XML Template (2015) [19.3.2015–8:44am] [1–18] //blrnas3.glyph.com/cenpro/ApplicationFiles/Journals/SAGE/3B2/OMEJ/Vol00000/150068/APPFile/SGOMEJ150068.3d (OME) [PREPRINTER stage] Article Because I’m Also Part of the Family. Children’s Participation in Rituals After the Loss of a Parent or Sibling: A Qualitative Study From the Children’s Perspective OMEGA—Journal of Death and Dying 0(0) 1–18 ! The Author(s) 2015 Reprints and permissions: sagepub.com/journalsPermissions.nav DOI: 10.1177/0030222815575898 ome.sagepub.com Gunn Helen Søfting1, Atle Dyregrov1, and Kari Dyregrov1 Abstract The objective of this study was to examine how Norwegian children today are included in death-related rituals after the loss of a parent or sibling, how they experienced their own participation, and to explore the meaning the rituals had for them. Our study indicates that it was very important for the children to be included in the rituals and accordingly be recognized as grievers alongside adults. Being included contributes to legitimating their status as a “full” member of the family system, with an equal status to adult grievers in an important and vulnerable phase of the family’s life. The children were pleased that they through ritual performances were given the opportunity to “see for themselves,” both in order to better comprehend and accept the reality of the loss and to take farewell with their loved ones. Keywords children, grief, rituals, children’s perspectives 1 Center for Crisis Psychology, Bergen, Norway Corresponding Author: Gunn Søfting, Center for Crisis Psychology, Fortunen 5, Bergen 5013, Norway. Email: [email protected] XML Template (2015) [19.3.2015–8:44am] [1–18] //blrnas3.glyph.com/cenpro/ApplicationFiles/Journals/SAGE/3B2/OMEJ/Vol00000/150068/APPFile/SGOMEJ150068.3d (OME) [PREPRINTER stage] 2 OMEGA—Journal of Death and Dying 0(0) Introduction Arnold van Gennep’s book Rites de Passages (1960) and Victor Turner’s The Ritual Process (1969) introduced key theories and concepts which contributed to the understanding and analysis of rituals. According to Arnold van Gennep (1960), the rites of passage, a process from one state to another, could be split into the three subcategories: separation (preliminal), transition (liminal), and reincorporation (postliminal). Among the most common death-related liminal rituals are wake and funeral or memorial service (Reeves, 2011). Turner (1967, 1969) developed van Gennep’s perspectives further, in particular the liminal phase, which he considered to be the most important rite of passage. Using the term “betwixed and between” (Turner, 1967), he describes the liminal phase as an intermediate state of disorder and chaos. Furthermore, he argues that the liminal phase is characterized by a social structure, communitas, where differences between participants are erased. Brottveit (2003) points out that the power of death-related rituals lies in their predictability and argues that they have three main functions: (a) they help make the unreal real, alleviate grief, and repair loss (“therapeutic function”); (b) they give death a meaningful framework and defines the deceased’s new place and identity (“cosmological function”); and (c) they have a “social function” by redefining roles and resuming activities and help to reestablish order and structure (Brottveit, 2003, p. 92). The literature on children’s experiences with, and inclusion in, death-related rituals is sparse, and most of the research has been conducted in the United States. The conclusions are not unambiguous. While the bulk of the literature conclude that children’s participation in rituals should be recommended because it helps them in the grieving process (Doka, 2000; Dyregrov, 1987, 1996, 2008; Silverman & Worden, 1992; Weller, Weller, Fristad, Cain, & Bowes, 1988), some have found behavioral problems and symptoms of anxiety and phobia in children who have participated in funerals (McCown, 1984; Schowalter, 1976; Weller et al., 1988). Recently, a Scandinavian study (Erlandsson, Avelin, Sa¨flund, Wredling, & Ra˚destad, 2010) reported on parents’ experiences with including children in rituals after stillbirth. They found that both the parents who decided to include siblings in the rituals as well as the parents who decided otherwise were pleased with their decisions. The authors also point to the importance of parents being offered informed choices and being cared for by sensitive staff that see parents as a resource to help children in connection with rituals. It is significant to pay attention to whether one is studying rituals from the perspective of the performer or the observer (Irion, 1991). Oltjenbruns (2001), in his critique of methodology used in childhood bereavement studies, illuminates that children rarely are given the opportunity to tell about their own grief experiences. He states that many studies only focus on parents as respondents, even XML Template (2015) [19.3.2015–8:44am] [1–18] //blrnas3.glyph.com/cenpro/ApplicationFiles/Journals/SAGE/3B2/OMEJ/Vol00000/150068/APPFile/SGOMEJ150068.3d (OME) [PREPRINTER stage] Søfting et al. 3 though the parents are not necessarily fully aware of the totality of their child’s grief reactions (Oltjenbruns, 2001). Generally speaking, in much research concerning children’s experiences, adults’ accounts have been given prominence, and there has been a “tendency to accredit adults with greater knowledge and experience than children, even in matters that affect children directly” (Gill, Stewart, Treasure, & Chadwick, 2008, p. 371). Among studies focusing on children and rituals, some have included children as respondents—most notably, Silverman and Worden (1992). However, the relative paucity of previous research into children’s perspectives on taking part in rituals means that there is insufficient knowledge about their experiences as participants in rituals. To provide even sounder clinical advice in this matter, a much broader, as well as indepth, knowledge is essential. During the 20th century, death became increasingly institutionalized and privatized in Western societies (Aries, 1974). This was also the case in Norway, where death was gradually institutionalized after World War II with the development of the welfare state and the increasing mobility of the population (Hovdhaugen, 1981). The changes also affected the way children participated in rituals when a close relative died. The participation diminished and they were increasingly protected against the realities of death. In Norway, we have seen a reversal of this trend during the past 20 years or so, and many professionals have called for a greater openness about death (Bugge, 2003; Dyregrov, 1987, 1996, 2008; Salomonsen, 1999). Likewise, experienced funeral agents have advocated this view (Søfting, Dyregrov, & Dyregrov, 2013). The broad aim of this study was to examine how Norwegian children today are included in death-related rituals—in this context funeral ceremony and memorial service and memorial gathering—after the loss of a parent or sibling, and how they experienced their own participation. We also wanted to explore the meaning the rituals had for them. Although the present article describes and discusses the participation as perceived by the children themselves, another article (Søfting et al., 2013) presents funeral agents’ experiences with children’s participation in rituals, and an upcoming article (Søfting, Dyregrov, & Dyregrov, in preparation) will present the children’s parents’ experiences with including them in the rituals. Method The study was approved by the Norwegian Regional Committee for Medical and Health Research Ethics. We used exploratory and interpretive inquiry to enable us to learn about the informant’s lifeworld and “to unfold the meaning of their experiences” (Kvale & Brinkmann, 2009, p. 1) and undertook qualitative interviews to fulfill this aim. The term lifeworld is often used without any further elaboration. The concept can be traced back to phenomenology and the key concern is how people experience and understand the world, something which XML Template (2015) [19.3.2015–8:44am] [1–18] //blrnas3.glyph.com/cenpro/ApplicationFiles/Journals/SAGE/3B2/OMEJ/Vol00000/150068/APPFile/SGOMEJ150068.3d (OME) [PREPRINTER stage] 4 OMEGA—Journal of Death and Dying 0(0) involves the description and understanding of things as experienced by a subject (Tilley, 1994). Recruitment We invited bereaved families (child and parent) to participate in the study, mainly through advertisements in Norwegian national, regional, and local newspapers and in newsletters of relevant peer organizations for bereaved families. Two families were recruited through information provided to them by staff at the Center for Crisis Psychology. After contacting the researcher and expressing initial interest in taking part in the study, the families received two information letters, one for the parent and one age appropriate for the child. We obtained written informed consent whereby the parent permitted the child to participate in the study and then contacted participating families to arrange a convenient time for the interviews. The criteria for participation in the study were that the children (a) should be between 7 and 12 years old at the time of the interview, (b) had experienced the loss of a parent or sibling, (c) had experienced the loss sometime between 1 and 3 years before the date of the interview, and (d) had participated in death-related rituals, such as wake and funeral or memorial service. The reason for the choice of time span between death and the time of the interview was threefold: (a) due to the fact that interviews can be perceived as psychologically intrusive, the principle of caring for the research participants was emphasized by allowing a time for healing after the loss; (b) to obtain information that sheds light on current ritual practices and experiences in Norway; and (c) in line with criticism by Oltjenbruns (2001), to avoid that the study was too retrospective and that the time of death varied with too many years within the same sample. Sample In total, we interviewed 11 children. Geographically, they were relatively evenly distributed throughout Norway. Six resided in small- to medium-sized municipalities (<1,00,000 inhabitants), whereas five lived in large municipalities (>1,00,000 inhabitants). There were four boys and seven girls, and the children were between 8 and 12 years old at the time of the interview. In a child developmental context, this means that they at the time of the interview were in a concrete, operational stage and able to understand the finality of death. The time span from the time of death to the time of the interview was 1 year (7), 2 years (1), and 3 years (3). The children themselves were not asked about their beliefs, but the interviewed parents declared themselves as either Christians (7) or nonbelievers (4). Three of the parents had completed senior high school, and eight had a degree at university level. The children had between one and three living siblings, whereas one was an XML Template (2015) [19.3.2015–8:44am] [1–18] //blrnas3.glyph.com/cenpro/ApplicationFiles/Journals/SAGE/3B2/OMEJ/Vol00000/150068/APPFile/SGOMEJ150068.3d (OME) [PREPRINTER stage] Søfting et al. 5 only child. Five children had lost a sibling, and six had lost a parent. In addition, two of the children had suffered multiple losses (a parent and a sibling) within a relatively short time span. When interviewing these two children, the focus was on their latest loss in order to reduce confusion. Two children had parents who were divorced. Although five children had experienced loss due to long-term illness, six deaths were sudden and unexpected. Two of the children were present when their parent or sibling died. All children had taken part in the wake or viewing of the body; 10 children had attended funerals, while one child had attended a memorial service and urn interment. All children participated in memorial gatherings following the funeral or memorial service. Interviews The interviews were guided by a theme guide aiming to explore who the child had lost and under what circumstances, what rituals the child had participated in, and how and to what extent the child participated in the preparations of the rituals, whether someone prepared the child before taking part, and whether the child had taken part in any postceremonial rituals. Finally, the focus was on the significance of taking part in the rituals, and how the children were making sense of their experiences. Carrying out research with children as respondents requires special care and precautions, and several ethical considerations have to be taken. The participants recruited for this study were in a vulnerable situation, but previous studies of comparable themes and corresponding methods have shown that people in a difficult situation do not experience being asked to participate in a research as negative, but rather as an opportunity to contribute positively in a meaningless situation (Dyregrov, 2004; Dyregrov et al., 2011; Jorm, Kelly, & Morgan, 2007). Cook and Bosley (1995) make similar claims when concluding that bereaved people often experience participation in bereavement research as positive, despite the difficult aspects involved. The first author conducted the interviews individually. With one exception, all of them took place in the interviewees’ private homes, assuming that the respondents would feel most comfortable in a familiar setting. The parent was interviewed first. This was mainly to ensure that the parent remained close at hand during, and immediately after, the interview, in case it caused any kind of emotional distress for the child. In addition, the parents could provide valuable preknowledge of any considerations needed before conducting the interviews with their children. To obtain children’s perspectives is not a straightforward process. Talking with an unknown child about difficult and emotion-laden topics is challenging, and it is necessary to establish a certain degree of trust between the researcher and the child. Attempts at securing this were made by using different approaches. Through the parents, the interviewer became familiar with relevant XML Template (2015) [19.3.2015–8:44am] [1–18] //blrnas3.glyph.com/cenpro/ApplicationFiles/Journals/SAGE/3B2/OMEJ/Vol00000/150068/APPFile/SGOMEJ150068.3d (OME) [PREPRINTER stage] 6 OMEGA—Journal of Death and Dying 0(0) aspects of the death such as cause of death, circumstances surrounding the death, who had communicated the death message to the child, or specific reactions the child might have had. Before the interview commenced, the interviewer explained the purpose and procedures of the study to the child in an age-appropriate language and emphasized that there were no right or wrong answers. These initial conversations also gave useful indications of the child’s maturity level as well as his or her personality. In connection with the interviews, parents were encouraged to provide albums with photos of the deceased, memory books, and the like. Before, and sometimes also during, the interviews with the children, these pictures were used as “talking tools.” In addition, as all children have different personalities, it was important to be attentive to signals they provided before, during, and after the interview. In one case, this led to the interviewer reading a children’s book about death together with the child, and in another case, the interviewer accompanied the child to the cemetery to visit the grave of her deceased sister. Both happened as a result of the children’s own initiatives. The interviews were recorded digitally, and before they started, it was made clear that the respondents were allowed to pause or terminate the recording at any time. The children’s emotional reactions during the interviews varied, and in some cases, it was necessary to have short breaks. In one case, a parent had to be called into the room, as the child started to cry. After some comforting, she decided that the interview could continue. Analyses The interviews were transcribed verbatim and thereafter analyzed according to a phenomenological and thematic method (Smith & Osborn, 2008). The analysis began during the interviews through clarifying questions so that the respondents had the opportunity to validate the content as we spoke. The transcribed material was read a number of times to identify significant themes related to the research questions. The themes were then listed and clustered, participant’s phases were compiled to support the various themes, and superordinate themes were identified. Rich descriptions were subtracted and are presented in the Result section. The discussion part interprets and discusses the meaning of the children’s experiences relating it to relevant theory and previous research. Results This section initially describes important themes characterizing the “preparatory phase” from the time of death to the children’s performance of the rituals, then their actual participation in the wake, funeral or memorial service, and memorial gathering, followed by a description of some postceremonial rituals that were XML Template (2015) [19.3.2015–8:44am] [1–18] //blrnas3.glyph.com/cenpro/ApplicationFiles/Journals/SAGE/3B2/OMEJ/Vol00000/150068/APPFile/SGOMEJ150068.3d (OME) [PREPRINTER stage] Søfting et al. 7 identified. Finally, their experiences of their own participation in the rituals are presented. Preparatory Phase All children reported that they had “someone to talk to” between the time of death and the funeral or memorial service. They mentioned one or more persons they could turn to, most commonly one of their parents, followed by siblings, teachers, priests, uncle/aunt, or friends. Others that were mentioned were cousins, grandparents, and representatives of the police. Only a few children clearly stated that they were directly prepared by adults before taking part in the rituals. However, some of them recalled conversations with a parent about what would take place, and one reported having been taken to the church before the funeral to see the room where the casket would be placed. The preparations were undertaken by a parent, close relatives, or a priest. Some also emphasized that they were prepared because they had attended funerals before: “I had taken part in this before so I knew most of it” (boy aged 12, who had lost his father). About half the children reported that they had been involved in different types of practical preparations of the rituals. The activities were in most cases not very extensive but could typically consist of (a) participating in the conversation the family had with the priest and telling the priest about the deceased in their own words, (b) deciding what objects to put on or beside the deceased’s body or in the casket in connection with the wake, (c) choosing flowers and writing the last greetings on the ribbons, (d) being involved in choosing the music for the funeral or memorial service, (e) writing an obituary to the deceased, and (f) helping to select the tombstone. One of the children wrote an obituary to her father which the priest read out in church and was also involved in selecting music for the funeral. She appreciated her involvement and explained: “I wanted something from me as well” (girl aged 11, who had lost her father). The Wake The children viewed the deceased in different places and in different contexts. Most of them saw the deceased in the casket in a chapel a few days after the death, whereas others viewed the deceased in a hospital bed or at home relatively soon after the death. In a few cases, a priest also attended. Even though most of the children said they wanted to see the deceased, there were also some who initially did not want this and reported that they felt uncomfortable and insecure before they went into the room where the deceased was located. One of them explains why: “Actually, I refused because he was dead and all ( . . . ) Because I XML Template (2015) [19.3.2015–8:44am] [1–18] //blrnas3.glyph.com/cenpro/ApplicationFiles/Journals/SAGE/3B2/OMEJ/Vol00000/150068/APPFile/SGOMEJ150068.3d (OME) [PREPRINTER stage] 8 OMEGA—Journal of Death and Dying 0(0) had never been with him when he was dead, and I was very sad after that” (girl aged 9, who had lost her father). Those who initially did not want to see the deceased were nevertheless persuaded by others to do so. One of the children explains how he was persuaded by his uncle who also had lost his father at a young age: “He (the uncle) said: I felt like you then, but now I am very happy that I made the choice I did, and saw him. Otherwise I would not have known what it was like” (boy aged 12, who had lost his father). All children reported that they took part in various activities during the wake, even though some seemed to have been more actively involved than others. These actions included leaving flowers, drawings, other objects, or a letter on the body of the deceased. One explained how she and her sister also personalized their objects: My sister and I put down each our teddy bears that we had kept in our bed the night before. ( . . . ) It was mum who asked us if we wanted to do that, and we did because we wanted him to have our smell. (Girl aged 9, who had lost her brother) Some children also lit candles, participated in covering up the face of the deceased, putting the lid on the casket, and tighten the screws. Many of them also said that they had touched the deceased, and in that connection, a few highlighted the fact that the deceased was cold. The Funeral or Memorial Service and the Memorial Gathering The children’s accounts of taking part in the funeral or memorial service varied considerably, from those who did not remember many details to those who could elaborate on their own experiences. There was particularly one theme that stood out in the children’s narratives; the number of people present at the funeral or memorial service and who they were. Several of them pointed out that many people had attended and expressed surprise by the fact, whereas others emphasized that particular people had been there, such as teachers, friends, neighbors, colleagues, or various acquaintances. One girl aged 9, who had lost her father said: “Even my teacher was at the funeral. For me only.” Another explained why he wanted his classmates to attend the memorial service: “My class was also there. I wanted them to, because then they could also see and understand” (boy aged 12, who had lost his father). One child, whose classmates had not been at the funeral, stated that he had missed this because: “In a sense, my classmates are quite close to me” (boy aged 9, who had lost his father). He felt that by participating they would have expressed sympathy for him. However, the class had made drawings and small letters to him that he received when he returned to school, something he appreciated. XML Template (2015) [19.3.2015–8:44am] [1–18] //blrnas3.glyph.com/cenpro/ApplicationFiles/Journals/SAGE/3B2/OMEJ/Vol00000/150068/APPFile/SGOMEJ150068.3d (OME) [PREPRINTER stage] Søfting et al. 9 Even though the children’s accounts of the funeral or memorial ceremony expressed a general sadness, there were nuances in their descriptions. One compared the ceremony to something similar to a normal Sunday church service, whereas a few others found the ceremony more difficult to attend. One child explained: “During the funeral service I ran back and forth, and everyone looked at me because I tried to unscrew those screws. I wanted to take him out” (girl aged 9, who had lost her brother). Many children also mentioned the graveside service and the lowering of the casket as something they remembered. Most of them described this in relatively nondramatic terms like: “Then the priest put soil on and then they lowered her down. Then some put flowers on the casket” (girl aged 11, who had lost her sister). For some, however, the lowering of the casket was described as very upsetting. One child who held the rope together with other family members described her immense sadness and resistance when the lowering took place: “Then we lowered it with these ropes. I didn’t want to let go of that rope. But then the casket was too heavy to hold” (girl aged 9, who had lost her brother). The memorial gathering following the ceremony was in general spoken of with more lightness and ease. The focus was mainly on the fact that they had something to eat and that many people had been present: “Then we ate and that ( . . . ) Even those working with dad came” (girl aged 8, who had lost her father). Another said: “There we just ate and talked a little with friends and that, and then we played a little outside” (girl aged 11, who had lost her father). Postceremonial Rituals and Linking Objects Nearly, all children reported that they had taken part in other postceremonial rituals, the most common of which was visiting the grave. How frequently this was done varied substantially. One child reported how she visits her father’s grave regularly. After having been to school, she cycles to the churchyard: “I can look after it (the grave). In the winter, when all the leaves have wilted I can see the tombstone” (girl aged 9, who had lost her father). She explained that she looks after the grave and sees that everything looks alright. She just “walks about” and doesn’t stay there long. It just feels “good” to be there. Others elaborate on visiting the grave as a way of being close to the deceased. One child says that he appreciates having a particular place to go to and that he talks to his father when visiting the grave: In a way you feel that the people you love who are dead are present ( . . . ) We light a candle and things like that, and talk to him in a way ( . . . ) For example, on his birthday I said, “Happy birthday, dad” and then I say goodbye when we were about to leave. (Boy aged 9, who had lost his father) XML Template (2015) [19.3.2015–8:44am] [1–18] //blrnas3.glyph.com/cenpro/ApplicationFiles/Journals/SAGE/3B2/OMEJ/Vol00000/150068/APPFile/SGOMEJ150068.3d (OME) [PREPRINTER stage] 10 OMEGA—Journal of Death and Dying 0(0) A girl explains how she feels at ease visiting the grave and talking to her father: I talk a little bit to him inside of me. Sometimes I tell him what I have done during the day and if there is something in particular that is going to happen, or if something good has happened to me. It feels good because it is as if we are having a conversation in a way. I think I will be doing the same by the grave for a very long time, or maybe for the rest of my life. (Girl aged 11, who had lost her father) Closeness to the deceased in other situations was also reported from a child who had suffered multiple losses. She explains how she feels the support from her lost ones in certain situations in school: I feel that ( . . . ) they are beside me, and for example if we have tests at school, right, in Math or English ( . . . ) Then I feel that they are standing next to me and telling me that I will be fine. (Girl aged 8, who has lost her sister) Other postceremonial rituals included lighting candles in memory of the deceased, including the deceased in the evening prayer, celebrating the deceased’s birthday or marking the anniversary of the death. One child had taken the initiative to invite her deceased sister’s friends to their home on her sister’s birthday because she wanted to see her friends again. Many children also had objects that linked them to the deceased. Most typically, these were photos displayed in the home and also toys and clothes. One also had a tress from her little brother, whereas another had kept a tool that his father had used in his profession. One girl, who were the one who had most objects, had, apart from photographs, also kept her sister’s sweater, three pair of sneakers, and had even taken over her mobile number. Pleased to Have Participated and Recommend Other Children to do the Same When looking back, all children interviewed were pleased that they had participated in the rituals, also the children who initially did not want to attend the wake. Furthermore, based on their own experiences, all of them recommend other children to take part in rituals when they lose someone close to them. The children expressed that they would have become sad and upset if they had been denied attending the rituals. Particularly, three categories of arguments can be identified for as to why inclusion was important to them: (a) to be included as a family member, (b) to see for themselves, and (c) to say goodbye. The children argued that it was important for them to take part, even though it was sad and emotionally stressful to go through with it. Some related this importance to the fact that they too were part of the deceased’s family and XML Template (2015) [19.3.2015–8:44am] [1–18] //blrnas3.glyph.com/cenpro/ApplicationFiles/Journals/SAGE/3B2/OMEJ/Vol00000/150068/APPFile/SGOMEJ150068.3d (OME) [PREPRINTER stage] Søfting et al. 11 therefore should be included in the rituals. This was quite clearly expressed by some of the children. One child responded by asking the following question to the interviewer: “Would you have liked, for example, not to have been in your mother’s funeral just because you were little?”(girl aged 9, who had lost her brother). In her opinion, “being little” should not be a reason to be excluded. She expected to be treated on an equal footing with the adults in this matter and be included in the network of grievers. So did another child, when giving this reason for why she should be attending the rituals: “Because I’m also part of the family” (girl aged 8, who had lost her sister). One child expressed the importance for children to be included, by saying: “Because they should be allowed to ( . . . ) in a way not to be excluded from a family member who has died” (boy aged 9, who had lost his father). Some children also argued that taking part in the rituals was important to them because they wanted to “see for themselves.” They had an urge to know what happened during the rituals. By being present, they got to “know much more about it,” and that it was better to see for themselves than to hear about it through others. In one of the children’s own words: “So that you can see a bit how it looks and stuff” (girl aged 8, who had lost her father). Notably, both children who had lost their parents in accidents were among those who listed that it was important for them to see for themselves. They both expressed relief by the fact that the deceased was not as visibly injured as they had feared. One girl aged 11, who had lost her father said: At first, I thought it would be somewhat strange. I thought that there would be a lot of blood there and that. But there wasn’t. But he had a lot of small spots on his hands. He was sore after they had scrubbed him. I think one of his ears was blue, and that the other was a little bit red from blood ( . . . ). The priest said that he might be a bit paler in his face and that, but I think he looked quite normal. Many of the children also explained that by attending the wake they were given the chance to see the deceased one last time and to say goodbye. One girl said that she would have been angry if she had been omitted from taking part in the rituals and explained why: “It is quite important. It is the last chance to see the person and be reminded of him” (girl aged 11, who had lost her father). Another child also appreciated that he had been allowed to spend some time alone at his dead father’s bedside. He said: “In a way I got to say what I wanted to say, and did not have to be afraid to show my emotions” (boy aged 9 who had lost his father). Even though all children recommend other children to take part in the rituals, two of them illuminated important nuances when touching upon the fact that children are different, and that this must be taken into consideration in the decision-making process. One child argued that it is important that children must be allowed to make their own decisions in this matter: “This time I wanted to take part. I don’t know exactly, but they (children) decide for XML Template (2015) [19.3.2015–8:44am] [1–18] //blrnas3.glyph.com/cenpro/ApplicationFiles/Journals/SAGE/3B2/OMEJ/Vol00000/150068/APPFile/SGOMEJ150068.3d (OME) [PREPRINTER stage] 12 OMEGA—Journal of Death and Dying 0(0) themselves whether they want to or not” (girl aged 9, who had lost her brother). A boy pointed out the great sadness that characterizes the situation and that in his view it is important to give children sufficient emotional space and opportunity to regulate their own participation. He explained: “When they get too sad it is best that they tell an adult and ask for a small timeout ( . . . ) to calm down a bit so that it becomes easier to be there” (boy aged 12, who had lost his sister). Two children also provided information that might be important aspects for adults to take into consideration when preparing the rituals. One girl said she could not take part in the singing during the ceremony in the church because she had not been given the order of service and did not know the lyrics. Another child, whose parents had been divorced, explained that she had not been sitting on the first row in the church, something she had not appreciated: “There were many people there and I sat at the back ( . . . ) well, not at the back of the church, but at the back among those who were family” (girl aged 9, who had lost her father). She explained that she could not see the funeral service properly and had to stand up. She would have liked to sit on the first row. Discussion The aim of the study was to explore how Norwegian children today are included in death-related rituals and how they experienced their own participation and to explore the meaning the rituals had for them. The main finding was that the children in question emphasized how important it was for them to participate in the rituals. On the basis of their own experiences, they clearly stated that they would have become sad and upset if they had been prevented from attending. This view was also endorsed by the children who initially were reluctant to take part, and by those who described that they were rather upset during parts of the ritual performances. Thus, it seems that despite certain emotionally difficult aspects involved, the children themselves evaluate the overall outcome as positive. Furthermore, they recommend other children to take part. Their arguments for inclusion of children centered on the following three aspects: First, they shed light on the needs of children to be included as a family member on equal footing with other family members and thus be recognized as a grieving person in the same way as adult mourners are. In their study of bereaved adults and their funeral experiences, Bosley and Cook (1993) found that the rituals offered continuity and contributed to a “reaffirmation of personal and family identity” (p. 79). “Being part of the family” in a liminal phase of life marked by grief, sadness, and chaos, also means being part of communitas—feeling equal, valued, and supported in a climate of togetherness (cf. Turner, 1969). The children in this study clearly appreciated being part of the network of grievers. This corresponds with findings in Silverman and Worden’s XML Template (2015) [19.3.2015–8:44am] [1–18] //blrnas3.glyph.com/cenpro/ApplicationFiles/Journals/SAGE/3B2/OMEJ/Vol00000/150068/APPFile/SGOMEJ150068.3d (OME) [PREPRINTER stage] Søfting et al. 13 (1992) comprehensive study on children’s view on the funeral ritual, where they found that funerals met the same needs in children and adults and that their participation legitimated the children as mourners. Second, the children emphasized that they wanted “to see for themselves.” It was important to see and actively engage in the rituals, rather than just being told by others what was going on. They reported that they used their senses such as touching the deceased and observing and evaluating how the deceased looked. Merleau-Ponty argues that the body is crucial when it comes to perceiving and making sense of the world. “The human body provides the fundamental mediation point between thought and the world” (Merleau-Ponty cited in Tilley, 1994, p. 14). Hence to him, the source of meaning is not merely in the mind but rather in the bodily action itself. By active involvement and by using their senses, the children get important firsthand experiences about death. This might help them in the process of “making the unreal real” (Brottveit, 2003) and comprehend and accept that the person before them is dead. The funeral consultants interviewed as part of this study also emphasized that in their experience the wake was important for the child in this respect (Søfting et al., 2013). Third, it was significant to be allowed to say goodbye. During the wake, they got the opportunity to see the deceased one last time, give personalized tributes, and feel the closeness. During the funeral or memorial service, they also appreciated being a part of the wider community of grieving people saying goodbye and paying their respect to the deceased. They were taken seriously and recognized as mourners. The children’s voices echoes that of professionals who have argued for the inclusion of children in rituals (Doka, 2000; Dyregrov, 1987, 1996, 2008; Silverman & Worden, 1992; Weller et al., 1988). However, while emphasizing the same points as the professionals; that is, the importance of taking farewell, making the death real, and thus helping children in the grieving process, the children also pinpoint the importance of being included as a family member in grief. Being included legitimizes their status as a “full” member of the family system with an equal status to adult grievers in an important and vulnerable phase of the family’s life. The study revealed that only a few children expressed that they were directly prepared by adults before taking part in the rituals. However, some also maintained that they still felt prepared as they had attended funerals before. Again, practical, firsthand experience seems to be of importance. Dyregrov (2008) has advocated the importance of preparing children well prior to taking part in rituals. He recommends talking them through the various sensations they might expect, as well as how they, and other people, might react emotionally when attending a wake or funeral or memorial service. The fact that the ritual itself probably will be remembered better than the preparation may explain that preparation was not emphasized by children. However, they remembered being involved in practical preparations (i.e., deciding on clothes the deceased should XML Template (2015) [19.3.2015–8:44am] [1–18] //blrnas3.glyph.com/cenpro/ApplicationFiles/Journals/SAGE/3B2/OMEJ/Vol00000/150068/APPFile/SGOMEJ150068.3d (OME) [PREPRINTER stage] 14 OMEGA—Journal of Death and Dying 0(0) wear, choosing music, flowers, etc.). This may result in empowerment as well as increase their sense of involvement. Also, nearly all children reported that they had taken part in other postceremonial rituals and had kept linking objects to remind them of the deceased. Silverman (2000) argues that in order to understand children’s grief, their relationship with the deceased should be included. Particularly, in the early period after a loss, the linking objects may bridge the sense of loss and represent contact and continuity with the deceased. Visiting the grave may serve similar functions, and several children in the study talk about how they continue the relationship by talking to their lost loved one. Nickman, Silverman, and Normand (1998) showed that continuing bonds to the dead person were common among children and associated with less grief over time. In later years, however, the great complexity characterizing continuing bonds to the deceased has been outlined (see Stroebe, Schut, & Boerner, 2010). A greater understanding has been achieved on when and for whom continuing versus relinquishing bonds promotes adjustment. From research on adults and continuing bonds, it is evident that adults’ attachment styles play a prominent role in how continuing bonds can be “good” or “bad,” with hyperactivation and deactivation used for emotional regulation (Stroebe et al., 2010). Hyperactivation would be strong attempts to gain the attention of the attachment figure, while deactivation would entail inhibition of such proximity-seeking behavior. In short, the strive for continuous closeness or holding on to the loved person would not promote adjustment, and neither would the opposite—not seeking any continuation of the bond. The responses by the children in the present study indicate that they have established an adaptive continuing bond to their lost loved one. Strengths and Limitations of the Study This study did not aim to represent all Norwegian children, and the sample of 11 children is too small for statistical generalization. However, the focus is on discovery and in-depth knowledge concerning a specific phenomenon, and the aim is to provide a deeper understanding of their participation and experiences related to various rituals in connection with the loss of a close person. Against a backdrop of acknowledging children as “experts in their own lives,” the results hopefully contribute to a better understanding of children and death-related rituals. Also, the strength of the study is the fact that we have heard the voices of fairly young children expressing their experiences and thoughts about a very sensitive topic. Using a qualitative research method with indepth interviews with 11 children provide a rich phenomenological description of their experience and is a well-suited method in areas where we have a limited knowledge base (Malterud, 2002). Greater numbers of respondents and a quantitative study would undoubtedly tell us more about the overall, numerical inclusion of children in such rituals on XML Template (2015) [19.3.2015–8:44am] [1–18] //blrnas3.glyph.com/cenpro/ApplicationFiles/Journals/SAGE/3B2/OMEJ/Vol00000/150068/APPFile/SGOMEJ150068.3d (OME) [PREPRINTER stage] Søfting et al. 15 a national level, but such an approach would not add to the in-depth understanding of the children’s own experiences made possible by a qualitative study of this kind. Self-recruitment to the study may have resulted in that fairly resourceful children were encouraged to take part by their parents. However, there is little reason to think that their experiences related to the rituals would necessarily differ that much from that of other children. We struggled to recruit participants for this study, and this may reflect that many parents were afraid that talking about these aspects of the loss would reinforce negative feelings of loss in their children. Thus, there is a chance that parents who did not want their children to take part in this study may also have been among those more reluctant to include children in death rituals at all. Conclusion The children in this study are clear in their views on taking part in death-related rituals: It is important for them to be included in the rituals and accordingly recognized as “grievers” alongside adults. They want to be present to see for themselves in order to better comprehend that the loss is real and to take farewell. The children’s own wishes are very much in accordance with professional recommendations. The experience-based wisdom of the children provides a more solid background for continuing to give this type of advice to parents and other adults. Declaration of Conflicting Interests The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article. Funding The author(s) disclosed receipt of the following financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article: The study was financed by the Egmont Foundation. http://www.egmontfonden.dk/int/About-the-Egmont-Foundation/ References Aries, P. (1974). Western attitudes toward death: From the middle-ages to the present. Baltimore, MD: John Hopkins University Press. Bosley, G. M., & Cook, A. S. (1993). Therapeutic aspects of funeral ritual: A thematic analysis. Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 4(4), 69–83. Brottveit, A˚. (2003). Helt naturlig? Sorg og dødsritualer i et krysskulturelt perspektiv [Quite natural? Grief and death related rituals in a cross-cultural perspective]. In K. E. Bugge, H. Eriksen, & O. Sandvik (Eds.), Sorg/Grief (pp. 86–103). Bergen, Norway: Fagbokforlaget. 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(1994). A phenomenology of landscape: Places, paths and monuments. Oxford, Providence: Berg Publishers. Turner, V. (1967). The forest of symbols. Aspects of Ndembu ritual. Ithaca, NY: Cornell University Press. Turner, V. (1969). The ritual process: Structure and anti-structure. Chicago, IL: Aldine Publishing Co. Van Gennep, A. (1960). The rites of passage. Chicago, IL: University of Chicago Press. Weller, E., Weller, R., Fristad, M. A., Cain, S. E., & Bowes, J. M. (1988). Should children attend their parent’s funeral? Journal of American Academy Child Adolescence Psychiatry, 5, 559–556. Author Biographies Gunn Helen Søfting is a Social Anthropologist holding an MA degree from the University of Bergen, Norway, as well as a degree in teaching. Her employment history includes research, senior management and teaching. Furthermore, she has been on the board of directors of the non-profit organization Children and War Foundation. Atle Dyregrov, PhD, is a clinical and research psychologist and head of professional issues at the Center for Crisis Psychology in Bergen, Norway. Dr. Dyregrov is the author of numerous publications, journal articles and more than 15 books, among them Grief in children, Grief in young children and Supporting traumatized children and teenagers. XML Template (2015) [19.3.2015–8:44am] [1–18] //blrnas3.glyph.com/cenpro/ApplicationFiles/Journals/SAGE/3B2/OMEJ/Vol00000/150068/APPFile/SGOMEJ150068.3d (OME) [PREPRINTER stage] 18 OMEGA—Journal of Death and Dying 0(0) Kari Dyregrov, Dr Philos, is a research leader at the Center for Crisis Psychology in Bergen and professor at Bergen University College, Norway. Dr. Dyregrov has conducted research in the trauma and bereavement field for 20 years and is the author of numerous journal articles and several books, among them Effective Grief and Bereavement Support and After the Suicide.
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