Queer Space
a radio play
by Shamini Joseph & Ania Anderst
ALEXA: Our protagonist, single lesbian, clumsy and uncool but loveable, awkward and
occasionally too loud, lives in inner north Melbourne.
BEE: Housemate and friend of Alexa, savvy dyke, a little harsh at times but well intentioned
and a good friend.
DEIDRE: Alexa’s OK Cupid date, femme, savvy, stylish, sharp, street smart, lives in St Kilda
QUINN: Bee’s ex girlfriend.
WAITER
SONG: ‘Spirit in the Sky’ by Norman Greenbaum, 4 seconds
NARRATOR, at 4 second mark: Queer Space, a radio play.
SONG: ‘Spirit in the Sky’ by Norman Greenbaum continues for 3 more seconds, then fade
out
SFX: Background music of a restaurant, classical music, laughter, 3 seconds
SFX: Sudden change in tone, vinyl record stopping abruptly.
BEE: Wait, start the story again, from the part where you got a date?
ALEXA: Come on, I need some support here! It’s been like, six months.
BEE: More like a year! Alexa, you and Quinn broke up in June, it’s April now. Unless you’ve
been hiding some secret loverrr in there ALEXA, snappish tone: Yeah, okay, alright! No need to bring Quinn into this! Like I need
reminding of that mess.
BEE, smug tone: So, who is this luscious lady? How’d you meet?
ALEXA: Oh, you know how it is, it's six o’clock on a Friday night and you're trawling through
OKCupid and then...
BEE: Hello!
ALEXA: A babe who ticks all the boxes; vegetarian, a Leo, and most importantly, loves
watching Orange is the New Black while weighed down by a makeshift doona of cats.
BEE: Mmm, you gotta love them charming Leos...
ALEXA: And I didn’t want to get too excited at first, I mean, OK Cupid said we had a 10%
enemy rating, but what can you do?
BEE: And was she like, looking at your profile at the same time as you were perving on hers?
ALEXA, confused: Yeah! How - how did you know?
BEE: We’ve all been there, babe. Well, some of us more than others.
ALEXA and BEE both laugh
ALEXA: The next thing I knew, I was setting up a date with this Deidre, some total OK Cupid
hottie, on the other side of town...
SFX: Train voiceover “The next train to Flinders arrives in twenty minutes”, whoosh of the
train, sneakers slapping on concrete, followed by the ‘ding ding ding’ of inner-city trams.
ALEXA: It took about an hour but I finally made it...
SFX: Sound of distant restaurant chatter and same background music as before
DEIDRE, posh voice: Table for two please
WAITER: Right this way.
DEIDRE: I hope you don't mind that we met south side. I know a few of the restaurant
owners here, I mean how else would we have gotten a table on a Friday night on such late
notice? And the wine choices are better down here. I brought a bottle of Chateau Blaise, it’s
excellent, don’t you think?
ALEXA, taken aback, unsure: Uh, yeah… Sure!
SFX: Wine pouring & clink of glasses
DEIDRE, business tone: So, tell me about your day.
ALEXA, trying to impress: Ohh, well, today was my day off work. I had brunch at my local,
then watched Orange is the New Black while cuddling Silvester - my cat - he’s a short-haired
tabby… before heading to the city for a talk at the Wheeler Centre.
DEIDRE: What was the talk on?
ALEXA: Umm...
Half a second silence
ALEXA, floundering: Feminism and... oh you know, feminism and... and it's relationship to
uh, the burgeoning subculture of the... inner hipster in pseudo-intellectual landscapes...
DEIDRE, unimpressed: Ah, wow, I haven't heard of that one before…
ALEXA: It's kind of a new thing... Anyway – so, uh, what do you do?
DEIDRE: I work in a lab.
ALEXA: Like, a scientist?
DEIDRE: Yeah, you could say that.
ALEXA: That’s sooo cool!
DEIDRE: And what kind of work do you do?
ALEXA: I work in the bed and bath section of Myer.
DEIDRE, even more unimpressed: Beds?
ALEXA, speaking rapidly: Doonas, quilts, quilt cover sets, mattress protectors, top sheets,
waffle blankets, European pillows, you know those big square ones that DEIDRE: I think I get the picture.
ALEXA: But today this woman, hilarious! She came in, but she was clearly in the wrong store,
because she asked for a jockey strap, and I was like, ‘Do you mean an occy strap?’
ALEXA laughs loudly and awkwardly
DEIDRE: Uh huh.
ALEXA: Anyway, uh, sorry, I guess that was the funniest part of my day. Nothing too amazing
happens at the bed and bath section of Myer...
DEIDRE: But I imagine you’d get some perks, maybe? A staff discount?
ALEXA, talking fast at first, and then slow as she reaches the word ‘bed’: Oh yeah, thanks to
the staff discount I have a really neat, uh, bed... spread. You should check it out some time…
SFX: Kettle whistle, pouring of cups of tea & coffee, cups hitting wooden table, toast
popping out of a toaster
BEE: Did you actually say that? “I have a really neat bed spread!”. Before you’d even
ordered any food?
ALEXA: She was intimidating!
BEE: Wow, you’re really rusty. You should take me along on one of your dates, I’ll sit at the
table near you and text you when you’re really bombing!
ALEXA: Hey! You should’ve seen the cashmere coat she had on, and some fancy-ass lipstick!
I’ve dated some femmes in my time, but she was swanky! I couldn’t even afford that sort of
stuff with my staff discount. And even if I could, those cosmetics floor ladies all look at me
like I crawled out of a drain or something.
BEE, matter of factly: Hey, don’t worry about them. They probably all have terrible vanilla
sex lives with their Ken doll boyfriends.
ALEXA: You have a point. But anyway, I think I can tell when things are bombing for myself
thanks.
BEE: Yeah, alright.
ALEXA: Especially after this...
SFX: Sound of distant restaurant chatter and same background music as before
DEIDRE: But how could you like Piper over Alex? Piper is like, so…annoying!
ALEXA: Alex is a drug dealer!
DEIDRE, unimpressed: Some of my best friends deal.
ALEXA: You’re a drug dealer?
DEIDRE: No, I said some of my friends are! And excuse me, who are you to judge?
SFX: background silence to differentiate from restaurant music.
SFX: Sipping of tea or coffee
BEE: ...Wow. You went there.
ALEXA: Yeah - I did.
BEE: I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I guess your 10% incompatibility was on a touchy subject.
ALEXA, ignorantly: Yeah! Who knew that Orange is the New Black could divide lesbians, as
much as it has the power to unite them?
BEE: No, Alexa, I meant the touchy subject of drugs.
ALEXA: Oh yeah, that! Mmm, yeah.
BEE: So did you get the bill & split?
ALEXA: Well, you'd think so...
SFX: Background noise of clinking cutlery and soft music
ALEXA, voiceover: ...but then...
SFX: Alien X-file noise starts fading up
ALEXA, voiceover: ...something happened…
SFX: Alien noise fading down while fade back into Deidre talking and background
restaurant music
ALEXA, voiceover: Deidre was telling me about her raver days, the music, the four storey car
park gigs, the ‘hay day’ she called it...
DEIDRE: ...and I mean their old music is just so much better than their new stuff, you know?
Like, back when they were all on drugs... Excuse me, I’m about to DEIDRE sneezes audibly: Aichoo!
SFX: Weird Alien language screech for 5 seconds (her human translator cut out for a bit,
and we heard her alien voice)
ALEXA gasps
DEIDRE: Alexa? What, what are you looking at me like that for? Have I got sauce on my
cashmere? It’s impossible to get out, you know!
ALEXA: No, I thought I just heard… - were you speaking Galaxy Standard?
DEIDRE, suspicious & uncomfortable: ...How, how would you possibly know that?
SFX: Weird Alien language screech for 3 seconds (ALEXA speaking)
DEIDRE: ...what?
SFX: Weird Alien language screech for 3 seconds (ALEXA speaking again)
DEIDRE: No way, you speak it too?!
SFX: restaurant music cuts out.
BEE: What is this, some kind of Alien Convention here? How many of you are there? I
thought I just had to put up with one weird alien housemate, now there’s more of you? Are
you breeding? Is there a plan to gradually sterilise us all and harvest our squishy but energyrich organs??
ALEXA: Oh my god, Bee, relax! You know I just came here for the really good takeout. My
home planet had nothing - no dumplings, nothing!
BEE, still suspicious: Right. Well, it’s still weird, okay! Let me process for a minute. I mean,
what are the odds that this random OK Cupid date on the south side with some posh dyke
turns out to be an alien reunion?
ALEXA: I know, right! I was so excited to meet a fellow planetarian.
BEE, trailing off: I’m feeling spaced out just thinking about it...
SFX: Restaurant music fades in, sound of forks and spoons on plates
ALEXA: voiceover, louder: So anyway, we really started to hit it off during the main course...
ALEXA: You’re from Delta 6 Gamma Quadron? Me too!
DEIDRE: No. Way. Shut up! What’s your alma mater?
ALEXA: Elite Academy. Majored in Space Slanguistics and Coolibrium Physics. I always
wanted to be an interpreter between planetarians, but it was tough going. My older
hatchling was a Professor of IPL at Andromeda High. Brilliant mind… but then he got
addicted to Metho, and now spends his days making trippy patterns in paddocks on
underdeveloped worlds …
DEIDRE: Oh, I love crop circles!
ALEXA: Yeah, I used to join him sometimes on his expeditions. I’ve got great footage of some
very confused farmers.
DEIDRE: You’re not so bad after all, Ms Bed and Bath. Would you like another glass of wine?
ALEXA: Absolutely.
DEIDRE: A toast, to interplanetarians making connections!
SFX: Sound of clink of glasses
DEIDRE: So, Alexa, why Earth, of all places? Isn’t it a little dull for a Coolibrium Physics
major? I mean they’ve barely grasped Quantum mechanics. Who knows when they’ll get to
the interdimensional portals!
ALEXA, laughing lightly: I know, but humans are sweet, if a little slow. I tell people I came
here for the takeout, but really… Planetarians on developed worlds are so boring.
Everyone’s seen it all and knows it all. It is really truly refreshing to be somewhere where
everything is still… possible. You know?
DEIDRE: I guess so…
ALEXA: So, what about you? What are you doing on Earth?
DEIDRE, airy tone: Research and development. Top secret, can’t say much.
ALEXA: Aww, what? But I’m one of your people! I can keep a secret!
DEIDRE: Let’s just put it this way. If I told you, I'd have to vaporise you. And I wouldn't
wanna do that now...
ALEXA: ...Is that right?
DEIDRE laughs a little
DEIDRE: Do you wanna get out of here?...
ALEXA: Your place or mine?
SFX: Sound of the restaurant door clinking closed, footsteps, giggles…whoosh of cars,
steps, street noise, door close and silence.
ALEXA: Wow… your place is so cosy and cute. Not really what I expected.
DEIDRE, amused: What does that mean?
ALEXA: Oh… nothing. I just thought it might be filled with downlights and potpurri, you
know?
DEIDRE, laughing: Well, appearances can be deceiving, as we’ve found out tonight.
ALEXA: We certainly have…
DEIDRE: Would you like a glass of wine?
ALEXA: I’d love one. Is it, what did you call it, Chateau Blaise again?
DEIDRE: No, this one is from my cellar, from the planet Arcturus in the Omega sector.
ALEXA: Wow, Arcturan honeyed wines are so rare!
DEIDRE: I have a collection, would you like to see?
ALEXA: Would I ever!
DEIDRE: Come check out the cellar…
SFX: Footsteps, door creaking open, silence
ALEXA: Er… wow… your cellar looks an awful lot like a…
DEIDRE: Sorry did I say cellar? I meant sex dungeon.
BEE, voiceover: Duuude… you fell for the old ‘Wine-cellar-sex-dungeon’ trick!
ALEXA, voiceover: What wine-cellar-sex-dungeon trick??
DEIDRE: So there’s the sling over there in the far corner, and here’s my whip rack - just got
that installed last week - and then there’s this—
SFX: Buzzing noise like vibrator
ALEXA yelps
ALEXA: What was that?
DEIDRE: Oh just a little probity probe I took home from the lab...
SFX: Buzzing noise like vibrator
ALEXA, trepidatious: What does it do?
DEIDRE, seductive: Don’t you wanna find out?
ALEXA moaning
SFX: romantic music cuts out with vinyl record stop noise
BEE: Oh jeez, Alexa, I don’t wanna know how you planetarians have sex!
ALEXA: What?! You tell me all those tiny details of every weekend fling you have and I’m not
allowed to share the highlight of my miserable year?
BEE, playful: Maybe there’s a David Attenborough episode I could watch on spider breeding
that would fill me in without having to hear it from you!
ALEXA: Ew, we don’t have sex like spiders! It’s more like a praying mantis, are they the ones
who stick their antennae into each others’ BEE: Stop - it! Can we-- can we just skip to after the freaky alien sex?
ALEXA: OK, boring!
SFX: Slow panting and breathing slowly fades in
ALEXA, voiceover: So there we were, basking in the after-glow of some incredibly hot
interplanetarian-lesbian tentacular butt sex...
ALEXA: ...Wow.
DEIDRE: Yeah…
ALEXA: You Buzzlons sure know how to use those tentacles.
DEIDRE: Yeah, but only the best Buzzlons can bring on those multi-dimensional orgasms...
ALEXA: Mhmmmpfh..
SFX: ALEXA muffled by kissing noise. Break apart with a pop.
ALEXA: Definitely. So your work sounds pretty fun if that gadget’s involved…
DEIDRE, laughs: Oh, not half as fun for me, but perhaps my human subjects...
ALEXA: Interesting.... Hey, are you out to anyone?
DEIDRE: As what? A lesbian? As an interplanetarian?
ALEXA, laughing: An alien of course!
DEIDRE: Not really. Oh except for my best mate Quinn.
ALEXA: Quinn?... Quinn Cosgrove?
SFX: Horror movie noise slowly fades in
DEIDRE: Yeah, do you know her?
BEE, voiceover: Oh no...
DEIDRE: It’s funny, when I came out to her she wasn’t too shocked, she said she’d already
dated some wacko alien who was totally obsessed with her cat. Said I couldn’t be worse
than her, haha!
SFX: Horror movie noise reaches crescendo and cuts out.
ALEXA, horrified flat tone: That’s me.
DEIDRE: ...What?
ALEXA: Quinn and I… broke up last June. We dated for 2 years. That’s your best-friend?
DEIDRE: You’re --SFX: Censorship beep
ALEXA: Oh is that what she’s calling me now? How mature.
DEIDRE: Mature? You’re the one to talk. Didn’t you rip up her signed copy of ‘Gender
Trouble’?
ALEXA: ...That’s it. I have to go.
Silence.
BEE: Daammmnn. Yet another would-be romance foiled by the lesbian web of death!
ALEXA, sighing: I know right. I was out of there faster than you could say (snobbish voice)
‘Chateau Blaise’! I think I’ll just go into hibernation for another year.
BEE, thrusting on the last three words: Good plan. Alternatively there’s always that mission
to Mars. Maybe you could get some *hot* *martian* *action*!
ALEXA: Oh, don’t even get me started on Martians, they’re so clingy. And all they eat are
rocks! Red rock linguine, red rock souffle, red rock polenta…
SFX: Fade out ALEXA talking, fade into chorus of ‘Spirit in the Sky’ by Norman Greenbaum
*fade out in 15 seconds*
ALEXA: ...Red rock waffles with molten lava on top, red rock patte...
BEE: You can stop now.
END