot let Zane know
this.
Inspired by the Gordon Lee painting “Being and Time”
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 2.
IMPORTANT PRODUCTION NOTES (and spoilers).
Each “restarted” scene has a grounding cue to establish we’ve
started over. Suggestions: Zane’s watch alarm goes off, Zane
strikes or unfreezes into a certain pose, we hear loud
ticking or see a reversing clock effect.
Time Travel each time has a sequence of freeze, Time Travel,
scream, and so on. The Time Travel Effect could include
lights, sound, or actual time travel.
Further notes at the end of the script.
COSTUMES:
Zane is dressed 1970s style, or in a dashing tuxedo. Either
way there’s polyester involved.
Kate wears neutral, timeless business attire, like grey slacks
and a white blouse, and a prominent, futuristic watch (of many
functions).
Kate’s clothing and demeanor fray over the course of the play,
indicating the wear and tear caused by excessive time travel
and conditions back home. In the last scene she is refreshed
and renewed.
Jane first appears in a tattered, shredded uniform or sacklike grey dress, also with a futuristic watch. In subsequent
appearances she wears a smart uniform or neutral attire not
unlike Kate’s.
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 3.
AT RISE: AN OFFICE AT AGENCY HQ.
SCENE 1. MARCH 8, 1972. 19:00.
ZANE ARCHIBALD, secret agent, sits
with his feet up on the desk, playing
with his gun, checking the action.
He’s interrupted by his WATCH ALARM,
which he silences.
Zane speaks to his gun, getting a jump
on his memoirs.
ZANE
“March 8, 1972, 1900 hours. Sexy, suave, superspy Zane
Archibald, fresh out of his Academy training, readied himself
for his first mission, awaiting the man who would be his
first handler. All the test missions, simulations, his four
and a half years at Princeton-- behind him. Play time is
over.”
Zane freezes as there is a FLASH OF
LIGHTS and STRANGE SOUND (or other
TIME TRAVEL EFFECT).
Zane unfreezes as KATE WELLES strides
in. Kate is humorless as a sharp stick
in the eye. She wears a bulky, high
tech watch device, and carries a very
intimidating attache case, made of
cold steel. Or titanium maybe.
Zane scrambles up; it’s not his desk.
Agent Archibald.
Present!
Zane Archibald?
Guilty as charged.
KATE
ZANE
KATE
ZANE
Kate scans him with her strange watch,
trying to make it look like she’s
checking the time. It’s him.
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 4.
KATE
(becoming briefly human)
I’m here with Zane Archibald. The One. And only-Yes ma’am! Uh, miss--
ZANE
KATE
(back to sharp stick)
It’s Mizz. Welles. Katherine Welles.
ZANE
Mizz. Gotta love this women’s lib, bra burning revolution
thing. Whoo! Girl power!
He raises his fist in solidarity.
Lowers it when he sees he’s not
advancing the movement.
KATE
(levelly)
Let’s go with Kate.
Special Ops?
ZANE
KATE
I’ll ask the wrong questions here. What’s the date?
ZANE
March 8, 1972, 1900 hours! Unless you say it’s not.
KATE
Damn straight. First mission?
You know it!
ZANE
KATE
Mine too. Don’t screw it up.
Where’s Boffin?
Who’s Boffin?
ZANE
KATE
ZANE
Agent Boffin. He was supposed to handle me.
KATE
Never mind “supposed to” anything anymore.
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 5.
Screw Boffin.
ZANE
KATE
Zane, this missions is critical. Every detail is vital.
There’s no room for the tiniest deviation.
No.
ZANE
KATE
Now some of what you’re about to hear will be cryptic and
disturbing-ZANE
I’ve been trained to move fiercely and ask questions never.
KATE
We’re counting on it.
(she gives him a book)
Here. This book is your cover.
ZANE
Will people judge my cover by this book?
KATE
We hope they’ll mistake you for an intellectual.
ZANE
I went to Princeton, you know.
Exactly.
KATE
ZANE
Ah. Being and Time. Good ole... Heidegger’s Being and Time.
By, uh, Mr. Heidegger.
Dolly. Dolly Heidegger.
Of course. The wife.
Daughter.
KATE
ZANE
KATE
ZANE
Of course, the daughter.
KATE
Brilliant, like her father. He died before she was born.
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 6.
Ah. The sequel.
ZANE
KATE
Prequel, actually. Hers came before his.
Uh, what?
ZANE
KATE
Stop underestimating the women in your life, Archibald!
ZANE
Not you, Kate. How many gals claw their way up the ladder to
Lady Boss-Man? At what cost to your love life, I wonder.
KATE
Zane. They warned me, in your student missions, you never
once made contact without making contact. It’s a violation of
protocol.
ZANE
And you’d never violate that.
KATE
Eyes on the prize, Archibald!
ZANE
Tell me. Kate. Under that icy exterior, is there a woman in a
fiery red camisole, yearning to be thawed, like a juicy
lasagne?
KATE
Hey. Back when I come from, “drab” is a badge of honor. So is
“having no next of kin”. That’s why they picked me to testpilot technology that would boggle your one-track 20th
century mind-- You’re not listening, are you?
ZANE
(reading off the book jacket)
“Can we define what it is to ‘be’ in ‘time’, without being
the beings who define being, in time? Heidegger’s argument is
as recursive as it is baffling.”
KATE
“Four stars. A ‘Book of the Month Club Alternate’”--?
ZANE
(casually running his fingers
through her luxuriant tresses)
Irresistible.... Like you, Kate. A woman with power, sex
appeal, and brains. You don’t even need the brains.
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 7.
KATE
(shaking him off)
You know, they could have gone with The Time Machine. Or the
Korean version of Gone with Wind-I am fluent in Korean--
ZANE
KATE
They know. Or an autographed copy of Stephen Hawking’s To the
Future and Back, or a red porcelain Farbitzner with cloaking
device, you’d be surprised how many ways they could go with
this-- but, no. Dolly Heidegger’s Being and Time. I told them
it was the wrong book.
ZANE
We have so much in common, Kate. I went to Princeton, and we
both get turned on by existentialism. Let’s discuss it, under
your desk.
Kate puts a rear choke on him.
ZANE (cont’d)
Feisty’s hows I likes ‘em!
KATE
Question my authority again and I’ll demonstrate three new
kinds of choke hold before you can say sorry.
ZANE
(choking:) Then let me say sorry in advance.
KATE
(dropping him)
Now that we’ve got that behind us. You’re off to colorful,
cosmopolitan Kabul.
ZANE
Ah. The Afghan kingdom. The Paris of Central Asia. Guess
there’ll be a few new stamps in the old passport.
KATE
And in the new one, “Formsby”. Friday, at 2200, read Chapter
10 while crossing Kabulplatz. You’ll trip over this man.
Kate shows him a photo.
Quite the rakish grin.
That rake is pure evil.
ZANE
KATE
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 8.
ZANE
Sexy, isn’t he. That come-hither glint in his eye.
KATE
Attractive, yes, but deadly. Any questions?
ZANE
Just one. Does he have a sister?
KATE
We believe his name is, was George Lugas. Masquerading as a
film maker, he’s just made a film. It reveals his access to
top secret, futuristic technology. We’re... concerned.
As she speaks, Kate takes out from the
attache case a Star Wars figurine or a
plastic light-saber toy, which she
flashes at Zane reluctantly.
Have I seen this movie?
ZANE
KATE
Nobody has. Nobody will. It’s called “THX-1138”.
ZANE
Great name for an alias.
KATE
He claims to be location scouting, for a series of action and
adventure blockbusters about space wars, starring a plucky
hero in over his head and goofy robot sidekicks.
Kate stashes the toy.
ZANE
Who wouldn’t see through that.
KATE
In reality he’s mobilizing a group of rag-tag terrorists for
a brazen attack on your nation’s capitol. Kamikaze-style
flyers will exploit a structural blem in the Lincoln Bedroom
and blow the White House to smithereens. A terrifying cross
between a Komodo dragon and a Rastafarian becomes president.
And those were the good old days.
ZANE
That makes... very little sense.
KATE
Are you questioning the Probability Generator?
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 9.
How do I play it.
ZANE
KATE
Make contact. Get him to the safe house, where you will
torture and brainwash him, then snuff him out like a candle.
ZANE
And that will somehow effect that other stuff?
KATE
Dinner, safe house, candle. Questions?
ZANE
Just one. What’s a Probability Generator?
KATE
I drop you at Kennedy, Gate 69. You fly first class to
Zurich. Change for the red eye to Beirut, in case you’re
followed. Backtrack on the Qantas to Afghanistan.
Zane sits at the desk.
ZANE
Does it end in Kabul, I wonder? Or do I improvise my way
around the Orient, bedding death and escaping beautiful
women?
KATE
Jesus, Archibald! Pack the book, stow your kit, and-(reading her watch)
Great. Excuse me a moment.
Kate exits with the attache case. She
screams, OFF. Zane freezes.
TIME TRAVEL EFFECT.
SCENE 2. MARCH 8, 1972. 19:00.
TIME TRAVEL EFFECT.
Zane unfreezes, puts his feet up on
the desk. His alarm watch goes off. He
silences it, and speaks to his gun.
ZANE
“March 8, 1972. 1900 hours. The feckless Princetonian,
trained by a secretive Academy in the arts of love and war,
readies himself for his first--”
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 10.
Zane scrambles up as Kate enters,
carrying a formidable but battered
attache case, and wearing a gas mask
of some kind. She lifts it, breathes
experimentally, sets it aside.
Zane advances on her like a trained
assassin, to shake hands.
ZANE (cont’d)
Careful! This hand is a registered weapon in seven states.
KATE
Kate Welles. I’ll be your handler today.
ZANE
What happened to Agent Boffin?
KATE
Boffin was... detained. Take this.
Kate gives Zane a book.
ZANE
(translating)
“The Desert Storm Has Vanished.” Ah. Gone with the Wind.
KATE
Your Korean is impeccable.
ZANE
(in Korean:) Thank you for noticing.
(in English:) As are my other eight languages. And three
dozen arts-martial.
(he does martial arts moves)
Thanks to Princeton. And the Academy.
KATE
The Academy. Constantly resculpting the brilliant minds and
bodies they recruit from Princeton. And a number of state
schools. If only they could make you half as charming.
ZANE
It’s a gift and a curse.
KATE
Your Kabul mission was a world-class disaster! How does it
feel to have sired one of the most notorious sets of triplets
ever to gun down a UN Secretary General?
ZANE
Kabul? But this is my first mission.
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 11.
KATE
Sure. And who says unprotected sex with a dictator’s
daughter could in any way lead to full-tilt iceberg melt
and a global temperature spike of 35 degrees Klivan?
Klivan?
ZANE
Kate peeks into the attache case,
showing a twinge of satisfaction.
KATE
On the plus side, we got Hans Solo.
(she slams the case shut)
But, it’s in you we trust, Zane, to clean up the, uh,
hypothetical futurial mess.
By any means necessary!
ZANE
KATE
No! We’ve planned this one down to the last umlaut.
She hands him a pound of condoms.
May I speak freely?
ZANE
KATE
Are you asking, in a philosophical sense, is your life
predetermined so that anything you say will have already
been said in the future before you say it in the present?
Am I?
ZANE
KATE
It’s unclear. So many damn vectors.
Kate hands him an envelope.
My orders?
ZANE
KATE
Read them, then eat them.
Kate hands him a photo.
My target?
ZANE
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 12.
KATE
Find him, then take him out to dinner.
Kate hands him a pouch.
My antacid?
ZANE
KATE
A pack of Gauloises. Thanks to the Soviets, these are gold in
Prague. So when a man in a plaid scarf asks you for a light-ZANE
Ah. Prague. The Athens of Eastern Europe.
KATE
Yeah. We thought Kabul, but, hey. Vectors.
ZANE
(off the photo:) My target?
KATE
Careful. He has a cobra’s cunning and a heart of ice.
This is... Liberace.
ZANE
KATE
Perhaps you’ve heard of a band called “the Beatles”?
ZANE
Of course. John, Paul, George, Ringo-KATE
And Liberace. They call him “the Silver Beatle.” He’s
plotting to replace Ringo on drums.
Liberace plays piano.
ZANE
KATE
Only as a cover. You must stop him, before he assassinates
Prince Carlos of Ramirez on their Argentine tour.
ZANE
I just take him to dinner?
KATE
Not “just”! Study this handbook. Start in this plaza, map C,
coordinates 730 by 3610. Find this man, photo 526F. Charm him
with these aphorisms--
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 13.
ZANE
Yeah yeah, bazaar, snakes, rickshaw, baccarat, arms dealer,
speed boat, I know the drill.
Houseboat.
Close enough.
No it’s not! Say it.
Houseboat.
Speed boat?
Houseboat!
And, dinner.
And then I come home?
KATE
ZANE
KATE
ZANE
KATE
ZANE
KATE
ZANE
KATE
I cannot over-emphasize the importance of this dinner.
And then I come home.
ZANE
KATE
It’s got to be a doozy of a dinner.
And then I--
ZANE
KATE
Put this lethal poison in his coffee. Steal his microfilm.
Break his drumsticks. Erase any trace of your presence.
And then--
ZANE
KATE
If you succeed, an environmentalist named Alvin Gore will
become our Commander in Chief and savior.
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 14.
Never heard of the man.
ZANE
KATE
Believe me, you’d want to hear of him, if you came from a
place where every sunrise is blocked by a toxic gas cloud and
only the rich can afford clean air.
You mean, LA?
ZANE
KATE
If this one goes south, Zane! You cannot imagine the carnage,
when the nation is invaded by an army of homeless walruses.
Zane stares at her.
KATE (cont’d)
Uh, potentially. I mean, everything has a knock-on effect.
Zane stares at her.
KATE (cont’d)
You know, the two roads divergey thing. Two, three, eighty,
whatever.
ZANE
Did I sleep through a final exam somewhere?
KATE
Just do exactly as you’re told this time. I mean, any time. I
mean, there’s only the one time-ZANE
Will it end in Prague I wonder, when there’s hearts and minds
to be won? Maybe you’ll find me in a Cambodian rice paddy,
breathing through a hollowed-out chopstick... Biding my time.
Kate looks at her watch, presses a
button or two.
Hold that thought.
KATE
Kate salutes him in a strange, one
might even say, futuristic, way and
exits. She comes back, grabs her gas
mask and re-exits.
Kate screams, OFF. Zane freezes.
TIME TRAVEL EFFECT.
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 15.
SCENE 3. MARCH 8, 1972. 19:15 HOURS.
TIME TRAVEL EFFECT. Zane unfreezes.
Kate enters, with an attache case,
wearing giant sunglasses. She takes
them off. Kate is perplexed to see the
case she left behind. Case? But, this
case. Why cases! For a moment her
instincts run haywire. Should she run?
Hide? Shoot him?
You were handling me--?
I was? Eww.
ZANE
KATE
ZANE
Houseboat, poison, drum sticks-Kate reels, with a strange sense of
deja vu. She jabs at her watch, grabs
Zane’s wrist to look at his watch, reorients.
KATE
Seven-fifteen? Skip the poison.
Trying to ignore the other case, Kate
thrusts a photo at Zane.
KATE (cont’d)
These guys? They’re a rag-tag bunch of cut-throat computer
geeks bumming around Europe on Spring break, about to design
a high tech weapon that will, did, could bring our country to
a standstill. It’s code-named Windows. Picture what happens,
could happen when, if, an argon-lucidium pulse blows, will
blow, blew up every gas tank in the United States!
What was the question?
ZANE
KATE
If you ever want to hail another taxi, penetrate that circle.
ZANE
I always love this moment.
KATE
What do you mean, always!
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 16.
ZANE
The just before. The on-the-verge. You’re setting out to do
the thing, but you have no way of knowing if you’ll be able
to do it. It could be amazing! It could go either way. But
after you do it, it’s done. You never get that chance to get
excited about the unknowing again.
KATE
Not exactly excited, no.
ZANE
You do lots of briefings.
You’ve no idea.
KATE
ZANE
After a while they must all seem alike.
KATE
You’d think. Yet somehow each stands out, its own garish
spectacle of colossal disaster.
ZANE
Speaking of colossal, do I get time off for bad behavior?
There’s no time.
KATE
ZANE
I can always squeeze something in.
KATE
No you can’t. And no bloodbaths! Whether you need them or not.
ZANE
Bureaucrats! You suck the fun out of everything.
KATE
All a person has to do is murder Liberace. But it’s a poison
dart into a Buddhist wedding, leading to the great Rice Riots
of ‘75 and now we’re practically bankrupt, paying the Khmers
their $7 billion ransom-WHAT?
ZANE
KATE
Is that the worst of it? Oh no. How about the time, I’ll
never forget, back when we let you read your own maps--
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 17.
Excuse me?
ZANE
KATE
The border closings, which led to the extinctions-- Oh we got
pandas back, but you have to turn Sweden against Algeria-Kidnap your own tailor!?
ZANE
You sure you’ve got the right Archibald?
KATE
For once can you FOLLOW ORDERS? Like a robot, OK! An old
school robot, not the sexy, thinking kind.
ZANE
Kate. Is there something you’re not telling me?
KATE
Don’t be ridiculous. Everything here is perfectly 1972.
Kate sits, overwhelmed.
ZANE
If you tell me, you’ll have to kill me?
Oh I wish I could.
KATE
ZANE
I admire that in a woman.
KATE
Not that it’s an option. I mean, then what. I might never
even be born in that orphanage.
Zane reaches into the case and takes
out a large coin. Kate jumps up.
ZANE
What’s this? A token? A talisman, a way to say, even though
we’re sending you out into the cold, barren world of the
enemy, you’re the best, and sleep tight.
KATE
From the boys in the lab.
ZANE
I didn’t know they cared.
In extremis.
KATE
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 18.
Excuse me?
Maximum overdrive.
Say again?
With extreme prejudice.
ZANE
KATE
ZANE
KATE
ZANE
That’s how I roll. Got any more euphemisms?
KATE
It’s the persuader you use when you get to the end of the
foreign language phrase book.
Oh! A grenade.
ZANE
KATE
Call it a noisy and just dessert. Careful!
ZANE
So now it’s dinner. Penetrate. Dot dot dot. Grenade.
Zane fiddles with the grenade.
STOP! No! You fool--!
KATE
Kate mashes buttons on her watch. Zane
freezes.
TIME TRAVEL EFFECT.
Kate doesn’t so much as scream as
express great but familiar pain.
Zane unfreezes. Zane takes a large
coin out of the case.
ZANE
What’s this? A token? A talisman?
KATE
It’s an almost idiot-proof weapon. From the boys in the lab.
ZANE
I didn’t know they cared.
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 19.
Zane fiddles with the grenade.
KATE
Stop! For the love of-- Argh!
Kate mashes buttons on her watch. Zane
freezes.
TIME TRAVEL EFFECT. Kate yells as
before.
Zane unfreezes. The coin has vanished.
AGENT BOFFIN enters, in a lab coat,
with an identical case to the other
two.
Kate panics as her mind nearly
explodes.
Agent Boffin!
Kate, Boffin.
BOFFIN?
Boffin.
Boffin?
Boffin.
ZANE
(introducing Boffin to Kate)
KATE
BOFFIN
(introducing himself to Kate)
KATE
(to her watch)
BOFFIN
(agreeing)
Kate puts her hands over her ears.
Boffin gingerly takes a large coin out
of the box.
ZANE
I’ll take that, Boffin. What is it? A token? A-KATE
IT’S A FRACKING GRENADE.
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 20.
So now it’s dinner--
ZANE
Kate mashes buttons on her watch.
Boffin and Zane freeze.
Kate loads up with two cases, exits.
Screams (OFF).
TIME TRAVEL EFFECT, twice. All
unfreeze. Kate enters.
He’s still here.
Boffin.
Boffin--
KATE
BOFFIN
(introducing himself to Kate)
ZANE
KATE
That will be all, Boffin!
She yanks the case out of Boffin’s
hands and pushes him out. Boffin exits
with Kate behind.
Kate screams mildly, off. Zane
freezes.
TIME TRAVEL EFFECT. Kate marches back
in.
Zane unfreezes. He’s still holding the
coin.
Oh! A grenade.
ZANE
KATE
GIVE ME THAT! You’re like an imbecilic chimpanzee!
Kate snatches the coin from his hand.
Maybe slaps the hand.
KATE (cont’d)
And this is my fault?
(at her watch)
Fate of mankind? Sure, Commander, wire me up. No torture
required!
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 21.
ZANE
And this will help us win the Cold War?
KATE
Screw the Cold War. We need to stop a much hotter war. People
doing terrible things. Flying planes into buildings, leaving
suitcases full of Nasty in crowded tunnels, gassing meter
maids-- I mean dreadful, rotten, depraved-- We’ll have so
many kinds of fear we’ll have to color code! And the color
code will need constant upgrades. You’re going to infiltrate
the very circle where it all began. Uh, begins. Could
conceivably begin.
ZANE
You’re quite the expert on could and/or will.
KATE
That’s Intelligence, Zane. Figure out what they’re about to
do and do it to them first.
Why?
ZANE
KATE
We got why up the wazoo. We’re after the who what where and
how can we stop it.
When?
As soon as possible.
ZANE
KATE
ZANE
Can I have my passport, dark lady?
KATE
No. You can have Jerry Jboingo’s.
What’s that?
ZANE
KATE
A pack of cyanide pills. Disguised as Cherry Pez.
ZANE
To say, you’re sending a seven-year old to do a man’s job?
Don’t even start.
KATE
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 22.
ZANE
Right. Questions are way above my pay grade.
KATE
Do you know anything about protocols! The Seven Laws of Space
Time?
(secretively)
They punish, you know-- In very creative ways. You should see
that lab. Every time I think they’ve gone through every pose
in the manual, they change it up again.
Kate starts to raise her shirt to show
Zane something, but he looks right
through her.
ZANE
Sure. To you, I’m a drone.
Kate reconsiders.
KATE
Fine! Fine! Let me be very vague.
(intensely)
Most people live tiny lives, Zane, about as meaningful as a
fortune cookie. But every now and millennium, there’s this
one-in-a-billion burst of starshine on earth. Maybe it’s
nurture and maybe genetics, maybe it’s early childhood
nutrition, or even a higher power, but they’re the special
Ones, Zane. The gifted Ones. The Ones who count.
ZANE
Stop changing the subject.
KATE
And there’s a moment in this charmed life, I can’t stick my
neck out too far here, but maybe, hypothetically, there’s a,
a temporal vortex if you will, an exact place, day and hour-Why not--
ZANE
KATE
--in the life of this almost messianic individual, when he,
or she, with the right handling, can honest to god redredge
the course of human events. I’m just saying. Perhaps someone
like you, Zane. You!
ZANE
If I’m the best man for the job, tell me what’s going on!
“Best”?
KATE
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 23.
See!
ZANE
KATE
You are the only man for the job. The only. Trust me! If we
had any choice at all-ZANE
Why should I believe you?
KATE
Let’s just say there’s a luminous but shadowy brain trust and
literally a million computer models with their money on you.
ZANE
I know that you know that I know there’s more to this than
meets the eye.
KATE
You’ll take orders and like it, Jboingo!
ZANE
There were rumors, at the Academy. That we have a, a.
A, what, what? Go on.
KATE
ZANE
Sure. People come up with all kinds of crazy, metaphysically
impossible ideas. Thing is, Kate. I don’t think I’m crazy.
They share a silence, which gives way
to a new, quiet intimacy between them.
Something has changed.
KATE
Dammit Zane! They can’t handle another tsunami of Temporal
Feedback. I can only hint. So, shh. Between the lines now.
ZANE
Between the lines is my middle name.
KATE
If “we” could somehow “travel” to the “future” and back.
Perhaps we’d see that “time” is actually moldable, like an
artificial spleen, and you’d want to pinpoint, with surgical
precision, exactly when to carve into the spewing artery of
horrifying events before they-Ahh... Ohh... Aha.
ZANE
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 24.
YES.
KATE
ZANE
I read that book at Princeton! Being and Time. Mind blowing,
Kate. Like reading a Jimi Hendrix solo.
Nope. Wrong. Nothing has changed.
Well. Hey.
KATE
ZANE
See, our entire perception of “linear time” is meaningless-KATE
Tell you what, Zane. Let’s get going, and I promise, you can
shake your Princeton all over me on the way to the airport.
Kate exits rapidly, with whatever
she can carry.
Kate screams, OFF. Zane freezes.
Long TIME TRAVEL EFFECT.
SCENE 4. MARCH 8, 1972. 19:00.
JANE bursts in. Her hair is a horror
show, face sooty. She wears a sack
of a dress, or severe, tattered
uniform, and may have just fought
her way out of shock treatment.
JANE
Archibald! You’re our only hope!
ZANE
Boffin? No. You must be-- Ms. Welles.
JANE
That tramp? I’m her replacement, Dr. Coldberg.
Ms. Cold--
ZANE
JANE
Doctor! It’s Doctor Coldberg you arrogant piece of kirk.
Shut your frinkhole, Zane. Read ‘em and run.
Zane scans the mission papers.
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 25.
ZANE
Dinner at the Tropicana in Havana.
JANE
Lemme see that. Oh Havana. The nightlife. The glamour.
Potable water! I want it so bad I can taste it. No I can’t,
my taste buds are gone. Fredo Castro, what a prince.
You mean Fidel Castro?
ZANE
JANE
Fidel. The genius who enslaved half the hemisphere in cigar
factories and covered the rest in cigar factories. Hey,
Liberace! Which part of “domino theory” did you not understand?
WHAT?
ZANE
JANE
(banging her watch)
I mean “potentially.” Jengas! What’s wrong with this thing?
The dinner. Black tie?
ZANE
JANE
Grey tie. They’re a poor country.
ZANE
After dinner. Do I terminate him?
No.
Kill the hostess?
JANE
ZANE
JANE
What the hipaa is wrong with you?
Torch the restaurant--
ZANE
JANE
READ THE ORDERS, you son of a bling.
ZANE
I’ve never taken a life. I’m trained to kill, with my bare
hands and a stick of gum, if necessary. But to end a life, no
matter how heinous, and die-worthy--
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 26.
JANE
(shaking him by his polyester lapels)
This is the opposite of killing! It’s a charm offensive!
Treat this guy like he’s the second coming of the Garden of
Olives.
And then I come home.
ZANE
JANE
Are you high? Then he takes you to his mountaintop lair.
Sneak up to the roof where he hides the laser cannons. At
your signal we rain down hepfire and blow up the entire
glangadang mountain.
ZANE
Before they blow up one of our mountains.
JANE
Try, the Rockies, the Pyrenees, the Alps, and what used to
be Mount Everett.
And then I come home.
ZANE
JANE
Then things will pan out. As they fracking always do and
usually to a hankish end.
ZANE
Where can I pick up a grey tie?
JANE
There’s a kiosk in the Pan Am terminal. Have they built that
yet? Do they still use the word “kiosk”? Oh. Are people still
bathing in those sweet, self-indulgent concepts like
“marshmallows”? Oh, oh-- (giggling hysterically)
“Furniture”?... “Pillow fights”?
ZANE
(chuckling:) “Twinkies”?
JANE
(dead sober:) Thank GOD for Twinkies. Take these.
Cigarettes? I don’t--
ZANE
JANE
Carfacks! What kind of agency would give you cigarettes
that look like cigarettes? They’re flares. It’s how we find
the fricken mountaintop lair.
(MORE)
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 27.
JANE (cont'd)
(she cups his hand around a cigarette)
Once you’re on the roof light it, and press, right here.
Here.
ZANE
JANE
Here! HERE! Oh, you must be dynamite in the sack.
Well I--
ZANE
JANE
Here! It will send up a beacon so we can find you.
Hopefully before they see who sent up the beacon.
What are my chances?
ZANE
JANE
Sure, things happen. But you’ve got reflexes, right? Like
one of those extinct mammals with the claws.
ZANE
I wonder sometimes, about them.
JANE
Which them? The ones who stockpile weapons so high, the
only way to find your butt is to start a war? Who use their
children as human shields, then glow-in-the-dark human
drones? Or did you mean the titan robot overlords? The
flesh-eating spiders? It’s all a blur at this point.
ZANE
Why can’t they want what we want?
JANE
Sure. We’ll discuss the crap out of that when you get back.
So, I’m coming back?
ZANE
JANE
Who the hell knows? I haven’t slept in a month.
(her watch buzzes, emphatically)
Holy Creigton. This can’t be good.
Jane exits, screams OFF.
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 28.
SCENE 5. MARCH 8, 1972. 19:00.
AGENT BOFFIN comes in, silently, in
black clothing.
ZANE
Hello. Are you, you’re not Miss, Mizz-Agent Boffin in very few moves
handcuffs Zane’s hands behind his
back, puts a hood over his head,
hoists him over his shoulder and
carries him out.
Zane struggles and screams, OFF.
SCENE 6. MARCH 8, 1972. 19:00.
TIME TRAVEL EFFECT.
Zane enters, stares poetically into
the middle distance, dumb, perhaps,
but achingly handsome. His watch alarm
goes off and he silences it,
gracefully.
ZANE
Archibald champs at the bit, a patriotic thoroughbred, ready
to burst through the starting gate of his first mission. But
there’s another stallion, on their side, racing for the same
brass ring. What color, his saddle? How tall his jockey?
Kate enters. She passes her watch over
Zane’s forehead, surreptitiously reads
his temperature, shakes it down.
KATE
Zane, Zane. Musing again?
ZANE
How do you mean, “again”?
KATE
They tell me you mused your way through the Academy. You were
the only student to preface every martial arts move with a
pithy comment about the meaning of life. Your musing
graduation speech is still mused about.
ZANE
I’ve been pondering the question of--
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 29.
KATE
I know, I know! “Us versus them.” Right?
ZANE
I was going to say, us versus-KATE
Got it in one. Whenever you look into the middle distance,
with that chin, it’s the “Us versus Them.” Occasionally the
“Being and Time.”
We just met, right?
Kate. Kate Welles.
ZANE
KATE
ZANE
You seem jumpy, Mizz Welles. Neck rub?
Zane may be healthy, but Kate is no
longer immune to his charms.
KATE
Ha. Ha! You wanna see jumpy? Come back with me for a debrief.
(a bit flustered)
OK, let me guess. Which them, which them.
Which--
ZANE
KATE
The them who hide the weapons of mass destruction amidst the
innocents and weaks? The they who prize death more than life,
long as it’s somebody else’s? Or is it the Soviets, why they
pay so much to get into our blue jeans?
ZANE
Yes. Why do they live out of-KATE
Suitcases? Out of luck. Out of their minds?
ZANE
Out of time. They’ve erected walls around themselves like
it’s a thousand years in the past.
KATE
With your help those walls could come down.
Right on down.
ZANE
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 30.
Way down down.
You have my orders.
Right here.
KATE
ZANE
KATE
ZANE
What are the odds on me coming back.
KATE
I don’t know. What are the odds on me coming back?
Do I get a vote?
Everyone gets a vote.
ZANE
KATE
ZANE
Not over there. That’s why we do this. In the words of-KATE
Shh. The better part of Intelligence is knowing when to
shut up.
Kate laughs, too much. She suddenly
pulls him close and kisses him hard.
They’re both a little shocked to
find themselves making out.
Um... Mizz Welles?
Kate!
ZANE
KATE
ZANE
What are we doing, Kate? This is a vital, vital mission,
right?
KATE
We have thirty minutes. You’re about to destroy a large
African republic, armed with nothing but your rapier wit
and a truckload of nuclear explosives. Enough musing!
But--
ZANE
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 31.
I’ve had all my shots!
KATE
ZANE
Aren’t we violating, something?
KATE
(kicking off her shoes)
Zane. Do you have any idea what you’re doing to me?
Sorry?
ZANE
KATE
You think “jet lag” is a bitch--!
Excuse me?
ZANE
KATE
And every time we do this, it gets harder to put you on that
plane like I don’t care.
ZANE
OK... I’m very unclear on where you’re going with this.
Kate’s watch buzzes emphatically.
KATE
But what really pisses me off is we can’t get it right! Every
single glangadang mix of weaponry, gadgetry, witty repartee-And EVERY SINGLE TIME you come back in a-ZANE
Don’t finish that sentence.
Kate throws her watch across the room.
KATE
At this point I’ll try anything! Screw them, you know?
Breaking the rules is all I have left!
Are you saying--?
ZANE
KATE
Ooh, the Agency’s shoddily-kept Big Secret! As if they know
anything. As if there’s any way to account for the infinite
variables that infect other variables which collide with-Yes?
ZANE
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 32.
KATE
You know how many ways we tried to kill Hitler?
No?
Twenty-nine minutes!
ZANE
KATE
ZANE
It is my duty to sacrifice myself for a better tomorrow.
Zane pulls her back. There may be
breakaway clothing involved. BLACK
OUT.
SFX: NOISY SEX AND OTHER NOISES
TIME TRAVEL EFFECT.
LIGHTS UP.
Zane gets up with Jane. She cleans
up nice. They gaze at each other in
a powerful silence. Jane’s watch
buzzes, breaking the spell.
JANE
Ganglang saxing kirk to hep. BEES!?
Wow!
ZANE
Jane exits, screams, OFF. Zane
straightens himself up, freezes.
TIME TRAVEL EFFECT.
SCENE 7. MARCH 8, 1972. 19:00.
Zane unfreezes as JANE enters with
KATE. Zane snaps to attention.
JANE
Archibald, meet your partner, Special Agent Welles.
ZANE
I’ve been trained to work alone.
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 33.
JANE
Yeah. Boy. Woo! Did we get that whole non-interference, time
paradox thing wrong.
Special Agent Welles.
ZANE
KATE
Use my alias. Heidegger. Dolly Heidegger.
ZANE
Call me-- What is my alias?
You decide.
Ugh. Me, decide?
JANE
ZANE
KATE
Maybe something you read?
ZANE
(thinking hard)
How about... H.G. Wells.
She’s Welles.
Sorry.
He can have it.
JANE
ZANE
KATE
JANE
This is the most critical mission in the history of ever.
Failure guarantees a hellish future for every soul left
alive, and the living will envy the dead.
(Zane waits for a “but”)
Well. At least you got her.
ZANE
You have my flow chart, and the cue cards, and my
electroshock belt? I’ll start memorizing right now.
JANE
You’re going on a photo shoot. With Agent Heidegger.
ZANE
I see. We find “Photo”, shoot him--
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 34.
JANE
In the sense of, taking pictures.
ZANE
Of people we want to kill?
Of happy things.
Silly things.
Sorry?
JANE
KATE
ZANE
JANE
Lovers laughing. Children on swings.
Puppies piddling.
KATE
JANE
Cyclists in the public gardens-ZANE
Then smash the cyclist cartel?
JANE
It’s a new, emerging form of counter-terrorism. We collect
evidence of “happy”, so later, when they’re looking for
someone to blame-ZANE
Later? You mean, in some, hypothetical “future”?
JANE
Such a grasp of metaphysics!
ZANE
My thesis at the Academy was on the poetry of cause and
effect in Being and Time.
We know.
A thing of beauty.
“A-plus.”
KATE AND JANE
JANE
KATE
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 35.
JANE
Y’see, they’ll be confused by their pain. They think they’ll
feel better if they try to, might even, did, destroy us.
KATE
But the pictures, the evidence, if we share, you know,
memories of a simpler time, they might see it in a new light.
JANE
And then we show them our home movies.
Huh.
ZANE
JANE
Because we all have families, we all have things we like to
do on weekends, everyone likes ice cream.
KATE
And we can agree to disagree on Jerry Lewis.
JANE
Think of it as love-bombing. But first. You find these three
women.
KATE
And we take them to dinner.
ZANE
As long as you order. And then we--?
He makes a “cut the throat” gesture.
JANE
Then you meet their circle.
KATE
And we all bond over some Chardonnay and a good cry. And
share our visions of a peaceful and verdant future, and past,
and present-JANE
It all depends where you’re standing-(beat; to Kate:)
It’s you, you know.
What is?
KATE
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 36.
The “One”.
JANE
(beat)
It’s always been you. Not him.
... Me?
And then we--?
KATE
ZANE
Pause. Kate’s taking it all in.
I’m the--.
Yes.
ME?
KATE
JANE
KATE
JANE
What can I tell you. It’s not an exact science.
What’s not?
ZANE
KATE
(pause)... Me, you say. Me.
Jane shrugs. Pause.
Don’t screw it up.
JANE
Kate performs some kind of victory
dance. Maybe just in her head.
Heck YEAH!
And then we--
KATE
ZANE
KATE
(to Jane:) ... I’m not going back, you know.
JANE
Of course I know. That’s how we know--
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 37.
I don’t want to know!
And then we-- WHAT!
KATE
ZANE
JANE
In nine months, max, we straighten out the whole, glangadang
mess.
KATE
But only... if we start right now.
ZANE
What makes you so sure this will work?
KATE
Zane. If you can’t learn from your future, you won’t have a
past.
ZANE
Or. The other way around.
They all listen to their watches,
smile, then freeze.
END OF PLAY.
ZANE TO GATE 69 (blind) 38.
IMPORTANT PRODUCTION NOTES (and spoilers).
Kate is a time traveler. Each of her arrivals and exits to
and from the future, via her superior futuristic time machine
technology (offstage), must be signaled to the audience. TIME
TRAVEL EFFECT cues in the script signify those time travel
arrivals and departures. The Time Travel Effect can be as
simple (flashy lights, slide whistle, chime) or as elaborate
(go for it) as desired. Kate’s screams (off) signify the
painful nature of this travel.
Kate wears a prominent “watch” (really superior futuristic
technology and a communication-through-time device) whose
purposes are conveyed by her using it for various actions
(scanning etc) and pressing buttons. During the scene in
which time resets repeatedly, the audience’s sense of the
“watch” will help signify that maybe it also has the ability
to allow for impromptu time travel (probably because they
keep improving it in the future). The “watch” also shows Kate
texts from the future as to the outcomes of Zane’s impending
missions, though because of time paradox laws he must
actually complete those missions in order for the future to
get worse before it gets better.
Almost every scene starts at exactly the same time, with Zane
in the “present” of 1972. A repeated, grounding cue should
telegraph this. Some suggestions: Zane’s alarm watch goes
off, and he silences it; a ticking clock or projection shoots
back to the time, or sounds a little alarm; Zane strikes a
certain frozen pose that repeats.