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N e w s pa p e r- i n - E d u c at i o n S u p p l e m e n t to Th e J o u r n a l N e w s
RELATIONSHIP
What you need to know to:
Ì Date smart
Ì Educate and empower yourself
Ì Prevent relationship violence
Ì Help others
Ì Get involved
Students
Advocating
for Equality in
Relatıonshıps
I N CELEBR AT ION OF
Women’s History
Month
My Sisters’ Place
2
N e w s pa p e r- i n - E d u c at i o n S u p p l e m e n t to Th e J o u r n a l N e w s
Lo H u d.c o m
Dear Reader,
C O N T E N T S
In honor of Women’s History Month, The Journal News and My Sisters’ Place
have partnered to create this special issue on teen dating violence, a problem
faced by both young women and young men in our communities. In this issue,
we will provide you with information about teen dating violence and resources
available in your community. We hope to inspire you to take an active role in
doing something about this serious problem, whether it be helping a friend,
volunteering your time, or even seeking help for yourself or a family member.
Since 1978, My Sisters’ Place has provided advocacy and services for
victims of domestic violence and their children throughout Westchester
County and the surrounding region. From the beginning, My Sisters’ Place has
recognized that community education is a critical step in combating domestic
violence. In 1981, My Sisters’ Place started the Domestic Violence Education
and Prevention (D.V.E.P.) program, which works with schools and local
organizations in Westchester County to educate teens about dating violence.
The goal is to create safe spaces where teens can talk openly about the
reality of dating violence in their lives. Last year, D.V.E.P. provided classroom
presentations and discussion groups for approximately 7,800 teens in over
60 Westchester middle schools, high schools and community organizations.
Many of these teens want to get involved in raising awareness about dating
violence. The My Sisters’ Place S.A.F.E.R. (Students Advocating for Equality in
Relationships) program was developed in response to that need. This group of
committed young people meets regularly to plan and implement community
service projects in their schools and communities.
We hope that this issue will help you not only to identify and think about
the problem of teen dating violence but also to become part of the solution.
Your involvement can make a difference!
Volunteerism: A Win|Win Equation
3
Teens Build a S.A.F.E.R. Tomorrow
4
Bedford School District: A Model for
Confronting Teen Dating Violence
4
Spotlight on a S.A.F.E.R. Student: Lizzi Adelman
5
Critically Re-thinking Dating Violence
at New Rochelle Campus High School
6
Boys Will Be Boys?
7
It Happened to Me: Michelle
7
Speak Up! Speak Out!
The Teen Power and Control Wheel
8
The Teen Relationship Equality Wheel
9
Breaking Up: A Tool Kit
10
Checking In: A Relationship Checklist
11
Places to Get Involved (or to Get Help)
11
The 10 Do’s and Don’ts of Helping a Friend
12
Ask the Advocate
13
It Happened to Me: Joseph
13
Relationship I.Q.: How Do You Score:
14
It Happened to Me: Dilia
15
Thank You!
16
Regards,
Tom Donovan
Publisher
The Journal News
What
is teen
dating
violence?
Karen Cheeks-Lomax, Esq.
Executive Director
My Sisters’ Place
It is a pattern of violent and controlling behavior that an
abusive person utilizes to acquire and maintain power and
control over her/his dating partner. The speciﬁc behaviors or
tools a person uses to maintain this power and control may
include physical, emotional, verbal, mental or sexual abuse. But
how does this play out in our real lives? Have you ever heard
your friend’s boyfriend call her a slut? Does your girlfriend play
mind games to make you jealous? Are you scared of what your
partner might do if you break up with him/her? It is important
to point out that a person can be in an abusive relationship
without ever being physically hurt. Verbal, emotional, and
mental abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse.
Current studies tell us that between 20 and 25 percent of
teenage girls will be either sexually or physically abused before
they graduate from high school. Dating violence can happen
to anyone, regardless of age, gender, sexual orientation, race,
ethnicity, religion, or socioeconomic status.
Articles written by Deana Nogales, Heather Storer,
and Sharon Zetter, the staff of the Domestic Violence
Education and Prevention Program at My Sisters’ Place.
© 2006 My Sisters’ Place, Inc.
A special thank you to MSP Grant Writer Ellen Waldman,
Sandra Zupicich, and S.A.F.E.R. members Lizzi Adelman,
Amy Chen and Kelly Moeller for their contributions.
Contributing S.A.F.E.R. members: Terri Boccio, Lilly Carrel,
Christine Cho, Pamela De Los Rios, Amanda Goldberg,
Kayla Kearns, Julie Luctamar, Sheena Marcelin,
Angelo Mascia, Nicole Meyers, Dana Pellegrino,
Nicole Rodrigues, Devon Serrano, Dave Solow,
Tonian Thompson, Haili Zhang.
Note: teens and their stories identiﬁed in this
publication only by their ﬁrst names are educational
representations of many actual life experiences.
Lo H u d.c o m
N e w s pa p e r- i n - E d u c at i o n S u p p l e m e n t to Th e J o u r n a l N e w s
My Sisters’ Place
3
S.A.F.E.R. volunteers create
hand turkeys celebrating
Thanksgiving at shelters.
Volunteerism:
A
t
|win
win
Equation
he jury is in and it’s unanimous — volunteering
has a positive impact on
adolescents’ personal development, as well as the organizations and clubs they help.
Numerous studies have
documented that volunteering during adolescence plays
a strong role in fostering positive self-esteem, educational
achievement, civic engagement, and improved parental
relationships. It also reduces
the likelihood of teenage
pregnancy, school truancy
and substance abuse (Wilson,
2000; Kleiner, Chapman 1999,
Rhodes, Grossman, 2000; AsSanie, Gabtt, and Rosenthal,
2004). Furthermore, it has
been found that teenagers
who are required to volunteer
as adolescents are more likely
to continue these activities
into adulthood (Metz and
Youniss, 2003).
These auspicious ﬁndings
have lead numerous high
schools to adopt service learning programs to encourage,
and in some cases require,
teenagers to volunteer in their
communities. In fact, 86%
of public schools in the U.S.
have some kind of voluntary
community service/learning
component in their curriculum
(Kleiner and Chapman,1999).
As Kleiner and Chapman state,
sophomore from Ardsley High
“service-learning activities
school says, “I have known
enhance education, revitalizes communities, and teaches people that have been in abuthe importance of community
sive relationships. It’s a really
participation and democratic
good thing to be a part of it
values.” (Kleiner, Chapman,
and help out.”
1999.) Many colleges and uniIn addition to these positive
versities seek students who
personal gains for adolescents,
have demonstrated a commitnon-proﬁt organizations, like
ment to community service
My Sisters’ Place, beneﬁt trebecause it demonstrates leadmendously from their assisership potential and civic entance in a variety of different
gagement.
ways. First
S.A.F.E.R. participants of all, volunBut most of
get involved simply teers are able
our S.A.F.E.R.
students
because they want to help to provide
would roll
in any way they can. much-needed
their eyes
support serif we suggested they were
vices (like assisting with advolunteering merely to imministrative tasks). Clients at
prove their self-esteem or to
My Sisters’ Place are especially
strengthen their college aptouched when they see high
plications. The resounding
school students offering their
message from our S.A.F.E.R.
time to help them. As our Yonparticipants is that they get
kers shelter manager, Helen
involved simply because they
Boylan, exudes in a thank-you
want to help in any way that
letter to the S.A.F.E.R. students
they can. For example, Angelo for planting a spring garden:
Mascia, a junior from Westlake “Thank you all so much on
High School, clariﬁes that he
behalf of all the families and
“joined S.A.F.E.R. because
staff here at the Yonkers ShelI saw it as a chance to help
ter! The ﬂowers you planted
out in my community and
are a pleasure to look at when
help people who need help.
coming into the shelter — they
S.A.F.E.R. is a great experience brighten the day! The women
for kids because the S.A.F.E.R. and children are watering
staff is a wonderful group of
daily. We all appreciate your
people who show you how
hard work and digging in the
to help others and feel good
dirt on that hot day was not
about yourself.” Lilly Carrel, a
easy. Thank you all!” When
Heather Storer
the S.A.F.E.R. students painted
pumpkins with the children at
one of our shelters, one client
commented: “Tell the teens
thank you, this means so much
to our children.”
Furthermore, it has been
found that volunteer programs
(such as S.A.F.E.R.) that have
a peer mentorship component
can actually be more effective in delivering public health
messages. For example, a
study evaluating the efﬁcacy of
HIV peer-to-peer mentorship
program illustrated that peer
leaders may have a greater inﬂuence than professionals on
the HIV-related behaviors of
friends, relatives, and sex partners (Latkin, 1998, p. 156). In
our domestic violence education and prevention outreach
program, we have reached the
same conclusion based on our
experience. During the presentations where a staff member
is accompanied by a S.A.F.E.R.
participant, the students’
increased engagement and
enthusiasm is noticable. As
Domestic Violence Education
and Prevention (DVEP) community educator Sharon Zetter
explains: “Teens respond to
teens — seeing the faces of
their peers and hearing their
voices sends the message that
teen dating violence isn’t an issue that happens ‘somewhere
over there.’ Instead, their contribution reinforces the reality
that abuse can happen in any
relationship, in any town and
in any school. Our teenagers
bring an authentic voice and
experience to the dialogue that
DVEP fosters in each presentation and with every student
we come in contact with.” Ì
References
As-Sanie, S., Gantt, A., and Rosenthal, M. (2004). “Pregnancy Prevention in
Adolescents,” American Family Physician 70(8), pp. 1517-1524.
Chapman, C., and Kleiner, B. (1999). “Service Learning and Community Service
Among 6th- through 12th- Grade Students in the United States: 1996 and 1999,” U.S.
Department of Education.
Latkin, C (1998). “Outreach in Natural Settings: The Use of Peer Leaders for HIV
Prevention Among Injecting Drug Users’ Networks,” Public Health Reports, 113(1),
pp.151-159.
Metz, E., and Youniss, J. (2003). “A Demonstration That School-Based Required
Service Does Not Deter, but Heightens, Volunteerism,” PS: Political Science & Politics,
36 pp. 281-286
Rhodes, J.E. and Grossman J.B. (2000) “Agents of Change: Pathways Through
Which Mentoring Relationships Inﬂuence Adolescents’ Academic Adjustment,”
Child Development, 71(6), pp.1662-1671.
Wilson, J. (2000). “Volunteering.” Annual Review of Sociology, 26, pp 215-240.
4
My Sisters’ Place
N e w s pa p e r- i n - E d u c at i o n S u p p l e m e n t to Th e J o u r n a l N e w s
Tomorrow
Heather Storer
Teens Build a
a
walk for domestic violence awareness month
in October. Hand-delivered turkeys in November.
Candy cane reindeer in December. These are just a few of
the monthly projects S.A.F.E.R.
students have completed. The
S.A.F.E.R. (Student Advocating
For Equality in Relationships)
program was developed by
the My Sisters’ Place Domestic
Violence Education and Prevention program for teens who
have decided that educating
themselves on domestic and
teen dating violence can be the
ﬁrst step in eradicating abuse
in relationships. This group of
committed teenagers meets
twice a month to brainstorm
and implement domesticviolence-centered community
service projects in their schools
and communities. Although
some S.A.F.E.R. members have
experienced dating and domestic violence ﬁrsthand, students
don’t have to be survivors to
participate in S.A.F.E.R. — in
fact they don’t have to be any*Liz Claiborne Inc. Omnibuzz Topline
Findings Teen Relationship Abuse
Research. February, 2005.
S.A.F.E.R.
students
hand out
candy
reindeer
and
entertain
children at
My Sisters’
Place
programs.
thing but committed to making
positive social change happen
among their friends and peers
The bi-weekly S.A.F.E.R.
meetings at My Sisters’ Place
involve much planning and
discussion. It takes cooperative
team-building and planning to
not only devise but also follow
through with the many activities that S.A.F.E.R. organizes.
The teens also work directly
with the My Sisters’ Place shelters for battered women and
plan activities for the kids at
the shelters. However, while
the students do brainstorm
many ideas, not all of the plans
are able to be carried out.
Because My Sisters’ Place
is a non-proﬁt organization,
funds are limited and many
of the activities would not be
successful without the contributions of others. For example, in October, a pumpkin
drive was hosted in nearby
high schools; New Rochelle
High School was the most
generous with over 40 pumpkin donations. The S.A.F.E.R.
Lo H u d.c o m
students surprised the children
at the shelter and helped them
paint the pumpkins in time for
Halloween.
As a peer counseling group,
S.A.F.E.R. also helps to foster
support among its members.
By participating in S.A.F.E.R.,
students not only contribute to
valuable community service;
by collaborating with community educators, they also have
the opportunity to complete
peer advocacy training and to
use the skills they have learned
with their friends and fellow
students. S.A.F.E.R. students
learn to stop talking around the
issue of teen dating violence,
and instead to meet its challenges head on by opening
up spaces for honest dialogue
among their friends and peers.
S.A.F.E.R. members acquire
comprehensive knowledge
about dating violence and its
many intersecting issues —
such as racism, homophobia,
substance abuse, stalking,
etc. Studies have shown that
when teens ﬁnd themselves
For more information on S.A.F.E.R.,
call Sharon Zetter at (914) 963-6701, ext. 115,
or email her at [email protected]
in an abusive relationship, the
majority (73%!*) turn to their
friends for support. S.A.F.E.R.
hopes to ensure that when
some of those 73% of teens
turn to their friends for help,
they will be met with support
and knowledge.
At ﬁrst strangers from different schools around the county,
the students quickly get to
know one another within a
few meetings. Friendships
among the teens are gained
and the self-esteem of the
students is raised through the
collaborative accomplishments
of the group. Kayla, a Junior at
Westlake High School, reﬂects
on her experience at S.A.F.E.R.
“I gained a lot of leadership
experience from joining. I have
helped assist in a lecture at my
school…I’ve attended conferences, and I’ve made so many
friends along the way.”
The teenagers involved in
S.A.F.E.R. are ambitious and
eager to help others who are
less fortunate. Since each
member shares a common
goal, the teens function better
together as a uniﬁed group.
Students are able to show their
leadership skills when they
plan activities, and they are
able to negotiate with others if
they do not agree with a particular plan. Ultimately, the public relations knowledge gained
from the group is beneﬁcial
for all the students involved at
S.A.F.E.R. And what S.A.F.E.R.
really provides is an opportunity for students to broaden their
social network while acquiring
leadership skills and forging a
supportive community with
like-minded young people to
learn from and grow with. As
Devon Serrano, a sophomore
at Mamaroneck High School
says, “S.A.F.E.R. is one of those
rare places you can go and just
be yourself. It’s a place where
you and others from all over
the area can come together to
ﬁght against a common cause
and spread the word to the
world.” Ì
Bedford School District:
A Model for Confronting
Teen Dating Violence
‘‘h
ow do you do it?”
This is a question
we at the Domestic Violence Education and
Prevention (DVEP) Program
frequently hear. With more
than 500 presentations a year
in over 60 schools and community organizations, it is no
small feat. The answer, however, lies in a single word: collaboration. Without the strong
working relationships we have
developed with school districts
in Westchester County, along
with individual teachers, we
would not be able to undertake the work that we do. We
therefore wanted to take this
opportunity to honor one of
our most dedicated districts:
the Bedford Central School
District.
Bedford’s steadfast commitment to combating teen dating violence in their community is exemplary. As Dawn
Marinich, a health teacher at
Fox Lane High School, articulates: “[The Bedford Central
District] is progressive and
willing to try new things. We
Lo H u d.c o m
N e w s pa p e r- i n - E d u c at i o n S u p p l e m e n t to Th e J o u r n a l N e w s
5
Spotlight on a S.A.F.E.R. Student:
Lizzi
Adelman
Sharon Zetter
are committed to issues that
well worth it...we can work
are current and meaningful…
on the progression together!”
It’s about what’s happening in This commitment stems from
[our students’] lives.”
the sentiments echoed from
The Bedford Central DisMarinich — that this topic is
trict is made up of Fox Lane
too important to overlook.
High School, Fox Lane Middle
As Castro afﬁrms, “we
School and Hillside Alternathink it is so important for
tive High School. DVEP has
[DVEP] to come because stubeen invited to each of these
dents in eighth grade are beschools several times through- ginning to form relationships
out the year to work with
and they need to learn what
their middle- and high-school
constitutes a healthy relationstudents.
ship and healthy ways to comFurthermore, despite the
municate with one another.
limited time the students are in
It is also great that they learn
health class (one semester for
about the wonderful resources
all four years of high school and you offer — even if it is not
quarterly every year of middle
needed at this moment.”
school), both health departIn addition to hosting classments at Fox Lane High and
room presentations, Fox Lane
Middle School have incorporat- High School also sponsors an
ed healthy relationships as well annual Wellness Day. Started
as domestic and dating violence in 2003, it emerged out of
prevention into their curricula.
one-on-one discussions beAs Marinich states: “They
tween school administrators
get health for
and students
one semes“We are committed to who were
ter — that’s
interested
issues that are current all
all. But, I still
in creating a
and meaningful. It’s more respectmanage to
about what’s happening ful school enviinclude it in
the curricuin [our students’] lives.” ronment —
lum, because
free of culit’s important. Dawn Marinich, health teacher, tural bias, hoFox Lane High School mophobia and
Teens don’t
know what’s
sexual harasshappening to them and that it’s ment. This year’s theme, acwrong. They think it’s normal. cording to Vice Principal RobIt’s education and they need to in Schamberg, is: “Perspective
know it. It’s part of life.”
Matters: Recognize, Relate,
Furthermore, Marinich sees
Respond.” Schamberg explains
the value of inviting an outthat it is “more than just a
side educator from a domestic
day to discuss health topics.
violence agency to speak to
It’s about wellness of spirit,
her students because “kids see
respect for one’s self and your
me on a daily basis. It’s health, community.” Furthermore, the
and we’re preaching the same
hope is that topics discussed
things as their parents. It’s not
will get “students to think
the same old teacher; they can
about what their role can be
relate more with that.”
in making the world a better
Fox Lane Middle School
place.” My Sisters’ Place is,
has engaged DVEP in lengthy
once again, honored to particidialogues in order to create
pate in this event on April 20,
lessons that are age-appropri2006.
ate, educational, and engagAs teenagers are faced
ing for the students. Heidi
with a litany of social issues,
Castro, a health teacher at
including the growing freFox Lane Middle, is commitquency of dating violence, it
ted to constantly revising and
is reassuring to know that My
rethinking ways to keep these
Sisters’ Place is not alone in its
topics timely and relevant to
mission to end domestic vioher students. As she puts it: “I
lence. Once again, we want to
can certainly appreciate works commend the Bedford Central
in progress! I’m sure whatSchool District for their colever you do will be great and
laboration in this journey. Ì
My Sisters’ Place
Gardening at
My Sisters’ Place shelter.
Lizzi might put on a
tough act, but when it
comes down to it, she’s
always ready to get her
hands dirty — literally.
f
or Lizzi Adelman, a senior at Scarsdale High
School, volunteering at My Sisters’ Place
isn’t just another extra-curricular activity
to add to her résumé for college applications.
Dating Violence is an issue that has touched
her on a personal level and an obstacle she sees
all around her — in both her high school and
community. In September of 2005, Lizzi joined
S.A.F.E.R. (Students Advocating For Equality in Relationships), because she wanted to be proactive
and do something tangible to spread awareness
around dating violence. A self-described “down
to earth, nonconformist who doesn’t like labels,”
Lizzi has “been through way more than I should
have at 14.” When asked to speak about herself,
Lizzi usually tries to dodge the attention, saying
“I do the dishes and walk the dog. I’m not that
special.” But if you ask some of her fellow friends
and S.A.F.E.R. members, they’ll tell you a different story. They, and we here at My Sisters’ Place,
know that she is a very special example of just
how teens can interact with and impact their
schools and community.
While a lot of students don’t think dating
violence is an issue at their schools, Lizzi says
the problem is that so many teens don’t know
exactly what dating violence looks like because
abusive behavior has become so normalized.
“I know so many people who have been in a
relationship like that. It’s so widespread.” And
she doesn’t just think it’s a coincidence that dating violence is starting at younger and younger
ages. “[Teens] are just so quick...we don’t know
what we’re doing or what we’re talking about in
relationships. We jump from ‘Oh, you’re hot’ to
‘Oh, I’m in love with you,’ without even realizing
what love is.” Although it’s difﬁcult to admit, Lizzi
says that age difference can be an early warning
sign for an abusive relationship. “[Older teenag-
ers] are so good at manipulating you. They tell
you, ‘you’re naïve’ because they know you think
you’re naïve.”
By being an active member of S.A.F.E.R., Lizzi
has put herself out there for her friends and
peers — she is a role model as well as a sign of
support for her fellow students when they need
someone to turn to for relationship advice. “Everyone knows that I’m the S.A.F.E.R. person,” says
Lizzi as she recounts stories of friends who’ve
come to her with concerns about their boyfriends and girlfriends. She works on constantly
breaking down stereotypes that surround dating
violence, reminding her peers that “it doesn’t
just happen to poor people. I live in Scarsdale,
which is whatever the name is for rich. It’s here,
it’s everywhere.” For Lizzi, attending S.A.F.E.R.
meetings keeps her grounded. “Everyone’s real
here, we’re all on the same page. We all want to
change what’s happening.”
As daunting as it may seem, Lizzi does have
hope that people, especially young people, can
put an end to dating violence, while acknowledging that social change is slow and challenging. She states, “I think that it’s easier said than
done. [Dating Violence is] so under wraps. People
don’t realize it doesn’t have to escalate to black
eyes. But I think we should keep trying. We
need more, not less education. Education that’s
required for everyone, especially teens in high
schools.” For teens who don’t know where to
start or how to get involved in working against
dating violence and other social justice issues,
Lizzi suggests talking to health teachers, school
psychologists or community service people and
to “actually look at the packets that schools give
out.” You never know, they might have some
valuable information on community service and
volunteering. Ì
6
My Sisters’ Place
N e w s pa p e r- i n - E d u c at i o n S u p p l e m e n t to Th e J o u r n a l N e w s
Heather Storer
Critically Re-thinking
Dating Violence
at New Rochelle
Campus High School
Critical Thinking class at
New Rochelle Campus School,
with Heather Storer (top left),
DVEP Coordinator at
My Sisters’ Place.
‘‘I
’m not going to tell you what to think; I’m just going
to encourage you to look at it in another way,” states
Heather Storer, the coordinator of the Domestic Violence
Education and Prevention Program (DVEP) at My Sisters’ Place.
This popular refrain is echoed during discussions in the “Critical Thinking” class at New Rochelle Campus School. The class
meets bi-yearly for eight to ten sessions and consists of a small
group of students. These sessions are co-facilitated by My Sisters’
Place staff and the New Rochelle Campus School psychologist,
Dr. Sandra Zupicich.
“Critical Thinking” explores the issue of dating violence within
the context of other problems impacting teens such as substance
abuse, community/gang violence, bullying, and general tolerance
issues. Furthermore, as Dr.
Zupicich states, “the students
This article was written in collaboration with the students
have beneﬁted from the ongoin the Critical Thinking Group at New Rochelle Campus
ing relationship with the staff
High School. My Sisters’ Place wishes to thank Dr. Zupicich
at My Sisters’ Place, as they
and the students for their contributions and honesty.
have been highly engaged in
thought-provoking discussions
Lo H u d.c o m
relating to issues they are confronted with on a daily basis.” The
primary goal of these sessions, Dr. Zupicich continues, is to encourage students to challenge “their own self perception, biases/
stereotypes, problem-solving skills, and ability to connect with
resources… in hopes of providing students with more effective
problem solving and decision-making tools.”
The students resoundingly agree that the group is beneﬁcial
as it gives them the opportunity to discuss issues that are relevant in their lives in a safe and supportive environment. One
of the students in the group, Clairessa Montesinos, says, “…it
talks about things that other teachers/students don’t really talk
about…[We] talk about what’s going on in real life between
teens and the problems going on outside of the walls of your
school and home.” Veronica Loor, another student, reiterates:
“I like this program for the reasons that we learn about a lot of
things that teens are going through and how to address them
better and how people have [different points] of view.”
Several students enjoyed the opportunity to think differently
about topics that are not always discussed in school. For example, another student, Nick Ryan, believes, “This is a really good
program because we talked about so
More than just many subjects. It really makes you think
about many things. Before I
talking about differently
went to this class I felt that gays were
these issues, bad and I would beat them up just bethe students are cause they were gay. But I came to think
motivated to [about] it and it’s not right…” Another
Angela Smith, goes on to say,
make a difference student,
“The topics [we] covered opened my
in their own mind to new ideas and answered many
communities. questions that I had. The class was very
informative about topics that students,
teachers, and even parents are not very open with.”
Relationships and dating violence are just two examples of the
topics Smith is referring to. “In my experience, teens need to be
taught what a healthy relationship looks like,” declares Storer.
“Many parents would be horriﬁed if they knew what some
of their teens thought constituted healthy dating behavior. But I
have also found my parents don’t even know how to start these
conversations with their children,” she said. Several students
reveled in the opportunity to have a real conversation about
their relationships. Danielle la Medica, for example, reported
enjoying speaking about relationships, and “learning the good
things and bad things that can go on.” Her peer, Alexander
Ogden, agrees: “I feel that it is important for teens to [discuss]
what is going on in their lives rather than bottling their emotions. It’s good to have stable relationships, where each partner
is respected and loyal to one another.” Another student, Dania
Hall, saw the group as “valuable because it afforded the opportunity to demystify some of the stereotypes about domestic
violence. My Sisters’ Place showed us that abusive relationships
happen in all types of groups,” she said. “For example, heterosexuals and homosexuals all get abused in the same way.”
More than just talking about these issues, the students at New
Rochelle Campus School are motivated to make a difference in
their own communities. For example, in October the students
hosted a pumpkin drive so all of the children at My Sisters’ Place
shelters would have the opportunity to have a joyous Halloween. Additionally, they were active participants in My Sisters’
Place’s 2005 “Love Shouldn’t Hurt” conference.
Storer feels the group is successful “not because the students
show up and participate,” but because “the students have demonstrated that they are open to thinking about issues differently, and they now know that they have the power, through
their own actions, to make their schools and communities safer
places to be.” Ì
Lo H u d.c o m
N e w s pa p e r- i n - E d u c at i o n S u p p l e m e n t to Th e J o u r n a l N e w s
m
ost boys
we talk
to say:
“I don’t abuse
my partner, so
what does this
have to do with
me ” As many
of you know
and have experienced, men
can be victims
of dating violence
too. In fact studies
have shown that one
in seven boys are. But
let’s not get defensive, the
truth is that the majority of
dating violence and sexual
assault is perpetuated against
women and girls by men and
boys. And here are concrete
things that you can do to
stop violence against women.
Here are some tips:
Let’s be honest. It doesn’t
help to pretend that dating
violence doesn’t happen. It’s
so important for everyone
to admit that this problem is
real and to realize that they
have the power to do something about it. As Angelo
Mascia, a junior at Westlake
High School, points out:
“Men have to understand
that we are doing things
wrong and step in when they
see acts of abuse occur.”
Really listen to women.
This may seem kind of obvious, but we live in a society
that spends a lot of time
searching for solutions. How
often do we take the time
to just support and validate
each other’s feelings Start
not only listening to what the
girls and women in your life
are saying, but what they’re
not saying. It’s hard to know
where to start — but a good
way to break the ice might be
to ask them if they feel supported by the men in their
lives. With recent studies telling us that one in four girls
will experience physical or
sexual abuse before she graduates high school, most likely
there is a woman you know
who can shed light on what
dating violence really feels
like. Fight the urge to offer
advice or pass judgment.
Your role should just be one
of a supportive ally. Dana,
a student at Ardsley High
School says: “What guys can
do is talk to them [women]
and try to understand the
entire situation, and where
they are coming from. It’s
important to know that they
are here whenever we may
need it.”
Educate yourself. This is
your start — reading this paper is the ﬁrst step. Get the
facts about dating violence
and other forms of sexual harassment and don’t be afraid
to share the info with your
friends and family.
Be an ally — speak out
against sexism. We all hear
sexist jokes in music, on TV,
and while hanging out with
friends. Don’t get us wrong,
we know it can be hard to
stand up to your friends, but
these kinds of jokes make
it okay to laugh at violence
against women. Being an
ally means challenging
7
Boys
Will
Be
Boys?
friends who think it’s funny
to degrade women. As our
S.A.F.E.R. students point out,
“Being a macho guy doesn’t
mean you have to disrespect
women.”
Confront a friend. If you’re
worried about how a friend
treats his partner, don’t be
afraid to talk to him about it.
It’s natural to want to believe
your friend when they tell
you nothing is going on, but
trust your gut. Be careful!
Don’t try to stop his behavior by yourself, just let him
know it isn’t cool and that he
needs help. That’s it! Don’t
confront the couple or use
violence. That actually will
make everything worse and
can put his partner in more
danger.
Get involved! You do
have the power to make a
difference. By being active
in women’s organizations
like S.A.F.E.R. through My
Sisters’ Place, you can help
in this struggle to end dating
violence. Ì
The S.A.F.E.R. Students Speak
Out on 5 Things Men Need to Do:
1
2
3
4
5
My Sisters’ Place
Take responsibility for their actions.
Bring awareness to other men that it really does happen.
Teach other men what is acceptable behavior in relationships.
Not use physical violence against their partners or anyone.
Know when jealousy and protectiveness cross the line.
Michelle
It Happened to
W
Me
hen I ﬁrst met Jason my freshman year I couldn’t believe
that he would be interested in me. It’s not that I was
down on myself, but he was a senior, had lots of friends
and was the starting quarterback. In the beginning he was really
attentive and would meet me between periods and after my cross
country practice. I never had to walk home, Jason was always there
to pick me up. All of my friends thought I was so lucky to be dating
him, and I honestly did too.
I’m not sure when things started to change. Right from the beginning, he was really paranoid that I would hook up with other
people, but he always said he trusted me — just not other guys. I
soon realized that going to parties together was the easiest way
to avoid a ﬁght. My friends started to worry when I quit crosscountry. But they didn’t seem to get that I wanted to spend time
with him, it wasn’t like he made me quit. I ended up leaving the
team because I just didn’t have time to keep up with the practices.
Eventually my world became him.
I will never forget the ﬁrst time he hit me. He was irritated that
I asked him to slow the car down and he leaned over and slapped
me. It happened so fast that I was more stunned than scared. We
never talked about it, but it only got worse after that. My parents
never suspected anything. I had a 4.0 so they assumed everything
was cool. Looking back at it, I think I just wanted someone to notice what was going on, because then I wouldn’t have felt so crazy.
They never did. Jason wasn’t that kind of guy, and I wasn’t that
kind of girl. Ì
My Sisters’ Place
N e w s pa p e r- i n - E d u c at i o n S u p p l e m e n t to Th e J o u r n a l N e w s
SPEAK UP!
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When I told my boyfriend I was
pregnant, I thought he’d stop
putting his hands on me. But
after he found out, the violence
only got more intense. Now I’m
scared for me and my baby.
Arissa, 15
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Some guys crush on
me just ’cause I’m
Asian, like I’m supposed
to be all quiet and
submissive. Please! It’s
2006 — get over the
stereotypes already.
Iris, 18
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I never took peer
pressure seriously
until my boyfriend
threatened to out me to
my friends and family.
Rico, 16
Lo H u d.c o m
Relationships are built on those good ol’ things your grandma
talks about (trust, communication, respect, equality). And
some good things should never go out of style — like chocolate
on Valentine’s Day or that perfect mix CD your best friend
made for you. But when we’re talking about dating violence
what we’re really getting at is power and control.
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My ex told me,
“Give up soccer or
say goodbye.” Since
then I’ve kept the
jersey and said hello
to someone new.
Bridget, 14
Lo H u d.c o m
N e w s pa p e r- i n - E d u c at i o n S u p p l e m e n t to Th e J o u r n a l N e w s
You might know that something with your partner doesn’t feel
right — that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach — and
that powerless feeling usually means someone besides you is
calling all the shots in your relationship. We know relationships
can get complicated, and that’s why these wheels were created —
to help you sort out what’s going on in your relationship.
My Sisters’ Place
SPEAK OUT!
9
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I want to date
someone who
has passion
in her life —
for something
besides me.
Garrett, 16
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I was always so caught
up in giving advice —
I never realized that my
partner might just want
me to listen. It’s kind of
a relief to know I don’t
always have to have the
answers.
Kahlil, 17
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Our friends always say
we’re like one person
— but sometimes you
just need a break. How
else are we supposed
to miss each other?
Hunter & Emily, 17
If I haven’t picked up
the phone, obviously
I’m busy. I love when my
crushes leave a sweet
message instead of
constantly calling — it’s
way hotter than looking
desperate.
Natalia, 16
Wheel charts based on concepts
from the Michigan Domestic
Violence Prevention and
Treatment Board
10
My Sisters’ Place
Breaking
Up: A
Tool Kit
N e w s pa p e r- i n - E d u c at i o n S u p p l e m e n t to Th e J o u r n a l N e w s
Lo H u d.c o m
So you’re ready to end things with your partner. But now what? Despite what people might think,
leaving an abusive relationship isn’t just about getting up and walking away. In fact, physical abuse
and stalking often escalate after things have already ended. Chances are this isn’t the ﬁrst time you’ve
thought about leaving. This time can be confusing, scary and potentially dangerous. But when you are
ready to leave, it’s important to make sure to think through all the hows, whens, whys and wheres of the
situation. This tool kit can help remind you of what numbers to have on hand, the best places to break
up, and what you need to remember in order to stay safer. We’ve said it once, but we’ll say it again:
you don’t have to go through this alone.
Keep in mind: When
Carry around:
• Extra clothing (sweaters,
jacket, comfortable shoes,
etc.)
• An extra set of keys
(including car keys)
• Directions to your local
police station
Think about it:
you’re ready to break up, plan
ahead and do it in a public
place. If you ﬁnd yourself alone
with your partner, make sure
you are in an open space with
clear access to an exit. Stay out
of rooms where there are sharp
objects or hard surfaces like the
kitchen or bathroom.
Consider using the phone, a
note, or even an email to call
it quits. Don’t be afraid to
put yoursafety before your
partner’s feelings.
Speak up: Be clear that
’CAUSE
BREAKING
UP...
Have on hand:
• Cell phone and charger
• List of important numbers
such as 911; A DV agency
(800-298-safe); a friend
or family member you can
depend on; and a local taxi
service.
• Your Order of Protection*
or any other court papers,
if you have them.
* An Order of Protection is a court
mandate that orders an abusive partner
to refrain from certain behaviors
including contacting you (including
through a friend or on the phone),
or coming within a certain distance
of your home, school, workplace, etc.
Violation of this order is a criminal
offence. If you want more info on
protection orders or are interested in
obtaining one, please contact our legal
department at 914-683-1333.
the relationship is 100% over.
Explain that for no reason will
you get back together. But be
ready for how your partner will
react and for your own feelings
about the breakup. Guilt, anger,
fear, confusion — they’re all
normal.
Trust your gut: By this
time you know your partner,
what he/she is capable of, and
what sets him/her off. Breakups
aren’t only hard on the heart;
they can also be the most
dangerous time in an abusive
relationship — always have a
Plan B. If you feel like you might
be in danger, don’t be afraid to
reach out for help.
Be alert: Think of any
routines that you may need
to change; for example, places
you go where your partner
knows to ﬁnd you. Ask one of
your teachers or your school
counselor to help you stay safe
during the school day.
Don’t stand alone: This
is not something you need to
do on your own. Make sure your
friends and family know what is
going on. While it can be really
hard to admit how serious
things have gotten, support
from the people you love can
always help. Trust them, and
they might surprise you.
...IS
HARD
TO DO
Bring with you: A
journal for processing your
thoughts. Your feelings can
be really confusing right
now; writing them down
might help. Try making a list
of personal goals. What do
you want to achieve now
that you are single?
Lo H u d.c o m
N e w s pa p e r- i n - E d u c at i o n S u p p l e m e n t to Th e J o u r n a l N e w s
ò
✓Checking In
Look over the following questions. Think about
how you are being treated and how you treat
your partner. Remember, when one person
scares, hurts or continually puts down the other
person, it is abuse. If any of these are happening
in your relationship, talk to someone.
Without some help, the abuse will continue.
Does your partner...
ò Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or
family?
ò Put down your accomplishments or goals?
ò Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?
ò Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?
ò Tell you that you are nothing without them?
ò Treat you roughly — grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?
ò Call you several times a night or show up to make sure
you are where you said you would be?
ò Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful
things or abusing you?
ò Blame you for how they feel or act?
ò Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?
ò Make you feel like there “is no way out” of the
relationship?
ò Prevent you from doing things you want — like spending
time with your friends or family?
ò Try to keep you from leaving after a ﬁght or leave you
somewhere after a ﬁght to “teach you a lesson”?
Do you...
ò Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?
ò Constantly make excuses to other people for your
partner’s behavior?
ò Believe that you can help your partner change if only you
changed something about yourself?
ò Try not to do anything that would cause conﬂict or make
your partner angry?
ò Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never
happy with you?
ò Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of
what you want?
ò Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what
your partner would do if you broke up?
Adapted from Reaching and Teaching Teens to Stop Violence,
Nebraska Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Coalition, Lincoln, NE.
My Sisters’ Place
11
Places to Get Involved
(or to Get Help)
My Sisters’ Place
2 Lyon Place, White Plains, NY 10601
914-683-1333
Toll-free, 24-hour hotline 1-800-298-safe (7233)
For over 27 years, My Sisters’ Place has
served victims of domestic violence and their
children throughout Westchester County and
the surrounding region. Core programs include a 24-hour crisis hotline, two residential
shelters, adult counseling and support groups,
children’s services, legal representation and
advice, life skills and job training, and a comprehensive community education and outreach
program. Programs for adolescents include:
• Domestic Violence Education and
Prevention Program (DVEP), which has,
since 1981, worked with schools and local
organizations to educate teens about dating
violence though classroom presentations, rap
groups, and individual counseling. For more
information, contact Heather Storer at 914963-6701 or at [email protected].
• Students Advocating for Equality
in Relationships (S.A.F.E.R.), which is a
volunteer peer leadership program for teens
interested in improving their community
by learning about teen dating violence and
educating other teens about how to have
healthy relationships. S.A.F.E.R. members also
learn how to help their peers who may be
involved in abusive relationships. For more
information, contact Sharon Zetter at 914-9636701 or at [email protected].
• Individual support services for adolescents
experiencing teen dating abuse or domestic violence include supportive counseling, information
provision, safety planning, referral, consultation,
and crisis intervention is offered. For more information, contact Heather Storer at 914-963-6701
or at [email protected].
Northern Westchester Shelter
P.O. Box 203, Pleasantville, NY 10570
Karen O’Neill: 914-747-0828, ext. 24
[email protected]
Northern Westchester Shelter offers a wide
array of services and programs for victims of
domestic violence and their children.
• Students Terminating Abusive
Relationships (STAR) is a peer leadership and
education program that hosts two different
groups. Each group meets once a month at a
conveniently located site. Students are trained
and perform peer education at schools, fairs,
and community events. Some participants
become mentors and work with the children in
NWS’s children’s program.
• NWS also has individual support and
counseling programs for adolescent victims of
dating abuse and domestic violence.
Rockland Family Shelter
2 Congers Road, New City, NY 10956
Tiffany Card: 845-634-3391, ext. 229
Rockland Family Shelter offers a wide
array of services and programs for victims
of domestic violence and their children in
Rockland County.
• Teen Dating Violence Prevention
Program provides one-shot workshops on
sexual assault and/or teen dating violence in
middle schools, high schools, and community
groups throughout Rockland County.
• The Student Activists Ending Dating
Abuse (SAEDA) program provides 18
hours of training to adolescents interested
in becoming co-facilitators in the school and
community outreach project.
Support groups are available for youth ages
16 and over who are victims of rape, incest,
child sexual abuse, sexual assault and trauma.
Putnam/Northern Westchester
Women’s Resource Center
2 Mahopac Plaza, Mahopac, NY 10541
845-628-9284
24-hour hotline: 845-628-2166
Putnam/Northern Westchester Women’s Resource Center offers short- and long-term individual counseling to adolescent victims of domestic violence and teen dating violence. Crisis
intervention is also available. Two support
groups are offered that address domestic violence: the teen group, for 14- to 18-year-olds,
and the pre-teen group, for 10- to 12-year-olds.
Outreach is conducted in schools and community groups in Putnam County, such as the Girl
Scouts, on teen dating violence. The Women’s
Resource Center also has a court advocacy
program and a SANE program. Staff is SpanishEnglish bilingual. Emergency shelter is available for victims ﬂeeing abuse.
Volunteer Counseling Service
of Rockland County
77 South Main Street, New City, NY 10956
845-634-5729
fax 845-634-7839
VCS operates groups in schools that offer
individual counseling for adolescents on a wide
range of issues, including teen dating violence
and domestic violence. Screenings for domestic
violence are conducted for all callers.
12
10
My Sisters’ Place
The
N e w s pa p e r- i n - E d u c at i o n S u p p l e m e n t to Th e J o u r n a l N e w s
Do’s and Don’ts of Helping a Friend
1 Do stay present. It sounds
simple, but it can be really
tough. People in abusive
relationships are often being purposefully isolated by
their partner. If your friend
is constantly canceling last
minute or doesn’t seem able
to commit to any plans,
there could be something
else going on. Don’t take it
personally. Although rejection can make you feel bad,
don’t give up! Keep inviting
your friend out so he/she
will know that no matter
what happens in his/her
relationship, you guys will
be there unconditionally. Be
patient, it can take awhile
for your friend to sort all of
this out.
Lo H u d.c o m
Who do you go to when you want to know how you look in a new pair of jeans
When you need a strong shoulder, a good laugh, or just plain honesty Let’s
be real — for all their experience and wisdom, sometimes even trusted adults,
parents and counselors can’t give the kind of support that a true friend can. Teens
almost always turn to their peers ﬁrst. You may not realize how much talking and
listening mean. But it may mean a whole lot to someone who feels isolated by an
unhealthy or abusive relationship. Here are some pointers if a friend comes to you.
3 Don’t tell him/her what to
do. Do you like being told
what to do Although your
intentions may be good,
unless you have been in an
abusive relationship it can be
hard to know what it’s like.
Although your urge may be
to blurt out “just break up
already!” that may actually
make your friend feel worse.
Instead try, “it seems like
you’re having a really hard
time. What can I do to support you ”
5 Do make a list. Maybe your
friend hasn’t admitted that
the relationship is abusive — but you just know
that things aren’t right. Do
some research on your own!
Find the number of the local
domestic violence agency or
hotline. Discover the name
of your school psychologist
or social worker and know
where their ofﬁce is. Even
if your friend doesn’t want
the numbers yet, you can
keep them on hand — just
in case.
7 Don’t confront the abuser.
Many people’s ﬁrst reaction
is to want to confront the
abuser and “scare” them
out of being abusive. It
doesn’t work. Instead, what
it is likely to do is make the
abuser feel angry and helpless — and there is a good
chance these feelings will
be taken out on your friend.
Besides, you don’t want to
get in trouble for trying to
help your friend — it will do
no one any good if you are
suddenly the one in the hot
seat.
9 Do ﬁnd a trusted adult. In
over your head Sometimes
these things can be too
much for one person to
handle. Think of how much
more power adults have.
Help your friend brainstorm
all of the adults who have
been supportive in the past.
Think about it: teachers,
school counselors, coaches,
friend’s, parents, clergy, etc.
It doesn’t matter who it is,
as long as that person has
their back.
4 Don’t judge. Judgments
2 Do talk with him/her. Most
people want to distance
themselves from sticky situations. Instead of pretending
everything is going ok for
your friend, just take a few
extra minutes to check in
with him/her. Don’t be accusatory (“Why do you...”)
or gossipy (“So-and-so told
me Alex yelled at you.”)
Let your friend use his or
her own words to describe
what is going on. Find a
space that your friend will
feel comfortable talking in
(not the school bathroom)
and be that ear your friend
really needs right now.
can come in many different
forms. From making comments like “I would never
be in an abusive relationship” or “only people with
low self esteems let their
boy/girlfriends talk to them
that way.” Think about
it, how would that make
someone in a bad relationship feel Pretty low or
defensive, right You’re goal
here is to make your friend
feel better about him/herself, so keep those opinions
in check. Instead, try to understand where your friend
is coming from.
6 Do it with him/her. Your
friend has admitted to you
that he or she is in an abusive relationship. So, being
the good friend that you
are, you ﬁnd the number of
a local domestic violence
agency then tell him or her
to call. Not so fast! Making
that ﬁrst call can be really
intimidating. Sit with them
and help make that ﬁrst call.
Support them every step of
the way.
8 Do help develop a Safety
Plan. Your friend is scared
and doesn’t know what to
do. By developing a Safety
Plan, you will be one step
ahead of the abuser. Figure
out a safe place to go, keep
an extra set of clothes in
your car, make up a code
word or phrase so your
friend can let you know
things aren’t safe without
having to say it outright. Being prepared can make a big
difference in a dangerous
situation.
10 Don’t forget to take care
of yourself! With all your
worries about your friend,
you might forget to sit back
and think about how this is
making you feel. Watching
a friend go through something like this may make
you feel angry, hurt, and
helpless. Remember: counselors are also there to help
you through this difﬁcult
situation. By taking the time
out to sort through your
own emotions, you will be
able to be a more supportive
friend. Ì
Lo H u d.c o m
N e w s pa p e r- i n - E d u c at i o n S u p p l e m e n t to Th e J o u r n a l N e w s
My Sisters’ Place
13
Ask the Advocate
We all know relationships aren’t perfect and
every couple has their share of problems.
Sometimes, when you need advice, it can be
hard to ﬁgure out who you should turn to;
especially if you’re not sure whether what’s
going on with you and your partner is abusive
or just another bump in the road. Friends and
parents are great, but sometimes you need the
help of someone who’s been there and seen that.
q:
I have a friend who’s a little bit wild
and likes to party. Sometimes this
partying involves drinking, which my
boyfriend doesn’t like me doing. He has been
asking me not to hang out with her, but she’s
a really good friend and I always have a lot of
fun when we go out. I’ve been trying to juggle
both of them for a while, but things have only
gotten worse. Even though I promised him
that I wouldn’t drink with her, he still always
worries that something is going to happen. I
want to spend time with her but it makes my
boyfriend so mad when I do. I know he’s just
looking out for me, but no matter what I do,
someone I care about is going to be unhappy.
My friend says she’s concerned about the way
he is always telling me what to do. Recently he
said that if I hung out with her again he’d break
up with me — it’s my friend or my boyfriend.
What do you think?
a:
While it’s okay for someone to care
about your well-being, there’s a difference between expressing concern
and telling you who you can/cannot be
friends with. Do you approve of all the people your boyfriend hangs out with Ask yourself how he would react if you told him not
to spend time with someone he was really
close to. By acknowledging that your friend
makes you feel good about yourself, you’re
already on the right track to realizing what
you want. You’re obviously strong enough to
stand up to the pressure of drinking and he
needs to have that trust in you. Try to ﬁgure
out why you are so afraid to tell your boyfriend what you need. He’s isolating you from
your friends now, so what next If he’s
threatening to leave you, maybe you should
let him—ultimatums are no way to have a relationship. Unlike your boyfriend, your friend
has expressed her concern about your relationship, while sticking by your side. Surround yourself with people who let you think
for yourself and believe in you.
q:
I recently broke up with my boyfriend
of a year, and he just doesn’t seem to
get that things are over between us.
In the past, he broke up with me a few times,
but it was more his way of hurting me. I think
it’s driving him crazy that I was the one who
made this decision, not him. Since I told him
we needed some space, he hasn’t stopped calling me or texting me. I get like 20 texts a day,
begging for me to give him another chance. I
haven’t responded to any of his pleas and now
he has taken to driving by my work and grilling
my friends about me. This is really starting to
creep me out. What should I do?
a:
First of all, recognizing that your
boyfriend’s reaction to your breakup is a problem is the ﬁrst step in
getting help. It sounds like this was a relationship that needed to be severed. No one
should ever use your emotions as a weapon.
So now what Stalking (yes, this is stalking)
can spiral out of control really quickly. We
urge you to seek help from a professional,
like a staff person at My Sisters’ Place. It’s
really common for this kind of behavior to
occur when a break-up has happened. In fact,
this is the most dangerous time in an abusive
relationship. Did you tell him that you wanted space, or did you break up with him It’s
important to be clear about your boundaries
when breaking up with someone. Although
you may not want to hurt his feelings, you
need to be 100% clear that this relationship
is over. Once you’ve deﬁnitely broken things
off, document everything; you never know
when you might need it. If you feel that you
are in danger and possibly being stalked, you
should call 911. They are there to help. You
can also call us at (914) 683-1333 for support.
You should feel really good about yourself for
recognizing that you need help and knowing
what you don’t want in a relationship. Ì
Joseph
It Happened to
T
Me
alking about my abusive relationship was probably the most
difﬁcult thing I’ve ever done. I mean, it’s really hard being a
guy and admitting that your girlfriend is abusive. Guys are
supposed to be strong and tough; I felt really embarrassed that this
was happening to me. People just don’t get how I could be controlled by my girlfriend — and the fact that she was 5’2’’ didn’t help.
It was hard for my friends to understand that I was never scared
she would physically hurt me. It was more subtle than that. I was
scared of her reaction when I did things that ticked her off — like
hanging out with my friends without her or talking to other female friends. She even had an issue with my lab partner. It was
impossible to keep her happy.
A lot of my friends in bad relationships vent about their girlfriends being “crazy”, but I knew that my girlfriend wasn’t insane
or anything. Deep down I knew she did these things because she
realized it would hurt me and keep me from breaking up with her.
She was so manipulative like that. I tried talking to some friends
and they either laughed it off or just told me to break up with her.
When I ﬁnally tried to break up, she threatened to hurt herself. It
was so confusing, because I loved her and didn’t want to be responsible if she did try to hurt herself. I didn’t know what to do or
where to go — I felt so alone. Ì
If you would like more information about the
Domestic Violence Education and Prevention
Program, or to schedule a presentation for
your classroom or organization, please contact:
Heather Storer, Coordinator
Domestic Violence Education and Prevention Program
914-963-6701, ext. 108
[email protected]
14
My Sisters’ Place
N e w s pa p e r- i n - E d u c at i o n S u p p l e m e n t to Th e J o u r n a l N e w s
Relationship
This quiz isn’t about
rating your current
relationship — it’s
about looking at the
bigger picture. Do
you know what it
takes to create a
healthy relationship
with your partner
Did you call Nick
and Jessica’s
break-up on the ﬁrst
season of The
Newlyweds
Test your romance
savvy and ﬁnd out if
you’d know what to
do if you met Mr. or
Ms. Right.
i.q.:
1 Even though you are rehearsing a scene for theater class with
a classmate, your partner repeatedly calls and interrupts you.
You feel:
a. Loved. They
b. Frustrated. It’s c. Guilty. You
obviously really
nice to be missed,
know your
miss you when
but other things
partner feels
you spend time
are important
neglected when
apart.
besides your
you spend time
relationship.
with other people.
2 You and your friends have been planning to go to the prom as
a group for months. As it gets closer, your partner hints that
it would be more fun if it was just the two of you. You handle
this by:
c. Talking it
a. Agreeing to
b. Feeling really
go alone, even
torn, and making
out, deciding to
though your
up an excuse to
have a romantic
friends will be
not go altogether.
dinner before
disappointed.
and agreeing to
meet up with
your friends at the
dance.
3 You get out of class early and head to your partner’s locker.
You notice him/her talking with a friend who you have always
suspected of having a crush on your partner. You respond by:
a. Walking up
and putting your
arm around him/
her.
b. Feeling a little
jealous, but you
know s/he is only
into you.
c. Shooting your
partner a really
nasty look,
turning around
and walking
away.
4 There’s a snow day at school and you’re really excited to have
some alone time. How do you decide how to spend the day?
a. Spend
c. Curled up
b. You don’t
the morning
have time to
on the couch
sleeping in, and
decide — your
for a DeGrassi
then agree to go
partner headed
marathon catching
to the mall with
straight over
up on some “me”
all of your friends
to your house
time.
(including your
when school got
partner).
canceled.
5 When you and your partner go to the movies, who should
decide what you are going to see?
a. Whoever is
b. Depends on
paying, of course. who picked the
last movie we
saw.
c. I can never
make up my
mind; it’s easier
to let him/her
decide.
Lo H u d.c o m
How Do You Score?
6 When you get into a fight with your partner, what’s the one
thing you wish he/she would do?
a. Force you to
stay, regardless of
how late it may
be, so you can
figure things out.
b. Just let it go;
sometimes it’s just
easier that way.
c. Try to
understand
where you’re
coming from,
instead of trying
to “win” the
argument.
7 Is it cool for your partner to have your email password?
a. No. Why
would s/he need
it? That’s a little
creepy…
b. Well, yeah.
He/she asked me
for it, so he/she
could check it for
me when I was
out of town.
c. Of course. We
share everything.
I have nothing to
hide.
8 Your partner tells you s/he hooked up with his/her ex at a
party, but “it just happened, it wasn’t planned or anything.”
You respond by:
a. Telling your
b. Feeling really
c. Yelling obscepartner you
betrayed but
nities and then
appreciate his/her
decide to work
posting a nasty
honesty, but you
it out because
comment on
need some space
everyone makes
MySpace so
to figure out what mistakes.
everyone at school
you want.
knows what a
loser he/she is.
9 Your partner tells you he/she will break up with you if you
don’t go further sexually than you feel comfortable with. You:
a. Ignore the
threats and hope
he/she will let this
one go.
b. Ditch him/
her. You know
there are so many
other guys/girls
who will respect
your decisions.
c. Give in to
what your partner
wants. He/she
is probably right
that you are too
uptight.
10 You just know it’s time to break up with your partner of
10 months. You decide to stay in the relationship anyway,
because:
a. I hate confron- b. I’m waiting
c. At least I
tation. If I wait
for the right
have someone.
it out, they’ll
time to break the
I’d rather be
eventually end
news. It’s his/her
in the wrong
things with me.
birthday in a few
relationship than
days.
no relationship at
all.
Lo H u d.c o m
N e w s pa p e r- i n - E d u c at i o n S u p p l e m e n t to Th e J o u r n a l N e w s
My Sisters’ Place
15
Relationship i.q. Answers
In order to calculate your results, add up the points listed for each answer
and then check your total against the key.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
a-3
a-3
a-2
a-2
a-3
a-3
a-1
a-1
a-2
a-2
10-16:
b-1
b-2
b-1
b-3
b-1
b-2
b-2
b-2
b-1
b-1
c-2
c-1
c-3
c-1
c-2
c-1
c-3
c-3
c-3
c-3
Are you being
honest? Just kidding! It seems
like you have a good sense of
what a healthy relationship
is all about — trust, honesty,
compromise, communication,
and equality. Although we
know that strong relationships
are built on these things, it
can be hard to actually put
them into practice on a dayto-day basis. Keep up the
good work. And remember,
while relationships can’t be
perfect all the time, it’s always
important to check in and
make sure both you and your
partner are happy with the
direction your relationship is
headed. No one ever said that
relationships were easy (and
if they did, they lied) but the
most important thing is that
you’re willing to work with
your partner to make sure
you’re both on the same page.
17-23:
Do you find
yourself constantly going
along with something to avoid
an argument — like seeing
King Kong three times because
your best friend just has to see
it again? Or do you shut down
when you are forced to make
a decision? Only you know
where this indecisiveness is
coming from, but part of a
healthy relationship is feeling
comfortable enough to voice
your feelings and opinions.
Remember, relationships are
about balance and respect;
each partner should value
each other’s wants and needs.
If you don’t value what you
have to say, how can you
expect your future or current
partner to? Honesty and
communication go hand in
hand and a relationship can’t
survive without both working
together. You may think you’re
acting as the peacekeeper, but
by bottling up your emotions
you’re actually making it
harder for someone to meet
your needs. Don’t be afraid to
ask for what you want and get
it. You deserve to be happy —
and ask yourself how happy
were you to be seeing King
Kong…again?
Making your community
Dilia
24-30:
Whoa! It
seems like your perception
of how a relationship should
work needs a little tweaking.
Even though it’s admirable
that you want to please your
partner, your boundaries
need to be respected as well.
Giving in to what your partner
wants, while sacrificing what
you need, is no way to build
a relationship. Have you
ever found yourself dating
someone long after the flame
has fizzled? Do you find
yourself afraid to stand up
for what you want? Whether
you’re already in a relationship
or are looking for that perfect
person, relationships are
about compromise. And
that doesn’t mean that you
always have to be the one to
give in. Jealousy may seem
romantic on the latest episode
of Laguna Beach, but what
it really indicates is that the
relationship is lacking trust.
You have a right to privacy
and space — which includes
passwords, PIN numbers
and time away from your
significant other. Really take
some time to get in touch with
how you want to be treated
by your partner and go from
there.
It Happened to
B
ecca was at our school’s ﬁrst Gay Straight Alliance meeting
of the year. She was the president of the club, as well as
the only “out” girl at our school. Pretty and popular — she
somehow escaped the judgment that littered our hallways. I liked
Becca immediately. She was so sure of herself, so real, never afraid
to be herself.
It started out casual — just hanging out with our friends as
a group. But soon I was skipping Geometry and even cutting
school to spend time with her. My grades were slipping and the
detentions started piling up. When I tried to tell her that I needed
space to focus on school, she seemed irritated but refused to talk
to me about it. That afternoon, she spent the whole meeting
ﬂirting with another girl, even offering her a ride home — right
in front of me. Walking home alone, my cell phone rang. It was
her. I started crying, asking her why she’d ignored me but she just
laughed and said I was overreacting.
I knew that I had a right to be upset, but I didn’t want to lose
her. After that, our relationship turned into one mind game after
another. I found myself feeling insecure about her feelings toward
me and I began to doubt myself and what I really wanted. I mean,
here I was, with this perfect girl — maybe I was the one being
unreasonable. Besides, I knew that breaking up with her would
be social suicide. What if our friends took her side? Who would
believe that the most popular girl at school was abusing me? Ì
The 4-1-1 on S.A.F.E.R.
What: Do you get tired of always hearing about issues
and not being able to do anything about them?
Well, this is the time to get involved and help
women and girls in your community who are
experiencing dating and domestic violence!
When: Bi-weekly on Wednesday evenings, 5:30
from domestic violence
Me
Where: My Sisters’ Place, 2 Lyon Place, Suite 300,
White Plains, NY 10601
Sweet snacks and beverages are always provided!
Questions: Please contact Sharon at (914) 963-6701
or [email protected]
16
My Sisters’ Place
N e w s pa p e r- i n - E d u c at i o n S u p p l e m e n t to Th e J o u r n a l N e w s
Thank you!
Your commitment to education has made it possible for 50,000
students in Westchester, Rockland and Putnam counties to
receive a copy of The Journal News and a special Newspaper In
Education supplement entitled "Relationship Talk."
511 Theodore Fremd Avenue
Rye, NY 10580
1-800-75-coned
Lo H u d.c o m
And thanks to our
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Thanks to the many subscribers
who participated in our
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Rockland and Putnam counties
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The Vacation Donation Program
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Publications Paper Division
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Montreal, Quebec, Canada
514-737-1131
strives to engage each
member of society in our work
to end domestic violence, so that
all relationships can embrace the
principles of respect, equality, and
peacefulness. Since 1978, we have
advanced this mission throughout
the Westchester County region with
advocacy, community education, and
services to those harmed by domestic
violence. Through advocacy, we act as
a force for social change in law and
public policy. Through community
education, we challenge public
perceptions of intimate violence
and the social inequities that give rise
to it, and we promote prevention with
a special emphasis on youth.
Through direct services, we support
the abused, primarily women and
their children, in seeking safety,
self-determination, and justice.
If you would like more information on on Newspapers in Education in your school, contact Pat Graff at 914-694-5211 or [email protected]