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DIVORCE
1O1
How to Protect
your Children from
the Div orce Industry
A Special Report for Fathers
by Danny Guspie
Executive Director
Fathers Resources International
IMPORTANT NOTICE: THE INFORMATION IN THIS REPORT IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE – it is only a guide for consideration.
It’s important to consult with a Family Law Lawyer or Attorney within your jurisdiction to discuss your situation and specific case in detail.
DIVORCE
1O1
How to Protect
your Children from
the Div orce Industry
Special Report for Fathers
by Danny Guspie
Executive Director
Fathers Resources International
IMPORTANT NOTICE: THE INFORMATION IN THIS REPORT IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE – it is only a guide for consideration.
It’s important to consult with a Family Law Lawyer or Attorney within your jurisdiction to discuss your situation and specific case in detail.
November 2007 – Copyright 2007
Danny Guspie – Executive Director – Fathers Resources International
DIVORCE
1O1
IMPORTANT NOTICE
The information contained within
this special report does not
constitute legal advice.
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT
TO SEEK LEGAL ADVICE
When you are separating or
considering a separation we highly
recommend that you contact and meet
with a Family Law Lawyer/Attorney
in your area/jurisdiction
3
IMPORTANT NOTICE: THE INFORMATION IN THIS REPORT IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE – it is only a guide for consideration.
It’s important to consult with a Family Law Lawyer or Attorney within your jurisdiction to discuss your situation and specific case in detail.
November 2007 – Copyright 2007
Danny Guspie – Executive Director – Fathers Resources International
DIVORCE
1O1
How to Protect
your Children from
the Div orce Industry
A Special Report for Fathers
by Danny Guspie
Executive Director Fathers Resources International
REPORT DESCRIPTION
A Step-by-Step Report for Separated or Divorced Dads and Fathers. Learn how to
"Wage Peace" to end separation and divorce conflict for the sake of your children.
Children need their parents even more when a family break up occurs and this report
can help fathers learn how to create win/win solutions that could help end the conflict.
AUTHOR
Danny Guspie, Executive Director Fathers Resources International,
Divorce Management Counselor and Divorce Coach
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Danny Guspie is Executive Director of Fathers Resources International,
a Divorce Management Counselor and Divorce Coach.
Danny Guspie is also the Executive Producer and Co-Host of a weekly
LIVE TeleSeminar for Divorced Dads called: www.DivorcedDadWeekly.com
PLUS Executive Producer and Co-Host of two (2) Podcasts for Divorced Dads:
Divorced Dad Minute Podcast located at this link: www.DivorcedDadMinute.com
DADcast – Divorced Dads Rights Podcast – Season 1 located at this link:
www.fathers-resources.com/DadCast/tabid/621/Default.aspx
NOTE: Both podcasts can be listened to and downloaded from www.iTunes.com
COPYRIGHT
November 2007 - Fathers Resources International
www.Fathers-Resources.com
4
IMPORTANT NOTICE: THE INFORMATION IN THIS REPORT IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE – it is only a guide for consideration.
It’s important to consult with a Family Law Lawyer or Attorney within your jurisdiction to discuss your situation and specific case in detail.
November 2007 – Copyright 2007
Danny Guspie – Executive Director – Fathers Resources International
DIVORCE
1O1
WHEN YOU’RE SEPA R AT I N G OR IN FA M I LY COURT
Wage Peace not War
WELCOME
And thank you for caring enough about your family to take the time to educate yourself!
The Divorce 101 program described in this report is the most effective method to ensure that “the
best interest of the child” is properly followed in your Family matter. YOU MUST first hold yourself
accountable to the principles described herein. It will be your own accountability that earns you
the right to hold Mom, her lawyer, custody assessors/evaluators, Family Court Judges, Appeal
Courts and Politicians accountable to the proper standard of accountability. The methods in this
report have been developed by adult-children-of-divorce from their own personal experience.
The Core Principle: WAGING PEACE
“Children don’t want their parents to fight with each other...”
The following phrase bears repeating to yourself every time your ex-wife, her lawyer,
the Judge, the mediator or anyone else who attempts to bait you or throw you off course:
“Be the man of peace you claim to be”
Every choice you make must flow from this core operating philosophy, because it represents the
highest standard – rather than seeking to blame others for the situation you now face. It won't be
easy. However, if you fall off the wagon, it's easy to get back on. You just have to do it, no matter
how many times you stumble. Over time it will become second nature and you become more
confident with who you are and what your role is in creating the problems that lead you here –
picking the wrong person to have a child with.
When parents fight – Children believe that it’s their fault – that’s Child Abuse!
Your child represents the very best of who you and your former spouse
are today and who you were. No matter how bad it gets. And it can get
bad. But with our help, you can transcend the mess you’re in (which you and your spouse have
created together) by learning how to take responsibility and action to create peaceful solutions.
T Remember
this Tip!
At very least, you must step up to the plate and do your bit, even if your spouse is refusing to
act with maturity, integrity, with an eye focused firmly on the best outcome for the children:
A functional family – even if it’s in two homes.
5
IMPORTANT NOTICE: THE INFORMATION IN THIS REPORT IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE – it is only a guide for consideration.
It’s important to consult with a Family Law Lawyer or Attorney within your jurisdiction to discuss your situation and specific case in detail.
November 2007 – Copyright 2007
Danny Guspie – Executive Director – Fathers Resources International
DIVORCE
1O1
Waging Peace is a core strategy
and standard of conduct for success in Family Court.
When you wage peace you are indicating that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to make
things work for your child, and it holds everyone else to the same standard of conduct.
Always ask anyone who deviates from this standard – why they will settle for less in
their expectation of parents, lawyers, and other professionals in Family Court.
99.9% of the time they won’t give you a reasonable answer.
AND THERE IN LIES THE OPPORTUNITY TO PROVE YOUR CASE...
The First Family Court Judge was the very wise King Solomon....
Does your Family Court Judge apply these standards?
Two women appear before wise King Solomon asking him to decide to whom a child should be
given. Solomon listens to their stories and asks for a sword. He says: "Cut the child in half and
give half to each woman," and thus revealed the true mother. The woman who said "no let the
child live," was awarded the child since she cared about the child’s life rather than winning.
The textbook analysis begins by considering the story's form:
1st
It moves from problem to solution, or we can see it as a story, which moves, from
quarreling and talk of death to unity and talk of life.
2n d
This can be analyzed as a detective story with Solomon being the lead detective.
Solomon hears their testimony and then makes the right call.
3rd
We are shown characters besides Solomon – two women identified only as harlots
or prostitutes. This makes them symbolic, since we know what kind of women
they are without elaboration, but it also shows how Solomon did not deny justice
to anyone.
4t h
We see symmetry in the story: it begins with a clearly defined situation, moves to
discussion of it, and concludes with Solomon wisely discerning the truth of the
situation through insight and a testing of the women's character.
Not that every Family Court Judge is this wise, however you must be.
T Remember
this Tip!
The principle is this: The real mother acted against her self-interest, and
Solomon knew that only a loving and devoted parent would act this way.
This is a powerful strategy that successful Dads use all the time.
6
IMPORTANT NOTICE: THE INFORMATION IN THIS REPORT IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE – it is only a guide for consideration.
It’s important to consult with a Family Law Lawyer or Attorney within your jurisdiction to discuss your situation and specific case in detail.
November 2007 – Copyright 2007
Danny Guspie – Executive Director – Fathers Resources International
DIVORCE
1O1
How can you apply this strategy to your case?
Stand firm and refuse to be bullied by anyone, including your Family Court Judge. Respectfully
disagree and explain your actions within the context of waging peace, why that represents the
best interests of your child, outline the steps you’ve taken to make peace and finally, that you
accept your share of the responsibility for the problems and the solutions in you Family situation.
From a Judge’s perspective people in Family Court don’t often accept responsibility. They are
quick to blame and slow to forgive. This type of intolerance towards the other parent works
against you – especially if you are a Dad.
THE BEST INTERESTS OF CHILDREN DEFINED
This is so critical that it bears repeating here in its own section:
You need to emulate success, be flexible in your approach, pleasant, persistent and focused on
articulating the ultimate best interests of your child, which is this:
"I want my parents to stay together, and love me.
I don't want all this fighting. It scares me…"
If you start with this premise, and scale it back by one small slice to account for the fact that the
parents and child will likely now live in two homes what you have is this:
"I want my parents to love me. I don't want all this fighting. It scares me…"
In other words, a child wants their parents to love them without fighting, because they need their
parents to love them. Ask any adult child of divorce what they want, even 30 years down the road
after their parents split-up…
"I want my parents to put me first - I'm the child, they are the adults…
I can't even have a birthday or Christmas with my entire family."
Is that what you want to sentence your child to? If not, then be that parent
your child so desperately wants you to be. Never mind that the other parent
might be incapable of such behavior – that doesn't matter. You cannot make the other parent do a
darn thing if they are determined to act like a jerk, regardless of whether they know better, are
damaged goods, or are determined to wage war forever. Your children will know who you are.
And better yet, they will know who they themselves are as a result. Children are not as ignorant
or without insight as many professional would have us believe. They know that their parents, the
two people they are relying on for guidance do not agree, so depending on their age, they will be
confused until they are able to sort out and articulate what they feel.
T Remember
this Tip!
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IMPORTANT NOTICE: THE INFORMATION IN THIS REPORT IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE – it is only a guide for consideration.
It’s important to consult with a Family Law Lawyer or Attorney within your jurisdiction to discuss your situation and specific case in detail.
November 2007 – Copyright 2007
Danny Guspie – Executive Director – Fathers Resources International
DIVORCE
1O1
If you present a constant peaceful example, your children will cope much better. It will eventually
help them articulate their feelings because they feel safe to do so – that’s the first step needed for
emotional healing. As they grow older they’ll naturally emulate your “peaceful” approach, because
it removes the “walking on egg shells” situation many children feel when both parents are at war.
The first insight of a successful father is: Be the man of peace you claim to be. Every decision
you make must flow from this core operating philosophy because it is the highest of standards – it
removes the blame game and can actually de-escalate your situation. It won't be easy.
If you fall off the wagon, it's easy to get back on. You just have to do it, no matter how many times
you stumble – over time it becomes second nature. You become more confident in who you are
and what your role is and was in creating the problems that lead you here.
T Remember
this Tip!
Your child represents the very best of who you and your wife were
and still are – no matter how bad things get.
And it can get bad. But with our help, you can transcend the mess you are in, which you and your
spouse have created together, and hopefully can take responsibility for undoing.
At very least, you must step up to the plate and do your part, even if your spouse is refusing to
act with maturity, integrity and an eye focused firmly on the best outcome for the children:
A functional family, even if it is in two homes.
Don't ever let anyone get away with anything
other than acting from this standard.
This is the embodiment of what parental responsibility is.
It is no longer about you, nor your ex-spouse. You had your chance as children. You are now
adults, and must act like adults if your children are not to end up on the scrap heap and have
their local neighborhood gang be the only place they feel truly understood and loved.
Your children are at greater risk of promiscuity, exploitation, drug addiction, failure at school,
depression, criminal and/or anti-social behaviors. If both parents don't have a firm grip on the
parenting wheel, expect your children to exploit that weakness to their own immature advantage.
This can have and in some cases has had tragic consequences including the loss of life for some
children.
Don't wait to bury the hatchet, as you bury your child.
It is not worth it.
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IMPORTANT NOTICE: THE INFORMATION IN THIS REPORT IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE – it is only a guide for consideration.
It’s important to consult with a Family Law Lawyer or Attorney within your jurisdiction to discuss your situation and specific case in detail.
November 2007 – Copyright 2007
Danny Guspie – Executive Director – Fathers Resources International
DIVORCE
1O1
PARENTAL AND INSTITUTIONAL
CHILD ABUSE
Any parent or institution that does not act in the ultimate best interest of the child is guilty of
parental and/or institutional child abuse borne out of ignorance of what is at stake, or apathy
because no one is stepping up to the plate and taking responsibility.
You don't have to go along with this. You are your child's best advocate in an intact family, and
that does not change upon separation and divorce. Provided you are clear, motivated selflessly,
and can really be objective, refusing to rise to anyone's bait.
It is your duty to step up
and hold everyone accountable
to this standard.
You are fighting for nothing less than the immortal soul and character development of your child, their future happiness and success in becoming caring, contributing members of our society. If you don’t get this right, your child could become a one of
those kids who is a selfish criminal juvenile delinquent who thumbs their nose at the law, because
they know they can get away with it.
T Remember
this Tip!
At the same time, it does not give you license to be obsessive and inflexible. To do so will get you
pegged as a wing nut, hence destroying any credibility you have in and out of Family Court.
Credibility is the coin of the realm
in Family Court.
Credibility is EVERYTHING!
If you are not believed, you will lose.
So you must do everything you can to enhance your credibility, including holding yourself first and
foremost accountable as a parent. Be more accountable than others who may interact with your
child in and out of Family Court. Don't let your ex-spouse use the system in an outrageous way.
Find a lawyer who has specific experience with this type of situation.
Take every reasonable step to record and build accountability by making use of the law, procedure (with your lawyer’s assistance) and any other tool you learn through the mentoring process
– then you will have all of the elements you’ll need to be successful.
9
IMPORTANT NOTICE: THE INFORMATION IN THIS REPORT IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE – it is only a guide for consideration.
It’s important to consult with a Family Law Lawyer or Attorney within your jurisdiction to discuss your situation and specific case in detail.
November 2007 – Copyright 2007
Danny Guspie – Executive Director – Fathers Resources International
DIVORCE
Seven Steps to
1O1 Divorce Healing
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
Invigoration
The death of one's family brings about 4 stages
• Denial • Anger • Grieving
Vigorous physical activity helps lower stress and supports
problem solving which leads to Acceptance
Communication
Learn to apply these skills
• Regulation of self-talk • Reframing • Persuasion
• Influence These skills enable articulation and comprehension
of the problems, leading to creative solutions.
Education
Believe solutions exist and you will begin to see them
Books, tapes, professionals, support groups, self-help
resources provide ideas. Without ideas, the process
grinds to a halt.
Negotiation
Most people rely on 1 or 2 negotiating strategies
Study, learn and apply the skills required to negotiate
Increase your options and you are closer to a
creative win/win solution.
Mediation
A professional mediator can help
When the lines of communication break down, mediators are
trained in conflict resolution. Attend sessions even by yourself,
to improve your communication skills.
Enrichment
Consult a child psychologist
They can assist with parenting enrichment and a
parenting plan. This will heal your child from the impact of
the divorce and help meet their developmental needs.
Litigation
The absolute last resort
If you have taken the time to methodically work through
these steps properly, you can establish that you have the
skills and the willingness to work things out.
10
IMPORTANT NOTICE: THE INFORMATION IN THIS REPORT IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE – it is only a guide for consideration.
It’s important to consult with a Family Law Lawyer or Attorney within your jurisdiction to discuss your situation and specific case in detail.
November 2007 – Copyright 2007
Danny Guspie – Executive Director – Fathers Resources International
DIVORCE
1O1
YOUR GAME PLAN
DIVORCE 101
7-STEPS TO DIVORCE HEALING
Divorce 101 is a seven-step plan which has been successful
in helping men around the globe.
1
Invigoration
The death of one's family brings about 4 stages
• Denial • Anger • Grieving
Vigorous physical activity helps lower stress and supports
problem solving which leads to Acceptance
Step one - Invigoration
The death of one's family brings about 4 stages of coping:
• Denial
• Anger
• Grieving
(Stage one)
(Stage two)
(Stage three)
Vigorous physical activity helps lower stress. This supports problem solving which leads to:
• Acceptance (Stage four)
Acceptance of your situation means acknowledging the truth; or understanding
the way things are at this time. Acceptance will allow you to begin to focus on
and create the outcome/results you want to achieve. Set out a plan of activities: swimming, running, going to the gym, cycling – do what you like to do and remember to honor the schedule you
set up. If you are experiencing a difficult situation – make time that day for a physical activity even
if it’s not scheduled. Once you have mastered this step you are ready to move to step 2.
T Remember
this Tip!
11
IMPORTANT NOTICE: THE INFORMATION IN THIS REPORT IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE – it is only a guide for consideration.
It’s important to consult with a Family Law Lawyer or Attorney within your jurisdiction to discuss your situation and specific case in detail.
November 2007 – Copyright 2007
Danny Guspie – Executive Director – Fathers Resources International
DIVORCE
1O1
2
Communication
Learn to apply these skills
• Regulation of self-talk • Reframing • Persuasion
• Influence These skills enable articulation and comprehension
of the problems, leading to creative solutions.
Step two - Communication
Learn to apply these skills:
• Regulation of self-talk
• Reframing
• Persuasion
• Influence
These skills enable you to articulate and comprehend the problems which ultimately lead you to
creative solutions. Begin with understanding the injury, hurt and deep pain everyone in your family
feels. Ask yourself:
1. Where does this hurt come from?
2. What is my part in it?
3. What can I do to make it better?
4. How can I reduce the conflict?
5. What do I do that escalates and amplifies the conflict?
When you have answered these questions you can begin to implement a strategic campaign of
constructive tactics and processes to reduce your emotional pain. Remember that emotional pain
produces anxiety which can lead to high conflict situations – be they overt or passive aggressive.
Recognition of the triggering events is the key that will unlock the door to helping you find the solutions you will need to heal yourself and ultimately how to
encourage healing in the rest of your family. The root causes of your separation and divorce likely
come from your attitudes and values. If you no longer share the same attitudes and values with
your spouse in a meaningful way, conflict is inevitable.
T Remember
this Tip!
Once you stopped doing things for each other you effectively killed the relationship. You both
need to feel safe to constructively express your true feelings to each other. When that ended, so
did your relationship.
Once you took your relationship for granted – it ended the relationship – even though you likely
never realized it.
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IMPORTANT NOTICE: THE INFORMATION IN THIS REPORT IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE – it is only a guide for consideration.
It’s important to consult with a Family Law Lawyer or Attorney within your jurisdiction to discuss your situation and specific case in detail.
November 2007 – Copyright 2007
Danny Guspie – Executive Director – Fathers Resources International
DIVORCE
1O1
Feelings are neither right nor wrong. We get confused when someone we love belittles what we
feel, largely because most of us want to do the right thing. Often what we feel, is something we
can't quite clearly articulate, and that can lead to frustration in our communication. Statements like
"…You just don't understand…." Or "…what are you, stupid?…" often result.
Trust recedes, communication is blocked, hurt feelings smolder, and the grass begins to look
greener. Remember – statistically, women initiate separation/divorce and men leave the home,
often in the hope that it will make the peace, when in fact it can inflame your spouse further, making her feel insecure, worried about her future, scared and angry all at the same time and when
all is said and done it can lead to a volatile situation.
Without improved communication skills these same obstacles can still exist
long after the separation and/or divorce. The very best you can do for yourself
and your children is learn a new method of communication. We strongly recommend Dale
Carnegie’s book: “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. A best seller for over 70 years!
T Remember
this Tip!
You don't even need to read the book, just read and review the 1-page summaries at the end of
each section. Apply the strategies in communication, negotiation, mediation and litigation and you
are sure to stand above the crowd.
You will be walking the talk – and that will be easy for all to see, including a Family Court Judge,
provided your litigation and advocacy management plan is well in place.
It has been our experience that most men seek freedom from nagging, fighting and unpleasantness all at the expense of the future security of themselves and their family – an uneducated and
ultimately costly choice. Education is key it unlocks the door to ignorance. Once you have learned
the skills of effective communication with yourself and others you become someone who can
articulate and listen in equal measure – and you’re ready for Step 3.
3
Education
Believe solutions exist and you will begin to see them
Books, tapes, professionals, support groups, self-help
resources provide ideas. Without ideas, the process
grinds to a halt.
Step three - Education
Believe solutions exist and you will begin to see them. Focus on finding the right books, CDs,
professionals, support groups and self-help resources that can help provide ideas. Without ideas,
the problem solving process grinds to a halt.
13
IMPORTANT NOTICE: THE INFORMATION IN THIS REPORT IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE – it is only a guide for consideration.
It’s important to consult with a Family Law Lawyer or Attorney within your jurisdiction to discuss your situation and specific case in detail.
November 2007 – Copyright 2007
Danny Guspie – Executive Director – Fathers Resources International
DIVORCE
1O1
This statement is NOT LEGAL ADVICE, but it may be the most important issue you need
to discuss with a qualified Family Law Lawye/ Attorney....Never, ever leave your home without the benefit of a separation agreement or court order, or you will likely face losing custody of
your children. What you will trigger is likely far worse than what you are facing right now. Ask any
father who has lived to regret the day he left his children behind in the family home. Why?
Here's why… When you compare legal statutes in jurisdictions from Canada, the United States,
the UK, Australia, New Zealand and/or Europe – you will very likely find a similar statements.
For example, in Ontario, Canada, it states within the Children's Law Reform Act, Section 20(4):
"Where the parents of a child live separate and apart and the child lives with one of them with
the consent, implied consent or acquiescence of the other of them, the right of the other to
exercise the entitlement of custody and the incidents of custody, but not the entitlement to
access, is suspended until a separation agreement or order otherwise provides."
In other words, if you leave your child behind in the home, that's
viewed as consent, which gives the remaining parent custody of the
child until, UNLESS there is a separation agreement or court order
that says otherwise. Fathers should never, never, never leave the
family home without a separation agreement or court order that
clearly spells out the legal and physical custody of your children,
including the visitation/parenting arrangements in very detailed and
specific terms. Many fathers will sign or agree to Court Orders that
describe their visitation or parenting time with their children as "the
father shall have generous and liberal access/visitation to the children" or a phrase such as "as agreed upon by the parties" is added.
NOTE: The information herein is
not Legal Advice – it’s a guide
for your consideration.
Education is very important but
it is not a substitute for Legal
Advice from a qualified Family
Law Lawyer/Attorney within
your jurisdiction. It is very
IMPORTANT to consult with a
to Family Law Lawyer/Attorney
discuss your specific case.
T Remember
this Tip!
If your separation agreement or Court Order includes specifics about your parenting-time (visitation) schedule, then such a phrase (as above) means "more
time" in addition to the specific times indicated within the agreement. If there are no specific
days/time written into your separation agreement or Court Order you can count on having
to go back to Court if the two of you cannot agree on your parental visitation schedule.
If you live in or have a case in Ontario Canada, please visit: www.Fathers-Resources.com
Our web site is designed to educate you at your speed.
If you live in another province or country you will have to do some comparative law research to
find comparable statutes, regulations, forms, rules/practice directions of your local Family Court in
order to put these ideas and strategies into their proper legal context in your jurisdiction.
Researching case law may help you find a father who has won a case similar to your own in your
location, and the lawyer who represented him. Remember this – the value of a good mentor is
immeasurable – it’s just as important as finding the right Family Law Lawyer or Attorney.
The next concept you need to appreciate is: Divorce is not a solution. It most often requires more
work than marriage, because if you want it to be a good divorce, then you will be doing the very
things that would have likely saved your marriage.
14
IMPORTANT NOTICE: THE INFORMATION IN THIS REPORT IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE – it is only a guide for consideration.
It’s important to consult with a Family Law Lawyer or Attorney within your jurisdiction to discuss your situation and specific case in detail.
November 2007 – Copyright 2007
Danny Guspie – Executive Director – Fathers Resources International
DIVORCE
1O1
4
Negotiation
Most people rely on 1 or 2 negotiating strategies
Study, learn and apply the skills required to negotiate
Increase your options and you are closer to a
creative win/win solution.
Step four - Negotiation
The three previous steps built the foundation for Step 4 – Negotiation. And Negotiation builds the
foundation that you must have to be effective for the next three steps of your separation and
divorce management plan. Study, learn and apply the skills required to negotiate. Most people
rely on one or two negotiating strategies.
Increase your negotiation options and you’re closer to creating win/win solutions.
In order to wage peace effectively is the essential to learn many more negotiating strategies and
and use these techniques not only in negotiation but during mediation and/or litigation. Become
the parent who can best serve your child's need for peace by creating win/win solutions that
make sense, are easy to apply, and that demonstrate your ability and willingness to work with the
mother, even if she can't work with you.
How to prove acrimony by design in Court.
Acrimony by design occurs when a mother makes it impossible to co-parent and claims that you
are being uncooperative. It’s the most common tactic used to obtain sole custody in Court.
This strategy combined with possession of the child plus s. 20(4) of the Children's Law Reform
Act (Ontario, CA) and you have a very tough fight on your hands if you wish to obtain joint custody. It is important to have clear and compelling evidence that you are not the problem and that
Mom simply won't communicate, educate or remediate her behavior.
A key point is... don't rise to the bait of these tactics! Continue to pay your child
support and open about your financial disclosure. If you have good evidence
and the ability to go the distance in Court, you can prevail and even reverse custody. Remember
that it takes a persevering spirit to do so and never ever let anyone tell you it can't be done – we
have assisted many fathers and have seen other cases where dads have succeeded.
T Remember
this Tip!
Consider this as a test of your commitment to your child's happiness. If you truly feel you have
done everything you can to vigorously educate yourself in order to co-parent and then applied
those lessons no matter what provocations and obstacles you faced from friends, family, lawyers,
social workers and the Court. They will all disappear some day: YOU ARE A DAD FOREVER.
15
IMPORTANT NOTICE: THE INFORMATION IN THIS REPORT IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE – it is only a guide for consideration.
It’s important to consult with a Family Law Lawyer or Attorney within your jurisdiction to discuss your situation and specific case in detail.
November 2007 – Copyright 2007
Danny Guspie – Executive Director – Fathers Resources International
DIVORCE
1O1
Recognize that no matter who has initiated your separation, there will be many changes that you
may have a lot of difficulty coping with and feel overwhelmed at times. Recognize that you may
be your own biggest obstacle to success if you are bitter and angry over the unfairness you face.
At the same time recognize that your spouse, even if she appears to have the upper hand, she’ll
be feeling as anxious as you are. She will worry that she’ll lose what (little) control she may have,
and that which she is fighting to preserve – that control you want part of, be it equal or otherwise.
You will feel deeply betrayed, especially if you’ve been removed
from the family home as a victim of a false allegation. Marriage
vows profess trust and loyalty forever and everyone expects their
marriage to last forever. When it doesn't, it’s only natural to feel
anger, frustration and disappointment over the loss of these
dreams, hopes and aspirations for a shared family life.
Pain and/or guilt, blaming the other parent for the failure of the
marriage are all natural outcomes, whether your feelings have
any basis in reality or not. They are all healthy signs of a rich
emotional life. However if you become obsessed with such
thoughts, you are suffering from stress that is not being relieved
and that's not healthy. If you’re not managing your stress – go
back to Step 1.
Uncertainty can also bring
about anxiety and anxiety
brings can lead to fear.
Fear is a call to action.
Instinctively you will either
engage in a fight or flight
reaction. With regular physical exercise you’ll gain
the clarity and self-control
you’ll need in order to
make good, well-thought
out decisions.
Expect health problems if you don't take care of yourself. Your feelings can be
described as minor bruises, open wounds or major injuries that need immediate treatment. You are the best person to treat them with frequent physical exercise – 45 minutes
per day is best. Swim fifty laps, or go jogging, bicycling, walking, weightlifting – any type of aerobic activity is the best antidote for improving your outlook because it breaks your train of thought
and improves your self-talk.
T Remember
this Tip!
Many relationships change during separation and divorce. All these changes cause additional
pain, anxiety and stress. Your finances will be impacted. Two people together can live better on
less money than one. Your future will be ambiguous at best until the dust settles and you begin
rebuilding. With this uncertainty comes more stress… So regular physical exercise is absolutely
crucial to having a levelheaded perspective – without it you cannot strategize effectively.
Whether it’s gradual or sudden, you could be facing a major crisis that ranks right up there as one
of life's pivotal experiences. As much as it is important to make plans at such a time you may find
that you are at such an emotional low point that logical planning is difficult, if not impossible.
Remember this is the death of your family! You may hit some roadblocks that will be difficult to
overcome without some professional help at this point.
If not, then you are ready for the next step...
16
IMPORTANT NOTICE: THE INFORMATION IN THIS REPORT IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE – it is only a guide for consideration.
It’s important to consult with a Family Law Lawyer or Attorney within your jurisdiction to discuss your situation and specific case in detail.
November 2007 – Copyright 2007
Danny Guspie – Executive Director – Fathers Resources International
DIVORCE
1O1
5
Mediation
A professional mediator can help
When the lines of communication break down, mediators are
trained in conflict resolution. Attend sessions even by yourself,
to improve your communication skills.
Step five - Mediation
A professional mediator can help when the lines of communication break down. Mediators are
trained in conflict resolution. If your spouse won’t attend the sessions go on your own accord with
the intention of learning how to improve your communication skills.
In some situations you can use this decision to attend mediation as evidence of your commitment
to your children. Evidence of your positive focus on learning the skills that can to improve your
family situation, instead of complaining about your ex-wife.
T Remember
this Tip!
The situations you face will require a thorough re-evaluation of expectations
and management strategies to circumnavigate the difficulties that lie ahead.
By having a roadmap, you can see your way clear to your destination.
If you have learned the first four steps – you have created the solid foundation you will need for
success. These step have been the basis of success for every man who has gone before you on
this lonely journey. You are not alone on this journey – we are here to help you.
6
Enrichment
Consult a child psychologist
They can assist with parenting enrichment and a
parenting plan. This will heal your child from the impact of
the divorce and help meet their developmental needs.
Step six is - Enrichment
Consult a child psychologist. They can assist with parenting enrichment and a parenting plan
designed to heal your child from the impact of the divorce as well as focus on their developmental
needs. Child psychologists can evaluate your parenting and co-parenting strengths and weaknesses, and give expert testimony on these crucial areas of parental fitness.
Simple survival strategies are not always the best course. Despite the crisis and confusion, you
can create a better outcome, no matter where you are in the process if you can get your bearings
and implement the advice of a good child psychologist. The last resort is Step 7.
17
IMPORTANT NOTICE: THE INFORMATION IN THIS REPORT IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE – it is only a guide for consideration.
It’s important to consult with a Family Law Lawyer or Attorney within your jurisdiction to discuss your situation and specific case in detail.
November 2007 – Copyright 2007
Danny Guspie – Executive Director – Fathers Resources International
DIVORCE
1O1
7
Litigation
The absolute last resort
If you have taken the time to methodically work through
these steps properly, you can establish that you have the
skills and the willingness to work things out.
Step seven - Litigation
Litigation is the absolute last resort. If you have taken the time to methodically work through the
previous steps properly, you can establish that you have the skills and the willingness to work
things out for an optimal outcome for your children and that your former partner is engaging in
acrimony by design in an attempt to thwart your role as Dad.
The purpose of this plan is to help you set your compass to your heart's desire:
the end of your loneliness, confusion, shame, pain, guilt, and inability to get
some semblance of control back in your life – especially if you are going through the divorce from
hell. It doesn't matter what stage you are at and what hasn't worked so far for you, we teach what
will work for you, because it has worked for so many men before you.
T Remember
this Tip!
Know this: There are many, many men and their extended families going through exactly the
same things you are – many more than you would expect.
The difference is, if you are willing to accept responsibility for your part in creating the mess you
are in, and you implement our suggestions and work the plan to its conclusion, you’ll watch your
situation improve much more quickly than you would ever believe possible.
Every journey begins with one step.
Congratulations for reading this report
to the end!
You've taken that step!
There are many more steps you’ll need to take, but remember that as you learn how to plan for
your separation and divorce you can look forward to arriving at a more pleasant and predictable
future. With thought and planning, you can save yourself time, money, undue emotional suffering
and ultimately allow you to be the father you were meant to be for your children.
Planning Steps and Resources...
18
IMPORTANT NOTICE: THE INFORMATION IN THIS REPORT IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE – it is only a guide for consideration.
It’s important to consult with a Family Law Lawyer or Attorney within your jurisdiction to discuss your situation and specific case in detail.
November 2007 – Copyright 2007
Danny Guspie – Executive Director – Fathers Resources International
DIVORCE
1O1
HOW TO PLAN FOR DIVORCE
Divorce Management
Separation and divorce rarely happens quickly – the erosion of love and trust takes time. There
may have been deception and/or selfishness to begin with, or perhaps you were duped into
"falling into love" by a woman who is a "gold-digger" – it happens! Usually the signs are there if
you keep your eyes and ears open – remember an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Even though each relationship is unique – some times you know a divorce or separation is
inevitable, other times there’s no warning at all – you come home to an empty house. In either
case you will need a plan, and it is better to plan well before you begin a serious relationship.
The more you know, the better your plan will be. You don't need warning signs to begin planning
for a successful outcome.
If you are just embarking on a new relationship, a prenuptial agreement may be in order. If you
are separating, a separation agreement may help avoid the need to take your matter to Family
Court which can ultimately reduce your legal fees – and most important always consult with a
Family Law Lawyer. Sometimes its a good idea to seek the advice of several lawyers before you
make a decision whom to hire.
It’s never too late to begin your separation and/or Divorce Management plan, but the sooner you
start the better. Above all, separation and/or divorce planning depends on having knowledge
about how to negotiate, mediate and litigate.
Focus on gaining a greater understanding of the law relative to your jurisdiction – this does not
mean that you do not need a to hire a Family Law Lawyer or Attorney to assist you with your
case. Consider that as you gain a greater understanding of the law – you can assist your attorney
with information that you would have originally not thought to include.
Learning how to anticipate your spouse’s reaction to: events; circumstances; mediation; negotiation; settlement discussions and court appearances – will enable you to make better decisions.
www.DivorcedDadMinute.com is dedicated to help you through this process, so you can
organize yourself well enough to be able to competently conduct and instruct any professionals
who will help you during the course of your matter.
So what are your next steps?
The Steps are really easy!
Just turn the page....
19
IMPORTANT NOTICE: THE INFORMATION IN THIS REPORT IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE – it is only a guide for consideration.
It’s important to consult with a Family Law Lawyer or Attorney within your jurisdiction to discuss your situation and specific case in detail.
November 2007 – Copyright 2007
Danny Guspie – Executive Director – Fathers Resources International
DIVORCE
1O1
Divorced Dads Resources
IMPORTANT NOTE: We do not offer legal advice on our Podcasts,
Weekly TeleSeminar calls or at our in-person meetings
Listen to our 1-Minute Tips! www.DivorcedDadMinute.com
Would you like to be the first to get VIP treatment and get details about
our special offers before anyone else?
As a regular podcast listener we’ll reward you with FREE MATERIALS and
SPECIAL OFFERS to help you improve your situation.
2. Weekly Tele-Seminars
www.DivorcedDadWeekly.com
You can attend our weekly Tele-Seminars at no-cost using our Webcast link
found on the website, or by phone using the Phone Number and Conference
ID listed on the website (long distance charges may apply) The Webcast panel
has a question box – where you can post a question there during the live call.
Note: If you want to ask your question LIVE during the call you must use the
phone number and conference ID listed.
Tele-Seminars begin at 8:00pm Eastern Time / 5:00pm Pacific Time We open
up the phone lines 10 minutes before the Seminar, so everyone can say hello.
3. Divorced Dads Rights Podcast – DADcast Season 1
www.fathers-resources.com/DadCast/tabid/621/Default.aspx
Subcribe and download all episodes of DadCast from
www.iTunes.com Just use the search term “divorce” click
on the Podcast section and then click on DADcast icon.
4. Quick Link to Live In-Person Meetings Information (southern Ontario Canada)
www.fathers-resources.com/Meetings/tabid/441/Default.aspx
Sincerely
Danny Guspie,
Executive Director – Fathers Resources International
Divorce Management Counselor / Divorce Coach
Executive Producer and Co-Host of DivorcedDadMinute.com, DivorcedDadWeekly.com and
DADcast – Divorced Dads Rights Podcast
Email: info (at) fathers-resources.com
20
IMPORTANT NOTICE: THE INFORMATION IN THIS REPORT IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE – it is only a guide for consideration.
It’s important to consult with a Family Law Lawyer or Attorney within your jurisdiction to discuss your situation and specific case in detail.
November 2007 – Copyright 2007
Danny Guspie – Executive Director – Fathers Resources International