Is Your Binder Reminder
Making You Fat? Me too.
Earth Week Festivities Canceled
for Lockdown Festivities
“Howʼs That Lockdown Thing?”
Asks Deasy from San Diego
This is a “joke” issue. For
more jokes, please see
Dr. Straus at The ACME
Comedy Club next Thurs.
Man, sheʼs funny.
Circumscribed: Using compass
On the Internet:
www.sparknotes.com/greatgatsby
Vol. demort Sugar No. Cream, Nov. 12, 1955 (Hint: 88 mph)
Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf Added As Seventh House
Published Transexually
News Briefs
New Vending Machine Option: Filet Mignon
in Wine Sauce with Fingerling Potatoes
By Hannah Leper
Students congregate in front of the new Coffee Bean House (left); the inside of the refurbished CB
House.
By Hannah Leper
The Santa Monica Malibu Uniﬁed School District (SMMUSD), the
Santa Monica School Board, and
Samo’s Site Governance Comittee
announced Apr. 5 that The Coffee
Bean & Tea Leaf would become the
seventh SAMOHI House.
According to the the proposal,
“the addition of the new house,”
tentatively nicknamed CB House,
“would lead to higher standardized test scores, more individual
student attention, a more organized administrative system, and
more free samples of the sevenlayer bars for every student.”
For as long as many Samo faculty can remember, students have
been ﬂocking to Coffee Bean before
and after school, during lunch, and
instead of going to 1st period.
As a full-ﬂedged house, however, Coffee Bean will now be
home to a house principal and two
advisers. “Coffee Bean has a lot to
offer students,” said CEO/ Principal Ilene Straus. “Plus, now I get to
be CEO of a Fortune 500 company
too!” (Please see “Coffee Bean
Photos by Marty McFly
Stock Drops 12%,” page. 4).
Because of the already exisitng
infrastructure, The Coffee Bean will
immediatly be open to its students,
offering chocolate croissants, pink
cards, and readmits.
Like many of Samo’s other
small school’s, though, CB House
has already had to deal with
overcrowding problems. Lines of
students ﬂow out of its doors, and
students have complained about
having to wait twenty minutes just
to get their bagel toasted or to meet
with Valerie, the manager, about
clearing their obligations. “It’s just
that there are so many students in
CB House at all times. It makes
it really hard for me to see my
adviser because she’s the one that
makes the challah on Fridays,” said
sophomore Rachel Brown.
Originally, The Coffee Bean
planned in 2002 to split its store
into six small Coffee Beans, in order
to better serve Samo students. An
independent analysis completed
in 2004, however, determined that
a reorganization would be costly,
actually create more red tape, and
ultimately, Coffee Bean would still
have the same products to serve to
its customers. It was at this point
that SMMUSD proposed adding
Coffee Bean to Samo.
Students have mixed reactions
to the addition. Junior Katie Morgan, a CB House student, said,
“My adviser at Coffee Bean never
spells my name right on the cup.
One time he even wrote ‘Carla.’
That’s just not my name! He better
not mess up when he makes my
schedule for next year, because I
am so not taking Physics.”
Samo faculty have also had
various reactions to CB House.
French Teacher Karen Korvin, who
was transfered to CB House, is reluctant to work behind the counter:
“I’m most irked that I have to wear
that visor and an employee tag...
oh wait, i already have to wear a
employee tag.”
CB House Principal Craig
Lewis, however, seems inspired
by his transfer into CB House. “I
will continue to be an active participant in students’ lives, as well
as a vibrant and emotive force on
campus,” he said, cocking his head
slightly to the left.
Senior Applies, Rejected From Harvard-Westlake
dorms, great professors, and that
Bill Gates went there for a while.
I guess they meant Harvard UniOn Apr. 1, senior Kendra Jones
versity, not Harvard-Westlake...I
received the dreaded rejection letalso heard something about a reter from the college of her choice:
ally good political science departHarvard-Westlake Upper School,
ment at Harvard Westlake, but I
located in North Hollywood.
guess that was Harvard, too.”
Jones ﬁrst learned about HarJones was hoping to “at least
vard-Westlake at Samo’s College
get wait listed,” but HarvardFair in October, where she met
Westlake declinedto offer her a
former Harvard-Westlake stuspot. “My rejection letter said that
dent and current Columbia Unithey were sorry
versity representato bring me distive Kris Jackson.
appointing news,
“He told me that
but that this year
he really loves the
I was up against
journalism deptarta record number
ment at Columbia,”
of seventh gradJones said, “but all
ers who were also
I wanted to hear
applying. 5,000 in
about was his expetotal.”
rience at HarvardJones’ College
Westlake...I wonder
Counselor Clara
why he transferred,
Beard was hesitant
since U.S. News &
to discuss students
World Report lists
on an individual
Harvard-Westlake
basis,
but said of
The
Harvard-Westlake
campus
that
Jones
hoped
to
attend
above Columbia in
Jones: “I know that
terms of Ivy League next year.
Harvard Westlake
schools... ”
is a really good
When Jones
Photo By Victoria Toumanoff
school but it was
turned in her appli-
By Caribou on the Run
cation in January, she reasoned
that “all [her] friends were applying to Ivy League schools, and
I felt pressured to do the same.”
Jones also said she was attracted
by Harvard-Westlake’s faculty
and prestige. “All around the
world, people know the name
Harvard-Westlake,” said Jones.
In her essayJones recalled
someone telling her that “Harvard-Westlake has really nice
Samo administration, in conjunction with Project ECHO, announced
a new vending machine option this week, in order to stimulate student
interest in more reﬁned culinary tastes. As of Tuesday, students can
purchase ﬁlet mignon in wine sauce with a side of rosemary ﬁngerling
potatoes in the third vending machine from the left in the Science Quad.
It will cost $38.50.
Students have had mixed reactions to this unexpected change
in vending machine fare. Sophomore Daniel New was one of a few
pleasantly surprised students. “I went to the vending machines after
second period to get some Flamin’ Hot Cheetos,” said New, “when I
looked up and I saw a bunch of meat and potatoes in the top row. So
I pushed A4 on a whim and all of this meat and sauce fell out onto
the ground. Then all these ﬁngerling potatoes came ﬂying at me, and
they smelled real good, so I just picked them up and started eating. I
mean, I really like French food so this new vending machine option is
a deﬁnite plus.”
Other students, though, found the ﬁlet mignon to be unnecessary.
Junior Michelle Alvarez said, “The ﬁlet mignon with ﬁngerling potatoes
makes no sense. It costs forty dollars and the vending machines only
take quarters. And it’s just really annoying because the Wine sauce gets
all over my Nature’s Valley Granola Bars. It’s so gross.”
Songs Decides to Wear Sexy Uniform
Every Day
By Sugaree
Samohi Songs, in a unanimous decision made Mar.10, voted to wear
their booty shorts, ankley socks, and baseball shirts every day for the
rest of the school year.
“We were just sick and tired of only wearing our booty shorts outﬁt
during the Pep Rallies,” said junior Tobin Watenmaker. “I mean I guess
we wear booty shorts during [cheer] practice, but everyone wears different booty shorts. So now we’ll all be wearing the same booty shorts
every day. Then we’ll all walk around in a big group and if anyone even
says anything to us, I swear to god we’ll @&(*ing @$#$% them.”
A ﬁnal vote on whether or not to get Hanna Mark back on the team
is still pending.
SophomoreThinks That if Those Around
him Could Hear the Indie Music Playing
on His iPod, He Would Be Cool
By Althea
Sophomore David Kaufman, while passing a group of pseudobohemian intellectual juniors that he idolizes in the History Building
breezeway, realized that if only the people around him could hear the
Bright Eyes song playing on his iPod, he would be cool.
Later that day, Kaufman, a lanky 15 year old wearing unusually small
women’s jeans and a tiny black vintage tee, found himself walking alone
to his locker at lunch. Just as he passed the water fountain, his iPod,
which had been set on “shufﬂe,” began to play a song by his favorite
quasi-literary, aggressively-melodic, underground band, Songs Ohia.
“God, if only other people could listen to this awesome music that’s
playing on my iPod right now,” thought Kaufman. “Also, I wish they
would look at the pictures of me on my Livejournal, smoking a cigarette
while sitting on the ﬂoor with smeared lipstick and a lace dress on; then
I would be so cool.”
a reach for her. You need to have
back ups, like the Cal States.”
Jone’s Marine Biology Teacher
Mark Black was not surprised to
hear of Jones’s rejection letter:
“When she asked me to write
her a letter of reccomendation
for Harvard-Westlake I told her
that I thought it would be in her
best interest to apply to a college
instead of another high school,
but I guess I didn’t really get
through to her.
“I think it’s an unrecognized
problem at this school; the number of kids who apply to neighboring private schools thinking
that just because they have small
class sizes and clean bathrooms
that they are institutions of higher
learning.”
By her own calculations, Jones
spent an approximate 598 hours
looking for scholarships, doing
community service, and writing
her college essays, which her
mother Laura Jones calls “wellwritten and insightful masterpieces.”
The younger Jones is still
waiting to hear from her safety
school, a private, all girls institution called Marlborough.
Reflecting upon the experience, all Jones could seem to recall
was the letter of rejection. Hysterical, Jones reiterated its contents: “We regret to inform you
that your application has been
denied from Harvard-Westlake,
due to the fact that our school is
not a college, you idiot.”
Horoscopes—Page 2 The Operation Iraqi Feedom-ohi April 1, 2005
Pro/Con: Does Geometry Deserve This Harsh Ridicule?
By Discovering Geometry, Ed. II
By Jason Weinstein
Geometry, I hate you! You are so ridiculous. All we do in your class is draw random
circles and triangles on patty paper. And no, patty paper is not for drawing circles, it is
for slices of dead animals. Anyone who likes Geometry is a total loser/nerd.
For example, there’s this kid in my Geometry class and his name is Patrick and he
told me that he inscribed his water bottle inside of his mailbox. And I was like, “What
the hell are you talking about Patrick? Get away from me before I show you the line
segment from my ﬁst to your eye.”
And then I got a freaking 62 percent on the
I’ve been using my
stupid proofs quiz. How am I supposed to know
why those two triangles are congruent? And more Discovering Geometry
importantly why should I care? Mr. Rupprecht told
textbook as a doorstop
us that Geometry relates to almost every single
ﬁeld of work. That is such a load. How about if I and sometimes to eat
want to be an “anti-Geometry specialist” when I off of when the kitchen
grow up, and my job will be to never do anything
If
that has anything to do with Geometry? What then table is missing.
Mr. Rupprecht?
I ever see one more
Then we had to take the volume of the leaning
Tower of Pisa for homework last night. SO BOR- protractor in my life I
ING! Let me tell you. Way to crush my intellectual will vomit.
curiosity, Geometry! Now I never even want to
think about anything Italian again.
Geometry is soooo annoying. I’m not going to do my Geometry homework now or
ever. I’ve been using my Discovering Geometry textbook as a doorstop and sometimes
to eat off of when the kitchen table is missing. If I ever see one more protractor in my
life I will vomit.
I mean, I may only be fourteen, but in my personal opinion, the Golden Ratio doesn’t
even exist. Geometry is just a conspiracy designed by the government to make all of us
into these spiritless, homogenous, robot-children in some ultra-sanitized, technologically perfect, grid paper, quasi-world.
Hey, listen… I don’t really understand where all of this hostility is coming from. I
am simply a speciﬁc discipline of mathematics and nothing more. I want you to learn
about me, about my equilateral triangles, and Euler’s line, and the things that make me,
well…me.
I energize your geometry classroom, making you an active participant in your own
learning, even if you’re too obsessed with doing kickﬂips on your ﬁngerboard to notice. I
allow you to explore geometric relationships with a
wide variety of tools, including compasses, computI e n e r g i z e y o u r ers,
and graphing calculators. With me, you don’t
geometry classroom, just memorize rules and deﬁnitions; you actually
constructions, measure ﬁgures, observe
making you an active perform
patterns, discuss your feelings...I mean ﬁndings,
participant in your write your own deﬁnitions, and formulate your
own learning, even if own geometric conjectures…oh wait, you’re too
busy being a Socialist to realize how lucky you are.
you’re too obsessed They used to burn me in early 20th century Russian
with doing kickﬂips villages. But look at me now, Jason, I’m ok. I made
it after all!
on your ﬁngerboard
Also, I’m ﬁlled with appealing graphics and
writing, as well as great real-world examples
lively
to notice.
from many cultures and disciplines. See Jason,
you said geometry was useless. Oh how wrong
you were!
Jason, I want you to become a self-motivated, independent thinker. My goal is to
transform your geometry experience into an exciting forum ﬁlled with energized problem-solvers.
But, at the rate you are going, I really doubt that will happen. You’ll probably end up
at some second-rate liberal arts school that doesn’t even teach math. But me, I will live
on forever, rotting away page by page in the dark, cavernous textbook ofﬁce of Samo.
So lonely…
Campus Voices:Why You New Summer Reading Book Choosen
Mad-Dogging Me, Fool? By Phalice Ollstein
shouted English teacher Tisha
Reichle at a meeting. “We should
be letting the Native American
Compiled By Jon Oulet
Yo, I saw you by the basketball courts giving me the stink eye man.
You look like you got beef. I don’t even know what the deal is. No, I
wasn’t looking at your girl. She was talking to me, shoot. I can’t help
it if I’m just ﬂy and I smell nice, yo. I think you’re just jeeelous because
I got me these new customized Air Force Ones. Why you mad-dogging me, fool?
No, Sir, I was not “mad-dogging you.” What may appear to be
mad-dogging is actually just my
inability to smile, as I was born
without human cheek muscles.
- Ben Miller, freshman
This program, designed to alleviate the problems of the Great
Depression, became known as
the New Deal, a phrase from a
campaign speech in which Roosevelt had promised a “new deal
for the American people.”
-America Past and Present,
© 1996
I’m sorry, I really have to get to
Honors Bio. I’ve never been to the
Basketball Courts. (Sobs.)
-Carmen de la Cruz, freshman
Get to class. There’s going to
be a tardy sweep. Maybe...
-Al Trundle, S-House Adviser
throwing away the key!”
Finally, Jago stumbled upon
Safe Harbour. “What a treasure we
unearthed when we discovered
[the book],” said English Teacher
Christina Nation. “It ﬁts in perfectly in my ‘Outcasts of Society
Overcoming Racial, Physical,
Sexual-Orientational and Emotional Obstacles’ unit.”
Active parent and avid
Samohi-PALS contributor Rick
Brown applauded the teachers’
ﬁnal decision as well: “The story
of Pam Qxainglp uplifts and
inspires. The dream sequence
where she imagines herself as
Lucretia Mott, making love to
Elizabeth Cady Stanton, is sensual, not sexual. Steele really
strikes that balance.”
In the fall, students will
participate in a number of
pre-planned activities about
Safe Harbour, culminating in a
timed-writing.
In a related story, the girl in
your English class who actaully
read the book will, sigh, let you
copy of her test, she guesses.
After months of debate, English Teacher and Summer
Reading Committee Chair
Carol Jago announced that
this summer’s school-wide
reading book will be Safe
Harbour, Steel’s story of a
half African American, half
Filipino, wheelchair bound, lesbian young woman who battles
her way through the pitfalls
of high school to become the
president of the United States,
an WNBA star, and the next
American Idol.
The book was carefully
chosen this year, after last
year’s controversy surrounding the selection of Michael
Dorris’ A Yellow Raft on Blue
Water. Many parents were
concerned about that book
because of its racy language,
the fact that Dorris committed suicide, and allegations
that he sexually abused his
children.
The new summer reading book, which
It was a long road to select
features 37% more overcoming of
a book containing no contro“Flabergasted,” cont.
versial content and an author obstacles.
from page 1
with a spotless record.
Now it’s up to Lee to stop
Last December, English
Photo Courtesy amazon.com
the renegade shapeshifter
Teacher Pete Barraza sugwho is plotting to control
gested Hop on Pop by Dr. Seuss, say- population out of the cupboard, not
the information technology.
ing that “it really reminded [him] of locking them into stereotypes and
the good ol’ days of youth.”
This suggestion, though initially popular, was quickly shot
down after it was mentioned
on Samohi-PALS, a parent-run
Substances
internet group. In a posting on
Editor-in-Chief..............The Aviator
its website, Parent Maria Karben
$20.00 PER NIGHT
Managing Editor.........CEO Strauss
wrote, “The violent, sexual, and
Published triweekly by the ladies
News Editor........Sammy J Cook Off
even incestual implications of the
they love me, from the bleachers they
Opinion Editors........AddyBoBaddy
screamin All the ballers is bouncin
book upset me...We shouldn’t be
Hannah Lepper
they like the way I be leanin All the
teaching children to hop on their
Feature Editor................Kick It To 3
rappers be hatin, off the track that Iʼm
Pop or anyone else.”
Special Report Editor.....Annie Anus
makin But all the hustlers they love it
Another suggestion, accordjust to see one of us make it.
Campus Life Editor........................S2
ing to Jago, was The Indian in the
Sports Editors.........Calanit Is HOT!
Staff
Cupboard by Lynne Reid Banks,
Zahereʼs My Alibhai, Nick Barﬂy,
Wade Moodswings
Lauren Berkman Mark II, Michael
lauded for its depiction of the tough
Photo Editor...............Emily Pharrel
Afroman, Lincoln Bohemian, Will Top
choices a young boy makes as he
Ad Editor...........Caribou on the Run
Ramen, Peter seX, Emily Foshags A
comes of age.
Lot, Max Keeble, Jack Kass, David
Copy Editors..........Elija Blacksmith,
Kim Bassinger, Sanyu Not-Again-A!,
Jago especially liked this selecNicola Pursethief, 8 MinCarl Nunnery, Phalice Ollstein, The
tion because of “the lack of coming
ute Abbott
Chronicles of Rinnig, Jeremy RosyCheeks, Marissa Goldman, My Gucci
Art Editor...................Sara Stir Frier
of age related stories in our curRibbon, JoJo Was A Man...,Student
F.A.I.R. Editor...........Jesus H. Christ
riculum.”
of the Month, Charoletteʼs Weber,
Adviser.................I-House Loves You
Nicole Right
Others were not as enthused:
“This book is preposterous!”
A survey conducted by The Samohi in January showed that only 12% of students read the school
newspaper regularly. To attract a larger student readership, weʼve decided to change our format
a little. Hereʼs a preview of what the next full issue of The Samohi will look like...
REAL LIVE TITANIC !! Found in Deep
End of Drake Pool; No Word on Survivors
LOO
K
Amazing
Photos
Inside!
Exp
Ra o sé:
i
of sed B Thun
Cri
cke y Fam
ts
il
y
Male Cheerleaders Caught Without Makeup!!
page 5
Human Finger
Found In Vikes
Cafe Tater-Tots
HOT T.A. OF THE MONTH
• Condoleezza Rice
Joins Faculty.....pg. 2
• Skaters Transfer Back
to Lincoln in Quest to
be Cool Again...pg. 6
Exclusive
Story, pg. 3
r
e
g
n
ﬁ
a
’s !”
e
r
e
“Th y tots
in m
This Issue:
• This Article Blocked.
Type: Violence...pg.2
• Dean Cain Went
Here...pgs. 11-12, 15-19
pg. 9
Coming May 2005 !
Carrots
Spanish One Student
Ruins Lunchtime for All
“¡Me Gusta Capri Sun!” Declares
Ignorant Freshman
By Nicole Right
Five time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong, who lives inside security guard Don
Magnumʼs imagination, helps to patrol the science quad during 2nd period.
Photo by Emily Pharrel
Ask The Sophomore Girl Who’s Obsessed With
Getting Into College
he’s really mad. Plus, the P-SAT’s
are in a month and I haven’t even
started studying! I swear to God,
if my grade drops any lower in
this class, I will literally have an
A minus. I’m never getting into
Williams!
By A Sophomore Girl Whoʼs
Obsessed With Getting Into
College
Dear Sophomore Girl Whoʼs
Obsessed with College,
I just broke up with my boyfriend of two months, and although
I’m glad to be done with him, I
became especially close with two
of his guy friends. I’d still like to
hang out with them. Is that appropriate, or will hanging with them
be awkward now that me and my
boyfriend broke up?
Lonely Lover, junior
Dear Lonely Lover,
Oh my god! Did you get the
extra-credit question on number
40 from 5.3? I didn’t get it and I’m
totally freaking out. I was up until
5:30 a.m. and I only got two hours
of sleep. I woke up my tutor and
Dear Sophomore Girl Whoʼs
Obsessed with College,
I am a freshman at Samo and I
have a problem. Everyone always
refers to me as “Carl’s little brother.” Carl is very smart, popular, and
athletic, which I’m not, and it seems
that no one remembers my name.
Even some of my teachers have
taken to calling me that. Any suggestions for what I should do?
Need a New Name, freshman
Dear Need a New Name,
Hey Carl, did you start writing
your college essay? Only two more
years to do it! Here, do you want
to read mine? “There are many
experiences that can teach a person
how to see life in a new way. For
me it wasn’t volunteering at Cedars
Sinai, saving homeless dogs, or
working in my dad’s science lab
helping to map the human genome.
What realIy changed my perspective was reading J.D. Salinger’s
Catcher in the Rye this year. Like
Holden, I too have realized some of
my own ignorance, which I sought
to wipe away through my work at
Junior Blind, where I read to blind
kids. As I move on to college, I
hope to be the same as Holden,
but without the depression and
the underachieving.
And that is why I want to attend
Williams College.”
Dear Sophomore Girl Whoʼs
Obsessed with College,
Every summer my family rents
a condo in Mammoth, and this year
my parents said I could bring two
friends. I have four really close
friends, so there’s no right way to
go about inviting people. Should I
explain the situation to my friends,
or just not invite anyone?
Unsure Student, senior
Dear Unsure Student,
How many extra-curriculars do you
have? Four?! That is so good, Melissa. Youʼll totally get into UCLA. I
know because I was on their website
for like an hour last night before my
Clarinet lesson. Hey, did you think
the Biology test was hard? Sheila
got 100 percent, and thatʼs why there
was no curve. I know, I hate her! My
life is ruined. I might as well ﬂush
my transcript down the toilet.
Secret Ingredient in Otis Spunkmeyer Cookies
Found to Be Magic Fairy Dust From Heaven
By Hannah Leper
day before school to hand craft the
cookies themselves.”
The researchers found that
A study conducted by Johns
the angels ﬂy
Hopkins Univerdown to Samo
sity released Monwith bags of
day found that
Magical Fairy
the cause for the
Dust, which
extreme level of
are provided
scrumptiousness
by St. Peter,
in Otis Spunkmeywho guards
er cookies can be
the gates of
traced back to one
Heaven. Besecret ingredient:
tween 8 and
Magical Fairy Dust
8:15 a.m.,
imported directly
the Angels
from Heaven.
individually
Accordingtothe
hand-craft
study, “[B]eautiful
each cookie,
angels come down The divine cookie.
first mixing
from Heaven every
Photo by Lucy
together the
Tuesday and Thurs-
dry ingredients, then the eggs and
milk, and ﬁnally baking them for
7 to ten minutes, until they are
golden brown.
When the cookies are done, the
Angels take them out of the oven,
and sprinkle each cookie with a
pinch of Magical Fairy Dust before
allowing them to cool.
The study also attempted to
answer the age-old question:
Who is Otis Spunkmeyer? “Otis
Spunkmeyer may not be someone you can see...but he’s there,
an ephervescent presence,” said
UCSD Religious Studies Professor
Murray Jenkins.
“He watches over us all of the
time, surrounding us with his
love, and his warm, chocolate-y
baked goods.”
mustard.
Those around him responded
Freshman and Spanish 1 stu- to this outburst with facial expresdent Jordan Thurber ruined lunch sions that bordered on surprise and
time on Tuesday, Mar. 15 for the disgust. Blatantly unaware of his
eight other freshmen who normally friends’ reactions, Thurber contineat lunch with him under a tree ued speaking in Spanish, saying
“¡Yo soy muy intelinext to the band
gente!” and “¡Me
room. The group
gusta Capri Sun!”
found Thurber ’s
which translated
vain attempts to
to English means,
master the Spanish
“I am very smart,”
language outside of
and “I like Capri
the classroom painSun,” respectively.
ful, annoying, and in
(Source: freetranslapoor mastery of the
tion.com)
subjunctive form.
This continued
During fourth
for several minutes
period on Mar. 15,
before Thurber ’s
Thurber ’s Spanbest friend, Freshish class spent 45
man and Latin 1
minutes reviewing
student David Golda homework asThurberʼs Spanish
berg, interjected on
signment in which
behalf of everyone
students had to con- textbook.
around him.
struct a phrase using
“Shut up, Jordan!
“Me gusta + Inﬁnitve
Verb.” Each student had to com- Even people who have never taken
a Spanish class know how to say
pose twenty different sentences.
According to Thurber, who the stuff you’re saying. God, you’re
dumb,” Goldberg
won the Attendance
said, as he angrily
Award at Lincoln
cleaned his flute,
Middle School and is
piece by piece.
known for wearing
Thurber, tried
three to four calcuto find the right
lator watches on his
words for “no way”
left arm, he decided
in Spanish, but got
that “lunch would
stuck after “no.”
be the perfect time
He then proceeded
to share my newto argue in Engfound knowledge
lish with Goldberg
of Spanish with my
for several more
friends.”
minutes, trying to
Thurber began
convince his friend
his voluntary disthat he does, in fact,
cussion of food in
know much more
Spanish, otherwise
Spanish than would
known as showing
a person who has
off, less than two Spanish One student
never taken a Spanminutes after the
Jordan Thurber enjoys
ish class.
lunch bell rang. “¡Me
What followed
gusta el sandwich!” his “sandwích de pavo.”
was an awkward
remarked Thurber,
taking the ﬁrst bite of Photo by Wesley Krieger s i l e n c e , d u r i n g
which the two freshwhat appeared to be
man girls seated to
a turkey and Swiss
cheese sandwich, which Thurber’s Thurber’s left excused themselves
mother had coated liberally with to go buy Gatorades.
Yearbook To Cost Your Soul
By The Aviator and PhAlice
Ollstein
According to an investigative
report completed by The Samochai, the price of the 2005 Nautilus
yearbook prices have risen so high
that even North of Montana (NOM)
students cannot afford them.
Yearbook adviser Carol Jago
said, “The yearbook staff realized
that it couldn’t sell a single yearbook at its current price, so they
decided to change the price to
something Samo students would
be more willing to give up: their
souls.”
In between playing cards, ordering pizza, applying makeup and
“selling yearbooks” the yearbook
editorial board reviewed many
different options for a new price.
At ﬁrst, the yearbook staff voted
to keep the price at its current price
and offer need and merit-based
scholarships to those who could
not pay.
Yearbook received hundreds of
scholarship applications though,
and the staff was overwhelmed.
“We would have had to start
dipping into our Bay Cities fund,”
said senior and co Editor-in-Chief
Melissa Silvers. “And we are, like,
not willing to do that.”
Some students are upset about
the new price. “I’m kind of worried
about being a hallowed out shell of
a man,” said senior Jake Latner. “But
I really want to ﬁnd out what the
theme is! I bet it’s Pirates again.”
Jago, however, is “excited”
about the new pricing plan, as
is senior and co Editor-in-Chief
Azadeh Sinai: “With all the souls
we’ll be getting, we can increase our
bargaining with Satan to an all time
high, and ﬁnally be able to purchase
ten new digital cameras and some
mad kickball skills,” said Sinai.