1. society
2. dating

Online: VolcanoConfidence.com
The
Natural’s Way
How To Ignore The Usual
Dating Advice And Win
The Girl By Being Yourself
Phantom
The Natural's Way
How To Ignore All The Dating
Advice And Win The Girl By Being
Yourself
By Phantom
© 2013, All Rights Reserved.
Table Of Contents
Why This Book Was Written…And How It's Different ....................... 3
Why Everything You Need To Know Is NOT Included ...................... 5
How To Use This Book .............................................................. 10
PART I: BEING WHO YOU NEED TO BE
Chapter 1: The Attractive Man................................................... 16
Chapter 2: Why Are Women So Attracted To Confidence .............. 20
Chapter 3: How To Get Confident - In About 10 Minutes ............... 23
Chapter 4: Beliefs .................................................................... 35
Chapter 5: Nine Natural's Beliefs ............................................... 51
Chapter 6: Eliminating Fear And Approach Anxiety....................... 59
Chapter 7: Understanding Women ............................................. 80
Chapter 8: Look The Part .......................................................... 85
Chapter 9: Live Your Life .......................................................... 94
PART II: DOING WHAT YOU NEED TO DO
Pre-step: Go Where The Women Are .........................................103
STEP 1: Say Something ...........................................................105
STEP 2: Keep Saying Something...............................................111
STEP 3: Play ..........................................................................119
Step 4: LEAD To The Next Step ................................................136
Do It All Over Again ................................................................142
Legal Stuff...Just To Be Clear
This book is copyright 2013, with all rights reserved. It is illegal to
copy, distribute, or create derivative works from this book in whole or
in part, or to contribute to the copying, distribution, or creating of
derivative works of this book. When you purchased this book, you
agreed to the following:
"©2013, All Rights Reserved. You are not permitted to copy, steal, or
distribute all or any part of my book without permission. By purchasing
this book, you agree to the following: You understand that the information
contained in this book is an opinion and it should be used for personal
entertainment purposes only. You are responsible for your own behavior,
and none of this book is to be considered legal or personal advice."
Now that we’re finished with the legal stuff, let’s learn about how to be
a natural around women.
:: 3 ::
Why This Book Was Written…And How It's
Different
This isn't the first or the last book on dating success. During the last
several years, there was an explosion of books written on the topic of
dating.
So what makes this book so different from any other out there?
If you study any of the books written for dating success, you'll quickly
discover that most authors made dating seem much more COMPLEX than
it really is.
Most books go into so much detail in telling you what to do, that it can
make your head spin.
But what if you just want to start a conversation with a girl behind the
counter and get a date?
Do you really need all that information?
Now, I do want to acknowledge all the people teaching dating for
taking the effort and time to study this in depth, and provide us with the
knowledge of what's really happening.
But is getting a girl to go on a date with you and have fun really THAT
difficult and complex?
:: 4 ::
Why Everything You Need To Know Is NOT
Included
If you could remember when you first started learning how to walk,
you would probably remember how you took your first step – and then fell
on your butt – several times.
What you probably wouldn't remember is how your parents gave you a
motivational seminar with a slide show presentation on how to take one
step, and then the next, and then the next.
You didn't get that. None of us has.
We didn't learn to walk by listening to hours of explanation on how to
step and transfer our weight on one leg, then to move and to transfer the
weight on the other etc.
No.
We all learned to walk by:
1. Observing how others did it and
2. Doing it for ourselves, until we finally could do it.
But the traditional dating advice does just that – it wants to teach you
how to date by giving you EVERY piece of information available out there.
But the thing is, you don't need to know EVERYTHING.
Self-correction process
You see, there is this thing called the natural self-correction
process. And the natural self correction process is how your body
NATURALY self corrects itself to reach a desired outcome.
Just like when you were a baby – you kept trying to take those steps,
and by trial and error your body self-corrected itself until you knew how to
walk without falling.
And the reason is because you body somehow already KNOWS what
you need to know.
And it’s the same with dating. You ALREADY know what you need to
know to get a date.
:: 5 ::
And let me show you how this is true.
Think of all the people that had to figure out how to get a date for you
to show up.
From your parents, grandparents, grand-grandparents, and all the way
up to your ancestors far in the past.
They ALL had to learn how to get a date.
And when you were born, you got their DNA.
Your DNA is basically a formula for your body… if somebody would
want to create somebody who is exactly like you, they would only need a
piece of your hair, and from that they would be able to extract your DNA
and duplicate you – just like they did it with a sheep.
Your DNA stores all of the information that your ancestors learned.
This information comes out in a form of an INSTINCT.
With your DNA, you inherited all the information about how to get a
DATE from your ancestors.
So all the knowledge about how to get the girl is already inside of
you in the form of an INSTINCT.
If you allow your body to follow it's natural instinct for speaking with
women, a lot of dating information that you *think* you need just won't
be necessary.
Your BODY will give you the answers through the self-correction
process.
So for instance, if you feel anxiety about starting a conversation with a
girl you like, once you start talking with her – that self-correction process
will kick in and the anxiety will slowly fade away.
Why?
Because the body is realizing, "Ok, there's no bear or a lion chasing
me. So the anxiety I'm producing is not necessary, let me tone it down a
bit and let the man get a date!"
So the self-correction process is going to do the work for you.
However, one thing will surely stop this process from working, and it's
called…
:: 6 ::
Interference
What is interference?
When I was a kid, we had a satellite dish at our house. When the
weather was fine, the picture was fine as well, because it had no
interference. However, if the weather was bad, the picture would get
distracted because of the interference it was getting during the process of
receiving the signal.
Just as the satellite dish is receiving the picture through a process,
your mind and body are working with the same process. Your body is
sending a signal and your mind receives it and vice versa.
This internal process works perfectly in harmony. However, we
interfere.
The need for information
A common mistake I see many guys make when they want to become
better with women, is they try to learn as much theory as they possibly
can.
They fill up their mind with every possible detail of what they should
do in every situation.
But guys who do that usually become masters in theoretically
understanding this, but they never DO what they learn.
The reason being because, when you want to know every detail of
everything, or you want to know too much, you're causing the "bad
weather", and you're interfering with the signal of your body, that already
knows what to do.
And this paralyzes your body from DOING it.
So, the information doesn't help us. The information actually damages
us.
Clogging the process
Let me give you a metaphor for you to grasp this idea better. Your car
engine needs an OPTIMUM amount of oil to function properly. If it has less
than needed, it can cause engine damage. If it has more than needed,
then that will CLOG the engine, causing it to BREAK.
:: 7 ::
I remember making my first camping fire as a kid. I did everything I
thought I needed to do. I brought the best and biggest wood and laid it all
on a pile. But when I tried to start the fire, the fire would quickly diminish
and stop burning.
I later discovered that, if you want the fire to start, it's important to
put JUST ENOUGH WOOD on the pile. If you throw every piece of wood
you can find on a pile, and then you try to set it on, you will suffocate the
fire.
And just like too much wood suffocates the fire and too much oil clogs
the engine, too much information clogs the brain and body from
doing what they already know how to do.
So what's the solution?
Trust
The SOLUTION to not clogging the process of self-correction when fear
kicks in, is TRUST.
What is trust?
Trust means that you don’t have any evidence about something, but
you still believe it. Now your rational mind can’t understand how can you
believe that something is there, even though you don’t have the evidence
in front of you.
So you try to CONTROL the process of learning this.
But when you trust that your body already knows the answers, you're
giving oxygen to the part that already KNOWS.
You don't try to INTERFERE with excess information or the need to
know EVERYTHING.
So if you want the self-correction process to work for you, you HAVE to
GIVE UP CONTROL.
And this can be hard.
But if you can let go and trust that your body that it has all the
answers, the answers will come to you.
In this book, I will give you tools to help you eliminate your anxiety
about approaching a woman.
:: 8 ::
I will teach you how to be confident in front of ANY woman, no matter
how hot she is, and I will give you the specifics on how to start and keep a
conversation going.
But as you're reading through this and learning these tools I want you
to remember this:
You already have everything you need to know stored inside of
you. Have the GUTS to trust your body to give you the answers
that you’re looking for.
To conclude this introduction, let me give you an analogy.
Imagine there is a GIANT within you.
And this giant inside you knows everything that you think you need. It
has ALL the answers.
But here’s the problem.
The giant is asleep.
How are you going to wake him up?
Awakening the Giant
You might try screaming at him, yelling, pleading – but it won't work.
There is only one way for the giant to wake up. And that way is for you
to PUT yourself in the situation that you want to be good at, and trust that
this giant will give you the answers you need.
This will awaken him.
To make it clear, if you want to become better with women, GO where
the women are, and start TALKING with them – and as you do, allow your
body to wake the giant inside of you.
So let's start this journey of awakening your giant.
:: 9 ::
How To Use This Book
This book has 2 parts.
The first part talks about who you need to BE. This is the inner
game, the stuff you need to work on inside yourself before you go out to
meet women.
The second part shows you what you need to DO. This is the
outer game, the how-to, and the specifics on how to talk to women.
I want you to follow a simple sequence, not just for learning how to
become more successful with women, but for everything which you want
in life.
The sequence is this:
BE - DO - HAVE
First step to anything you want to do is to first become who you need
to be.
If you want to lead people, you need to become a LEADER. If you want
to do business, you need to become a businessperson. If you want to run
a marathon, you need to become a runner.
But who do you need to become if you want to be more successful with
dating women?
You need to become YOU – the NATURAL you.
You probably agree that right now, you're not your natural self around
women. You probably behave different with women then you behave
with your friends.
Maybe you're tenser, maybe you think that you have to pretend to be
someone else to get her to like you…maybe you have some feelings of
inferiority etc.
But that’s not the real you.
You see, when you were born, you only had 2 instinctive fears. One of
them was the fear of HEIGHTS, and the other was fear of LOUD NOISES.
You’ve learned all the other fears throughout your life. They’re not a
part of who you are naturally.
:: 10 ::
So to be a NATURAL you, you need to get rid of a lot of stuff that just
isn’t the REAL you.
Makes sense?
Imagine it this way – imagine yourself as a bright, shiny diamond – as
corny as this sounds.
But over the years, you’ve covered up that diamond with a lot of stuff
that have no place being there. Stuff like limiting beliefs, doubt, and fear.
And my goal in the first part of this book is to lead you through a
process of getting rid of what isn’t you – so you can become your
NATURAL you.
And once you get rid of the stuff that are limiting you from being your
natural self, then you need to start DOING.
The thing that you need to do is to go out and actually MEET
women.
I know, profound.
But doing means starting conversations with women, keeping the
conversation going, showing them that you want to be more than just
friends…, etc.
And that’s what the second part of this book is about.
When it comes to DOING and meeting women, there are 3 main stages
you want to go through.
Stage I: Get over yourself about saying something
The first stage you need to go through is getting over yourself about
saying something to a woman, or approaching her.
In this stage, you need to get over your own fears, anxieties, and
excuses.
I'm going to give you some tools that will make this stage very easy
for you, but even the best tools won't help you, if you don't understand
that you have the responsibility, to deal with everything that comes up.
:: 11 ::
If you don't know what I mean by this, go out and try to approach a
beautiful woman. If you can't make yourself to do it, then that's what I
mean.
You can try all the techniques, but when you get in front of that girl
and you want to open your mouth to say something…you’re going to feel
uncomfortable…and you’ll have to find the courage deep inside yourself to
step up and say “Hi”.
And I can’t do that for you – you have to do it.
After you get over yourself, there is the next stage.
Stage II: Get over the initial conversation
When you manage to get over yourself and your excuses about
approaching a woman and starting a conversation with her, the next stage
is getting over that initial conversation.
You did it. You were looking at her for half an hour, and you finally got
enough guts to do it to go over and say something.
Now what?
How do you keep that conversation going?
What if you get stuck, and can’t think of anything to say?
In this second part of the book, I will lay out for you everything you
need to know about continuing that conversation after the initial "Hi".
Again, this will be frustrating for you. It will take practice; it will take
you working on it. It's your responsibility. Get over this stage.
Stage III: Get over taking it to the next level
After you deal with continuing that initial conversation, the third stage
is the stage of taking it to the next level.
You had a great conversation. She obviously likes you and you like her.
She's smiling.
How do you ask her out?
What if you want to show her that you want to be MORE than JUST
friends?
:: 12 ::
What if you want to kiss her after the date, but you don't know how to
go about it?
I'm going to show you exactly how you do each of these steps later in
the book. But this is the final stage.
Can This Book Really Help You?
I've spent the last 7 years studying this… and in the course of my
research, I read every book I could find on dating, on human psychology
and influence and persuasion.
I've studied hours and hours of seminars, literally sleeping away at
night while the seminar still running in the background.
And after these 7 years of research, applying what I learned in the real
world, AND teaching guys all around the world to achieve the dating
success they were after, I believe I’m bringing you something that will
change your life.
So make no mistake – I did my part in bringing you the best tools to
the table.
However, for this book to actually work for you, there is something
that YOU need to do.
You need to GET SERIOUS with yourself.
Too many times, I meet guys who say they want to get better in this
area, but they aren't serious with themselves about it. They make no
effort to move forward.
They know they have a problem with saying those first words to a
woman, but they don't WORK on it.
They know they have challenges with keeping that conversation going,
but they don't WORK on it.
Somehow these guys think that this area of their life called meeting
women will improve by reading a book, watching a program or going on a
seminar.
That’s nonsense.
And if you find yourself to be in the mind-frame of “I’ll just read
something and my problems will be solved”, I suggest you snap out of it.
:: 13 ::
The only way to handle this area of your life is by being SERIOUS and
WORKING on it.
If you're not serious about handling this area of your life, then don't
even bother reading this book.
Because, you're going to read it, and you won't do the exercises I say.
You're going to find something that's working, but you'll stop using it
soon.
The difference between somebody who is SERIOUS about handling this
area of his life, and somebody who is not, is that the person who is
serious with himself ACTIVELY searches for a solution, and he WORKS on
implementing those solutions in his life.
So if you can’t be serious with yourself about this process…and you
can’t commit to WORKING on this area - then do a both of us a favor, just
throw this book away, and send me an email to receive a refund.
However, if you can be SERIOUS about handling this area of his life,
and you can commit to WORKING on it, then here’s my promise:
If you do what I say in this book, and you work on this, at the end,
you'll know how to:
-
Start a conversation with a girl you find attractive,
Continue that conversation in a NATURAL way,
And take that conversation to the next level
And this means you’ll have dates, a normal sex life, or just this internal
feeling that you are able to attract women.
Women will approach YOU.
Women will check YOU out.
Women will want to be around YOU.
You’ll have this POWER over women, that nobody will know how to
explain – not even YOU.
So, if this promise excites you, then by all means, let's begin.
:: 14 ::
:: 15 ::
Chapter 1: The Attractive Man
Let's start this journey with a question: what do women find
attractive?
What is it that women love about men?
Why are they attracted to certain guys and pity others?
Why do they do crazy things for some guys and leave other guys
crying and writing love songs about them?
I remember watching a TV show about a guy who was named the "Don
Juan of the TV network". Unfortunately, I don't remember his name or the
TV he was on. But here's what happened.
They announced that they were going to reveal a real Don Juan of
today's age, a guy who seduces women.
Then they showed him walking down the street.
When I saw him, I thought they were joking.
The guy was skinny, wearing a sweat suit and a baseball cap.
Trust me when I say, there wasn't ANYTHING special about him.
Nothing special at all.
So I was about to switch the channel, when they showed a very
attractive woman on the phone, standing there, talking.
So this Don Juan walked up to her, leaned on the wall next to her, and
said, “2 minutes. Tell her you'll call her back.”
The girl looked at him, got confused… then hung up the phone, and
started TALKING with him.
Now the question is, WHY?
Why did she start talking with him, when we all know women aren't
attracted to skinny guys with baseball caps?
Was he famous?
No.
Was he attractive like Brad Pitt?
:: 16 ::
No.
Was he rich beyond belief?
No.
Did he say something hilariously funny or profound?
No.
So what's the difference between him and some average guy on the
street, who merely observes women from a distance?
To be able to answer this question, we need to take a closer look at…
What we generally believe women find ATTRACTIVE
Looks
Some people say that women want guys who look good. So if a guy
looks like Brad Pitt, he will get any woman he wants.
But Brad Pitt himself once said that until he was famous, he had
challenges with getting a date.
So is looking good really the key to having women be crazy about you?
I think it might help, but I don't think your looks are THE key.
Money
What about having money? If you're rich, women are attracted to you,
right?
After all, Zsa-Zsa Gabor, a woman known for her scandalous affairs
said, "No rich man is ugly".
But then we see guys like our Don Juan, who have no money, and are
still able to get the girl.
So is money really it?
I think money can help, but it's not THE key.
Fame
How about being famous? This surely must be it. If you're famous,
women love you.
:: 17 ::
If you're a famous rock guitar player, or a member of a famous rock
band, you have as many women as you want.
But do you really NEED to be famous to get the girl? After all, was the
Don Juan I mentioned before a famous person?
No, he wasn't. He was just another guy from the street. So fame can
help, but it's not the reason why you couldn't get the girl.
Personality Traits
What about certain personality traits, like humor, fun, dominance and
social skills?
Are these qualities attractive to women?
If a guy can make a girl laugh, she'll probably like him and be
attracted to him.
If he can show he has a lot of friends and that he's popular, women
will probably find him more attractive.
However, our Don Juan didn't say anything too profound or funny to
show some special personality traits, and still was able to meet the girl.
So what's difference?
Why was he able to get the girl to stop what she was doing, and talk to
him?
Although I agree that women DO want men who are famous, rich and
handsome and have certain personality traits, it is NOT the DECIDING
factor on whether you get the girl or not.
What Are Women *REALLY* Attracted To
The difference that made the difference was that even though our Don
Juan was just ANOTHER guy from the street, he was able to show
CONFIDENCE.
Confidence is the key to being an attractive man.
Women are primarily attracted to your CONFIDENCE, and secondary to
whatever you think they are attracted to, be it fame, money, looks or
other personality traits.
:: 18 ::
When a guy can approach a woman with BALLS out, state what he
wants in an assured and congruent manner, he gets her ATTENTION, and
differentiates himself from ALL the other guys, who are timidly walking
around, ashamed for even liking a woman.
Again, I do think things like fame, money, looks, and personality traits
can help you be more attractive to women, but they aren't the KEY.
The deciding factor is your CONFIDENCE.
But what exactly is confidence?
While we all kind of get the idea of what confidence is, if you ask
random people, most of them can't give you a direct answer.
They say things like "being confident means that you feel good about
yourself", or "that you can comfortably talk with others"… but what is
confidence really?
:: 19 ::
Chapter 2: What Is Confidence And Why Are
Women So Attracted To It?
So what is confidence?
What do we mean when we say somebody is confident?
If we take the example of our Don Juan before, what was it about him
that we can describe as "confidence"?
Is it the way he moves, the way he talks, or the way he feels about
himself?
And as we're describing confidence, are we describing a natural human
quality or are we describing something else?
Let me give you the answer.
Confidence, as it is attractive to women means that you are in a STATE
of feeling SURE about yourself, and of what you're doing.
What do I mean?
If you look up the word “sure” in the online dictionary, one of the
definitions is “free from doubt”.
And if you think about it, most guys are the exact opposite from free of
doubt – they are FULL of doubt.
They feel unsure about themselves (or about anything) all the time. So
when they want to talk to a girl, they feel unsure…if they want to ask her
out, they feel unsure.
But guys who are confident around women on the other hand, are
SURE of themselves.
When they talk to a girl – they are sure of themselves. When they ask
her for her number, they say it in a sure way, where there is no doubt.
That is why, when our Don Juan said to that girl “2 minutes, tell her
you'll call her later”, she actually did hang up and talk to him.
It's because he demonstrated that he is totally sure of what he was
doing. He didn't flinch; he didn't act nervous…but was just completely
SURE of himself.
:: 20 ::
Makes sense?
If I could give you only ONE piece of advice on how to be more
successful around women, it would be this: Be SURE about what you do or
say to a woman. You can say ANYTHING to her, as long as you are SURE
of it, and it WILL work.
So why is that?
Why are women so attracted to guys who show that they are
confident?
Well, the reason why women are so attracted so much to confidence is
because it fulfills one of their basic needs in life – to feel SAFE.
You see, women, for the most part, feel unsafe in their life. And I don't
mean unsafe as being paranoid of walking down the street, but unsafe as
being mildly aware that there is a threat out there.
Why do you think that women are number one buyers of the "pepper
spray", a spray used to defend yourself from an attacker?
They are always aware that down in the “dark”, there could be some
danger.
So when a man comes along that shows that he is SURE of himself, he
is projecting safety to her. She considers that a guy who is sure of himself
will be more able to handle a possible attacker, and protect her, so she
will feel SAFE.
But more than feeling physically unsafe, women feel EMOTIONALLY
unsafe.
What do I mean?
You see, we were all kids once.
And as kids, we were all OPEN to other people.
But somewhere along the way we learned, that if we are too open,
some people take advantage our openness, and we get HURT.
Maybe we said something as kids and other kids laughed at us…
Maybe we opened our true feelings to somebody, and that person
rejected us…
:: 21 ::
So we slowly stopped being so open, and learned how to be less open,
to prevent from getting hurt again.
We learned to behave and talk in a socially acceptable way, where we
don't have to show ourselves completely.
However, when we were open, we were able to feel CONNECTED with
people.
And while guys can live with this dysfunction their entire life, women
have a strong need to feel connected.
But to feel connected, she first needs to feel SAFE with you…so she can
open up again.
So as men mainly seek sex with women, women mainly seek a man
who they can feel physically and emotionally feel SAFE with…and to who
they can completely open up.
Deep down, ALL women are little girls of 8 inside. And they want a guy
who they can squeeze to on a cloudy Sunday day, feel safe and secure
with him, and be that little 8 year old girl.
So when a woman sees a guy who is sure of himself, that triggers that
“safety” button inside of a woman, and she thinks to herself, “Now there's
a man I could feel safe to open up.”
Of course, most women aren't conscious of this. They don't rationally
think about this. They just feel this strange ATTRACTION to a guy, and
they don't even know why.
So the natural question is...
:: 22 ::
Chapter 3: How To Get Confident…In About 10
Minutes
So how can you get confident?
How can you get into that state of feeling SURE of yourself and of what
you're doing?
We can divide confidence in 2 categories – one is general confidence
that you have for your life, and the other is confidence that you have in
the moment.
For example, you might be confident overall in your life…but when you
get around a beautiful woman, you don’t feel like you have any confidence
at all.
If you want to have that general confidence in your life, you need to
spend time working on yourself, so you can free yourself from limitations
and doubt in your life in general.
But it doesn’t matter if you have general confidence in your life, if you
can’t show confidence in that specific moment when you start speaking to
a woman - she’s not going to perceive you as confident.
When it comes to women, what really matters is the confidence that
you show in the MOMENT.
So instead of spending years developing that general confidence, which
I encourage you to do down the line, you need to focus on something you
can do TODAY, so you can start having conversations with women, and
get dates.
And what is that something you can do today?
It’s to learn how to TURN ON your confidence at any moment you
want.
Luckily for you, just like you can turn on the lights in your room, you
can turn on your feeling of confidence any time you want.
How is that?
The reason is because…
:: 23 ::
Confidence Is a STATE of Feeling
Have you ever woken up in the morning, and you felt you were as light
as a feather…and the entire day went great. Everything you did seemed
effortless, and you felt like you were on a roll.
And also, have you ever had days when you woke up, and you felt so
heavy….and the entire day was sour. Nothing seemed to go your way, and
nothing you tried worked.
What do you think was the difference between those two days?
Is it the weather?
Is it because you got a good night sleep the first day, and a lousy night
sleep on the second?
The real reason is in the STATE you were in.
In the first example, you were in a STATE of feeling light and great…
and in the second example; you were in a STATE of feeling heavy and
sour.
You see, STATE is how you feel at any given moment. You can be in a
state of feeling happiness, excitement, confidence…or in a state of feeling
sadness, anxiety, or fear.
When you’re around a woman, you can be in a state of anxiety, or a
state of CONFIDENCE.
Most guys think that they have no control over the state they are in.
They think they are the victims of their state – that they have no control
of their state and that it somehow HAPPENS to them.
But the truth is the exact OPPOSITE.
Not only can you be in total control and create the kind of state you
want to be in…but you are ALREADY creating your state right now.
Every state you are in, whether it be anxiety, fear or confidence, YOU
have created it by using your MIND and BODY in a specific way.
How?
There are 3 parts to creating a state inside you.
1. First part has to do with how you use your BODY.
:: 24 ::
2. Second part has to do with what you FOCUS on.
3. And the third part has to do with how you TALK with yourself.
Let me explain this in more detail.
Part 1: How you use your BODY
Try this simple exercise right now: Put a big, wide smile on your face,
and as you do, try to think about something that makes you feel
depressed.
Can you get yourself to feel depressed when you have that big smile
on your face?
Chances are, you can’t.
And the reason is because EMOTION follows MOTION, and vice versa.
Whatever positions you put your body in; your emotions will follow it.
So if you put a smile on your face, soon you’ll feel emotions of
happiness in your body. If you put up an angry face, you’ll soon feel
angry.
Every emotion has its PHYSICAL external sign on the body.
A confident person holds his body in a specific way – which is very
different from how a person who is anxious and fearful holds his body.
Right now, think of a confident person.
From the top of your head, tell me, how is the person you’re imagining
holding his body? Is his body slouched, or erect?
Where are his shoulders – leaned backwards or slouched forward?
What is his face expression?
You probably thought about a person who walks erect, with his
shoulders back and a relaxed face expression.
And if you hold your body in the same position, you will soon feel
confident – because emotion will follow motion.
If you put your body in a position where your posture is slouched, and
your breath is shallow, and you tense up your muscles in your body –
you’ll feel anxious.
:: 25 ::
Part 2: What you FOCUS on
Imagine you’re at a party, and you decide to start filming parts of the
party with your camera.
You film people dancing, kissing and generally having a good time.
Then, you see two guys fighting in the back of the room, but you decide to
ignore it and keep the camera rolling on the people dancing and having
fun.
Later you show that video to somebody who wasn’t at the party – what
will they think of it?
Probably that it was a good party, full of fun and people having a good
time.
Now imagine you are at that same party, and you take your camera
and only record how the two guys are fighting.
You don’t record anything else, just the two guys fighting.
Now you show the video to a person who wasn’t at the party – what
will that person think of the party?
All fights and no fun!
Although it was the same party, the person didn’t SEE how other
people were having a good time – he only saw what the camera lens
caught.
Your focus works the same way.
Imagine your focus as being a camera in your mind – and it
records only what the lens of the camera captures.
So if you’re around a hot woman, and you focus on how she is hot and
you’re not…how she would probably reject you if you said something to
her, and how she doesn’t want to be approached…then you’re going to
start feeling anxious.
However, if on the other hand, you focus on the things that make you
an attractive person, on how she would probably enjoy having a
conversation with you and meet you…and how she's probably a little bit
nervous herself…then you'd feel your state changing into confidence.
:: 26 ::
Your focus will direct how you feel inside…and because emotions
follows motion, so does motion follow emotion. So when you focus on all
the bad things that can happen, and on your weaknesses…you put your
body in a negative or anxious state.
But if you FOCUS your mind on the good things that can happen, and
your strengths, then you're going to put yourself into a confident state.
Let’s take a look at the next part of a state.
Part 3: How you talk to yourself – your LANGUAGE
We all talk to ourselves – some of us do it out loud, and some do it in
our head. And the way we talk with ourselves is going to affect the state
we are in.
If we talk in a negative way to ourselves, than that is going to be
reflected in our state.
If you see a hot girl, and you start saying to yourself, “She’s going to
reject me”, and “She would never be into me”…then you’re going to put
yourself into an anxious state.
However, if you start saying to yourself, “She wants me to talk to her”,
and “She probably likes me”, then you will again put yourself into a
different state.
Do you now see how you create your state?
And even though you don’t consciously do this, you still do it.
So if you feel anxious when around a beautiful woman, understand
that you've created that state by the way you use your body, what you
focus on and how you talk to yourself.
People who are confident around women have learned to create a
confident state inside of them, and people who are anxious, have
learned to create an anxious state inside of them.
That's the entire story.
So if you want to BE CONFIDENT, and give the woman that feeling that
she’s safe around you… then you need to become AWARE of this process
of creating your state, and learn how to TURN ON your confidence
whenever you want it.
:: 27 ::
So how do you do it?
How To Put Yourself Into A Confident State
Easily, you do it often.
If you often create a state of feeling anxious, you will become a worldclass master at putting yourself into an anxious state - and you'll be able
to create it whenever you want it – or don't want it.
And similarly, if you often create a state of feeling confident, you will
become a world-class master at creating that too.
Some people have mastered creating states that they WANT, and
others have mastered creating states that they DON'T want.
The question is then, how do you master creating a state that you do
WANT?
To learn how to put yourself into a confident state, it’s useful to show
you how you create an anxious state first.
Creating a state of ANXIETY
Right now, stand up, and put your body in an anxious position.
Imagine there is a hot girl in front of you, and you feel anxious about
starting a conversation with her.
Stand the way you'd be standing if you were anxious right now.
Hold your body the same way as you do when you feel anxious,
breathe the same way, hold your shoulders the same way and put your
hands in the same position as you put them, when you feel anxious.
As you do this, notice what exactly do you do with your body?
Where do your shoulders go? What happens with your breathing? What
do you do with your hands?
Do you relax or tense up your shoulders? Is your breath shallow or
deep? Where do you feel tension in your body?
Now FOCUS on the same things as you do when you feel anxious.
Focus on how she has all the power…how she is higher status than you
are, how she has more value, how you are lower and less than she in
every way is. Focus on how she would reject you and push you away.
:: 28 ::
Now TALK with yourself in a way that’s disempowering you.
Say to yourself stuff like, “She’s probably going to reject me…she
would never fall for a guy like me…I’m not what she’s looking for” etc.
And now notice how you feel.
Are you in an anxious state right now?
By changing these 3 things, you were probably able to put yourself into
an anxious state.
And just like you put yourself into an anxious state, right now I want
you to put yourself into a state of CONFIDENCE.
So shake your body up, so you neutralize your state.
Creating a state of CONFIDENCE
Ok, so right now you’re going to put yourself into a confident state.
Now, imagine there is a hot girl standing next to you, but this time
you feel completely CONFIDENT about talking to her.
1. Change Your BODY
Stand up, and stand the way you’d be standing if you were totally
confident and sure of yourself about talking to her
Stand the way you’d be standing if you were absolutely confident
about yourself… breathe the way you’d be breathing and hold your
shoulders the way you would hold them, if you felt totally confident.
Notice, what do you do with your shoulders? How do you breathe
differently than when you were in an anxious state? What’s your body
posture now? What do you do with your hands? How do you stand?
Is your breath any deeper? Do you breathe in your chest or deep in
your stomach?
Is your posture slouched or erect? Are your hands relaxed or tense? Is
the way you stand more grounded and firm?
2. Change Your FOCUS
Now FOCUS on the same things as you would focus on, if you
were absolutely sure of yourself around this girl.
:: 29 ::
Instead of focusing on your insecurities and on how she is more
than you…focus on your good qualities, on how valuable you are…on
how she can’t wait for you to start talking to her.
Instead of focusing on how she would reject you or push you away,
focus on how she would smile and be kind of nervous about talking
to you.
Focus on how good you feel inside…and on how you have total
control over the situation.
3. Change Your LANGUAGE
And now TALK to yourself the way you’d talk if you were
absolutely confident and sure of yourself around this girl.
Say to yourself what you said when you felt totally confident. Use
the same words. Maybe it's : "Yea, you got this. You can handle this
easily.”
And notice how you feel now.
When you combine your body, your focus and how you talk to yourself
– you find yourself in a confident state.
If you did everything the way I described, there is a very good chance
that you are in a confident state now as well.
From this position of confidence, would you speak differently with a
woman you find attractive than from an anxious state?
How would you talk to her differently? Would you talk faster and more
confused, or would you talk slower and more directed?
Would you lean into her or would you lean back?
Would you lead her, or would you follow her?
Would you smile nervously, or make her smile nervously?
I've done this literally numerous times when coaching guys. Within
minutes, a guy would go from an insecure, shy guy, to a confident,
masculine man.
:: 30 ::
The next question you might have is: "Yea, that's awesome but how do
I keep this state when I go out and actually see that woman I want to talk
with?"
The answer to this is a simple technique called...
Anchoring
We all know what an anchor is. It's the thing that you throw off the
boat to keep the boat on one desired spot.
And anchoring a state is just that – a way of keeping that state from
floating away. But even more than that, an anchor serves you as
something you use to call back that state at any time you want.
It would be kind of awkward for you if you had to go through the
same process of putting yourself into a state whenever you see a woman
you’d like to talk to.
That’s why, to shorten this process, you create an ANCHOR, that
serves you as a way to recall your state in an INSTANT.
Ivan Pavlov did his famous experiment with dogs. He would take a
pack of dogs, and not feed them for a while, until they felt really hungry.
He would then show some food, and the dogs would drawl.
At that point, he would ring a bell.
He would then repeat that so many times, that after a time, he would
just ring a bell and the dogs would start drawling even when there was no
food in sight.
It’s because he was able to create an ANCHOR for the food. The dogs
connected the bell with food – so they started drawling at the sound of it.
An anchor is a TRIGGER of a state.
An anchor can be a sound, like a clap of hands; it can be an image or
an object.
You probably already have anchors in your life right now that direct
your state.
Maybe seeing a picture of a Gladiator puts you in an empowering state.
Maybe hearing your favorite song puts you into a vibrant and energetic
state.
:: 31 ::
Maybe seeing a face of a beautiful woman puts you in a really anxious
state…
You probably didn't consciously create your anchors. Chances are, your
anchors were created by accident.
For example, have you ever had an argument with somebody that got
you so angry…that just seeing the persons face now triggers a state of
anger inside of you?
The reason for that is because the state of feeling angry, and the sign
which was his face got stuck together in your mind.
And you can use the same process to trigger your confidence whenever
you want it.
If you want to keep your state of confidence, you need to anchor it so
that you can call it back whenever you need it.
How to anchor yourself
The way anchors are created is by doing 2 things:
1. Being in an intense emotional STATE
2. Experiencing an external SIGN
So the first thing that I want you to do is stand up right now, and put
yourself into your confident state.
Do the same process you did in the previous exercise.
If you want this to work effectively, you need to make sure you really
feel your state.
1. Put yourself into a STATE you want to anchor
The first step to anchor a state is to put yourself into the state you
want to anchor.
In your case, it’s CONFIDENCE.
So right now, stand up, and stand the way you'd be standing if you
were totally confident
Breathe the way you'd be breathing, have the face expression you'd
have it if you already were the master of talking to women, and if
talking to them is the easiest thing in the world.
:: 32 ::
It is really important that you put yourself into a state, where you
feel very INTENSE confidence.
If you just put yourself into mild confidence…than the anchor you’re
creating isn’t going to be very strong. So make sure you experience
an intense state of confidence.
2. CREATE an anchor
To anchor your confidence, you’re going to use the word “YES”, and
a clap with your hands as your anchor.
So right now, as you’re in your confident state, say the word
"YES" and clap your hands. While you're totally in this state, say
the word "YES" again and clap your hands. Do it again, and again,
an again, and every time you do it, feel your state getting stronger
and stronger.
3. REPEAT it so that you connect the anchor with the state
If you want the anchor to really connect with the state, repeat it at
least 30 times so that you really anchor your state to the word
YES and clap of your hands.
Remember, the more intense the state, the stronger the anchor will
be. So every time you say the word “YES” and you clap your hands,
feel your confidence intensifying more and more.
4. TEST your anchor
Once you have anchored your state, now test it.
Do something else for couple of minutes. Watch a video on YouTube
or something, and then stand up and say the word "YES" and clap
your hands.
Notice if that puts you in the confident state. If it does, you now
have a new anchor.
If it doesn't, then you haven't been in a strong enough state to
anchor it. You need to do it again, this time make sure your state of
confidence is really at where you want it to be.
5. USE your anchor
:: 33 ::
When in a situation where you feel you would want to be confident,
use your ANCHOR to change your state to confidence.
Congratulations, you just did the first thing toward being who you need
to be. You learned how to use the number one thing that all women are
attracted to – your confidence.
Instead of shaking in anxiety, you can now show your confidence.
But the natural question is, if creating confidence is so easy, why
doesn’t everybody do it?
Why does somebody STAY in an anxious state, even though it is so
easy to change it to confidence?
The answer to this question are your…
:: 34 ::
Chapter 4: Beliefs
There is a story of a man, who was working in a butcher shop, and
stayed after work to clean the freezer. As he was cleaning it, he
accidentally locked himself in.
The man panicked, and started saying to himself, "Nobody knows I'm
here, my co-workers won't be here until morning. It's freezing here, I'm
going to die".
Sure enough, the man sat down, crumbled, and froze to death.
When they opened the freezer in the morning, they were surprised to
find the man on the floor, dead.
And the reason they were surprised was not because the man was
dead. The reason why they were surprised was that the man died even
though the freezer WASN'T even turned on. So the man literally died in a
normal room temperature.
How could this be? How could this person die even though the
temperature was normal enough for him to live?
The answer to that question is BELIEFS.
What are beliefs?
Beliefs are IDEAS that you hold in your mind about what you THINK is
true.
Ideas about how attractive you are, or what would happen if you
approach a woman, or whether or not you can have sex with women
before marriage…or that the freezer is on and you're going to freeze to
death.
Your beliefs can SUPPORT or LIMIT you. They can work as your
ally, as your friend on the side…or as your enemy who will do everything
to stop you from succeeding.
Beliefs that support you are beliefs like, “Women enjoy being around
me”, “I am attractive to women”, “Women enjoy when I start talking to
them” etc.
:: 35 ::
Beliefs that limit you are beliefs like, “Women don't enjoy being around
me”, “I am unattractive to women”, “Women hate when I start talking to
them”, etc.
If most of your beliefs limit you, then you won’t have much SUCCESS
in dating… you won’t know how to make women LIKE you and want to be
around you, or how to make them RESPECT you as a man.
The more your beliefs support you, the easier it will be for you to
succeed at dating.
A guy who is a natural around women probably has beliefs that support
him. He believes that he is attractive, and that women enjoy being around
him.
But a guy who has challenges with women, probably has beliefs that
limit him. He probably believes that women don't find him attractive, and
that he doesn't know how to talk to them.
Beliefs are a KEY part of becoming more successful with women,
because they direct how you behave, think, and feel around women.
But most importantly, your beliefs DIRECT which STATE you are going
to put yourself in.
Let’s see how.
The Pilot In Your Head
There is a scene in the movie Men in Black part I, when Will Smith
becomes agent J, and his mission is to save an alien's life, who is
disguised as an old jewelry store owner.
However, he is too late, because when he arrives at the jewelry store,
the jewelry-owner-disguised-alien is already shot and dying.
As he approaches the dying old man, suddenly, his head opens up and
inside is a small alien, with control sticks of the body.
That little alien was the PILOT of the body, and he was controlling the
body with his control sticks.
So if he wanted the body to walk erect, he would pull a control stick
and the body would walk erect. If he wanted the body to sit, he would just
pull another control and the body would sit.
:: 36 ::
And that's how your beliefs work.
Beliefs are the pilots of your body.
If you have a belief that says, “Women don't find me attractive”, then
that pilot inside your head will put you in a non-attractive state.
He will direct you to BEHAVE, THINK and FEEL like a guy who women
don't find attractive.
He will pull those control sticks and make you walk around with a
slouched posture, with your head and shoulders down.
He'll make you buy clothes that don't fit you or don't look good on you.
He'll make you talk to yourself in a down-playing way, like, “I'm not
attractive”, and "Women don't want to be approached".
And he'll create an image in your mind of you being a guy who women
don't find attractive, but push away.
And even if you're not so bad looking, because you believe that you
are, you will be perceived as such.
The opposite is also true.
If you have a belief that says, “I AM attractive”, then that pilot in your
head will direct you into a state of a person who IS attractive.
He will do EVERYTHING to make you behave, think, and feel attractive.
He will put your body in a confident, attractive position.
He will create images in your mind of you as a guy who women chase
after and want to be around.
You'll start talking to yourself in a way that encourages you, like, “Go
for it” or “She's been waiting for you to show up”.
In short, that pilot in your head will direct what you will do, how you
will feel and think.
The Human Projector
You can imagine yourself as being a projector and your beliefs as the
image you're projecting.
:: 37 ::
So whatever you believe inside, you're projecting that to other people,
and they can sense it.
We people have developed a way of noticing small signs in the other
person's behavior.
You know this is true when you can “sense” how the other person is
feeling.
You probably had an experience when somebody said, “I'm fine”, but
you could feel that the person wasn't fine. You could sense there was
something in the background.
Why could you feel this?
You could feel it because the person was PROJECTING.
And when you hold a certain belief, like “I'm not attractive”, you
project that belief to women and people around you, and they perceive
you as a non-attractive person.
And the opposite is also true.
If you have a belief that says, “I AM attractive”, then you will project
that belief to women and people, and they will perceive you as an
attractive person.
Makes sense?
And even though you CAN change your state from anxiety to
confidence in a heartbeat, that pilot in your head called a belief, will direct
IF you'll change it.
Beliefs work much as self-fulfilling prophecies. Whatever you believe,
be it true or not, that pilot in your head will make it TRUE for YOU.
Sometimes when I talk about beliefs, some of my coaching members
ask me, “But aren't my beliefs actually true?”
For example, one of my members believed that, if he approaches a
woman, she would reject him.
When I asked him how he knows that to be true, he said that when he
approached women in the past, they have mostly rejected him.
This sounds like a reasonable proof that a woman will reject him, and
that his belief is true.
:: 38 ::
So the question is…
Are Beliefs The Truth?
The easiest and simplest way to get to the bottom of this is to give you
this simple example.
Let's say I take your favorite book and place it in front of you, so that
the cover of the book is facing your side, and the back cover of the book is
facing my side.
At that point, I look at you and say, “This book doesn't have a front
cover.”
Because you're facing the front cover, your obvious answer is, “Of
course it does.”
Again, because I can only see the back cover, I say to you, “No, it
doesn't.”
What would you say?
Well after you'd look at me like I was stoned, you'd probably say, “Yes,
it does – I can see it with my own eyes.”
So who would be right? From my perspective, the book doesn't have a
front cover – from your perspective it does.
So whose perspective would be the truth?
The obvious answer is, mine, of course, because I'm always right.
Seriously, the truth would be that the book DOES have the front cover;
I just can't see it from my PERSPECTIVE. For me to see it, I would have to
SWITCH perspective.
And that's the secret of beliefs.
Beliefs are only PARTIAL PERSPECTIVES, not the ENTIRE TRUTH.
So if you have a belief that says: “If I approach a woman, she will
reject me…”, and you believe that because women rejected you in the
past, then you’re only talking about a partial perspective.
Truth is, you don't know if a woman will reject you or not. The reason
why a woman rejected you in the past could be anything.
:: 39 ::
Maybe she was in a hurry to see a dentist…
Maybe her cat died and she wasn’t in the mood of talking with no one…
Or maybe it was about the WAY you approached her.
If you came up to her all nervous and insecure, then maybe she just
got a weird feeling from you and ran away.
So the truth is that if you approach a woman in a way that’s not
nervous and insecure…but confident, she will probably smile and start
talking with you.
So your belief that a woman will reject you if you approach her is just
a PERSPECTIVE. It’s actually not true.
When I sit down with a new coaching member to improve his
confidence with women, one of the first things that I look for is some of
the key beliefs that are limiting his success with women.
And when I ask him about what his challenge is, what I’ll often hear is,
“I have no success with women.”
When I hear that, I usually look at a guy and say, “I'm not surprised.”
You can imagine a somewhat startled look I get from him when I say
that. He expected me to go into rescue mode and show him all the cool
things that he can do, to become better with women.
But what's really happening here?
A person who comes in and says, “I have no success with women”, is
really talking about a BELIEF.
And as long as he holds that belief of having no success with women,
that pilot in his head will not allow him to have the kind of success
that he wants.
I could give him the best, full-proof techniques and strategies for how
to talk to women, and they wouldn't work, because he sees himself as a
guy who doesn’t have success.
Even if a woman sits on his lap, he won’t have any success, because
his belief won’t allow him to have that success.
Makes sense?
:: 40 ::
The success with women game is played with your BELIEFS. Whatever
you believe, true or not, will ultimately become true for you.
So what does that mean for you?
If you have a belief that is limiting you, does that mean that the game
is over for you?
Are you condemned to a life without women because your limiting
beliefs won't allow you to have success?
No, you are not.
The good news is, you CAN do something about your limiting beliefs.
You Have the Power
You see, you weren't born with your beliefs. You came on this world as
a blank sheet of paper. And you LEARNED all of your beliefs through life.
And just like you learned them, you can also UNLEARN them.
To understand how you can unlearn your limiting beliefs, let's take a
closer look to how you learned them in the first place.
Where Do Your Beliefs Come From
Because we know that beliefs are nothing but ideas that we believe to
be true, the natural question is, who gave us those ideas?
To make it very simple, you got your beliefs in two ways:
1. Other people created them for you
2. You created them yourself
How other people created your beliefs
You see, in every person's life, there are KEY people who give him
ideas about who he is, what he can do, how much he deserves, where he
belongs etc.
You also had your key people in your life.
They could have been:
-
Your parents,
Teachers,
Peers in school and schoolmates,
:: 41 ::
-
Your neighborhood,
Your role models,
Books,
Movies,
A specific girl from your past
These key people then gave you ideas about what is true and what is
not.
Maybe your peers called you a loser in elementary school, and you
created a belief, “I am a loser.”
Maybe a girl said to you, “You are one ugly SOB…”, and now you
believe you're the ugliest person alive.
Maybe your mom told you that having sex before marriage is wrong
and you'll go to hell for doing it, so now you have an incredible internal
conflict between going to hell and having sex.
How you created your beliefs
The other way you got your beliefs was by creating them yourself.
And you either:
-
Created beliefs based on what you EXPERIENCED
Created beliefs based on what you OBSERVED others
experiencing
Maybe you had a crush on a girl, and when you asked her out, she
rejected you harshly, so you made a belief, “If I ask a girl out, she's going
to reject me.”
Maybe you observed guys trying to approach women, and when you
saw them getting rejected, you created a belief about women rejecting
guys.
So to achieve the kind of success you want with women, you need to
DISCOVER which beliefs are LIMITING you…and then work on CHANGING
them.
How?
:: 42 ::
Eliminating Your Limiting Beliefs
As you already learned, beliefs are only partial perspectives of
anything. They are not the entire truth.
And if you don't want your beliefs to control you anymore, you need to
stop seeing only the partial perspectives, but see ALL of the perspectives.
And the first step to doing that, is to discover which beliefs are limiting
you exactly.
So the first step is to…
1. Uncover Your Limiting Beliefs
The best way to uncover your limiting beliefs around women is to PUT
yourself in a REAL-WORLD situation with a woman, and NOTICE what
comes up for you.
Beliefs usually come in a form of an internal language.
If, as you’re around a woman you’re attracted to, you start saying to
yourself, “Women don't want to be with me…who am I kidding…they
would never fall for a guy like me…”, then you have discovered your
limiting beliefs.
What I want you to do at that moment is to become very AWARE of
them, and if you can, WRITE them down on a piece of paper.
After you have them written down, look at them, and recognize them
as BELIEFS, not as facts.
Most guys consider their beliefs to be the ultimate truth. But as we
said, beliefs are only PARTIAL perspectives of the truth.
So just by recognizing them as partial perspectives and not as truths,
you take away a lot of their power to limit you.
2. Divide Your Beliefs Into 3 Categories
As I discovered, we can divide our beliefs into 3 separate categories.
Category 1: Beliefs about men and women in general
The first category of beliefs has to do with what do you believe about
the relationship between men and women in general. How do women look
:: 43 ::
at men? How should a man behave towards a woman? Do women enjoy
sex? Do women enjoy being approached by a man?
You can have limiting beliefs, like:
-
Women don't like men approaching them
Women don't like sex with men
Women hate men
Sex between a man and a woman is evil
And you can have supporting beliefs as well:
-
Women enjoy men
Women enjoy sex with men
Women just love when a man starts talking to them
Category 2: Beliefs about YOU and women
The beliefs in this category are beliefs about you and women. In this
category, you have beliefs that determine who you are compared to
women.
Who has the value – you or the woman? Who has the power – you or
the woman? Who is choosing who – are you the one who is choosing
women, or are women the ones who decide about you?
Example of limiting beliefs are:
-
Women don't find me sexually attractive
Women don't enjoy when I'm around
Women have all the power over me, and I have none over them
Example of supporting beliefs are:
-
Women find me sexually attractive
In any conversation, I have the most value and power
Women enjoy talking with me
Category 3: Beliefs about what will happen IF; The IF, THEN… beliefs
This category of beliefs are beliefs about what you believe will happen
if you do something.
If you approach a woman, what will most likely to happen? If you ask
her out, what will she probably say? If you turn the conversation into
being more sexual, what will the woman do?
:: 44 ::
An example of a limiting belief is:
-
If I approach a woman, then she will reject me
If I ask her out, she will laugh at me
If I turn the conversation into sexual, she’ll think I’m weird and run
away
Again, you can have a supporting belief as well. For example:
-
If I approach a woman, she's going to smile and say hello
If I ask her out, she’s going to say yes
If I tell her to write down her number for me, she’s going to do it
After you recognize your beliefs, and you arrange them in these 3
categories so you know exactly which beliefs are limiting you in your
dating life, the next step is to...
3. See ALL Perspectives
We learned that belief is only a PARTIAL perspective on anything.
And because beliefs play such a big part in controlling how we behave,
does it make sense to operate on something that is only partially true?
Of course not.
That’s why, if you want to stop that belief from limiting you, you need
to look at ALL perspectives.
For example, if you hold a belief, “Women don't enjoy having a
conversation with me”, you're only talking about a partial perspective.
It's not the entire truth.
Maybe the reason because women didn’t enjoy having a conversation
with you in the past is because you were all nervous and anxious…so you
weren’t able to connect with them.
But if you put yourself in a different state, like a confident state where
you can think clearly, chances are the woman would actually enjoy a
conversation with you.
So it’s not true that women don’t enjoy having a conversation with
you…it’s just that women don’t enjoy having a conversation with you
when you are in an anxious state…and if you change your state, women
would probably enjoy talking with you.
:: 45 ::
Does this makes sense?
What you’re doing here is you’re seeing the TRUTH. You recognize ALL
the perspectives, not only one.
By doing this, you don’t lie to yourself, but you recognize your own
intelligence.
If a belief is only a partial perspective, then you're insulting your
intelligence by holding that as the wholly truth.
Be intelligent. Look at what's the real truth.
So right now I want to give you a very powerful tool for changing your
limiting beliefs that I use to help guys change what they believe about
themselves and women.
It’s called…
360° Belief Destroyer
Over the course of working with guys from all over the world, I've
noticed that most of them have the exact same beliefs, and the exact
same ways of eliminating them.
So I've come up with this simple, yet extremely effective way of
eliminating limiting beliefs. I called it, the 360° belief destroyer.
The basic concept of this tool is to give you a 360° perspective on of
any belief – so that you are able to see the ENTIRE TRUTH.
Let me explain to you how it works.
1. You take a sheet of paper, and you mark the 4 sides of the
paper.
The 0° at the bottom of the paper, the 180° on the top, the 90° on
the right side, and 275° on the left side of the paper.
Now you have 360° on paper.
2. Next, you take a belief that is limiting you.
Next, you take the belief that is limiting you, and you put it to the
0° angle. This is your starting point.
:: 46 ::
So for example, let's take a belief, “If I approach a woman, she's
going to reject me.”
You write that belief at the 0° side of the paper, so at the bottom.
3. Next, you write the opposite of this belief at the 180° side,
so at the top of the paper.
So at the top of the paper, the 180° angle, you write, “If I approach
a woman, she's going to smile and say hello.”
What's important when writing an opposite belief is to never write it
in a negative way.
So you never say, “If I approach a woman, she isn't going to reject
me.”
You need to state it in the POSITIVE opposite.
What will happen INSTEAD of her rejecting you? Will she jump on
you from delight and give you a big kiss on the lips? Will she rip
your clothes off and chase after you?
Write the opposite belief in the positive.
Now you have your limiting belief, and you have an opposite belief.
4. Next, you write the 90° angle.
And here's how you do it.
First, you affirm the first belief. So you say, “If I approach a
woman, she will reject me.”
But then you add the words: “Except when…” and you write an
EXCEPTION to when a woman wouldn't reject you.
So you might write, “Except when I approach her in a confident
state, and I speak with a clear, determined voice… THEN she will
smile and say hello.”
:: 47 ::
Do you see what you do here?
You force your mind to THINK of what would need to happen on
your part, so that the woman doesn't reject you, but smiles and
says hello.
You try to discover a RECIPE for what you need to do, so that the
woman doesn't reject you.
When you write your exceptions, it's important to never put the
responsibility onto others.
So you can't say: “Except when a woman likes me”, or “Except
when a woman is in a good mood.”
You need to write something that YOU can do, that would act as an
exception.
You never give the control to others with exceptions, but you're
always keeping control.
Makes sense?
5. Once you've write out your exception at the 90° angle, now
it's time for you to go to the 275° angle.
In the 275° angle, you do the same as you did in the 90°, just the
opposite.
So instead of affirming the 0° belief and then finding the exception
to it, you affirm the 180° belief and you find the exception to that.
You say: “If I approach a woman, she's going to smile and say
hello, EXCEPT WHEN I come in an anxious state, behave all weird
and creepy and scare the woman away, THEN she will reject me.”
So what are you doing here?
You're forcing your brain to THINK of your recipe for REJECTION. By
doing that, you have 2 recipes – one for what you need to do to
:: 48 ::
AVOID being rejected, and the other for CREATING being welcomed
with a hello and a smile.
By doing this process, you uncover all the other perspectives
and you learn the truth.
And the truth is always, that if you do certain things, you will
receive certain results. With this process, you'll put some light
onto which things you need to do, to receive your desired results.
6. Do it all over again
After you've worked on a belief, take another belief and work on it
as well. This process might uncover some other beliefs. If it does,
work on those beliefs as well.
The outcome you're searching for is a feeling of RELIEF and
CLARITY.
When you work on your belief, there is a moment when it all comes
into place…when you can see how a belief has been limiting you in
the past, and how it isn't true anymore.
This process takes work. This isn't easy or done quickly. And it is
one of the most important, if not THE most important part of your
success with women.
So take time to do it.
Now take a sheet of paper, and begin with this process right now.
If you want to learn this process more in depth, you can go to my
member area at www.volcanoconfidence.com/member and receive more
information about it.
Ok, so you've learned about what beliefs are and how they affect your
success with women.
You've learned how they can limit you, and you learned how to unlearn
and change them so that they no longer limit you.
:: 49 ::
Also, some guys want to know what are some supporting beliefs that
they can adopt for themselves?
That’s why I've dedicated the next chapter to…
:: 50 ::
Chapter 5: The Natural's Beliefs
In this chapter, I’ve put together a set of beliefs that I observed on
almost every natural I ever met. You might want to consider adopting
them to yourself.
Belief #1: Getting women is easy
The first belief that every natural has is that getting women is EASY.
The usual dating advice tells you that meeting women is like picking up
an African gorilla...
Truth is, it's pretty easy. You just need to LET it be easy.
You see most of the time, all you need to do is just SHOW UP and be
at least OK… and women will want to be with you.
You don’t need to do all that much…but we make things way too
complex than they really are.
But as Woody Allen says, “80% of success is showing up.”
Most of the time, you just need to show up, and at least not screw it
up.
You don't need to deliver all these incredible stories about your Ferrari
and billions of dollars.
Women love men, and they want to you to approach them.
Again, most guys over complicate this. They elevate this to feel like it’s
rocket science and make this way too hard.
But in reality, if you BELIEVE that it’s easy, it will become easy for you.
Belief #2: Women like and enjoy men
As weird as this might sound, but yes, women actually LOVE men.
Believe it or not, when they are alone with themselves, they're not
fantasizing about a girl.
For the most part at least.
They are fantasizing about a MAN.
:: 51 ::
They love the man’s scent, they love the man’s empty-headiness…
they like how we walk, how we talk, how we take care of things. They love
our casualness and how we don't worry so much about everything.
They enjoy being around a man…it’s in their nature to enjoy it. So
adopt this belief, and you’ll notice a shift in how you feel around women.
If you’re talking with a woman, and you believe that she enjoy men
and likes to be around you, then that’s going to make your conversation
far more pleasurable for both of you.
Belief #3: Women like when men approach them – it’s a GAME to them
For us, it's about achieving a goal – to conquer the mountain, and to
get the girl in bed with us.
For them, it's about the game, the emotions, the fun – the variety.
They love the ATTENTION.
This game is not logical.
In this game, you need to use your EMOTIONS, and at least in this
game, women are in charge.
It's their world.
Women love when men are seducing them, they love when they chat
them up and ask them out on a date.
They wouldn't miss it for the world – and they get jealous if their
girlfriend gets approached and they don’t. They feel left out if no man is
approaching them.
So do the poor girl a favor…and say something to her.
Have mercy, please.
Belief #4: Beautiful women are really insecure about how they look
This one was a big one for me to get. It was just mind blowing for me
that a hot woman could ever feel insecure. But she does.
Later in the book, I’ll present to you with a talk that a former super
model gave about how these girls feel about themselves.
:: 52 ::
But in essence, hot women are insecure because they have to THINK
about how they look like all the time. So don’t assume they have perfect
confidence just because they look good.
Very often, the exact opposite is true.
Belief #5: I deserve beautiful women just like any other guy does
So the other guy is buff, athletic and he's got millions of dollars.
So what?
You deserve to have a girl just because you're a man. You were born
with the right to date any woman you want.
So forget about unwritten social rules of who is in whose league. You
are in the league that YOU put yourself in.
You DESERVE and you have PERMISSION to date ANY woman you
want.
Period.
Belief #6: I expect the woman to invest energy into a conversation as
well
Underline expect.
Brian Tracy, a big success guru said, that there is this law of
expectation. It is simply, whatever you expect to happen, usually does.
Most guys think that they have to do ALL the work for both of them,
and they don’t expect the woman to invest energy into making the
conversation work.
But trying too hard, and doing everything without expecting the
woman to invest energy into talking with you is perceived as low status
behavior to a woman… and that isn’t attractive.
But the natural expects women to invest their energy in talking to him.
And women can then see his expectation through his behavior, his face
expression, his walk, talk, the way he carries himself… and this is
perceived as very attractive to women.
:: 53 ::
After adopting this belief myself, a lot of women told me, “I got a
feeling that I need to work and prove myself to you, but I didn't know
why.”
I know why - because I INTERNALIZED this belief…and she could feel
it.
It's kind of ironic, but if a girl isn't expected to invest her energy, she
will assume you have no value.
So don't try so hard to do everything - EXPECT her to invest her time
as well, and be willing to WALK AWAY if she doesn’t.
She will sense your expectation - and perceive you as much more
valuable.
Belief #7: I expect women to respond positively to me
Again, expectation.
I can't emphasize this enough but you really need to expect a girl to
respond positively to you.
I expect woman to stop, to look at me and smile gently, feel excited
because I said something to her, to engage in the conversation or a
comment I say to her - because I feel I have value - I am important - and
that she should respond positively.
It's kind of being on the inner circle of cool people - you always expect
other people to respond to you positively, because you're among this
circle of cool people.
And I've internalized this expectation that when I see a woman's face,
I immediately see her responding to me positively, long before I even
speak with her.
I trained my mind to do that.
Before, I would freak out - I would see her rejecting me, blowing me
off, giving me a weird look and laugh at me.
Not anymore. I see women as people who want to meet a guy like me.
I expect it, and it is real for me.
:: 54 ::
Belief #8: I’m am INDIFFERENT to the outcome of a conversation,
because there will never run out of beautiful girls, and I can always meet
another one
Realize, that there is always another prettier, more sexy, more fun and
more something girl out there, waiting for you to show up.
If you take this attitude, you will be far more attractive than if you only
focus on her looks and how you can get her.
Don't care.
Some guys even tell me, that sometimes when they speak to an
attractive girl, they feel like she is the last woman on the planet.
Then they focus only on her sexy parts and how good she looks, and
think that if she leaves, they might never get another chance to talk to
another girl in their life.
Do you feel like that as well sometimes?
If you do, I have news for you:
There are 3 billion women on this planet.
Guess how many of them are hot?
A lot.
Guess how many of them are single?
A lot of them.
Guess how many of them want to meet a guy to have a good time
with?
A lot of them.
And to make matters even better, they even make MORE of them.
Thousands of women all around the world, turn 21 years old EVERY
DAY.
So there is NO LACK of beautiful women.
And when you talk to a girl next time, and you get that attached
feeling and needy thoughts, just remember this - there is probably one
more attractive woman around the corner, so just let go.
:: 55 ::
Belief # 9: I am ATTRACTIVE
This one is crucial.
Most guys are walking around and feeling like they have nothing to
offer, like they are losers, and like they don't deserve a beautiful woman.
And to be honest, when I started developing myself, this is how I used
to see myself as well.
You can divide people in two groups.
One group is a group of people that consider themselves attractive,
and the second group is the group of people who consider themselves as
not attractive.
Just like in high school, some guys and girls were dating, and some
didn’t.
And here’s the big news: YOU, not others, put yourself in whatever
group you want to be in, believing where you belong.
If you believe that you belong among the inner circle of guys who are
attractive, who are dating and who have no problem with dating success,
then you will be perceived like that.
And if you believe that you belong among guys who are NOT
attractive, who women don’t enjoy talking to…then you will be perceived
like that as well.
You put yourself in whatever group you want.
So put yourself in the “attractive” group.
After working on myself for a lot of time, I now see myself as a person
who women desire, who is on this “inner circle” of attractive people, and a
person who has options with women.
I assume that women like me, and enjoy spending time with me.
I believe I am as attractive to a woman just like any hot woman is
attractive to me.
And women can FEEL my belief.
Because you’re a human PROJECTOR, whatever you believe about
yourself - others will believe too.
:: 56 ::
So believing that you’re attractive is CRUCIAL if you want to have
predictable success with women.
So internalize this belief, and start seeing yourself as attractive.
How To Internalize A Belief
Now besides eliminating your key limiting beliefs with the 360° Belief
Destroyer, you also want to INTERNALIZE some supporting beliefs.
So right now I want to give you something you can do to internalize
whatever belief you want to have.
Relax, I’m not going to make you do affirmations… because they
simply don’t work.
So I want to give you a cool exercise that you can use right now to
INTERNALIZE a belief you’d like to have.
Here’s what you’ll do:
1. Choose a belief you’d like to internalize. I suggest you start
with I am attractive belief, as this one is the most important one,
but you can choose which ever you prefer the most.
2. Go to a public place, like a shopping mall, park or a bar where
there are lots of the kind of women you’d like to meet.
3. As you’re walking, put yourself into a state of feeling that belief.
In our case with the belief “I am attractive”, put yourself in the
state of feeling attractive by adjusting your body, your focus, and
your internal language.
Walk the way you would walk if you felt absolutely attractive.
Breathe the way you’d be breathing and have the same face
expression on your face.
Focus on the same things as you’d focus on if you felt attractive,
and start saying to yourself “I am attractive”.
4. Make an intention to PROJECT your belief to your environment,
and notice how people around you start behaving differently.
The purpose of this is for you to start playing with projecting your
beliefs onto women. As you do, notice how women respond to you.
:: 57 ::
This is a very powerful way of internalizing a belief that you’d like to
have. Affirmations don’t work because you’re not in the STATE of feeling
that belief.
However, if you put yourself into a STATE of feeling that belief, then
your brain internalizes this belief.
So right now, choose a belief you’d like to have, and do this exercise.
:: 58 ::
Chapter 6: Fear and Approach Anxiety
What happens if you put yourself into a confident state, you work on
your beliefs, you go out…, but when you see the woman that you’d like to
talk to, you get this strange feeling in your stomach that stops you?
We call this feeling FEAR.
What is FEAR?
So let me ask you, what is fear?
What do we mean when we say, “I'm afraid?”
Well, fear is an emotional STATE. And as we learned in the chapter on
states, we create our state inside ourselves, by how we use our body,
what we focus on and how we talk to ourselves.
But in this chapter, I’m not going to talk about how to change your
state from fear. In this chapter, I want to focus on fear itself, because I
believe that fear is a very important part of your success with women.
You see, you can learn WHAT to do around a woman…you can learn
the lines or the words to SAY to her…but ultimately what determines
whether you’re actually going to USE what you learn is how you handle
your FEAR.
It could be fear of saying the first words to a woman to start a
conversation…
It could be fear of showing her that you want to be more than “just
friends”…
It could be asking for her number or asking her out on a date…
In every step you take with a woman, fear is in the passenger seat.
If you never learn to overcome your fear, and you let it stop you from
taking the kind of action you’d like to take with women, then you’ll
probably never be successful in meeting and dating them.
You’ll never have that freedom to pick and choose your ideal
woman. You won’t have any power on the “choosing” process, and you’ll
be totally dependent on the woman choosing – or not choosing you.
:: 59 ::
That means dating the kind of women either who approach you, or
who you meet by random luck.
And that just sucks.
But if you do learn to overcome your fear, then you’ll have the freedom
to choose your woman. You won’t be just an outside observer of beautiful
women, but you’ll be the guy who other guys observe while you’re talking
with one of them.
Having this kind of power gives you this internal feeling of total
independence and strength, when you know that you can meet ANY
woman you want.
I can’t even describe to you the feeling when you know that you can
go ANYWHERE…and meet new women, hang out with them and generally
have a good time.
So I want to talk about WHAT fear is, WHY we feel it, and HOW you
can overcome it so it doesn’t STOP you from taking ACTION.
So besides fear being an emotional state, fear is an automatic reaction
of your body, when you reach the edge of your….
Comfort Zone
What is a comfort zone?
Imagine standing in sand, taking a stick, and drawing a circle around
you. Now imagine, that once you drew that circle, the rule would be to
never step outside of it.
In our mind, we all draw our imaginary circle around us.
It’s called our comfort zone.
Our comfort zone is a zone of everything that we feel comfortable
doing.
So we feel very comfortable watching TV or playing video games,
because that’s WITHIN our comfort zone.
But whenever we want to do something that’s OUTSIDE of our comfort
zone, like saying something to a girl that we find attractive, then we may
feel extremely uncomfortable – we feel FEAR.
:: 60 ::
In the book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyways, Susan Jeffers explains,
that the underlying reason for why we feel fear is because we feel we
can’t HANDLE something that could happen.
So if you fear starting a conversation with an attractive woman, the
reason why you feel fear is because you feel like you couldn’t HANDLE the
pain of feeling REJECTED…or that you couldn’t HANDLE having a
conversation with her.
Whenever you try to do something, and you feel like you can’t HANDLE
it, you’re going to be OUTSIDE of your comfort zone… and feel fear.
Fear is the border of your comfort zone.
It's the LINE that divides what you feel you CAN handle, and what you
feel you CAN'T handle.
Most of us live our lives in our COMFORT ZONE. We live in our safe
little bubble, locked in our house, away from any danger.
Most of us AVOID situations that we feel we can’t HANDLE, like talking
to a woman, because that would risk REJECTION. And we think we
couldn’t handle that…
Living in our comfort zone however, makes us feel NUMB… it takes
away the sensations of life.
It’s very ironic, but our safe comfort zone, is the most DANGEROUS
place to live in.
Staying in your comfort zone WILL cost you success that you want,
because EVERYTHING you want is OUTSIDE OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE!
So in life, it’s extremely important for you to develop the ability to
continuously PUSH yourself OUTSIDE of your comfort zone.
One of the best things about our comfort zone is that it can EXPAND…
and things that you used to feel uncomfortable doing can become
comfortable to do.
Expanding Your Comfort Zone
Right now, think of something you feel comfortable doing, like driving
a car for example.
:: 61 ::
Now try to think about the time when you just started learning how to
do drive a car.
You were nervous…anxious and awkward. You had to put your FULL
attention to driving. You couldn’t think about anything else.
Now think how comfortable you feel driving your car today. You’re
holding your phone in one hand, eating a sandwich with another, and
checking out a hot girl with the corner of your eye.
Why?
It’s because you’ve EXPANDED your comfort zone by doing what you
felt uncomfortable doing.
So while driving your car was completely OUTSIDE of your comfort
zone in your past, it is WITHIN your comfort zone today.
So let me give you a VISUAL for this, so you can better understand
how comfort zone works.
So as you can see, the thing that you feel uncomfortable doing is
outside of your comfort zone.
However, if you step outside of your comfort zone enough times, then
after a while, your comfort zone will EXPAND, and that thing will be
INSIDE of your comfort zone.
:: 62 ::
However, when most guys think about stepping outside of their
comfort zone, and DO something they feel uncomfortable doing, they do
the most natural and intuitive thing every guy could do…
Run away.
Now this is OK to do in certain situations.
You see, there are, what you might call GOOD situations, and BAD
situations.
One of my coaching members told me about how he went on a hiking
trip through the Canadian forests, and as he was walking, he suddenly
saw a bear.
He said that moment was the scariest moment in his life.
So he slowly stepped back and avoided the bear.
Now that's a BAD situation.
But when you see a woman you’d like to talk to, and she’s all by
herself and smiling at you, then that is a GOOD situation.
:: 63 ::
However, no matter if the situation is good or bad, most guys AVOID
it.
I’ve literally met guys who spent their ENTIRE life living in their
comfort zone, running away from fear, never challenging it, and letting
fear take away their chances with women.
Have you seen the movie The 40 year old virgin?
I’ve actually met one.
So what's the solution?
How can you overcome your fear and step outside of your comfort
zone?
Confront Your Fear
I want to clear my throat and tell you what I REALLY want to tell you.
Because I have a hunch that you’d like to hear about some magic
potion that’s going to eliminate your fear.
So I’m not going to beat around the bush here.
Truth is, yes, I do have some techniques and tools that can eliminate
your fear of talking to women extremely fast.
But that’s not what I want to talk about here.
Because to be honest with you… sometimes the techniques I give to
guys can be a double edged sword, because they can work as something
that they HIDE behind – and not deal with the REAL problem.
So while techniques can and do work, I want you to tell you about
what I believe is the REAL way to overcome your fear for EVER.
You see, the most effective way to overcome your fear is to
CONFRONT the SITUATIONS that you feel fear about.
I know, it doesn’t sound like much fun.
But let me give you a personal example from my life.
I used to fear rejection A LOT…I mean, fear of rejection was the
controlling force of my life. I would do everything to avoid it.
:: 64 ::
Well, when I realized how much I was missing out in my life because of
it, I started purposefully EXPOSING myself to rejection.
I started confronting my fear of rejection by doing things that could
result in rejection, like starting a conversation with a woman.
I CONFRONTED my fear face to face, looked it in the eyes, and said,
“Give me your best shot”.
And you know what?
The fear blinked.
I discovered that my fear was bluffing…it had nothing but fluff and air,
and nothing BAD that I thought would happen actually happened.
In addition, after I did the thing that I felt fear about… I don’t know if
you ever felt the excitement of your home team winning a championship…
but that feeling comes close to this.
I felt like I’m going to BURST from excitement and PRIDE.
My whole body was shaking from adrenaline.
I was pumped.
My fear of rejection is now gone…I laugh at it. It’s not even in my
conscious awareness. I don’t even know how that fear feels like anymore.
So the REAL way to overcome your fear is to CONFRONT it on a regular
basis.
When you regularly step outside of your comfort zone, you EXPAND it,
and you feel more comfortable doing things you previously felt
uncomfortable.
So if you feel fear about starting conversations with women,
CONFRONT that fear by going out and starting conversations with them…
and you will expand your comfort zone to a point where starting
conversations with women isn’t going to feel uncomfortable anymore.
It will become COMFORTABLE for you.
The Yes Man
When I talk about confrontation, I always mention the movie called
"The Yes Man".
:: 65 ::
It stars Jim Carey and it's about a guy who went through a break up
and began to withdraw to himself. He stopped going out, and
disconnected from the society in general.
He got used to saying NO, and living his life in his comfort zone.
So a friend encourages him to go to a seminar about this Yes Man and
try it out.
At this seminar, he decides that he’s going to start saying YES to
whatever offer he gets in life.
So as he's driving home, a bum asks him for a ride. So he says yes to
him. Sure enough, the bum directs him to the middle of nowhere, takes
his phone, and runs away with it.
After unsuccessfully trying to chase him, he gives up and decides to
drive back home.
But as he does, he runs out of gas – so he has to walk umpteen miles
to the nearest gas station, where he meets a girl… and then things get
really interesting.
I highly recommend you watch the movie to get the full story.
But the lesson is that you need to start stepping OUTSIDE of your
comfort zone by continuously confronting what feels uncomfortable
and in general, say YES to life a lot more.
How to start?
If you've stayed in your comfort zone for a while, it might be
challenging for you to immediately start walking up to women and have
conversations with them.
So the simplest way to start confronting your fear is to start SMALL.
Start with something that you're MILDLY uncomfortable with, and then
just continue up the ladder.
So if you're in your house more than you're outside around people, the
first step is to just GET OUT of your house and around people.
Go to places where people are.
If you’re uncomfortable being around women, then start going to
places where there is lots of women.
:: 66 ::
Hang around, and let that self-correction process do its thing.
After you expand your comfort zone by being around women, and you
feel comfortable around them, then you might want to start talking with
them.
Ask them a question or make a comment. Or just say hello to them.
The important thing is to ask yourself what’s the first thing that makes
you feel uncomfortable?
And then do that first thing.
You want to use the metaphor of a snowball.
When you're making a snowball, you first start with a small ball that
fits in your hand.
Then, as you start rolling it, the ball gets bigger and bigger and in no
time, you have a huge ball.
And just like the snowball gets big very fast, so will your comfort zone
expand… and you will get more and more comfortable being around
women, about saying something to them etc.
Techniques For Fear
Earlier I bashed on the techniques because I don’t want you to start
DEPENDING on the techniques to do the work for you.
Techniques are meant to be used as tools, as something you can help
yourself with – not something that you depend on.
Sometimes the initial fear can be so strong, that it stops you from
doing anything – even taking that first step.
So this is where techniques can help you. Techniques can help you in
reducing fear to a level where it’s not paralyzing anymore, so you can
take that first step.
Because after you push yourself to do something for the first time,
whether it’s starting a conversation with a woman or asking her for her
number, that then builds on itself, and can inspire you to take more and
more action.
:: 67 ::
So to get you started, I’ve prepared couple of my favorite techniques
for you to go through, and help yourself with your fear.
#1: Worst Case Scenario
I think we can all agree that a dark cave is scarier than a light cave.
Something scares us about the dark. Dark implies unknown, so we avoid
it.
A big part of fear is an element of the unknown. We know it's
something bad, but we're not sure exactly what it is.
Would you be more afraid of a snake in a room with the lights on, or a
snake in the room with lights off?
If you watched the movie Home Alone, you remember a scene when
little Kevin was scared of the furnace in the basement. He would imagine
the furnace eating him.
However, once he confronted the furnace, he saw it wasn't such a big
deal.
So a key part in eliminating fear is eliminating the UNKNOWN.
And this is exactly how this tool works.
With this exercise, what you do is you illuminate the fear a little bit, so
you KNOW what you are afraid of exactly.
It's kind of turning the light in a dark room or turning on a huge
reflector into the dark cave.
Here's how you do the Worst-Case Scenario
1. Take a sheet of paper and a pen, and write down what you are
afraid of, like saying something to a girl
2. Next, write down the worst possible scenario for what you fear
might happen if you say something to her. For example, you might
write, “If I say something to her, she's going to give me a weird
look, ignore me and walk away, and everybody around me is going
to see what I've done and judge me, and I'll be embarrassed. Then
she'll tell everybody I know about what I did, and I'll get out casted
from the society and won't be allowed to play with other kids
anymore.”
:: 68 ::
3. When you stop writing, look at what you wrote, and ask yourself,
“Is this really going to happen?”
4. You will see that your usual answer is No. What you secretly believe
will happen is not probably going to happen. However, as you look
at your worst-case scenario, say to yourself these words, “I can
HANDLE it.”
When you say “I can HANDLE it”, you will feel a shift inside of you, and
that fear won't have as much power as before.
Why?
Because for the first time, you will see what the WORST THING that
can happen is, and you'll affirm to yourself that you CAN handle it.
And remember, you don't need to eliminate the fear completely.
What you need is to just bring yourself to a point where you feel you’re
not PARALYZED from fear, so you can take that first STEP.
So right now, take a clean sheet of paper and do this exercise.
#2: The Rocking Chair
The way this exercise works is, you take something that you feel fear
about, and then you imagine yourself being 80 years old, sitting on your
rocking chair.
And as you're imagining yourself sitting there, you ask yourself,
“Would I feel regret about not doing this when I'm in that rocking chair?”
If the answer is yes, you will notice that this can be a powerful way of
seeing the big picture and beyond your fear.
This was a very powerful technique for me, because it opened my eyes
to what my life really was – and to what I wanted it to be.
So I decided I’m not going to be stopped by my fear, but live my life
fully.
So again, take a sheet of paper, and write something you’re afraid of
doing. Then write this question down, “If I was 80 years old now, would I
regret not doing this?” Then think about the answer. It might shock you.
:: 69 ::
Approach Anxiety
Has it ever happened to you, that you were standing somewhere, like
in a club or a coffee shop, just minding your own business…and as you
turned around you suddenly saw HER.
And she was so nice and beautiful, she was just the kind of person that
you would want to get to know.
And at that moment, a thought went through your mind, “I should say
something to her.”
But right as you took that first step, and you were about to open your
mouth and say something, you felt this SINKING feeling in your stomach,
your mind went BLANK, your hands started SWEATING, and all you could
do was stand there like a deer caught in the headlights…
If you ever had this happen to you, then you were what you were
experiencing was a state of APPROACH ANXIETY.
Approach anxiety is a term we use to describe a state when you want
to say something to a girl that you like, but all you can do is, well,
nothing.
Approach anxiety is very common for guys, so you're not alone in this.
We established that fear is what stops you. So what is approach
anxiety then?
Approach anxiety is a form of fear…but it’s a specific kind of fear
because it combines MORE fears in one.
Approach anxiety is such a specific fear because it’s a combination of
more than one fear in one moment.
So how to handle it?
How to deal with approach anxiety
When it comes to approach anxiety, I’ve discovered that you can’t deal
with it with usual advice “Just do it” etc.
Merely trying to eliminate your anxiety with logic and saying to
yourself, “I don’t have anything to be afraid of…I should just do it…” just
doesn’t work.
:: 70 ::
What works is if you combine MULTIPLE solutions. So you do want to
understand your fear logically, but you also want to use some techniques
that will deal with your fear on an EMOTIONAL level.
I'm going to share with you some of the techniques at the end of this
chapter, first let's understand what's behind your approach anxiety.
Let’s discover what are you REALLY afraid would happen if you
approach a woman.
In the past few years, I’ve been actively helping guys overcome their
approach anxiety. I even got a reputation as being the “The Approach
Anxiety Go-To Guy”.
And after working with literally hundreds of guys, I’ve discovered that
there are 5 fears that are common to every single guy who feels
approach anxiety.
I call them the…
5 Scary Bears
If you feel approach anxiety, then you’re probably going to find
yourself within these 5 fears.
1. Fear of being rejected and ignored
2. Fear of being perceived as weird or creepy
3. Fear that her boyfriend is close and might cause a problem
4. Fear of how to handle the situation if the woman actually accepts
you after you say "Hi"
5. Fear of EMBARASSEMENT; Worrying what her friends or people
around might think of you
Let's take a closer look at each fear.
1. Fear of being rejected and ignored
The first fear that most guys have about approaching a woman is the
fear of being rejected by the girl. They fear that when they go over to say
something to a girl, she will push them away or reject them in some way.
:: 71 ::
While this can be true, it's not nearly as true as we would think to be.
Women don't wake up in the morning, hoping that they will have an
opportunity to violently reject a guy.
Sure, some specific women like the idea of rejecting a guy, but women
who do this are insecure themselves, and want to regain some of their
sense of value by putting down a random guy.
And that's not the majority of women. The majority of women are
normal human beings, with friends, family, their own problems, dreams,
and aspirations.
They want to be considered nice, not a bitch. So a lot of women will
respond nicely, or will not respond in a rude way.
If she's not interested in you, a lot of women will smile and tell you
that. If you keep pushing it, she'll slowly leave with a smile. But very few
of them will push you away, hit you or spit you in the face.
Dude.
So don't be afraid that a woman will reject you, because chances are,
she's going to smile and be nice to you.
2. Fear of being perceived as weird or creepy
This one is big fear for most guys. Most guys feel weird and awkward,
and they legitimately think the woman would give them the "who the hell
is this creep and what does he want from me" look.
The reason I say legitimately is that most guys are so anxious and
tense that the woman would probably think of them as weird – and would
give them the weird look.
We all have in our mind an image of a drawling stalker and we are
scared to death that a woman might perceive us as one.
Here's a secret: Whatever you focus on with strong enough emotion
tends to happen.
So if everything you imagine is a woman giving you a weird look, and
thinking of you as, "Who's this weirdo", and you approach her in that
state… then you will PROJECT that state to her, and create a very good
chance that she will respond to you that way.
So the cure is to stop focusing on it!
:: 72 ::
Instead of imagining a girl giving you a weird look, see her SMILING,
being somewhat anxious herself (which in 99% of the cases she is), and
having her face brighten up when you say something to her.
Close your eyes and imagine that a couple of times before you say
something.
3. Fear that her boyfriend is close and might cause a problem
The next fear guys have is this idea of her boyfriend being near, and
starting a problem if he see's you with her.
In my experience, guys don’t tend to start a problem if they see you
talking with their girl. Most guys are actually kind of cool about it, as they
don’t want to appear too jealous… although they probably aren't happy
about it.
If it ever happens to you that you start a conversation with a girl, and
her boyfriend shows up, here’s what I suggest you do:
You're talking with a girl.
Her boyfriend shows up.
You go: Hey man, that's your girl? Great catch, I hope you have a
great time together, bye.
And then leave.
There is some advice out there that teaches you how to get your way
around this as well. However, why bother?
If she has a boyfriend – why do you need her? Move on to the next
girl.
4. Fear of not knowing what to say after Hi
I hear guys say that all the time - I won't know what to say next. I fear
I'll get nervous, fumble over my words and mess everything up.
As I discovered, most guys are so caught in the mind frame of, “she's
going to reject me”, that they can't even imagine a girl actually liking
them after they say “Hi” to her.
Believe it or not, if you say something to a girl in a normal surrounding
(one that's not a loud night club where guys are hovering around her like
:: 73 ::
bees around honey), there is I would say about 99% chance that a girl will
respond positively to you.
And when she does, then what?
I will teach you the skill on continuing the conversation later in section
two of this book, so you will feel confident and competent that you know
how to continue after Hi.
But the main thing to remember is that you CAN HANDLE it. If you can
have a conversation with your friend, you can have a conversation with a
girl.
You don't need to know everything. Your body will give you all the
answers when you start talking.
TRUST it.
5. Worrying what her friends or the people around might think
It's very common that the girl that you want to talk to is not alone, but
with some other people. It might be her friend or more friends, or just
people around you.
And most guys worry what those people around might think. They
worry the people might think of them as creepy, weird, or just laugh at
them.
However, most people don't really care about you or what you're
doing.
Think about from your own perspective. Do you walk around focused
on what other people are doing, or are you in your head thinking about
your life?
Most people are too busy thinking of THEMSELVES.
They are too busy thinking about their imaginary problems, so they
don't have time to think about your imaginary problems.
Dude, I think you can tweet that.
In addition to most people not caring about you, if they would see you
talking with their friend, most people would actually support you.
“Ooo that's so cute.”
:: 74 ::
In addition, most people are somewhat insecure themselves, so when
you start talking they assume you must be very confident.
But it is your ASSUMPTION that they will think of you badly that causes
you problems.
I remember changing my thinking from assuming people would judge
me, to thinking that people would find it kind of cute and would smile and
giggle in a “wow I would love to do it too” way.
So instead of imagining a group of people looking at me while
approaching a girl and pointing their index fingers at me, I started
imagining them giggling in a "o that's so cute" way.
And guess what?
That actually started happening.
I was approaching women among people, and people just found it
adorable. They smiled with me, and a lot of them even encouraged her to
go out with me.
Now that's what I call a supporting audience.
We are all creatures of love. We need love in our life. Yes, there's a lot
of hate, but if we see somebody sharing the love, i.e. approaching a girl,
most people find it adorable.
So there is NO SHAME in pursuing love.
On the fear of getting EMBARASSED
I don’t know of any other fear that makes us waste our life as much as
the fear of being embarrassed.
In my opinion, a life without embarrassment and occasional humiliation
is a very boring life.
That’s why I suggest you accept embarrassment and humiliation as
not only a fact of life, but as a sign that you're doing something RIGHT.
Think about it. If you sit in your room all day, and you never go out or
do anything, what are the chances of you getting embarrassed or
humiliated?
Probably very slim… unless of course your friends beat you on star
craft.
:: 75 ::
That’s just humiliating.
If you're getting embarrassed, then at least you're doing something.
I know people who try to be so cool and never get embarrassed or
humiliated, that they act like machines.
Screw that.
At the end of our life, when we're in that rocking chair, we will ask
ourselves: “Did I live my life?”
At that point, I think we will mostly regret the things we DIDN’T do
than the things we did do.
So if there is a chance for me to do something that I really want to do,
but I risk being embarrassed or humiliated, so what?
Ask yourself what’s the WORST thing that can happen if you get
embarrassed?”
Will you die or lose a leg?
Chances are, you won't die, and you won't lose a leg either. You will be
just fine. You'll be stuck with just another story to laugh over with your
friends.
And you can handle that.
So open your armor shield, let go of the act, and start living your life
through embarrassment!
Eliminate your approach anxiety in 3 steps
I want to share with you a technique that can help you eliminate your
approach anxiety.
It's called OWNING your anxiety.
When most guys experience approach anxiety, what they’ll most often
do is try to FIGHT it.
They'll say stuff like, “O man why do I feel this anxiety…I shouldn't feel
it…I wish it would go away…”
But when you try to fight your anxiety, this creates even MORE
anxiety.
:: 76 ::
It’s kind of like getting angry at yourself for being angry. It only makes
things worse.
That's why you don't want to fight it…you want to do the OPPOSITE of
what most guys do.
Instead of FIGHTING your approach anxiety, you want to ACCEPT it
and EXPERIENCE it FULLY.
You want to OWN it.
What do I mean?
Well let’s say you're at a shopping mall, and you see a cute girl, and
maybe she’s looking at you and showing you signs that she wants you to
talk to her.
And then you feel it…first you feel it in your stomach, and then it starts
to build up through your entire body.
At that point, instead of saying to yourself, “O I shouldn’t feel this
anxiety…why do I always feel this” and running away, you want to do the
following:
1. Recognize that your anxiety is there. Recognize where do you
feel that anxiety, recognize how strong it is, recognize in which part
of your body you feel it exactly...try to even figure out the color and
the temperature of this feeling.
2. Once you recognize where it is, ACCEPT it… feel it deeply.
BREATHE into the emotion, and OWN it. Don’t try to fight it to
leave. Accept that it is there, and even go a step further –
WELCOME it. In your mind say, “I accept the fact that I feel
approach anxiety right now…I accept it fully and welcome it. Thank
you for being here”.
You see, the purpose of fear is always to PROTECT you, not harm
you. So it doesn't make sense to hate…thank it for being there.
3. After you do this, you’ll notice your anxiety slowly becoming
weaker and weaker until eventually dissolving into thin air. When
that happens, ACT on what you want to do. If you want to start a
conversation, OPEN your mouth and start talking. You’ll notice it will
be a lot easier for you to say something after you’ve owned your
anxiety.
:: 77 ::
This is a POWERFUL technique, but in order for this to work, you need
to expose yourself to an intense emotional experience, where you can
REALLY feel it. And when that happens, follow the 3 steps.
Approach Anxiety Destroyer
Now, if you want to use something that you could use from your home,
I've spent 7 years developing a technique that would work as a “magic
pill” which you could take and eliminate your anxiety.
And I finally discovered it.
It's called whiskey.
You can get it in your nearest liquor store.
I'm kidding of course. The real technique is called “The Approach
Anxiety Destroyer”, and the way it works is it puts you in the mind of a
woman for a minute, and by doing that, it eliminates your approach
anxiety.
The technique is very effective, and it literally helped hundreds of guys
all around the world eliminate their approach anxiety from the comfort of
their home.
The technique leads you through a 3-part process that lasts about an
hour.
-
Step 1 is you listen to a 30 minute recorded lesson from me
Step 2, you do a short 15 minute exercise
Step 3, you listen to a 13 minute visualization exercise, which puts
you in a hypnotic trance and eliminates your approach anxiety.
You can check it out at www.volcanoconfidence.com
I recommend you combine the OWN exercise with the Approach
Anxiety Destroyer. Together they will destroy your approach anxiety.
So let's review what did you learn about fear:
1. You learned that fear is a state, just like confidence or anxiety.
2. You learned about comfort zone, and that fear is the line that
divides your comfort zone.
:: 78 ::
3. You learned that your biggest fear is that you won’t be able to
HANDLE if something happens.
4. The way to kill the fear is to start confronting things that make you
feel uncomfortable, not avoiding them. Don't avoid life.
5. Your biggest fears are not so bad. Women don't really want to
reject you, people don't really want to judge you – we are mostly
driven by love not by hate.
6. At the end of our life we will ask ourselves: "Did I really live?" So
make sure you do something when you really want to, even though
you might feel embarrassed or humiliated. You are strong enough to
handle it.
You've learned a lot by now. If you apply what you learned in the
previous three chapters, you will have the base for becoming the natural.
:: 79 ::
Chapter 7: Understanding Women
A very common question I get from guys is, "What is she thinking
when I start a conversation and talk with her?"
Most guys want to know what goes through a woman's mind because
usually a woman's mind is a complete mystery for guys.
I think the reason why so many guys ask me this is because of that
element of unknown which we talked about in the chapter on fear.
So now I'm going to explain to you what EXACTLY goes on through a
woman's mind at that moment. This just might be the most important
chapter you read about women, ever.
Two things are important when it comes to knowing what goes on
through her mind when you talk to her.
The first thing has to do with what guys wrongly assume that women
WANT (obviously).
And the second thing has to do with what guys wrongly assume, about
how confident hot women feel.
First, let's shed some light into
Wrong Assumption #1: Women and Men think want the
SAME things
Some guys think that women want the same things as men, and some
think that women want very different things than men.
So who is right?
Well, they are both right and wrong.
The truth is somewhere in between. The main idea is this: Women DO
want the same things as men, but they EXPERIENCE it differently.
So if we take sex as an example. Both men and women do want sex,
but women experience sex differently than men. For women, sex is the
climax of teasing, playing, and building sexual tension. For men, sex is
taking your clothes off and doing the job. There's nothing before or after.
So it's the same outcome, but with a different experience.
:: 80 ::
Both men and women want to feel sexy. But women feel sexy by
wearing a sexy dress, and men might feel sexy when they're in their
garage, covered with grease.
It goes the same for conversation. Women and men do enjoy having a
conversation, but men experience conversation as more LOGICAL, while
women experience it as more EMOTIONAL.
Men like to talk about tools, sports, doing something, traffic directions,
all in certain sequence; 1,2,3 etc.
Women like to talk about drama, gossip, secrets, and emotions. They
don't think in sequence; they think in colors and feelings and sounds.
Again, we both want a conversation, but we experience it differently.
So what happens when you want to have a conversation with a woman
that you don't know?
Well, when a guy wants to start a conversation with a woman, he
assumes that she wants the same experience as he does. So he starts
talking logic, and ignores emotion.
He talks about his career, he talks about what he does at work, he
starts asking her logical questions like "Where are you from" and "where
did you go to school", thinking that this kind of conversation will create a
bond and make the woman like him.
But usually, this kind of conversation is bores the woman out, because
it's too logical and dry (which keeps the guy dry too).
However, if a guy has a conversation with a woman, and in the middle
of the conversation he says to her, "You know, there's something about
you…it's weird, because on the one hand you seem like a nice girl, but
underneath that there's something like evil adventurous about you"
…Then this kind of talk is going to have a PROFOUND difference in how
a woman feels about a guy.
This kind of a conversation doesn't make sense to guys. I mean, why
would anyone want to talk like that?
Well, talking like that accomplishes a lot of things. One, it creates
mystery; it creates a little bit of drama and shows unpredictability. This
kind of conversation is EMOTIONAL and not logical.
:: 81 ::
It has JUICE of life, emotions, and women LOVE it, because it's just
how they function.
If you want to learn more about how women function, go and read
some romance novels, like Fifty Shades Of Gray by E.L. James or Bet Me
by Jennifer Crusie.
You'll understand how LOADED with emotion and juice these books
are…and they are best sellers.
So keep this in mind; The dryer the conversation you make, the dryer
you'll bee.
And you can tweet that.
BAM!
So women and men do want the same things, however, the difference
is in how they EXPERIENCE what they want.
Wrong Assumption #2: Hot Women Have Perfect
Confidence
Let's go on to the next BIG wrong assumption guys have – How
confident hot women really feel.
Most guys believe, that if a woman is attractive, her life is PERFECT.
They assume she has no insecurities, that she has no problems, that she
has perfect confidence and self-esteem, etc.
Most guys can't even begin to IMAGINE that the woman might have
normal life problems like every person on the planet.
They can't even imagine a hot woman could feel insecure about how
she looks. They can't even imagine that a woman can actually feel
approach anxiety and fear of rejection about talking to men.
So the first and biggest mistake most guys make when it comes to
women, is assuming that hot women are perfect.
But this can't be further from the truth.
:: 82 ::
The women's CHATTERBOX
In the book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyways, Susan Jeffers talks about
a chatter box in our head. She gives an example of a woman who went
out on the first date with a guy, and he didn't call her the next day.
So her chatter box turns on, “He doesn't like me. Did I do something
wrong? I probably did. O stupid. But could it be him? No, it's not him, it's me.
Is he going to call? Maybe I should call him and apologize. But for what? For
not calling me? That bastard! O I'm such a loser. I should call him…”
If you're making a weird face in confusion right now, don't. That's the
life of a woman. This chatterbox is never quiet. It's ALWAYS on. They are
constantly questioning everything, second-guessing, asking her friends for
advice and opinion (who have their chatterboxes turned on too).
So I'm not saying that most women walk around broken and feeling
like they aren't worth anything, but I'm saying that most of them don't
have the rock-solid confidence that most guys assume.
And if you don't believe me, who better to ask than a former super
model.
I recently watched a TED talk by a former super model, Cameron
Russell.
In her talk, she said, and I quote:
“People often ask me what is it like to be a model. And I think the answer
that they are looking for is, if you are a little bit skinnier and you have shinier
hair, you will be so happy and fabulous. And when we're back stage, we give an
answer that maybe makes it seem like that. We say, it's really amazing to travel
and it's amazing to get to work with creative, inspired, and passionate people.
And those things are true, but they are only one half of the story. Because the
thing that we never say on camera, that I have never said on camera, is, I am
insecure. And I'm insecure because I have to think about what I look like every
day.”
As you can see, just because a woman is hot, it doesn’t mean that she
has a rock-solid confidence. In fact, most of the time, she feels insecure
BECAUSE she is hot.
A hot woman is expected to look a certain way…and she has to THINK
about how she looks like all the time.
:: 83 ::
That's why what a woman is looking for is somebody who will see PAST
that…who will be strong enough so she can relax and be who she really is
around him.
There's a saying that men date women for what they're not, and they
leave them for what they are.
So they date women for their good looks…, their physical
attractiveness, but leave them once they find out who they are inside.
As a natural, you want to see past her looks, and understand that
she's a REAL person behind that "hot babe" mask. She has her
insecurities, doubts, and fears.
She's not perfect.
So as you're talking with her, don't treat her like a goddess just
because she's hot. Don't elevate her above yourself and give her some
special treatment because she's beautiful.
Treat her just as you would treat anybody else.
:: 84 ::
Chapter 8: Look Good
I was in high school on my lunch break, when I overheard 2 girls
talking.
I was a geek back then, so they weren't paying any attention to me. I
eves dropped on the conversation, just for fun.
They were talking about what makes a guy good looking. And one of
them said something that stuck with me to this day.
She said: “It doesn't really matter if a guy is handsome or not. The
thing that matters is that a guy takes care of himself. I want him to look
at least ok so that I can show him to my friends and not be embarrassed.”
It was the sweetest 2 minutes of my life. Well, second sweetest. You
know what I mean.
But anyways, up until that moment, I always thought that women look
at guys the same way as we look on them. I thought they look how “cute”
or “beautiful” face we have.
But the more I researched, the more I realized, that women play a
completely different ball game.
I discovered guys who were well, downright UGLY, and still were dating
these amazing hot women.
Do you know how Casanova looked like?
Google him. He’s not that pretty. He has a baby face and a crooked
nose.
Gee's.
And he wrote his autobiography describing relationships with around
1000 women.
And it wasn’t because of his beautiful face.
That being said, he didn't LOOK like a bum from the street either.
:: 85 ::
It’s not your LOOKS, It’s Your LOOK that matters
For us, it's about how a woman's face looks. The more a woman’s face
is symmetric, the more attractive she looks. If her facial features are not
symmetrical, then we consider her as less attractive.
But when it comes to what women want in a guy, they don't pay as
much attention to our facial symmetry as they do to how we LOOK.
I'm not saying that how your face looks isn’t going to help… I'm just
saying that even if you're downright ugly, the game is still not lost.
You can make it up with your confidence and LOOK.
Your Look
So what do I mean by your look?
Your LOOKS are how you face looks like.
But your LOOK is your overall appearance…the way you dress, the way
you carry yourself, your body language, your energy and state, your face
expression etc.
It’s how you LOOK.
When it comes to your look, there are 3 categories that you want to
pay attention to:
-
Your PHYSICAL shape
Your personal HYGIENE
The CLOTHES you wear
If the color of your belt doesn’t match the color of your shoes, women
have a problem with it.
If you can’t take 3 steps up the stairs before catching a breath, women
will notice it.
If you have let yourself go so much that you have hairs growing from
your ears and nose, and they are noticeably visible, women are going to
have a problem with it.
:: 86 ::
1. Get into at least OK shape
The first thing I want to encourage you to do is to get into an at least
OK shape. You don't have to be Mr. Universe, but try to remove that
excess spare tire around your hips.
Do some push-ups and sit-ups every morning, tone down on the
burritos, and you will feel the changes soon.
One of the things that I have noticed about guys with no physical
activity is their posture. Their posture tends to be slouched, shoulders
down in a somewhat submissive position.
Physical activity is also the best way to eliminate excess nervousness
and tension. When you run for example, your body releases endorphins
that act like a drug in your body, so it releases all that tension and excess
anxiety.
Also, having some physical activity helps you be more comfortable in
your body. You get used to putting your body in different positions, so you
look more flexible when you walk, and you feel more natural with yourself.
Here are some examples of exercises you can try:
Running
I love running because it is the simplest form of exercise. You don't
need much – just put on your shoes and get moving. You can get
awesome results from just a few minutes of running.
Trampoline
Exercising with the trampoline is, in my opinion, the most fun. You just
jump up and down, and when you get comfortable, you can start doing
flips (just be careful not to land on your head). With this exercise you will
totally relax your body and become more flexible. I highly recommend it.
Dancing
If you have the opportunity to join a dancing class, dancing is a great
way of exercise. With this exercise, you're not only exercising, you're also
getting into your body, you're meeting people (women love dancing), and
you're getting used to the opposite sex holding and grabbing you. I would
recommend this especially if you're really awkward with women.
:: 87 ::
You can also go on YouTube and search "dancing lessons". This is a low
cost method of learning a few moves. And lastly, just putting up some
music and dancing however you feel like is also a great idea. Just make
sure those fancy moves actually look fancy before you hit the club.
Marshall Arts
Marshall Arts are good because you let go some of your aggressive
energy, you learn to defend yourself and you really become more
comfortable around people. The main reason for this is because that fear
of confrontation isn't there anymore. You get kind of OK with the idea of
getting into a confrontation.
I would suggest that you try to combine Marshall Arts with dancing.
With the first, you will learn to be firm, with the other you will learn to be
gentle. Like a real gentleman.
Fitness and lifting weights
This one was a big one for me. Lifting weights helped me construct my
body the way I wanted it. And women noticed it.
Remember, it's not your facial symmetry that is important, but your
look is. If your shoulders are narrow and your hips wide, and your body is
shaped like a pyramid, it's not going to look that good.
Again, this is not a rule. These things can and will help you, but are not
the rule. Can you be successful with women even though you're not
shaped like Schwarzenegger in his prime?
Do you remember what I said in the beginning about the modern Don
Juan?
He wasn't buffed, he wasn't fashionably dressed – and he still had
more success than most guys will ever dream of.
What I want to encourage you is to be your BEST self. If you feel you
would like to have a more cut body, then do that. Don't try to get all
buffed in the gym because Phantom said so.
Group sports – Basketball, football, beach volley etc.
I like group sports because they are fun. These sports engage you
entire body and mind. You are fully there so to speak when you do them.
You also get very comfortable with interacting with people. In beach volley
:: 88 ::
you get to play with women as well…so that's an extra bonus. So find
some groups that accept new member, and get moving with a group
sport.
Yoga, Tai Chi and similar exercises
Yoga can actually do a lot for you. It can get you out of your head, and
into your body…and it can make your body look really toned. So I
recommend it.
There are even some online tutorials you can find online, and start
practicing.
Overall I would encourage you to create a ritual in your life, where you
take regular time to do some physical exercise.
2. Your Personal Hygiene
I want to emphasize this issue of personal hygiene, and lay out the
parts that go beyond just taking a shower.
Showering
This one is an obvious one. Every morning, when you get out of bed,
take a 2 min shower. It will help you wake up, it will refresh you and you
will smell good. Also, every evening before you go to bed, take a 2 min
shower. You'll keep your sheets clean and you will feel better.
Ears
Ears can be a source of a lot of filth. So make sure you trim the hair in
them and clean them good.
Hair and hair cut
Your hairs are something that is visible all the time. One very
important thing about hair is to make sure they aren't greasy. Try to
choose a shampoo that works well with the type of your hair.
Also, your hair cut can make a lot out of you. So you might want to
consider investing a little bit more in your hair cut so it suits your face.
Body hair
Women tend to notice your neck hair a lot. So make sure the hair on
your neck is trimmed. It shows you're taking care of yourself regularly.
:: 89 ::
As far as it goes for the rest of your body hair, trim it. The word you
want to keep in mind is "not too much". So anything that's excessive
won't work. If you notice you have too much hair somewhere, just trim it.
If you wear a beard, make sure it's not too much and that it's neatly
trimmed. You can have a beard and mustache if you keep them trimmed
and not lose to rage on the world.
Nails
Keep your nails trimmed. Don't bite your nails. If you have a habit of
biting on your nails, your hands look weird. If you have a habit of biting
your foot nails, then they look really weird.
That was for my own entertainment. But you get the point.
Clothes & Underwear
Make sure your clothes don't have any grease stains or other dirt.
Again, women notice this, so keep a schedule on your laundry. As for the
underwear, I probably don't have to emphasize changing it every day. Not
turning it around, changing it.
Shoes
Most guys buy a pair of shoes and never clean them. Women tend to
look at your shoes a lot. A lot of dust and dirt get on them, so cleaning
them weekly would probably be a good idea. If you have white shoes, use
a whitening tool.
Smell
We men have different smell then women do. Although women tend to
like how we smell naturally, using a nice perfume can go a long way. Go
to the perfume store and have the clerk there (make sure she's a woman)
help you pick one. Smelling good can be the difference between women
wanting to be around you and avoiding you like a plague. If you feel
comfortable using per spirants, use them. They stop that awful smell from
your armpits to come on the surface and suffocate the woman.
Breath
Keep your breath fresh at all times. Period. Don't ever catch yourself
having a bad breath. So brushing your teeth is obviously a must, and I
also recommend keeping a mouth refresher handy.
:: 90 ::
Your Car
This one is not obvious to most guys. If you have a car, make sure you
keep it clean and smelling good. Clean and wash your car at least once
per week.
Buy some car perfume and have your car smell nice. I've noticed
women really like the smell of strawberries. Get a garbage bag to throw
stuff in, like receipts and lunch boxes. And empty it often. Avoid eating in
your car, as we tend to make a mess. Don't keep clothes or sox all over
your car.
Your Place
Keep your place of living tidy. Don't have food left over's on the table.
Keep your bathroom clean. Keep your bed made. The reason you want to
keep your place tidy is because you want to be ready at any time to have
a girl come over. If your place is a mess, then in the back of your mind
you will always have that thought: "But my place is a mess".
To recap everything with one word, keep yourself and your
environment TIDY. Keep your clothes tidy, yourself tidy, your hygiene,
your place, your car – everything.
If this wasn't a habit of yours until now, I suggest you start doing that
from now on. You will also project this quality onto others. Believe it or
not, people can sense whether you are a tidy person or not.
3. The Clothes You Wear
Ok, so it's time for some fashion advice for you. Teaching you fashion
can be a book by itself. This topic is big, so we’re just going to scratch the
surface here.
When it comes to fashion, you don't have to be a male model to know
about it.
When it comes to fashion, the most important thing to remember is
the colors.
You need to know which colors go together and which ones don't. An
example of a color that doesn't match really good is red and green. It's
probably not a good idea to wear green pants with a red shirt – unless
your name is Rasta and you have kids that you don’t know about.
:: 91 ::
Ya man.
Wear Matching Colors
When combining clothes, make sure you have a color MATCH.
If you look at women, their shoes, hand bag, and belt match. So if
she's wearing black shoes, her hand bag is probably black too… and she
has one piece of clothing, like her belt, to match the her hand bag and
shoes.
What you won't see is a woman in PINK shoes, with a GREEN belt and
a BLACK top.
Women are great color matchers.
When it comes to colors, you can follow the old classics – BLACK and
WHITE.
WHITE or BLACK are neutral colors, so you can match a neutral color
with any color you like.
And also, when it comes to colors, you want to remember the rule of 3.
This means that at most, you're wearing 3 different colors.
So don't have brown shoes, white pants, blue shirt and black belt.
If you're wearing BROWN shoes, you can wear BLACK or GRAY pants,
BROWN belt and a WHITE shirt.
So only 3 colors.
Also, make sure you wear clothes that FIT you. I sometimes see guys
wearing clothes that are just too big on them. Make sure your pants aren’t
too wide around your waste, so you have that spare pants around. It just
doesn’t look good. If you’re wearing a shirt, make sure it’s the right size.
Don’t wear XXL size when you only need XL or L.
I always suggest that if you want to dress nicely, you get somebody to
help you out. You probably know at least one friend who knows how to
dress well. Ask for his or her help.
One of the best ways to dress nice is to go to a clothing store, and ask
the clerk for help.
:: 92 ::
Just say: “Hey I want to buy some shirts and pants. Can you help me
find something that would work for me, I'm kind of a geek when it comes to
this stuff.”
And let yourself be treated. Don't worry; they won't pick the most
expensive one, just state the price range you're looking for.
But I recommend that you study fashion a little bit. Study which
clothes look good on you and which ones don’t, so you develop your own
STYLE of clothing.
:: 93 ::
Chapter 9: Live Your Life
So we came to the last chapter of who you need to be.
So far, you've learned what women are really attracted to – your
confidence. You also learned that confidence is merely a state, and that
you can turn it on whenever you want to, just by changing three things –
your body, your focus and your language.
You've learned the power of your beliefs and how they control your
behavior and your thinking. You also learned nine beliefs that every
naturally confident man has.
You've learned what fear is and how to overcome it, and you also
learned how to make yourself LOOK good.
Now I'm going to share with you something that could be its own book
in itself. This concept is so important that if you're not following it,
everything you learned is going to be useless on the long run.
It's the concept of living your life.
Quit thinking, start living
Do you LIVE your life?
When I ask this question to my members, I usually get a response of
silence.
It's my belief that very few of us actually LIVE our lives. If you're in
your house, watching movies or playing video games all day - unless that
is what you REALLY want to do with your life, I'm going to suggest that
you're not really living your life.
Your life is living you.
To live your life means that you're on some path where you are GOING
AFTER WHAT YOU WANT in your life.
If you're in a job you hate, and you still wake up every day and go to
work because you don't know what else you would do…I suggest you take
a moment to think about what are you actually doing with your life?
Is this what you were dreaming about when you were growing up?
:: 94 ::
You see, putting yourself into a confident state to be more attractive to
women can and will work. However, if you are going after what you want
in your life FULL BLOWN, then this is going to give you that state
AUTOMATICALLY.
You see, a natural has this air of “I'm on my way to somewhere.”
When you see a natural, you don't feel like he's somebody who
wanders around.
A natural knows what he wants in life and he goes after it…which gives
him this underlying energy and enthusiasm for everything he does,
as opposed to the NUMBED feeling that you can see in most guys.
As Henry David Thoreau said, “Most people lead lives of quiet
desperation.”
Most guys THINK their life… they think about what's “realistic” for them
and what not, instead of TAKING ACTION and really doing what they want
to do.
So quit thinking…and start LIVING.
How To Live Your Life
Now that’s an interesting title. Look at me, teaching you how to live
your life.
I’m not actually going to tell you how to live your life; I’m going to tell
you how to LIVE your life.
I’m going to show you what you need to do to feel like you’re truly
ALIVE in your life.
Align Yourself With Your Heart's Desire
The first step to living your life is to ALIGN yourself with what your
heart really wants.
What do I mean?
Well, what do you really want in your heart?
Are you dreaming to be a musician?
Do you want to be a film writer or an actor?
:: 95 ::
Do you want to travel the world?
Maybe it’s not something big…maybe you just want to live your life in
some other way, doing something else then you now do.
But as you think about what you would want, inevitably some form of
SHAME will show up.
Shame comes out as a form of self-doubt, insecurities, and
disempowering self-talk.
You say to yourself, “O who am I to think I could do that” or “Other
people can, but I can't.”
You convince yourself OUT of your true desires, because shame kicks
in.
The source of this shame could be your friends, your teachers, your
parents or social programming.
DON’T feel shame about your desires. If you have a desire, it's
legitimate and it is your duty to listen to it.
I used to have this job that I hated. I hated the industry, I hated the
conversations I had to have with clients, – and everything in my body was
telling me to leave. But I didn’t listen to that part of me, because when I
thought about doing what I really wanted to do, I would feel shame and
convince myself out of it.
I will never forget my days in that job – when it feels wrong, walk
away from it.
Are you doing something that doesn't feel quite right for you, but you
can’t imagine yourself doing it?
I'm suggesting you to reach deep, very deep in your heart and ask
yourself, “What is my heart really telling me?”
Act On Your Heart Desire
The second part of living your life, besides being true with yourself and
aligning with your heart's desire, is to ACT on your heart's desire.
It's not enough to only feel what your heart truly desires, you need to
step up and act on it.
But here's the tricky part.
:: 96 ::
Every time you want to act on your heart's desire, you face with your
FEAR.
You will feel like you're stepping into a dark, unknown cave.
I have a friend who since he was a little boy wanted to be a CEO of
some kind. He used to say to everybody, “When I grow up, I'm going to
be a CEO.”
He made a goal for himself that he's going to be a CEO by the age of
24.
Sure enough, he made it.
But soon he felt miserable in his job. He didn't feel like this was really
what he should be doing in his life.
After a time of soul searching, he discovered that he was really a CEO
because he thought that was what his parents wanted him to be.
He remembered that as a kid, his parents would praise and admired
people who were CEO's so he connected the two – I want to make my
parents and family proud, so I'm going to be a CEO.
But deep in his heart, he wanted to be connected with something else.
He wanted the connection with sports.
But when he thought about the idea of quitting his job and doing
something that would be connected with sports, SHAME kicked in…
He thought of all the reasons why he couldn’t do it…he would make
excuses and have all kinds of doubts about it.
He'd thought about what his parents and his family would think of his
decision to quit his job and pursue some “wild dream” of his…
Finally, he got rid of shame, broke through his fear, and acted on his
desire.
He cut his job loose and threw himself into sports management
business.
Today, he’s living his life.
When I ask him about his decision today, he just says:
“This is it.”
:: 97 ::
So realize that as you're thinking about what you want to do, shame
and FEAR are going to show up.
But when that happens, I want you to take that is a sign that that path
is the right path for you.
It is your JOURNEY.
A book I always recommend to all of my coaching members is a book
called The Hero's Journey.
In this book, the author Joseph Campbell combined all of the stories of
all the heroes throughout history. He then combined all the stories into
one, universal story that repeats itself over and over again.
So every story you know of, Harry Potter, Lord of The Rings or Star
Wars, they all have the same structure.
And the structure is this:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Call to adventure
Refusal of the call
Meeting the mentor
Crossing the Threshold
Facing challenges, enemies and allies
The dark cave – facing his greatest fear
Conquering his greatest fear
Reward
Return
Living with a new understanding
When you align yourself with your true heart's desire, you will get a
call. It may come in the form of an idea, a flash, or a feeling.
When that happens, you will probably refuse the call.
-
“I could never do that”
“I don't have what it takes”
“I'll do it someday…but not now“
The way you refuse the call is by shame. You start listening to your
doubts and insecurities, and you convince yourself out of it.
When you picked up this book, you’ve meet me as your mentor.
:: 98 ::
If you're read this book so far, then you’re reading it for a reason. You
can use some of the tools in this book to overcome your initial fears and
doubts.
But you need to understand, that the entire journey is on you. I can
help you – but I can't do it for you.
You have to do it.
If you manage to let go of your fears, doubts and insecurities, you will
move on to crossing the threshold.
A threshold is a point when you leave your everyday world and you set
out on your journey.
It's like a gate in the airport, or a line between a sunny prairie and a
dark forest.
It's taking the first step into the dark cave.
After you take that first step and you cross the threshold, you face the
challenges - doubts and insecurities, the frustration and failures, and
your greatest fear.
Maybe it's one of the fears that we've been talking about in the chapter
on fears, maybe it's some other fear that you hold.
Just know, that when you set out on your journey, you will have to
face it.
After you face it, you will get the reward that you’re after.
And when you return to your normal life, you’re not going to be feel
the same. You’ll feel different.
I’ve went through this journey myself. And I can tell you, that until I
set myself to do what I REALLY wanted to do, I never felt that I was living
my life.
When you respond to the call to what you REALLY want to do, you will
feel like you're LIVING your life.
So as you’re reading this, you probably already know what the thing
that you really want to do is… and you probably have your own excuses as
reasons that you tell yourself for why you can’t do it…
:: 99 ::
So just know, as you’re thinking about the thing that you really want
to do, that no matter how scary the path seems to be ahead of you, at the
end, things always turn out OK.
Somehow, the universe helps you.
You probably heard the saying “Fortune favors the brave.”
There’s an old Bosnian saying: “Luck follows the stupid.”
They're not talking about the stupid in the traditional sense or
ignorant. They are talking about the stupid in the sense of somebody who
doesn't think about the consequences too much, and actually does it.
So luck follows them.
So when it comes to living your life and doing something that your
heart really desires…here’s my advice: Become the stupid.
Become stupid enough to do it. Luck will favor you and it will be on
your side.
I promise you that.
:: 100 ::
:: 101 ::
Congratulations!
You've arrived to the DOING part.
If you learned the main things from the previous part, this next section
shouldn't be a problem for you.
In this part, I will explain to you the HOW-TO.
I this part, you will learn:
- Where to go to MEET the kind of women that you want to meet,
- How to START a conversation with a beautiful woman,
- How to CONTINUE that conversation after you say something,
- How to show that you want to be more than JUST friends with her,
- How to take it to the next step, with taking her number or asking
her out
In this part of the book, there are 4 main steps and 1 pre step. I could
make it 13 main steps if I wanted to make it more complex and make
myself seem cooler and smarter.
But I wanted to keep it simple and to the point. So let's discover the
exact steps from the beginning to the end of an interaction.
:: 102 ::
Pre-step: Go Where The Women Are
Ok, so now you’ve done some work…you’ve worked on getting yourself
into a confident state, you worked on eliminating your limiting beliefs, and
you learned how to deal with your fear.
You also got yourself to look at least ok by taking care of the shape
you’re in, taking care of your hygiene and wearing clothes that fit you and
match.
The next step is for you to start COMMUNICATING with women.
But to do that, there is one crucial pre-step that you need to do.
And that is to GO WHERE THE WOMEN ARE.
And even this step is kind of obvious; surprisingly a lot of guys think
that they can meet a woman while sitting at home, reading a book.
If you want to get together with somebody, you need to go where that
person is, or have that person come to where you are.
I haven't really figured out a way to have women knocking on your
doors to meet you – if I ever do, you'll probably pay me a million bucks –
so you need to stick to the traditional way for now.
So where are women?
When most guys think of meeting women, a lot of them automatically
thinks about bars and clubs. However, this is only a small percentage of
all the places you can meet women.
So here are some of the places where you can go to meet women.
-
Art classes,
Photography classes,
Cooking classes,
Yoga classes,
Dancing classes,
Self-improvement classes,
Concerts of your favorite group
Group field trips
Coffee shops,
Book stores,
Libraries,
:: 103 ::
- Online dating (this can actually work with having women delivered
to your door),
- Personal adds,
- Speed dating,
- Mall,
- Street,
- Parks,
- Sport activities,
- Bus stations, airports, train stations,
- Meet-up groups,
- Company cocktail parties,
- Networking events
Make a list of the places you could go to…maybe some activity that
interests you. And then make your point to go there.
The main thing is that you avoid being home alone where you have no
social contact.
Get Comfortable With The Environment
After you go where the women are, spend some time getting
comfortable with the environment.
Chances are, when you get to a new place, you’re going to feel a little
bit uncomfortable. Be it a mall, a bar or a yoga class – you will need some
time to adjust.
Do you remember what I said about everything NOT being included in
the book?
If you put yourself in enough social situations, your body will start the
self-correction process and any discomfort you feel will slowly dissipate.
So join various activities where you will be around women, and your
body will naturally get comfortable being around them.
:: 104 ::
STEP 1: Say Something
Ok, so you’re where the women are.
You're in a confident state, and you've adopted some of the natural's
beliefs.
Now you see her. She's beautiful.
What now?
How do you make that first step? How do you start a conversation with
her?
I mean, what do you do? Do you just walk up to her and just start a
conversation with her?
Before I explain to you exactly how you say something to her, I want
to talk about a common mistake I see almost every guy make when it
comes to saying something to the girl. It's called being a…
Hanging Dick
So what is a hanging dick? I came to this expression after sitting in
fast food restaurant and eating my salad, when this hot woman came in to
order. There were probably around 10 other guys in the restaurant, and
when she came in – they all went quiet.
They were all just munching their sandwiches, but with one eye, they
kept eyeballing the woman.
When you are in the presence of, or in a close proximity of an
attractive woman, and all you do is just "hang" there, with your dick in the
air, and you don't say anything to a woman – even though you would
want to – then you're being a hanging dick.
I'm sure you can remember at least one time when you did this.
Maybe you were at a super market, buying groceries, when you saw
her – and she was gorgeous.
All of the sudden, your mind wasn't focused on the can of beans
anymore – it became focused on the woman, on how great she looks –
while looking at the can of beans!
Then you went into your head and you began “the conversation”…
:: 105 ::
“O man she looks good. U mamma, look at those legs. I wonder what
could I say. Nothing, she wouldn't be interested in me anyways.”
Notice that when you’re having “the conversation”, you’re putting
yourself into a NERVOUS state. You’re not putting yourself into a confident
state.
If you want to break this Hanging Dick state, next time you catch
yourself in it, break that state by adjusting your body to a confident
position.
Change your focus – instead of imagining her rejecting you, focus on
how she's probably there because she wants to start a conversation with
you.
And then change your language. Start saying to yourself: “Is she really
expecting me to fall for that old - O I'm just looking for beans and can you
help me choose the right sort trick?”
Then, once you’re in that confident state, do the first step.
SAY SOMETHING.
Sounds easy right?
Just open your mouth and you say couple of words.
But this can be a lot harder than it seems.
Because here's the problem: When it comes to saying something, most
guys aren't really sure WHAT to say. The entire situation is totally new for
them, so they're not sure how to say something.
They “worry” about what to say.
They try to think about a fancy line to say.
They try to construct the perfect “line” to say to a girl in their head,
like, “Your eyes are really beautiful…”, before they walk over to her.
The traditional dating advice teaches you that you have to come in
with an opener, a prepared script for what you're going to say, like asking
her for an opinion about something. It's the, “Hey, can I get your opinion
on something” opener.
:: 106 ::
And this can work, but in my experience, just thinking about asking
her for her opinion can create a lot of fear of her rejecting you, simply
because in your head you are preparing for a 2 minute long conversation.
So a prepared script for what you say can work. But it's not the most
convenient tool for starting a conversation.
So How Do You Say Something?
The first and the biggest mistake in saying something to a girl,
is thinking that you need to say something clever the first time.
You see, the only thing you need to do is just SAY SOMETHING.
And that's the first step.
You don't need to have a prepared script of what you're going to say
word for word.
You don't have to think about or worry about what's going to happen
if…
All you need to think about is your next 2 words. That's it.
The only 3 ways to start a conversation
As I observed it, there are only 3 ways to say something and start a
conversation.
1. Say or gesture HELLO
2. Make a COMMENT
3. Ask a QUESTION
The first way you can say something is by saying or gesturing hello.
For example, the other day I was walking down the street when I saw
this beautiful girl walking.
I was quite behind her when she stopped to cross the street and
looked back to see the traffic. When she did, she looked in my direction. I
instinctively raised my hand and waived at her.
She stopped, leaned towards me and said: “Do we know each other?”
I said, “That's like the worst pick up line ever. If you wanted to meet
me you could just say Hi.”
:: 107 ::
So what did I do? I just WAIVED my hand. I said HELLO with a
gesture.
So that's the first way you can start a conversation. Say hello.
Notice I didn't invest much energy into it. It was almost like an
impulse. I didn't worry about what's going to happen. I didn't allow my
mind to go that far.
So let’s say you are sitting at Starbucks, and a girl is sitting next to
you, all by herself.
How could you say something?
Instead of thinking of a fancy line to say to her, you can just turn to
her, and say, “Hey”.
That’s it.
Another way to say something is to make a COMMENT.
An example of this is, when I was at the mall the other day, and there
was this girl promoting cheese. As I walked by her, she was almost
asleep. She was totally in her head, not even noticing me – or anybody
else for that matter.
I said, “Looks like you’re having fun…I wanted to try some cheese but I
was afraid you may wake up and bite my arm…”
And I started the conversation.
So what did I do? I made a COMMENT.
Let’s say you’re at a bus station, waiting for a bus, and a hot girl is
sitting next to you. You notice she’s typing something on her phone.
Again, the way you can start a conversation with her is to make a
comment.
So you could turn to her and say, “That’s a cool phone”.
Nothing more.
No opener. No opinion.
Just making a comment.
And the third way of starting a conversation is to ask a QUESTION.
:: 108 ::
One day I was buying some fruit at the grocery store, and when I
came to the banana stand, the bananas had these weird dots on them.
Suddenly I noticed this tall, dark and very attractive girl (as Will Smith
would put it, her picture was in the dictionary next to the word
SHEBANG!!), and she was looking at bananas too.
So I said, “Do you have any idea what are these dots?”
She looked at me and said, “No, I've never seen dot's like these
before.”
What did I do? I asked a QUESTION.
Pretty simple right?
Now you might be thinking, that it's easy to say something, but what
do you say afterwards?
How do you continue that conversation without coming across as weird
or awkward?
This is what the next chapter is about. I'm going to teach you exactly
how to continue the conversation after you say something. But first, let
me answer the question you're probably have in your mind, and that is…
What if the woman doesn't respond well?
What do you do, if the woman acts weird or doesn't even respond to
my question, comment or a hello?
Most guys put this pressure on themselves that a woman HAS to
respond every time they say something – because if she doesn’t, the
ARMAGEDON is going to happen.
But in reality, if the woman doesn't respond, SO WHAT?
If she ignored you, you can ignore her.
If she doesn’t say “Hi” back, who cares?
You haven't invested too much energy or time into saying Hi, into
making a comment or asking a question.
So if she doesn’t respond, here's what I want you to do:
Don't take it personally.
:: 109 ::
There are multiple reasons for why the woman doesn't respond well
sometimes. And believe it or not, a lot of times it’s more about the
WOMAN, and not about you.
Maybe she has a bad day, maybe she's in a committed relationship, or
her boyfriend just cheated on her and she hates the male gender.
Who knows?
You're not a psychic, so stop trying to pretend you are one. Women
have their own reasons for functioning that are unfamiliar to you in that
moment.
But over time, through the self-correction process you will learn what
you need to do to improve your chances or women responding well to
you.
Maybe you’ll need to say it with a little bit more ENERGY, maybe you’ll
need to speak in a little bit more authoritative way – or just be more
decisive.
Just avoid making her response to be about YOURSELF. Don’t start
saying to yourself, “O I’m a loser” because she didn’t respond to you.
Because the sure way to FAIL at this is, to attach yourself to every
response you get from women and then feel BAD about it.
Take whatever happens as a LESSON, as LEARNING experience to
change your approach next time, and don't take it personally.
Learn from it, and then move on.
:: 110 ::
STEP 2: Keep Saying Something
Ok, so you've said something. You said Hello, made a comment, or you
asked a question.
The girl responded to you by saying hello back, or answering to your
comment or a question.
Now what?
You start feeling anxiety in a second, and you feel like you have NO
IDEA on what to say NEXT.
I call this state…
Brain Stuck
The most common thing that happens right after you say something is
Brain Stuck.
Being Brain Stuck means being stuck with not knowing what to say
next.
You just stand there as a deer caught in the headlines, getting more
and more anxious and nervous and WORRYING about what she thinks of
you.
The less you are used to having conversations with women, the more
likely it is that you will experience Brain Stuck.
When most guys get Brain Stuck, they immediately go into their head
and start "the conversation" again.
“O boy, what should I say next? Quick, time is running out. Let me ask
her where she went to school and gain some time to think about what else
could I say…”
When this happens, guys usually respond in one of two ways:
1. They say NOTHING, and run away
Some guys never recover from this state. They burn to the ground.
They just keep quiet, never say anything, until eventually either they or
the woman leaves.
2. They go to SAFE GROUND
:: 111 ::
Safe Ground means that guys in their panic turn to LOGIC and
sequential thinking.
As I mentioned in the chapter on understanding women, most guys
feel comfortable in having logical conversations with their buddies about
the things they are interested in, like sports or cars.
They aren't comfortable with having emotional conversations with
women about things they aren't really interested in, like drama or gossip.
So when they hit that uncomfortable feeling, that comfort zone
boundary, and they feel like they can't HANDLE talking with a woman,
what do they do?
They go to where they are most comfortable, which is talking LOGIC.
They try to make the conversation with a woman to be just like the
conversation they have with their buddies.
They use logic, and start asking the woman…
Interview Questions
“So where are you from? What do you do? Where did you go to school?
How many kids do you want to have?”
I was watching a show on dating, the name of the show escapes me,
and there was this guy who at the start of a date would say to women:
“We're not going to have that interview like questions”… and right after
saying that, he would go into asking her interview like questions.
Talk about a confused guy.
Interview Questions are where a guy just asks question after question
after question.
So the conversation looks something like this:
Guy: So where did you go to school?
Girl: I went to XYZ school.
Guy: That’s awesome. So what kind of music do you listen?
Girl: Mostly rock music.
Guy: Rock music. That’s awesome. So where do you live?
:: 112 ::
Girl: On planet earth. You should visit sometimes. Bye!
Get it?
Asking interview questions makes the woman feel uncomfortable…she
feels disconnected from you and soon wants to leave.
So what's the cure? How do you avoid that and have a natural
conversation?
Making A Natural Conversation With Free Flow
Instead of suffocating the woman with questions, you want to do
something else.
You want to use the conversation model that I’ve developed after
reverse-engineering my own conversation, and the conversations of other
naturals.
I discovered that usually the conversation flows in the structure of
asking 2 questions, and then making 1 comment based on the other
person answers.
So instead of asking question after question after question, you only
ask 2 questions, and then you add a comment.
So let me show you how this works:
You might to ask the woman, “So what do you do?”
And she might say: “I go to college”
And you might say: “O cool – what do you study?” (notice the second
question)
And she might say: “Law”
You might say: “Wow, law. That's heavy. I have couple of friends who
went to law mainly because of Ally McBeal episodes and wanted to be just
like her…” (making a comment).
Not, the reason I was able to make this comment is because I was
PAYING attention and I LISTENED to what she was saying.
Then I said the FIRST thing that came to my mind.
I’ll talk about how to do this exactly a little bit later in the book.
:: 113 ::
After you make a comment, you start the process AGAIN, with a new
question that RELATES to the comment that you just made.
So you might ask her: “Is that the same story with you or did your
parents force you go to law school?”
You can literally go on and on and on using this formula. Ask 2
questions, then make 1 comment.
If you’re thinking to yourself that you don’t know WHAT to ask her
next or what kind of a comment you could say, let me show you this
simple technique.
Let’s take an ordinary sentence that you hear almost every day:
“A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him what's with the
long face…”
LOL, now that’s a sentence you get to hear a lot.
Seriously, let’s take a sentence that you might hear in a real
conversation.
“I go to college and plan to be a lawyer.”
That’s a normal sentence, right?
So if we wanted to make a conversation out of that sentence, how
could we do it?
We could do it by taking out the KEY words, and then EXTENDING
them into conversational TOPICS.
What are the KEY words in this sentence?
Well, the main key words in this sentence are COLLEGE, PLAN and
LAWYER.
Now the next step is to use them as topics by either commenting on
them, or asking a question about them.
Let’s take the key word college. You could ask a question about it, and
say something like, “Really, you go to college? Where do you go?”
And you continue the conversation.
:: 114 ::
You could also make a comment about it, like, “Uuu a college girl…I
love college girls, you all look so dorky”.
And you have a new topic to keep the conversation going.
You can do the same with the other two key words, LAW and PLAN.
For example, you could ask a question about law.
For example you could say, “Law? Why did you decide to study law?”
You could also make a comment about it: “Yea law is great…you get a
big advantage when you’re stopped by a police and the police are afraid of
you…”
Get it?
You can literally continue for as long as you want with this.
By doing this, you will avoid looking like you're asking her interview
like questions, and the conversation will come to life.
Listen and pay attention
If, as she's talking, you're only looking at her boobs, and you're
thinking about what to ask her next, and you don’t pay ANY attention to
what she’s saying…then you’re not going to hear the KEY words… and the
conversation isn’t going to work out.
So LISTEN and pay attention to what she's talking about.
Also, if you try to consciously THINK about how to make a
conversation happen, it's going to create a somewhat rigid vibe.
It kind of sucks when you have to THINK about how to do this process
of asking 2 questions and making 1 comment.
Making a conversation has to come NATURALLY.
And I've discovered that the best way to do this is if you just…
Become CURIOUS about her
If you really want to have a natural conversation, then become curious
about the woman.
Curiosity opens up your natural conversational channel inside your
head.
:: 115 ::
Just think about it, how do you feel when you're talking with somebody
and you're curious about what they're talking about?
Does it flow naturally, or do you have to think what to say next?
If you're curious about her, when she mentions that she's studying
law, you want to know stuff about it.
Why did she go to law? Is there a secret reason she has for studying
law, like fighting crime or something?
You'll notice that becoming curious about the woman is the BEST way
to get out of your head and reduce that nervousness you feel.
So instead of thinking of what you could say next to her, start being
CURIOUS about her as a person.
What is she talking about? O she’s talking about college…I wonder why
she went to college? Let me ask her about it…
Makes sense?
So next time you’re in a conversation with a woman, start being
curious about her.
You’re going to see how the conversation will instantly become more
NATURAL and easier to do.
Improv
Keith Johnstone wrote a book in the 60' called Improv. The book was
written for actors but it has extremely good points for making
conversations.
Improv is about improvising a conversation. So with actors, they would
start a scene and then actor A would say: “I'm John, and this is my
house.”
The actor B would then say, even though the actor A made everything
up: “Hi John, you have a beautiful home. I especially love the flowers and
the decor.”
The actors would go on and on, developing a story with improvisation.
:: 116 ::
Improv is especially good for developing your free flow skills for the
conversation. Remember, while we usually think in sequence, the
conversation with women is mostly not sequential, but free flowing.
I recommend you take time to study improv with your friends or join
some improv clubs or classes.
You might want to read the book, or you can take these few guidelines
about how to have a natural conversation:
1. Be PRESENT
The first thing you want to remember when it comes to being able to
have a natural, free-flowing conversation is to stay PRESENT.
Most guys are stuck in their head, thinking on what to say next. But
this basically kills any chance for a conversation.
Have you ever had an experience, where you were talking with
somebody, but you noticed that his person wasn't completely “there” with
you? You could feel the person was thinking about something else?
Well, that's exactly how you appear to a woman, when she’s talking
with you, and you're stuck in your head thinking of what to say next.
Staying present can be a challenge – especially if you're the kind of
guy who likes to think a lot.
So there are some exercises that you can do, to help you stay more
present.
Meditation
One of most useful exercises is to start doing meditation. You do this
by just sitting in your chair, closing your eyes and just breathing into your
stomach, focusing on your breath.
I recommend you do 5 minutes of meditation every morning; Just sit
there and try not to think about anything.
This can definitely be hard, especially in the beginning. But as you do it
more often, you will stop those thoughts and you'll be able to stay more
present.
Centering Exercise
Another exercise is what I call, “Centering” exercise.
:: 117 ::
This exercise is extremely effective, and in a very short period of time,
you can train your mind to stay present more.
The way you do this exercise is you sit in your chair, and you find
something to look ahead of you – it could be anything, the main thing is
that it serves you to focus.
As you look at the thing in front of you, slowly, without moving your
eyes, turn on your peripheral vision, and try to see how much you can see
on your right.
Again, don't move your eyes as you do this.
Then, try to see how much you see on your left.
Next, try to see how much you can see above you.
And then, how much can you see below you.
Remember, you do all this while you're still looking at that object or a
spot in front of you.
The purpose of this exercise is for you to start focusing on the
MOMENT, and get you OUT of your head.
Notice that, when you focus on all 4 sides of your peripheral vision,
you can NOT THINK of anything.
Your brain just can't think when you are aware.
So I recommend you do this exercise for 3 minutes every morning for
the next 7 days. You'll notice the first changes after 3 days.
2. Notice the first thing that comes to your mind
As I already mentioned, while you're talking with a woman, you'll hear
certain key words.
The second step to doing Improv is to take a KEY word, and notice
what’s the FIRST THING that comes to your mind.
For example, if I say the word flower, without you thinking about it too
much, what is the first thing that comes to your mind?
You might think of a rose. Then when I say “a rose”, what is the first
thing that comes to your mind?
:: 118 ::
Maybe it’s something that you know about a rose…or maybe you
remember when as a kid you gave a rose to your mom.
3. Don't say NO
Then when you think of saying something, don’t say NO to it.
SAY it.
Don’t keep it to yourself.
In the example that I gave you before, when a girl told me she was
studying law, I remembered a friend of mine saying to me that her friends
were studying law because they wanted to be like Ally McBeal in the
episodes.
So I made a comment about it…I mentioned it.
I didn’t keep quiet.
You want to do the same. When you hear a KEY word and something
comes up for you – make a comment or ask a question about it.
If you pay attention and stay present, you'll notice how this will
become easier for you.
You'll be talking with somebody, and the person will say something
about how the weather is sunny today.
Immediately, your mind will take you to a time when it was sunny and
you did something with your friends.
When that happens, SAY what's on your mind. Say something like,
“Yea I love sunny weather. One time we went with a couple of my friend
to this place, and it was really cool.”
To recap, here's how to keep the conversation going with a
woman:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Be curious about her,
Pay attention to what she's saying,
Observe what comes to your mind first, and
SAY it.
I don't think it can get any simpler than this.
:: 119 ::
STEP 3: Play
So you're talking with her for couple of minutes, the conversation is
flowing, everything is going ok.
But then you think to yourself, talking to her is all nice and well, but
how do I show that I want to be more than JUST friends with her?
How do I make the conversation more SEXUAL?
And this brings us to the next step.
You see, when a normal guy starts talking with a woman, he probably
starts the conversation because he LIKES her. Maybe he likes her smile,
her legs, or her overall look.
But that conversation usually turns into being something other than
liking her.
It turns into some boring and LOGICAL conversation, about where
they're from, about what they do or about the weather.
Why?
Simply because the guy that's talking with a woman doesn't know
HOW to show to her that he wants to be MORE than "just friends".
Most guys have NO IDEA on how to talk to a woman in a sexual way.
So they either don't do or say ANYTHING, or they do something that
actually HURTS their chances of winning the girl.
Some guys shower a woman with COMPLIMENTS, hoping that that will
win the woman's affection. They know this works with other people, so
they assume that it will work with women as well.
Some try to come out on the open, ADMIT their feelings, and let the
woman know how they really feel.
And some don't do anything. They simply HIDE the fact that they like
her.
But the problem is that neither of these ways don't give a woman the
FEELING that she REALLY wants.
What a woman REALLY wants is to feel ATTRACTION for the guy.
:: 120 ::
What am I talking about?
What Is ATTRACTION?
Attraction is a term we use to describe a feeling, of being sexually
drawn to another person.
That feeling that you feel, when you're walking down the street, and
you see that HOT girl walking, and you become DRAWN to her…
Well, that's ATTRACTION.
Attraction is a powerful mechanism inside of us that kidnaps our entire
body, and can make us do the wildest things to be with the other person.
When a woman is attracted to you, no amount of logic or persuasion
could make her not feel attraction for you.
I have a friend, and couple of years ago, she was very in love with this
guy. But he was a mess – he constantly got into fights, drank like there
was no tomorrow, and was an overall crazy guy. When she got engaged to
him, her parents offered her something like $30.000 NOT to marry him.
But she still went ahead and married him.
It's because she was ATTRACTED to him.
And no amount of logic could convince her otherwise.
And a woman wants a man to trigger that attraction inside of her. She
wants a guy to give her that feeling of WANTING him.
If a guy doesn't create attraction with a woman, then she will put him
in…
The Friend Zone
The friend zone is a zone that a woman puts all the guys that she sees
as "Just Friends", and not as potential romantic partner.
If you act all friendly and nice, trying to make the woman to like you,
by doing nice things for her - then she'll put you in the friend zone.
If you act NEEDY and you want the woman to be with you because
you're such a NICE guy, and you tell her how you REALLY feel about her she'll put you in the friend zone.
:: 121 ::
If you never say or do anything to create attraction with a woman, but
you behave like a FRIEND to her - then she's going to treat you like a
friend, and again, put you in the friend zone.
When a woman puts a guy in the friends zone, there is very little
chance that he’ll ever be able to hook up with her in the traditional sense
of a date.
To avoid the friend zone, you need to learn how to trigger
ATTRACTION inside of a woman.
The question is how?
Is there a certain way of saying something that makes the woman feel
attraction?
Is it something you DO or SAY?
To learn how to trigger attraction, first you need to understand…
How Attraction Gets Triggered
A big mistake is that most guys assume, that because they feel
attraction by just seeing a hot woman, that a woman feels attraction the
same way.
However, as we said before, while men and women do want same
things, they experience them differently.
There are TWO major differences in how we experience attraction.
The first difference is that we guys are attracted to what we
SEE.
Guys are primarily attracted to how a woman LOOKS on the outside. If
her face is symmetrical, and her body is nicely sexy curved, we are
attracted to it.
But women aren't attracted to what the guy looks like as much as they
are attracted to how a guy COMMUNICATES…the sound of his voice, his
body language, the words he uses, and his overall confidence.
I'm going to come back to how exactly you communicate to a woman
to make her feel attraction later in the chapter, now let's take a look at
the second difference.
:: 122 ::
The second difference is that for guys, feeling attraction is like an ON
and OFF switch. When we see a hot woman, that switch goes to ON, and
we INSTANTLY feel attraction.
However, for women, the process is a little bit different.
For women, it's not like a light switch that goes on or off, but more like
a thermostat. They start at cold, and then they GRADUALLY get more
and more attracted.
So while for us guys it's, “Hot woman - LET'S GET NAKED!” …for
women, it's more like:
“Who is this guy? He's probably boring…O he's kind of interesting…But I'm
sure he's going to mess it up soon…No, he's actually kind of fun…Let me try to
mess with him a bit…O my god, my game isn't working, who is this guy?...I kind
of want him…Let me cool down first…Where is he going…No, I want him…What is
he doing…O my god, I like it… – LET'S GET NAKED!”
So for women, attraction is a PROCESS, not an instant event. And
just for the record, I've shortened the process above by about a hundred.
Now that you know what's going on in the background, let's go back to
our original question from the beginning - How to show to a woman that
you want to be more than just FRIENDS?
Creating Attraction
In physics, attraction is a term we use to describe an event, when two
opposite poles of something pull together, like two magnets.
You know what I mean by poles – we have the North Pole, where polar
bears live, and the South Pole. In electricity, we have a positive pole and
a negative pole.
For example, if you take two magnets and you turn their poles so they
face each other opposite pole, they will by nature, ATTRACT.
And they attract because they are OPPOSITES.
This is the BASE for creating attraction with a woman.
Imagine the conversation with a woman as being a play of two poles.
:: 123 ::
When you're having a nice and LOGICAL conversation, you're only
being at one pole. But to create attraction, you need to add its OPPOSITE
pole.
And what's the opposite of logic?
Right, it's EMOTION.
So as you're having that logical and serious conversation with her, you
want to mix in some emotion and fun… and PLAY with her.
Let me give you an example of how this works.
Let's say you're in a conversation with a woman, and after asking her
about what she does, she tells you that she's a lawyer.
So you guys end up having a very logical and serious conversation
about law, and the justice system and how it needs improvements.
Obviously, that kind of conversation is very serious. But to create
attraction, you need to add the opposite of serious, which is nonserious.
So you might want to add a comment like:
“Yea, the justice system really needs improvements. They probably need
more handsome guys like me to make things at least LOOK better.”
Get it?
What you've done here is you've combined serious conversation with
humor.
You’ve PLAYED a little bit.
When you do this, you are using opposites, and you're creating
ATTRACTION.
Once you create that moment of attraction and chemistry, you want to
keep doing it. You can't just say one line and then stop. Building
attraction needs more time.
So you want to keep combining the opposites, stacking them one on
top of the other, until you feel you are ready to take it to the next level.
:: 124 ::
This could be taking her phone number, having an instant date with
her, or asking her out on the spot – but we'll talk about how to do this in
the next chapter.
The kid in a man
The easiest way to understand how to create attraction is by
understanding this.
A woman wants a serious MAN who she can feel SAFE. But at the same
time, she also wants a KID who she can PLAY with.
So to create attraction, you need to combine your serious, logical MAN,
with that playful and emotional KID inside.
And we all have that kid inside.
And as you're talking with a woman, put that kid into the conversation.
Use it, PLAY with her. Don't try to be all serious and logical.
And when you're kidding and having fun with her, don't go too far as to
becoming a clown. Underneath all of your playfulness, show that you are a
secure, mature MAN who has his life handled.
And that's the NATURAL'S way.
Learning how to create attraction with a woman is not like learning to
fix an engine, where you put one part on its place and then the second
part etc.
Learning to create attraction with a woman is like learning to surf. You
need to get a FEEL for it.
Because when you stand up to that surfing board, you WILL fall down
the first time. But over time, as you get a feel for it, you'll start to get
better and better.
Tools To Play With A Woman
Ok, so by now you've learned that the name of the game is about
creating attraction with a woman, and not about showing her that you like
her.
You've learned what attraction is, how it works and you've learned that
to create it, you need to combine the OPPOSITES in the conversation.
:: 125 ::
Now you may be asking, “I get the theory, but how can I APPLY this in
the REAL world?”
Are there any tools to use to create attraction while having a real
conversation?
Yes, there are. And here are some of my favorites.
Push-Pull
The first tool is called Push Pull.
The way this tool works is by combining Pushing with Pulling.
Let's say you're talking with a girl…and as you're talking, you notice
something that you like about her, her smile for instance.
So you compliment her about it.
You say, “You have a really nice smile.”
Now, what you've done is you’ve shown one side, the positive, warm
and tender side of you. That's called a PULL.
Now that you have pulled, you need to combine opposites by what?
That's right, PUSHING.
And if a pull was a compliment, the opposite is an INSULT.
However, you can't go in with pure insulting her. You can't say, “Nice
smile, you dirty bitch!!!”
That's too much. So push doesn’t really mean insulting the woman, but
it's more like TEASING her.
So when you give her a compliment about her smile, and she smiles
and say's thank you, you can TEASE her about having something between
her teeth.
As she smiles, you can say, “Umm, I think you got something between
your teeth…”
“What?” (Tries to remove it with her tongue)
“Nah I'm just kidding…”
That's going to create that moment of play, and the magic will happen.
:: 126 ::
Push pull goes beyond just complimenting and teasing.
Pull refers to everything you ever do to show INTEREST to a woman,
and push everything to show DISINTEREST.
Pull is everything you do to show tenderness and sensitivity, push is
everything you do to show aggression and toughness.
And push can be as small as teasing her about having something
between her teeth, or establishing a boundary by saying NO to her.
Guys who just pull, pull and pull, often get put into the friend zone. It's
because they are not using OPPOSITES. There's not attraction.
Push-Pull is one of the basic tools for creating attraction. Not only that
you want to use it, you want to INTERNALIZE it as a way of
communicating with women.
The more you do it, the more this way of communication is going to
become a part of you.
So learn how to use push pull. Play with her. Have fun.
Stealing her frame
Now this is another tool to have some fun and play with a woman.
Let's say you meet a woman and she perceives everything you do as if
you're trying to hit on her.
So what you do is you STEAL her frame, and you pretend that
everything she does is her attempt to pick YOU up.
So for example, let's say you're sitting at a coffee table and the
waitress comes over and says, “More coffee?”
You might go, “O that's a cheesy pick up line. If you wanted to talk to
me you could of just say Hi or something.”
Again, you want to have fun with this, and not be so serious as you're
saying this.
Let's say you're in a night club and there's a girl looking at you the
whole night.
You might go over there and say, “You know what, I just came here to
tell you, that I feel really uncomfortable with you looking me like that… I
:: 127 ::
mean, I know I'm handsome and all, but I'm not just a piece of meat, I
have feelings too…”
Right? You're stealing her frame and you're taking her role. This is a
great tool to create fun moments and spark attraction between you two.
Acting too comfortable around her
This one is probably the most effective and the easiest to do.
So as you're with her, instead of being tense, you purposefully relax
and you pretend that you are TOO comfortable.
Pretend you’ve known her for YEARS, and behave the same way as
you behave with a friend that you know really well.
Say stuff like, “I can't believe you're suck a goof…”
When you say this, ELONGATE the pronunciation of a word.
An example of this can be the saying “Shut up.”
You can say shut up by having a serious face and saying it with a
straight, cut voice.
But if you want to show that you're too comfortable around somebody,
you can say “Shuuut uuupp”…and be all casual about this.
Makes sense?
This is going to create this feeling of comfort and casualness, and the
woman is just going to go along with the game.
I recommend you watch some Conan O'Brien show clips on YouTube.
Type in “Conan travels”, and just notice how casual and comfortable he
acts around new people.
Don't give her a direct answer
Most guys give answers to a woman like they would in a job interview.
So if a girl asks them, “What do you?”, they answer her immediately.
But a question like that is a great opportunity to PLAY with her a little
bit.
So for example, if she asks you about what you do, you might say:
:: 128 ::
“I'm not sure I can tell you, because if I do, I'm going to have to kill
you.”
And you smile and wink at her.
Or you could give her a ridiculous answer, like “I fix light bulbs…” or,
“I’m an ass model”.
Of course she’s going to know you’re kidding. But that’s the whole
point – to show your other side – a that KID side of you.
You can tell her what you do later… but you want to play with her a
little bit at the start.
Set Boundaries
This isn't what most guys intuitively think of doing.
But as you're talking with a woman, and you're being playful with her,
you want to show that other side of you – the MAN side.
The easiest way you to do this is you set a boundary with her as soon
as possible.
So let’s say you’re on a date, and you walk into a restaurant. She says,
“let’s sit here…”, and points to a table.
Instead of agreeing with her, say, “No, let’s sit here…”, and you choose
another table.
Remember, attraction is played by opposites. So always balance
playing with seriousness, balance the man with a kid.
So these are some of the tools you can use to help yourself with
creating attraction.
I also want to mention that the intention here is not for you to rely on
techniques. The intention here is to invoke that kid-playfulness inside of
you, and use that with women.
That's the natural's way. Remember, it's about combining your serious
man with playful kid. And you have both of you inside already.
So now I want to mention a most common reason for why most guys
KILL attraction with a woman.
:: 129 ::
Chasing Women and Being NEEDY
One of the fastest way to KILL any attraction you have with a woman,
is to start chasing the woman or being NEEDY.
So it’s very important to remember that you should NEVER chase
women.
Start a conversation, continue the conversation – but never chase
them. Don't get needy and insecure.
Picture it this way – women are like cats. If you start running after a
cat, even if the cat knows you, it’s going to run away. It’s just what cats
do.
So with women, never chase them. Start a conversation with them,
continue it – but don’t try to “force” her into liking you.
Instead, you want to show an air of INDIFFERENCE.
Function with this beliefs:
“If you want to stay, great. If you don’t, well – I wish you best.”
But this is not what most guys do. Most guys chase a woman and
develop this needy feeling.
But if a woman senses that you're needy, than that creates the
opposite of attraction. It creates REPULSION.
A woman feels the need to RUN away from you.
So don’t do it. Stay indifferent. Be willing to leave at any point in the
conversation.
Remember when we talked about a belief that every natural has –
there will never run out of beautiful women.
Keep that belief in mind. Know that there is always another woman
around the corner, so don't become fixated on ONE specific girl.
Here's what I discovered in life: If I work on myself continuously, the
right people come to me. I might initiate the conversation or a contact,
but I never chase them.
So never chase women. Work on yourself, and the right women will
show up.
:: 130 ::
“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard.
The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to
you. And stay.”
-
:: 131 ::
Will Smith
Tests From Women
I want to take a moment to write about this important aspect of talking
with women – testing.
So what are tests?
Do you remember when we said that the number one thing that a
woman wants in a man is a feeling that she can be SAFE with him?
If you remember, we said that the way women sense if they can feel
safe with a man is through his CONFIDENCE.
Well, how do you suppose a woman can MAKE SURE if a guy is really
that confident about himself as he is showing himself to be?
She can ask him…
She can ask his friends…
She can take her crystal ball and a look inside for an answer…
Or she can do the most reliable thing in the world – TEST him, and see
how he responds.
How a woman tests a man
The way a woman tests a man is not by conscious effort. Most of the
time a woman isn’t even AWARE that she’s testing a man.
She does this intuitively… by being her WORST self…and then sees how
a man RESPONDS.
So if it ever happened to you, that as you were talking with a woman,
all of the sudden, she became moody, or irrational, or just plain bitchy…
That was a TEST to see how you’ll respond.
These tests are also called *shit* tests…because a woman behaves as
the name implies, the woman gives you *shit*.
With tests, a woman wants to see if a guy is going to STOP being SURE
of himself and of what he’s doing, or will he KEEP his SURE attitude, and
not let her test faze him.
:: 132 ::
Guys who fail at women’s test, instantly KILL attraction…but guys who
pass their tests, AMPLIFY that attraction, and make the woman want them
MORE.
How to pass a woman’s tests
With tests, a woman wants to test your strength…your firmness in
holding your ground, and almost your mental power.
She wants to see if she can “Get” to you, and throw you off balance.
And mainly what she wants to know is if she has any POWER over you.
Because if she finds out that she has, then she’ll figure that she can
never open up to you, and be safe to be who she really is.
Makes sense?
I know it doesn't…but hey, that's women. They don't have to make
sense to us.
But anyways, how to pass her test?
You see, guys who are powerful inside don’t let women affect them.
If she behaves like a spoiled brat, they don’t get angry…they LAUGH. If
she plays a high demanding drama queen, they don’t yell at her…they
make FUN of her behavior.
They don’t FOLLOW the woman and her mood…they stay on their own
course.
In other words, they stay unaffected by her behavior.
They stay in their state of CERTAINTY.
But guys who aren’t powerful inside, follow the woman. If she starts
whining, they REACT to her whining. If she get’s bitch, they REACT to her
bitching.
Some guys just even WUSS out…they put their head down, and do as
the woman wants. Some get angry and yell at the woman…but that’s just
a different side of the same coin; the woman was able to get to them, and
they reacted.
So the way to pass her test is to not let her test AFFECT you.
:: 133 ::
Instead of REACTING to her tests, you want to RESPOND to them.
What’s the difference?
The difference between reacting and responding is that when you
react, you do it without conscious thought.
But when you respond, you take a moment to think about what’s going
on, and you find an appropriate response.
If you step on a cat’s tail, and she jumps up and scratches you, that’s
a reaction.
But if the cat would to respond, she would have to stop, notice that
you stepped on her tail, turn around and politely ask you, “Could you
please get your foot off my tail…”
So let me give you a real-world example of this.
“I have a boyfriend"
Let’s say you’re talking with a woman, you’re building attraction with
her…when all of the sudden, she says to you, “You know, I have a
boyfriend…”
When this happens, most guys get lost for words…they don’t get the
mixed signal that this girl is sending to them.
They lose their state of CONFIDENCE.
But the reason she mentioned her boyfriend is because she wants to
see how you’ll handle it…will it throw you off track and make you lost for
words, or will you stay unchanged and unaffected?
So how would you pass this test?
One of my coaching members told me how he went out, and this girl
told him she has a boyfriend.
In response, he said to her, “I have a dog”.
He said the woman burst out laughing when he said that.
BAM.
Test passed.
Why?
:: 134 ::
Because he'd shown her that he doesn't care…he stayed in his state of
being sure of himself.
Let’s say you tell a woman to write her number down, and she says:
“I don’t know if I should give you my number…”
Now most guys would get confused on to what to do. But when you
develop that feeling of being SURE of yourself, this doesn’t faze you.
You just say, “It’s ok…write it down…I’m only going to call you 10
times per day…”
Let’s say you say Hi to her, but she ignores you. Most guys would just
run away feeling insulted, but you could say, “Hey, I said Hi, didn’t you
hear me?”
…And you smile and wink at her.
Get it?
By doing this, you show that you’re not easily fazed…that you are in
charge of your reality, and that you don’t back down that easily.
If you want to know how this looks like, rent the movie Hitch, and
observe the scene when Will Smith's character and Eva Mendez's
character meet for the first time.
Right before they meet, a guy approaches her - gets tested – and fails
miserably.
You might want to go on YouTube and search for this scene – I think it
even has the commentary added, so you can get a better understanding
of it.
So now you’ve learned about tests. Just realize that as you’re talking
with a woman, she’s probably going to test your confidence in your
conversation.
So be prepared to pass those tests. Whatever you do, don’t lose your
state of confidence or feeling sure of yourself. Keep it there at all times.
After you pass her tests, she will let go of her shield…she’ll open up,
and be who she really is with you. Because she’s going to know that you
are someone who is strong enough.
:: 135 ::
Step 4: LEAD To The Next Step
After you build attraction, and you play with a woman, you want to do
the next step – which is what?
What is your next step?
Is it getting her phone number? Is it going on an instant date with her?
Is it setting up a date for some other day?
First you need to decide what is your next step with her.
Truth is, there will ALWAYS be another next step.
You see, after you get her number, the next step is to call her up and
set up a date…, and when you’re on a date, the next step is becoming
physical and kissing.
So the question is HOW?
How do you lead to the next level?
If it’s asking her for her phone number, or asking her out on a date, or
kissing her for the first time, how do you do that?
One of the most important concepts of this book and of being a
natural, confident man is to LEAD the woman.
What does it mean to lead?
If you start a conversation by saying something, LEAD that
conversation where you keep saying something. And when you get
comfortable with keeping that conversation going, LEAD the process to
creating attraction with her.
And when you create attraction with her, LEAD to the next level.
The main thing is this; you are the man, and you need to LEAD.
Don’t argue with me over this. Just take my word for it.
Some guys get “upset” about them having to lead. Sometimes guys
say to me, “But why should I lead all the time? Why do I need to do all
the work, and she doesn’t have to do anything?”
She actually does many things…but she doesn’t lead. She relies on
YOU to lead.
:: 136 ::
Accept this as the reality of the world. If you don’t like it, when you get
your own planet, you can change it to be the way you want it.
For now, know this; YOU need to take the RESPONSIBILITY for taking
stuff to the next level – and not “hope” that somehow she will lead.
Women HATE when a guy wants them to lead. So don’t try to make
her to lead.
So right now let’s dug deeper into the *HOW-TO* of leading to the
next step.
Getting her phone number
Let’s talk about how you ask her for her number.
You’ve been talking with her for couple of minutes, you’ve built some
comfort, you’ve built some attraction - now you decide that you’d like to
have her number – how do you do that?
It’s very simple actually.
While most guys will go around this subject, and usually ASK the
woman to give them their number, like: “Hey, maybe I can get your
number and we can get together sometimes”… and be overwhelmed by
insecurity - you want to do something else.
You see, when guys ask her for her number like that, what they are
actually doing is they are trying to put the responsibility for number-giving
to HER.
They don’t lead her through the process – they want the woman to
lead them, and give them her number on their own.
But again, you want to LEAD her to that number. You want to take the
entire responsibility on you.
So instead of asking her to give it to you, you TELL her to give it to
you.
You say, “Ok, it was really nice talking to you…here (you take out your
phone and give it to her), put your number in my phone…and I’ll give you
a call sometime when I’m all drunk and lonely…”
She’s going to take your phone, and she WILL put her number down. If
she tests you, and gives you an excuse, like “I don't know if I should give
:: 137 ::
you my phone number…”, then that’s a test, and you know how to handle
it.
Remember, as you do this, you’ll be getting outside of your comfort
zone. You may feel some discomfort and fear. Know that this is normal.
Just don’t let your fear stop you.
Recognize that you feel fear about telling her for her number. Then
accept this as a normal thing. Accept your fear, and stop fighting it.
Everybody has it, so it’s ok.
When she puts her number in your phone, don’t immediately go away.
It’s going to create a weird situation, as if her number was the prize that
you just won.
TALK to her for a minute…or more, depending on the time you have.
And then say, “Ok, I gotta go now…it was nice meeting you, you seem
like you’re going to make a good FRIEND. Talk to you again, bye”
Saying she seems like a good friend sends a mixed signal. Taking her
number is a strong Pull, where you obviously showed that you are
interested in hearing or seeing her again. To balance it, you need a Push,
which amplifies that attraction.
Setting up the date
When you have that number in your pocket, don’t go for that whole
“wait for 3 days before you call her” stuff. If you think she’s a nice girl,
call her or text her the next day.
Also, don’t sit in your room and look at your phone for 45 minutes
before you decide to call her.
You don’t want to sound freaked out on the phone.
So I suggest you call her up while you’re on the way to somewhere,
because this relaxes your mind. For example, as you're going to your
friends house, you pick up the phone and call her up.
Why?
Because when you have something to do AFTER you hang up with her,
you have a certain energy that can be felt in your voice.
:: 138 ::
When you call her and she picks up, relax, and say, “Hey, what’s up
dorky, remember me?”
Sometimes the woman won’t remember you…so if you create a
nickname for her as you’re talking with her, like “dorky”, than that’s a cool
way to anchor yourself so she instantly remembers you.
Then you say, “Yea I know you were looking at your phone the whole
time waiting me to call you…so I thought of giving you a ring…what's up?
Then have couple of seconds of a normal conversation, and then ask,
"What are you doing tomorrow at 4pm…I thought we could go hang out on
a cup of coffee”.
If she starts acting weird, and saying stuff like, “O I can’t tomorrow…”,
know that this can be a test. So don’t play catch-me-if-you-can with her.
Don't go, “Well, how about day after that, or the day after that, or the
weekend…”
Just ask her, “Ok, when are you available then?”
When she suggests a day, then you suggest the hour, so you show
that you are leading again.
When you set up an hour, you be the one who ends the
conversation…because again, by doing this, you show that you're leading.
Women flake
When you set up a date, prepare for the possibility that a woman
doesn’t show up. She can “change her mind” and not show up.
If you think the woman will flake on you, just bluntly ask her, “What
are the chances that you flake and don’t show up?”
Don’t be aggressive now Rocky…just ask a normal question.
Ways to Start Being Physical
KINO sequence
Once you’re with a woman, one of the most important things to do is
to touch her as soon as possible. But don’t grab her tit or something; you
need to learn how to do this in a NATURAL way.
:: 139 ::
KINO sequence is basically a natural sequence of how you start being
PHYSICAL with a woman.
For example, there are some natural steps from meeting to kissing.
You don’t immediately after meeting a woman start kissing with her –
well, unless she’s a different kind of girl – you feelin’ me right…
The natural PHYSICAL steps from meeting to kissing are:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Touching
Hand holding
Hugging, caressing
Kissing
However, even when you know these steps, you don’t go through them
like you would go through a checklist.
Ok, touch her – did this.
Hold her hand – did this.
Let me get a kiss now.
No.
With women, you want to use this sequence:
2 steps forward, 1 step back
Instead of going straight to the score (GOOAAAL!) … With women, you
take 2 steps forward, and then you take 1 step back.
Do you remember when we talked about 2 questions and 1 comment
sequence.
Well that was for conversations…but you use the same principle when
touching a woman.
So maybe you touch her by her shoulder… and then you let her go
completely.
Then you touch her shoulder and you hold her hand… and then you let
go of her hand and you just touch her shoulder.
Then you hold her hand and maybe touch her hair…and you look at her
in the eyes…
:: 140 ::
Then you gently kiss her…
And then you stop.
So it’s 2 steps forward, 1 step back.
Also, you might be asking, how do you do that EXACTLY?
You probably don’t just grab her shoulders or her hands and start
touching her?
Of course not.
Touching
When you just meet a woman, maybe you start playing with her and
tease her… and then you gently push her by her shoulders.
For example, if she say’s that she’d been out yesterday, and that she’s
still kind of tired, you can tease her about it and say, “Whoa I think you
still have some alcohol in you…don’t fall on me here”, and push her
shoulders gently in a kidding way.
If a girl does something that I approve of, like she says she likes the
same team as I do, I’ll take as an opportunity to give her a high five, or
even hug her in a cheering way.
“You like the same team? O that's awesome…” and I hug her while
saying that.
Makes sense?
If I’m out on a date with a woman, and we’re at a restaurant, I like to
play being too comfortable with her, and take something that I’m playing
with, like a napkin – and just gently, in a kidding way, stroke her with
that.
Why?
Because I want to show that I’m too comfortable with her, which
makes her relax and become more comfortable around me.
Hand Holding
One of the easiest ways to start holding a woman’s hand is to learn
some palm reading techniques, where you can read a person’s palm
and tell them stuff about them.
:: 141 ::
Just get a book on palm reading on Amazon or type in “palm reading
techniques” on Google, and do a little bit of research.
And the next time you're with a woman, and you want to hold her
hand, you can say, “You know, you can know a lot from a person’s
hands...”, and you gently take her hand, open it up, and read it.
Even if you don't know how to read her palm, you can just pretend
that you know how to. It’s a fun game you can play with women, and
women just love it.
I remember one time, I hooked up with a group of girls and they
invited me to sleep over in their apartment (I know, I know…I’m the
man).
Well, I started doing this palm reading on this one girl, and soon they
all lined up to get their palms read.
Of course I made a lot of stuff up, like that they’re about to fall in love
with an incredibly handsome guy that’s sleeping over, and then that they
will fight with their friends over him.
Which actually happened, but that’s a different story…
So you want to have fun with this.
Kissing
So you’re on a date, you’re having a great time, you’re talking…and
now you two are alone, maybe in your car or some other place.
You’ve done some Kino, where you touched her and she touched you,
and now you feel like you want to KISS her.
What you do is you look at her, and you gently touch her hair. If she
looks back at you and likes it, then gently lean in closer to her lips…but
don’t kiss her immediately. Let her come a little bit closer. Then slowly
kiss her.
If you want to tease her a bit, you might come closer to her as if
you’re going to kiss her, and then say…not yet.
If you’re kissing for the first time, don’t go rolling on her like you
haven’t seen a girl in ages (even if that’s true).
Gently kiss her, and then slowly escalate to more “heavy” kissing.
:: 142 ::
Do It All Over Again
This last chapter of this book is called do it all over again.
So what do I mean by that?
Let's say you're on a date with the woman. What do you do now?
Well, on that date, you will probably have a conversation. So you
learned how to do that.
You will probably have some fun and play with her – you also learned
how to do that.
The woman will probably test you to see how confident you really are –
and you learned how to pass those tests as well.
At the end of the night, you’ll want to kiss her – which is going to
make you feel uncomfortable and you’ll feel some fear. You also learned
how to do that as well.
So when I say do it all over again, I'm basically saying that now you
know the foundations – and you want to build on them.
I once heard a quote that mastery is just learning fundamentals really
well.
So master these fundamentals. Do them over and over again until they
become a part of you.
And even though I gave you the steps of meeting to kissing in a
sequential order…they are not meant to be used strictly in that sequence.
The purpose of a sequence is to serve you as a learning vehicle. The
structure from meeting to dating is there so you use it until you get a
hang of it.
But as you gain experience, and you learn how to do each step, you
can mix the steps.
For example, instead of saying something and then keep saying
something, you can immediately start creating attraction by playing with a
girl within seconds of meeting her.
:: 143 ::
You can be at a grocery store, and when the cashier girl wants to take
your credit card, you play with her by taking it away when she reaches
out to take it.
By doing that, you create that fun spark – and then you can start a
conversation.
So the steps laid out in this book are here so your learning experience
can be easier.
But when you get a hold of them, you can use them in your own
sequence.
Makes sense?
Remember what I said before; you already know what you need to do.
You have it in your DNA. So just do it, go out and start talking to women,
and everything that you need, will come out on the surface.
So don't try to learn too much. Just learn the fundamentals and then
do them repeatedly.
I challenge you to learn these steps. I challenge you to become who
you need to be and then to do what you need to do. I challenge you to
prove to yourself that you already know this.
I thank you for your commitment to learning and developing yourself
and allowing me to share with you the simple ideas that helped me have
the success I have today.
To conclude, I want to leave you with a quote that I already mentioned
in this book.
"Luck favors the stupid. So be stupid enough to actually do it."
:: 144 ::
Make It Happen
Congratulations!
You’ve finished the book!
You probably feel different by now…you may even have used some of
the stuff in the book.
And although I did my best to keep things simple, the information in
this book can be overwhelming, especially when you just want to start
DATING.
And because of that, a lot of guys might read the book, and then not
do anything with what they learn.
I thought about what I could do about it, and after much thinking, I've
decided to give some of you an opportunity to get a free, 30 minute
session with me personally, called “Make It Happen”, in which I will help
you overcome your BIGGEST CHALLENGE, whether it be:
- Approach Anxiety and starting conversations with women,
- Continuing the conversation after you say something,
- Creating Attraction, avoiding the friend zone and taking things to
the next level
Working on your KEY challenge can work as a snowball effect…because
if you eliminate one thing that is stopping you, that can work as a
snowball and inspire you to take more and more action.
During this powerful 30-minute "Make It Happen coaching session"
we’ll work together to...
-
Create a crystal clear vision for the kind of women you’d like to be
dating and how you’d like your dating life to look like
-
We’ll uncover hidden challenges that may be sabotaging your
success with women and dating
-
You’ll leave the session renewed, reenergized and inspired to take
consistent action in your dating, and love life so that you can finally
have the success with women that you’ve always wanted.
To claim your FREE “Making It Happen” coaching session, simply visit
my www.volcanoconfidence.com/MakeItHappen and fill out the
questionnaire.
:: 145 ::