COTSWOLD BOWLS CLUB NEWSLETTER
Issue Two 2015
Well here we go again …… Your newsletter for the spring starts here. It’s been an excellent winter season with many good bowls
games played. It just goes to show how good some of our players are when we see the results below, so, CONGRATULATIONS to
Dave Howes & Neil Chandlers on reaching the National Pairs Finals. To, John Heathcote & Wilf Sutherst on reaching the Over 60’s
National Pairs Finals. Two teams, John Heathcote, Wilf Sutherst, Tom Griffiths & John Tombs. Then, Tim Webb, Eddie Brain, Martin
Wilks & Keith Hinder on reaching the over 60’s Interclub Double Rink Semi Finals. All these matches to be played at the end March,
beginning April. We wish them good luck.
In a very different way we had another success for our Club. On Tuesday 10th February a double decker coach arrived in the
carpark. A team from Cambridge who were on a tour arranged to visit our Club and play a friendly match. They were a large group
on the trip, so much so that half their players bowled one day, the others visited the local area and the next day the roles were
reversed.
It was a fine afternoons’ play where everybody including the spectators joined in the fun. It didn’t seem to matter what the score was
in the end. I wrote to their President saying how much we all enjoyed a very pleasant game and to say if you wanted a rematch we
would be very happy to host the game and that his Club members were great company which made the day all the more
pleasurable.
Thank you to Mandy & George for the tea and cake. Our shop did a roaring trade, so thank you to Josie and Nigel for their help there
and Mick Yeo arranged the game, at very short notice with his usual enthusiasm.
The newsletter went away with our visitors too and here are a few of the comments that I have received from them since.
Thanks for the message and Newsletter Ann, we enjoyed ourselves very much and if we are close enough in future we will arrange
another game with you. I will pass on your message at our Presentation evening tonight. Hope to see you again sometime soon.
Tony Stygal
‘I was in the Cambs IndoorTour which came to your Club Tues 10 Feb. We all a marvellous time at your club if anyone asks where to
go your club is top of my list. Things seem to run so smoothly. I guess you’re well practised in this. Thank you for friendship. Good
luck to your club in all you do.’
Bernie Mould.
‘Mum, Julia Scutt, of Chesteron Indoor Bowls Club, has asked me to forward this photo and to say thank you for a lovely day they
had with you and your members. She sends best wishes’.
Volunteers
Thank you to the new members of the team helping in the grounds and with the grass cutting on the outside rinks.
We still have openings for volunteers to cover the reception desk at various times of the week.
If you are can give some time please contact me at the office ……… Hugh Stocken
COTSWOLD BOWLS CLUB NEWSLETTER
Issue Two 2015
Gloucester County Womens Indoor Bowling Association.
Affiliated to E.W.I.B.A
County News
March 2015
The game against Somerset County scheduled at Bristol C&C 23rd January was cancelled, due to
insufficient availability of players.
Wednesday 4th February we played Warwickshire County at Avon Valley BC.
The score: 114 for Gloucester and 107 for Warwickshire; winning on three of the rinks.
Sunday 22nd February we travelled to North Wilts Bowling Club to play Wiltshire. Again we had an overall win.
The score: Gloucester 124 and Wiltshire 111; winning on two rinks and a draw on one rink.
Wednesday 11TH March the match against Berkshire was cancelled, insufficient availability of players again.
Tuesday 17th March we played Oxfordshire at Cotswold Bowls Club. Gloucestershire had an overall win of 117 to 110. Winning
on three of the rinks, and losing on three. Well done to Gloucestershire ladies.
PRESIDENT’S DAY 5TH MARCH, was held at Cotswold Bowls Club with forty-seven ladies including five Past Presidents
attending this event, which proved to be a very successful day. Prizes were awarded to the best bowlers, and booby prizes for
the less successful. Well done ladies.
I would like to thank all the ladies of Cotswold who supported me at this event.
The raffle raised £104.00 which will be donated to the Great Western Air Ambulance charity.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who generously contributed prizes.
Joyce Keating GCWIBA President 2014-15
Gloucestershire County Womens Indoor Bowling Association.
ANNUAL GENERAL MEETING
Tuesday 31st March 2015 7.00 pm for 7.15 pm at Cotswold Bowls Club.
For the 2015-2016 season we have vacancies for the following:
President, Vice-President, Junior Vice-President, Secretary, and Match Secretary.
Should you wish to be involved in any of the above positions and require further information please contact me 01666 502798.
Ladies, it would be appreciated if you attend this meeting, to discuss the future of the GCWIBA.
Joyce Keating President 2014 - 2015
What is the correct feminine equivalent of the following?
Proprietor, Bachelor,
Patron,
Songster,
Earl,
Friar,
Governor,
Traitor,
Executor.
Tutor,
What is the singular of the following?
Scissors,
Spectacles (glasses),
Measles,
Bellows (for fire),
Tongs.
What is the correct masculine equivalent of these?
Heroine,
Madam,
Vixen,
Sultana,
Negress,
Abbess.
Witch,
Marchioness,
Lass,
Bride,
Answers on back page
The newsletter is published
on the Club website each
month
www.cotswoldbowlsclub.org.
uk
COTSWOLD BOWLS CLUB NEWSLETTER
Issue Two 2015
If anyone has ever tried to learn another language and then you’ve dropped a clanger’
The last newsletter asked for our stories so here is mine.
After meeting a German couple in Malta in May 1972 we became good friends and spent the rest
of the holiday in their company.
Before we left Malta, Gisela asked us to go and stay with them in Germany and they would learn English.
I thought that was a very good idea and Gisela was looking forward to speaking to me on the telephone.
The men, I’m afraid didn’t bother!
In July we had an invitation to go and stay with them in August. My husband could not go so I went alone.
I was very glad I had been working hard learning German and liked it very much.
I stayed up half the night every night until I felt I had enough to speak basic German, I walked around in the day with tape
recorder & earphones on so my accent was fairly good. By the way I discovered they were millionaires!!
A few days into the holiday in Germany, Gisela asked her ladies circle of friends to come and meet the English lady – they
were also all millionaires.
They were all a little snooty but very nice to me and very surprised I had become so fluent in German so quickly.
One lady asked me how I managed it.
I replied in what I thought was good German ‘weil ich hübsch bin’.
I noticed a few red cheeks but didn’t know why.
After the ladies left Gisela asked me why I had said ‘weil ich hübsch bin’. I replied it was true, I had been working hard.
Gisela told me I had told them ‘because I’m pretty’.
I should have said ‘weil ich fleissig bin’, which I knew, but I somehow got it wrong at the wrong time……… Be warned
Gillian Harding
Facts you may not know ………..
* The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent
* For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off
* If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water as when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism
shuts off.
Whew, new scientific proof ………………. What a relief to learn this!
Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was?
Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.
Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's
known as an Event Boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next.
Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.
Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's that damn door!
M & G Catering
The Bowlers Bistro will be closed from 8th May to 17th May.
Mandy and George are going camping!
We will be back and refreshed and ready for the rest of the season …………………
COTSWOLD BOWLS CLUB NEWSLETTER
Issue Two 2015
A Good Irish story.
An Irishman moved into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender
raises his eyebrows but serves the man three beers which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man had finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again.
The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.
Soon the entire town is whispering about ‘the man who orders three beers’.
Finally a week later the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. ‘I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here
are wondering why you always order three beers’.
‘Tis odd, isn’t it’ the man replies. ‘You see, I have two brothers, one in America, one in Australia. We promised each other
that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond’.
The bartender and soon the whole town was pleased with the answer and soon the ‘man who orders three beers’ became
a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues
for the rest of the evening – he orders only two beers. The word flies around the town. Prayers are offered for the soul of
one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man ‘Folks around here, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your
brother. You know the two beers and all that ….’
The man ponders for as moment, then replies, ‘You’ll be happy to hear that my brothers are alive and well … It’s just that I,
myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent’.
Father Joe Jenkins, pastor of Holy Family Church, Michellville, Washington. (taken from Rodborough Parish News)
Human Resources Lingo
Competitive Salary - we remain competitive by paying less than
our competitors.
Join our fast-paced Company- we don't have time to train you.
Must be dead-line orientated - you'll be 6 months behind
schedule on your first day.
Some overtime required - that is, sometime each night and
sometime each weekend.
Duties will vary - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Must have an eye for detail - There is no quality control.
Must be career minded - female applicants must be childless
(and remain that way).
Candidates should have wide experience - You will be doing
the jobs of 3 people who have just left.
Team leadership skills essential - You'll have the
responsibilities of a manager without the salary, or the respect.
Good communication skills needed - The management
communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Peter Payne
COTSWOLD BOWLS CLUB NEWSLETTER
Issue Two 2015
CCT – (That stands for Cotswold Canals Trust!)
Every Wednesday morning I clamber up the steep steps in the rear garden of a house in Bisley – accompanied by a cat
called Domino. The goal is a wooden summer house which sports a magnificent view over the valley. But it is a working
environment – the office of Dr. Val Kirby, who is the very highly-qualified lady working (almost full time and on a completely
voluntary basis) to present the Heritage Lottery Fund (HLF) with a credible bid for funds for the restoration of the
Stroudwater Canal – Eastington to its proposed connection with the Sharpness canal at Saul.
The bid will be for something approaching £20 million (yes – your eyes do not deceive you – Twenty Million Pounds!). I
help Val with some of the incredible amount of administration work associated with the HLF bid. Today, Wednesday 18th
March I have my feet up in my conservatory composing this article. Val – and associate members of the CCT – is however,
spending the day in Exeter discussing the progress of the bid with a Regional Director of the HLF.
On Friday about twenty CCT members (those closely associated with the HLF bid) including Val and me, will tramp down to
the headquarters of the CCT in Brimscombe – an antiquated 1970’s office building, sadly in need of a “lady wot does” and
more than a lick of paint. There we shall spend most of the day discussing the progress of the bid. I arrange for a copious
supply of tea, coffee and biscuits – much needed! and the preparation of and background to the mammoth amount of
paperwork needed to support the bid – and so it goes on!
Getting to know some of the people involved, I am absolutely amazed at the amount of enthusiasm there is for the project the time volunteers will give – the incredible amount of expertise held – example: retired managing directors of multi-million
pound companies; Civil engineers with qualifications and experience coming out of their ears – retired head teachers – I
could go on!
This is a wonderful project in which to be involved and any volunteer will be welcomed with open arms –old or young – the
only qualification needed is willingness and enthusiasm – there are many fields in which anyone can help – not just wielding
a shovel!
If you have not already done so, take a walk along various sections of the canal around Stroud, and admire the completed
sections – pristine new lock gates – well-surfaced towpath for us to walk/cycle on – great habitats for wildlife – and also
maybe look in horror at the vast amount of work being undertaken around Ham Mill. How on earth are they going to get rid
of all that mud and rubbish - THEY WILL!
If you are interested in helping CCT go to the centre at Wallbridge, or have a word with me. it costs only £10 per year to
become a member and receive the magazine, Trow.
Incidentally, come and see Dr. Val Kirby, who, I am convinced, fills at least 48 hours in
each day, acting a small part in the play directed by our MARTIN STOCKWELL.
It will be performed at the Cotswold Playhouse between 23rd – 25th April.
“Now before we start, are you for or against the National Health Scheme!”
LAST BUT NOT LEAST! – KEEP BUYING THOSE LOTTERY TICKETS!
Brenda Oakey
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his
twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I
didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny... 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find
out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little
fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!' The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the
way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny
was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...
.You must be a "POLITICIAN"
COTSWOLD BOWLS CLUB NEWSLETTER
Issue Two 2015
Hints & Tips …………… Decorating and the Spring garden
To protect a wall fitting such as a light from paint splatters, cover with a plastic bag secured with string. Remove the light bulb
which if switched on would heat up and present a fire risk.
Filing & Sizing ….. Fill any small holes. Before the filler dries cover the area with a PVA solution
(5 parts water to 1 part PVA). Carefully smooth it with a brush to eliminate the need for sanding.
While wallpaper is soaking hang it from a pole suspended between two dining chairs, a broom handle
is ideal. Always remove a length from the same end then move the others along so that you take the one
that has soaked the longest.
Plant our hardy bulbs that have been grown inside over winter. Feed and water them well.
Lift, divide and replant congested clumps of snowdrops as soon as the flowers have faded.
Lift, divide and replant established or over-sized herbaceous plants discarding any weak sections.
Plant summer flowering bulbs and perennials, if the ground is not frozen or waterlogged.
Prune hybrid bush roses cutting out any frost damaged, dead or crossing stems.
Mixed Vegetable and Chicken Pasta
3 boneless & skinless chicken breasts, 2 leeks, 1 red onion, 350g.12oz pasta shells, 25g/1oz butter, 2 tbls olive oil,
1 garlic clove peeled & chopped, 175g/6oz cherry tomatoes, halved, 200ml/7fl oz double cream, Salt & pepper,
425g can asparagus tips, drained, 125g/4oz double Gloucester cheese with chives, crumbled. Green salad to serve.
Cut chicken into thin strips. Trim the leeks leaving some of the dark green tops, then shred and wash thoroughly in plenty of
cold water. Peel the onions and cut into thin wedges.
Bring a large pan of lightly salted water to a rolling boil. Add the pasta and cook according to the packet instructions, or until ‘al
dente’.
Meanwhile melt butter with the olive oil in a large heavy-based pan, add the chicken and cook, stir occasionally, for 8 minutes,
or until browned all over. Add the leeks and onions and cook for 5 minutes, or until softened. Add the garlic and cherry
tomatoes and cook for a further 2 minutes.
Stir the cream and asparagus tips into the chicken and vegetable mixture, bring to the boil slowly, then remove from the heat.
Drain the pasta thoroughly and return to the pan. Pour the sauce over the pasts, season to taste with salt and pepper, then
toss lightly.
Preheat the grill. Tip the pasts mixture into a gratin dish and sprinkle with the cheese.
Cook under the preheated grill for 5 minutes or until bubbling and golden, turning the
dish occasionally.
Serve immediately with a green salad.
Club Lockers
The Club lockers are paid for each year at the same time as the annual subscription fee.
If anyone has no further use for their locker would they please hand the key in at the reception
desk labelled with the locker number. Alternatively see David Halliday with the key and details.
Please do not just pass your locker on to another member.
Each locker must be registered to the person using it.
It has come to our attention that some lockers are in use without David Halliday, Locker Secretary,
knowing whose property is inside.
David Halliday
COTSWOLD BOWLS CLUB NEWSLETTER
Issue Two 2015
Foot Placement when playing Bowls
In any sport which involves leg and/or arm movement one of the essentials to get right is the position of the feet. Bowls is
no exception.
The Law states (7.1) that before delivery a player must be standing on the mat with all or part of at least one foot on the
mat. At the moment they deliver the jack or a bowl, the player must have all or part of one foot on or above the mat
This means that you have a 600mm x 360mm area with which you MUST have foot contact when you take up your position
to bowl. BUT as you let go of your bowl you must have at least part of one foot in contact or above the mat. If you are a
bowler who lifts your leg sideways as you bowl (this often happens on the back hand) BE CAREFUL.
Some people push well forward to get extra weight on delivery, so don’t take a stance with only the heel of our standing
foot on the mat, you will almost certainly not have that foot in the correct position on delivery.
The base for bowling should be with one foot in front of the other. The natural position for right handed players will be with
the left foot forward and for left handed bowlers to put the right foot forward so that you have a balanced base for delivery.
Your standing foot should be angled to point along the line on which you wish to deliver your bowl, not normally straight
down the rink, and your forward foot and delivery arm should follow that line.
Practise reaching after your bowl on that line. Many make the mistake of flipping their wrist over or allowing the delivery
arm to bend up to the opposite shoulder.
If you bowl with the standing foot near the front of the mat and have a foot or so to lose in weight, move your stance to the
back of the mat next time and bowl the same line & weight. A simple adjustment with feet instead of arm, (static instead of
moving)
Similarly, standing on one side of the mat or the other can give you slight adjustment on the amount of green you have to
take.
GOOD BOWLING and all the best for the Summer Season.
Angela Wildsmith
Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.
The patient replies: ‘Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the pudding race
Aboonthem a ye take yer place
Painch, tripe ot thairm
As langs my airm.’
Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The patient replies: ‘Some hae maet an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat am we can eat,
So let the Lord be thank it’
Even more confused and his grin now rictus-like, the moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi' bickering brattle!
Now seriously troubled Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks ‘Is this a psychiatric ward?’
‘No’ replies the doctor, ‘This is the Serious Burns Unit’
Bob Thomson
Of which country or countries were these rulers?
Alexander the Great,
Pyrrhus,
Ivan the Terrible,
Malcolm III (Bighead), Roderic O’Connor,
Zog.
Charles XII,
How many times were the following prime minister of Great Britain?
Winston Churchill,
George Canning, William Gladstone, Benjamin Disraeli,
Rameses II,
Lord John Russell.
COTSWOLD BOWLS CLUB NEWSLETTER
Issue Two 2015
Bowls Shop Update.
Firstly I must thank Jackie Collier, Josie Freeman, Sheila Hayward, Dave Marlow, Jean Crook and Nigel Stronach for their
help over the winter season.
As requested we have cropped trousers, both in Grey and White in stock now.
A selection of hats and caps, men’s belts in grey and white and hand warmers have also arrived.
Wet weather gear and fleeces – there are items in the shop that are as samples only and will be ordered as required.
It is impossible to gauge accurate stock levels so we are trying to prevent an overstock situation.
Delivery should only take 7 days to arrive with us.
Ann Murphy
Prostate Check
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are
probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy obeys and says, "99".
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,
'99".
Again, the old guy says, '99'."
The doctor said, "Very good". Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your
penis to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, '99'………
The old guy begins, "One, two, three ……"
REMEMBER. You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing!
Quiz Answers.
Feminine equivalents: Proprietrix, Spinster, Countess, Nun, Matron, Governess, Patroness, Songstress, Traitress,
Executrix.
Singulars: There isn’t one for any of these.
Masculine equivalents:
Hero,
Fox,
Negro,
Wizard,
Marquis,
Lad, Bridegroom, Sir, Sultan Abbot.
Countries ruled: Macedonia, Epirus, Russia, Sweden, Egypt, Scotland, Ireland, Albania.
Prime ministers ruled:
Twice, Once, Four times, Twice, Twice.
Newsletter deadline for the next issue is 19th May 2015
To contribute to further issues please contact Ann Murphy. Tel 01453 757755 or email [email protected]
A PDF copy of the newsletter can be e-mailed to you if required – just mail your address
Cotswold Bowls Club. Golden Jubilee Way, Dudbridge, Stroud. GL5 3HQ
President Les Hanley
Telephone 01453 762405
Secretary Hugh Stocken
Treasurer Bob Berry
Alpha Colour Printers Ltd. Waterwells Business Park. Gloucester Tel: 01452 887000 Email [email protected]