HOW TO AVOID CULTURAL MISCOMMUNICATION 1 © 2012 Susan O’Halloran HOW TO AVOID CULTURAL MISCOMMUNICATION Culture is a shared design for living. It’s as if each culture has unspoken messages that say, “This is how we do things here.” I call them unspoken messages because most people are not blatantly instructed, for example, to shake their heads up and down to mean “yes” or to speak in a direct manner. Growing up, we imitate gestures and speaking styles. We absorb customs and rituals. They become second nature, which is to say they become unconscious. Those who were born into a culture know how to act within that culture. They know their role and what’s expected of them, but the rules of the game are not so obvious to someone who comes into a new culture. We recognize when someone breaks the rules. But rarely do we say, “Oh, we each have unique cultural references.” No, we are more likely to label the one who goes against our cultural norms as rude, thoughtless, lazy, and the like. It may be hard to realize that some people don’t know your cultural norms. They seem so natural to you. Therein, lies the danger. It’s as if your norms are the only norms. It seems so, well, normal. If you’re in the majority, everything around you supports this idea that this is the way “real“ human beings behave and who they really are. To us, it’s the right and only way. Anyone else is the odd person out. Truly understanding each dimension of diversity – ethnicity, gender, age, physical abilities, geographic regions, and such – takes time. Recognizing that each is a unique culture and that attention must be given to uncover their spoken and unspoken expectations is essential. Once learned, communicating about our similarities and differences can go a long way toward preventing future conflicts. Cross-cultural communication is a dual action of explaining to newcomers what the culture views as successful behaviors while being open to improvements that can come from adopting some of the newcomers’ ways. What I see in the U.S. businesses, academic, religious, and other non-profit environments is that cultural misunderstandings truly impact whether those institutions can fulfill their missions and purposes or not. 2 Most of us have an instinctual and emotional reaction during cultural misunderstandings. We rush to assign blame – who’s right and who’s wrong. Imagine how productivity is affected when a person’s internal dialogue is in a reaction mode: “Is he mad at me? Did I insult him? Does he think I think…?” We start spinning a tale of how the other person views us, and then we get offended that they would think such a thing (nice people that we are, who didn’t mean anything negative). We avoid that person - not so great if you’re supposed to be working or studying together. We might quit the committee, class, team, or club. We may acquiesce on the outside, but on the inside we’re burning with resentment. If our personality is more defensive and leans toward blaming others, our inner story sounds more like, “Who does he think he is? He had better shape up or he’s never going to make it. That kind of behavior won’t fly here.” Or “Why can’t everyone just see things the way I do? Where do they get off telling me that what I’m doing is insensitive?” Hurt or angry feelings are bad enough, but they produce real world consequences such as:       high turnover low productivity lack of teamwork missed deadlines miserable morale a negative reputation that affects recruitment and community goodwill I’m reminded of a story from Malcolm Gladwell’s book Outliers. In his chapter “The Ethnic Theory of Plane Crashes, Mr. Gladwell’s describes airline examples of cross-cultural miscommunication that truly became a matter of life or death. In researching the causes of the Columbian airliner Avianca 052 flight to New York’s Kennedy Airport in 1990, for example, it was determined that a difference in cultural communication styles was one of the main causes of the crash. The crew responded to the New York City’s Air Traffic Control’s in-your-face commands with mitigating hints that they were running out of fuel. They never used the direct communication of “This is an emergency! I cannot execute your command for a fly around. We must land now!” In fact, here’s the actual transcript from the black box right before the plane crashed: ATC: I’m gonna bring you about fifteen miles northeast and then turn you back onto the approach. Is that okay with you and your fuel? Klotz (first officer): I guess so. Thank you very much.1 They are about to crash and the first officer is acquiescing to the ATC authority with I guess so. Thank you very much!?! The Kennedy Airport ATC operators could argue that their way is the fastest, most effective way in a constrained environment that handles an exceptional amount of traffic. Others would 3 call them bullying. The ATC operators’ cultural expectation is that, if someone doesn’t like what they’re saying, they should give immediate and equally firm feedback. However, we react from our cultural upbringing more than we know. It was nearly impossible for these Columbian flight officers to speak back to the New York ATC’s aggressive commands without first being given permission, training, and practice. Of course, the direct communication style of some New Yorkers can be intimidating to more than those from other countries. That’s why this report looks at both international and national communication examples. Luckily, most cross-cultural misunderstandings are not life or death situations. They can, however, mark the difference between success or mediocre survival. In this report, I’ll explain how the intent and the impact of cross-cultural communications can be two very different things. I’ll share examples from some common areas where norms are so ingrained that we can have trouble seeing other choices. Finally, we’ll look at ways to avoid miscues. Clear communication is always the key to turning negatives into positives, whether the norms are coming from society, particular organizations, family, or just our unique personalities and preferences. Cross-cultural understanding and communication can result in such benefits as:       effortless retention increased productivity superior teamwork dependable deliverables high morale and a stellar reputation In working with U.S. businesses and non-profits, I have found that one of the best ways to gain cross-cultural understanding is to showcase people in those organizations who come from other countries in a panel or class discussion. I ask them to reflect on how unique and confusing American values, customs, and behaviors seemed to them when they first arrived. The humor generated from these panels does not obscure the eye opening realization for many: U.S. cultural norms are just one set of norms. There are many ways to think and behave in this world, and many of those behaviors were envied by the native U.S. audience members. Of course, these panels also gave rise to discussions on how extremely different cultures within the U.S. can be as well. Let’s start with some examples of how the U.S. is viewed by people from other countries who are visiting or living here. 4 HOW OTHERS VIEW THE UNITED STATES A Compliment Becomes an Insult An exchange student from Ethiopia complained about how “rude” Americans were. "Why do you think Americans are rude?" I asked. "Well, for instance, we went to the swimming pool. Five or six girls asked me, 'How do you stay so thin?’ I was so shocked and upset, I had to leave." The audience responded with laughter and applause. (Many of us would enjoy this cultural norm.) We had to explain to the student that in America, a statement such as, "How do you stay so thin?" isn't a request for information as much as it is a compliment. However, coming from Ethiopia where plumpness is a desirable physical body type, the girl was insulted by the question. Unwelcomed Enthusiasm Here’s another example. Some Europeans who were new congregants in a Midwestern church reflected on how disconcerted they were to hear Americans whistle and clap at large public events. In many European countries, whistling after a concert means that the audience disapproved of the performance. Bathing in Misunderstanding At one corporate panel, workers from Japan embarrassingly revealed how "dirty" Americans seemed to them. Some Japanese people, for example, consider Americans to be dirty because when we take a bath, we clean ourselves in the bath water and then soak in that same water. To some Japanese taking a bath that way makes no sense at all. Most Japanese shower and clean themselves first. Then they get into their bath to relax. Crowding or Efficiency? Another example: I had a friend visit from Italy who repeatedly told me how “impractical” he found the American way of waiting in line. “If someone is waiting in a post office line,” he said, “and they have to fill out a label, everyone behind that person has to wait. In my town, yes, several of us gather around a service window so that many transactions can be going on at once. While you're filling out your label, someone else is paying for his or her purchase and so on.” I remember being in his town and finding the "gathering" to be quite chaotic. I wanted to shout out, “Would everyone take their turn, please?” 5 So to some folks from other parts of the world, we can be seen as rude, disrespectful, dirty, impractical… anyone starting to feel misunderstood? If some people can misunderstand American values, gestures, and rituals so much, what might we be misunderstanding about others? Swimming in Unfamiliar Waters As I mentioned above, all of us are collectively programmed for the norms and expectations of our particular society. Like the fish that doesn’t know it’s in water, we don’t see what societal waters we’re swimming in. However, we clearly notice when someone breaks those norms! Unless we increase our awareness, we’re more likely to label that individual or group as weird, strange, rude, chaotic, and so forth - just as some in other countries can label us, rather than recognize the uniqueness of our cultural expectations. Part of cross-cultural competency is the simple realization that there’s more than one ocean out there. Others aren’t being rebellious or offensive when they go against our cultural expectations. Their ways seem as “normal” and “natural” to them as ours do to us. Our ways are not the only way. No Rulebook Schools, workplaces, religious institutions – all the institutions in our society - are experiencing an unprecedented mixing of cultures from around the world. It’s understandable that many of us are asking for the rulebook. “Just tell me what to say or what not to say or do around each group.” Of course, dealing with human beings is never that simple. A Tendency Toward Sameness The Dutch psychologist, Geert Hofsted, created a huge database of the ways cultures differ from one another. He developed a number of scales (now referred to as “Hofstede’s Dimensions”) that measure differences - such as individualism and collectivism, the ability to tolerate ambiguity, and the desire to avoid uncertainty. First of all, there was no right or wrong to where any one group landed on his scales. Secondly, understanding a culture’s position on any one of his dimensions could never predict where any one individual might settle. That’s why there is no rulebook. Some groups may share very similar characteristics because of common experiences, geography, history, and so on. We can speak of the ways French people are different from Americans, the way Americans are different from Japanese people, and so on. Groups of people may share a multitude of similarities, but we always want to remember that they only have a tendency toward sameness. No member of any group is like everyone else in that group. Think how impossible it would 6 be for all men, all women, all New Yorkers, all Southerners, all dogs, all cats, all of anything to be the same. We can't help but see similarities within certain groups of people and, at the same time, we must always be ready to see and treat people as individuals. Isn't that how most of us want to be treated? You don’t mind that people see that you have things in common with other people your age, for example, but you probably cringe when you hear someone say, “All (name your age group) are…” Most people want to be treated as individuals as well as members of their groups. We need to move from the false security of categorizing people to become comfortable with the reality of living in a much more complex world. The Like and Unlike Aspects of Cultures Holding the “Both/And” of cultures – we’re both similar and we’re different from the groups to which we belong – has immediate and practical applications. People fit along a continuum of similarities and differences, and it’s best that we know where any individual with whom we’re working places him or herself. The Chinese culture in general may be more concerned with group achievement than individual recognition, for example, but that may not be true of your web designer who is Chinese. She loves praise and attention – good to know, yes? Sometimes, in an effort to become familiar with a group’s characteristics, we wind up re-stereotyping that group - albeit with more sophisticated over-generalizations. Cultures and People Change As you learn cross-cultural skills, keep in mind that cultures are never static they are constantly changing. Every culture has inconsistent values and a mixture of influences that are hard to grasp when part of that culture, let alone when looking at it from the outside. In the same respect, people who have lived abroad – those who have come to the U.S. from another country or American expatriates living in other countries – talk about being viewed as outsiders when they return home. Some individuals so absorb their adopted county’s customs that they almost forget who and how they were before. We can’t pigeon-hole others or ourselves. Be ready to be a surprise to yourself and to be surprised by others. You are going to find unexpected connections with people who seem very different from yourself. We are all multicultural. Each culture has a wide spectrum of interests, personalities, and gifts to offer. Let’s look at some aspects of culture where you might notice differences, and then we’ll cover how to move toward understanding, accord, and accomplishment regardless of the multicultural environments in which you find yourself. 7 TIME… In some countries, a nine o’clock meeting means to be in your seats at ten minutes to nine or you’re late. In other cultures, showing up by 9:15 is just fine. This isn’t just about a number: Do you tend to run 10 or 20 minutes late? Our sense of time is one of our most primary orientations in the world. And, again, it feels so normal and natural (i.e. the true way) that it can feel as if someone is disrespecting us if they don’t “value our time.” For some cultures, time is strictly linear - the present follows the past; the future follows the present, and so on. It is an entity that comes from behind us and moves forward. We need to move forward too, in order to be in step with the “march of time.” Lagging behind is unacceptable, so we had better catch up to it. For yet other cultures, time flows toward us from the future. If you are moving slowly, time will wait for you because time isn’t a separate and distinct entity – it is something that is continually being created. Whenever you arrive is the exact time for whatever is happening to be happening. The Aboriginal idea of time can seem even more extreme to some. Traditionally in that culture there are only two types of time: Now and Dreamtime. With such radically different worldviews, it’s no wonder that cultural misunderstandings become more prevalent as our society becomes more diverse. Even cultures that have a similar reference to time - seeing time as a spectrum of past, present, and future - can emphasize different ends of that spectrum. In the dominant culture of the United States, the future is almost a religion. We work for it, dream about it, sacrifice for it, and let it inspire us. But for some cultures within the U.S., you will be greeted by blank stares if you try to inspire people by painting a rosy picture of the future ahead. For some, you’d be wiser to talk about how career success, test scores, or moral choices “will honor your ancestors and be a credit to your family’s past.” It’s easy to see how we might differ from an Aboriginal concept of time, but we may miss that the person in the next cubicle from us is operating on an entirely different idea of the passage of time and its importance. AUTHORITY… When we look at the world’s stage of events, we can see the relationship people have to authority changing in ways that would have been unthinkable only a few slight years ago. Demonstrations in China, Syria, Russia, and Myanmar would have been unheard of! Years ago, I worked with a woman who had been raised in communist Poland. Our boss was an open and gregarious leader who consistently prodded us with, “Give me push back here. Tell me where I’m wrong. Speak up!” 8 One day, this woman pulled me aside and whispered, “Is he serious? What happens to those who speak up? Is this his way of getting rid of people?” It took several years for her to work up the courage and trust that it was alright, even helpful, to challenge authority. Even in the U.S., there can be a huge gap between people of different generations and different levels of income. .Organizations may find that varied opinions exist within the organization itself about whether one relates to authority in the context of being an unbending hierarchy or as more of an equal and flattened chain of command. GESTURES… When I was first out of college, I worked on an American Indian reservation, teaching dance movement to high school students as a way to engage kinesthetic learners in a variety of subject areas. I was completely discouraged. No matter how friendly and positive I was, the students seemed absolutely disengaged. They kept looking down at their feet, not picking up the dance steps at all. Finally, I went to one of the elders and described my frustration. He started to laugh - not exactly the reaction I was expecting. At last, he said to me, “Susan, the students love you! They’re just trying to show you respect. You’re only a few years older than some of them. They’ve been taught not to make eye contact with an elder. They’re letting you know that they accept your authority.” Of course, I was thrilled to be given this very large insight into what was happening with my class. However, I was still confused. “How do I teach them movements, then, if they won’t look at me?” He laughed again. “Turn around, Susan,” he said. “Teach your dance steps with your back to them. Then, come around behind them to see if they’ve got the movement patterns correct.” Here are a few other examples about gestures that participants in my seminars have shared with me:  In one department, each time an employee approached her colleague from India, he stood up as a sign of respect. Even if she came into his cubicle 50 times a day, even if he was clearly in the middle of something, he always stood up. She felt funny sitting down when he came into her office, but it just wasn’t her custom to stand.  In France, what Americans call the "okay" sign means that something or someone is worthless. It means that they are a zero. In Japan, the same gesture can be the sign for money. It can be an obscene gesture in some South American, German, and Mediterranean countries. One student thought she was being positive to her Brazilian roommate by signaling that she was in agreement with her roommate’s suggestions. 9 How surprised she was to discover that, instead, the roommate felt insulted and was quite concerned that she had been assigned a roommate who could be so lewd.  In parts of India, rocking the head from side to side doesn't mean, "No." Instead, it means, "Yes, I'm listening." Even a verbal, “Yes” can mean, “I’ll consider what you’re saying” not, “Yes, we have an agreement.” FAMILY… A colleague of mine worked at an insurance company that sold long-term care insurance to various organizations. Long-term care insurance is a type of product sold in the U.S. (and the United Kingdom and Canada) that covers assisted living and other kinds of care not covered by regular health insurance, Medicare, and Medicaid. It was a popular offering sold to companies all across the U.S.. However, one organization just wasn’t buying. The insurance company’s marketing group conducted interviews, focus groups, and other demographic research. They discovered that the employees of this organization were 70% Latino. When they delved deeper, they found that this mostly Latino employee group viewed long-term care insurance as an abdication of their valued roles as family caretakers. There was a cultural expectation that younger and healthier family members took care of their sick and elderly. It was assumed that if family members became ill, they would be taken care of by other family members. Thereafter, the insurance company changed its marketing approach to position long-term care insurance as a complement to a family’s very important role. The family and the nursing facility were partners in this approach. The families would still be primarily responsible - any additional care through a nursing facility or a home health aide would just provide technological and staffing expertise that might not be in a family member’s home. Any outside facility would be an extension of home care. Here’s another example that I see more and more in the work world: In the light of the many ways families can be structured, some institutions have had to re-examine their family leave policies. I had one colleague who was so distraught that he almost quit a very satisfying job. His company’s policy was that employees could take time off for a funeral for “immediate family.” In this man’s culture, what some would call a 4th and 5th cousin was immediate family to him. In fact, in his culture, it was insulting to call attention to the ranking of cousins and family members as first, second, or so forth. This was a family that gathered every Sunday for a shared meal, and made casual visits to each other’s homes at least a couple more times during the week. They attended every birth, wedding, birthday, religious holiday, and so on together. If it came down to losing his job or attending his cousin’s funeral, he knew the choice he had to make. In academic situations, I’ve worked with many educators who are frustrated by how some of their students’ academic success is limited by family responsibilities. They’ve watched promising students jeopardize an outstanding grade by missing a mid-term exam, for instance, because a family member needed them and family will always come first. Some of these educators have 10 found it helpful to call family conferences where everyone can discuss the balance between short-term responsibilities – helping a cousin with daycare, taking an aunt to a doctor’s appointment – and long-term family benefits when a family member graduates from college. WORK/ LIFE BALANCE… Some people have culture shock when they come into an American work environment and are expected to work 50, 60, or even 70 hours a week. Perhaps, they came from a culture where everyone went home between one and three in the afternoon. They had lunch with their families, and maybe even took a brief nap. Work/Life balance can be greatly influenced by other dimensions of diversity. This highlights, once again, the differences within cultures. If I hear anyone commenting on “the long hours Americans work”, I always ask, “Which Americans are you referring to?” Age, gender, family issues, and marital status can all affect how Americans balance their work and personal lives. We certainly see different preferences between generations when it comes to this dimension of work/ life balance. You might hear young people say that they are determined to have a life, to not work all the time as so many of their parents have. However, work/life balance may mean very different things to these employees and students. While many older workers seek personal time with no interference from work, many younger workers don’t mind blurring life and work. They feel as though they’re having a life when they can bring their children or pets into work or wear casual clothes. I once worked with a technology support person who was absolutely marvelous. He didn’t mind being interrupted while working out at the gym or at the skateboard park. The important thing for him was that he was living the life he wanted. He was glad to give me as much time as I needed to solve any problem. Most younger workers don’t expect to give up everything for the company, but that doesn’t mean they won’t put in long hours when needed. Companies that are willing to be flexible and creative with their workers delivery methods get larger contributions from them. 11 MOVING UNDERSTANDING INTO ACTION Awareness of the differences between and within cultures is the first step. Next, we need to ask: What do we do about all these differences? How do we avoid misunderstandings? I recommend a simple, three-step process: 1. Withhold judgment – know that your culture isn’t the only one and see the world from other perspectives 2. Seek understanding - listen and talk it out 3. Negotiate – decide whose standards to follow and when and how to institute the agreed upon cultural norm for any given situation STEP ONE: WITHHOLD JUDGEMENT As we learn about how differently we approach cultural aspects of living (such as time, gestures, authority, and work/life balance), we start to appreciate the wide variety of packages in which human beings come. Of course, there are many aspects yet to be explored – gender roles, relationship to money, the use of space, and so forth. We can wonder: How would I be the same and how would I be different from whom I am now if I had been raised in a different culture? How much of the way I see the world is my unconscious internalization of a societal norm, and how much is specific to my individual personality? Understanding some of the arbitrariness of our own identities can keep us from forming a negative opinion of those who are different from us. Keep in mind that, to others, their actions are normal. This thinking helps us to avoid the trap of a judgmental mind. We always have the choice of being right or of being happy. Choosing the route of open-mindedness and living in peace with others doesn’t mean we have to “dumbdown” our values and accept every aspect of another culture. It means being open to the idea that the ways of others make sense to them and were fashioned for the same reasons that our own cultural customs were created – for security, for social cohesion, for ease of social interactions, and the like. Most people don’t need our absolute agreement. We can still be in a productive relationship with those who disagree with us when we feel seen, respected, and appreciated. A colleague of mine, who is an academic advisor, was frustrated that some of her female students from the Middle East came to registration and other educational conferences with their husbands, uncles, or brothers who did most of the talking. Raised in the post-feminist West, the advisor found this custom of male chaperoning outdated and even oppressive. Eventually, she became friendly with one of these women. She told my friend that knowing that her male relatives “had her back” allowed her the mental freedom to focus fully on her studies. The advisor still needed to explain the cultural norms of the school – at which times the teachers and administrators would need the woman to express her desires and opinions - but 12 she started to see through the eyes of that cultural lens. While not the gender role she wanted to live by, my colleague began to accept that certain kinds of male chaperoning could be seen as freeing not limiting to those of another culture. Removing her harsh judgments made it easier for this advisor to relate to the many different kinds of adult students who attended her community college. She said her biases were almost like “wearing headsets or blinders” when her students and their families came to see her. She realized that she was so put off by their cultural customs that she was missing much of what they were saying to her. STEP TWO: SEEK UNDERSTANDING We don’t always know if our differences come from our ethnic groups or if they’re just the peculiarities of our families or even our own personalities, but no matter the source, it’s important to talk about whatever differences we have before they lead to conflict. If we communicate, we can flex our styles to work well together or, if one style needs to prevail, everyone understands that beforehand. One of the best things to do is to talk about possible areas of misunderstanding before you’re in the heat of the moment. As stated above, “Hofstede’s Dimensions” present many scales. Below are a dozen different cultural continuums. That’s enough to start with. As a group exercise, departments, committees, or teams can rate themselves. Each individual asks, “Where do I fall on this continuum?” (If you put a continuum on a flipchart or white board, have participants put adhesive dots where they would fall in order to get a visual picture of the tendencies and differences of the group.) Time is controlled – Time is fluid Emphasis on change – Emphasis on tradition and continuity Put the individual first – The group is primary Be open about your life and how you feel - Keep your feelings and relationships private Be informal in your dress, your conversations, etc. – Formality is needed Competition gets the best results – We should strive for cooperation Equality - Hierarchal structures and relationships Speak up to authority – Acquiesce to authority Short-term goals and motivation – Long term goals and motivation Work first and foremost– Leisure plus work Work first – Family first Tasks rule the day – People and changing circumstances determine our priorities Direct communication – Indirect communication Deal with conflict directly – avoid conflict Action – Reflection and planning Had the Columbian and New York airline employees – specifically the flight crews and ATC operators – done this exercise, they would have seen vast differences between what Hofstede called the Power Distance Index (PDI). Because the Columbian flight officers came from a 13 culture where the PDI is high, they did not feel free to assert themselves to the Kennedy Airport’s ATC operators. By taking the time to look at similarities and differences, organizations can begin to understand where their potential or existing misunderstandings lie, if any member of a team is working at cross purposes with the rest of the group, or if a cultural norm needs to be changed. STEP THREE: NEGOTIATE You can imagine how well-received a boss is who barks, “You’re in America now – do it our way!” To the other extreme, in trying to reach out to and understand other cultures, this doesn’t mean we throw up our hands and say, “Well, I have to be culturally sensitive so we’ll just have to do things their way!” If you waste hours of your day being “understanding” in this way, the resentments will pile up until you are ready to blow! Just as sports teams have to have someone calling the plays from time to time, there are times when people in authority (or a group of people) need to make the decision, “This is how we do things here.” The improvement that came from the Avianca Flight 052 tragedy was that the airline industry realized that they needed to create an acceptance for a low power distance culture. In other words, they needed to give permission and train their flight officers to consider themselves equal to ATC operators and each other. To create a new “This is how we do things here”, a number of airline companies insisted, for example, that airline captains and first officers call each other by their first names. Further, they were taught to replace indirect communication with a standardized direct communication procedure where copilots were encouraged to challenge captains. If a copilot thought that something was amiss, he or she was instructed to say, “I’m concerned…”, and “I’m uncomfortable with…”, and even “I believe this situation is unsafe.” Gladwell states: “Aviation experts will tell you that it is the success of this war on mitigating communication as much as anything else that accounts for the extraordinary decline in airline accidents in recent years.” In this case, it was negotiated, decided, and implemented that a more direct communication style was the expected cultural norm.1 There is nothing wrong with making a conscious choice for one end or another of a cultural continuum when the reasoning is understood and the choice is presented as “the way that works best for this particular time and situation”, as opposed to the “right and only” way. Hundreds of years of histories, differing political structures, religious traditions, artistic contributions, linguistic expressions, and so forth can still be honored even when a choice for one end of Hofstede’s scale is chosen over another in any particular situation. Whatever 14 cultural norms dominate, there are always ways of providing touchstones of familiarity for different cultures at least part of the time. Even formal work environments, for example, have casual dress days. Even families with the strictest of guidelines on “bed times” for young children, bend the rules on certain occasions. Negotiating “whose standards and customs, when?” can take more time but, ultimately, this kind of flexibility keeps an organization from getting staid in its ways. Change is inevitable. It will come to a workplace, classroom or community group from the outside or it can come from the inside. A group’s own people, who have allegiance to the organization, can usher in better ways of doing things. Share existing standards and methods, but also be open to operating in new ways. 15 AND IF THERE IS A MISUNDERSTANDING When there’s been a mistake or a misunderstanding, instead of thinking a terrible thing has happened, start thinking that the expected thing has happened. With so many different cultures coming together in our organizations and communities, we’re bound to have misunderstandings and some conflicts. Avoiding Conflict Some of us have long-held patterns to avoid conflict at any costs. We smell conflict coming and we run the other way. Our mantra becomes: “Make this go away.” Whether we see misunderstandings and conflict as a threat or an insult, many of us go into a fight or flight stress response. But think of it this way: every single one of us can remember events in our lives that, at the time, seemed like the absolute worst possible thing to happen. Later, it turned out to be one of the best. We never know what gift is contained in a conflict or misunderstanding. That sounds like Pollyanna talk, but it’s really how life works. Every novelist, scriptwriter, and playwright knows this: the challenges of life and the rewards are always sown together. At least think of it this way: it’s better if someone tells you they have a problem with something you’re doing rather than if they tell everyone else. We all have blind spots when it comes to diversity issues. Most of us would rather learn in easy and joyful ways but, sometimes, the only way we can become aware that we’re doing something insensitive or inappropriate is when we step on someone else’s toes and they yelp, “Ouch!” While in Bali, Indonesia, I unknowingly out of habit, patted a young boy on the head. I was feeling great affection for the family with whom I was visiting. They had set out fruits for me, and had all taken a break from their daily activities so that we could talk. I had been warned that this gesture could be seen as offensive but, again, I forgot and did it unconsciously. My host, the child’s mother, pulled me aside and told me that the head is considered sacred in most parts of Indonesia and should never be touched. I apologized to her family and thanked her for informing me. “I’m sorry” or “Forgive me” are two of your most important words in your diversity vocabulary. The woman and I became friendly for the rest of my visit to her village. She told me later that she had explained this custom to others in the past, all of whom immediately defended themselves with, “I didn’t mean anything!” The intent (what I meant by the gesture) was very different than the impact (how threatened the child felt by my patting him on the head). Always acknowledge the impact first. 16 Other Indonesian gesture miscues were even harder for me to remember. For example, eating with the left hand is considered impolite in many parts of the world. I am a natural leftie, so you can imagine how many times during a meal I picked up my eating utensil with my left hand. It’s natural to want to defend yourself, but much appreciated by others when you just listen and take in the information they’re sharing. Do whatever you can to keep from being infected with the 3 R Disease: 1. Resist (as the college advisor first resisted the idea of male chaperones) 2. Resent (“How dare they misunderstand me!” In the Indonesian example, I could have spoiled my entire trip by being angry at a whole country – what a waste of energy!) 3. Revenge (“They’re wrong and I’ll make them pay!” I’ve seen people who have been corrected consciously or unconsciously respond by not sharing valuable information or even passing someone by for an important assignment or promotion. They feel justified because they feel the other person is “just too hard to work with”, when the truth is that they are taking the correction very personally.) 17 REPLACE THE 3 R DISEASE WITH REPAIR AND RELATE If a cultural misunderstanding takes place, go back through our three-step process: 1. Withhold judgment – see the situation through their cultural lens. It doesn’t mean you have to agree. It simply means that you get that, for them, their feelings and opinions are logical and normal - yours may seem strange and even wrong. 2. Seek understanding – which means to listen more than talk. Ask them open-ended questions: “Tell me more about your perspective.” Or “What in your experience causes you to see things this way?” and “How would you like to see this resolved? What would be a satisfying outcome?” 3. Negotiate – discover if the norms of one person one culture should dominate in this situation, or if some amalgam of several ways would be the most beneficial way to proceed. An employee can say to a co-worker, “So if I’m hearing you correctly, you would prefer…” Two community members working in a non-profit setting can ask, “What would be the best way to schedule our agenda for this event?” A student and a teacher can make sure they’re understanding the agreements they’ve mutually reached, “So we’ve agreed our next steps are…” 18 IN CONCLUSION We all experience cultural collisions from time to time. Sometimes, we run into each other in the same way ships have run into icebergs because we don't know what's below the waterline. As we get to know the people with whom we study, live, and work - as we see beneath the surface to understand each other better - we can avoid some of these collisions, and direct the course of our relationships back to more harmonious and positive experiences. There is a vast richness to living confidently in a multicultural environment. In many ways, it’s not even a matter of choice anymore. Many of us find ourselves living, socializing, worshipping, and working with people with whom we had little to no contact in earlier parts of our lives. In taking the time to learn about other points of views and learning to talk about, negotiate, and benefit from our differences, you are better prepared to create your own success in this growingly diverse world. ABOUT US Congratulations on taking the time to expand your own cultural competency. At O’Halloran Diversity Productions we’re dedicated to building cultural bridges and helping people learn more about each other in guilt-free, interesting, and FUN ways. Please stay in touch via our website www.susanohalloran.com or our Facebook Page Susan O’Halloran’s Guilt-Free Diversity to hear about upcoming reports, webinars, and presentations that will help you gain more skills to live confidently. Whatever your desire - business success, student achievement, congregational integrity, and so forth – increasing your comfort and skill with other cultures will help you reach your goals faster, and with greater harmony and satisfaction. ENDNOTES: 1 Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell. 2008 Little, Brown and Company, Hatchette Book Group, New York, NY 10017 19