1. family and parenting

Helping Hands
Spring 2015
Board of Directors
Paige Abramson Hirsch,
President
Beth Wolly, Secretary
Jennifer Gilbert, Treasurer
Members at Large:
Liz DeWinter
Sara Johnson
Ellen Kelly Daley,
Past President
Chris Lehr, LCSW,
LCS14838
San Francisco representative
Leslie Muennemann
Kristie Shulman, Santa Cruz
representative
Jessica Tolerba
Advisory Council
Kathleen Addison, MA,
MFT, MFC33312
Emily Corpos,
Past President
Laura Hawkins,
Past President
Eileen Healy, MA, MFT,
MFC31332
Michelle Hearn, MS, CGC,
Genetic Counselor
Gary Hoff, MD, OB/GYN
Jack Jensen, Crosby-N. Gray
Funeral Home
Wanda Lee, Ph.D.,
Professor, SFSU
Julie Mitra, Grupo Amparo
Mary-Ann Molloy,
Certified Nurse-Midwife
Gail M. Shak, Ph.D.
PSY 10401
Marilyn Swarts, RN, MS,
Childbirth Educator
Joseph Twicken, Ph.D.
Past Board Member
Grieving mom suggests do’s and
don’ts for friends and family
By Kate Babington
HAND of the Peninsula
My firstborn son, Luke, died on July 29, 2014, due to labor complications. I started writing this about three weeks later when anger
and frustration started to build. Anger at the world for being such a
harsh place for a grieving mother. Frustration that as I lay crying for
my son, my pain was made worse by people who were uncertain how
to react and how to support me but were unwilling to ask me for guidance. All of the examples are drawn from my actual experiences and
interactions.
Do text and write often. Non-intrusive check-ins communicate
warmth, presence, and the understanding that the pain continues on. A
couple feels isolated and hurt when people have moved on. They want
to know that their loss and their baby are still on your mind. Text
things like "I woke up thinking of your baby" or "I thought of you as
the sun set last night" or "we lit a candle in your baby's memory today."
Do think carefully about what you are saying as you communicate with your friend. Revise out unnecessary mention of your children, how crazy or busy life has been, the minor hassles of your day,
enthusiastic/boisterous energy, cheery platitudes, and uninformed guidance. Add in warmth and care, even if it is a routine communication.
For example, “I won’t be able to cover you for that meeting but I don’t
want you to have to worry about little things. Can I help you ask
around for coverage?”
Do read a book or an article on grief and child loss so you
better understand your friend’s experience and what actions are
supportive. You can bet your friend is reading these materials because
her world has turned completely upside-down and she is looking for
direction. Read with the purpose of educating yourself and increasing
your empathy and support skills, not with the purpose of guiding your
friend. Or talk to a friend who had a similar loss and ask what was
most helpful to them. You might even let your friend know that you
did these things. It means little to say that you don't know what to do if
you haven't tried to learn.
Do remember milestones: each week and month that passes,
parent birthdays, holidays. Even first days of school and Mother's
Day. When these go by unacknowledged it feels a bit like going
through the whole day of your birthday without an acknowledgement. It's on your mind all the time so it feels strange that no one else
has thought of it.
Do ask many questions. The first should be: What
actions by your friends have helped you the most? Is it comforting when people bring you food? Or ask about the
baby? Or ask how you are doing? Or give you hugs? Or treat
you no different from before? Then do those things and ask
those questions. That last step seems to be the hardest.
Do know that grieving parents are suffering the greatest pain they have ever suffered. They are feeling the intensity of that pain nearly every moment of every day for at least
many months. Treat them with care, quiet reverence, and compassion. What you are seeing on the surface is completely
forced; it is acting. And the acting isn't for them. It's not
because they are ashamed of their pain or because they want
you to think they are better. It is because they have learned
that you and others are uncomfortable when presented with
their reality. When you join in the act by being overly cheerful
or by failing to acknowledge their true emotional state, you
send the message that you are ready for them to be done with
their sadness and that you are uncomfortable with the person
they actually are now; that you want the act to continue.
Do think about the impact of small things you do inadvertently. Reflect on what it feels like for your friend to
receive a Christmas card with your child's picture, on what
your cavalier attitude towards your pregnancy implies, on what
feelings are stirred up by references to your children. Especially the first year, it would be sensitive to send a Christmas
card with a personal note and no family photos. When you
find yourself blessed by a history of easy conception and
uneventful deliveries, be thankful for those blessings on your
own; don't remark on them to your grieving friend. When you
meet your friend for a coffee date before you pick up your
child from daycare and need to leave by a certain time,
mention only that you have an errand to run and leave out the
irrelevant specifics.
Do keep the memory of the baby who has died
alive. Do not treat it as taboo. If your child died, would you
prefer that no one -- not even his friends -- ever mentioned him
again? Or asked you about him and your happy memories with
him? If your spouse died, would you prefer to forget about
him and have others change the subject or fall quiet whenever
you referred to him? A baby who lived a mere nine months in
a belly or precious few hours or days after birth is just as much
a child as one who lives longer. His parents do not want to
forget about him and certainly couldn't if they tried. Much less
do they want you to forget about him or act uncomfortable
when they talk of him. They treasure him. Provide them the
space to keep the happy memories alive.
Do talk with her; don't change the subject. When you
ask your friend how she is doing and she says "not very well"
or expresses true feelings, assume she is inviting you in. On a
similar note, if your friend mentions anything challenging or
personal related to her grief, invite her to tell you more. She
may welcome connection and support.
Do simple, kind gestures for your friend. Think of how
it feels when your husband arrives home with a tulip he picked
from the front yard saying he thought of you (especially if you
are at the end of your emotional rope). It took little action on
Helping After
Neonatal Death
Chapters:
HAND of the Peninsula
HAND of Santa Cruz
HAND of San Francisco
P.O. Box 3693
Redwood City, CA 94064
(650) 579-0350 crisis line
(650) 367-6993 office
www.HANDsupport.org
Helping After Neonatal Death
Santa Clara and Alameda Counties,
and part of the Central Valley
P.O. Box 341
Los Gatos, CA 95031-0341
(888) 908-HAND (4263)
www.handonline.org
Copyright©2015 HAND of the
Peninsula, except when noted
otherwise. Articles may be reprinted
with acknowledgement of the source.
Newsletter itself may not be
reproduced or transmitted by any
means without the express
permission of HAND of the
Peninsula. Address all inquiries
regarding this newsletter to: Editor,
Helping Hands Newsletter, P.O. Box
3693, Redwood City, CA 94064
Helping Hands
Editor: Leslie Muennemann
[email protected]
Contributors: Kate Babington
Printing: P.J. Hawkins
Lasky Printing
[email protected]
(650) 592-7177
Submission deadline:
MAY 1, 2015
his part but it meant so much. Leave a flower on
your friend's desk at work. Give your friend a real
hug rather than a routine greeting when she walks
into a room. Pick up an extra coffee for her when
you get yours. Send a small token gift many
months later, accompanied by a thoughtful note.
Do shower your friend with words of encouragement. Remind your friend of all her
good, strong qualities. Remind her that she is
grieving intensely because her love for her baby
was intense. Remind her that her reactions are
utterly human, very real, and quite touching for
you to witness. Remind your friend of a time you
were especially impressed by something she
did. Remind her that she is a good person and that
being good is not sufficient to keep tragedy at
bay. Remind her that you believe in her. Be a
reverent, measured, and sincere cheering squad.
Do let your friend know that any choices
she has made in her grief process are acceptable, understandable, and probably necessary
for her to get through. Let her know that you
and others are not judging her but, rather, are
working to increase your own understanding of her
experience. Share with her that you respect her for
the strength she has been forced to show.
Do recognize there are many ways to be
supportive while giving "space." If your friend
seems to need "space" from you, question whether
this is a true need for space or, rather, an
indication that the "support" you have provided
has not been supportive. Use this opportunity to
non-intrusively learn what is, in fact,
supportive. Consider talking to those who your
friend has not pushed away. Write personal
reflections periodically and keep these for a later
time when you might be able to share them with
your friend, make a donation in your friend's
honor, take time to learn about what grieving
parents find helpful. Act on behalf of your friend
in soliciting support and understanding from
others. When your friend has communicated with
you clearly and directly about what is helpful, pass
that on to shared friends and acquaintances.
Advocate on her behalf and help others see where
they might act more empathically.
Don't use the truism that "everyone
grieves differently" as an excuse for not finding
out how your friend grieves and doing what you
can to support her. There are far more similarities
in how people grieve than there are differences.
One tragedy in the whole affair is that, while the
vast majority of grieving mothers want to talk
about their child and their grief journey, people
almost universally choose to keep their distance. Recognize that you are likely the one who
is uncomfortable reaching out; your friend is waiting to hear from you.
Don't be emotionally lazy. Something very
big has just happened. You do have time to figure
out how to help and you do have time to offer
support for months and years. You simply have to
prioritize your friend. Let the time you put in be
commensurate with the tragedy and the pain it
carried.
Don't ever leave an email communication
unacknowledged. If its content is overwhelming
and you don't know what to say, communicate
precisely that. Or let your friend know that it will
take time for you to process their words but that
you will respond in time. Offer acknowledgment,
validation, and encouragement, at the very least.
Don't attempt to identify with you grieving
friend by telling the story of your own loss. You
don't need to prove yourself as a person who has
suffered loss in order for your friend to find you
supportive. It will be hard for your grieving
friend to see your loss as commensurate with
hers and she does not have the emotional reserves
to absorb your grief or offer sympathy. If your
own loss has developed your capacity
for empathy, your actions will speak much louder
than your words.
Don't share a story of "something similar
happened to me/a friend of mine . . . but it all
worked out." Your friend is acutely aware of
how often things do work out for others and how
very unfortunate it was that things did not “work
out" for her. "Miracles" and "near misses" are
devastating comparisons, not sources of solace.
Don't ever, ever, ever fail to say you are
sorry when someone -- anyone: friend or
stranger -- tells you her baby died. That revelation always requires an "I'm sorry." A
compassionate acknowledgment will never bring
added pain. The person wouldn't share the news if
it were too private for an "I'm sorry."
Don't try to teach your grieving friend
things about grief without recognizing that
most of the learning that needs to happen is
yours. Let your friend know that you are trying to
learn how to be sensitive and perceptive and supportive and that, while you may struggle, you are
open to guidance and you are determined to keep
trying to get it right.
Don't leave a phone message or write an
email that says, "I hope you are doing great."
or "I hope you had a fantastic weekend." Other
grieving mothers say things to one another like, "I
hope you have found some moments of peace in
your day." Those are much better indications that
you understand your friend's reality. Consider
words of encouragement, such as, "I believe in you
and I believe you will survive this.”
Support
Meetings
Meetings may start out with a
topic of discussion, but everyone
is free to bring up any questions
or aspects of their loss which may
concern them.
Support meetings are informal
gatherings where parents can receive and give support by sharing
common experiences as we work
through and resolve our loss. We
cordially invite you to attend.
Attending your first meeting
does take courage, but parents
who attend find a comforting network of support, encouragement,
friendship and understanding.
Nothing is required of you.
There are no dues or fees. You
need not speak one word. Even if
Our warmest thanks to
you no longer need the meetings
those who have sent donations to for yourself, come and share your
HAND of the Peninsula. It is
experiences with someone who
through your support that HAND has recently suffered a loss.
is able to grow and help others.
Donations
Katrina Barnett and Zimran
Ahmed
Nancy Krop and J. Mike
Hedblom
Kerstin Spangner
Kathryn Dwyer
Franchette and Juan Garcia
Kenneth Rainin Foundation
Sofia Linan and Kyle Najarian,
in memory of Harold Francisco
Najarian
Susan Gulbe Walsh and Tim
Walsh, in memory of Willow
Jane Gulbe Walsh's 5th birthday
Dimka Atanassov and Hilaf
Hasson
Krista and Ernest Canda, in
memory of their son Chase
Maxwell Canda
Matthew Green, in memory of
Eden Rose Kilburg
Katherine and Alex Katz, in
honor of AK & BK McMaster
Katz
Beth and Mark Wolly
Anna and Rob Strong
Jane Zimmerman, LCSW
Twila Forbes, in memory of
Cosmo Forbes
Linda and Scott Harrison, in
memory of Miles George Harrison
Wendy Hopfenberg and
Michael Occhiolini, in memory
of their unborn child
Rebecca Lombardo, in memory
of her daughter Monica Marie
Lombardo
Kathleen and Victor Parrette,
in memory of Malorie Anne Parrette
HAND of the Peninsula
Support meetings are held on
the first and third Wednesday of
the month.
Contact: (650) 367-6993
Time: 7:30-9:30 P.M.
Dates: March 4 and 18
April 1 and 15
May 6 and 20
June 3 and 17
Location: Follow signs to Palm
Room at Mills Health and Wellness Center, 100 S. San Mateo
Dr., San Mateo
HAND of Santa Cruz
Support meetings are held on
the third Wednesday of the
month.
Contact: Kristie Shulman
(831) 438-4513
Time: 7:30-9:30 P.M.
Date: March 18
April 15
May 20
June 17
Location: Congregational Church
of Soquel
HAND of San Francisco
Meetings are held on the first
and third Wednesday of the
month.
Contact: (415) 282-7330
Time: 6:30-8:30 P.M.
Dates: March 4 and 18
April 1 and 15
May 6 and 20
June 3 and 17
Location: Davies Campus of
CPMC, Castro at Duboce 6 blocks
north of Market St. .Enter the
North Tower lobby, follow the
HAND signs from the Info Desk
to our meeting room.
Pregnancy
Support
Meetings
Parents who are pregnant again
after a loss have special emotional and psychological needs.
Pregnancy Support Group meetings address the concerns of
bereaved parents who have started
or are thinking about starting another pregnancy. Fathers are
especially encouraged to attend.
HAND of the Peninsula
Subsequent pregnancy support
meetings are held on the second
Wednesday of the month at Mills
Health and Wellness Center, 100
S. San Mateo Dr., in San Mateo.
Contact: (650) 367-6993.
Please RSVP if you plan to attend.
Time: 7:30-9:30 P.M.
Dates: March 11
April 8
May 13
June 10
HAND of Santa Cruz
Subsequent pregnancy meetings are held at 7:30 P.M. on the
first Wednesday of each month at
the Congregational Church of
Soquel. RSVP is appreciated.
Contact: Kristie Shulman
(831) 438-4513
Births
Isabella Rose and Zoe Grace
Fidrych -- September 2014,
to Leila Melbourne and Tom
Fidrych and big brother Tommy
Donovan Phoenix Wickham -October 2014, to Lucy and Dave
Wickham
Ciaran Michael Matza -December 2014, to Katie and Pat
Matza
Donations
Gail Shak, Ph.D., in loving
memory of Ashley
Marie and John Violet
Natasha and Chike Agbai
Christina Conklin and Richard McCluney
Emily and John Corpos, in
memory of Maria A. Corpos
and in honor of Leslie Muennemann
Thomas Corso, in memory of
Nickolas
Cheryl Gagliasso and David
Belshaw, in honor of Emily
and John Corpos
Celia and Donald Hartnett,
in memory of Gregory Harnett, Dec. 22, 1982
Susan and Michael Johnson,
in memory of Oliver and Isabella Loehmann
Rachel Kindt and Gregory
Marcus, in honor of Hannah
and Becky Marcus
Patricia Leeper and Craig
Ball
Anne Graham, in memory of
Leo Squillante
Irene and Maia Lustgarten,
in loving memory of Talia
Elise Nelson Twicken
Elizabeth Mier and Kenny
Aptekarev
Jill Nelson and Joseph
Twicken, in memory of Talia
Elise Nelson Twicken, on her
16th birthday
Nora and Dana Nicholson, in
memory of Bryce Nicholson
Melinda and Eric Ruchames,
in memory of Zachary Clark
Ruchames
Mary and William Schorr,
in memory of Daniel Patrick
Schorr
Liz and Sean DeWinter
Sara Johnson and Jeff Loehmann, in loving memory of
Oliver and Isabella Loehmann
Judy Kele, in memory of
Chance Kele
Don't spend time with the grieving parents or call with the
objective of providing distraction unless they have asked for
that. There is no such thing as distraction from the death of the baby
that was to be with you every minute. The baby is constantly on his
parents' mind. If the parents change the subject from the baby, you
can ask if they would feel more comfortable talking about other
things. That gives them the chance to let you know if they are just
being polite or if they really don't feel comfortable talking with you
about their loss.
Don't say "call me anytime" or "you know I’d do anything for
you." Just think of something helpful to do and do it. Or be specific
about your availability or how desperately you want to be called
upon. Or provide ideas of things you would be happy to do. The
action or the concrete ideas let the couple know that your offer is
genuine.
Don't assume, when your friend doesn’t respond to your email
or call that your friend "needs space" or wants privacy. Much
more likely, your friend is not yet confident that you will be a consistent source of sensitivity and support. If you have not been in touch
for a long while, your friend is unlikely to suddenly welcome you in.
Consider continuing to offer non-intrusive but sensitive support and
encouragement or check in with loved ones about how your outreach
has been received.
Don't assume that jealousy is the reason a grieving mother
doesn't want to see your children or attend your baby
shower. The loss of one’s unique, irreplaceable child does not trigger
jealousy when faced with reminders. It triggers a desperate longing
and deep heartache. Sometimes it triggers intense anxiety, unfocused
anger, and/or a lengthy depressive wave. Avoidance is a survival
mechanism.
Don't feel it is necessary to share with your grieving friend the
recent birth of your baby or your new pregnancy. Healthy newborns, uncomplicated births, and easy pregnancies remind your friend
of the grave injustice of this trauma. The birth of your baby, instead,
might be a time to write a heartfelt letter about your own sense of the
injustice in the world. About your own loss of innocence and your
own heartache for your friend and her child. You don't need to say a
word about your baby, share his name or birth date or weight. Have
mercy and reach out with compassion rather than unchecked delight in
your own blessings.
Don't assume that you are too peripheral of a friend to have a
responsibility to support a grieving parent. Your grieving friend is
quite familiar with her entire list of friends and acquaintances and she
knows that you have heard about her loss. If you pretend not to know
or you only make a small gesture of support, you are contributing to
your friend’s sense of isolation. While it may be true that some people
are exceedingly private in their grief, the vast majority will see your
outreach as a generous show of empathy.
Don't offer advice lightly. Even grieving mothers, themselves,
are baffled by the emotions, the challenges, the sense of craziness, the
reactions of others. As a bystander, don't profess to know what your
friend should do. Your suggestions make her feel that you believe she
is not doing all that she can to heal or that you could do better. Your
friend needs understanding and solidarity. Leave the guidance to the
professionals.
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