A Working Mom’s Answer to
Getting Kids to LISTEN without
Nagging, Yelling or Punishment
Amy McCready
Positive Parenting Solutions
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
The Vicious Cycle
Remind
Repeat
Remind
Nag
Ask
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
The Vicious Cycle
Nag
Repeat
Remind
Nag
Ask
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
The Vicious Cycle
Nag
Repeat
Remind
Nag
Ask
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
My Promise
Our Game Plan…
• Why Kids Really Misbehave
• Why Time Out, Rewards and “Because I
said so” Fail
• Go-to Tool to Change Your Life & Your
Child’s
• Silver-Bullet Strategy for Blissful
Mornings, Bedtimes & No More Chore
Wars
• 5 R’s of Rock Star Consequences
Parents Encouraging Parents
Why do kids really misbehave?
Adlerian Psychology
A child’s primary emotional needs are
to
belong and feel significant.
Belonging
• Emotionally connected
• Knowing how I “fit in”
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Belonging
• Emotionally connected
• Knowing how I “fit in”
• Having sufficient
POSITIVE attention
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Whiny Clingy Helpless
Sibling Fighting
Bedtime Dawdling
Bedtime
Dawdling
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Kids only
continue the
behaviors
that work
for them!
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
A child’s primary emotional needs are
to
belong and feel significant.
Significance
• I am capable
• I make a difference
• I contribute in
meaningful ways
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Significance
• I am capable
• I make a difference
• I contribute in
meaningful ways
• I have personal POWER
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Control over
my world!
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Mealtime
Bedtime
Potty
Homework
Chores
Human beings are born with free will.
It’s always their choice.
Most parenting
tactics work
against the child’s
need for power.
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Command
and
Control
Time Out
Counting 1-2-3
Rewards
Nagging
Yelling
Bribing
Because I said so
Time Out
Counting 1-2-3
Rewards
Nagging
Yelling
Bribing
Because I said so
External
Motivation
Internal
Motivation
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
So, what should we do instead??
Our Game Plan…
• Why Kids Really Misbehave
• Why Time Out, Rewards and “Because I
said so” Fail
• Go-to Tool to Change Your Life
& Your Child’s
• Silver-Bullet Strategy for Blissful
Mornings, Bedtimes & No More Chore
Wars
• 5 R’s of Rock Star Consequences
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Mind, Body & Soul Time
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Time spent with each child individually,
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Time spent with each child individually,
when we are emotionally available,
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Time spent with each child individually,
when we are emotionally available,
and doing what the child likes to do.
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
• 10-15 minutes
• One-on-one time
• Fully present
• No interruptions
• No distractions
• Child-directed
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Don’t forget to label it!
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Mind, Body and Soul
Time at its best.
Follow My Lead
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Our Game Plan…
• Why Kids Really Misbehave
• Why Time Out, Rewards and “Because I
said so” Fail
• Go-to Tool to Change Your Life & Your
Child’s
• Silver-Bullet Strategy for Blissful
Mornings, Bedtimes & No More
Chore Wars
• 5 R’s of Rock Star Consequences
Let’s Practice
When-Then
For kids over the age of 2 ½
Yucky
Fun
Stuff
Stuff
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
WHEN
you clean
your room…
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
THEN you can…
have your
snack.
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
THEN you can…
go outside with your friends.
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
THEN you can…
• have your
video time
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
THEN you can…
• leave for
the mall
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
The privilege (THEN)
must be something
she cares about!
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Emphasize the
When & Then.
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
WALK AWAY…Disengage
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
• I’m not going to argue
or negotiate.
• I have complete faith
you’ll get it done.
• Allows the child to
“save face” and still do
what you’ve asked.
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
It’s not IF-Then
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Isn’t When-Then a Reward?
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
It’s NOT a reward!
It’s a regularly
occurring privilege.
You control the order
in which the privilege
can be enjoyed.
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
When-Then Mornings
When…Fully dressed for the day
Bed made
Hair combed
Lunchbox & coat by the door
Then…Breakfast!
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
What if she shows up
for breakfast but the
list isn’t complete?
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
When-Then Evenings
When…Pajamas on
Teeth brushed and flossed
Select clothes & shoes for tomorrow
Backpack ready & by the door
Breakfast planned (cereal & bowl out)
Tidy room
Set alarm for the next day
Then…Mind, Body & Soul Time!
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Parents Encouraging Parents
What if she still
doesn’t do the task?
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
1) Mind, Body &
Soul Time
2) When-Then
3) Consequences
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Our Game Plan…
• Why Kids Really Misbehave
• Why Time Out, Rewards and “Because I
said so” Fail
• Go-to Tool to Change Your Life & Your
Child’s
• Silver-Bullet Strategy for Blissful
Mornings, Bedtimes & No More Chore
Wars
• 5 R’s of Rock Star Consequences
Consequences are for repeated
misbehaviors…not a one time event.
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
The 5 R’s of Consequences
For kids over the age of 2.5
Respectful
Related to the
Misbehavior
Bike Helmet
Brushing Teeth
Curfew
Video Game
Reasonable
in Duration
Revealed
in Advance
So the
child can
make a
CHOICE
Repeated Back to You
Revealing Consequences
State the Concern or Problem
“I’ve
noticed
we’ve been
having an
issue
with…”
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
State the Expected Behavior
“In the future, I expect that…”
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Reveal the Consequence
“I’m sure we won’t
have an issue with
this, but if you
choose to not
follow our rule, the
consequence will
be…”
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Ask the Child to Repeat Back
“Just so we’re on
the same page. . .
can you repeat back
to me our rule for
(x) and the
consequence for not
following our rule?”
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Who will
decide if she
gets to keep
her video
privileges?
A Poor Choice?
Piggybacking
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
“I see you chose to lose your
video privileges, but I have
confidence you’ll make a
better choice next time”
“I see you chose to lose
your video privileges, but I
have confidence you’ll make
a better choice next time”
The Messy Room
The Messy Room
“Our family rule
is that bedrooms
must be cleaned
by 5 PM each
day.”
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
“If you choose to
NOT clean your room
by 5 PM, that’s fine.
I will clean the room
and everything laying
on the floor will go
into a box for the
next week.”
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Fighting Over Stuff
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Fighting Over Stuff
“Either you can
work out a way
to play with it
together or take
turns…
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Fighting Over Stuff
…or, I’ll put the
truck away for
the rest of the
day and no one
will get to play
with it.”
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Technology
Troubles
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Our family rules for technology …
• All technology must be turned off
until homework is done.
• Technology curfew
is 8 PM.
• Devices are charged
in the kitchen.
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
in
#WFFCONF15
Our family rules for technology …
“If you choose not to
follow these rules…
…you will lose your
technology/phone
privileges for the
next week.”
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
I can’t think of a consequence!
@AmyMcCreadyPPS
#WFFCONF15
Parents Encouraging Parents
Where have we been?
• Why Kids Really Misbehave
• Why Punishment, Rewards, Time-outs
and “Because I said so” Fail
• Go-to Tool (Mind, Body & Soul Time)
• Silver-Bullet Strategy (When-Then)
• 5 R’s of Rock Star Consequences
1) Mind, Body & Soul
Time
2) When-Then
3) 5 R’s of Consequences
This is
hard work.
Thanks, Mom & Dad!
Your Questions?
One Simple Word
I have to…
I get to….
[email protected]