B Monologues (B1 – B12)
B1. Pirates of the Carribean: At World’s End
written by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio
(134)
Captain Jack Sparrow: Cuttlefish. Aye? Let us not dear friends...forget our dear friends the
cuttlefish. Flippin' glorious little sausages. Pen them up all together and they'll devour
each other without a seconds thought. Human nature isn't it? Or fish nature. So, yes we
could hole up here well provisioned and well armed, and half of us would be dead within
the month. Which seems rather grim to me either way you slice it. Or, as my learned
colleague so naively suggests, we can release Calypso, and pray that she will be merciful.
I rather doubt it. Can we believe that she is nothin’ yet but a woman scorned with fury
hell hath no!? No we cannot. So I agree with, and I cannot believe the words that are
coming out of me mouth........Captain Swann, we must fight!
B2. Masters of the Universe
written by David Odell
(137)
Skeletor: People of Eternia! I stand before the Great Eye of the galaxy. Chosen by destiny
to receive the powers of Greyskull! This inevitable moment will transpire before your
eyes, even as He-Man himself bears witness to it. … Now. I, Skeletor, am Master of the
Universe! Yes! … Yes. I feel it, the power fills me. Yes, I feel the universe within me! I
am… I am a part of the cosmos! The power flows, flows through me! Of what
consequence are you now? This planet, these people. They are NOTHING to me! The
universe is POWER! Real, unstoppable POWER! And I am that force! I am that power!
KNEEL BEFORE YOUR MASTER! Fool! You are no longer my EQUAL! I am more
than man! MORE THAN LIFE! I… am… a… GOD! Now. You… will… KNEEEEEL!
KNEEEEL!!!
B3. Dead Poets Society
written by Tom Schulman
(139)
Mr. Keating: I have a secret for you. Huddle Up...Huddle UP! We don't read and write
poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human
race. And the human race is filled with passion. Medicine, law, business these are all
noble pursuits necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, and love; these are
what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman "Oh me. Oh life of the question of these
recurring… of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish. What
good amid these? Oh me. Oh life." "Answer...that you are here and life exists....You are
here. Life exists, and identity. The powerful play goes on and you may contribute a
verse." The powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse
be?
B4. Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
written by Jon Hurwitz & Hayden Schlossberg
(145)
Kumar: So, you think this is just about the burgers, huh? Let me tell you, it's about far more
than that. Our parents came to this country, escaping persecution, poverty and hunger.
Hunger, Harold. They were very, very hungry. They wanted to live in a land that treated
them as equals, a land filled with hamburger stands. And not just one type of hamburger,
okay? Hundreds of types with different sizes, toppings, and condiments. That land was
America! America, Harold! America! Now this is about achieving what our parents set
out for. This is about the pursuit of happiness. This night . . . is about the American
Dream! Dude, we can stay here, get arrested, and end our hopes of ever going to White
Castle. Or, we can take that hang glider and make our leap towards freedom. I leave the
decision up to you.
B5. The Muppet Movie
written by Jack Burns
(150)
Kermit the Frog: What's the matter with you? You gotta be crazy chasin' me halfway across
the country. Why are you doin' this to me? I've got a dream too. But it's about singing and
dancing and making people happy. The kind of dream that gets better the more people
you share it with. And, well, I've found a whole bunch of friends who have the same
dream. And it kind of makes us like a family. You have anybody like that, Hopper? Once
you get all those restaurants who're you gonna share it with? Who are your friends, Doc?
Those guys? I think if you look in your heart... you'll find you really want to let me and
my friends go... to follow our dream. But if that's not the kind of man you are... and if
what I'm saying doesn't make any sense to you...well, then, go ahead and kill me.
B6. Seinfeld: (Season 7 - The Van Buren Boys) Pizza
written by: Darin Henry
(150)
Kramer: Alright, so there I am at Lorenzo's - loading up my slice of the fixin's bar. Garlic,
and what-not... mmm, mmm... And I see this guy over at the pizza boxes giving me the
stink-eye. So I give him the crook-eye back, you know... Then, I notice that he's not
alone! I'm taking on the entire Van Buren Boys! Oh yeah, and they're just as mean as he
was! So, I make a move to the door, you know, pshwwww! They block it! So, I lunged
for the bathroom. I grab the knob - Occupado! Then they back me up against the cartoon
map of Italy, and all of the sudden, they just stop... Because I'm still holding the garlic
shaker... Yeah... like this... I'm only showing eight fingers. That's their secret sign! See,
Van Buren, he was the eighth President. They thought I was a former Van B. Boy!
B7. Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(154)
written by Frances Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Stephen Sinclair, and Peter Jackson, from the
novel by J.R.R. Tolkien
Sam: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It's like in the
great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they
were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be
happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?
But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new
day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the
stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to
understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those
stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going, because
they were holding on to something.
B8. Seinfeld: (Season 4 - The Visa) Being On
written by: Peter Mehlman
(157)
George: You would not believe what just happened. I was waiting for you and this woman
was sitting at the counter. Yeah, yeah, and we started talking, and she's this lawyer who's
incredible! Everything I said was funny! You know, she laughed at everything I said, she
thinks I'm hilarious. You know in a way, it was almost too good. I started so good, I can't
go any place but down now, ya know? I got no place to go. You see, this is what I do
with women. I start out too strong, now I have to become real, that's when it all falls apart.
What good is real? They don't want real, they want funny. Ooooh, yes they do. Ya gotta
put on a show, ya always gotta give them a big show. You always have to be 'on'
otherwise why would they like me? They'd just go for a better looking guy with more
money.
B9. Shakespeare’s Star Wars
Written by Ian Doescher
(160)
Darth Vader: I turn to you, rebel. Aye, I lift your head above my own. You can now choose
to keep your secrets locked safe in your head, and therefore lose the life you hold dear, or
else to keep your head and, thus, your life. My patience runs quickly out much like the
sands across the dunes of the desert. So tell me, or else you die quick…
And so another dies by my own hand, this hand, which is now encased in blackness. Oh
that the fingers of this wretched hand had not ever known the pain of suffering. But now
my path is joined with the dark and wicked men—whose hands and fingers move to
crush their foes—are now my company. So shall my fingers always undertake to do more
evil, aye, and this—my hand— shall do the Emperor’s bidding forevermore. And thus we
see how fingers presage death and hands become the instruments of Fate.
B10. Downfall
written by Joachim Fest
(169)
Adolf Hitler: That was an order! Steiner’s attack was an order! How dare you ignore my
orders? Is this what it came to? The military, everybody lied to me. Even the SS. The
generals are no more than a bunch of disloyal cowards….Cowards, traitors, and
incompetents…The generals are the scum of the German people! No sense of honor. You
call yourself general because you spent years at the academy where you only learnt to use
knife and fork. For years, the military obstructed me. All you ever did is thwart me. I
should have had all the high officers executed. Like Stalin did. I never went to the
academy. But I conquered all of Europe on my own. Traitors. I’ve been betrayed and
deceived from the start. Such enormous betrayal of the German people. But all these
traitors will pay. With their own blood. They will drown in their own blood….All my
orders have been ignored. How can I be a leader under these circumstances? It’s over.
The war is lost.
B11. The Muppet Movie
written by Jack Burns
(187)
Kermit the Frog: I didn’t promise anybody anything. What do I know about Hollywood
anyway? Just the dreams I got from sitting through too many double-features. So why did
you leave the swamp in the first place? ‘Cause some agent fella said I had talent. Hmm.
He probably says that to everybody. On the other hand, if you hadn’t left the swamp,
you’d be feeling pretty miserable anyhow. Yeah, but then it would just be me feelin’
miserable. Now I got a lady pig, and a bear and a chicken, a dog, a thing — whatever
Gonzo is. He’s a little like a turkey. Yeah, a little like a turkey. But not much. No, I guess
not. Anyhow, I brought ‘em all out here into the middle of nowhere. It’s all my fault.
Still… whether you promised them something or not, you gotta remember they wanted to
come. But that’s because they believed in me. No, they believed in the dream. Well, so
do I, but– You do? Yeah! Of course I do. Well then? Well, then…I guess I was wrong
when I said I never promised anyone. I promised me.
B12. Seinfeld: (Season 7 - The Showerhead) Fired
written by: Peter Mehlman & Marjorie Gross
(191)
Peterman: I'm afraid I have some bad news, Elaine. It appears you will not be
accompanying me to Africa. I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You tested positive for
opium. That's right, Elaine. White lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally. Not a chance. I'm
afraid I'll just have to find someone else to accompany me on my journey. The Dark
Continent is no place for an addict, Elaine. Not on my watch! I won't have you turning
my office into a den of iniquity! Get your fix somewhere else! Elaine, you're out of
control. You need help. I know what you're going through. I too once fell under the spell
of opium. It was 1979. I was travelling the Yangtzee in search of a Mongolian horsehair
vest. I had got to the market after sundown, all of the clothing traders had gone, but a
different sort of trader still lurked about. "Just a taste," he said. That was all it took. Oh,
Elaine. The toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. The price? Your soul! Oh,
and by the way, you have til' 5:00 to clear out your desk. You're fired!