1. society

The Sangamon Star
FREE - Take Two!
WEIRD LITTLE NEWSPAPER GOES
WHERE NO NEWSPAPER HAS GONE
BEFORE AROUND HERE PROBABLY
The Sangamon Star has the freshest
baloney of any newspaper in the entire
Sangamon Valley.
All the news we feel like printing.
HOOPLA!
PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE:
THE FIFTH COLUMN
FOURTH ESTATE
"The Fifth Column" is a group that seeks
to undermine a greater group to which
it is expected to be loyal. "The Fourth
Estate" is a euphemism for The Press.
We pride ourselves on never letting pride
get in the way of a stupid joke.
What 9/11 couldn't do, our irresponsible
media are doing to us: destroying the
confidence of the American People.
We circle the globe (online) to bring you
the snoinkiest features we can find.
And when we can't find an interesting
news item, we just make one up.
Nothing has driven the stock market down
more than the continual insistence by the
media that our economic sky is falling.
(You usually have to read the New York
Times to get that kind of journalism.)
"But we're only reporting the news!" you
can imagine them whining. Hogwash.
And The Sangamon Star is 100 times less
expensive than any other free publication!
Just do the math: 100 x 0 = 0. See?
The News has always been a form of
sensational entertainment and has only
occasionally and accidentally been
anything more seemingly noble.
So read The Sangamon Star every month.
And check out all the neat features and
past issue archives at sangstar.com.
The News is gossip and rumors and
insinuations and dirty laundry and every
kind of prurient filth.
And follow publisher Howard W. Tate's
Almost Daily News Commentary at
sangcom.blogspot.com.
And patronize our advertisers and tell
them you "saw it in The Star!"
And buy advertising! Even if it's just a
Greeting Box to say hi to Granny. Or
maybe buy a little business card ad.
And remember us if you win the lottery.
And my car could use a good cleaning.
And would you mind feeding my cats
while I'm on vacation?
See, there's lots of things you can do to
support The Sangamon Star.
A fan of The Sangamon Star shows her support for the weird little newspaper.
PRODUCTION OF PROMISING
NEW PRODUCT STALLED
Internationally popular coffee brewing
machine manufacturer Mr. Coffee has
been working long years developing a
revolutionary new machine to brew tea…
but they don’t know what to call it.
(I wonder how many variations of this
same gag I can get away with.)
NEW SWISS ARMY TOOL not
CURRENTLY IN DEVELOPMENT
Victorinox, manufacturer of the world
famous Swiss Army Knife is not working
on a multi-function counterpart to their
most popular product.
The Swiss Army Spoon will not be capable
of spooning anything and everything from
breakfast cereal to full-grown wombats.
sangstar.com
PHIL HENDRIE'S NEW RADIO
SHOW NEEDS TO BE AIRED
IN SANGAMON COUNTY
Phil Hendrie's new late-night show
contains all the fun elements of his old
show plus sarcastic news commentary and
fascinating interviews with real weirdos.
It's the most interesting radio program on
the air but it isn't being broadcast here.
Bloomington gets it and St. Louis gets it
but do we get it here? No! Dumb old here.
Until some wise program director puts
Phil on the air in Sangamon Valley we'll
just have to keep listening online at:
Know Your Foreigners!*
I have heard fearful comments from local
people about men who wear wrapped
cloth head coverings. Some locals
associate all such headgear with cultures
that sometimes violently disapprove of
American culture.
But when you see a fastidiously-dressed
bearded man wearing a handsome carefully and tightly wrapped turban, that
man is very likely a member of the Sikh
religion and a perfect gentleman.
I have a big "Crock Pot" in which I place
some water, a skillet-browned roast, salt,
pepper, a dash of cayenne, chopped onion,
sliced carrots and chunks of peeled red
potatoes. Then I turn it on and forget
about it until supper time.
The last time I started to do this, I first did
an online search for slow-cooker recipes
to see if I could steal any new ideas.
I already knew that slow-cooking destroys
most of the vitamins in food. But I was
very surprised to discover that slow
cooking one kind of food could be toxic!
Some kinds of beans and especially red
and white kidney beans contain a toxin
called phytohaemagglutinin which is
destroyed by boiling but not by the lower
temperatures used in most slow-cookers.
This is not a joke. This is a real warning.
You can slow-cook beans but only if you
boil them for awhile first. Google "bean
poisoning" for more info.
The Honest Truth
by George Codger, age 81
If you're as old as I am you've probably
learned that a lot of the "wise old sayings"
people love to repeat are really nothing
but a bunch of @#$% crap.
For example, when I was a little snotnosed brat my father told me that you
could hurt yourself worse with a dull knife
than you could with a sharp one.
He even had what seemed like a plausible
explanation for this backward-sounding
assertion.
He said that if you used a dull knife you
would push harder and it would slip easier
and you would stab yourself more readily
than with a sharp knife.
philhendrieshow.com
talkradionetwork.com
newphilhendrieshow.com
SLOW FOOD CAN MAKE YOU SICK
One of the best ways a lazy person like
me can cook a wonderful meal with little
effort is to throw some stuff in a slowcooker and come back hours later to a
most palatable repast.
#16
That sounds pretty reasonable, as long as
you don't actually think about it.
Perhaps the worlds most famous Sikh,
India's Prime Minister Manmohan Singh
Sikhism is a religion almost as new as
Hinduism is old and comes from the same
part of the world: India. Sikhism arose in
the midst of the world's great religions and
contains the best of parts of them.
Sikhs are devoted to the one God. They
are tolerant and even protective of other
religions. Sikhs do not tolerate injustice
and will take up arms against it (the
Sikh regiment is the most decorated in
the Indian Army). Sikhs strive to serve
humanity with what has become legendary
bravery, courtesy and generosity.
In other words, if you ever encountered a
terrorist situation and a Sikh was on hand,
he would likely move against the threat
before anyone else did.
So if you don't want to sit next to the guy
with the turban, I'll be glad to!
*Many of the non-honkies you meet
around here are actually US citizens!
The News doesn't exist to keep interested
citizens informed about important issues.
The News exists to make money and to
manipulate popular opinion.
I suggest that the American people stop
paying attention to "front page news"
and instead concentrate on the continuing
adventures of Brangelina and whether or
not Paris is wearing underwear this week.
We at The Sangamon Star are doing our
part to help purge the media of depressing
fear fertilizer by replacing it with
refreshingly diverting baloney.
You're welcome.
The Detective
continued from our last issue
When the Contessa's twin sister finished
licking my tonsils I sat her down across
from me, far enough away that her lips
couldn't reach me. She told me her story.
It was pretty boring. It also had more
holes in it than Bonnie and Clyde.
"Allright sister, one more time from the
top. And try telling the truth this time."
And so began another long-winded
fairytale that had everything in it but
a happy ending, or any ending for that
matter. She just went on and on and I
thought she'd never stop.
Suddenly it hit me. She was stalling. But
for what? Or who?
Suddenly it hit me. A blackjack. I saw
stars for a moment and then a moon pie.
That was weird.
But you don't really need to think about it.
All you have to do is live 81 years to see
what a bunch of @#$% crap this is.
When I came to I was tied to a chair. I
hate being tied to a chair. If you're gonna
tie me to something you could at least use
a little imagination.
I have accidentally cut myself with a knife
about 100 times in my life. And every
single @#$% time it was because the
@#$% knife was too @#$% sharp!
I wasn't alone. Sitting on the sofa, half
in the shadows, was a strange frail little
man wearing a tuxedo, a top hat and two
monocles.
How the @#$% do you even cut yourself
with a dull knife?
But notice that my father said that I would
stab myself if I used a dull knife.
"Two Monacles Percy." I identified him.
I knew who he was allright. The two
monacles were a dead giveaway. "I should
have known you were behind this."
And this was the same guy who told me
never to cut toward myself, so that if the
knife slipped I wouldn't stab myself!
"Behind what, Mr. Detective?" he said
with a voice like a rotten little brat.
"Why don't you tell me?" I countered.
So what did I do? I never ever cut toward
myself and I never ever stabbed myself
even once in my entire life no matter how
sharp or dull the @#$% knife was!
"You're supposed to be the wise guy, Mr.
Smartypants." he counter-countered.
And yet you still hear dumbasses repeat
this "wise old saying" all the time .
"Bah! This is getting us nowhere!"
And do you know what I call a guy who
says he has always hurts himself worse
with dull knives than sharp ones?
A @#$% liar!
GC
"I know you are, but what am I?" I
cleverly retorted.
"Where is it that you want to go?"
"That is for me to know and for you to
find out!" he screeched, becoming angry.
continued on page two
letter from the editor
The Detective
continued from page one
Greetings, fellow chuckleheads!
"Oh yeah? That's what your mother
said..." I paused for maximum effect...
"while she was trying on army boots!"
We promotional geniuses (me and my cat)
here at The Sangamon Star have changed
advertising strategy... yes, again!
The little man turned red with rage. My
plan was to get him so worked up he'd
try to punch me in my big fat mouth. At
the last instant I'd jerk my head down and
his puny fist would smack me right at the
hairline where my skull is nice and thick.
After he broke his hand on my fine manly
head I'd kick his legs out from under him
and give him a goodnight kiss on the
coconut with my heel. It was a great plan.
In keeping with our tiny new format
and everyone else's tiny new advertising
budgets we're focusing on selling tiny ads:
It's the Invasion of the Biz Cards!
You can show your support for our weird
little newspaper and have your business
card read by thousands of Star readers.
Just mail your business card and a $10.00
check to PO Box 571, Chatham, IL 62629.
"Bruno! I think the detective needs to
learn some manners!"
Talk about cheap and easy!
But wait! There's more! (And by "wait" I
mean "don't wait; keep reading!")
If your business card sucks or you're
some schmuck who doesn't even have
a business card, just give us the usual
information and we'll fake you one!
Or we'll custom design you a Biz Card
size ad (or coupon!) at no additional cost!
If you're not in business but would like to
say "Hi" to Grandma or "Happy Birthday"
to your pal Stinky or "Will you marry me"
to Paris Hilton, we'll put your message
(up to 100 words!) in a Biz Card size ad!
Any of the above for a measly crummy
rotten stinking @#$% ten bucks!!!
And if you're a big showoff who just has
to have a bigger ad than everybody else,
buy two Biz Card spaces and have an ad
twice as tall as the others!
Or buy three Biz Card spaces side by side
and we'll make you a cool banner!
Any number of spaces, any configuration,
$10.00 for each Biz Card space!
If it was any easier, the SJ-R would do it!
Show your support for your favorite weird
little newspaper! Buy a @#$% ad!
Help us to buy more exclamation points!
We're running out of them, fast!!!!
The Grape Emancipator - by Vincent Kemp
Draw your own version of "Abe" and email
to [email protected] or mail to PO Box
571, Chatham, IL 62629
Hungry Howie's
Lucky 7 Bean Chili
red
light kidney
dark kidney
pinto
navy
great northern
black
Finely chop half an onion and put in
skillet with 1.5 lbs chopped steak. Season
with 1/2 tsp: salt, cayenne, black pepper.
Brown beef then add to pot and simmer
for a few minutes.
Serve, eat, smile, thank me later.
In April of 1815 Mount Tambora in
Indonesia erupted with a force greater
than that of any volcano since 181 AD.
The eruption of Tambora is believed to
have caused 71,000 deaths, perhaps the
most deaths ever caused by any volcano.
The volcanic ash from Tambora remained
in the atmosphere for many months,
causing what has been called “the year
without a summer” in 1816.
Temperatures were abnormally low across
the northern hemisphere (Pennsylvania
rivers were frozen in August) destroying
crops and causing a severe food crisis.
Grain prices in the US rose 800%. Rioting
broke out in England and France. Tropical
Asia experienced first recorded snowfall.
China suffered widespread famine.
It is believed that the severely cold climate
in 1816 was responsible for 100,000
deaths in Europe alone.
Former Governor Rod Blagojevich has
been named Sheriff of Bull Pit, Illinois.
The next winter was much colder than
normal (-26 F in upper New York) causing
continued hardship and a record number
winter weather related fatalities.
We bring you this story to help you keep
things in perspective. Quit worrying about
the @#$% recession and have a nice day.
You can thank me later.
The former governor stated he had to
find work doing something to support his
family. He said he has always wanted to
work in law enforcement since watching
early Andy Griffith Shows.
"Nevermind!"
I looked pleadingly at Percy.
"Stop talking to the detective and just hit
him." Percy ordered.
"Thank you." I thanked him.
"You're welcome." he welcomed me.
Bruno hit me so hard I went back in time.
He was just about to thump me for the
first time all over again when the door
squeaked open. We all turned and saw
a shapely brunette filling the doorway
with her shapeliness. She was either the
Contessa or her twin sister.
"Do not harm him... yet." She said with a
thick accent. "I vish to speak to him..." she
paused to take a deep breath "...alone."
continued on page three
Chinese through Tone & Color
by Nathan Dummitt
illustrated by Dan Acton
(a kind of book review, sort of)
The above mentioned book employs
a very cool idea for learning to speak
Chinese.
Some Chinese words sound just like other
Chinese words except that they are spoken
in different pitches.
This can be hard to convey in text.
But in Dummitt's book the concept is
thoroughly explained and assisted by the
use of color coding to indicate the proper
relative pitch of each word.
But that's not what I wanted to write
about. What I want to write about is the
wonderful illustrations in this book.
This book was visually designed and
charmingly illustrated by long-time
Sangamon Star artist Dan Acton!
I have been a fan of Dan's artwork since
I first received some of his cartoons in an
email back in 2006.
Dan attended the University of Illinois
back at the turn of the century and now
lives in NYC.
The illustrations in Dummitt's book
are worth the price of the book. Dan's
drawings convey attitude clearly and with
highly developed humor.
Dan is masterfully fluent in the visual
language of cartooning.
Consider the superb illustrations Dan has
created for my "Curious Column." I email
him the articles and he draws whatever the
text suggests to him. And I always love
the result.
Mr. Blagojevich is negotiating with the
city to carry a gun.
NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH!
While it has been confirmed that former
governor Rod Blagojevich will accept the
job of Bull Pit sheriff, he says that he and
his family will live in Bloomington and
that he will perform his job from there.
"Skip it."
"Huh?"
Next, rinse thoroughly with cold water
and add to pot one 15 oz can of each of
the following kinds of beans:
I wish I could come up with enough ideas
to collaborate with Dan on a comic strip
but maybe that could be your job.
If you ever need an illustrator for any print
or digital project, contact Dan at:
Lactose intolerant
Take a picture of something that looks
like a face or draw a face or photograph a
funny expression on your friend's face or
come up with some new kind of face and
send it to The Sangamon Star!
"Huh?"
First, put the following in your chili pot
and start heating:
1 - 28 oz can of crushed tomatoes
1 - 28 oz can of petite diced tomatoes
2 - 4 oz cans chopped chili peppers
Above: ceramic face by Samuel Copeland.
Below: anonymous.
"What are you," I quipped. "a gorilla or a
guerilla?"
"Huh?"
The Year Without a Summer
photo and story by Greg Nergeneh
Out of the shadows came a big knuckledragging hulk in a too-small camouflage
uniform and a battered red beret.
My latest chili experiment was a hit. It's
way better than your lame chili, so try it.
REAL PROBLEMS #1
Ex-Governor Blagojevich Named
New Bull Pit Sheriff.
Make a Face!
[email protected]
The Sangamon Star
Not just another @#$% newspaper
Copyright 2009
Howard W. Tate - Editor/Publisher
[email protected]
The Sangamon Star
PO Box 571
Chatham, IL 62629
(217) 306-5096
www.sangstar.com
WHOROSCOPE
Aquarium - This month you should buy a
business card ad in The Sangamon Star.
Piecrust - Visit a Star advertiser and tell
them you saw their ad in The Star.
Capsicum - Someone longs to see a
message from you in The Sangamon Star.
Spaghettius - You will find a funny "face"
to photograph and send to The Star.
Scapula - You will be wildly successful at
writing a "shortie" story for The Star.
Liberaci - Your new business will take off
after you advertise in The Star.
Virgil - You will draw a clever picture of
"Abe" that will appear in The Star.
Arial - A tall dark stranger will enjoy the
bad poem you send to The Star.
Torus - I can't believe you're actually
going to read all of these.
Germaneye - You will do the hokey-pokey
and you'll turn yourself about.
Clanker - Blah blah blah blah blah, etc.
Leroy - Boy, am I glad that's over with.
Unbelievably Stupid
Trivia Question
of the Month:
What was Frankenstein's first name?
answer on page 93
ZEN MINUTE
"Zen" is the Japanese version of the
Chinese word "Ch'an" which is derived
from the Sanskrit word "Dhyana" which
means meditation.
Meditation is a trick to get you to sit still
and shut up.
So sit still and shut the @#$% up.
You can thank me later...
when you're enlightened.
The Curious Column
of Howard Tate
illustrated by Dan Acton
Once again people are sneezing and
coughing all around me, and once again
I’m telling them about the new cold
medicines that really work, and once
again no one is listening to me.
Is it just me that they don’t listen to or
doesn’t anybody ever take advice from
anyone anymore? Does everybody think
they already know everything? Why
am I asking you?
and ran to the cold remedy shelves.
There were oodles and gobs of new cold
products. I bought one that claimed it
could cut the severity and duration of
colds by half. I didn’t believe that it would
work, but I was desperate and willing to
try almost anything.
The product was one of those zinc
compound tablets that you dissolve in
your mouth, one per hour, for days and
days, rendering everything else you
ingest unpalatable. That means it makes
everything taste bad.
Did you notice how I snuck two topics
in?
2.) I want to complain about how
people seem to think they know more
than I do.
You don’t really need to know all these
details but I have a column to fill.
Anyway, sipping hot drinks at this point
would ward off a cold about half the
time, while drinking a lot of orange juice
always just made me sicker faster.
Many different cold remedies have been
suggested to me but like most stubborn
know-it-alls I refused to try them.
Then one day, at a particularly
inopportune time to be sick, I felt that
unmistakable throat-scratchiness and
funny-head: I was catching a cold!
I rushed to the nearest Walgreens
(fortunately, there’s one on every corner)
Hideously Disgusting
Poetry Contest Entries
Goldfish, goldfish,
Swimming in a bowl,
Goldfish, goldfishCAT EAT YOUR FACE!
by Kathryn
Roses are red
violets are puce
You’re about as silly
as a @#$% goose.
by Aejotz
Ode to the Odor of a Toad
I think that I shall never smell
a thing as flagrantly unwell
that maketh my nostrils to swell
and blah blah blah, etc.
it stinks, OK?
by Percy Periwinkle III
Holly was a little cat
her fur was fuzzy and orange
and everywhere that Holly went
um, people were, like, um...
nevermind.
by Howard W. Tate
I always wanted to be a poet
and to poetically let others know it
for I felt that I felt more than most
(I could even get passionate about
toast)
and knew more synonyms that average
and could hold a lot of adult beverage
and I just wanted some justification
for my adolescent self-adoration
but then I grew up.
by Telemachus Jones
Send your crappy poetry to
[email protected].
If it’s bad enough,
we’ll print it.
If it's really @#$% bad it might even
win a crappy prize!
How many of you are smugly telling
yourselves that eating rose hips and
echidnas is the best medicine, even though
you catch bad colds every year?
What does it take to get through to you
knuckleheads… money? Do I have to pay
you to listen to me?
And did you notice that I said “echidnas”
instead of “echinacea”? Echidnas
are those spiny little egg-laying
mammals at the petting zoo. Pretty
funny, eh?
Even worse, a greater number of
know-very-littles think they know it
all than ever before.
First, let’s discuss cold treatments.
Well, we won’t really discuss it; I’ll
write about it and you just read it.
I always feel a cold coming on long
before I start sneezing and wheezing.
It almost always starts as a funny
feeling in my head and a scratchiness
in my throat.
But how many of you stubborn know-italls are going to act on my good advice?
Know-it-all-ism is a very serious
problem in our proud nation today.
Far too many people think they know
it all.
1.) I want to inform people that there
are new products that really do seem
to reduce the severity of colds, and
And worst of all, there is an alarming
number of people who don’tknow-@#$% who think they know
everything.
Now here’s the weird part: the cold that
followed was the mildest, shortest cold I’d
ever had.
But I didn’t say “Eureka!” or anything.
Oh no, not skeptical me. I figured that the
tablets might have helped but that it was
equally possible I’d just had a very mild
cold.
A few months later I had scratchy-throatfunny-head again. And once again I used
the zinc tablets. This time the cold was
even milder and it was over in a week. I
was beginning to think that just maybe
this crap really worked.
It is now five colds later and I have not
had one bad cold in that time. I have also
eaten enough zinc to galvanize a truck.
by Nicole Strubinger
Once upon a time the readers of a weird
little newspaper called The Sangamon Star
were invited to write some really short
little bitty tiny stories and email them to
[email protected]
for possible publication and a chance for
immortality as a writer which is a real
possibilty because The Sangamon Star is
archived in the Lincoln Library Archives.
"They aren't fake!" she screamed and
tried to pistol whip me. But it wasn't a
whipping pistol and she lost her balance.
I took the gat away from her and shoved
her into the chair. All us tough guys like to
shove girls around. The littler the girl the
better. And she was plenty little.
"Now you're gonna do some talking,
sister. First of all, who are you?"
"My name is Velma Vermouth" she said.
"Nice try."
"Allright... it's Gretchen Ze Deutsch."
I don’t get to say “nay” very often. That
was fun.
"Maybe."
But I do know one thing for certain: zinc
cold tablets might possibly perhaps reduce
the symptoms of the common cold.
So just this one time all of you know-italls should take my word for it, because I
know what I’m talking about.
Well, maybe.
"Melba Toast?"
"Uh uh."
"How about Irene Adler?"
"Frida Peeple?"
"Nope."
"Prunella Scales?"
"Allright. I'll tell you. But first tie me up."
"Why?" I asked, like I needed a reason.
"Because I'm an undercover agent for a
secret government agency and you have
to leave me here for those guys to find me
while you make contact with my contact."
HT
continued on page four
WHY CHAIRMASTER?
Most exercise machines make
you tired and sweaty. But not
Chairmaster. Thanks to our
sedentary design, you feel
rested and ready to go after a
Chairmaster session.
No time to work out? Chairmaster
takes as little as five minutes!
Too tired to work out? Sit this one
out in a Chairmaster!
Can’t afford high-quality exercise
machines like the Solo-Grunt or
the Strain-O-Matic? Chairmaster’s
quality is affordably low!
Call now! Operators are sitting by!
If you look as good as this pretty
young model then you will look this
good on a Chairmaster!
contents of spam email
My mom likes sleep.
I like sleep too.
I get that from her.
I’m kind of tired
right nowww.
(yawn.byeeeeeeeee)
"By the way," I said, wiping her lipstick
off my mug, "that accent of yours is about
as fake as your boobs."
"Keep dreaming."
Young woman as unlike the type of his
victims at nine-thirty and would have had
plenty of time not die. The multitude was
prodigious and far-reaching and a slight
hoarfrost on the green border of both
women gave a slight gasp as the lid flew.
by some weirdo
The brunette untied me and kissed me like
a stick of fried dynamite. Then she pulled
an automatic revolver out of her cleavage
and leveled it at me.
I feel so left out. I envy the rock-solid
certainty so many people have that their
political party, religious affiliation or
cigarette brand is the right one; nay, the
only one.
Donald was not one to eat healthy, but
a new thought occurred to him at lunch
that day. After he grabbed his usual
french fries, hamburger, and of course a
chocolate milkshake, he grabbed a stick
of celery.
by Carly
The bunny looked out the window, a tear
trickling down his fuzzy face. He watched
the birds soaring high above the trees and
cursed himself for being a @#$% rabbit.
The gorilla and the guy in the monkey suit
left the room like they were told.
"Try again."
itsy bitsy little stories
Chris Preston - shorteststories.net
continued from page two
Bruno looked disappointed. Percy smiled
nervously. I stopped flinching.
Several times in my life I have veered
toward thinking I know everything,
but before I arrive there something
always happens to illustrate how little I
really know.
Shorties
Two partially filled glasses sat on a table
arguing furiously. Effervescing. Half
full. Half empty. Half full. Half empty.
The debate raged on until two straws
intervened.
The Detective
So the evidence is that zinc cold tablets
are effective, evidently.
from Niftco Industries
"Out of our minds and into your life."
A
CTON
COMICS
by Dan Acton
[email protected]
These comics originally appeared in the
University of Illinois' Daily Illini in Dan's
Square Lake comic strip, 2000 - 2002.
Biz Card Blitz!
Join the Gang! Join the Fun!
Put YOUR business card in The Sangamon Star
for a mere TEN measly crummy @#$% bucks!
5,000 Sangamon Star readers will see your ad!
It's the best advertising deal in Central Illinois!
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The Detective
I love you very very very very very very very much.
continued from page three
Wow, I sure do have a lot of space left. Hi Mom. What's
for supper? I hope it's not Gort's Pickled Hog Snouts
again. I love hog snouts as much as the next guy but five
times a week is a little much, don't you think? I know I do.
I figured she was telling the truth because I didn't think
anyone would lie about being a government agent.
Sheesh. This is a lot of ad space for just ten dollars!
"I knew you were an agent by the way you kissed me."
I lied and began tying her to the chair.
Hey, Stinky! Maybe I should tell Booger who knocked
down his mailbox. Ha ha. Oops. Sorry about that. Bye.
"Oh yeah? Well I knew that you knew I was an agent
and that's why I let you take the gun away from me."
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"I knew that, too." She started to one-up me again but I
cut her off. "So who are you and who is your contact?"
"Who I am is not important. Just tell the old lady at
Bernie's Books that the pickle is in the biscuit."
"Sounds reasonable." I said, stuffing my handkerchief
in her mouth and putting her gun back in her cleavage.
"By the way, I'm sorry for that crack about your boobs,
but it was them or me."
"Mmphm" she said. I think she meant it.
Bernie's Books was just across the street, down the
block, around the corner and back up the way I came.
A bell jangled when I opened the door.
An old lady who looked like a middle-aged man in an
old lady suit came out from behind a curtain.
"Can I help youse?" she asked in a gravelly baritone.
"May I help you." I corrected.
"Stop repeating what I say!"
"What if I told you the pickle is in the biscuit?"
"What the heck are youse talking about?"
"It's OK, I know you're a government agent."
"But I ain't a government agent! I'm a cross-dressing
book seller!"
It was a cinch that no one would lie about being a book
seller. The dame had conned me. But why? And which
dame was she? Was she the sister or the sister's sister?
I should have asked her that when I had her tied up.
I went back to the hotel room. It was empty. I returned
to my office. Someone was inside, waiting for me.
"Hello, Lana." I said. She walked over and kissed me
so hard my fountain pen leaked.
"What have you found out?" she asked, breathlessly.
to be continued