1. No category

1
HOW TO ESCAPE
If you are a 25 year old male with a university degree
and no kids, then your exit strategy is as plain as your
designer 5 o’clock shadow.
A stay-at-home-mom-with-two-kids-in-diapers-and-nomoney-of-her-own has a different set of problems.
If you have been married forever and it’s time to end
things, then you may have some stress. Like other people, your big concern is probably about money.
Separation is not fun. Divorce is not fun. Both can hurt.
This book might help ease your pain because your book
is filled with stress-busting information to help resolve
your separation issues.
I’ve been through the same thing which you are facing
right now. Three times.
Helping you with separation and divorce.
This is Colin Kennedy, I am a respected
‘guru’ who has written books about divorce
and resolving spousal support without
lawyers.
This publication provides meaningful and
accurate information to help you resolve
issues. It’s free, and you may pass it
on to friends.
I am not a lawyer. Not being a lawyer means I’m not
handcuffed by any state or provincial Law Society
and I can “tell it like it is” .
2
Introduction
This information represents the latest research and is written by respected authorities.
You will understand that you are not alone, and you are not the first person on
the planet to suffer the misfortune or the glory of separation.
This book will help you to resolve legal and relationship issues.
- So you can base your decisions on the right information.
- So you can save thousands in legal fees and protect your money.
- So you can be clear about the terms and rules about separation and divorce;
including child custody and child support issues.
Written by Colin Kennedy
Produced by Sandhurst Ink and Adobe
Content is protected. You may not copy or publish.
You may send this publication to friends and your ex.
How to Escape Your Marriage
Contents and Organization
There are 3 primary chapters
Chapter 1 is about the rules of separation and divorce.
Chapter 2 is about money.
Chapter 3 is about relationship issues.
“I’m tired of the doomsday reports and the label of the ‘broken home.’ We
have been so inundated with negative stories of divorce, that men and women need to hear the message that they can make their families work better,
minimize stress, and not feel like total failures. In a good divorce, a family
with children remains a family -- one that is sufficiently cooperative to permit
kinship bonds to continue. Perhaps if we begin to revise our expectations
of what divorce means, all parents who divorce can do so with civility and
respect.”
Vicki Lansky. Her practical, common sense approach to parenting and
household management is familiar to thousands throughout the world.
Divorce is the largest single financial transaction of most people’s lives
and raises important questions
that demand immediate answers.
3
4
Introduction
We like free stuff
We like collecting the sample bottles of soaps
from hotel rooms. Most of us like free samples of
just about anything.
My mother discovered the internet when she
was in her 90’s. She loved getting free recipes.
My mom liked getting mail from Kraft. She would
e-mail questions and be delighted when the answers arrived.
Getting a free legal document from some internet sites means giving your name and address,
and an OK to allow them to send you promotions. Imagine them having your name along
with 50,000 others. You are targeted as being in
a state of relationship change. Your name has
value to people who are promoting legal services, moving companies, real estate, financial
advisors, credit fixing schemes, and even dating
sites.
She didn’t mind when she was blasted with offers
from cook ware, trips, books, financial advice,
and language school. People were interested in
her, and she liked it.
The free recipe about stuffed portobello mushrooms came with a string.
Tell us your name and address and we’ll send the
free stuff - AND - we’ll keep sending messages
until you get really sick of us and tell us to stop.
This type of internet marketing is called opt-in.
It’s an art when done right. You ask for something
and agree to receive promotions - sounds fair.
What they don’t tell you is that the promotions
come from 20 other places. They sold your name
and address to a ton of other people, and it’s
legal because you gave them permission.
In Canada and the US there are certain laws
that basically say that marketers must give you
the opportunity to unsubscribe. Some marketers
make this easy for you, then have software which
quickly removes you from their database. Unfortunately others make it difficult and almost impossible to opt-out.
Does this book and the other free stuff
come with strings?
You won’t ever receive mail from me unless you
make direct contact by asking a question. I personally answer every e-mail and maintain a strict
privacy policy.
So why am I giving away a valuable document?
You might be a candidate for one of my books or
for my divorce document service, so why don’t I
send you promotional mail every month?.
I will not be invasive by sending you promotional
offers because I respect your privacy and want to
earn your future business.
How to Escape Your Marriage
Chapter 1
page 6
-
Separation 101
page 8
-
The Rules
page 10 -
Separation with Children
page 12
-
Child Support
page 14
-
Things That Go Wrong
page 16
-
Lawyers and Your Agreement
page 18
-
4 Legal Methods to Divorce, one is free
Chapter 2
page 20
- All about money
page 21
- 25 Ways Not to Go Broke
page 23
- Spousal Support Money
Chapter 3
page 25
- Walk Away Wife Syndrome
page 26
- And Then We Danced
page 27
- Mediation
How to Impress A Woman
page 29
- 4 Reasons Your Partner Wants to Dump You
page 31
- Rowing to Emotional Recovery
page 32
- Why Sould I be the One to Change?
page 34
- 7 Ideas to Improve Your Life
page 36
-
Lust and Love Becomes Fight and Flight
page 38
-
The Final Word
5
6
CHAPTER 1
Separation 101
Separation is defined
as living separate and apart for the purpose of
quitting the marriage. You do not need a legal
reason to stop living as husband and wife. It takes
one of you to decide to quit the marriage, and you
do not need your spouse to agree.
It is OK to share the same address and be living
separate and apart. The action of separating must
involve an open and complete break from the married relationship and may include:
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
not having sex with each other
living in separate rooms
operating separate bank accounts
not sharing meals
not providing household services
not sharing mutual entertainment inside
or outside the home
not representing to relatives, neighbours
or friends that the marriage is continuing
There are a number of legal rights and obligations
which are triggered by separation, so protect your
rights with a written separation agreement. A
written agreement is an excellent tool to establish
your separation. It is a domestic contract which
you create to resolve and record things.
-
Your agreement when signed and
wittnessed by any adult is legal and
binding.
-
An agreement is a good tool, but some
times it is wise not to sign it.
-
A written separation agreement is not a
requirement for divorce.
The free template will walk you through the
agreement and you’ll soon find out that not only
do you not have the answers, but you may not
even have the questions. That is OK. Take your
time and continue to learn about the rules and
your money.
Even before seeing your agreement a lawyer
may say your agreement will not stand up in
court unless it is created and signed by him/
her. The most common reason given is that the
lawyer’s job is to protect your rights and do what
is best for you, and without his/her help you may
be at risk. For more about what lawyers say
about your agreement
Please see Is the Agreement Legal
How to Escape Your Marriage
Pensions
Your CPP pension credits are split automatically upon application by either party, and their
rules over ride your separation agreement.
Company pensions are often matrimonial
property, but some pensions are closed. If your
pension(s) are matrimonial property then your
spouse may have a claim on part of your pension. Pensions are retirement income, and if
your ex has a valid claim then his/her portion is
set aside for when he/she reaches retirement
age. The company pension administrator needs
to be informed of your change in marital status even if no claim on your pension has been
made. If there is a claim don’t try to work the
numbers yourself. Contact your admin person
and he/she will do the calculations.
I agree that only an accountant would find this
stuff sexy. If you want to see my wittings about
sex. read When Lust and Love Becomes Fight
and Flight.
Real Estate
Think of marriage as a business partnership.
You ceremoniously form a legal entity, you both
bring assets and skills with the intent to grow
and prosper.
When your partnership is about to dissolve, you
prepare to divide the spoils. Normally, the value
is calculated from the day you started living
together to the day you split. When you divide
your assets and liabilities, it is usually 50-50.
Your rights to the matrimonial home are protected, and it does not matter who is on title, and
7
it does not matter if you are now living elsewhere. Neither party may sell or refinance the
matrimonial home without the other’s consent.
Have a third party give you a fair market
value. You can hire an appraiser, or a Realtor. The appraiser will charge a fee, and the
report is accepted in court. The Realtor may
do a free market assessment which may
suit your needs. Both professionals use the
same methodology of comparing your home
with other similar properties that have recently sold. Caution: put little weight on expired
listings or property which has been listed for a
long time - these are often overpriced.
You have three options.
1. You can do nothing for now.
2. You can sell the property, and after adjustments split the profits.
3. One can buy the others’s share. This brings
us to the second important thing about
property.
You need a real estate lawyer to handle the
legal end of selling to a third party or the legal
end of buying/selling your share.
8
Chapter 1
The Rules
•
Process overview
•
Basis for a divorce
•
Support and custody issues
•Reconciliation
•
Starting the process
•
Two primary rules
•
File the second set of papers.
•
The courts will look at your papers
and decide to grant your divorce.
The Divorce Act and its recent amendments are
federal laws. Provincial courts are tasked to grant
your divorce if you can prove certain facts.
Generally, you file in your home province. You
will need to produce your original marriage certificate. You will also require a copy of existing court
orders, separation agreements and any other
written agreements dealing with the marriage or
any children of the marriage. If one of you has
been previously divorced, a copy of the divorce
judgment is required if divorced outside of Canada.
It is not for free; when you file your documents
you pay court costs. The amount varies by province. You may see the court costs with this link.
How long does it take? The minimum time is 90
days, but it all depends on several factors.
Short version of divorce in Canada.
•
Decide if divorce is your only option.
•
Try to resolve property and children issues
first. A separation agreement is a good
idea, but not a requirement for divorce.
•
File your petition/application/claim.
•
Wait 30 days for ‘clearance’ and
concur rently give a copy of the petition to
your spouse.
Grounds for Divorce
In Canada the only basis for granting a divorce is
marriage breakdown. There are only three reasons for breakdown.
Separation:
You have lived separate and apart for at least
one year. You do not need to prove desertion nor
do you need to prove any fault at all. If you have
lived apart for one year, and there is no dispute
about the time or anything else, then your divorce
may be granted. In some provinces you may file
for divorce before the one-year period. ( It is OK
to share the same address)
Adultery:
The spouse against whom the divorce is claimed
has committed voluntary sexual intercourse with
the opposite sex. You may be granted a divorce
if you and your spouse can agree on the facts or
you can prove your claim in court.
Cruelty:
You may proceed to get a divorce on the grounds
of physical or mental cruelty without a waiting
period.
9
How to Escape Your Marriage
Support or Custody issues
A federal act helps the court determine the
amount of child support. Please refer to the Child
Support Guidelines The court would prefer that
you and your spouse come to an agreement
about custody and support issues in accordance
with the guidelines. You both have an obligation
to follow the guidelines.
Your divorce order may include provisions for
monthly child support payments, custody and
visitation rights and the division of property.
A separation agreement is a sound idea. If you
have one, good for you. If not, then you can see
a lawyer to have one drafted, or, request your
free separation agreement package from divorce
specialist Colin Kennedy. However, a separation
agreement is not a requirement for divorce.
(I think you have heard that a couple of times
already, and there is a good reason for repetition)
Reconciliation
The court has a duty to ask you if reconciliation is
possible. You and your spouse may live together
after separation for the purpose of reconciliation
without eliminating the time towards the one-year
period as long as each temporary period or periods of living together does not exceed 90 days in
total. A weekend away or casual sleepovers do
not hinder your one-year waiting period.
How to Start your Divorce Proceedings
Some people would automatically seek out a
lawyer, but it can take longer and cost a lot of
cash to have a lawyer’s clerk fill in the papers.
Things have changed with the relaxed version of
the Divorce Act. The process has been simplified.
However, various forms must be completed and
submitted. Figuring out which ones apply to you
can be daunting and confusing.
To start your divorce, simply fill in the application
form and send it along with your one time fee of
$249. Your divorce papers are prepared and sent
to you ready for filing at your local court. In addition, you receive unlimited e-mail support.
Two Primary Rules
1. You need to have one of the three legal
reasons for divorce.
2. One of you needs to be a resident in a
province for one year before you can start the
divorce proceeding. If you leave Ontario and
escape to Kamloops, you can not file in BC
until you have lived there a year. So, you
either wait, or you start the Ontario divorce
proceeding before you move. Interestingly, it’s
OK to move the day after you file.
There is no problem with inter-provincial or international divorce if one of you meets the residency
rule.
Your country of origin, citizenship, or the place of
your marriage does not matter; what matters is
that one of you must reside in a province for one
year.
Note
It is a myth that your spouse must agree with you.
You don’t need his/her permission or approval to
start your divorce.
10
Chapter 1
Children and Separation
Custody is often misunderstood.
I see this every day. Couples make their own
support payment arrangements - and it is OK to
make any kind of arrangement you want; you
can have your ex stand at the end of the driveway every Friday morning and sing to you. You
can make an agreement for any amount of child
support, or you can agree that no child support
will be paid at all - that’s why it’s called an agreement.
Custody is defined by where the children reside,
not by the number of hours of access or visitation. If the children live with you, then you have
custody.
•
Sole custody means that one or more
children live with you, and you make the
sole decisions.
•
Joint custody means that one or more
children live with you and you have
primary care, and you both share major
decisions.
•
Shared custody means that one or more
of the children live with you, and one or
more children live with your spouse,
usually on a week-on week-off basis.
The problem? If you vary from the guidelines
you risk having your claim rejected. The least
which will happen is that the court will ask for financial statements and other support documents
to prove your case.
•
Split custody means that one or more
children reside with you, and one or more
children reside with your spouse.
•
Can you have combinations? Yes.
Another problem? Often one spouse will misrepresent, either by design or by honestly not
knowing; either way it’s misinformation, and it is
not a good idea to rely solely on information from
your ex. If the other side does not disclose income you can ask the court to have your ex file a
financial statement.
Access and Visitation
However, when it comes to divorce both parties
are expected to follow the Child Support Guidelines. Sure, it is OK to pay or receive an amount
which is different than the provincial tables, but
you need to convince the court that your reasoning is valid. The Justice has a duty to follow the
guideline table first, and then listen to your arguments.
Maximum contact by both parents is something
the courts like to see. Let’s say he/she is not
paying support money, or you are still angry, or
you don’t like the new live-in. Unless there is a
harmful risk to the children, you are expected to
allow or have fair and reasonable access and
visitation.
How to Escape Your Marriage
11
“If your former spouse was cheap, never on time
and thoughtless before the divorce, he or she
will continue to be tight, late and prone to saying
stupid things in the divorce....”
“It is common for couples to flirt from dance to
dance, each calling their own tune, sometimes in
step as if arm in arm, other times crashing apart
then rushing back to stomp toes. Often their
own”.
It is little wonder that things go wrong.
Let me share a valuable tip. Money is important!
Child custody issues are often money issues,
“I won’t give you a divorce” is almost always
about money. Marriage is about money, separation is about money, and so is your divorce.
Not doing your homework wastes money. Without certain knowledge you end up listening to the
wrong people; you pay the wrong people, and
you get bogged down with indecision.
Beware!
t is common for one spouse to not have a true
understanding of the rules. Or a spouse may
misrepresent and act in bad faith just to save a
few bucks.
There are rules to follow.
If you make babies and separate, you are obligated to pay child support based on your income.
It does not matter if the receiving parent earns
more than you, or has an adult friend helping out.
It does not matter if you move to another country.
It does not matter if you cry poor. Under the Child
Support Guidelines there are exceptions, but
don’t count on avoiding child support.
12
Chapter 1
Child Support
Separating couples can make their own child
support arrangements and it is best to follow
the rules. If you are divorcing, the Child Support
Guidelines apply. If you have children you are
obligated by law to follow the rules.
The Child Support Basics
•
The divorce judge follows the Child
Support Guidelines. This means that you
will not need to argue with your spouse
over child support money.
•
The spirit of the guidelines is such that
both parents are expected to contribute
financially.
•
The amount of child support is determined
by the number of children, where they
sleep at night, and the income of
the person paying.
•
•
•
•
A man in Ontario who earns $50,000 per
year would pay to his ex, the sum of
$753.00 per month for 2 kids.
If she earned more than him? He would
pay the same $753 per month.
If she won the lottery? He would pay the
same $753 per month, and be really nice
to her.
You can ask the judge to raise or
lower the amounts, but you need to support your request with financial statements
and a solid legal reason why the court
should step outside the guidelines.
•
Rules are included for special circumstances, self-employment and undue
hardship.
Do the guidelines apply to you?
In general, the federal Divorce Act sets out the
rules for child support amounts if you are already
divorced or planning to divorce. Provincial laws
apply if you have never been married or are separated, or planning to separate, but have decided
not to divorce.
The Federal Child Support Guidelines consist
of a set of rules and tables for calculating the
amount of support that a paying parent should
contribute toward his or her children. The guidelines are designed to make the calculation of
child support fair, predictable and consistent for
the benefit of the children.
Parents may agree on the amount by themselves, or with a legal advisor or mediator. When
the parents file a separation agreement with the
court, the judge will:
•
look at the appropriate guidelines
•
find the appropriate amount
•
determine whether the amount the parents
agreed on is reasonable.
In most cases, under the Divorce Act, the judge
must refer to the guidelines in setting the amount.
Write this down
When an agency or court is involved
you and your ex have a duty to comply
with the Child Support Guidelines
13
How to Escape Your Marriage
Start and end times for child support
The right thing is to pay child support as soon as
you separate. Child support normally ends when
the child marries, dies, or reaches the age of
majority.
Does a child enrolled in post-secondary
education still qualify for child support?
The Divorce Act does not require parents to continue support to children over the age of majority
who are pursuing a reasonable post-secondary
education.
If both parents agree that they will not continue
support, then there is no legal obligation on the
part of either parent to do so under the Divorce
Act.
The Divorce Act recognizes that, in some cases,
children at or over the age of majority may continue to require support. If the parents cannot agree
whether to provide support, then one parent
could seek the support from the other parent. In
such cases, the courts have the discretion to determine whether there is an obligation to support
the child.
Can we Duck the Guidelines?
A little repetition is good because most people get
this totally wrong.
You and your ex can agree to little or no support,
and agree to your own custody terms.
When the guidelines kick in your sweet deal
goes south. An example? One of you files for
divorce, or one of you seeks social assistance.
The divorce court follows the rules, and the social
agency, whose money you want, has a duty to try
to collect child support from your ex before they
spend their own coin.
Beware
Are you hearing words from your ex like this?
“my lawyer says...”
“the guy in the next office who just went through
this says...”
If you are hearing these words, then send a copy
of this publication to your ex.
14
Chapter 1
Things That Go Wrong
in Court
It may have taken you twenty years of marriage,
difficult times and a two hour drive to find yourself
standing at the counter with your divorce papers.
Things can go wrong here. Trust me on this one.
Stepping up to the court counter can be intimidating. Just getting to the court counter can be
an eye opener. You may see police and scruffy
people. There is a high probability that you’ll
pass a security check-point. Sitting on benches
and standing in groups will be other people with a
reason to be in the court house.
The reason for your visit is to hand over your
Step 1 divorce documents. You’ll meet a clerk.
While the clerk can be very helpful and maybe
chatty, it is not her task to listen to your not so
unique case, or to give you legal advice. She or
he will simply take your paper to create a file, and
take your money.
Your first visit
You can help by not asking procedural questions
or telling her about your ex. Just hand over your
Step 1 documents and wait for her to do her job.
The clerk has a ton of paper work every hour of
her day and things will go smoothly if you leave
her alone. Step 1 papers are Step 1, so don’t ask
the clerk to look at your Step 2 papers just yet.
One step at a time, please.
If you arrive mid morning or early afternoon you’ll
avoid the rush hour traffic and your wait on the
hard bench will be minimal. Most courts use a
number system. When you get your number, ask
for the pink and green form. You can fill in the top
section while you are waiting.
In big city courts it can be a long wait, and some
courts close at 5 pm. If you have not stepped up
the counter, you get to come back another day.
If your papers are correct, things should go
smoothly.
Court clerks can be very helpful. Or not. Each
clerk in each court seems to have their own pet
way of doing things and they have the power to
make things simmer or boil. All you can do is
smile and follow their suggestions. Typos are an
inconvenience, but your case can be delayed, or
dismissed if you have not followed the rules.
Just about every court counter has a sign pinned
to a wall, right near the window saying the clerk
cannot give legal advice. The clerk might even
say to hire a lawyer!
The smaller courts are not so busy, but the process is the same.
In some courts you may be required to see a help
desk first.
How to Escape Your Marriage
15
Your second visit
The pink and green form you filled in on your first
visit goes to the Divorce Registry in Ottawa. The
clerks at the registry check for previous divorce
or possible duplications. This process can take
up to eight weeks and at the end of the checking
the registry sends a ‘clearance’ back to the court
clerk. Without this clearance the clerk can only
hold your file. The clerk will notify you if there is a
hiccup.
If yours is a sole application, your ex needs to
be served, There are only two ways this can be
done. When the service has been done you can
return to the court with the rest of your Step two
papers.
Over time I have discovered how to work with
the clerks, so all in all things will go smoothly.
Corrections and new documents are sometimes
required; that’s the way of it. Be patient.
The clerk will read over the paperwork and do
Beware
computer entering. If you have followed the steps
and the rules, things will proceed smoothly.
Any unclear wording, or the smallest of errors will
cause a day-at-the-beach divorce to become a
The clerk takes your completed paperwork and
month-in-shark-infested-waters divorce.
sends you on your way. However; the clerk
works for several judges and each judge may
Avoid using the court to harass your ex rather
want things done a certain way. That’s why some than to achieve a resolution.
clerks want changes.
Roadblocks spring up when either of you fail to
Too often the divorce is delayed when people
agree, or simply fail to understand the basic rules
think they can bend the rules about child support.
You may have an agreement with your ex that
Errors and omissions in your paperwork will have
says you both agree to either no child support
your case put on hold or rejected.
or a lesser amount. But the court has a duty to
follow the Child Support Guidelines and will order The courts have little sympathy for two kinds
support paid according to the table sums. You
of self-represented parties - the hostile and the
may ask the court to vary from the guidelines,
inept.
but it is a difficult task. Look at it this way. If you
and your ex have an agreement that you can
drive 20 Km over the speed limit, will the police
agree?
16
Chapter 1
Lawyers often tell you that
your written separation agreement needs to be made by a
lawyer.
A written agreement is a domestic contract which
is legal when signed and witnessed by any adult.
So why do lawyers claim you need legal counsel
for any agreement to be legal?
Even before seeing your agreement, a lawyer
may say your agreement will not stand up in court
unless it is created and signed by him/her. The
most common reason given is that the lawyer’s
job is to protect your rights and do what is best
for you, and without his/her help you may be at
risk.
The courts encourage you to use an agreement,
and the courts also say that your agreement
needs to be signed and witnessed, and can be
made with or without legal counsel.
Under normal conditions, you and your ex can
come to reasonable terms because there are
rules about child support and property, which
leaves very little room for fighting. Use the free
template to hash out the details. In a December
issue of McLean’s the premier of Alberta called
this approach “getting to yes”.
What happens next may surprise you, or not.
One of you decides to take it to a lawyer for a
quick review. You are told your agreement is
invalid and should not trust anything from the
internet. During your first interview the lawyer will
ask some very basic questions about children,
property, and money. The lawyer draws out your
answers to discover your situation and to decide
if it is in the lawyer’s best interest to represent
you. Face facts here; a lawyer has only so much
time in the day, and he/she will always ask “Does
this person have the ability to pay my bill?”
A lawyer cannot represent both sides, so your
spouse will need to hire his/her own lawyer. By
nature and training lawyers are expected to fight,
so your separation agreement is now following
the adversarial model to resolution- and that my
friend suits the lawyers just fine. Don’t be fooled
if your lawyer talks about the collaborative model;
this approach means that the lawyers promise to
work things out between the parties without going
to court. The collaborative law model does not
promise to limit the meetings or the billings.
Consider this; if you have children you and your
spouse and your team of lawyers have a duty to
comply with the Child Support Guidelines. The
guidelines have been in place for a while and are
designed to eliminate fights and costly court time.
There is little to argue about, and little to discuss
about child support - but your lawyer, despite the
rules, uses the traditional adversarial model to
drag things out with more meetings which results
in you spending more money.
Property and pensions have their own set of
rules, which also means there is little to discuss,
but if you can pay the fee, lawyers will find things
to argue.
17
How to Escape Your Marriage
There are two legal issues about separation that
may seriously require legal assistance: claims for
custody of children, or claims for spousal support.
Often claims for child custody are used as a red
herring, to stall or to avoid paying child support.
Lawyers truly like to fight over spousal support
because it generates so much billings. I wrote the
book How to Resolve Spousal Support Without Lawyers. For answers and more info about
alimony and spousal support
see www.myspousalsupport.com
Maybe you have only paid $1,200 for your lawyer to print your agreement, or maybe you have
parted with $20,000. Now you are ready to do the
signing, Guess what - your ex has no legal duty
to sign the thing, ever.
Why use a lawyer for your separation agreement?
You may go to lawyer for a separation agreement
because you have no idea of what it should contain or what terms are agreeable.
You may be so emotionally drained and cannot
think straight, so you seek legal help to sort out
the mess.
You may be so angry that you seek out a lawyer
to “make ‘em pay”.
You have tons of money, so a few thousand paid
to a lawyer is simply lunch money.
Maybe you sincerely do need legal help, so try to
pick the right counsel. You may be better served
by an accountant or a real estate lawyer.
Special rules for Alberta?
Lawyers in Alberta have been known to claim that
in Alberta only lawyers may make an agreement.
They say that a written agreement in Alberta is
invalid if it is not created by a lawyer.
The lawyers are manipulating and dancing
around the facts. Here’s why. The legislation
is called the Alberta Matrimonial Property Act.
(MPA). The very last line causes a ton of confusion and results in misinformation.
Here’s the short version of the requirement that
a written agreement must be made by a lawyer
under this Act. 1. If there is a dispute about property, and the
dispute comes before a court,
2. If evidence is in the form of a written
agreement, then, the agreement is accepted
by this court as evidence if the agreement is
made before a lawyer.
Lawyers for years have used the last line in this
act to claim that all written separation agreements
in Alberta must be made before a lawyer. They
also insist that both parties to an agreement seek
independent legal advice, which drives the billings. Here is what is also in the Act and they don’t
want you to know...
“Creating a separation agreement will allow the
parties to contract out of the MPA. That means
that the MPA will not apply to their property. The
spouse must understand that they are giving
up their right to future claims– this right is being
replaced with the agreement.”
It is not a legal requirement for lawyer to make
your separation agreement.
18
Chapter 1
Four Legal Methods to End
Your Marriage
1. Do Nothing
One of your options is to do nothing. If you do nothing you’ll stay married, and what’s the harm of
staying married? Obviously you won’t be able
to remarry until you get around to divorce, and
being married will hinder any new relationship. Is
that a bad thing or a good thing?
If you wait long enough your spouse may do the
deed for you, and you’ll get a free divorce. Wait
a little longer and your spouse may die, and you
become a widow(er). In the dating game there is
a real advantage to being a widow(er).
You can stay married, but it is prudent to protect
your rights and resolve issues with a separation
agreement.
2. Hire A Lawyer
Set aside $4,000 to $8,000 to hire a pretty good
lawyer.
As in any profession, there are good lawyers and
bad lawyers. It’s up to you to ask the right questions and to determine which lawyer is best for
you. Lawyers expect you to follow these simple
rules.
•
Everything is not an emergency; your
lawyer is not on call after business hours.
•
Your lawyer is not a psychologist.
•
Communicate honestly with your lawyer.
•
Take your lawyer’s advice.
•
Your lawyer can’t change the system, nor
can your lawyer punch your divorce into
‘turbo speed’. (often a lawyer brokered
divorce takes 3x longer).
•
Your lawyer cannot circumvent the Child
Support Guidelines, the Divorce Act or any
other of the hundreds of rules.
•
Your lawyer expects to be paid on time,
usually in advance by a series of retainers.
Failure to follow these rules may result
in your lawyer ‘firing’ you. He/she can
choose to stop representing you and
withdraw from your case. This usually
happens if you fail to communicate with
your lawyer or fail to follow his/her advice.
It may also occur if you cannot pay the bill.
Money is important, so try to get a firm estimate
of how much money you will pay for your divorce. Unless you can negotiate a flat fee you
can expect to be billed for every meeting, every
phone call, every single piece of paper, and even
the stamp used to send you your bill. That’s the
way of it. Your lawyer is not doing you a personal
favour; he/she is working for you and expects to
be paid.
3. Do it Yourself Divorce
I am often asked if it is possible to do your own
divorce. And the answer is, “Maybe”.
It is a general principle in law that no person
needs to employ a lawyer if he/she does not want
to and anyone can represent himself or herself in
court.
This is true of divorce just as it is of any other
legal proceedings. It is unlikely that you will be
required to attend court; provided that you have
been diligent with your paperwork and support
documents. In fact, you can do it yourself and for
you this may be a perfectly satisfactory option.
How to Escape Your Marriage
Be aware that DIY divorce is possible if you
have the time and patience to research the
Divorce Act, study your provincial laws, and
become comfortable with court proceedings. You
still need to do your own cost/benefit analysis;
you must seriously consider the colossal amount
of time required just to correctly fill in the various
forms and decide which ones are appropriate for
you.
19
The entire divorce process results in you getting
this single piece of paper mailed to you from the
court clerk. It’s your DIVORCE ORDER
Free Divorce Forms are available for all provinces. Simple typing for most of you.
The do-it-yourself method bogs down very quickly when you are asked to present your facts in a
certain way. Most people start to write essays, or
try to include legal sounding words which make
no sense at all. It does make for a good laugh,
and it also means the court clerk will reject your
forms and send you on your way.
4. On-line Divorce
This method is an alternative to paying thousands to a lawyer. - This method uses the same
forms, the same court rules and you can expect
the same outcome - you get divorced.
When you hire me to prepare your legal package your divorce goes smoothly and quickly. You
hand over your completed documents knowing
that your papers are correct and in accordance
with the Divorce Act and the Child Support
Guidelines.
The fee to prepare your legal documents and
guide you through the system is a modest $249.
There are no hidden fees, no taxes, no handling
fees, no shipping charges
Send your on-line application, it will take only two
two minutes
How Can I get a free divorce?
•
Legal aid is available in most provinces if
you have almost no income. Divorce is
not covered by legal aid unless you or
your children are in danger.
•
Court fees can be waived in some
circumstances.
•
You have the right to ask the court to
have your soon-to-be-ex pay your costs.
It is then up to you to collect the money
from your ex.
•
Do nothing,
just wait for your ex to do the deed.
20
Chapter 2
All about Money Honey
Your separation and divorce is
usually all about money.
Now you can keep more of your money, and
sleep nights”. Separation is like this iceberg.
What you don’t know can hurt you.
After the wedding bells fall silent
and baby cries fill the air - you
may only see the tip of the
financial berg. When separation
or divorce is staring you in the
face, it is time protect yourself.
It’s time to stick your head in the
water and see what lies beneath.
•
•
You either love your lawyer, or learn to hate dealing with them.
Ask for a flat fee, so what you see is what you
get. But like the iceberg, lurking below the surface are hidden costs. Beware of hidden fees.
“There are so many rules and so little time to
ponder them. I had better stop
because I cannot bill my client for
these thoughts. Or can I?”
( Delfman, Bruce. The Rule in
Jimmy’s Case.)
How to save on legal bills
Section 2 is written by
an accountant and
applies to everyone.
Use a separation a
agreement; and before
you start to fill it in and present it for his/
her signature learn all you can about your
money situation, and don’t rely exclusively
on information from your ex. As related in
Things That Go Wrong with Divorce you
may find yourself being manipulated by
misinformation.
•
do your own homework.
•
know your rights and know
what you want.
• Save about $3,700 by using
the free separation agreement.
•
decide if you actually need a lawyer to
broker your divorce.
•
leave your tears at the door, why pay $350
an hour to use the lawyer’s box of tissue?
•
Hidden fees are legendary; it will cost you
money just to call the office. Please remember the lawyer is not paid for your
successful divorce, the lawyer is paid for
time.
How to Escape Your Marriage
25 WAYS TO DIVORCE WITHOUT
GOING BROKE
21
credit in your own name, and to use when you
cancel your joint accounts.
Divorce is the largest single financial transaction 7. If you need quick access to cash, borrow funds
of most people’s lives and raises important ques- from your parents, or a credit union. The cost of
these sources of funds beats credit card interest
tions that demand immediate answers.
rates by a wide margin.
Before the Divorce
1. Cancel all joint credit cards, including charge,
department store, and gasoline card accounts.
Even if a court rules that you aren’t responsible for charges made by your spouse after you
separate, the credit card company can hold you
responsible while you and your ex sort it out.
8. Make a clear copy of all tax returns, loan
applications, wills, trusts, financial statements,
banking information, loan documents, credit card
statements, and deeds to real property, car registration, insurance inventories, and all insurance
policies. Copy all papers having to do with money
now, so you won’t have to subpoena them later.
9. Don’t delay gathering financial information,
even if you are not sure if you want to divorce.
your automobile and home, buy clothes for your- Knowledge about your finances will make you a
self and your children, and other family expenses. better partner if the two of you stay together, and
Begin your divorce with these expenses already will help you get the best settlement possible if
paid, rather than arguing with your spouse about you don’t.
who should pay them later.
2. Before you separate, use joint funds to repair
10. Copy records that you can use to trace your
3. Remember that judges usually enforce the sta- separate property, such as an inheritance or a gift
tus quo, so start the processes now that you will from your family. These assets will remain yours
want to continue after your divorce. For example, as long as you can document them.
go back to school, get braces for the kids, begin
medical treatments, etc.
11. Read a book or take a class, and read related articles and information within this site, even
4. Open a post office box that you can use for
if you plan to use a lawyer or mediator. Knowing
your mail before you separate and while you are how the legal process works will mean that your
in the process of divorce. Confidential information lawyer won’t have to explain it to you—at his or
can be sent to you there, and it provides a stable her normal hourly rate.
mailing address as your life changes.
5. Accumulate money in an easily accessible
bank account in your name. Although eventually
you will have to tell your soon-to-be ex-spouse
about the funds, you will be able to use the money to get through the divorce.
6. Apply for credit cards in your own name.
These cards have multiple uses: as an easy way
to access money during the divorce, to establish
12. Try mediation instead of litigation. The liti-
gation process creates an environment in which
two spouses fight against each other, instead of
working together to solve the problems of property division and custody arrangements. Mediation
is private, less expensive, and kinder to your
children than litigation.
22
Chapter 2
13. If mediation won’t work, consider arbitration.
Arbitration is less expensive than court, but lets
you “rent a judge”, an impartial observer who may
be able to help decide any issues remaining in
your settlement.
14. Do not waive your right to spousal support
except after close consideration of all of the facts
and a thorough discussion. Once waived, the
right to spousal support cannot be re-acquired.
15. Consider receiving your spousal support as
a lump sum payment instead of monthly checks.
The default rate for monthly payments is about
50%. A smaller lump sum that you actually receive is better than monthly payments that never
arrive.
16. Fighting over child support in court is gener-
ally unnecessary. All provinces have child support
guidelines based on income and child sharing
arrangements that do not allow for negotiation or
tantrums.
17. When deciding whether or not to keep the
house, consider the cost of maintenance, repairs,
homeowner’s association fees, gardeners, and
other household expenses. Although you may be
able to afford the mortgage, the other expenses
may exceed the amount your budget.
18. Consider the value of professional degrees
and licenses. In some cases, these assets are
marital property, and you are entitled to a share
of their value.
19. Don’t forget often overlooked assets. Fre-
quent flyer miles, vacation and sick pay, season
tickets, club memberships, timeshares, magazine
subscriptions, and prepaid insurance all are assets that have value and should be split.
21. Find common ground and proceed from
there. Even if you and your soon-to-be-ex can
agree only on minor points, that’s a starting
place. Document your understandings in writing,
use a free separation agreement from candivorce.ca and build on your agreements, rather
than focusing on disagreements.
22. Don’t let guilt rule you. “Please release me,
let me go” goes the country song, but don’t give
up everything to buy your release. Your spouse
will still be unhappy, and you’ll be equally unhappy when you find yourself impoverished by your
foolish gesture.
23. Don’t leave home until you have to. Once
you move, you may have trouble getting your
personal items, and you’ll also have difficulty
gaining custody of the children you’ve left behind.
And if you and your spouse both want to keep the
house, the resident spouse is more likely to win.
24. Don’t let your spouse turn off the utilities and
phone. If your spouse moves out and asks the
utility companies to cease billing him, they may
turn out the lights. Contact the utility companies to be sure they will continue service in your
name.
25. Do you really need to spend thousands on a
lawyer? Colin Kennedy offers workable alternatives.
By Ginita Wall, CPA, CFP with Jessica Richman
Edited for Canadian content by Colin Kennedy.
For divorce see http://www.YouCanDivorce.com
For Spousal Support see: http://www.myspousalsupport.com
How to Escape Your Marriage
A very quick summary about money.
If you have custody of your children, you will have
child support money.
If you have property, you have the right to cash
out your share.
You may be entitled to monthly payments from
your ex. This is called spousal support and is
discussed now.
Spousal support
It is money to help withthe transition to self-sufficiency. When it comes to spousal support,
please accept two simple truths.
1. There are no official spousal support guidelines. Each case stands on its own.
2. There are only two methods to resolve spousal
support money: by agreement, or a court order.
I’ve been privileged to have success as a separation and divorce specialist. Every month thousands of people snap up my legal separation
agreement and this book How to Escape your
Marriage They use the on-line tools to solve
money, property, and child support issues to successfully finalize their own affairs without interference from lawyers.
Over the course of two years I wrote the book on
spousal support. This book can make the world of
difference -- and can save you countless nights
of frustration. If you insist on hiring a lawyer then
with your new knowledge, you can shorten your
consulting time and substantially lower the lawyer’s bill.
23
This book will solve problems, but it is not a free
book. Take a look at
http://www.myspousalsupport.com
How much spousal support money?
There are no official spousal support guidelines,
and the software lawyers use to make the calculations is totally misleading. I’ll show you how to
work out the support sums and present your draft
for approval so you won’t have to go to court or
spend a fortune in legal fees. You control the process and eliminate wasted time running back and
forth to a law office or waiting for appointments.
If your ex is leaving and you need the money!
“You rat, you’re leaving me high and dry, I want
you to pay”, isn’t going to work
It can be a difficult time when you struggle with
change, and it’s a double whammy when you are
running on empty. I’ ll show you how to recover
and how to fill up the tank.
If your ex is demanding spousal support
money
The premise here is that you do not want to pay
alimony or spousal support, and even if you
think it’s fair to pay alimony and you intend to do
so - but the other side is out for blood, I’ll show
you how to understand what the other side must
prove.
I’ll share what processes they might use, and
how the attack might happen. I’ll show you how
to decide what amount of money is fair; and key
negotiating skills so you can lower the support
payments to a modest level.
24
Chapter 2
Maybe we need to shift the blame?
Most lawyers and other experts will often tell you
that delays and expenses are a result of a directions from a spiteful spouse, backed up by the
whisperings of a new live-in, ignorance, or maybe
just a pig-headed need to cause pain.
Sorry, I don’t have an answer for yours or your
ex’s behaviour. I would suggest you do your research about child support and spousal support.
because maybe you can avoid the court route
altogether.
Divorce doesn’t “fix” your ex.
If your former spouse was cheap, never on time
and thoughtless before the divorce, he or she
will continue to be tight, late and prone to saying
stupid things in the divorce. The things that you
tolerated in marriage under the perfume of love
will infuriate you in divorce.
You thought you were done with putting up with
his or her behaviour, but it continues just like it
was in your marriage.
You have to learn to accept, overlook and forgive,
or else you are going to expend lots of wasted
emotions on someone you’re not even married to.
You can only be angry with or hate someone you
care about. (Ain’t that a bummer!)
Also, your lawyer can’t make your ex-spouse
be a sensitive person or parent, so don’t waste
unnecessary dollars trying to have your lawyer
get “through” to him or her. When you can begin
to replace the word “wrong” (as pertains to parenting skills, money values, personal habits, etc.,
etc., etc.) with the word “different,” you’ll have
come a long way toward acceptance.
If you don’t hate your exiting spouse when you
first separate, you will within three months to
three years. It’s next to impossible to skip this
one, though it always seems to come as a surprise. Why, I’m not sure.
Now you both have different agendas and no
way will your priorities (usually money concerns
or kid issues) be the same as your ex’s. It’s okay,
and sometimes even important, to be angry with
your ex (for a certain amount of time -- not forever), but it’s not okay to share or show that anger
with your children or in front of your children. Not
easy, but for their mental health, their need for a
safe haven and their need to love both parents,
you’ve got to keep these volatile feelings to yourself -- or limit them to your therapist or support
group.
Chapter 3
How to Escape Your Marriage
25
Relationship
For anyone who hasn’t been divorced, trust me, divorce is never what you imagine it to be. Here are
a few insights that give you some idea of what may lie ahead. It covers most of us
The Walkaway Wife Syndrome
Two thirds to three quarters of divorces will be
filed by women. What is this so-called, “Walkaway Wife” syndrome all about?
In the early years of marriage, women are the
relationship caretakers. They carefully monitor
their relationships to make sure there is enough
closeness and connection. If not, women will do
what they can to try to fix things. If their husbands
aren’t responsive, women become extremely
unhappy and start complaining about everything
under the sun... things that need to get done
around the house, responsibilities pertaining to
the children, how free time is spent and so on.
Unfortunately, when women complain, men generally retreat and the marriage deteriorates even
more.
After years of trying unsuccessfully to improve
things, a woman eventually surrenders and
convinces herself that change isn’t possible. She
ends up believing there’s absolutely nothing she
can do because everything she’s tried hasn’t
worked. That’s when she begins to carefully map
out the logistics of what she considers to be the
inevitable, getting a divorce.
While she’s planning her escape, she no longer
tries to improve her relationship or modify her
partner’s behavior in any way. She resigns herself to living in silent desperation until “D Day.”
Unfortunately, her husband views his wife’s
silence as an indication that “everything is fine.”
After all, the “nagging” has ceased. That’s why,
when she finally breaks the news of the impending divorce, her shell-shocked partner replies, “I
had no idea you were unhappy.”
When her husband undergoes real and lasting
changes, it’s often too late. The same impenetrable wall that for years shielded her from pain, now
prevents her from truly recognizing his genuine
willingness to change. The relationship is in the
danger zone.
Please don’t give up. I have seen so many men
make amazing changes once they truly understand how unhappy their wives have been.
Sometimes men are slow to catch on, but when
they do, their determination to turn things around
can be astounding. I have seen many couples
strengthen their marriages successfully even
though it seemed an impossible feat. Give your
husband another chance. Let him prove to you
that things can be different. Keep your family together. Divorce is not a simple answer. It causes
unimaginable pain and suffering. It takes an enormous amount of energy to face each day. Why
not take this energy and learn some new skills
and make your marriage what you’ve wanted it to
be for so long?
If you’re a man reading this and your wife has
been complaining or nagging, thank her. It means
she still cares about you and your marriage.
She’s working hard to make your love stronger.
Spend time with her. Talk to her. Compliment her.
Pay attention. Take her seriously. Show her that
she’s the most important thing in the world to you.
Perhaps your wife is no longer open to your
advances because she’s a soon-to-be walkaway
wife. Don’t crowd her. Don’t push. Be patient. If
you demonstrate you can change and she still
has eyes... and a heart, you might just convince
her to give your marriage another try.
2002 Copyright - Michele Weiner-Davis.
26
Chapter 3
And Then We Danced
An older man, separated from his wife for eight
and a half years decides to apply for a simple
divorce. They have no children and all their
property and money things have been attended
to a long time ago. The man is asking only for
divorce, and according to the Divorce Act there is
no dispute.
The dance begins. His is the dance of acceptance. Hers is the dance of anger and resentment.
Denial
Anger / Resentment / Revenge
Bargaining / Negotiation
Depression
Acceptance
A true story of two people dancing out of step,
soon joined by her lawyer who has his own
bargaining dance. If she does nothing then she
automatically gets a free divorce. She partners
with her lawyer who give her his wise advice. “Do
not ignore this document, we must file at once”.
The man receives a notice telling him to pay her
costs to file, and to pay her partner’s ample coin.
Now he does the dance of depression. Later the
same day, after parchment from his own divorce
specialist, the man returns to the dance of acceptance, knowing he can sit theirs out.
A related article, Walk Away Wife Syndrome
looks at another dance. The husband is blissfully
unaware of problems. You can see him prancing
about whistling the chorus called denial. Everything is fine on his marriage dance floor.
Meanwhile, she does a two-step all by herself.
She’s done with the moves to denial, has moved
beyond the rhythm of anger and the shuffle of
bargaining. She has left depression behind and is
now firmly embracing the melody of acceptance.
They dance and dance, out of step and finally out
of their lives.
It is common for couples to flirt from dance
to dance, each calling
their own tune, sometimes in step as if arm
in arm, other times
crashing apart then
rushing back to stomp
toes. Often their own.
Children are invited,
the music loud. Anger
and revenge blasts the air. Soon enough, quietly
on their own they learn the fancy steps of bargaining. Take time to observe and you’ll see them
practicing depression, but rarely acceptance.
Maybe couples dance the same dance at the
same time. If it’s denial, then all seems well. If it’s
the fast tempo of anger, then words and cries fill
the air. Bouncing here and there. Directionless.
We frequently see a pair of pipers with their forms
and letters - keeping the dance alive. At the end
of the day with bows and curtsies all around, they
pay the pipers their coin. They finally leave the
floor, acceptance mellow in the background - to
dance and dance and dance alone.
Alternatively, they can decide to pause, to take
note, to see and hear the other, eyes and ears
open, willing to learn and practice the new dance
called communication.
27
Mediation
Family mediation may be a good idea if you cannot agree. It’s like having a referee. Corporations
and unions use mediators, you can too.
You both agree to take part in this process. The
mediator helps you to look at the outstanding
issues.
Typically you will first be interviewed by the mediator one at a time. The process will be explained
and the mediator will try to find out if this process
will work for you.
A key part of the mediator’s job is to listen
-
Your mediator helps communication and
problem solving
-
Provides a safe and supportive setting
-
Ensures discussions are meaningful and
respectful
-
-
Assists you both to identify needs, create and
evaluate solutions, make decisions and word
their own agreements
Encourages you to assess their current
financial situation and determine how they will
provide for future needs.
What’s in it for you?
Maybe your ex will see your side. Maybe you’ll
see his. Maybe you’ll actually resolve things.
Maybe you won’t need to spend thousands on
adversarial lawyers.
How to Impress a Woman
A Sunday afternoon, it’s summer, friends are
sitting by the water, watching boats, the dogs, but
mostly just sitting about, doing not much of anything.
“Here’s a joke that I tell at my seminars, says
Richard. A man is walking down a beach when
he picks up a bottle and, lo and behold, a genie
emerges, saying what else but “Your wish is my
command.”
The man thinks a minute and finally asks, “Well,
I live on an island, 30 miles from land. I’d like
you to build me a bridge so I can drive back and
forth.”
The genie shakes his head, strokes his beard,
and says, “That’s an awfully difficult request,
don’t you have anything easier for me to fulfil?”
The man says, “Let’s see, well since I deal with
women, it would be really helpful to know what
they want.”
The genie answers, “About that bridge, two lanes
or four?”
From across the lawn, a sharp rebuking from
Richard’s wife. “Richard, if you wait for me to tell
you what I want it’s too late.”
“Shoes! And more shoes” A return shout from
Richard, his arms flying in mock defense.
“Well smarty pants, how come it takes a million
sperm to find one egg?” She flings the answer,
“Men are too stupid to ask directions!”
One of the mature ladies reaching into her purse
says, “Here is something I printed from the internet.
28
How to Impress a Woman.
respect her,
honour her,
compliment her,
cuddle her, kiss her, caress her,
listen to her,
care for her, comfort her,
wine and dine her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.
She pauses for effect, getting ready to deliver the
punch line. She observes some of the females
smiling as if to say ‘wouldn’t it be nice.’
Richard jumps in, shouting, “Hey you know how
to impress a man? Show up naked and bring
food!”
Laughs all around, both sexes nodding approval.
A voice, soft and soothing, barely heard, flows
over the group.
“To be seen and heard, and for you to know what
I want before I have to ask for it.” Says the Doc.
“Yes. It’s a deeply familiar female sentiment that’s
completely unfamiliar to males, unless it’s said
during a fight or in couple’s therapy.”
Doc pauses, giving others a chance to offer
words or take over. They don’t, not even Richard.
“It’s a learned behaviour, girls start shutting down
in the sixth grade, according to a recent study by
the Association of University Women. They drop
to minimum levels of participation by the seventh
and eighth grade. It’s as if saying “I want” or “I
need” seems unladylike and unattractive.”
The group of friends are silent. It’s not often the
Doc runs on like this. She continues, “Or maybe
the reasons are even more serious. The extreme
view is that women can see no way of exercising
control without risking an assertion that seems
selfish and hence morally dangerous. What ever
the reason, women have learned not to speak up;
they developed an unwritten code of of behaviour
characterized by subtlety, innuendo, inference
and at worst manipulation. Women have become
comfortable with this code, yet men have not.”
Doc takes a deep breath, considering and editing her next words, and from her right a booming
voice.
“Hey, how ‘bout them Jays?”
29
Four Reasons Your Partner
Wants to Dump You
This will help you with your day to day dealings
with people. You will discover the four key reasons why someone will co-operate with you, do
business with you, and like you. Conversely, you
will find four key reasons why people will not deal
with you, or won’t follow your suggestions, or buy
from you, or why they want you out of their life.
The four reasons apply to me just as they apply
to you and everybody in your work or personal
life. These four reasons will show you why people
either turn to you or turn away. So let’s get to it.
1: Need
An hour ago a tell-a-marketer called me; the one
with the hard to understand accent, the one asking me to switch phone service. I have a phone,
I have been with the same carrier for forty years.
No matter what incentives she offered, I am not
about to switch. I do not need her service.
The same is true of snow tires. If you do not have
a need, then you are not going to buy new tires.
Ditto in your personal relationships. The key here
is to discover the other person’s need and then
meet it.
In my business I deal with separation and divorce
issues. Every week hundreds of people ask for
and receive my legal separation agreement. This
free agreement in Word format helps people
resolve their issues without spending a stack of
their hard-earned money on legal bills. I meet
their need.
Personal relationship needs are more complex
than phone service or legal papers. Needs must
be met, yours and your partner’s. It is not easy;
it takes a sincere willingness to openly communicate.
2: No Hurry
There are just too many things in our day-to-day
lives that need immediate attention, and by nature we put off what we can.
The guy at the tire store will tell you that his busiest time for new snow tires is right after the first
snow fall.
In work or business we need to act quickly or we
loose customers and money. Often a business
will tempt you with incentives, sometimes overdoing it and driving you away forever.
In my business, people have their own time-line.
Work, kids, money, and events all take priority
over something that can be put off another month
or two. Some people even after years of separation are still not divorced. It took me six, so I can
understand the no-hurry syndrome.
The danger with fixing work or personal relationships is that it is just too easy to put things on
hold. An eroding association takes enormous
energy to fix, and the longer things fester the
harder the task. So find out what it will take to
make things happen right now. Honestly examine
where you are in your relationship, what is good,
and what needs immediate attention. Why not
take some of this energy and learn some new
skills to strengthen your relationship?
“Women are the relationship caretakers. They
carefully monitor their relationships to make sure
there is enough closeness and connection. If not,
women will do what they can to try to fix things. If
their husbands aren’t responsive, women become extremely unhappy and start complaining
about everything under the sun. Unfortunately,
when women complain, men generally retreat
and the marriage deteriorates even more”
30
3: You Are No Help
Six people are standing around a tree. Looking
up. A kid is stuck, crying for mom. Six people
offer advice. Not one of them has a ladder.
In business you need to have the tools ready, and
you need the skill to use those tools. Too often a
business can not help you, but the real sin lies in
the common attitude of not caring enough to even
consider taking a small step to solve a problem.
You see it everyday.
On the plus side, you experience quality help in
many business transactions. You walk away feeling good, like you count.
Relationships matter. If you and your partner are
having difficulties perhaps it’s time to decide on
fixing things. To help the other and help yourself.
Persistently show that you like each other to keep
your relationship fresh. Even something as simple as complementing on your spouse’s looks or
buying little surprised gifts can help. Look for the
things that would make your partner feel cherished.
Both of you have a duty to your partnership to
maintain open and honest communication. Marriage fails for a multitude of reasons; this writer
suggests that the number one relationship killer is
a failure for couples to communicate openly.
“Relationships must deepen or die” John LeCarre
4: I Don’t Trust You
Cops, lawyers and the tax man all assume people do not tell the truth. It is their starting point.
Don’t confuse credibility with trust. Credibility is
a degree on the wall, a title, skill or knowledge.
“Trust me, I am a certified expert”. Ya right.
Trust is something you earn. The easiest method
to gain someone’s trust is to do what you say.
Relationships fall apart when he doesn’t call
when he knows he is going to be late. When she
fails to fulfill a promise. Things erode one tiny
failure at a time.
Every person who has ever been involved with
any kind of sales transaction will tell you about
the “Be Backs”, the person who tells them they
want what they are selling. It is too difficult to say
“I don’t need your product, I am not buying anytime soon, and I find that you aren’t much help
anyway”. The easy response is usually “I’ll be
back”.
We hear the relationship “Be Back” all the time.
The “I’ll look after that”. If nothing else, one
should be open and admit that there is a delay or
a problem that needs attention. “Here is how I am
going to fix it….” Then do it.
You gain others trust by doing your job.
By doing what you say.
Period.
31
Rowing to Emotional
Recovery
Late summer of ‘92. Bent over, arms on knees,
resting, trying to recover from a long hard row
against the tidal current. Pleased with this not-soeasy accomplishment. Too bad there wasn’t an
audience, someone to do the clapping, to deliver
accolades. She is no longer here, my wife.
Perhaps she is with him right now. Having a
morning coffee, or sharing a shower. Back then,
before the recovery, I was adrift and afloat in selfpity. Wondering for the hundredth time. What did I
do to deserve this? Why me? Why did our friends
abandon me too? The questions unanswered,
just floating out to sea, then sinking.
It’s was like this for a while, owning this deep
feeling of loss and hope. Still expecting her to just
show up at our favourite dock-side restaurant, her
smile radiating, her arms open. At home the deck
lights were always on, waiting her return. Sitting
at the window, watching the rain, waiting for the
taxi.
The emotional steps leading from the first shock
of betrayal to the cleansing action of divorce is
similar to the steps dealing with death. And in
the early stages I sometimes preferred death.
Friends tried to help with their professional advice. Mostly they said it will get better with time.
“You’ll be fine.” “You just need time to heal” That
was a good one, like if it were only as simple as
a broken leg, or hole in the hull. Those I could
fight, those I could understand. Did I listen then?
I said I did, but in the early stages it’s impossible.
Months later, visiting a friend in a hospital room I
found myself saying the same things. My words
sounding terribly false and hollow against his
real pain, his discomfort and fear. “You’ll be fine”
In his case, like mine, it was true, and we both
recovered.
I remember my anger, experiencing it as feeling
down or depressed. Left unresolved, this anger
could have ruined my career, business opportunities and my health. All of these feelings lowered
my sense of self-worth and self-esteem. At this
point, motivation and drive to try new things disappeared, resulting in less and less confidence in
my abilities.
I began to worry and over-think, creating feelings
of anxiety. I worried about many things, especially
not ever letting anyone into my life. I could justify being a castaway, safely at anchor, alone. I
continued to have work problems and developed
a sleep disorder. I found comfort in plotting fanciful revenge. If left unchecked this pattern would
continue into a downward spiral, creating more
fear, more anger or depression lower self-esteem
and more worry and anxiety.
The simple truth is that I had a good marriage
with a good wife. She left. Yes I had generous
feelings of betrayal; how could she do this to me?
I had constant feelings of loss. Driving our car,
turning to see the passenger seat empty would fill
me with unseen tears. Somehow things changed
for me; sure the counseling helped, but mostly
the change happened when I finally gave myself
permission to move on, to accept things for what
they are, to accept the new opportunities, to see
the door open, not closed.
32
I dreaded the thought of divorce. I had worried
about divorce for a long time before I had the
nerve and courage to take this final action. I
spend many nights saying it was OK to do it.
I’d put it off for one good reason after another. I
told myself the money was too tight, knowing the
lie. I told myself I would do it after the holidays, or
maybe next month, or next week.
Intellectually, I was aware of the immediate benefits of getting divorced and since there was
nobody seeking my hand I kept postponing,
procrastinating. The day I filed my divorce papers
was a day of discovery. I discovered relief from
anxiety and a freedom I did not expect. The day I
filed was a day of new beginnings, a day of new
life.
Why Should I
be the One
to Change?
You’re really mad at your partner. You’ve explained your point of view a million times. S/he
never listens. You can’t believe that a person can
be so insensitive. So, you wait. You’re convinced
that eventually s/he will have to see the light; that
you’re right and s/he’s wrong. In the meantime,
there’s silence. But the tension is so thick in your
house, you can cut it with a knife. You hate the
distance, but there’s nothing you can do about it
because you’re mad. You’re really mad.
You try to make yourself feel better by getting
involved in other things. Sometimes this even
works. But you wake up every morning facing
the fact that nothing’s changed at all. A feeling
of dissatisfaction permeates everything you do.
From time to time, you ask yourself, “Is there
something I should do differently,?” but you quickly dismiss this thought because you know that, in
your heart of hearts, you’re not the one to blame.
So the distance between you and your partner
persists.
Does any of this sound familiar? Have you and
your partner been so angry with each other that
you’ve gone your separate ways and stopped
interacting with each other? Have you convinced
yourself that, until s/he initiates making up, there
will be no peace in your house? If so, I have few
things I want to tell you.
You are wasting precious energy holding on to
your anger. It’s exhausting to feel resentment day
in and day out. It takes a toll on your body and
soul. It’s bad for your health and hard on your
spirit. It’s awful for your relationship. Anger imprisons you. It casts a gray cloud over your days.
It prevents you from feeling real joy in any part of
your life. Each day you drown yourself in resentment is another day lost out of your life. What a
waste!
I have worked with so many people who live in
quiet desperation because they are utterly convinced that their way of seeing things is right and
their partner’s is wrong. They spend a lifetime
trying to get their partners to share their views. I
hear, “I’ll change if s/he changes,” a philosophy
that ultimately leads to a stalemate. There are
many variations of this position. For example, “I’d
be nicer to her, if she were nicer to me,” or “I’d be
more physical and affectionate if he were more
communicative with me,” or “I’d be more considerate and tell her about my plans if she wouldn’t
hound me all the time about what I do.” You get
the picture…
33
“I’ll be different if you start being different first.”
Trust me when I tell you that this can be a very,
very long wait.
There’s a much better way to view things when
you and your partner get stuck like this. I’ve been
working with couples for years and I’ve learned a
lot about how change occurs in relationships. It’s
like a chain reaction. If one person changes, the
other one does too. It really doesn’t matter who
starts first. It’s simply a matter of tipping over the
first domino. Change is reciprocal. Let me give
you an example.
I worked with a woman who was very distressed
about her husband’s long hours at work. She
felt they spent very little time together as a couple and that he was of little help at home. This
infuriated her. Every evening when he returned
for work, her anger got the best of her and she
criticized him for bailing out on her. Inevitably,
the evening would be ruined. The last thing he
wanted to do after a long day at work was to deal
with problems the moment in walked in the door.
Although she understood this, she was so hurt
and angry about his long absences that she felt
her anger was justified. She wanted a suggestion from me about how to get her husband to be
more attentive and loving. She was at her wit’s
end.
I told her that I could completely understand
why she was frustrated and that, if I were in her
shoes, I would feel exactly the same way. However, I wondered if she could imagine how her
husband might feel about her nightly barrage of
complaints. “He probably wishes he didn’t have
to come home,” she said. “Precisely,” I thought
to myself, and I knew she was ready to switch
gears. I suggested that she try an experiment.
“Tonight when he comes home, surprise him with
an affectionate greeting. Don’t complain, just
tell him you’re happy to see him. Do something
kind or thoughtful that you haven’t done in a long
time…even if you don’t feel like it.” “You mean
like fixing him his favorite meal or giving him a
warm hug? I used to do that a lot.” “That’s exactly
what I mean,” I told her, and we discussed other
things she might do as well. She agreed to give it
a try.
Two weeks later she returned to my office and
told me about the results of her “experiment.”
“That first night after I talked with you I met him
at the door and, without a word, gave him a huge
hug. He looked astounded, but curious. I made
him his favorite pasta dish, which was heavy on
the garlic, so he smelled the aroma the moment
he walked in. Immediately, he commented on
it and looked pleased. We had a great evening
together, the first in months. I was so pleased
and surprised by his positive reaction that I felt
motivated to keep being ‘the new me.’ Since then
things between us have been so much better, it’s
amazing. He’s come home earlier and he’s even
calling me from work just to say hello. I can’t believe the change in him. I’m so much happier this
way.”
The moral of this story is obvious. When one
partner changes, the other partner changes too.
It’s a law of relationships. If you aren’t getting
what you need or want from your loved one, instead of trying to convince him or her to change,
why not change your approach to the situation?
Why not be more pragmatic? If what you’re doing
(talking to your partner about the error of his/her
ways) hasn’t been working, no matter how sterling your logic, you’re not going to get very far.
Be more flexible and creative. Be more strategic.
Spend more time trying to figure out what might
work as opposed to being hell bent on driving
your point home. You might be pleasantly surprised.
Insanity has been defined as doing the same
old thing over and over and
expecting different
results.
2002 Copyright - Michele Weiner-Davis
34
7 Ideas to Rebuild Your Life
2. Focus
Recovery from divorce or separation takes time,
and work and a few other things. A broken relationship is like a boat with a broken rudder; you
are crippled and out of control, and you may end
up on the rocks. In time you will recover.
It’s tough in the middle of storm and the boat is
sinking.
1. Desire
In my day to day dealings with clients and visitors I am sometimes reminded that not all people
feel that divorce or separation is a defeat. Often
it is seen as a reason to celebrate. However,
for most of us it is not a
happy event. To begin
your recovery or your
building process you must
have want or desire to do
it. Here is what I suggest
you do right now to start
feeling good about yourself.
Make a quick list, point by
point; because writing creates feelings, and feelings
create action.
Begin with a single bold
statement like “I wanna
move on”. Interestingly
other ideas or desires automatically unfold. Write
‘em all down, in any order, forget the speling, just
write.Then refine your statement with specific
details
“I desire ownership, without debt, of a 45 foot
Swan, cutter rigged, cruise equipped, and in the
water by the end of August 2014”. I am very clear
with my desire so it is easier for me to stay focused.
We all have things that get in the way of what we
want. We all have good days and bad days. We
all have other things that cry for our attention. We
all have handicaps. We all have side trips. In the
middle of your storm you can’t be all things to all
people, nor can you do ten things at once. That is
OK, providing you do something to retain your focus on the things or outcome that is really important. What would happen if after you have written
down your desires and you sense that your priorities are upside down?
3. Priorities
Do I reach for the bailing bucket or jump overboard? It is a
sinking feeling when we are
overtaken by really bad weather. For a lot of people with relationship problems their focus
is simply too narrow. I have
watched marriages disintegrate
because one spouse lived only
for money. Or for kids. Or for
toys. If your desire is to repair
a relationship or repair yourself
then you may need to focus and change your
priorities. It’s not all that easy to do everything, so
maybe you shouldn’t.
Change means adjustment and it may mean
giving up being super-mom or the club secretary.
It may simply mean getting some sleep. It may
mean going back to school, or quitting something.
Yes it may mean doing nothing. In bad weather
sailors often lash the wheel and confidently go
below to ride it out.
.
35
4. Passion
7. Wisdom
I love getting wet and banged about as much as
the quietness of a tropical lagoon.
Couples in a successful relationship share a
passion for that relationship. They are focused
and have their priorities reasonably ship-shape.
Passion does not necessarily mean night after
night high-energy sex. It is simply liking or loving what you do. When you find and follow your
passion then everything else just sorta falls into
place. It is the wise person who knows when to
switch jobs, and the same is true with relationships. Focus on your passion. No passion? Go
find one or make one or borrow one.
Running your boat onto a hard surface teaches
you not to run aground.
5. Work and More Work.
The reward of a safe passage is paid in the coin
of preparation and practice.
There are no shortcuts. None. It is not a gift or
luck. All successful people work very hard. Does
Tiger Woods bother with practice? Does Oprah
come into work everyday at 5 am? A commonality is that they love their work. To them it is
not work. Look at it this way. Good lovers know
they are good, and they always make an effort
to improve. So, does it not make perfect sense
to work just as hard at building or maintaining or
repairing yourself? Consider an investment. Talk
to a counsellor, a mentor, go on a date, talk to
your dog. Anything that works is OK.
6. Persistence
“Never!. Never!. Never, give up!” Churchill.
Think of the people who have conquered Everest, or people who have earned their degrees
or stripes or wreaths of laurel. Each has earned
their reward one step at a time. They did not quit.
Persistence pays rewards like no other quality.
OK, I see the hands. Yes, I said it is OK to quit
sometimes. That is true. Which brings us to one
more point.
We earn wisdom. We pay the price in the form of
wins, but mostly it comes from errors, mistakes,
missed orders, failed business and failed relationships. With experience, you’ll know when to
leave the ship. With experience, you’ll know not
to fear the storm, but to welcome the opportunity
it presents.
36
Chapter 1
When Lust and Love
Becomes Fight
and Flight
to sex, tends to take the lead and ask for sex
in his own way. A problem develops when he
is rejected six times in a row. He gives up. The
problem of course is that he may withdraw and a
standoff develops.
Divorce specialist, Colin Kennedy, firmly believes
that it is just too easy to walk away from a relationship that has gone south. This report examines our journey from love to flight and includes
practical help with the whole process.
Wouldn’t it be nice if you both agreed to an open
and sincere communication about sex, and about
money, and work, and kids, and having a date,
and holidays, sharing housework, and sharing
some private time for just the two of you? Why
not have a date without the kids?
In the beginning, you both try to impress the
other; there are numerous questions and answers and the great joy of discovery. Everything
is new and exciting; you are the envy of your
friends. You can’t wait until you see each other
again. You both make a commitment
and share hopes and dreams.
Hint. Persistently show that you like
each other to keep your relationship
fresh. Even something as simple as
complementing on your spouse’s
looks or buying little surprised gifts
can help. Look for the things that
would make your partner feel cherished.
Sex within the marriage is a good and comforting extension of your day to day intimacy. Both of
you have a duty to your partnership to maintain
open and honest communication. Marriage fails
for a multitude of reasons; this writer suggests
that the number one relationship killer is a failure
for couples to communicate openly.
Consider the man who says his wife will not initiate sex. Men have this need to feel they count;
they usually have a need for their spouse to take
the lead occasionally. How the female does it is
important because the male tends to misread
things. He tends not to get the subtle approach.
The male, who is usually dominate when it comes
An eroding relationship can be salvaged. If you
learn to communicate,it is a certainty that you can
save your marriage. If you both can not accept
that things are heading south, the erosion will
only get worse. Help comes in
the form of mediation and joint
marriage counseling. Counseling will only work if you
both sincerely want to make
adjustments and improvements. Help also comes in
the form of financial counseling because the number two
relationship killer is how you
make and handle your money.
Even before seeing your agreement a lawyer
may say your agreement will not stand up in court
unless it is created and signed by him/her. The
most common reason given is that the lawyer’s
job is to protect your rights and do what is best
for you, and without his/her help you may be at
risk. For more about what lawyers say about your
agreement please see Is the Agreement Legal
How to Escape Your Marriage
Going, going, gone. One of you has made the
decision to bail, but before you run to the divorce
court do yourself a major favour - do your preparation work. At this point, the marriage is done;
it is now a time to divide the spoils. This can be
a dangerous time. One partner may not accept
facts and it is better if you can resolve your own
issues with our sample separation agreement. All
is not totally lost if you can make a serious attempt to reconcile.
Accounting and evaluation of real property and
tax issues is suggested if you feel overwhelmed.
Do your homework by making an inventory of
property, gather tax information for both parties
and make an appointment with an accountant.
You can expect to pay about $200 for this onetime objective advice. It is a fraction of what a law
firm would charge for the same work.
Real property, including the matrimonial home
and the cottage can be an issue. The value of
the properties is calculated by subtracting what
is owed from the market value. Market value is
defined as what a willing buyer will pay today.
You can get a free market evaluation from any
Realtor. It’s his or her job; they know the market
and this evaluation is a free service.
Children are deeply affected by the split. Be open
with them and they will understand. Surprisingly
they will adapt. Unless they are very young, the
kids already are aware of the relationship difficulties and there is no sense hiding things from
them.
In every province, the court follows the Federal
Child Support Guidelines to determine who pays
what to whom. It does not matter if you are separated or divorced, the guidelines apply. You can
read the guidelines here. You may also download
my free book about child custody and support.
37
Lawyers and your money go hand in hand.
Traditionally couples would seek legal help
from a local lawyer, but divorce law has
changed so that it is possible to get divorced
without a lawyer.
Alternatively, you can beat the high cost of
your divorce by making a serious attempt to
reach an agreement by using the free separation agreement. Get the property and child issues resolved first; then the divorce becomes
easier and less stressful.
Recovery can take time. Divorce is the legal
end of your marriage. Not all people see it
as a failure; some see it as a learning experience and they gain a boatload of wisdom.
They have the benefit of their experience and
learn to accept the reality. Traditionally, females have a tougher time adjusting, but it is
not impossible if you face your new life with
a distinctively healthy attitude. Things will get
better. That’s a promise.
38
The Final Word
I don’t think there will be a final word.
The first chapter was about the basics of separation and divorce. It covered the
rules and concepts.
The second chapter was about money. If you are making a change, be sure to read
25 Ways.
The third chapter was about relationships and things that can imporve your life.
Chapter 3 is not the last, but the begining...
When you hire me to prepare your legal package your divorce goes smoothly and
quickly. You hand over your completed documents knowing that your papers are
correct and in accordance with the Divorce Act and the Child Support Guidelines.
The fee to prepare your legal documents and guide you through the system is a
modest $249. There are no hidden fees, no taxes, no handling fees, no shipping
charges
Send your on-line application, it will take only 2 minutes
You may send me an e-mail to: [email protected]
You may visit the web site where you will discover more aritcles.
You may pass on this book to your friends and foes alike.