Koolest Kidnapping Ever a short story by Ed Coonce Koolest Kidnapping Ever When the Amazons came for me, I resisted. A little bit. Being snatched off my front porch at dusk didn’t happen all the time, but when I saw all those luscious towering females suddenly pile out of a Volkswagen van and storm up the driveway toward me, I almost dropped my beer. “Get in the van,” ordered Greta, who seemed to be the leader. I couldn’t stop looking at her red hair and Hello Kitty haltertop. I always thought Amazons were all brunettes. “Ok,” I replied, and hopped in the van. Two of the other captors, Mary Magdalene and her sister Maybelle, slapped me around a bit, then placed a GPS collar 1 around my neck. “Shut up,” Maybelle said. The old van sputtered and hiccuped all the way to the Amazon apartment complex, the cluster of big green buildings over at Broadway and East Hell Boulevard. I was ordered out and Greta attached a leash to my collar and ordered me to stay at her side and comply with all her demands, which I did, like a good boy, uncomplaining, for two months. I fixed the van. It ran smooth and quiet, and the girls were impressed. Of course, it all had to end sooner or later. The raid on the Amazon apartments came during the night. Don’t they always? I know, right? Once again, I was snatched from what had been my home, this time forced into an even stranger and noiaier smoke belching vehicle, an old black Peugeot, re-leashed and spirited away to a place up in the hills overlooking Beaver Creek. 2 The East Hell Midget Jell-O Wrestling camp. I’d heard about it, but just assumed it was your standard Olympic training facility. I stepped out of the car, straining at my leash. This time, I was nervous and not so sure this would be a good move. Apparently now the entire East Hell Midget Jell-O Wrestling team owned me. I had, in one moment, traversed the barrier between Amazons and midget Jell-O wrestlers. The first time I spoke out of turn, Lurleen, whose eyes were level with my navel, slapped me until I begged her to stop. “I’m offering to fix your car!” I yelled. “In a minute,” she said, then took a selfie of her bitchslapping me, then to add insult to injury, uploaded the picture to Amazongirls.com’s blog page. 3 I was able to read the comments and replies later. “Let us have him when you’re done,” said one. “Pathetic,” said another. I’m now planning my escape. Shouldn’t be too hard. Right? Just wait till the team is tired out from their frenetic jell-o wrestling schedule and walk away. As an alternate plan, I could find the school locker and its underground tunnel leading to the cliff I’d have to jump over to end up back in the big city, just like those dudes in “Under the Dome.” Yeah, that’s the plan. Gotta move fast. I’m outta here. 4 m © East Hell Productions www.edcoonce.com 2015