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SUNDAY MERCURY SUNDAY, MAY 31, 2015
OPINION
Doreen Tipton
Eurovision D
passports
unchecked
WORLD FAMOUS LAZY COW WRITES FOR THE MERCURY
espite me voting UKIP
recently, we still had the
Eurovision Song Contest
last week.
It was the usual
nonsense – pianos on fire, a Latvian
woman dressed as a sex aid, dodgy
men in lederhosen, women with
beards – it takes a lot to put on a show
where Graham Norton is the least
camp part of it.
But this year I was even more
confused than normal. I know my
geography’s not the best (I struggle to
find Birmingham on a map) but I’m
sure that when I went to school, which
was most Wednesdays between the
ages of 11-14, Australia wasn’t in
Europe. But they still turned up and
started singing. How did they get
in? Did nobody check the bloke’s
passport?
I looked into it, and it turns
out that if you want to be a
member of the Euro club, all
you have to do it chuck
bucketloads of money at
them, and you’re welcomed in
with open borders.
Anyway, I didn’t watch it
– I’d rather have the plaque
scraped off my teeth than sit
through three hours of that
– but I did have a blow-byblow account from my
next-door neighbour Doris.
Apparently we didn’t win,
which was a real shock for music
lovers everywhere. In fact, not only
didn’t we win, we also gave the bottom
team really some stiff competition.
I’m not sure who chooses our entry,
but I reckon it could be considered an
act of terrorism. Whoever it is, we
should check their passports as well.
But even if we did have a really good
song, like Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep
by cult punk band Middle of the Road,
or Mouldy Old Doughnuts by Lieutenant Pigeon, they still wouldn’t vote for
us. It seems we’re not very popular in
Europe – unless you need some
benefits. Same old story: “We don’t
like you, but on principle we’ll take
your money.”
Apparently, the Prime
Miniscule David Camoron is
having some tough negotiations
at the moment to try and get us
a better deal. He’s threatened
them that if we don’t get some
real reforms, he’s going to
■■ Top, Eurovision winner Mans Zelmerlow
recommend that we still stay in.
representing Sweden on stage. Above, Australia’s
That’s really scared them. So they’re
Guy Sebastian and, left, the UK’s Electro Velvet
going to pretend to
listen, then find a way of
saying ‘No’ that sounds a
bit like ‘Yes’ in English.
I think we should get
out while we can. After
“Dear Doreen, I’ve written a
Doreen says: “Madge, love,
all, we can still trade with
catchy tune which I think would
the best thing you can do is grow
Europe, without having
be great for Eurovision. As you’re a beard and set fire to your
to listen to their songs.
a celebrity, I thought you might
instrument. It also helps if you
And we save about £55m
have some tips on how to get it
don’t tell them you’re English.”
a day, which buys a lot of
entered?”
n Write to Doreen: lazycow@
Lieutenant Pigeon
Madge, Selly Oak doreen.tv
records.
Dear Doreen...
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Doreen movie, autobiography or stage shows visit the website: www.doreen.tv