~
1001 Activities, by members of the Scratch Orchestra
44
Funny laugh plus silly walk
87
Become a cavalier
~
45
Funny laugh plus silly walk plus eomieal facial
88
Have an af ter 8
46
expressian
Funny laugh plus silly walk plus eomieal faeial
89
90
Switch on your colour TV
Tread in puddle
1
2
Drawa picture of a cat
Puff of smoke
3
Tap dance
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
expressian plus something sadistic
91
Look like a ponee
Impression of Marlon Brando
Rotate your boat before commencing
Don't play music from Fiddler on the Roof,
47
48
49
Playelastic band
Form elastic band
Knit
92
93
94
Established 1830
Play music box
Bite your nails down to your elbows
(alternatively do)
50
Make necessity a virtue
95
Let your shadow follow you, give it a few words
Remember all the activities you 've done
Impression of chalky the white faced golliwog
Realise that Neptune is in conjunction (perhaps
51
52
53
If not engaged in anything else, look for wars
Look askance
Try just a little bit harder
96
97
of encouragement
Revolve
Look bored in back of taxi
inform same people)
54
Walk on heels onee round Queen Elizabeth Hall
98
Prepare to undergo random method of your
Activity that you will perform in the future
Sit down, stand up and say 'is there anybody
55
56
Flip, flop, flip, flop
Imitate as closely as possible someone else's
99
choice to decide when to eat a sandwich
Write to Marjorie Proops for advice
playing
100
Expose yourself
here' (6 times)
12
Take the three balls from a pawnbroker's shop
101
and roll them around the lawns at Buck House.
57
While away a period of time
Take a selection from what you get
58
Inspect socks for hales (as many pairs as
102
Swear
13
14
Break window of old school
Listen to the birdies (on one leg)
59
possible)
Rip off a button
103
104
Avoid a Corsican
Get inta Boys and Girls exhibition without
15
16
17
18
Change hats
Ride a cock horse to Bambury Cross
Go tell it on the mountain
Do the hokey eokey
60
61
62
Comb hair, ruffle it, comb it, ruffle it, comb it ...
Do any activity backwards
Wipe the smile off someone's face
105
106
107
paying
Punch your b~st fri end on nose
Sew button on
Delete a right angle
19
20
21
Tell a ehild a story
Shake that thing
Read extract of prose upside-down (the prose)
63
64
65
Urinate
Go higher and higher
Find yourself through a maze
108
109
110
Hang on
Wince with disillusionment
Behave like Nixon
22
Saerifiee a brown paper bag (sheep's bladder)
66
Sing the blues
111
Fire one of your empfoyees
23
24
25
Impression of a Turkish soldier
Insist on a game of ring-a-ring-a-roses
Turn over a new leaf
67
68
69
Watch something grow
Frown at something funny
Smile at something sad
112
113
114
Point in same direction
Warn c1oakroom attendant
Demolish your home
26
27
28
Hand on belly - Barber, of Seville
Do brass rubbing (not necessarily brass)
Addition, 27395 + 750026 + 43 + 4310763 +
70
71
72
Speak unintelligibly
Throw many things far and wide
Dance
115
116
Destroy something
Put your hands between your legs, up your back
and cover your ears with them
891540718 + 92
73
In these accents - South American drawls,
117
Hide
29
Nate the position of all slippery rnerchants
Afriean, Australian, Welsh (high pitch), Welsh
118
Surreptitiously enter sleazy joint
30
31
32
33
Impression of Dr Cameron
Visit inner ear ..
Visit stornach
Visit heart
119
74
75
(low pitch), English, Yorkshire, Bolton - (say
text of no 73)
Count your chickens before they hatch
Kick
120
121
Do all actions necessary to play / sing a piece
of music
Fill a tank
Slide down a moonbeam
34
Look at the river
76
Short Shakespearean recitation
77
Fidget
122
Flash nice crisp greenie
CBE
78
What's 78?
123
Tear a five pound nate in 3 pieces
36
Imagine you're at a concert starring Judy Garland
79
Insult someone
124
Toss in the air
37
Steal a bell
80
Fliek
125
Count up to 167
38
Song 'She's only a bird in a guilded cage'
81
Answer telephonc:::
126
Follow dotted line
39
Minutes silence (with salute) for John Denison
35
132
133
Something with liquid
82
Drive a 32 ton articulated lorry
127
Do the last thing you forgot
40
Alter hair style
83
Mend watch
128
Undergo labour pains
41
Travel a short distance on knees (holding feet)
84
Ask a policernar
129
Make a decision
42
Brush yoursclf off
85
Hat a ~h(~rry
1)0
Play without rhymc or rcasol1
43
Funny laugh
86
Make thl'm t:Olnl' thkk and fast
131
IInitat'c il drunk(,1l Itnlian
178
179
Negotiate the dog's bowl
Make it with Sophia Loren
227
228
Something with string
Use gold dice to decide whether or not to
inform your dien! that he has to appear in
180
Live it up and die in bed
229
Lick the bowl
lnquire of the wife's whereabouts
Rip down washing line
court on Tuesday
181
Fold up
230
Make a debut
134
135
eut a tomato into 62lh pieces - distribute
Investigate an extraterrestiai activity
182
183
Throw in your hand
Get into it up to your ears
Heave ho
231
232
136
Half time: suck aleman
184
Float away to a star
233
Strap a lamb chop round your head and dtive off
137
Say it with flowers
185
Be a bit nifty
234
~rustrate an urge
138
Defrost chicke n
186
Have a bit of an argey-bargey
235
Succumb to a temptation
139
Soak overnight
187
Whistle while you wait
236
Avoid an anti the sis
140
141
Abuse yourself
Cough up
Pop up
237
238
Seek a recurrence
Amuse yourself
188
189
142
Bind and reap
190
Spring to life
239
Do a star turn
143
Divest yourself of an ornament
191
Fall by the wayside
240
Do the ton
144
145
146
Expertly weigh 12" cigar in left hand
Vamp
Take lid off petroI can
192
193
194
Subjugate yourself to wisdom
Olme off
Call out names of everyone you can see
241
242
243
147
Blush at a compliment
195
Dig the viola playing of Felix Paparaidi
244
Don 't take anything for granted
148
Blanch at a vulgarity
196
Be very mean
245
Vo mit
149
150
Smoke a cigarette
Bury me beneath the old oak tree
Tread o n a rake
246
247
Spraya policeman's helmet gold
Place cigarette on back of drivers hand in order
197
198
to make point
199
Have a fit
248
Mend a motorbike
151
Dismiss your concubine
200
Do something tasteful
249
Be late for work
152
153
Swallow your words
201
202
Pretend you are somewhere else
250
251
Bathe
You must laugh
Cut down a tree
Gore Vidal
Strap a cake round your head and drive off
Blow nose
Paint your monster
Cultivate a speech impediment
Bang with a hammer
Something with whitewash
154
Ce1ebrate the arrival of 154
203
Don't anticipate anything
252
Thread needle
155
Dismiss all evidence
204
Be left holding the baby
253
Daydream
156
Sing a rude song
205
Unfold newspaper
254
Clasp hand to forehead and stagger
157
158
Write love letter to the DJ of your choice
Stamp foot
Tear paper
255
256
Grovel
Become hyper-conscious of breathing
206
207
159
Blow the wind southerly
208
Tear Polythene
257
Leap into the shadows
160
Dissuade a newcomer to eat fois de gras
209
Put up umbrella
258
Get into position
161
Sweep the floor
210
Blowou t candle
259
Hog what is yours
162
163
164
165
Mark out an area and never walk in it again
211
212
Scratch back
Gesticulate wildly
213
Spin a circle
260
261
262
214
Chant
263
Count your blessings
264
Hesitate
Divide a loaf by a knife
265
Start a fire
Take an option
266
Put it out
Trespass
Dig the progressive blues in the evening sky
Don 't be long
166
167
Run off
215
Have a pint
216
Build sand castles
Rub your knuckles on shiny surface
Ask someone for he1p
Clean teeth
Wash someone's feet
Have a Sarni
168
217
169
Tread lightly up the apples and pears
218
Fly
267
Put it in
170
Hang off top of double decker bus
219
Multiply
268
Extend - rhinocerous; funny things, awful day
171
Get your gums around my plums
220
Memorise _a magic square
172
173
Tiptoe through the tulips
221
222
Eat
in May
Put out the light and then put out the light
Drink
269
270
223
Do up your shoe laces
271
Make a ring like a very stupid person
Cornwall
224
Co-operate.with someone
272
Initiate a rite
175
176
177
Tan your arse
225
226
Write your memoirs
273
274
Camp one
275
276
Hide your errors
lnvolve a disinterested party
320
321
Hop on a bus
Look af ter the pennies
365
366
Open all the windows and doors
Squeak
277
Hack your way through a forest
322
Watch a painting depreciate in value
367
Shudder
278
Somerhing nasty with cork screw
323
Take a long time to realise somcthing
368
Sighdeeply
279
Exaggerate every move
324
Trace a picture
369
Attract someone's attention
280
Circumnavigate
325
Frigbten a little gitl
370
Go, bash a sparrow
281
282
Adjust your colour TV
282 similar things
326
327
Listen
Bend and stretch
371
372
lump up, throw a wobbly
Nick a quid
283
Rub sboulders witb the stars
328
Gimme that old time perversion
373
Sit on a pumpkin
284
285
286
Buy scrapbook and stick pictures in it
Groan
Let the grass grow under your feet
Dream a little dream with me
Abide with me
374
375
376
Enjoy the sun
Dig in
Annoy
329
330
331
287
Tcase
332
Play Beethoven
377
Eat fisb paste
288
Expostulate
333
Pay attention to the person furthest away from
378
Stop sniffling
289
290
Procrastinate
etear up af ter yourseif
334
you
Watch out for falling debris
379
380
Wear goggles
Warm your feet
291
Belcb
335
Embark on a gigan tic enterprise
381
Dig up a worm
292
Pretend easter eggs
336
Make the situation worse
382
CIear out the: grate
293
Associate yourseif witb a smelly person
337
Give a sucker an even break
383
Break the land speed r«ord
294
Emasculate
338
Take sides
384
384
295
Cut out shape in felt, sele et diamonte studs,
339
Chart your position in relation to the meridian
385
Minusone
sequins, beadst Iurex thread, met3:1 huttons, gold
340
Become emaciated
386
Start all over again
387
lump up in the air, and shriek at the sigbt of a
174
Don 't get your knickers all twist
Keep the pot boiling all the way down to
Mind your rnanners
Don't call ns, we'll call you
Get the boys down
Something ridiculous with fire lighters
Be evasive
Carve your initials on a nice piece of furniture
and silver foil. Stick or sew these onto material
341
Give up being an artist
296
Close your eyes and think of England
342
Define your terms
297
Measure distance bctween you and nearest person
343
Listen to Vivaldi in ironmongers shop
388
Get in the back way
298
Make notes about cornices
344
Fly kites
389
Be obscene
299
Read out headlines
345
Fade away
390
Educate yourseif
300
Implicate your neighbour
346
Go as far as possible in one direction
391
Make it known that you can't spel!
301
Animal sounds
347
Rearrange thc: decor
392
Feel queer
302
303
Dig up bogweed in the dusk
Play tunes on glasses
348
349
Make your breathing audible (but not forced)
Run around the block
393
394
Puke
Recover
304
Excuse yourseif with vain promises
350
Listen out for a fire engine
395
Never again
305
Whistle
351
Influence someone
396
Tell a yarn
306
Polish shoes
352
Communicate non-verbally
397
Slip into tbe Nortb Se ..
307
Make paper sculpture
353
Something with giant sized imitation box of
398
Fish a big 'un
308
Turn backward somersault in the air
chocolates
399
Stop
309
Balance eel on end of nose
354
Burn down a building
400
Electrocute yourseif (not seriously)
310
Make a detailed analysis of all deaths and draw
355
Scratch left ear
401
Burn yourseif (seriously)
your own conclusions
356
Stroke a eat
402
Poke your tongue out at a first-aid man
Include cigarette ends in an inventory of the
357
Cover the streets with banana peel
403
('.all for help
(sIippery town)
404
Fall over backwards
311
t
heath
312
spider
Overwhelm somebody
358
Buy product you 've seen advertised on TV
405
Resen-t the fact that you are on television
313
Make lamps out of old wine botdes
359
Cut down tree
406
Rejoice that you can 't get ITV
314
Sing a lullaby
360
With heavy disguise ...
407
Put your foot through the screen
315
316
Get it together
Take off some dothes
Knock down wall
408
409
Lie in mud
Throw custard pie
361
362
317
Stone the crows
363
Don't eat, don't drink, don 't smoke, don't
410
A hangover from the Beethoven Bi-centenary
318
Be in Carolina in the morning
move, scarcely breathe
411
Pot-boHers
319
Look for a silver lining
Hop up and down on a sporron
412
Enjoy ir for its own sake
413
Capture the sccnt of heather
fence
506
Address yourself to Roast beef
414
Charlie is me darling
460
Wrestle with your con science
507
Wicked Wednesday
415
Don'r worry
461
And now on to opera
508
Soliloquisc
364
Stare a worm in the face
416
A linguistic tour-de-force
462
Steal the limelight
509
Hop" for the best
417
A higher artistic plain
463
510
Hear alecture
418
Get in a rut
464
In the days Melba and Tetrasini
Steat a bakers dozen
511
Getbitten
419
Feel a right tit
465
Sing Rossini sloppily
512
Write your diary
420
Creep up from be hind
466
Allow a luscious curve to whip around your
513
Phone your analys!
421
Put your gloves on
Bristols
514
Scrutinize a watch that doesn 't work
422
Come and go
467
Pack cm in
515
Arrange a meeting
423
A gentle and imaginative solo ist
468
Dig for aU your worth
516
Cancel a concert
424
Seems misrakenly east
469
Regal and stately and the LSO
517
Coat your tongue with 100s & 1000s
425
Bump off your old aunt
470
An unbreakable web of sound
518
Have nothing to say to your brother
426
Tread on a sausagc':dog
471
519
Pour
427
Get it back to front
472
Let your hair down
520
Read a
428
Double your money
473
Born at lunchtime on a Sunday
521
Read b
429
430
Ten Blake songs
Feel admirable
474
475
Get a bit lovey-dovey
Inquire into Fred Boot's magic
522
523
Write a trio
Hunt plants by the riverside
431
Balance a plank on your head
476
Feel drained at low tide
Cluner yourself up with spuds
477
Feel reluctant to go
Get down
524
432
525
Tear your hairout in frustra~ion (reaHy)
433
Over-do it
478
Choose a delightful cabbage and tear it out of
526
Think someone eIse's thoughts
434
Walk over the ceiling (no, reaUy)
the ground
527
Formulate exercises relating to interpenetration
435
Clean out the latrine
479
Wait in the labour exchange
528
Wade through sewage
436
Tear off the toilet papcr
480
Noble duetting
529
Roll yourseif dean in long grass
437
Make a complete recording
481
A little laugh
530
Ratde arabbit
438
Stick it out
482
Shirk
531
Attack the inaccessability of other peoples' ways
439
Walk out of the door, trip-up and bash your
483
Hop
head
484
Link
532
Sing for your supper
440
Rub your hand
485
Finger a pile of pa pcrs
533
Walk around wearing a second skin
441
Get somewhat enlarged
486
Bolt's Brahms by the LSO
534
Think of your ancestors and feel ashamed
442
Drink 42 of somerhing
487
An extra lift of excitement
535
A great noiS( - öl veryexpensive noise
443-
A big boor in rhe guts
488
Go wenching
536
Take apart a lock and see how it works
444
445
Give some blood
489
On a razorsedge
537
Eat love-letters (subsist on a diet of love-letters)
Fall off a bridge in a wood
490
Lust on a pretty girl or handsorne bloke
538
Egg-cup,ash-rr.y, inkweU (Trio 1)
446
Suffer like nobodies business
491
Wish you wer.:herc
539
YH 629685C
447
Crash
492
A strong and understan4ing appredation
540
Plunge from a negligible heighr
448
Blow a fucking great hole in a run-way at
493
An ignorant garage owner
541
Edipse rbe Sun
Heathrow
494
Siphon jam·tarts into a bucket
542
Stamp on your foot
449
[)estroy Tesco's in any small town
495
Roll. Chrisrm.s cake .long rhe MI
543
Eat your chin
450
Discuss until you come to blows
496
Ger caught on harb-wire
544
Laugh like a dr.in
451
Sink into oblivion
497
Listen to thc Archers for one week
545
Button your lip
452
Run away from a load of yobs
498
Spir.on ajerk
546
Cross your bridges before you come to them
453
454
Wiggle like a Dude
Show-off
499
500
Grasp a pussy-willow
Keep ir up
547
548
Damn your eyes
Drop • currsy
455
Scrupulously balanee yourseIf
501
Correspond
549
Drop a line
456
457
Giveup
Don'r follow on
502
503
Scratch .bour
Slide around
550
SSl
Drop • elanger
Drop your h's
458
Hit a six
504
T_ke something in for servicing
552
Drop • pcrpendicular
459
Run like billio and catch your finger in the
505
Mend a light bulb
553
Drop in
554
555
556
557
558
559
560
561
562
563
564
565
566
567
568
569
570
571
572
573
574
575
576
577
578
579
580
581
582
583
584
585
586
587
588
Drop out
Put your foot in it
Be put out
of
597
598
599
on stage as Stuart Burrows
Arsenie and old lace
Be writtcn off
Wreck yourself with a rusty mattock, the handle
Lose track of time
of which i5 exquisitely carved, inlaid with ivory
Lose face
and set with precious stones
Put your left leg in
600
Put your left leg out
In, out, in, out, shake ir all about
Etcrnalise
Dangle
Jangle
Wrangle
Tang1e
Mangle
Spangle
Blow the gaff
Fall about laughing
Jump up and bang your head on the ceiling
Explode a hypothesis
Expound a theory
Make your blood boil
lmitate Che Guevara as a small bad ger
Change guard at Buckingham Palace
Translatc the Hsin-Hsin Ming inta Medieval
Russian
601
Do as you would be done by
Be done by as you did
of life
"You'Il never go to heaven if you break my
Keep your head in the presence of a tiger
Make yourself a jacket out of ,National Velvet
645
646
Go on for ever
Write a precis of the Bible in words of not mare
Play the whale
Fish for compliments
Fish for fivers
Fish for the nates
Make a false entry and still hold back
Take it easy, but take it
Throw fifty fits, make allowance for the
Laugh fit to bust
Laugh till you cry
Laugh till you break your jaw
Lie on the bottom of a swimming pool and
Repeat 650 wearing an atomic powered kilt and
Up an' give 'em a bIa' a bia'
Wi' a hundred pipers an' a' an' a'
653 Moonlight and roses and parsans' noses
654 Every lassie loves his laddie, coming through the
Demonstrate the sound of one hand
Fall among thieves
Fall inta arrears
rye (misquote)
655
Fall into disgrace
"Someday my prince will come", Something
with a pit ch fork
656
A little of what you faney"
Throw the world over,
Go on for langer than you expected
seven league boots
652
Giver her/hi m satisfaction
Fall into a vat of boiling dung (or oi1)
Go on for langer than you intended
breathe in deeply
651
Land a gigan tic catch
Fall inta disfavour
Invest in squirrels
proximity of spectators
647
648
649
650
than one syllable
602
603
604
605
606
607
608
609
610
611
612
613
614
615
616
617
640
641
642
643
644
Home, horne on the range, where the people
are acting so strange
657
the white cliffs of Dover
Show the m who's boss, then resign your
position
heart"
618
Turn a Chinese Revolution
658
Run the gauntlet
Who says?
619
620
621
622
623
624
625
626
627
Make a Venetian blind
659
660
Be the object of a fugue subject
Be Rife
Incline your head till it touches the ground
Break the large glass
Arrest a Polieeman
Singing Balls to the Baker, arse against the wall
Climb every mountain
"Fuck my old Boots"
The two fingered sign of distaste in -::onjunction
Make a Maltese Cross
Fly in the face of danger
Put on a brave face
Fly on the face other Majesty the Queen
Pollute a bowl of custard
Dispute a Death sentenee
question
661
662
663
664
Be "eut to the quick"
665
Lose your cool
Rumble the Popish plot
Give a ·detailed exposition as to the reasans for
Give a tonal answer to a rhetorieally insulting
Be quick to the eut
Do the dirty on somebody
Breeze it, bugg it,
easydoes it
with something sweet and sugary, painted
Titus not getting his oats
666
Lose your virginity
yellow, lusdously curving into the distance,
628
Make peace
667
Lose your self respect
taking her pants off, reaping the whirlwind and
629
Make war
668
Be caught with your trousers at the cleaners
singing a twelve bar blues on the-back seat of a
630
Make love
669
Beat your wife with a damp squid
tandem tricycle
631
Make friends
670
Pick your nose with a mechanical shovel
589
590
591
Come to a pretty pass
Make amends
671
672
Feel glad all over. (How did "Glad" enjoy it?)
592
Burn the boats
Shiver me timbers
632
633
634
635
636
593
Come to a pretty lass
Sweat like a pig
594
595
596
Splice the mainbrace
677
678
679
680
681
682
683
684
685
686
687
688
689
690
691
692
693
694
695
696
697
698
699
700
701
702
703
704
705
706
Beg for mercy
Take yourself down a peg
Question your bank state ment
707
708
709
710
711
712
713
714
715
716
717
718
719
Drink like a fish
Swear like a trooper
Never sa y die
Do or die
637
638
639
720
721
722
723
724
Die the death
Become a dyed in the wool dogmatic
Unfrock a clergyman
Bat an eyelid
Turn the other check
Whippoorwill
Pursue a will o' the wisp
Make a bIoomer
Rut
Split your difference
Turn up trumps
Give a light show to a heavy audience
Dig up your potatoes, trample on your vines
725
726
727
728
729
730
731
732
733
734
735
Let the cat out of the bag
Get the pip or (conversely) give somebody the
pip
Grow younger from today
674
675
676
Set the pips on a weIl known politician
Make-up
Decree a repetition, of the Spanish Inquisition
Up, up and away
Help an old ladyacross the road against her will
Drink a yard of ale
Drink a yard of whisky
Commit perjury
Walk around London in Indian file
Have a picnic on Hammersmith Bridge
Say the unrepeatable
Ball the Jack
Touch the moon
Be a bit of a bastard (which bit is up to you(?) )
Play with your friends
Play with your self
Cycle up the steps of the Eiffel Tower, then
Walk backwards for a hundred yards then run
Syndicate every boat you row
738
739
740
741
742
743
744
Brush up your Shakespeare
Dig a pony
Photograph the back of your head
Make a sculpture of the wind
Paint your anus
Fight the good fight,
Do something for Pete's sake
Fall asleep during page five of John Cage's
Fall awake during Group 139 of Stockhausen's
Whistle to your hearts cantent
Take some eoal to Newcastle
Kiss the Blarney StOlle
Wipe your sIate dean
Ra pe a canary
Construct a short way to Tipperary
Put off procrastinating till tomorrow
Regurgitate an eel pie
Put out a can die and apologise to it for so doing
Flush the lavatory with one almighty stroke of the
Drown one of !arger types of rodent with the
sweat of your brow
771
772
773
774
Shave the cat with a few sharp words
Confucian confusion
Be redundant
Learn to recognise St Peter's Square, and so is
the Pope
775
Run amok
Make same Holy smoke without a celestial fire
Take off your c10thes before a paying audience
Now for something complctely different
Open up them Pearly Gates
Swim the Channel underwater
pen
770
Part your hair from ear to ear
Grow a moustach in the small of your back
Squander your ill-gotten gains
"Gruppen"
760
761
762
763
764
765
766
767
768
769
backwards for a hundred yards
Collapse as if exhausted, dissimulation will not
be permitted
Loop the loop
"The Music of Changes" ,~ook IIL
759
Speak now or forever hold your peace
737
Celebrate every thing you are
755
756
757
758
Hold a special service in the memory of anyone
Hunt the thimble
Make out a case for a logical hassoon
lndicate every thing you see
somebody the pip
673
cyc1e down again
736
Be pipped at the post or (conversely) give
"Gimme that thing"
A cat's Iick and a pro mise
attempting "723"
Make a face at a tree
Give a wa y the game
Rake up your past
Confine yourse1f to a wheel chair for the day
and make a round tour of the bonarns of
crowded staireases. (Be a nuisance!)
776
sitting in tota! darkness
Remember something. you had long since
forgotten
each and every night.
745
Perform a five card trick and amaze your friends
777
Board and leave a tube train inbetween stations
Cor strike a light,
746
Execute a lithograph of a pig in a poke
778
Broadeast to the Nation
with all thy might
747
Count the number of hairs on the back of each
779
Paint your face in the dress tartan of the dan
.. Know the male but keep to the role of the
hand; and take down the number of the difference,
femak"
c1imb the same number of trees with a chamber-
780
Satire:- send up a ballDon
Thank Lao Tzu for "707"
pot and a small goat strapped to your back
781
782
Forfeit your right to live
Thank D C Lau for trans~ating "708" from the
748
Fiddle while Rome burns
original Chinese
749
Given an i~itation of the Vienna Secession,
Macleod
Hold your own with one hand and so meone
else's with the other
Conquer the ineluctable
blindfolded and standing in a bucket of pirana
783
Argue till you are black in the face (a coloured
Know the wisdom of refraining from action
Polish off a three-course breakfast at 30'clock
fish
Give a Royal Command Performance of Gavin
784
issue?)
Talk to a brick wall
in the afternoon
Bryar's ~'Serenely beaming and leaning on a
785
Ask a ticket machine for your money back
Leap before you look
fivebar gate"
786
Begin hesitantly, continue nervously, expound
Leak before you loop
Loop before you leak
Clean your teeth with a universal spanner
Knock your friends down with a feather
Swing a cat
750
751
752
753
754
Swing a Blue Whale
Turn topsy-turvy
Don't come that one
Knit your brows so that they keep your eyelids
warm in winter
Perform "175" with your head tueked underneath your arms
at great length and end in a blaze of glory
787
788
789
790
791
Finger pie
Suddenly become lop-sided
Grow on trees
Vse your loaf
"You 're no fun anymore" - illustrate with
special referenee to Egyptian masochism in the
837
Force a lock
884
Relive
thineenth century B C
838
(Gabriel) Faure's a joUy good fellow
885
Relicve
"Let's all sing like the birdics sing,
839
File a camp/aint
886
Rdearn; 886a lknrc
twit, twir, twitl twit·twoo"
840
File a lawsuit
887
Retain
793
"Be still and know"
841
Fall down a disused weil
888
Reverberate
794
cau tbe whoi'; thing off
842
Draw up your plans
889
Recogoise
795
Leave your visiting card at a house of ill-repute
843
"Bless your beautiful hide"
890
Fil! your glass and keep on pollring
796
Be dishonesr when writing your memoirs
844
Draw up a chan
891
Wipe the dust off your mirror, taking the mitror
797
Visit. dying race
845
Cut it fine
798
RUIl in a dying race
846
Cut a fine Ilg<>rc
892
with it
Estimate your own esteem
799
Express the desire for a glass of half and half
847
Dash out
893
Break off an engagement
800
Stain your character
848
Dashin
894
Come in with tid~ and go out with the old yea ..
801
Remove a blot from your escutcheon
849
Deviate wondrously, and in bright colours and
895
Strike a dock for being slow
802
Lcap at an opponuniry
blinding flasbes
896
catch your brearh and preserve it for posteriry
803
Lift a cat from some bot bricks
Foam at the moutb
897
Decpen your affecnon
792
850
804
StraJlgers in tbe night
8S!
Drink a glass of water standing on your head
898
Deepen your understanding
80S
Feel the urge to be pessimistic
852
Give a damn
899
!)eepen your iniqui<y
806
807
Back a laser
Open an old wound
Seal a pledge
900
901
!)eepen your batred
Back a winner
853
854
808
Back a portrait of "La Gioconda" with an
8H
Rerleem a plcdge
902
Depress yourseif
hcretically obscene sonnet
856
Plcdge your suppon
903
Repress yourseif
809
810
Be pleased as puneh
857
Thauk you for your su ppon, l will wear it
always
904
90S
Peruse
811
Open someone eIsets letters
858
Fan into mi~se
906
Explete at your own proclivities
812
Walk thr.,., abreast, haekwards through a hedge
859
Issue astatement
907
Keck at goodness
813
Visit Hampton Coun Palace and be amazed
860
Tamper with the facts
908
Discourse raptously upon the advantagc: of
814
Flashback
861
Sing obscene words to the tune of Annie Laurie
81S
Openly dismiss your own congruity
862
Fall over b.ckwards
909
Ridicule consummately the binomiai theorem
816
Certify your own death
863
Even things out
910
Adore being a stoat
817
Certify your own insaniry
864
Justifyafaux pas
911
Fall for that old trick
818
"Take me hack to dear old Blighry"
86S
Empty the Pacific Ocean
912
Expel all outsiders
819
"Take me back to dear old Blighry"
866
Feelleft out
913
Defend a fallacy
820
821
822
Propose a toast
Be bereft
Have an inkling
Be detached at her Majesty's Pleasure
914
915
916
Feign a heart attack
Eat some toast
867
868
869
823
Toast the most
870
Send a letter to a person of no fixed abode
917
Everybody's laughing, eve<ybody's happy
824
Question your own existence
871
Take a wife
918
Overemphasise a negative aspect
825
Question your right to live
872
·Take a hushand
919
Find a bassoonist who declined to opt for
826
Feel obliged
873
Take five
827
Mollify a mitigation
874
Take more than you need
920
Brendan Behan and his funn y machine
828
Emulate an albatross
875
Take as manyas you can carry
921
Not an inch of gro und beneath your feet, no
829
Remark yours faithfully
876
Untie the gordian knot. or not
830
:.Y._:>-? )1;:...';:' J-i -"'-~V,:I).
877
Become diffuse
922
831
Decipher "830"
Fly by night
Refract
923
Recalcitrant
924
925
Be rotten to the core
Drink ,a toast
>
Tailor a eoat of arms
Force an' erttry
835
Force a reply
882
Return
926
836
Force a: window
883
Revoke
927
929 Escape from a top sccurity set of parentheses 930 Deem
something worthless
931 Clap your hands and scarce the clouds away 932 Divert the
rain upwards by means of induction
Misquote a dumb show
tile abovc your he-ad
833
834
928 Caricaturc your distress at 1I~)27n
Inven! some lucid details
medicine
Reflect
Recumbent
Covet thy neighbour's wifelhusband
being a vole
878
879
880
881
832
Bang like a door in a gal<
Fill in some bad form
Open a debate on violenee using a crowbar and
a thermic lance
Reveal your true identity
Shake hands with the wife's best friend
Bid your "alter ego" goodbye
Come across one of your ancestors while digging in
avegetahle patch
951 Expect something to turn up and be dumfounded when it
does
977 Playa one-armed bandit until you 're empty 978 Burn all
your works
952 Complain of unjust medical treatment 953 Raise your
hands and lower your feet
979 Work all your burns
980 Pick up fag butts in Claridges and smoke the m there
954 Visit the Vicar of Bray riding on a donkey 955 eut your
toenails with a pair of tonsils 956 Pluck your eyebraws
imitatively
981 Blow up a storm
957 Widen the straight and narrow
982 Give up all your principles 983 Come dancing
958 Be up to mueh
984 Talk aboiIt George Brecht 985 Gossip
959 Be up to no good
986 Eat a rat sandwich
960 Be up and aboU!
987 Sing the signature tune of Billy Bean and his Funny
Maehine
and/or statie electricity
933 Feed the one thousand and make the m pay through
the nose
934 Circumnavigate a magnum of Bell's Blended Scotch
Whisky
935 Walk the river Thames, underwater 936 Hijack a fire
engine to Cuba
961 Be above suspicion
937 Consist of three things
988 Drink a bottIe of whisky a day
962 Be below suspicion
989 Call a whisky-drinking trapper a liar 990 Eat baked beans
on toast
938 Find a way in a manger
939 Back the first three horses, a) of the Derby,
963 Suspend judgement from the a) Forth Road, b) Forth
Railway Bridge, c) Clifton Suspension llridgc, d) Tower Bridge
964 Open a river bank aceount 965 Ilurn your wages
991 Staceato fart
b) of the Grand National, c) of the Miss World Contest
966 Buy yourself a box of ehoeolates and eat the m all up
940 Growa beard and moustaehe; then shave away:i) the
right side of the moustaehe and the left side of the beard.
alternatively ii) the left side of the moustache and the right side
of the heard. i) and ii) may be executed in any order and in any
combination
992 Hire the Wigmore Hall and give a solo can cert 993 Whistle
in the presenee of a lady
967 Drink a yard of ale in 38 seconds
994 Kill a commie for Christ
968 Change TV channels 20 times in one hour 969 Keep a stiff
lower lip
995 Vote conservative
970 Bite upper lip
996 Don 't get political
971 Fuek for the PTO
997 Give a little whistle
972 Put your hair up
998 Seream hysterieally
973 Form a housing association 974 Light a candle for St
Ceeelia 975 Xerox yourself
999 Phone the police, ambulanee, or fire brigade 1000 Piek
your nose and save(our) the snot
976 Playa one-armed bandit until lt's empty
1001 'Ave a eoop o' tea
941 Exasperate yourself
942 Be surprised at your awn stupidity 943 Be surprised at
your own eupidity 944 Be ashamed at your own du pli city 945
Take part
946 Take part without asking 947 Compromise a polecat 948
Be Frank
949 Be Rosie
950 Be yourself
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