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Article
Because I’m Also Part
of the Family.
Children’s Participation
in Rituals After the
Loss of a Parent or
Sibling: A Qualitative
Study From the
Children’s Perspective
OMEGA—Journal of Death and
Dying
0(0) 1–18
! The Author(s) 2015
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DOI: 10.1177/0030222815575898
ome.sagepub.com
Gunn Helen Søfting1, Atle Dyregrov1,
and Kari Dyregrov1
Abstract
The objective of this study was to examine how Norwegian children today are
included in death-related rituals after the loss of a parent or sibling, how they
experienced their own participation, and to explore the meaning the rituals had
for them. Our study indicates that it was very important for the children to be
included in the rituals and accordingly be recognized as grievers alongside adults.
Being included contributes to legitimating their status as a “full” member of the
family system, with an equal status to adult grievers in an important and vulnerable
phase of the family’s life. The children were pleased that they through ritual performances were given the opportunity to “see for themselves,” both in order to
better comprehend and accept the reality of the loss and to take farewell with their
loved ones.
Keywords
children, grief, rituals, children’s perspectives
1
Center for Crisis Psychology, Bergen, Norway
Corresponding Author:
Gunn Søfting, Center for Crisis Psychology, Fortunen 5, Bergen 5013, Norway.
Email: [email protected]
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Introduction
Arnold van Gennep’s book Rites de Passages (1960) and Victor Turner’s The
Ritual Process (1969) introduced key theories and concepts which contributed to
the understanding and analysis of rituals. According to Arnold van Gennep
(1960), the rites of passage, a process from one state to another, could be split
into the three subcategories: separation (preliminal), transition (liminal), and
reincorporation (postliminal). Among the most common death-related liminal
rituals are wake and funeral or memorial service (Reeves, 2011). Turner (1967,
1969) developed van Gennep’s perspectives further, in particular the liminal
phase, which he considered to be the most important rite of passage. Using
the term “betwixed and between” (Turner, 1967), he describes the liminal
phase as an intermediate state of disorder and chaos. Furthermore, he argues
that the liminal phase is characterized by a social structure, communitas, where
diﬀerences between participants are erased.
Brottveit (2003) points out that the power of death-related rituals lies in their
predictability and argues that they have three main functions: (a) they help make
the unreal real, alleviate grief, and repair loss (“therapeutic function”); (b) they
give death a meaningful framework and deﬁnes the deceased’s new place and
identity (“cosmological function”); and (c) they have a “social function” by
redeﬁning roles and resuming activities and help to reestablish order and structure (Brottveit, 2003, p. 92).
The literature on children’s experiences with, and inclusion in, death-related
rituals is sparse, and most of the research has been conducted in the United
States. The conclusions are not unambiguous. While the bulk of the literature
conclude that children’s participation in rituals should be recommended because
it helps them in the grieving process (Doka, 2000; Dyregrov, 1987, 1996, 2008;
Silverman & Worden, 1992; Weller, Weller, Fristad, Cain, & Bowes, 1988), some
have found behavioral problems and symptoms of anxiety and phobia in children who have participated in funerals (McCown, 1984; Schowalter, 1976;
Weller et al., 1988). Recently, a Scandinavian study (Erlandsson, Avelin,
Sa¨ﬂund, Wredling, & Ra˚destad, 2010) reported on parents’ experiences with
including children in rituals after stillbirth. They found that both the parents
who decided to include siblings in the rituals as well as the parents who decided
otherwise were pleased with their decisions. The authors also point to the
importance of parents being oﬀered informed choices and being cared for by
sensitive staﬀ that see parents as a resource to help children in connection with
rituals.
It is signiﬁcant to pay attention to whether one is studying rituals from the
perspective of the performer or the observer (Irion, 1991). Oltjenbruns (2001), in
his critique of methodology used in childhood bereavement studies, illuminates
that children rarely are given the opportunity to tell about their own grief experiences. He states that many studies only focus on parents as respondents, even
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though the parents are not necessarily fully aware of the totality of their child’s
grief reactions (Oltjenbruns, 2001). Generally speaking, in much research concerning children’s experiences, adults’ accounts have been given prominence,
and there has been a “tendency to accredit adults with greater knowledge and
experience than children, even in matters that aﬀect children directly” (Gill,
Stewart, Treasure, & Chadwick, 2008, p. 371). Among studies focusing on children and rituals, some have included children as respondents—most notably,
Silverman and Worden (1992). However, the relative paucity of previous
research into children’s perspectives on taking part in rituals means that there
is insuﬃcient knowledge about their experiences as participants in rituals. To
provide even sounder clinical advice in this matter, a much broader, as well as indepth, knowledge is essential.
During the 20th century, death became increasingly institutionalized and
privatized in Western societies (Aries, 1974). This was also the case in
Norway, where death was gradually institutionalized after World War II with
the development of the welfare state and the increasing mobility of the population (Hovdhaugen, 1981). The changes also aﬀected the way children participated in rituals when a close relative died. The participation diminished and they
were increasingly protected against the realities of death. In Norway, we have
seen a reversal of this trend during the past 20 years or so, and many professionals have called for a greater openness about death (Bugge, 2003; Dyregrov,
1987, 1996, 2008; Salomonsen, 1999). Likewise, experienced funeral agents have
advocated this view (Søfting, Dyregrov, & Dyregrov, 2013).
The broad aim of this study was to examine how Norwegian children today
are included in death-related rituals—in this context funeral ceremony and
memorial service and memorial gathering—after the loss of a parent or sibling,
and how they experienced their own participation. We also wanted to explore
the meaning the rituals had for them. Although the present article describes and
discusses the participation as perceived by the children themselves, another article (Søfting et al., 2013) presents funeral agents’ experiences with children’s
participation in rituals, and an upcoming article (Søfting, Dyregrov, &
Dyregrov, in preparation) will present the children’s parents’ experiences with
including them in the rituals.
Method
The study was approved by the Norwegian Regional Committee for Medical
and Health Research Ethics. We used exploratory and interpretive inquiry to
enable us to learn about the informant’s lifeworld and “to unfold the meaning of
their experiences” (Kvale & Brinkmann, 2009, p. 1) and undertook qualitative
interviews to fulﬁll this aim. The term lifeworld is often used without any further
elaboration. The concept can be traced back to phenomenology and the key
concern is how people experience and understand the world, something which
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involves the description and understanding of things as experienced by a subject
(Tilley, 1994).
Recruitment
We invited bereaved families (child and parent) to participate in the study,
mainly through advertisements in Norwegian national, regional, and local newspapers and in newsletters of relevant peer organizations for bereaved families.
Two families were recruited through information provided to them by staﬀ at
the Center for Crisis Psychology. After contacting the researcher and expressing
initial interest in taking part in the study, the families received two information
letters, one for the parent and one age appropriate for the child. We obtained
written informed consent whereby the parent permitted the child to participate
in the study and then contacted participating families to arrange a convenient
time for the interviews.
The criteria for participation in the study were that the children (a) should be
between 7 and 12 years old at the time of the interview, (b) had experienced the
loss of a parent or sibling, (c) had experienced the loss sometime between 1 and 3
years before the date of the interview, and (d) had participated in death-related
rituals, such as wake and funeral or memorial service. The reason for the choice
of time span between death and the time of the interview was threefold: (a) due
to the fact that interviews can be perceived as psychologically intrusive, the
principle of caring for the research participants was emphasized by allowing a
time for healing after the loss; (b) to obtain information that sheds light on
current ritual practices and experiences in Norway; and (c) in line with criticism
by Oltjenbruns (2001), to avoid that the study was too retrospective and that the
time of death varied with too many years within the same sample.
Sample
In total, we interviewed 11 children. Geographically, they were relatively evenly
distributed throughout Norway. Six resided in small- to medium-sized municipalities (<1,00,000 inhabitants), whereas ﬁve lived in large municipalities
(>1,00,000 inhabitants).
There were four boys and seven girls, and the children were between 8 and 12
years old at the time of the interview. In a child developmental context, this
means that they at the time of the interview were in a concrete, operational stage
and able to understand the ﬁnality of death. The time span from the time of
death to the time of the interview was 1 year (7), 2 years (1), and 3 years (3). The
children themselves were not asked about their beliefs, but the interviewed parents declared themselves as either Christians (7) or nonbelievers (4). Three of the
parents had completed senior high school, and eight had a degree at university
level. The children had between one and three living siblings, whereas one was an
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only child. Five children had lost a sibling, and six had lost a parent. In addition,
two of the children had suﬀered multiple losses (a parent and a sibling) within a
relatively short time span. When interviewing these two children, the focus was
on their latest loss in order to reduce confusion. Two children had parents who
were divorced. Although ﬁve children had experienced loss due to long-term
illness, six deaths were sudden and unexpected. Two of the children were present
when their parent or sibling died. All children had taken part in the wake or
viewing of the body; 10 children had attended funerals, while one child had
attended a memorial service and urn interment. All children participated in
memorial gatherings following the funeral or memorial service.
Interviews
The interviews were guided by a theme guide aiming to explore who the child
had lost and under what circumstances, what rituals the child had participated
in, and how and to what extent the child participated in the preparations of the
rituals, whether someone prepared the child before taking part, and whether the
child had taken part in any postceremonial rituals. Finally, the focus was on the
signiﬁcance of taking part in the rituals, and how the children were making sense
of their experiences.
Carrying out research with children as respondents requires special care and
precautions, and several ethical considerations have to be taken. The participants recruited for this study were in a vulnerable situation, but previous studies
of comparable themes and corresponding methods have shown that people in a
diﬃcult situation do not experience being asked to participate in a research as
negative, but rather as an opportunity to contribute positively in a meaningless
situation (Dyregrov, 2004; Dyregrov et al., 2011; Jorm, Kelly, & Morgan, 2007).
Cook and Bosley (1995) make similar claims when concluding that bereaved
people often experience participation in bereavement research as positive, despite the diﬃcult aspects involved.
The ﬁrst author conducted the interviews individually. With one exception,
all of them took place in the interviewees’ private homes, assuming that the
respondents would feel most comfortable in a familiar setting. The parent was
interviewed ﬁrst. This was mainly to ensure that the parent remained close at
hand during, and immediately after, the interview, in case it caused any kind of
emotional distress for the child. In addition, the parents could provide valuable
preknowledge of any considerations needed before conducting the interviews
with their children.
To obtain children’s perspectives is not a straightforward process. Talking
with an unknown child about diﬃcult and emotion-laden topics is challenging,
and it is necessary to establish a certain degree of trust between the researcher
and the child. Attempts at securing this were made by using diﬀerent
approaches. Through the parents, the interviewer became familiar with relevant
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aspects of the death such as cause of death, circumstances surrounding the
death, who had communicated the death message to the child, or speciﬁc reactions the child might have had. Before the interview commenced, the interviewer
explained the purpose and procedures of the study to the child in an age-appropriate language and emphasized that there were no right or wrong answers.
These initial conversations also gave useful indications of the child’s maturity
level as well as his or her personality. In connection with the interviews, parents
were encouraged to provide albums with photos of the deceased, memory books,
and the like. Before, and sometimes also during, the interviews with the children,
these pictures were used as “talking tools.” In addition, as all children have
diﬀerent personalities, it was important to be attentive to signals they provided
before, during, and after the interview. In one case, this led to the interviewer
reading a children’s book about death together with the child, and in another
case, the interviewer accompanied the child to the cemetery to visit the grave of
her deceased sister. Both happened as a result of the children’s own initiatives.
The interviews were recorded digitally, and before they started, it was made
clear that the respondents were allowed to pause or terminate the recording at
any time. The children’s emotional reactions during the interviews varied, and in
some cases, it was necessary to have short breaks. In one case, a parent had to be
called into the room, as the child started to cry. After some comforting, she
decided that the interview could continue.
Analyses
The interviews were transcribed verbatim and thereafter analyzed according to a
phenomenological and thematic method (Smith & Osborn, 2008). The analysis
began during the interviews through clarifying questions so that the respondents
had the opportunity to validate the content as we spoke. The transcribed material was read a number of times to identify signiﬁcant themes related to the
research questions. The themes were then listed and clustered, participant’s
phases were compiled to support the various themes, and superordinate
themes were identiﬁed.
Rich descriptions were subtracted and are presented in the Result section.
The discussion part interprets and discusses the meaning of the children’s experiences relating it to relevant theory and previous research.
Results
This section initially describes important themes characterizing the “preparatory
phase” from the time of death to the children’s performance of the rituals, then
their actual participation in the wake, funeral or memorial service, and memorial
gathering, followed by a description of some postceremonial rituals that were
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identiﬁed. Finally, their experiences of their own participation in the rituals are
presented.
Preparatory Phase
All children reported that they had “someone to talk to” between the time of
death and the funeral or memorial service. They mentioned one or more persons
they could turn to, most commonly one of their parents, followed by siblings,
teachers, priests, uncle/aunt, or friends. Others that were mentioned were cousins, grandparents, and representatives of the police.
Only a few children clearly stated that they were directly prepared by adults
before taking part in the rituals. However, some of them recalled conversations
with a parent about what would take place, and one reported having been taken
to the church before the funeral to see the room where the casket would be
placed. The preparations were undertaken by a parent, close relatives, or a
priest. Some also emphasized that they were prepared because they had attended
funerals before: “I had taken part in this before so I knew most of it” (boy aged
12, who had lost his father).
About half the children reported that they had been involved in diﬀerent
types of practical preparations of the rituals. The activities were in most cases
not very extensive but could typically consist of (a) participating in the conversation the family had with the priest and telling the priest about the deceased in
their own words, (b) deciding what objects to put on or beside the deceased’s
body or in the casket in connection with the wake, (c) choosing ﬂowers and
writing the last greetings on the ribbons, (d) being involved in choosing the
music for the funeral or memorial service, (e) writing an obituary to the
deceased, and (f) helping to select the tombstone.
One of the children wrote an obituary to her father which the priest read out
in church and was also involved in selecting music for the funeral. She appreciated her involvement and explained: “I wanted something from me as well”
(girl aged 11, who had lost her father).
The Wake
The children viewed the deceased in diﬀerent places and in diﬀerent contexts.
Most of them saw the deceased in the casket in a chapel a few days after the
death, whereas others viewed the deceased in a hospital bed or at home relatively
soon after the death. In a few cases, a priest also attended. Even though most of
the children said they wanted to see the deceased, there were also some who
initially did not want this and reported that they felt uncomfortable and insecure
before they went into the room where the deceased was located. One of them
explains why: “Actually, I refused because he was dead and all ( . . . ) Because I
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had never been with him when he was dead, and I was very sad after that” (girl
aged 9, who had lost her father).
Those who initially did not want to see the deceased were nevertheless persuaded by others to do so. One of the children explains how he was persuaded by
his uncle who also had lost his father at a young age: “He (the uncle) said: I felt
like you then, but now I am very happy that I made the choice I did, and saw
him. Otherwise I would not have known what it was like” (boy aged 12, who had
lost his father).
All children reported that they took part in various activities during the wake,
even though some seemed to have been more actively involved than others.
These actions included leaving ﬂowers, drawings, other objects, or a letter on
the body of the deceased. One explained how she and her sister also personalized
their objects:
My sister and I put down each our teddy bears that we had kept in our bed the
night before. ( . . . ) It was mum who asked us if we wanted to do that, and we did
because we wanted him to have our smell. (Girl aged 9, who had lost her brother)
Some children also lit candles, participated in covering up the face of the
deceased, putting the lid on the casket, and tighten the screws. Many of them
also said that they had touched the deceased, and in that connection, a few
highlighted the fact that the deceased was cold.
The Funeral or Memorial Service and the Memorial Gathering
The children’s accounts of taking part in the funeral or memorial service varied
considerably, from those who did not remember many details to those who
could elaborate on their own experiences. There was particularly one theme
that stood out in the children’s narratives; the number of people present at
the funeral or memorial service and who they were. Several of them pointed
out that many people had attended and expressed surprise by the fact, whereas
others emphasized that particular people had been there, such as teachers,
friends, neighbors, colleagues, or various acquaintances. One girl aged 9, who
had lost her father said: “Even my teacher was at the funeral. For me only.”
Another explained why he wanted his classmates to attend the memorial service:
“My class was also there. I wanted them to, because then they could also see and
understand” (boy aged 12, who had lost his father).
One child, whose classmates had not been at the funeral, stated that he had
missed this because: “In a sense, my classmates are quite close to me” (boy aged
9, who had lost his father). He felt that by participating they would have
expressed sympathy for him. However, the class had made drawings and small
letters to him that he received when he returned to school, something he
appreciated.
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Even though the children’s accounts of the funeral or memorial ceremony
expressed a general sadness, there were nuances in their descriptions. One compared the ceremony to something similar to a normal Sunday church service,
whereas a few others found the ceremony more diﬃcult to attend. One child
explained: “During the funeral service I ran back and forth, and everyone
looked at me because I tried to unscrew those screws. I wanted to take him
out” (girl aged 9, who had lost her brother).
Many children also mentioned the graveside service and the lowering of the
casket as something they remembered. Most of them described this in relatively nondramatic terms like: “Then the priest put soil on and then they
lowered her down. Then some put ﬂowers on the casket” (girl aged 11, who
had lost her sister). For some, however, the lowering of the casket was
described as very upsetting. One child who held the rope together with other
family members described her immense sadness and resistance when the lowering took place: “Then we lowered it with these ropes. I didn’t want to let go
of that rope. But then the casket was too heavy to hold” (girl aged 9, who had
lost her brother).
The memorial gathering following the ceremony was in general spoken of
with more lightness and ease. The focus was mainly on the fact that they had
something to eat and that many people had been present: “Then we ate and
that ( . . . ) Even those working with dad came” (girl aged 8, who had lost her
father). Another said: “There we just ate and talked a little with friends and
that, and then we played a little outside” (girl aged 11, who had lost her
father).
Postceremonial Rituals and Linking Objects
Nearly, all children reported that they had taken part in other postceremonial
rituals, the most common of which was visiting the grave. How frequently this
was done varied substantially. One child reported how she visits her father’s
grave regularly. After having been to school, she cycles to the churchyard: “I can
look after it (the grave). In the winter, when all the leaves have wilted I can see
the tombstone” (girl aged 9, who had lost her father). She explained that she
looks after the grave and sees that everything looks alright. She just “walks
about” and doesn’t stay there long. It just feels “good” to be there. Others
elaborate on visiting the grave as a way of being close to the deceased. One
child says that he appreciates having a particular place to go to and that he talks
to his father when visiting the grave:
In a way you feel that the people you love who are dead are present ( . . . ) We light
a candle and things like that, and talk to him in a way ( . . . ) For example, on his
birthday I said, “Happy birthday, dad” and then I say goodbye when we were
about to leave. (Boy aged 9, who had lost his father)
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A girl explains how she feels at ease visiting the grave and talking to her
father:
I talk a little bit to him inside of me. Sometimes I tell him what I have done during
the day and if there is something in particular that is going to happen, or if something good has happened to me. It feels good because it is as if we are having a
conversation in a way. I think I will be doing the same by the grave for a very long
time, or maybe for the rest of my life. (Girl aged 11, who had lost her father)
Closeness to the deceased in other situations was also reported from a child who
had suﬀered multiple losses. She explains how she feels the support from her lost
ones in certain situations in school:
I feel that ( . . . ) they are beside me, and for example if we have tests at school,
right, in Math or English ( . . . ) Then I feel that they are standing next to me and
telling me that I will be ﬁne. (Girl aged 8, who has lost her sister)
Other postceremonial rituals included lighting candles in memory of the
deceased, including the deceased in the evening prayer, celebrating the deceased’s birthday or marking the anniversary of the death. One child had taken the
initiative to invite her deceased sister’s friends to their home on her sister’s
birthday because she wanted to see her friends again.
Many children also had objects that linked them to the deceased. Most typically, these were photos displayed in the home and also toys and clothes. One
also had a tress from her little brother, whereas another had kept a tool that his
father had used in his profession. One girl, who were the one who had most
objects, had, apart from photographs, also kept her sister’s sweater, three pair of
sneakers, and had even taken over her mobile number.
Pleased to Have Participated and Recommend Other Children to do
the Same
When looking back, all children interviewed were pleased that they had participated in the rituals, also the children who initially did not want to attend the
wake. Furthermore, based on their own experiences, all of them recommend
other children to take part in rituals when they lose someone close to them.
The children expressed that they would have become sad and upset if they had
been denied attending the rituals. Particularly, three categories of arguments can
be identiﬁed for as to why inclusion was important to them: (a) to be included as
a family member, (b) to see for themselves, and (c) to say goodbye.
The children argued that it was important for them to take part, even though
it was sad and emotionally stressful to go through with it. Some related this
importance to the fact that they too were part of the deceased’s family and
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therefore should be included in the rituals. This was quite clearly expressed by
some of the children. One child responded by asking the following question to
the interviewer: “Would you have liked, for example, not to have been in your
mother’s funeral just because you were little?”(girl aged 9, who had lost her
brother). In her opinion, “being little” should not be a reason to be excluded.
She expected to be treated on an equal footing with the adults in this matter and
be included in the network of grievers. So did another child, when giving this
reason for why she should be attending the rituals: “Because I’m also part of the
family” (girl aged 8, who had lost her sister). One child expressed the importance
for children to be included, by saying: “Because they should be allowed to ( . . . )
in a way not to be excluded from a family member who has died” (boy aged 9,
who had lost his father).
Some children also argued that taking part in the rituals was important to
them because they wanted to “see for themselves.” They had an urge to know
what happened during the rituals. By being present, they got to “know much
more about it,” and that it was better to see for themselves than to hear about it
through others. In one of the children’s own words: “So that you can see a bit
how it looks and stuﬀ” (girl aged 8, who had lost her father).
Notably, both children who had lost their parents in accidents were among
those who listed that it was important for them to see for themselves. They both
expressed relief by the fact that the deceased was not as visibly injured as they
had feared. One girl aged 11, who had lost her father said:
At ﬁrst, I thought it would be somewhat strange. I thought that there would be a
lot of blood there and that. But there wasn’t. But he had a lot of small spots on his
hands. He was sore after they had scrubbed him. I think one of his ears was blue,
and that the other was a little bit red from blood ( . . . ). The priest said that he
might be a bit paler in his face and that, but I think he looked quite normal.
Many of the children also explained that by attending the wake they were given the
chance to see the deceased one last time and to say goodbye. One girl said that she
would have been angry if she had been omitted from taking part in the rituals and
explained why: “It is quite important. It is the last chance to see the person and be
reminded of him” (girl aged 11, who had lost her father). Another child also
appreciated that he had been allowed to spend some time alone at his dead father’s
bedside. He said: “In a way I got to say what I wanted to say, and did not have to be
afraid to show my emotions” (boy aged 9 who had lost his father).
Even though all children recommend other children to take part in the rituals,
two of them illuminated important nuances when touching upon the fact that
children are diﬀerent, and that this must be taken into consideration in the
decision-making process. One child argued that it is important that children
must be allowed to make their own decisions in this matter: “This time I
wanted to take part. I don’t know exactly, but they (children) decide for
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themselves whether they want to or not” (girl aged 9, who had lost her brother).
A boy pointed out the great sadness that characterizes the situation and that in
his view it is important to give children suﬃcient emotional space and
opportunity to regulate their own participation. He explained: “When they get
too sad it is best that they tell an adult and ask for a small timeout ( . . . ) to calm
down a bit so that it becomes easier to be there” (boy aged 12, who had lost
his sister).
Two children also provided information that might be important aspects for
adults to take into consideration when preparing the rituals. One girl said she
could not take part in the singing during the ceremony in the church because she
had not been given the order of service and did not know the lyrics. Another
child, whose parents had been divorced, explained that she had not been sitting
on the ﬁrst row in the church, something she had not appreciated: “There were
many people there and I sat at the back ( . . . ) well, not at the back of the church,
but at the back among those who were family” (girl aged 9, who had lost her
father). She explained that she could not see the funeral service properly and had
to stand up. She would have liked to sit on the ﬁrst row.
Discussion
The aim of the study was to explore how Norwegian children today are included
in death-related rituals and how they experienced their own participation and to
explore the meaning the rituals had for them.
The main ﬁnding was that the children in question emphasized how important it was for them to participate in the rituals. On the basis of their own
experiences, they clearly stated that they would have become sad and upset if
they had been prevented from attending. This view was also endorsed by the
children who initially were reluctant to take part, and by those who described
that they were rather upset during parts of the ritual performances. Thus, it
seems that despite certain emotionally diﬃcult aspects involved, the children
themselves evaluate the overall outcome as positive. Furthermore, they recommend other children to take part. Their arguments for inclusion of children
centered on the following three aspects:
First, they shed light on the needs of children to be included as a family
member on equal footing with other family members and thus be recognized
as a grieving person in the same way as adult mourners are. In their study of
bereaved adults and their funeral experiences, Bosley and Cook (1993) found
that the rituals oﬀered continuity and contributed to a “reaﬃrmation of personal and family identity” (p. 79). “Being part of the family” in a liminal phase
of life marked by grief, sadness, and chaos, also means being part of communitas—feeling equal, valued, and supported in a climate of togetherness (cf.
Turner, 1969). The children in this study clearly appreciated being part of the
network of grievers. This corresponds with ﬁndings in Silverman and Worden’s
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(1992) comprehensive study on children’s view on the funeral ritual, where they
found that funerals met the same needs in children and adults and that their
participation legitimated the children as mourners.
Second, the children emphasized that they wanted “to see for themselves.” It
was important to see and actively engage in the rituals, rather than just being
told by others what was going on. They reported that they used their senses such
as touching the deceased and observing and evaluating how the deceased looked.
Merleau-Ponty argues that the body is crucial when it comes to perceiving and
making sense of the world. “The human body provides the fundamental mediation point between thought and the world” (Merleau-Ponty cited in Tilley, 1994,
p. 14). Hence to him, the source of meaning is not merely in the mind but rather
in the bodily action itself. By active involvement and by using their senses, the
children get important ﬁrsthand experiences about death. This might help them
in the process of “making the unreal real” (Brottveit, 2003) and comprehend and
accept that the person before them is dead. The funeral consultants interviewed
as part of this study also emphasized that in their experience the wake was
important for the child in this respect (Søfting et al., 2013).
Third, it was signiﬁcant to be allowed to say goodbye. During the wake, they
got the opportunity to see the deceased one last time, give personalized tributes,
and feel the closeness. During the funeral or memorial service, they also appreciated being a part of the wider community of grieving people saying goodbye
and paying their respect to the deceased. They were taken seriously and recognized as mourners.
The children’s voices echoes that of professionals who have argued for the
inclusion of children in rituals (Doka, 2000; Dyregrov, 1987, 1996, 2008;
Silverman & Worden, 1992; Weller et al., 1988). However, while emphasizing
the same points as the professionals; that is, the importance of taking farewell,
making the death real, and thus helping children in the grieving process, the children also pinpoint the importance of being included as a family member in grief.
Being included legitimizes their status as a “full” member of the family system with
an equal status to adult grievers in an important and vulnerable phase of the
family’s life.
The study revealed that only a few children expressed that they were directly
prepared by adults before taking part in the rituals. However, some also maintained that they still felt prepared as they had attended funerals before. Again,
practical, ﬁrsthand experience seems to be of importance. Dyregrov (2008) has
advocated the importance of preparing children well prior to taking part in
rituals. He recommends talking them through the various sensations they
might expect, as well as how they, and other people, might react emotionally
when attending a wake or funeral or memorial service. The fact that the ritual
itself probably will be remembered better than the preparation may explain that
preparation was not emphasized by children. However, they remembered being
involved in practical preparations (i.e., deciding on clothes the deceased should
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wear, choosing music, ﬂowers, etc.). This may result in empowerment as well as
increase their sense of involvement.
Also, nearly all children reported that they had taken part in other postceremonial rituals and had kept linking objects to remind them of the deceased.
Silverman (2000) argues that in order to understand children’s grief, their relationship with the deceased should be included. Particularly, in the early period
after a loss, the linking objects may bridge the sense of loss and represent contact
and continuity with the deceased. Visiting the grave may serve similar functions,
and several children in the study talk about how they continue the relationship
by talking to their lost loved one. Nickman, Silverman, and Normand (1998)
showed that continuing bonds to the dead person were common among children
and associated with less grief over time. In later years, however, the great complexity characterizing continuing bonds to the deceased has been outlined (see
Stroebe, Schut, & Boerner, 2010). A greater understanding has been achieved on
when and for whom continuing versus relinquishing bonds promotes adjustment. From research on adults and continuing bonds, it is evident that adults’
attachment styles play a prominent role in how continuing bonds can be “good”
or “bad,” with hyperactivation and deactivation used for emotional regulation
(Stroebe et al., 2010). Hyperactivation would be strong attempts to gain the
attention of the attachment ﬁgure, while deactivation would entail inhibition
of such proximity-seeking behavior. In short, the strive for continuous closeness
or holding on to the loved person would not promote adjustment, and neither
would the opposite—not seeking any continuation of the bond. The responses
by the children in the present study indicate that they have established an adaptive continuing bond to their lost loved one.
Strengths and Limitations of the Study
This study did not aim to represent all Norwegian children, and the sample of 11
children is too small for statistical generalization. However, the focus is on
discovery and in-depth knowledge concerning a speciﬁc phenomenon, and the
aim is to provide a deeper understanding of their participation and experiences
related to various rituals in connection with the loss of a close person. Against a
backdrop of acknowledging children as “experts in their own lives,” the results
hopefully contribute to a better understanding of children and death-related
rituals. Also, the strength of the study is the fact that we have heard the
voices of fairly young children expressing their experiences and thoughts
about a very sensitive topic. Using a qualitative research method with indepth interviews with 11 children provide a rich phenomenological description
of their experience and is a well-suited method in areas where we have a limited
knowledge base (Malterud, 2002).
Greater numbers of respondents and a quantitative study would undoubtedly
tell us more about the overall, numerical inclusion of children in such rituals on
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a national level, but such an approach would not add to the in-depth understanding of the children’s own experiences made possible by a qualitative study
of this kind.
Self-recruitment to the study may have resulted in that fairly resourceful
children were encouraged to take part by their parents. However, there is little
reason to think that their experiences related to the rituals would necessarily
diﬀer that much from that of other children. We struggled to recruit participants
for this study, and this may reﬂect that many parents were afraid that talking
about these aspects of the loss would reinforce negative feelings of loss in their
children. Thus, there is a chance that parents who did not want their children to
take part in this study may also have been among those more reluctant to
include children in death rituals at all.
Conclusion
The children in this study are clear in their views on taking part in death-related
rituals: It is important for them to be included in the rituals and accordingly
recognized as “grievers” alongside adults. They want to be present to see for
themselves in order to better comprehend that the loss is real and to take farewell. The children’s own wishes are very much in accordance with professional
recommendations. The experience-based wisdom of the children provides a more
solid background for continuing to give this type of advice to parents and other
adults.
Declaration of Conflicting Interests
The author(s) declared no potential conﬂicts of interest with respect to the research,
authorship, and/or publication of this article.
Funding
The author(s) disclosed receipt of the following ﬁnancial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article: The study was ﬁnanced by the Egmont
Foundation. http://www.egmontfonden.dk/int/About-the-Egmont-Foundation/
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Author Biographies
Gunn Helen Søfting is a Social Anthropologist holding an MA degree from the
University of Bergen, Norway, as well as a degree in teaching. Her employment
history includes research, senior management and teaching. Furthermore, she
has been on the board of directors of the non-profit organization Children and
War Foundation.
Atle Dyregrov, PhD, is a clinical and research psychologist and head of professional issues at the Center for Crisis Psychology in Bergen, Norway. Dr.
Dyregrov is the author of numerous publications, journal articles and more
than 15 books, among them Grief in children, Grief in young children and
Supporting traumatized children and teenagers.
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Kari Dyregrov, Dr Philos, is a research leader at the Center for Crisis Psychology
in Bergen and professor at Bergen University College, Norway. Dr. Dyregrov
has conducted research in the trauma and bereavement field for 20 years and is
the author of numerous journal articles and several books, among them Effective
Grief and Bereavement Support and After the Suicide.