1. sports
2. cricket

www.uqls.com/obiter
Edition 2
THERESE
REIN
STRIPS...
REASONABLY
FORSEEABLE?
Wyong Shire
Overturned
soon...
rights from workers
426
“Things you want to hear”:
Things you want to hear”:
How to
lose a
case in
10 days
“Eat chocolate. Lose weight”
“Buy stuff. Save money.”
“Go out. Drink lots. Get sevens.”
...This sells magazines, right? - Ed.
Ségolène Royal:
“Why French Women ELECTED
Don’t Get Fat”
June 2007
TOKEN SCARE CAMPAIGN:
3 Meals a Day Linked to Obesity
COSMOBITER
EDITORS
Charles Ashton The best way to feel comfortable
with your body is to get naked as often as possible
Tom Gole Fur coats are back in.
James Green Never leave Cosmobiter on the table
for my father to find.
Mark Heiser Mum taught me money can’t buy style
DRUG DEALERS
Peter Hayes QC
Melbourne Bar Association
ENTERING THE JOB MARKET
Eddie McGuire
Dean Mighell
H.E. Peter Woolcott
Australian Capital Reserve Investors
KEY ADVISOR IN THE SALE OF A
MULTIMILLION DOLLAR COMPANY
Kevin Rudd’s Dog
(Snowy?)
THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES
Boris Yeltsin
IN RETROSPECT, SHOULD HAVE
CONSIDERED TERRORISM
Schapelle Corby
THANKS TO:
Charmaine Panickar
Fay Chen (Boffin)
Gerd Hincliffe, P
Hayley Petrie, VP
PREMIER SPONSORS
Corrs Chambers Westgarth
Clayton Utz
Freehills
MAJOR SPONSORS
Allens Arthur Robinson
McCullough Robertson
Minter Ellison
STANDARD SPONSORS
College of Law
Hopgood Ganim
MacDonnells Lawyers
Mallesons Stephens Jaques
Sparke Helmore
On the cover:
Ségolène is clothed in L’ultra-left-wing
Rhetoric®, and uses Eau de BackwardEconomic-Logic and Unrealistic-Idealism
Foundation. Shoes by Lost Run-off.
Want to win these products? Justify French
Socialism in 62 years or less.
Obiter: Punching above our
weight and below the belt since
1966
GENERAL WARNING: ARTICLES CONTAINED IN THIS ISSUE OF OBITER, AND INDEED ALL ISSUES
OF OBITER, ARE ONLY THE VIEWS OF THEIR INDIVIDUAL CONTRIBUTOR(S) AND DO NOT REPRESENT THOSE OF THE UQLS INC., ITS EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE, SPONSOR(S), MEMBERS, THE TC
BEIRNE SCHOOL OF LAW OR THE UNIVERSITY OF QUEENSLAND. IT IS A SATIRICAL STUDENT
MAGAZINE: DON'T SUE. Sexual advice. Cosmobiter makes no guarantees that any sexual advice found herein will help you find
“Mr/Mrs Right”, or even a shag on Saturday night. Don’t blame poor performance on us. Previous editors learned to deal with it, so should
you. Printing Errors. Cosmobiter is not a printing error. Any printing errors are entirely accidental and unintended, and are certainly not a
deliberate attempt to cause controversy. C**t. The word ‘c**t’ has been reclaimed, but will not be used in this edition of Cosmobiter. Again.
No Warranties. Obiter makes no representations, truthful or otherwise. Cosmobiter can not and does not guarantee that eating disorders will not
result from reading this product. Cosmobiter also can not guarantee that you aren’t too fat already. In any case, Obiter is provided on an "as is",
"as available" basis without warranties of any kind, express or implied, including, but not limited to, those of TITLE, MERCHANTABILITY,
FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE or NON-INFRINGEMENT or any warranty arising from a course of dealing, usage or trade
practice. Disclaimer of liability. The user assumes all responsibility and risk for reading this issue of Obiter. Under no circumstances, including negligence, shall Obiter, or its employees or anyone else involved in creating Obiter liable for any DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL,
SPECIAL or CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES, or LOST PROFITS that result from the use or inability to use Obiter. In states which do not
allow some or all of the above limitation of liability, liability shall be limited to the greatest extent allowed by law. Disclaimer of Endorsement. Reference to any products, services, hypertext, link to the third parties or other information by trade name, trademark, supplier or otherwise does not constitute or imply its endorsement, sponsorship or recommendation by Cosmobiter, or its employees. Cosmobiter believes you
are beautiful just the way you are, but will nonetheless shove as much anti-aging and dieting advice in your face as possible. We don’t guarantee they will work, but some of you might as well try. No animals were harmed in the making of Cosmobiter. Except: whales, leopards,
panthers, baby fur seals and 2 koalas. Man, these koala slippers are comfy. Want more ambiguous legal disclaimers? Head to
www.uqls.com/obiter to check out past editions with even more dated jokes. Well, go there after you finish reading this one. Please.
Editors’ Note
W
hen coming up with the theme for this issue,
two editors thought that ‘girly magazine’
meant something completely different.
Needless to say things got kind of interesting when we
collated our background research…
With this edition we are taking Obiter where it has never
been before, and from where few have ever returned.
With their focus on materialism and on making readers
feel insecure about their bodies, we thought fashion
magazines were a ripe candidate for parody.1
When we did some research, though, it really does look
like these magazines parody themselves. “The top 7 sex
questions everyone asks us”, “The shock threat to your
fertility - read this, like, now” and “So Cosmo, are my
boobs normal?”2, it seems to us that these magazines try
to get people worked up over things that are about as
scary as that 10 cm tsunami. People should be getting
scared about real things, like how disorganised the law
school appears to have been this semester. Or, how
quickly the electives list is shrinking. Or, how much the
Prime Minister and the Leader of the Opposition both
look like kiddie fiddlers.
In response, we asked ourselves what our 7 top sex
questions were, and for that matter what our top 7 law
questions were.3
The answers were invariably
informative and genuinely eye opening; a lot of good
times were had. For this we must thank you, the readers.
Enjoy.
From top to bottom: Tom
Gole, James Green, Mark
Heiser, Charles Ashton.
1.
2.
3.
The Obiter Team
If there was a convenient way to have a go at current affairs shows, we’d do that too. Bloody Anna
Coren…
Cosmobiter can also answer this question.
Like, does snickering at the Moorcock test make me a bad person?
We hear you...
OUR PICK OF YOUR LETTERS THIS MONTH
Best. Issue. Ever.
“Kudos on Edition One – truly
brilliant stuff! I would also like
to express my approval of Law
Ball and Pub Crawl 2007. Just
one question – is that guy who
got naked on the bus available
for my sister’s hens night next
Friday? I’m sure it goes with
out saying but obviously we are
not looking for anything too
expensive or impressive.”
Amethyst-Rose
Disappointed
“I note that your last edition
was titled ‘The World Cup
Edition’, yet there was no
mention of cricket after the
Editorial. Is the fact that I lost
interest after this point in any
way related to people losing
interest in my organisation’s
Cricket World Cup?”
Percy Sonn, President,
International Cricket Council
Ed – Percy, please enjoy our Second
Edition’s tribute to your Cricket
‘World Cup’.
Ed[2] – Didn’t this guy just die??
Confused by
everyday
occurrence
“I was recently watching TV
when I noticed a Government
advertising campaign informing
me that superannuation has
now been reformed. The Ad
shows a man dressed as a chef
indicating general approval for
the scheme. I was wondering if
this means only chefs can
benefit from these
extraordinary reforms. Because
they really don’t earn very
much at all…”
One proud Nandos parttimer, St Lucia
Crossroads
“I was told that in Mining and
Petroleum Law the lecturer said
that companies ‘generally prefer
female truck drivers because
they keep the trucks cleaner’.
I’m now considering giving up
my job as a hairdresser to
become a truck driver. Am I
crazy to throw away 6 months
of TAFE for this dream?
GOT
SOMETHING TO
SAY?
Email us at
[email protected]
I’m
President?
“My nayme is Gerard
Hinchliffe. Nott Gerard
Hinchcliffe. Sum sought off
formal and publik apoligy
would be apreshiated.”
Gerry, St Lucia
Ripped Off!
“I was told that if enrolled in
a moot next year I wouldn’t
get subject credit. outrageous!”
Seeking GPA Boost, Milton
Homeless
“I’m a soon to be disenrolled
arts student from QUT
wondering what I should do
with my life once my
‘University’ shuts done the
arts department.
Jazzman, Woodridge
Ed – Surely you had contemplated
a directionless future when you
enrolled in Arts. At QUT.
Chantelle, Shailer Park
On Location
“Hope all is going well for
Edition Two – I’m having an
ever so wonderful time in
Melbourne at the moment!”
Charlie Ashton, MIA
WRITE IN AND
WIN
If your letter or email is published,
you’ve won a cool ‘spark up the
kitchen’ pack. The essential toy for
all Cosmobiter readers.
www.uqls.com/obiter
VISIT US ONLINE FOR FASHION. GOSS. CAREERS AND
GENERALLY WASTING TIME DURING SWOTVAC
Examination
Frustration
The monkeys at UQ’s Central
Exam Board have finally
managed to pull their fingers out and actually
produce an exam timetable. The problem is
exacerbated by the fact that more people than
usual have been screwed with back-to-back
exams by this allegedly improved computer
timetabling system. This follows the
shambolic mid-semester exam scheduling that
saw many students finishing in May, and God
forbid you try and access your timetable
through Si-Net. Obiter is disappointed and
would like a reply to the bunch of bananas we
sent their way early last week...
So hot right now!
Sue or be
Sued:
Did you choose the right
degree?
Law has continued its
dominance over the Medical
Faculty with an emphatic 2928 rugby victory last Friday.
Well done to the boys who
managed to come out on top in
a game that saw four lead
changes in the last twelve
minutes. It just goes to show
that Law really is better than
Med, and justifies our sending
them all the way out to
Herston.
After The Obiter’s HOT front cover in
Edition One the results are in! The
World has been rated a 7.8 on the Hot
or Not scale. That puts it ahead of Al
Gore (2.3) but behind Megan Gale
(9.9). Of course the bigger question is
will this merit a response from
Australian legislatures?
Moot-a-licious
UQ’s dominance of the nation’s mooting
competitions has continued in recent months. This
time with a huge victory in the regional rounds of the
Space Moot. Obiter wishes them luck in the world
rounds. Obiter also wishes the Maritime Moot luck
when they compete for international glory in
Melbourne at the end of June.
It won’t be the last time we see
you crying...
This dominance may also
explain why Law & Med was
moved when its exam got in
the way of Civil Procedure.
We wave our gavel of shame at
whoever was responsible for
that stuff-up.
Bernie’s Pant Grabs
An Insight into Excellence in the Field of
Civil Procedure
As any student at the TC Beirne School of Law would know, Associate Professor Bernard
Cairns is a great guy – he makes those tedious Monday nights/Tuesday mornings just fly by
with well placed gags and classic lines such as “You can still buy snuff if you know where to
get it”. The man practically wrote the Uniform Civil Procedure Rules and Obiter’s admiration
for the Associate Professor has been well documented in the past. Today’s tribute to
Bernard Cairns focuses on his trousers. As any student of his would have noticed, Dr Cairns
has the habit of stopping at the end of a sentence and performing a mighty hoist of his
pants. This particular Obiter editor became fascinated by the phenomenon and, being the
obviously studious individual that he is, went about keeping a tally of ‘Bernie’s Pant Grabs’
for the duration of the Semester.1 The results are contained in the table below:
1
LECTURE
BERNIE’S PANT GRABS
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
TOTAL
AVG
IIII IIII IIII
IIII IIII IIII
IIII
IIII IIII IIII
IIII I
IIII
III
IIII IIII
IIII
II
79
7.9
Due to the fact that we had a pressing deadline – and because it is easier to divide by 10 – Obiter did not
bother collecting data during the last 2 weeks of lectures. Whether or not this reduces the integrity of this
entire article and all conclusions contained herein is really a matter for people other than us to debate. We
wish them well.
So what then does all this mean? Obiter got some boffin from the Economics School to help
us interpret the data…
B ernie's P ant G rabs
Five‐number Summary
16
Minimum
2
First Quartile
4
14
12
10
8
Median
5.5
Third Quartile
14
Maximum
15
P A NT G R A B S
6
4
2
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
After some intense analysis, we were presented with linear, logarithmic and quadratic
models. Believe it or not, the linear and logarithmic were both significant at the 2% level of
significance (which means they were actually decent models…bizarre!) and the quadratic
model was to the 7% level significance, which again isn’t too shabby. We were however told
that “low R2 values” should cause us some concern.
The data showed that autocorrelation was not a problem. This put our theory that Bernie’s
choice of pants one week would affect his choice of pants in the next week to shame.
Looking at the raw data, we can be pretty sure that Associate Professor Cairns has at least
two pairs of pants. In weeks 1, 2, 4 and 8 he wore one pair, and another in weeks 3, 5, 6, 7, 9
and 10 when there were fewer pant grabs. This led our man in the field to think that
Bernie’s dark grey trousers are in fact a better fit.
In order to get something truly useful out of this whole experiment, we thought it might be
a good idea to work out how many times Bernie would pull his pants up if he got his wish
and Civil Procedure became a year long course (i.e. 26 weeks of bliss).
Using the linear model (because it sounded pretty easy) we got the following results:
Pant Grabs = 14.53 – 1.21weeks
= 14.53 – (1.21 x 26)
= ‐16.93
We can really only conclude two things from this. Economists are useless. Bernie is God.
“WHY NUCLEAR PROLIFERATION
IS LIKE SEX…”1
And in the next edition of Cosmobiter, why SEX is like SEX
Cosmobiter has noticed a trend for leaders of small, non-Nuclear Proliferation Treaty
(NPT) nations to acquire nuclear weapons. Cosmobiter has decided this is the next ‘big
thing’ in International Relations, and has termed the trend the “My-Penis-is-Bigger-thanYour-Penis” doctrine of nation building. To that end, Cosmobiter will demonstrate,
empirically, why nuclear proliferation is just like sex.
10.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
You can’t do it in public.
Nobody likes you if you brag about it.
You’re not doing it right if you don’t end with a bang.
You probably shouldn’t do it with a 12 year-old.
It’s all about experimentation.
Size matters.
You can see how it’s done on the Internet.
Protection is a good idea.
Everybody else is doing it.
1. It feels weird if the UN sends
inspectors.
“I love phallic looking missiles…”
1
“Not as much as I do…”
You’ll notice that this heading is statement, however, this hasn’t prevented us from
putting it in quotation marks. This is because we believe are readers are more likely to
swallow something if they believe someone is “telling them” that it is true. “That last
sentence made so much sense!!!”
Cosmobiter’s HANDYMAN Report with BOB
THE BUILDER!!
Have you ever wondered what has
happened to structural integrity in modern
buildings?1 Never mind if you haven’t,
because in Cosmobiter’s totally nonalarmist way I’m going to tell
you that there is a
HUGE
PROBLEM with the very
foundations you stand on.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a
bridge, a pub, or a
dedicated “First-year
learning environment”,
the problem is exactly
the same. Modern
buildings have replaced
load bearing columns
with flat-screen TV’s!
Take a look on the
following page. What
the hell is a flat-screen
doing on the Green
Bridge?
Has it been designed to
take that sort of load?
Some kind of futuristic
expansion joint? Obiter
suspects it is a totally
1
Cosmobiter instructs you to believe this is
a massive problem. If you don’t believe it,
we’ll show you lots of pictures of unsound
buildings. That’s how we make people
believe anorexia is a problem. Have you
seen an anorexic person in the street? No,
didn’t think so. So get believing it’s a
problem and shut the hell up.
superfluous taxpayer-funded engineering
sham.
What
about the
flat screen at the St Lucia Lakes bus stop?
Was this part of a new AWA negotiated
with bus drivers so they can watch TV
whilst waiting for students to board their
bus? Is it to remind passengers of what
they can’t possible afford
at home, but their HECS
fees evidently pay for?
WHY ARE OUR
LOUNGEROOM TV’S
WREAKING HAVOC
WITH MODERN
ARCHITECTS?
And if you snazzy lawstudents didn’t think this
affected you, take a look
at Cosmobiter’s
EXCLUSIVE inside shot
of the TC Beirne staff
room. You will note that
we took the step of
inserting a $1 coin so you
have an accurate size
comparator for what is
evidently propping up the
entirety of the aging Forgan Smith
building, by the looks of it.
STOP THE FLAT SCREENS! BRING
BACK BRICKS!!!
#1 – GREENBRIDGE:
Not only is the TV totally extraneous to
the bridge – but the seat is CLEARLY in
the wrong position for watching it!! If
you’re going to fork out that much for a
TV you should at least make it easy to
enjoy…
#2 – JAMES FOOTS BUILIDNG:
Cosmobiter has never seen this TV
activated. What’s more, there are
actually 4 of these TVs at various
junctures in the building. There is only
one question…Why….
#3 – FORGAN SMITH:
Enormous TV in the common room.
…and guess who paid for it?
$1
coin
#4 – LEANING TOWER OF PISA:
You know what I’m about to say. There
is only ONE reason why this building is
falling down…
Obiter’s SWOT-VAC Horoscopes Page
See what the next 3 weeks have in store for you…
After a very spiritual encounter at the Valley Markets last Saturday, Obiter has
been converted to the study of the stars and has consulted those eternal
beacons of light to provide our readers with an insight to these most stressful
weeks of Semester.
ARIES:
CAPRICORN:
THE STARS SUGGEST
THAT YOU HAVE MUCH
TO LOOK FORWARD TO
– LAWS ELECTIVES WILL
BENEFIT YOUR GPA THIS
SEMESTER…
YOU WOULD BE
WELL ADVISED TO
OVERCOME YOUR
ADVENTUROUS
STREAK – STAY IN
AND STUDY THIS
FRIDAY NIGHT…
AQUARIUS:
REMEMBER ON YOUR
CONSTIUTIONAL
EXAM THAT THE
TASMANIAN DAM
WAS NEVER
ACTUALLY BUILT…
TAURUS:
YOU WILL GET
GOOD GRADES IN
YOUR ARTS
SUBJECTS THIS
SEMESTER, BUT
UNFORTUNATELY
THE HR‐MAN WILL
NOT COME A
KNOCKING AFTER
YOU GET A 4 IN
CIVIL PROCEDURE…
CANCER:
THE RACIAL
DISCRIMINATION ACT
1975 (Cth) WILL
AFFECT YOU IN THE
DAYS TO COME…
PISCES:
NEPTUNE HAS
ALIGNED IN
SUCH A WAY
THAT YOU ARE
BEST ADVISED
TO ANSWER ALL
YOUR EXAM
QUESTIONS
WITH ‘YOUR
MUM’…
SAGITTARIUS:
PROCRASTINATION IS
THE NAME OF THE
GAME. A NEW OBITER
WILL APPEAR IN YOUR
HANDS AND STUDYING
IS FUTILE – YOU ARE
SCREWED…
GEMINI:
NOW IS A GOOD
TIME TO INVEST
– YOUR MERLO
COFFEE CARD IS
NEARLY AT THAT
MAGICAL 10TH
TALL SKINNY
LATE…
LEO: THE
‘QUIET STUDY’
SIGNS IN THE
LIBRARY APPLY
TO YOU TOO.
SHUT UP THIS
SWOT‐VAC,
NOBODY LIKES
YOU.
SCORPIO:
THE SWOT‐VAC
STARS HAVE BEEN
KIND TO YOU. YOU
WILL OPEN A SET OF
NOTES SENT TO
YOU BY A FRIEND
AND EVERYTHING
WILL FALL INTO
PLACE…
VIRGO:
LIBRA: THE
CONSTELLATION OF
TAMPON POINTS
TO BIG PROFITS
FOR
PHRAMACEUTICAL
ACCESSORY
COMPANIES THIS
MONTH…
MARS AND VENUS
ARE IN SYNC AND
A LIBRARY
HOOKUP AWAITS
YOU THIS SWOT‐
VAC – BEWARE
THE HOT PERSON
IN THE CUBICAL
NEXT TO YOU.
Cosmobiter’s
Sealed
WARNING:
If you are under the age
of 18, please seek your
Parent’s or Guardian’s
permission before
popping your seal1
Section
This month:
Taking up a Judicial
Position – Everything you
wanted to know, and some
things you didn’t.
1. Obiter would like to warn you that this sealed section MAY GENUINELY offend you.
Given the theme of this edition, if you think there is even the remotest possibility of this
being applicable to you, please DO NOT open up.
Cosmobiter’s
Let’s get
“Submitting to the Court”:
Difficulty rating: Associate.
“If it Pleases Your Honour”:
“Witness Box”:
Difficulty rating: Magistrate
Difficulty rating: Supreme Court.
Cosmobiter notes that this article deserves at worse an MA rating pursuant to the Australian Office of Film and
Literature Guidelines. We would further like to take this opportunity to point out that these images come from
www.sofeminine.co.uk – thus we think they’re kosher (if we can say that?).
Judicial Sex Moves…
FREAKY!
“6 Minute Billable Units”:
Difficulty rating: Barrister.
“Badgering the Witness”:
“Hung Jury”:
Difficulty rating: High Court.
Difficulty rating: Denning,
Master of the Rolls.
How do you sit on the Bench?
WHAT do you look
for in a legal
argument?
Is it the initial attraction?
The flirtatious little caseline followed by a
steamy citation that lasts
all night? Does the
word ‘lacuna’ turn you
on? Or are you the
stunner judge that will
make the court rise
when you enter a room?
Take this simple quiz
to find out…
1
A woman has found a
snail in her bottle.
Do you:
a. Apply the law as it stands and
find against her.
b. Invent a whole new field of
tortious liability just so you can
compensate her.
c. Tell her that snail tastes good
and she should get over it.
You have just been
told about a farmer
who has found
bacterial wilt on his potatoes.
Do you:
2
a. Find that the parties were far
too far apart for liability.
b. Ignore the fact that hundreds
of kilometres is a bloody long way
to predict that bacterial wilt will
travel, and find for the plaintiff.
c. Tell him that bacterial wilt
tastes good and that he should get
over it.
A group of
indigenous people
come to you with a
claim that has never been
recognised in the law before.
Do you:
3
a. Worry about a racist backlash
and turn down the claim.
b. Decide that native title exists
sui generis, and over turn 200
years of jurisprudence in
accordance with international
human rights norms.
c. Wonder what kind of a name
Mabo is, anyway.
Advocates’ immunity
has been abolished
in every other
common law jurisdiction.
Do you:
4
a. Ignore everyone else and assert
that Australia knows better, and
argue illogically that all advocates
deserve protection, regardless of
how negligent they are.
b. Argue that Australia should
listen to New Zealand for the first
time in its history and abolish the
immunity.
c. Jibber about “finality” forever
and ever without reaching a point.
When people who get
drunk keep suing the
pubs at which they
are getting drunk, you:
5
a. Argue that it would be an
improper imposition of liability,
and that people need to exercise
their own autonomy.
b. Rail against anyone who serves
alcohol and demand they take
responsibility for drunk people
everywhere.
c. Ignore wider society and rail
against anyone who drinks at all.
There is no clear
guidance for judges in
novel cases of tortious
liability. Do you:
6
a. Keep calling it “something
else” and hope no one notices you
don’t know what you’re doing.
b. Invent the phrase “proximity”
and hope no one notices you
don’t know what you’re doing.
c. Keep trying to apply Caparo v
Dickman and hope no one notices
you’re doing it.
Some folk are sick of
Four Corners and
want it taken off the
air. The approach you are
most likely to take is:
7
a. Strictly interpret the
constitution and boot them off
air.
b. Read all sorts of whacky things
into the constitution, and imply a
right to political communication.
c. Wonder why they called of
them “founding fathers” – it’s a
little sexist, really.
A woman is
complaining that
cricket balls keep
getting hit into her yard. Do
you:
8
a. Find that damages are an
adequate remedy.
b. Find that only an injunction is
an adequate remedy.
c. Go on a long-winded and
romantic discussion of just how
much you like cricket, and
somehow make a trivial case one
of the most famous ever.
Mostly (a): Conservative
You are a conservative judge, who likes to strictly interpret the constitution and is reluctant to
make huge leaps in the law. You don’t like change, and you don’t want anyone else to either.
You like your submissions to be brief, to the point and straight up and down. Some might call
you a bit of a missionary, but you just think the Founding Fathers knew what they were doing
when they laid the law.
You are most like: The Dixon and Barwick courts, the US Supreme Court since George W took
over, a couple of the Circuit Courts since Alberto Gonzales fired everyone he didn’t like.
Mostly (b): Activist.
You are an activist judge, who likes to interpret pretty much anything whichever way you like,
and is quite happy to find anything for any plaintiff you feel deserving. Nothing pleases you
more than seeing a corporate witness badgered in the box.
You are most like: Kirby, of course, but also the Mason and Brennan courts.
Mostly (c): Nuts.
You are nuts. While you don’t have a problem with doing six minute billable units, your real
interest lies in a hung jury. You have no control over yourself in court, you are liable to go on
all sorts of tangents, and while everyone finds you amusing they secretly snicker at you behind
your back. Get off the bench and onto some serious psychiatric help as soon as possible.
You are most like: who cares! Get out of my textbooks!
AMANDA VANSTONE’S GUIDE TO GET
TO ITALY…ON A JUNKET!!
STEP 1:
Get marketing studies
certificate from South
Australian Institute of
technology.
They don’t get to vote
so what’s the harm?
STEP 7:
Get law degree.
If you fail to stop all the
immigrants, support
mandatory detention
and lock them up.
STEP 3:
STEP 8:
STEP 2:
Marry commercial
lawyer.
STEP 4:
Abolish ATSIC.
STEP 5:
Don’t be sorry for
abolishing ATSIC.
There are many more
minority groups out
there and if you spend
too much time
apologising for screwing
one of them over, you
just won’t have time to
move on to the next
one!!
STEP 6:
Stop immigrants from
entering country. Use
whatever scare tactics
deemed necessary.
Once you’ve locked up
all the Asylum seekers,
start locking up
Australian citizens!
Bonus points for picking
on those with mental
disabilities. Extradouble bonus points if
they have a mental
disability AND can’t
speak English.
STEP 9:
STEP 13:
Get confirmation you
will be appointed to a
cushy diplomat post if
you resign.
STEP 14:
Deny step 13.
STEP 15:
Resign.
STEP 16:
Because you haven’t
finished screwing
around with the nation
yet, write a dodgy
national anthem made
up of scraps of words
from a trite, buzz-word
laden, neo-conservative
‘Freedom’ speech.
Repeat step 8.
STEP 17:
STEP 10:
Put said anthem to a
ripped-off English tune.
Repeat 8 again, this
time for the hell of it.
STEP 11:
Disallow Chinese
defector into country.
Face it, the Chinese will
probably do a better job
of screwing him over
than you will.
STEP 12:
Buy shares in a
piggery.
STEP 18:
HEAD FOR ROME AND
LEAVE US ALONE!
The Commonwealth “Fair Go” Act 2006
Contents
Part I — Preliminary
1
Short title to be “K-Rudd Sound-byte Memorial Act”
2
All goes deemed “unfair” to be thrown out “back-door”
Part II — Commencement
3
As soon as possible. We’ve only got 6 bloody months left
and this sound-byte is still our only IR policy.
Part III — General Provisions
4
General purpose of act to make all “Go’s” Fair
5
Further general purpose to express mild to moderate
disagreement with Howard’s AWA proposal
6
Yet another general provision
7
Policy to generally be very…‘general’
8
No specifics until AFTER election, stupid!
Part IV — Regulations
9
To be conducted by Unions as much as possible
Obiter’s Swot-Vac Games Team Presents
LATIN FOR LAW STUDENTS:
THE PHRASES YOU HAVE TO KNOW
We’ve all struggled during the course of our time at Law School to try
and remember the meaning of numerous outdated and seemingly
useless phrases caveat emptor and non est factum jump straight to
mind. Thanks to our wanky educations and with the help of the
Cambridge Latin Course Integrated Edition Unit 1,1 we at Obiter
thought it time to test your knowledge further with a number of phrases
that should come in handy in your day-to-day activities dealing with the
linguam Latinam.2 Simply match the Latin with the correct English
translation to win!
Quintus amicis discum ostendit
Knowledge and Work3
magna turba est in urba
The dog is sleeping in the street.
canis in via dormit
The slave walks.
vos Graecis estus furciferi
A big crowd is in the city.
dum casta vixerit
The Pompeians were drinking wine.
servus ambulat
While she lives chastely
Pompeiani vinum bibebant
We have faith in the baker.
scientia ac labore
You Greeks are rascals!
ancilla in atrio stabat
The slave-girl was standing in the hall.
nos pistori credimus
Quintus showed the discus to his friends.
Write in and let us know if you could get them. The first respondent with the correct answers
will be granted special leave and an all expenses paid trip to Pompeii!4
1
1996… The rest of the citation can get stuffed, we’re not the UQ Law Journal.
That is to say the Latin language.
3
An easy one – the motto of your university!
4
Subject to availability. Special leave at the discretion of the High Court only. Please realise this is not actually
a competition at all, it’s just that we had an extra couple of lines to fill. Obiter for PM.
2
Obiter’s Cricket World Cup
Wrap Up
Australia Leads The Way In Innovation
While Australia’s domination of the World Cup was complete, that hasn’t stopped Australia
pushing the boundaries of the game of cricket. First of all, Adam Gilchrist put a squash ball
in his glove whilst batting in the grand final, and scored a record 149 off 104 balls.
Controversy ensued.1
Not to be outdone, Kookaburra have released a new Smart Bat, which reduces the “zinging
feeling” associated with not finding the “sweet spot”.2
Finally, in an Obiter scoop, apparently following the light-related delays of the World Cup
Final, Ricky Ponting was wearing these.
Australia’s Increasing Technological Advances
Australia Wins Again
You might be aware of the cult following that developed around Bermuda’s Dwayne
Leverock at the recent world cup. The “feel-good hit of the summer”, Dwayne weighs in at
a hefty 135 kilograms and lives above a curry shop.3 But is he the biggest player ever?
No. In another victory for Australian cricket, it turns out the biggest player ever was our
very own Warwick Armstrong, the “Big Ship”. He weighed in at an amazing 140 kilos. To
put it in perspective:
From Left to Right: Ricky Ponting, inzamam-ul-Haq, Stonehenge, Leverock, Armstrong
1.
2.
3.
Obiter is most amused by the irony of Sri Lanka calling anyone cheats.
Some players never find out where this is, and are too afraid to ask.
Rumour has it that there is another one next door, and he keeps both in business.
Australia Prevents Human Rights Abuses4
Cricket Australia took a stand recently to prevent further human rights abuses in Zimbabwe
by boycotting the proposed tour there later this year. When asked why they chose deny
average Zimbabweans the chance to watch their national team in action when it will do little
to change the actions of Mugabe and his murderous regime, a spokesman from Cricket
Australia replied, “Haven’t these people suffered enough already?”
The only thing to be achieved by sending the Australian cricket team
to Zimbabwe would be to add a metaphorical bloodbath to the literal
ones being carried out already. The Marylebone Cricket Club, the
home of cricket, have already denounced Zimbabwe as so awful that
they shouldn’t even be playing first class cricket, let alone test cricket,
and we here at Obiter don’t see how they could possibly get any
worse. That said, last we heard Eddie Jones was available for hire.
In any case, your average Zimbabwean wouldn’t have been able to go,
assuming they were interested in going in the first place. With 80%
unemployment and 3700% inflation, most Zimbabweans are too busy
Robert Mugabe:
President of Zimbabwe, trying to survive to be able to spend $5 $15 $50 $400 on a ticket to the
or bloody tyrant?
cricket.
The whole reason that Zimbabwe cricket is so appalling has to do with
the complete politicisation of Zimbabwe Cricket, with Mugabe as its
patron and his croney Peter Chingoka as its President. They fired all
the white players and anyone who stuck up for them, they have banned
new agencies from covering their games and they have attempted to
create an air of “transparency” by hiring two junior accountants from
Harare to audit their accounts.5 They use cricket as propaganda, and as
a free-thinking democracy, we should not be complicit in it.
But Obiter lays the real blame for this debacle on the corrupt heart of
international cricket, the International Cricket Committee. These
Peter Chingoka: Head of
men6 have abandoned the spirit of the game to become lapdogs of
Zimbabwe Cricket, or
multi-national corporations and slaves to the sub-continent, which
extra from Gremlins 2?
drive the bulk of their revenue and therefore control the votes. The
World Cup, as awful as it was, is just the least of the mistakes and cynical money-grubbing
exercises this organisation has been up to, and while they have the power to deny some
legitimacy to the Mugabe regime, they don’t. They make the IOC look like the paragons of
virtue.7
And as for anyone who thinks that this boycott will lead to a spiral of further boycotts, or a
counter-boycott against Australia, we say, “bring it”. Australia will head up the “Not
Zimbabwe Cricket Committee”, and the NZCC8 Cricket World Cup will be a damn lot
better than the last one.
The ICC, and anyone else who has the ability to alter the behaviour of the Zimbabwean
regime, has an obligation to do what they can to prevent further abuses from occurring, and
to tighten up Mugabe’s economic and legal management of the country.9 As for the UN and
putting Zimbabwe in charge of world-wide sustainable development, don’t get us started...
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
Obiter is aware all of the titles in this article involve the word “Australia”. This is because the only
things worth happening in cricket today involve Australia.
Seriously. So Australia and the ICC paid them $11.5 million to compete at the World Cup, and we
don’t have any idea where a cent of it has gone.
And yes, they are all men, which is probably part of the problem.
Which, ironically, is just not cricket.
Not to be confused with any of those horribly mediocre Kiwi events.
At the very least, they should insist he stop hiring QUT grads.
Human Resources
Buzz Word Bingo
Look, we here at Obiter think interviews are as boring as you do. But
they don’t have to be, as long as you find a way to make them fun. The
easiest way to do this is to play games: try to count how many individual
hairs the balding partner has left, guess how many affairs the 30something senior associate has had in the last year, so on. In order to
make this a little easier, Obiter has devised this nifty interview bingoboard. Just print it out, take it to your interview, and when you’ve filled a
row, column or diagonal, you’ve obviously dropped enough buzz-words
to get the job. That is to say, bingo!
Work/life
balance
Results
Driven
Innovation
ETHICS
Strong
rewards
program
Initiative
Team
Work
Values
Support
network
Work/life
balance
Top of the
profession
Dynamic
Creativity
All the “Big
Deals”
Unique
environment
Client
Focus
Core
But I want more of a challenge...
Obiter hears you. So we’ve created an alternative HR Bingo game. This
time, the challenge is to drop as many of these as possible over the course
of the interview, and still get the job.
Jail Time
Fired from
every job
you’ve
ever had
BODY
ODOUR
Fervent
belief that Al
Gore is lying
Absence of
Social
Conscience
Inability Assaulted
to relate last boss
to people
Fear of
gavels
Toe nail Time spent in alcollection Qaeda training
camp
Fruitarianism
Delusions of
vampirism
Insatiable
flatulence
Hatred of
people with
blue eyes
Land mine
collection
moral
compass
Obiter takes no responsibility for what happens if you decide to play this
game, but if you do pull it off, we’d be very curious to hear all about it
and what firm hired you.
Dancing with the Tsars:
A Tribute to Boris Yeltsin
One of the greatest men of our time died on April 23, 2007 of congestive heart failure. A
hero to his nation, Boris Yeltsin was the first President of Russia, following the collapse of
the USSR, and lead his country through turbulent times towards a new, brighter democratic
future.
That, however, only made him a statesman. It is not what made him one of the finest men of
our time, if not of all of time. What made him the legend that he is today, and forever will
be, was this:
And this:
The Commie-Commie
Shake-Shake
And this:
Yes, his dancing!
1
The Gulag Prance
Note: he is pretending his
pants do not fit.
The Iron Curtain Peep
In 2000, Boris suddenly resigned, handing the reigns over
2
to the current ruler, Vladmir Putin. While he has tried his
best, the not-dancing Mr Putin just isn’t fit to sit in the same office as Boris. Not even the
fact that he used to be in the KGB agent and has a black belt in karate can make up for this
failure. Obiter firmly believes No Dancy—No Presidency!
So when the West condemns Mr Putin for not following in the traditions of his predecessors,
they might say that it’s because he is oppressing minorities3, or because he doesn’t allow free
media4, or that he is bullying former Soviet satellites states into submission with Russia’s
monopoly on gas in the region5, but what they really mean to say is, they miss the happy-golucky, half-a-bottle-of-sweet-sweet-vodka-before-breakfast Boris Yeltsin. And so do we.
In tribute to the late, great Boris Yeltsin, therefore, we have come up with a new drink. We
hope you enjoy (we know he did).
“A new democratic Russia was born during his time: a free, open and peaceful country. A
state in which the power truly does belong to the people. A state where hip gyration can be a
ticket out of poverty ”
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
For more, type “Boris Yeltsin Dancing” into YouTube.
By ruler we mean “President”. And by “President”, we mean ruthless and oppressive dictator.
Which he does.
Which he doesn’t.
You get the point.
The Yeltsin
(Formerly known as the Red Russian)
Ingredients
bottle
1 ounce of Vodka.
70 years of Absolut® Dictatorship
A generous bit of Triple Sec Heart
Bypass
1 ounce of Perestroika1
Glasnost (just a dash2)
Optional – sobriety, evidently.
Instructions
Add all ingredients into a cocktail shaker filled with crushed socialist
dreams. Shake overly vigorously and strain into a subsequent
authoritarian regime. After it’s finished, garnish with disingenuous and
back-handed praise.
1.
If Perestroika is not available, you can try substituting it for Deng Xiaoping’s economic reforms, but it
will lose that chaotic, collapsing-empire tang.
2.
Too much and it will taste too transparent.