You Wanna Be Me?
a short story by Ed Coonce
You Wanna Be Me?
I couldn’t help but notice you watching
me and trying to pretend you weren’t. It’s
Ok, happens all the time. I look familiar
to you? Yeah, I’ve been in the limelight
for a good while, now. I’m Lance Hanson,
East Hell Midget Jell-O Wrestling coach.
I’m a personal friend of Charlie Sheen.
Nice to meet you.
You saw me at GatorWorldVille? Yeah,
those were the days. Trying to manage gator
wrestlers on another planet is like,
well...being in the middle of a constant
war. You know that sooner or later, someone’s
gonna get an arm eaten off and you’re
gonna get sued and end up on a coffee
freighter back to earth.
Which Planet? Horizontal Stepsister
IV. Remember? Where they built all those
new Starbucks and Pinkberry franchises?
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I got sued and went broke during the
Oil Wars, decided to leave GatorWorldVille
and gator wrestling and found my calling,
Midget Jell-O wrestling. It’s a winner.
Those little ladies don’t bite as hard as
gators and are sweet and capable. You look
like you’re sweet and capable. No, I mean
it. Can I buy you a drink? No? Pinkberry?
Good. Oh, a bit hungry? How about one of
the Pinkberry one-handed waffle cones?
Sure. It’s on me.
Yeah, I wasn’t so famous at the start.
Not like I am now, but once you get the
feel and thrill of that lime Jell-O on
your bare skin, something happens. You just
can’t let it go.
It was my godsend. Transformed me
from just another gator wrestler into a
Bollywood-bound savior without a care. A
man’s man, if I say so myself.
Yeah, I was a favorite with the JellO Wrestling ladies who took me under their
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wing and helped me with my kleptomania
problem.
It was a sickness. I stole everything
around me that wasn’t nailed down; money,
clothes, time, hearts.
Yeah, the hearts were easy, you can’t
nail down a heart. They’re free flowing,
drifty-like, impossible to capture forever
and own. Everything’s just temporary.
Coconut Lemon waffle cookie? Uh, yeah.
You are one hungry girl. I like that.
Reminds me of my mother, rest her soul.
What? You wanna be a Jell-O wrestler?
Wow. I think I’ve seen it all, now. Ha!
Listen, baby, not everyone has what it
takes, I mean, look it you. You’re tall, and
thin. Those midgets will eat you alive.
Wait, here’s an idea. Want another
cookie? Yeah? Good. There might be a chance
for you. You wanna slip out of here and
take a dip in my Jell-O pool?
Boyfriend? Pffff! He’ll never be me,
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so get over him. Nobody will ever be Lance
Hanson. Girl, I think you’ve got what it
takes. Here, have another cookie and then
we’ll go.
Don’t worry about a bathing suit. I’ll
stop on the way home and steal you one.
Swallow that bite and give me a kiss.
© East Hell Productions
www.edcoonce.com
k
4
2014