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101 Ways
To Win a
Woman’s
Heart
First Published April 2004
Published by:
Relationship Remedies Pty Ltd
PO Box 535
Beaconsfield Vic 3807, Australia
Ph +61 (3) 9853 9919
Email: [email protected]
Website: www.relationship-remedies.com
Copyright © Jane Roder 2003
ISBN 0 9750 873 1 2
Jane Roder
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No part of this book may
be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted
in any form or by any means, on line, electronic,
mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise
without the prior permission of the publisher.
2
I would like to gratefully acknowledge all of the writers I
have quoted from, for their wisdom and inspiration. An
exhaustive search was done to determine whether
previously published material included in this book
required permission to reprint. If there has been an error,
I apologise, and a correction will immediately be made.
The following authors and publishers have graciously
granted permission to include excerpts from the
following:
You Can’t Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought by
John-Roger and Peter McWilliams published by
Thorsons An imprint of Harper Collins Publishers, ©
1988, 1989, 1990 Prelude Press, Inc.
Seven Strategies for Wealth and Happiness by Jim Rohn
published by Brolga Publishing Pty Ltd, PO Box 959
Ringwood, Vic 3134 Australia © 1986 Jim Rohn.
Unlimited Power by Anthony Robbins – Excerpted with
the permission of Simon & Schuster Publishing Group by
Anthony Robbins. Copyright ©1986 by Robbins
Research Institute.
3
THANKS
My heartfelt thanks and love goes out to all my true
friends who have supported my personal journey, and to
all those who have inspired me to get to where I am in
life today.
There are also all those other people who have touched
my life and left their mark in some way. I will never
forget them.
I thank my parents and my two sons Jos and Abe, for just
being there and loving me for who I really am.
A special thanks to Joanna Giblin, and Simon Rashleigh
for their incredible spiritual wisdom and guidance.
I would also like to thank Sandy McCutcheon, Michael
Auden, and Christian Peterson, for their kindness, their
time, and their professional advice.
And finally thanks to Bill and Mark, two very special
men I have loved deeply in the past and who have been
stepping stones along the way. After all, if it hadn’t been
for love and the pain associated with the loss of love this
book would not have been written.
“Tis better to have loved and lost than to never to have
loved at all.”
- Alfred, Lord Tennyson
4
INTRODUCTION
I have written this book because I see so many men of all
ages lost and confused, not knowing how to please
women of today, lost between the old traditional role and
today’s world that gives out totally different messages.
Statistically women are leaving men in far greater
numbers than ever before, and in far greater numbers than
men are leaving women. This is telling us that there is
quite a lot of discontentment going on in women’s minds.
FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF
If you want to win a woman’s heart you must first feel
good about yourself and your life without a woman.
Explore life and people and be happy being single and
alone. If you are expecting a partner to make you happy
you are coming from a place of unhappiness and need,
and this is a bad place to start.
You must also be prepared to take calculated risks in
order to meet women.
So what are women wanting from men today?
Women love and need men just as much as before, but
today they are looking for a relationship that is not just
about basic physical survival. They want their emotional
needs met as well.
Inside this book you will find a lot of tips, whether you
are in a relationship or single, on how to win a woman’s
heart. You do not have to be lost and confused about this
any more.
See the mating game as just a game. It is like working in
sales. You can win, but there are more likely to be a fair
percentage of knock-backs along the way. This is just the
way it goes.
You must be prepared to put yourself forward and play
the game in order to win the game.
If your girlfriend, partner, or wife gives or buys this book
for you it is not because there is something wrong with
you, it is because she loves you and she wants to have a
great relationship with you.
I hope this book will enable you to really enjoy your
masculinity and to create better relationships with all
women in the future.
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6
KNOWLEDGE IS POWER
BECOME WHAT YOU WANT TO ATTRACT
All women are different just as all men are different, so it
is impossible to completely generalise. However, there
are things women have in common just as there are things
men have in common. For this reason, there has always
been some tension between the sexes. Now more than
ever in our complex fast world it is our personal
responsibility to understand and honour our differences
in order to create more harmonious relationships.
If you want a great woman in your life you need to
become a great man or she won’t stay around. It’s that
simple.
Take time to read other books that have been written on
this topic. There are also many other interesting books to
read on relationships and sex in the Self-Help section of
any bookstore. This way you will have a better
understanding of women and be better prepared for the
mating game and the victory to come.
To do this you will need to change your thinking
patterns, habits and behaviours in order to create a
different outcome.
“When love and skill work together, expect a
masterpiece.”
- Charles Reade
“If you do what you have always done, you’ll keep
getting what you’ve always gotten.”
- Author unknown
We attract to ourselves what is going on for us on the
inside. If in the past you haven’t been attracting the sort
of partner you want, or your women keep leaving you,
you will need to change yourself from within.
“For your life to change, you must change.”
- Jim Rohn
“Knowledge is power.”
- Francis Bacon
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8
GET TO KNOW YOURSELF BETTER
COMMITMENT
If you have a history of several short unhappy
relationships, or feel that the relationship you are in is not
working, you may need to work through some emotional
blocks that have been interfering with your life. We all
have blocks in some aspect of our life so don’t worry,
you are normal.
It is quite common today for some singles to have
negative beliefs about commitment. If this relates to you,
ask yourself, has this belief served you in the past and is
it serving you at the moment?
You will most likely be unaware of what your blocks are
as they are acted out on a subconscious level. It may be a
communication problem, a fear of commitment, a fear of
intimacy, a fear of rejection or abandonment, or it may be
something else that is getting in the way. It may be you
just don’t have the skills that you need to win a woman’s
heart.
It may even be a combination of two or more of these
things and you will find many of the answers you have
always been looking for in this book. It is important to
clear any blocks that may be in your way, otherwise you
will eventually sabotage a potentially successful outcome
over and over again.
Become clear on who you really are and why you do the
things that you do. Talk to a good personal coach or a
recommended counsellor to unravel the mysteries of you.
There is nothing to be scared of; in fact the experience
can be very liberating.
9
All beliefs can be changed as beliefs are just thought
patterns.
A disappointing or hurtful relationship experience may
have created these negative beliefs. If all people created
negative beliefs about commitment after being hurt, no
one would commit to a relationship again, so see this is
your belief and your truth only, as it is not the truth for a
lot of other people.
As human beings commitment is our gateway to
happiness, not just in relationships but in all areas of our
life. It is only when we give our all to a person or a
project that we are able to connect and experience life at
a deeper level. There are many riches that commitment
has to offer, but you have to be prepared and ready to
commit.
Commitment doesn’t have to last forever and it doesn’t
have to mean living together or marriage. It just means
being there one hundred per cent on all levels,
(physically, emotionally and spiritually) while you are
there. You can always change direction if the situation is
no longer serving you. Our lives are full of choices.
10
BECOME A POSITIVE PERSON
Everyone is attracted to positive people. Overall, are you
a positive or negative person? You will know the truth,
but are you prepared to be honest with yourself?
BECOME A MORE INTERESTING PERSON
Be interested in many topics.
Do you complain a lot? Are you a victim of
circumstance? Is it is everyone else’s fault that you feel
the way you do, or do you get on with your life and see
adversity and change as a challenge rather than a
hindrance?Would you rather be numb in a life that is
largely the same all the time?
Read extensively or enroll in some interesting short
courses. Also take the time to watch some thoughtprovoking documentaries on television. In this way you
will become worldlier, more knowledgeable and have
more in common with a greater number of women.
You will also become more attractive because you will
be a more interesting person to be with, as you will have
the capacity to talk about a wide range of topics.
We do not grow in these situations, so start seeing
negatives as opportunities rather than obstacles and you
will start experiencing life in a new way.
Women tend to find men who only have the capacity to
talk about their work, sport, sex and cars very boring after
a while.
Your life will be happier and easier when you come
from a positive perspective, and one of the biggest
benefits will be that women will like you more.
Get the edge over other men and offer women a point of
difference.
“We either make ourselves miserable or we make
ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.”
- Don Juan
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12
KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU WANT
Women are always impressed by a man who has a sense
of direction in his life, a man who knows who he is, and
what sort of woman he is looking for.
Strong independent men who know what they want out
of life and who appear as if they are going places are
always very attractive to women, as they exude power
and confidence.
Confidence, personality, humour, good communication
skills, and powerful body language are very attractive to
women.
A wishy-washy man will always be one step behind.
13
BALANCE YOUR MASCULINE AND FEMININE
SIDE
Women love a man who is sensitive, nurturing and kind
but they also love a man who has the manly protector
instinct as well.
When a man works manually outdoors or fixes technical
or mechanical things and helps lift heavy objects, he is
unconsciously and naturally showing his manliness and
his protective instincts to women. Despite women’s
liberation most women still love “the man in a man” and
they like to be looked after in many and varied ways.
Most women know men who have genuinely achieved a
balance between their nurturing instincts and their
manliness, so in a woman’s eyes this is possible and this
is the ultimate.
14
HUMOUR
Women love a man with a sense of humour who is fun
to be with.
Laugh a lot and smile often. Be friendly, relaxed, and
choose to see the funny side of life. This will make you
attractive not only to women but to all people. When you
operate from this perspective, your life will automatically
become more joyous and interesting.
Practise smiling and laughing, and make it part of your
everyday life.
BE CHIVALROUS AND KIND
Old-fashioned chivalry is a great way to meet and help
women. It is a sign of manliness which women love. It
will also make you feel good about yourself, as you will
be giving back to others.
Help a woman having difficulty with a pram, a heavy
suitcase, heavy groceries, or whenever you see an
opportunity to be of assistance.
Do it unconditionally. This means you should never
expect anything back or to necessarily meet a woman. Do
it out of genuine kindness.
Humour and laughter are good medicine for the soul.
“You grow up the day you have the first real laugh at
yourself.”
- Ethel Barrymore
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When you detach from the outcome, one day you just
might meet someone special.
16
KEEP FIT
Keep yourself reasonably fit and in good shape.
TAKE PRIDE IN YOURSELF
Dress nicely as often as possible and take care of your
personal hygiene at all times.
This will make you more appealing to women, and it
will also make you feel good about yourself because you
will look better and you will have more energy.
If you smoke, drink a lot of coffee or alcohol, make sure
you clean your teeth regularly.
There are many benefits to exercise – increased
self-esteem being one of the major benefits.
Always consider how you taste and smell, as bad smell is
listed as the number one turn-off by both sexes.
Keep your fingernails short and clean, clean your shoes,
and wear clean clothes.
If you have a beard or moustache, be particularly
conscious of cleanliness. Some men also need to shave
more than once a day to avoid being too prickly.
Many women like aftershave, but be aware that too much
can be a turn-off, as it may be overpowering.
By taking care of yourself you are showing that you
respect yourself, and if you are dating or in a
relationship, this in turn shows respect for your partner.
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18
KEEP YOUR HOUSE AND CAR TIDY
WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE
Set yourself apart. Be house-and car-proud. You
do not have to be perfect in this area, but you certainly
will make an impression on a woman if you are in charge
of this side of your life.
Excessive swearing can turn off some women, so just be
aware of your language.
Be the best you can be in all areas of your life, for
yourself first and a woman second.
If you are busy and you can afford it, organise a
housekeeper and have someone clean your car regularly.
A clean organised environment will also make you feel
better about yourself.
/*
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BE REFINED
Avoid deliberately spitting, burping and passing wind in
the presence of women, as most women will be
unimpressed.
Be more refined and sophisticated in all areas of your
life, and you will find more women will be attracted to
you.
BE SENSUAL RATHER THAN SEXUAL
Sensuality is not the same as being sexual. Sensuality is
being tuned in to all of your senses. It is being highly
aware of the taste of things, the sounds and smells around
you, how things look and feel. Sensuality is being in the
present and really experiencing the delights of life.
Sensuality is also about being tuned in to yourself, how
you look, feel, sound, smell and taste.
By being sensual you will be far more attractive and
sexual than acting, dressing and talking sexy, simply
because it will be coming from a deeper source within.
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22
TREAT OTHER PEOPLE WELL
When a woman observes a man treating other people well
she will respect him more. She will also think that he is
likely to be a nice guy and a person she can trust.
A woman needs to feel emotionally and physically safe
in a relationship; so when you are genuine, caring, and
respectful, you will automatically become more
attractive to all women.
.
CREATE FRIENDSHIPS WITH WOMEN
A common complaint from women is that men have
trouble with the concept of “just being friends”.
Women like to be “just friends” with some men, and
more often than not they wouldn’t ever consider having a
sexual relationship with these same men. Women really
value their men friends, as they are rare.
Women are disappointed when a man, whom they enjoy
as “a friend”, starts making moves for sex or an intimate
relationship, as this move can change and threaten the
friendship.
You must not assume that just because a woman is
friendly to you that she is sexually attracted to you. She
may just enjoy your company as a human being and want
to hang out with you sometimes. It is a sign of maturity if
you can have these sorts of relationships with women.
You will also learn a lot about women by just being
friends with them.
If a woman is interested in you, you will sense it. Tune
into your gut feeling and her body language and you
will know the difference.
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24
WHERE TO MEET WOMEN
TAKE UP DANCING
If you are wondering where to meet women, think of
what women like to do and where they like to go.
If you want to challenge yourself and build up your
confidence with women take up dancing.
Outside of work activities, women are particularly
attracted to things like dancing, personal development,
New Age Expos, cooking and craft classes, shopping
centres, art galleries, the beach, and cafes. They tend to
walk, do aerobics and yoga, go horse riding, play tennis,
netball and basketball.
Dancing is definitely not sissy anymore, so you first need
to get that out of your head. If you think that dancing is
not manly, consider that this is a negative learned
thinking pattern, so just change it.
To gain new insights ask single women you know where
they go and what they like to do in their spare time. Also,
consider the types of places where you are likely to find
your ideal partner.
If you have smaller children you will always be in contact
with women when you attend school sports and other
activities. There are also many activities that children
participate in after school. The odds are there will be
quite a few mothers who are single who would like to
meet a nice man.
Initiate conversation and get to know the women you
see regularly. Be friends with them first and find out
about their lives but have no expectations. All women
will respect and like you for being caring and friendly.
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Choose a dance class that interests you. It may be Street
Latin, Swing, Tap, Ballroom, Jive, Swing, Hip-Hop, or
Rock’n Roll. These days there are many different styles
of classes available. You are likely to be surprised just
how much you enjoy it after the initial introductory
period is over.
Dancing is very sensual, and men who can dance well
are rare. Being able to dance will make you more
popular with a greater number of women.
Most women love a man who can dance, so this is a great
skill to have. You will also make a lot of new friends,
particularly women, in the process.
Whatever you do, do it because you want to otherwise
you will be doing it for the wrong reasons.
26
MAKE GENUINE CONVERSATION
HAVE THE COURAGE
TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE
When meeting women, make genuine conversation.
Don’t create a conversation just to impress, as this is a
sign of low self-esteem. Besides, the truth usually comes
out in the end and you will end up with egg on your face.
Women do not respect men who make up stories to
impress them.
With regard to the dating game, most women still prefer
men to make the first move, as women tend to see this as
a sign of courage, which to them is manly. They also see
it as a sign of confidence.
Relax, be yourself, speak from your heart and soul, your
non-ego self.
Women are often now taking the initiative because they
get sick of waiting for men to get drunk enough to make
the moves. By taking the initiative you stand out from
the crowd.
Be honest and real. This will get you a lot further down
the track with a woman than any other tactic.
Be aware, however, there are good and bad ways to
make a move.
If a woman doesn’t like you for who you really are she is
not right for you, so just move on. Just keep
remembering, dating and finding love is a numbers game.
Women are turned off by the sleazy approach. A sleaze
is someone who works the room and takes no time to
move in on women (his prey). It also is obvious from this
man’s actions and words that he just wants sex as he has
no real interest in getting to know any woman. This type
of approach is considered disrespectful and goes down
like a lead balloon with most women.
In many women’s eyes a sleaze can also be a man who
plays around on his girlfriend or his wife. He can’t be
faithful. Women do talk about these types of men and on
a deeper level they have little respect for them.
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INTRODUCE YOURSELF
BUYING DRINKS
If you are out somewhere and you would like to start up a
conversation with a woman, take a risk and introduce
yourself. If she is friendly and you feel comfortable, offer
to buy her a drink (but have no expectations).
When you buy a woman a drink for the first time don’t
think that gives you the right to own her for the rest of
the night and then feel upset if she doesn’t stay with you.
When you introduce yourself be confident, shake her
hand and say, “It’s nice to meet you.” Follow on with a
humourous comment and/or some casual conversation.
During your conversation, add some questions to find out
if you have similar values and interests. You don’t need
to say anything about yourself until she asks, just keep
questioning and listening. Some women will be flattered
just by the fact that you are showing interest and that you
are a great listener.
Buy the drink out of the goodness of your heart
(unconditionally), with no strings attached. If she does
stay beside you to chat for a while or for the rest of the
night, see that as a bonus.
If you receive negative vibes and you don' t think this
woman is for you, just finish your conversation and say,
“It was nice to meet you, I am going to keep mingling,” then move on and go and talk to somebody else who
looks interesting. Never see this as a rejection; it is just
the way the game goes.
Choose to see a knock-back as getting one person closer
to the jackpot of love. You just have to keep playing the
game, and learn from your mistakes.
“There are no real successes without rejection. The more
rejection you get the better you are, the more you’ve
learned, the closer you are to your outcome.”
- Anthony Robbins
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30
REMEMBER NAMES
When you meet a woman you like, always remember
her name and use it regularly as it will be music to her
ears.
Remembering names is an art form, as you have to really
concentrate when being introduced to people.
Continually practice remembering names - it is a great
skill to have. It is also a great way to create immediate
rapport with all types of people.
31
SEEK A PARTNER SOMEWHAT YOUR EQUAL
Relationships tend to work better if you seek out a
partner who is somewhat your equal.
This may be a person from a similar background, socioeconomic group or cultural group. People with a similar
educational level also tend to have a greater chance of
success in relationships.
Sometimes opposites attract, but it is a good idea to keep
this in mind when looking for a partner.
32
BE A GENTLEMAN
TAKE THE INITIATIVE
If you are out somewhere and you find you really click
with a woman and you sense she is interested in you,
offer to take her for a cup of coffee, walk her to her car or
wait with her until her taxi arrives. This is gentlemanly,
and it also is a good opportunity to get her phone number
so that you can ask her out in the next few days, (if you
haven’t already done so).
If you meet a woman you really like and you feel she has
shown interest in you, phone her in the next couple of
days to show that you are keen. If, however, you phone
an hour after you get home, you may come across as
desperate and needy, and you may frighten her away.
Unless there has been a lot of physical contact during the
night, a kiss on the cheek is all that is necessary and
appropriate first time round. Thank her for the great night
and don’t expect any more.
If you tell a woman you are going to ring her to take her
out, do it, don’t let her down. Do what you say and say
what you mean. If you don’t mean it, and you don’t want
to take her out, don’t say it.
Remember, do unto a woman what you would have her
do unto you.
If you have just met and you want a long-term
relationship, don’t rush sex on the first few nights (or
weeks). She will really appreciate being liked and
valued for who she is, rather than just for her sexuality. It
will also make her hungrier for you.
You will interest and intrigue her more by being a
gentleman and by having a different approach from
most other men.
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ORGANISING THE FIRST MEETING
DETERMINE COMPATIBILITY
If you meet someone you like, but you are not really sure
how you both might feel next time you meet, don’t make
your first meeting too long just in case it doesn’t feel
right.
On your very first meeting, it is essential to find
common interests, because, no matter how much you are
attracted to this woman, you will not be compatible if
you have nothing in common.
Suggest you meet for a coffee somewhere and always
take separate cars. A woman will feel safer if she meets
you in a public place. The other advantage is that you can
leave if you feel this woman is not for you. If you do
decide to leave, do not say you will phone her sometime
just because you feel guilty. Simply say, “It was nice to
meet you, but I am sorry I have to get going now.” Be
decent enough to stay for at least twenty minutes before
leaving.
It is also a good idea to ask her what sort of man and
what sort of relationship she is looking for, as you may
not be matched in this area either. She may be looking for
a man to have children with, but you may not want
children. You may want to live on a farm and she may
dislike the country life. You may want a casual
relationship and she may want a long-term committed
relationship. If we do not ask these questions we can
select the wrong partner simply because we make
choices based on lust. Sexual attraction is very important,
but this alone will not necessarily create or sustain a
relationship.
If on the other hand you really like her and she seems
really comfortable with you, tell her that you have
enjoyed her company and that you would like to stay on a
little longer. You might like to suggest that you both kick
on somewhere else if she would like to do that. Give her
the choice. Also tell her that you won’t be upset if she
would rather not, and that it’s okay if she wants to call it
quits. She may or may not then suggest another time that
would suit and take it from there.
Take one step at a time and communicate what you are
wanting and feeling so you both know where you stand.
35
Asking these questions may sound a bit like interviewing
a person for a job, but it is likely to save you both a lot of
heartache later on.
A great friendship may eventuate if nothing else. Go with
the flow and have faith that the right person is out there
for you.
If you don’t know what you want, or what sort of woman
you are looking for, you will need to work yourself out
first.
36
DETERMINE THE STRENGTH
OF HER STATEMENTS
CASUAL RELATIONSHIPS
If she says something like “I’d like to live in London”,
don’t assume that this is fixed in stone. As you know,
people often change their minds about things and they
often have several options and dreams in their head.
If you both want an on-going casual relationship with no
emotional commitment, this may work for a while.
However, these types of relationships can never be
sustained for very long, as our soul urge is to seek
something deeper and more fulfilling.
To determine the strength of her statements, question her
more. She may be just as happy to live in New York
where you want to live. You won’t know unless you ask a
lot of questions and actively listen to the answers.
One of the greatest sexual turn-offs for a woman is not
to feel appreciated, valued and loved; therefore it is not in
a woman’s nature to be able to sustain a casual
relationship for very long.
It is important to explore her statements otherwise you
may dismiss her for the wrong reasons.
Falling in love can also cause people to make moves that
they may otherwise not consider, simply because they
may never have thought it was an option to them.
Think of the big picture always.
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38
BODY LANGUAGE
MANNERS
Body language always determines whether there is sexual
attraction.
When you have enjoyed a woman’s company and you
sense she has also enjoyed yours, phone her the next day
to thank her and to say how much you enjoyed your time
with her. This is good manners and it also shows that
you are keen.
Watch whether the woman is mirroring how you are
sitting and talking, whether she is leaning forward toward
you, showing constant eye contact, playing with her hair,
and smiling a lot. A sign of interest can also be palms
facing upwards, while crossed arms can mean
defensiveness or lack of interest, but not always.
Generally if a woman touches you and she allows you
into her personal space for long periods, she is interested
in you.
If you are interested in a woman also be aware of your
body language and the signals you are giving out. There
are many books that you can read on this topic.
Ask her when (not “if”) she would like to catch up again
and what days and nights suit her best. Converse a little
only if you think it is appropriate, and organise another
date for about five to seven days later, if that suits her.
Take it slow to start with, don’t rush in. There is plenty of
time left for you to see each other a lot, if and when
things heat up.
‘
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KEEP GATHERING INFORMATION
When there are things in common and there is definite
attraction present on both sides, there are other questions
you can subtly ask to determine compatibility (if you
both are looking for a long term relationship), such as:
“What are your passions?”
“What are your greatest turn offs with men?”
“What won’t you tolerate in a relationship?”
“What values do you live your life by?”
“What are your goals?”
“What is your vision for your life and your future?”
“What do you need in a relationship to feel loved?”
“Have you physically and emotionally let go of your last
relationship?
By asking these types of questions, you will be showing
that you care about making a relationship work, and this
will fascinate her. The answers to these types of questions
will also give you some vital information about her
wants and needs in a relationship.
It is also important for you to express what you want and
need in a relationship, so that she can determine if she
wants to spend more time with you. It has to be right for
both of you.
41
GIVE PLENTY OF NOTICE PRIOR TO A DATE
If you want to take a woman out, give her plenty of
notice.
Never ring her one or two hours before you want to go
out as that will make her feel that she is just an
after-thought and not very important in your eyes.
We all have busy lives, and often children and other
commitments have to be re-organised prior to going out.
Always think ahead and give a woman time to prepare. In
this way she will be in the right space to really enjoy her
time with you.
A woman likes the anticipation of going out, and she
also likes to be physically prepared so that she can look
her best. She doesn’t want to be asked to go out
somewhere with one hour’s notice when her hair is dirty
or when she has none of her favourite clothes washed.
She usually needs time to prepare herself.
When you get to know her better, sometimes spontaneity
is an essential and important ingredient of a relationship,
but not when you first meet. It will only build up
resentment and anger and you will lose a lot of points.
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MAKE CONTACT BY PHONE
A SPECIAL DATE
Avoid asking a woman out on a first date via a text
message, an answering machine message, or an email, as
this comes across as cowardly. You can chat and test
interest via text or email messages, but when organising a
date, be prepared to take it to the next level.
When you are at the point that you sense there is a strong
mutual connection, organise a special date. Always pick
a woman up in a taxi or in your car, even if it means
travelling 100 kilometres, unless you are from overseas or
interstate and there are special and unusual
circumstances. Do whatever it takes.
Phone her and work out a time that suits you both. If she
says she isn’t interested, ask her if another time suits her.
If you still get a negative response, leave your phone
number in case she changes her mind, and then hang up
and tell yourself that there’s plenty more fish in the sea.
Always work with your intuition rather than your head.
When you pick her up, tell her how much you have been
looking forward to seeing her and how good she looks,
(but only again if you genuinely mean it!). It will also
make an impression if you open the car door for her.
If you decide to take her to a restaurant, pull out her chair
and insist you pay for the bill even if she wants to pay her
share. She will see this as a sign of generosity, which is
very important in a woman’s eyes. It will also make her
think that you really like her. (Later on you may both
decide to share bills, but not initially).
Don’t expect too much too early when you start dating
someone regularly. Detach from the outcome. Have fun
and go with the flow. Let it all unfold naturally. It will if
it is meant to.
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OUTINGS TO WIN A WOMAN’S HEART
OTHER OUTINGS
Even if you are short of money there are many
interesting and romantic things you can do together,
whether you are in a relationship or just starting to date
each other.
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You can walk along a river or the beach on a warm
summer’s night and take a blanket, some food, and a
bottle of wine.
If you are both spiritual explores temples and
churches and New Age Festivals.
Hire a rowboat and explore a river together on a nice
day. (Most women would find this really different and
romantic).
Go for a scenic drive, stop several times at lookouts
etc., and have lunch and coffees along the way.
If you know she likes nature and the outdoors,
explore desolate beaches, wild rivers, rainforest tracks
or waterfall areas.
If she likes markets take her to a well-known market
and just browse and enjoy the atmosphere.
A music or wine festival can be another interesting
outing. Just browse, relax, eat, drink and enjoy the
day.
If she likes dancing, take her dancing (if you like
dancing).
If you have a common interest, e.g. horse riding or
cycling, organise to do this sometime.
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•
•
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•
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•
Cook her dinner at your place and set the table with
candles and wine glasses just as in a restaurant. Go to
a lot of trouble.
On a cold night, if you have an open fire, light the fire
talk, and share a bottle of wine and/or a movie.
On the days you are working, organise to meet her for
lunch somewhere or to have a quick coffee.
Take her to the movies. Let her choose which one she
would like to see.
Take her for breakfast sometimes.
If you are happy to spend more money take her to a
theatre or dance production. (If you don’t like ballet
some of the modern dance productions are amazing!).
A romantic dinner on a riverboat or in a nice
restaurant is always a favourite with women.
When the relationship has developed more, organise a
special room in a large city hotel for a romantic night
out. Another option is to take her away for a weekend
and stay in Bed & Breakfast accommodation rather
than a hotel or motel. Check the brochures and choose
a cottage that is quaint and very romantic. If it is cold,
also request an open fire.
If you are well off financially and you are both really
comfortable with each other, you may like to take a
short trip interstate or overseas.
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AVOID THE WORD “APOLOGISE”
If you are running late for a date always phone ahead to
say how long you will be.
When an apology of any sort is in order, always use the
words “I’m sorry” rather than the words “I apologise”, as
there is a big difference in their meanings to women.
BE LIGHT-HEARTED
On your first date do not reveal too much about yourself.
Relax, have fun, and be light-hearted, but make sure you
ask questions that will determine your compatibility
before you become sexually and emotionally involved
with each other.
When you use the words “I am sorry” it means that you
care about her feelings.
To most women saying the words “I apologise” is like
being late for a business appointment as it has little
reference to feelings. It is usually seen as clinical and
uncaring.
Women often complain that men are not prepared to
admit their mistakes and/or to say they are sorry. This is
where you can be different.
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ACTIVE LISTENING
When you are having a conversation with a woman,
maintain eye contact as much as possible and avoid
interrupting when she is speaking. This is a sign that you
are really listening to her in that moment and that your
mind is not somewhere else.
This is an important relationship- and rapport-building
skill to use with all people, and besides, the art of
conversation is one of the major inroads to a woman’s
heart.
“The quality of your life is the quality of your
communication.”
- Anthony Robbins
EX-PARTNERS
Don’t talk about ex-partners a lot. If it comes up in
conversation just touch on the subject, don’t go into all
the details.
It is also a good idea to avoid speaking negatively about
a past partner; often, if anger is still there, it is a sign that
you haven’t let go or healed completely. You will also
come across as a more positive person when you rise
above complaining.
When you speak of an ex, avoid using her name as that
makes her more tangible and real in the mind of the
listener.
By taking this approach it shows you are committed to
moving forward, and that you want to leave the past
behind.
At some point it may be necessary to talk about your past
in more detail, but you will know when it is the right
time and place to do so.
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BE EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE
If you have an ex-partner or ex-wife make sure that you
have completely let go of that relationship physically and
emotionally.
In a woman’s eyes, a man who is separated but has not
filed for divorce or hasn’t completed property settlement
has not let go of that relationship properly. Sometimes
men have completed all this, but emotionally they are still
hanging on to the relationship and/or the family unit that
once was. This tends to be a real turn-off to women, and
it can block and/or be the undoing of some potentially
successful relationships.
We cannot go back to the past; we only have the present
and the future to enjoy. Deal with any unfinished
business as soon as possible, finish grieving if necessary
and move on.
CHILDREN AND NEW RELATIONSHIPS
When children are involved, initially keep your
relationship with your children separate from your
relationship with your new woman. Only overlap them
when a serious relationship has been established.
Once children are introduced, do whatever it takes to
continue to nurture the relationship in its own right
separate from the children.
Your children are very important but you may lose an
opportunity to win a woman’s heart if you constantly
want your children by your side. This does not mean that
you neglect your children; it is more about creating a
win-win situation and quality time for everyone.
Look forward to the possibility of creating a happy new
relationship and/or a new family unit with you, your new
partner and your children.
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CHILD SUPPORT
If you are divorced and overpaying child support to your
ex-partner (out of guilt), this can be a turn off to a
prospective partner.
Women always expect a man to be supportive and to pay
child support, but not to the extent that it is detrimental
to the quality of his life or to the needs of a new
relationship.
A new relationship has its own financial requirements, so
always think of the big picture. Martyrdom will not get
you anywhere in the end, nor will it get rid of your guilt.
On the other hand, a divorced man who is paying no
child support and who spends very little or no time with
his children (unless he has a good reason), can also be a
turn-off to women as he will be perceived as uncaring
and selfish.
Be aware that kindness is very important in a woman’s
eyes, but not martyrdom.
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DO NOT DEFINE YOURSELF
BY YOUR WORK
OR YOUR FINANCIAL STATUS
Don’t talk about your work too much or how much
money you have or don’t have, as you will be coming
from a point of insecurity.
A date is supposed to be a release from the pressures
of the outside world. It is a time to switch off, to relax
and to have fun.
Just be the real you, the real you that is separate
from your work and your financial status.
You should never feel as if you have to impress
anyone. Besides, quiet humility can be very
attractive.
You need to be loved for who you are first, not for
your status or what you can financially offer a
woman.
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ALCOHOL AND DRUGS
Just as a drunken woman does not impress men, a
drunken man does not impress a woman. Know your
limits with alcohol.
SMOKING
If you smoke, have consideration for people who do not
smoke.
When you meet a woman who is a non-smoker, do not
smoke near her and do not smoke in her house or car
unless she gives you permission to do so.
Drug taking is also a no-no.
Any form of substance abuse is not attractive as it is a
negative behaviour that gives out negative energy.
You will be far more attractive when you show selfdiscipline in these areas. You will also attract better
quality women into your life.
Be a gentleman at all times.
Be well mannered and you will have more chance of
winning the hearts of many women.
Be aware - like attracts like.
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NURTURE THE RELATIONSHIP
RETURNING CALLS
If you want to impress a woman do not take her out just
on weeknights, as this is considered disrespectful.
Always return phone calls and/or text messages as soon
as you can (preferably within 24hours or sooner), even if
you do not want to continue seeing someone. It is usually
considered bad manners and disrespectful to do
otherwise.
By taking her out Friday or Saturday night you will be
showing that you really care about her and that you are
not leaving your options open, perhaps for your mates or
for someone better to come along.
Sometimes a weeknight is appropriate and necessary but
not all the time. Even if you work night shift or
weekends, rosters can usually be changed. If you are
divorced and you have your children every weekend,
organise a baby-sitter every now and then, so that you can
go out occasionally on Friday or Saturday night. Perhaps
organise to have your children during the week instead,
so that you can get time away somewhere. As long as this
doesn’t happen all the time nobody is likely to mind.
Time out is important for your sanity as well as for a
new relationship.
It is my opinion, along with many experts in this field,
that when you put your relationship with your children
ahead of your relationship with your partner, you are
jeopardising your relationship. Whether you are already
married or you are developing a relationship the second
time round, the relationship must be nurtured or there
will be no relationship.
If you are really hassled and busy, it still only takes a
minute to pick up a phone to explain what is going on in
your life and to say that you will ring back in a day or so
when things settle down.
If you don’t answer your emails daily, tell her to text or
ring you instead. If she is interrupting you and phoning
too often, you will have to tell her that it is too difficult to
take too many calls and that it is best to phone at a
specific time if she needs to speak to you. There is always
a caring way to deal with all situations.
Always remember it should be the truth, not an excuse,
otherwise you are not living with integrity.
If you do not want to see someone again, be honest
enough to say that you would prefer not to catch up again
and have the manners to explain why. Perhaps you feel
you aren’t ready, or it doesn’t feel right. Add that you
would like her not to take it personally; praise her good
points and wish her all the best.
Don’t just suddenly stop ringing with no explanation, as
women consider this whimpish and rude.
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LET GO OF WANTING TO CONTROL
If you are seeing a woman regularly don’t treat her like a
puppet on a string by manipulating and controlling
when and where you see her. A woman will find this
disrespectful and hurtful. This is the relationship you
have when you are not having a relationship.
A woman may go along with this for a while because she
likes you, and she may be hoping things will improve.
However, if nothing changes, anger and resentment will
eventually set in, as she will feel manipulated and
unloved. No matter how nice you are, most women with
good self-esteem won’t stay around for long, as they
intuitively know they deserve to be treated better. A
woman always needs to feel valued and appreciated in
order to give to a man.
FAMILY AND FRIENDS
Never leave a woman out in the cold.
Introduce her to your family and friends as soon as the
relationship moves into a more serious phase.
This is a sign that you really care about her. It will also
make her feel that she is really important to you.
A woman should be an integral part of your life, not an
outsider looking in.
If it is just sex that you want, be honest enough to tell her
that up front, so that she can make a decision on whether
she wants to spend more time with you. Don’t deceive
her by initially pretending you are interested in having a
relationship, then dropping her to the occasional time slot
to suit your game plan.
This is a definite no-no and a cruel way to treat a
woman.
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PUT YOUR MATES SECOND
ROMANCE
Women want their men to have close male friends, but
men who spend more time with their mates than they do
with their partner are a turn-off to women. In these
situations resentment and anger will build up in the end.
Some men and most women love romance as it helps
them to feel nurtured and loved. It also creates a mood for
loving sex, which is what helps keep relationships
healthy.
A woman likes to come first, because in her mind the
relationship must have priority, and love must always
come first.
If you don’t like romance, it is more likely that you have
a negative thought pattern about it due to your social
conditioning or upbringing. Again, this is a belief that
you hold which is only true for you, so it can be changed.
“Actions speak louder than words.”
- Ancient proverb
You will need to change this thought pattern if you want
to win a woman’s heart and keep it.
Romance should be a part of a relationship always.
Don’t ever give it up.
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ROMANTIC GESTURES
COMPLIMENTS
Romantic gestures can include things like:
• Buying flowers or chocolates occasionally for a
surprise.
• Having a spa or bath together with (or without) a
bottle of champagne.
• Scented candles in the bedroom and bathroom.
• A non-sexual massage.
• Cuddling, kissing, holding hands.
• A man really talking from his heart with feeling.
• Special outings and time away from children.
• Sitting on rocks together and watching the waves
pounding in.
• Having a shower together and washing your partner’s
back.
• Sex in unusual places (if you both enjoy this).
• Taking her shopping to buy her something personal.
• Phoning her or texting her everyday just to say hello
and to tell her that you love her (but only if you do
love her). Women love to feel adored and cherished.
• Buying a meaningful card and sending it to her
unexpectedly.
Compliments always go a long way with women, as they
want to feel attractive, but always remember that when
you are dating or are in a serious relationship giving
compliments alone is not enough.
Women need communication. They also need their
emotional needs met as they function on a very
emotional level. This is the unique part of your woman
that you will need to make time to discover.
When you become her lover, make sure you are her
friend as well. You need to be there for her emotionally,
as this is very important to a woman, no matter what sort
of relationship you have.
Think about her needs as well, not just your own.
Other nice touches can be:
• Washing her car and put petrol in it.
• If you do not live together, watering her garden or
mowing her lawn occasionally.
• Complimenting her regularly on her hair, her body,
her clothes and the things you really like about her as
a person.
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ASK
Ask your partner what she needs from you to feel loved,
and what you can do to make her feel special.
It is important to ask these types of questions otherwise
you will just be guessing, and that’s dangerous
territory.
You might think making a lot of money or buying
flowers every week is enough to show your love, but your
partner is likely to have quite different thoughts in her
head. You will never know until you ask.
Never assume you know what is best for your partner
and for your relationship. Every woman is unique.
This is the way to a woman’s heart.
KNOW YOUR WOMAN’S EMOTIONAL NEEDS
A woman is always flattered when a man wants to spend
money on her, but again, you cannot just buy your way
into a woman’s heart. It may work for a short time but not
over a longer period of time.
You need to see to a woman’s emotional needs as well,
and this requires that you put in some effort.
Emotional needs are things like physical affection, open
honest communication, sharing similar interests,
friendship, spending time alone together, romance, sexual
intimacy, emotional intimacy, helping around the house,
helping with children, commitment and respect.
Every woman will have a different emphasis on what is
important to her emotionally, just as every man will
differ. It is up to you to find out what is most important
to your woman to feel loved and cared for in a
relationship, or quite simply you won’t have a
relationship.
It is also up to you to express what is important to you to
feel loved, as we all need to feel loved in different ways.
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GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR EMOTIONS
REASONS FOR NOT RUSHING SEX
Express your feelings and emotions and you will be more
attractive to all women. Most women find emotionally
barren men a turn-off. Women often say it is like
communicating with a brick wall, as big defence barriers
are in place.
There are a number of reasons why it is a good idea not
to rush sex when you first meet someone you really like:
•
It gives both people time to communicate what they
are wanting i.e. a casual or a long-term relationship.
Women know that underneath the surface men are just as
sensitive, vulnerable and emotional as women, but often
due to social conditioning, hurtful past experiences, and
an unemotional father figure, feelings and emotions are
frozen and blocked. Unfortunately our society has
conditioned men to believe it is not manly to show their
feelings, that it’s a weakness. Women on the other hand
see this as a sign of strength in a man; so just relax and
enjoy expressing your emotions.
•
It gives you both time to establish whether you are
compatible in other areas before the passion begins.
This is likely to save a lot of hurt and pain down the
track.
•
It shows you aren’t needy and desperate for sex, and
that you have self-discipline.
•
It shows that you value and respect women; that you
do not treat them as sex objects.
•
Sex too early in a relationship can sometimes be more
awkward because there hasn’t been enough time to
really feel comfortable with each other.
•
Knowing the attraction is there but waiting a while
has the tendency to deepen a relationship and create a
richer experience when it happens. It will also make a
woman hungrier for you.
In relationships women want men to communicate and
express their excitement, their pain, their sadness, and
their fears, because they know that communication on a
deeper level creates stronger relationships and greater
emotional intimacy. Women want to connect with their
partners on a deeper level than ever before.
Women believe it is now time for men to express their
emotions more freely, to free themselves from the past
and move to a higher level of consciousness. Just as
women did in the1970s when they consciously decided to
break down social rules and behaviours that were no
longer serving them.
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WHEN TO HAVE SEX
How long you should wait before having sex is up to you
and opinions will always vary on this subject. It is about
thinking before acting, as sex immediately creates
something more intimate than talk.
It generally has more to do with mutual readiness and
what you both are looking for and wanting in a
relationship. But, be aware: the more times you have sex
with a woman the more emotionally attached she is likely
to become. This is because sex is strongly linked to a
woman’s emotions and heart space.
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FIRST SEXUAL ENCOUNTER
Do not necessarily expect your first sexual encounter to
be great, as you will put too much pressure on yourself
and your partner.
Usually it takes a few times to feel really comfortable
with someone new. This is normal. Detach from the
outcome and just enjoy the moment for what it is.
Humour is also a good way to release tension and
nervous energy. It is also a good way to feel more
comfortable with each other.
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PRACTICE SAFE SEX
In this day and age you should always practice safe sex
(use condoms), until a more serious relationship
develops.
When you decide that you do not want to use condoms
any more, medical tests are advisable for both parties, as
it only takes one infected person to create a lot of
damage. This will show that you respect yourself and
that you also respect your partner.
There is a saying that when you don’t use protection you
are sleeping with everyone else that person has slept with
over the last seven years, and all of their sexual history.
Are you prepared to take this risk?
Unwanted pregnancy is obviously another concern.
Your body and your sexual health are precious. Be
sensible and responsible and don’t take any unnecessary
risks.
SEXUAL AGREEMENTS
If you are involved sexually and starting to see someone
regularly, do not date other women unless you have a
mutual agreement to do so, as this is disrespectful and
hurtful.
In these types of situations you will need to be careful of
the choices you are making as you may be
subconsciously sabotaging a relationship that may
otherwise have good potential. If there is a strong
connection and interests in common, take a look at what
you are afraid of and what you are really running away
from.
Always remember the opportunity for love doesn’t come
along everyday, as it is rare to really connect with
someone on a very deep level.
You may have the belief that being with lots of different
women is like having the icing on the cake, but always
remember the riches are actually in the cake, not in the
icing.
In life we interact with people either out of love or fear.
Constantly monitor your behaviour from this perspective
and choose to live consciously rather than
unconsciously.
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WHAT WOMEN NEED TO GIVE SEXUALLY
BECOME A GREAT LOVER
Generally speaking, in a committed relationship,
women need most, if not all of the following to give fully
of themselves sexually:
Some men do not have good love-making techniques;
this can be a big turn off to women. It is very difficult for
a woman, even when she is in a loving relationship, to be
forthright enough to suggest other ideas that may help,
because she knows that this can be very hurtful to a
man’s pride. If you sense things could be going better,
ask your partner how she visualises the ideal love making
session, and you might get some new ideas.
•
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Chemistry/Attraction
To feel physically and emotionally safe and secure
Communication (emotional connection)
Respect and love
Extended emotional and physical foreplay
Caring love-making
In the end the biggest sexual turn off for a woman in any
relationship is not feeling listened to, appreciated, valued
and loved.
Don’t ever think the type of sex shown in pornographic
movies is what women want, as it often very rough and
forceful. Women tend to dislike this type of sex because
it sometimes can be very uncomfortable. It also makes
them feel like a sex object, and quite vulnerable. Most
women prefer gentle caring sex, (tantric practices being
the most gentle caring sex of all). There are many books
and educational videos on this topic. Educate yourself, as
it is important to understand a woman’s body and
sexuality in general. This will make you a better lover.
Besides, great lovers are rare so what an opportunity! .
I am sure you always read the manual of a new car to find
out what sort of oil and petrol it needs to perform well, so
why not read a manual on how a woman’s body works?
Then, practice makes perfect. It’s easy.
Knowledge is confidence and power.
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SOME TIPS FOR A GREAT SEX LIFE
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Don’t become lazy as soon as you have won over
your woman. Continue to woo her, compliment her,
and seduce her as you did when you first met. Women
are great romantics and they love to feel adored and
cherished.
Women get turned on in their hearts first, so open
honest communication is a big turn-on. The more
time spent communicating from your heart, the more
sexually interested a woman is likely to become.
A woman’s libido has more to do with how well she
is treated day to day and what you say and do to make
her feel special, rather than how good you are in bed
or how much money you make.
Often women need to feel relaxed to enjoy sex; so
help with the dishes, or the children, and/or give her a
non-sexual massage if you sense she is feeling
hassled.
Take time to create a quiet romantic atmosphere away
from children.
Be creative, interesting and a little unpredictable, as
doing the same thing all the time will become boring.
Most women feel more confident and sexual with low
lighting; light some candles, dim the lights or pull the
curtains if it is in the middle of the day.
Kissing is a big turn-on to most women. Ask your
women friends what sort of kisses they like (and don’t
like) to educate yourself.
Make sure you are shaven, and clean before you start
making moves, as you are more likely to be well
received.
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MORE TIPS FOR A GREAT SEX LIFE
•
•
•
•
•
•
Love-making is not just about sex. Create sexual
tension and draw out the love-making act.
Passionately kiss, cuddle and touch occasionally
during the day or night without directly touching the
erogenous zones. This will be a big turn-on and you
will find as time goes on your partner will be just
dying to make love to you.
Most of the time women need a lot of kissing,
cuddling and touching before they feel like
penetration, so do not just jump on after only a few
minutes. This is a no-no, as women hate to be rushed.
In bed, talk to her, kiss her all over and use the
teasing touch. Stroke her hair, hold her hand
sometimes during the love-making session, tell her
that you love her (but only if you do), and that you
love her body, etc. Whatever you choose to say must
come from your heart, and you must be honest,
otherwise your partner will sense your falseness,
which will be a turn-off, rather than a turn-on.
Do not judge your performance on how many
orgasms a woman has, and do not always expect a
woman to have an orgasm every time you have sex.
The truth is that many women do not always need to
have an orgasm to feel satisfied.
Undress a woman slowly and enjoy the process, or
have sex semi-clothed for a different experience.
Learn how to please your partner’s body. Ask her if
necessary. Every woman is different.
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STILL MORE TIPS FOR A GREAT SEX LIFE
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Some women like to have sex when they are
menstruating, be open to enjoying this. (It must feel
right for you too!)
Never push a woman’s head down to give you oral
sex and hold it down as this will bring up all kinds of
feelings of being manipulated and controlled. This is
a definite no-no.
Be gentle with a woman’s body, particularly her
breasts, nipples, and clitoris. If you are too forceful
and rough it can be a big turn-off.
Keep your fingernails short and look after your hands,
as the rough sharp touch can hurt.
Ask about favourite positions. Experiment, as every
woman is different. Some women find certain
positions uncomfortable, so be aware that what you
may like may be very uncomfortable for your partner.
To women, sex is about intimacy and sharing love
rather than just penetration, so lose your ego and your
need to perform. Let yourself go and really connect
on a heart and soul level.
Don’t just roll over and go to sleep as soon as you
have finished having sex. Cuddle for a few minutes
and say a few nice loving words before you turn over.
A woman will feel more comfortable with her
sexuality when she feels cherished. Treat her well and
she will give more. If you starve a woman of love,
attention and emotional intimacy you will end up sexstarved, or without a relationship. It is very simple.
Explore tantric sex for a deeper experience.
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PORNOGRAPHY
Women do not respect men who are obsessed with and
addicted to pornography. If this is occurs within a
relationship the woman will end up feeling inadequate
and ill at ease, and the relationship will have a high
chance of breaking down.
A man who is secure within himself and who is at ease
with his partner and his own sexuality will not need
pornography to be turned on.
Wanting to look at pornography occasionally is usually
accepted and considered quite normal, but when it is an
addiction and a need, it is a big problem to all
concerned. In these situations counselling should be
sought, as there will be some other problems lying
beneath the addiction.
Deal with any addictions you may have in order to feel
better about yourself and in order to create better
relationships with women.
“Sex will either be a sleazy and obsessive part of your life
or a sacred and powerful source of wellbeing. There isn’t
any in-between.”
- Steve Biddulph,
From the book, “Manhood”
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LOW LIBIDO
HIGH SEX DRIVE
Like men, some women have a high sex drive and some
don’t.
Sometimes people who have a high sex drive put too
much emphasis on sex.
Sometimes people have a low sex drive because of a lack
of love for themselves, or they may be in an unhappy
relationship, which causes them to shut down.
Sexual energy is not just about sex. It is what drives us in
life and it is also the source of our creativity. This is why
people who have a lot of motivation and drive in life
often tend to be more sexual.
They may have been abused as a child or have other
emotional or physical problems. Stress can also play a
major part in low libido.
Inhibitions may be another factor. They may not have
explored their sexuality fully, or it may be they just
haven’t been with the right sexual partner and have never
ever experienced great love-making.
A big difference in sex drives usually creates havoc in a
relationship sooner or later.
If a women feels she has not been treated right she will
often not want to participate in sex, simply because sex
is strongly attached to her emotions and her heart space.
In most instances, if you treat a woman well (emotionally
and physically), she will desire you.
Sex is wonderful, but if we are looking for a perfect
relationship or life through a lot of sex, we will always
feel as if something is missing. It is usually creativity
and inner happiness that is missing rather than sex.
If your high sex drive is a problem for you there are
endless ways to tap into your creativity and unexplored
talents. If you do not know what your interests and gifts
are, think about what topics or books always spark your
attention, or some of the things you loved to do when you
were a child that you don’t do now. Ask yourself the
question, “If I had the opportunity to do anything I
wanted for a living what would it be?” The ideas that first
come into your mind will be your soul passions and the
areas of interest that you are most probably neglecting.
Do everything possible to find the cause of low libido, as
with communication, time and/or help it may well only
be temporary.
By exploring your inner world, doing what makes your
heart sing, and by working with your passions and
gifts your sexual energy will automatically be channelled
into these other areas. This in turn will make you less
dependent on sex to make you feel happy and complete.
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KISSING AND TOUCHING
When kissing and touching a woman, a man should not
automatically assume his actions will lead to sex. Most
women need to be kissed and cuddled for other reasons
and at other times as well; they need to be loved and
valued as a human being first and foremost.
Women object to being touched only for sexual
purposes, and in the end they will become resentful and
push you further and further away.
OGLING
It is rude and disrespectful to constantly ogle and
comment on other attractive women, whether you are in a
relationship or newly dating a woman. Women expect
men to ogle occasionally but not all the time.
Women intuitively know the difference between a guy
who looks at a woman like a beautiful painting and a guy
who ogles in a lustful manner.
Be warned, a guy who constantly ogles will lose a lot of
points with a woman, although she may not say anything
when it happens. She often will just internalise her hurt
and hold the points against you. She will also probably
deep down have an issue with trust within the
relationship. This in itself can cause a woman to shut
down emotionally and sexually, thus creating more
problems in the relationship.
Just because you are a man, this does not mean that you
automatically have the right to behave in this manner.
Today people are well informed, and we have the
capacity to operate from a higher level of consciousness
- we are not just running on animal instinct.
Think about how you would feel if your woman
constantly ogled and commented on other good-looking
men. Be respectful, thoughtful, and kind at all times to
women and all people. Treat others as you would like to
be treated.
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FLIRTING
In a relationship it is important to continually flirt with
your partner as this will help to keep your relationship
healthy. However, be cautious of flirting outside the
relationship as it can lead to temptation. It can also be
hurtful to your partner if it is done in front of her and,
again, you will lose a lot of points as issues of trust will
surface.
We all like to have fun with the opposite sex, and we
usually like to flirt with some people more than with
others. You will intuitively know when you are crossing
the line, and again think about how you would feel if
your partner was doing what you are doing.
Respect and trust is vital in a relationship; do not
jeopardise it.
BE HONEST AND REAL
Be open, honest and real about yourself and what is
going on in your life. Do not be evasive and secretive. Be
loved for who you really are rather than who you
pretend to be.
Women in general are very intuitive. They sense
evasiveness and dishonesty on a subconscious level, even
if they don’t consciously recognise it. Always be aware
that it will be internalised in some way, which will be
reflected back into the relationship in a negative way.
Manipulative psychological mind games to justify
behaviour are also a turn-off to women as this is seen as
another form of dishonesty. This type of behaviour often
causes anger or depression and many more problems.
In general, women disrespect men who lie to them. It is
considered cowardly. Most women would rather be told
the truth and be hurt rather than be deceived, as deceit
makes a fool of them as well. Women do not need to be
protected by omissions and lies.
Be a man of integrity in all areas of your life as women
will sense your authenticity and they will admire you for
it. Your life will also be happier.
A man with good self-esteem tells the truth and
communicates well because he has no reason to lie in the
first place.
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FIDELITY
If you want to win a woman’s heart and experience a
successful relationship, you must be trustworthy and
fully committed to the relationship, unless you have a
mutual agreement to do otherwise. Trust is the glue of
excellence.
If a woman intuitively feels she cannot fully trust her
partner she will shut down emotionally and sexually in
order to protect herself. She may also become aloof,
angry, and insecure, which will make the problem worse.
Infidelity is rarely about sex; it is usually about other
issues.
Lies and deceit destroy relationships and in the end they
also destroy a man’s self esteem.
Don’t ever expect to have a happy successful relationship
if you cannot be faithful. Be courageous and seek help
before you get to this stage.
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HAVE THE COURAGE TO SEEK HELP IF
NECESSARY
Men who continually sexualise women and avoid
intimacy and/or commitment have deep-rooted emotional
issues. If you are one of these men seek help to break this
cycle.
An addiction to sex and the continual need to be with
multiple partners can be as dangerous as any other
addiction. While it is running your life you will not find
inner happiness, nor will you be able to sustain a deep
loving relationship for very long with any woman.
The courageous seek help while those operating out of
fear do not.
Be courageous and you will be liberated.
“You want to experience yourself as a person who has
sex without love? Go ahead! You’ll do that until you
don’t want to any more. And the only thing that will –
that could ever –cause you to stop this, or any, behaviour,
is your newly emerging thought about Who You Are.”
- Neale Donald Walsch
from the book,“Conversations with God”
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BE RELIABLE
Be a man of your word and be reliable and dependable.
Do what you say you are going to do, and consider other
people’s feelings at all times.
If for some reason you are unable to follow through on a
commitment, phone to apologise and explain why, but be
aware, continual weak excuses will damage your
relationship and create a lot of resentment.
WOMEN DO NOT
MALICIOUSLY GOSSIP ABOUT MEN
Men can be paranoid about opening their hearts to their
partners because they are afraid their secrets will be
exposed. If you are one of these men, tell your partner
that it is very important to you that what you tell her and
what goes on in your relationship is between you and her
only, not her girlfriends as well.
Always keep in mind that if you don’t treat a woman well
(physically and emotionally), she will sooner or later turn
into a nag, a screaming lunatic, or, she will internalise her
hurt by becoming depressed or sexually uninterested.
The truth is that women usually only talk about their men
when they are having problems, as it is a way of sorting
out how to deal with a particular situation at hand. They
are never maliciously gossiping, it is just the way women
sort things out in their head.
It is extremely important not to jeopardise your
relationship with uncaring and thoughtless behaviours. Be
accountable for the outcomes you are creating in your
relationships, and in your life at all times.
Women are also the first to speak of all the wonderful
qualities their partners have, so if you are supportive, a
great lover, and you communicate well, every woman
within earshot will be wishing she had a partner like you.
“Accepting full responsibility is one of the highest forms
of human maturity – and one of the hardest. It’s the day
we pass from childhood to adulthood.”
- Jim Rohn
Some women talk about their sex life but others don’t. If
there are problems in this area, the woman may be feeling
that she is partly responsible so it is unlikely to be
mentioned.
Your partner talks about you to her girlfriends because
she loves you, and because she wants the best
relationship she can possibly have with you. See this as a
positive rather than a negative.
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WHAT WOMEN LOVE TO HEAR
Women constantly need to feel loved, appreciated and
valued. They love to be told things like:
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
WHAT WOMEN DO NOT WANT TO HEAR
What not to say
•
“I love that dress on you.”
“I love you.”
“I love your body.”
“I thought you looked really beautiful today.”
“I need you.”
“I want you.”
“We need to just sit and talk more often.”
“You are the only woman I ever want, don’t ever
think otherwise.”
“I love it when you…”
“What do you want from me that I am not giving you
as I need to know you are happy with me?”
“What do you need help with?
“I’m sorry … ”rather than the words “I apologise.”
“Will you forgive me for...?”
“I can’t wait to make slow passionate love to you.”
“I can’t wait to get my arms around you.”
“I miss you.”
“Lets spend more time together without anyone else.”
“Give me a cuddle, I need you.”
“Let’s do something different.”
“It’s okay, I’m here, we will discuss it and work
through this; what about we make time tonight?”
“Please” and “ Thank you.”
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•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
“I have my kids, I don’t need a relationship.”
(Fear of commitment, intimacy or rejection).
“I don’t need a relationship, I need my freedom.”
(Fear based).
“Maybe men don’t need relationships as much as
women.”(Commitment avoidance/sabotage)
“I need space.”
“You look fine.”
“I don’t care what you wear.”
“You expect too much.”
“You’re too emotional.”
“You’ve changed.”
“So it’s that time of the month again is it?”
“There’s nothing to talk about. I don’t know what
your problem is.”
“You analyse everything too much.”
“You have always got to bring things up from the
past.”
“Relationships are too hard.”
“So did your friends give you this advice?”
“Don’t worry about it, just relax.”
“I can never do anything right.”
“I know what I am doing, trust me.”
“You’re always complaining.”
“You are never satisfied.”
“It’s the way I am, you can’t change me.”
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DEALING WITH UPSETS
AVOID VICIOUS ANGRY OUTBURSTS
When a woman is upset you just need to listen to all the
details and empathise with her, then put your arms around
her and give her a cuddle.
Anger is a normal healthy emotion when expressed in a
positive way, but when it is continually expressed in an
explosive manner it becomes one of the major causes of
relationship breakdown, as it is fear-based and it destroys
everyone’s self esteem.
If it is a major upset you may also need to ask some open
questions, (questions starting with how, what, who,
where, when and why), to help her sort through the issue
she is facing. This will be a big help to her, and you will
really be showing empathy and concern for her situation.
This will win you a lot of points.
Make sure you tell her that you are always there for her if
she wants to talk.
If she is upset with you, listen to the details without
interrupting and without getting angry, then say you are
really sorry that you upset her and ask what she would
like you to do differently next time. Discuss the issue in
detail, then you will have to decide if you are prepared to
honour the request or not.
Assume nothing, ask questions and listen,
Always remember, the quality of your relationships will
always reflect the quality of your communication.
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If you have had a problem with anger for a long time,
there will be self-esteem issues at the core of your anger.
You will need to seek counselling to help you work
through these issues. This will be the part of you (from
your childhood) that needs healing. The person or
situation in the present is merely reminding you of an
emotional or physical pain that occurred in your
childhood, thus triggering this violent reaction in you.
What you think is making you angry is rarely the issue; it
is usually something deeper which you will be unaware
of.
Be courageous and seek help in order to heal this part of
you that is subconsciously still in pain. You will also
learn more effective ways to communicate and some new
techniques to control these outbursts.
Free yourself from the chains that are binding you before
you lose the respect of those who love you.
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JEALOUSY
Occasionally jealousy is healthy, but too much jealousy
destroys relationships. If you have good self-esteem and
you are secure within yourself you will be less likely to
feel jealous.
If you do feel jealous at any stage, express the fact that
you are feeling this way and the reason why. This will
help to dissipate your pent up emotions. It is also likely to
make your woman feel really special because you have
expressed your feelings so openly.
SOCIAL INTERACTION
When you are out socially with other people don’t take
over your partner’s story or tell the joke she was going to
tell unless she asks for your help.
Men sometimes dominate conversations and take over,
leaving a woman feeling second rate. Be more conscious
of your behaviours and the affect that they have on your
partner before you open your mouth.
This approach is more likely to score you positive points,
and it will save you getting into a jealous rage that will
only embarrass you in the end.
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SUPPORT YOUR PARTNER’S GROWTH
Be helpful and supportive with your partner’s work if
you sense she is looking for feedback. Your logical mind
is likely to be a great asset to her.
Encourage her to change jobs or apply for a promotion if
that is what is important to her. She will appreciate your
interest and support.
Be supportive and interested in any courses or personal
development she is involved in. Don’t sabotage her
success by undermining the importance of growth and
learning, as she is likely to internalise the hurt and score
points against you. Men tend to do this when they are
threatened by a woman’s growth.
Choose to grow with your partner rather than resist the
changes. If you go on the journey with her, you are more
likely to end up with a stronger, more interesting
relationship.
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DON’T COMPETE WITH YOUR PARTNER
Men tend to be naturally competitive with their work
colleagues, but on the home front it is very important
that you do not start competing with your partner,
especially if she is a high achiever.
Support her and recognise her achievements for what
they are. Know that she is not out to beat you; that she
just wants to be the best she can be in her own right.
Women believe that a man who has good self-esteem and
who is secure within himself will have no need to
compete with his partner in order to feel good about
himself.
See your own achievements, no matter what they are, as
unique and worthy in their own right. In this way you will
not have to compete to feel worthy. Separate your inner
self and your relationship from your achievements.
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AVOID BEING A WORKAHOLIC
HELP AROUND THE HOUSE
If you are a workaholic year after year at the expense of
your personal life you will have a high chance of losing
your relationship. What you are saying is, “Our
relationship is not as important as my work.” If another
man comes along and gives your woman the attention she
deserves (that you are not giving her), you will ultimately
be the loser. Think about what is really more important to
you.
In a live-in relationship it is important to help around the
house and/or with the children. Don’t sit back and expect
your partner to do everything. In this day and age this
type of attitude is inconsiderate and arrogant.
Some men (and women) work excessively to avoid
dealing with unresolved issues within or at home. It is
always best to deal with these issues rather than run away
from them; otherwise they will keep being buried and the
situation will eventually get worse.
Our work today can be very stressful and busy, but often
we can delegate work or we can work smarter rather than
harder. Our life needs to be balanced or it will fall apart.
This is where a good life coach can help you if you need
to throw some thoughts around on this topic.
Woman always put love first, so be aware of this. There
is also a saying, “When you are on your death bed you
won’t be thinking… I should have spent more time at the
office.”
Statistics throughout Europe, North America, and
Australasia reveal that despite women’s liberation,
women are still doing more than their fair share of the
household chores, even when they are working full-time.
Some women who do not work full-time are happy to
take on this role; however, many women feel that they are
still getting the raw end of the deal. This can create some
resentment in relationships.
Use your initiative and look for things that need to be
done. For example, bring the washing in off the line, or
hang out the wet washing, perhaps wipe down the
benches, and load the dishwasher. There are many things
that women do continually and automatically, usually
without asking for help. Tune into all these things so that
you don’t take them for granted.
Women are natural nurturers, but these days when they
are working and often looking after children as well, they
need and expect help on the home front.
Always remember, the more you help, the more energy
your partner will have left for you.
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HELP WITH THE CHILDREN
Some women find they are very tired and exasperated
when they are at home looking after small children all
day.
It is important that you understand that your partner may
feel as though she has lost part of her identity now that
she is a mother at home. She may also feel rather isolated
and trapped by the mothering process, even though she
hasn’t voiced this to you.
Some women find being at home with small children
harder than being in the work-force all day. Never think
your partner has the easy end of the deal. Put yourself in
her shoes.
A woman at home with small children often craves her
husband’s companionship because she is with children
and women most of the day. At this time in your
relationship, it is very important to spend more time just
hanging out with her, being totally there for her, and
helping more. Don’t abandon her at this time or she may
end up abandoning you, by shutting off sexually or by
physically leaving you!
POINT-SCORING
Whether you like it or not women have lists in their head
and they point-score. Don’t see this as a negative. See
this as a bank balance whereby you will need to make
regular deposits in order to keep your account in the
black. The only difference is that this is a love
relationship.
Make a joke of it, and ask your woman how your points
are going and see what she says. This might save you
some grief later on when, out of the blue, all of the past
may suddenly get dumped on you. By asking this
question you will also learn a lot about yourself. It will
allow you to deal with issues that need resolving and get
some deposits back into your account. Sometimes some
“sorrys” may also be needed.
A man is often oblivious to the fact that he has really
upset a woman. He’ll often think, she’s pre-menstrual or
menopausal, or the upset is minor and it will pass. Never
take this for granted. Tune into what she is complaining
about, as she my just walk out the door one day and you
won’t know why.
Organise a baby-sitter once a week so that you can have
time alone. This is very important. The bottom line is that
if the relationship is not nurtured by both of you, your
children won’t have a mother and father who are still
together.
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RELATIONSHIP WARNING SIGNS
If your partner is depressed, sexually uninterested, or
angry and insecure, she is showing signs that she may be
unhappy with you. Other possible signs of unhappiness
are emotional distance, being constantly busy (to avoid
being with you), and/or taking drugs, gambling, or
drinking heavily.
If any of these are apparent in your relationship, you need
to sit down and have a long talk and ask what she would
like from you that you are not giving her, then take the
request seriously. Be prepared to have a good look at
yourself. Tell her that you want her to be happy because
you love her. She may just need you to spend more time
with her or for you to stop criticising her. Just ask and
find out before it is too late.
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CREATE AGREEMENTS
If there is a problem in your relationship, sit down and
negotiate an agreement on the issue so that you both
know where you stand next time the same situation
occurs.
If an agreement is constantly broken, the agreement will
either have to be amended (if both agree), or it will
eventually cause a breakdown in the relationship.
Get to know each other’s personal boundaries (toleration
points), then make agreements and honour them.
“If you try to persuade someone to do one thing, and he
does the other, the fault was in your communication. You
didn’t find a way to get your message through.”
- Anthony Robbins
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A WOMAN DOES NOT WANT TO CHANGE YOU
- SHE JUST WANTS
A STRONG RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU
Men seem to think women want to change and control
them, but what women really want is for men to be more
open with their emotions and to communicate more.
Women just want to make a difference - to create a
stronger relationship. A woman does this because she
loves her partner and she wants the relationship to last,
not because she wants to control or change him.
As men and women we sometimes need to change our
habits and behaviours or improve our communication
skills to create better relationships with others. This does
not mean we are changing who we are. For example, if
your partner gets angry because you only touch her when
you want sex, this behaviour can easily be changed to
create a more harmonious relationship. Separate your
behaviours and habits from “the you that she loves”, and
you will be happier to make some adjustments.
We can all improve aspects of ourselves. This should be
seen as a good thing rather than a bad thing. If you are
not prepared to put in some effort and make some
adjustments to suit your partner you will always have
difficulty with relationships.
“Most people enter into relationships with an eye toward
what they can get out of them, rather than what they can
put into them.”- Neale Donald Walsch
from the book, “Conversations with God”
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COMMUNICATE
The worst thing a man can do is walk out when there is
an issue that needs to be discussed. Women see this as
cowardly.
A man often thinks it will all blow over if he walks away,
that she is pre-menstrual or that she has had a bad day.
He doesn’t realise the issue will still remain simmering
under the surface. It will re-occur again and again, so you
may as well deal with the issue when it first rears its ugly
head. If you keep walking away, you are minimising the
importance of a woman’s feelings and concerns, and that
is the worst thing you can do. You may end up not
having a relationship because of it. .
Find out what is annoying your partner the most and
causing her to feel upset. Then you will have a better
understanding of why it may be important to change that
particular behavioural pattern for your partner. Also ask
her what she would like you to do instead.
In the end it is up to you whether or not you are
prepared to make the necessary adjustments. Sometimes
we can and we will. Other times we may be
compromising our personal power and an important part
of ourselves if something significant is asked of us that
we feel is unreasonable.
Be prepared to communicate, to compromise, and to
make adjustments, but be true to yourself. To be true
to yourself you will also need to say no sometimes.
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GET YOUR PRIORITIES RIGHT
A relationship is like a garden: it needs to be continually
attended to, nurtured and watered, or it will die.
Be strong and independent, but do not take your partner
for granted and continually put her at the bottom of your
priority list after work, sport, your mates or other things
that are important to you.
In order to win a woman’s heart you must continually
communicate and show your love in many and varied
ways. Do not wait until there is a problem to put time and
energy into your relationship, as it may be too late by
then to rectify the damage.
If you nurture your relationship you too will reap the
rewards. Your sex life is more likely to thrive, you will be
loved dearly, and you will feel much happier in your dayto-day life. You will also be far more productive and
creative at work because your personal life is stable.
“In relationships we must love, give and grow, but we
must never lose ourselves and give up who we are.”
- Jane Roder
CONCLUSION
Women were once prisoners of their own minds due to
their social conditioning. They have now evolved and
changed through thinking differently, educating
themselves, and taking the necessary action to change
their supposed “lot in life”.
Women now see men as prisoners of their own minds and
their social conditioning – often the products of
unresponsive fathers who themselves had lost touch with
their emotions.
Many women now want men to evolve and grow so that
relationships are not just about survival and basic
physical needs. These types of relationships ultimately
become very boring, as there is no communication and
growth.
More and more, women want relationships to be equal
partnerships that evolve and change, serving each other’s
emotional needs, creativity and personal growth. Women
are not just looking for a breadwinner anymore.
Australian psychologist and author Steve Biddulph urges
men to heal, evolve and grow emotionally by learning
from women and giving more attention to their inner
needs.
This book may just be the beginning of a new inner
journey for you. Congratulations on taking this first step.
and may your life be everything you want it to be.
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Other Books by Jane Roder:
How to Find Your Soul Mate
Discover some new ways to attract the partner of your
dreams into your life. If you are sick of being single and
looking for a different approach this book is for you. For
more information about this e-book. Click Here
“Men’s enemies are often on the inside – in the walls we
put up around our heart.”
- Steve Biddulph
How to Achieve a Successful Separation &
Divorce
The secrets to an amicable separation and divorce
exposed. A must have for all those wishing to separate
but are afraid to move into the unknown, or for those
already separated looking for practical solutions. For
more information about this e-book. Click Here
The Secrets to Finding Your Soul Mate
E-Workbook
If you haven’t got time to attend a workshop this
workbook is for you. For more information about this eworkbook. Click Here.
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Counselling and Coaching
Visit www.relationship-remedies.com for counselling or
coaching by the author.
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