Koolest Kidnapping Ever

Koolest Kidnapping Ever
a short story by Ed Coonce
Koolest Kidnapping Ever
When the Amazons came for me, I
resisted. A little bit. Being snatched off
my front porch at dusk didn’t happen all
the time, but when I saw all those luscious towering females suddenly pile out
of a Volkswagen van and storm up the
driveway toward me, I almost dropped my
“Get in the van,” ordered Greta, who
seemed to be the leader. I couldn’t stop
looking at her red hair and Hello Kitty
haltertop. I always thought Amazons were
all brunettes.
“Ok,” I replied, and hopped in the
van. Two of the other captors, Mary
Magdalene and her sister Maybelle, slapped
me around a bit, then placed a GPS collar
around my neck. “Shut up,” Maybelle said.
The old van sputtered and hiccuped
all the way to the Amazon apartment complex, the cluster of big green buildings
over at Broadway and East Hell Boulevard. I was ordered out and Greta attached a leash to my collar and ordered
me to stay at her side and comply with
all her demands, which I did, like a good
boy, uncomplaining, for two months. I fixed
the van. It ran smooth and quiet, and the
girls were impressed.
Of course, it all had to end sooner
or later. The raid on the Amazon apartments came during the night. Don’t they
always? I know, right? Once again, I was
snatched from what had been my home,
this time forced into an even stranger
and noiaier smoke belching vehicle, an
old black Peugeot, re-leashed and spirited away to a place up in the hills
overlooking Beaver Creek.
The East Hell Midget Jell-O Wrestling camp. I’d heard about it, but just
assumed it was your standard Olympic
training facility. I stepped out of the
car, straining at my leash. This time, I
was nervous and not so sure this would be
a good move.
Apparently now the entire East Hell
Midget Jell-O Wrestling team owned me. I
had, in one moment, traversed the barrier
between Amazons and midget Jell-O wrestlers.
The first time I spoke out of turn,
Lurleen, whose eyes were level with my
navel, slapped me until I begged her to
“I’m offering to fix your car!” I
“In a minute,” she said, then took a
selfie of her bitchslapping me, then to
add insult to injury, uploaded the picture to Amazongirls.com’s blog page.
I was able to read the comments and
replies later. “Let us have him when you’re
done,” said one. “Pathetic,” said another.
I’m now planning my escape. Shouldn’t
be too hard. Right? Just wait till the
team is tired out from their frenetic
jell-o wrestling schedule and walk away.
As an alternate plan, I could find
the school locker and its underground tunnel
leading to the cliff I’d have to jump over
to end up back in the big city, just like
those dudes in “Under the Dome.”
Yeah, that’s the plan. Gotta move fast.
I’m outta here.
© East Hell Productions