1. No category

Opening thoughts…
It makes me so sad to hear the endless stories of children with Asperger’s
who are bullied in school. And that many experts feel 90-100% of ALL
children with Asperger’s are bullied. What a sad and terrifying statistic!
So what can we do to reduce this figure and give kids with Asperger’s and
ASD a fighting chance in school?
I think schools need to really be held accountable for what goes on with your
children. I now they’re generally under-staffed and under-worked and it’s
often not for a lack of trying, that so many incidents occur. But the point
remains that organized education does not put a big enough priority on
keeping ALL children safe. It comes SUCH a distant second to exam results.
So as parents you need to continue to be a strong and ruthless advocate for
your child. You need to keep asking the right questions, and keeping the
pressure on when it comes to ensuring your child stays safe in school. Which
means…
If the teacher won’t help you… go to the head.
If the head won’t help you… go to the district supervisor.
And carry on up the ladder until you get what your child needs.
Because only you are really going to put your child’s needs before all others,
and so you simply have to take the appropriate action.
And that doesn’t mean simply criticizing the school on Face book, shouting
at teachers or uttering empty threats about “going to the papers” with your
story.
It’s about taking consistent, and considered, actions that mean the school
staff just HAVE to listen to you until your child gets what they need.
If you have to email the head every day for 3 months… then do it.
If you have to log every single incident of bullying and take it into the
school… then do it.
I know it’s asking a lot, but please keep doing all that you do for your child,
as you are (and always will be) their Number One Advocate.
With that said I am proud to introduce to this new resource called:
"How to Outwit, Outsmart and Outmaneuver the Bullies"
Because in this resource I aim to give you the practical tips and strategies to
empower your child to successfully…
Outwit the bullies and avoid their nasty plans.
Outsmart the bullies and stay one step ahead of them.
Outmaneuver the bullies and never be a “sitting duck” or target.
And I’ve even enlisted the help of Becky King in writing this resource. And
for those of you who don’t know her…
She’s a smart, no-nonsense, Southern mom from Alabama, USA with a
young son called Noah with Asperger’s. And so any time you hear Noah
being mentioned in this resource – you’ll know it’s Becky talking!
So to conclude - I sincerely hope that this resource offers help and
inspiration to you and your child in beating the bullies!
To your child’s success,
Finding a Way around the Bullies by Rebecca King
Growing up in a house full of girls, I remember the day I found out I was
having a boy clear as if it were yesterday. I can’t tell you how many times I
asked myself, “What am I going to do with a boy?” My mother told me that
I’d just be fine. But boys don’t like the dame things girls do.
I was somewhat of a tom boy—played softball, basketball, loved playing in
the mud, and climbing trees. I also enjoyed playing with Hot Wheels and
reading comics. Some of the comics I read helped me keep up with some of
the cartoons Noah enjoy watching. But, I’ll be honest; I really haven’t
enjoyed the comics until they started making major motion pictures out of
the characters.
One movie that we’ve enjoyed watching is Captain America with Chris Evans
playing Steve Roger or Captain America. For those of you, who don’t know
the background story; let me fill some of it in for you? The character Steve
Rogers was this little, scrawny guy who wanted to join the army during
World War II. But every time Steve went to enlist he was turned down due
to numerous medical problems or small size.
Finally a scientist working with the U.S. Army comes to Steve’s aid. The
scene in the movie is an exchange between the actors Chris Evans as
Captain America and Stanly Tucci as the scientist who creates Captain
America. The scientist asks why Steve want to go kill Nazis? Steve replies,
“I don’t want to kill anyone. I don’t like bullies. I don’t care where they’re
from.”
I was snickering when I heard that because it fit right into this paper. It
proves the point, at least to me, that bullies do exist in schools. That
throughout history, all of our countries—the United States, United Kingdom,
and Australia—there have been bullies trying to take advantage of those that
are weaker.
No one likes bullies. Depending on the age of the bully, there could be
serious criminal charges brought against the bully. Not to mention the
scrutiny of how most of society views bullies especially with so many groups
in our society pushing to prevent the abuse of bullies.
In the following pages I plan on discussing what it means to bully, types of
bullying, the statistics of bullying and Asperger’s; law or policies in the
United States, United Kingdom, and Australia for schools; reasons for
bullying, the impact of bullying, possible strategies to avoid or deal with
bullies; and what parents can do if their son or daughter is bullied.
The meaning of bully
I think the U.K. completed the definition of bully on www.education.gov.uk
under the section titled “Preventing and tackling bullying: What is bullying?”
Their definition states:
“Bullying is behavior by an individual or group, repeated over time, that
intentionally hurts another individual or group either physically or
emotionally. Bullying can take many forms (for instance, cyber-bullying via
text messages or the internet), and is often motivated by prejudice against
particular groups, for example on grounds of race, religion, gender, sexual
orientation, or because a child is adopted or has caring responsibilities. It
might be motivated by actual differences between children, or perceived
differences. Stopping violence and ensuring immediate physical safety is
obviously a school’s first priority but emotional bullying can be more
damaging than physical; teachers and schools have to make their own
judgments about each specific case.”
I choose this definition because it included the bully not actually being
physical present in front of their target. That they can intimidate so many
other ways; and once it’s started it could just be a thought on the targets
behalf that can cause the problem. Because once a bully has gotten into the
mind of their target they can affect the target in many ways.
The fact is that school is but one place that children are being bullied. It
could be happening at the mall, park, or any other place that children
frequent. A bully does not care if they are at school or not, as long as they
can torment someone. Therefore it is essential that schools and
communities work together to make sure that appropriate punishment is
given in these events.
Types of bullying
By definition, bullying is any action or behavior that is physical, anti-social,
or verbal, such as gossip, non-verbal body language, and exclusion that
occurs at home or during transit between home and school. Bullying can
also happen on the internet. This type of bulling is known as cyber-bullying,
and it is very common. Bullying can happen anywhere your child goes. All
there needs to be is opportunity, and bullying can—and will—take place.
Bullying of a child with Asperger’s makes for a hard combination. Let’s take
a step back and look at it this way:
If our son or daughter comes home with a physical mark on their body,
something they were wearing is torn, or they are missing something they
always take to school. This gives us the opportunity to ask our son or
daughter what is going on. We ask them lots of questions. We really listen
to their answers. But most importantly, I think, we let our son or daughter
know that they can tell us anything. That it does not matter what happened
we just want to make sure that they are really ok.
Then there is the flip side there are any number of subtle clues that our child
is being emotionally bullied at school. 3 common clues are:
1. Your son or daughter starts dreading going to school
2. Their grades start to drop
3. They are acting out badly towards their siblings,
Someone is calling them names, making fun of them, teasing them, or any
number of other emotionally harming forms of bullying. None of these
things would be something our son or daughter would tell us, because to
them it really wasn’t part of school.
It’s really sad to say, but it would be a lot easier for us to know our son or
daughter was being bullied if it were physical in nature. But now that I’ve
talked about some of the signs of emotional bullying, we can look at their
behavior closer if we feel something is going on. Neither form of bullying is
acceptable. We need to make sure that our son or daughter knows that too.
Statistics
I know that most of you are aware by now that I am home schooling Noah.
Honestly, I can say that bullies played a factor in my decision. There were
two separate incidents that helped make my decision to home school.
The first happened in the fourth grade when a known problem student, what
both of us would say was a bully, tried to choke Noah on the playground.
Luckily for Noah the physical education teacher saw the entire event and
took the offender to the office. Another student that was playing with Noah
recounted the event to the principal as well.
The second event occurred the last week of Noah’s fifth grade year. Noah
was being teased by another boy who was a bully. I had requested that this
particular boy not be around Noah because this young offender had a long
list of offenses against numerous other students. This student was allowed
to be around other students and he continued bullying students and teasing
them as well. The only difference this time was Noah got mad and hit him
first. So, when Noah ended up with a busted lip, you can imagine my
outrage.
The fact is these types of stories are EVERYWHERE. The bully always targets
the child with Asperger’s. One article put the bullied rate of those with
Asperger’s at 63 percent. Yes, you read that number correctly—63 percent!
That seems like a ridiculously large number to me.
But, the facts are there to support the numbers. It also came to light that
many individuals with Asperger’s never told anyone that they were being
bullied. These students said that they did not think to tell anyone, because
they were trying to figure it out on their own.
I would have questioned the research finding, but there were articles in
Forbes, The New York Times, N. P. R., and several other major media
outlets. Two major autism groups, The National Autism Society and
Interactive Autism Network, were the ones that conducted polls of parents
with children on the spectrum. However, the most noticeable numbers
occurred with those children that had Asperger’s.
In fact some research suggests that nearly 94% of children with Asperger’s
are victims of bullying. And that children with Asperger’s are subjected to
bullying an average of 1-2 times per week. 160,000 American children with
Asperger’s do not attend classes each day for fear of being bullied. These
startling statistics can have a negative impact on a child with Asperger’s.
The parents of children with Asperger’s reported more incidents with bullies.
Some researchers assumed that this was because our children are put in
mainstream classrooms. Researchers also noted higher levels of
occurrences in public schools. Most researchers felt it had to do with the
higher intelligence levels of children with Asperger’s.
There are some researchers that felt the need for more research. There
were not as comfortable about reporting statistics. But, they did see the
need for further probing.
Laws
I don’t know about any of you, but I am trying to figure out exactly what the
law says. Who does the law protect? Who is going to enforce these laws?
How do they monitor the students?
I need to stop, because, I’m somewhat ahead of myself. I’m going to share
with you the laws or policies in each country. Then we’ll discuss my torrent
of questions.
Laws and policies in the United States
The need for legal action against bullies occurred after the horrible tragedy
at Columbine High School, plus there have been several significant suicides
linked to bullies. These events triggered action on many states home
legislation.
Forty-six states have enacted legislation on bullying from 1999 to 2010.
Since then the last four states have all passed legislation against bullies.
However, that does not mean that these laws are effective. In fact, many
states had major short coming in their laws.
In fact the number of state with inadequate coverage and knowledge of how
to implement are staggering. But, it is not too hard to believe if you’ve
recently had bully issues in public schools. There are some states that have
covered all key point that the U. S. Department of education requires for
bully legislation.
Because of this being such a sensitive issue, there are going to be needs for
fine tunings. In fact, clarification of definitions needs to be the first step.
This cannot be treated as an all or nothing type of issue. Reform is needed.
Law and policies in the United Kingdom
The Education and Inspection Act of 2006 clearly explains what schools are
to do to control bullying. Section 89 of this act breaks it down even further
to cover events that occur off school property. Section 89 gives the power
of proper punishment to the head teacher.
The Equality Act of 2010 covers everything from race to sexual orientation.
It states that there should be a safe and harassment free environment for
everyone. This is designed to foster a positive educational experience for
everyone.
The head teacher is responsible for reporting any criminal activities to proper
authorities. This is where the laws of the real world fall into line with bullies.
The U. K. has this all outlined at www.education.gov.uk.
Laws and policies in Australia
Currently Australia does not have one piece of legislation about bullying.
This goes for either the state or commonwealth. There are some laws that
could be used or referenced in case of bullying:
o Equal Opportunity Act 1995
o Racial Discrimination Act 1975
o Sex Discrimination Act 1984
o Australian Human Rights Commission Act 1986
o Disability Discrimination Act 1992
o Occupational Health and Safety Act 2004
The Victorian government has required that all schools adopt an antibullying campaign. In August 2010 the schools came up with the policy
“Building Respectful and Safe School: A Resource for School Communities.”
This policy defines, outlines, and clarifies what schools and communities are
to do.
Every one of these countries has acknowledged that bullying is a problem.
They all know that something needs to be done to prevent, help, and punish
those involved. However it seems like the United Kingdom is the only one
that presented a united front on the policy.
In the United States there are too many places that have let the policy fall.
No one wants to take direct responsibility for singling out a bully or
punishing them. In fact, most educators will go out of their way to be a
good listener, but not punish the offending students.
As I have found a long list of lawsuits of bullying incidents in Australia, I
have a feeling things are not being handled well there either. In fact, I
pulled up a page on how to report bullying incidents to the police in
Australia. These two things lead me to believe that somewhere their policies
are not working.
No matter what country a bully lives in there has to be adequate
punishment. This is not something that is going to go away without
everyone uniting as one to say this behavior is not acceptable. There is no
“one size fits all” punishment approach to these situations. Many of these
bullies need help beyond the scope of the school. That is why it is important
to address each bullying situation individually.
Why children with Asperger’s can be targeted for
bullying…
Bullies target anyone who stands out from others. The combination of delay
in process, social issues, and communication difficulties makes your child an
easy target. The following are specific reasons children with Asperger’s are
targets for bullies:
1. Children with Asperger’s are extremely honest. They speak their
minds, and sometimes make comments and statements that are
provocative or offensive to others. Others may lash out against a child
with Asperger’s, leaving him wondering why he was attacked.
2. Their condition makes them highly gullible. Children with Asperger’s
are naïve to what is popular as far as music, hairstyles, and fashion
are concerned. This distinguished them from others.
3. Children with Asperger’s are socially isolated. They do not have a
network of friends or peers to help them understand when they are
the subject of bullying.
4. Children with Asperger’s generally blow up an event. When they tell
stories, children with Asperger’s may use extremes of any situation,
which draws attention to them.
5. Some children with Asperger’s have poor personal hygiene. For this
reason, they can be targeted and humiliated by bullies.
6. Some children with Asperger’s have poor motor skills. If they are
clumsy and off balance, they are defenseless targets for bullies.
How Can Bullying Impact Children with Asperger’s?
A child with Asperger’s that encounters bullying even once is left with the
scare of the event. Your child may replay the event repeatedly in his head.
The impact of just one incident may have a lasting impression on your
child's self-esteem. Try to imagine how daily or weekly bullying episodes
may affect your child. Here are a few of the impacts that bullying has on a
child with Asperger’s:
1. Increased anxiety levels
2. Refusal to attend school
3. Low self esteem
4. Low performance in school
5. Increased depression
6. Increased risk of suicide or self-harm
Ways to avoid or deal with bullies
* Enlist the aid of fellow students
This was one thing that every proposal I read had in common—involve ALL
students. In almost every single incident of bullying there were student
witnesses to the bullying. In some of those cases fellow students did come
forward to tell their version of events. However, in most cases students
chose to stand by and remain silent about offending events.
The fact is many bullies have already created fear among the students, and
in some cases, even in the teachers. Because these bullies come from
abusive homes, it intimidates a lot of people. Also, in many cases of these
bullies, they have spent numerous hours at alternative school with no
success. In the land of educators, not succeeding is not an option.
Therefore there has to be proper recourse for all people involved in bullying
incidents. That should include some kind of punishment for both students
and teachers that do not report incidents. If you stayed silent, you or the
teacher can become the bully’s next target.
* Buddy system
I’m going to compare this to the Secret Service, because this concept
reminds me of the Secret Service. All schools have students that everyone
respects and likes. Plus, many of these students would not mind helping out
a fellow student.
You pair a child with Asperger’s with this well like student to help their day
go smoother. The liked student can walk the child with Asperger’s to and
from classes; help out in the lunchroom and on the playground almost like
the Secret Service.
One lady that had Asperger’s said this was how she survived school. AT the
time she did not realize how much her friend did for her. It wasn’t until she
got out of school and heard what others had been through that she knew her
blessings.
In that case, her “Secret Service” was a longtime friend. Now that she
reflects on her time in school, she thinks that all those on the spectrum need
someone like she had in her life. She knows now what a difference her
friend made.
* School training on bullies and self-expression
Students know that there are bullies in their school. But maybe talking
about what a bully is, what could happen to bullies, and better ways to
express yourself are examples of how to handle the situation.
Several things that I read talk about how a bully lacks or needs something in
their life. A Lot of bullies come from a physically aggressive home life.
Those kinds of things do make me want to reach out and help these
children.
Part of an adequate program on bullies needs to involve some kind of
assistance for reform. There needs to be some kind of safe place for bullies
to get the correct attention. Because the number one thing that a bully
wants is attention.
* The Learning Community Together
All members of the school—students, faculty, staff, parents, and surrounding
community must unite to provide a positive environment for everyone.
Everyone is trained on what a bully is, how to identify one and who potential
targets are.
There HAS TO BE some form of punishment that is appropriate for the action
of the bully. This does not mean an “eye for an eye,” but that punishment is
designed to fit the “crime.” It could mean that an explanation of
punishment be explained.
This could be an excellent time to come up with alternate forms of
punishment and alternate forms of intervening authorities. In some
instances where bullying being such an overwhelming event, have more than
one person decide proper punishment. Having students involved in this
process would be important for them to see responsibilities to themselves
and others.
IMPORTANT—More than one person in books and articles said that ignoring
the bully does not work. In fact, sometimes, it can make things worse. I,
for one, paid close attention to this excuse I had told Noah too many times.
The fact is there are so many emotions involved in this entire event that so
many people with emotions running from anger, sadness, happiness, fear,
and so many others that the school needs to understand that a trip to the
principal’s office for punishment will not get rid of these emotions. If these
children are not sent home, which is the best choice, they need to be put
somewhere to calm down.
Role of the Parents by Becky King
For this parent the first time Noah got bullied, I made it through the phone
call from the principal and then I freaked out. But, Noah was ok and others
had witnessed the event, and school was almost over for the day. So, by
the time I got to school to pick Noah up, it was no big deal. He mentioned it
once and then never said any more. I never said any more.
Please do not misunderstand me; I made sure that Noah knew he could talk
to me at any time. He knows that he can talk to me about anything.
Sometime later the same day of the incident, Noah asked me why people do
things like that and I answered honestly that I did not know.
The thing we as parents have to deal with is the reality of our child’s school
setting. The make-up of the students and their families affect this. For
example, the school Noah used to attend had a very large number of
children that received free breakfast and lunch. Generally those were the
only meals they go during the day.
These are the type things our children would not and do not understand.
But as their parents we have to help them understand. Help them
understand that there are children that don’t have families like theirs and
that because of their home life; they act out in inappropriate ways.
11 things we can do to help our children are as follows:
1. Listen.
No matter what time of day or night be there to listen. We know that our
son or daughter processes things on their own time.
2. Do not confront the bully or their family.
The family situation could not be one that is healthy. Therefore it is best to
handle the situation through the school.
3. Be involved in the school
Being a part of the learning community is important. Just make sure that
you do not “crowd” your child.
4. Provide any necessary therapy or outside assistance they may need.
In cases of continued bullying your son or daughter might need to talk to
someone about depression. They need to know that they are not alone.
5. Ask them directly if they have been bullied.
Sometimes our son or daughter does not know how to tell us they are being
bullied. In fact as their parents we need to be alert to anything going on.
We have to notice them taking money to school, torn clothing, or any other
signs something might have happened. . Even if you do not suspect
bullying, you should talk to your child about what to do in these types of
situations. Ask leading questions to prepare your child for a bullying
situation. Here are a few questions that you can use when talking to your
child:
=> “Has this ever happened to you?”
=> “What would you do if this happened to you?”
=> “Have you ever witnessed this happening to someone?”
6. Find out what happened.
Since it is going to be hard to get our son or daughter to tell us what
happened, we are going to have to find out on our own.
7. Have something put in your child’s I. E. P.
It can sometimes be helpful to add something about bullies, especially if you
are aware of someone bothering them.
8. Enroll your child in martial arts class.
9. Praise your child for their brave actions. Talk to him about his
experiences. Let him know that he is not alone. Use specific praise, such as
“I like the way you walked away from the situation” or “I am proud of how
you told the bully to stop.” This will not only make him feel comfortable
talking to you about the situation, but it builds his self-esteem in the
process.
10. Monitor Internet usage. Bullies use the Internet as a way to get to your
child. They abuse chat rooms and social media sites to target your child.
Make sure that you monitor their usage and know who their friends are on
the chartrooms and social media sites.
11. Find a counselor or therapist for your child. Counselors and therapist
provide a safe environment for children to talk about their problems. There
is no one in the room to judge them for what they say or do. Counselors
and therapist can offer coping skills to help your child with bullying.
These are just a few ways that we can help our children. There are other
options to help, you just have to look.
7 Tips for Bullied Children
The first thing that children with Asperger’s need to remember is that there
is nothing wrong with them. It may seem to them that they are targeted for
this reason, bit this is not true. Bullies target those who they feel they have
power over. You child may be the target on day, and someone else may be
the target the next day. No one deserves to be bullied. Here are a few
helpful tips for children with Asperger’s who are on the receiving end of
bullying:
1. Always tell someone if you are being bullied. There is no way for
anyone to know that bullying is going on in most cases unless children
tell someone about it. Adults and parents are the best people to tell
because they can do something about it. If bullying takes place at
school, and your child is afraid to tell someone, they should be
encouraged to talk to a parent so that the adult can take care of the
issue.
2. Travel in groups. This may be a hard thing to do for a child with social
issues. Generally, children with Asperger’s have someone who shares
their special interest, so this person is the perfect person to help.
Traveling with at least one other person with an assertive personality
can prevent bullying.
3. Children with Asperger’s should use assertive words when bullying
takes place. Children should use a forceful voice when talking to a
bully. Here are a few examples of what to say:
a. “Don't speak to me that way.”
b. “I don't have to listen to this.”
c. “Stop it.”
d. “Your words mean nothing to me.”
e. “Your attempt to humiliate me isn't working.”
4. Practice what you will do in your mind. Children with Asperger’s can
use scenarios to combat bullying. Create a situation in your mind, or
use a previous bullying situation to decide on a plan of action. Practice
situations with your parents or friends so that you know what to do
when the time comes. There is nothing like being prepared.
5. Walk away from the situation. A bully wants you to become upset and
give in to their request. When you see the bully approaching you, turn
around, and walk in the opposite direction. Find a buddy or an adult
to talk to about the situation.
6. Get rid of the incentive for bullying. Bullies sometimes target others
because they have something the bully wants. For example, if you
have a watch or a music player that the bully wants, you should leave
those items at home so that the bully has no reason to target you.
7. Release your anger. Bullies like the fact that they can anger others.
Part of the thrill is watching others build their anger. Talk to someone
as a way to get rid of your anger. Your parents, a friend, and
counselor are great people to talk to about an issue. You may even
want to use a journal to put your words on paper. Don't keep your
anger inside of you.
Real Life Example
Here’s an example of how one mom who commented on
www.parentingaspergers.com/blog helped her son deal with bullying. She
wrote:
“My 7yr old son is in a mainstream school with small classes & doing well,
however, there is a boy who started physically hurting him on the
playground… I showed Daniel how to draw an imaginary circle around
himself and to tell the boy if he steps into his “personal space” again and
touch him, that he would have to tell me & that I would contact his parents
and the school principle in order to sort out his behavior. It has been 2
weeks and the boy is leaving Daniel alone!”
Sources – Comments section of
http://parentingaspergers.com/blog/education/how-to-help-your-aspergerschild-with-bullying/
What should you expect the school to do about bullying?
Many schools have anti-bullying policies that detail specific consequences for
offenders. Parents should make sure that the teachers and administrators
are aware of the bullying incidents so that the bully can be receiving
punishment. You should also expect your child's school to have an antibullying campaign that teaches children about the horrors of bullying. If
children and adults are made aware of signs and consequences of bulling,
hopefully, many children can be saved from bullying.
Conclusion
An article I recently read on Yahoo.com today was about a young woman
who overcame her bullies and became homecoming queen at her school.
She was a beautiful young lady and the article talked about how many
people had helped her get to where she is today. It was an amazing story
how children can get away from bullies.
This article hit home, as with so many of the other articles that I read over
the last few years. I’ve read articles about adults who were bullied so badly
in their jobs that they had to quit their jobs. One article talked about how a
company changed their mind about hiring a woman because she had
Asperger’s.
No one likes a bully. They come in all shapes and sizes. However, I’ve
found that many of “historically famous” bullies (and everyday bullies) are
usually short. They need two or three other more intimidating people to
make them look “tough.” They are not capable of being the commanding
presences that they think they feel they ought to be.
I don’t want to say that bullies are everywhere, but unfortunately they are
everywhere! However, more and more the world is becoming aware of
bullies and how to deal with them. People are standing up and saying, we
are not going to be bullied anymore! Communities around the world are
joining with schools and businesses to make sure that bullies everywhere
are that people are not going to put up their behavior.
I see bullies as lost souls; those who are always searching for something
better, but never being able to find something better. They are not happy
with themselves, therefore they are going to try and make the world around
them unhappy. This unhappiness that they continue to spread is an attempt
to make them feel comfortable.
References
www.education.gov.uk Section on Preventing and Tackling Bullying
“Children With Autism Are Often Targeted By Bullies” by Jon Hamilton from
www.npr.org/blogs/health
“Survey finds 63% of children with autism bullied” by Ryan Jaslow from
www.cbsnews.com
“Why Autistic Children Are Bullied More—And Bully In Return” by Alice G.
Walton from www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton
“Autism, Identity and Employment: Transcending the Obstacles of the
Working World” by Valerie Paradiz, PH.D. from Autism Advocate First Edition
2009.
www.ed.gov/ Section on “U.S. Education Department Releases Analysis of
State Bullying Laws and Policies”
www.lawhandbook.org.au/handbook/ch06s03s03.php “Bullying and Assault”
by Reeta Verma
www.police.nsw.gov.au/ Section on “Bullying at School”
The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome by Tony Attwood
Bonus Section – 9 real life parents questions on bullying
answered
Question 1. How can I help my child deal with bullies and survive
independently in school without considering suicide?
Children with Asperger's Syndrome are often the subject of bullying in the
school setting. Some experts believe that the percentage of bullying among
children on the Autism spectrum is near one hundred percent. If asked,
many parents will tell you that bullying is a major concern on a daily basis,
which validates the numbers and percentages.
Have you ever been bullied? Imagine the discomfort it must cause a child
who already struggles with anxiety and possibly, depression. The struggles
brought on by bullying can easily lead to thoughts of suicide. It truly is a
vicious cycle. As parents, it can be difficult to know the extent of discomfort
the children are enduring. It can also be difficult to understand the full
scope of emotional scarring and trauma. As the child's main source of
support, parents of children with Asperger's Syndrome really need to be on
top of their game. Here are some ideas that may help you.
Keep the lines of communication open with your child. Make it a point to
talk about everyday life. Some of the best conversations happen while in the
car. In this setting the child is not pressured by eye contact and is able to
relax a bit. Not to mention that there is no way to escape!
Make a point to stay connected with your child's school administration. An
occasional, friendly email to your child's teacher, therapist, or special
education teacher can create an opening for you later when you need
intervention.
If your child seems especially bothered by talking to you, perhaps talking
to someone a little more impersonal will help. A school counselor or a private
therapist can listen without the emotional charge of parenting. Rest assured
that a professional counselor will act in the face of true danger.
Bullying is finally getting the attention it deserves. Find books or videos
geared to the Autism community learn how best to handle school bullies.
One such book is Asperger Syndrome and Bullying: Strategies and Solutions
by Nick Dubin.
Many schools now have an Anti-bullying policy in effect. While these policies
will not eliminate all bullying, they do send a positive message, both within
the school population as well as the community as a whole. Your child must
know his school's policy on bullying situations, including what to do if he is a
victim. If there is no such policy at your child's school, perhaps you can
encourage the school to develop an anti-bullying policy.
Question 2. What can I do to help him when he is made fun of when
he gets teen years for his body movements?
Many children get teased while they are in school by their peers. The
children that participate in this type of activity usually have some sort of
self-esteem issue, or they have the need to hurt or control others because
someone has made them feel this way at some point in their lives. There
are many ways that you can approach this situation to help your son stay
clear of teasing.
Many parents of children with Asperger’s have the same worry that you
have. The body movements that your child experiences can come at any
given time. Children with Asperger’s have no control of these involuntary
body movements so it is common that they happen at varying times. One of
the best ways to gain some control over these movements is to get your son
involved in integrated movement therapy. This form of therapy uses
movement and yoga to improve a number of areas, including the nervous
system. The nervous system controls body movement. Integrated
movement therapy can help your son strengthen his nervous system using a
holistic approach instead of using medications to help the issue. Check
locally for therapists who offer integrated movement therapy.
Children with Asperger’s often have a close friendship with one of their peers
at school. This individual usually helps them while they are at school and in
the neighborhood. This individual may also prevent them from getting
teased. Children are less likely to tease your son if he is in the company of
another child. Make sure that your son spends some of his free time at
school with this person. Having a buddy around can mean the difference
between a day with no problems and a day with issues.
Teasing is a form of bullying and should not be tolerated. Check with your
son's school to find out what their rules are on bullying. Some schools have
an area where students can slip in anonymous notes for school personnel to
let them know that bully is taking place. Your son's school may have strict
rules against bullying, which means that students who participate in this
type of activity can suffer serious consequences such as suspension from
school.
On a positive note, many of your son's peers may not tease him about the
behavior when he gets to high school. Many of his peers may come to
expect his movements from being around him over the years. His peers
may get to a point where they do not even notice the movement anymore,
and when the movement does happen, they will likely not even respond to
it.
Question 3. How can I teach a child with Asperger's how to
differentiate between bullying and others who are just joking
around?
For children with Asperger’s, bullying is a huge problem. Unfortunately, the
problem is often much bigger than parents and teachers realize. Bullying
happens to children of all ages, especially those who seem different in some
way. It is believed that nearly all children with Asperger's are bullied at
some point during their school years.
Due to some of the characteristics of children with Asperger's, bullying can
happen without the child realizing he is being bullied. The lack of social
skills and social communication is a major contributor. It is difficult to
understand that you are the topic of a joke if you are unable to distinguish
the joke in the first place. The child may misinterpret the bully's intentions
because he is unable to read his body language or facial expressions. In
many cases, the child with Asperger's Syndrome understands exactly what is
happening but is unable to break the rules and stand up for himself.
It is good that you are showing concern for your child with Asperger's.
Bullying damages a child's self esteem and can cause a host of physical and
emotional disturbances. Teaching your child to recognize a true bully will be
difficult due to the simple fact that all bullies are people and people are
different. However, there are some skills areas you can work on that will
help your child learn to identify problem students.
Social skills are very important in all areas of your child's life. By learning
how to relate to his peers and how to make and keep friends, your child's
ability to identify bullies will improve. There are many resources available
for parents to use at home to teach social skills. You can find books and
videos on the Internet and at your public library. Social skills training
classes at school or in the community will also help.
Developing stronger language skills in the area of social language can
help the situation. A speech therapist can work with your child to show him
how to have a two-way conversation, understanding or comprehending the
social cues of others, and how to pick up on sarcasm, metaphors, and jokes.
Again, if you do not have access of private therapy, you can find printed
resources and recordings for use in the home. Another home therapy tip is
to use a mirror to teach your child different facial expressions and social
gestures.
Schools often use peer buddies for modeling of behavior and also for
protection; bullies are less likely to attack when the child has a friend with
him.
When it comes to Asperger's, bullying should be a priority of your child's
school administration. A strong anti-bullying policy should be in place and
should be strictly reinforced. Contact your child's teacher, school counselor,
or the principal to discuss the school's policy.
Question 4. Why are children with Asperger's so easily influenced by
others in terms of gullibility, trouble with self-protection, and
identifying bullies?
Children with Asperger's Syndrome often have a difficult time when placed in
peer group situations. For example, it has been reported that nearly all
children with Asperger's will be bullied at some point during their school
career. Many are bullied constantly. Since children with Asperger's are
usually very intelligent, you cannot help but wonder why they struggle so
with gullibility, falling into the clutches of bullies. Here are some reasons.
Children with Asperger's have weak social skills, but the desire to have
social interaction is strong.
Unable to sort through social cues, gestures, and appropriate personal
space, the child relies on others to treat him with respect.
The child may be considered immature for his age and naïve, without the
ability to judge the intentions of his peers.
Lacking in social communication skills, the child may not understand a
joke or sarcasm, especially if he is the object of negative attention.
Because of these social weaknesses, children with Asperger's do fall victim
to bullying and other negative influences. However, there are some natural
strengths that may sometimes offset these social weaknesses when it comes
to negative influences.
A strong sense of right and wrong keeps many children on the right path.
The child may have trouble with injustice and lying because of this.
Concrete thinking, seeing things as either black or white can be a benefit
when dealing with people of questionable intent.
The child may have a deep desire to follow set rules and they also may
have trouble with others who do not follow the rules.
Unfortunately, children with Asperger's often fall victim to negative
situations in spite of their natural strengths. The difficulties with social
communication are probably the biggest obstacle the child will face when it
comes to positive peer interaction. By making social skills training a top
priority for your child at a young age, you can be optimistic about your
child's school experience.
Question 5. How can I help my child in managing conflict, teasing
and bullying
Problems can arise when a child with Asperger’s does not get their way,
when someone teases or bullies them, or when they do not understand
something. Conflict is impossible to avoid completely, but there are ways to
reduce the amount of conflict that your child encounters.
• Role-play is a great way to teach conflict management skills. Create
situations that your child may face, such as bulling and teasing, and provide
them with options to use when these situations arise. Encourage them to
create their own conflict resolution tip as you progress in your role-play.
• Find a buddy with strong social skills to assist your child. A child who
attends school with your child or someone that is in the majority of your
child's classes makes an excellent buddy. Their buddy can assist them with
managing conflict. This friend can be someone that they go to when they do
not understand a situation or when they do not know how to handle a
situation.
• Encourage greater communication in your child. Teach them to
communicate with you and the school personnel if a conflict arises. Ask
them to express their feelings about situation so that you and your child can
figure out ways to reduce problematic situations. Make sure that they feel
comfortable with reporting information to adults. You may want to introduce
people that they can go to if they have a problem so that a solution is within
reach.
Question 6. How can my son with Asperger’s cope with feeling left
out and not included in school?
Children with Asperger's Syndrome often find the school environment to be a
negative experience. The lack of social and communication skills interfere
with everything from classroom learning to recess on the playground. The
difficulties your son experiences in these areas severely affect his ability to
make and keep friends, to control and balance his behavior, and to prevent
bullying and isolation. It is hard to cope with these situations.
Strong coping skills are necessary for children with Asperger’s Syndrome.
Even though the skills will not come easily, it is important that you find ways
to teach your son to cope with these negative feelings. Some people will
suggest counseling, behavioral therapy, or medication. While these are all
great options that are highly affected, there are things you can do at home
with a little help from the Internet or books at your local library. Here are a
few examples.
* You can use social stories to teach coping skills and a whole lot more.
Social stories are short, simple stories, usually illustrated, that convey how a
situation or activity should progress. You can find books of social stories on
the Internet, at your local library, or you can write your own. By reading
and practicing social stories with your son consistently, you can teach him
how to respond to many situations.
* One-on-one modeling of appropriate skills in different situations can be
very effective with children of all ages. Similar to role playing or ‘acting',
modeling allows the parent to play out situations with their child in the form
of a skit. This helps the child see how certain situations can be handled in
different ways.
* Books like “Parenting Your Asperger Child: Individualized Solutions for
Teaching Your Child Practical Skills” by Alan Sohn and Cathy Grayson, offer
hope and help in this area for parents of children with Asperger's Syndrome.
This book specifically addresses replacing poor coping techniques with
appropriate skills. You can find this book and many more at your local
bookstore or library.
It is possible to help your son cope with feeling left out. However, if your
efforts seem to stall or if he is still struggling, you may have to take further
steps to teach him to cope. The above mentioned therapies and medication
may be necessary and should never be totally discounted. Talk to your son's
physician about medical or mental health services that are appropriate for
your son's needs.
Question 7. How should I help my son with Asperger’s who I suspect
is being bullied at school, but school officials are not saying too
much about it?
As a child with Asperger's Syndrome, your son is very susceptible to bullying
by others. Being just a little different can be devastating in the school
setting. Your son is an intelligent person, but those struggles with sensory
issues and social skills make him stand out. The other kids do not
understand what this means, so they take advantage.
Fortunately, most school systems have strong anti-bullying policies.
Unfortunately, these policies are difficult to enforce. In your case, you
suspect the bullying and the school is taking the common neutral stance. In
some instances, teachers and coaches tolerate bullying, even with these
policies in place. Therefore, sometimes the people, who could lend validity to
your claim-teachers, students, and your son-are unwilling to admit what's
happening or that they have allowed the bullying.
Even so, you should step in and voice your concerns. The way you handle
things can with your son's school officials will determine the results. Here
are 5 tips to get you started.
1. Request a meeting with your son's teachers to discuss the matter at
hand. You have placed your son's education in the hands of these
people. You must trust that they will bring professionalism and care to
the table, as you will.
2. Make your concerns known in writing. Follow up your meeting with a
letter so you have tangible proof of the meeting and the results.
Better yet, make the meeting an official IEP meeting.
3. Keep a calm demeanor and a team mindset. State your cause of
distress without anger or accusation. You all have one thing in
common-the education and best interests of your child.
4. State your reasons for believing there is a problem. Your son's
physical and/or emotional symptoms will give you insight on what is
happening at school. His teachers should be made aware of the
effects.
5. Never give up; never surrender! If you feel these steps have been
unsuccessful, move up to the next tier of control. Do not stop until
you feel the matter has been handled properly. You can do this
without malice or ill will and you can involve local law enforcement if
necessary.
A big part of parenting a child with Asperger's Syndrome is advocacy.
Bullying negatively affects your son and your family. You must be the
advocate your son needs to guarantee his personal safety.
Question 8. It is a well known fact that autistic and Asperger’s
children are more susceptible to teasing, taunting, and bullying. I
am a parent with an 8 year old child who has Asperger’s; he is being
bullied on the school bus. After several complaints to the bus
garage, the bullying on the bus still continues. I was wondering, as
a parent, what are my son’s rights? We are supposed to have an
anti-bullying policy, but if you call the school, they say they are not
responsible for this. Since this has been a problem for many
children, I am wondering if you know of some parents who have
experienced the same problem or any organizations that may be
able to help. Is there more that I should be doing in order to make
sure that this stops?
A National Institute of Child Health and Human Development study found
that 30% of students ages 10-16 reported being bullies or victims. The
Center for Disease Control and Prevention reports that 60% of bullies have
criminal records by the time they’re 20.
Your first step is to see if anti-bullying law exists in your country or state
and get a copy of the law. Your child’s rights are contained in these laws.
Many states have anti-bullying laws that should contain the following:
1) The word "bullying" must be used in the bill/law/statutes. Some other
words being used are, "hate crimes" harassment, discrimination, or
intimidation.
2) The law must be an anti-bullying law, not a school safety law. Antibullying laws discuss individual student rights and personal safety; not
building safety.
3) There must be definitions of bullying and harassment. Defining victims
is not important; any child can be a bullying victim and all children should be
protected.
4) There should be recommendations on content of the model policy and
how it will be implemented. Log on to: www.bullypolice.org/wa_law.html)
for more information.
5) An effective law involves education specialists at all levels, i.e.; the
State Superintendent of Education’s office, school district and school
personnel, parents and students.
6)
A good law mandates anti-bullying programs, using the word “shall.”
7)
Laws should include a date when policies must be in effect.
8) There must be consequences for reprisal, retaliation, or false
accusations and procedures for reporting bullying anonymously.
9) There must be school district protection against lawsuits. Parents of
bullies should know that they can be sued for their child’s behavior and
school districts should know that they can be sued if they fail to comply with
anti-bullying law.
10) A top rated law will provide counseling for bullying victims.
11) There must be accountability reports made to lawmakers. Someone
needs to keep track of what's happening in each school and school district
when complying with an anti bullying law.
Step two is to understand that if the school or school district pays the bus
company to transport students, the bus company is considered part of the
school and is, therefore, bound by the same laws. If the school won’t deal
with the bus company, get a child advocate or attorney and take steps to
see that they do.
The vast majority of schools have disciplinary policies to address this type of
misconduct. Even if the policy does not include the word "bullying,” the
conduct is included in the policy, as well as in criminal law regarding assault,
threats/menacing, intimidation, and disorderly conduct. Know the school
policies that protect students from harassment, bullying, and physical
violence. Get copies and hold the school accountable, using legal means, if
necessary. If the school principal will not address the problem, speak to the
School Board, publicly stating what is happening. You will get a response.
If you know of other bullying victims, get their parents to work with you.
Notify the police if your child is assaulted. Get a restraining order so that
the bully is required by law to have no contact with your child. Take legal
action.
Children who are bullied experience low self-esteem and depression and
those doing the bullying may go on to more serious crimes. Bullying takes
place in every school. The children most likely to experience bullying are
aged 10-13. Boys are more likely to be involved than girls. If your child
needs counseling, be sure to get it for him.
There are 6 types of bullying:
1. Physical - hitting, kicking, stealing or damaging things belonging to the
victim;
2. Verbal - name-calling, taunting, insulting;
3. Emotional - shunning, spreading gossip, teasing;
4. Sexual - unwanted physical contact or sexually abusive or inappropriate
remarks;
5. Racist - racial slurs, offensive gestures, or making jokes about race,
gender, etc.
6. Cyber - spreading hurtful images and/or messages via email or in chat
rooms.
The fear of bullies gets in the way of learning and makes going to school a
nightmare. Being bullied makes children feel lonely, unhappy. and scared.
Bullied children may develop stomach aches, nightmares, nervousness, and
anxiety.
7 more warning signs that a child is being bullied:
1. inventing illnesses to avoid school;
2. “lost” belongings or money;
3. sleeping problems;
4. bedwetting;
5. irritability or depression;
6. poor concentration;
7. problems with schoolwork.
Be sure that your child knows to tell you right away when he is bullied.
Warn him against being aggressive or provoking the bully. Help him practice
being assertive and not showing fear. Encourage your child to stick with
friends at all times. Also warn him against trying to appease the bully, for
example, if the bully says he should steal something and then they’ll be
friends, your son should know to refuse. Your son should also know that if
he gets involved in a fight, he may be suspended or expelled, even if he was
defending himself. Be absolutely sure that your son understands that he
must never bring a weapon to school, even for protection.
Question 9. My son moved to secondary school last year & has
problems. He was bullied to the extent that he would not get the
school bus to school so my husband takes him each morning but we
have always told him that he will start getting the bus again for his
2nd year. I know when the time comes, he will panic and not want
to travel on the bus but if we give in and drive him to school, then it
will be even harder to get him on the bus again. Any advice on how
to handle the stress of this situation?
Bullying causes great stress and anxiety in children with Asperger’s
Syndrome. Bullying is so common that some specialists feel the number of
children with Asperger’s who experience it is near 100%. Children with
Asperger’s are easy targets since they are just different enough to draw the
attention of bullies. Most schools have strong policies regarding bullying,
but it is difficult to enforce these policies. Due to communication deficits
common in children with Asperger’s, teachers and parents may never realize
a child is being bullied unless they happen to ask an exact question.
As you have discovered, being aware of the situation does not guarantee a
positive solution. Your son’s bullying experience causes him great stress
and anxiety and threatens his well-being. He has to learn to deal with stress
brought on by negative experiences or he will struggle in life. Here are
some thoughts on handling this situation.
*
School administration meeting
Request a meeting with your son’s school staff. Every incidence of bullying
should be brought to their attention. Make a formal complaint and ask that
the school help find a solution to the bullying problem on your son’s bus.
*
Therapy and medication
These incidents have affected your son in a negative way. He may benefit
from individual therapy and/or medications that relieve symptoms of stress,
anxiety, and panic.
*
IEP adjustment
Adjustments can be made to your son’s individualized education plan (IEP)
at any time. Call for a revision meeting. It may be possible for your son to
have an aide ride the bus. If this is not possible, ask for suggestions and
keep meeting until the team makes a recommendation that satisfies the
situation.
*
Adaptation
In the meantime, begin to make a plan of adaptation. Perhaps your son will
agree to ride the bus one time a week. With each successful ride, his
confidence will grow. Continue to add bus trips to each weekly schedule. It
may take a while, but a slow transition may be possible, depending on the
bullying situation.
*
Weighing the risks
If all else fails, you may decide that giving your son a ride to school each
day is a small price to pay for his comfort and emotional health. It may be
inconvenient, but weigh the pros and cons and decide what is best in this
instance.
It is difficult to find balance when parenting a child with Asperger’s
Syndrome. Your instinct is to protect your child in all situations and in many
cases, it is appropriate. Bullying should never be treated dismissively.