Getting through, together Everywhere we turn now we can see the message that ‘All kids need routines’ This is very true. For families that have been through change or trauma the re-establishing of everyday routines is really important for creating a sense of normality. “Make an aim of hugging your children four, five, or more times a day.” Working on regular meal times and bed times reinforces for children that life continues despite disruptions. However, for kids to grow and thrive through the sort of disasters we have been through there’s a few extra things that can be done to provide support and encouragement. Children can cope better with disasters when they know they are loved and supported by those closest to them, it’s what the experts call ‘building resilience.’ We can help children know they are loved and that they can trust those closest to them through a few simple practices. The first thing that could really help your family is lots of hugs and affection. Make an aim of hugging your children four, five, or more times a day. Tell them that you think they are great as you do it. Sit down together with a book or puzzle and stay physically connected as you read or play together. Conversations about things like earthquakes that may create feelings of anxiety in children are best done when parents and children are physically connected. When parents and children are in contact through things like brushing hair, bath time, or hugs, Oxytocin (a feel-good hormone) is released in both parent and child. You can encourage resilience in your children by creating a scrapbook all about them. Print off photos, cut out pictures from magazines, and draw together. Create pages that show things like ‘favourites,’ but also ‘fun memories,’ and especially ‘people who love me.’ Look at and read the scrapbook often together to encourage your child to remember all the people who care about them. For much older children consider writing them a note to leave on their pillow at night to tell them that you think they are incredible (even when you’re not so sure!). Tell them one thing you really appreciated that they did that day. Another thing you can do to encourage your children is to consider creating a few new routines. Here’s a few suggestions to develop closeness and resilience: Suggestion one Eat your evening meals together, around a table, with tvs and cell phones turned off. Studies have shown that children who eat around a table with their families five times a week or more are more resilient than other children and are likely to be happier and healthier. Research has even shown that they are less likely to smoke, drink or use drugs in adolescence and they are more likely to get higher grades in school, have stronger friendships, and better relationships with their parents – all from eating together around a table! Things to do around the table: Once you are around the table say grace. As well as thanking God for the meal you are about to eat, ask everyone to think of one or two things they are thankful for from that day. If someone’s had a hard day this can be difficult but looking for one positive thing in each day can help us through tough times. Let different members of the family say grace and thank God for all the good things that have happened that day, but don’t force someone to say grace that isn’t keen. While you are eating, use the time to talk. “Children who eat around a table with their families five times a week or more are more resilient than other children and are likely to be happier and healthier.” Think of open ended questions for your kids, questions that will have them say more than ‘yes’ or ‘no’ as their answer. Some examples of open ended questions are: What do you think makes a good teacher? If you could redesign your whole school, what would it look like? Tell me about something I didn’t know you did last week. Asking a child about their earliest memory or to name some favourite things they remember from preschool can also lead to great conversations. Parents can tell their children what they were like as babies and toddlers and funny stories of things they did when they were very young. As you get used to talking together you can start introducing deeper questions such as: What was the best thing about your day and what was the hardest thing about your day? If children aren’t used to listening to each other the last question can be difficult and children may not feel comfortable sharing, again, don’t force it. Suggestion two Have a family activity that you do together once a week. Doing something extra together as a family, or with another family, is also a great way to build strong relationships and encourage resilient kids. Getting out of the house is a good idea. You don’t have to do something extravagant; the aim is just to be together. Make a regular time each week, like a Saturday or Sunday afternoon and stick to it. Try walking somewhere to feed some ducks, or walk around a few blocks counting the different colour letterboxes or houses or cars as you go. Look out for people to say hello to as you walk. Go to the park to kick a ball around, fly a kite or throw a Frisbee. Take a trip to the Port Hills, the Botanic Gardens, Deans Bush, the new lake at Pegasus, or the beach. Even in winter these trips can be good. If it’s pouring with rain try doing a jigsaw together, or playing a board game, or a game of + FAMILY FUN TIP Consider having a family movie night once a week, some classic family movies include: The Princess Bride, Charlotte’s Web, ET, The Labyrinth, The Wizard of Oz, Babe: The Gallant Pig, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Fantasia, Superman, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Suggestion three Read together Now’s a good time to be purposeful in the sorts of books you read to children. Find books that convey that you love them. HELPING KIDS GET THROUGH “Find books that convey that you love them.” Favourites like: ‘Guess How Much I Love You’ by Sam McBratney, ‘No Matter What’ by Debi Gliori, and ‘You are Special’ by Max Lucado remind children that they are valued. For very young children you can make a routine of reading the same story every night to remind them that you care about them. + READING TIP For older children consider reading aloud a chapter book about young people growing up. Books like the ‘Narnia’ series, ‘The Hobbit’ or ‘A Wrinkle in Time’ are all great coming of age tales that are as good to listen to as to read alone. For Christian families, read the bible together to remind yourselves that God loves you and cares about you. The Beginners Bible is excellent for very young children while the Day By Day Kids Bible by Karyn Henley is great for older children to have read to or take turns to read. Starting new routines can be difficult at first but if you talk to the whole family and explain why things are changing everyone can take responsibility for making it happen. It’s important to remember that no families are perfect and it may feel like it’s hard work being together at times. It can be easier to do activities together if you have realistic expectations. If your family doesn’t usually do much together you may find your kids fight at first. Don’t stress, focus instead on the good moments, even if they’re fleeting, and trust that, over time, things will improve. Keep your eyes on the big picture. The important thing is spending time together as a family. After a while it will feel like you’ve been doing your new routines forever and you’ll notice it more and even miss it when you don’t do it. + STILL ANXIOUS? If you have a child that is particularly anxious there are a few things you can do to help them feel more in control. Put together their own emergency backpack with a torch, snacks, bottle of water, toy, and book. This will help take away a worried child’s sense of helplessness. As a family practice together that you will do in emergency situations like a fire or earthquake. Talk about where a good place to ‘drop, cover and hold’ would be in each room of the house. + PARENTS GUIDE