1. travel

Chapter 13
Five Keys to Better Writing:
How to Choose the Right Words
“I never write metropolis for seven cents because I can get
the same price for city. I never write policeman because
I can get the same money for cop.”
— Mark Twain

U
ntil now, you’ve been learning about the big-picture part of travel writing.
That’s not to say you’ve been denied specifics. On the contrary, we’ve
talked about...
33What you need — and don’t need — to be a travel writer
33The importance of knowing your audience
33Sample templates for successful travel stories — sure-fire patterns you
can follow to write successful articles every time
33How you appeal to your reader on an emotional level — and why that
appeal will make your story stronger
33How to come up with the kinds of well-targeted article ideas that sell
33The best ways to interview people so you uncover the most useful information out there
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33Guidance for doing effective research that produces the kinds of information that gives your stories depth
But even with all that material under your belt, and even if you apply everything you’ve learned just right, you’ll still be at a disadvantage if your writing
— not your ideas, not your angle, but the words you choose and the sentences
you write — is not as strong as it can be.
That’s what we’ll focus on in this chapter and the next. You’re going to learn, in
total, 10 keys to good writing. Apply these lessons to every word you choose,
every sentence you write, every paragraph you create... and you can be sure
that your writing will be efficient, your ideas will be clear, and editors will be
eager to buy your stories.
In fact, these keys to good writing apply not just to travel writing, but to every
type of writing — whether you’re composing a letter of complaint to your bank
or a thank-you note to somebody you’ve interviewed.
Apply these lessons to
every word you choose,
every sentence you
write, every paragraph
you create... and you
can be sure that your
writing will be efficient,
your ideas will be clear,
and editors will be eager
to buy your stories.
They separate an adequate writer from a
superior one.
Now, I should say up front, these are probably not the 10 things your sixth-grade English teacher would choose as the world’s
most important grammar rules. But you’re
not here to hone your grammar skills. If
you think you need a lesson in subject-verb
agreement or in what, exactly, adjectives and
adverbs modify, then go to a bookstore or to
Amazon.com and buy a grammar text. In my
view, that’s not what’s most important for
you at this stage.
In the next two chapters, we’re going to focus on 10 specific ways you can
make yourself better understood when you write. Because when you do that
— and what you have to say is immediately clear — your reader is drawn to
your story and not distracted by the way you’re telling it.
You see, the truth is, you may have wonderful ideas, experiences, and advice
to share with your readers... but if your writing is not clear and direct, you
obscure all that substantive material... and you lose your reader. Not good.
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I like to think of it this way: No well-intentioned gardener greets the spring by
saying, “I think I’ll plant a nice bed of flowers this year and then ignore the
plants entirely. I figure if I do that, by mid-summer the place will be a mess
and no passerby will even notice that I spent hours upon hours considering the
relative height and color of each variety of flower, examining the bed for sunlight and shade, carefully planning out where each flower should go, digging
the holes, mixing the fertilizer, and planting the seeds and bulbs.”
Yet, by mid-summer, if you peek through the back fences of homes across
America, you’ll find innumerable gardens left to wild, where the weeds have
begun to overtake the plants. The brown blossoms of tired flowers hang limp
on the stalks. In a garden like that, it’s nearly impossible to see the gems —
the day lilies, hyacinths, petunias, marigolds, and poppies. All you see is the
mess.
And, so, you move on to the next yard. Why linger when you could continue
down the street to where Mrs. Snyder has kept up her beds and the tall iris
plants along the fence provide a purple backdrop for yellow daffodils and pink
petunias?
And so it is with writing. Just as an attentive gardener clears away the weeds
and dead growth from his flowerbed, trims the leaves, and clips off the dead
blossoms... you must also clear the excess words, the useless comments, the
convoluted constructions from your sentences.
If you don’t, it does not matter how much time
and energy you may have spent planning your article, researching your topic, and organizing your
thoughts. It will all be obscured by the weeds and
dead growth that cling to your writing... and your
reader, like the passerby at the back fence, will
move on to somebody else’s story.
Now, I cannot take credit for coming up with
these keys to good writing all by myself. I’ve
picked up ideas throughout the years from other
editors and writers and from various books. In
particular, I recommend you keep these few volumes on your shelf:
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1. On Writing Well by William Zinsser
2. Words Fail Me by Patricia T. O’Conner
3. The Elements of Style by William Strunk, Jr. and E.B.
White
Below, you’ll find the first five keys to good writing. After each, I’ve included
examples to illustrate that point and exercises for you to complete. At the end
of the lesson, you’ll find an answer key with a set of corrected exercises.
Key #1: Don’t Waste Your Verbs
The verb “to be” is one of the weakest verbs in the English language. For stronger, more descriptive sentences, replace “to be”
with verbs that do more.
Eliminate “to be,” and your writing becomes more vibrant, more interesting,
and more persuasive.
The owner was in the doorway at the back of the bar.
leaned
The owner was ^ in the doorway at the back of the bar.
Similarly, the verb “to have” doesn’t gain you much ground. Try to eliminate it
as well, and you’ll find your sentences are more economical and more active.
A storm is brewing over banking-privacy laws, and it could have
significant impact on Caribbean economies in the year to come.
A storm is brewing over banking-privacy laws, and it could have
significantly impact on Caribbean economies in the year to come.
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Choose verbs that describe an action and offer a visual image. Don’t say
“went” when you can say “lumbered.” Don’t say “take” when you can say
“confiscated.”
Use Power Verbs to Energize Your Writing
Before you rush off to cast out all the weak verbs in that last article you wrote,
take a moment to read the three short passages I’ve included below.
These sentences are downright inspired. You, too, can write like this. The secret, remember, is in the verbs.
“Unlike the big gun behemoths that slugged it out with Japanese warships during World War II or belched Volkswagen-sized shells during the Korean War, the
Navy’s newest dreadnought would lurk safely off a hostile shore partly submerged to avoid detection and rain 500 or more precision guided missiles on
enemy tanks, advancing troops or other targets.”
— New York Times, September 3, 1995, p. Y 11
“Night came on. The music, blaring from competing cassette players, reached
distorted levels. Several people started dancing in the aisles, their sinuous arms
swirling in the cloud of blue smoke. The ferromozas played matchmaker, pulling the foreigners to their feet and handing them over to dancing girls. One of
the Englishmen, giddy with the sensuality of the moment, tumbled mid-merengue into the arms of an olive-eyed Cubana, while the ferromozas cheered and
clapped.”
— “A Cup of Cuban Coffee,” The Best American Travel Writing 2003, p. 25.
“It was, as they say in these parts, something of a ‘stout day.’ The sun shone in all
its glory, but the wind blew fierce, the swells rolled high, and the Osprey was not
so much slicing through the waves as roller-coastering over them with considerable splash and spray. Most of the 40 or so passengers, including a man with a
fidgety rooster (its legs and beak were bound with cord) and another man with
three big wax-board cartons filled with cheep-cheeping baby chicks, were hunkered down in the air-conditioned main cabin, where a goodly number of folks
were already drinking Guinness. It was, after all, eight o’clock in the morning.”
— “Chasing Chicks... and other true tales of ferry-hopping in the southern Caribbean,” Islands, July/August 2003, p. 42.
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The fisherman was sitting on the edge of his boat as he looked at the
water for fish.
slouched
scanned
The fisherman was sitting ^ on the edge of his boat as he looked at ^
the water for fish.
In this paragraph, for example, written by M. Timothy O’Keefe in a story
about whale watching in the Dominican Republic (Caribbean Travel & Life,
November 2000, page 50), the verbs are strong:
When Victoria II drifts within 20 to 30 yards of a large adult, I’m close
enough to start counting the fleshy tubercles (knobs) on the whale’s
massive head, which comprise more than one-third of a humpback’s body.
Up close, I can also easily distinguish its coloration: black on top and
white on the bottom.
And here in this paragraph written by Kenneth Brower in an article 13 about
his travels in Thailand, titled “Search for the Perfect Beach,” (Islands, December 2000, page 82), he doesn’t simply say, “I was at some kickboxing
matches, a butterfly farm, and a tropical zoo.” Instead, he chooses verbs that
are much more active and descriptive:
I did as the master advised. I took in some excellent Thai kickboxing
matches. I attended several of the island’s monkey shows, in which
trained macaques climbed trees to harvest coconuts. I visited a Butterfly
Farm, the Tropical Zoo, the Mummified Monk, the Snake Farm. In one
Snake Farm show, a Thai girl danced while draped with scorpions —
all the while holding several in her mouth; in another, young Thai men
outquicked cobras. The master of ceremonies orated first in Thai and then
in incomprehensible English. He threw in the occasional groan and gasp
and death rattle, conveying, to great effect, the terror of the snakebitten.
Mark Twain would have recognized this man and liked him.
Below are eight sentences that need improving. The verbs are weak. But as
you fix them, you’ll begin to get a sense for how much better a sentence with
an active, descriptive verb really is.
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Practice 1: Don’t Waste Your Verbs
Improve these eight sentences. Eliminate “to be” and “to have” and
replace them with stronger, more descriptive verbs:
1. The woman was in the kitchen waiting for the pie to cook.
2. The woman’s well-tended garden has lilies, hollyhocks, and tulips in bloom.
3. The ports of call and the days of sailing are on a sign or blackboard at the
gangway.
4. The 20th century is represented by murals
of workers, photorealist still-lifes, and neoprimitivist paintings.
5. The beach itself went left and right for more
than a mile, continuing into the elongated
curve of a bay that faced toward the neighboring island.
6. The sun goes in and out of the clouds that
are close and huge like spaceships.
Eliminate “to be”
and “to have” where
you can, and you’ll
find that immediately
your writing is tighter,
more descriptive, and
more effective.
7. After our hike, we sat in the coconut grove beside Kahana Stream and saw
three local boys in a rickety rowboat trying for fish with the determination,
if not the sophistication, of their ancestors.
8. On-board these mid-sized ships, passengers eat fine cuisine, get Greek
hospitality, and have access to fascinating lecture series featuring experts on
art, architecture, history, and more.
Now that you’ve worked through those sentences (remember, you’ll find an
answer key at the end of this chapter), rework something you’ve written. Simply go back through an article — or even a paragraph — sentence by sentence,
and check to see that your verbs are as strong as they can be. Eliminate “to be”
and “to have” where you can, and you’ll find that immediately your writing is
tighter, more descriptive, and more effective.
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Key #2: Write to Express Rather than to
Impress
Always choose words that make reading easy for your reader. As a
rule, choose words that are:
ƒƒShort
ƒƒSpecific
ƒƒCommon
You want to make it as easy as possible for your reader to understand your
meaning. Don’t let him get tangled up in your language. Instead, choose the
words you’d use if you were speaking to your reader. Write the way you talk.
1. Shorter words are better.
Instead of...
assemble
domesticate
happenstance
Use...
meet
tame
fate
2. Specific words are better.
Instead of...
greenery
large
gem
Use...
fern
329-pound
diamond
3. Common words are better.
Instead of...
automobile
criminal
dispatch
Use...
car
crook
send
This lead paragraph from Smart Vacations, a book edited by Pricilla Tovey at
the Council on International Educational Exchange (St. Martin’s Press, New
York, 1993) does this well. The word choice here is careful and the writing
direct.
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More than ever before, Americans are looking for vacations that don’t
involve merely lying on a beach or jumping on a bus tour that takes them
to five cities in five days. In addition to basking in the sun or seeing the
sights, they want to learn something new on their travels. Vacations with
a special focus — whether it be studying Polish history in Warsaw, architecture in London, conservation ecology in Tanzania, or sea turtles on the
coast of Mexico — provide that type of stimulation.
Steve Kemper opens his article about Bolivia’s Madidi National Park (National
Geographic, March 2000, page 6) with a paragraph that draws you in and leaves
you aching for more. Not only are his descriptions strong, but his word-choice is
brilliant. He uses short, specific, common words to paint a vivid picture.
At Cargadero we lost a horse to a jaguar. At Mojos we lost another to
a venomous snake. By that point one of our mules had a botfly maggot wriggling in its chest, and the neck of another was caked with dried
blood from the bite of a vampire bat. We humans had been much luckier
— a bit of altitude sickness in the Andes, minor gashes and bruises from
slips on rocky trails, bites from throngs of ticks, flies, and mosquitoes.
But compensation was all around us: breathtaking landscapes, abundant
birdlife, utter wildness as far as the eye could travel.
In stark contrast to the paragraphs you’ve just read, the sentences in the exercise
below use words that are too long, general, and obscure. Start getting into the
habit of choosing each of your words carefully by fixing these sentences here:
Practice 2: Write to Express Rather than to
Impress
Below are eight sentences you can improve by replacing long
words with shorter ones, general words with specifics, and obscure words
with more common ones. Remember, write the way you speak.
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1. At one point, everyone who participated in my trip spontaneously slipped
into the bay to better experience this unique situation.
2. The boat usually leaves Oban at an extremely anti-socially early hour.
3. Tiree is usually thought of as flat, but it isn’t strictly true — there’s high
ground, but not that high!
4. The Palmetto Bay Plantation comprises 109 acres on a pristine one-mile
white sand beach with great water activities.
5. The Oyster House is delightful, and the food tasty — weekdays from 2 to 5
p.m. is an all-you-can-eat fish fry, with no hesitancy on refills.
6. All encounters for divers or snorkelers will be the dolphins’ own initiative
— there is no feeding to lure the mammals near the humans for interaction.
7. Physicians are at your disposal at the medical center only a few hundred
yards from the Hilton and Sheraton Hotels — and the doctors speak fluent
English, and other languages can also be covered upon request.
8. Following are less-known, highly recommended activities which allow a
glimpse of Spain as it truly is.
Again, just as you returned to a piece you’d written earlier to strengthen the
verbs in each sentence, now go back to that same piece and check each sentence to see that you’ve chosen words that are short, specific, and common.
Let me be clear here: I don’t mean to suggest that you write at a second-grade
level. The two sample paragraphs I included above — the one about vacations
with a purpose and the other on Bolivia — are sophisticated. But sophisticated, as you can plainly read, is not the same as obfuscated (or, I should say,
confusing).
Choose words, as those two authors did, that do not distract your reader. You
want him to keep moving forward, one sentence at a time. If you’ve got all
sorts of high-falutin’ words getting in the way of what it is you want to say,
the reader will move on all right — not to your next sentence, but to another
article.
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Key #3: Use Fewer Words
You should never use more words than you
absolutely need to.
Simply put: Use fewer words. You may have a lot to say. Fine. Say it in more
than one sentence.
Short sentences keep your copy moving forward. When your sentences are
too long, your reader gets bogged down in the language and confused by what
you’re trying to say.
Your job is to make it easy for a reader. You do that by trimming words.
This sentence is too long:
Gold has been worked for centuries in the Veneto region of Italy and the
production keeps going in many tiny factories set in unexpected places. (25
words)
The trimmed version is better:
For centuries, locals have been working gold in Italy’s Veneto region, and
production continues today in tiny, scattered factories. (19 words)
This sentence is too long:
Come Easter, perhaps the largest holiday here in our country, hundreds
of city dwellers from Nassau and Freeport take the weekend off and rent
accommodations on the out islands, those other than Nassau and Grand
Bahama, and gather there for a weekend or four days of enjoyment and the
celebration of Easter. (52 words)
The trimmed version, which uses fewer words and divides the information
into more than one sentence, is clearer:
Easter is the most-celebrated holiday in our country. Hundreds of city
dwellers from Nassau and Freeport take the weekend off and rent homes
or hotel rooms on the out islands. They gather there for up to four days to
celebrate. (41 words, 3 sentences)
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This advice about finding hotels when you travel appears in Smart Vacations,
compiled by the Council on International Educational Exchange (St. Martin’s
Press, 1993). As you’ll see, the sentences are short and clear:
A wide range of hotels is available in nearly all destinations around the
world. Travel guidebooks are one of the best sources of information on
hotels. Even if you don’t use the recommendations of a guidebook, you
will at least gain an idea in advance of how much you will have to spend.
Similarly, this excerpt from Erla Zwingle’s story “Boston’s North End” (National Geographic, October 2000, page 55) contains no excess words. The
writing is purposeful and clean:
It isn’t even six o’clock yet, but Freddy Parziale is already seated majestically on his folding chair in the corner, supervising the distribution of
bread just coming out of the ovens. Carefully counted, hundreds of the
long, crusty “bastonas” in their paper grocery bags are ready to be taken
to a good number of neighborhood restaurants. Freddy, graying, heavy
jowled, wreathed in Benson & Hedges best smoke, is watching everything.
Learning to cut your own writing is tough. After all, you’ve pained over the
words. And once you’ve created something, something you’re close to, it’s
often difficult to decide what can go and what must stay. With practice, you’ll
perfect the habit.
But, for the time being, let’s start with these eight sentences below — sentences
you did not write. Cumbersome and awkward, they all need improving.
By the way, these sentences — as most of those you’ve seen in the exercises
so far — come from articles writers have sent me over the years. I’ve taken
the time to rework a handful of these articles — trimming, rewriting, and
eventually publishing them. But the majority never made it into print. It’s not
that what these writers had to say was so useless, it was simply that the writing itself — the word choice and the sentence length — made the articles
impossible for me to slog through.
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Instead, I moved on to publish pieces by writers whose material arrived on my
desk in good form. That’s why these lessons are so important for you to learn:
because if you don’t, you’ll invariably find editors dropping your articles into
the “rejection-letter” pile. (Or, perhaps worse, keeping them around as examples of bad writing...)
Practice 3: Use Fewer Words
In the following, trim unnecessary words and break up long sentences:
1. Bonaire’s rank among the world’s best tropical dive locations is assured.
2. The loud reggae and calypso, along with the pop and other forms of world
music, blast through the atmosphere all day for the purpose of lighting up
the town and awakening the local towns folk from their usual quiet, sometimes dreary days.
3. Beyond the busy streets and roads of Bangkok, an intimate glance of 13
how life was 200 years ago can still be found today on the back canals that
snake their way off the wide Chao Praya River.
4. The contrast of these primitive, gruesome carved figures suffering agonizing tortures in appalling detail, with amplified loudspeakers blaring in the
sing-song Thai language, describing the horrors of hideous
figures, jars the western mind and appears grotesque and
carnival-like.
5. As we walked in, the mouth-watering aroma aroused my
hunger pangs
6. The highest standard gauge railway in the world, running
from Peru’s capital city, Lima, to Huancayo, an important
market town in central Peru, is once again operating,
albeit on a reduced schedule.
7. For unconditional shoppers with an artistic taste or if
you just love crystal and glass objects such as lamps
and vases, consider the option offered in Nancy,
France, at the heart of the Lorraine region.
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8. Three hours drive north of Cairns, the road narrows to a windy 4WD track,
but before doing that it passes by Cape Tribulation, a forest covered promontory that juts out into the Coral Sea and is lined by white sandy beaches,
melaleuca trees, and coconut palms.
Now that you’ve tackled those sentences, return to that same piece of your
own writing you’ve been working with through Keys #1 and #2. Apply this
latest idea (Key #3) to each sentence. Cut any unnecessary words and divide
long sentences into more than one sentence.
Key #4: Express One Idea in One Sentence
When you include too many ideas in one sentence, you dilute the
impact of the sentence. Your reader will give your ideas more attention when you make those ideas accessible.
To do that, limit your ideas to one per sentence.
This confusing sentence contains more than one idea:
Spring or fall weddings are in abundance on Saturday afternoons:
Wander the streets and observe crowds dressed in stunning, celebratory
attire.
This version is better:
In the spring and fall, weddings are common on Saturday afternoons.
You can wander the street and see crowds in celebratory dress.
This sentence rambles on and contains more than one idea:
Located close to Manuel Antonio National Park in Costa Rica, the
smallest but most often visited park because of the combination of
lowland rainforest that embraces white sand beaches, Makanda by the
Sea is a luxurious adult resort.
This better version has one idea per sentence:
Makanda by the Sea is a luxurious adult resort. It sits close to Manuel
Antonio National Park. The park is the smallest in Costa Rica. However,
its diversity attracts more visitors than any other. It’s the place where
lowland rainforests meet white sand beaches.
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In this paragraph, taken from an article by Natalia de Cuba Romero about Grand
Cayman (Caribbean Travel & Life, November 2000, page 60), the writer is careful to include only one idea per sentence. As a result, the writing is easy to understand, and the sentences seem to flow easily from one to the next:
Their eye-catching gardens actually stand tall as a great cultural symbol.
The West African slaves brought to Grand Cayman had lived in villages
in which the houses surrounded a central compound. They smoothed the
dirt and neatly separated workspaces from animal pens and fruit trees.
And in this piece as well, the lead paragraph from an article on family reunions written by Mary Brophy Marcus (National Geographic Traveler, November/December 2000, page 120), each sentence contains only one idea:
The words “family reunion” may conjure up images of grannies sitting on 13 folding chairs while beer-bellied uncles flip burgers and load
plates with potato salad. But when kin gather to catch up these days, it’s
more likely you’ll find them dining at an elegant resort or lined up for
massages at a remote spa. According to Reunions magazine, there are
now about 200,000 such get-togethers every year in the U.S.
In sharp contrast, below are some sentences that ramble on, including more
than one idea each. Read through each one to first decide how many ideas
there are and then rework the information so that you include only one idea
per sentence.
Practice 4: Express One Idea in One Sentence
Turn these long, confusing sentences into shorter ones that express
one idea each:
1. Homecomings are similar to family reunions however they are much more
grand, more fun, and generally more exciting because of the variety of characters escaping the societies of the cityscape, environments which are much
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more dense in population and also more refined in culture than some of the
harsh natural habitats of the truly native Eleutherian.
2. Although you can’t possibly try all of the rich Hungarian specialties if you
are in Budapest for only a short visit (or even a long one), some of the best
dishes to try are: fisherman’s soup, breaded carp Orly style, veal paprikas,
and hagymás rostélyos.
3. The site of this year’s Mayoral beer tapping, Schottenhamel drew the largest crowds, composed primarily of young students, up to the point where
the doors were literally pushed down and revelers attempted to get in from
the windows.
4. Businesses in Jeddah are still booming and busting as usual nowadays —
just as I thought, the opening of Toys R Us last year finally caused the more
expensive Hamley’s to close down (and good riddance!).
5. An interpretative boardwalk at Cape Tribulation Beach offers an insight into
the unique ecology of the area, and several boats leave from the beach each
morning to take visitors out for a day on the reef — either snorkeling, diving, swimming, or just sunning.
6. The renowned Del Webb lifestyle offers plenty of social and
recreational ways for you to
make new friends and put more
bounce in your step at our new
state-of-the-art fitness center.
You may feel there is little left
of your original draft. That’s
okay... it means you’ve honestly
been applying these keys to
good writing. It also means that
you’re improving your article
with each revision.
7. Whitewater rafting trips can
pack about as much experience
into a single day as any traveler
could hope for, but every rafter’s boundaries will be stretched to the limit on Costa Rica’s Rio Pacuare
— a rollicking thrill ride that leaps out of its blocks in the Talamanca mountain range and sprints 60 miles eastward to its finish line at the Caribbean
Sea, north of Puerto Limon.
8. Normally, the first lady is the president’s wife, but Vincente Fox, the president-elect, is divorced, so the role of first lady will probably be fulfilled by
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Ana Cristina Fox, the eldest of his four adopted children and currently a law
student at the Ibero-American University, she is just 20 years in age.
Again, return to your own piece of writing that you’ve been working 13 with
and read through it to make sure that each of your sentences expresses only
one idea. By now, you may feel there is little left of your original draft. That’s
okay... it means you’ve honestly been applying these keys to good writing. It
also means that you’re improving your article with each revision.
Key #5: Say What You Mean
Say something with every sentence you write. Don’t pad your
copy with high-minded “filler” or tiptoe around an issue by weaving
a complicated web of words. Instead, get to the point!
But before you can do that... you’ve got to know what your point is.
1. Figure out what you really mean to say.
2. Say what you mean to say.
The meaning here is fuzzy:
The Four Seasons has a project underway on Fiji’s Coral Coast and more
“freehold” land is starting to surface as the old planter families see the
opportunity.
What did the writer really mean to say?
1. The Four Seasons has started building a hotel on Fiji’s Coral Coast.
2. Old plantation families, seeing that project, are beginning to understand the
potential for profit in selling or developing their own land.
3. More of their land is coming up for sale on the market.
This version is better:
The Four Seasons has started building a hotel on Fiji’s Coral Coast. The
old plantation families, seeing that project underway, are beginning to
understand the potential profit in selling their own properties to foreign
investors. As a result, more “freehold” land is coming onto the market
than ever before.
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Here’s another example in which the meaning is unclear:
Islands expropriated by a newly elected government or suddenly
finding restrictions to foreign ownership can be avoided fairly easily if
dealt with in advance.
What does the writer really mean to say?
1. Some problems with buying islands in foreign countries include:
ƒƒa newly elected government expropriating your island
ƒƒnew restrictions to foreign ownership
2. But these problems are avoided if you deal with them in advance.
This version is better:
If you buy in a foreign country, you may encounter problems. A
newly elected government could expropriate your property or institute
restrictions on foreign ownership. But these problems are fairly easy to
avoid if you deal with them in advance.
Successful writers do this well. They not only choose their words carefully,
but they also make sure that those words clearly express the ideas they mean
to get across. In Jack McClintock’s article about a gigantic archaeological
puzzle in South America, “The Nasca Lines Solution” (Discover, December
2000, page 76), he writes:
The Nasca region is one of the driest places on Earth. Sandwiched between the
high Andes and the Pacific Ocean, the area receives at most one inch of rain a
year, less than the Gobi and Arabian deserts and Death Valley. The Andes block
rain-bearing winds from the Amazon Basin, and the Nasca and Ingenio rivers that
cut across the narrow strip of coastal land carry precious little water from the
mountains onto the pampa. The arid wasteland is mostly devoid of even sparse
desert vegetation and looks as lifeless as the surface of the moon.
In his article, “Beijing: New face for the ancient capital” (National Geographic,
March 2000), writer Todd Carrel is careful to create sentences that are clear
and come directly to the point. He says exactly what he means to say, in as few
words as possible. The article begins:
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Two young women giggled under their white straw hats as they emerged from
the Beijing Railway Station. Strolling arm in arm, they passed rooftops where an
obelisk with competing messages displayed on each side marked the way.
“March ahead along the road of building socialism with Chinese characteristics,”
said one sign in Chinese script. “Descendants of the dragon use the Dragon Card,”
said another sign, urging consumers to use a new bank credit card. Both messages
seemed to be vying for market share in the minds of Beijing’s people.
You can do the same thing in your own writing. It’s simply a matter of deciding
what it is, exactly, that you want to say... and then paying extra attention to make
sure that you’ve really said it.
Be swift
Be Direct
R
A
E
L
C
e
B
Novice writers, I’ve found, often sit down to “compose” a piece. They look
upon it as a grave task. And so, with a certain solemnity, they begin to write.
They write long sentences that sound important. They work to give their compositions weight.
They are going about it all wrong. Don’t make those mistakes. You know better.
I’ll say it again: You must write the way you speak. Don’t be intimidated by a
blank screen or an empty page. Instead, organize your thoughts. Decide what
it is you want to say. And then say it. Use vibrant verbs... short, specific, common words... and sentences that are short and contain one idea each.
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Say what you mean to say without camouflaging your point in roundabout
writing. Do this, and your writing will be a joy to read.
The writers of the following sentences did not follow this advice. The eight
sentences below need your attention. Decide what it is the writer really meant
to say, and then rewrite the sentences so one idea is clear in each. You’ll need
to divide the longer selections into more than one sentence.
Practice 5: Say What You Mean
Rework these sentences so each delivers one clear idea:
1. The raw beauty of the Canadian Rockies draws attention year-round, summer being the most frequently visited season.
2. To swim with dolphins is better than meeting E.T. and they feel as soft as
wet velvet.
3. Sadly, butterflies are disappearing with numbers lower year after year due
to loss of habitat.
4. It might be a good idea to accommodate the gastronomic urge prior to entering a beer tent in the afternoon.
5. Once the “rough” part of town, it’s now the place to be from youths searching for dancing to yuppies supping at the finest restaurants in town.
6. The point is that this is homecoming, a time when the native population of
the Bahamas return home and for one weekend live out their dream of once
and in the future being able to come home to their native island and build
a home, thus contributing to the local, native slowly developing economy
whatever they can to facilitate the growth of the local economy and job
scene, thus avoiding the need for relocation once a citizen of the island
needs work and education.
7. Through trial and error of dealing with many air carriers and the highs and
lows of ticket prices, I finally arrived at the conclusion that for the average
traveler an air trip is just the necessity of getting somewhere else.
8. You find a lot of aspects that set this place apart from its neighbors, yet,
surprisingly the prices are moderately expensive.
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One last time, take out the article or
paragraph that you’ve been working
with and check each sentence against
this newest key. Have you really said
what you meant to say? Have you
said it the way you’d speak it? If not,
revise one more time.
Revise, revise, revise. Keep
these keys on a checklist,
and each time you write
something, go back through
it and make sure you’ve
done each task properly.
Soon you’ll find that it all
becomes second nature.
Each of these five keys to good writing should become a habit for you.
And the only way to make that happen is to revise, revise, revise. Keep
these keys on a checklist, and each time you write something, go back through
it and make sure you’ve done each task properly. Soon you’ll find that it all
becomes second nature.
That is not to say that one day you’ll be through with revision altogether... that
you’ll simply sit down and write the perfect article. The truth is, even the most
experienced writers revise and rework their copy. But with time, the task will
become progressively less radical... and even less painful.
Answer Key for Practice 1: Don’t Waste Your Verbs
1. The woman was in the kitchen waiting for the pie to cook.
The woman waited in the kitchen for the pie to bake.
2. The woman’s well-tended garden has lilies, hollyhocks, and tulips in bloom.
The woman’s well-tended garden boasts lilies, hollyhocks, and tulips in
bloom.
3. The ports of call and the days of sailing are on a sign or blackboard at the
gangway.
The ports of call and the days of sailing are posted on a sign or blackboard
at the gangway.
OR...
A shipmate posts the ports of call and the days of sailing on a sign or blackboard at the gangway.
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4. The 20th century is represented by murals of workers, photorealist stilllifes, and neo-primitivist paintings.
Murals of workers, photorealist still-lifes, and neo-primitivist paintings
represent the 20th century.
5. The beach itself went left and right for more than a mile, continuing into the
elongated curve of a bay that faced toward the neighboring island.
The beach itself stretched left and right for more than a mile, unrolling into
the elongated curve of a bay that faced toward the neighboring island.
6. The sun goes in and out of the clouds that are close and huge like
spaceships.
The sun drifts in and out of clouds that hover close and huge like spaceships.
7. After our hike, we sat in the coconut grove beside Kahana Stream and saw
three local boys in a rickety rowboat trying for fish with the determination,
if not the sophistication, of their ancestors.
After our hike, we rested in the coconut grove beside Kahana Stream and
watched three local boys in a rickety rowboat casting for fish with the determination, if not the sophistication, of their ancestors.
8. On-board these mid-sized ships, passengers eat fine cuisine, get Greek
hospitality, and have access to fascinating lecture series featuring experts on
art, architecture, history, and more.
On-board these mid-sized ships, passengers savor fine cuisine, enjoy Greek
hospitality, and participate in fascinating lecture series featuring experts on
art, architecture, history, and more.
Answer Key for Practice 2: Write to Express Rather
than to Impress
1. At one point, everyone who participated in my trip spontaneously slipped
into the bay to better experience this unique situation.
At one point, we all slipped into the bay to feel the warm water on our skin
and the soft sand between our toes.
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2. The boat usually leaves Oban at an extremely anti-socially early hour.
The boat usually leaves Oban at 5:15 a.m.
3.Tiree is usually thought of as flat, but it isn’t strictly true — there’s high
ground, but not that high!
People think of Tiree as flat, though that is not strictly true — elevations
reach as high as 400 feet above sea level.
4. The Palmetto Bay Plantation comprises 109 acres on a pristine one-mile
white sand beach with great water activities.
The Palmetto Bay Plantation boasts 109 acres with a mile-long, white sand
beach where you can snorkel, fish, and dive.
5. The Oyster House is delightful, and the food tasty — weekdays from 2 to5
p.m. is an all-you-can-eat fish fry, with no hesitancy on refills.
Weekdays from 2 to 5 p.m. is an all-you-can-eat fish fry at The Oyster
House where the day’s catch — usually grouper and squid — will melt in
your mouth.
6. All encounters for divers or snorkelers will be the dolphins’ own initiative
— there is no feeding to lure the mammals near the humans for interaction.
Divers and snorkelers shouldn’t lure the dolphins with food. Instead, they
should be left to investigate the humans on their own.
7. Physicians are at your disposal at the medical center only a few hundred
yards from the Hilton and Sheraton Hotels — and the doctors speak fluent
English, and other languages can also be covered upon request.
You’ll find doctors who speak English and other languages available at
the medical center just a few hundred yards from the Hilton and Sheraton
Hotels.
8. Following are less-known, highly recommended activities which allow a
glimpse of Spain as it truly is.
For a taste of authentic Spain, I suggest you try these little-known activities.
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Answer Key for Practice 3: Use Fewer Words
1. Bonaire’s rank among the world’s best tropical dive locations is assured.
Bonaire is one of the world’s best tropical dive locations.
2. The loud reggae and calypso, along with the pop and other forms of world
music, blast through the atmosphere all day for the purpose of lighting up
the town and awakening the local townsfolk from their usual quiet, sometimes dreary days.
The community is usually quiet and peaceful. But during the festival loud
reggae, calypso, and pop music blasts all day, invigorating the townspeople.
3. Beyond the busy streets and roads of Bangkok, an intimate glance of how
life was 200 years ago can still be found today on the back canals that snake
their way off the wide Chao Praya River.
For an intimate glance at life 200 years ago, leave Bangkok’s busy streets
and turn to the back canals that snake their way off the wide Chao Praya
River.
4. The contrast of these primitive, gruesome carved figures suffering agonizing tortures in appalling detail, with amplified loudspeakers blaring in the
sing-song Thai language, describing the horrors of hideous figures, jars the
western mind and appears grotesque and carnival-like.
The primitive, carved figures seemed to suffer agonizing tortures. Recorded
commentary blared in Thai from loudspeakers, describing the horrors they
are said to have endured. The carnival-like scene jarred my western mind.
5. As we walked in, the mouth-watering aroma aroused my hunger pangs.
We walked in, and the aroma made me instantly hungry.
6. The highest standard gauge railway in the world, running from Peru’s capital city, Lima, to Huancayo, an important market town in central Peru, is
once again operating, albeit on a reduced schedule.
The highest standard-gauge railway in the world is open again, running on
a restricted schedule. It links Lima, Peru’s capital, to Huancayo, an important market town in the country’s central region.
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7. For unconditional shoppers with an artistic taste or if you just love crystal
and glass objects such as lamps and vases, consider the option offered in
Nancy, France, at the heart of the Lorraine region.
Whether you’re a shopper with artistic taste or simply love crystal and
glassware, you should head to Nancy in France’s Lorraine region.
8. Three hours drive north of Cairns, the road narrows to a windy 4WD track,
but before doing that it passes by Cape Tribulation, a forest covered promontory that juts out into the Coral Sea and is lined by white sandy beaches,
melaleuca trees and coconut palms.
Drive north of Cairns to Cape Tribulation, a forested promontory that juts
out into the Coral Sea. There, before the road narrows to a 4WD track,
you’ll find a coast lined with sandy beaches, melaleuca trees, and coconut
palms.
Answer Key for Practice 4: Express One Idea in
One Sentence
1. Homecomings are similar to family reunions however they are much more
grand, more fun, and generally more exciting because of the variety of characters escaping the societies of the cityscape, environments which are much
more dense in population and also more refined in culture than some of the
harsh natural habitats of the truly native Eleutherian.
Homecomings are like grand family reunions — but more fun and exciting. People escape the crowded cities to return to the wilds of their native
Eleuthera.
2. Although you can’t possibly try all of the rich Hungarian specialties if you
are in Budapest for only a short visit (or even a long one), some of the best
dishes to try are: fisherman’s soup, breaded carp Orly style, veal paprikas,
and hagymás rostélyos.
You can’t possibly sample all of the rich Hungarian specialties on a short
visit to Budapest. But be sure you try fisherman’s soup, breaded carp Orly
style, veal paprikas, and hagymás rostélyos.
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3. The site of this year’s Mayoral beer tapping, Schottenhamel drew the largest
crowds, composed primarily of young students, up to the point where the
doors were literally pushed down and revelers attempted to get in from the
windows.
The mayor tapped the beer in Schottenhamel this year, which drew the largest crowds. Young students were pushed up against doors and other revelers
tried climbing in the windows.
4. Businesses in Jeddah are still booming and busting as usual nowadays —
just as I thought, the opening of Toys R Us last year finally caused the more
expensive Hamley’s to close down (and good riddance!).
Businesses in Jeddah continue to boom and bust. The Toys R Us that
opened last year caused the more-expensive Hamley’s to close.
5. An interpretative boardwalk at Cape Tribulation Beach offers an insight into
the unique ecology of the area, and several boats leave from the beach each
morning to take visitors out for a day on the reef - either snorkeling, diving,
swimming or just sunning.
The interpretive boardwalk at Cape Tribulation Beach offers insights into
the area’s unique ecology. Several boats launch from there each morning to
take visitors to the reef to snorkel, dive, swim, or sun.
6. The renowned Del Webb lifestyle offers plenty of social and recreational
ways for you to make new friends, and put more bounce in your step at our
new state-of-the-art fitness center.
At Del Webb, you’ll make new friends through many social and recreational
activities. Plus, you can exercise at a new state-of-the-art fitness center.
7. Whitewater rafting trips can pack about as much experience into a single
day as any traveler could hope for, but every rafter’s boundaries will be
stretched to the limit on Costa Rica’s Rio Pacuare — a rollicking thrill ride
that leaps out of its blocks in the Talamanca mountain range and sprints
60 miles eastward to its finish line at the Caribbean Sea, north of Puerto
Limon.
Whitewater rafting trips can pack about as much experience into a single
day as any traveler could hope for. Costa Rica’s Rio Pacuare offers a rollicking thrill ride to test every rafter’s boundaries. This river leaps out of its
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blocks in the Talamanca mountain range and sprints 60 miles eastward to
its finish line at the Caribbean Sea, north of Puerto Limon.
8. Normally, the first lady is the president’s wife, but Vincente Fox, the president-elect, is divorced, so the role of first lady will probably be fulfilled by
Ana Cristina Fox, the eldest of his four adopted children and currently a law
student at the Ibero-American University, she is just 20 years in age.
Normally, the first lady is the president’s wife. But Vincente Fox, the president-elect, is divorced. So the role of first lady will probably be fulfilled by
Ana Cristina Fox, the eldest of his four adopted children. Twenty years old,
Ana is currently a law student at the Ibero-American University.
Answer Key for Practice 5: Say What You Mean
1. The raw beauty of the Canadian Rockies draws attention year-round, summer being the most frequently visited season.
The raw beauty of the Canadian Rockies draws attention year-round, but
most visitors come in the summer.
2. To swim with dolphins is better than meeting E.T. and they feel as soft as
wet velvet.
Swimming with dolphins — animals as soft as wet velvet — is better than
meeting E.T.
3. Sadly, butterflies are disappearing with numbers lower year after year due
to loss of habitat.
Butterflies are losing precious habitat and disappearing in greater numbers
each year.
4. It might be a good idea to accommodate the gastronomic urge prior to entering a beer tent in the afternoon.
You should eat before you head to the beer tent in the afternoon.
5. Once the “rough” part of town, it’s now the place to be from youths searching for dancing to yuppies supping at the finest restaurants in town.
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Once the “rough” part of town, it’s now the “place to be.”You’ll see young
people at clubs and yuppies dining at fine restaurants.
6. The point is that this is homecoming, a time when the native population of
the Bahamas return home and for one weekend live out their dream of once
and in the future being able to come home to their native island and build
a home, thus contributing to the local, native slowly developing economy
whatever they can to facilitate the growth of the local economy and job
scene, thus avoiding the need for relocation once a citizen of the island
needs work and education.
During “homecoming,” Bahamians return from the cities where they live
and work. It’s a time to renew their dreams of coming home permanently to
build a home and contribute to the local economy.
7. Through trial and error of dealing with many air carriers and the highs and
lows of ticket prices, I finally arrived at the conclusion that for the average
traveler an air trip is just the necessity of getting somewhere else.
Unfortunately, you have to fly to get from one place to another. Ticket prices
can be high. Flight times can be inconvenient. But, finally, that’s the price
you pay to get to these beautiful islands [or fill in any destination].
8. You find a lot of aspects that set this place apart from its neighbors, yet,
surprisingly the prices are moderately expensive.
The attentive service, unusual menu, and vast patio dining set this place
apart from its neighbors — yet, like them, it’s moderately priced.
And now it’s time for...
Exercise #11
Write a Descriptive Paragraph Taking Special Care to Apply these
First Five Keys to Good Writing
1. If you haven’t done so yet, compare your answers to the practice exercises
with those I’ve offered in the answer key. Be aware that my answers are
not the only possibilities. You may have come up with a rewritten sentence
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that is just as good as mine... maybe even better. But use my solutions as a
guide.
2. You’ve likely been hunched over a desk as you’ve worked through this
chapter, so we’ll take your next exercise outside. Sit on your front porch
or head down the street to a park or a café. Look for a scene you can describe — it could be anything from a natural setting... to the bustle of a busy
street... to the quiet interior of a coffee bar.
3. With the five keys you’ve learned in this chapter in mind, write a paragraph
that describes a scene you see. What, specifically, is going on? Remember
to note not just what you see, but also what you feel, taste, and hear. Pay
close attention to be sure you’re using:
ƒƒVibrant verbs
ƒƒWords that are short, specific, and common
ƒƒShort sentences
ƒƒSentences that express only one idea each
ƒƒSentences that say what you mean to say
4. Now revise that paragraph. Go through your checklist of the five keys
you’ve learned in this chapter and make sure you’ve applied each one as
well as possible. No matter how attentive you were when you first wrote
that paragraph... odds are, you can still improve it.
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