Journey To Armenia By Maddie Dwortz uncovered their Armenian heritage and the grievous past that accompanies From 1915 to 1923, in the midst it. In their documentary Journey to of the hype of World War I, the Armenia, Abby narrates, “Growing Turkish government tried to decimate up in America, Armenia seemed so the entire Armenian population under the Ottoman Empire. Those who were far away, yet no matter where we are, we’re always not killed fled from looking to connect what is now Turkey with the people and Armenia. Many who created us.” of them came to As a young America, where they girl, Abby could have a new start Alexanian had in our melting pot always considered nation. herself half At the time, American and half the genocide Armenian, but was published in she never knew numerous American exactly what newspapers and “being Armenian” it was a highly meant. Although recognized issue; her dad had grown however, today the up surrounded by Armenian genocide Photo Credit: Mr. Goff Armenian culture, no is less and less a topic one in her family had ever discussed of discussion, especially among those the genocide. If the topic did come whose ancestors had been victimized up, it was spoken in Armenia or by the event. This is not to say the Turkish, and she was excluded Armenians want to forget their past. Behind the covers of American society from the conversation. Not only the Alexanian’s, but many Armenians, are and behind the sadness and the fear, fearful of recollecting the genocide. there is a desire to reconnect with In 1939, when Adolf Hitler Armenian roots. ordered his military to invade Poland Abby Alexanian and her father, and massacre the Polish people, he Nubar Alexanian, came to Pingree to said, “Who still talks nowadays of the share their experience of traveling to extermination of the Armenians?” Armenia, during which they bravely Volume 5 Issue 1 February 1st 2013 the Euphrates River, a memorial for The awful truth was, and still is, twelve deceased Turkish government that the Armenian genocide has been officials stood where thousands of kept quiet by the Turk government. Armenians had been killed. It has been covered up by denial, At times it may have seemed as nationalist propaganda, and a law though the Armenian genocide had against “denigrating Turkishness.” never occurred, however, Abby and This vague law has condoned the her father did find that hospitable prosecution of those who remember Turkish and Kurdish people living in and speak openly of the Armenian small villages knew a great deal of genocide. A well known example what had happened to the Armenians. is the Armenian editor of a popular As Americans, we do not adhere Turkish-Armenian newspaper, Hrant to laws that restrict our freedom of Dink, who was prosecuted three speech. We have the right to explore times for criticizing Turkey’s denial and be open and proud of where we of the Armenian genocide and was assassinated by Turkish nationalists in come from. Abby’s decision to learn more about her Armenian heritage 2007. gave her a stronger sense of self and a In their documentary, Abby connection to the past. It is important and Nubar Alexanian capture the to know where you come from and indubitable denial of the genocide to appreciate in Turkey. who and what They had brought you to keep the to where you purpose of are today. You their trip a might even be secret at the surprised by airport and what you learn. throughout Abby their journey and Nubar to avoid Photo Credit: Mr. Goff Alexanian’s “denigrating film Journey to Armenia is expected Turkishness”, and when they stopped to be released in 2015, marking 100 to visit places where Armenians had years since the beginning of the been killed, it was noticeable that Armenian genocide. they were only people there for that reason. For example, at a stop along Valentineʼs Day Recipes Recipe from from http://tadkapasta.wordpress.com/2012/02/11/the-brownie-point-bonanza/ Chocolate Cookie Nutella Sandwiches Makes 12 You’ll need: 1 Box Brownie Mix (We used Duncan Hines Chewy Fudge Mix) 2 Eggs, at room temperature 1/3 Cup neutral tasting oil 3 Tablespoons water 1 Cup chocolate chips, optional Creamy Nutella Filling (recipe follows) Sprinkles, colored sugar or confectioners sugar for decoration Here’s how: Prepare 2 large cookie sheets by lining with parchment paper. Draw 3" hearts on the paper, about 2" apart. You will need 24 hearts, but you can bake them in 2-3 batches. Mix all the ingredients except for the filling in a large bowl and stir a few times until well mixed. The batter should be thick but loose enough to be piped out. Transfer some of the batter to a piping bag with a large opening. You do not need to use an icing tip. Pipe out the brownie batter in heart shapes on the prepared cookie sheet. Dip your finger in a bowl of water and pat down the hearts if needed. Bake for about 13 minutes or until set. Cool for 2 minutes on the sheet and then carefully transfer to a cooling rack. Nutella Filling: 1 Cup Nutella ¼ Cup unsalted butter, at room temperature 2 Cups confectioners/icing sugar 1 Teaspoon pure vanilla extract A pinch of salt 2-3 Tablespoons milk Cream the Nutella and butter together using an electric mixer, until fluffy. Beat in a cup of the sugar. Add the vanilla and salt to the bowl. Continue mixing in the rest of the sugar, along with tablespoons of milk until the filling is thick and creamy. Once the cookies are cool, sandwich the hearts together using dollops of the Nutella filling. Dip the edges in sprinkles or colored sugar, or dust daintily with confectioners sugar. Enjoy! page 1 Editorial Lance Armstrong Confesses A newspaper by and for the students of Pingree School Editors Staff Writers Maddie Dwortz Dylan Wack Mariel Reilly Calvin Gonzales Joel Fernandez Emily Corbin Jack Patrican Cam Knowles Editorial Advisors Karelyn Urina Judy Klein Nore Sullivan Pingree Clubs Asian American Footsteps By Mr.Lee Pingree will be hosting the 3rd annual Asian American Footsteps Conference on Sunday, April 14, 2013. It is a conference for high school students in New England and is open to any student who selfidentifies as Asian, Asian American, or mixed heritage Asian. This year’s theme is Community. See www. asianamericanfootsteps.com for more details. The goals for the conference are to: Inspire – provide interesting and inspiring speakers and workshops Educate – provide new information and stimulating workshops Connect – provide opportunities for students from different schools to share ideas and experiences Affirm – the experiences of Asian, Asian American and mixed-heritage Asian students at our schools The Keynote Speaker is William Tong, the first Asian American elected to the State Assembly in Connecticut. Workshop topics include spoken word, college, folk art dance, Asian Americans in independent schools, and social media. Equal Opportunity By Calvin Gonzalez Equality: the state or quality of being equal; correspondence in value, rank or ability. In the United States, students of ethnic backgrounds such as African American or Hispanic are said to have equal learning opportunities that white American students have. If that is true, then why are there so many studies being done on how white students, on average, score a dozen or more points higher on tests? A bigger punch to the gut is realizing how long it has taken for the government to do something. AfricanAmericans were granted citizenship in 1866 and Puerto Ricans in 1917; yet it took until 2001 for the government to attempt to solve the academic gap in the classroom. The “No Child Left Behind Act” was passed in 2001, and signed into law by Bush in 2002. Its goal was to have ALL students on equal levels for math and reading by 2014. Although the government made an attempt, it was a weak one at best. The reality of it was brought to light in 2010 when Joe Morton, Alabama State Superintendent, said, “That can’t happen. You have too many variables and too many scenarios, and everybody knows that would never happen.” President Obama is very adamant about competing with other countries on an academic level. But, there is a saying that goes, “You are only as strong as your weakest link.” In this case the weakest links happen to be a majority of the population. If President Obama wants to even consider competing with other countries, he has to start helping out the weaker students in the United States instead of improving the already well equipped students. On January 17, about 28 million people worldwide, including myself, tuned in to watch Oprah’s interview with Lance Armstrong, in which he publicly admitted to having used EPO, blood transfusions, and testosterone to win _ of his Tour de France victories, destroying his unmarred image as a professional cyclist, CEO of a company, father, humanitarian, and cancer survivor. He is the last person anyone would want to have anything in common with, and yet I could not help but realize that we copy his mistake almost every day. We lie. If you exempt yourself from this offense, think about the last time you told a friend their mohawk looked nice or the last time you faked bad cell phone service when you don’t want to talk to someone. These lies seem harmless in comparison with Lance Armstrong’s denial of using performance enhancing drugs. His lies were magnified by many factors that made them more severe than those we typically make. If we take away some of these factors, however, we can try to equate his lies with our own. For one, Lance Armstrong was the captain of the American Cycling Team, and therefore, he set the example for the rest of his teammates, many of which have also been accused of blood doping. I recently read about a study conducted at MIT, which revealed that if one member of group violates the rules, then the rest of the group is likely to follow suit. In the study, a classroom of college students took a math test. When they finished, they only had to tell the test administrator how many questions they got right. In one round of tests, an actor wearing a University of Pittsburg sweatshirt finished his test quickly and told the administrator he had answered everything. No other students in the classroom were from the University of Pittsburg and none of them cheated. In the next round of tests, the actor cheated again, but this time, he was wearing a Carnegie Melon sweatshirt. This time, some students cheated and they were all from Carnegie Melon. So what does this mean? That Carnegie Melon students cheat? No! This study substantiates the fact that a confident member of a group can influence the behavior of others in his group. In this exact way, Lance Armstrong had power over his fellow riders. google.com/images In addition, Lance Armstrong’s lies were encouraged by his intense drive and desire to win, which blinded him from seeing the consequences. Unlike Lance, we tend to examine three key components before we lie: what we can gain from the lie, the probability of being caught, and the consequences if caught. This is why people tend to lie about trivial things. For example, you might not tell your parents that you received an A on a test that you actually received a B-, however, you might exaggerate the B- to a B+. This way, you have a smaller risk of getting caught and you avoid severe consequences. Lance only focused on the first of the three principles. He set himself up to lose his career, his family, and his friendships, on a huge lie with an extremely high risk factor. How he ran a multi million dollar business I will never know, for it seems like he was completely incompetent to this simple cost benefit analysis. There is no denying that fame and the media worsened Armstrong’s lie. His words and actions were constantly recorded. A video was played during his interview with Oprah, in which he denies using performance enhancing drugs after winning his seventh Tour de France. There he was, watching himself fervently deny the crimes he had just admitted to. Lance Armstrong was monitored more closely than the average person, however, we should also take caution with our words. The internet and cell phones have immortalized our words, making it easier for us to get caught up in our lies. The things we say do not simply disappear like they did before the invention of these technologies. This is what changed Lance Armstrong’s public image from a hero to a villain. - MD new.standford.edu page 2 Features Get Ready, Set, Go to College New Years Resolutions By Maddie Dwortz Juniors may have noticed that the seniors have been especially tense these past few weeks, and it’s not over yet. Excited screams (and sobs) will continue to be heard from the senior area. Students also may have wondered how they are going to deal with the pressures of college next year. At Pingree, students are lucky to have amazing and supportive college counseling on campus to help them through this tumultuous time. Still, many kids who do not attend Pingree do not have access to these resources and Pingree students may need help in trying to boost those SAT scores. In response to these concerns, Pingree is offering a summer college program called “Get Ready, Set, Go to College,” which will help students start their college process over the summer. It is open to both Pingree rising juniors and seniors as well as outside students who do not have access to the comprehensive college counseling that Pingree students do. The program will consist of four different courses taught by professionals and designed to give participants support in the college process. They include: Writing an Effective College Application Essay, Developing Independent Study Skills for College, Speaking Effectively in Interviews, Classes, & Other College Situations, and Strategies for Beginning the College Process. There will also be an SAT and ACT Prep administered by Princeton Review. In case the students are not the only ones with anxiety over the coming year, there will be an evening presentation entitled, Letting Go: How, How Much, and When given by Lisa Lewis, Ph.D. from Tufts University Counseling Center, designed to help parents with their difficulties as well. The program is optional, and one course, Strategies for Beginning the College the College Process, is not recommended for Pingree students, because the content will repeat what students receive from their counselors. Participants may pick and choose from the offered courses and take as many as they want. Students can start to “Get Ready” the week of the 24th of June. Classes will run for four sessions and meet once a week from 6 p.m. to 7:45 p.m. This schedule enables participants to maintain a job and go out and have fun with their friends. After all, it is still summer vacation. The college process can be fun, sometimes. Don’t hesitate to start early and take off some of the pressure. By Mariel Reilly The year 2012 has come and gone, and it was certainly a monumental one. The world changed before our eyes. Tragedies struck, improvements were made, but most importantly; the Mayans were wrong. Although the apocalypse didn’t happen, it may have been a trying year for some, and the prospect of 2013 is a clean slate as of now. New Year’s resolutions are a tradition that is, needless to say, notoriously tacky. If you do insist on making one, keep in mind that they’re only as futile as the resolution-maker is forgetful. Most of the resolutions made on December 31 have been completely disregarded if not within the first week of January, then by February 1 at the latest. Without a party, New Year’s Eve tends to be anticlimactic. You may as well celebrate noon on a Tuesday. Resolutions have acquired a similar consensus. Also, aside from tattooing it on your forearm, it’s easy to forget important, personal commitments when inevitable business ensues. So why not leave the clichéd resolutions behind, and progress each time we find room for betterment? Instead of taking just taking one day to be introspective, resolve to take everyday in the coming year as an opportunity improve the quality of your life. google.com/images The Pingree New Columns blogs.wm.com Divergent Book Review By Nora Sullivan Divergent is the debut novel of Veronica Roth, and personally one of my favorite books of all time. There I was sitting in my post Hunger Games daze, blindly searching for something to read, when I stumbled upon Divergent. Divergent is the perfect combination between action adventure, mind games, and a complex interesting dystopian setting. Set in post-apocalyptic Chicago, the story follows Beatrice Prior as she leaves her home faction, Abnegation, and her family to join Dauntless, the group that values bravery over all else. Divergent examines the cultural differences between the different groups, family, and the corruption that has led each of the five different faction away from their founding ideals. The romance in this book is neither an afterthought nor the sole purpose of the book. All good books have strong heroes, but in my is holding an google.com/images opinion a great book has strong villains too. Divergent is complete with terrific bad guys, cold calculative leaders and an arrogant sadistic peer. If anything this book is exciting, with strong characters, an original in-depth dystopian world, and very 1984-esque fear simulations. I wholeheartedly recommend it. OPEN CALL for writers of all styles! How do you become a writer for the Columns? Five Simple Steps: 1. Pick your topic. 2. Write about it. 3. E-mail it to [email protected]. 4. Make corrections. 5. BECOME A PUBLISHED WRITER. page 3 Environment Features Make A Difference: Stop Oceanic Plastic Pollution By Emily Corbin While Massachusetts has made exceptional steps toward reducing the bacteria and contamination in ocean waters due to sewage disposal methods, the ocean is still affected by other kinds of human pollution, particularly by plastic. While the ocean only surrounds a small coastal area of Massachusetts, it is important for us to realize that even if there are no large gyres of concentrated plastic on our coast, it is still our responsibility to prevent the plastic pollution problem from expanding. These large gyres are created by ocean currents that bring all of the plastic into one condensed area. For example, when someone on Plum Island,, forgets their plastic water bottle on the beach, it’s possible that it may be swept out to sea and ultimately end up in one of the gyres. Even more unsettling than the large gyres on the surface of the ocean is the fact that more than half of the thermoplastics sink in seawater, making the plastic pollution problem much deeper than our eyes can see.[1] We are just as responsible for the plastic in the ocean as anyone else, especially because the ocean does not belong to one particular person or country. Everyone in the world has equal responsibility to prevent plastic and other pollutants from invading and degrading our oceanic ecosystems and species. And that is exactly what it is doing. Sea creatures mistake plastic for food, and as a result, it is estimated that “86% of turtle species, 43% of seabird species, and 44% of marine mammals have plastic in their gut.”[2] Knowing that, the fact that our actions affect the lives of so many other species is disheartening. Let’s take a Loggerhead sea turtle that hatched off of the Florida coast as an example. This turtle begins its migration, and is carried by the Gulf Stream current toward the North Atlantic Gyre, a current system that flows in a circular motion.[3] When it arrives, it follows the lead of most of the other Loggerhead sea turtles and stays within this warm watered gyre for a number of years. However, one of the five major plastic oceanic gyres happens to be in the North Atlantic. Therefore, the turtle will encounter the garbage patch and most likely become part of the large percentage of sea turtles that ingests plastic. The plastic in the gyre ranges from microscopic pieces of plastic, to plastic bottles and bags, to even larger plastics like traffic cones. This turtle will probably continuously mistake the plastic for food, and ultimately die of starvation because of its inability to digest the material. Now let’s take that one Loggerhead turtle’s situation and expand it to the entire species. Please keep in mind that the following numbers are estimates, based on data gathered in 2004. Suppose there are about 44,000 nesting Loggerhead turtles, and say each of these females lays 400 eggs total over a time period of three years.[4] It is also estimated that only 1 in every 1,000 sea turtles that hatches will survive.[5] That means, in three years, about 17,600 Loggerhead sea turtles will live. However with increasing pollution, oil spills, plastic ingestion, and other human disturbances, this number will continue to decrease. We humans are the cause of this decline, so it is our responsibility to reverse it. Please, think about what you’ve left as you’re walking off the beach. One person can make a difference. Sea Turtle tangled in plastic bag. google.com/images [1] “Threat Four: Pollution,” Save Our Seas Foundation, 2012, 5 December 2012 <http:// saveourseas.com/threats/pollution#4>. [2] “Threat Four: Pollution,” Save Our Seas Foundation, 2012, 5 December 2012 <http:// saveourseas.com/threats/pollution#4>. [3] “Sea Turtle Migrations,” The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, 2012, 5 December 2012 <http://www.unc.edu/depts/oceanweb/turtles/migratoryroute.html>. [4] “Species Fact Sheet: Loggerhead Sea Turtle,” Sea Turtle Conservancy, 2011, 5 December 2012 <http://www.conserveturtles.org/seaturtleinformation.php?page=loggerhead>. [5] “Sea Turtles,” Broward.org, 5 December 2012, <http://www.broward.org/ NATURALRESOURCES/BEACHANDMARINE/Pages/seaturtles.aspx>. Closing the Salem Power Plant Can Lead to a Future of Clean Energy By Cam Knowles Climate change may be the most important issue ever faced by the nations of the world. Despite this enormous crisis, humans are not taking the drastic steps needed to stop it. In order to stop an issue this large and to make drastic changes, personal interest must be sacrificed and humans must be willing to give something up. This all starts on a local level. If towns and counties focus on lowering their own carbon footprint, economic protection will proceed in a much more organized fashion. This sustainable behavior is contagious and sends an important message that climate can not and will not be ignored. Currently, there is a proposal for a wind turbine to be erected on Winter Island in Salem. This wind turbine has been under debate, and the construction of the windmill is being blocked. Not only does this wind turbine need to be put up for the clean energy it would create, but also for the tremendous ripple effect it would have. For almost 60 years a coal fired power plant powered much of Salem. In 2010 this coal plant drew in protesters advocating for the termination of the plant, and even Mitt Romney, the past governor of Massachusetts, said it should be shut down. Salem took its first step forward when it reached an agreement to shut down the plant 2014. Although, this will make for a cleaner North Shore, a source of clean energy is needed to fill the vacant power left from the plant. mangonetworks.com page 4 If the wind turbine were to be put up, 400 homes would receive power. Ideally multiple wind turbines would be put up with the energy to power almost all of the north shore. Arguments against the wind turbine include Wind Turbine syndrome and that it will bothersome to look at and hear. Wind Turbine Syndrome is not recognized by any disease classification system and does not appear in the United States National Library of Medicine’s PubMed database. As for having to see the windmill on a daily basis, it perplexes me that someone would be fine with seeing smoke rise from smokestacks and not a windmill. In addition, there are no houses within 1400 feet of the windmill and you can only hear the windmill inside 800 feet of its radius. However, the windmill only creates noise when there is a lot of wind, and when it is windy out you will hear the wind, not the windmill. This windmill would be great for the North Shore and its movement to clean energy. Ipswich has just finished building its second windmill due to its satisfaction with the first one. Almost every clean energy project that is put into debate ends up being successful and helpful for the neighboring communities. google.com/images Environment Features Too Much Tuna By Jack Patrican A century ago, it was completely out of the question that the ocean would run out of fish. The species that are now difficult to find would have been practically jumping into the boat a hundred years ago. The vast sizes of fish schools ensured that they would always be swimming in our oceans. Currently, outdoorsmen and scientists laugh at the predicted immortality of certain specimens; most importantly, the Bluefin tuna, ironically known to be dark-pink gold. Just one fish can be sold at auction for up to $736,000 dollars. However, they are gill netted, or entangled in the net, in a very dire predicament, which threatens them, the economy, and an entire ecosystem. The same you can not remove a piece of plumbing from your house and expect the toilet to flush, the Bluefin can not be taken out of its ecosystem without a collapse that Earth isn’t ready for. Today, the Bluefin are aggressively overfished and are flirting with extinction. Longlines, purse seines (a type of net), and ranching, just to name a few, are decimating the worldwide population. Bluefin are an impressive species that migrates 3,000 plus miles in some trips, is susceptible to poaching outside of United States jurisdiction. Entire schools are lured and trapped into nets that stretch hundreds of yards across. From there they are fattened and then poached until every profitable fish is killed, letting the bycatch of perfectly delicious but imperfect tuna sink to the ocean floor. The taking of the entire school must be stopped and rod and reel fishing must be promoted in order to sustain this great species. Because they are valuable to our ocean, sportsmen, local economy, fishermen, small business’ etc., we need to protect our Bluefin to ensure that one of the ocean’s last great predators can actually have a future. Saving the Bluefin is not just one man’s work; it requires people everywhere to raise awareness and choose what one eats carefully. Eating less Bluefin will decrease the demand for it, which will increase the supply of the fish. High prices have led to the overfishing of the species, so with less demand and lower prices, the bounty on the Bluefin’s head will be greatly decreased. Awareness must be raised in order to improve the regulations and to save the species. Local to all of us living in Massachusetts, the Bluefin supports $4.4 billion dollars in our states revenue while supplying over 80,000 jobs to residents. This is not just a fish crisis but also an economic crisis. More importantly, we are saving the majestic Bluefin tuna from further overfishing and eventually extinction, but economic fall out is something to be considered as well. The Bluefins have long been taken for granted and it is time to change that, because they will be missed once they are gone . google.com/images Entertainment The Most Wonderful Time of the Year Rap For His Father By Dylan Wack By Karelyn Urena 1. Santa is wanted by the Federal Bureau of Investigation for extortion, racketeering, murder, and three unpaid parking tickets from 1997. Hood kids dance to their rhymes beneath burnt bridges in downtown Chicago. Their verses flowing like rivers, dirty and thick. 2. The tradition of being kissed under mistletoe was actually started by the Celts, to make the single Celts feel bad about themselves. 3. The single largest collection of Menorahs is in Lima, Peru. Do with this what you will. 4. The word “December” come from a Nordic phrase. Roughly translated, it means “spending time with those you despise.” 5. The true meaning of the Holiday Season is spending time with family, friends, and loved ones. I’m joking, of course, the real meaning is for there to be a vacation in December. 6. The reason we cut down trees and decorate them for a religious holiday that has nothing to do with trees is because humanity is made up of a bunch of idiots. 7. If you celebrate the Winter Solstice, the Queen of Denmark is legally allowed to punch you in the face. 8. For three weeks in 1978, Hanukkah was that national bird of Belize. Thank you, autocorrect. 9. Take out your calculator. Type in your age. Next, multiply it by the date of the first day of Kwanzaa this year. You can’t do it, can you? What is your problem? Just put the calculator away, you’re embarrassing yourself. 10. The best way to express your love to someone this holiday season is more than likely smoke signals. Or semaphore. 11. In Cyprus, instead of having Santa Claus bring presents, the children of the island nation simply steal things from each other on December 25th. 12. The most frequently played holiday song this year is Bing Crosby’s “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” The second most frequently played: “Where’s the Advil?” by anyone who has ever hosted a holiday party ever. 13. The appropriate holiday greeting agreed upon by international leaders is officially “Merry Interdonominational Midwinter Holiday Celebration.” Oppositions are like a stab in their rhythm. Dry throats hang off these dark skinned lips as they wait their turn to shake the earth. Michael steps forward, holding his father’s soul in his hands. teeth clenched fists clasped shoulders tilted towards God. His piercing eyes scream as they collide with his father’s aura. The bridge trembles. The Pingree New Columns is now accepting creative writing! It can be a poem, short story, essay, anything you want to share! Email to [email protected] page 5 Features Horoscopes Horoscopes by Lulu Orne Drawings by Lisa Truong January 20-February 18 Please stop referring to yourself as “The Dark Lord”, that position has already been filled. February 19-March 20 Please stop harassing Waffle House employees, they already have it bad enough. May 21-June 20 June 21-July 22 I think it’s time to start breaking some amish.. Your reoccurring stress dreams of the resurrection of Whitney Houston as the anti-christ are a sign that you should lay off the dairy. September 23-October 22 Happy Festivus! Time to get your aluminum pole out of the attic. page 6 October 23-November 21 Fear the wolfman. March 21-April 19 Looking for a way to get some ladies? Try a beard of bees. July 23-August 22 Stop lending out your tooth brush to strangers, das nasty. November 22-December 21 Your love life is the most disappointing thing since Ke$ha announced her new single, “Bring Your Infant to Da Club”. April 20-May 20 Your Netflix addiction has overwhelmed your life, perhaps it’s time to branch out. August 23-September 22 It’s time to start bulking up on astronaut ice cream and gatorade, the apocalypse is growing closer. December 22-January 19 You will meet the love of your life at the midnight premier of The Hobbit, unfortunately, his name is Golem.