1. society
2. social institution
3. marriage

The Infidelity Epidemic
Presented by
Dr. Deanna Sims, LPC
16800 N. Dallas Parkway, Suite 150
Dallas, TX 75248
972-733-7242 · fax 972-733-7257
[email protected]
www.DrDeannaSims.com
Infidelity Statistics
 Vaughan (2003) reported 60% of men and 40% of women have
extramarital affairs
 The General Social Survey (2003) reported that 15% to 18% of
individuals have affairs during the course of marriage
Chart: Staheli (1995)
Survey
Men
Women
1948 Kinsey
Report
50%
26%
1970’s Hunt
Survey
41%
25%
1983 American
Couples
29%
25%
Hite Report
1981,1987
72%
70%
1993 Janus
Report
33%
25%
Reasons for Discrepancies in
Statistics
Secrecy of
Affairs
Underreporting
of Sexual
Issues
Shame &
Guilt
Discrepancies
in Statistics
Society values monogamy
 85% of people polled value
faithfulness in a marriage
(Pittman, 1989)
Possible Explanations for the
Prevalence of Affairs
 Breakdown of the marital institution
 Multiple marital vulnerabilities
 Reduced stigma of divorce
 Increase in cultural entitlement
 Media sensationalism of affairs
 More women in the workplace
 Increase in workplace affairs
Infidelity in the Movies
 494 movies depict infidelity in their content
 Fatal Attraction
 Bridges of Madison County
 The Prince of Tides
 Brokeback Mountain
 Out of Africa
 Walk the Line
Grim Statistics
 Most affairs do NOT turn into healthy,
monogamous relationships
 90% of affair-born relationships
terminate and do not turn into a
marriage
 Of the remaining 10%, 3 of 4 will end in
divorce
Staheli (1995)
Affair-born relationships are doomed and
damaged from the beginning because of:
Secrecy
Dishonesty
Underdeveloped trust
Unrealistic expectations
Fantasy or “vacation-like” experience
Quotation
“Throughout all cultures, in
all great literature, infidelity
is rarely rewarded.”
---Frank Pittman in Private Lies: Infidelity and the
Betrayal of Intimacy (1989, p. 29)
Understanding the Betrayed Spouse
Anger
 Anger is a normal phase of grieving
 Anger helps push the betrayed spouse past
sadness and depression
 Anger is a morally neutral emotion
 Anger is a negatively charged emotion
 If patients get stuck in their anger or if it is left
unaddressed or invalidated, it can lead to
bitterness.
Mountaintop Phenomenon
 Betrayed spouses often desire validation and
vindication after discovery of an affair
 Mountaintop Phenomenon refers
metaphorically to the desire to “shout from a
mountaintop” for all to hear one’s pain after being
wronged by infidelity
(Sims, 2011)
Three characteristics that
all affairs share:
Secrecy
Lies
Violation of trust
(Sims, 2011)
Responsibility for the affair
always lies with the straying
spouse and affair partner.
Betrayed spouses are never
responsible for the affair.
Psychological Understanding
of Affair Behaviors
 An unhealthy defense mechanism for low self
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esteem, feelings of inadequacy or inferiority
An irrational response to marital problems
An inability to achieve a genuine measure of
emotional vulnerability needed to sustain a
healthy, monogamous relationship
An attempt to find meaning in irrelevant places
A sign of self-dissatisfaction or a behavioral
pattern that seeks self-satisfaction (Earle & Crow, 1989)
Types of Affairs
 The Fling
 Serial Affairs
 Romantic Affairs
 Long Term Affairs
 Exit Affairs
 Retaliatory Affairs
Sims, 2011
The Fling
 Short term affair
 Can be a “one night stand”
 Lack of emotional commitment to affair partner
 Impulsive, reckless, hedonistic
 Least “serious” of the affair types
 Can be a warning sign for serial affairs
Serial Affairs
 Multiple, repetitive affairs over the course of a
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marriage
Men are more likely to have serial affairs
2/3 of men who had affairs had multiple affairs
25% of men who had affairs, had 4+ affairs
15% of women who had affairs had 1 to 3 affairs
on average
Staheli (1995)
Serial Affairs
 Straying individuals are typically avoiding intimacy
with their spouses with serial affairs
 They choose shallow, uncommitted relationships with
affair partners
 They toggle back and forth between marriage and
mistress
 No emotional investment with affair partner (like the
fling)
(Subotnik & Harris, 2005)
Serial Affairs
 No intention of leaving the marriage or getting a
divorce
 Because of repetitive lying and violation of trust,
the threat to marriage is greater with serial affairs
than with the fling.
 Despite the lack of commitment to the affair
partner, the marital vow has been breached (often
repeatedly).
Sexual Addiction
 3-5% of Americans (over 15 million people)
experience sexual addiction and compulsivity
symptoms
 This is a conservative estimate because it only
reflects those who seek treatment
Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH)
Sexual Addiction
 Most sex addicts share the common trait of
coming from a family of origin where physical,
emotional, or sexual abuse by a parent occurred,
or a parent was addicted or displayed compulsive
tendencies. (Earle & Crow, 1989)
 Some sex addicts develop addictive behavioral
patterns out of protective measures to shield
themselves from abuse or out of habit of
mimicking parents.
Seeds of Addiction
From Earle and Crowe (1989, p. 28):
 A tendency to hold low opinions of themselves and to
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constantly remind themselves of their deficiencies
Distorted or unrealistic beliefs about themselves, their
behavior, other people, and the events that occur in
the world around them
A desire to escape from or to suppress unpleasant
emotions
Difficulty coping with stress; at least one powerful
memory of an intense high experienced at a crucial
time in their lives and an ever-present desire to
recapture the euphoric feeling
An uncanny ability to deny that they have a problem
Romantic Affairs
 Characterized by more emotional investment in the
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affair partner than flings or serial affairs
Straying spouses believe the romance is real.
Straying spouses glorify and sensationalize the
relationship.
Straying spouses are often so caught up in the
irrational feelings that they contemplate leaving their
marriage and marrying their lover. (Subotnik & Harris, 2005)
Straying spouses are often preoccupied with
incorporating the affair into their lives. (Subotnik & Harris, 2005)
The clandestine and novel nature of the romantic
affair often makes it tantalizing and adds to the
irrational belief system that the romantic feelings are
pure and real.
Romantic Affairs
 Some romantic affairs do turn into long term
affairs.
 What straying spouses do not realize is that the
romantic affair is originating out of secrecy and
mistrust and this prohibits the likeliness of a long
term healthy, monogamous relationship being
sustained.
 Straying spouses can seem mesmerized with
their lovers, using emotionally charged language
(He is my “soulmate”; “I have never felt this way
before”).
Long Term Affairs
 Clandestine relationships that last years, and
sometimes decades
 The straying spouse is emotionally invested with
the affair partner.
 Long term affairs pose the greatest risk to the
integrity of the marriage because of the emotional
investment and duration of the affair.
Is Male Monogamy Biological?
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Two chemicals are released in the brain during
male mating habits:
Dopamine
Vasopressin
Prairie voles have a longer vasopressin receptor
gene (associated with monogamy)
Montane voles have a shorter vasopressin
receptor gene (associated with promiscuity)
Brizendine (2010)
Male Monogamy
 It appears that a longer version of the vasopressin
receptor gene is associated with monogamous sexual
mating behaviors and shorter genes are connected
with having multiple sexual partners.
 Brizendine (2010) noted a Swiss study that found
men who had longer vasopressin receptor genes
were 2x as likely to leave singlehood and commit for a
lifetime for a women.
 “So when it comes to fidelity, the joke
among female scientists is that ‘longer is
better,’ at least when it comes to the length
of the vasopressin receptor gene”
(Brizendine, 2010, p. 60).
Other Affairs
 Exit affair: an affair that someone participates in with
the intent to destroy and leave the marriage
 Affair partner often chosen at random, the first
available to show interest
 Retaliatory affair: a revenge affair participated in to
hurt the spouse who had the first affair.
 Affair partner may be chosen randomly, someone who
is easily accessible for a quick sexual encounter. Or
the affair partner may be hand-selected (i.e. a family
member, neighbor, or ex-lover) to visibly inflict a high
degree of emotional pain and punishment on the
spouse.
Discovery of an Affair
 Discovery of a mate’s affair is the beginning of an arduous
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journey of pain and suffering.
Discovery can be a long-term process of encountering
clues and warning signs of infidelity over a period of time
or
Discovery can be an immediate shock and surprise (i.e.,
finding your spouse in bed with a lover).
Retrospective insight is always more clear when evaluating
infidelity in a marriage.
Help patients eliminate “should” statements (i.e., “I should
have been able to see the signs”).
Remind patients that all affairs are born out of secrecy and
lies and are difficult to predict.
(Sims, 2011)
Understanding the Straying Spouse’s
Behaviors
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Outbursts of anger and cruel comments were noted in straying spouses
prior to discovery (during the affair) and post discovery of the affair.
Possible theories for this are:
The psychological burden of carrying on a duplicitous relationship
becomes draining on the straying partner and he lashes out at the “safe”
spouse.
The straying spouse is pushing the marital partner away with hurtful
comments or anger.
Interpersonal effectiveness may be compromised.
Inability to convey needs properly, thus anger is displaced onto the
spouse
Lack of respect for their marital partner
A pattern of mistreatment of others witnessed in the family of origin
A dislike of oneself
A desire to leave the relationship
(Sims, 2011)
To Stay or Go?
 Therapists will ultimately aid the patient in
processing an important decision: to stay in the
marriage, to separate temporarily, or to file for
divorce
 Each individual must make his/her own choice
about reconciliation or termination
Disclosure of an Affair
 Betrayed spouses should NOT “suffer in silence”.
 As Peggy Vaughan (2003) noted, break the “code
of secrecy” of affairs.
 Betrayed spouses need to process their thoughts
and feelings openly with others to achieve
therapeutic healing.
 Negative secrets promote feelings of shame,
anxiety, depression, guilt and inadequacy.
Disclosure
 Although exposing secrets (the affair) can be painful
initially, sharing is often followed by relief, as healing
is halted until the secret is revealed.
 Silence enables the straying spouse, especially when
addictive behaviors are involved.
 It would be inconsistent to expect the betrayed
spouse to not disclose the affair, when the straying
spouse is encouraged to be completely honest.
 Betrayed spouses are more likely to get support and
feedback after disclosure which aids in the healing
process.
Disclosure
 Straying spouses must disclose the affair so they can
begin demonstrating “complete and total honesty” and
re-building trust and faith in the relationship.
 No research suggests bottling up pain and omitting
discussion about trauma is therapeutic.
 Therapists in general support honesty and
transparency.
(Sims, 2011)
Disclosure
 It is important for the betrayed spouse to speak,
for he/she may unknowingly be sharing the story
with someone who may need to hear it or know it
at a later time.
 Sharing problems with others is a way to connect
with them and to role model for them.
(Sims, 2011)
5 Reasons to Share
In summary:
 Secrets are unhealthy
 Secrets are enabling
 Transparency is therapeutic
 Sharing promotes closeness to others
 Sharing offers the opportunity for role-modeling
Caveats for Disclosure
 In the midst of disorientation, sense of injustice,
and emotional rawness, it is an understatement
that discernment regarding disclosure may be
difficult.
 The key is determining a healthy mental poise of
revealing pain to others without contributing to the
already present damage of the affair.
Balance in Disclosing
___________________________X____________________________
Damage to Self
Secrecy
(Sims, 2011)
Balance
Damage to
Self-Others
Over-exposure
Guidelines for Disclosure with
Discernment
 Evaluate each situation on a case by case basis to
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determine if disclosure would be helpful.
Consider how sharing the affair with others will impact
them, you, and your spouse, say reconciliation
occurs.
Stay connected to your convictions
Make sure disclosure is not motivated by revenge or
other negative motives.
Avoid “spreading poison” that may leave you feeling
regretful later.
The decision whether to disclose can be a lesson in
“healing with humility” for the betrayed spouse.
The Affair Partner
 None are exempt from the vulnerabilities of
sexual misconduct—basically the affair partner
could be anyone.
 Affair partners are typically “inferior” to the
betrayed spouse.
 According to Carder(1992), affair partners are
usually financially inferior to the straying spouse,
especially when sexual addictions are present.
Quotation
 “I certainly have not found a
pattern of affair partners being
better-looking than marriage
partners, or nicer, or more
accomplished…To my subjective
eye, affairees have not tended to
be a startlingly good-looking
group”
From Dr. Frank Pittman, author of Private Lies: Infidelity
and the Betrayal of Intimacy (p. 42-43)
The Affair Partner
 Because relationships begun out of an affair rarely
turn into healthy marriages, the selection of an affair
partner is usually based on some idiosyncratic
unhealthy reason.
 Affair partners may initiate the affair or the straying
spouse may initiate the affair. This can influence
where the betrayed spouse’s anger is directed.
 Most affairs begin “at the water cooler”—meaning
they gradually develop and are typically not planned.
(exception—the retaliatory affair or exit affair)
The Affair Partner
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Affair partners are often chosen:
To supplement the marriage, rather than to
replace it
(exception: exit affairs)
To compensate for individual differences
To reconnect with former lovers
“Because they are available and willing” or
demonstrated attention to the straying spouse
Grieving the Affair
Certain characteristics of the affair partner can
contribute to “adding” layers of grief:
 If the affair partner is a friend of the betrayed
spouse
 If the affair partner has close proximity (neighbor,
coworker, church member)
 If the affair partner is a stripper or prostitute
 If the affair partner has been in your home
Grieving the Affair
 If the affair partner is of a different race or age
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(young or old)
If money or gifts were given to the affair partner
If trips were taken with the affair partner
If the affair partner is married
If the affair partner is unstable
If the affair partner is a religious leader
If the affair was homosexual in nature
If the affair partner passed along a sexually
transmitted disease
Should You Contact the Affair
Partner?
 Each situation needs to be examined on a case
by case basis.
 Most affair partners are unable to demonstrate
the empathy the betrayed spouse desires .
(Exception: when the affair partner was unaware
that the straying spouse is married.)
 The affair partner may or may not provide reliable
information.
 The affair partner may be emotionally unstable.
Defenses of the Betrayed Spouse
 It is a common defense mechanism after
discovery for betrayed spouses to “derogate” the
affair partner
 Some derogation provides humor and relief for
betrayed spouses
 Evaluate the length of time of this behavior to
avoid getting stuck in bitterness or devoting
excess psychological energy to the affair partner
Areas for Further Research
 A significant number of straying spouses choose
affair partners outside of their race.
 This can be an added obstacle for healing in the
therapy process for some betrayed spouses.
Vulnerability Factors
Vulnerability factors help us understand the
“whys” of affairs.
 Vulnerability factors are also called “transitional
anxieties” (Subotnik & Harris, 2005).
 Vulnerability factors may be actual events that
occur, or an event that does not happen.
Vulnerability Factors
 It is important to assess vulnerability factors in a
marriage—for “a good part of the solution is a
well defined problem.”
 Understanding vulnerability factors helps aid in
affair-prevention (by developing a treatment plan).
 Once vulnerability factors are defined, it is
imperative to discuss these issues. Waiting or
avoiding discussion is dangerous, especially if
affairs have previously occurred.
 Avoiding discussion hinders intimacy and reduces
the health of a relationship.
“Benefits” of Infidelity
Finding the Silver Lining
 Infidelity highlights conflict within an individual or in the
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marital relationship.
Infidelity can be a catalyst for getting a couple into therapy.
Infidelity can be a vehicle for bringing out troublesome
issues that need to be addressed in the marriage.
Infidelity may reveal some unresolved family of origin
wounds that were impeding marital intimacy which can be
addressed in therapy.
Infidelity often forces more communication which fosters
greater intimacy in a marriage.
Suffering in general is an opportunity for learning and
growing.
(Sims, 2011)