1. family and parenting
2. children

“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
CONNIE ALLEN: Okay, the magic beeps. So this is Connie Allen, and this is the
teleclass on How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It Happens.
Trish is here and Orion, I saw you got on the call also.
ORION: Yep, I’m here.
CONNIE ALLEN: Cool. I am glad you’re both here. So let’s go ahead and start and
then if other people join us that would be awesome.
First of all, I’m just real excited about this. The more I have explored this
topic about bullying, it seems like it’s just revealed itself to me in terms of
the kinds of things we need to be thinking about and looking at. So I am
just really excited to be sharing that.
What we’re going to do is I’ll be doing most of the sharing. There will be
some discussion for the first 60 minutes, and then the last 30 minutes will be
Q & A. So, time for questions.
If you have noise where you are, you can hit *6 and that will mute you and
then when you hit *6 again, that will unmute you and you can come back on
to the call.
One of the things that’s been happening for me is I’ve been really; I’ve been
making some new discoveries about myself and what I’m here to do in the
world. What I’ve come to see is that I have a vision of a world where kids
are supported in the ongoing discovery and expression of their natural
brilliance.
And that as a culture, we start to shift from focusing on kids’ performance
and shift from trying to manage and control our kids to focusing on them
having an ongoing experience of being full present to who they are and fully
present to life so that our planet becomes a much more wonderful place to
live.
And so what we’re going to be talking about here tonight directly connects to
that because one of the big things we’re going to talk about is about
nurturing your child’s inner strengths and that’s a very important part and
essential component for your children to be able to experience their natural
brilliance and to live that out in the world.
So I think that’s it. What I’d like to do is ask for check-ins, and what I’d like
is to have you share your name. And if you want, you can say something
about your children. But I’m also really interested in having you talk about
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
your biggest concern or question about bullying. Which of you would like to
go first?
ORION: I guess I’ll jump in. So when Sebastian was younger, he definitely
experienced a little bit of bullying at the school he was in. I ended up pulling
him out because the administration wasn’t doing anything about it. And I
just kind of want to make sure that that isn’t something that happens to him
again. And I think I have a pretty good idea of kind of what your message is
here; I’m just kind of curious what steps I can take with my kids so they
have the confidence; that they have the awareness and the knowledge of
what to do if someone is treating them in a bullying sort of way.
I definitely experienced some when I was younger. I was really small for my
age. I definitely experienced some bullying. It wasn’t grave; it didn’t bother
me that much, but it would be something I would rather my kids not have to
deal with.
CONNIE ALLEN: Yeah, that’s great. Thank you Orion.
ORION: You’re welcome.
CONNIE ALLEN: Miss Trish.
TRISH: Okay, you want to know about the kids?
CONNIE ALLEN: Well you could or just if you want to talk about your kids;
whatever you want to say to just check in and what your biggest concern and
question is as a mom.
TRISH: Okay, the kids – Ashley’s 7 and Holly’s 5, so bullying hasn’t really hit
me…well except in preschool a little girl who used to hit. But then I’ve
discovered that it was her parents used to hit each other, which was that
ripple down effect, which is why her behavior was like that.
CONNIE ALLEN: Yeah.
TRISH: Yeah, so but the problem that…my concern, probably, I was more
concerned once I hit middle school, I think. There might be some issues
then. But apparently the environment that they’re in is a very nurturing
environment, so the bullying really isn’t an issue for me at the moment.
CONNIE ALLEN: Yeah. And one of the things that’s so important about having this
discussion is that the more you focus on develop your child’s inner strength
now, then the more you basically prepare them for hitting middle school. It
really helps them just be able to, in many cases, the research is that the
stronger a child is as a person, then they don’t become prey. And that’s just
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
a really important point in there. Whether it’s by bullies or worst kind of
predators. When children feel really loved and secure and have a great
relationship with their family, their parents especially, and they have an inner
confidence, bullies and predators do not seek them out.
Bullies and predators are looking for – think about any predator. They go
seeking the weakest in the herd. And so that’s very true in human
interactions also. So just to know that what you’re doing now – the more
you focus on that, the better it’s going to be for your kids down the road.
And I’m sure that’s why you’re here, Trish, because you know that.
TRISH: Yes I know that. Because I mean the middle school, the district I’m in,
there have been discussions on bullying in that school. So I need to be
prepared.
CONNIE ALLEN: Yes, that’s really good. So I’m going to go ahead and start
sharing some information here and thank you both for sharing. Is there
anybody else on the call that I haven’t welcomed? No. Looks like it’s going
to be us.
So what I want to do is I’m going to talk about some different topics related
to bullying. If you have not had a chance to watch any or all of the videos
that I’ve made, that’s fine. You’re still going to get lots out of it. And if you
get a chance to go back and watch the ones that seem most interesting to
you, you might want to do that just because there’s great info in there. It’s
really background introductory information for what I’m going to talk about
now.
First thing I want to talk about is what is bullying? And oh, one other thing,
if you have any questions, just pop in and let me know so that if you don’t
understand what I’m saying, just let me know.
So what is bullying? It’s hugely complex. It’s not as simple as telling your
child pick up their toys. It’s so involved in what’s happening emotionally –
how your child perceives themselves in relationship to others that makes
such a difference.
Here are a couple of ones that I found and then I will tell you what my
definition is. Wikipedia – not necessarily the preeminent source, but still a
source of great information – is that bullying is the use of force or coercion to
abuse or intimidate others. And the behavior can be habitual and involve an
imbalance of social or physical power.
And they also talk about that there are four different kinds of bullying. One
is physical, one is emotional. Oh no, I forgot one of them; one of them is
cyberbullying, which is a new phenomenon, and I think the other is probably
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
verbal abuse. I think that was the other one. So they say that it’s a use of
force or coercion to abuse or intimidate others.
Stopbullying.gov, another website, defines it as “unwanted aggressive
behavior amongst school age children that involves a real or perceived power
imbalance.”
The definition I came up with is that it’s an action based on an interstate of
emotional hurt and disconnect from oneself that this emotional hurt
expresses itself by trying to intimidate, manipulate, or inflect emotional or
physical pain or another.
The source of…it’s really important in bullying to include that it’s about
emotional pain. That what we often do is we look at the bully, whoever the
predator bully is, and we just immediately label them as bad and wrong and
evil. We put all kinds of negativity on them and yet, that’s just a simplistic
answer. It’s not that that one person is bad or wrong; it’s that they have
this emotional pain that expresses itself in hurting others. It’s based on their
reality; it’s the best that they can see to do.
The other thing to realize is that bullying can exist in all kinds of human
interactions. Anywhere there are humans, there is potential for bullying.
And we will often call it by a different term than bullying, but at its essence,
it’s still bullying.
And so examples could be partners, married partners. One bullies another.
We may call it domestic abuse or verbal/emotional abuse of a partner. But
it’s still bullying at its essence.
It could be between coworkers. It could be between a boss and one of their
employees. It could be between like a boss and the whole sexual
harassment question. That issue. Those are all examples of bullying.
Bullying – and we’re going to talk a little bit more about this – but bullying
can also exist between parents and children. And sometimes parents that I
have talked to, they come to me and they are being bullied by their children.
And sometimes those children are youngsters, like 3 and 4-years old, and
they are being bullied and pushed around and manipulated and intimidated
by their young children; the parents are.
And also adults, parents, can bully their children. We may call these
different things, but it’s still about this imbalance of power. It’s about this
emotional, this inner emotional pain and hurt and disconnect from who one
truly is. And it’s about trying to intimidate or manipulate others. And
sometimes it’s with the intent of inflicting emotional pain because the person
who’s doing it hurts so much.
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
The major predators; the ones that have really done like the terrible mass
shootings that we have experienced in our culture, if you go back, they have
all been bullied. They have all been victims of bullying. And based on the
things I’ve read and what makes good sense to me that only children who
have been bullied, bully others. Only people who have been bullied by
someone have this pain that they in turn inflict on others.
So you can see how profoundly complex this is and the question becomes, so
where do we stop the cycle? Because that’s got to happen. That’s one of the
things I hope to talk about a bit tonight. But it’s just to realize that bullying
is not the bad person; they just happen to be the person who is hurting
maybe even more than their prey, their victim.
That takes me right in to one of the…I’ve got three causes here and they’re
all very interrelated. Actually, one of them is that they were bullied
themselves. That they feel in a powerless place.
I saw this, really, it was interesting. I watched a documentary called bully,
and they covered the stories of these different kids and I kept looking at why
did these kids become bullies? Because they weren’t really addressing that.
It was as if the bully phenom; being the victim was totally separated from
the bully. That it was totally separate, and it’s not.
And so the one thing that was a real insight to me was I was watching this
one mom and her oldest son was being bullied. He’s like the oldest of five or
seven kids and he was; his parents obviously really cared about him. And he
finally told them and they just really didn’t know what to do. But the thing I
saw happening was that when the mom was talking to him and trying to help
him not…to try to help him the best that she knew how, the way she was
talking to him, to me, sounded like bullying. And it sounded like, “Why do
you let them do that to you? Don’t you know you should just stand up and
be tough?” The whole message was, “What’s wrong with you that you’re
letting those kids do that?” And the mom; it was the only way that she knew
how to try to help. The harshness of how she was talking to him was coming
out because she felt so much pain and powerlessness herself, and yet, if that
child has been talked to in an abusive manner before, which undoubtedly he
has been, that just sets them up. It’s like he already knows what this feels
like and he’s coming from a weakened position already.
So that’s one cause. Another I’ve already addressed a bit is that when we
have bullying, that a child is struggling emotionally. The other part in this
that we’re going to talk about is that a child has developed a pattern of using
their power in a negative way. And that’s not just the bully; that’s the
person who becomes the target of the bully. That they don’t know how; they
haven’t been supported in using their power positively and that, in turn, puts
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
them in a weakened position. Which means they are on that continuum of
becoming the bully or the prey; the one who is bullied.
Any questions about anything I’ve said so far? Any questions or comments?
Okay, I will move on.
The next thing I want to talk about is one, two, it’s like three different
common mistakes that parents unknowingly make. One of the things that’s
so important as I go through this and the rest of the information, this
information is meant to empower you and to give you new insight. It is in no
way meant to say that as parents anyone has done a bad job. And so as you
hear what I have to see, just please be gentle with yourself. If you recognize
yourself and it’s like, “Oh, I’ve done that.” And just be really proud of
yourself and acknowledge that you’re getting this information now and so
that you had the insight and the courage to take action to get this
information.
The first mistake is that when there is a bullying situation that it becomes
about our agenda, becomes about our own personal emotions because we’ve
all experienced that. Maybe I should do a study, but most people have, at
some point in their life, experienced being bullied and abused by someone
else. And there are residual feelings from that. We both want to protect our
child, but we also, when those feelings, when we see our kids being bullied,
we want to protect them. We want to not have them experience what we’ve
already experienced. When we get caught up in those, our own feelings, our
own past experiences, when we are thinking about bullying, when we are
handling a bullying or potential bullying or abusive situation with our kids, if
those feelings are running us, we are not going to be able to be as effective
or…well, we’re not going to be able to be as effective and helpful to our kids
as we could be.
So it’s very important in a bullying situation whenever, if that comes up, or
when you even think about it, to be able to make that separation between
yourself – I actually should have put this later in the call; I just thought of
that – but to make that separation between what’s going on with you and
your own past experiences and what’s happening with your child.
The next one is all about power. This is one of the most important things I’m
going to talk about because everybody; every human being has a desire to
have some power to be able to have influence in the world, to be able to
create what they want, and to have power to do that. Everyone will find a
way to have power, whether you become the bully, whether you become the
victim, whether you, whatever, however you go about doing that, you will
find a way to have power.
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
If you’re the bully, that’s a very powerful place. If you’re the abusive one,
you get attention. If you manipulate someone else and you get some results
from it, that becomes a very powerful place. But bullying would be an
example of using your power negatively.
When children are using their power in a positive way to create happy
fulfilling experiences, the kinds of things you’ll see that you know this is a
positive expression of their power is that they ask for what they want. They
are courageous. They are out there about expressing what they want. They
take positive risks. They don’t hold back and be really cautious. They’re out
there making things; making things happen. They speak up when something
isn’t working for them.
This is so important to realize. This is healthy use of a child, expression of a
child’s power. Sometimes when they do that, it can be annoying. It’s like,
oh my God; would you just stop telling me what you want. And yet that is a
very positive expression. It’s very direct; it’s very authentic to be able to get
what the child wants.
Most of us learn more manipulative ways to get what we want and kids do
this a lot. One of the things that kids do, and this is when they’re taught
about being mannerly; like one of the things, if you hang around me long
you’ll know that this whole business of how we do manners is kind of a pet
peeve of mine, but one of the ways children use their power, to me, when it
looks like it’s from a negative or weakened space, is when they go, “Please
let me have it. Please.” That doesn’t sound very powerful; it sounds like
kind of a begging. Let me just say the right word so you’ll give me what I
want instead of just being able to say you know I really want this. It’s totally
okay to be able to just say that “I really want this.” “This doesn’t feel good.”
“I’d like more of that.” It’s really healthy. Very positive use of power.
When a negative or a more victim powerless place, like not a powerful place
if using your power when children are whining or crying or having tantrums.
When they, you know, the pleasing would be another thing. Think about it.
When children learn…start becoming fussy and whining kids, they are getting
what they want. The more they whine and fuss, often adults will just say,
“Okay, let him have it.” And so we encourage them to use their power from
a weakened negative place. And that doesn’t serve them.
I remember one young man when I taught 6th grade several years ago, and
he was like the class victim. He was committed to being a victim and having
this story line that kids were doing him in. He would go out of his way to
create those very interactions with his classmates. And he would do things
that were annoying, invasive, negative. It was his way to try to get some
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
power and yet…and then he would get their attention, but it would be so
destructive. He would end up getting exactly what it was he was after.
The other thing that would happen is then he would go home and he would
talk to his mom and dad about how mean the kids were at school. And mom
and dad would commensurate with him. They felt bad for him, and so he got
a lot of mileage when he got home. As a teacher, I saw that happen and you
may even know people where that is what happens where parents kind of
encourage their child’s victimhood; their weakness. They validate their
weakness instead of wanting to validate their power. And kids just become
victims because they’re getting things they want by doing that.
I know this is probably a pretty controversial position that I have because
generally, victims are seen as the poor helpless target of the bully. And yet
bullies, victims can have their power, and we as adults really need to watch
that we don’t treat children in ways that encourages them to use their power
from a weakened position.
One of the ways – to say a little more about that is that parents can over
protect their kids. They think they are being good parents, and they want to
be good parents, and they want their children to know that they’re loved.
But over protecting them weakens them.
Examples of overprotecting can be being too soothing, too much fussing over
them when they get hurt or the child cries. That just encourages more of
that. If the child isn’t getting enough love and attention, it’s like whoa; I just
hurt myself. Oh mom’s going to coddle me. Oh, that’s one way to get it.
But it’s not a very effective, fulfilling way to get it. It’s negative use of power
by the child. We can feel overly sorry for them and the sound that goes,
“Oh,” is actually this feeling sorry for somebody. And feeling sorry for
someone from that “Oh” kind of place does nothing to empower them or to
build their inner strength. We’ll talk some more about what you can do
instead of overprotecting and over coddling.
One of the things, if you look in our culture here in the U. S., there’s a lot of
support, lot of support groups for people who have, who perceive themselves
as being victims. And yes; there have been unfun, sometimes terrible things
that these people have experienced, but it doesn’t serve them to stay in that
place and to continue to see themselves as victimized because that becomes
a story. They are getting power from that story and it’s negative weak
power. It is not using their power positively to say, “This is what I want and
I’m going out in the world and I’m going to take some risks and I’m going to
make it happen. I’m sure going to go for it.” Two different uses of power.
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
And sometimes when we think about our kids having power, parents can feel
resistant to that idea because power…a kid can feel like you know my kid’s
got too much power. And it can be intimidating if parents don’t know how to
manage their child’s positive expression of power.
So parents, when you’ve got a child who’s really being powerful, sometimes
parents – this is kind of a slang expression – but they want to cut their kid
down to size. They don’t want them being so darn confident. And
oftentimes, parents don’t feel confident, so they want to keep the child in
their place, which is in a subservient weakened less powerful place. You can
just see how this whole cycle can create and continue and perpetuate in
families, for children, and how patterns can be developed about how children
go about getting their power.
I want to share a story that was just an amazing story to me. You may have
heard or Warner Erhard. He was the founder of EST. And he ended up being
very controversial and that’s a whole other story. But this is a really
powerful story I heard about his life that made a profound difference in his
life in a very good way. And parents may not agree with this, but I think it’s
a hugely powerful story is that Warner Erhard, when he was young, he had
developed a pattern of getting power by getting hurt. He kept hurting
himself. Probably started out with falling down and getting really coddled
and mom taking care of him. And then it just kept continuing and escalating
and there were broken bones and it just kept going on and on. And one day
when her son, Warner’s mom, came home, he had broken his arm. Some
pretty serious thing that most parents would go whoa; we better just like
rush to the hospital and “Oh you poor thing,” and “Oh, I feel so bad for you.”
When he got home, the door was locked and she basically told him that he
had to go figure it out on his own. That he had to go take care of himself. He
was like probably middle school, early high school, so it wasn’t like he was a
five year old. But mom decided she was going to end her part of that
pattern and it profoundly changed his life.
I read similar kinds of stories about other people where parents recognized
the power. Now that might have been kind of an extreme response. I think
she could have done something before she got to that point, but nonetheless,
the point is that when we continue to nurture that negative use of power, we
just get more of it and more of it because kids really want power.
And sometimes that power can be they come from a weakened place, and
sometimes that power can be that they become bullies. That’s still a
weakened place, but they are more aggressive and hurtful to other people,
but it still comes back to both parties are struggling emotionally.
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
So I just said a whole bunch there of very important stuff. I would love to
hear if you have any questions or comments about what I just shared. I’d
love to hear something. It kind of gives me an idea of how everybody is
hearing this. [Silence]. Any comments?
TRISH: What you’ve been saying is really good. But there was something that you
said a while ago but I can’t remember now what it was. But it hit home. I
can’t remember what it was though. I should have written it down.
CONNIE ALLEN: So are you recognizing something that is…how is this resonating
with you, Trish?
TRISH: It is good and it makes a lot of sense to me because I’ve been in this
situation of abuse myself. And then, you know, I know what it’s like and it’s
awful being the victim. And knowing, that whole power thing, you know, I
can see that a mile off from people nowadays.
CONNIE ALLEN: Yep.
TRISH: After experiencing something like that, you know. I mean I think that’s
what, you know, what resonated with me; that whole power struggle…not
really a struggle, but you know, somebody wanting to be powerful over you
just because they see when they were younger, the father [inaudible –
36:48] the son. You know, I saw all that down the track, but I didn’t know
that when that was happening to me.
CONNIE ALLEN: Yep. So, yeah, it’s really great. That’s just a great, like you
recognize the intricacy and how one thing leads to another, to another, and
there you were being the recipient of being bullied. And you had a choice of
either being the victim or moving on.
TRISH: I mean it did take me a while to realize that eventually I did make it out.
CONNIE ALLEN: Yeah, it’s great. Thank you. Anybody else have a comment or a
question?
ORION: Yeah, I really liked what you said, and I really enjoy the whole approach of
it and knowing that I can’t give my kids too much love and they can’t be too
confident. I’ve experienced it in the past and I’ve seen it with other people
and kids where usually a bully gets the best of you after you’ve already kind
of given in. If they try to bully you and you make it difficult for them or
uncomfortable or unpleasant for them to do so, it stops.
I also thought it was real interesting how the complexity of it, how bullying
breeds more bullying. I can totally get how someone that’s been bullied and
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
kind of emotionally kind of crushed that way, how it might feel; it would feel
really empowering to do that to somebody else. I really get that.
CONNIE ALLEN: Yeah. Nicely put Orion. Nicely put. Thank you.
So I’m going to move on. This was great. I appreciate what both of you had
to say. It was hugely helpful and insightful.
Here are some things that parents can do to nurture your child’s inner
strengths. And I want you to think about it in terms that you want to
nurture and support your child’s inner strength. It doesn’t mean you let
them walk over you, because that doesn’t nurture their inner strength.
That’s learning how to be powerful in a negative way. But you still want
them to be strong and to not be afraid of…because kids are naturally;
naturally have this inner strength; this natural drive to do and be wonderful
things.
We don’t have to put it in. What we want to do is not limit or destroy it. We
want to keep that as in tact and as full as possible. And if there’s been some
hardship on that, then it’s time to, as you change what you do, it will totally
support your child in becoming more powerful in a positive way.
Here are some things to do. You know what I’m going to do also? I’m going
to turn this in to a handout so you don’t need to write these down unless
there is something you want to write down to ask me about or refer back to.
But I’m going to write these down and send these out to everybody as a
handout.
So things you can do:
1. This is hugely important. Is observe how your child gets power. Are
they doing it in a positive way? Are they doing it in a negative way either
from being bully-ish or from being the victim, because that’s a continuum,
that two, between bullying and victim-ness. That’s a continuum. And it’s
from a negative use of power. A destructive, even weakened use of
power. So observe. Where is your child getting their power? Are they
moving forward in positive ways? Are they asking for what they want?
Or are they doing it in a way that isn’t really going to serve them in the
long run. And so when you exceed that, the weakened, the more
negative way of getting power, then you have to watch yourself that
you’re not encouraging and supporting that negative use of power. And I
will say more about that in a little bit. So what you want to do is
encourage strength and autonomy in your child. Strength – that inner
strength -- and the autonomy, their independence, their freedom of
thought and expression. Here are some ways you can do that:
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
a. Listen deeply when your child talks and be really present.
b. Hear what they have to say. That encourages more of that positive
expression. They don’t have to do something negative in order to
get you to listen or to be heard.
c. And when you listen to your child, make it a safe place that they
don’t…you’re not there to judge them, you’re not there to say, oh,
let me tell you how to do this, or you did it all wrong, or I know you
don’t really feel that way, or I know you don’t really want that. Our
job is just to listen and accept whatever our child’s truth is at the
moment. So it’s about the way of being present and listening to
our children.
Another important part here is that sometimes we, as parents, are going to
be wrong. We’re going to do something that’s, okay, that was not the best
choice on my part. And it’s really really hard to face those times in
ourselves. It just feels so; it just feels not good. It’s always nice to just
think you’re always right. But we’re not. None of us. And so to be willing;
you can make mistakes, that you saw the situation not in the best way, and
to just be willing to accept that maybe your child’s point of view is more
accurate than your own right now. That you don’t have to cling to the being
right position to be a great parent.
Another thing that goes along with this is to allow your child to have power
with you. To welcome your child’s expression of power and to give them, to
allow them to have and make real choices.
So many times I hear people saying, “Oh yeah, give your child choices.”
Yeah, they get to choose between the red dress and the green dress today.
That is not a real choice. Real choices come from within the child and where
they’re saying, “I want this.” And maybe that wasn’t even a choice you were
even thinking about.
You want…children need the ability to self initiate and as they do that, that
becomes a positive expression of their inner strength and of their power. To
recognize – part of what goes along with this is that you need to see your
child as this whole capable person regardless of his age or her age. And if
your child is clear she wants something, then hear that and sort out how you
can share power with her. I think it’s so important, this concept of sharing
power. That both people can have power. That we as parents do not have
to diminish in any way our child’s power in order to have our own; that both
people can have power and that you can share it and you can work together
to find solutions to places where you’re not in agreement.
You can see as I talk about that how easy it would be for parents to bully
their kids; to push them around, to not listen to them because it’s a much
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
more satisfying place to be the one who’s in the top position when it comes
to power. And yet that diminishes kids’ natural inner desire for power and
then if you don’t let them have positive power, then they will find other ways
to have power. And then you’ve got the problems. You know the whiney
kid, the tantrums, the yelling. That’s what happens when we don’t share
power with kids.
Okay, another really important idea here is this about not coddling or
overprotecting. When we see our child crying or hurt and we know; maybe
we saw them really hurt themselves. It can be really painful to see that pain
get triggered. And so we want to like make it better for them. And yet if
you want your child to have…to come from a positive power place, they need
to find their own way through the pain. They need to find that strength to be
able to wrestle with this really hurts; whether it was physical or emotional,
and be able to move on. That is such a powerful gift to give a child; to not
rush in to try to resolve a problem for our kids. It allows them to be
powerful; to exercise their power.
This whole concept of allowing your child to work it out for themselves. One
of the things you can do is to remember that your child, no matter how old
your child is, is really a capable powerful brilliant person. They have within
them the resources to handle life’s challenges. And so we need to let them.
It doesn’t mean we’re not present. It doesn’t mean we don’t care. It doesn’t
mean we’re not there for them. But the more we allow them to resolve it
rather than rushing in to try to make it better or fix it; we have much more
powerful capable kids.
We’ll talk a little bit more about this, but that you don’t need to be the one
who has the answers. Be the one who has the questions. Be the one who
has questions to help your child to get through and just being present as
they go through their pain. It doesn’t mean you walk away; you stay
present. But then they…the intent is that they find it within themselves.
Let’s see; is there anything else that I really want to cover here? Here are
some questions that you can ask yourself. I have quite a list here. I’m going
to choose some just for you to consider, and I will send this list out also.
One of the things is to ask yourself if you’re afraid or intimidated of your
child’s power. Is it okay with you that your child has this deep well of inner
power and inner strength that is capable of standing up to you and speaking
their truth? Does that intimate you? Does that annoy you? And if it does,
how can you shift that to one of more admiration and appreciation in wanting
to nurture that power.
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
Obviously, if it crosses over a line and becomes abusive or bullying, then
that’s another conversation. But pure, positive, I’m going to stand here toe
to toe with you even if I’m 3 ft. shorter than you, is a hugely powerful place
for kids to be able to have with their parents. Nobody has to be more
powerful than the other. Both parent and child can have power. It’s not an
either/or situation. I think that’s hugely important here.
Another question is does my child have true freedom to initiate on his or her
own? To create projects, to make choices without having to ask you, or
feeling like they don’t know the right answer, so they need to ask you. Can
your child be the initiator of his life? We so want that. That puts kids in such
a powerful place. To be the initiator, the driver of their life. I just love
saying it because it’s so powerful.
Also notice, do you allow your child to process his own difficult emotions and
hurts, or do you try to fix it? Or try to give him the right answer so it can all
be better and this can all go away? Allowing your child to process his own
difficult emotions and hurts is hard and it’s messy and it takes time. The
whole thing of slapping an emotional band-aid on a hurt…I can even say a
physical band-aid on a hurt to try to make it better actually diminishes our
kid’s internal ability to handle the challenges in life.
Think about your child and if they know how to stand up for themselves and
for challenges, you think about who’s going to want to take them on. And if
somebody does, then your child has got all these resources to hold their
ground and to find ways of resolving the situation that work for them, that
empower them, that is based on their inner wisdom.
Okay, so another thing – it’s like that story I told you about the mom with
her, the way she was talking to her son that had been bullied – is to really
pay attention to your own emotions. What’s happening with you? Are you
speaking and acting out of your own emotions? Are you more in reaction to
what’s happening as opposed to really being present and having a more
neutral tone of voice and presence for your kid?
This is another really important topic. Any questions about that before we
move on? I’ve got two more things I want to discuss and then we’re going to
jump in to questions. Comments or questions, observations, thoughts?
TRISH: No questions for me.
CONNIE ALLEN: Okay thanks Trish. Orion, any thoughts from you that you want
share here?
ORION: Oh yeah. I just think that I need to be a little less critical of…Sebastian
will, he will…I will tell him I need him to do something or I want him to do
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
something; sometimes he will question me or he’ll say why do I have to do
this, or why do I have to that, or why can’t I do this? Sometimes it does
irritate me when I’m trying to get out the door, and I’m like, can you just not
question me and just do this so we can go?
CONNIE ALLEN: Yes. That’s really good Orion.
ORION: You look for opportunities where he is asking questions that I can have
more of a dialogue about why he’s questioning me, how we wants it, and if
that’s possibly something I can say yes to.
CONNIE ALLEN: Yes.
ORION: And not be so irritated with it that he’s questioning the all authoritative
father. I’m not perfect. I don’t know all the answers and maybe he has an
idea of how he wants it. And if that’s something that I can say yeah, that’s a
great idea. That’s what I’m going to look for.
CONNIE ALLEN: Yep. And I had a really great interaction with him around that just
yesterday that feels like a good place to share that because I had both
Sebastian and Madison here. And they were getting hungry and it was…so I
gave Madison; I pulled out this piece of cheese that I had two of the cheese
sticks, the string cheese packages and the one that was in there had…I had
just a little while earlier I had just felt like I wanted a bite of cheese, so I just
broke a piece off, wrapped it back up, and stuck it back in the drawer. So
when Madison wants hers, I gave her that.
So then, but that was a short time before. But when Madison asked for some
I thought, oh cheese sounds really good, so I’m just going to have another
little bite. I don’t usually do this, but that’s what happened. And so
Sebastian, he wanted some cheese. And I offer him the piece of cheese that
I just broke off a piece from. And he doesn’t want it. I’m like argh! Because
he wanted a whole one.
And so I actually feel like I handled it really well and I just listened to him. I
got how he wanted it. And I explained how I wanted it and why, and I just
looked at him and I said, I don’t know how we’re going to…how do you think
we can work this out? He said, I don’t know. You don’t want it, not the
whole piece, and this is what I want you to eat. I don’t want to open another
one. And so there was just this little lull in the conversation and there was
just a little kind of pause and then he came back to me and he said, “Did
Madison get a whole one?” That’s his sister. “Did Madison get a whole one?”
And I said, “No, she got one no bigger than what you got.” “Oh,” and it was
done. But it took a little bit. And then I was able to really thank him. I
really did appreciate that he had helped to resolve this like each of us
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
wanting something different. I thought that was really a cool example of
where that kind of interaction can go because it looked like we were at a
total stalemate over something as easy as a partial piece of string cheese.
I have a couple other things I want to talk about here and then we’ll do
questions. One of the troubling statistics that I found as I was researching
statistics about bullying is that 58% of kids that have been bullied have
never told an adult. Almost 60% of kids who are bullied never tell an adult.
This is alarming to me. This is like a big giant red flag. This says so much
about the relationship that young people have with their parents, with their
teachers. And, to me, one of the key things that that’s about is that kids
don’t feel safe emotionally. They don’t feel like they can trust adults to really
show up and listen to them and care about them; that what they have to say
will be respected; that they can come to them with the worst and darkest
that they have to say.
The more we create safe places for children to speak their truth without us
ridiculing them, without us rushing in to protect them, without us telling
them they should never have done whatever it is they did. The more we
accept just who they are, human and flawed just like the rest of us; we
create this safe place for kids to tell their truth.
A kind of classic example is the parents who get upset because their kid is
lying to them. Well there is only one place to look if your kid is lying to you
and it is in the mirror. It is not looking at your kid and now you’re going to
punish your kid some more because they are lying to you. It’s really all
about the parent that the child feels they have to lie.
Here’s another example of a negative use of power. “I’m trying to get some
power here mom and dad,” “I’m trying to get some power.” So I’m going to
lie and see if that works.
I think you get the drift. It’s use of power; making it safe for kids so they
can trust us and know we will listen to them and believe them is hugely
hugely important.
In order to break up any kind of pattern where kids are not telling us their
truth, we need to go back to those things we were just talking about. And
that’s what will allow that. But just to know and hold that we want kids to
tell us their truths. We really want to create a space they can, where they
trust us with their truth. And when kids trust us with their truth is one of the
most honoring gifts that our kids can give us even if it’s hard to hear and we
maybe don’t like it. It’s an honoring gift they give us.
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
Okay, so I’m going to go briefly over what to do if your child does have a
bullying experience.
The first is be aware of your own emotions and reactions. I already talked
about that.
Be with your child and listen. I’m going to send you this in a handout too, so
you don’t need to write it down. And as you listen to your child, listen with
your heart open and be authentic. You can…like if your child tells you
something, like, “Johnny hit me today at school.” If your heart is open, what
you’ll say to your child will be something like, “Wow, how did that feel? It
doesn’t sound like that was much fun.” And then that opens the door for
your child to come back and tell you more. It’s like you don’t want to rush in
and start solving the problem. I’m going to say it’s more about that. So
listen with your heart and then be a question asker, not the answer provider.
So this would look like, “Tell me what happened. Tell me exactly what
happened.” And then the next question after you hear it is like, “Have you
thought about what you’re going to do? What do you think you could do
here?” What most parents will do in that situation is they’ll say, “Well look,
this is what you need to do. You just tell your teacher or you go tell
Johnny…” or whatever. Or “Just don’t let Johnny bother you.” Your child just
told you that Johnny did bother them and that it was really hard. So you
don’t want to dismiss it. But you also don’t want to be the answer giver.
You want to be the one that helps your child think it through; to find their
own solution to the problem.
Once again, it goes back to trusting your child’s capableness and his inner
strength; to not get caught up in your own emotions so you become
overprotective and try to make it all better for your child.
If it becomes a pattern and Johnny keeps bullying or abusing your child, then
what you’ve got to do is get support, if it happens repetitively. First thing is
don’t ignore it. Don’t just kind of say, “Okay, hopefully this will just go by.”
You don’t want to just do that. You want to take action. But you’ve got to
be…it gets very complicated when it becomes a pattern. And I think it’s
really important that you get support from someone. And if you want, in the
Q & A, I can offer more on that. But if when you do get help, you want to
look for someone who knows how to empower your child. That is their focus.
And that wants to empower your child’s inner strength and to not take away
power from the young people.
One of the things, if I was the adult in that situation where you, as a parent,
came to me and I’m the educator, say, if this happened at school. The kind
of more traditional route is that if I were the educator and I was the expert
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
and I was the one who was trying to help you, I would go to the bully and I
would kind of either punish or tell the bully not to do it, that it hurt Johnny’s
feelings and not to do it again. Which is not going to change a thing? The
odds are rare. It’s like the odds are against that that’s going to make a
difference.
What’s really going to make a difference is to get those two kids who have all
this emotional pain and who are coming from a weakened place emotionally,
have them sit down with each other and you be the facilitator until they are
hearing each other and sorting out what they were going to do, and that
would break up the pattern. And I would persist with that until the pattern
was done.
But it’s really about empowering the young people to find their own solutions
rather than us being the one with the answers.
Obviously, if ever there is a pattern that goes on, I am here to help. If you
ever want to seek me out to get some guidance on how to handle something
when it becomes a repetitive pattern.
That’s the content. I have one question here that I got from someone before
our call. But before I jump in to that, I’d love to hear comments,
observations, or if you have a question that you would like me to address.
Any questions or comments.
TRISH: Hi Connie.
CONNIE ALLEN: Yeah Trish.
TRISH: Your information in regards to coddling the children. You know, giving
them too much power that way.
CONNIE ALLEN: Giving them too much what? Say it again.
TRISH: Is it like too much power, when, you know, when they kind of control you
as you are controlling them. The thing that I…it’s interesting that you say
that because I try to empower the kids as much as I can to make their own
decisions. [Inaudible – 1:08:00] I don’t go, oh, I go, oh, you’ll be alright.
You just got to toughen them up a bit so they’re not feeling the victim and
you know, powerless.
It’s interesting that you mentioned things like that because [inaudible –
1:08:17] at school again really empowers the kids too to make their own
decisions in their daily schedules at school. So yeah, it’s a good thing. I
think, for them, down the track, not only for now, but down the track. We
know there’s a limit, right. You can’t let someone overrule you.
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
CONNIE ALLEN: You have to be in your power also.
TRISH: Exactly. That’s the thing. And I…they know where their…they need to
know that [inaudible – 1:08:57].
CONNIE ALLEN: They need to know what? Say that again. They need to know
what Trish?
TRISH: They need to know their place. You know, like mommy is, they say, the
boss of the house. That’s me. Mommy is the boss of the house and mommy
makes the rules that you know, sometimes I let them make their own
decisions on things.
CONNIE ALLEN: Okay, may I respond? Is that a question? Is there a question
there?
TRISH: No, no, no. That was just a comment on kind of lightly assures my own
philosophy towards being…I’m not a helicopter parent. I give them
independence.
CONNIE ALLEN: Yes.
TRISH: I kind of, what you mentioned, it kind of reassures me that I’m kind
of…that path is a good path.
CONNIE ALLEN: May I offer you some thoughts, so feedback?
TRISH: Yes, sure.
CONNIE ALLEN: One of the things you might look at, Trish, is that the idea that
you make the rules of the house. There are certain places there that might
be true, you know, in terms of how your house gets treated, how you get
treated. But if you start stepping outside that in terms of making the rules of
the house, I’m really curious, are there rules you make in addition to taking
care of your house and taking care of yourself, are there other rules you
make for the kids?
TRISH: No, no, no, just basically respecting each other and respecting the house
and respecting their surroundings. And if there’s a mess, they’re responsible
to clean it up.
CONNIE ALLEN: Yep, I mean you clean up your mess, right. It’s not like the rule
applies to them, but not to you.
TRISH: It’s all kind of an even keeled. It’s not like I’m a power hungry pest or
anything. It’s just that, you know, it’s all about [inaudible – 1:11:22]
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
CONNIE ALLEN: And I would kind of just look at kind of that position that you
make the rules of the house because maybe there are ways that you and the
kids and your partner, you husband, can make the rules of the house
together. And yet, the places where it’s like taking care of your house so
that it doesn’t get wrecked, say like writing on the walls or something; I
mean you have, you’re in total good solid ground to have that kind of
boundary. But there may be other gray areas where you would actually
empower your kids and create an easier more fun relationship with them,
and yet have fewer conflicts and struggles by sitting down and saying, okay,
this is what we need. How are we going to do that as a family so that your
kids feel like they have some say in just as many areas as you can give them
some say? Does that make sense?
TRISH: It does, yes.
CONNIE ALLEN: And it may not mean you’re going to change a thing, and yet I
think it’s a really important thing to think about and to think of instead of
seeing yourself as the one who kind of rules the house; but to see your
family as…because your kids want a great life with you. They want a great
home. They want that. So think of it as sharing power with them.
Everybody in the house has some power and yet you don’t compromise your
bottom line because you are still the mom. And your husband is still the
dad. You don’t compromise some of those things. But to keep looking at it
as a place of everyone here has power. Everyone here has input.
Everyone’s ideas and desires matter.
TRISH: Like working collaboratively.
CONNIE ALLEN: Yes exactly. That’s exactly. So you end up creating a partnership
and collaboratively as opposed to I’m the mom and what I say goes. And
yeah, I’ll give you guys some choices.
TRISH: Yes, that’s not the way we…
CONNIE ALLEN: I believe that. I just wanted to clarify that also just in terms of
how other people might hear, you know, other people that listen to this call
later; yeah. So that’s great. Thank you for what you just shared. I
appreciate that.
TRISH: No worries.
CONNIE ALLEN: Orion, any questions, comments, observations. [Silence.] Okay,
he may not be on the call any more.
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
So I do want to share. I had one question and it’s a fairly long question, and
it’s a really great example of the kinds of situations that parents can find
themselves in.
This person is someone who is a member of the Action Circle, and what I
want to do is keep some anonymity for her because she, you know, this will
be a public answer and public question and not just here in the Action Circle.
The question is, she says, “I want to know how to help support my daughter
after being bullied without making her feel like a powerless victim. It seems
like everything I try to do just made her want to deny her feelings about the
situation. She was embarrassed and mad at me for talking about it and
trying to get the adult that was in charge to acknowledge and address the
situation. The adult present didn’t think it was a big deal because my
daughter’s description of the bullying situation didn’t fit her criteria for
bullying behavior.” This sounds to me like a parent’s nightmare; to be in this
kind of a situation.
So I asked her for more details, and so I’m going to give you the overview of
what she shared with me and that was that her two daughters had gone to
4-H camp over the summer and they were… [Interruption.]
And so on the very first day, the younger sister had an experience where
there three older girls that were in her cabin or that began…yeah, they were
in the cabin with her younger daughter and her daughter’s friend. So
anyway, these three 13-year olds took on two 9-year olds and the ring leader
of the three went to the two younger girls and yelled in her face to shut up.
And these two young girls were terrified by this and they couldn’t understand
why they had been singled out. There’s four years difference here in age.
And they went to sleep crying that night.
The next day, the three girls took the friend’s toothbrush and swooshed it in
the toilet, then put it back in her belongings. And the older sister stepped in
and tried to help, but it really didn’t make; she wasn’t able to stop the girls
and this woman’s younger daughter cried every night at camp and was
consoled by another teen there and her sister. But at no time did an adult
ask what happened nor would she volunteer to tell anyone.
The belittling and teasing continued the whole time. On the last day of camp
this woman’s younger daughter and her friend told the teen in charge who
told the adult. The adult asked the 9 and 10-year olds what happened and
they weren’t able to describe it very well and mostly just said the two girls
yelled at them, or the girls yelled at them, swore, and then about the
toothbrush incident. And then the adult got the three 13-year olds story and
it ended there. Her daughter and her friend to drop it; it’s all over.
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
So when mom found out, she…mama bear kicked in and quite
understandably, and so she contacted the adult and tried to…there was this
whole complication about having to file a formal complaint with the 4-H. But
filling out the form was really hard and she had to keep asking her daughter
what had happened and that just got her daughter even more upset.
The adult in charge was not helpful at all in being able to file the complaint
against her. And so this mom ended up feeling pretty powerless in the
situation. Every time this woman’s daughter who had been bullied saw her
mom on the computer emailing someone, she’d get upset and ask if it was
about camp and the bullying. She was so upset and kept asking me to just
drop it. But I have this momma bear instinct and didn’t want to let it go. I
felt like I hadn’t protected her enough and wanted to fix the problem after
the fact.
The other girl’s mom, the friend’s mom, also had little satisfaction with the
process and she emailed the 4-H Group Leader why they were not returning
to 4-H in the fall.
The daughter was happy once mom dropped it, but mom is not satisfied that
she did her best.
It’s just so easy for me to understand and put myself in her place. So I’m
going to call this woman Linda…I’m going to say that the mom’s name is
Linda. And so Linda, what I suggest you do here is that first, is to see this as
you’ve got two different interactions going on and two different places to put
your attention. One is with your daughter, and the other is with the camp
and 4-H and the leaders of that program.
In terms of your daughter, I suggest you use the things we talked about in
here. I would not just let it go because it sounds like the whole thing was
upsetting and that somehow you and your daughter need to come…it would
be good to come to some sort of resolution so you both feel complete
between each other. And keep these two – your daughter and the 4-H
people, just keep them separate.
So when your daughter, when you want to bring it back up, and speak from
your heart about how, say, I really need to talk about this some more with
you. My natural tendency is to rush in and try to protect you and fix it and I
can see you really didn’t want me to do that. And at that point, that should
elicit some like, “Yeah, I just wanted you to stay out of it.” “Well can you tell
me some more about why you wanted me to stay out of it. Tell me some
more.” I would really just…try to engage your daughter in a conversation so
that – and another question that would be really good that is coming saying
to her is, “I really would like to have this resolved between us so that you
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
don’t have any bad feelings about what happened, and that I don’t.” And
then tell her…I would definitely tell her how you see it. Not from a place of
trying to convince her, but from a place that says what those girls did is not
okay. I’m really sorry this happened to you. I feel that in my role as a mom
that I need to do something so that this doesn’t happen to other girls.
And so come from that place so you tell her your truth and then find out
where your daughter; if she, if there is a way you can do that so it would be
more comfortable for her. Find out what she doesn’t really like about it.
Because you want to get this as much as you can to a place where you both
are at peace with how this is going to be resolved. But I would start with
your daughter.
And I would also let her know that you have this really strong feeling and it
doesn’t have anything to do with your daughter; it has to do with your
integrity as a person that you feel strongly this kind of information needs to
be shared. That people need to take action about this; that this is not okay
this be allowed to continue and that people need to know and address this.
Because your question so reflects how uncomfortable people are with the
whole subject of bullying and not knowing what to do about it.
The other thing, in terms of the camp people, what I would do is I would
find; if you can’t get any satisfaction with one level, I would just keep taking
it up to the next until someone has heard you and you feel that you have
done everything that feels…so that you feel that you are in integrity with
yourself when you’re done with this conversation.
So you’ve got two conversations. The one with your daughter, and the one
with the camp people. So I hope that really helped and if you have more
questions about it, be sure and let me know.
So it is almost 7 o’clock. My watch says it’s a few seconds away. So I want
to wrap this up. And I’d love to hear takeaways – what are the things that
you’re taking away that really matter to you from this call? Who would like
to go first?
TRISH: Is Orion still here?
CONNIE ALLEN: I don’t know. I thought it looked like he was a minute ago.
ORION: Yeah, I’m still here.
CONNIE ALLEN: Okay good. That’s alright. Okay, so Trish you want to go ahead
since you started out.
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
TRISH: I was going to say Orion go ahead.
CONNIE ALLEN: You’re volunteering Orion. That’ll be okay too. Orion, do you
want to go first for your takeaways?
ORION: Oh yeah, give me just a minute. I’m actually getting the food for dinner,
so give me two minutes and I’ll be ready.
CONNIE ALLEN: Okay that’s great. I had a hunch you were out doing something.
That’s why you hadn’t been communicating as much. So Trish, would you be
willing?
TRISH: Oh yeah, sure. Takeaways for today. I would say at least I’m aware of a
lot of information for the future. The issues that you talk about in regards to
bullying, it’s really the victim’s mentality.
CONNIE ALLEN: Yep.
TRISH: A lot of the time. I mean I don’t know.
CONNIE ALLEN: Well granted, bad things happen. People who have been hurt do
hurtful things to other people.
TRISH: I think the most important takeaway for me tonight was making, impairing
a child to have confidence not to be a victim.
CONNIE ALLEN: Yeah.
TRISH: Something you mentioned before, it was such a really good thing because I
think kids really need to have, you know, be independent and be able to
think for themselves.
CONNIE ALLEN: Yeah, exactly. They need to be independent and to have that
strong inner strength about them that inner boringness that is strong is
hugely important.
TRISH: And not necessarily confident enough to be cocky or anything, but enough
confidence that they can feel good about themselves without, people put
them down, they can just blow it off and say, whatever. It wouldn’t hurt
them too much, you know.
CONNIE ALLEN: That they can literally see it as having nothing to do with them.
TRISH: Exactly. It’s the other person’s problem, not mine.
CONNIE ALLEN: Yeah. Cool.
TRISH: That was good. Thanks Connie.
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
CONNIE ALLEN: You are very welcome. Orion, are you in a place where you could
share your takeaway? I’m sure he’s walking out the door. There’s all kind of
action over there. My cell phone starts ringing. I don’t know who that was.
Let me see here. Because I’m curious. I don’t think that was probably
Orion, but I want to make sure.
ORION: Okay, can you hear me mom?
CONNIE ALLEN: Yes, yay.
ORION: I was muted and I didn’t know that I was. So yes, I’m fully available.
CONNIE ALLEN: Okay great.
ORION: So takeaway for me, so to add to the point on what I said before that kind
of encouraging and listening more to when my kids do question me. You
know, to not me like I said so, so therefore it’s so. When I can, listen to, you
know, instead have a compromise so everybody can have the way they’d like
it. Do more of that. And I think I definitely want to have a talk with
Sebastian a little bit about bullying just to make sure that you know he
knows if something like that is happening that he can talk to me. I would
just like him to know that it’s on my radar and I would like him to talk to me
about it when it’s happening.
I think that’s kind of the main thing that I took away.
CONNIE ALLEN: Those are great. And I’m really glad you said that. That would
have been a great thing for me to have included in the tips. I will include
that in the handout to talk with your kids about bullying so that they have
some information that they can use so that when something like that – this is
profoundly insightful Orion; it’s really good – that when they can…so if
something like that does happen, it gives them a language to be able to talk
about it and to be able to identify it and go whoa; that kid was being…he was
bullying me. He was being too rough on me.
And also it validates that he doesn’t have to take it just to be a nice guy.
ORION: Yes, yes, exactly. And so maybe I can kind of give him some tools and
ideas of what to say, how he can handle the situation. Because I can ask
him is someone being aggressive towards you or you know if you’re not used
to that, you don’t really know what to do with it. I know for me, experiences
I’ve had in my life and I think and other people have as well, is when it
sounds like things like that girl during camp…when you’re sensitive and
you’re not used to someone being angry at you like that and yelling and
treating you like that. You just have no idea how to handle it because you
have no understanding or no comprehension of what’s going on and why it’s
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
happening. So it just kind of leaves you dumbfounded. Like I have no power
in this situation because I don’t even understand what’s going on.
CONNIE ALLEN: Right. Yeah. Because it’s totally unknown.
ORION: Yeah, and it makes no sense, right. A lot of times it makes no sense at
all.
CONNIE ALLEN: Exactly. So that is really…that’s really great. And I’m glad you
shared that. What I would do is…what I would suggest you do is that instead
of even necessarily telling him what to do when you talk to him about the
bullying, but tell him that people do that sometimes and you can even say
how that feels; it makes no sense sometimes when people do hurtful things
to other people. Because he’s had that experience at the park a couple of
times where they were just kind of being a little bullying for kids. I’ve seen
that a couple of times and he doesn’t know how to relate to it.
The thing I would…instead of telling him what he might do, to start the
conversation, I would, in terms of what to do, I would ask him what do you
think…what are some things you would do if someone did something like
that? So that you’re having him turn to his own resources and to think about
his truth rather than just trying to take in yours.
ORION: Yeah, I think that’s a good idea. That way also I’m not projecting my
experiences on his experience.
CONNIE ALLEN: Yep. And you can have a conversation about it in terms of just
like, well what are some things you could do? And see what he has to say
and then if you have other suggestions for him, then I think you can offer
those suggestions and I would given obviously that Sebastian is 6, I would
keep it all as simple as possible, which I’m sure you will do.
ORION: Oh for sure.
CONNIE ALLEN: Cool. Thank you both. The people who are going to listen to this
recording – because there are definitely people who are going to listen to this
– have a lot of great information and your participation in this call really
gives them a lot. And so I thank you both for being here, for joining me. It
just gave me someone to talk to instead of just being on the phone by myself
imparting information. It made it a much richer call.
So thank you both. Have an absolute…
TRISH: Thank you.
ORION: Thank you.
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]
“How to Bully Proof Your Child and What to Do If It
Happens”
By Connie Allen M.A.
CONNIE ALLEN: You are so welcome. And have an awesome evening. I will see
you in a little bit Orion.
ORION: Yes you will.
CONNIE ALLEN: Okay, bye for now.
© 2013 Connie Allen & Joyous Family Coaching. All rights reserved.
650-960-6895
[email protected]