WHY DO I BEHAVE
THE WAY I DO?
By John Louis
Copyright © Louis Counselling & Training Services Pte Ltd, 2010
“In a world of too much information, Good Enough
Parenting uses movies to teach parents how to MEET CORE
NEEDS, and, at the same time, how to avoid passing down
their own dysfunctional behaviors. Schema Therapy has been
successful with adults, but I have always wanted to see
someone do something on preventing schemas, or Lifetraps,
in children, and here it is!” !
~ Dr Jeffrey Young!
Dept of Psychiatry, Columbia University, USA!
Founder, Schema Therapy!
DYSFUNCTION
…is the gift that keeps on giving…
Proverbs 17: 22
22 A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a crushed spirit dries up the
bones.
Proverbs 18: 14
14 A man's spirit sustains him in
sickness, but a crushed spirit who
can bear?
DYSFUNCTION
Meeting emotional needs is not as
easy and intuitive as meeting
physical needs. For many, it is
actually counter-intuitive…
DYSFUNCTION
Children are put in harms way
unintentionally as a result of
parents’:
a. Ignorance
b. Lack of training
This stuff only makes sense when we
are taught.
(Most mistakes from our parents were
unintentional!!)
Many of us don’t know how to
explain when our emotional needs
are not being met…
Why do we behave
the way we do?
Growing older, having relationships
makes us look deeper into ourselves
to ask, “Why do I behave the way I
do?”
Many factors effect our behavior:
Temperament
is our inborn emotional makeup,
as in the way we are built to
respond to events.
Environment
Birth order?
Birthplace?
Neighborhood?
Type of school?
Also one important factor based on our
family environment…
Core Needs
Core Needs
»  Needs required in order to not
hurt others or self.
»  Should not give too much or too
little. Important to strike a
balance.
Core Needs
1. Basic Safety
2. Guidance & Protection
3. Stable Base & Predictability
4. Reasonable Limits
5. Love, Nurturing & Attention
6. Empathy/Validation of Feelings
7. Acceptance & Praise
8. Faith (Spirituality)
Why do we behave
the way we do?
»  Temperament
»  Environment
»  Parenting
»  Core Needs Met
When core needs are not
met…
(combined with temperament and
environment)...
Children get discouraged and they
develop lifetraps
Colossians 3: 21
21Fathers,
do not embitter your children, or
they will become discouraged. (NIV)
Fathers, do not aggravate your children,
or they will become discouraged. (NLT)
21
21Parents,
don't come down too hard on your
children or you'll crush their spirits. (The
Message)
Lifetraps
…and during that process of unmet
needs, we develop Lifetraps (Schemas)
»  Lifetraps are deeply entrenched beliefs
about ourselves and the world which we
learn early in life.
»  Lifetraps are broad themes made up of
memories, emotions and cognitions
As we get new information,
we correct our views…
e.g. The boundaries of an old
map are altered and corrected
to form a new map
Old map was…
» 
» 
out of shape…
out of scale…
Hence, distorted view…
Lifetraps
Many of us have painful memories. A
few of us have pleasant and many
also have a mixture of both.
Sometimes we get triggered thinking
about them and we feel like throwing
stones at them…
Movie Therapy
»  Play movie scene(s)
There are 18 such lifetraps. Dr.
Jeffrey Young found this after
20 years of research
(See handout)
2 Corinthians 10:5-6
5We demolish arguments and every
pretension that sets itself up against
the knowledge of God, and we
take captive every thought to
make it obedient to Christ. 6And we
will be ready to punish every act of
disobedience, once your
obedience is complete.
18 Different Lifetraps
Session 1
DISCONNECTION & REJECTION
1. Abandonment / Instability
2. Mistrust / Abuse
3. Emotional Deprivation (nurturance,
empathy, protection)
4. Defectiveness / Shame
5. Social Isolation / Alienation
18 Different Lifetraps
Session 2
IMPAIRED AUTONOMY & PERFORMANCE
6. Dependence / Incompetence
7. Vulnerability to Harm or Illness
8. Enmeshment / Undeveloped Self
9. Failure
18 Different Lifetraps
OTHER-DIRECTEDNESS
10. Subjugation
11. Self-Sacrifice
12. Approval-seeking / Recognitionseeking
18 Different Lifetraps
Session 3
IMPAIRED LIMITS
13. Entitlement / Grandiosity
14. Insufficient Self-Control / SelfDiscipline
18 Different Lifetraps
Session 4
OVERVIGILANCE & INHIBITION
15. Negativity / Pessimism
16. Emotional Inhibition
17. Unrelenting Standards /
Hypercriticalness
18. Punitiveness
The Three Coping Styles
There are three ways we cope
when our lifetraps are triggered.
We become:
a. Surrendered (Fright)
b. Avoidant (Flight)
c. Counterattacking (Fight)
Young, J. E., & Klosko, J. S. (1994). Reinventing
your life. New York: Plume , 35.
Surrendered
The message of this coping style is,
“What my lifetrap is telling me about
myself is true. I am powerless to change
this painful truth about myself.”
Avoidant
The message of this coping style is, “It is
too painful and uncomfortable to hear/feel
the message of my lifetrap. I must keep
myself separate and distracted so I am
not aware of this painful truth about
myself.”
Counterattacking
The message of this coping style is, “I
must fight as hard as I can to think and
act as though what my lifetrap says about
me is not true.”
Most people have a
predominant coping style Which one is yours?
Romans 7: 14-25
14We
know that the law is spiritual; but I am
unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15I do not
understand what I do. For what I want to do I do
not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do
not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it
is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin
living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me,
that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to
do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.
Romans 7: 14-25
19For
what I do is not the good I want to do;
no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep
on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want
to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin
living in me that does it.
Romans 7: 14-25
21So
I find this law at work: When I want to do
good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner
being I delight in God's law; 23but I see another
law at work in the members of my body, waging
war against the law of my mind and making me a
prisoner of the law of sin at work within my
members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will
rescue me from this body of death?
Romans 7: 14-25
25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ
our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a
slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature
a slave to the law of sin.
DISCONNECTION & REJECTION
1. Abandonment / Instability
2. Mistrust / Abuse
3. Emotional Deprivation (nurturance,
empathy, protection)
4. Defectiveness / Shame
5. Social Isolation / Alienation
1. Abandonment
The core message of the abandonment
lifetrap is, “I cannot count on anyone for
consistent support, caring, and
connection. I will be rejected; people I
love and need will die; and people I love
and need cannot be relied upon to be
there when I need them.”
Movie Therapy
»  Play movie scene(s)
Processing Abandonment
»  Possible Origins – Unstable parent, not
physically there, death, divorce…
»  Exaggerated view that others will leave…
»  Difficult when handling separation from a
mentor/small group. Overly compliant to
avoid separation.
»  Tests relationships to see if people will
leave.
»  Makes leader their central stable figure.
Goal of Treatment…
»  Be more realistic about the stability of
current relationships, not believing in
their exaggerated views.
2. Mistrust / Abuse
The core message of the mistrust/abuse
lifetrap is, “I cannot expect others to treat
me in a fair, considerate or just manner. I
should expect to be hurt (emotionally or
even physically), lied to, manipulated, and
taken advantage of. Others always have
their own agenda.”
Movie Therapy
»  Play movie scene(s)
Movie Therapy
»  Play movie scene(s)
“Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words will not hurt me…”
…words like “useless”, “ idiots” “good for
nothing”…
Movie Therapy
»  Play movie scene(s)
Movie Therapy
»  Play movie scene(s)
Processing Mistrust & Abuse
»  Choose abusive partners…and allow to
be abused.
»  Some are “savior” of others and express
outrage against perceived “abusers”.
»  Twist people’s behavior constantly.
»  Teach them to vent appropriate anger
on those who abused them during
childhood, not on others.
»  Face dark truths and enter into their
world courageously.
»  Don’t work if they are not ready.
»  Takes a long time to treat…
Goal of Treatment…
»  People are not either, ”black or white”,
rather than being on a spectrum of
trustworthiness.
3. Emotional Deprivation
The core message of the emotional
deprivation lifetrap is, “I cannot expect
others to be supportive of me and care
about what I need.” Emotional deprivation
is about insufficient empathy, nurturing,
and/or not receiving guidance and
direction.
Movie Therapy
»  Play movie scene(s)
Movie Therapy
»  Play movie scene(s)
Processing Emotional Deprivation
»  Most common, but many not aware of this
»  Often feel lonely, bitter, depressed and not
knowing why…
»  Sometimes, like defectiveness associated with
Narcissism. Strong feelings of entitlement.
»  Children spoilt materially, not given genuine
love.
»  Very needy…can expect loved ones to “read
their mind…”
Goal of Treatment…
»  Be aware of their emotional needs, not
see it as being weak to ask…
»  Express them appropriately, not mind
reading…
»  They see people as “black” or “white”,
rather than on a spectrum.
Movie Therapy
»  Play movie scene(s)
4. Defectiveness
The core message of the defectiveness
lifetrap is, “I am not good enough. I am
inherently flawed. Anyone who truly
knows me could not love me.”
Movie Therapy
»  Play movie scene(s)
Processing Defectiveness
»  Most people are not aware of this. Allow
others to devalue them.
»  Hold back information from sharing –
shame. They feel defective about who they
are, not what they do…
»  The earlier and more severe the criticism,
the most difficult it is to change.
»  Make a lot of comparisons…
»  Low sense of self-esteem
»  Associated with Narcissism; Strong
feelings of entitlement.
»  Difficult to accept compliments
»  Difficult to accept feedback
Goal of Treatment…
»  To accept their flaws and
imperfection…it is part of being a
human. Increase their self-esteem.
5. Social Isolation
The core message of the social isolation/
alienation lifetrap is, “I am different from
other people and do not fit in.” The
feelings of isolation and being alone stem
from feeling apart from any group or
community, and too different to belong.
Movie Therapy
»  Play movie scene(s)
Processing Social Isolation
»  Avoidance of social situations; on the
periphery…Very lonely.
»  Pretend to fit in
»  Slowly fit into group.
Goal of Treatment
»  Feel less different than others.
»  Related to defectiveness.
In Conclusion…this domain contains
the most common lifetraps. We should
take extra care to understand this
group of schemas.
Thank you for your participation today!
“Why do I behave the way I do?” is… brought to you jointly by
Louis Counselling & Training Services
Movies licensed by
Motion Picture Licensing Corporation