How to Keep Your Hubby Happy At Iba Pang Tips para kay Misis by Marlene Legaspi-Munar OMF Literature Inc. Manila, Philippines Contents Dedication 5 Acknowledgments 7 All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible: New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by the International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. Other Scripture quotations are taken from: Holy Bible: New Living Translation®. 2nd edition. NLT®. Copyright © 1996, 2004 by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. How to Keep Your Hubby Happy At Iba Pang Tips para kay Misis Copyright © 2014 by Marlene Legaspi-Munar Cover design by Nixon Na Typesetting by Marianne C. Ventura Published (2014) in the Philippines by OMF Literature Inc. 776 Boni Avenue Mandaluyong City, Metro Manila www.OMFLit.com ISBN _____________________ Printed in the Philippines Introduction 11 1 Dream Wedding 15 2 Hello, Married Life! 27 3 Wake-Up Call 39 4 Usapang Puso 48 5 Home Sweet Home 58 6 Number 1 Fan Ka ba Niya? 69 7 BFF ba Kayo ng Asawa Mo? 75 8 Massages, Hugs, and You-Know-What 89 9 Paano Pag Di Na Kayo Masaya? 99 10 Happily Ever After ba Kamo? 112 Endnotes 123 To my best friend and husband Anthony John O. Munar Acknowledgments I think it was from the editor of my first book that I heard the analogy between publishing a book and giving birth to a baby. Both take time. In the case of giving birth to a baby, it’s nine months. Some books managed to be published—from conceptualization to the release of the printed book—in nine months. Many needed more than nine months, as in the case of this book. A baby is a parents’ delight, the result of a man and a woman’s loving union. A book is an author’s “baby,” the product of the author’s labor of love (Actually, it can be considered as the baby also of the many other people involved in publishing it, like the editor, book designer, typesetter, etc.). Before giving birth to this book, I had 22 years of marriage behind me and will soon be adding another year in a few months. Marami akong natutunan tungkol sa pag-aasawa from books, marriage counselors, relatives, friends, my own experience, and most of all, from the 8 How to Keep Your Hubby Happy Bible which is the God-given manual for married couples. Much of what I have shared here is drawn from real life experiences—my own and that of wonderful people who willingly opened up their hearts and shared with me their thoughts, feelings, and experiences about married life. I thank God for calling me to a life of loving and lasting partnership with my best friend and pastor, Anthony John O. Munar. God prepared him to be my husband, and He is continually shaping both of us to be conformed to the image of our Lord Jesus so that we may reflect and share His unconditional love. To my husband, let me say: “Salamat, Mahal, sa walang sawang pagmamahal mo sa akin at pag-unawa sa mga kahinaan at pagkukulang ko, at sa pagtulong sa akin na ma-overcome ko ang mga iyon. You are able to give yourself to me because you have first yielded your life to our Lord Jesus Christ. It was He who gave you an example on how to love me by the manner in which He sacrificed Himself for His Bride, the Body of Christ. I pray na lalo pang lumalim ang love natin sa isa’t isa at magkasama tayong tumanda.” I thank the many wives and a few husbands who, as I’ve said earlier, shared to me their thoughts and feelings about married life. I Acknowledgments 9 want to thank those who participated in the discussion in my three online Facebook groups called Project: Happy Husband, Hubby Talk, and Usapang Husband. I’d like to make special mention of Mommy Rebecca Tolentino-Brion, Diane Sebastian Auclair, Ging Moreno, Cielo Bueno Kramer, Dr. Ging Mananes-Ambrosio, Lizel Torio-Zabalo, Marijoy Hugo Balanay, Ingrid Patacsil, Dr. Vicky Pasia Rufino, Ophie Formeloza, Ruth Chanco-Dave, Tina Panaligan-Bais, Chel De Vera Mariano, Jenny Bautista Wieneke, Delina Isais, Marites de Castro, Me-An Antenor Agapito, Zen Alberto Martin, Minda Fababier Macdon, Josiebel Ilagan, Beck Tagudin-Chua, and Victoria Mordeno Villar. Special thanks also goes to Capt. Raymund Taotjo and Michael Hernandez, and to my cousin Kristine Legaspi De Jesus, who shared with me information on wedding trends. There are other women too whose names I will not mention to protect their privacy, but their contribution to this book is also vital. I’m grateful to OMF Literature for trusting me to write about this topic. To its Publications Director, Yna Reyes, “My hats off to you for continually encouraging Filipino Christian writers like me to produce materials that will, by God’s grace, inspire and transform others.” And thank you once again to my editor Beng 10 How to Keep Your Hubby Happy Alba Jones. It’s a pleasure to share with you this material and to work with you in finalizing the manuscript. I pray na bawat nangangarap na makapagasawa at magkaroon ng masayang pagsasama ay mabigyan ng pag-asa ng librong ito. It’s possible to have a happy marriage. I pray that God will enlighten us and give us the courage to follow the path to real marriage—from the dream wedding to a happy ending. Introduction May kasabihan ang matatanda: “Ang pag-aasawa ay hindi parang kaning isusubo na iluluwa kapag napaso.” Ibig sabihin, kapag pinasok mo ang pagaasawa, wala na itong urungan. Ang pag-aasawa ay isang panghabambuhay na commitment, isang sumpaan sa pagitan ng babae at lalaking ikakasal na magsasama sila habambuhay, till death do them part. Ang Diyos mismo ang may idea ng pagsasamang ito at ang gusto Niya ay masayang pagsasama. God wants the husband and wife to enjoy each other. In the first place, if they’re going to be together for a lifetime, they better be happy together! Of course, we want our marriage to be a bed of roses, just like a fairy tale with a happy ending. Pero sa totoo lang, may kasama ring thorns ang roses at hindi lahat nauuwi sa “and they lived happily ever after.” Maraming problema at hamong kinakaharap ang mag-asawa pero sa 12 How to Keep Your Hubby Happy kabila nito, pwede pa rin silang maging masaya as they work through these challenges. Many wives and husbands want to have a fulfilling marriage. They want to be happy and they want their spouse to be happy too. When one politician ran for a seat in the Senate, his tagline was “Gusto ko, happy ka!” (Sadly, even his own marriage cannot be considered happy—with widespread allegations of his “extra-curricular activities”—kahit nanalo siya.) Can spouses say the same thing to each other? Sana. Dapat! Pero paano nila gagawin ito? This book seeks to explore how we can make our husbands happy which we hope will contribute to us being happy as wives. A husband and wife living in harmony will bring honor to God. If you are dreaming of getting married someday, or you are about to get married, may I suggest that you read this book before you walk down the aisle? Kung married ka na, troubled man o hindi ang inyong pagsasama, this book is for you. Both husbands and wives need to constantly work together to make their relationship a satisfying union that pleases and glorifies God (who ordained marriage) and makes both partners happy. Ang librong ito ay isinulat para kay misis pero pwede rin itong basahin ni mister. Many Introduction 13 principles mentioned in this book could apply to both men and women. Are you ready? If you are, let’s start with some pleasant thoughts. Turn to the first chapter and let’s talk about your dream wedding. 1 Dream Wedding I woke up this morning thanking God for being Savior to my marriage for all these years. More and more I am learning that the marriage I dream of is only possible when He is the One in charge. He is the source of our love and joy. — Robert Magnuson What’s your dream wedding? You’re dressed in a white off-the-shoulder with mermaid skirt bridal gown. Covering your face is a thin veil secured on top of your hair with a tiara. Beneath that veil, your smiling lips shimmering in pink and your eyes sparkling with excitement can be seen. Hay, ang ganda mong tingnan! All your family members, relatives, and guests are looking at you, delighting at how beautiful you are. But your eyes are turned only to that dashing 16 How to Keep Your Hubby Happy man waiting for you at the altar, garbed in a cream tuxedo with a yellow carnation tucked on the pocket of his left breast. As you walk down the aisle, you look at each other and even if you can’t hear each other’s voice your heart says to each other with excitement, “This is it!” And then, nagising ka. Ay, panaginip lang pala! Whether you’re asleep or awake, ang nasa isip mo ay ang iyong dream wedding. Most people dream of getting married someday and enjoying a happy marriage. Men dream of getting married, too, though many of them may not be as preoccupied as the women in daydreaming about a wedding. Ito ang pinakaaasam-asam na pangyayari sa buhay ng isang dalaga — ang magkaroon ng isang napakaganda at memorable na wedding. The wedding is a public event that tells the world that two people are entering into a permanent, loving relationship. The wedding signifies a change in status, from being single to being married. It’s an emotionally-filled event para sa bride and groom at sa kanilang family and friends. But we have to admit, the bride is often the center of attraction during the wedding. That’s why it’s natural for her to get so engrossed with the wedding preparations. Gusto niyang maging perfect ang wedding niya. Dream Wedding 17 Thanks to wedding planners and wedding suppliers, our desire to have that “perfect” wedding ceremony is now possible. May katulong na ang mga engaged couples sa pagpaplano ng kasal nila without the stress, or at least with minimal stress only. Weddings have become a booming business. Generations ago, walang mga professional wedding planners. The planning of the wedding was left to older family members or relatives who oversee or help mula sa pagpapatahi ng gown hanggang sa pagpaplano ng menu, serving the guests at the reception, and other details. Nowadays, one can hire a professional wedding planner to coordinate with the engaged couple regarding the details of the wedding and oversee its execution. One can also have a variety of choices pagdating sa wedding gowns and motif, place of wedding, reception, flowers, cakes, souvenirs, photo and video coverage. Traditionally, sa simbahan o sala ng judge ginaganap ang wedding ceremony. In some Christian denominations, couples can be wed in gardens, by the beach, underwater, in the air, or events centers. For those who can really afford it, there are weddings held in more upscale destinations like Palawan, Misibis Bay in Albay, 18 How to Keep Your Hubby Happy and Bellaroca in Marinduque. Tagaytay is also a favorite wedding venue. Wedding motifs have evolved too. Dati naka-barong Tagalog ang groom, mga ninong at secondary sponsors. Men still wear the elegant barong Tagalog but now, may mga naka-tuxedo or suit narin. When I got married, our motif was pastel colors—pink, peach, and mint green. Now it’s fashionable to be in bold colors like fuschia, emerald green, aqua, brown and even black. Recently, I saw a wedding where the entourage and even the guests were garbed in black and white. Bride lang ang naka-all-white. Pre-nuptial photo shoots are also common nowadays pero years ago, walang mga prenuptial photos na madalas kinukunan sa park, garden, o beach where the engaged couples appear like romantic couples in movies—holding hands, embracing each other, walking towards the sunset or lying on the ground as they watch the drifting clouds. Before, there were photo and video coverages during weddings, but a video coverage of a wedding proposal was unheard of. Kailan lang, ibinalita pa sa isang TV news program ang tungkol sa kakaibang wedding proposal that was documented on video. The guy hired a videographer, the tour group of Old Manila Walks, and the marching band of the City Dream Wedding 19 of Manila. The guy made it appear that he and his fiancée are just part of a Binondo food tour until at the last stop, the band came marching in and the guy made his proposal. And all this was recorded on video and became viral on social =1 million media. Another guy spent a whopping P for his wedding proposal which included a car as a gift to the fiancée and the use of a chartered private plane. Wedding proposal pa lang yan ha. Magkano kaya ginastos niya for their wedding? Bongga o Simple? For those who are on a limited budget and who prefer to be more hands-on, they can still get ideas and tips through wedding blog sites and wedding forum. Of course, family and friends plus lots of creativity can really help in keeping the expenses within the budget. Speaking of creativity and staying within the budget, a friend of mine found an alternative to the yellow roses they would be using for their wedding. Dahil mahal ang yellow roses, nagpabili siya ng white roses sa Sampaloc, Manila. Using a medicine dropper, pinatakan niya ng yellow food color ang dulo ng petals ng roses on the eve of her wedding Kaya the following morning, kumalat na ang food coloring sa petals at naging bright yellow ang kulay ng roses. 20 How to Keep Your Hubby Happy Another young woman and her boyfriend didn’t have much money when they decided to tie the knot. But they were determined to live the rest of their lives together so they settled for a mass wedding. She recalls, “There were only a handful of guests: our immediate families, closest friends, a couple of officemates. I was wearing a shiny pink dress, and my bouquet was a single white rose, which was given to the brides as they stepped into the red carpet of the church aisle. The reception was held in the church basement. We had pancit, a big communal wedding cake, chicken, and sandwiches. The honeymoon was in our newly rented apartment. We laugh and smile when we think about it now.” Nowadays, many couples would probably work around a P300,000 wedding budget to start with, but when another pair of love birds got the confirmation after praying that it was time to get married, they only had 1% of that amount: P3,000 in the bank. Yet they trusted God to provide for everything, and true enough, they ended up receiving gifts from family, sponsors, and friends for all that they needed. Their wedding rings were given by one of their wedding sponsors who happens to be the jeweler of a former first lady. After almost 22 years, their rings still look as good as new. She adds, “It’s a Dream Wedding 21 daily reminder of the Lord’s faithfulness when we started our marital relationship.” Other couples who didn’t have the budget for a more elaborate and expensive church wedding ceremony opted for a civil wedding first and then a church wedding later. But according to another friend of mine, it became more meaningful. “The church wedding was much more meaningful to me—at that point, having been already married eight years, when you swear to love somebody no matter what, you know exactly what that means and everything it entails.” Whether it’s a church or a civil wedding, isang bonggang wedding o simpleng wedding, let’s remember that a wedding is not a show but a sacred occasion where two people in love pledge their lifelong commitment to each other in front of God and the people standing as witnesses. Huwag lang nating paghandaan ang kasalan, mas lalo nating paghandaan ang pakikisama sa ating asawa. The ideal spouse Hindi lang tayo nangangarap ng magandang kasalan. Malayo pa lang ang kasal, nangangarap na tayo na makapangasawa ng isang ideal husband. Teenager ka pa lang siguro nagde-daydream ka na of getting married someday to your crush. 22 How to Keep Your Hubby Happy Ngayong nasa tamang edad ka na at may work pa, gustong-gusto mo na sigurong mag-asawa. What kind of man is your ideal husband? Are you looking for a guy who is tall, dark, and handsome? O gusto mo mestizo at metrosexual, iyong urban male, maayos at malinis sa katawan, magandang magbihis, parang model? O nakikipagbiruan ka rin at sinasabi mong gusto mo ng 3M: Matanda, Mayaman, at Malapit nang mamatay? I asked some wives about their ideal husband when they were still single. Here are their quali fications: “Someone who loves the Lord, has a stable job, with good family background.” “Mabait, masipag, may natapos, mabuting makisama, guwapo, at higit sa lahat, mahal niya ang Panginoon. Family background is very important too.” “Malalim kay Lord, may heart sa mission, mahal ang pamilya at ang lingkod ni Lord, masayang kasama, may sense of humor. Madami . . . at siyempre, financially stable.” “Back then I only have one thing in my mind, that the person I will marry truly loves me in every sense of the word, and of course someone I so dearly love as well. No other conditions, no ifs and buts.” Dream Wedding 23 “I never thought of any qualifications or standard. Sabi ko lang sa Lord, ‘You know that I love You above all and nothing and no one can surpass my love to You, give me the husband who loves You more than anything else, so we can love You together and be one in You.’ And He did!” “Most of all, God-fearing siyempre, loving and responsible, and someone who would always make me smile.” “Pleasing to the eyes ang hitsura, di kaguwa puhan pero huwag naman pangit! Kailangan kasi maayos naman nakikita ko paggising ko sa umaga. Malinis sa katawan kasi may pagka-OC ako. May wit o sense of humor dapat. Di man katalinuhan, may common sense at may gifts sa ibang area. Faithful and loyal. Family-oriented. Hardworking, masipag. Compassionate o matu lungin sa kapwa. May faith sa Panginoon. Medyo demanding ako, di ba? Later on, ang sabi ko na lang, kung sino ang ibibigay ng Diyos sa akin, iyon na!” Why marry? More than dreaming about a lovely wedding, finding the ideal spouse, and settling in a love nest, you should be pondering on the reasons for marrying. Bakit ka nga ba mag-aasawa? Is 24 How to Keep Your Hubby Happy it because it’s what’s expected of women? Were you afraid of being single for the rest of your life that’s why you chose to marry? Did you think that being single and alone means being lonely for the rest of your life? Hindi mo na ba kinaya ang pressure at pangungulit ng mga kamag-anak at kaibigan mo na mag-asawa ka na? Did you get married kasi feeling mo natagpuan mo na talaga ang taong mamahalin mo habambuhay at magmamahal sa iyo ng tunay? (Parang linya sa pelikula!) O dahil may disgrasyang nangyari? A working wife in her late forties admitted that she married her boyfriend because she got pregnant too soon, right out of college. “But before then, we were truly and honestly head over heels in love. Thirty years and four sons later, we still have the same if not a stronger relationship that weathered a whole slew of storms.” One soft-spoken public servant whom I interviewed some years ago revealed to me, “I fell in love and got married at a very young age. Because of this, I had to stop studying for a while to raise a family. But when our youngest child among the first three entered preschool, I went back to college with the blessing and support of my husband. I had to learn how to manage my time well to be able to fulfill my obligations as a wife, mother, and student.” Dream Wedding 25 Kahit wala sa panahon ang pag-aasawa ni Working Wife at ni Mrs. Public Servant, nakapagadjust sila at hanggang ngayon going strong pa rin ang kanilang marriages. But not everyone who married in a hurry can say the same thing. Sadly, may mga nag-asawa nang maaga na hindi nagtagal ang pagsasama. Dahil hindi nakaya ang challenges ng buhay-may-asawa, they’ve given up on the vows they made to each other on their wedding day. Diane got married in her early 30s and asked herself some hard questions before marching to the altar. “Why do I want I to get married? The first part was pretty straightforward and very much like everyone else’s love stories—met guy, found him cute, smart, funny, devout. The second part was harder: Is God calling me to be married (or is this my vocation)? Pagkatapos ng maraming dasal, consultation, retreat, ang sagot ko ay, Hmmm, mukha ngang gusto ng Diyos na mag-asawa ako.” Marijoy said she married for love and found out that love means commitment. “I chose to get married because I love the person I married and want to build a life together with him. My expectation then was it wasn’t going to be easy, but since we are both Christians we will be able to surpass any trials. But it was really hard.” 26 How to Keep Your Hubby Happy Paano sila nag-survive? “A lot of adjustments, discussions, and arguments, but through prayers we survived and continue to stay in love. I guess we’ve learned to understand our differences and it’s both our decision to continue to learn to love each other. It’s not just feelings anymore . . . it’s a commitment.” These women once dreamed about their own wedding, got married, and faced the reality of marriage. Masarap mangarap na one day you’ll be married to the guy you fall in love with and that you’ll live happily ever after. Exciting magcountdown to the wedding day and go through all the preparations, especially when you see that your family and friends are also eagerly helping you. Exciting mag-isip ng kakaibang motif ng wedding at kahit talagang challenging, susuungin mo ang traffic at kapal ng tao sa Divisoria para makahanap ka lang ng gagawin mong murang wedding souvenir. Nakakakilig lalo na to think about the honeymoon. Oh, the pleasure of dreaming about a wedding! But how ahout after the wedding and the honeymoon? In the next chapter, titingnan natin ang mga totoong karanasan ng mga misis pagkatapos nilang makipagpalitan ng “I do” sa kanilang mga mister. 2 Hello, Married Life! And they . . . LIVED! Life isn’t always “Happily Ever After,” rather, loving FOREVER, regardless. — Carmen DeSousa, She Belongs To Me After their dream wedding, every couple wants to live happily ever after. Happily ever after—you know, that stock phrase in fairy tales signifying happy ending. Meron naman talagang mga kuwento ng masasayang oras a few days after the wedding. Para kang nasa cloud nine, a state of perfect happiness. You wake up in the morning to the sight of your husband at kahit hindi pa kayo nagto-toothbrush, you tenderly kiss each other on the lips and greet each other “Good morning!” And then as the dutiful wife you rise up to prepare your husband’s breakfast who’s going to work. You eat together your tapsilog
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