1. society
2. sex

v12n1 poster (Final).qxp
1/12/05
12:43 PM
Page 1
ONLY
CALL HER
1.5 TIMES
MORE
THAN SHE
CALLS YOU
ALWAYS
HAVE THREE
PROSPECTS
ON THE GO
Illustration by Jeneleen Floyd
The way you get a girl is to say, ‘No problem.’
Everything, no problem,” says a Russian mobster
named Peter that’s sitting next to me at dinner. “If they
late then you just have a drink alone. When they show up
you say, ‘Hey, don’t worry about it.’ And you go on with
the night. Everything is no problem forever and ever.
Don’t call me back —no problem. See you on the street
with another guy — no problem.”
Peter now has the attention of the entire table. He
moves his head from far left to far right in a sweeping
gesture that’s so slow it makes me think he’s totally forgotten what the fuck he was talking about. After making
sure everyone is silent, he adds, “… then … when she
finally say those three words. When she finally say, ‘I
love you’. YOU TURN THAT BITCH OVER AND YOU
FUCKING PUNISH HER FOR ALL THE BULLSHIT SHE
PUT YOU THROUGH!!!”
Peter is a scary meathead who talks to trees, wears
Zubas and is about to go to jail for double homicide.
He’s also kind of right. The best way to get the girl you
like is to be laid-back and casual, then, once you have
her, be a Russian mobster. That’s easier said than done.
Picking up chicks is hard. All women have to do to get
laid is say “yes” and lie down. Even fat girls can do well
if they put on high heels and wait until last call. Blacks
get to fuck whomever they want and if they go to
Scotland they get laid even more than that. Gays and
lesbians get so laid they’re already bored with it. But
what about the other 2.98756 billion of us? How do we
get laid? Read on, motherfucker…
FUN GUY
The problem with really wanting to get laid is you look
like someone who really wants to get laid. The horny you
is like the marketing head in How to Get Ahead in
Advertising. You have to deny him or he will kill you.
Instead of worrying about who is going to fuck you, just
go out and be gregarious guy. “Hey, what’s your name?
Oh, Mark? How’s it going, Mark? I’m Chris. Who’s this?”
“I’m Julie.” “Hey Julie. Do you guys want some
Percodan?” We know you want to fuck Julie. We all want
to fuck Julie. Just don’t admit it to anyone. Not even to
yourself. Even if a close female friend, one you trust, asks
if you want to fuck Julie, make a joke like, “I want to fuck
MARK, don’t you? Meow!” Nobody needs to know you
have a penis. Of course, you have to be careful with this
kind of attitude and not be too faggy. Throw in a few
“That’s nobody’s business but my own” and maybe protect one or two girls from those wasted geriatric Polish
guys that are always hanging around. You need to establish that you are not a pussy and you need to make sure
you don’t slip into the friend zone (more on that later). If
you’re really outgoing and pals-y, you should have a ton
of numbers and email addresses at the end of the night.
Throw the dude ones in the garbage.
like she’s one of the guys. “Hey, what’s going on, it’s me,
Red Pants [an allusion to a previous inside joke you guys
have]. We’re all at DaVinci’s and it’s pretty fun. Some
wasted old lady is dancing naked on the bar and everyone
from the Shit Biscuit is here. On a 1 to 10 fun scale I’d
give it an 8.2 [she laughs]. From now on I’ll only call you
when it’s an 8 or over. I’ll be your fun spy. Anyway, it’s at
360 1st Avenue. See you there.”
Now don’t call her again, you fucking anus! Don’t call
her at 4 AM asking her why she didn’t show. You’re fun
guy. You’re not Heavy Vibes Guy. Remember what the
Russian said. Also, the odds are she just came out of a
shitty and serious relationship and the last thing she
needs is more drunk questions on her answering
machine at dawn. You can only call a girl 1.5 times more
than she calls you.
moment you meet her until she’s lying naked in bed next
to you. Don’t come up for air. It doesn’t even matter what
you talk about — do observational Seinfeld shit like,
“Man, have you ever tried the grape drink at that pizza
place on 1st and Saint Mark’s? It’s like a grape EXPLOSION. Now I know what the soldiers in Iraq are going
through. Only in grape.” On and on, yadda yadda. Be as
crazy as you want to be, but have a few serious bombs so
she’s knows you’re not totally fucked in the head. Like if
Iraq comes up you could say, “I just hate that there’s no
real open discourse about the pros and cons of it.
Nobody’s willing to stop screaming ‘Hitler’ and ‘Satan’
and calmly discuss it. Like I’ve heard some really
informed people call it ‘the right war fought the wrong
way.’ Why can’t that angle be discussed?” Then it’s back
to crazy guy (holy fuck are you ever deep).
BILL MURRAY IN ‘STRIPES’
QUIET GUY
Fuck Cool J. He’s a fucking cheeseball. Ladies Love BM.
Remember when he lifts her up on to the stove and then
starts jabbing her bum with a spatula? No woman on
earth can resist that. It’s the best of all worlds. He is
strong and funny and weird, but also kind of a lovable
fuck-up. If you’re coming fresh out of the gate and you’re
looking for somewhere to start, this character (I think his
name was Winger) is you.
In high school it kind of works to be the standoffish silent
type that nobody can figure out. You could even make up
some bullshit about being “celibate.” When you’re celibate you’re basically Judd Nelson from Breakfast Club
meets Ally Sheedy from Breakfast Club. You’ve been
through a lot that you don’t want to talk about, you’re pretty intense AND you don’t have AIDS. Saying “Leave me
alone” is great for attention in high school because it’s
confined quarters and you’re always in everyone’s face.
BUT DO NOT TRY THIS AFTER HIGH SCHOOL!
There’s too much other stuff going on for people to give a
shit if you want to be left alone. They’re all, “OK cool, see
ya!” and there you are, literally alone.
HANGING BY A THREAD
Calling a girl over 1.5 times more than she calls you
makes you look desperate (by the way, never use the word
“desperate” in any context whatsoever. Don’t say you are
“desperate to get that vintage Samhain deck” or anything. The word has a heavy hex on it). If you have
reached out to a girl you like and after a few days it
becomes clear it’s going nowhere, here’s a good lastditch-effort text message: “I guess that’s it then. I’m
moving out. What the fuck are we going to do about the
cats?” Showing that you don’t really care about her not
digging you is often all it takes to get her back.
TOOTS AND THE MAYTALS
Know that when you finally do get her alone and into a
date scenario you are going to be farting your fucking ass
off. There’s something about the adrenaline rush first
dates give you that makes your bowels go bananas. Bring
matches. When you feel one of them coming on go to the
bathroom, open up your cheeks, and let it silently blow
out. Then light a match.
If she ends up sleeping over you are probably going
to have a monstrous shit the next day (it took a lot of
booze and drugs to pull this off) so have the matches
ready for that too.
If you really want this to go well, we can’t say enough
about Beano. Free samples are pretty easy to get online
and they are a fart’s worst enemy.
DATE PACK
FUN GUY: PHASE TWO
You should get a lot of other stuff too. You should get a
whole date pack together. Like: Beano, matches, coke
(more later), Viagra (again, later), Adderall (lates), and
two Maxx condoms. But be warned! There is a weird
curse on guys who go out at night with condoms. For
some reason a girl can smell the rubber and know that
you fully intend to put your penis in her vagina and go in
and out and in and out. It might be best to avoid the hex
and just throw them out of your date pack. Sometimes
getting venereal warts is worth it. Besides, if she’s really
against having sex without a condom you can just do oral
stuff, which is what God intended for first-timers anyway.
You shouldn’t take a girl out on a date until you’ve fucked
her at least once. Before any kind of dating scenario you
have to extend your fun-guy phase just a little bit longer.
That means if you want to see her again you call her from
somewhere really fun and basically invite her to a party
We’ve told you this a million times before: You don’t talk,
you don’t fuck. You have to keep chatting from the first
TALKING, LAUGHING, FUCKING
BIG WORDS
It’s good to know about four or five 50-cent words you can
stuff into a conversation so you sound well read. Don’t
fuck them up the way black people do, but don’t overuse
them either. We recommend putting your fancy word next
to a swear. Here are some examples: “… so she walks in
all precocious like we give a shit,” or “…and it’s the
same old pedantic bullshit he’s always going on about,”
or “She’s got this big fucking turgid zit right in the center of her face.” When people seem baffled by your big
word, pretend you don’t understand what they’re talking
about (you read so much you can’t tell the easy words
from the hard words).
Oh, I forgot to mention this. Don’t talk about weird
shit. Keep it light. If you have this memory where you saw
a dragonfly eating its own eyes, keep it to yourself. In
case you didn’t know, that’s what murdering rapists talk
about too.
HOW TO BE FUNNY
You don’t have to be Gallagher to be funny. The funniest
shit is just being totally honest. Like “Do you ever feel
uncomfortable in places like this? Everyone seems so put
together. What are you supposed to do with your arms if
you don’t smoke? Can you imagine how relaxed people
with no arms must be? I wish I had no arms.” Saying
totally honest and humbling stuff like this is literally
funny because it’s true. It also shows you are ballsy
enough to not give a shit what people think of you.
HORNY DUDE
Completely abandoning friendly guy is some really risky
shit, but it’s one of the greatest places to be in pick-up
land. This is usually only possible when you’ve heard
that she likes you AND you’re feeling more “on” than
you’ve ever been. That’s when you can say things like “I
would ruin your life. I would take you home and walk
you over to the bedroom by your hair. Then I would
spank your ass so fucking hard it would feel like it was
on fire. Then I’d lick your pussy so fucking slow you’d
get a stomachache.”
Shit, I’m making myself horny. Being this on happens
rarely, and if she’s ready to hear shit like this she’s
already totally sold on you. The reason we’ve included
“horny dude” here is so you know he is the antidote to
Ducky. Use him VERY sparingly or become another coldcall creep.
THE COLD CALL
The problem with this is the message you’re sending just
by doing it. When you walk up to a stranger in a bar and
say hello, what you’re really saying is, “All I know about
you is that you’re attractive but that’s enough for me to
want to start a relationship. My priorities are, ‘Is she hot?’
and then I go from there.”
Those are what everyone’s priorities are but you’re not
supposed to admit it. Can’t you at least wait until there’s
some kind of eye contact? I don’t know what advice to
give you cold-call guys. Frankly, I think you’re all a bunch
of assholes. It’s creeps like you that have made it so hard
for the rest of us to get anywhere.
the Fat Friend” article, an ally on the other side is worth
a thousand good lines. (Who fucking uses “lines” these
days anyway? Do you really want to fuck a girl who
believes in astrology?)
THE FIX UP
Speaking of research, if you can find an OK-looking girl
who wants to be your friend, has no interest in you, and
isn’t hurt that you have no interest in her (rarer than you
think), get her to do your research. You can find out if the
girl is single, when she last had sex, how long her previous relationship was, why they broke up, does she drink,
etc. The list goes on. Going in well prepared is almost as
good as going in not ugly. Even if you get caught you’re
fine because at least the girl knows you’re friends with
girls. Murdering rapists are not friends with girls.
MULATTO BABIES
If you are any kind of race at all you’d be stupid not to
play the race card. A great mulatto trick is to go up to the
white girl and ask her what her parents would think about
you two going out. Girls love the idea of torturing their
Archie Bunker fathers and there’s no reason why you
shouldn’t get your cut of that.
Also, if you’re sitting down at the bar, put your hand
near hers and JOKINGLY (remember comedy is crucial in
scenarios like this) ask her what “our” babies are going
to look like. Everyone knows mixed races are the bestlooking kids around so it’s good to plant those seeds in
the back of her head.
EMAIL
This is the ideal way to court. She’s sitting there, bored
at work, hating on her friends, and wondering if anyone
really cares about her. Then— dananalalaing — new message. “Hey, have you seen this guy who holds cuddle parties? What a fucking loser. He wants to create a ‘safe
space’ for people to touch each other’s bodies. Can you
say ‘faggoty nonsense?’”
Or maybe something less harsh. That’s the beauty of
email. You can spend hours and hours perfectly honing
your message to be exactly what she needs to hear.
THE DREAM TRICK
THE FRIEND ZONE
If you’re into a girl and you’re not sure if she’s into you,
a great way to carefully gauge what’s going on is to pretend you had a dream about her. When you see her you
go, “Holy shit, I just remembered something. I had a
dream about you last night.” If she recoils in horror you
can back off by saying something like, “We were fighting
this giant fireman that looked like that Iron Maiden guy.
I think Riddick was there — weird.” She’ll say, “Ooooh
kaaaye” and you will just shrug your shoulders, shake
your head, and in a “Dreams, what will they think of
next?” kind of a way go back to your desk.
If, however, she seems interested, you can go kind of
close to sex. Don’t say she was blowing you all night and
cumming from it but maybe you could say, “I think we
were married and we had quintuplets or something. I
can’t remember.” The beauty of the dream trick is it’s you
saying “I might like you” without putting your ego on the
line. If she’s disgusted it’s not your fault. It’s the dream’s.
This phenomenon was discovered by a funnyman named
Chris Rock. You become so laid-back, you’re basically
Ducky from Pretty in Pink. This blows. If you are a funny
person you should be especially careful of this. You can
make them laugh their heads off all you want, and I know
we told you to not appear horny, but at least throw in a few
“I like you more than a friend” vibes. One trick is to be
totally honest about how mind-blowingly hot she is. You
stop yourself mid-funny-anecdote and go, “Fuck, you’re so
pretty I keep getting distracted. I don’t think I can look at
you and tell this story at the same time.” Then tell the rest
of the story looking over her ear, like if you were blind.
That is both funny and shows you’re not Ducky.
THE RESEARCH METHOD
COKE
As you get older your feelings become more and more
fragile. That’s because your character gets bigger every
year. When you’re 20 you’re basically a fag. You can just
go up to anyone and say, “You’re hot, wanna make out?”
without giving one-tenth of a shit what they say. As you
get older, saying, “I have become very attracted to you”
is like lying on the road with your intestines hanging out
and saying, “Please [sob] have mercy on me.” A good way
to get around that is research. Do you know any of her
friends? Can you trust them? As we said in our “Ode to
Sorry, I know coke has about ten times the stigma trucker hats do, but the truth is it works. Even if you don’t do
it yourself it’s really handy to have a plush box sitting
under the bed. Inviting a girl home to do coke shows that
you’re not just taking her home to blow you. You’re taking her home to play her records and talk about stuff
because you like her.
Now, if shit does go down and it’s taken about five
lines to get there, you had better have some Viagra handy.
It is a fucking breeze to get online and there is absolute-
FUCK A 5
If it’s been more than say, two months, go fuck a fatty.
You need to get the ball rolling again and having sex with
an ugly girl is the best way to do that. It gets your confidence up and it gets that horrible reek of desperation
off you. Besides, fucking a 5 is way more fun than fucking a 10 because you’re totally relaxed and can do whatever you want.
THE “MUST HAVE HER” CHANT
Remember last year when we told you that you have to
beat off about the girl you want because a) it tricks your
brain into thinking you’ve already fucked her and b) it
sends magical wank vibes out into the cosmos that she
unconsciously picks up on? Remember that? Well here’s
another one: If you keep repeating “must have her,
must have her, must have her” as you walk down the
street something magical happens to you. What it does
is it summons every part of your brain to focus on the
problem at hand. “Is she going to be there on Thursday?
OK, I will not go out Wednesday, I will have a good rest,
and then I will have approximately three pints before
going to the Thursday thing.” These are the kind of
complex processes that only a self-hypnotized brain can
come up with. Remember, testosterone is a concentration drug.
ly no excuse for not having it ready to go. People who
can’t get it up are no longer impotent. They’re stupid.
THE FIRST KISS
This fucking sucks. You’ve got her home and you’re sitting on the couch and you have to go from “ha ha ha” guy
to dead-serious face zooming in on hers like a spaceship
approaching the mother port. There’re ways to lessen this
blow. You can say shit like “Wanna make out?” or other
funny stuff, but it’s going to be pretty awkward no matter
what you do.
One way around it is to have been talking about how
hot she is all night. That way, of course you want to make
out. Doye. You’re Horny Dude and you’ve been going on
about her lips since you met her. But still, if she turns
away and you’re left with her ear in your eyes it’s pretty
fucking embarrassing. All we can say is muster up some
balls and just go for it.
If she pulls away, your only way out is to make a joke
about it. Say something like, “Oooh kaye, that didn’t go
so well. All rightie then. Let’s do both of us a favor and
just get into a time machine and go back to before I did
that.” Or something as simple as, “Okay, misread the
signals, moving on, pretending nothing happened, going
to get beer now, will get you one.” Something gay and
sitcom-y like the guy in King of Queens. Don’t worry
about the delivery, you just have to get out of that scene
not looking desperate. She might have turned away
because she’s not ready or maybe she feels some oral
herpes coming through or maybe she’s not quite finished
breaking up with her boyfriend. Freaking out about this
blows all those other options, so take it easy. Just keep
the night moving. Don’t go for it again for the rest of the
night and when she wants to leave be all “OK, cool. I’ll
call you later.”
THE FIRST BOFF
There’s a lot of pressure on this sucker. You have to
have a rock-hard wood. You have to last a long time.
And you have to blow her mind. Besides the obvious
coke and Viagra combo nothing turns you into a black
man better than Adderall. It makes your dick into a
fucking battle-ax. (It also makes you want to fanatically
eat her ass, so you might want to avoid it if she’s a
square.) The rest of our advice is the usual. Once you
have the go-ahead, do everything short of rape and
almost scare the shit out of her.
EATING OUT
For some shitty reason a lot of girls don’t want to be eaten
out the first time you’re with them. Great, that’s how you
get riled up. Now you have to hit the ground running. If
oral foreplay looks like it isn’t going to happen, you can
spend your intro time choosing high heels for her to wear,
putting her arms behind her back, and just generally
checking her out. I can’t get into any more detail here
because I’m getting a boner at work and that is not on.
PAIR AND A SPARE
The secret to getting laid is to always have three on the
go. Focusing on one girl is what they did in the 1940s.
You are about carpet bombing the city with cock. If you
throw enough shit against the wall something’s got to
stick. The only way a single guy can get laid as much as
a relationship dude is to have a harem. Some like to have
five on the go at once. Others think that’s more stress
than it’s worth. You don’t want to be a juggler at a mad
carnival, so stick with three, a pair and a spare. You have
the two you’re torn up about and then you have the plan
C who likes you too much. That way, when you get rejected by one you can hop down to two and if things are looking really bad, you can sink down to your last resort for
some comfort food. This takes the desperation out of your
voice and makes you seem calm, smooth, and reliable.
SPECIAL BONUS: DIFFERENT CHICKS
ASIANS
Asian girls come in two types: FOBs (Fresh Off the Boat)
and Born Heres. The only thing these two groups have in
common is no ass, smooth skin, great tits, and a bad relationship with their father.
FOREIGNERS
The beauty of nonwhite chicks is that they grew up in an
environment that said “You are not normal” every day. That
means they are inevitably less judgmental and shallow than
your standard Barbie-type girl. That means you don’t look as
ugly as you are. Are you a white male 7? You’re going to
have a hell of a time getting a white 8, but switch to Paki,
Asian, or black and you’ll have 8s and even 9s pouring off
you like warm honey.
1) FOBs: One way to tell a FOB from a Born Here is to
check the shoes. Ever seen those before? Me neither.
They’re from Taipei. FOBs are not that hard of a nut to
crack. As we’ve pointed out many times before, this
whole continent is a mindfuck to them, so having sex
with a loser like you is not so absurd. Conversation and
charm can be a pretty lethargic plodge so don’t waste
your energy. Make them CD mixes. You can put on shit
like the Rolling Stones and it’s like you dug up this
underground British blues band.
2) Born Heres: The tricky thing about these girls is they’ve
been fighting with their dads for so long about assimilation, they’ve become white just to spite him. They love to
fight and are stubborn as shit. Never ask a Born Here
where she’s from or anything about her parents’ country. In fact, it’s better to stereotype them as something
American. If she’s from Indianapolis say, “The problem
with all you Midwestern types is how fat you get after
a lifetime of cheese and beer.” That shows you love her
as a person, an American person, and you don’t even
remember what race she is.
BLACKS
We could write a whole article about this subject alone
because, despite what the anthropologists in San
Francisco tell you, black girls are different. To understand
black girls you have to understand black guys. They are
not indie-rock nerds. They lie a lot and they are never
clingy. That means a) she is going to be totally skeptical
about you from the get-go and b) if you are even the least
bit clingy you are gone.
When you come up to her do the basic “talking, laughing, fucking” school of thought but DO NOT talk about
race. If she wants to bring it up that’s fine, but you don’t
care. Just calmly buy her a drink and don’t be fazed when
she acts like she doesn’t give a shit. Nobody gets a black
girl talking without at least one “not interested.”
If you didn’t know that, you probably have no fucking
clue what you’re getting into. Other crucial facts include:
they are all scared of Marilyn Manson; they hate it when
you step on the carpet; they think Chinese food is exotic
and Thai food is from outer space; they love it when you
call their parents “Sir” and “Ma’am;” they won’t give you
a blowjob for the first few months; they roll their eyes
when you watch the Discovery channel; they will spend all
day getting ready to go out; and finally, they cannot comprehend why anyone would listen to hardcore by choice
(Minor Threat = white noise). Oh, and NEVER touch her
fucking hair. That shit costs hundreds of dollars a month
and if you fuck with it even in the slightest she will beat
the shit out of you. Understand? She can’t even get it wet.
That’s why they’re all so scared of rain and swimming.
They can’t have a shower for the first few days after having their hair done and every night that shit gets wrapped
up. That’s why doggy style is so popular.
If you can get through all that and still get her home,
the fact that your dick is not 11 inches long and you
can’t fuck for more than 20 minutes is not exactly great
news. However, you perform cunnilingus and that
makes up for a lot (that’s why black girls call white guys
“Freaky”). Getting a black chick is one of the hardest
things in the world, but once you finally gain her trust
she will do anything for you. She will have your babies,
get your name tattooed on her ass, and slap the shit out
of any woman who looks at you. They’re kind of like
Parisians: mean at first but down for life once you get
in there.
NONDRINKERS
Shit, I don’t envy you, dude. Without “panty remover”
you are looking at hours and hours of talking before anything happens. Like, the sun is going to be up. The only
advice we can give for these hopeless causes is to get
some kind of mutual interest (like a band that you go see)
and then have a way to link that into getting her home (to
hear more music from that band). If that doesn’t work, try
a road trip. Nothing pulls a girl out of the friend zone like
a road trip to Nova Scotia. What are you going to do,
spoon in the hotel and just fall asleep? Pshaw.
LATINAS
This one's easy. NOBODY but Latino guys can lay Latina
girls. Nobody even KNOWS these girls. You might as
well try to fuck dead movie stars like Greta Garbo or Lily
St. Claire or someone.
10s
Way-out-of-your-league super-hot girls are so hard to get
that it’s usually not even worth it. The good news is you
yourself don’t have to be that hot. They are surrounded by
hot every day and are desperate to get some substance in
their lives (that’s why they write songs). Are you a producer, promoter, director…? Maybe you didn’t hear me well
enough. Are you a producer or a promoter (wink, wink)?
Oh, cool, well maybe you could help her out with her shitty clothing line or her incredibly gay poems. Nobody takes
10s seriously, so if you even remember her name she’s
going to be impressed.
Actually, hold on—why do you want to fuck a 10 so
badly? They are so fucking lame and stupid you’re going
to be bored out of your skull 95% of the time. We suggest you, 10s, and the cold-call dudes fuck off and stop
reading this magazine. We hate you.
GAVIN McINNES